#609 - Chris Distefano

Chris Distefano is a stand-up comedian, podcaster and host from New York City. Check out his podcast “History Hyenas” with Yannis Pappas available everywhere. Chris returns to talk about the new art of predator hunting, his thoughts on who could be the next mayor of New York, and why he’s locked in on being more present every day. Chris Distefano: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdcomedy/ ------------------------------------------------ Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com ------------------------------------------------- Sponsored By: Celsius: Go to the Celsius Amazon store to check out all of their flavors. #CELSIUSBrandPartner #CELSIUSLiveFit https://amzn.to/3HbAtPJ Moonpay: Head over to https://www.moonpay.com/theo to sign up Morgan and Morgan: Visit https://forthepeople.com/THEO to see if you might have a case. Morgan and Morgan. America's Largest Injury Law Firm. Sonic: Redeem the BOGO Sonic Smasher offer once a week in the app or online now thru 9/29: https://www.sonicdrivein.com/menu/burgers/sonic-smasher/ Perplexity AI: Ask anything at https://pplx.ai/theo and download their new web browser Comet at https://comet.perplexity.ai/ ------------------------------------------------- Music: “Shine” by Bishop Gunn Bishop Gunn - Shine ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: [email protected] Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: https://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips Shorts Channel: https://bit.ly/3ClUj8z ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers Producer: Trevyn https://www.instagram.com/trevyn.s/ Producer: Nick https://www.instagram.com/realnickdavis/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Theo Von?

  You ever realize that you spent your entire morning thinking about lunch? It's 9 a.m. and somehow I'm already in negotiations with myself about how I'm gonna spend $20 on a sandwich at noon. And then I eat it, or you eat it, or somebody eats it, and then an hour later, you're just standing in the kitchen worrying about what you'll do for dinner. And that's one reason why I've been into Huell. The Black Edition Powder is a complete meal you have instead of food, not a shake on top of food. Their powder starts at less than $3 per meal, has 40 grams of protein, and mixes with water or milk in about 30 seconds. I like Huell's shakes because they're clean and it's quick.

• 0:41Theo Von?

  I just want to make sure I have everything I need to keep going the way I want to keep going in a healthy manner. So with Huell, basically, lunch went from a daily logistical problem to a thing I can solve in about 30 seconds. Make healthy eating simple. New customers get an exclusive offer of 15% off online with my code WEEKEND at huell.com/weekend. That's H-U-E-L dot com slash weekend. Thank you to Huell for partnering and supporting our show. Today's guest is a stand-up comedian out of New York City. He's performing this Thursday at the Madison Square Garden Theater on 9/11.

• 1:23Theo Von?

  I'm thankful to have him back in studio, the recently engaged Mr. Chris DiStefano.

• 1:48Theo Von?

  You feel pretty good? Yeah, dude, is, I guess, race, is racism still alive, do you think? What do you think is really going on with racism?

• 1:55Speaker 01

  With racism, what I really think is going on is I think that it's turning around now, and now it's pretty much just whites and blacks coming together to be racist against the Chinese.

• 2:09Theo Von?

  You do?

• 2:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, so that's what I think is the, is the nice thing about racism is, is we're kinda, everybody's teaming up now. You know, and so it's about a common enemy because it used to be white versus black. But that's not at all what it is anymore. And Latinos have been absorbed up into white and it's everything is just not Chinese Americans, just people from China.

• 2:30Theo Von?

  Okay.

• 2:31Speaker 01

  That's where it seems to be going now.

• 2:32Theo Von?

  Well, the some black folks were beating up the Chinese during the COVID stuff. Remember that?

• 2:36Speaker 01

  That was the big thing. That was I have, you know, I have a lot of friends, obviously by my haircut, you know, and you've known me for a long time, but I have a lot of friends who are in the NYPD. And I have an honorary police badge just for my, just because of the way I look. I was just given one, you know, like some people get like a honorary doctorate. Like Bill Cosby, the G O G. I got an honorary NYPD just because of my look.

• 3:00Theo Von?

  Oh, I could see you breaking that out like in a men's bathhouse or something like everybody down. And mouths open.

• 3:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm on a big group chat with like 30 cops and anytime there's like a protest, they'll just, they'll just be, they'll, they'll just start writing CS. And I'm like, what the hell is that? And they're like cracking skulls.

• 3:20Speaker 01

  Just start coming out.

• 3:21Theo Von?

  Coffin time.

• 3:23Speaker 01

  That's what it is. But I think that, um.

• 3:26Theo Von?

  You really think that? Cause I racism, like, you know, it's just, it's gotten into like when I was young, it was like, I don't want to say it was nice or whatever, but it was just, it was easy. It was like, okay, everybody was a certain thing and you kind of got to pick them out and you knew who was going to pick on you type of thing. But then people started getting so mixed. It's like you almost need,

• 3:47Theo Von?

  like a calculate, you almost, you're like, well, what is, you know, what I'm only going to be racist against a half of this person or a quarter of them. It's like, it's just too confusing now.

• 3:55Speaker 01

  Right. Well, it's too confusing.

• 3:56Theo Von?

  Like when you started doing fractions when you were like in fourth grade.

• 3:59Speaker 01

  And it's also like everybody is every race and everybody's every gender and everyone, like I have it even in my own family. Cause you know, I got my kids are half white, half Latino. And you know, I have a 10 year old daughter and a four year old daughter, and there's even division there. Like my 10 year old has chosen to be more Latina. And my four year old's chosen to be more white.

• 4:18Theo Von?

  That's what's up.

• 4:18Speaker 01

  And, and so I'll have my four year old multiple times, multiple times. My four year old has, you know, cause she's there learning, these kids are so damn good on the iPad now. Multiple times, my four-year-old has been fully on FaceTime with ICE agents trying to get my 10-year-old locked up. And then it's like, you know, do you put them, because I, and I put them in timeout, but you're like, is that enough?

• 4:39Theo Von?

  And timeout is what the government is trying to put him in.

• 4:40Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 4:41Theo Von?

  Is it just like a practice, like, you know, I think these days for, I think for Latino kids, you gotta make timeout intense.

• 4:48Speaker 01

  Right.

• 4:48Theo Von?

  You know, to at least get them ready in case they get picked up.

• 4:51Speaker 01

  That's what, actually, it's funny you say that, that's what I've been implementing in my house. I have a little room in my basement.

• 4:58Theo Von?

  It's alligator Alcatraz.

• 4:59Speaker 01

  Well, we actually call it Guantanamo Bay.

• 5:01Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 5:02Speaker 01

  And so we have it set up. We have like a little video camera there. We put them all in, you know, masks when they go down there. And it's a whole thing to get them set up because the truth is, man, is if one, one of my children has chosen to be white and one of my children has chosen to be Latino.

• 5:16Theo Von?

  That's on them.

• 5:17Speaker 01

  That's on them. And it caused division with, you know, my wife and I, like, I have to now choose, you know, and obviously I choose white.

• 5:25Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 5:25Speaker 01

  You know, as you have.

• 5:27Theo Von?

  I don't, I mean, I mean, I think, these days I am on the, uh, the fence, you know, or like, how do you say the fence in Spanish? Bring that up.

• 5:36Speaker 01

  La fense.

• 5:37Theo Von?

  You think? That's French.

• 5:39Speaker 01

  No, you used to.

• 5:39Speaker 02

  La vaya.

• 5:40Speaker 01

  Oh, la vaya.

• 5:41Theo Von?

  Now, do you? She's cute. How old is she?

• 5:44Speaker 01

  For real, right?

• 5:44Theo Von?

  But no.

• 5:45Speaker 01

  Well, what's, we're, we're in Tennessee, so I don't know what, what's, what's the age?

• 5:48Theo Von?

  I mean, I'll say it skews a little.

• 5:52Theo Von?

  Nothing to drive down here for.

• 5:54Speaker 01

  I just want to say, I just want to say I love Celsius.

• 5:56Theo Von?

  It's not like the old days. I might, I'm gonna need some today.

• 5:58Speaker 01

  Really? Oh, you're not feeling? I'm sorry, man.

• 6:00Theo Von?

  No, I'm okay. Let's go through some of the stuff you've said already because, yeah, I do think, you know, these days they're picking up so many people for so many things that at-home timeout should be more extensive for these kids. It's gotta be more intense. You gotta put them under a bright lamp or something like that. You gotta, you know, tape their feet to the floor and tickle them. Like, you gotta do things that are gonna prep them.

• 6:22Speaker 01

  Well, yeah, and also too, I like, I prepare my children, you know, for, because, you know, for like kidnappings and things like that because with all the Netflix content and just content in general that needs to come out, you have to think that networks and streamers are gonna start to just do things for the content. So they will just let a serial killer loose or just pay a dude to just kind of get out there and kidnap kids so they have the story. So you have to, you know, my kids want to get into acting, so maybe that's the way.

• 6:50Theo Von?

  Well, you know, they just started a lot of those pedophiles that they're busting over there at Target. You've seen these TikToks?

• 6:58Speaker 01

  No, that's what the beautiful thing-

• 7:00Theo Von?

  Have you seen them?

• 7:00Speaker 01

  I haven't because I've been off social media. I'm not on social, I've, I've, I've went away. I just let my kids go on it.

• 7:06Theo Von?

  That's fine.

• 7:06Speaker 01

  I just let them, I just let them kind of get all the energy out on social media, let them make profiles, talk to whomever they want, and I'm not on it.

• 7:15Theo Von?

  Oh, you gotta keep the breadwinner safe.

• 7:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, dude, I gotta, you know, my brain gotta be here.

• 7:20Theo Von?

  Yeah. Um, you know, dude, I was thinking that there, a lot of, uh, the pedophiles that are now, I guess, they always, now it's not even cops busting them, it's just like dudes busting them. It's like, regular dude, they'll just wander up on a guy and they're like, so who you here to see, you know?

• 7:34Speaker 01

  Right.

• 7:35Theo Von?

  And it's just some guy and, but, you know, the guy has been flirt, flirting with a child online, a hypothetical child. The other guy who's busting him has been sitting around pretending to be a child-

• 7:47Speaker 01

  Right.

• 7:47Theo Von?

  Making sexual advances or, I don't want to say that entirely, but communicating sexually with, uh, an hypothetical adult, because at that point they don't know they're online. Which both sides of it, like, definitely the predator is, that's, that's a crime. The other side also has to be a little bit weird at a certain times, like, the psyche that happens if all day, or six hours a day for four days a week, you're sitting there pretending to be a child, and like responding to like sexual advances of adults has to be kind of weird.

• 8:16Speaker 01

  It's, yes.

• 8:17Theo Von?

  But then they get them to these places, and instead of busting them, now they're doing things where there's physical challenges and they let them go if they can complete the physical challenge.

• 8:26Speaker 01

  Yeah. I mean, it's kind of a genius move because it's like, it's kind of like, you know, um, uh, American Ninja Warrior meets Chris Hansen.

• 8:36Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 8:36Speaker 01

  Which is kind of dope, you know what I mean? It's kind of interesting because we have to get to that level, but I think, yeah, I, unfortunately now, everything, you gotta know what's content, everything in some ways is content. So what I like to do is I, I don't film it, I just do it for the great, greater good, is I, there was a dude in the, um, local, uh, Buffalo Wild Wings in the mall near my house, and what he was doing is he- He was sitting in the stall and he had little ca- he had cameras coming out of his pants up onto his shoes, shooting up, filming up. And he would look for little kids.

• 9:08Theo Von?

  Oh, and he'd slide the camera under the thing?

• 9:09Speaker 01

  Slide his shoe under and he'd be just taking snapshots and videos of little kids on the toilet. So what I would do is I would go in there and I had the, uh, uh, you know, I call it a fake baby penis, but it was just my actual penis. That looks relatively.

• 9:22Theo Von?

  Right.

• 9:22Speaker 01

  You know, like a baby penis, not circumcised, kind of just there. I actually still have the umbilical cord.

• 9:27Theo Von?

  It kind of looks like an outy belly button.

• 9:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, you've seen it before. Yeah, exactly. So, and I still got the umbilical cord. So I just had them, I, I would just have them take pictures of my, you know, baby dick and balls and then we bust them like that and I wouldn't even call the police. It would just be my friends from the group chat. I would just say it's CS. And they would just start cracking his dude's skulls. And then that's how we'd get them off the streets because you do got to think, I, I agree with you. You know, these people that expose the pedophiles, it's like, you're not a pedophile, but you're also not doing it for the greater good.

• 9:58Theo Von?

  I think there has to be some weird psychological thing that has to mess with you after a while. Bring up what some of the, uh, those pedophiles that were completing the challenges and stuff. Can you, can you see that?

• 10:09Speaker 01

  You're, you look a kind of beefy dude up in the shoulders, like you're stronger now.

• 10:13Theo Von?

  I have been in, I've been in the gym.

• 10:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:15Theo Von?

  I'm feeling tired though.

• 10:16Speaker 01

  Now, do you think you have early stage COVID? What are you, what are you tired from? Do you think?

• 10:21Theo Von?

  Bro, I don't. You have to first of all, fully believe in COVID to even get it, I believe.

• 10:27Speaker 01

  A hundred percent.

• 10:28Theo Von?

  But they're just getting stronger. That's great. And then they let them back in the lot. It's like they're just getting stronger.

• 10:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, that's.

• 10:33Theo Von?

  They're getting, some of them are doing hurdles. One guy had to eat like 40 eggs and it's like, okay, now he's.

• 10:38Speaker 01

  Now you got mad protein and you can grab any kid you want.

• 10:41Theo Von?

  Well, it's just, they're getting stronger.

• 10:43Speaker 01

  So do you think then the solution is obviously to give the kids guns?

• 10:47Theo Von?

  Oh, dude.

• 10:48Speaker 01

  Would that be the solution? Cause that's what's going to happen is the first active shooter is going to go in with a plan and get shot by the students right away and just feel like an idiot.

• 10:58Theo Von?

  What if they had a dude named Guantanamo Bay, right? B A E. And he was just like this gay dude in the like, in Guantanamo that was just like slurping everybody, you know? Be like, everything's fine.

• 11:09Speaker 01

  Dude, I would, I would want to get arrested.

• 11:11Theo Von?

  You would be that. You'd be a great guy to be Guantanamo Bay.

• 11:14Speaker 01

  And I know how to play both sides. I know how to play Latino and gay. Easily.

• 11:18Theo Von?

  You could do it.

• 11:19Speaker 01

  I have both dudes living inside me right now.

• 11:21Theo Von?

  Well, I think, I mean, yeah, I think, look, if that's how you feel, I'm not, I'm not, you know?

• 11:27Speaker 01

  I don't know. I'll tell you how I feel about that.

• 11:30Theo Von?

  My pronouns are he, nosotros.

• 11:34Speaker 01

  Wait, nosotros? What's this between nosotros and vosotros?

• 11:37Theo Von?

  Vosotros means, um, us.

• 11:42Speaker 01

  And what does nosotros mean?

• 11:44Theo Von?

  We.

• 11:45Speaker 01

  Got it.

• 11:45Theo Von?

  I think that's it. Oh, vosotros means you. Sorry, I think it's formal.

• 11:50Speaker 01

  Can you hit that accent? Cause I'm.

• 11:52Speaker 02

  Vosotros.

• 11:54Theo Von?

  God, no.

• 11:55Speaker 01

  Damn, dude.

• 11:56Theo Von?

  I'll have two kids right now.

• 11:58Speaker 01

  Yo, do you want kids, man?

• 11:59Theo Von?

  Yeah, I want some. I want to get into that, dude, but I do want to also ask you, though. Yeah, what did you think about? Oh, they just had that Druski clip that came up. I want to talk about that, about, do you see that?

• 12:11Speaker 01

  Um, no, but I'd love to see it. It's, it's cool to not know what's going on in the world at all. And it's also cool to catch up with you when I don't even know what's going on in your life.

• 12:19Theo Von?

  Well, this is the kind of thing that's happening. And we will get into that because I know last time you were here, we had a huge conversation for two hours. It was Valentine's Day. We talked about love. We talked about where we're at.

• 12:28Speaker 01

  That must've been years ago, dude.

• 12:29Theo Von?

  It was a couple of years ago. You've had some, um, you've had some big things happen in your, in your life.

• 12:34Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 12:34Theo Von?

  Where you, uh, have been forced into marriage by a semi-illegal alien and we're going to talk about that.

• 12:39Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 12:40Theo Von?

  We're going to talk about that. But first I want to talk a little bit more about race and race baiting.

• 12:44Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 12:44Theo Von?

  Um, cross racial behaviors right here. Uh, this is a clip that, of a white male, let's see, um, that Druski put together.

• 12:52Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 13:11Theo Von?

  I think this is a Jason Kelsey impersonation also.

• 13:16Theo Von?

  Look at this.

• 13:20Speaker 03

  Hey, Siwana. Siwana. She's gonna miss me. Hey, come on, you didn't listen to your Nana.

• 13:30Theo Von?

  Cedar Point.

• 13:33Speaker 03

  Hey, you lost, bro? No, I'm going to the race. What race? NASCAR race. You going to NASCAR? Yes, sir.

• 13:45Speaker 03

  You ain't lost, did you?

• 13:46Theo Von?

  What is this shit, dude?

• 13:48Speaker 03

  Sure about that?

• 13:48Theo Von?

  Do you think that kind of racism happens that much, really? Or this is more like in movies type shit, dude?

• 13:54Speaker 01

  I mean, look, dude, I live in New York, so I don't know what it's like in the South, but I know racism exists. I also know that it's kept alive by the media and the internet and all that stuff, because there's so many people that make so much profit off it that you're like... But I mean, I think that's fine. I mean, Druski doing that is just like a good bit. But I should be able to then fully dress black.

• 14:16Theo Von?

  Well, that's where I'm going, right? Because at this point, it's like, yeah, this is hilarious, right? Like, I thought the part with the black dude was so...

• 14:23Speaker 01

  It's great, yeah.

• 14:23Theo Von?

  It's so, it's tough to watch, because you're like, is he now perpetuating this thing? That, I don't think that shit happens, dude. Like, you know what I'm saying? I grew up in areas with a lot of racism, you know? I've dabbled in it.

• 14:34Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 14:35Theo Von?

  But I don't see that kind... I mean, I think you see that shit like in A Time to Kill and Old Moon, or like, you know, like in The Heat of the Night, you know? And that's just my perception. But I don't even know if a lot of my black friends would say that they see that kind of shit. Maybe they do, though. Maybe I'm completely blind.

• 14:51Speaker 01

  Maybe.

• 14:52Theo Von?

  But I think at this point, it's like, you could do that. Somebody could do a black face if they wanted to.

• 14:59Speaker 01

  Right.

• 15:00Theo Von?

  To create humor in it. Do you think so?

• 15:03Speaker 01

  I mean, I guess you can, you can try. I think you could try whatever you want.

• 15:06Theo Von?

  You could try.

• 15:07Speaker 01

  I think you do it up, you try whatever you want. I don't have, me personally, I wouldn't do it, not because of, just because I don't have the comedy behind it.

• 15:14Theo Von?

  You wouldn't look good as a, as a, as a African American.

• 15:17Speaker 01

  Exactly, dude. And I, because I got a lot of skin tags, so even if I went like black face or black full body, because I, I would most likely just go black chest.

• 15:26Theo Von?

  Oh, I'd go black arms and legs, and I'd get out on the court, and I'd...

• 15:28Speaker 01

  Right, and I would keep the face wide, but I got a lot of skin tags and moles and stuff, so it wouldn't look right. But I think every, in the name of comedy, I say, give it a try.

• 15:38Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 15:38Speaker 01

  That's why with Druski, I mean, that was funny to me.

• 15:40Theo Von?

  Hilarious.

• 15:41Speaker 01

  Give it a try. Any white person that's offended by that is just, you know, they're kind of Guantanamo Bay in a way.

• 15:45Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 15:46Speaker 01

  You know?

• 15:46Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 15:47Speaker 01

  In a way, dude. Everybody's kind of just a little bit sensitive, and you really start to feel better about your life. I think ultimately, when you come, well, again, I won't want to, I don't generalize anything anymore. Me specifically, I started to feel so much better and happier when I just got off social media, because I was like, oh, the regular, all the racism and drama, it's all happening in the comments of people that you don't know. Any, anybody, I've made a decision in my life, if I don't know you personally, you don't affect me at all. Positive or negative, you could tell me how great I am, doesn't matter, you could tell me how much I suck, doesn't matter. You could call me any name in the book, don't care, unless I personally knew you. If you, Theo Von, was like, hey, Chris, this.

• 16:29Theo Von?

  You're a [BLEEP] or whatever.

• 16:30Speaker 01

  Exactly. Well, dude, I mean, that's, that's how we talk, man. I would just, I would just look at my last text from you.

• 16:39Theo Von?

  Yeah, facts, facts. But no, I just think, I like, I love this in the name of comedy. I think it's the kind of comedy that's fun and that you need.

• 16:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:47Theo Von?

  And I think like, if somebody were doing something messed up and that is racist, I think you can feel that.

• 16:52Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 16:53Theo Von?

  Undeniably.

• 16:54Speaker 01

  To me, you can't be racist and funny. It's one or the other. Like, you can't, you can't be hateful. You can't be, you can't be racist and hateful. Like, you know, like Hitler, Hitler wasn't funny. You know what I mean? He was racist, but he wasn't funny. I mean, he might have been a little funny, but, you know, the racist stuff he was doing wasn't funny. But he could have been funny outside his racism. That I don't know.

• 17:14Theo Von?

  Did he have a sense of humor? Will you bring that up, if Hitler had a sense of humor?

• 17:17Speaker 01

  Yeah. I think he did.

• 17:20Theo Von?

  Um, nature of Hitler's humor. Hitler's humor was often sarcastic or offensive, sometimes involved pranks directed at his associates. Examples include telling politically charged or racially derogatory jokes at public events and meetings, and making light of aggressive or threatening situations. His jokes tended to reinforce Nazi ideology.

• 17:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, okay.

• 17:40Theo Von?

  Or humiliate perceived enemies.

• 17:42Speaker 01

  Well, there's memes online of him and Goring, who was the head of the Luftwaffe, the air force, them just laughing. But a lot of times in the group chat, that gif will get sent around with Hitler and Luftwaffe and Goring just laughing.

• 17:55Theo Von?

  Well, they're probably off work for a little while.

• 17:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, you can't, you're not on all the time.

• 17:59Theo Von?

  A specific example of Hitler's humor is the elaborate prank he played on his foreign press chief, Ernst Humstangle.

• 18:08Speaker 01

  Humstangle.

• 18:09Theo Von?

  Humstangle.

• 18:09Speaker 01

  Putzel.

• 18:10Theo Von?

  Hitler convinced Humstangle that he would have to parachute behind enemy lines during the Spanish Civil War as part of a dangerous mission. Humstangle, terrified and confused, spent hours circling the German countryside by plane before the pilot revealed the truth and landed safely.

• 18:25Theo Von?

  Another account concerns Hitler's cold willingness to use jokes to humiliate or intimidate others. For example, Hitler reportedly joked with Ernman Goring.

• 18:34Speaker 01

  Goring is the head guy.

• 18:35Theo Von?

  That to make the people of Berlin happy, he should jump off the radio tower, a joke that became widely told and led to harsh punishment for those who repeated it publicly.

• 18:43Speaker 01

  Ooh. That's the thing. I don't know if you've ever done comedy in Germany, but they tell you, you go to do comedy in Germany, you cannot make fun of Nazis. You can't, you can't do any of that.

• 18:54Theo Von?

  Really?

• 18:54Speaker 01

  Like, you can't make any jokes about it at all.

• 18:57Theo Von?

  They just don't want to hear about it.

• 18:58Speaker 01

  They said you could get deported for that. I was like, you mean, make fun of it like, like, you mean, like, don't condone it? Or like, don't make fun of the Nazis? Because that's what you guys like, fuck with, like, you guys are proud of that. And he was like, it's up to you.

• 19:11Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 19:15Speaker 01

  It is up to you.

• 19:16Theo Von?

  It's, yeah, which, which sounds a little bit risque right there.

• 19:20Speaker 01

  Right, yeah.

• 19:20Theo Von?

  Nazi humor is heavily restricted and can be considered illegal for comedians in Germany, especially if it involves Nazi propaganda symbols or Holocaust denial.

• 19:28Speaker 01

  Right.

• 19:28Theo Von?

  Due to strict laws prohibiting such content.

• 19:31Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah, dude.

• 19:33Theo Von?

  Oh, you know who was about to go to Germany, who was, uh, Jim Jeffries is about to go there.

• 19:37Speaker 01

  Yeah?

• 19:37Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 19:37Speaker 01

  And why, why did, did he go?

• 19:39Theo Von?

  I think he said he, that he has issues with audiences there, like he's selling everywhere in Europe, except for some reason, not in Germany.

• 19:45Speaker 01

  Well, it seems like they don't have the best sense of humor, right? It seems like because they went through a lot and I feel like, but I, when I did my shows there, I did a show in, um, Munich and they were having fun, man.

• 20:00Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 20:00Speaker 01

  They were having fun. You just, you, you know, like, you know, you, you stay away from the Nazi stuff. You don't make fun of them. And if anything all fails, Juden, Juden, which is Jew, do a bit about that.

• 20:13Theo Von?

  Really?

• 20:13Speaker 01

  It's all good. You know what's interesting?

• 20:15Theo Von?

  What do you say? Juden?

• 20:16Speaker 01

  Juden. I, yeah, I was, I was calling myself Juden Foster, like Judy Foster, but I was like, Juden Foster. And they were laughing at that.

• 20:22Theo Von?

  Like, God, she's not aged well.

• 20:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 20:26Theo Von?

  She's on hormones.

• 20:26Speaker 01

  I do kinda look like a lesbian a little bit, right?

• 20:28Theo Von?

  Dude, you look like the lambs have been screaming right in your face.

• 20:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, bro. I know. Some people will tell me that.

• 20:34Theo Von?

  Oh, I was thinking Jodie Foster.

• 20:35Speaker 01

  Jodie, that's what I said. Juden Foster.

• 20:37Theo Von?

  Oh.

• 20:37Speaker 01

  Yeah. But I, yeah, Nell from Nell. Remember Nell when she was just like, uh,

• 20:42Theo Von?

  Man is gonna burn on the grill.

• 20:44Speaker 01

  Her? Born in the wood.

• 20:45Theo Von?

  Nell Carter?

• 20:45Speaker 01

  Well, no, Nell, Nell, there was a movie, Nell, where she's raised by wolves and she just has a full bush.

• 20:51Theo Von?

  Oh, I don't like that kinda shit.

• 20:52Speaker 01

  You don't like pubic hair?

• 20:53Theo Von?

  Huh?

• 20:53Speaker 01

  When you had to manipulate all those vaginas before you had this comedy career though, you had to, uh, run into some bush. We used to talk about that a lot.

• 21:01Theo Von?

  I'm not against it. I believe in like, if I were a time traveler or something, yeah.

• 21:05Speaker 01

  Right.

• 21:06Theo Von?

  I'd get used to it, you know? Um, because it's only recently, how long did women have bushes for? It's hundreds of thousands of years.

• 21:14Speaker 01

  The whole thing about women not having bushes just started recently.

• 21:17Theo Von?

  That's the thing. And that, who knows what the effect of that is on children?

• 21:21Speaker 01

  Yeah. Also circumcision's too. Like you can cut the foreskin straight off your son's piece and that's kind of a new thing. You don't know what that's gonna do to him.

• 21:28Theo Von?

  Oh, they're, they're mailing some of those over to those tech lords in Israel. I think they're chomping on those. Those are fucking gummy bears for those guys.

• 21:36Speaker 01

  I was supposed to go to Chicago tonight. Maybe I'll go to Tel Aviv, baby. Don't go.

• 21:40Theo Von?

  You have two kids, dude. You don't want anybody getting the wrong idea.

• 21:42Speaker 01

  Oh, shit.

• 21:43Theo Von?

  And you're jacked. You're like, oh, this guy's beating three challenges.

• 21:45Speaker 01

  Yeah. You think so? I had a blueberry muffin today too. I put protein in everything.

• 21:49Theo Von?

  Let me see what this says. Women do not stop having pubic hair. Trends in grooming and styling of pubic hair have changed throughout history. With the 1980s and 1990s bringing a boom in grooming that included styles for being bare. But 2010s and 2020s saw a resurgence of the natural bush style. Yeah, it's definitely interesting that that that that kind of took on. Who was the first woman to have, uh, bare pubic hair?

• 22:17Speaker 01

  Like who fully shaved it?

• 22:18Theo Von?

  Yeah. I mean, that's like the first person that had a convertible open. You're like, whoa.

• 22:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, the first person to think to shave that.

• 22:27Theo Von?

  It is impossible to definitively name the first woman to have fully shaven pubic hair publicly as it was historical practice long before the advent of modern media and documentation. Okay, so it's been around for a long time.

• 22:38Speaker 01

  Right.

• 22:39Theo Von?

  In ancient Egypt, Rome and Greece for hygiene, status and beauty. Upper-class Roman and Egyptian women, for instance, used tools like pumice stones, razors, tweezers and sugaring to achieve hairlessness. Wow. So if you had like a bunch of hair or you had like a 50-pound test rope coming out of there.

• 22:59Speaker 01

  Dude, would you ever shave your head with a pumice stone? That would look, dude, do you think he'll shave your head?

• 23:04Theo Von?

  One day when I have children and once my wife leaves me.

• 23:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's when you'll do it?

• 23:08Theo Von?

  Yeah, cuz then I'll go to court for alimony and they're like, oh, he's not doing good. We gotta let him keep a little bit of money.

• 23:12Speaker 01

  Now, is that full? Is that your, all your real hair?

• 23:14Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 23:15Speaker 01

  Dude, that's, it's crazy, dude. You got great hair.

• 23:18Theo Von?

  I've been shedding recently this past like month, dude.

• 23:20Speaker 01

  Really?

• 23:21Theo Von?

  Yeah, a lot of times people will shed in like August and September.

• 23:25Speaker 01

  So you didn't get that in Turkey? That's your natural hair?

• 23:27Theo Von?

  Now, I've had hair taken out of the back and put into the front once.

• 23:30Speaker 01

  Oh, good. How did that feel?

• 23:31Theo Von?

  Faced in. I don't think I needed it. I think I actually was going through a ton of stress and I lost hair and then it like a lot of it grew back.

• 23:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, and I liked it. The way it looks with a hat is pretty good, too. You you look good. There's somebody, somebody out there right now, a woman right there out has bush, has grown out her bush and cut it like that. Hundred percent. I guarantee there's a lady out there with pin straight. Pubic hair, she's probably most likely Asian, they have the straightest hair. And she's made it into that because she's a fan.

• 23:59Theo Von?

  Hmm.

• 24:00Speaker 01

  You know?

• 24:00Theo Von?

  That'd be nice. Sometimes people come to shows and they'll have like fun wigs on and stuff.

• 24:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:04Theo Von?

  Yeah, but if you had a woman that had that just solid hair, I mean, that thing braided in it, just like it looked like a damn, the chin of a professional wrestler. You know, in the eighties or nineties.

• 24:12Speaker 01

  And looking at you, I don't know if anyone's, and stop me if anyone's ever said this before, but you have the kind of look, you have a very unique look where you look like you're from the past, but also from the future at the same time. Has anyone ever said that to you or have you ever thought about that? You look, think about it, think about it, people watch and take a look at Theo, he looks like, you know, obviously like could be in the Civil War, like a Civil War painting from the past. But then he also looks like a woman from the future.

• 24:36Theo Von?

  Hey, girl.

• 24:37Speaker 01

  Right?

• 24:38Theo Von?

  Hey, girl. I look like a black woman from the future, dude.

• 24:41Speaker 01

  You do. Yo, it looks great and I'm happy that I'm seeing it now, dude.

• 24:46Theo Von?

  Hey, sister.

• 24:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, bro.

• 24:47Theo Von?

  This bus is late.

• 24:49Speaker 01

  Hell, yeah, dude.

• 24:50Theo Von?

  Where's my check?

• 24:53Speaker 01

  It's crazy, man. I'm happy we're doing this.

• 24:56Theo Von?

  Oh, dude, we used to have, I remember there would be like this drunk black woman where our school bus would go by, she would come up and bang on the driver's side, which is not even a door, it's just a window, right, for the driver of the bus. And she'd be like, where's my check? Like, like that lady was like the bus driver was supposed to bring like her government money or whatever.

• 25:14Speaker 01

  So dumb.

• 25:15Theo Von?

  What the fuck is going on?

• 25:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, how, I don't have your check, lady.

• 25:17Theo Von?

  She yelled at us kids, we'd be out looking at the window because we'd be curious. She's like, tell them motherfuckers I need that money.

• 25:23Speaker 01

  Right. And what are you supposed to have, money in your pencil case?

• 25:25Theo Von?

  We don't have any money.

• 25:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, dude, we're kids, man.

• 25:27Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 25:28Speaker 01

  Yo, you want a bologna sandwich with no crust?

• 25:30Theo Von?

  You think any of us have money? We all got picked up within the same three blocks on this bus.

• 25:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:35Theo Von?

  Bitcoin hit an all time high of a hundred and twenty-four thousand dollars in August, which is pretty wild considering that last year at this time, it was about sixty thousand dollars. When I need more Bitcoin or Ethereum, those are the ones I like to trade, Moonpay is always the first app I open because it doesn't force you to buy a whole coin and it's super easy to use. You can own a piece of any token with as little as 20 bucks and you can use Apple Pay, Google Pay, Venmo, PayPal, Revolut, debit and credit cards. It's just takes a few seconds. And because Moonpay has been around for six years and is used by millions of people, they power the entire world of crypto and every crypto app.

• 26:18Theo Von?

  Now here's where it gets really interesting. Moonpay's partner, Moonshot, is the place to trade new meme coins. So whether you're just starting out in crypto or you've been a DGEN trader, Moonshot is the best place to make your next move. Now with Moonpay, you'll have the best Moonshot experience, buying whatever meme coin you want, all in one smooth flow. Remember, while Moonpay makes buying crypto straightforward, it's essential to do your own research and understand the risks involved. Crypto trading can be volatile and you could lose your investment. Moonpay is a tool to facilitate your transactions, not a source of financial advice, so trade responsibly. This fall, Sonic is bringing football fans the burger they deserve with the Sonic Smasher.

• 27:01Theo Von?

  And now when you buy one Smasher in the Sonic app, you get another one free. Get a Sonic Smasher with two hand-smashed Angus beef patties, always made to order, served hot off the grill. And then boom, another one free. It's the deal fans deserve for the burger fans deserve. Speaking of, did you know they call the Sonic Smasher the QB1 of burgers? It doesn't ride the bench, it never fumbles the flavor. Smasher's out there throwing 60-yard dimes, slicing defenses with its speed, putting up

• 27:46Theo Von?

  the most delicious passer rating of all time. And speaking of athletes, I saw that Sonic brought in Terry Crews to teach some SEC players how to actually act in burger commercials. Legendary move. Just like the buy one, get one free deal on Sonic Smashers. Offer valid once a week in the app through 9/28. Gotta hurry. Offer ends 9/28.

• 28:13Speaker 01

  Oh damn dude.

• 28:14Theo Von?

  What's going on dude? You have a show coming up at Madison Square Garden?

• 28:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, the theater at Madison Square Garden was supposed to be the arena, but then the ticket sales dictated to go to the basement, baby.

• 28:24Theo Von?

  That's alright, baby.

• 28:24Speaker 01

  You know what happened? I bit off more than I could chew. About six months ago, I said, they came to me, they're like, oh, a show on September 11th.

• 28:32Theo Von?

  Ooh.

• 28:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:33Theo Von?

  That's lit.

• 28:34Speaker 01

  That's lit. So they said, you know, want to make it a day? So I said, I had done, 2023, I did Radio City and Theater at MSG, back to back nights. So they were like, let's try the arena. You know, because I'm from New York.

• 28:46Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 28:47Speaker 01

  And then the ticket sales, they were just not moving. And like, everybody, like, I had an opportunity, I had a decision. They were like, look, you could either wait, we see a huge increase in ticket sales a week before-ish, that's the way the trends are now for certain people. Or, they were like, you could just pull the plug right now, we can move it downstairs to the theater. And I just said, you know what, man? I'm gonna, I know me, I know my brain, I know my heart.

• 29:11Theo Von?

  Stress.

• 29:11Speaker 01

  I'm gonna carry a lot of stress for six, seven months. And I said, me doing the arena is definitely a goal and a dream, and we'll try again, but a lot of it was just ego. So I was like, move it to the theater. And now the theater is all but sold out, and I haven't stressed about it in six months.

• 29:25Theo Von?

  It's gonna be amazing.

• 29:26Speaker 01

  Family's gonna come, and then, you know, I'm gonna, I'm gonna detonate a suicide vest at the end of it.

• 29:31Theo Von?

  Oh, I think.

• 29:31Speaker 01

  Just take everybody down.

• 29:32Theo Von?

  You needed some sort of fireworks at the end.

• 29:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:35Theo Von?

  Also, inviting people into the city on 9/11 is a wild move.

• 29:38Speaker 01

  It was a wild move. Yeah, I, I made a ton of mistakes, but I had a manager back then who had a ponytail. So we were making wild moves back then. So we're not together anymore. He's still my boy. But I was like, yo dude, because he told me, he booked me for this, the arena on 9/11, and then he told me to hold 5:00 PM the same day open, because he thought I could do 15,000 seats at a stadium in Forest Hills, Queens. So he thought I could sell 30,000 tickets, and I sold like 2,000. But he said it, but when he was saying it to me, he was crazy, because he was like, you know, obviously on coke, and he had the ponytail and the glasses on, and he was wearing bathing suit shorts, and like a, like a button up top, and it was December.

• 30:14Theo Von?

  And he was eating a fruit cup.

• 30:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, and he was eating a fruit cup, and he was like, you could do it, baby. He was like, I know you could do it. I know you could do it. So you get pumped up, and then he put me- On this arena tour and we have to cancel them all. Yeah, so I like him. I respect him for really, you know, swinging, but you know, we have the same agent. But my agent was like telling me from the beginning, it was like, this is a dumb idea. And I said, dude, look at him. He knows what he's talking about. Look at his ponytails sleek. He uses herbal essence. My agent was like, all right.

• 30:42Theo Von?

  Dude, the guy has two barrettes in.

• 30:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, come on, dude. I was like, look at him.

• 30:45Theo Von?

  He wears a child's headband.

• 30:47Speaker 01

  Dude, this guy is legit. I said, I might fire you and hire him. And then after a week of the take a tails, your agent was like, pull it.

• 30:55Theo Von?

  Pull it, dude.

• 30:56Speaker 01

  And then he was like, fire them.

• 30:59Speaker 01

  So, so we're still cool. That guy and I still, I hope he's still alive. But, but I'm at the theater there and then, uh, and but you know what, man? It's one of those things and my little daughter taught my, well, my older daughter, my 10 year old. Cause I was a little bummed about this because I was a big moment in time for me. I was like, oh, daddy's going to get to do the arena. I almost wanted to do the arena at MSG because it would almost set me free. Because that was my only real goal I've ever had to do comedy. A lot of guys, you know, girls, babies, they do comedy for all their different reasons. My only reasons I ever left my physical therapy job was to do the arena at MSG and to have a sitcom about my father. Those are the only things I've ever cared about. So I almost felt like if I could get that one, it would almost set me free.

• 31:40Speaker 01

  Cause this everyday stress of this, of this career, sometimes it, you know, it, it plays with you.

• 31:46Theo Von?

  Cause you had the sitcom, right?

• 31:48Speaker 01

  Well, I had a sitcom pilot, so, but I'm hoping, I still, I have one in development now. So I'm hoping that I could get that one and just fulfill at least one of the two. And then set the sights on the arena because I don't, I don't know that I'm a guy that does stand up forever. I'm not, I'm already mentally being like, it's, it's very difficult for me to go on the road and be away from the family. When I started this, I didn't have a family, but now that I do, I'm like, man, this weighing. So I'm looking for real opportunities to just stay in New York, you know, that's where I live. So my kids are and my wife and kids, so, so, but, so, but my daughter, what she told me was, I guess she had just learned it in school. I was like upset when we had to pull the arena because it was like this whole big exciting thing for me.

• 32:28Theo Von?

  Your daughter was upset?

• 32:28Speaker 01

  Well, my daughter was. Well, yeah, because I mean, you know, she's got upset because she has to tell her friends in school like my dad's a loser, right? So she had to say that. So she told them that, but then she was like, but she said, she said to me, uh, when I was upset about it, she was like, oh, it's all right, daddy. She was like, remember in, in this life, there's no losses, just learning. And I was like, nice. That's it.

• 32:50Theo Von?

  Wow. She said that?

• 32:51Speaker 01

  She's, well, I, I say my daughter, but it was actually Yannis Pappas, who I do the History Hyenas podcast with. But he looks like my daughter.

• 32:58Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 32:59Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah. Cause my daughter looks like Marisa.

• 33:01Theo Von?

  Oh.

• 33:03Speaker 01

  That was our first word. She went, that's it. Yeah. Yeah. So me and Yannis, we got the History Hyenas pod and, and so.

• 33:10Theo Von?

  It's back.

• 33:11Speaker 01

  It's back, bro. We, we came back about a year ago.

• 33:14Theo Von?

  That's it.

• 33:14Speaker 01

  Him and I, him and I, you know, we, we, we kissed and made up. Um, well, we sixty nine each other and then, and then, uh, and dude, this has been some of the most fun I've had doing comedy again, because it's, it's, it's, you're talking with your, with your friend about history, what I love.

• 33:29Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 33:29Speaker 01

  In New York City, which I love, and it's a place for me to stay in New York. And we really just have a lot of fun, uh, doing the History Hyenas.

• 33:35Theo Von?

  He's so smart.

• 33:36Speaker 01

  Oh, that, well, that I learned. That's the thing. I like sitting next to someone where I'm actually learning and laughing. So.

• 33:42Theo Von?

  That's it.

• 33:42Speaker 01

  That's it. I mean, the really, the premise of the show is, you know, we talk about a history topic, but he typically knows much more than I do. And I'm kind of learning through him and peppering in jokes and all that stuff, but it's, it's great. And, uh.

• 33:53Theo Von?

  Yeah. Just getting to see you guys back together is great. Also just being like, I mean, I think you definitely realize as you get older, it's like, you know, having some connectivity, being around your friend is like one of the best things. And this is out every week?

• 34:05Speaker 01

  Every single week. We, we come out every Thursday.

• 34:07Theo Von?

  Awesome.

• 34:08Speaker 01

  And my message is, is if, if me and Yannis could patch it up, Israel, Palestine, so can y'all.

• 34:12Theo Von?

  I saw the tagline actually for History Hyenas now. It says two chat GPT sluts.

• 34:18Speaker 01

  Yeah. Cause it used to be two Wikipedia sluts, but.

• 34:22Theo Von?

  That come see history in a different way.

• 34:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, that come see history in a different way. Two chat GPT sluts that come see history in a different way. Yeah, dude. And, and on our. On our Patreon, I don't know if you guys do Patreon here, but on our Patreon dude, like that we've, we've just been, him and I have been going crazy because basically, you know, when we first did this show, the rules on YouTube were different, right? Like in 2017, 18, 19, YouTube wasn't as strict as it is now. So we almost are kind of feeling like the show that we used to do for free on YouTube is, can only exist on the Patreon. And the show we do on YouTube is definitely dope, but we are like, man, dude, we, we came out and we put out these episodes that we thought were good and YouTube just kept dinging us.

• 35:05Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 35:05Speaker 01

  So we were like, yo, now we got, we can only have fun on the Patreon. But you know, for me, man, it's, it's, it's, I'm solely focused like I have, I never had goals in this and I never, I was always flying by the seat of my pants, really for my whole life, but now I'm like so laser focused on anything I can do to stay in New York City and make as many of pickup and drop offs with my kids as possible. That's what I'm looking for. So like the idea, even if you, you know, somebody came to me and said, I'll give you X amount that'll change your life financially, but it's a world tour. I would say no.

• 35:35Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 35:35Speaker 01

  I would say I can't do it. Time has literally become more valuable than money to me right now because of my, because I think my kids reached that age where I'm like, oh, when they're little, it's one thing, but when they're older and you're missing everything, you're like, oh, okay. Hold on, hold on. What's the priorities here?

• 35:50Theo Von?

  And you like the kids. Like I think if, if the kids hit four, six years old and you're like, uh-uh.

• 35:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:56Theo Von?

  I got a buddy, his son, right? And bless him, bless him. Benjamin, that's my buddy's name and his son. He named his son fucking Benjamin. I'm like, you fucking loser. He didn't even think about it.

• 36:06Speaker 01

  What a dick.

• 36:07Theo Von?

  He didn't even think about it. The wife was unconscious or whatever, because of the birth was,

• 36:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 36:11Theo Von?

  it's a black guy and he's like, yeah, it was a hot birth. And he's like, just give him Benjamin, you know? And he goes, and I'll change my name. And the nurse is like, no, you don't, that's not how you do it. Like, he thought you could do it like if he names a kid Benjamin, then he's not Benjamin anymore. I'm like, this fucking guy should not have a kid, right?

• 36:25Speaker 01

  Right.

• 36:26Theo Von?

  But yeah, and he's at the point now, he's like, dude, me and my kid have nothing in common. I'm like, dude, it's not how it, it's not like you got put with a roommate, like your first year at like nickel state or something. I mean, you're just doing your best, you know?

• 36:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 36:39Theo Von?

  You have to be the leader in the relationship, but,

• 36:41Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 36:42Theo Von?

  Yeah, I think if you get to a certain point and your kid is just like, you know, he's not doing, at least pulling a little bit of weight. It's gotta be kinda tough.

• 36:50Speaker 01

  Well, that's the thing. Well, like I said, my daughters are, you know, they're motivated. As I said in the beginning of the show, I mean, my four-year-old has got, you know, a point of view. She calls legitimate, says, "I'm racist against Latinos and I call ICE on my own family." For me, it's country first and I trust, I love, I mean, every password on my phone, on my key lock, any, you wanna break it to my house or break it to anything I own? You want my bank PIN password? You know what the only four digits that it would ever be. You know what they are?

• 37:17Theo Von?

  Zero, zero, zero, zero.

• 37:18Speaker 01

  Seventeen seventy-six, baby. The year of this country. And my daughter, my little one, takes that. And then my older one, you know, like I said, she's more Latina.

• 37:27Theo Von?

  Extortion.

• 37:28Speaker 01

  Extortion, gang violence, things like that. And they are, and they've picked lanes, which I really respect and love.

• 37:34Theo Von?

  I like that.

• 37:34Speaker 01

  Look, and then, and then, but there is a little division because obviously the older one is, is pro-Palestine and the little one's pro-Israel.

• 37:41Theo Von?

  I like that shit.

• 37:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:42Theo Von?

  Well, I think here's one thing, dude, is a lot of like Latinos too. I saw, I actually, actually, one of your daughters sent me a picture and the pro ICE one?

• 37:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:51Theo Von?

  She's had a tattoo on her back that said, "This ICE don't melt on me."

• 37:54Speaker 01

  Yes. Yo, for real. It's crazy, right?

• 37:58Theo Von?

  It's very risque.

• 37:59Speaker 01

  But you know what, dude? But you, that, bro, you know what's crazy? We've been doing this for like roughly an hour and you've said risque three times. And three different contexts, which I respect and like about you. And I've always liked that about you.

• 38:09Theo Von?

  Well, first of all, risque also was a urban girl that I went to high school with.

• 38:14Theo Von?

  And I hope she's doing well, risque Wilson.

• 38:16Speaker 01

  There was two kids that I went to high school with. Their names, they were brothers. Their names were Majestic and Scientific Map.

• 38:21Theo Von?

  Nuh-uh.

• 38:22Speaker 01

  Yeah. Well, I didn't go to school with them, but they played basketball in a school around the time I was playing basketball. And those were two interesting brothers' names.

• 38:29Theo Von?

  I love that.

• 38:29Speaker 01

  You like that?

• 38:30Theo Von?

  Yeah, I just love that, uh, I think in black culture, anything could be your name.

• 38:36Speaker 01

  That's true.

• 38:36Theo Von?

  Like, we get like one out of about a hundred and ten names.

• 38:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:39Theo Von?

  But in black culture, it could be, it's fucking.

• 38:42Speaker 01

  Dude, the guy on the Jets was named DeBrikshaw.

• 38:44Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 38:45Speaker 01

  DeBrikshaw Ferguson. His first name was DeBrikshaw.

• 38:47Theo Von?

  I met a girl, her, uh, her son was named No Dante, right? She's like, "I was gonna name him Dante, but I knew he was gonna be misbehavin', so I wanted to put No in front of him."

• 38:58Speaker 01

  Yo.

• 38:58Theo Von?

  Like, that's frickin' amazing.

• 38:59Speaker 01

  That's genius, man.

• 39:00Theo Von?

  Um, let's talk a little bit about what's going on in New York. I know right now you guys have Mom Donnie. Do you think he'll be able to, he's running for mayor, right?

• 39:08Speaker 01

  He's probably gonna win too for mayor.

• 39:09Theo Von?

  He is, wow.

• 39:10Speaker 01

  But that's why I've packed up and left New York City.

• 39:12Theo Von?

  Really?

• 39:12Speaker 01

  Yeah. Well, I live in the suburbs.

• 39:14Theo Von?

  Okay, so you've already left.

• 39:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:15Theo Von?

  But what's that heat up there like? What's like, what's going on? Do you notice any of it in the air or not?

• 39:19Speaker 01

  Um, I think, um, Mom Donnie, you notice that people are starting, i- i- the New York Post, which is the only one I mess with, the New York Post really goes after him hard.

• 39:33Theo Von?

  Oh, they do?

• 39:34Speaker 01

  So there's a little bit of fear mongering, I think, amongst the media. Um, I do think that he probably has good intentions, but I think, like, most of us think is that, you know, New York City is a city that you need millionaires and billionaires. And if you drive them all out with the tax, with the tax hikes, then you're just gonna lose the, the city. So I think that's the fear. I think I understand what he wants with, you know, people should pay their, everybody should pay more fair taxes. I'm all with that.

• 40:05Theo Von?

  Mm-hmm.

• 40:05Speaker 01

  But, you know, he has an idea of like raising the millionaires' tax, millionaires, billionaires, like, to like a level that they're just, because I know people, it's easy for people to say, oh, but they have so much money. It's like, yeah, but that's their mindset, how they got so much money. They never thought like that. So you're not gonna change some like 55-year-old white dude's mindset, like, he's about that money.

• 40:24Theo Von?

  Mm-hmm.

• 40:25Speaker 01

  So if you want him to stay and keep contributing to the tax burden, you gotta make it appetizing for him, or he's just gonna go to Florida or Tennessee or somewhere else. Or she, or they.

• 40:35Theo Von?

  Well, let me establish him a little bit. So Zohran, he is, what ethnicity is he?

• 40:38Speaker 01

  Pakistani, I think, is he, or Indian?

• 40:41Theo Von?

  Zohran.

• 40:43Speaker 01

  You don't wanna mess that up, because Pakistan and India are-

• 40:46Theo Von?

  You don't wanna mess with the Zohran.

• 40:47Speaker 01

  You don't, no, no way.

• 40:50Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, there's Mom Donnie. He was born in Kampala, Uganda, uh, yeah, to an Indian family.

• 40:58Theo Von?

  Okay, Zohran Mamdani, the Democratic nominee for New York City mayor and current Assembly member, centers his politics on affordability of social security nets, frees rents on rent stabilized units and triple affordable housing construction aiming for 200,000 new units in 10 years, increased enforcement against exploitive landlords and established an office of deed theft prevention for homeowners, especially in black and Latinx neighborhoods, Alphabet City, double funding for public housing preservation.

• 41:26Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 41:27Theo Von?

  Distribute baby baskets with essential goods and resources to all New York City parents, increase New York City minimum wage to $30 an hour by 2030. So he definitely kind of has this like, uh, for the little man.

• 41:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's what he's thinking about, for the little man, which I respect, but I just don't know if New York City is the city for it. I just, I don't know. I honestly don't. The thing is, I really don't know. All this stuff is above my head.

• 41:55Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 41:55Speaker 01

  I've just, I've just left the city.

• 41:57Theo Von?

  All right, you're out.

• 41:58Speaker 01

  My, well, yeah, well, because.

• 41:59Theo Von?

  Do you think the city changed over time?

• 42:00Speaker 01

  My girl wanted to leave, and she's Latina, you know? That's the thing, is like, people think, I think people think like, oh, you know, the media has made everyone think like that white people are just the worst and we're the only ones who, you know, don't want this or that. But it's like, yo, the Latinas, bro, if you've ever put like a Google Translate at a Puerto Rican barbecue, woo!

• 42:20Theo Von?

  They're unhappy?

• 42:21Speaker 01

  I mean, bro, you think, you'd be like, okay, senor Hitler.

• 42:24Theo Von?

  Oh.

• 42:25Speaker 01

  You know what I mean? Like, they, they go in.

• 42:27Theo Von?

  Against Israel?

• 42:29Speaker 01

  Everybody.

• 42:30Theo Von?

  Oh, they, oh, they, so.

• 42:31Speaker 01

  Everybody catches it, from the Latinos.

• 42:33Theo Von?

  Oh, the Latinos have a lot of, uh, they have some racism a little bit.

• 42:37Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 42:37Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 42:38Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 42:38Theo Von?

  That's good to know, because you kind of don't know if they do sometimes.

• 42:41Speaker 01

  They do.

• 42:41Theo Von?

  Like, you know those like, black and Latino gang violence?

• 42:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 42:44Theo Von?

  But you don't hear much about it otherwise, you know?

• 42:46Speaker 01

  Dude, you have black guy, old school black guy, is very racist. Yeah, everybody's kind of racist, man.

• 42:51Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 42:52Speaker 01

  You could, you could, you know.

• 42:53Theo Von?

  Well, people are tribal, too. It's like.

• 42:55Speaker 01

  That's what it is, tribalism.

• 42:56Theo Von?

  Everybody wants to make it all right. It's like, you know, there's like. There's like a lot of black crime in places like I I'm not racist because I don't want to be in some of those places. I got a friend one time who was trying to get me to come to like um this clothing shop that they had. And there's a lot of crime there and it's young black kids attacking people.

• 43:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:15Theo Von?

  Stealing car carjacking shit. I'm not I'm not going or it's like.

• 43:19Speaker 01

  No.

• 43:19Theo Von?

  I'm not risk. It's like that doesn't make me racist. I just want to preserve my own life.

• 43:24Speaker 01

  I'm just trying to live, baby, but I but I think more and more now from again, the little sense, just just talking to people, not on the internet, just like in real life. Of every race, more people getting sick of it. More people like, yo, let's move past it now. Not everything's got to be racist sexist. I think the me too, not the me too, the pandemic, I think it like kind of it hit its fever pitch and now it kind of like broke. And it's just like people like I'm exhausted by that. Don't don't talk to me about that.

• 43:50Theo Von?

  Yeah, I agree. I think people see that it's also like this thing that they try to get like uh different political groups to fight over. It's all a smear. It's all like, hey, fight over this shit while everything else disappears. Like, you know what I'm saying?

• 44:02Speaker 01

  So people again, starting to get to know about it now.

• 44:04Theo Von?

  Yeah, but I think it's interesting to have guys that are different like get it. I'm always the underdog fan, right?

• 44:09Speaker 01

  Right.

• 44:10Theo Von?

  I'm always the underdog fan.

• 44:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, he's not the underdog, though. I don't. I think it's pretty clear he's going to win. I mean, you got Governor Cuomo um who.

• 44:17Theo Von?

  Who's running against him, right?

• 44:19Speaker 01

  Running against him.

• 44:19Theo Von?

  It's a runoff, right?

• 44:20Speaker 01

  The nursing home. So he's trying. He keeps trying to get Mom Donnie into a nursing home so he can murk him. Got Curtis Silwa, uh Silwa, who's got the beret, which I would vote for him. I I understand, but I can't. He won't take his hat off.

• 44:32Theo Von?

  Let me see. Bring up Silwa on that.

• 44:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, Silwa. So that's the problem is Silwa won't take the hat off. So I can't have you as my mayor with that hat on. You know what I mean? Like I just, if he took the hat off, I think he'd get more votes, but he refused. He wears the full suit with that hat on.

• 44:47Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 44:48Speaker 01

  He's kind of like the muffin man.

• 44:49Theo Von?

  Let's get a look. Let's get a little bit more of him. Can we get some audio on him?

• 44:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 44:53Speaker 04

  Lyft and Uber and they are constantly being threatened with perverts who come up to them sexually harass them. Men for the most part don't have that issue. Pat, I'm in all 350 neighborhoods, all 472 of the platforms in the vast city subway system. I'm on the only candidate in the subway every day.

• 45:12Theo Von?

  What are you talking about? Do you think he acts like, what do you, what is he the fucking, he, he's the lord of DoorDash drivers? There's no way he's in all those places, dude.

• 45:22Speaker 01

  Could you imagine?

• 45:25Theo Von?

  He looks like fucking, he looks like Isidore Dash, dude. He looks like the great chancellor of DoorDashian.

• 45:32Speaker 01

  Dude, he, and he's just yelling about perverts and Hoovers.

• 45:37Theo Von?

  Dude, they should have a show called Keeping Up With The DoorDashians.

• 45:42Speaker 01

  Yo, that'd be crazy, dude. Should we pitch that?

• 45:45Theo Von?

  Yeah, well, I think we're.

• 45:47Speaker 01

  Let's just do it.

• 45:48Theo Von?

  Let's just do it.

• 45:49Speaker 01

  Keeping Up With The DoorDashians.

• 45:50Theo Von?

  And it's just a family that DoorDash's and they're just pissed about it. They're like, oh, I'm taking these rich motherfuckers on the Upper East Side. It's fucking like, oh, I just delivered Ben Stiller some tater tots, you know? They're just fucking pissed at everybody. They're like, oh, Dershowitz wants his waffle fries shaped into a kid's pelvis, you know? You're like, that seems a little risque.

• 46:10Speaker 01

  Yo, this is the fourth time. Risque.

• 46:13Theo Von?

  Oh, it does.

• 46:13Speaker 01

  Dude, I love it, man. Keep it going.

• 46:15Theo Von?

  Thank you.

• 46:16Speaker 01

  Let's get a counter up there. Keeping Up With The DoorDashians is a hit show, bro. Wow. See, that's what I'm saying, dude. You think your mind is not there. You keep saying your mind need these little mental resets. And that's how you're able to get such good bits and you're taking little breaks, which is what more people should do. You take little breaks. That's what I was saying. This old, that old dude that I was telling you about, about the muffin who told me he doesn't stress about the muffin. He told me he's 98 years old because he takes little breaks. He was like, oh, when you put your kid in the car seat, put in the car seat and instead of just going right back to the driver's seat, if.

• 46:49Theo Von?

  Close the door, yell some slurs.

• 46:51Speaker 01

  Right.

• 46:51Theo Von?

  Breathe deep.

• 46:52Speaker 01

  Put, drive the car into a garage, shut the door, keep the engine running and then you leave. No, he said, take a long walk around the car. Take five seconds to breathe and re. Set. You got your baby safe in the car seat. And then don't just jump right in the driver's seat and start driving. Take five seconds the long way. Find little breaks throughout the day.

• 47:11Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 47:11Speaker 01

  And that's what you do. You take little breaks. I like it.

• 47:13Theo Von?

  Like resetsism instead of racism, resets.

• 47:16Speaker 01

  Resetsism or like recidivism, but it's resetecism.

• 47:19Theo Von?

  I like it.

• 47:20Speaker 01

  You know what I'm saying, dude?

• 47:21Theo Von?

  Thanks, dude.

• 47:22Speaker 01

  Get a little reset.

• 47:23Theo Von?

  Reset.

• 47:24Speaker 01

  I haven't seen you in like two years.

• 47:26Theo Von?

  I know, man. It's crazy, dude. I can't believe that, uh, that it's been that long, you know? I think time just gets like kind of going and then things get kind of hectic. I know.

• 47:34Speaker 01

  You home or you're on the road? Are you staying? Is your goal to stay home? Like my goal is to stay home?

• 47:38Theo Von?

  It is now, you know? I've been on the same tour for almost four years.

• 47:42Speaker 01

  So you're off it now?

• 47:43Theo Von?

  I have, uh, we're doing a, uh, taping a special in, um, it's in New York. Beacon.

• 47:50Speaker 01

  Beacon. Best theater. You're doing it for Netflix, Al Jazeera, Hulu?

• 47:54Theo Von?

  Netflix. I would do it for Al Jazeera. They didn't make an offer, but, uh.

• 47:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm going to Saudi Arabia. I could hit them up.

• 47:59Theo Von?

  You're going to that comedy festival?

• 48:01Speaker 01

  Should I have not?

• 48:01Theo Von?

  Oh, hold on. No, no, no. That's great. Let's get into that in a second. Um, but no, yeah. So we got that coming up and then, I don't know, I'm, part of me wants to maybe do a show like in Hawaii, just so I can also go on vacation.

• 48:11Speaker 01

  Right.

• 48:11Theo Von?

  But then part of me is like, I just don't know, like, like I started like, yeah, like lose, I just like recently, like I, I, I just like, um, I think my nervous system's just shot, you know?

• 48:21Speaker 01

  But do you like being home, like here? Like, do you like being in, or do you like?

• 48:25Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, it's nice. No, I do like it. I like being home and I want to be able to do more creative stuff like, you know, um, I'm trying to see if Drewski wants to do a, do, try to do something together.

• 48:35Speaker 01

  Right.

• 48:35Theo Von?

  Me and Spade made a movie that we're gonna put out. We're editing right now. So there's a bunch of little things that I'm trying to do, you know?

• 48:41Speaker 01

  Yeah. Dude, you and Drewski would just do it like Drewski would just be that character. You guys could just be brothers. You could do Keeping Up With The DoorDashians as a, as a movie.

• 48:50Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 48:51Speaker 01

  And you two are the DoorDashians.

• 48:53Theo Von?

  I think you want to find a family that likes the DoorDash and it's a family affair.

• 48:58Speaker 01

  Right.

• 48:58Theo Von?

  And it's Keeping Up With The DoorDashians or it's just like these funny like. You know, and the baby's in the backseat and he's eating a couple of the tots or something?

• 49:05Speaker 01

  Tots, yeah. Dude, one of the guys who works with me is actually, I'm doing, um, Chicago tomorrow, and he's gonna work with me on the show. He does DoorDash in his spare time, and there's been multiple times where he's done DoorDash orders while I'm on stage. He does his time, and then he knows he's got about an hour while I'm up there, and he does some DoorDash. The kid's hustling. He's told me too, what the trick is too, like, they all eat for free, the DoorDash drivers, because like, you know, when they get hungry, they'll just eat somebody's McDonald's or KFC order, and then just kind of never deliver it, and then let them take it up at DoorDash, and DoorDash will usually just refund their money and then reorder, but they got, they ate the food.

• 49:41Theo Von?

  I love that.

• 49:42Speaker 01

  Because it's not up to that. Like, he said there's no system. It's not like they know, oh, this guy, this driver took, they just line up the DoorDash deliveries, and you just take it, and you take the receipt, and no one's checking. No one's like scanning you as the driver in, so you could do whatever you want to the food that's not connected.

• 49:56Theo Von?

  That's how you show the man right there, dude. Now, somebody doesn't get fed, somebody and their kids do not get fed.

• 50:02Speaker 01

  Right.

• 50:02Theo Von?

  They're splitting up a yogurt or something at home, which is tough to do, dude.

• 50:07Speaker 01

  But my boy's point was, the drivers don't make any money either. He's making like eight dollars an hour, so he's like, what about him? Now I gotta eat your food.

• 50:14Theo Von?

  Some people, they love doing DoorDash. It's fun. Oh, here's some stats right here. Let me see. Um, as a US food survey found that nearly 30% of food delivery drivers, including those on DoorDash, admit to taking a bite of food from customers' orders at least once.

• 50:29Speaker 01

  Dude, Mark Normand will take a bite out of your food. I've seen him do that multiple times at the Comedy Cellar.

• 50:33Theo Von?

  Oh, potato skin. Jews. He's the best, dude. He's the fucking best.

• 50:38Speaker 01

  Is he number one, or what?

• 50:39Theo Von?

  You guys, I think, y'all's personalities in New York are so fun, dude. Louis was just in town, Jim Norton was here.

• 50:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, did you have Louis and Jim come on the show?

• 50:48Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 50:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 50:49Theo Von?

  And it was just like, oh.

• 50:50Speaker 01

  Dude, Jim Norton, Jim Norton, I, I've been, you know.

• 50:54Theo Von?

  You and I met each other by Jim Norton and Opie.

• 50:56Speaker 01

  Opie and Anthony, dude, you would go way back. And it, and then, and then half the people we used to do the show with are dead. Bro, fucking, everybody's just dropping dead.

• 51:04Theo Von?

  Vic Henley.

• 51:05Speaker 01

  Yep. Chef Carl, Ruiz, damn, sucks. But, you know, rest in peace. But they, um, But Jim, dude, he said this bit, him and Anthony Kumia did this bit the other day that oh my, I mean, they like reposted, I had to text Jim, like, I almost crashed my car from laughing. Because, by the way, like, you know, love this pod, but you know how like, we do this, like, this is our profession and even sometimes comedy can't be as cathartic for us as it is for the audience, because like, we get stuck in, in, in, you know, if you listen to some dope comedian or like, you laugh, but you're like, man, you kind of have this self-reflection, like, I should be

• 51:47Speaker 01

  better, blah, blah, blah. Jim Norton's got a new pod called, uh, Jim Norton's Pod Can't Save You.

• 51:52Theo Von?

  Mm-hmm.

• 51:53Speaker 01

  And it's, I, I listen to it like I'm an audience member. Like, it's, it's my cathartic, like, I wait each week, I listen to the episodes. When they have the episodes on, they had an episode, old school one with Colin Quinn and Rich Voss, where it's like that old Opie and Anthony energy, like, from the early 2000s. It just hits me in a way where I'm like, oh, this is the gift of comedy. Like, I was going, you know, if you're going through stuff in your life, you're depressed, you're sad, you need to laugh, that's the pod I go to.

• 52:19Theo Von?

  Hmm, I gotta start listening to that.

• 52:21Speaker 01

  Jim Norton Can't Save You. It's one, to me, it's, it's like Jim in all his glory, but this bit, I came across it and I was dying.

• 52:27Speaker 05

  I kissed my friend's grandmother, which I know is trying to...

• 52:30Speaker 01

  Oh, right.

• 52:31Speaker 05

  And it was like, it was like a little peck in our lips, touch, and I'd be lying.

• 52:36Speaker 01

  Whose lips were thinner and drier. You have a little contest.

• 52:41Speaker 05

  I would be lying if I said I wasn't turned on. I was a little turned on.

• 52:47Speaker 01

  I like to taste a Jericho.

• 52:50Speaker 05

  But, and, and I just, I couldn't, I couldn't do anything about it. Cause I'm like, you know, then they closed the lid.

• 53:04Theo Von?

  That's awesome.

• 53:05Speaker 01

  That's my, you know, I, I don't know, when he said, close the lid, I just, it just hit me. Cause I thought the bit was just about kissing his grandma.

• 53:12Theo Von?

  Oh, 100%.

• 53:13Speaker 01

  And, and, but that's the kind of humor, you know, that I like. And I used to, it used to be one of those things where, you know, I understand this subjectivity of comedy now and how... If I think it's really funny and you don't, or vice versa, like, that's just okay. Like, I used to get upset if I saw not the whole audience laughing. Where now, I'm just like, oh, okay, yeah, that's, comedy can't be for everybody. Everybody's comedy can't be for everybody all the time. So I'm accepting of that now.

• 53:41Theo Von?

  Yeah, just like, this is where, yeah, if I'm still trying to make something for everybody, then that's not gonna be great. Trying to just be true to myself the best I can. Yeah, but those guys are, I mean, those guys are funny at a level that's way funnier than I feel like. I mean, way funnier than I'll ever be, and way funnier than I think we are now. I think you always feel like the generation before you is funnier.

• 54:02Speaker 01

  Well, like, if you sit at the Comedy Cellar and you ever get stuck at the back table with Jim Norton, Colin Queen, Rich Voss, those guys, and they start hammering jokes, and then it comes to you, and you, nine times out of ten, I don't have anything to say.

• 54:14Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 54:14Speaker 01

  And then you just get abused, and it, and you realize, hey, with this game, it's ticket sales, money, fame, fortune, all those things are whatever. There's a part of it that's great, but it's like, just pound for pound, fuck. I've never seen a group that can hit it like those guys hit it. I just, I've never seen a group that, that nineties, two thousands, tough crowd, New York.

• 54:34Theo Von?

  Keith Robinson.

• 54:35Speaker 01

  Yep, Keith Robinson, all those guys, old school Nick DiPaolo, Patrice O'Neal passed away. You know, I never met Patrice, but he, he was, you know, obviously amazing. Geraldo, those old school New York guys.

• 54:46Theo Von?

  Can't even imagine.

• 54:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, cuz there was a time where I was like, you know, people, you know, you.

• 54:51Theo Von?

  And Schumer was in there, she was so funny.

• 54:53Speaker 01

  She was with that crew, yeah.

• 54:54Theo Von?

  I mean, she was so good.

• 54:57Speaker 01

  You know, and now I feel like, with comedy, I feel like, um, you know, it's just, things are different now. And I just feel like, gotta just do it, you know, we have like these niche little audiences. I'm, I've convinced myself at times to try to be happier with less. You know, I'm trying, trying to.

• 55:16Theo Von?

  Dude, I was getting a massage the other day, and, and it was by a man. I prefer a man a lot of times. I don't, like.

• 55:23Speaker 01

  But he doesn't do the happy ending, though. You don't go that far with a guy.

• 55:27Theo Von?

  I don't let anybody have any, I'm not driving across town so some loser can jerk me off when I can do it myself at home. I'm not going to do it. No offense, if you're a masseuse, you're not a loser, whatever. I don't mean that. I just mean like, the places I go, it's not like, nobody's been to a school or like in a beauty school. You know, there's not a hot rock in the room unless it's fucking, unless it's in an eight ball in somebody's pocket. You know, there's no, it's not that kind of shit. It's just like, the light bulbs kind of work and, and somebody will fucking run up your back. You don't know if it's a bug or a little Vietnamese woman, but it helps you relax.

• 55:58Speaker 01

  Same thing.

• 56:03Theo Von?

  And then I don't know.

• 56:04Speaker 01

  No dude, I had an uncle who fought in the war.

• 56:06Theo Von?

  Oh dude, I don't give a shit. I haven't decided what side I'm on.

• 56:09Speaker 01

  Right.

• 56:10Theo Von?

  But here's the thing, it's like, I, I went in there and the guy, I paid him upfront. This guy's such a great guy. And I go to two massage places. There's one in, um, in Westwood that I go to in Los Angeles. It's called Siri Foot Spa. And it's amazing. And then there's one in Nashville that I go to called Crest Foot Spa.

• 56:29Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 56:30Theo Von?

  And both of them.

• 56:30Speaker 01

  Why did it have to be a foot spa? Like what is that about a foot spa? Cause you just get the feet done?

• 56:34Theo Von?

  No, but I'm just saying, if they'll get into your feet, they'll get into the rest of you.

• 56:37Speaker 01

  That's true dude.

• 56:38Theo Von?

  You know what I'm saying? If you start without, you know, they say you don't know a man till you walk a mile in his shoes. But if you're able to knuckle the history out of a man's feet.

• 56:46Speaker 01

  Hundred percent.

• 56:47Theo Von?

  Then you know a man.

• 56:48Speaker 01

  Yes sir, my toes, I got my toe next to my big toe just crosses over like that. They're called hammer toes. And I was telling my wife, I was like, I need a paternity test on that baby. And I was saying it like that. While she was giving birth, I was like, I need, I need to know that man.

• 57:01Theo Von?

  Oh, for sure.

• 57:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, and she, and, and I kept saying that. And then, and then they slapped me, she slapped me. My girl in the middle of the childbirth and she was like, look at that baby's feet.

• 57:13Theo Von?

  Right.

• 57:14Speaker 01

  And then my daughter has the same toes as me dude, they're crossed over. What's that?

• 57:19Theo Von?

  I like that.

• 57:20Speaker 01

  But so my daughter, so I feel bad because my daughter, cause my wife's feet are very flat, like almost like a Princess Fiona foot. And then my toes are crossed over. And I'm just hoping that my daughters don't have a mix of both our feet. Cause girls should have nice feet. Guys, it doesn't matter if your feet are, my feet look like, my feet look like they're on the wrong leg. Like my right foot's on my left and my left foot's on my right. That's what it feels like.

• 57:44Theo Von?

  You got toes in different area, bro. You got shit heading, yeah.

• 57:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's bad.

• 57:47Theo Von?

  Yeah, somebody gives you directions, you're still fucked.

• 57:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, my feet will go the wrong way. It's, it's like you never get like wet your iPhone and it's like you're hitting a thing and it's going over there. That's where my feet are. They're like wet iPhones.

• 58:00Theo Von?

  Yeah, you're like soaking your feet in rice at night?

• 58:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, yes.

• 58:03Theo Von?

  Trying to get them calibrated?

• 58:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, dude, but yo, speak, I, I need to get, start working on the massages and the care.

• 58:11Theo Von?

  You gotta do it, man.

• 58:12Speaker 01

  Can't just go in and do push-ups, pull-ups and sit-ups at our age anymore. It's like, you need the care. You need a massage a week, is it? Is that what the numbers are for you?

• 58:20Theo Von?

  Yeah, I'll do two. Like, right now, this week, I'm trying to get extra when it's just like, um, I got a couple of busy weeks coming up and so I just gotta, like, now's the time, I gotta tap in and just see if I can, you know, make sure I'm taking care of myself. And I'm fortunate enough to be able to do it, right? Like, I know some guys, they have families, they're working every day, you know, like, uh, you know, they work like, uh, daytime hours, so it's hard to find time to go. So, yeah. I just feel lucky that I'm able to go do it. But, yeah, I like to go into that joint where it's low-key, dude. They used to have a place in LA, give it due forty dollars, two Viet's would fucking beat the shit out of you.

• 58:49Speaker 01

  Yo.

• 58:50Theo Von?

  With the fucking nose.

• 58:51Speaker 01

  Viet Congs?

• 58:52Theo Von?

  Uh, I don't know. I didn't see their cocks, but I did. Like, one of them looked heavy.

• 58:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 58:56Theo Von?

  Or he looked like his stomach was tight because it was moving around a big cock. Ever seen somebody like that?

• 59:00Speaker 01

  Hundred percent, dude.

• 59:01Theo Von?

  Like, not even in good shape. You see their abs and like, what the fuck? And then you see like, oh, he's fucking, he's carrying, you know?

• 59:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 59:07Theo Von?

  He's got a couple of pallets full on him.

• 59:09Speaker 01

  Kobayashi, the hot dog eating champion, he was always shredded because he had that, you know?

• 59:13Theo Von?

  He's got that thing on him, you think?

• 59:14Speaker 01

  He's got that, a hundred percent, he's got that Nathan's.

• 59:17Theo Von?

  Oof. Oh, that Nathan's is long and lean, though.

• 59:20Speaker 01

  Full of nitrates.

• 59:22Theo Von?

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• 1:00:04Theo Von?

  Yep, when you're hiring the wrong law firm, you may be beat before you start. All law firms are not the same. If you're ever injured, you can check out Morgan & Morgan. Their fee is free unless they win. For more information, you can go to forthepeople.com/theo or dial pound law, pound 529. You ever realize that you spent your entire morning thinking about lunch? It's 9:00 a.m. and somehow I'm already in negotiations with myself about how I'm gonna spend $20 on a sandwich at noon. And then I eat it, or you eat it, or somebody eats it, and then an hour later, you're just standing in the kitchen worrying about what you'll do for dinner.

• 1:00:48Theo Von?

  And that's one reason why I've been into Huell. The Black Edition Powder is a complete meal you have instead of food, not a shake on top of food. Their powder starts at less than $3 per meal, has 40 grams of protein, and mixes with water or milk in about 30 seconds. I like Huell's shakes because they're clean and it's quick. Sometimes I just want to make sure I have everything I need to keep going the way I want to keep going in a healthy manner. So with Huell, basically, lunch went from a daily logistical problem to a thing I can solve in about 30 seconds. Make healthy eating simple. New customers get an exclusive offer of 15% off online with my code WEEKEND at huell.com/weekend.

• 1:01:33Theo Von?

  That's H-U-E-L dot com slash weekend. Thank you to Huell for partnering and supporting our show. From your cell phone, that's F-O-R-thepeople.com/theo or pound L-A-W, pound 529 from your cell. This is a paid advertisement.

• 1:01:53Speaker 01

  Yo, I knew you weren't gonna, I knew, I knew you weren't in LA. You were an LA guy, but I knew that you were gonna come back home. I knew you were gonna come back home. Yep, cuz I feel like, I just feel like you, um...

• 1:02:08Speaker 01

  You belong here.

• 1:02:09Theo Von?

  I'm not from here.

• 1:02:10Speaker 01

  No, no, but in the.

• 1:02:11Theo Von?

  Oh, in the realm here?

• 1:02:12Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:02:13Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah. Yeah, man, I think you're right.

• 1:02:15Speaker 01

  You belong in the, like, a 200-mile radius, and it's here.

• 1:02:18Theo Von?

  I feel, I feel really nice here. I feel lucky to be here. I feel like we're in a, like, I do feel like Tennessee is like a place that's, uh, it's caring, it feels more normal, and it's like, um, and it's fun, and it's like, I don't know, everything doesn't feel like it's for sale.

• 1:02:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, like, it feels there's a genuineness to it all here, where not everything is about entertainment here. You could, you know what I mean? Like, you're an entertainer, but your neighbor's probably not.

• 1:02:48Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:48Speaker 01

  We're in LA, your neighbor probably is, or if they weren't at some point, they wanted to be. So it's, it's, it's, it's a tough thing to always be around that.

• 1:02:57Theo Von?

  Well, in Hollywood, I think, I mean, Hollywood's even losing a lot of the film industry. Bring up what's causing production to leave Los Angeles.

• 1:03:04Speaker 01

  Tax credits, AI, um, earthquakes, tsunamis. Dude, Beverly Hills looks like Saudi Arabia.

• 1:03:13Theo Von?

  Um, let me see. States like Georgia, New Mexico, and Nevada, plus countries such as Canada and the UK, offer healthier tax incentives. Uh, the cost of living and operating in Los Angeles has significantly increased. Hollywood endured major strikes because of, and a lot of that's because of greed.

• 1:03:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:03:30Theo Von?

  The aftermath of COVID-19, which a lot of them helped push through the fucking celebrities and bullshit.

• 1:03:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:03:36Theo Von?

  So it's nice just to see a lot of this shit coming back and to bite people in the ass. Studios are cutting production budgets and scaling back local projects due to declining streaming numbers, reduced programming by networks, and a fall in box office revenues. Wildfires, I mean, yeah, they, dude, the fact that they didn't even have water in that reservoir, the fact that there's issues with, like, hundreds of millions of dollars they raised from fire aid that's not even going to people that have, it's like, what is even going on? That place just feels like such a scam. And I think people with, uh, heartbeats are starting to kind of realize it. And now, I don't mean, like, that's just Hollywood, I'm saying. I'm not talking about the people, really, that are there. I mean, they know what, who I'm talking about, but it's not like the everyday people that's just there, that's hustling, that love their neighborhoods and shit. I'm not talking about that.

• 1:04:22Speaker 01

  Right, right, yeah, yeah. Uh, LA OGs.

• 1:04:25Theo Von?

  Yeah, I'm just talking about how Hollywood, how they're losing that industry. And, yeah, and maybe some guy like Mom Donnie will come along there, and they'll start to, like, You know, it'd be nice to see eventually that people that don't have all the means get to have more of the things, you know?

• 1:04:42Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:04:42Theo Von?

  Cause it starts to get gluttonous and it starts to get kinda sick.

• 1:04:45Speaker 01

  Well, it starts and then you look back at history. That's why I love history so much and do the history pod because you look back at like the French Revolution, right? In the seventeen nineties. That's what happened, man, is the wage gap started to get crazy and the rich just kept getting richer and then what? And then they just stormed the Bastille and they cut off the king and queen's head, Marie Antoinette.

• 1:05:06Theo Von?

  Fuck yeah.

• 1:05:06Speaker 01

  Let him eat cake, but she supposedly didn't say that. Well, she definitely didn't say that. But, and then they cut off the king, King Louis' dome piece. In the beginning, if you've ever seen the movie Napoleon with Joaquin Phoenix, that's the first scene that they show. And that's that wage gap is starting to broaden just like them days now.

• 1:05:23Theo Von?

  Dude, I wanna be on a horse with the revolutionaries.

• 1:05:27Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:05:28Theo Von?

  And I know that I've made money in my life now and it's different, but I'll never have money in my heart. And yeah, I wanna do some things that towards the end of this year and next year that are gonna start to like create ways to like give back, help people like figure things out, you know?

• 1:05:41Speaker 01

  You should buy your whole neighborhood solar roofs. Solar panel Tesla roofs.

• 1:05:46Theo Von?

  Nah, people in my neighborhood are fine. They'll be okay. I mean.

• 1:05:48Speaker 01

  Go buy for the, in the hood then.

• 1:05:50Theo Von?

  They don't, they, what are you gonna fucking charge their guns at night?

• 1:05:55Theo Von?

  No, but I think there is great ways, but I don't know. I thought about going back to my old neighborhood. We got a bunch of cool stuff in, in the coffers and some of that's just jokes.

• 1:06:02Speaker 01

  Dude.

• 1:06:02Theo Von?

  Did you see? That Ro Khanna, he's a Democratic congressman from California.

• 1:06:09Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:06:09Theo Von?

  And Thomas Massey, who's like the, who drove here in a truck that he lives in.

• 1:06:15Speaker 01

  Crazy.

• 1:06:16Theo Von?

  Parked it outside. I'm in that bitch drinking fucking raw milk with him that he got out of a goat by his home.

• 1:06:21Speaker 01

  Whoa.

• 1:06:22Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:06:22Speaker 01

  Did you get sick after?

• 1:06:23Theo Von?

  Uh, I mean, I didn't get well.

• 1:06:26Theo Von?

  You know what I'm saying? My eyes wouldn't open that, that far in the morning. They open, but just not that far, but.

• 1:06:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:06:32Theo Von?

  But anyway, they come up with this petition. Uh, it's a bipartisan effort, it says right here. In the US House of Representatives launched in September to force a vote on releasing all federal files related to the Jeffrey Epstein case. The petition takes the form of a discharge petition, which allows a resolution or bill to bypass regular committee procedures and be brought directly to the House floor for a vote. I mean, don't you think it's crazy that they won't release this? What do you like? Do you have a take on what do you think is going on with all this?

• 1:06:59Speaker 01

  With the Epstein stuff?

• 1:07:00Theo Von?

  Yeah, I mean, it just seems like, how could they not like? Does it feel like our government is protecting pedophiles to you?

• 1:07:08Speaker 01

  I mean, probably, but again, I don't know, because there's so much mismatch. Like, there's so many things happening here. So you look here and vice versa, that I really don't know, because, you know, the whole thing was about those missing second or second or one or two seconds of this Epstein tape, and then they just, the government just released the tape unedited. And there's nothing that happens in those two seconds. So there's nobody that came in or came out of it. Now, could there be some more advanced technology we don't even know about? That they're just making things happen? Probably, but I don't know. I really don't know. I try, there are times where I find myself going down a rabbit hole of it. And then I try to take myself out and say, how does that? Even if they are protecting pedophiles, how does that help me or hurt me in any way, shape or form?

• 1:07:53Speaker 01

  It's like, dude, just go make your kid an avocado toast.

• 1:07:56Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:56Speaker 01

  Just go literally try to.

• 1:07:58Theo Von?

  Right, do the next right thing.

• 1:07:59Speaker 01

  I just try to, I try to make it small. I try to make my life small now, man. I'm like, I don't know, dude, I don't know Epstein, I don't know Trump. I've never met these people, so I can't have them affecting my life on a daily basis. I'm like, what are my kids gonna do, man? I'm like, you know, like.

• 1:08:14Theo Von?

  That's what's important.

• 1:08:15Speaker 01

  Should I help? Yeah, how can I help my kids learn? How, you know, we, my stepson can't, you know, he's, the way he throws a baseball is like, we gotta fix that.

• 1:08:24Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:08:24Speaker 01

  You know, my daughter.

• 1:08:25Theo Von?

  Like Piazza throws it on?

• 1:08:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, dude, she wants to do cheerleading and she keeps falling off the pyramid. So I'm like, you know, man, I wanna do, I wanna, I wanna get into this, but I'm also like.

• 1:08:36Theo Von?

  I don't have time.

• 1:08:36Speaker 01

  Dude, like, one of my kids is eight years old and still in a diaper. So I gotta fix that. You know what I mean? So that's what I do. And either none of us do it or all of us do it. That's what I say. I tell my, you know, I don't tell my kids that. I tell my, but I tell my kids other gems where I'm like, do the right thing, even if nobody's looking. Do the right thing. You do the right thing even when no one's looking.

• 1:08:57Theo Von?

  Like Spike Lee.

• 1:08:58Speaker 01

  Exactly. So you do the right thing even when no one's looking. So, you know what I mean? And that's what my, and that's what my daughter, I think that's what my daughter does. I mean, you know, with the whole ICE stuff.

• 1:09:08Theo Von?

  Oh, I think it's obviously at least she's involved and at least she has some political or social awareness.

• 1:09:13Speaker 01

  That's what I'm saying, I don't.

• 1:09:14Theo Von?

  Right, but you, you have to make time so that they do.

• 1:09:17Speaker 01

  Exactly, so I keep the space.

• 1:09:19Theo Von?

  I'm gonna pivot right here, I wanna talk about, uh, you, cause last time you were on, we had an extensive conversation, I think it was Valentine's Day, Valentine's Day was coming up and we talked about love and we literally talked about it for about two hours. You got engaged finally, for the second time, is that right?

• 1:09:35Speaker 01

  Second time, first time, we did it, it was like, you know, cause we had a baby so quick and I wanted to do it, but it was really just Catholic guilt wanting to do it and then, and then we split up for a while and that's what happens sometimes, you split up with someone and then, you know, you kinda realize what you got, you know that saying, you don't realize, know what you got till it's gone.

• 1:09:55Theo Von?

  It's gone.

• 1:09:56Speaker 01

  And then, so that's what her, Jasmine and I have been together now for Jesus, 11, 12 years and, you know, we're getting engaged because, we got engaged because, you know, we got kids, you know, we got three kids.

• 1:10:08Theo Von?

  Yeah, and you're a family now.

• 1:10:09Speaker 01

  We're a family now and I said, what, like.

• 1:10:11Theo Von?

  You have three kids or two kids?

• 1:10:13Speaker 01

  Well, two biological and one.

• 1:10:14Theo Von?

  And one extra kid.

• 1:10:15Speaker 01

  One extra kid, right.

• 1:10:16Theo Von?

  Do you believe, how does love change over time for you guys? How has it changed?

• 1:10:25Speaker 01

  Well, I realize that it's not a feeling, it's an action, that's how it's evolved to me.

• 1:10:30Theo Von?

  Tell me about that a little bit.

• 1:10:31Speaker 01

  We've heard that before, that love is an action, but.

• 1:10:32Theo Von?

  Wait, like, tell me a little more?

• 1:10:33Speaker 01

  Meaning like, to me, the, the first sense that I felt anytime I ever saw, what I felt when I first saw Jasmine.

• 1:10:43Theo Von?

  I remember you told me at a bar, you guys were at a place.

• 1:10:45Speaker 01

  It was, yeah.

• 1:10:46Theo Von?

  It was a volleyball bar?

• 1:10:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, called Place to Beach in Brooklyn.

• 1:10:50Theo Von?

  Yeah, it was a pun.

• 1:10:51Speaker 01

  And I, yeah, and then I felt, and they got shut down, uh, because they were selling the fake vaccine card.

• 1:10:56Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, first of all, dude, look, yeah. Dude, there's nothing like meeting an illegal alien at a fake vaccine card shop.

• 1:11:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, it was amazing.

• 1:11:06Theo Von?

  If your marriage doesn't start out like that in America, then fuck you, I think.

• 1:11:09Speaker 01

  So, so she, um, so I felt this feeling, like when I saw her, like she like stopped me in my tracks, like this like feeling, I can't, I still.

• 1:11:17Theo Von?

  Like indigestion or something, but in your legs?

• 1:11:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, I thought I was having a heart attack, I thought maybe because me and my boy Pat, we were eating like so much pepperoni and so I was like, oh, maybe it's that. Maybe it's finally catching up to me, a Pepto Bismol, nothing worked. And then so, and so I realized like that was like, I thought that was love, but that was more of like an infatuation, that was more of like a lust, that was more like me just taken in by her beauty, like the, you know, that. Oh, yeah. And so that's powerful, that's necessary. And then I went through with that feeling for years, thinking like that was love, and then we would have all these problems, and I was always looking for something else, I was always pushing her away, then I'd get closer, she'd push me away and all these things. And I realized like, oh, these are just, that, that was, that wasn't love. Love to me was inaction.

• 1:12:01Speaker 01

  What I realized was, all these years later, that the real love was her and I coming back together after, you know, a big fight, her showing me so much loyalty, me showing her loyalty, her being there for me when the, things were not going well for me. All those things were, that's the love, the action, love is inaction, and I, and I see her do that for me. Cause I used to think, I used to think that she, you know, I, I would always be searching in my, my brain, being a bit of a perfectionist, as, as, you know, we all are, I think, in comedy, like we always want everything to go right. I would always say, oh, you know, she's not, she's not, uh, perfect.

• 1:12:44Speaker 01

  Um, so I gotta, you're looking for something else, your brain is always like, what's the next best thing? What's the next best thing? And then, you know, at some point to you, you say, okay, I can go get this or get that, and then looking for what's perfect, what's perfect. And then I realized at some point it hit me, I was like, oh, she actually is perfect, because she's, she's taking me in from all, all my imperfections. She's understanding how imperfect I am, and still accepting me anyway. So that's, that is like someone who's perfect, because a lot of people wouldn't do that, a lot of people would have just thrown me to the side by now, been like, hey, figure it out, cause she knows I love my kids, she knows I'm always gonna take care of her. Right. You know, so it wasn't about the money, it wasn't about, oh, I, I need a man in my life, it's about specifically me. She's taking me in for my imperfections.

• 1:13:26Speaker 01

  So for me, that, that makes her perfect to me, and, and after all these years, I've realized that all that, and the action of love, and, and, you know, what we have with our children and building a family, like there's- Nothing that your life is happening right now and I have like a perfect life right now. And I don't live in the zero sum game anymore. It used to be if my career was down, I'd be unhappy. If, if, if I wasn't feeling in, if I was feeling out of shape, I'd be unhappy. One thing could make it all unhappy because I was playing zero sum. It's either all or nothing. I don't do that anymore. I'll say some things in my life are up and downs. Everybody's life, it's all, it's all in flux.

• 1:14:02Theo Von?

  How were you able to adjust that? Like, was there something that happened that made you sort of see that? Cause that's pretty powerful to hear about, man. Cause yeah, I think I, I've, I've certainly had that. Like one thing will affect kind of how I operate for the rest of the day. And then, or affects how I think about myself.

• 1:14:15Speaker 01

  Well, I think children, that's why it's important, you know, in my life personally, people do what they want. But for me, abort all your kids, whatever you want to do. In New York City, you could kill them all up, I think till they're 18. I think you can have legal abortions. That's what AOC said.

• 1:14:28Theo Von?

  Oh, you can send a kid to Gaza and Israel will kill them.

• 1:14:32Speaker 01

  Mom Donnie's gonna make it 21, he said.

• 1:14:33Theo Von?

  Is he?

• 1:14:34Speaker 01

  That's what he said. That's what the platform, some people are voting for that. You can abortions up to their kids are 21. So, um, but what I felt like, you know, how I learned all that is literally just by like listening to my kids and, and watching what my kids kind of want from me and expect from me. And, and I realized that, you know, you, you could spend your whole life thinking about, oh, what's gonna happen tomorrow? Always being, you know, always being, um, you know, there's something's better, something's better on the horizon. You can spend your whole life like, and then your whole life goes by. So I've realized to like be in the, like, nothing's better to me. Like what's better than, you know, you know, a Lamborghini or selling out a world tour or having sex with the hottest girls?

• 1:15:17Speaker 01

  Like, you know, just sitting in the grass with your kids like that. And it's not for everybody. And, and also at times it's not even for me. At times I'm sitting in the grass with my kids. I'm like, this sucks. I want to go drive in a Lamborghini. But, but.

• 1:15:29Theo Von?

  But it's not a zero sum game.

• 1:15:30Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 1:15:30Theo Von?

  Like you're saying.

• 1:15:31Speaker 01

  But those moments that I do have when I am fully locked in, I'm always chasing that. If I'm chasing one thing, I'm always chasing those. I've had feeling throughout my life of being locked in with my family. I've never had a euphoria as like that. I've never been happier than that. And it doesn't happen all the time. At times I'm home, my family trying to say, find that feeling and I just can't, you know, find it, but I don't beat myself up about it anymore. I'm like, yo, just keep coming. Yannis and I, Yannis talks to me a lot about going back, life is coming back to the present. Always come back to the present, always come back to the moment. That's always, that's, that's your job. Come back to the moment as, as much as you can throughout the day. Come back to the moment because it's all happening now. I, I try to be where my feet are like there. There was a time when I was talking to you, the last time we spoke about love and on Valentine's Day.

• 1:16:16Speaker 01

  Half of my brain was with you and then half of my brain was probably back home at my kids or, you know, what I was doing after that or my show, but now I'm fully locked in just with you. I, I've, that's one thing I have definitely can feel I've gotten better. I just, I'm where my feet are. I'm fully with you right now. And then when I leave, I'll, I'll fully be with, you know, the driver and then I'll, and then, you know, when I speak to my family, I'll fully be with them.

• 1:16:38Theo Von?

  Hmm.

• 1:16:38Speaker 01

  You know what I mean? And I'll fully be with an Asian dude in the bathroom at BNA airport, baby.

• 1:16:43Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:44Speaker 01

  Right? He's got Viet Cong, Viet Cong's got me. Yeah, I got this camera shoes. So that, so that's how I feel. I don't know if I've explained it correctly.

• 1:16:52Theo Von?

  Round trip to Saigon.

• 1:16:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, Guantanamo Bay. So I don't know if I explained it right.

• 1:16:56Theo Von?

  No, I think you did.

• 1:16:57Speaker 01

  That's what it is.

• 1:16:58Theo Von?

  Well, I think it's funny you said, when you say something that it's like, yeah, I let my mind like, uh, I'll have a thought and then my mind will multiply it.

• 1:17:07Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:17:07Theo Von?

  Kind of, I'll have a feeling or one bad thing will happen, something that's not my favorite.

• 1:17:12Speaker 01

  Well, because the brain is going to go towards connections. That's the connective tissue. That's why they say those mushrooms, uh, or acid, like one of them is good because they say it wipes away your.

• 1:17:20Theo Von?

  Opioids. I can't, which one is it?

• 1:17:21Speaker 01

  They say one of them, something on Joe Rogan said that.

• 1:17:23Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:23Speaker 01

  I don't know, but, but that, but that feeling, it's like this thing where I thought, I was thinking about this the other day, like the, you know, like to be happy. Me and Yannis were having a conversation about this and he had different feelings, but I was kind of saying like, You know, faith, you gotta have faith. Like, you know, people talk about hope and all that, but I feel like faith is, is, to me, is better. Like, it's faith is on a creator and like, hope is just-

• 1:17:48Theo Von?

  Hope is just gay faith.

• 1:17:50Speaker 01

  It's just, exactly. Hope is gay faith. That's the merch. So faith, so I, we, you gotta have faith that like tomorrow will be better. So it kinda goes against what I just said, but on the same hand, it's like simultaneously, I think this balance of life is have, have faith. You know, w- w- we had to get out of the caves, basically, as, you know, Neanderthals, we were getting at. You had to get out of the cave, like, to go survive and advance and all that. So it's like, you gotta have this faith that there's a better life outside the cave by also acknowledging simultaneously that what you have in the cave is enough. So it's a, it's a delicate, life is just balance, you know what I mean?

• 1:18:25Theo Von?

  Dude, my uncle, he used to tickle us, right? And the only way we could get him to stop, you had to say the N-word to get him to stop.

• 1:18:30Speaker 01

  Right, right. That's my, I have the same uncle like that, and the only way, you'd say, it's not tickle, but you say the N-word, it's the only way to get him to come. So when he asked, because he wants to give a, you know, like donate a sperm. So he wouldn't be able to do it, the prostate wouldn't work, nothing, so, but, because he's got such potent sperm. So if you yelled the N-word, he'd bust a nut. And then that's how he was able to get back to his community by helping some of the ladies who were infertile make more babies.

• 1:18:55Theo Von?

  Oh, you yell the N-word, so the whites will pop out, you know? They, they're like, what's going on out there?

• 1:19:00Speaker 01

  Right, and he's black.

• 1:19:02Theo Von?

  Your uncle's black?

• 1:19:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:19:03Theo Von?

  That's good.

• 1:19:04Speaker 01

  I have one black uncle. I actually have a Puerto Rican uncle, for real. Um, he passed away, he was dope, dude, he, um, true story, somebody robbed my mom coming down the block. And they were robbing women, taking their purses, they took my mom's purse and multiple other ladies' purses. And then they would sell, uh, you know, like, uh, take their money, and it was running out of the back of a bodega. That, you know, they had, like, steal their money, sell their stuff, whatever, sell their license, I don't know. And my uncle would go to that bodega and drink beers and chill, and he heard them talking in Spanish about, oh, they just took this lady's purse. And he was saying like to himself, he's like, oh, I think, I think that's my sister-in-law, right?

• 1:19:46Speaker 01

  So he didn't like this guy already, so they got drunk, and then he brought him, he had a whole, um, craft shed, like a, like a, uh, uh, like a tool shed in my garage. And he had, uh, he, he took this guy back to the garage, he thought they were just gonna drink beers or whatever, and then he tied him up. And he put on a welding mask, and he welded the skin off his knees. For stealing from my mom and then he gave my mom all her money back and all that and he had fossilized this guy's knee skin.

• 1:20:11Theo Von?

  Fuck.

• 1:20:12Speaker 01

  Dead serious. He was crazy dude.

• 1:20:15Theo Von?

  Fuck.

• 1:20:15Speaker 01

  And he would drive me to school.

• 1:20:16Theo Von?

  I don't know if I want you here anymore.

• 1:20:17Speaker 01

  He would drive me to school. He's dead though, that guy.

• 1:20:19Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:20Speaker 01

  I mean, I was a little kid. They didn't tell me till I was an adult.

• 1:20:23Theo Von?

  I don't, I feel bad for everybody in that.

• 1:20:26Speaker 01

  Right. Yeah, but the guy was robbing purses. He didn't kill him. He just melted the skin off his knees.

• 1:20:31Theo Von?

  I, I think sometimes you gotta have some serious measures.

• 1:20:35Theo Von?

  Yeah, man, I, you know, I, I like finding that, yeah. Finding love and committing to it and realizing that the rest of the stuff is distraction. You know?

• 1:20:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, but also too, I mean, I say all that stuff, but I also don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

• 1:20:48Theo Von?

  Right, but you know what you're talking about for you and you're trying your best. I don't think you can say that.

• 1:20:51Speaker 01

  You know what, you know what?

• 1:20:52Theo Von?

  Cause you seem insane.

• 1:20:53Speaker 01

  No, but you know what I've been realizing too, like just about? Me, I mean, like, you know, cause I'm only me. Like there's moments of the day, almost every day. Where I'll have some like intuitive, I'll say something like so intuitive and tight. But I'll say it like, like only once in a while does that get captured on the camera. Like when I'm supposed to be doing my job here. I'm just babbling. I don't know what I'm talking about, but I'll like get on the plane tonight and have a conversation with the person next to me and it'll be like next level.

• 1:21:24Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:24Speaker 01

  On. And so I, I wonder about that.

• 1:21:27Theo Von?

  No, I think people sometimes.

• 1:21:29Speaker 01

  You ever do that?

• 1:21:29Theo Von?

  Oh yeah, I have conversations in my head. I'll listen back.

• 1:21:34Theo Von?

  I'll, after I get like, I'll be listening to the edit of an episode, just watching through.

• 1:21:40Theo Von?

  And, uh, and I'll be like, why didn't I ask that? They should have asked this. That's insane not to ask that right there. But I think it's just where your brain is and what you can handle and what you like do and, and, and take on at the moment.

• 1:21:54Theo Von?

  Oh, did you see, there's a clip of a woman took a man into the mall?

• 1:21:59Theo Von?

  And made him walk. He cheated and she made him walk. With a sign on, you see that?

• 1:22:04Speaker 01

  No, but this is awesome.

• 1:22:12Theo Von?

  And this guy has a sign on it says, "I had a two-year affair." "Ask me how," it says.

• 1:22:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:22:29Theo Von?

  This feels real to me, do you?

• 1:22:30Speaker 01

  It, yeah, it feels real, but to me, it's like...

• 1:22:33Theo Von?

  Is this valuable, do you think? Is this the kind of stuff we need to keep marriages together?

• 1:22:36Speaker 01

  No, I, I, I would, I would, you know, get a divorce, dude. You don't want to be with her.

• 1:22:41Theo Von?

  Well, he should have gotten a divorce than to go ahead and have a more family.

• 1:22:45Speaker 01

  The good thing about, like, you know, my lady is if, if, if that, you know, if I ever had a two-year affair, which I haven't, but if I ever had a two-year affair, she would never do this. She would punch me directly in my spleen.

• 1:22:56Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:22:57Speaker 01

  She would hit, she would, that's what would happen for that. Like, she would find an organ, she's good, and she's lefty.

• 1:23:01Theo Von?

  Other flyweights are welterweights.

• 1:23:02Speaker 01

  And she would hit it with the, probably with the ring on. So she'd hit me hard in the spleen, pancreas, something like that. And she would just, that's what I would do, and I would kind of shit blood or piss blood.

• 1:23:12Theo Von?

  Like an Irish Mickey Ward or whatever.

• 1:23:13Speaker 01

  For a little while, yeah. But then, then she would probably make me plantainos or some, you know, dish, the maduros, the smashed plantainos. She would make it for me maybe a couple of nights later.

• 1:23:21Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:23:21Speaker 01

  She'd be all right. But see, like, what this is, like, this I don't like, you know? And also, I mean, there's a part of me that also doesn't believe it. I just, because of how much content is out there, I just don't believe that it's always real. But, you know, she, uh...

• 1:23:36Theo Von?

  Why would he go do this? She just, if her, if it's not real, her acting is pretty good in this video.

• 1:23:42Speaker 01

  Well, he's, you know, I mean, he, I mean, yeah, that's bitch boy behavior. I mean, I would never...

• 1:23:46Theo Von?

  Well, here's the thing, they brought the baby. Is the baby real? Can you zoom in and see if the baby's moving at all?

• 1:23:53Speaker 01

  Is that, yeah, I don't know. Doesn't even look like there's a baby in there. Oh, there it is, yeah, there's its feet.

• 1:23:58Theo Von?

  So that's pretty real. Who's gonna give somebody a fake baby to go make this?

• 1:24:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, and that's kind of whack, like, if you got to see her parents, I don't think, I mean, I get what she's trying to do, but it's whack all around. I mean, he's whack, she's whack, they both just look like they suck. And they both do look like prototypical podcast fans.

• 1:24:13Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:24:14Speaker 01

  These are exactly what the fans of the podcast look like. These kinds of people, you got a fat, older lady, and just a skinny guy who looks kind of dirty.

• 1:24:21Theo Von?

  She's not even older.

• 1:24:22Speaker 01

  Yes, she is.

• 1:24:24Theo Von?

  What? She look like, she's 25!

• 1:24:26Speaker 01

  Too old, baby.

• 1:24:29Theo Von?

  Wow, bro.

• 1:24:30Speaker 01

  Two oh, oh, you oh.

• 1:24:32Theo Von?

  But what did she tell him? You have to do this or what?

• 1:24:35Speaker 01

  She probably said, you have to do this or what? Or I'm gonna like, well, see, that's the thing. Cause normally it's like, oh, or I'll tweet out your messages. I'll contact this girl.

• 1:24:44Theo Von?

  So whatever, she was gonna maybe blast him.

• 1:24:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, but, but this is worse. I'd rather that. I'd rather, I'd rather that than go ahead. Tell everyone you've ever met because I don't want to do this.

• 1:24:55Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:24:55Speaker 01

  I don't believe, and I bet you if you scroll through the comments, the, most people are saying this isn't real.

• 1:25:00Theo Von?

  Let's see.

• 1:25:01Speaker 01

  I don't think it's real.

• 1:25:02Theo Von?

  Let me see. She entirely, I'm asking her husband, she should have just left him.

• 1:25:09Speaker 01

  Do you believe, like, how many of these comments do you think are real people? And have you ever commented like?

• 1:25:14Theo Von?

  That's a great point.

• 1:25:15Speaker 01

  On a video?

• 1:25:16Theo Von?

  You're right. It's all a mirage.

• 1:25:17Speaker 01

  Right, like?

• 1:25:18Theo Von?

  It's all.

• 1:25:18Speaker 01

  I feel like it's getting to the point now where it might be like over 50% of the people that comment on your stuff are bots.

• 1:25:24Theo Von?

  Well, especially with AI, it's like they can make so many things are bots. Like, AI is so capable of like, act more human when you comment. Like you can do all that. It's like, we're watching a, like, it's kinda crazy to think that our reality has become science fiction.

• 1:25:40Speaker 01

  Right, but I, but it's the reality on the social media platforms and on the internet.

• 1:25:44Theo Von?

  Science fiction? No, our reality has become fiction.

• 1:25:47Speaker 01

  But then what's science fiction?

• 1:25:49Theo Von?

  Smart fiction. Which this, which it really is because it's definitely like tricks us a lot.

• 1:25:56Speaker 01

  Right, dude. I know, yeah, I don't, uh, I don't know, dude. I know Jussie Smollett's probably innocent. I watched a Netflix documentary.

• 1:26:03Theo Von?

  Oh, do you think I could play Jussie Smollett in a biopic?

• 1:26:08Speaker 01

  Well, I told you, especially from the future. Cause as you said in the beginning of the show, you're a black woman from the future. So I think that you could, and I think I, um, I think that you could play Jussie Smollett and you could play the attackers. With the Nigerian dudes. One of, I think you could play any of those three. I think you're a good actor.

• 1:26:24Theo Von?

  Thanks, dude.

• 1:26:25Speaker 01

  Even though I've never seen you act, but I have a feeling that you're a good actor.

• 1:26:28Theo Von?

  Feelings mean a lot.

• 1:26:29Speaker 01

  Dude, remember when you said, uh, on OP and Anthony or the OP show? All those years ago that I look like a deaf guy that goes to the gym?

• 1:26:38Theo Von?

  Bro, we had so much fun in there.

• 1:26:40Speaker 01

  And you know what was crazy too to watch that video? If you ever like you more you like you watch that you could watch that clip and you know, just think about like at that point in your career, like you were kind of struggling.

• 1:26:52Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:26:53Speaker 01

  Well, you said you were struggling. We thought, you know, you, you were like, I remember us going to have lunch. And you're like, man, like there was, I think you had done a show the next weekend in Sacramento Punchline. You had forgotten your pants and you had to take the opener's pants.

• 1:27:05Theo Von?

  Oh, yes.

• 1:27:07Speaker 01

  Don, the guy, Don DePetta, you had to take his pants.

• 1:27:09Theo Von?

  I remember that.

• 1:27:11Speaker 01

  Cause you didn't have pants, dude, and you were, it didn't sell barely any tickets at the Sacramento Punchline. Then blew up.

• 1:27:16Theo Von?

  That was so much fun going in there, dude, going in there in the morning, going in that building and getting to go in there.

• 1:27:22Speaker 01

  Oh, it was great.

• 1:27:23Theo Von?

  There was like you were in there.

• 1:27:24Speaker 01

  Bobby Lee used to go in there and eat bull dick.

• 1:27:26Theo Von?

  There were heroes in there. Bobby ate bull dick?

• 1:27:29Speaker 01

  Yes, he ate bull dick on Opie's show. I don't know if you were on the show. Yeah, there's video of it, him eating bull dick. And then Howard Stern was there, remember? He was down the hall. That, you know, that New York Sirius XM building, it's not like that at all anymore. There's like a ghost, there's nobody, I mean, Opie and Anthony's not even a show anymore. Jim doesn't have a show anymore. Howard Stern still has a show, but he never goes in. Sway in the morning, all those shows, nobody goes in anymore. I think we got to start going into the buildings again. I don't like, oh, like, I don't think working from home is, I don't know that it's gonna last.

• 1:27:58Theo Von?

  But here we are doing it. Let's pull up this one clip right there. Bobby's bull testicle.

• 1:28:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, I was here for that. And the chef did put olive oil and some salt on it.

• 1:28:05Theo Von?

  Ooh.

• 1:28:06Speaker 01

  Wow, this was 10 years ago, see?

• 1:28:14Speaker 01

  Bobby.

• 1:28:15Theo Von?

  Is that real?

• 1:28:15Speaker 01

  That's real, dude. I was sitting across.

• 1:28:18Theo Von?

  Ooh.

• 1:28:19Speaker 01

  Then he ran out.

• 1:28:23Theo Von?

  It's not gay if you're starving, dude.

• 1:28:25Speaker 01

  You're starving. And this was before Bad Friends. He was also at this time in 2016 telling me his career was, felt like dead in the water. And now look how things can change.

• 1:28:36Theo Von?

  He's one of the best bad friends you could have right there. Oh, he just pulled the nuts off of it.

• 1:28:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, he pulled the nuts. Yeah.

• 1:28:40Theo Von?

  Oh, and he bit into him.

• 1:28:41Speaker 01

  He ate into the nuts. He vomited. Yeah, I think he runs. He runs out of the, he runs out of the studio and I, I went after him and he still, he was vomiting for real.

• 1:28:48Theo Von?

  Oh, that's a Christmas carrot right there.

• 1:28:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, see, look, he ran out. He ran out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's dead now, Carl, unfortunately.

• 1:28:54Theo Von?

  I know. A lot of people ask for this. So was Vic Henley right there.

• 1:28:57Speaker 01

  Vic Henley, yeah, unfortunately.

• 1:29:00Theo Von?

  Well, I think the one thing you that we can count on, man, is just love. It's like, that's what you, I think, like, that's one of the messages I feel like from our conversation today. It's like, you know, there's a lot going on in the world. You focus on the things that are in front of you and the things you can handle. And that is really what's important.

• 1:29:14Speaker 01

  Make your life a little smaller. That's what I try to tell my kids, man. There's so many things going on in the world. Yeah, take little breaks. It's like, there's travesty happening all over the world. You can't fix everything, but you know what I mean? You could sweep up in front of your crib. You could sweep up in front of the house, take the garbage out, you know, tell your neighbors to try not to be Nazis if they can. You know what I mean?

• 1:29:32Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:29:33Speaker 01

  Do the right thing, even when nobody's watching. All that. Comparison is the thief of joy. Hope is my hedge. Faith are my facts. I am okay.

• 1:29:42Theo Von?

  Hope is gay faith.

• 1:29:44Speaker 01

  Hope is gay faith. Faith is also a big time name for gay women. Gay ass faith.

• 1:29:51Theo Von?

  Well, next time we talk, we should talk about how certain names could lead people down certain sexual paths.

• 1:29:57Speaker 01

  My name, well, Christopher, my dad, he purposely calls me Christopher and not Chris because he believes that if a man goes with their full first name, that means they're gay. So he will, he basically calls me gay.

• 1:30:10Theo Von?

  Okay.

• 1:30:10Speaker 01

  Like as a joke, but he calls me, he calls me Christopher. It's really like he's saying you're gay. And Paul, they.

• 1:30:16Theo Von?

  Sorry, dude, I gotta interrupt you, but we gotta, you have to go. You're gonna miss your flight.

• 1:30:20Speaker 01

  I gotta go. I gotta go to Chicago, dude.

• 1:30:23Theo Von?

  Dude, I love you. History Hyenas is back. People can check it out. You're on tour with some tour dates. We'll make sure we put them all up and talk about them in the beginning. And I love you, man. Good to see you.

• 1:30:32Speaker 01

  Love you, brother. You too, man.

• 1:31:01Speaker 02

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