Find The Communist!

Conan chats with Patrick in Pennsylvania about working as the creative director for Highlights Magazine, the science of silly, and choice antique finds. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: teamcoco.com/apply

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:03Conan O'Brien?

  One in four Americans targeted by scams ended up falling for them.

• 0:07Speaker 01

  I did.

• 0:07Conan O'Brien?

  For me, it would be four out of four. Did you fall for a scam?

• 0:09Speaker 01

  I fell for a scam once.

• 0:10Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, my God.

• 0:11Speaker 01

  They didn't steal much.

• 0:12Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, still, you got taken for a ride.

• 0:15Speaker 01

  I did.

• 0:15Conan O'Brien?

  And you just put it out there that you're easy to scam.

• 0:17Speaker 01

  I am.

• 0:18Conan O'Brien?

  One accident, little click, can expose your information, putting you at risk of identity theft.

• 0:22Speaker 01

  Mmm.

• 0:22Conan O'Brien?

  Thankfully, there's LifeLock. LifeLock has live, US-based restoration specialists who will be with you every step of the way to fix your identity theft from first alert to full restoration. Join now and save up to 30% off your first year. This is a good thing to have in your back pocket, don't you think?

• 0:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, I need this.

• 0:39Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, you do need it. You need it fast. Go to lifelock.com/conan. That's lifelock.com/conan to save 30%. Terms apply.

• 0:51Conan O'Brien?

  Now, Sona, clearly, I'm a very important person to you.

• 0:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:54Conan O'Brien?

  Just accept the premise and we'll move ahead.

• 0:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 0:57Conan O'Brien?

  I'm a very important person to you. What would you get me from Macy's for the holidays?

• 1:02Speaker 01

  A vase.

• 1:04Conan O'Brien?

  No, I don't want a vase. I want something better.

• 1:06Speaker 01

  A jacket.

• 1:08Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, nice jacket. I love a nice jacket.

• 1:09Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, that jacket. Nice jacket.

• 1:10Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, so now you have to do it, because you said you would.

• 1:12Speaker 01

  Aw, man, I didn't know you were doing that.

• 1:14Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I know the holidays are months away, but it's never too early, Sona, to find gifts that I will love, gifts I will wear, and surprises that make the season unforgettable for me.

• 1:26Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:26Conan O'Brien?

  Macy's Gift Guide makes holiday shopping easy with beauty favorites, stylish fashion, jewelry, cozy essentials, must-have toys, home upgrades, and picks for every person on your list. Coach handbags, Breville appliances, Lego UG, and more, all in one place, so you can skip the scrolling and shop with confidence. Shop now in-store or online at macy's.com/giftguide.

• 1:52Speaker 01

  Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com/callconan. Okay, let's get started.

• 2:01Speaker 02

  Hey, Patrick.

• 2:02Conan O'Brien?

  Patrick.

• 2:03Speaker 02

  Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan. And I'm especially excited for you. We'll tell you why.

• 2:08Conan O'Brien?

  What the hell was that?

• 2:10Speaker 01

  We'll tell him.

• 2:11Conan O'Brien?

  How about we ask him what he does, and then we find out organically?

• 2:15Speaker 02

  Well, I already know.

• 2:16Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, we all already know. You're bad at show business.

• 2:20Speaker 02

  I don't.

• 2:20Conan O'Brien?

  You're terrible.

• 2:21Speaker 01

  No, he's great.

• 2:23Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 2:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:24Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, you're so good.

• 2:25Speaker 02

  I don't think I made that big an error.

• 2:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, I don't think so either.

• 2:28Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, no, it wasn't that big. Anyway, but an error's still the same. Patrick, don't let us squabbling bother you. Gorley's unprofessionalism, his lack of show business pizzazz sometimes tickles my wazoo, and not in a good way, but let's...

• 2:44Speaker 02

  Professional.

• 2:44Conan O'Brien?

  Let's continue. It says here that your name is Patrick, you're from Pennsylvania, and it says here, and now it's revealed, let me see what it is you do. Oh, it says here you're the creative director of Highlights magazine.

• 2:59Speaker 01

  Yay!

• 3:00Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 3:01Speaker 02

  Yay!

• 3:02Conan O'Brien?

  We are subscribers at our household.

• 3:04Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 3:05Speaker 01

  We...

• 3:05Speaker 02

  That makes me happy.

• 3:06Speaker 01

  ...too. No, I always read them. I always read them.

• 3:10Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 3:11Speaker 01

  At like, I always read them at doctor's offices.

• 3:13Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, you would never pay for a magazine. You would go someplace where they have the magazine and read it free. Like, she watches all of her streaming shows and cable shows. She goes to bars where they're playing that stuff. And then she'll watch...

• 3:25Speaker 02

  I get it, bar passwords.

• 3:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:26Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, she'll watch Dinks.

• 3:28Speaker 01

  Dinks?

• 3:29Conan O'Brien?

  I just think I made that up.

• 3:31Speaker 01

  Oh, okay, I was like, is there a show I didn't know?

• 3:33Conan O'Brien?

  I think there is. Is there a show called Dinks?

• 3:34Speaker 01

  Like Dublin Come No Kids?

• 3:36Conan O'Brien?

  There's a new streaming movie, Dinks. There you go. There's that pickleball movie. Great. I'm cool. Patrick, quick question, and you're...

• 3:45Speaker 02

  Professional.

• 3:46Conan O'Brien?

  Some people would say that I'm taking us down a bad road, but where in Pennsylvania are you from? I just love America, and I love knowing what part of the state you're in.

• 3:54Speaker 02

  Uh, we're in the wilds of northeastern Pennsylvania.

• 3:57Conan O'Brien?

  Incredible.

• 3:57Speaker 02

  About 20 minutes outside of Scranton.

• 4:00Conan O'Brien?

  Okay. I didn't care. I just thought I should do that first.

• 4:02Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 4:04Conan O'Brien?

  Patrick, you work for Highlights magazine. We have two people here who are extremely excited about this. You have to understand, I'm an older gentleman. Highlights is a very dim memory from my past, okay?

• 4:16Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 4:18Conan O'Brien?

  Sort of like my first and second marriage. But tell us, Highlights, you have Highlights at your home. You subscribe to it.

• 4:25Speaker 02

  Well, yeah, I mean, I was a reader as a kid as well, but yeah, my daughter Glenn and I, we have a subscription, and the minute that thing hits our mailbox, it's appointment reading, and we sit down and we do the searches, we do the sillies, we do all of it.

• 4:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:39Speaker 02

  That makes my heart happy.

• 4:41Conan O'Brien?

  Well, you make my heart happy.

• 4:42Speaker 01

  Aw.

• 4:43Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, God.

• 4:43Speaker 02

  Will you marry me?

• 4:45Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 4:47Conan O'Brien?

  You've caused an arrhythmia in my heart, Patrick.

• 4:51Conan O'Brien?

  Third and fourth ventricle out of sync. Okay, so remind me, because I vaguely remember some things about Highlights, mostly from when I would see a pediatrician, from my mental health. Well into my 40s, by the way.

• 5:06Speaker 02

  How did that go?

• 5:08Conan O'Brien?

  He was disbarred. Let's just put it that way.

• 5:11Speaker 02

  So you went to a lawyer for mental health?

• 5:12Conan O'Brien?

  I went to a lawyer. It was part of my problem. That's when they knew I was really, had an issue.

• 5:19Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, I think it's a good time to talk about what we like and maybe what could be improved about Highlights magazine, and Sona and Gourley, I really turn the mics over to you guys.

• 5:28Speaker 01

  I mean, I always liked Goofus and Gallant.

• 5:31Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, I love Goofus and Gallant.

• 5:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, and it took me a long time to realize Goofus was the silly one.

• 5:37Speaker 02

  It wasn't there in the name?

• 5:40Conan O'Brien?

  You know what's funny? I just have to mention this. Patrick, a comedy writer, friend of mine, who has since passed, who was a genius named Dan McGrath, and he later wrote on The Simpsons, but Dan McGrath, when I was in college, he wrote for the comedy magazine, and he wrote a panel, a series of panels, and it was called, it was a parody of Goofus and Gallant, and it was called Goofus and Galley Slave. And it was like, Goofus makes, I mean, you know, Goofus, whatever, forgets to make his bed, and just rushes off to school and leaves it messy. Galley Slave pines for the day he might have a bed.

• 6:20Conan O'Brien?

  Instead, he suffers the cruel Taskmaster's lash as he pulls on the oar. And it was, they were illustrated, and it was really, really funny, so shout out to Demograph. That was it. Go back, Matt.

• 6:33Speaker 02

  Well, I just feel like we should talk to Patrick here. We've got the man himself. Well, you don't need to hear from me. Tell us about, how does it happen?

• 6:40Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, what's the pressure on you when you're approaching deadline, and maybe you don't have a good Goofus and Gallant, or there isn't a good spot, the onion in this picture? What do you do?

• 6:51Speaker 02

  We have a lot of brainstorming. We have a lot of absurd conversations. I think what's great about our world, it's like, kids don't understand the laws of physics, and reality's different for them, so we operate in the absurdity of life, right? So we get to have the craziest conversations, the most bizarre brainstormings, and just get to go wild, and tap into our inner 10-year-old selves, which is awesome.

• 7:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:19Conan O'Brien?

  This happens in comedy writing, where we, you know, we're doing something for a broadcast, maybe it's going to be the Oscars or something like that, and what happens is, in the pitching sessions, you get way out into the woods, and you're talking about ideas that could never be on the show, or maybe they're way too dirty or insane. You must do that in the Highlights writers' room. Think of things where you're laughing really hard, your eyes are watering, and then you're like, guys, guys, guys, this can never go in Highlights.

• 7:48Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, you have to go dark. The dark humor, you have to go absurd.

• 7:51Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 7:52Speaker 02

  You have to go a little bit crazy and go, okay, that was fun. You have to get, that's like a great mental exercise, and then you bring it back and you go, okay, now we have to think about a nine-year-old, you know, what's going to work for a nine-year-old?

• 8:03Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 8:03Speaker 02

  And it's not going to be Goofus and Galley Slave.

• 8:06Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Although the Brothers Grimm proved it can be really dark. You know, a lot of early children's stories are very, very dark.

• 8:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:15Conan O'Brien?

  Kids are getting tossed into ovens and all kinds of crazy things.

• 8:17Speaker 01

  But they get Disneyfied, and then they're not that scary anymore.

• 8:21Speaker 02

  And what they originally used to scare kids into behaving, not as a source of like comfort or enjoyment?

• 8:27Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Well, also, I should point out that what was really scary for kids back then was that they wouldn't make it past nine.

• 8:35Speaker 02

  Did you guys brainstorm that little story for Highlights?

• 8:38Conan O'Brien?

  If you were, if this was 1840, you'd never live to see your 10th birthday. You'd be shot out of a cannon or die of tuberculosis. Sorry, Patrick, I'm not helping. Yeah, so you guys must have a lot of fun.

• 8:51Speaker 02

  Back in the early days, yeah, back in the early days, I mean, Goofus and Gallant, Gallant was really bad in the early days, in the 60s. I mean, you'd have Gallant looking at a rabbit eating, and just like, oh, how, you know, how precious, look at the rabbit eating, and then you'd have Goofus go, I think I can hit him with a rock. So, I mean...

• 9:10Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 9:11Speaker 02

  Is this why they're not in the magazine anymore? No, well, they are, but I mean, this was the 60s.

• 9:16Conan O'Brien?

  No, they are, but they've just, they've just diluted it, right? They've just changed it.

• 9:20Speaker 02

  Yeah, we've, we've evolved it to be a little bit...

• 9:23Conan O'Brien?

  I remember seeing a Goofus and Gallant where it's like Gallant's being good, and Goofus says, let's go throw rocks at those Italians.

• 9:31Conan O'Brien?

  You know what I mean? And it's like, hey, you can't get away with that anymore. We have to love everybody.

• 9:36Speaker 02

  Are they in every issue? Because I don't feel like I've seen them. You're probably, we have Highlights, and then we have one called High Five, which is for preschoolers. That's probably the magazine.

• 9:46Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, you're getting this sort of dumbed down.

• 9:48Speaker 02

  That's my reading level.

• 9:49Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 9:50Speaker 01

  Highlights Lite.

• 9:51Conan O'Brien?

  You should, you should start subscribing also to Highlights.

• 9:54Speaker 02

  I should.

• 9:54Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, it's just extra money, but you do pretty good, I think.

• 9:58Speaker 02

  Well, I wanted to talk to you about that.

• 10:00Conan O'Brien?

  We can do it later.

• 10:01Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 10:01Conan O'Brien?

  This isn't a good time. I'm a hologram. I'm not here.

• 10:03Speaker 01

  I think you would be a really good Highlights writer, because you think like a nine-year-old often.

• 10:10Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. I will say that whenever I'm in a restaurant or any situation where there's like a little kid, I mean, like a toddler, I go to town and work hard on making that kid laugh.

• 10:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:20Conan O'Brien?

  I'm very proud of the fact that kids who don't know who I am, they have, they just see me as this tall, strange-looking woman. I go, I really work hard on making them giggle and try to break through. I think that's the true test.

• 10:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, I think you would be a good writer.

• 10:36Conan O'Brien?

  You know who isn't good at that? Bill Maher.

• 10:40Conan O'Brien?

  Hey, kid. Hey, kid. What else is going on over there, kid?

• 10:45Speaker 03

  I mean, frankly, I think that applies to all age ranges.

• 10:49Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, no, you went too far.

• 10:50Speaker 03

  Oh, I'll stand by it. I'll stand by it.

• 10:52Conan O'Brien?

  You went too far. That's not cool.

• 10:53Speaker 03

  What's he gonna do, come after me?

• 10:54Conan O'Brien?

  He's a very good satirist. Okay, so let's move on.

• 10:57Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 10:58Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, I hired Bill Maher to entertain at a toddler's party once, and it didn't go well. He sat in a chair and he made them all feel like shit.

• 11:06Conan O'Brien?

  And then we had to pay him $17,000. Okay, just all good time. All comedians love each other. That's not the point. The point is, it's Highlights magazine, and this is a big deal. Do you ever look through the magazine and think, ah, we, this was a mistake? We, this one doesn't work, or this, we tried to hide something in this picture and it didn't really work?

• 11:27Speaker 02

  We always look back. You're always self-critical of what you do and go, ah, I could have done that better. What we don't want to do is have something slip through. I mean, we, we, we analyze everything to the nth degree. We're like, in the hidden pictures, we call it the penis police. We're always looking for phallic objects, you know? Because those things inadvertently go through.

• 11:49Conan O'Brien?

  Explain this. What do you mean inadvertently?

• 11:51Speaker 03

  I've found a couple.

• 11:52Conan O'Brien?

  Wait a minute. No, a penis picture doesn't inadvertently go through, does it?

• 11:56Speaker 03

  No, but they're drawings. I think he's saying they could look like that.

• 11:58Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, I'm saying if someone was drawing, it could be like when you're looking at clouds. And often you're just looking up at clouds and you're like, cock, cock, cock. That's me all the time. That's me. I've only ever seen cocks.

• 12:10Speaker 03

  What do you see when you see cocks?

• 12:12Conan O'Brien?

  I see more cocks.

• 12:16Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, anyway.

• 12:17Speaker 03

  Highlights.

• 12:17Conan O'Brien?

  Um, are you gonna play this, this interview? Are you gonna give a tran, put a transcript in Highlights? There should be, can you find the transcript of this interview with Patrick?

• 12:28Speaker 03

  Oh, it's there. It's in the, it's in the tomato patch.

• 12:38Conan O'Brien?

  You know, winning an award, that's a big achievement, right?

• 12:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, I love awards.

• 12:41Conan O'Brien?

  Every now and then in life, maybe something nice like that comes your way. Winning them consistently is almost impossible. It just doesn't happen, you know? Well, guess what? Winning five times in six years? You know what that sounds like to me? Sustained excellence.

• 12:55Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 12:55Conan O'Brien?

  Hyundai has done just that, earning the title of America's best SUV brand for 2026 from US News and World Report. You are a very happy Hyundai driver.

• 13:04Speaker 01

  I drive a Hyundai Palisade and I love my car. I love it. I love driving it around.

• 13:08Conan O'Brien?

  I've been tooling around in an Ioniq 5N, which I love. Beautiful car. Well, listen, whether you need an SUV for everyday life, your next big adventure, or extra room for family and friends, Hyundai has an option for you. The Tucson Hybrid is loaded with technology and built for everyday life. The Santa Fe Hybrid's fully capable and ready for adventure. The Palisade, that's yours, right?

• 13:27Speaker 01

  Hello.

• 13:28Conan O'Brien?

  They're gonna rename that the Sona. The Palisade Hybrid, yeah, delivers premium capability and class-leading interior space with available, I have this memorized, H-Track all-wheel drive. Up to an EPA-estimated 619 miles of range on vehicles like the Palisade Hybrid and Hyundai's industry-leading warranty. It's easy to see why Hyundai continues to deliver the quality, innovation, technology, and value drivers expect from an award-winning brand. View US News Best Cars at cars.usnews.com and call 562-314-4603 for complete details.

• 14:02Conan O'Brien?

  Who do you shop for first on the holidays, Sona? Was it, do you shop for the kids or do you shop for Tac?

• 14:06Speaker 01

  My kids.

• 14:07Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, you gotta get them your stuff.

• 14:08Speaker 01

  Or my dog.

• 14:09Conan O'Brien?

  And then your, your husband is last. Well, guess what? It's that time of year. You feel that, you smell that, that cinnamon cider in the air? Do you smell that?

• 14:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:19Conan O'Brien?

  And you see pumpkins around, people buying turkeys. A little early to buy a turkey. Doesn't matter. Holidays, I would say it's just around the corner, but that's a cliche. It's, uh, very nearby in the cupboard. Well, guess what? Amazon delivers joy with low prices on the gifts you want, even this early in the season. So get ahead of the season. Shop early gifts, top picks, holiday decor, and advent calendars at low prices. Get ahead, start on holiday gifting with Amazon's low prices. Shop now at amazon.com/holiday.

• 14:55Conan O'Brien?

  Coca-Cola Zero Sugar is so good, it's almost impossible not to finish it before the meal arrives. It's just too good to wait. That happens to me sometimes.

• 15:03Speaker 01

  Me too.

• 15:04Conan O'Brien?

  You can try rules like no sipping until the appetizer arrives, or you tell your friend, "Don't let me touch my glass," but every time you're staring at an empty glass. So if you've ever finished your Coke Zero before the first fry hits the table, you're among friends. It happens. Occupational hazard with Coke Zero.

• 15:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:22Conan O'Brien?

  Real Coca-Cola taste, zero sugar, too good to wait. Enjoy an ice-cold Coca-Cola Zero Sugar today.

• 15:33Conan O'Brien?

  Sona, you have to admit, the holidays, it's really about hanging with the people you love.

• 15:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:39Conan O'Brien?

  And getting to be yourself, not going to some stuffy holiday party where you need to conform to what the man wants you to think about the holidays.

• 15:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:48Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, it's about being yourself. Turn your holiday time into Miller time by enjoying a Miller Lite in a place where you're free to enjoy yourself on a walk with a cousin. With a cousin? Why are they getting all specific about?

• 15:59Speaker 01

  Because it's family.

• 16:00Conan O'Brien?

  But what about a niece or a nephew?

• 16:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:04Conan O'Brien?

  Like a walk with an ex-wife? I don't know. I mean, they're just throwing, that's a weird, they just made a very specific choice.

• 16:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:11Conan O'Brien?

  Now's the time for those unexpected holiday side guests and enjoy a great tasting light beer. "Tis Miller Time," as Dickens wrote. Miller Lite is brewed for taste, the taste you can depend on. The original light beer since 1975 and still iconic more than 50 years later. I like to be with my bros, my chums, my posse, crack open a Miller Lite, take a swig, a sip, look around and see my friends. We've known each other forever and we're just hanging out.

• 16:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, you guys are just doing chest bumps and high-fiving.

• 16:41Conan O'Brien?

  Miller Lite is great taste done right. Go to millerlite.com/conan to find delivery options near you, or you can pick up some Miller Lite pretty much anywhere they sell beer. "Tis Miller Time." Celebrate responsibly. Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces.

• 17:03Conan O'Brien?

  This is fascinating. So tell me, how does it, in the hidden picture thing, they're drawings and they tell you to find certain things?

• 17:09Speaker 03

  Yeah, but there's a drawing and then below is a, is a row of things like a ruler, an envelope, and things like that, a magnet, and you have to find them hidden in the larger drawing.

• 17:18Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. No, I remember when I was a kid, that was, but it was always Eisenhower. It was like, every single time. It was a different time back then.

• 17:26Speaker 03

  Oh, that's nice.

• 17:27Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, innocent time.

• 17:29Speaker 03

  But I have a question about the silly ones.

• 17:31Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 17:32Speaker 03

  I, I get that there, there are things.

• 17:33Conan O'Brien?

  Can you describe what they are?

• 17:34Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's a big panoramic picture and you have to find what's silly in the picture. But I think I'm approaching this from too much of a, like, a logical adult's mind because there are, you know, like, there'll be a fishbowl on a roller coaster or something like that, goldfish in a fishbowl. That's obviously silly. But also, these are all animals just living in this human world. Is that itself silly? I don't know how deep we're supposed to go silliness-wise. I've tried to explain this to my daughter.

• 18:00Conan O'Brien?

  And also, not to get too, like, escher, hand drawing a hand, but you reading this magazine at your age is silly.

• 18:06Speaker 03

  My daughter was even there.

• 18:07Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 18:07Speaker 03

  I don't even have a daughter.

• 18:09Conan O'Brien?

  We know.

• 18:10Speaker 03

  They took her.

• 18:11Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. No, you brought her in once and it was, it was two balloons under a blanket. It was really sad. Yeah, that's a, so that's a good question is, it opens up this mind-altering question of really, what is silly? So if you put a hat on a horse, is that silly? Or are you denying a horse its basic equine right to wear a hat?

• 18:35Speaker 03

  Exactly.

• 18:36Conan O'Brien?

  So this opens up a lot of questions.

• 18:39Speaker 02

  We don't, we leave it absolutely open to interpretation on purpose because everyone finds something silly different. Every, silly to you and a Conan are gonna be completely different than it is to Sona. I mean, everyone's gonna find a different level of silliness. And to your point, when you look at that, you're like, but these are animals in a different, like anthropo, anthropomorphic animals.

• 19:01Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 19:01Speaker 02

  Dancing or shopping, that's silly in itself.

• 19:04Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, yes.

• 19:05Speaker 02

  It's multi-layered. And to a child, that's not as silly as, like, you know, a fishbowl car.

• 19:10Speaker 03

  You just want people having the conversation. It's a conversation starter. It's a party starter. You guys wanna come to my party?

• 19:16Conan O'Brien?

  But that's an interesting point you make, is that one person's silly is another person's normal. And I've always had a very cartoonish mind, so a horse at a typewriter to me, uh, isn't that silly? Do you know what I mean?

• 19:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:28Conan O'Brien?

  But are, you know, whatever, three, uh, you know, three-part form of government, you know, executive, judicial, you know, uh, no, to me, that's silly.

• 19:40Speaker 03

  That is funny, though. A horse at a typewriter isn't altogether silly, but the minute he starts trying to type with those hooves, that's pretty silly, because how's he gonna get them in there?

• 19:49Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, but now that there is, you know, Siri and there's voice command and stuff, the horse can go like, "Oh, near, sir." And that's not that silly. You know what I mean?

• 20:00Speaker 03

  But you're saved by the bell, because for years and years, you didn't have that to lead.

• 20:03Conan O'Brien?

  I know, I know.

• 20:05Speaker 01

  I have a question.

• 20:06Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 20:06Speaker 01

  Is there, are there kids who work at Highlights who are, like, quality control?

• 20:11Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, do you have a room where there's a bunch of kids?

• 20:14Speaker 02

  We actually, uh, test things with kids. Absolutely. We run ideas through them. Uh, our March issue is completely inspired by kids. It's like the Kids Takeover issue. So they're constantly sending us recipes and craft ideas, and then we'll take their, their idea and then riff off of it. They'll send a, like, a pizza idea and then we'll just build on that.

• 20:36Speaker 03

  You know how you, you feature photos of kids that have sent in their crafts and stuff? Like, do you take submissions from 53-year-old men?

• 20:42Speaker 01

  Okay, all right. Let's move on.

• 20:45Speaker 02

  A lot of times, you know, Matt, if you wanna get in the magazine, you gotta be with your daughter. Sometimes we'll have parents' pancakes.

• 20:51Conan O'Brien?

  I'm telling you, it's two balloons in a blanket.

• 20:54Speaker 02

  Right.

• 20:55Speaker 03

  That's my craft.

• 20:56Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I know.

• 20:57Speaker 01

  And you're still getting the preschool version.

• 21:02Conan O'Brien?

  So what other magazines have you worked on? Uh, it says here, but you just before this, you worked on Maxim magazine?

• 21:09Speaker 01

  Wow!

• 21:10Speaker 02

  I've worked, no, I've worked on boating, parenting.

• 21:14Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 21:15Speaker 02

  Windsurfing, yeah.

• 21:16Conan O'Brien?

  There's a windsurfing magazine? A whole magazine devoted to windsurfing?

• 21:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 21:21Conan O'Brien?

  Used to be.

• 21:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 21:22Speaker 03

  But does boating, like, so adjacent to windsurfing? Is it the same people, like, you're in their circle and you just, like, move? Is it a lateral move? What am I asking? I don't know. As I'm a professional, I know that much.

• 21:35Conan O'Brien?

  He made a bet on Kelsey that he could make this interview go for 44 minutes exactly. And he put his whole house on it.

• 21:45Speaker 01

  Isn't a lateral move? What does that mean?

• 21:51Conan O'Brien?

  Isn't a windsurfing craft also, in a way, a boat? Extrapolate for 27 minutes and 35 seconds.

• 22:00Speaker 03

  Well, also, what was the third one? You did boating, windsurfing, and what?

• 22:02Conan O'Brien?

  Maxim magazine.

• 22:03Speaker 03

  Parenting, parenting, all Jerrons, all ending in ing. Is there some connection there? Do the math.

• 22:09Conan O'Brien?

  You're so, you are bringing high heat today, Matt. High heat.

• 22:13Speaker 03

  This is what happens when you call us in at 3:00 PM.

• 22:15Conan O'Brien?

  Guess what? My Kelsey bet was he says Jerrons. And I, I just made $700,000.

• 22:22Speaker 01

  Oh, jeez.

• 22:23Conan O'Brien?

  Um, yeah, but, uh, it must be really fun to watch kids paging through the magazine and having a good time. That must be very satisfying.

• 22:32Speaker 02

  Right, oh, yeah. And they're completely honest and open. Um, hearing them talk about the magazine, they'll always, kind of, they'll give you their honest feedback, good or bad.

• 22:41Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, yeah.

• 22:42Speaker 02

  And then as they're giving, giving you bad feedback, they'll kind of start feeling bad about being critical. And then they'll sugarcoat the bad sometimes.

• 22:49Conan O'Brien?

  That's great.

• 22:50Speaker 02

  Yeah, so it's really sweet.

• 22:51Conan O'Brien?

  Do you have kids?

• 22:53Speaker 02

  I do, they're older.

• 22:54Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 22:55Speaker 02

  I, it's like Conan's joke, they're, you know, 35.

• 22:58Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Late 30s. Now, Sona, you have, uh, two beautiful, uh, boys, and I should know, I'm their godfather.

• 23:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:05Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, Mikey and Charlie.

• 23:06Speaker 01

  You should know.

• 23:07Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I should know. Um, do they, um, do they enjoy this magazine?

• 23:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, anytime we go to the pediatrician, and I will subscribe now, uh, they, they, it's a, it's a really great thing for them to leaf through. They really love it. There's always something about the visuals for highlights that grab people.

• 23:25Conan O'Brien?

  Do they, I mean, you're, they're, they're great kids in a lot of ways.

• 23:28Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 23:29Conan O'Brien?

  In a lot of ways, but they're kind of rambunctious.

• 23:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:32Conan O'Brien?

  Um, do they ever, I mean, will they sit there and page through it? Or will they, like, look through a page or two and then light something on fire?

• 23:38Speaker 01

  Uh, the second one.

• 23:39Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 23:39Speaker 01

  They'll leaf through it for a little bit, and then they'll, like, you know, they'll see something they can break, and they'll say, okay, let's, time to break that.

• 23:47Conan O'Brien?

  Break it up, smash it up! They, they smash stuff and then they high five each other. It's incredible.

• 23:52Speaker 01

  They chest bump too sometimes. I don't know who taught them that.

• 23:54Conan O'Brien?

  Then they get into a little 1958 Chevy, and they drive around the block, and they knock over a liquor store.

• 24:00Speaker 03

  Pickin' fights with some socia's.

• 24:02Conan O'Brien?

  Um, I'm gonna ask you quickly about this, because I know this will touch, uh, Gourley's fancy, or Tickle's fancy. Uh, you like to go to, uh, you like antiquing, first of all, right? You like to, what are some special finds that you've discovered antiquing?

• 24:16Speaker 02

  Uh, we have a side table that was a workbench from a barn in the middle of Pennsylvania. It's like eight feet long, and it's, weighs 800 pounds, and it's completely almost destroyed. You've used, uh, we have, like, uh, our coffee table is an old mining cart.

• 24:34Conan O'Brien?

  Whoa, that sounds cool. I like that one, yeah.

• 24:36Speaker 03

  You've got, like, a nice little secretary back there or something. What is that piece?

• 24:40Speaker 02

  Yes, secretary.

• 24:40Conan O'Brien?

  We call them assistants now?

• 24:42Speaker 03

  Sorry, your executive assistant.

• 24:43Conan O'Brien?

  I'm sorry.

• 24:44Speaker 03

  Your fine rosewood executive assistant.

• 24:46Conan O'Brien?

  What, she's a cute little number back there. Yeah, what, is she taking, uh, notes or something? No, I know what a secretary really is, I was just doing a little bit of a bit there.

• 24:54Speaker 01

  I did, and I learned something new today.

• 24:56Conan O'Brien?

  No.

• 24:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:56Conan O'Brien?

  And you're an assistant. Um, uh, I've always had a dream that I will find an amazing vintage 1950s electric guitar, like a, like a Gretsch 1957 Roundup, uh, with all the special cowboy tooling or something, and that it'll have a sign, a tag on it that says $1.

• 25:17Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 25:17Conan O'Brien?

  But, and whenever I imagine that, I know me, and I know that I would go to the person, the little old lady, and say, you know, this is worth a lot more than $1.

• 25:25Speaker 03

  Oh, I thought you were gonna say you were gonna try to talk her down.

• 25:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'll give you 50 cents.

• 25:29Conan O'Brien?

  No, I'd say it's worth a lot more, and should say thank you for being honest, and then I'd come back a few hours later and murder her. Murder her. Yeah, yeah, you like that part, huh? Hey, I find that, yeah, okay, yeah.

• 25:41Speaker 01

  Murder!

• 25:42Conan O'Brien?

  Um, well, you live in a great part of the country for antiquing, because you're in the middle of Pennsylvania, you know?

• 25:51Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, there's a ton of antique stores, a lot of hidden ones off the beaten path, and we just kind of take weekend road trips and explore the state, and go into these random places that are sometimes extremely scary, and you don't know if, we're going into, like, a basement of an old factory, and you can duck around pipes and stuff, and you're just gonna find the most random things in, in these places.

• 26:13Conan O'Brien?

  You're gonna go missing in about a year.

• 26:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 26:15Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 26:16Conan O'Brien?

  FBI's gonna ask for this tape.

• 26:18Speaker 03

  I know.

• 26:19Conan O'Brien?

  To study your voice patterns, look for any clues in the background, look for any clues in Highlight Magazine.

• 26:25Speaker 03

  I don't know, he came in here and he purchased a bloody rusty hook.

• 26:29Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. And, uh, no, he puts secret messages in the, in the little, you know, hidden messages.

• 26:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:34Conan O'Brien?

  He puts secret messages about where he was gonna go.

• 26:36Speaker 03

  In the highlights?

• 26:37Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, in highlights.

• 26:38Speaker 03

  Oh, wow, okay.

• 26:39Conan O'Brien?

  Because whoever captures him, it'll be like Misery, he'll still be making the Highlights magazine in captivity.

• 26:44Speaker 03

  So it's a huge fan of Highlights?

• 26:46Conan O'Brien?

  Huge fan of Highlights. Captures Patrick, lures him into the basement by saying, uh, yeah, I have a, uh, you know, and I have an old, old gynecological bench, uh, from 1880.

• 27:00Speaker 03

  Oh, God.

• 27:00Conan O'Brien?

  You've gotta see it, it could make a great coffee maker. I'll take a look. Boink, knock out, chained to a wall, you're gonna write those highlights, you're gonna do it my way, is he?

• 27:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:10Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, Patrick, I apologize.

• 27:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:13Conan O'Brien?

  This was a huge waste of your time, but you seem like a lovely fellow, and you seem like you have a really nice life. You're doing something that's really constructive and positive, and, uh, you're enjoying yourself.

• 27:25Speaker 01

  Everybody knows Highlights, everybody.

• 27:28Speaker 03

  How, when did it start? What year?

• 27:29Speaker 02

  Uh, 1946.

• 27:31Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 27:32Speaker 02

  It's 80 years old.

• 27:33Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 27:33Speaker 03

  Wow. 80! Okay, okay, see, I'm not alone.

• 27:38Conan O'Brien?

  No, there was a whole, I think there was 10 years, it was all find the communist in this drawing.

• 27:43Speaker 03

  I wish.

• 27:43Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, find the communist, there he is!

• 27:46Speaker 03

  Oh!

• 27:46Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, he's a screenwriter!

• 27:48Speaker 03

  Oh, my God!

• 27:49Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah, he'll never work again. Circle the people who will never work again.

• 27:53Speaker 03

  That would be amazing.

• 27:54Conan O'Brien?

  Yep, yep, no, and Reagan was like, well, I like that idea, well, well.

• 27:59Speaker 01

  This is a spot to name names.

• 28:01Conan O'Brien?

  Um, yeah, let's play a game called Name Names, yeah. Oh, there's a little thing you tear out. Name names, if your, if your parents have been up to anything, send it in!

• 28:10Speaker 03

  Here's a little maze to see if you can cross the death strip from East Berlin into West Berlin.

• 28:15Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, can you connect? How do you get from east to west? There's a steam tunnel right here.

• 28:21Speaker 03

  Take a bicycle.

• 28:22Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, Patrick, we took a beautiful magazine, and we just turned it into, uh, terrible 50s propaganda, but that's what we do. Uh, it was very nice talking to you, and I hope our paths cross one day in the great beyond. I don't know why I made it after death.

• 28:36Speaker 01

  What are you talking about?

• 28:37Conan O'Brien?

  I don't know, I'm very, uh, dark today.

• 28:39Speaker 03

  Well, we all fucked this one up.

• 28:42Conan O'Brien?

  You know what? I think it's gonna, you're gonna watch, look at the comments, and they're gonna say, this is not my favorite, but it was pretty good.

• 28:49Speaker 01

  No, I think this one's great.

• 28:51Conan O'Brien?

  I think it's a great, this is a great one, this is a great one, Patrick. And I know, because I listen to every episode after we do it.

• 28:59Conan O'Brien?

  I'm, I'm all over these things, and I notice little editing mistakes that Gourley makes, and then I call in and he corrects them.

• 29:04Speaker 03

  That's true.

• 29:05Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, Patrick, uh, thank you, thank you for talking to us.

• 29:08Speaker 02

  Thank you, yeah, it was a pleasure, it's, it's an honor, I'm a huge fan, and thank you very much.

• 29:14Conan O'Brien?

  Hey, thank you, this was fun.

• 29:15Speaker 03

  Thanks, Patrick.

• 29:16Conan O'Brien?

  Bye-bye.

• 29:18Speaker 03

  Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gorley. Produced by me, Matt Gorley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leo. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

• 29:35Speaker 03

  Supervising producer, Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate producers, Sean Dougherty and Lisa Byrme. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm.com/conan. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are done.

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