Forgiveness, Finding Real Love & Setting Expectations w/Stephan Speaks (PART 2) EP 1115

“Real love is a two way thing.”Today's guest is Stephan Labossiere, also known as Stephan Speaks. As a certified relationship coach, a speaker and author, he helps both men and women overcome the challenges that hinder their relationships. Stephan empowers millions to take charge of the difficult situations standing in the way of the life and love they seek and to make impactful changes on a daily basis. He’s written a book called Love After Heartbreak and the first volume is all about helping you self-heal, find inner peace and true happiness. This is actually the second part of Lewis and Stephan's conversation, so if you haven’t checked out part 1, you can do so by going to www.lewishowes.com/1114In this episode Lewis and Stephan discuss the importance of forgiveness in our relationships, the 3 things you should do to know if you have a connection with someone, how to know if you’re staying in the wrong relationship, why Stephan doesn’t believe in setting expectations for relationships, and so much more! For more go to: www.lewishowes.com/1115Check out his website: www.stephanspeaks.comCheck out his book: Finding Love After Heartbreak: Volume IPrevious episodes: www.lewishowes.com/703 , www.lewishowes.com/994The Power of Erotic Intelligence with Esther Perel: https://link.chtbl.com/732-podFind Lasting Love with Matthew Hussey: https://link.chtbl.com/811-pod Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Lewis Howes?

  This is episode number 1,115 with Stephan Speaks. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week, we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

• 0:28Lewis Howes?

  Mike Murdock said, "Each relationship nurtures a strength or weakness within you." And Mr. Rogers said, "Love is at the root of everything, all learning, all parenting, all relationships, love or lack thereof it." My guest today is Stephan LeBosier, also known as Stephan Speaks and as a certified relationship coach, speaker, and author. He helps both men and women overcome the challenges that hinder their relationships. Stephan empowers millions to take charge of the difficult situations standing in the way of the life and the love that they seek, and to make impactful changes on a daily basis. And he's written an amazing book called Love After Heartbreak. And the first volume is all about helping you self-heal, finding inner peace and true happiness.

• 1:13Lewis Howes?

  And I've had Stephan on multiple times in the past. They're all mega hits. So make sure to check them out in the show notes if you enjoyed this episode and you want to hear more. Also, this is the second part of a part two conversation. So if you haven't checked out part one yet, you can do so by checking out the previous episode on Apple or Spotify, or going to lewishouse.com/1114. And make sure you check that out as well, because it will blow you away. And in this episode, we discuss the importance of forgiveness in our relationships and why people find it so hard to do so. The three things you should do to know if you have a connection with someone that you're dating. How to know if you're staying in the wrong relationship. And I know this is something that a lot of people want to know, who go through many ups and downs. Is this the wrong relationship?

• 1:57Lewis Howes?

  Why Stephan doesn't believe in setting expectations in relationships, and so much more. If you enjoy this, make sure to spread the message of greatness. Text a few friends, post it on social media, and also subscribe to the School of Greatness over on Apple Podcasts right now. We're on Spotify, so you stay up to date with the latest in greatness on the School of Greatness. Okay, in just a moment, the one and only Stephan Speaks.

• 2:24Lewis Howes?

  Let's say, okay, I did step one, I wrote the list, I started writing letters, I sent some of these letters out, but I'm still not, I'm still feeling triggered. I still don't feel healed. Is there more steps to

• 2:34Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 2:35Lewis Howes?

  Healing one-on-one? Or is, is, is it just now is the time?

• 2:39Stephan Speaks?

  No, so, the other part I mentioned earlier was forgiveness, alright? And forgiveness is a huge part, but what people have to understand with forgiveness is, forgiveness isn't a snap of the finger thing, alright? Meaning, you could do all of this, you can say, "I forgive them, I'm good, I'm moving forward." And like you said, two, three weeks later, something happens and you're triggered.

• 3:00Lewis Howes?

  You gotta keep forgiving.

• 3:01Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. In that moment, you have to stop yourself. See, the mistake we make is that when we get triggered, we allow ourselves to dive into it. We dwell in that moment. And so now, you're, you're staying in that negative place. What you have to do is recognize the moment, say, "No, I forgave them, what's done is done, I'm moving forward." And that's it. Keep practicing it. And as you practicing, practicing, you'll notice you're triggered less. You'll notice it's affecting you less. Now you'll get to a point where it doesn't bother you at all. You're not phased by it. So it's a reprogramming of the brain to say, you know what, this is not, this doesn't matter anymore. It's done. It's in the past. But it's not just forgiving them, it's forgiving ourselves. And that's a big hurdle for a lot of people.

• 3:46Stephan Speaks?

  There are people listening to this who will be able to say, "I forgave that person," but you're still beating yourself up. You're still holding the mistake over your own head. Whatever that is. And you have to learn that we all make mistakes, we all fall short. Learn from them, grow, move forward. Do not dwell on them. And so it's the same thing. Every time you find yourself beating yourself up, no, I forgive myself, I'm done, what's done is done, I'm moving forward. That's it. You keep saying it to yourself. You will get to a place where it doesn't bother you anymore.

• 4:18Lewis Howes?

  Is it harder to forgive someone that did something horrible to you?

• 4:25Lewis Howes?

  Or is it harder to forgive yourself?

• 4:28Stephan Speaks?

  It depends on what they did. I think, I think, you know, that's gonna vary from situation to situation. But I will say, if I had to lean towards one, I would say forgiving ourselves is harder.

• 4:41Lewis Howes?

  Why is it harder?

• 4:42Stephan Speaks?

  Because we live with ourselves.

• 4:44Lewis Howes?

  Because we live with ourselves.

• 4:45Stephan Speaks?

  Yes. You see, like, that person can do that one thing, and it can be very hurtful. But we may not see them again. We, we may not face a circumstance like that again. There may be buffers in our life that allows us to detach from what happened. But when we make our mistake, we have to live with that. We have to face ourselves in the mirror. And then there may be other mistakes we make that pile onto that. See, that person may have one offense that we have to forgive them for. But we could end up having several offenses against ourselves. And now it becomes a harder journey for a lot of people to just accept that we're, we're all flawed. And we, we're all gonna fall short. I'll, I'll keep saying that. We, we, none of us get it perfect.

• 5:29Stephan Speaks?

  None of us has never made a mistake. And you know how they say even in business, everyone who's successful has failed. And so in life, it's the same thing. Anyone who's successful at life has made mistakes. You're either gonna learn from them, or you're gonna dwell on them. And too many people are dwelling in their mistakes.

• 5:47Lewis Howes?

  Is there anything in your life you haven't healed yet?

• 5:50Stephan Speaks?

  Um.

• 5:55Stephan Speaks?

  You already fucking on the spot today.

• 5:56Lewis Howes?

  You know?

• 5:59Stephan Speaks?

  So, I will, I'm not gonna get too deep into it. But I will say, I will say that I've done the letter before. Alright, so I've done this whole process.

• 6:08Lewis Howes?

  Sometimes you need to write multiple letters to the same person.

• 6:10Stephan Speaks?

  And, and, no, so the person I did it for, um, I, I, I, I did all the, the big ones, so to speak. But there was a small one, uh, with a family member that I didn't realize was a problem till years after. Because it, to me, at the time, I kinda brushed it under the rug. It's whatever. No big deal. Now, I will say this, and I'm not trying to make excuses. The, the issue, I don't believe, has any detrimental impact on my relationships. Alright, cuz I do believe there.

• 6:42Lewis Howes?

  But it's something there, it's something there though.

• 6:44Stephan Speaks?

  No, you're right, you're right, you're right. I'm not, listen, I'm gonna handle it. The letter's gonna be written.

• 6:49Lewis Howes?

  When? By when?

• 6:51Stephan Speaks?

  By next week. My next week.

• 6:54Lewis Howes?

  One day.

• 6:55Stephan Speaks?

  Give me till. You know.

• 6:59Lewis Howes?

  Why not write it on your flight home? Write it on your flight home.

• 7:02Stephan Speaks?

  You know what? I'll do it today.

• 7:04Lewis Howes?

  Let's go, baby. I like that. I like that.

• 7:06Stephan Speaks?

  I'll do it today.

• 7:07Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 7:07Stephan Speaks?

  I got time with the hotel room.

• 7:09Lewis Howes?

  You'll write the letter you need to write.

• 7:11Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 7:11Lewis Howes?

  And then is this a letter you send to this person?

• 7:14Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah, that one will be sent.

• 7:15Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely. Interesting. Now, do you do a two-step, two-step process there where you write? Or a two-draft process where you write?

• 7:21Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah, I would still do.

• 7:22Lewis Howes?

  Ah, and then?

• 7:23Stephan Speaks?

  I truly believe in all those steps. And I believe that we should not skip any of them. Because skipping them can really throw things off. All right? Because again, you don't want to say, well, I'm not really that mad, so I don't need draft one. Right? But then for all you know, you've been suppressing more anger than you realize.

• 7:41Lewis Howes?

  Just say, I fucking hate you because. Start it with that.

• 7:45Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 7:46Lewis Howes?

  And let it rip.

• 7:47Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 7:47Lewis Howes?

  And if nothing really comes, great. But allow yourself to go as crazy as you want.

• 7:51Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. So I would not skip a step. And I would encourage everyone, if you do this process, do not skip steps. Don't remix steps. I've seen some people say, well, I didn't do a letter, I sent a text. No.

• 8:03Lewis Howes?

  It doesn't work.

• 8:03Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. It's not the same thing. You can't send a text. You can't do one draft. You don't skip things. Do the whole thing.

• 8:10Lewis Howes?

  Why does writing a letter? Why is that more powerful than typing or texting or voice messaging a letter?

• 8:17Stephan Speaks?

  So, because voice message, text, typing is not bad.

• 8:23Lewis Howes?

  So you can type a letter.

• 8:24Stephan Speaks?

  Type or writing is fine, yes. But text and voice message is bad because inherently and subconsciously, those are quick-hitting ways of expressing ourselves. All right? We don't do a voice message to leave a 10, 15-minute message. All right? We typically do it for a quick one-minute, two-minute, three. It can be longer at times, but there's this thing in us that doesn't allow us to really draw it all the way out. Because if what you're feeling needs to be a 30-page-long letter, you're not going to do a 30-page worth voice memo. Chances are. Unless you wrote it first and then you expressed it through a voice recording. Or what you can do is you could record yourself.

• 9:09Stephan Speaks?

  Alright, let it all out in recording and then re-record the second draft. So you can do it by voice recording. But when it's a text voice memo and all that kinda stuff, or text messages, because again, texts are condensed ways of expressing ourselves. They're not made for long expressions. So even if you say, "Well, I can..." No, it's just not gonna work the same. And it's very easy for you to feel like, well, typing all of that, and if you gotta go back to type more, and it's gonna spread over to like 10, 20 texts. Most people aren't gonna do that. They're gonna try to make it shorter. So no, do the letter, but the alternative, voice recording, is an acceptable method.

• 9:48Lewis Howes?

  Wow. Okay. So we've talked about it. So that's the thing you still need to heal. Still work on yourself personally, is writing that letter.

• 9:57Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah. And I will say this, because I want it to be understood that I do believe there's some level of blockage because of it. So even though I said, "I don't think it has," or "I don't believe," and I'm pretty confident in saying, it doesn't have... Yeah, there's always a might. You're right. It's always possible. But I guess from my evaluation, I don't see it pouring into any of my, into a romantic relationship. But, and let me say this, not directly, but indirectly. So what I mean by that is, sometimes the things that we're holding on to, and this is just maybe a random example. But let's say the weight of these things causes you to fall into depression at times, alright?

• 10:39Stephan Speaks?

  So even though you may not see it as, "I'm directly going to be negative towards my partner," you falling into depression impacts the relationship.

• 10:49Lewis Howes?

  It's still you being a hurt person.

• 10:51Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. And they have to deal with that. So it can't always indirectly impact our relationship. And that's why it's important for us to not sweep it under the rug. And so that's why I'm completely committed to doing it. And I was planning on doing it, because I know that I don't wanna leave any stone unturned. You know what I'm saying?

• 11:10Lewis Howes?

  How long you been thinking about this?

• 11:12Stephan Speaks?

  Since the beginning of the year.

• 11:15Stephan Speaks?

  This is the beginning of the year.

• 11:16Lewis Howes?

  The time now, now's the time.

• 11:18Stephan Speaks?

  It's time.

• 11:19Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 11:19Stephan Speaks?

  It dawned on me in the beginning of the year, I was like, you know what? I, I think I gotta do this. But then I had went, like I had went somewhere and then it, you know, life and you just keep swinging around. And that's the mistake, that's the problem that we have. We let life get the best of us and we get busy and we get distracted. And again, doing these exercises isn't easy all the time. But we gotta commit to it and we gotta commit to understanding if we want the best for ourselves, for our life, for our relationships, we've gotta cover all the bases when it comes to healing.

• 11:51Lewis Howes?

  Let's say, uh, someone's single and they're meeting different people to date, right?

• 11:59Lewis Howes?

  And they don't want to, well, maybe, maybe this is something they should do. What would be three questions they should ask to know if they have the right connection with someone? Seeing as you said, connection is something that you can't create. You either have it or you don't.

• 12:14Stephan Speaks?

  Mm-hmm.

• 12:16Lewis Howes?

  What are three questions to ask that person in the first hour of meeting them? If you think you have connection?

• 12:22Stephan Speaks?

  I, I don't even think it's questions to ask. I'll give you three things they should do.

• 12:26Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 12:26Stephan Speaks?

  All right? Three things. Number one, be your authentic self.

• 12:31Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 12:32Stephan Speaks?

  All right? So no representative, no game playing, no trying to maneuver this because you really like this person and want them. No, just be yourself and either they, they're gonna like you and love you for who you are or they're not.

• 12:44Lewis Howes?

  What does that, what does that mean? Like say, everything that's on your mind, be as like quirky as you wanna be, unfiltered?

• 12:50Stephan Speaks?

  If that's who you are, yes. If that's who you are, so if you're a quirky person.

• 12:55Lewis Howes?

  Don't be on your best behavior of like, okay, I'm gonna let this slide and this slide.

• 12:58Stephan Speaks?

  So let me give you a perfect example. Um, let's say for a woman, she's dating a guy and she views this guy as very conservative. All right? So she thinks she has to come and be an angel on this date, be a good girl, all right? But lo and behold, she's a little scaredless. She's a little out there, alright? But what she doesn't realize is, he likes that. Right. He actually wants the sight of her she's not showing, alright? But she's projecting what she thinks that she needs to bring to the table because of who she thinks he is. But she doesn't know the full real him. So a lot of people don't even realize they're shooting themselves in the foot because you're doing who you, you're being what you think you should be. Rather than just be yourself.

• 13:40Stephan Speaks?

  And if they are, if they're connecting with that, great. If they don't, so be it. Let's not play any games with each other. So, again, if you're quirky, be quirky. If you're a very affectionate person, be affectionate. Granted, there can be boundaries drawn so that we don't make any confusion as to Sure. sending the wrong message. But don't hinder being your true self. Yes. Because that only throws things off. Okay. Second thing is, be very honest and transparent. Alright, so it's one thing to be yourself, but sometimes when the conversation goes into certain areas, we, we don't want to be open and honest about what we're thinking or how we feel. Let's say, for example, not that people should be, need to be talking about politics on the first date, but let's just say

• 14:24Stephan Speaks?

  they ask you about politics, right? Say how you feel. Yes, because what purpose does it serve for you to try to dodge it? To then find out later that you guys don't, don't get together. Perfect example, I had a client one time who met this guy, she felt that he, there was a connection there. She felt like this was it, right? And they had some other issues, but one of the sticking, the sticking issues they had was he was a Trump supporter, she was not. Wow. Okay? Now I said, listen, so you're telling me that you guys may not get together over a man who will only be president for X amount of years, okay? But your relationship can span way past that. Now, I understand for people it goes deeper than that. His values or something else. Exactly, but the point is,

• 15:07Stephan Speaks?

  if he would have, if he swept it under the rug and tried to just avoid the political, his political standing. Like him. Exactly. Only for it to come out later and destroy everything. You only delayed the inevitable. I'd rather know that we're not on the same page from day one than to wait into year one or year two. That makes no sense. Alright, and again, to me, if there's a true connection, we're either gonna have the same values or we're gonna be able to work through them. Yeah. Because connection does not mean That everything is gonna be in perfect alignment as far as how we see things. But, we will be able to embrace each other's differences. That difference wouldn't make us wanna walk away from each other, alright?

• 15:52Stephan Speaks?

  So again, be yourself and open thi- answer things openly and transparently. So we're not leaving uh, any mystery here or playing any games.

• 16:00Lewis Howes?

  Yup, and then the third thing?

• 16:02Stephan Speaks?

  The third thing is just be aware. And, and to me, what I mean by that is, and I'm gonna use men right now. Cause I do feel like, as men, we'll meet a woman, and again, she might be awesome, be great. And a lot of times, we know deep inside, eh, something's not there. She's just not the one. But we really like her, or really like aspects about her, so we wanna hold on to this. So you're allowing this desire to blind you and not allow you to be aware of the fact that, no, you know she's not it. And accept that. Accept that and walk away, end it, because there's no point in dragging this on. At the very least, if you wanna continue it, then be honest about this ain't going anywhere.

• 16:43Stephan Speaks?

  And if we wanna have phone- if you wanna have fun with each other, that's two adults making their own decision. But don't, don't continue on under the guise of, "I'm, I'm looking for a serious relationship with this woman, when I know deep inside, she's not the one for me."

• 16:56Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 16:56Stephan Speaks?

  Alright, and the same thing happens with women. It's like, yo, just be aware. Because I, I would tell you, everyone that I've spoken to about connection, and, and as expressed, they've experienced this. It was pretty much an instant thing. It wasn't an over time thing. So as long as you're aware.

• 17:12Lewis Howes?

  That's why you hear some people are like, "We got married in like, three months."

• 17:16Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 17:16Lewis Howes?

  Cause we just knew, like, something was connected.

• 17:18Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly, and, and what I hate that's happening in society now is, love bombing, alright? So, love bombing is a hot topic, and I, one day wanna do a video on it. But people view these fast-moving relationships as, "Oh, it's love bombing, oh, it's toxic." And it's like, that's not every situation. And I think one of the most important things to understand about love bombing is, love bombing is a one-way action. Meaning, it's one person trying to overwhelm you with all this love, to get you to buy into it and move forward. Connection is a two-way experience. When two people are feeling this draw to each other, both feeling into each other, that's real. You shouldn't run from that, and you shouldn't say, "Oh, well, it's happening too fast."

• 18:02Stephan Speaks?

  I would argue, real love, real connection is fast. That that that over time stuff is you're learning to tolerate each other. You're becoming attached to each other. You you're becoming conditioned to each other's presence. It's not actual real love or connection. You know what I'm saying? And so we we've been we've we've people have been brainwashed in my opinion. I I just think and again, if you really sit down and examine these situations, you will see the huge differences. I remember one time I had an Uber driver. He said he met his wife, the first time he met her, the way on a date. He knew she was the one.

• 18:37Lewis Howes?

  Gosh.

• 18:37Stephan Speaks?

  They've been married sixty five years.

• 18:39Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 18:40Stephan Speaks?

  Happy as hell. He says like he would never leave like he they're still affectionate, they're still loving. Maybe it was fifty five years. Either way, it was a long time.

• 18:49Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 18:49Stephan Speaks?

  All right. And he's like, yeah, he's like, he he was telling me how he doesn't understand how this world works now. It's just crazy to him and and all these things. It didn't take him forever to want to marry his wife.

• 18:59Lewis Howes?

  Of the people that you think are in a relationship for over a year, your estimate, what percentage of them

• 19:09Lewis Howes?

  are really happy and have true connection? The people in a relationship for over a year, what's the percent of people that you think, let's say in America, that have true connection and are not just in it because of chemistry? Or maybe there's compatibility or desire for the first year or there's some whatever?

• 19:28Stephan Speaks?

  The number that's coming to me is twenty percent.

• 19:31Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 19:32Stephan Speaks?

  And I might be being generous.

• 19:35Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 19:36Stephan Speaks?

  I would argue the the vast majority, even past a year, are not truly happy and there's not a true connection.

• 19:43Lewis Howes?

  So you're telling you're telling me you believe that eighty percent of people that are in a relationship

• 19:49Lewis Howes?

  don't have real connection?

• 19:50Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah.

• 19:52Lewis Howes?

  But why? Okay, here's one. One, why are we, why do people stay in relationships if they don't have connection? And two,

• 20:02Lewis Howes?

  if that many people are with the wrong people?

• 20:05Stephan Speaks?

  If they all broke up, could they find the right person? Or would it maybe never find someone with real connection? Okay, so why we say even when there's not a connection? One, because people don't even understand the concept of connection. Okay. So it's a very foreign thing to a lot of people. And what they've been taught by others is it's not about connection. It's about, well, you like them, they like you, and you get together and you see if you can make it work. Right? And, and because other relationships that are together without connection want to validate their relationship, they will encourage others who don't have connection to move forward in their relationship. All right? Because again, they don't want to face that fact. One, a quick example- People are also afraid to be alone, I think. Oh, absolutely.

• 20:48Stephan Speaks?

  Afraid to be alone, afraid to start over, afraid to be wrong, because especially in a situation where other people told you this wasn't it, and you fought hard to defend it. You don't want to face that. There's also the, I don't want the other person to win. And I use that with a lot of women that happens. Whereas if there's another woman that's somewhere in the situation, um, that he dated, or maybe there was anything that happened, it becomes a competition. Oh my gosh. I'm not gonna let him go because I don't want her to win. Not because I want this man, or he's so amazing. That seems exhausting. It's super exhausting, but there are a lot of women who engage in those kind of situations. Man, that's tough. Or have fallen into those types of situations. So I think another one is, well, we've invested this much time, I don't want to lose time.

• 21:33Stephan Speaks?

  That is a huge one. Really? Especially for women. Women, and, and it's everybody, but I do think it's even more so for women. Women have a very hard time walking away from anything they've invested a lot of energy, time, and emotion into. This is even for their careers. There are women right now listening to this who are not happy in their careers. They have not been happy for a long time. They may be successful, they may be doing very well, but they've never felt at peace and at home there. But, it is so hard to walk away when they gave so many years to it, so much time and energy to it. They don't know how to just let it go. And so the same thing happens in their relationships. Yes, if they've invested so much time, even though they know he's not it,

• 22:18Stephan Speaks?

  they know this relationship is not what it needs to be, they don't want to walk away from that. So all of those things paralyze people and keep them in a situation where there's no connection.

• 22:29Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I think I interrupted you. I'm not sure if you were to say something else, but I chimed in at one point, so.

• 22:34Stephan Speaks?

  I can't remember.

• 22:34Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, no worries.

• 22:35Stephan Speaks?

  But the second part was, you said, so you said, "Why do they stay when there's not a connection?" Oh, and if they went to break up?

• 22:41Lewis Howes?

  If eighty percent of these people said, "You know what? We're breaking up because we don't have connection." Could they find someone with connection in the next couple of years? Or would they ever find that person?

• 22:51Stephan Speaks?

  I think it's very possible. Can I say that? It's yes for everybody? No, but I think for the most people, yes. I think what people don't realize is, again, there are a lot of people who... I know a woman, alright, she was a client many years ago. She, make a long story short. So she married her guy knowing he wasn't it. She actually wanted to break up a few times before he proposed. But found herself kind of feeling stuck, they didn't know how to reject it, she went through with it. Many years later, she meets a guy that she feels in a connection with that she never felt before. Way more into this man than she ever was into her husband. But again, to the outside who doesn't understand this, they'll just say, "Oh, this woman lost interest," "or she's a horrible wife," or whatever.

• 23:36Stephan Speaks?

  But no, she always knew there was no connection with her husband. She didn't even want to marry this guy. There are men and women who have gotten married knowing this is not the one.

• 23:45Lewis Howes?

  On their wedding days, they knew.

• 23:46Stephan Speaks?

  Yes. I had another client who said their fam... Her whole family told her, "If you want to stop..." They were at the wedding. They were in a room in the back. Said, "If you want to stop the wedding right now, we will support you."

• 23:57Lewis Howes?

  Let's go.

• 23:58Stephan Speaks?

  She said she walked out and walked down that aisle, got married. And she said, "You know why she did it? Because she deserved to be married."

• 24:04Lewis Howes?

  Oh!

• 24:05Stephan Speaks?

  Not because that man was the one. Not because there was a connection.

• 24:10Lewis Howes?

  That's the worst.

• 24:11Stephan Speaks?

  No, because at that point, she felt like she deserved it.

• 24:13Lewis Howes?

  I'm thirty, I'm this, I deserve... My friends were all married.

• 24:18Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly.

• 24:18Lewis Howes?

  Now I deserve it.

• 24:19Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. And she can acknowledge that right now.

• 24:23Lewis Howes?

  That would make me sick if I was that guy, and if I wanted to... If I loved this woman very much, and I was giving my life to this woman, and she, in her heart, behind the scenes, fifteen minutes before walking out, everyone's saying, "Walk away, we know this isn't the right for you, you know it's not right for you." And she goes, "You know what? I deserved to be married, so I'm gonna do it anyways, even if it's not right."

• 24:44Stephan Speaks?

  Mm-hmm.

• 24:45Lewis Howes?

  That would... That's like so painful for the man, I feel like, too. It's more painful being in a relationship where someone doesn't want to be with you. Then, then breaking up with you, in my opinion.

• 24:57Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 24:58Lewis Howes?

  I don't know.

• 24:59Stephan Speaks?

  I mean.

• 24:59Lewis Howes?

  Then you're like, living a lie as married. You're like, okay, this person really doesn't want to be with me, for me.

• 25:04Stephan Speaks?

  It's, it's, it's, it's more hurtful because you're trapped in a situation where you're never gonna get what you deserve and need.

• 25:09Lewis Howes?

  Oh, man.

• 25:10Stephan Speaks?

  So at least if they break up with you, the breakup hurts, but you've been, you've been set free.

• 25:15Lewis Howes?

  Free.

• 25:15Stephan Speaks?

  And now you can get what you deserve.

• 25:17Lewis Howes?

  Free.

• 25:17Stephan Speaks?

  But to stay there, and they don't really want to be with you, and if they don't really want to be with you, they're not gonna pour into you the way that you need.

• 25:23Lewis Howes?

  Oh.

• 25:24Stephan Speaks?

  You're never gonna have happiness and peace. So absolutely, it's much worse to be in that situation than to be broken up with. But I would say that a lot of men don't even realize what's going on in these situations. Uh, and what men have to realize is, listen, like, I would argue in that scenario, he's not really in love with her. He's infatuated with her.

• 25:45Lewis Howes?

  That's why he's willing to put up with things and just tolerate things that he doesn't want to do.

• 25:49Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly.

• 25:49Lewis Howes?

  To have this idea of her.

• 25:50Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. He's infatuated, he's attached.

• 25:53Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 25:54Stephan Speaks?

  And so, it, he views it as love, you know, a, a, and, and I'm not saying no situation is ever real love, but a lot of people get love mixed up, you know, and, and again, to me, real love is a two-way thing, alright? And if, if we really love each other, then, well, I was gonna say, we really love each other, we'd be able and willing to pour into each other. But unfortunately, this is where lack of healing comes in, because that, that's why, like, there's some situations where two people can have a connection, can truly be in love, but if there's a lack of healing, it can still get thrown off. There's a lot of people who met their connection, but it did not happen because of fear. It did not happen because of a lack of healing. It did not happen because this was foreign to them, this was scary to them.

• 26:39Stephan Speaks?

  It's very overwhelming to meet that person you have a connection with. It, it pulls out all your insecurities, it makes you vulnerable in a way that you've never been vulnerable, and that is a lot. And so people will now run from their connection and go be with the person they're not really in love with, because it's safer there.

• 26:59Lewis Howes?

  Why, why, if you find someone with this connection, this is a great match, would you sabotage it over and over again to go find someone who's not a match? Why do people do this?

• 27:11Stephan Speaks?

  Because, so there's a few things to consider. One, the person you have a connection with has the power to hurt you like nobody else. Oh my god. So if your perspective, let's say you're a woman, and you perceive all men as they're gonna hurt you, they're gonna do you wrong, right? They're gonna lie, they're gonna cheat, they can't be trusted. So now, I'm faced with guy A, who is Mr. Perfect. He does everything right, and I have an amazing connection with him. He pours into me love, support, everything. And, and there's a connection there. But then I have guy B, where it's not a connection there, but over here, I feel like I have one more value, alright?

• 27:54Stephan Speaks?

  Because with perfect guy, I'm looking at him like, this amazing man, how do I even deserve this? A lot of women have a struggle of feel like they truly deserve this man, or that they are truly good enough for this man, alright? They may not all verbalize it, but behind closed doors, that is a struggle for a lot of women. Also, it's the, the, the situation where again, if you view men as they're gonna hurt you, the guy, guy B, who's not good for you, is showing you the not good from the jump. So you know what's coming, alright? It's easier to deal with that than the perfect guy, and I say perfect in the sense of, he's just an amazing guy. Then that guy we have a connection with, where it's almost like you're waiting for the pin to drop, and it still hasn't come yet. What the hell's going on here? It's too good to be true.

• 28:38Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah, and you're waiting to get hit. There was literally an episode on Divorce Court one time, where this woman, she leaves this man, they asked the woman, "Why did you leave this man?", what was the situation? She said, "He was perfect. He cooked, he cleaned, he was my best friend, he was an amazing partner." They said, "So why did you leave him?", verbatim, this is what she said, "I was just waiting for him to turn around and hit me." Now, everyone in the audience, and even the judge, didn't understand what was going on there. "Oh, you're just ridiculous, you're a horrible woman." No, what she's saying is, she is so conditioned to men, being dysfunctional, hurtful, lying, cheating, whatever, that she could not believe that this man was this good.

• 29:22Stephan Speaks?

  And so now, the fear of something has to happen drives you crazy. Good goodness. And so, so now what will happen is- Is this a non-healed woman? Absolutely. So you will either run, or you will try to sabotage, because you've got to make something bad stick out. You gotta validate your fear.

• 29:42Lewis Howes?

  Cause you may not like it, but that's normal.

• 29:44Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 29:44Lewis Howes?

  It becomes normal for you.

• 29:45Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 29:46Lewis Howes?

  Whatever is not normal is unfamiliar and scary.

• 29:49Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 29:49Lewis Howes?

  Even if it's good for you.

• 29:50Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 29:51Lewis Howes?

  Even if it's peaceful and loving. You've never had it, it's unfamiliar, so you're like, what's wrong?

• 29:56Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly, and when the hell is something wrong gonna happen? Something wrong has to happen, that's what I've been trained to believe. So now I can't take this insanity of waiting. Oh my gosh. That's what happens to a lot of people. A lot of people, and I'm telling you, that's why, and let me give you another angle.

• 30:15Lewis Howes?

  Give it to me.

• 30:16Stephan Speaks?

  So I've had a lot of clients, women clients, who have used the term, "I felt like I was losing myself", when dealing with a man that they had a connection with, alright?

• 30:28Lewis Howes?

  They, really?

• 30:29Stephan Speaks?

  Yes, so here's the problem. If that woman has been hurt, alright, in all these situations, she has been hurt, she has experienced some level of damage and trauma. She now becomes guarded, alright? That guardedness is her shield, it is her protection in her eyes, alright? But it also allows her to not be fully vulnerable, okay? So now she's operating under the, in this, under this shell, behind these walls. The man she has a connection with forces you to come out of that. So now you feel like you're losing yourself, but you're not losing yourself. You're losing who you've conditioned yourself to believe you are.

• 31:06Lewis Howes?

  My goodness.

• 31:07Stephan Speaks?

  Out of the need for protection. Even though it wasn't really protecting you, it was hurting you even more the whole time. Alright, so now.

• 31:15Lewis Howes?

  You're losing that ego part of yourself.

• 31:17Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 31:17Lewis Howes?

  The masks.

• 31:18Stephan Speaks?

  And the safety of the garden, the safety of the walls. You, you're not allowed to have those walls in a relationship that you have a connection. It demands greater of you, but the dysfunctional guy, the no good guy, the loser, does not demand that of you. So you can continue to operate behind your walls, giving three quarters, half of your heart, alright, and validate it because you're with a guy who's beneath you, so to speak. Who you're not really in love with.

• 31:45Lewis Howes?

  You're more in control of the situation.

• 31:47Stephan Speaks?

  You have emotional control with this guy. You feel like your emotions are all over the damn place with the other guy. And you can't deal with that. It's nerve wracking.

• 31:58Lewis Howes?

  Why is it so hard for women to deal with that? To deal with the full expression of their emotions, vulnerability?

• 32:05Stephan Speaks?

  Because I believe it's because women as they grow up, they're much more emotionally giving of themselves. So because of that, even when they get into relationships, that first relationship where she fell in love or thought she was in love, she really gave herself. See, as men, we don't always fully give ourselves. That situation where we do that is a lot more rare. We have to feel like this is the one, alright? Whereas a woman, if she feel like I can be with this guy, I wanna be with this guy, she gives of herself. And since this tends to happen typically at a young age, high school, early college, at a time where men at that age are boys

• 32:49Stephan Speaks?

  and don't know how to handle a woman's love, emotions, and the commitment that's required in that relationship, it is more than likely he's going to hurt her. Whether it's completely his fault, whether it's also her doing some things, because it's not only the man that does wrong, it's the woman too. But the point is, they're both young. They both have not learned how to be mature and master their emotions. And so she's gonna typically get hurt. And now, from that point, she says, "I will never let that happen to me again." The wall comes up. Now she's guarded. Now she's trying to manage her vulnerability. When she was younger, she wasn't fully managing it. If anything, when women are younger, it's other people trying to pull them back. "Don't be so into it. You can't be all into the guy. Relax."

• 33:33Lewis Howes?

  It's true.

• 33:33Stephan Speaks?

  But she wants to just give.

• 33:34Lewis Howes?

  Act like you don't care.

• 33:35Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. Yeah, act like you don't care. All this game playing. But once she gets older, nah, now it's okay. I'm not going that far.

• 33:44Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 33:44Stephan Speaks?

  But the problem is, that works well with the no good guy that shoots you in the foot with the guy you have a connection with, or that's the really good guy for you. And so it's a horrible negative cycle, but again, lack of healing. Hey, listen, the same thing can happen to a man, but here's the difference.

• 34:03Stephan Speaks?

  Men, let's say when he's younger, thinks he falls in love, gives his heart to a girl, she crushes it. And he can't go on a vengeful, F these women, F life, I don't care anymore, I'm gonna do whatever I want, right? But then, if he meets an amazing woman, there's a greater chance of him being willing to embrace that she's an amazing woman and give it another chance.

• 34:25Lewis Howes?

  Why?

• 34:26Stephan Speaks?

  Because he has not been conditioned to believe that all women are horrible.

• 34:31Lewis Howes?

  Why are women conditioned this way?

• 34:33Stephan Speaks?

  Because they're getting stories from their mothers, their aunts, their sisters, their friends, society, TV, all saying, "Men bad, men bad, men bad, men do wrong." The only place they can see a, a, a story of love is Disney, and not even Disney anymore, maybe, I don't know, but, you know, it, it, that, that fairy tale doesn't exist, alright? Men are not, it's not pushed as much on men. Are there some men who have been pushed to the edge of believing all women are bad? Yes, and those men act horribly, and those men will reject that amazing woman when she comes his way. But a lot of men still have hope.

• 35:13Stephan Speaks?

  A lot of women, they're, they don't have hope, they're just trying to work with it, alright? So that's what makes a huge difference, so when the good amazing woman comes his way, he has a reason to think, "Maybe this could really be it." When the good amazing man comes her, her way, it's, "Nah, this can't be real." Because that doesn't exist, men like this don't exist, how could this be happening right now?

• 35:39Lewis Howes?

  And if you convince yourself that enough, you'll find something wrong with the person, whether they did something wrong or not.

• 35:44Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly, you will create, listen, I hate to say this, but this is true. Some women, and I say some, will create false narratives. They will create stories that don't actually exist. Because they need something, and this even happens when it comes to dating, I, I have a video about, "You will always be the bad guy." And what I tell men is that, if you don't, there are a lot of women out there, that if you don't give them what they wanted ultimately, whatever it was. They're gonna at some point view you as the bad guy.

• 36:14Lewis Howes?

  What does that usually be? If you didn't give me a ring, if you didn't do this for me.

• 36:17Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah, so let's say for example, you met a woman. She deep inside wanted a real committed relationship. And you never gave that to her. And let's just say you weren't even lying to her. You were telling her, I really don't really want a relationship. But she was going along with it, hoping she would get that. She doesn't get that. To you, to her now, she can't view you in a positive light. Because in order for her to break free from this and suppress her emotions, she has to view you as the bad guy. She has to create a negative narrative about you. That's the only way to make it easier for her. Now again, I stress, this isn't, this isn't all women. But this happens with a lot of women. And so now what happens is.

• 36:54Lewis Howes?

  It's just why every

• 36:58Lewis Howes?

  almost, I think maybe all but like one of my past relationships made me out to be a bad person when I didn't give them what they wanted.

• 37:04Stephan Speaks?

  Absolutely.

• 37:05Lewis Howes?

  And said that, even if I didn't do anything bad or wrong or a guy of integrity, but it just didn't work out. Then it was like, okay, they never wanted to speak to me again. I was the worst person in the world. They couldn't be my friend. They talked bad about me, whatever. I was like, just because I didn't give you what you want, we want different things.

• 37:22Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 37:23Lewis Howes?

  But now I'm this horrible human being?

• 37:25Stephan Speaks?

  Yes. Because if they, if they believe in good Louis, that makes it a struggle for them to accept not being with Louis.

• 37:33Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 37:34Stephan Speaks?

  That makes it a struggle for them to accept how the situation didn't go the way they wanted. They have to project something negative onto you.

• 37:41Lewis Howes?

  Because if I, at the end of the day, the relationship didn't work out, what is it, what are they saying to themselves? That I wasn't good enough for him? Or something has to be wrong with him so that I feel like I'm good enough?

• 37:54Stephan Speaks?

  So there's a part of them, so I was just, I wasn't watching the movie. It was, the movie was on TV. And there was a scene that popped up where this girl said this guy just broke up with her, right? And all the girls on the table was like, oh, he, he's just afraid of his emotions. He's this, he's that. Then this one person at the table, who was actually a guy disguised as a woman, said, are y'all blind? He just wants his space, he doesn't want to be with you. They all got silent and looked at him. And he said, oh no, it's his emotions. Like he had to change the narrative. So what it shows you is that. There's a part of that woman who does think, damn, is it me? Am I not good enough? What's wrong with me? In order to fight that, she has to now come with the other side.

• 38:36Stephan Speaks?

  No, it's him. He has the issues. He's wrong. That's the way to fight that. Now, in my opinion, you, you, we have to learn, and I, and I would encourage people, listen, you can, it cannot be about you and they're not a bad guy. You see what I'm saying? Like, it doesn't have to be either or. We can understand that we just weren't the right match.

• 38:54Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 38:54Stephan Speaks?

  We weren't the right fit.

• 38:55Lewis Howes?

  That's it.

• 38:56Stephan Speaks?

  That's all it is to it. It doesn't mean you're not good enough as a woman. You can be an amazing, great woman.

• 39:01Lewis Howes?

  But we weren't the right match.

• 39:02Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly.

• 39:02Lewis Howes?

  We didn't have the connection.

• 39:03Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. She wasn't for you, you weren't for her. That's it. If we can learn to accept that, we don't have to hold on to any negative narrative about the person.

• 39:11Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 39:12Stephan Speaks?

  But guess what? Again, and I, I would, I, I have to say, there are men who do this too.

• 39:16Lewis Howes?

  Sure, of course.

• 39:17Stephan Speaks?

  It's the same way, like, when a man, some man will try to approach the woman, she rejects him and immediately, oh, you be, you this, you, you know, she go, he goes off on her. Because now I have to make you into a bad person because you didn't give me what I wanted.

• 39:28Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 39:29Stephan Speaks?

  Because it makes it easier for me to accept the outcome of this.

• 39:33Lewis Howes?

  It's funny you're saying this. There's something you mentioned earlier about how when a good man shows up, sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes a woman says, like, this is too good to be true, or when something bad gonna happen. I remember I was in a relationship about a decade ago, and it was nine to 10 years ago. The relationship was going amazing for the first three, four, maybe five months. I mean, it was like, I felt connection, chemistry, compatibility. Um, I felt all those things. Whether I had them or not is irrelevant. But there was one night that she thought I was doing something wrong that I wasn't doing.

• 40:14Lewis Howes?

  She made something up, was so convinced that I did something that I didn't do. No matter what I said to say, like, hey, I'm not doing this, it's like she couldn't believe it. She had to hold on to this belief of like, that I did this thing wrong. We go through, I'm just kinda like, what is happening now? She's angry, passive aggressive, not speaking to me for like 24 hours. I'm like, what just happened? I have no clue what happened. We were, one moment, everything was fine, we're happy, connecting. The next moment, it was like she flipped and was like pushing me away and blaming me for something I didn't do. And the next day, I'm like, what is going on? Like, after we finally talked, what is going on? She goes, "To be honest..."

• 40:57Lewis Howes?

  This was probably like a big red flag that I should have noticed right away. She said, "To be honest, I didn't feel like I would meet someone like you at this stage in my life." You see? She was like 26, 27, and I think I was like 29. And she goes, "I didn't think I'd meet someone like you at this stage. I thought I'd meet you like after I was 30." And I was like, what does that even mean? I wasn't even aware of that. But really, what I'm hearing now is like, I didn't even know this was possible, you know? And- It's way more common than anything. Or if I was ready for someone who was like healthier version. Because she had a lot of stuff that she hadn't healed yet from stuff, I won't get into it.

• 41:38Lewis Howes?

  But, and I don't think she was ready for love and someone who was just like, "I'm here to love you. I'm here to like be support, I'm a good guy, I'm here to show up, I'm patient, I'm present, I'm like, we have fun, all these things." And I think after like three, four months of that, she was like, "Wait a minute, like, this can't be real." I was like, "What are you talking about? Just embrace it, like, let's just do this thing." And it ended up being another six, seven months of like up and down, chaos, stress, love, resistance. To eventually where it just kinda drove me mad, where I was like, "I can't do this anymore." You know, we had this thing, and then you weren't willing to like continue on with it? And now, now I'm trying to stay in this thing longer and make it work, and it's not working? And it ended up not working, so.

• 42:24Lewis Howes?

  Why is that so? I mean, is that people, women, under thirties, over thirties? Is that all ages? Is that what is that?

• 42:31Stephan Speaks?

  No, I think it, it, it just depends on the, the experience of the woman, what she's been through. Uh, the household she's been brought up in, if she's been hurt before. Because, you know, granted, I, I do, if I'm gonna be honest, I do think that as the woman gets older, the chances of her having these issues or, or struggles becomes greater because she's been through more. She's chances are, you know, you're past thirty, you may have been through a couple of relationships. You may have been through a few men that you really liked and now that hurts you. Whereas if you're twenty-two, twenty-three, there's less of a chance. You see, it can still happen, but there's just less of a chance. So that's the, that's the, what can change there, you know? But I have to say, man, it's so much more common than people realize.

• 43:15Stephan Speaks?

  I have so many stories from men clients and even friends and associates who've all experienced this, that all of a sudden, the woman saying, "I, I can't do this." Like, everything going perfect and saying things like, "You're too perfect." Saying things like, like you said, "I didn't think I was gonna meet you right now." I had a client who went through a whole long scenario, uh, with a woman, and she said that to him. She said, "I did not expect to meet you at this point in my life."

• 43:42Lewis Howes?

  Then why are you with this person? Why are you dating this person?

• 43:45Stephan Speaks?

  Because again, it's, it's, she came into it saying, "Good-looking guy, I like this guy." She didn't know she was gonna feel this way. She didn't know it was gonna be like this. She, and she thought you'd probably be like any other guy who was gonna, you know, do stupid stuff and piss her off. But the more and more you show that you are an amazing man, it's like, wait, hold up, what's going on here?

• 44:04Lewis Howes?

  Why even go on dates if you're not looking for that connection? If you're not looking for that greatest version of someone that you could partner with?

• 44:11Stephan Speaks?

  Because again, people, a lot of people don't even believe it exists. A lot of people are not aware of it. And, and a lot of people just want companionship. And to, to, to rationalize to yourself that I should only entertain them, uh, if I can find a connection, can be discouraging because you feel like, dang, connection is hard as hell to find. So if, if that's the only purpose of me going out, then it becomes more stressful. I just wanna go out and have fun. I just wanna enjoy myself. And that's normal, I think, for both sides. We just wanna, we wanna enjoy life, we wanna meet people. It doesn't mean they don't deep inside want that. But again, I would argue that depending on where they are and, and what they understand, they're, they're...

• 44:53Stephan Speaks?

  Emotional awareness, um, they may not truly be ready for that. You know, and if you haven't healed, chances are you're not ready for it.

• 45:01Lewis Howes?

  Let's talk about expectations. What type of expectations does someone have going into relationship of their partner? Should they have the highest level of expectations? Should they have low expectations? What should we have?

• 45:16Stephan Speaks?

  So I, I don't believe in expectations at all.

• 45:20Lewis Howes?

  Having them?

• 45:21Stephan Speaks?

  Having them at all, I, cause I believe expectation kills, uh, appreciation. All right? So I don't expect, and maybe I'm, I'm being, maybe this is semantics, but I don't expect. I simply set the standard of what I desire and you either meet the standard or you don't. You see what I'm saying?

• 45:39Lewis Howes?

  So how's that look?

• 45:40Stephan Speaks?

  If you meet the standard, I appreciate your efforts.

• 45:43Lewis Howes?

  So how would that, that conversation look like?

• 45:46Stephan Speaks?

  It's just simply expressing what we need, like I'm a believer in, we gotta learn to get things on the table quickly. So what, I'm gonna ask that person, what do you need in the relationship? What's gonna make you happy? What are you hoping to receive from me? All right? And granted, again, it could be semantics, maybe we could call that still expectations, right? But to me, it's about the mindset of it.

• 46:09Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 46:09Stephan Speaks?

  All right? When it's, when it's viewed as an expectation is where you're supposed to do this. And when you're supposed to do this, why would I appreciate what you're supposed to do? Why would I give you credit for what you're supposed to do? I will not. But when it's something that I, I desire and you're willing to fulfill that, I can appreciate that. I gave you my needs and you met them. You see? So the mindset is different. And that's why I don't like to look at it as expectations and don't think anyone should. It's just, this is what I need and I'm gonna ask you, what do you need from me? And if, as I'm willing to fulfill your, if those desires I am willing to fulfill, then you will have that. But I still expect appreciation in return. And when you don't show me you appreciate it, that's a problem.

• 46:53Lewis Howes?

  What happens if you, if someone says, well, here's all my desires. I want this, this, this, this, and this, and a list goes on and on and on. And you can't fulfill those desires.

• 47:01Stephan Speaks?

  We're not a good match. We're not a good fit. We have to accept that early on. There's no reason to, to uh, move forward. Perfect example. I'm, I'm someone who doesn't mind paying, but I don't like planning. Okay? So I'm not a planner. I don't plan my own events. I don't plan a lot of things. So planning trips, I'm not saying I could never, would never do it. But I'm not a planner. But I'll pay. So if I met a woman, she wants to go somewhere, hey, take, plan it, schedule it. Here's my car.

• 47:30Lewis Howes?

  But the flights, do everything, all the details.

• 47:33Stephan Speaks?

  Boom, done. Now, if a woman says to me, listen, I don't like that. You need to plan the trips. We're not a good fit. I'm sorry. Cause I, I know that's not something that I'm okay with, that I, I, that I excel in. None of that. And, and it may seem small. And that's the thing, people have to stop trying to minimize certain issues or certain things that we don't like or that don't connect with us. I know I'm not a planner. And there's nothing wrong with that. I, that's why I get other people to do that aspect. And I take care of the rest. I'm a doer. I can do things, but I don't plan. So if we can't embrace those differences, why are we forcing the issue? And the reality is that there's a woman who would love nothing but to plan if I'm gonna take care of it.

• 48:16Stephan Speaks?

  So why do I need to fight with you about this? That makes no sense.

• 48:20Lewis Howes?

  What if, what if ninety percent of everything else, you can meet and agree on, but ten percent is like, ah, I don't like these things.

• 48:27Stephan Speaks?

  That ten percent can become a huge deal that dominoes into other issues. So let's, let's use a different example. Uh, I'm introverted, they're introverted. I prefer balance. I like, I think balance should be the main focus of a relationship. We don't want to have too much of one thing, so to speak, a lot of times, depending on what it is. So if we're both introverted, I know for me, that's not a good thing in the long run. Can I deal with that? And that's the other thing. It's not about what you can deal with today. Or next year, can you deal with it five years from now, 10 years from now? That's the question you have to ask yourself. Cause again, the goal should not be a temporary relationship. My goal is long term, alright?

• 49:09Stephan Speaks?

  I know that both of us being too introverted is going to be a way down on the relationship in years later, alright? So I'm not gonna do that. Alright, I, I, we, I know from the jump, I need some balance there. So that may seem like, well, that's not a big deal. It's only 10%, but that's a huge 10%. If you know you can't deal with it. If, if, let's say something sexual. Let's say there's a sexual act that you like, let, let's just be real. Let's say it's oral sex, alright? And let's say as the woman, you love oral sex, or the man. And your partner's like, hell no, no oral sex, not happening. But everything about them is amazing.

• 49:49Stephan Speaks?

  If you know this is a desire strong enough that will make you either become irritated with your partner or seek to get that desire fulfilled elsewhere. It's a deal breaker. Why force it? It may seem small, but it's, it's small enough to become, but it's, or it's big enough to become a bigger issue later.

• 50:10Lewis Howes?

  What about in some religious instances that might say, you know what? Just suppress those desires, like those aren't desires that need to be fulfilled, like focus on these things. Focus on, you know, the connection and other stuff. But don't focus on those desires. Suppress them. They're not healthy, they're not good for you. They're addictive personalities. What would you say to something like that?

• 50:32Stephan Speaks?

  I would say number one, do not suppress, you need to resolve, alright? And you need to resolve before you move forward.

• 50:38Lewis Howes?

  What does that mean, resolve?

• 50:39Stephan Speaks?

  Resolve, okay. So let's say for example, you're a man and you love watching porn, alright? And like you said, religiously, they're saying, don't do it. And even your partner says, I don't like you watching all this porn, alright? If you now get with her trying to suppress, but you have not resolved your desire for porn. It's gonna come back to haunt you. And when it does, it's gonna hit even harder. It's gonna cause a bigger problem. So what you need to do is tackle that issue first. Resolve it, get to the root of it. Why do I need to watch this porn? Which, let me just say, I think men should not watch it. It's poison, but that's a whole other discussion, alright?

• 51:20Stephan Speaks?

  You know, I definitely think it'd be beneficial for people to at least minimize it, alright? But I know there's a lot of different perspectives on that. That's just my personal opinion. But anyways, um, it would be best to resolve and address that first, alright? And then you can walk into your marriage or relationship with that not being an issue. Because let me also say this, the mistake a lot of people make is they think, "I'll fix this when I meet the right one." No, you won't. You'll develop a habit and you will bring that habit into your marriage.

• 51:52Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, addiction, a lot of addiction is unresolved healing.

• 51:56Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly.

• 51:56Lewis Howes?

  You're addicted to something because there's a pain that you haven't resolved yet. You haven't healed, which is go back to healing, which might resolve that addiction or habit that may not be as healthy.

• 52:07Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly.

• 52:08Lewis Howes?

  As you needed to be.

• 52:09Stephan Speaks?

  Or like, let's say you watch porn whenever you get stressed. So porn has become your stress reliever. So it's not you're not capable of not watching porn. You have to learn how to now use a different method of relieving your stress. You have to now understa- you have to break your attachment to this thing. That's the thing, a lot of times we're just attached. Hell, it could be as simple as coffee. At one point, I was attached to coffee. I could not stop drinking it.

• 52:35Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 52:35Stephan Speaks?

  And I thought, "I can't go without coffee." Nah, I don't drink coffee anymore. Because I recognized the, the downfall it had, and I don't want to be attached to anything like that. Anything that can have that much power over you is a problem. So it had, for me, it was a personal decision to resolve. It wasn't a relationship issue or anything like that. But the point is, we, we sometimes look at these things and try to validate it as, "Well, it's just coffee, it's just porn, it's no big deal." But it can become a big deal in various ways.

• 53:05Lewis Howes?

  So, here's a question that a lot of women might ask you. Devon, you're not in a relationship.

• 53:14Lewis Howes?

  This all sounds great in theory. This all sounds great when there's no stress and you're not, you're not, you don't feel love and connection and years of a relationship and children and sharing money together and the messiness of a relationship. It's nice for you to say these things from the sidelines and peace and calm and, you know, analyzing this. Why should we trust and respect your opinion? When you're not in a, a long-term committed relationship?

• 53:43Stephan Speaks?

  Okay.

• 53:44Lewis Howes?

  What, for the women leaving comments like that, how would you respond?

• 53:47Stephan Speaks?

  So, number one, being in a relationship does not determine the wisdom or knowledge of relationships, alright? Cause if it did, then more people who are in one could give you wise counsel and they cannot, alright? So.

• 54:00Lewis Howes?

  It's kinda, it's kinda like great basketball, football coaches. A lot of them weren't great players, you know, it's like they can coach, but they weren't a player.

• 54:08Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly, because we have to understand that at the, at the foundation of relationships is understanding men and women. And how the two can coexist in a romantic, committed, long-term environment, alright? So, you have to understand people first. A lot of people don't know how to make a relationship work, cause they don't understand people, they don't understand men, women, or they don't understand their woman and their man, alright? So, we'll start there. Number two, um, I, I don't, I don't require or expect anyone to listen to me. I always tell people, pray about it, trust your intuition. If this resonates with you, take it, or take what resonates and leave what doesn't. I have to speak the truth that needs to be spoken.

• 54:51Stephan Speaks?

  I have to walk in what I know is my purpose, alright? Whether you connect with that or see that, that's on you. I'm not here to convince anyone, alright? I will say that, I don't think I could have gotten this far unless what I was saying had truth to it. You know, I don't think I could be this successful without being able to have helped, or the fact that I have helped so many people is why I've gotten to this point. But, I think for the individual, also understanding that I'm practicing what I preach, whether you realize it or not. Because.

• 55:21Lewis Howes?

  You're not, you're not in an unhealthy relationship.

• 55:23Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly.

• 55:24Lewis Howes?

  You're waiting.

• 55:24Stephan Speaks?

  I'm waiting and I'm waiting for the connection. I'm waiting to make sure that it's going to be in alignment with my purpose. I'm making sure that I'm preparing along the way. I'm still learning, growing, getting better. I'm doing the things I tell everybody else to do. So I'm not, I'm not going against my message. It's just that we have to understand. Relationship isn't, oh, well, you, you, you have a certain amount of knowledge. Relationship tomorrow. I can have it tomorrow. I can have it tonight if I want it. But the point is not to just get in a relationship, it's to be in the right one. And for me, more importantly, the one that God wants me to be in. And that requires patience, process. You know what I'm saying? A- a- a- and, and just a willingness to sacrifice in the meantime.

• 56:08Stephan Speaks?

  You know, it ain't easy, but you gotta do it if you want what's best. And, and the reality is that that's, that's how it goes in, in most, uh, aspects of life when you wanna be successful. There's a patience, there's a process, you know, and there's a sacrifice. If it's you getting in shape. Your body doesn't become what you want it to be tomorrow. Trust me, I know, I've been at it for a while. Okay, I'm still working. If you wanna be successful, there, most successful pe- people have a period of struggle. All right, people just don't see the struggle. All right, but those individuals who think you just ju- because you're this person, you're supposed to have a relationship, but you're supposed to have success. No, there's work that is required. Absolutely. So to me, you know, I, I believe that I'm, I'm practicing what I preach.

• 56:51Stephan Speaks?

  I'm consistent with my message, you know, it's just that, yeah, the, the, it hasn't materialized into a relationship yet. And I, and the last point I'll make is this, I do feel that I'm held to a higher standard. Right. Reason being is because if I'm going to be a speaker in this area, I cannot come with some happy relationship. I cannot come with something that does not represent the message, that does not glorify God, that does not inspire people. All right, I do not wanna be another relationship that makes you feel like there are no good relationships, or all this is phony. I want this to be not just real and genuine in me saying it. I want you to feel the energy and spirit of my relationship when I'm in it.

• 57:33Stephan Speaks?

  So, that kind of standard is gonna require a lot more work to get. Right. Because I always say, most relationships start because people overlook the red flags.

• 57:45Lewis Howes?

  I can't overlook a red flag.

• 57:47Stephan Speaks?

  So it's gonna take a longer.

• 57:48Lewis Howes?

  A lot more picky and choosy.

• 57:49Stephan Speaks?

  Yes, yes.

• 57:51Lewis Howes?

  Wow. I've got a couple of final questions for you. This has been powerful, but I want people to get one of your most popular books, Love After Heartbreak. They can get it at, where can they go to get that book?

• 58:02Stephan Speaks?

  Stephonspeaksshop.com, or they can go on Amazon, iTunes, and it will soon be available on Audible as well.

• 58:09Lewis Howes?

  Ooh, you're gonna read it?

• 58:10Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah.

• 58:10Lewis Howes?

  Ooh, alright. Stephonspeaksshop.com. Love After Heartbreak. You've got a bunch of books. A lot of books about relationships on different stages of relationships that you're in.

• 58:19Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 58:20Lewis Howes?

  So whatever you're going through, go to Stephonspeaksshop.com. Check out that book if you have gone through a heartache, heartbreak, you're single, trying to find the next person.

• 58:31Stephan Speaks?

  Or even if you don't think you have anything to heal from, go read it because you probably still do have something to heal from.

• 58:35Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it's true. And this one's all about how to heal. You talk more about the process of healing, the steps.

• 58:41Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. And healing from anything, not just relationship hurt, parents, anything from our childhood, family members, friends, any kind of hurt.

• 58:49Lewis Howes?

  Yes. Make sure you guys go check that out. Also, you're on YouTube. Stephan Speaks on YouTube, awesome YouTube channel. Facebook, she's got a massive Instagram, massive channel on all these places. Check you out over there. Three final questions. One is, what are a few ways to know that your partner truly loves you?

• 59:13Stephan Speaks?

  Alright, so. Way number one is to evaluate if you truly love them. Because I find that people are so busy trying to analyze the other person and not looking at themselves in the mirror. And so if you are not truly in love with your partner, they're not truly in love with you. True love is a two-way experience, not one way. So if you know, for example, you're only with him because he treats you better than the rest, but you're not, no, it's not really there, alright, then trust and believe he's not in love with you, alright? Same way if you're a man and you're only with her because she, the family likes her, she's beautiful, she's all these great things,

• 59:56Stephan Speaks?

  but it's not really there, then she's not in love with you. It it it doesn't work that way. So if you want to figure out there's real love, figure out that real love exists within you first.

• 1:00:07Lewis Howes?

  If you love that person.

• 1:00:08Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. And then you and and and when you can say your love is real, then yes, I do believe that you will then be able to discover that their love is real as well. But understand this. Love can be real. But again, a lack of healing and fear can get in the way.

• 1:00:25Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely.

• 1:00:26Stephan Speaks?

  And so there are people who truly loved you and ran from you.

• 1:00:30Lewis Howes?

  Love is not enough.

• 1:00:31Stephan Speaks?

  Love is not enough.

• 1:00:32Lewis Howes?

  That is something where a lot of people say love is all you need. Love is not all you need. You need someone who's not gonna scream at you. You need someone who is going to work on themselves and heal. You need someone who's willing to both meet each other's needs. Like, a lot of things need to happen for it to be enough.

• 1:00:51Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:52Lewis Howes?

  Because love is not enough. Is that right?

• 1:00:54Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 1:00:56Lewis Howes?

  So you gotta ask yourself if your love is real for that person first to know if they truly love you.

• 1:01:01Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 1:01:02Lewis Howes?

  What else would you say there?

• 1:01:03Stephan Speaks?

  Second thing is, are they willing to embrace all your needs and desires? Um, and I and I think needs, of course, come first. Um, and then desires are second. You know, but I do think that when we really love each other, we're willing to embrace those things. And again, that's why it's important to understand it's a two-way thing. Because why are you worrying about them being willing to embrace your needs and desires if you're not doing that for them? You have to start with you. So you have to start with, okay, am I willing to meet all of their needs and desires? I can check that box, okay, now what are they doing for me? And if they cannot check their box, now we say this isn't gonna work.

• 1:01:44Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 1:01:45Stephan Speaks?

  All right? But you've gotta look at yourself first because too many people are saying, well, they won't do this, they won't do that. But yeah, but there's things you aren't doing for them.

• 1:01:51Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:01:52Stephan Speaks?

  And that's not right.

• 1:01:53Lewis Howes?

  Right, and you might not be the right match. It doesn't mean you're bad or wrong.

• 1:01:56Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly.

• 1:01:57Lewis Howes?

  Just not the good fit for each other.

• 1:01:58Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly.

• 1:01:59Lewis Howes?

  Okay, third thing?

• 1:02:01Stephan Speaks?

  A third thing to tell if they really love, if this person really loves you, is they can be open and vulnerable with you. I think at the end of the day, anyone who's truly in love with someone is at least willing to try to be more open and vulnerable. Or at least has moments. And that's the thing, I think that that's the difference between the healed lover and the unhealed lover. The healed lover can be consistent in their vulnerability and their openness. The unhealed lover has these moments of vulnerability, but then they keep pulling back. Alright, because it's like the moment scared them. It's like, how the hell did I get here? How did they get me to be so, oh, no, this is, I'm not comfortable here. Let me retreat. You see, so it's this back and forth, push and pull that happens a lot of times

• 1:02:46Stephan Speaks?

  with the unhealed person who can love you, but they're so scared and that throws everything off.

• 1:02:51Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely. Lots to unpack here.

• 1:02:57Lewis Howes?

  So many good notes that I've got taken. Feel free to put your biggest takeaway in the comments below over on YouTube. Make sure to follow Stefan. I got two final questions for you. Before I ask the final two questions, I want to acknowledge you, my man, for always showing up. I think I've had you on, what, three or four times now? Every time, every time, there's always something new and there's always something that is reminded, because I feel like we constantly need reminders, even when we learn something one time. We need accountability and repetition of this thing for many, many years for the rest of our life. Fitness, nutrition, spirituality, love, connection, business. We need accountability and reminders. So I appreciate you for showing up constantly as a reminder

• 1:03:42Lewis Howes?

  for all of us listening and watching. And I appreciate you for constantly diving in and doing the healing work. I know you're gonna write the letter. And being what you talk about. You know, showing up as what you're coaching other people. So I acknowledge you for all that, my man, I appreciate you. This is called the three truths. You've answered this before. If people want to hear this question, they can go back and listen to the other version that you shared, so I won't share what you said before. But if you had to share three final things on the last day of your life, and this is all people would have to remember your lessons by, the three lessons you would leave the world, and all of your content would have to go with you besides these three things. I call the three truths.

• 1:04:24Stephan Speaks?

  Okay.

• 1:04:25Lewis Howes?

  What would be your three truths that you would leave behind?

• 1:04:27Stephan Speaks?

  All right. Truth number one would be heal. And under that healing umbrella would be don't take things personally. You know, don't internalize people's actions. Always embrace forgiveness. Because again, that healing has has thrown people's lives off in so many ways. There are so many people who did not live the life they deserved. Who were not able to be in the relationship that they deserved. Who did not even walk in the purpose of career that was for them. All because of a lack of healing. And so, and some people unfortunately go to the grave with that lack of healing. And so, it's it's such a huge part of life. And so, healing has to always be, you know, the first truth I would share.

• 1:05:07Lewis Howes?

  Heal.

• 1:05:08Stephan Speaks?

  Heal. The second thing would be find yourself and your purpose as early as possible. And I say as early as possible because I think that society has created this this mindset of you're young, you have time. You you'll figure it out later, you know? And later becomes later and even later and then later. And then what happens is you dig yourself this deep hole of where you don't belong. That it becomes hard to pull yourself out. All right? So if it's career, you may have spent the last 10 years trying to be a doctor. But your life's calling was to be a teacher. And now it's so hard to walk away from the degree, from the from all that you poured into being a doctor to now become a teacher.

• 1:05:53Stephan Speaks?

  And that alone has derailed your life and taken you off of your true path. So the quicker that we can find ourselves in our purpose and embrace that, the better life we can live. The more we can walk on the path that is for us. And to me, everything else falls into place from there. You see what I'm saying? Peace, happiness, love comes when we find ourselves and we find our purpose. All right?

• 1:06:15Lewis Howes?

  Number three?

• 1:06:16Stephan Speaks?

  Number three. I'm drawing a blank, but I'm gonna give you a number three. Number three, so we said healing, we said find yourself, find your purpose.

• 1:06:28Stephan Speaks?

  I guess I would just say, love without holding back. You know, I think that

• 1:06:36Stephan Speaks?

  holding back in life is no way to live. You know, and, and fighting vulnerability, like, we gotta learn how to dive into vulnerability, and it doesn't mean no one's ever gonna hurt us. But we take it for what it is, because hurt is an inevitable part of life. We cannot escape that. And, and the crazy part is, you fight so hard to escape it, you dive deeper into it from a different angle.

• 1:07:01Lewis Howes?

  That's true.

• 1:07:02Stephan Speaks?

  Alright, so you're, you're going against a force you can't escape. So instead of being able to enjoy your life in the process, you have to still deal with being hurt, and you don't get to enjoy your life. You know, it's almost like, would you rather have a million dollars, but you're gonna go broke in a year? Or to just stay broke for the next 10 years? And never have a chance at a million dollars? Just give me the million for the year, at least let me experience it, let me have my, that full experience in life. So I think with love, love to your fullest, and love your family to your fullest, love your partner to your fullest. Just give your whole heart. And again, don't, don't try to stop it from being hurt, learn how to handle the hurt that will come our way.

• 1:07:47Stephan Speaks?

  Learn how to learn from these experiences, you know what I'm saying? Yes, have your safeguard, because I guess there's some instances that can really like throw everything off. But you can be safe and still be vulnerable. And still give with your whole heart.

• 1:08:04Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely.

• 1:08:04Stephan Speaks?

  So I think that would be the third thing, because again, so many people are just not experiencing love and relationships and life at its fullest, because they keep holding back so much.

• 1:08:14Lewis Howes?

  Beautiful truths. If you wanna see what he shared in the previous episode, make sure to check it out. We'll link on that one below of his previous three truths. I think they might surprise you. Final question, what's your definition of greatness?

• 1:08:27Stephan Speaks?

  Living life to your fullest, like really just, and I don't lie, that's preaching to myself because even I've had to work on living life to my fullest, really embracing me. Let me share this real quick, and I think it might be important for some men to hear this. So, especially if you're a believer, I've kind of had struggles where there's this part of me that I've kind of suppressed, the more, I don't want to say just masculine, but it's kind of is, the more assertive, maybe even aggressive in some certain cases, the competitive side of me. Like I was having a struggle the other week, not the other week, I've been having a struggle this year, where I always want more, and I'm like, and I had to question, like, what's wrong with me?

• 1:09:10Stephan Speaks?

  Why do I want more? I'm successful, I'm doing well, what, why do I have to push for higher? But I had to come to terms with the fact that that's how I'm wired, and I can't suppress that. I love competition, I love a challenge, I'm the guy that doesn't believe in retiring. I'm gonna always work for the rest of my life, I gotta do something, because to me, that's living life, you know, and so it's not for the men hearing this to think that they have to be like me, but be who you are, be, tap into your true self, let it out, don't let society tell you that you can't be the man that you are, because I do think that we're living in a world right now that is trying to undermine a lot of men, that are trying to take masculinity off the table.

• 1:09:52Stephan Speaks?

  And it's like, yo, if that's who you are, be it, and I do believe that tapping into that, the same way I believe for women, tapping into their femininity is going to bring a higher quality of life, is going to bring happiness, so to go back to the question of what is greatness, is living life to the fullest and living in your true self. There's nothing better than finding yourself, being it, and not giving a damn what anyone thinks.

• 1:10:17Lewis Howes?

  My man, Stephan speaks. My friend, thank you so much for being here and listening to this episode. If you enjoyed it, make sure to share it, message a few friends, text a few friends, post it on social media, make sure to tag me, Lewis Howes, and Stephan Speaks, as I'd love to see who is listening and who got value out of this. If you got some value. Also leave a review and share your feedback on the review section over on Apple Podcasts. We like to share those in our greatness newsletter to our community every week. We like to share that with people internally and also it helps more people discover this podcast. So if you're a fan, you enjoyed this, you got value from it, leave us a rating and review and click the subscribe button right now over on Apple Podcasts or on Spotify and stay up to

• 1:11:00Lewis Howes?

  date in the latest and greatest from the School of Greatness Podcast. And if you want inspiration sent to your phone every single week, texted from me to you, then text the word PODCAST to 614-350-3960 to get on our special texting community list. And I'll leave you with this quote from author Leo Christopher, who said, "There's only one thing more precious than our time, and that's who we spend it on." Whew, that is deep. Think about your time and the people in your life that you give the most time to. Are they elevating you as well as you elevating them? Are they supporting you on your journey? Are they supporting you on your goals, your dreams? Are they the person that really supports your joy, supports your happiness, that accepts you for where you're at and where you're going?

• 1:11:45Lewis Howes?

  Think about these things, always being and evaluating where you're spending your time and who you're spending your time on. And if you enjoyed this, let me know. Again, over on social media, @lewisHowes, everywhere you can follow and send me a message. I try to get back to as many people as possible. But I want to remind you, if no one's told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter, and you know what time it is, it's time to go out there and do something great.