Should I Praise My Kid?

Praise always feels good in the moment. But does it build confidence that lasts? In today’s episode, Dr. Becky shares some surprising research on praise - and what it tells us about how to affirm our kids in more effective ways. You’ll learn exactly what to do to build your kid’s self-esteem in both high and low moments.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  After my first baby was born, I treated my own recovery like a complete afterthought. If the baby needed something, I showed up immediately. If I needed something, well, it would wait. But research shows that when parents have the support they need, they're better able to care for their children. Taking care of yourself isn't separate from parenting. It's a huge part of parenting. That's why I love Frida's mission to prepare women for the realities of pregnancy, postpartum, recovery, and feeding. Frida creates solutions for the moments that often catch moms off guard. The Postpartum Essentials Kit and Breastfeeding Survival Kit help women feel more prepared for those early weeks of motherhood. Be motherhood prepared and shop Frida at Amazon, Target, and Walmart today.

• 0:43Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Okay, quick poll. Raise your hand if you want your kid to feel good about themselves. I'm looking around in my studio with no one else, but I'm thinking about you. I think all parents have their hands up. We all want our kid to feel good about themselves. That's the outcome. Now, the how becomes really interesting. How do we raise a kid so that they actually feel good about themselves? And what might help a kid have a moment of good feelings but might get in the way of them feeling good about themselves long term? And yes, we're going to be talking about praise. Now, quick disclaimer, there's a lot out there. Oh, they say I'm not supposed to say good job. I'm not supposed to tell my kid

• 1:27Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  that something they did is impressive. If there's one thing we're really against at Good Inside, it's rigidity. This is not a don't say good job episode. Sure, keep that in your vocabulary here and there. All good. I want to really get to something deeper, to really think, what is confidence really about? How can we build it in childhood in a way that actually is still useful to a kid in their teenage and adult years? That's the really important part. And here's something surprising about praise. Research shows that certain kinds of praise might do the opposite of what we intend. One well-known study by

• 2:08Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  the great Carol Dweck, a Stanford psychologist who spent decades studying motivation and resilience, found that when kids are praised for being smart...

• 2:19Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  They become less likely to take on challenges and more likely to give up after a mistake and more afraid of failing. So interesting. But in the same study, when kids were praised for effort, noticing their persistence, noticing how they're trying different strategies, almost separate from outcome, they become more resilient, more confident, even when things get hard. Okay. So what does this all mean? Praise is nuanced. It doesn't mean we have to memorize some scientific, complicated equation, say this, not this. But what I promise you are going to get today is something so grounding.

• 3:04Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  A deeper understanding of what it really means to feel good about yourself and also some very practical, I can do this today tips on how to start building true lasting confidence in your kids. I'm Dr. Becky and this is Good Inside. We'll be back right after this. I don't know about you, but by the time September rolls around, I am ready for cozy season. That's when I start thinking about Thanksgiving plans and travel that allows me to spend quality time with my family. I'm thinking board games, changing leaves, maybe even a living room with a fireplace where we can read our books together. Maybe you're the kind of family that loves an adventure and wants a cabin in the mountains

• 3:49Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  somewhere. Or maybe you're dreading the end of summer and need to look forward to staying at a home on the beach with a view of the ocean. Or maybe you love to cook, so you want to stay in a home with your dream kitchen. Wherever your travel plans take you, it's the perfect time to get a little reset together as a family before the holiday season and craziness begins. But here's something you may not have considered. If you're planning to go away this year, leaving your own space empty, you can list it on Airbnb while you're away to give another family some quality time in a home away from home. You get to make use of your space and you can earn some extra income to put toward your family's future travel plans. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how. Much at Airbnb.com/host. Here's a question parents ask me all the time.

• 4:34Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  How can I help my kid take ownership of their routine? I love this question because owning a routine is such a good way for kids to build independence and confidence. It's why I'm excited to tell you about Yodo, the screen-free audio player for kids. In the mornings, your kid can wake up with Yodo's alarm clock. When your kid gets home from school, Yodo has focus tracks, audiobooks, music, and learning content. One of my kids really likes to write and record their own stories with the make-your-own cards. Then at night, your kid can build a wind-down routine with Yodo's toothbrush timer, white noise, and nightlight. With the right sounds, stories, and a bit of structure, thanks to Yodo, mornings feel more manageable. Homework time feels calmer, and winding down before bed becomes something kids can run themselves,

• 5:16Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  making the whole school year feel a little easier for everyone. Use the code DRBECKY15 for 15% off your order at Yodoplay.com. New customers only, ends October 31st. Terms apply. Offer valid on select products only.

• 5:37Speaker 01

  My kid kills it on the soccer field. And you can clearly see how much he loves being praised and how much he loves being really good at something. But with his schoolwork, especially reading, and honestly, any kind of homework, it's like I have a completely different kid. He will give up so easily. He whines, he even collapses. So I'm wondering, how can I get him to build that confidence in his schoolwork the way he has on the soccer field?

• 6:05Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  This is such a good question. And I just want to start by saying, we don't have to be so scared of praise. Something's happened where it's like, oh, I'm not supposed to tell my kid who's amazing at soccer that they played a good game. And then we feel so weird and kind of artificial with our kids. So of course, when our kids are naturally good at something, when our kid scores a goal, when our kid has a good grade, when our kid builds that block tower they've been working on and it finally doesn't fall down, I just want to say it is totally fine to say to your kid, amazing job, that's so cool, whatever that is that sounds natural to you.

• 6:37Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Having said that, let's zoom out and think a little deeper. So here's my kid who's playing soccer, maybe for a couple of years, is getting to be really talented. Maybe they're good in defense, but maybe they're the one scoring all the goals, which tends to get a lot of attention. And so my kid is playing these games on the A-team, scoring goals. And then they hear the following from various people on the sidelines. "Oh, my goodness, you're the best player on your team." "Oh, my goodness, you scored three goals." Sometimes people say things like, "The team couldn't win without you." "You're the best player on this team." Now, again, we're not going to judge whether we can say those things sometime or not. Let's just think about what circuitry is building in our kid.

• 7:21Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  My kid puts effort towards something. Because any kid who's scoring a lot of goals in soccer, they're trying hard. They're trying hard. They're probably practicing hard. They're working on their moves. They're being aggressive, all the things. And then the goal goes in. They have put forth a lot of effort and they have a result. Okay. Now, in a kid's body, they're trying to figure out, how does the world work? How do I get good feelings about myself? They've put forth this effort. They're scoring the goals. And then you know what starts to get layered next to it over and over? Praise. "You're the best soccer player. That was the best game you ever played. You've never scored that many goals against an opponent.

• 8:07Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  The team couldn't win without you." So what starts to get paired together is effort and external validation. Again, we don't have to be extreme and say this is all bad. But if that's a pattern, then what a kid can easily learn is I don't get good feelings about myself from my effort or from my process. I get good feelings about myself from positive validation from other people. Almost like we take away temporarily a kid's ability to get good feelings about themselves

• 8:47Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  from the fact that they're working so hard or trying their best, even in the moment that they kicked a ball wide and it didn't go in. Right? So now let's go to reading.

• 8:58Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Working hard at reading. It just takes so much energy, so much effort. You have to figure out, you know, the letter, the letter sound. English has so many weird rules about how things come together. There are so many mistakes. You are putting forth effort. And if in the same kid's body, what they have learned over the years is I get good feelings about myself, not from my effort, not from the way I put energy toward things, not from the way I persist even when something is hard. But I have learned that I get most of my good feelings from other people's comments about myself. Now I'm in a reading situation and I'm going to be this kid. I'm a little like, I'm sorry, where's the person telling me I'm brilliant? I'm sorry. Where is the success in reading this chapter perfectly without any mistakes?

• 9:43Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I am the kid who's the best at soccer, so I should be the kid who's best at reading. I am the kid who does something at soccer and everyone kind of comes to me with some version of an applause. I am in my room trying to read alone and I'm sorry, where is the applause? And then the moment with the reading, it feels hard, not only because reading is hard, but because it is so different from the other moments where I have learned to get good feelings about myself. And that's the thing that makes me spiral, not just the fact that the task is hard, but the task is hard and I am now almost deprived of the things that have always made me feel good. Okay, so now what? There are small shifts we can make, huge difference.

• 10:27Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I want to go back to soccer because I actually want to start intervening a little bit differently at soccer as a way of helping my kid build confidence and frustration tolerance and persistence with academics. So my kid finishes a game, they score 20 million goals, whatever it is, and everyone around them, oh my goodness, you won the game for us. You're amazing. You're going to go far. Now, I don't have to say to my kid, that doesn't matter to us. We don't have to say these artificial things, but here's something that could lead to a shift. I hear everyone telling you how amazing it is that you scored so many goals. And I saw those goals. Don't get me wrong, so cool.

• 11:06Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And when I look at you, it's funny, I actually don't see a kid who scored six goals in one game. I see a kid who has been working so hard all week in practice. I see a kid who went to our backyard yesterday and did extra practice. I see a kid who, such a good sport to the other people on your team. I see a good kid who stayed calm when you missed that penalty kick. And that's the stuff that just really stands out to me about the game. And I just had to tell you that. I am building a new circuit which says, what matters and where I can get good feelings about myself

• 11:47Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  isn't only from positive comments from other people and isn't only from success. It's from effort. It's from persistence. It's from the stuff I actually have control over on the inside. Now, am I saying the next day I expect this kid to stay calmer when they're reading and feel better about themselves? No, psychological change doesn't happen overnight, unfortunately. But do I know I am building the foundation to then transfer that to an academic setting where external validation isn't coming and things aren't kind of coming to my kid as easily? Absolutely.

• 12:25Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Here's a question parents ask me all the time. How can I help my kid take ownership of their routine? I love this question because owning a routine is such a good way for kids to build independence and confidence. It's why I'm excited to tell you about Yodo, the screen-free audio player for kids. In the mornings, your kid can wake up with Yodo's alarm clock. When your kid gets home from school, Yodo has focus tracks, audiobooks, music and learning content. One of my kids really likes to write and record their own stories with the make your own cards. Then at night, your kid can build a wind down routine with Yodo's toothbrush timer, white noise and nightlight. With the right sound, stories, and a bit of structure, thanks to Yodot, mornings feel more manageable. Homework time feels calmer, and winding down before bed becomes something kids can run themselves,

• 13:10Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  making the whole school year feel a little easier for everyone. Use the code DRBECKY15 for 15% off your order at Yodoplay.com. New customers only, ends October 31st. Terms apply. Offer valid on select products only. I don't know about you, but by the time September rolls around, I am ready for cozy season. That's when I start thinking about Thanksgiving plans and travel that allows me to spend quality time with my family. I'm thinking board games, changing leaves, maybe even a living room with a fireplace where we can read our books together. Maybe you're the kind of family that loves an adventure and wants a cabin in the mountains somewhere. Or maybe you're dreading the end of summer and need to look forward to staying at a home on the beach with a view of the ocean.

• 13:52Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Or maybe you love to cook, so you want to stay in a home with your dream kitchen. Wherever your travel plans take you, it's the perfect time to get a little reset together as a family before the holiday season and craziness begins. But here's something you may not have considered. If you're planning to go away this year, leaving your own space empty, you can list it on Airbnb while you're away to give another family some quality time in a home away from home. You get to make use of your space, and you can earn some extra income to put toward your family's future travel plans. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.com/host.

• 14:33Speaker 02

  My daughter's one of those kids who's good at everything. Straight A's, top athlete in two sports, and people are constantly telling her how amazing she is. She loves it, and honestly, I get it. Who wouldn't like all that attention? But what's gonna happen when something isn't easy? I'm kind of bracing for that moment. Any thoughts?

• 14:53Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  This is another great question, and it actually makes me think about so many kind of 20-somethings I've seen in my private practice. And here was kind of the stereotypical profile. It was very similar to this. Straight A student.

• 15:10Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Captain of the whatever sports team. Also, social, really good friend, kind of the kid who seemed to have it all together. Class president, started their own club, got into a really good college, honestly did pretty well, got the job. And then, why was I seeing so many 25-year-olds who had this kind of ideal, linear path, really struggling in their mid-20s? Okay, again, we're gonna zoom out. When our kids are younger, we can really focus, and I'm not above this, we can really focus on each moment that we see on the surface. It's so easy to think, the kid who gets the A's is going to be happy.

• 15:53Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  The kid who is struggling and not getting as good grades is going to have a hard time feeling good about themselves. All I want is for my kid to be the captain of the tennis team because they've worked so hard, get into the first college of their choice, be invited to every party, because we somehow have been told that that short-term success and happiness is the best thing for our kid. Now, I do not wish bad things upon any kid. I am not wishing your kid doesn't become captain of the tennis team if that's been their life goal. But this is something I think about a lot with my own kids, and it's something I've thought about especially since I've seen so much of this in my private practice. How is it that so many of the kids where every single thing goes their way, even with

• 16:37Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  effort, not naturally, collapse in different ways in their 20s? Not all of them, but some of them. And if I'm gonna be really honest here, and I always promise you I'm gonna do that, I think about myself. I was one of those kids where I worked my butt off as if my self-worth depended on every single test I took, and any test that was below a certain grade erased everything I had done until that point. And you know what happens to people like me, to people like this girl, to those people in my private practice, eventually you enter a more complicated world than high school and

• 17:16Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  college. And in that world, it's not as linear, it's not as controlled, and often, there aren't as many concrete metrics of success, or if there are, you're actually not winning at all them. You're just not. You're not the first one of your friends to get promoted. You're not making the most money. Oh, my goodness, my friend is getting married before I am. Do I even want to get married first? I don't even know if I do, but I've always been the one who accomplishes everything before everyone else around me. I am not hearing from my boss at work every single day that I'm doing a good job, even though every single day in high school, I was used to getting a grade where maybe the grade didn't tell me, you're doing a good job. But that's kind of what it felt

• 17:58Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  like it was saying to me on that piece of paper. And so I have built up a sense of self in the way I call outside in. I do things. I look outward. I see the result. I see the impact. I hear the words and I say, oh, great. I can take that from the world and bring it into my body and feel good about myself. And not only feel good about myself, but it kind of becomes the person I am. It's like my identity is formed almost outside in. And then we all hit a time, often it's in our twenties, where like, the world stops

• 18:37Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  cooperating. The world is not feeding me the way it used to. I've said this to so many parents, and it might surprise them. But if I think about my three kids, I would say one of them especially, in childhood, just had a ton of accomplishments, a ton of doing things first, and a ton, which happens of people kind of around us commenting how smart that child was, how amazing that child was, how special that child was. And what surprises people is when I say, the child I am most concerned with, in terms of their long-term self-worth, confidence, resilience, grit, all the things I actually really care about.

• 19:22Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Is that child? I think about a different one of my kids. Speech struggles in the beginning, had to really work to even learn how to talk. A lot more hesitant, wasn't kind of the star of the show all the time. Now, short term, I know we can deal with kind of pain around that. I don't worry for that child's self-worth. That child has been forced to build self-worth inside out. The world isn't just gifting me good feelings. And so I better learn to find them inside my body. And so this is not a moment to panic. And again, this is not to say your kid who gets those good grades,

• 20:05Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  who is kind of the star athlete, who's winning the chess tournaments, whatever it is, we don't have to put those people down. That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is the stakes are even higher for those kids in terms of what we talk about, what we ask about, what we notice, what we comment on, what we talk about around them that we think they don't notice, but oh my goodness, they hear what we say to our friends. And that kind of tells them every moment who they are and where they should get their good feelings. And so with those kids especially, this might sound weird. It's almost like we have to think about them as a fragile group from a self-confidence perspective because they can so easily take it from the world.

• 20:50Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And we want to shift that so they're prepared for adulthood when the world is just not going to cooperate in the same way. So if you're wondering about a how, there are so many different things. And obviously, it's not like one specific thing is going to make the biggest difference. But I also want to make sure you know how to get started. If you're thinking, I have a kid like this, let's build some momentum, right? I would start paying attention to the questions you ask. I think about questions as a road. I actually think about this in all relationships. When you ask someone a question, you're kind of saying to them, do you want to walk down this road with me? When we say to our kids immediately when they get home, what'd you get on that grade? Oh, what reading group are you in? Who else is in that reading group?

• 21:35Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Is this person in that reading group? What we're kind of saying is the road I want to walk down with you is one of competition and best and first and achievement and outcome.

• 21:47Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Very different question could be, tell me what you did at recess? What was the best part of your day? What was the worst part of your day? What was nice to you today? Who were you nice to today? What was hard today? There's so many other questions, but I would just start paying attention to the questions you ask as a communication of kind of what the family values in that kid.

• 22:19Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Here's a question parents ask me all the time. How can I help my kid take ownership of their routine? I love this question because owning a routine is such a good way for kids to build independence and confidence. It's why I'm excited to tell you about Yodo, the screen-free audio player for kids. In the mornings, your kid can wake up with Yodo's alarm clock. When your kid gets home from school, Yodo has focus tracks, audiobooks, music, and learning content. One of my kids really likes to write and record their own stories with the make your own cards. Then at night, your kid can build a wind down routine with Yodo's toothbrush timer, white noise, and night light. With the right sounds, stories, and a bit of structure, thanks to Yodo, mornings feel more manageable. Homework time feels calmer and winding down before bed becomes something kids can run

• 23:03Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  themselves, making the whole school year feel a little easier for everyone. Use the code DRBECKY15 for 15% off your order at Yodoplay.com. New customers only, ends October 31st. Terms apply. Offer valid on select products only. I don't know about you, but by the time September rolls around, I am ready for cozy season. That's when I start thinking about Thanksgiving plans and travel that allows me to spend quality time with my family. I'm thinking board games, changing leaves, maybe even a living room with a fireplace where we can read our books together. Maybe you're the kind of family that loves an adventure and wants a cabin in the mountains somewhere. Or maybe you're dreading the end of summer and need to look forward to staying at a home on the beach with a view of the ocean.

• 23:47Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Or maybe you love to cook, so you want to stay in a home with your dream kitchen. Wherever your travel plans take you, it's the perfect time to get a little reset together as a family. Before the holiday season and craziness begins. But here's something you may not have considered. If you're planning to go away this year, leaving your own space empty, you can list it on Airbnb while you're away to give another family some quality time in a home away from home. You get to make use of your space and you can earn some extra income to put toward your family's future travel plans. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.com/host.

• 24:28Speaker 03

  Hi, Dr. Becky. It's Sam. I'm calling in because everyone is always telling my daughter how beautiful she is. And my daughter honestly loves hearing it. It's so obvious. But me, I'm cringing inside the entire time. There's so much pressure on women to be pretty and social media is really starting to freak me out. Am I overthinking this? Is this something I should be doing differently? Or am I just supposed to go with the flow on this?

• 24:53Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I don't want a kid to think their worth is tied to any one thing, right? Or any, even two things. If my worth is about being pretty, or my worth is about getting As, or my worth is about being funny, or my worth is about being amazing at drawing, no matter what it is, what we're saying is your worth is defined in a very, very narrow way. And then ironically, kids will put more energy into that because who doesn't want to be more affirmed in feeling worthy? And then, of course, as soon as that thing becomes into question, now it's like, well, I haven't really felt good about myself in any other way. I don't really have a big well of good feelings about myself to draw on.

• 25:35Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  So when I go through puberty and I start having acne, when people stop liking me, when I'm in an awkward phase, when nothing's changed about me, but I actually am just not paying attention to any of the other things that could be interesting about me.

• 25:51Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  My sense of self becomes very fragile. And that might come out as a ton of anxiety or kind of depressive feelings, or just feeling so focused on one narrow sliver of who I am, at the detriment to kind of the wholeness of what's really true about me. And look, I think this is in especially tricky time we're raising our girls. Social media is a really powerful influence in terms of an outside-in definition of ourself. So sometimes I think what social media is, is a way of saying, "Let me show you who I am, and you'll tell me if I'm good enough. Let me show you who I am, and you'll tell me if I'm interesting.

• 26:33Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Let me show you who I am, and you'll tell me if I'm likable by how many likes I have. Let me show you who I am, and you'll tell me if I'm included enough, have enough belonging, everything is defined. Well, am I in that snap group? Did people like my picture? Am I included in the group versus the picture someone else posted? That they were all together and I wasn't there? There is such pressure for everyone, but definitely our girls for this outside-in way of defining self-worth. Plus, on social media, we know our girls are flooded with images of other girls, other women, that have a very, very narrowly-defined sense of what beauty,

• 27:16Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  but really of what worth and identity look like. That's dangerous. And often, one antidote to that is what we do in our home, what we talk about in our home, what we ask about in our home, how we respond to our kids when they ask us kind of poignant questions. "Does this look good on me?" It's a great question to just double-click on. It seems like such an innocent question. Yeah, it looks good on you. "Does this look good on me?" To me, there's a lot going on. I put on an outfit, and I picture myself now. I don't know, I'm eight, I'm 12. Put on an outfit. And my question, does this look good on me, already says something.

• 28:02Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  My job is to put something on myself that looks good to other people. I am already fairly oriented outside in versus, and I know, and it's okay. We all have a little bit of an eye roll, really, does anyone think like that? But they do, and it's possible to shift it a little. Does this feel good on me? Do I like this outfit? Does this feel like something that makes me feel like a good version of myself? Very different. So I'll start you off there as a way of shifting it. Does this look good on me, Mom? Hey Dad, does this look good on me?

• 28:41Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You know, the thing I want to say back is, how something feels to you is more important than how it looks to others. And let me tell you something, if this is the first time you say this, kids not gonna like it. What an annoying response, just tell me, does it look good? And I would, I would push it a little. Look, it's actually a trickier question than you think. I think the most important thing as you grow up is for you to figure out, even around clothing, what you like, what feels like you, what feels like an experiment you want to take. What makes you feel going out of the house like the best, most excited version of you?

• 29:21Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And the idea that I would know that for you, better than you would know that for you?

• 29:30Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I don't really want to participate in that message. And so I know this answer is annoying, and I know you've asked me this question a million times before, but right now I'm shifting my answer a little bit. Show me what else you're thinking about wearing. What do you like about that? What is something that excites you? What feels good? What are you going to do today? How do you want to feel in your clothing while you do that? What matters? Tell me more about it. What I'm really doing with my kid is even with something like clothing and appearance, instead of making it a 100% gazing out experience, I am actually helping recircuit their body to a gazing inexperience. Oh, what do I like? Oh, I do have PE today at school. What would I want to wear during PE to be comfortable?

• 30:14Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Do I like to have colorful clothes? Do I like simple things? What do I like and why? Like, if I can tell you about the young women I've seen for decades in practice, The idea of knowing what they like has almost become terrifying. What do I like? Who do I like? I'm so focused on if that person likes me, I don't even know if I like that. Mom is so focused on if someone liked what I posted, I don't even know if I like it. I'm so focused on other people thinking my outfit is cute. I don't even know what I prefer. That's what we really want to shift away from. And so, look, we can't control what other people say to our kids. So if other people are constantly saying to your daughter, "Oh, my goodness, you're so beautiful. Oh, my goodness, look at you. Oh, my goodness, you're so pretty."

• 31:00Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Again, we don't have to spiral. We don't have to look at that person and say, "Stop orienting my kid outside in." You might want to whisper something to your kid after, a little bit just to have kind of some dissonance with how that comment gets ingested.

• 31:17Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You're so much more than how you look. Look, I see a kid who, yes, is very beautiful. And I see a kid who's so nice to her siblings and who's working so hard at math right now, even though math is getting really, really tricky. I see a kid who's become really interested in biology. I see a kid who still lets me cuddle with her at night and read a book together. I see all that, too. Will your child say back to you, "Thank you for preserving my self-worth, I really value that"? No, your child will probably roll their eyes. That's okay, we can take it. And I promise you, a decade later, it will have a profound impact on them.

• 31:59Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I don't know about you, but by the time September rolls around, I am ready for cozy season. That's when I start thinking about Thanksgiving plans and travel that allows me to spend quality time with my family. I'm thinking board games, changing leaves, maybe even a living room with a fireplace where we can read our books together. Maybe you're the kind of family that loves an adventure and wants a cabin in the mountains somewhere. Or maybe you're dreading the end of summer and need to look forward to staying at a home on the beach with a view of the ocean. Or maybe you love to cook, so you want to stay in a home with your dream kitchen. Wherever your travel plans take you, it's the perfect time to get a little reset, together as a family, before the holiday. Season and craziness begins. But here's something you may not have considered. If you're planning to go away this year, leaving your own space empty,

• 32:44Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  you can list it on Airbnb while you're away to give another family some quality time in a home away from home. You get to make use of your space and you can earn some extra income to put toward your family's future travel plans. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.com/host. Here's a question parents ask me all the time. How can I help my kid take ownership of their routine? I love this question because owning a routine is such a good way for kids to build independence and confidence. It's why I'm excited to tell you about Yodo, the screen-free audio player for kids. In the mornings, your kid can wake up with Yodo's alarm clock. When your kid gets home from school, Yodo has focus tracks, audiobooks, music, and learning content. One of my kids really likes to write and record their own stories

• 33:29Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  with the make your own cards. Then at night, your kid can build a wind down routine with Yodo's toothbrush timer, white noise, and night light. With the right sounds, stories, and a bit of structure, thanks to Yodo, mornings feel more manageable. Homework time feels calmer and winding down before bed becomes something kids can run themselves, making the whole school year feel a little easier for everyone. Use the code DRBECKY15 for 15% off your order at Yodoplay.com. New customers only, ends October 31st. Terms apply. Offer valid on select products only.

• 34:08Speaker 01

  I obviously want my son to feel proud of himself. But lately, it's like he cannot function without my constant approval. He's always saying things like, did you see that? Was that good? Do you like it? And it's really nonstop and it's driving me nuts. So I'm wondering, is this normal? And is there something that I should be doing differently?

• 34:31Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  So this is a great thing to notice. My kid is doing something. Whether it's like my young kid is building a tower. I don't know, maybe my slightly older kid produces some drawing. My older kid is working on some math problem. Okay, is there anything wrong with our kids coming to us and say, "Look what I did." No, I do that all the time, too. Sometimes we're really proud of ourselves. We want to show someone else. We kind of want to see reflected in their eyes, how impressed they are that we did this thing. Of course, that feels good sometimes. Okay, so again, you do not need to worry that your kid asks for your approval, asks you to look at things, asks in some ways, sometimes to say, "Good job." We don't have to think in extremes. Of course, that's allowed.

• 35:12Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And I think what this parent is noting is this pattern I've seen a lot with families, too, where parents are saying, "It's almost like my kid can do nothing on their own. My kid is constantly coming to me to make sure I've seen what they've done. Did you see me kick that goal? Did you see me practice soccer in the backyard? Do you see that I can do my left foot dribbling? Watch, left foot, right foot. Wait, wait, left foot, right foot, left foot. Wait, wait, watch again, I'm going to do it more." And a little bit, you're thinking like, "I'm sorry, I don't want my whole life to be gazing at my child and say, 'That's amazing, that's amazing, that's amazing, that's amazing.'" And I think it feels annoying because in some love on our body, we know something is off. I want my kids, when they do something amazing, to of course want to share that with me.

• 35:55Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And I want my kids sometimes to do something amazing and to feel like it's enough to know that for themselves. And then usually when you know it for yourself, you keep going. You don't even know if that's the finished product. It's the difference between, "Look, I built a tall block tower. Isn't that amazing?" And then watching your kid build a tower and you're watching, thinking, "I think that's the tallest tower they ever built." Wow, they're adding to it.

• 36:22Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I think that's the tallest tower they ever built. Wow, they're adding to it. They're walking over, wait, oh, they're making a sign. They've never put a sign with the tower. Oh, that's so interesting. They're getting a stuffed animal bear and a fire truck. What are they doing? They've become so almost enveloped in this world and so excited by things inside themselves that they are not looking for an endpoint and a stamp of approval. They are looking to continue creating. They're almost enthralled by themselves and what that can lead to instead of stopping for praise.

• 37:04Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Here's one thing I want to give you that I think starts to help a kid build that circuit. So I remember a moment many years ago that my daughter brought me this thing she painted. And I know I'm good at some things I can say without a doubt. I'm just not a good artist. And I know someone's like, Becky, you could work on it. Maybe that's true, but I'm just telling you right now, stick figures at best. Okay. So I saw this thing my daughter did and truly I was in awe. I was like, I literally don't even know how you did this. Where did you get this talent from? I know it's my husband, but still it was just incredible. And of course it felt natural to just say, that is amazing. Or this is the most beautiful painting I've ever seen. Okay.

• 37:48Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And again, if I say that, my chastising myself at night, I messed up my kid. No, we say that sometimes, but there was something about that day. I was on my game. And this is what I ended up saying to her. Because let me just tell you, this painting was really interesting. It had this rainbow part where the colors, and she kind of knows all the colors of the rainbow, they were very different and they kind of melded together in this interesting way. Here's the first thing I said. How did you think to make the rainbow like that? And I want to tell you what she did. She lit up inside and just started telling me about the idea she had and something that had happened at school and something she saw at the playground and how that made her think about something and that led to the rainbow.

• 38:31Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And did I notice, because it led to that, that this color in the rainbow is actually the same color as the grass?

• 38:38Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  She told me her story.

• 38:41Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  If you think about anything a kid does on the surface, it is always a much smaller representation of a process that lives inside of them. Any art that's produced is this single entity. It came from a kid thinking about something and debating things. And what color should I use? And should I do this or this? And actually, I don't want to do that at all. And maybe they had done four things before the thing you ended up seeing. Any tower your kid builds, same thing. They were thinking, they were weighing decisions. Is that going to knock it over? The math problem your kid is working on. What did they have to think about? What did they learn in class? Did they have to challenge themselves? Did they erase it? There is so much happening and living inside your kid's body

• 39:26Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  that ends up getting represented in something outside their body. And when you say to a kid, "Great job, that's amazing." Something really interesting happens, not damaging your kid, but it's a conversation ender. "You did the bonus math problem, great job." "Oh, yeah, thanks." "Amazing job with that painting." "I know, right? That's a tall block tower." "Yes, it is." It's actually a conversation ender. I want you to hear this kind of question starter. "How did you think to? How did you think to make the rainbow that color? How did you think to include a teddy bear and a fire truck with this tower?

• 40:11Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And tell me about the sign." "Huh. How did you think to start the bonus problem? I know it was optional. How did you get to that answer? I'm seeing like a lot of work here." Now, parents often say to me, "Dr. Becky, is my kid going to find that annoying?" No.

• 40:29Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  There is nothing that feels better than someone being curious about you as a person, about someone wanting to know more about your process, right? Think about decorating your room and you totally changed everything. And think about the friend who says, "This room is amazing. It looks beautiful." Okay, again, it doesn't feel bad, but think about the friend who said, "Wait, how did you think to have that wall color with that carpet?" And now think about how that feels when you get to tell your whole story. When someone says, "How did you think to?" What they're kind of saying to you is, "I see something real and interesting and valuable

• 41:10Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  inside of you that's actually the real thing. And whatever I'm seeing on the surface is just kind of a manifestation, is a representation, but I'm actually more interested in the you, in the process, in what led to this." You want to know what helps kids become confident? It's when people around them are really interested in their thought process, in what they did before, in how they got to a certain point. Now, if this is new, your kid might look at you weird, they might be like, "That's kind of a weird question." You can say something simple. You know, "Yeah, I'm just really curious to learn more. I can tell a lot went into this.

• 41:51Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Instead of just focusing on the painting, I want to hear about everything that went into this. Tell me more." And I think what's going to happen and what you're going to see in your kid is going to feel really magical to you and to them. So I know we've been talking about confidence in kids, but I just can't help myself. And every time I talk about something that's helpful to build in a kid, I do, I just think about you, the parent, and how it is never too late for us to access the same things we're trying to grow in our kids. And I just have a feeling you might need to hear, you are more than everything you do. You are more than anything you accomplish.

• 42:35Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I think one of the reasons it feels so important for us to tidy up our home, for us to be the first sign up on the bake sale, is in a way, maybe we've developed circuitry that says, I need external accomplishment, or external recognition, or praise for me to get good feelings about myself. And I guess, I feel like we all deserve a moment right now, of knowing your worth, it lives inside of you. You have a lot of interesting things you're working on and thinking about, that are much bigger, and more valuable than how they get represented on the surface. And I want to make sure you hear that.

• 43:17Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Now, if this has sparked something in you, and you're thinking, I want more, and I want to talk about this more, because this is such a hot topic, I want to make sure you know, yes, I have an amazing Rethinking Confidence Workshop in our membership, and our podcast club in membership, is the best place to talk to other parents about how to apply these ideas, or what it makes you think about in your own childhood, or anything in that range. Let's take a moment to ground ourselves, before we transition into the next part of our day. Place your feet on the ground, place a hand on your heart, and let's remind ourselves,

• 43:53Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  even as we struggle on the outside, we remain good inside. I'll see you soon.

• 44:14Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You know that feeling when your brain is at full capacity, right? I mean, you have a reminder from the dentist in your email, a birthday party invitation on the fridge, and your kid just texted you about a soccer game they forgot to mention until that moment, and you just cannot remember one more thing.

• 44:30Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That's where Skylight Calendar comes in. It's an all-in-one digital smart calendar that syncs with Google, Apple, and Outlook to help your whole family see the days and weeks ahead. And I really love the Tasks feature, which is designed to help your kid build routines around things like homework and chores. And when your kid can do those things independently, it's a huge win for everyone in the family. Skylight Calendar is so much more than just a calendar. It's something you can add to your routine to help your family work together. And right now, Skylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15-inch calendars by going to myskylight.com/becky.

• 45:10Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That's M-Y-S-K-Y-L-I-G-H-T.com/Becky for $30 off your 15-inch calendar. myskylight.com/becky. You know, parents carry a lot. In fact, data show that most parents spend every waking hour caring for someone else. So if you feel exhausted and stretched thin, you're not alone, and that makes sense. And look, I also know from experience what a relief it is to find caregiving support. Finding a babysitter you trust and your kids will have fun with, that makes it so much easier to go back to work, or travel, or yeah, even go on one date with your partner.

• 45:52Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Care.com makes it easier to find trusted, background-checked caregivers with search and hiring tools you won't find on social media. Whether you need full-time help, or just part-time help with morning drop-off, or after-school care, Care.com can help you find nannies, sitters, and daycares. And you can find the expertise that matters to you. Think homework help, CPR training, or experience with multiple kids. And if you're considering daycare, you can search, compare, and request tours, and could even get a discount on daycare tuition as a Care.com member. If you need more support, Care.com can help. For a limited time, you can use the code BECKY35 to save 35% on a Care.com membership.

• 46:36Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  When it's not you, it's Care.com.