The 3 Parenting Skills That Shape Future Communicators

If you're a parent, there’s nothing more important than teaching your kids how to communicate — how to handle a "no," how to disagree without disrespect, and how to show kindness even when it’s hard. That’s what this episode is all about. I’m sharing a few key lessons from my own upbringing and how my wife and I are applying them with our two kids today If you're serious about raising kids who can communicate clearly, respectfully, and powerfully — this one's for you. This episode is sponsored by Cozy Earth. Upgrade Your Every Day. Get 40% off at cozyearth.com/jefferson or use code JEFFERSON at check out. Order my new book, The Next Conversation, or listen to the full audiobook today. Also, come meet me on my book tour! Like what you hear? Don’t forget to subscribe and leave a 5-star review! Suggest a topic or ask a question for me to answer on the show! Want a FREE communication tip each week? Click here to join my newsletter. Join My School of Communication Watch my podcast on YouTube Follow me on Instagram Follow me on TikTok Follow me on LinkedIn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

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• 0:29Jefferson Fisher?

  I can remember it like it was yesterday. My dad is in his chair. I think every father has their designated spot in the house. My dad was in his. And I'm in my parents' living room. I'm probably 17. And I am upset. I am disagreeing vocally with a judgment call he had made. I don't remember about what. It might have been how late I could stay out, my curfew, or whether I could or could not go to a friend's house. I don't know. Whatever it was, I was very upset about it. And we had had some back and forth. And he eventually said, no, no, Jefferson, the answer is no. And what did I do at the age of 17? I pushed back again.

• 1:13Jefferson Fisher?

  And this is what he told me. He took a breath and he said, you don't have to like it. I mean, he smiled even doing that. He said, you don't have to like it. You just need to understand it. This episode today is for the parents. If you have any kids, you want to have kids, you're curious on my philosophy on raising children and how to teach them to be better communicators and the lessons that I can pass on through my own family and upbringing, this episode is for you. Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything. If you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication, I'm going to ask you to please follow this podcast. And if you would, leave a review.

• 1:58Jefferson Fisher?

  And I mean it. If you're just watching this, just take a second and click subscribe. It takes no time at all. If you ever want to unsubscribe, no problem. But what it does when you follow Subscribe, leave a heart, leave a review is that it tells the platforms that this is good content. And if you find this to be good content, and if you're listening to it, I really hope that you do that. That would really mean a whole lot to me. If you're wanting to go even further in your communication skills, I have a membership that I, I teach classes monthly. I have two live Q and A calls and a master class that I do in tandem with the University of Texas at Austin. And I, I love it. It's a whole lot of fun. So if you're interested in going further, I want you to check that out. I have

• 2:43Jefferson Fisher?

  an AI. That's a whole lot of fun. And people are getting a whole lot of value out of that. And I also have a newsletter where once a week I send a communication tip right to your inbox. And those are tools that you can use right away. This podcast is sponsored by Cozy Earth. It is one of the most comfortable pieces of clothing I will ever put on. I can't imagine anything more comfortable than that. It is something I wear all the time when I'm traveling. I'm now done with the book tour officially. Finally, I loved it. It was awesome to rely on something that was comfortable whenever I traveled. Now, we really like them here at home for their bed sheets. Their bed sheets are incredible.

• 3:24Jefferson Fisher?

  You can go to cozyearth.com/Jefferson and use the code Jefferson for 40% off cozyearth.com/Jefferson and use the code Jefferson for 40% off. Communicating with our kids. You know, I don't know if there's anything more important than I will do in my life than how I teach my children how to communicate. If you're listening to this podcast, you and I believe in the same thing, and that is your next conversation can truly change everything. Communication is tied to everything, where you want to be, where you don't want to be, what kind of person you will be thought of, and who you will want to be, what kind of

• 4:06Jefferson Fisher?

  legacy are you, are you leaving? And that legacy has a lot to do with your children, the next generation, who is going to come after you. And so this is a very serious topic, one close to my heart. I have two kids. I have a seven year old, a son, and a five year old girl. And they could not be any more polar opposite. I love them more than anything in the world. I'm obsessed with my kids. I'm obsessed with their faces and their smells and just their voice, everything about them. And it is that much more crucial for me in my life, as it is, I know, and I'm sure in yours,

• 4:46Jefferson Fisher?

  that we teach our children, and I mean collectively in society, we teach children how to communicate, how to handle the difficult conversations. This is not an episode that I am giving tools for kids. This is an episode for the parents, parents-to-be, or anybody who is looking to help raise the next generation. And this is what I want to lead off with, and that is, number one, the best thing that's happened to me that influenced so much of my life is that my parents allowed me to disagree. My parents allowed me to not like it. Connection is not, when we used the word connection,

• 5:31Jefferson Fisher?

  there's this tendency to think that it's like this Hallmark card. Everything has to be happy. Everybody has to just be pleasant. That's not it. I can connect with you and still be mad at you. I can connect with you and still be upset and disagree. That's what my dad was doing when he told me, well, you don't got to like it. You just need to understand it. That's connection, right there. He was allowing me the space, the emotions, and said, you don't got to like it. Sometimes, we want our children to be just as happy with the decision we're making as we are. And so, we want to continue to control it. We want to influence their feelings, not just so they understand it,

• 6:16Jefferson Fisher?

  but that they like the decision we're making. And that is, I think, counterintuitive. I think that is ultimately not as healthy as it could be. It is good for children to have different points of view. It is good for them to understand they have a safe space to not like it.

• 6:36Jefferson Fisher?

  It's cool. If I were to say to you in conversation, this is adult to adult, and you're upset with something I'm saying, and this happens to me on the phone, opposing attorney, he doesn't like what I am suggesting, I'll use my same, that same technique. I'll say, well, you don't have to like it. That's okay. You hear how like almost as a relief that is to the other person. If I begin the conversation with, hey, look, you're not going to like what I have to say. Or even when they start to argue with me and I say, look, I don't need to change your mind. I don't need to change your mind. You need to understand this is, this is what I'm doing. You're free to disagree with it. You don't have to like it. There is almost a relief that

• 7:16Jefferson Fisher?

  comes with that. So that's why I have his point. Number one, giving children the space to disagree, which they're going to do naturally, but it's more so giving them the space that it's okay that you don't like it. You just need to understand it. It's okay. You don't have to, you don't have to be happy about it. Don't force them to be happy with a decision or as satisfied with a decision as you are. That'll come later in life because you know that what you're doing from your point of view is the best thing for them. I'm sure my dad made the right call. I was trying to stay out too late, most likely. And he said, no, my dad had this, my parents would say, nothing good happens after midnight. And let me tell you, Lord, ain't that the truth? I thought I want to

• 7:59Jefferson Fisher?

  stay out as late as I could. Ain't nothing good happen after midnight. Go get home. Go get home. I can't even imagine now in my life, when my kids start driving, I'm just going to give them some scooters. I don't even want to see them on the road. It terrifies me. So you want to give them the space. Give them the space to disagree with you. Two, I learned this lesson from my mama. And it is this, where there is room for kindness, use it. My mom was somebody who's very kind. Now, I think I also want to mention, I'm most likely, y'all have listened to, and the first guest that I

• 8:39Jefferson Fisher?

  had on this podcast, I brought my parents on, David and Sherilyn. And they were a hoot. I need to share the bloopers of this one time because they were absolutely hilarious. And my mom would get on to my dad. She'd say, David, Anyway, I learned this lesson from my mom. It does not matter if somebody commits a wrong against you, somebody does you wrong. If somebody says something, there is always a decision by you to choose to use kindness or not. And that is a lesson that I also teach my kids. It does not matter if he took your toy or she took your toy. It does not matter if it is not fair. There is always a room for kindness of how you treat one another.

• 9:24Jefferson Fisher?

  And that was a lesson that she emphasized time and time again. And it would pretty much go like this. I would come home, put my backpack down and she'd ask me about my day. And then I'd get to complaining about something, something that somebody said, did. And instead of taking my side right away, which is probably what I wanted her to do. It's not that she was against me. She would say this question, she would ask me this, she'd say, well, Jefferson, were you kind? If you can hear my mom's voice, it was exactly that. She'd say, well, were you kind? And I'd say, probably not, mama. You know, they've done X, Y, and Z and they can't, you know? And she'd go, well, I still think you should be kind.

• 10:06Jefferson Fisher?

  I mean, that was the, the daily thesis, that, that just the daily motivation dropped from my mother almost every other day, it felt like. And it was such a good framework for me of instead of seeing how I can buy it back against somebody, instead of her going, you know what? They are the worst, Jefferson, you know what? You're right, they, they are so terrible. It's not like she wasn't in my corner. Of course, as a parent, you're going to be in your, in your children's corner. If my daughter says somebody is mean and they've committed a wrong, I mean, my daughter's five. But let's say she came home and said, you know what? Hey, Genevieve is mean.

• 10:51Jefferson Fisher?

  I'd be like, yeah, she is, you tell, she is on my, if she's on your list, she's on my list, girl. It's not that my mom wasn't in that camp. It was, she was always looking out for me of what are you holding, Jefferson? What are you carrying with you? What are you, what are you holding? I mean, she had these, these cutting eyes that would always explore the, what are you holding on to? Because yes, is there a time and place that you just want to put somebody in their place? You just want to tell it like it is? And they need to, they need to understand and send that zinger? Yes, I get it. I get it. It's natural. There's nothing on its face wrong with that. There are some people who need to be put in its, in their place. Period.

• 11:37Jefferson Fisher?

  The bigger moral of the story is time's going to pass. You're going to say the thing to someone and time's going to pass. And you know who's going to remember it? You. You're the one who's going to remember what you said to them. They might forget, but you'll remember. And you're going to remember how you felt long after it. I can remember even now, thinking of things, maybe I said in high school. And I look back on it now and go, why, why did I even waste my breath? Why did I say that? What, what, what I think was going to happen? They're going to change everything about them. They're going to say, oh my gosh, Jefferson, you were so right. You're so correct. Thank you for embarrassing me and trying to make me feel bad. Oh yes, I definitely changed my mind. That never happens. Ever.

• 12:23Jefferson Fisher?

  I said it for myself. I said it for me so it would feel good. It feels good in that moment. It will not feel good later. So don't, don't be the one that is left holding the consequences of words that you can't take back. All right? Number three. Here are lessons that I apply in my daily routine with, with me and my wife and our two kids. And it's this, let them argue. If you have more than one kid and they're bickering back and forth, we have the mindset of you let them do it. From a distance, it's not like you're not managing it, but you need to let them talk it out. Just because they're disagreeing does not mean you need to immediately come in and go, uh, uh, uh, that's enough.

• 13:08Jefferson Fisher?

  Y'all cut it out. Y'all be nice. You need to let them do that. This is their training ground, especially for siblings. This is their training ground. If they're going to be ugly between two people, let them be ugly with the people they love most and the ones who love them most. That does not mean you're going to allow them to have.

• 13:27Jefferson Fisher?

  Be really ugly to each other. We have something that we call house rules. Meaning if you're gonna disagree with something, you're gonna get into an argument with each other, house rules apply. That means there's no name calling, there's no hitting, there's no trying to boast or brag of like, well, I got this. Any of that, that's not allowed. That's not allowed. So it is to encourage them to fight fair, to think of their actual words. And I do this also with my son. My son, right now, because he's older, and so it makes more sense for he and I to communicate this way. But if he's asking for something, and it's something I could give, but maybe he's wanting me to allow him a few more minutes

• 14:11Jefferson Fisher?

  to stay up or something like that. I will tell him, I'll say, convince me, why should I allow that? Instead of getting into the, oh, why not? Why can't I? I make him make the argument, which is, again, wonderful training ground, and making him think of the goal. What would be the goal of the conversation we're wanting to have? Why are you asking me this? Instead of just starting with the ask, I want him to get in the habit of thinking about the end after the conversation. And if you think of the end goal, it helps framework the beginning. It turns the conversation on its face. And so he is, it's kind of scary now.

• 14:54Jefferson Fisher?

  He's become like a little master of it. And we have to kind of watch him, because he might be making an argument about something or a comment offhandedly, because he really likes his video games, which we only allow screens on weekends, and only for like an hour. And so he's always trying to, you know, say, yeah, you know, Dad, I really, I feel like asking about video games, but I know you'd probably say, no, I'm just letting you know how I feel about it. Jet, I know what you... You don't think I know what you're doing, man? So, yeah, the apple doesn't far too far from the tree. The point here is, let your kids experience that.

• 15:38Jefferson Fisher?

  Now, if they're a... If you only have a... What do you call it? An only child? You only have one child? Awesome. That just means you're their conversation partner. You're their conversation partner. You need to let them experience it all. Let them disagree. Don't be the type of parent that just says, "Because I said so." Like, that's the worst. I find that kind of parenting on a communication level detrimental to the relationship. And it hinders growth in the child's thoughts and how they're going to maneuver communication. How are they going to get what they want? It's totally okay to explore the reasoning why.

• 16:22Jefferson Fisher?

  Usually, it's because they really want to know why. Instead of this, "I've had enough. Don't ask me again, because I said so." I can remember as a kid, that never felt good. Because it's... If it was, "Because I'm the mom, because I'm the dad." Do better. And this is a challenge for me, too. Because, believe me when I say, I get tempted on that, too. Just, you don't want to hear any more of it? Just do as I say. But when you explain it to them, the reasoning, "I'm telling you this, I'm telling you no, because you need to be asleep. If you do not get sleep, I'm going to have to be dragging you out of bed in the morning. And I want you to be able to sleep. And that's when your mind grows."

• 17:07Jefferson Fisher?

  And I'm explaining to him the reasoning behind it. And then they're going, "Oh, okay, well, that makes sense." So, allow them to disagree with each other. Don't cut that off. Just make sure there are parameters. And you can make the parameters for your own household, absolutely. And when you're one-on-one, encourage your child to prove it to you. In other words, make them show their homework when they're communicating. Say, "Okay, make the case. What's the argument?" You're going to have a lot of fun with that because it expresses a lot of your kid's personality. At least, that's what we've found. So, when it comes to children... These are some lessons we've talked about today that are close to my heart.

• 17:47Jefferson Fisher?

  In other words, things that my parents put into me and things that we do here at home. One is to allow your kids to disagree. Give them the space to not like it. You don't have to like it. You just need to understand it. It's a wonderful phrase and it's allowing them to say, hey, we're going to connect with each other. It's okay to not like, I'm not going to force you to like it. Number two, kindness is a wonderful blanket over a lot of things, especially any conversations that they're having outside of your world. And three, allow your kid to have the arguments. Instead of this, don't, don't argue with me. Now, I'm not saying allow backtalk. I'm not, that's disrespectful.

• 18:31Jefferson Fisher?

  I'm not saying that whatsoever. We don't allow sass. We don't allow backtalk. That's if you're going to have a conversation, you're going to not wait until you're walking away to go, oh, this is the worst. My daughter does that. She, she will typically walk away, stomp upstairs and say, this is the worst, this is the worst day ever. That's what we get. That is not allowable behavior. But if you want to have a conversation, say, I do not agree. I don't like this. This is why. These are wonderful conversations you need to have because overall it's telling your child or whoever you're raising in your life, that I am a safe space for you to express all things, all emotions right in here.

• 19:15Jefferson Fisher?

  And this is the training ground for how I'm going to teach you before you leave and you go on to the next stage of life and I can't control it then. So this is the best time that we got. Thank you very much for listening to today's episode. If you liked it, I'm encouraging you again to please subscribe, follow, like, whatever it is, leave a review. If you have a topic suggestion, just throw, throw that topic in the comments because I read just about every one of them. And as always, you can try that and follow me.

• 19:49Speaker 02

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