Kumail Nanjiani Returns Again

Comedian and actor Kumail Nanjiani feels twitterpated about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Kumail sits down with Conan to discuss his new special Kumail Nanjiani: Night Thoughts, old lady drug dealers, how he’s been received internationally, and the real-life coming of age experience that inspired a favorite Silicon Valley scene. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: (669) 587-2847.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:02Conan O'Brien?

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• 0:50Conan O'Brien?

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• 1:30Speaker 01

  Hi, my name is Kumail Nanjiani.

• 1:35Speaker 01

  And I feel Twitter-pated about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Oh, that's huge.

• 2:02Conan O'Brien?

  Hello and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. I am sitting here with Sonam of Sessian, Matt Gourley.

• 2:08Speaker 02

  Hello.

• 2:08Conan O'Brien?

  What's that?

• 2:09Speaker 02

  I said hello.

• 2:10Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 2:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:11Conan O'Brien?

  You brought up an issue.

• 2:12Speaker 02

  You doodled this cool-looking guy.

• 2:15Conan O'Brien?

  I doodled this guy. He's wearing, I don't know why I doodled him, but he's

• 2:18Speaker 03

  That's awesome.

• 2:19Conan O'Brien?

  He's wearing farmer's overalls. I don't know that he has a shirt on. He's got a big mustache.

• 2:24Speaker 02

  But that's why I was gonna ask.

• 2:25Conan O'Brien?

  I don't know why I drew this guy. I don't know who this guy is.

• 2:26Speaker 02

  You guys both love the 70s so much, which I think is very mustache-heavy. And I'm just curious why you guys have never, like, you've never grown a mustache.

• 2:35Speaker 03

  I've had a mustache before.

• 2:37Speaker 02

  Just a mustache.

• 2:37Speaker 03

  Just a mustache. Not for long. In theory, I really wanna do it. In my mind, Sam Elliott. In the mirror, Ned Flanders.

• 2:46Conan O'Brien?

  So you come out as Ned Flanders?

• 2:47Speaker 03

  I think so.

• 2:48Conan O'Brien?

  I think that my mustache doesn't, well, first of all, I've had a beard

• 2:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:54Conan O'Brien?

  and accompanying mustache. But a mustache alone, I would look sort of like Michael Caine in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. You know, like, it's

• 3:07Speaker 03

  But that's not a horrible look.

• 3:08Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, no. What I'm saying is, it's Michael Caine, so he can do anything, because he's Michael Caine. I just, it's, it would be kind of thin, and I think I would come across as evil. I think my true evil and pervy would come out. And I just did something, I did a shoot where they put a small mustache on me. And so I can show it to you, and you know what? I look like a creep.

• 3:35Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 3:35Conan O'Brien?

  I think it's just perv. But if you can indulge me for a second, which I know you can.

• 3:40Speaker 03

  Let me see if I have one, too.

• 3:41Speaker 02

  Well, I'm just gonna say, my dad has always had a mustache, and he's the coolest guy I know. So I just, if I was a guy, I feel like I'd have a mustache.

• 3:48Conan O'Brien?

  Hey, if I had your dad's mustache, then fine.

• 3:51Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 3:51Conan O'Brien?

  And I've tried to imitate your dad's mustache many times.

• 3:55Speaker 02

  No, you don't, you don't, taking a dinner napkin and putting it above your mouth is not, is not

• 4:00Conan O'Brien?

  How many times have I sent you pictures I've taken of me on a plane, or just me out in the world, where I put a Very large white dinner napkin under my nose and say, "Look, it's your dad."

• 4:11Speaker 02

  Too many times, actually.

• 4:12Conan O'Brien?

  Too many?

• 4:13Speaker 02

  I think there's a decent amount of times and then there's too many times. But I think you're just obsessed with his mustache. Cause you guys are... Oh, we're both... We're all on our phones?

• 4:22Speaker 03

  Well, I was searching my...

• 4:23Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I'm trying to find something here.

• 4:24Speaker 02

  That's a beard, though.

• 4:25Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, here we go. Here we go. Look.

• 4:28Speaker 03

  That's not bad.

• 4:29Speaker 02

  I don't know. That looks cool to me. That's like a...

• 4:32Conan O'Brien?

  This looks cool to you?

• 4:32Speaker 02

  I wanna be friends with that guy.

• 4:34Conan O'Brien?

  Hello?

• 4:35Speaker 02

  I wanna be friends with that. You have to do it that way, though.

• 4:38Conan O'Brien?

  Look at this. Look at this guy.

• 4:39Speaker 02

  It's like a line above the mouth.

• 4:41Conan O'Brien?

  What an awful guy.

• 4:42Speaker 03

  I'm not kidding. I search my photos for me with a mustache, cause you can do like AI search of your photos now.

• 4:50Speaker 02

  What was his name again?

• 4:52Speaker 03

  Gene Shalit.

• 4:52Conan O'Brien?

  That's Gene Shalit.

• 4:53Speaker 02

  That's right.

• 4:54Conan O'Brien?

  I'm sorry. This guy is constantly being arrested. This guy is being...

• 4:57Speaker 02

  I don't know.

• 4:58Conan O'Brien?

  Look at that. He's being arrested. He's being... Right? That's a terrible guy. I don't wanna be that guy.

• 5:05Speaker 02

  I don't know. Well, Movember's coming up. Maybe you guys should grow mustaches.

• 5:09Conan O'Brien?

  What do you think?

• 5:10Speaker 03

  He's right. You don't like that guy? Have a mustache for the podcast.

• 5:13Conan O'Brien?

  What do you say? Give me your... Tell me what you think of this guy. He's a bad man. He's a bad... Look, and his eyes are dead. The mustache takes the life out of my eyes.

• 5:21Speaker 02

  But you guys need bushy, big, Sam Elliott-style mustaches. Can't you make that happen? Like, figure it out. I don't know. Is there like a merkin for faces?

• 5:31Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's called a fake mustache.

• 5:32Conan O'Brien?

  Fake mustache. Yeah, I've got seven of those in my wallet. For other reasons, you don't need to know.

• 5:38Speaker 03

  I have a picture of me with a mustache somewhere.

• 5:41Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, I got plenty of those in my car.

• 5:45Conan O'Brien?

  I'm responsible for a series of unsolved crimes.

• 5:50Speaker 02

  I don't know.

• 5:51Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 5:52Speaker 02

  It'd be cool if you guys just... You're so into the 70s and Tom Selleck and cool guys.

• 5:56Conan O'Brien?

  I've been into Tom Selleck.

• 5:58Speaker 03

  Dad, if I had a mustache, cause in the 70s, he had a mustache.

• 6:02Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, wow. Look at that guy.

• 6:03Speaker 02

  See?

• 6:03Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 6:04Speaker 02

  Oh, not... Who was the... Who's the guy?

• 6:06Conan O'Brien?

  Who?

• 6:07Speaker 02

  He's... He died. The mustache guy.

• 6:09Conan O'Brien?

  Yes. The guy with the mustache that died.

• 6:11Speaker 02

  The mustache guy who died.

• 6:13Speaker 03

  What do you mean?

• 6:14Speaker 02

  The guy with the mustache.

• 6:15Conan O'Brien?

  What are you talking about?

• 6:16Speaker 03

  There's a mustache guy.

• 6:17Speaker 02

  The really cool guy with the mustache.

• 6:19Speaker 03

  Sam Elliott's still alive.

• 6:20Speaker 02

  Not just Sam Elliott.

• 6:21Conan O'Brien?

  Theodore Roosevelt had a mustache. Theodore Roosevelt had a mustache and he's dead.

• 6:25Speaker 02

  He died. He died. He's a cool guy. For Reynolds.

• 6:28Speaker 03

  Oh, well, he died, yeah, like years ago.

• 6:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 6:31Conan O'Brien?

  You act like the mustache... He had mustache cancer.

• 6:35Conan O'Brien?

  Sir, there's nothing we can do. Well, you could shave it. I don't wanna shave it. Oh, well, then you're gonna die. Well, I guess my time is up if there's only a way.

• 6:46Speaker 02

  Moustache cancer.

• 6:48Conan O'Brien?

  You have mustache cancer.

• 6:51Conan O'Brien?

  We, we don't think we can operate. Well, what if I just shaved? Well, that would save your life. But we don't recommend it.

• 6:59Conan O'Brien?

  Why not? Because it looks cool.

• 7:02Conan O'Brien?

  What a weird thing to say.

• 7:03Speaker 02

  Oh, my god.

• 7:04Conan O'Brien?

  All right. My guest, my guest today is an actor, writer, and comedian who starred in the hit HBO series Silicon Valley. He now has a new stand-up special on Hulu called Kumail Nanjiani Night Thoughts. I am, I'm delighted with this fellow.

• 7:19Speaker 02

  He'd be cool with a mustache.

• 7:20Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, god, he's cool with anything, in my opinion.

• 7:27Conan O'Brien?

  Kumail Nanjiani, welcome.

• 7:33Conan O'Brien?

  Twitter, what?

• 7:34Speaker 01

  Twitter paid it. You know that word?

• 7:36Conan O'Brien?

  No, I don't.

• 7:36Speaker 01

  It means like obsession, but not dark obsession.

• 7:41Conan O'Brien?

  Oh.

• 7:41Speaker 01

  But it could turn dark.

• 7:42Conan O'Brien?

  It could turn very dark.

• 7:44Speaker 01

  Twitter paid it is like when you're like, you've done three dates and you're like, I think this is something, you know?

• 7:49Conan O'Brien?

  I see.

• 7:50Speaker 01

  This is that.

• 7:50Conan O'Brien?

  Well, you and I have done more than a few dates.

• 7:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's right.

• 7:54Conan O'Brien?

  I've been a fan of yours for a very long time. You were so kind to me. I'm gonna thank you on mic when I got this wonderful Mark Twain Award in Washington. And these amazing comedians came out, which is a big deal to get to. No one goes to Washington DC by accident. You, you have to go there with great intention. You guys all showed up and you came and it was, I didn't, I was not in charge. It's kind of like a surprise party. They don't tell you who's coming. They don't tell you. All I know is I'm gonna speak at the end, so I thought about that. But I didn't think about, I mean, who's gonna come to this? And I very, I think, correctly thought, I wouldn't go to this if I didn't have to. And you were hilarious.

• 8:38Conan O'Brien?

  You did a TED Talk about me and it was fan fucking-tastic.

• 8:44Conan O'Brien?

  And it meant so much to me. Thank you for being there. And you put so much thought into it and you're such a smart comic. I loved it.

• 8:52Speaker 01

  Oh, thank you. It means so much to me. I was gonna thank you for having me, but I guess I should thank your team for having me there.

• 8:59Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 8:59Speaker 01

  It really was.

• 9:00Conan O'Brien?

  You coming.

• 9:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 9:01Conan O'Brien?

  I had you on a li- you know what? I had a list of people I don't wanna see.

• 9:04Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 9:05Conan O'Brien?

  They got ahold of that list and misunderstood. They didn't read the top.

• 9:08Speaker 01

  I don't want Letterman. I don't want Adam Sandler.

• 9:12Conan O'Brien?

  No Will Ferrell.

• 9:13Speaker 01

  It really meant so much to me to be there.

• 9:16Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 9:16Speaker 01

  It really, really did because I've told you, I do comedy because of you.

• 9:21Conan O'Brien?

  Oh my god, yeah.

• 9:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's so funny to me, by the way. I was noting this because I was working and I just got done and I've been catching up on episodes of this show. Your whole thing, you're so like with them to calling yourself a comedy legend and stuff. And then when someone pays you a compliment, you cannot fucking handle it.

• 9:36Conan O'Brien?

  No, I can't.

• 9:37Speaker 01

  You totally crumble.

• 9:38Speaker 02

  You can't.

• 9:38Speaker 01

  You cannot change the subject quickly. No, he can only brag downward.

• 9:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:42Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, exactly, exactly.

• 9:43Speaker 02

  You called yourself Beethoven. You called yourself Michelangelo.

• 9:46Speaker 01

  And then I'm like, hey Conan, you're like a true legend in comedy. Look, why is he turning red? You are. I mean, it truly meant so much to me because I genuinely do comedy because of you. And you know, the fact that all these people were there, you know, Colbert, all the people who turned out, Letterman.

• 10:05Conan O'Brien?

  Sarah Silverman.

• 10:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, Will Forte, Will Ferrell, everybody's there. It's a testament to how people see you and also like I went up to, I'd never met Brian McCann.

• 10:15Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 10:16Speaker 01

  And I didn't really meet him that night. I just went up to him and said, I've had, I've, I've got bulletproof legs stuck in my head for 30 years.

• 10:23Conan O'Brien?

  And he said. Brian McCann, one of our great writers, who was also a performer and did so many, he was the always disappointing FedEx Pope, which was his title.

• 10:32Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 10:33Conan O'Brien?

  Um, and bulletproof legs, which is one of my favorites.

• 10:35Speaker 01

  Legs is so funny. I've had it stuck in my head for 30 years. I said that to him and he was like, thanks, that's really helpful.

• 10:42Speaker 01

  But all those people being there and it was such a magical night. And I truly, for me, like that day came at like this really weird time where I had like other stuff. And I flew in for that day, I flew out the next day, I wanted to hang out longer. Uh, but I was like, I have to be there for Conan because it's so important to me. And I kind of, to be honest, psyched myself out a little bit.

• 11:01Conan O'Brien?

  Really?

• 11:02Speaker 01

  Being there, yeah, I like overthought it and got like way too nervous. And I wanted to be able to like, I enjoyed watching everyone. But I wanted to really like, it meant too much to me for me to not be like, super nervous.

• 11:15Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, that's interesting. It didn't show at all. I mean, it was such a funny idea you had, which was a TED Talk about.

• 11:22Speaker 01

  That is, what, what a.

• 11:23Conan O'Brien?

  It was such a great idea.

• 11:23Speaker 01

  What a non compliment. You had a great idea.

• 11:26Conan O'Brien?

  Well, no, you know, for me.

• 11:28Speaker 03

  The execution.

• 11:29Speaker 01

  Execution.

• 11:30Conan O'Brien?

  We all know you're not an execution guy. No, no, but that's my highest compliment.

• 11:35Speaker 01

  Oh, thank you. It's really fun when you come up with something where you're like, oh, this is a thing. This is something. I can't believe nobody's.

• 11:40Conan O'Brien?

  You got to wear the little headset.

• 11:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, I wanted to wear the little.

• 11:43Speaker 02

  Clicker, yeah.

• 11:44Conan O'Brien?

  You had the clicker and all. Graphics and, uh, yeah, um.

• 11:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, and it was really nice to get a very sweet message from Sona.

• 11:51Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 11:51Speaker 01

  And nobody else right afterwards.

• 11:54Conan O'Brien?

  No.

• 11:54Speaker 01

  Oh, you sent me a message.

• 11:55Conan O'Brien?

  A message from Sona is a message from me.

• 11:58Speaker 01

  No, you, you sent me a very nice text as well, but it meant so much to me to be there. Because, um, you know what was interesting? So I've been catching up. I don't know how old this episode is. I'm, as you know, I'm a big fan of this podcast. I was listening to your interview with Andy Samberg. And you guys were both talking about your love of like silly comedy and how you've always loved it. When I was a kid, when I was a little, little kid, I liked it. I liked Jerry Lewis and Lauren Hardy and Three Stooges. But as I started getting like eight, nine, 10, the last thing I wanted to do was be stupid. It was very important to me to feel smart. And so I didn't like anything that was silly. I really rejected it. My favorite things were like, you know, like something like Groundhog Day, which was, it's a, it's an amazing movie. But it's sort of like, there's an intellectual thing to it, you know?

• 12:41Speaker 01

  And those were the things I really like loved. And the thing that made me fall back in love with silly comedy and realize that it can be very smart was your show.

• 12:51Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, okay.

• 12:52Speaker 01

  And now I look up to it, you know, like silly comedy is, it's, it's so hard to pull off. But really, you made me fall in love with it.

• 12:59Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I, well, thank you. I think one of the things that I've always thought, and I talk about this on the last TBS show, there is this intersection between stupid and smart. And it's, and it's this weird, like Ghostbusters, when they all cross their beams, like whatever, there's this magical thing that happens. I do think there's an intersection between really smart and really stupid. And I've talked about that. It's been my obsession in my life. There's this little golden spot and you can't hit it all the time. It's hard to get it. And when you do get it, it's like holding on to a moonbeam. It's gone the minute you get it. And you just have to content yourself with the hunt. That is my religion. My religion is every now and then there's something where there's,

• 13:42Conan O'Brien?

  this is very silly. Oh, it's so stupid. Wait a minute. I know something smart's happening here. There's a flicker of something smart happening here, but it, it doesn't last. It's just for a second.

• 13:52Speaker 01

  Yeah. And you can't explain it to anybody who doesn't get it. Um, and I didn't, you know, so it was your, it was your comedy and Beavis and Butthead around the same time. But I was like, oh, really stupid stuff can be made by obviously very smart people.

• 14:05Conan O'Brien?

  I want to talk about your work, uh, and then I'm going to edit this out and just make it all about my work.

• 14:11Speaker 01

  Just you talking about what it meant for you to get the Mark Twain Prize.

• 14:14Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. And how I think you're correct.

• 14:18Speaker 03

  And Conan does all his own editing.

• 14:20Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah, exactly. He's really good at it. I'm really good at editing.

• 14:25Conan O'Brien?

  But, uh, I just watched your stand-up special, Night Thoughts, and I really loved it. And one of the things that you talk about in the beginning was you started as a stand-up. And, um, it's fascinating because it's very important to you upfront to say, look, guys, I know you think I'm an actor who's now dabbling in stand-up, but I started as a stand-up. And what's fascinating to me is I know you enough to know that you were petrified of getting in front of people. Absolutely terrified of getting in front of people. And yet, I don't know if it was, uh, you took a loofah to your soul or something. You decided, I'm going to do the thing that scares me the most. Most and get in front of people.

• 15:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:04Conan O'Brien?

  That was a huge hurdle for you.

• 15:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, I was a very, very shy kid. So people who know me as a kid, knew me as a kid are very surprised I do this. I there's really no way to describe it other than I loved stand up too much to not do it. Like, the only thing scarier than doing it was not doing it. And I remember I have the sense memory of what it felt like to go to an open mic and sign up and go up in front of these people that I didn't know. And doing it in Chicago was a very intimidating comedy scene, too. Like, it was kind of like rough and tumble, you know, and a lot of great stand ups were from like my class there. But the only thing that hurt more than doing it was not doing it. So that's I really, if there was any other way I could do stand up, like, without people in front of me. Which I did do, actually, quite a bit.

• 15:52Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 15:53Speaker 01

  Oh, I just thought of a very dark story about that. Oh, my god.

• 15:57Conan O'Brien?

  Let's hear it.

• 15:57Speaker 01

  You really want to hear it?

• 15:58Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 15:59Speaker 01

  It's a little funny, but it's also sad. Are we ready for this?

• 16:02Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, you just described my life.

• 16:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know.

• 16:06Conan O'Brien?

  That's my autobiography, a little bit funny and very sad.

• 16:11Speaker 01

  Okay, well, let me try and find a palatable way through this inherently very sad story. So my scene in Chicago, you know, was it was me, Pete Holmes, Hannibal Buress, Kyle Kenehan, Matt Bronk. I like all these, Beth Stelling, like, all these really, really, really funny people. And the funniest one of us was this guy, his name was Pat Price. And he was like better looking than us, he was cooler than us, he was funnier than us, the girls liked him more, he had like a great job. He was just, and he was like a great guy, and he was just like naturally very, very funny. And he told this one story once, a very funny story about, he did like this bar show outside Chicago. And there were just like four people and two of them were facing away. And his friend was like.

• 16:56Speaker 01

  His friend was like, he was telling his friend this and his friend was like, yeah, it's gonna be a great story when you make it. Like, I did a show for four people and two people were turning away. And Pat was like, yeah, but what if I don't make it? That's just what I did in my twenties.

• 17:12Speaker 01

  And then Pat Bryce passed away in his early thirties. We were all in Chicago when that happened. He was like thirty-one or thirty-two. And it's weird to think, that is what happened. And I only say that because he would think that was really funny.

• 17:26Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, yeah, yeah, of course he would, yeah.

• 17:29Speaker 01

  Not the part, I told you.

• 17:31Conan O'Brien?

  Not the part where he passes away. He wouldn't find that funny.

• 17:36Speaker 01

  No, no, no, he, I, I, I assume he hated that part, yeah. But he was, I see you trying to get out of this. He was a really funny guy and we talk about him still all the time. And it's just one of the, you know, you probably, I don't know if you have this, where it happens a lot, where you're like, I'm sure you know this too, where you're like, well, the funniest, the most talented person was that person, and now they're like a schoolteacher somewhere, you know? That happens all the time. They just didn't want to do it.

• 18:02Conan O'Brien?

  I mean, in my case, there wasn't someone who was funnier than me. I mean, I just have to get the record straight. Well, there wasn't. I mean, there really wasn't.

• 18:09Speaker 02

  I mean, I think what's funny is usually-

• 18:11Speaker 01

  Okay, I'll invent a guy. Bill Guggaboo.

• 18:14Conan O'Brien?

  You know what?

• 18:15Speaker 02

  Guggaboo?

• 18:16Speaker 01

  Guggaboo.

• 18:16Speaker 02

  He interrupted me to that.

• 18:17Conan O'Brien?

  And he was great, and he was so much funnier than me. But then one day, he ate a big sandwich made of and he's gone. Are you happy now?

• 18:25Speaker 01

  I'll bring him, I'll bring you back.

• 18:26Conan O'Brien?

  You really are a comedy legend that is an inspiration to everyone who's doing comedy my age. No, of course, and that's why, no, but it's like, no, but it's so funny how, I mean, it's all the things. It's funny, it's sad, but of course, you come up through life and I have learned to embrace the fact that I met so many people who are just absolutely incredible and some don't seem to move up the ladder. And you can, some aren't alive and some are, and it just never quite happened. And there isn't a reason. There just isn't.

• 19:05Speaker 01

  Yeah. It is, I mean, we have, we're very lucky that.

• 19:09Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 19:10Speaker 01

  We, we get to be here right now, you know, there's a guy, there was one guy, I won't say his name. Who was like truly like just so brilliant, would kill every time, new ideas every time. He was also an artist, he was a painter, and he was like, I kinda like doing that more than this. And it was, we were just like, this is the most important thing in the world to me. And the fact that you can have that talent and just not really wanna do it, I couldn't ever relate to that.

• 19:34Conan O'Brien?

  No, well, you hit the nail on the head when you said we're, we're lucky.

• 19:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:38Conan O'Brien?

  You have, I was talking earlier about how ideas having a great, like a weight. One of the things I noticed in your special is you have, imagery is really important to me, when someone has an image. That really resonates with me, and in one part of your special, you're talking about your cat Bagel. And how it's impossible, a veterinarian says, just give the cat these pills, like these, these pills. And you're saying, how? Cause I've had this experience recently, we have three cats and trying to get a cat to eat a pill is impossible. And you had this great image, which is, you're saying to the vet, like, how is that gonna happen? I mean. If you put a big plate of spaghetti in front of a human and it has four Tylenol sitting on top of it, they know. And I was like, that is such, someone, and I could in that moment see you.

• 20:23Conan O'Brien?

  I mean, I could see the image, I could see the image of a big plate of spaghetti being put in front of some marinara sauce. And there are these big Tylenol relief pills. I'd be like, what the fuck?

• 20:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, what are you doing?

• 20:32Conan O'Brien?

  What is this?

• 20:33Speaker 01

  That's what Bagel did. She would like eat around the pill.

• 20:36Conan O'Brien?

  Of course they do.

• 20:37Speaker 01

  She's like, this is obviously not food.

• 20:39Conan O'Brien?

  They're like us. They're absolutely like us.

• 20:41Speaker 01

  Yes, yes, yeah, I had a long bit about my.

• 20:45Conan O'Brien?

  You have a cat too.

• 20:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, and that's funny, we're just giving her pills, but she will eat anything, so she will not eat around anything. She eats the pills. Really?

• 20:53Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, she's crazy.

• 20:54Speaker 01

  Our, our cat, well, since then, can't get away from this, our cat did die.

• 20:59Speaker 02

  Oh, fuck. Oh, god.

• 21:01Conan O'Brien?

  Couple of downer stories.

• 21:03Speaker 01

  Sorry, sorry, no, no, no, she was, and to be fair.

• 21:06Conan O'Brien?

  Let me try and find something. That cat was much more talented than either one of us.

• 21:10Speaker 01

  She did open mics in front of four people and was like, someday this will be funny.

• 21:13Conan O'Brien?

  She just didn't care. She wanted to lick her own ass. That's all she wanted to do.

• 21:18Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 21:19Conan O'Brien?

  She's like, I'd rather lick my ass.

• 21:20Speaker 01

  That was her true passion. I mean, I had a beautiful, beautiful cat. Her butthole was the ugliest thing I've ever seen. And it was always, it's all, it's like all she wanted us to see. She was like, you like my face, but what about my butthole? What about like the entirety of it? Like, put your tail down, ma'am. Have some respect.

• 21:42Conan O'Brien?

  They have no, they have no respect.

• 21:44Speaker 01

  They don't, they don't.

• 21:45Conan O'Brien?

  She'd somehow prop up a magnifying glass and just walk behind it.

• 21:48Speaker 01

  It's like, yeah, she has like a periscope to it somehow. Whenever I'm looking, it's like whenever I looked in my house, her, her butthole was the thing I saw for her.

• 21:57Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 21:58Speaker 01

  Special. Yeah.

• 22:07Conan O'Brien?

  You know, winning an award, that's a big achievement, right?

• 22:10Speaker 02

  Yeah, I love awards.

• 22:11Conan O'Brien?

  Every now and then in life, maybe something nice like that comes your way. Winning them consistently is almost impossible. It just doesn't happen, you know? Well, guess what? Winning five times in six years? You know what that sounds like to me? Sustained excellence.

• 22:24Speaker 02

  Nice.

• 22:25Conan O'Brien?

  Hyundai has done just that, earning the title of America's best SUV brand for 2026 from US News and World Report. You are a very happy Hyundai driver.

• 22:33Speaker 02

  I drive a Hyundai Palisade and I love my car. I love it. I love driving it around.

• 22:38Conan O'Brien?

  I've been tooling around in an Ioniq 5 N, which I love. Beautiful car. Well, listen, whether you need an SUV for everyday life, your next big adventure, or extra room for family and friends, Hyundai has an option for you. The Tucson Hybrid is loaded with technology and built for everyday life. The Santa Fe Hybrid's fully capable and ready for adventure. The Palisade, that's yours, right?

• 22:57Speaker 02

  Hello.

• 22:58Conan O'Brien?

  They're gonna rename that the Sona. The Palisade Hybrid, yeah, delivers premium capability and class-leading interior space. With available, I have this memorized, H-Track all-wheel drive, up to an EPA estimated 619 miles of range on vehicles like the Palisade Hybrid and Hyundai's industry-leading warranty. It's easy to see why Hyundai continues to deliver the quality, innovation, technology, and value drivers expect from an award-winning brand. View US News Best Cars at cars.usnews.com and call 562-314-4603 for complete details.

• 23:33Conan O'Brien?

  This fall, I want to try something different.

• 23:34Speaker 02

  What?

• 23:35Conan O'Brien?

  I like to change it up. I like to learn things. So I'm going to try and make apple cider.

• 23:39Speaker 02

  Ooh.

• 23:39Conan O'Brien?

  Every morning.

• 23:40Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 23:40Conan O'Brien?

  This fall, just to see if I can do it.

• 23:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:42Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, fall is the perfect season to try something new, like joining T-Mobile.

• 23:46Speaker 02

  Oh, that's good.

• 23:47Conan O'Brien?

  See what I did?

• 23:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:48Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, there are 250 reasons to join T-Mobile right now. You want to hear what they are?

• 23:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:53Conan O'Brien?

  They're America's best network.

• 23:54Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 23:54Conan O'Brien?

  True story. Plus, T-Mobile has got off-grid satellite coverage. That comes in really handy. I like to just wander in the woods sometimes.

• 24:01Speaker 02

  Oh, that's weird.

• 24:02Conan O'Brien?

  When I'm thinking about, like, making apple cider.

• 24:04Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 24:04Conan O'Brien?

  And that's when it comes in handy. Here's another reason. High-speed data in over 215 countries and destinations. I travel a lot for the

• 24:11Speaker 02

  You travel a lot.

• 24:12Conan O'Brien?

  travel show that I do.

• 24:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:13Conan O'Brien?

  Stream this podcast while ignoring local landmarks. That's always fun to do. Like, oh, look, there's the Mona Lisa. Yeah, check it out. I'm in the Louvre. I should, but I'm listening to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.

• 24:24Speaker 02

  That doesn't seem like a good idea.

• 24:25Conan O'Brien?

  It's a great idea.

• 24:26Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 24:27Conan O'Brien?

  You know, you can see art anytime. But how often can you listen to this podcast?

• 24:31Speaker 02

  Oh, my god.

• 24:33Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 24:33Speaker 02

  What?

• 24:34Conan O'Brien?

  No, all these reasons make T-Mobile a great choice.

• 24:36Speaker 02

  I agree.

• 24:37Conan O'Brien?

  T-Mobile is stacking up reasons to join. Go to T-Mobile.com and find yours best, based on analysis by Ookla of speed test intelligence data first half of 2026. Can't believe I read that. T-satellite with capable devices in most outdoor areas in the US, where you can see the sky. High-speed international data with qualifying plan. Visit T-Mobile.com, consult a physician. I just threw that in there.

• 25:01Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 25:05Conan O'Brien?

  So now, you have to admit, the holidays, it's really about hanging with the people you love.

• 25:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:11Conan O'Brien?

  And getting to be yourself. Not going to some stuffy holiday party where you need to conform to what the man wants you to think about the holidays.

• 25:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:20Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, it's about being yourself. Turn your holiday time into Miller time by enjoying a Miller Lite in a place where you're free to enjoy yourself. On a walk with a cousin. With a cousin? Why are they getting all specific about?

• 25:31Speaker 02

  Because it's family.

• 25:32Conan O'Brien?

  But what about a niece or a nephew?

• 25:34Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:35Conan O'Brien?

  Um, like a walk with an ex-wife. Uh, I don't know. I mean, they're just throwing, that's a weird, they just made a very specific choice.

• 25:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:43Conan O'Brien?

  Now's the time for those unexpected holiday side guests and enjoy a great tasting light beer. 'Tis Miller time, as Dickens wrote.

• 25:52Conan O'Brien?

  Miller Lite is brewed for taste, the taste you can depend on. The original light beer since 1975 and still iconic more than 50 years later. I like to be with my bros, my chums, my posse. Crack open a Miller Lite, take a swig, a sip, look around and see my friends. We've known each other forever and we're just hanging out.

• 26:11Speaker 02

  Yeah, you guys are just doing chest bumps and high fiving.

• 26:13Conan O'Brien?

  Miller Lite is great taste done right. Go to millerlite.com/conan to find delivery options near you, or you can pick up some Miller Lite pretty much anywhere they sell beer. Tis Miller time. Celebrate responsibly, Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces.

• 26:35Conan O'Brien?

  The observation I had just watching you do stand up was it's that combination of you have great ideas and images. You have great images. And you talked about, I mean, I want to, not going to give away your whole special, but there was one specific thing where you're talking about in the old days when you would have a weed dealer and you were talking about the experience of, you know, when you went to buy it, you need to hang out with them. It was just a thing where you hang out with them. And you said like, and you know, they'd want to, you'd have to watch a little bit of The Matrix with them. And again, that.

• 27:08Speaker 01

  It's true.

• 27:09Conan O'Brien?

  But that image, like you picked, you picked the perfect movie.

• 27:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:14Conan O'Brien?

  And I can see you sitting on a shitty couch.

• 27:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:17Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, in the Chicago, watching some of The Matrix.

• 27:21Speaker 01

  Oh my God. And I remember going to this guy's house and it was always like, too many guys there? Or not enough guys there? So it's like 17 guys with backwards baseball hats hanging out, watching The Matrix, or just you and this guy watching The Matrix. I don't know which is worse.

• 27:39Speaker 01

  And it's also this thing where you're like pretending to be friends with them and then they bring out the weighing scale and all pretense that this is a friendship is gone.

• 27:47Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 27:47Speaker 01

  Now it's suddenly very much a business transaction.

• 27:49Conan O'Brien?

  Right, right.

• 27:50Speaker 01

  I, uh, the other thing I talk about there was this old lady used to like sell like weed muffins in Chicago at like certain bars on the weekend. And you'd go and you'd hope she would show up and it was always a magical mystery. You don't know how much weed she'd put in. So you wouldn't know if it was gonna be like, I don't feel anything, or like, I'm gonna be in bed for five days. I say this in the special, thinking about every email I've sent in the last five years, you know? I don't wanna like do things from the special, but, but that, it's, it's, and now it's all, you know, very.

• 28:24Conan O'Brien?

  This is exactly how mu- what you're going to feel.

• 28:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:27Conan O'Brien?

  I mean, that's a little bit of what you're talking about is this concept that if you, you can have a favorite song, and it's just magical to you. If you start to really break down what the song is, and you listen to it a thousand times, and you understand what the changes are and how they work, some of the magic starts to rub off. And, and erode, and I think you're talking about this thing in our culture where, once things are legalized, and then labels are put on them, and everything's explained to you very thoroughly. This is exactly how high you're going to get, and this is, these are probably the images-

• 29:02Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 29:02Conan O'Brien?

  And fantasies you're going to have.

• 29:04Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 29:04Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, and, uh, this has all been signed off by, uh, RFK Junior, uh, you know? He's approved of it all.

• 29:12Speaker 01

  And how did he sign, how did he sound when he signed, signed it off?

• 29:15Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I wouldn't be able to.

• 29:18Conan O'Brien?

  No, he's, he's voiced by Katharine Hepburn. We all know that.

• 29:23Speaker 01

  Today.

• 29:23Conan O'Brien?

  You're an old poop. Yeah, exactly.

• 29:29Conan O'Brien?

  I was telling someone, uh, I think I was telling Rose Byrne this, Rose Byrne, who-

• 29:34Speaker 01

  By the way, I'm so excited for that movie. One of the all-time great titles, by the way.

• 29:39Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, thank you for promoting my movie on-

• 29:41Speaker 01

  I'm so excited for it.

• 29:43Conan O'Brien?

  But, uh, I say my movie, it really is that the, the, the superstars of this, uh, project are, uh, Mary Bronstein, who's the writer-director, and Rose Byrne, who just is a phenomenon.

• 29:56Speaker 01

  She can do anything.

• 29:57Conan O'Brien?

  She can do anything, and I love her to death, but she texted me, uh, I think yesterday and said, you know, "Yeah, I'm, I'm doing, um, hot, you know, Hot Ones." And I thought, what is it about our culture where, in order to promote her movie, she needs to ingest forty pounds of toxins?

• 30:15Speaker 01

  It's self-flagellation.

• 30:16Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, and, and so I said, I, I texted her back, and I said, "If Katharine Hepburn were alive today, she'd have to do a web, a web talk show where she sits on a toilet and eats a chili dog." Like, you know, "Well, I think with Spencer in the scene, shut up, Katharine, we'll get to that in a minute." You haven't pooped yet. You gotta poop, Catherine. Well, alright, I'll try. I'm not feeling it just yet.

• 30:42Speaker 01

  Don't you want a big opening weekend, Catherine?

• 30:44Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. You're not gonna go viral. Alright, I'll eat the chili dog. And so, it's, it's, but that's what would happen today. It'd be like, well, Marlon Brando, what are you in? Well, I'm in this, you know, thing called, you know, on the waterfront. Now, hold on, Marlon. You know, you've gotta drink 10 bottles of this diuretic.

• 31:04Speaker 03

  Whatever you're about to say, he's done on his own. Anyway, so. He's doing his private life. Better than any of us.

• 31:11Speaker 01

  Yeah. You know, what you were saying about how the imagery and bits and stuff, what I love about doing what we get to do is, you're right, we're in a world where there isn't that much mystery anymore. You know, I know exactly if I eat this gummy. I know exactly the level of high I'm gonna be. But I think when you watch movies, TVs, watch great stand-up jokes, whatever it is, there is like new stuff in there. And it's, it's so hard to get any new stuff, like walking through the world. But then I watch, you know, I just did a show this week with Largo and, at Largo with Mulaney and Nick Kroll and watching their bits. I'm like, that's new. I've never heard that. I don't know how you thought of that. And if you explain it to me, it wouldn't make any sense. But it's like, like magical new things that you get to experience.

• 31:56Conan O'Brien?

  No, that's what, uh, that's why I'm, I love seeing younger talent. I love hearing what they have to say because I get surprised. It's just so nice to be surprised at my age. When I can be surprised, it just tickles me pink, you know?

• 32:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:13Conan O'Brien?

  I know the phrase is, I'm tickled pink, but I wasn't pink.

• 32:16Speaker 02

  It tickles you pink?

• 32:17Conan O'Brien?

  It tickles me to the point where I become pink.

• 32:19Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 32:20Speaker 03

  Buddy, you start off pink.

• 32:21Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I was gonna say, it tickles you you.

• 32:24Speaker 03

  It tickles you you.

• 32:25Conan O'Brien?

  It tickles me me. I'm tickled, I'm tickled to me.

• 32:29Speaker 02

  Nothing, nothing changes. You're just tickled.

• 32:32Conan O'Brien?

  Tickled to me.

• 32:34Speaker 01

  I say.

• 32:34Speaker 03

  I'm tickled Conan when it happens.

• 32:37Conan O'Brien?

  No, this is just reminding me that whenever I just got back from, uh, from shooting, uh, an episode of my travel show in the Philippines. But whenever I've been, and you know, if I've been in, uh, when I was in Ghana, when I go to these places, Cuba, people come up to me and they are concerned for my health. Cause they, I'm, I'm not just white, I'm translucent.

• 33:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 33:03Conan O'Brien?

  And there is a caring like, are you okay? I'm like, this is just what my people look like.

• 33:08Speaker 01

  Should we be able to see the bones through?

• 33:13Speaker 02

  It conveys a weakness.

• 33:15Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 33:15Speaker 02

  Yeah, I get it.

• 33:16Conan O'Brien?

  They're, they're concerned.

• 33:17Speaker 02

  I know, I'm, I'm concerned.

• 33:19Conan O'Brien?

  Sweet, you're concerned.

• 33:20Speaker 02

  I, every time you travel, I'm legitimately concerned when you come back, especially if it's like a hot climate, I'm worried about you.

• 33:26Speaker 01

  I feel like for you, it's always like, you know, when people get the bends when they come up out of water. I feel like for you, traveling every time on a plane is that, where you have to like detox.

• 33:35Conan O'Brien?

  You know what they should probably do? They should probably, anytime I do a travel show, the plane, before it takes me back to Los Angeles, it should first take me to a field in Ireland.

• 33:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:45Conan O'Brien?

  And I, and I have to be there for a week.

• 33:47Speaker 01

  Depressurizing. Superman, you have to like get power from your, from your land.

• 33:52Speaker 02

  Definitely not like Superman.

• 33:54Speaker 01

  Sorry.

• 33:54Conan O'Brien?

  That's the only way.

• 33:55Speaker 01

  Kind of an inverse.

• 33:56Conan O'Brien?

  I think he meant an inverse Superman.

• 33:58Speaker 01

  The only way you like Superman is that it's like, everything is kryptonite to you.

• 34:01Conan O'Brien?

  Yes. I have to get back to my super weakness.

• 34:04Speaker 01

  Including sun, which gives him power, but hurts you.

• 34:08Speaker 03

  It's clouds and rain for you.

• 34:10Conan O'Brien?

  Exactly. You know, I have to ask you, cause you brought it up at the very beginning of your special, where you walk out and you say, don't let these muscles, uh, freak you out. These are just decoration. They're decorative. They're for show. I have to say, very impressive, very impressive, uh, guns.

• 34:26Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 34:26Conan O'Brien?

  And I'm glad someone else in comedy is not afraid to get jacked.

• 34:31Speaker 01

  What do you mean by that?

• 34:32Conan O'Brien?

  What do you mean? What do I mean by that?

• 34:33Speaker 01

  Are you talking about you?

• 34:34Conan O'Brien?

  You think I'm a fucking jack man? Yeah, I'm jacked.

• 34:37Speaker 02

  No one talks about it.

• 34:39Speaker 01

  It is weird because now people perceive me differently and they think I'm a different person and I know I'm not. I'm exactly the same person I've always been.

• 34:49Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 34:50Speaker 01

  I just really like working out a lot now.

• 34:52Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 34:53Speaker 01

  And but so all this other stuff that goes with it. And it was interesting when I was, you know, so I hadn't done stand up in like six to eight years.

• 34:59Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 35:00Speaker 01

  And during the Actors Writers' Strike a couple of years ago, I was like freak. I was like, what am I? I was like feeling very creatively frustrated. So I was like, I'll try stand up and I'll see if I still like it. So I did a bunch of shows at Largo, the place we love. And Emily was like, people experience looking at you very differently than they used to. So the way you are on stage has to change. Like, she was the one who really was like, you can't be the same comedian. You have to do something different because you look very different.

• 35:25Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 35:26Speaker 01

  Um, and so that's something I had to be very aware of when I was doing stuff. The last thing I want to do is talk about how I look.

• 35:33Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 35:33Speaker 01

  But she was like, you kind of have to address it.

• 35:35Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. No, it's good. You you come out, you mention it right away and you're very self-deprecating about it.

• 35:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:40Conan O'Brien?

  You're like, these are decorative. I've never been in a fight. No. It is funny. There's this misconception that people, if you work out a lot, that then you would be good in a fight. Nothing is further from the truth. The best person in it, the best person in a fight is just someone who, you know, has that mentality.

• 36:00Speaker 01

  The will.

• 36:00Conan O'Brien?

  And they probably don't, they don't need to have lifted a single weight in their life.

• 36:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 36:04Conan O'Brien?

  They just have that, I'm gonna punch your face in, Matt Gourley.

• 36:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, you don't have to.

• 36:09Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, no. This is just, I don't know. I'm just going with this. I'm in a flow state right now and I just want to describe beating you to death.

• 36:14Speaker 01

  Oh, gosh.

• 36:15Conan O'Brien?

  But.

• 36:15Speaker 01

  Death. Yeah, that's, boy, that escalated quickly.

• 36:18Conan O'Brien?

  Just pounding and pounding away at that.

• 36:20Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 36:21Conan O'Brien?

  At that insouciance.

• 36:23Speaker 01

  Excuse me?

• 36:24Conan O'Brien?

  Just that face that looks at me like I dare you to hit me.

• 36:27Speaker 01

  Insouciance. I feel very confident saying that's not a word.

• 36:30Conan O'Brien?

  It's not. It's insu- it's insu-. I'll smash you.

• 36:34Speaker 02

  But your punches would hurt more, right? If you had to fight, if you had muscles?

• 36:38Conan O'Brien?

  I don't know. Eduardo's with me on that.

• 36:40Speaker 04

  Yeah, I agree with Conan.

• 36:41Speaker 03

  I think so too. I think it's you've got nothing to lose.

• 36:44Conan O'Brien?

  It's people that are just, they, they fight because they've probably been punching people since they were eight years old.

• 36:50Speaker 01

  And they've got nothing to lose.

• 36:51Conan O'Brien?

  And it's their whole life and they, yeah.

• 36:53Speaker 01

  I mean, can you imagine bringing yourself to punch someone like full force? I assume none of us can.

• 36:59Speaker 02

  No.

• 36:59Speaker 03

  Uh, just a couple of minutes ago.

• 37:02Conan O'Brien?

  I see Gourley regularly running through that.

• 37:05Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:05Speaker 02

  Eduardo's shaking or nodding.

• 37:08Speaker 04

  I've punched somebody full force before.

• 37:09Conan O'Brien?

  Really?

• 37:09Speaker 04

  When I was a kid. This was in middle school, but.

• 37:11Speaker 01

  And did you punch a grown up?

• 37:13Speaker 04

  No, I've never, never punched a grown up before.

• 37:15Speaker 01

  So how old were you?

• 37:16Conan O'Brien?

  He punched a kid when he was an adult. Who and why?

• 37:19Speaker 04

  Exactly.

• 37:20Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 37:20Speaker 01

  I've, yeah, who, who and why?

• 37:22Speaker 04

  I was 13. I was wearing glasses. This was a classic bully story where somebody pinned me up against the wall, took my glasses off. Just tried to play keep away, basically. And my first instinct, when I tried to ask for them back, my first instinct was just pop him straight in the face.

• 37:38Conan O'Brien?

  And you did?

• 37:39Speaker 04

  And I did.

• 37:39Conan O'Brien?

  And how did that go down?

• 37:41Speaker 04

  Uh.

• 37:41Conan O'Brien?

  Did you get your glasses back?

• 37:42Speaker 04

  I got my glasses back. And I was never bothered again by, by this guy and his friend.

• 37:47Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 37:48Conan O'Brien?

  That's a good lesson.

• 37:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:49Conan O'Brien?

  Punch the people you don't like. Yes. Yeah.

• 37:53Speaker 01

  Full force.

• 37:54Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:55Speaker 01

  Thank you, Eduardo.

• 37:55Conan O'Brien?

  No, but, but I mean, Eduardo comes in with some sage advice, worthy of Gandhi. But no, but it'd be great if that happened to Gandhi when he was in high school and he just beat the shit out of somebody and then.

• 38:05Speaker 04

  Not proud of it, fully.

• 38:07Speaker 02

  You should be.

• 38:08Conan O'Brien?

  But, first of all, yes, you should be, because that guy had it coming and you probably did him a favor. I don't think he did that to anybody else.

• 38:14Speaker 04

  Actually, we were friends after that. Uh, not, not too long after, so, uh, yeah, it did, it did change.

• 38:20Speaker 01

  I noticed you're not wearing glasses anymore.

• 38:21Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 38:22Speaker 03

  I learned my lesson.

• 38:23Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 38:23Speaker 01

  And I don't want to bring it back to this, but that guy now is dead. He was funny though.

• 38:28Conan O'Brien?

  You know what? He was the funniest of all of us. He was the, he was just trying to do a funny routine about glasses and he needed your prop to, yeah, that's all. He was just borrowing them. Um, yeah, I don't know. I, I've not done that and I don't imagine I could do it.

• 38:43Speaker 01

  No, I don't think I could.

• 38:44Conan O'Brien?

  And I do.

• 38:44Speaker 01

  I mean, I, I am, I look strong. I can barely move. Like, I'm genuinely useless in any practical situation.

• 38:51Conan O'Brien?

  Right, right. I noticed that you had to be carried in here. You came with five people and they carried you in. They made like a chair, a basket chair with their hands.

• 38:59Speaker 02

  Oh my god.

• 39:00Conan O'Brien?

  It's crazy. It's weird. Then they rubbed all these oils into you. It's strange.

• 39:04Speaker 01

  They were chanting.

• 39:05Conan O'Brien?

  They were chanting. They had huge ostrich feathers they were cooling you with.

• 39:10Speaker 01

  My rider has gone insane.

• 39:15Conan O'Brien?

  We had to meet all these crazy demands.

• 39:18Speaker 01

  I did find out, you know, I was, I was, uh, I was like, I always get like, whenever I do a show or I'm somewhere, very specific like snacks and stuff.

• 39:29Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 39:29Speaker 01

  And then at one point someone was like, I don't remember exactly what it was, but someone was like, by the way, that thing was very hard to find. I'm like, well, yeah, why did you do that? They're like, it says in your rider, you have to like have this thing. And then clearly my rider got messed up with someone else's because it's a thing that I don't have like any connection to. I don't enjoy.

• 39:46Conan O'Brien?

  One thing I've experienced, which is, uh, if you have a slight preference, without you doing anything, that becomes a demand.

• 39:55Speaker 01

  Oh, it be-

• 39:55Conan O'Brien?

  And so what happens is I'll say, well, I like a Coke Zero before I go on because it's the caffeine and that's, you know. Uh, and so you'll just say that and then you'll show up someplace. This sounds like a, like a humble brag or it's not. It's just very strange to show up and there's a refrigerator filled with that thing. And you're thinking, this could-

• 40:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:17Conan O'Brien?

  This is, a restaurant should have this on hand and it would last them a month. You know, and then-

• 40:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm thinking of you so much of that.

• 40:24Conan O'Brien?

  It becomes like, oh my god, if Conan shows up and there's not a Coke Zero there, we're all dead.

• 40:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:29Conan O'Brien?

  And it just, it just feels odd. It just became, well, if there's one, I'll take one if there's one around. But that can, it's a game of-

• 40:36Speaker 01

  I just saw J. Kelly, which is an amazing movie with George Clooney and your buddy Adam Sandler. Phenomenal movie and in it, J. Kelly is basically a version of George Clooney, a guy who's been a movie star his whole life. And at one point, he's in a dressing room under the cheesecake and he's like, why is there always a cheesecake?

• 40:54Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, okay.

• 40:54Speaker 01

  And Adam Sandler says it's in your writer because you like cheesecake. He's like, I've never liked cheesecakes. And the entire movie, every other scene, there's a close up of a cheesecake. In almost every frame, there's like a slice of cheesecake somewhere.

• 41:06Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess I'm Clooney-esque. That's what I take away from that story.

• 41:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, you mean a lot to all of us comedians who've.

• 41:16Conan O'Brien?

  Who started out as actors and then were on ER and became.

• 41:20Conan O'Brien?

  I want to ask you something about, because I know this about you, that you're a cricket fan.

• 41:25Speaker 01

  I am.

• 41:25Conan O'Brien?

  And it's, I've, I don't think I'm a dumb person, but I've watched cricket many times when I've seen it.

• 41:31Speaker 01

  Have you?

• 41:31Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I've just, not live, but when I see it, I'm kind of fascinated by it and I watch it, I cannot decipher cricket. I just can't decipher it and I don't understand it.

• 41:40Speaker 01

  I could watch a game with you, like it's about the length, the shortest one's about the length of a basketball game.

• 41:46Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 41:47Speaker 01

  And you would know cricket very well by the end of it.

• 41:51Conan O'Brien?

  And I just, I just talked to these, rest is history podcasters who are amazing and they're from the UK and from Britain. And they love cricket.

• 42:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 42:02Conan O'Brien?

  And I, they might as well say I love watching GlipGlop. I don't know what it is. I don't understand it.

• 42:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 42:08Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, exactly, yeah.

• 42:10Speaker 01

  Here's the big problem with cricket, when people, American people are trying to understand it, they're trying to equate it to baseball.

• 42:15Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, I superimpose baseball over it.

• 42:17Speaker 01

  You have to forget baseball. The only, it's a ball and a bat and then people make fun of me for like, it's almost similar. It's really not. You have to let go of baseball and that's when you'll like, understand what cricket is.

• 42:27Conan O'Brien?

  So I think I have to unknow baseball, which I've been watching my whole life.

• 42:32Speaker 01

  Are you a big? Well, I've been, I mean, just for like a little bit. You don't have to like eternal sunshine baseball out of your mind.

• 42:38Conan O'Brien?

  No, it has to completely go.

• 42:40Speaker 01

  That would be like, we have amazing technology. What do you want to forget? I want to forget the rules of baseball.

• 42:44Conan O'Brien?

  I want to forget every association or memory I have.

• 42:47Speaker 01

  It's $300,000. Are you sure that's what you want to spend it on?

• 42:50Conan O'Brien?

  Yes. It's either this or that G-Wagon Mercedes and this is what I want.

• 42:57Conan O'Brien?

  And then I'm explaining it to my accountant. Wait, what is this? This is a lot.

• 43:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:01Conan O'Brien?

  I need to forget baseball.

• 43:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:03Conan O'Brien?

  Every association I have watching the Red Sox from when I was a little boy in Boston, I has to be removed completely from my cortex.

• 43:12Speaker 01

  Are you a big baseball fan?

• 43:13Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I am. I grew up, baseball was the biggest sport.

• 43:17Speaker 01

  Was it?

• 43:17Conan O'Brien?

  When I was growing up. Because the Patriots weren't a thing yet. They existed, but they weren't a thing. Um, the Bruins were huge and we all knew Bobby Orr and the Bruins. But I didn't sit and watch hockey a lot. It never, but it's a religion. Baseball was a religion in Boston. The Red Sox, specifically the Red Sox.

• 43:38Speaker 01

  Right.

• 43:38Conan O'Brien?

  So that was the thing that entered my bloodstream.

• 43:43Speaker 01

  Right. So, so that, that's good because that's kind of why cricket, I really love it because it makes me feel connected to Pakistan. You know, like I haven't been back in a long time. Like, you know, I've been here more, longer than I was there. But it's really where I'm from. I am Pakistani, but sometimes I could feel disconnected from it. When I, when I watch cricket, it makes me feel like I'm back home.

• 44:05Conan O'Brien?

  How are you perceived in Pakistan? Do they claim you as a native son?

• 44:11Speaker 01

  I think it's complicated. Um, I don't really have a good sense of it, to be honest. I think there are certain things about me that they're proud of. And then there are certain things about me that, um, they, they have complicated feelings about. Like the fact that I'm married to a white American woman. I think that that's seen in a complicated way. I think they like that I'm successful, but, um, you know, I think it's, I think it's complicated.

• 44:36Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah. I think it, I think that makes sense. And I think it's usually complicated. For, you know, for, because I'm a hundred percent Irish genetically. But if I go back to-

• 44:49Speaker 01

  No shit.

• 44:49Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. But if I go back to Ireland. I can't claim that I'm one of them because I'm not. I've been gone, we've been gone for, you know, 120 years.

• 45:00Speaker 01

  Right.

• 45:01Conan O'Brien?

  And so, uh.

• 45:02Speaker 01

  Do you feel connected to it culturally?

• 45:05Conan O'Brien?

  I do. Well, I feel connected to that air. We were joking earlier, but every cell in my body when I'm in that climate is saying, "Oh, thank God. You know, what were you doing living near the Mexican border? You idiot." I, you know, I'm.

• 45:25Speaker 01

  That's right.

• 45:26Conan O'Brien?

  I want it to be about 40 degrees or 45 degrees. I want it to be raining.

• 45:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 45:33Conan O'Brien?

  And these are not things I actively want. This is my body telling me, "You're supposed to live in a bog."

• 45:39Speaker 01

  Right.

• 45:40Conan O'Brien?

  And you're supposed to have died about 30 years ago.

• 45:42Speaker 01

  That's how I feel about, like, when I lived in Chicago, my body in the winter was like, "You are not made for this."

• 45:48Conan O'Brien?

  No one's made for that.

• 45:49Speaker 01

  Go to the equator.

• 45:49Conan O'Brien?

  No one's made for that. This is not about you.

• 45:51Speaker 01

  No one is made for that. I don't, I mean, I don't know the history of anything you do. When people first settled there, weren't they like, when it hit October, like, "We gotta go somewhere else."

• 46:00Conan O'Brien?

  They should have been.

• 46:01Speaker 01

  Why did they stick it out?

• 46:02Conan O'Brien?

  I think there's those big lakes and they thought, this is, someone started grilling sausage and they were like, "This is amazing. We could block off whole streets and just eat sausage."

• 46:13Speaker 01

  And arteries. Simultaneously.

• 46:17Conan O'Brien?

  Um, I don't know. I, I think that all the time because Chicago is not, I was there for a summer in 1988 with Robert Smigel and Bob Odenkirk.

• 46:26Speaker 01

  You guys did that show.

• 46:27Conan O'Brien?

  We did Happy Happy Good Show there. And what I remember is, oh, I know Chicago is brutally cold in the winter, but it's going to be really nice in the summer. It's the, it's the most uncomfortable I've been in my life.

• 46:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 46:38Conan O'Brien?

  Was the summer of 88. I was living in a tiny apartment with no, my room had no window. Um, and I was, I would practically weep at night. I was just sleeping on a futon and I would. I would rush down to my car, down like three flights of stairs and sit in the car and run the air conditioning in my 1973 Plymouth Valiant and then turn it off and run upstairs to try and go to sleep. But by the time I got up there, I was just as hot as I had been before because I ran up three flights of steps.

• 47:09Speaker 01

  So you've never felt the Chicago winter? It's not like a New York winter.

• 47:13Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, no. It's that wind coming. I have, I've been there in the winter and I've felt that wind coming off those lakes.

• 47:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's like the world is trying to kill you every single moment. It feels genuinely like tiny monkeys with knives are attacking you every time you're outside.

• 47:30Conan O'Brien?

  I've been attacked by monkeys with knives and I now I completely get what you're saying.

• 47:34Speaker 01

  As it was happening, you were like, I feel cold. I said, this feels like Chicago. And they're like, ah! Um, what?

• 47:42Speaker 02

  Stupid.

• 47:43Conan O'Brien?

  It's not stupid. It's a combination of stupid and really smart.

• 47:46Speaker 02

  Is it?

• 47:47Conan O'Brien?

  It's a golden.

• 47:48Speaker 02

  I missed the smart part. I missed the smart part.

• 47:50Conan O'Brien?

  I'm looking, I'm checking. That was just stupid.

• 47:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. Okay, good. Yeah.

• 48:00Conan O'Brien?

  You know, winning an award, that's a big achievement, right?

• 48:02Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 48:03Conan O'Brien?

  Every now and then in life, maybe something nice like that comes your way. Winning them consistently is almost impossible. It just doesn't happen, you know? Well, guess what? Winning five times in six years? You know what that sounds like to me? Sustained excellence.

• 48:17Speaker 02

  Nice.

• 48:18Conan O'Brien?

  Hyundai has done just that, earning the title of America's best SUV brand for 2026 from US News and World Report. You are a very happy Hyundai driver.

• 48:26Speaker 02

  I drive a Hyundai Palisade and I love my car. I love it. I love driving it around.

• 48:31Conan O'Brien?

  I've been tooling around in an Ioniq 5N, which I love. Beautiful car. Well, listen, whether you need an SUV for everyday life, your next big adventure, or extra room for family and friends, Hyundai has an option for you. The Tucson Hybrid is loaded with technology and built for everyday life. The Santa Fe Hybrid's fully capable and ready for adventure. The Palisade, that's yours, right?

• 48:50Speaker 02

  Hello!

• 48:51Conan O'Brien?

  They're gonna rename that the Sona. The Palisade Hybrid, yeah, delivers premium capability and class-leading interior space. With available, I have this memorized, H-Track all-wheel drive, up to an EPA-estimated 619 miles of range on vehicles like the Palisade Hybrid and Hyundai's industry-leading warranty, it's easy to see why Hyundai continues to deliver the quality, innovation, technology, and value drivers expect from an award-winning brand. View US News Best Cars at cars.usnews.com and call 562-314-4603 for complete details.

• 49:24Conan O'Brien?

  Who do you shop for first on the holidays, Sona? Was it, do you shop for the kids or do you shop for Tac?

• 49:28Speaker 02

  My kids.

• 49:29Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 49:30Speaker 02

  Or Oki.

• 49:30Conan O'Brien?

  You gotta get them your stuff.

• 49:30Speaker 02

  Or my dog.

• 49:31Conan O'Brien?

  And then your husband is last. Well, guess what? It's that time of year. You feel that, you smell that, uh, that cinnamon cider in the air? Do you smell that?

• 49:41Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 49:41Conan O'Brien?

  And you see pumpkins around, people buying turkeys. A little early to buy a turkey.

• 49:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 49:46Conan O'Brien?

  Doesn't matter. Holidays? I would say it's just around the corner, but that's a cliche. It's, uh, very nearby in the cupboard. Well, guess what? Amazon delivers joy with low prices on the gifts you want, even this early in the season. So get ahead of the season. Shop early gifts, top picks, holiday decor, and advent calendars at low prices. Get ahead, start on holiday gifting with Amazon's low prices. Shop now at amazon.com/holiday.

• 50:17Conan O'Brien?

  Now, Sona, clearly I'm a very important person to you.

• 50:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 50:20Conan O'Brien?

  Just accept the premise and we'll move ahead.

• 50:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 50:23Conan O'Brien?

  I'm a very important person to you. What would you get me from Macy's for the holidays?

• 50:28Speaker 02

  A vase.

• 50:30Conan O'Brien?

  No, I don't want a vase. I want something better.

• 50:32Speaker 02

  A jacket.

• 50:34Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, nice jacket. I love a nice jacket.

• 50:35Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, that jacket. Nice jacket.

• 50:36Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, so now you have to do it, because you said you would.

• 50:38Speaker 02

  Aw, man, I didn't know you were doing that.

• 50:40Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I know the holidays, I know the holidays are months away, but it's never too early, Sona, to find gifts that I will love, gifts I will wear, and surprises that make the season unforgettable for me.

• 50:52Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 50:52Conan O'Brien?

  Macy's Gift Guide makes holiday shopping easy with beauty favorites, stylish fashion, jewelry, cozy essentials, must-have toys, home upgrades, and picks for every person on your list. Coach handbags, Breville appliances, Lego UG, and more all in one place. You can skip the scrolling and shop with confidence. Shop now in-store or online at macy's.com/giftguide.

• 51:20Conan O'Brien?

  You've really had an incredible career. You started out in stand-up and then you do this work as an actor. You didn't just have success, you had terrific success, you know? And I've told you this before and I was-

• 51:35Speaker 01

  If it's nice, you could say it again.

• 51:37Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 51:39Conan O'Brien?

  I absolutely loved Silicon Valley and I just, there were scenes in that that I think about to this day. And I just had lunch recently with Alec Berg and I was reciting things to him. I was reciting-

• 51:52Speaker 01

  I didn't know, how do you know Alec Berg?

• 51:54Conan O'Brien?

  He and Jeff Schaefer worked on my late-night show for a very short time-

• 51:58Speaker 01

  I did not know that.

• 51:58Conan O'Brien?

  Before they wised up and got themselves to Seinfeld. Yeah, we know each other, but we, he finally said, "Hey, let's have lunch." Because we never really got to sit down and talk about everything. Yeah, and he's such a smart, funny writer and we were talking and all I kept doing was, you know, fanboying out about Silicon Valley. I loved your character on that show and-

• 52:20Speaker 01

  Would you say he was your favorite?

• 52:24Conan O'Brien?

  No.

• 52:24Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 52:25Conan O'Brien?

  No, I wouldn't.

• 52:25Speaker 01

  That's, I hate that honesty.

• 52:27Conan O'Brien?

  I loved the show.

• 52:28Speaker 01

  I don't even respect you.

• 52:29Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, I loved the show. I loved the show and I'm gonna say you were my least favorite, but because the show was so good-

• 52:36Speaker 01

  Still pretty good.

• 52:37Conan O'Brien?

  It was, no, it wasn't even pretty good. No, Jake.

• 52:42Conan O'Brien?

  Hey, thanks again for doing Twain.

• 52:46Conan O'Brien?

  Well, no, you got to play such great, and you did it really well, but-

• 52:50Speaker 01

  That was a real gift.

• 52:51Conan O'Brien?

  You played so well, the insecurity of that character.

• 52:54Speaker 01

  Yes, he's like-

• 52:55Conan O'Brien?

  He's a wise ass who's also very insecure.

• 52:57Speaker 01

  Insecure, right.

• 52:58Conan O'Brien?

  And when, when someone makes fun of the little necklace you're wearing, the next scene it's covered up.

• 53:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:06Conan O'Brien?

  And then they call you on that and you're denying that you're covering it up.

• 53:09Speaker 01

  I loved, so that happened, so there's a, there's a scene, there's a, there's a story in the show where we get a little bit of money, we're a little bit successful, so I go and buy a gold chain and I put it on and I'm all peacocking it. And then Martin Starr's character, Gil Foyle, who are always going at each other, starts making fun of me for it.

• 53:25Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 53:25Speaker 01

  And there's like a really funny scene where everybody just going around- Making fun of me and T J Miller's character Ehrlich says, uh, he calls me Belbiv Dinesh. And sings sings.

• 53:36Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 53:36Speaker 01

  That chain is poison.

• 53:38Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 53:38Speaker 01

  And then there's a part where like the whole episode builds up to, we're gonna go in, it's called Skunk Works and we're gonna go in and we're gonna sabotage this. This is like a whole scheme we have and we're gonna, we have like stuff where they were sneaking into our own workspace. And we're like, okay, so to really feel like we're, nothing is a mess, we have to keep making fun of Dinesh's gold chain. Otherwise, people will know. So as we're walking in, Zach Woods's character goes really loud for everyone to hear. He goes, nice chain, Dinesh. Do you, uh, choke your mother with it when you fuck her in the butthole?

• 54:13Conan O'Brien?

  He goes too far.

• 54:14Speaker 01

  He goes way too far. And then.

• 54:17Conan O'Brien?

  It's like he's trying this comedy thing he's watched other people play with, but he doesn't know what it is.

• 54:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly. This is exactly what it is. And Thomas Middlege's character, Richard, is so thrown by that he falls down and all the papers that were trying to sneak in come out. And the whole, the whole scheme falls out and you think we're setting up the whole season and it's completely like destroyed by that one line. That storyline happened because over the summers, they would meet with us, the writers would, Alec would have a meeting with us, be like, do you have any stories that might be good?

• 54:45Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 54:45Speaker 01

  For like you being like a loser. And so that story is from my real life. I was like, at one point in high school, I bought a silver chain and, uh, and I thought it would be cool. And people like started making fun of me mercilessly. And then I couldn't take it off until I was off their radar. Cause then they knew that, they'd know that's why I was taking it off.

• 55:06Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 55:06Speaker 01

  So I did like every morning, like put on this fucking gold chain that would get heavier every day and like burn my skin.

• 55:13Conan O'Brien?

  That's from your life.

• 55:14Speaker 01

  So that's from my life. And it's funny because they like changed it from silver to gold. Like my real life was too lame to be the lamest character on a show with just lame characters. They had to make it slightly cooler, otherwise it was too sad.

• 55:32Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 55:32Speaker 01

  My real life was too sad.

• 55:34Conan O'Brien?

  So great.

• 55:35Speaker 01

  It's so great.

• 55:36Conan O'Brien?

  There's also a line where, um.

• 55:42Conan O'Brien?

  The, the.

• 55:44Speaker 01

  So, so is my favorite one.

• 55:46Conan O'Brien?

  Thomas Middleditch reveals his, the logo that he wants to use. This is very early on.

• 55:51Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 55:51Conan O'Brien?

  And it's one of my favorite lines, which is delivered by you. This is, he reveals the character and it's, it's like a Peter Pan that's wearing a Pied Piper. It's got like kind of a Peter Pan sort of hat.

• 56:03Speaker 01

  He's got like a feather in his hat.

• 56:05Conan O'Brien?

  With a feather in it.

• 56:05Speaker 01

  And he's got a flute.

• 56:06Conan O'Brien?

  And you.

• 56:10Conan O'Brien?

  I stress, you talk about how it looks like he's holding a dick.

• 56:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's something like, it looks like he's sucking a dick and he's got another one tucked behind his ear for later.

• 56:19Conan O'Brien?

  For later.

• 56:20Speaker 01

  Like a snack dick.

• 56:21Conan O'Brien?

  He says a snack dick. He says he has it tucked in for later. And I'm like, for later? I just loved, I mean, I love the whole thing, but I like, you just said it looks like he has a, an extra dick tucked in his hat for later. And I just like, I'm just gonna keep this dick for later. And I was, I'm still laughing about that. I'm reciting it to Alec Berg. We're having lunch. Um, and, uh, I'm just very, I'm, I'm very pleased for you that you've been able to, uh, have this kind of, it's unusual for people to, you can do it in stand-up and then you can explore this world and I think really nail it.

• 57:03Conan O'Brien?

  And then decide, I'm gonna go back and do a stand-up special again. After all, it's been, what, 10 years?

• 57:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's been close to 10 years. It was right when you started making The Big Sick, which was 2016.

• 57:15Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 57:15Speaker 01

  That I stopped doing stand-up. Um, and it was really exciting to go back, but it was also like scary cause I had to learn to do it again. I'd sort of forgotten. And the performance, I, I don't know how interesting this is. Maybe it's not interesting at all, but the first, I, I was like, I'm gonna go see if I still like it. And I'm gonna try and recreate the conditions of when I was really doing it. So I set up seven shows over the course of two weeks. And I was like, I'm gonna do all seven of these and see if I could still enjoy it.

• 57:42Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 57:43Speaker 01

  And then the seventh one felt a little bit like old times. And I was like, oh, fuck, I think this is back. So the first two weeks went really well because you know I hadn't done stand up. People were excited to see me. I felt nervous. I felt really present. And then after that, the next few weeks were not as good. I wasn't, as I got more comfortable on stage, I was getting, I wasn't doing as well on stage. And I was like, why is this happening? And I realized it because as I was getting comfortable, I was defaulting to how I was on stage 10 years ago. And I wasn't the same person now. And it was, and it felt disingenuous to the audience. The audience could feel that I was doing something that was different from who I am as a person now. And so I had to sort of go out and be like, okay, I'm going to go out on stage and not be beholden to any like,

• 58:27Speaker 01

  not even try and do well, just really try and see how I want to be on stage. And just like really lean back and see what comes out. So I'd like relearn how to do it. And then I had to relearn how to write it. It's very different from writing anything else.

• 58:41Conan O'Brien?

  It's interesting because the one thing I've noticed about my own experience recently is I'm always been myself. I've been, I'm just myself. And when people don't like what I'm doing, they don't like me. Do you know what I mean? So, you know, it's true. It's just like, I don't, I don't like Conan. They're not talking about that Conan guy. That's me.

• 59:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 59:02Conan O'Brien?

  I'm so, this is who I am. I'm, the comedy comes out of my sense of who I am. If you don't like it, that's me you don't like, which can be very painful. And I found doing this movie role recently, that's not me. That's a different person.

• 59:20Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. Was that the first time in your career you've done that?

• 59:22Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I've not done, really, yeah. Most times when people want me to be in something, it's as Conan O'Brien saying, you know, this character is our next guest, whatever, which, uh, you know, is not that fulfilling. But I had this weird detachment from it, like, well, if they don't like that guy, that's not my business. And by the way, my thing is so immediate. I do it and then it comes out hours later. Some, you know, sometimes with the podcast, a week later, but most of my career has been do it, say it. And then two hours later, people are seeing it at home.

• 59:55Speaker 01

  Yeah. And there's not like a tremendous amount of prep going into it. Like I assume you were doing your late night show.

• 1:00:01Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:01Speaker 01

  It's that day you prepped for that night and then next day it starts over.

• 1:00:05Conan O'Brien?

  And so it's all immediate. Or if you're doing live shows, I got to go out there right now. And I'm very like, oh my God, here we go. And then there's this experience where, you know, that thing you made where you had to be somebody else and you made it. Two and a half years ago.

• 1:00:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:00:20Conan O'Brien?

  It's coming out now and I'm very, oh, I hope people like that fellow in that thing. It's this feeling of, that's not really me. So you've had it the other way where you're very much, I think one of the hardest things about stand up is that they don't like you, they don't like you.

• 1:00:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:00:37Conan O'Brien?

  But then you've, you've worked this other field where.

• 1:00:41Speaker 01

  Well, I figured out a way that even if they're rejecting a character of me I'm playing in a movie, it still feels like they don't like me.

• 1:00:47Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:47Speaker 01

  It still feels very personal.

• 1:00:49Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:49Speaker 01

  And it's also, so how did it feel to have your performance in someone else's hands? You've never had that.

• 1:00:56Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:56Speaker 01

  So you have to trust the director.

• 1:00:58Conan O'Brien?

  I would maybe not have liked it if I didn't, Mary Bronstein, the director, is one of the most confident, clear-eyed people I've worked with. And she just, she wrote this, this is a story she knows backwards and forward. She's very much in control and I just thought, I will, I completely gave myself over to her and I was, I was completely trusting of her.

• 1:01:22Speaker 01

  I mean, that's the best thing you can have as an actor is this feeling of safety with a director. Where you're like, I trust them to, to make me, I'm in their hands.

• 1:01:30Conan O'Brien?

  That's why I'm very interested in never doing this again, because I thought that was an incredible experience. I'm with Rose Byrne in scenes, people seem to really like this. I'm out. I don't want to have the other experience.

• 1:01:43Speaker 01

  It's a really truly horrible feeling to be making something that you're going to be doing for four months with the director and you're like, I don't think this person knows what they're doing. They're truly one of the, that's the worst feeling I've ever had and my wife was in a coma for a week.

• 1:01:58Speaker 01

  I can't get away from this. Sorry, take, take, take that out.

• 1:02:02Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, that stays too.

• 1:02:04Speaker 01

  What was your, what was your prep going into it?

• 1:02:08Conan O'Brien?

  A lot of prep.

• 1:02:09Speaker 01

  What did you do?

• 1:02:10Conan O'Brien?

  I worked with Mary Bronstein really hard.

• 1:02:14Speaker 01

  Did you like come up with like?

• 1:02:17Conan O'Brien?

  This guy's backstory. She was suggesting that we do that. And when she first suggested, I thought, come on, you don't need to do this. And then she was right. It really helps. It really helps.

• 1:02:28Speaker 01

  A lot of the prep that actors have to do is so stupid. And it feels so like pathetic, but it really is very helpful.

• 1:02:36Conan O'Brien?

  But one thing I will maintain is stupid are the warmups that people do before an improv show.

• 1:02:43Conan O'Brien?

  I've always thought those were stupid. And whenever I've been asked to come back and do some improv and they want to bring me out to an alley behind. You know, it's a benefit. And we're all going to do improv to raise money for an important cause. Can I just give the money? No, buddy. It's gonna, everyone's gonna love seeing you out there again. And when you're back there and they go, let's play libbity la bity loo. Habba da habba da, hubba da hubba da, heba de heba de. I'm like, nope, this is.

• 1:03:05Speaker 01

  Does it not help you?

• 1:03:07Conan O'Brien?

  No.

• 1:03:08Speaker 01

  I've never done that.

• 1:03:09Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, I, I, it doesn't help me. It just irritates me.

• 1:03:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:03:13Conan O'Brien?

  And I think it's a hidden prank show.

• 1:03:14Speaker 01

  I think that's the thing that comedians have that is hardest for me to, that was the most challenging thing for me with acting is that there's always part of you that's so, so self-aware and knows, you're like, and it's a great thing to have because you hear so many actors talk and they are not self-aware at all. And it's like, I'm sure that's what you did, but I wouldn't tell anybody.

• 1:03:33Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:34Speaker 01

  But comedians have, so there's like a part of you that's always like, this is a little bit stupid. And acting at its core is like very stupid.

• 1:03:42Conan O'Brien?

  Oh.

• 1:03:42Speaker 01

  It's really stupid. Like I'm gonna, oh, you say this, now I say this. Oh. Yeah. I'm an architect today. It's so stupid.

• 1:03:51Conan O'Brien?

  I'm glad you said that.

• 1:03:52Speaker 01

  I did not like my father because he did not, you know, whatever it is.

• 1:03:56Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:56Speaker 01

  My career in baseball did not work and now I'm sad. Say something, I'll say the same thing back to you 40 times. It's so stupid. And you have to like forget how absolutely fucking stupid it is.

• 1:04:08Conan O'Brien?

  You know what I love? That's why I love doing a late night show all those years or doing this is that I can always be present with and honest about, this is stupid, but I love it. You're absolutely right that you never gave me what I wanted.

• 1:04:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:04:22Conan O'Brien?

  Is at its core, very silly.

• 1:04:24Speaker 01

  It's so silly.

• 1:04:25Conan O'Brien?

  You can't see it as that.

• 1:04:27Speaker 01

  Cut.

• 1:04:27Conan O'Brien?

  Hey, are the donuts here yet? That thing is so weird.

• 1:04:32Speaker 01

  And then you're talking, you're hanging out with the actor, then it's action and now you're a different person and I'm a different, it's so, but I do love it so much.

• 1:04:41Conan O'Brien?

  Well, good.

• 1:04:42Speaker 01

  And I love it because so much, and I'm sure you have this too, it's, one of the challenges is to be like really present in the moment, really like listening to someone and reacting in life. I was thinking about, oh, what I said, that was stupid. Or I think this thing I did a week ago, I hope they don't think it was, I should email them right now. Or I have to do this thing later. So much of my life is thinking about what I did or what I'm gonna do, and that when I'm acting, I truly feel very, very present in the moment.

• 1:05:08Conan O'Brien?

  You have to be.

• 1:05:08Speaker 01

  You have to be, yeah.

• 1:05:10Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I'm gonna wrap this up because you've been talking and talking and talking and, I mean, it's just awful. It's just awful.

• 1:05:17Speaker 01

  It's just gonna be you the whole time. Take me out.

• 1:05:20Conan O'Brien?

  Well, you know, we do a lot, we do this a lot when I'm not happy with the way something went, and this is of course today. We take you out and then it's just, we have lots of extra tape of me just talking about me and we fill that in with your, you know.

• 1:05:34Speaker 01

  But you already have stuff ready to go. You've already recorded stuff.

• 1:05:37Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, yeah.

• 1:05:38Speaker 01

  That they take, okay?

• 1:05:39Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, and so it's just gonna be, people will be confused because they'll hear, oh, this is great, Conan's talking to Kumail, this is gonna be really funny. And then there'll be some confusion that it's me talking and then when the parts where you were talking, it's just more me talking about me. But I love those episodes.

• 1:05:53Speaker 01

  God, stop listening.

• 1:05:55Conan O'Brien?

  Hey, is that it? We're the end of it? Yeah.

• 1:05:58Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 1:05:59Conan O'Brien?

  This is great.

• 1:06:00Speaker 01

  Did we talk about anything?

• 1:06:02Conan O'Brien?

  We talked about, I think we've kinda talked about everything, but also. It really did fly by. I had fun.

• 1:06:07Speaker 01

  Um, my special?

• 1:06:09Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:09Speaker 01

  Are you saying it?

• 1:06:10Conan O'Brien?

  I am gonna say that it's on Hulu and it's called Kumail Nanjiani Night Thoughts. And it is really funny because you're really funny. You're one of those people I just always enjoy. I'm crazy jet lagged with, I'll tell you this behind the scenes story, crazy jet lag from this trip I took for my travel show and I was on the other side of the world. I just got back and I'm completely out of it and my staff was saying, you know, you're so tired and out of it, you know, we should probably move this podcast. And I said, who is it? And he says, it's Kumail. And I was like, no. That is so much. That's, that's like a treat for me. That's like saying we canceled your birthday cake.

• 1:06:50Speaker 01

  Oh, that's so sweet. Thank you. Thank you. That's so kind.

• 1:06:53Conan O'Brien?

  But thank you so much. Continue to thrive and I just, I, I really love being your friend.

• 1:07:02Speaker 01

  Oh my God. That's so, I want to also mention really quickly before I go back to saying what I want to say about you is I'm also in the new series of Fallout, which is a show I love. Oh, God.

• 1:07:11Speaker 02

  I love Fallout.

• 1:07:12Speaker 01

  Isn't it a great show? So I have a little part in that season two that's also out on Amazon Prime, probably.

• 1:07:19Conan O'Brien?

  But you said acting is stupid.

• 1:07:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, but I'm really good at it. Yes. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Take, take that out. It means so much to me that I get to be your friend and text you and have you respond like truly, genuinely. I do comedy because of you and I've talked to other friends of mine who say the same thing where they're like, we do comedy because of Conan, like what you mean to us is. I mean, and the fact that you're still like around and you engage with us and you keep like reinventing yourself and changing. Who you are while still, still think true to what we love about you. It's very rare for comedians to grow up and still be like, you know. You lose a lot of heroes as they grow up and it's, I feel very, very grateful that we don't lose you.

• 1:08:05Conan O'Brien?

  That's so nice. I have to say, my big fear always was, oh my God, you get older and please someone tell me like, stop, stop. Burley says it all, Burley says it all the time. But I try and then I have my people that I look to and one of them is Martin Short. I'm just like, and I'm like, okay, that guy's the generation ahead of me and he's still as funny as a person can be. And Steve Martin and I just say, okay. Uh, you know, they can do it. You can, if you, I don't know.

• 1:08:35Speaker 02

  We're your Selena Gomez.

• 1:08:38Speaker 02

  You're welcome.

• 1:08:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, truly.

• 1:08:39Conan O'Brien?

  I'm definitely your Selena Gomez.

• 1:08:42Speaker 01

  You're, you're our, you're, you're our lighthouse. You really are. You really are like the person we look to, to be like, all right. It's possible to not turn into a giant asshole as you age.

• 1:08:53Conan O'Brien?

  We shall see.

• 1:08:53Speaker 01

  I was with my friends last night.

• 1:08:55Conan O'Brien?

  This is a story that's still in progress. Make some notes here.

• 1:09:01Speaker 01

  Gourley, Gourley is not buying any of this shit. I was hanging out with friends last night and I mentioned I was doing this podcast and people started quoting your bits and someone said this joke that was so, it was from the year 2000, I Want to Get It Right, and it was you and Jim Carrey and you tried to make him laugh with something with The Mask, The Mask that, the movie that he was in with the green face. I forget what, what, but he like kept it together and it was his turn. He said to you, I heard you're gonna be in The Mask 2, The Return of Rocky Dennis.

• 1:09:33Speaker 01

  It's such good writing. It's such a good show. Yeah. Oh my god. All too true. All right. Well, be well, thrive, and I'll see you soon, I hope. Thank you. Yes.

• 1:09:44Speaker 03

  Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ofsesian, and Matt Gorley. Produced by me, Matt Gorley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

• 1:10:05Speaker 03

  Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm.com/conan. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

• 1:10:53Speaker 05

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• 1:11:22Speaker 06

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