Stop Living for What Others Think of You | Meg Josephson

You're not just a people pleaser. You're running a survival response your nervous system learned to keep you safe. Most of us were taught that being agreeable, flexible, and endlessly giving was a virtue. Meg Josephson, a licensed psychotherapist and author of the New York Times bestselling book Are You Mad At Me?, says that pattern is actually a trauma response, and it's running your relationships, your sense of self, and your inner world without you even realizing it. The fawn response is the fourth threat response, alongside fight, flight, and freeze. It's the one we never get punished for. We get applauded. And that applause is exactly what makes it so hard to break. Meg breaks down the six archetypes it can take: the peacekeeper, the performer, the perfectionist, the chameleon, the caretaker, and the lone wolf. What it costs you isn't just your time or your boundaries. It's your identity. When you spend years morphing yourself to be liked in every room, you stop knowing what you actually want, feel, or believe. Meg went to a store after college and realized she didn't know her own favorite color. That's the depth of self-erasure people pleasing creates. The path out starts with one counterintuitive skill: learning to tolerate discomfort. Not fixing, not performing, not self-optimizing. Just pausing long enough to notice what's happening beneath the fawn response, and choosing something different. Are You Mad At Me? Amazon Ebook Audiobook Meg's Instagram Meg's TikTok Meg's Substack Meg's Website In this episode you will: Understand how complex trauma and generational patterns keep the approval-seeking cycle alive across lifetimes Build the tolerance for discomfort that breaks the people pleasing pattern and lets you show up as your full self Discover the fawn response and why it is the one threat response society actively rewards instead of corrects Identify which of the six people pleaser archetypes is quietly running your behavior in relationships and at work Learn the critical difference between reassurance seeking and genuine validation, and why only one of them actually heals the root For more information go to https://lewishowes.com/1942 For more Greatness text PODCAST to +1 (614) 350-3960 Follow The Daily Motivation for essential highlights from The School of Greatness More SOG episodes we think you’ll love: Lewis Howes Solo [Stop Helping Everyone But Yourself] Emily McDonald Dr. K TOPICS Meg Josephson, people pleasing, fawn response, internal family systems, complex trauma, reassurance vs. validation, people pleaser archetypes, shame and self-blame, nervous system healing, generational trauma, Are You Mad At Me Get More From Lewis! Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  We're very hyper vigilant of what do people think of me? When we are constantly doing that in all of our relationships, we lose connection with our inner world. That's trauma.

• 0:11Lewis Howes?

  She is a licensed psychotherapist, a certified meditation teacher, and the New York Times bestselling author of Are You Mad at Me? Today, she's here to break down how to stop focusing on what others think about you. What is the fawn response?

• 0:24Speaker 00

  When we're in the fawn response, we appease the threat. We try to be liked by the threat. We satisfy it, impress it, compliment it, so that we can feel safe again. And the other person might say, "No, I'm not mad at you. Yes, I still love you. Yes, I think you're beautiful." And temporarily, it feels like, okay, we're good then. But then it comes right back.

• 0:45Lewis Howes?

  Why do so many people ask the question, "Are you mad at me?"

• 0:48Speaker 00

  Ooh, I think there's a lot of reasons. I think...

• 0:58Lewis Howes?

  I'm assuming a lot of people come to you who have dealt with being a people pleaser most of their life. That was me. And I wanted to make everyone happy around me. I wanted to shift and change my personality to make sure someone liked me or wanted to hang out with me when I was a kid. I worried when my parents got mad at me. I would lie so they wouldn't get mad at me. Whatever I could, so that people want to be upset at me. And that probably built a pretty deep wound and a trauma response in me in my teens and my twenties, until I was about 30, when I started my healing journey, and realized, oh, I've been a people pleaser most of my life.

• 1:40Lewis Howes?

  How many people in the world do you think are actual people pleasers?

• 1:46Speaker 00

  Oh, I think so many, but I think it's sneaky. I think the type of people pleasing that you're speaking about and that... I think that "are you mad at me?" as a question speaks to is this feeling of, "What do they think of me? Am I bad? Have I done something wrong?"

• 2:05Speaker 00

  It's such an internal experience, whereas I think we hear of people pleasing as a more active approach as, you know, over apologizing and overextending, which is all true, but I think what's spoken about less is that internal experience of overthinking, ruminating, feeling like, "I don't know who I am because I'm morphing myself to be liked and I'm changing myself in every room that I go into." So, it's so common, but in my practice, I find that it manifests in such different ways for different people. So, it's not this blanket thing. It's so personal, based on the home we grew up in and our nervous system, but

• 2:46Speaker 00

  it is, it's very prevalent because it's so rewarded or so applauded for, you know, this threat response, so.

• 2:54Lewis Howes?

  Right. Why do so many people ask the question, "Are you mad at me?"

• 2:58Speaker 00

  Oof. I think there's a lot of reasons. I think, especially now, there's a timeliness to it. We are being perceived in so many ways. We have so many ways to receive validation. "They saw my Instagram story, but they didn't respond to my text. Why is that? Did I do something wrong? Did my joke not land last night? Why did they only, why did they put a period at the end of their sentence instead of an exclamation point? Or, why did they not like, "Ha ha, my message?" So, we have so many ways online to receive validation that we're doing enough and that people like us. And that, I think that absence of those

• 3:40Speaker 00

  things can send us into that tailspin of insecurity. So, I think there's a digital element to it.

• 3:50Speaker 00

  And I also, this response, this "are you mad at me?" thinking is quite a modern threat response.

• 4:00Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 4:01Speaker 00

  So, we have "fight," "or flight," or "freeze," which are more primal threat responses. But this one is called the fawn response.

• 4:09Lewis Howes?

  What is the fawn response?

• 4:11Speaker 00

  So, the fawn response is when we are detecting some sort of threat. So, that threat can be right in front of you. It can be like a lion in primal, you know, scenarios. Or it can be, you know, some tangible threat, right, standing right in front of you. But it can also be perceived. It can be like, "Oh, my boss is being kind of cold to me today." Or, "My partner is being really quiet. Did I do something wrong? Or are they upset with me?" That's a perceived threat. When we're in the fawn response, we appease the threat. We try to be liked by the threat. We satisfy it, impress it, compliment it, maybe even flirt with the threat so that we can feel safe again.

• 4:50Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 4:50Speaker 00

  So, it's really about, my safety comes from being liked. I need to do more in order to be liked. And it's really the only threat response that we're not punished for in society. We're applauded. "You're such a good girl. You're so easy."

• 5:07Speaker 00

  Which reinforces the behavior.

• 5:08Lewis Howes?

  It reinforces it.

• 5:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:10Lewis Howes?

  I mean, there is something to be like, having good behavior and having good manners and like, being respectable and like, fitting in, I guess, into society in certain ways. But also not over-fawning, I guess, to say yes to every person's request. And not create a boundary or not make sure you're taking care of yourself as well.

• 5:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:32Lewis Howes?

  Right?

• 5:33Speaker 00

  It's a balance. And we're, I always say this, we're pro-social beings. We want harmony. We want connection. And healing the fawn response doesn't go away from that. It moves toward it because it allows us to have more authentic relationships and deeper connections. Because if we're people-pleasing all the time... People don't really know us. They don't really know what we're thinking, what we're feeling. Cause we're saying like, yeah, no, no, that's totally fine. Whatever you want. We're not letting people in beneath the surface. And so, uh, healing this people pleasing pattern really allows us to have that deeper connection and moves toward that.

• 6:14Lewis Howes?

  As I started to heal the people pleaser in me and started just saying, no.

• 6:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:21Lewis Howes?

  Or saying, I don't want to do that.

• 6:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:24Lewis Howes?

  Or, no, I'm not going to go to your party. Or, no, I'm not going to do this favor for you. Or whatever, for whatever reason. It didn't go well in the beginning. Because for so many years, I would overextend to make others happy, right? To try to be like, hey, I can be reliable at any time you need me. And I stopped being reliable to myself by trying to please everyone else.

• 6:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:48Lewis Howes?

  So how does saying yes to everyone else constantly disrespect ourselves?

• 6:53Speaker 00

  Well, when we're in this state of being, we're, we're very hyper vigilant. We're very hyper vigilant of what do people think of me? Do they like me? Are they pleased with me? When we're constantly doing that in all of our relationships all the time, we lose connection with our inner world. Because in order to be so attuned to what's happening out here, we have to lose connection with our own preferences and wants and needs. And this isn't to say in healing this, we're only focusing on ourselves. Or we are, you know, we're so self-centered all the time and we're neglecting our relationships. No, and quite the opposite, actually.

• 7:37Speaker 00

  It's being in connection to what's happening in here at the same time as being in the world and in relationship to other people. So the cost of people pleasing with everyone all the time is that, well, a lot of things, we feel like we don't know who we are. We feel resentful in our relationships. We feel like we're giving everything to everyone and no one's giving back to us. But it can be a little unfair because, well, people may not know what you need if you're not expressing it. Um, but what's important to know is that this way of being for many of us is a safety mechanism. We're, we're trying to feel safe. We're trying to feel loved. Um, and sometimes we have to do that.

• 8:20Speaker 00

  And when we're doing it all the time, that's when it becomes totally exhausting and it's not sustainable.

• 8:26Lewis Howes?

  What is, what is the solution to overcoming people pleasing so that you can actually feel safe within your body? Instead of trying to look outward and create false safety?

• 8:36Speaker 00

  It's a lot of things. I would say the most, the core piece is increasing your tolerance for discomfort.

• 8:45Lewis Howes?

  Gosh, most people don't have this. I didn't have this for a long time. It's more the emotional. I could have physical discomfort.

• 8:50Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 8:51Lewis Howes?

  Like I could train and work out and like exhaust myself physically, but I lacked the emotional courage.

• 8:59Speaker 00

  Totally.

• 8:59Lewis Howes?

  To look at someone or just say no and see them be upset with me. I just didn't know how to deal with that.

• 9:05Speaker 00

  It's so hard.

• 9:06Lewis Howes?

  It took years of training that emotional skill. It's still not enjoyable, but it's like something I can navigate.

• 9:14Speaker 00

  Not having fun.

• 9:15Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. But um, you know, getting on the phone with someone who wanted to do a project with me. And it was like really asking me to do this thing. And I was just like, no, I'm not going to do this.

• 9:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 9:28Lewis Howes?

  And, and them saying, come on, I thought we were friends. And I'm like, you haven't talked to me in five years. We're not friends. Like literally just saying, we're not friends and that's okay. And I, that means that it doesn't mean I have anything against you. I want you to be successful.

• 9:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:45Lewis Howes?

  You should thrive and succeed, but we don't need to be false, fake friends.

• 9:49Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:49Lewis Howes?

  Right? We don't need to fake it.

• 9:51Speaker 00

  Totally.

• 9:52Lewis Howes?

  We don't, just because we hung out 10 years ago, doesn't mean I'm your best friend.

• 9:57Speaker 00

  Just because we live in the same city.

• 9:58Lewis Howes?

  Exactly.

• 9:59Speaker 00

  Doesn't mean we need to be friends.

• 10:01Lewis Howes?

  And I remember when I had this conversation with this person, you know, years ago, and I was like, we're not friends. I don't think I'd ever said that in my life.

• 10:07Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 10:09Lewis Howes?

  And it was like a little scary to say. I was like, it takes courage to be in discomfort, right? It takes courage to develop those emotional tools.

• 10:18Lewis Howes?

  It's not easy.

• 10:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:19Lewis Howes?

  If you've never developed it, unless you had some narcissistic tendencies as a kid and you just said no all the time. I guess maybe that's easier for you.

• 10:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 10:27Lewis Howes?

  But it wasn't easy for me.

• 10:27Speaker 00

  Well, and especially if you grew up in a home where you are on high alert a lot of the time.

• 10:33Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 10:33Speaker 00

  If you were walking on eggshells with your caregivers, if your, if your caregivers were very unpredictable or critical. We actually learn it's unsafe for me to say no.

• 10:43Lewis Howes?

  No, you can't.

• 10:44Speaker 00

  I'm not allowed to have needs. I have to make sure everyone else is happy and it doesn't matter if I'm not happy. And so that's just a, that's a safety mechanism that's learned so young and is then carried into adulthood.

• 10:57Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 10:57Speaker 00

  Why? Because it worked. It gave us safety.

• 11:01Lewis Howes?

  And it's embedded in your nervous system.

• 11:02Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 11:03Lewis Howes?

  You can't just like break your nervous system like overnight. You have to go through an unlearning.

• 11:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:08Lewis Howes?

  And a new learning, healing journey, right?

• 11:10Speaker 00

  Such a practice.

• 11:11Lewis Howes?

  It's a practice.

• 11:12Speaker 00

  Cause that younger version that learned, I need to, people need to like me for me to be safe.

• 11:17Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 11:18Speaker 00

  That part is still in you, frozen in time. That's trauma. That's what happens during trauma. And so when some scenario in adulthood is reminding you of those early instances, that part comes out and is like, I know what to do here. I will change how, what I'm saying. I will say yes, even though I want to say no. I will say, no, no, no worries if not, even though I'm really resentful. So it's very safety seeking and understandable.

• 11:46Lewis Howes?

  If someone listening or watching is understanding they have this tendency.

• 11:50Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 11:51Lewis Howes?

  This people pleasing or fawning tendency. Um, where their nervous system doesn't have the courage to say what they truly want to say with people. Whether it be people close to them or people semi-close to them. How can they start a process of breaking free of that frozen in time, people pleasing trauma in their nervous system and start developing the ability.

• 12:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:15Lewis Howes?

  To set themselves free.

• 12:17Speaker 00

  Because this is a frozen part, like you mentioned, this is what that means is it's happening unconsciously. So we're not even aware most of the time that we're doing it. So that means that in order for us to break the pattern, we have to bring it from the unconscious into the conscious. All that means is pausing, pause, slow down, notice that, notice what you're doing. And it might mean you're still in the moment, people pleasing, you're still defaulting to your usual. But what the difference is you're pausing and you're becoming aware of it in a way that you weren't before. We can't heal anything until we've become aware

• 12:56Speaker 00

  of it. So having forgiveness too, this isn't a practice of perfection. I think often because people pleasers are perfectionists and perfectionists are people pleasers because it's, we find safety and control in, you know, uh, being this like perfect curated versions of ourselves. And that perfectionism can seep into our healing. Why haven't I fixed this yet?

• 13:19Lewis Howes?

  What's wrong with me?

• 13:20Speaker 00

  What's wrong with me? I've been to therapy. Why didn't this work? And, excuse me, and it's not, it's not about fixing. It's a daily moment to moment practice of just noticing what's happening, slowing down, pausing and being curious about it.

• 13:36Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 13:36Speaker 00

  Um, it takes time. It's subtle, right?

• 13:39Lewis Howes?

  I, I think developing a, a new nervous system takes time of

• 13:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:46Lewis Howes?

  integrating the healing practices and lessons on a daily basis.

• 13:49Speaker 00

  Oh, totally.

• 13:50Lewis Howes?

  It is a, a day by day integration where, where you said it's like a stimulus happens, you have to pause.

• 13:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:57Lewis Howes?

  And not go back into default, unconscious, like nervous system reaction and say, okay, what was I thinking about this morning in my prayer or meditation or my reflection about how I want to show up today?

• 14:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:09Lewis Howes?

  And how can I respond differently with a little bit of courage today?

• 14:12Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 14:13Lewis Howes?

  You know what I mean? And then doing that day by day over time, you'll start to develop a new nervous system.

• 14:17Speaker 00

  Yes. And it's very subtle. And I think sometimes we can't even, we don't even realize how much we've Changed until we look back from years before. And I think what's really empowering to know is when the when the brain is worried about the future of the past, are they mad at me? Did I do something wrong? The breath is always here. And so that is always our portal back into the real. If our bodies are stuck in trauma, being with our breath, we're telling our bodies, we're not there. We're here right now. And that's very accessible. We can do it at any time.

• 14:53Lewis Howes?

  I heard someone once say, someone in the younger generation in their twenties, say that every time they leave a room with people in it, they're always wondering what everyone else thinks of them.

• 15:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:08Lewis Howes?

  What is happening when we're always worried about the perception of what other people think of us after we leave a room?

• 15:15Speaker 00

  Well, I think most of the time it is after we leave. And I think that that's what's really interesting and is kind of the what I explore in my book is it's it's in the aftermath, because that's when we're no longer in control of ourselves. We've had the interaction. We've said the joke. We've we've shown up in the way that we did. But once we leave the party, or we leave the work event, we can't control how we're being perceived anymore. And that feels very scary to someone that has found safety through being liked. Because how do I know if they like me? How do I know if what they're thinking of me? Are they talking about me to their partner right now? I don't know.

• 15:57Speaker 00

  And that's really scary. But to me, that's the ultimate work is surrendering control, because we can't control how we're being perceived. We can control what we say, how we say it, how we treat people. But how we're being perceived is really none of our business. And that's hard.

• 16:14Lewis Howes?

  So how can someone create true fulfillment and peace and harmony in their life, knowing they can't control what other people think about them after an interaction with them?

• 16:25Speaker 00

  I think it's being okay that it won't always feel peaceful and harmonious.

• 16:30Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 16:31Speaker 00

  In that sometimes people will be mad at us. Sometimes people won't like us. And let's of course, separate this from we're still being kind people. And when we do something wrong, we're still taking accountability for our actions. But when you are being you and you're being the person you're proud of. And there's someone that misunderstands you or misperceives you. Being misunderstood or misperceived is the scariest thing to a people pleaser. And I think it's the practice becomes not how can I control how I'm being perceived? But how can I move through the discomfort of being perceived? Because we're always being perceived.

• 17:10Lewis Howes?

  The discomfort of how we're being perceived.

• 17:11Speaker 00

  That's right.

• 17:12Lewis Howes?

  And it's like the unknown, maybe they like me, maybe they don't like me.

• 17:15Speaker 00

  I can't fix it. And then that people pleaser part comes in, okay, next time I see them, I'm going to be super on. I'm going to be, I'm going to correct their perception of me. It's just the people pleaser part that's trying to find safety in doing more and being liked. And the practice is really, is really surrendering that.

• 17:31Lewis Howes?

  Instead of thinking, over analyzing and overthinking and over criticizing what you did or didn't do.

• 17:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:38Lewis Howes?

  What can someone do on a day to day basis to show up as their full self? And not worry what everyone else thinks about them?

• 17:45Speaker 00

  I think it's looking in and saying, did that feel true to me? And because like I was saying earlier, we totally lose connection with how we feel and what we think.

• 17:55Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 17:56Speaker 00

  We, a lot of us don't even have the knowledge of what me, what is me? What does me even feel like? I talk about this in my book, I gave an example of I graduated, it's so silly, but it speaks to this feeling. I graduated college and was looking at towels at Bed Bath and Beyond. And I was like, I don't even know what my favorite color is. I don't, am I just a medley of everyone's personalities? Do I exist? Who am I when I'm not being perceived and trying to be liked? And so I think it's, it's really taking that moment to look in and that, just that process of looking in is the healing. Because we're, we're breaking the pattern of always looking out.

• 18:37Lewis Howes?

  Interesting. When someone is a people pleaser.

• 18:42Lewis Howes?

  Is it more they lack confidence? They lack self-worth? Or they lack the understanding of knowing who they truly are?

• 18:50Speaker 00

  I think those are all side effects of the deeper behavior, which is not feeling safe.

• 18:58Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 18:59Speaker 00

  And so when we are constantly finding safety in pleasing others, because that's what we've learned to do. And by the way, most people pleasers were parent pleasers first. And that's often the learned behavior. And then I think the not knowing ourselves, having low confidence, low self-esteem is the result of doing that for such a long period of time and makes so much sense. Um, as opposed to like those being the, the core.

• 19:27Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 19:27Speaker 00

  The core of it. Yeah.

• 19:31Lewis Howes?

  I'm a new parent.

• 19:32Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 19:32Lewis Howes?

  Six months.

• 19:33Speaker 00

  Congratulations.

• 19:34Lewis Howes?

  Thank you. Um, how can I approach parenthood to raise conscious, healthy? You know, young women.

• 19:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 19:45Lewis Howes?

  Into becoming their greatest self, but also being able to be resourceful and talented and, and skill-driven and emotionally intelligent, but not please their father.

• 19:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 19:58Lewis Howes?

  Or their mother, or be a people pleaser, but also be a respectable human being.

• 20:02Speaker 00

  Of course.

• 20:03Lewis Howes?

  And behave in ways that uplift society, not hurting people.

• 20:08Speaker 00

  Well, I think, first of all, you know more about this than I do just by virtue of being a parent already. And also by virtue of you asking that question, you're already being a thoughtful, loving parent because you're concerned about it.

• 20:22Lewis Howes?

  Hundred percent.

• 20:23Speaker 00

  I would say though, the most important skill in parenthood and in any relationship is repair.

• 20:30Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 20:31Speaker 00

  Being able to make a mistake and to go back to that moment and say, honey, I'm so sorry. I messed up. I yelled at you. That was on me. That wasn't your fault. And if you want to talk about it more, I'm here. But I just want you to know, I love you. I'm here. What ends up happening is, for I think for so many of us, for me, a hundred percent, conflict was very big, very volatile. And I would go to my room, process it on my own. And then an hour later, it's safe to go downstairs again and. My dad would say, so what do you want for dinner?

• 21:08Lewis Howes?

  He'd just sweep it under the rug.

• 21:09Speaker 00

  Just brush it under the rug.

• 21:09Lewis Howes?

  No.

• 21:10Speaker 00

  But.

• 21:10Lewis Howes?

  No repair?

• 21:11Speaker 00

  No, oh, never, never, never.

• 21:14Lewis Howes?

  He never apologized?

• 21:15Speaker 00

  Not even in the vocabulary. But there's an effect that happens. When that is happening, when that happens once, it's probably gonna be fine. But when that's happening.

• 21:26Lewis Howes?

  Every week.

• 21:27Speaker 00

  Again, and again, and again, and again. That is something called complex trauma, which is these micro moments of not feeling safe, not feeling loved, day in and day out, day in and day out. What ends up happening for a child is we make sense of that by thinking alone in solitude, in our room, whatever, okay, I did something bad because he was upset. So I must have done something bad. And that evolves over time to I did something bad to I am bad.

• 21:56Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 21:57Speaker 00

  And that is that feeling of I, I'm a bad person. Maybe I'm a bad person. Maybe I'm secretly a bad person. Maybe I'm manipulating everyone in my life into loving me. And I see this so much in my practice. It's such a secret feeling.

• 22:12Lewis Howes?

  Oh.

• 22:13Speaker 00

  Um, and so repair cuts right through that. We're not saying parents won't ever mess up or won't ever yell or aren't ever dysregulated. Parents do not need to be perfect. Please don't try to be perfect. But to have the courage and the humbleness, I guess, to.

• 22:35Lewis Howes?

  Say, I made a mistake.

• 22:36Speaker 00

  I messed up. And I'm a person and I'm, I'm so sorry. That is so healing to a child. So I would say, I would say that.

• 22:45Lewis Howes?

  Repair, repair is the key. So would you say there's a significant link between people have experienced some sort of trauma and then also becoming a people pleaser?

• 22:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, big time, big time. And specifically this, this, what I'm speaking to of this complex trauma where if you grew up. I write about this where growing up was like a home was like a held breath. Like I learned my dad's foot moods by the sound of his footsteps on the on the stairs.

• 23:14Lewis Howes?

  Sound like an earthquake sometimes.

• 23:15Speaker 00

  Hundred percent, or like even the cadence of his breathing. I could know what mood he was in. And how growing up in a home where you were on high, high alert, you were, you know, on edge a lot of the time. I think that's a really common scenario where people pleasing comes through because we learn, okay, what can I do? I can be good. I can be perfect. And that works sometimes. And for a child, that is very empowering is to focus on, you know, the one thing that you can do. That being said, I share a lot of different scenarios and examples of homes that kind of feed that need to please. And there are different ways that it can show up for people.

• 23:59Speaker 00

  Uh, but also it's not just home. It's also, uh, people pleasing is a really big adaptive mechanism to bullying as well. Um, it's an adaptive mechanism to living in society, whether it's your race, sex, sexuality, disability, neurodivergence, learning to be a chameleon and morph yourself to be, to feel safe.

• 24:21Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 24:22Speaker 00

  Just is such a brilliant safety strategy and it can, uh, manifest in a lot of different ways.

• 24:27Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. You talk about these different roles that people tend to play. The peacekeeper, the performer, the caretaker and the chameleon. Can you break down what each one of these looks like in daily life?

• 24:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:39Lewis Howes?

  And which one were you more prominently?

• 24:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think of these not as personality types that more, they're descriptive of patterns. And so, uh, you know, you may see yourself in all of them. I certainly do. Or you might, you know, resonate with one more than the other. Um, also I just want to say there's six.

• 25:00Lewis Howes?

  Six?

• 25:00Speaker 00

  Do you want me to go to all of them?

• 25:02Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, what are the other? Go ahead.

• 25:03Speaker 00

  There's a lot.

• 25:03Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, go ahead.

• 25:04Speaker 00

  Tell me if it becomes too redundant.

• 25:05Lewis Howes?

  No, six. Yeah, that's the peacekeeper.

• 25:07Speaker 00

  Peacekeeper, performer, perfectionist, uh, chameleon, lone wolf and caretaker.

• 25:13Lewis Howes?

  Okay, cool. Awesome.

• 25:14Speaker 00

  So the peacekeeper is the harmonizer in, in the family. Um, is really on high alert of what, how others are doing, wants everyone to be happy. And, uh, really the core belief of the peacekeeper is, um, I can't feel safe until.

• 25:32Speaker 00

  Everything is okay and everyone likes me. And that's true of the Fawn Response in general, but the Peacekeeper is really focused on the harmony of the environment. The perfectionist is all about finding safety through being perfect. For a child that's often achieving, excelling in school, excelling in sports, whatever it may look like. Because a child learns, oh, if I'm really good at those things, I get like a glimpse of joy from my parents. Or I get a, they're proud of me maybe for a split second.

• 26:07Lewis Howes?

  It's probably also looking good too. It's like you sit the right way, you dress the right way. You're like, whatever, mommy and daddy's perfect little boy or girl and how you look and.

• 26:17Speaker 00

  Very much. It's very much image based in that way. And it can be very lonely because, uh, does anyone know me? Who, I can't let people see me when I'm not perfect. And that's a very lonely experience. And then we have the performer. Uh, this one is a little bit specific and that finds a lot of safety in just being on. And maybe it's being funny. Maybe it's just, you know, cracking jokes to keep everyone happy. But I think of, while I was writing this, I thought of just comedians growing up in really dysfunctional homes. And they found safety by.

• 26:55Lewis Howes?

  Humor.

• 26:56Speaker 00

  Keep it humor, keeping everyone happy in that way. Also very lonely because feeling like you need to always be on and, uh, putting on a show is tiring. We're not supposed to do that all the time. Um, and then the caretaker, uh, finds value in being helpful. And maybe it's because you were the oldest sibling. Maybe you had parents who were immigrants and adjusting to a new culture. Or maybe, maybe you had a sibling or a caregiver who had a disability. You had to step up. You had to take on a parental role in some way. But that can also just be because your parents just, for whatever reason, weren't able to fulfill those needs.

• 27:36Speaker 00

  So you stepped up to fill that role. Maybe now as an adult, you feel attracted to. Uh, partners that make you feel like you're the parent. You, because it's a familiar role to you.

• 27:48Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 27:48Speaker 00

  So you, you tend to mother or parent or father your, your romantic partners, very common. And then chameleon, uh, loses themselves with whoever they're with. They, they morph themselves to, to match the people in the room, to be liked by whoever they're with. Maybe they feel this sense of, am I, am I fake? Because I just tend to adjust to, to be liked by whoever I'm with. Do I know who I am? And then the lone wolf, which I kind of think of as its own little category, which is, I'm not allowed to have needs, so I will just disappear. I'm not gonna ask for help.

• 28:29Speaker 00

  Um, I'm not going to show that I need help because my needs don't matter. And you may not think of this one as people pleasing because it's, it's quieter. But it really is people pleasing because it's, others' needs matter. But when I have needs, I need to, I need to disappear. So.

• 28:49Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 28:49Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:50Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 28:51Speaker 00

  Those are the archetypes.

• 28:52Lewis Howes?

  Those are the archetypes.

• 28:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:53Lewis Howes?

  The things that we tend, tend to play out in our lives.

• 28:56Speaker 00

  Yes, and worth noting, when those are the roles that we've had early on in our life, that's often the role unconsciously that we're going to continue playing as adults. Not because we want it, but because what feels familiar will feel safe. And what feels unfamiliar will feel dangerous. So unconsciously, we play out these roles because we're like, I've done this before. I know how to do this. I'm good at this. And so when we try to break it, it feels quite scary, simply because we don't know how to.

• 29:28Lewis Howes?

  It's unfamiliar. It's unfamiliar. So there's a big difference between being kind and people pleasing or fawning.

• 29:35Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 29:35Lewis Howes?

  How can someone tell in real time if they're genuinely being generous? Or quietly betraying themselves?

• 29:43Speaker 00

  That's such a good question. I think asking, do I mean this? Is a really good starting point. Do I, do I mean what I'm about to say or do? And an emotion to look out for is resentment. When we are feeling resentful in a relationship, uh, it's usually a sign that there's a need that isn't being met or expressed. And so when we feel resentful, we can pay attention to it. And let's be clear, sometimes.

• 30:11Speaker 00

  That's going to be inevitable, like people pleasing with your boss. Sometimes you gotta do it, you gotta get a paycheck. You have to, you know, that's, that's genuine safety seeking. But people pleasing with your best friend who would totally understand? Maybe not as necessary. So it's important to discern.

• 30:29Lewis Howes?

  Context.

• 30:30Speaker 00

  Context matters.

• 30:31Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 30:31Speaker 00

  Um, it's, it's not so black or white, but I think regardless, if we are people pleasing with your boss or your best friend, we can still pause and look inward. What's happening? What need of mine isn't being met? What, if I could say or do anything, what would I say or do? Okay, now, given the reality, what can I say or do? I would start there.

• 30:53Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. There's certain people that, for whatever reason, I don't know if it's culturally, tend to say, "I'm sorry," after everything.

• 31:02Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 31:03Lewis Howes?

  Like, if they're just walking through the store, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Like, they didn't say something the right way, "I'm sorry for, for not saying this," or, "I'm sorry I'm late," or it's just like a constant, "I'm sorry."

• 31:13Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 31:14Lewis Howes?

  Is that a similar symptom, I guess, of people pleasing? Or where does that come from?

• 31:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, absolutely. Apologizing for, well, there's, there's a self-blame element to that of, "Me existing is an inconvenience, and I'm, I'm so sorry for that." It's definitely a tendency of the fond response, in that I need to show you that I'm small. Of course, there's a difference between, you know, genuine apologizing and taking accountability, but just, "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry." When we're doing that all the time, it actually asks a lot of the other person, because the other person then needs to say, "You're fine."

• 31:57Lewis Howes?

  It's okay.

• 31:57Speaker 00

  It's okay.

• 31:58Lewis Howes?

  No big deal.

• 31:59Speaker 00

  They need to make, soothe your discomfort of feeling guilty.

• 32:02Lewis Howes?

  Isn't that interesting?

• 32:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, and so that's why I always say people pleasing isn't really pleasing many people. It's, it's tiring for you, it's tiring for the other person, because it requires the other person to give a lot of reassurance. And there's a difference between validation and reassurance, which I can certainly get into, but...

• 32:23Lewis Howes?

  What is the difference between validation and reassurance?

• 32:26Speaker 00

  Well, reassurance-seeking as a behavior is very common for people-pleasers. It can sound like, "Are you mad at me? Do you still love me? Do you think I look pretty in this? Are we okay?" It's a lot of yes or no questions. And the other person might say, "No, I'm not mad at you. Yes, I still love you. Yes, I think you're beautiful." And temporarily, it feels like, "Okay, we're good then." But then it comes right back.

• 32:51Lewis Howes?

  Every day or every week, it's like, "Why?"

• 32:53Speaker 00

  It comes right back.

• 32:54Lewis Howes?

  Why do people need that reassurance constantly?

• 32:56Speaker 00

  Because we're not getting to the root emotion beneath it. The anxiety, the insecurity, the feeling of deficiency. Versus seeking validation, might say to the other person, well, we're first, we're slowing down. We're saying, "I'm feeling insecure right now. Hmm, what triggered this? Okay, let me think about this. Like, what's happening here? We're looking inward first, but we're having a conversation." So, that might sound like, "Hey, I've been feeling kind of distant from you and our relationship, and I just wanted to check in about it. I wanted to see if you were feeling it too." And it's a conversation. You're not asking the other person to diminish the anxiety for you. You're letting both people share their emotions.

• 33:41Speaker 00

  Of course, the other person might say, might give some reassurance. "Oh, my gosh, I had..." "No, I'm not mad at you at all. I'm so sorry you thought that." But it's a slowing down with the emotion. But it's really what we were talking about, being able to tolerate discomfort. Being able to, you know, be with our own discomfort when that anxiety gets triggered. And let it pass a little bit before acting on it.

• 34:05Lewis Howes?

  How does someone create their own self-reassurance and own self-validation without seeking it from their partner, friends, or family constantly?

• 34:14Speaker 00

  Yeah, and it's a balance, because it's okay to need people at the same time. It's okay to want to hear nice things from the people we love. But I think it's the steps that we're taking. I think it's first, pausing, put the phone down. Don't analyze the texts or wonder, "Oh, my gosh, where did I go wrong here?"

• 34:38Speaker 00

  Allow yourself to be in some quiet... Identify what does feel soothing to you. Is it deep breaths? Is it taking a walk? Is it taking a bath? Is it cooking yourself a nice meal? Identifying what does feel regulating for your nervous system. And reflecting, what's triggered this? What's happening here? Is this a pattern? Is this a one-off thing? Spending some time with it, maybe it's journaling out what happened, or maybe it's recording a voice memo as if you were talking to someone about it.

• 35:09Speaker 00

  And then, yeah, of course, we can have a conversation with the person, but I think it requires some reflection for us, yeah.

• 35:16Lewis Howes?

  What would you say is the most powerful emotion that most of us are ignoring?

• 35:22Speaker 00

  Shame.

• 35:25Speaker 00

  Shame and distinguishing that from guilt. As emotions, I think it's so important for people pleasers.

• 35:33Lewis Howes?

  Do you think most people are ignoring shame that they feel?

• 35:38Speaker 00

  I think people pleasers are ignoring resentment and anger. And I think people pleasers feel a lot of shame. Where do you want me to go?

• 35:50Lewis Howes?

  Why do people pleasers feel so much shame?

• 35:54Speaker 00

  We feel a lot of shame because there's an inherent belief that everything we do is wrong and not enough. Because remember, the fawn responds, find safety in doing more. And so if we were to believe that we are doing more, I mean, sorry, if we were to believe we are doing enough, that would kind of feel a little scary to this part of ourselves that has learned, I need to always try more and try harder. It's challenging that core belief a little bit. So shame is really important because, well, we've learned to use self-blame as a coping mechanism. And we need to always...

• 36:35Speaker 00

  Make ourselves smaller. We need to always make ourselves disappear. We have this, like I said, that that sort of chronic feeling of I'm bad or I'm doing something wrong. People don't like me. There's just this constant critical voice that's happening for people pleasers.

• 36:53Speaker 00

  And I think recognizing that that voice is there, but it's not always true. It's rarely true. Our inner voice is a tape recorder. It's a tape recorder of all the things we've heard growing up from society. And so to have awareness of that voice without immediately believing it is the most powerful tool.

• 37:12Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. What is one sentence someone can say to set a boundary without feeling guilty?

• 37:19Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 37:20Lewis Howes?

  Whether it be an email, whether it be in person, whether it be like, how can you say something to set a boundary?

• 37:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:27Lewis Howes?

  To not feel resentful by pleasing and giving in.

• 37:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:30Lewis Howes?

  But also without feeling guilty.

• 37:34Speaker 00

  Well, I'm gonna give you an annoying answer, which is that you might feel guilty. Simply because it's you're doing something new. And so if people pleasing has been our baseline, saying no will feel aggressive, just because we've never said no before.

• 37:50Lewis Howes?

  You'll feel like you're a bad person.

• 37:51Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 37:52Lewis Howes?

  When you say no, you're gonna feel like I'm a bad person.

• 37:54Speaker 00

  Let's define what is guilt, and then I promise I will give a direct question, answer. Guilt says, I've done something wrong. I've done something that is out of alignment with my values and my morals. And so I think knowing what guilt even is, is so important. Because when you feel guilty, let's say, hmm, let's say you were out with friends and you don't feel like drinking that night. And so you were like, no, I'm not gonna drink. And then your friends are like, come on, have some fun. You're so lame. So then you feel guilty for saying I'm not drinking. Well, pause. Are you doing something bad? Are you doing something morally wrong in this moment?

• 38:36Speaker 00

  Absolutely not. You are just choosing to make your own decision and your friends disagree, but you're not doing something morally wrong. What ends up happening with people pleasers, we take other people's discomfort and we absorb that as guilt. But it's not guilt. It's just.

• 38:58Speaker 00

  Hypervigilance to other people's dissatisfaction. And so I think being able to actually discern what, when is it? When am I doing something wrong? And when is it actually just a fleeting moment of discomfort that I need to sit with?

• 39:14Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 39:15Speaker 00

  You know?

• 39:17Lewis Howes?

  Takes practice. It takes a lot of practice.

• 39:19Speaker 00

  It does. Should I answer your question?

• 39:21Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, go ahead. Go ahead.

• 39:22Speaker 00

  I guess I can do that.

• 39:23Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 39:24Speaker 00

  I think it's super important to start. You mentioned earlier that when you first started saying no to people, it didn't go well. I thought that was really interesting. Or that like people, because people were so used to you being the yes man. It's so important to start with people that feel safe. It's so important. With anything trauma related and in trauma healing, we have to start small and safe. Otherwise, we're gonna shock our nervous system. For example, if you were to set a boundary with your like.

• 39:56Lewis Howes?

  Your parents or something.

• 39:57Speaker 00

  Your parent that you have a very rocky relationship with. They're not gonna have a good reaction.

• 40:02Lewis Howes?

  You may not be in their lives anymore. You know what I mean? It's like.

• 40:05Speaker 00

  It might be destructive. And so what would happen is you would set that boundary. They would have a huge reaction and then your nervous system would be like, this is why people please. What are we doing? Go back to what I know.

• 40:17Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 40:18Speaker 00

  So it's really important to identify relationships that feel safe. Like your best friend or your loving partner. If you have a close sibling relationship. And it's even, can even be a shared practice. You can let them in on what you're working on.

• 40:33Lewis Howes?

  I like that, yeah.

• 40:34Speaker 00

  I've been working on something. I'm really trying to be more honest in my relationships. Because I feel like I kind of, I'm not letting people in. I'm not show, I'm not being authentic. And I end up saying yes when I don't mean it. And then I feel upset with myself and.

• 40:50Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 40:51Speaker 00

  I just want you to know that that's something I'm working on. Um, and then. With the right person, they're gonna be really proud of you for saying no or for expressing a need.

• 41:01Lewis Howes?

  The right person, yeah, yeah.

• 41:02Speaker 00

  With the right person, but it's really important to start with the right person.

• 41:06Lewis Howes?

  And I think the way, context is everything. Instead of just saying to your best friend, who maybe you've had some resentments because you say yes too much or whatever. And just saying, you know what, I'm gonna start saying no to you when you want me to do this. You can't start with that context.

• 41:19Speaker 00

  Of course.

• 41:20Lewis Howes?

  It's gotta be like, you know, I've really been discovering that I've been feeling this kind of frustration when I do this in life with people.

• 41:25Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 41:26Lewis Howes?

  And I wanna be more in tune with myself in all my relationships. And I love to practice this together. Like, I don't want you to say yes to me on something you don't wanna do also.

• 41:36Speaker 00

  I love that.

• 41:37Lewis Howes?

  Like, I want you to feel like you can say no if you don't wanna go out to the bar and drink with me.

• 41:42Speaker 00

  It goes both ways.

• 41:43Lewis Howes?

  You know, it's like, is this something you'd be open to practicing with me?

• 41:46Speaker 00

  Yes, yes.

• 41:47Lewis Howes?

  So that I can improve in my life and this and that?

• 41:49Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 41:50Lewis Howes?

  It's the context setting.

• 41:51Speaker 00

  It's definitely context. And I don't know about you, but in relationships that I can be really honest and the other person can be honest with me, I feel the closest to those friends. Because I'm never wondering, are they saying something they don't mean? I'm always trusting that if they're upset, they'll tell me.

• 42:10Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 42:10Speaker 00

  And that's a big practice for people pleasers as well, is to not mind read so much. Because we often are like, well, maybe they meant this by this. And they had kind of, they didn't laugh that hard at my joke, so maybe, and so we end up creating these scenarios that don't exist. Of course, if we've actively harmed someone, we should be the one to initiate that interaction. But allow them and trust that they will come to you if there's something to be spoken about. And that's a hard one.

• 42:41Lewis Howes?

  It's hard.

• 42:42Speaker 00

  That's a hard one.

• 42:45Lewis Howes?

  In your New York Times bestselling book, Are You Mad at Me? You say on page 159 that "pain travels through families until someone is ready to face it." How does trauma pass through our DNA, through our families? Is this DNA or is this more just learned behavior in the environment?

• 43:05Speaker 00

  It's actually both. It's actually both. It's actually passed down in our DNA through these genetic markers and through these genetic codes. And of course, it's also, how we are raised is going to be unconsciously how we will raise.

• 43:25Speaker 00

  Our children, if we decide to have them, until someone becomes conscious of the patterns that have been happening and goes through the emotional labor of breaking that pattern, so.

• 43:38Lewis Howes?

  One person has to say, "I'm gonna break generational trauma."

• 43:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 43:43Lewis Howes?

  "I'm gonna be the one to go through hell for however long it takes to regulate my nervous system."

• 43:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 43:50Lewis Howes?

  "To heal, to have conscious conversations, to have the courage to speak up and use my voice, and to pass down a new language."

• 43:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:00Lewis Howes?

  "A new environment to the people in my life." And it takes a lot of work.

• 44:05Speaker 00

  And it won't be perfect. And I think that is what I see a lot as well, is this pressure.

• 44:11Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 44:11Speaker 00

  To, "Oh, well, if I'm a cycle breaker, I need to be perfect at breaking them."

• 44:16Lewis Howes?

  It's gonna be messy.

• 44:17Speaker 00

  No.

• 44:18Lewis Howes?

  Messy!

• 44:19Speaker 00

  That's, that's a really, that's a high standard to hold yourself to, and it's not human. We're going to mess up. I'm sure my future kids will go to therapy for something that I did, I'm sure, but I always.

• 44:31Lewis Howes?

  You're a therapist.

• 44:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, of course, I'm a person, and I'm sure that what I always like to say is, I think a parent's weakness becomes a child's strength. Like, there are things about my parents that I'm actively wanting to break. I wanna be, practice being a non-reactive parent. I wanna practice taking accountability and owning up to my mistakes. And I'm sure there'll be areas where I miss the mark, and my future children will, you know, break that pattern. So, we can't be perfect. Being perfect is damaging. Does that mean you're never being upset? You're never showing sadness? That's really damaging as well, so.

• 45:10Lewis Howes?

  Striving to be the perfect person is not, is not the goal.

• 45:13Speaker 00

  Just doing our best. We're just doing our best.

• 45:16Lewis Howes?

  What's the one thing you've learned through all the research in therapy and your studies and practices that you realize that you still need work on as a person?

• 45:26Speaker 00

  Oh, so much. A lot. I would say my inner critic could use some softening still. A hundred percent. I, I still, I have such, I've always had very, very critical thoughts. As I've said, inner voice is a tape recorder, you know, I picked up on that, but.

• 45:48Speaker 00

  I think the practice that I'm working on and continue to work on is it's not about erasing that voice, but changing my relationship to it. That voice is still there because that little girl inside of me is still there. And so if I were to say, what's wrong with me? Why don't I have a softer inner dialogue? I'm really saying, what's wrong with this little girl? She shouldn't be here. And so to have acceptance that this voice is here, but to just not believe it so much. But I can get very, very hard on myself. I can hold myself to a very perfectionistic standard that's I know consciously is unfair. But just to give some space between that voice and myself and recognize that voice is just trying to protect me.

• 46:33Speaker 00

  Because if I'm perfect, maybe I won't be criticized or judged or misunderstood. It's such a self protective voice. So creating just some distance between that voice. There you are again. Hello. Yeah.

• 46:45Lewis Howes?

  When the wounded girl in you

• 46:50Lewis Howes?

  is feeling criticized or overwhelmed, what is she saying to you?

• 46:55Speaker 00

  I think just like, stop taking life so seriously. It's not that deep. Yeah, I think zoom out a little bit.

• 47:08Speaker 00

  Anytime I then like, I'll meditate for 10 minutes or I'll go for a walk in nature. Like, what was I worried about again? It's just thoughts are very all consuming when they're loud and they're very believable. And that's why the practice of awareness is everything because we we're going to believe the fearful thoughts way more than the loving thoughts in our mind.

• 47:33Lewis Howes?

  Why is that?

• 47:34Speaker 00

  Because we're hardwired for safety. And so we're going to

• 47:41Speaker 00

  pay more attention to those thoughts because we think there's a threat of some sort. And so the loving thoughts feel very hard to believe, especially if our history is rooted in, you know, if we have a trauma history. So it's just, it's just human. Just makes sense.

• 48:00Lewis Howes?

  How can we learn to? Have more loving thoughts and believe them versus critical thoughts and believe those.

• 48:10Speaker 00

  There's two types of thoughts in my mind. There's like that unconscious voice, that subconscious voice that just chatters. It's that background noise that we hear all day. And those are often our critical thoughts. It's just, just there. Versus the, there's a more conscious voice, a more intuitive voice. Do you know what I mean?

• 48:33Lewis Howes?

  Sure.

• 48:34Speaker 00

  Of when we're like actually consciously speaking to ourselves. If I'm like, okay, I'm hearing this voice and I'm saying to it, I'm safe. It's okay. It's, everything's okay right now. I think those are two different voices.

• 48:49Speaker 00

  So I, I really use a lot in my clinical work, um, internal family systems as an approach of viewing this.

• 48:57Lewis Howes?

  Dick Schwartz, right?

• 48:58Speaker 00

  Uh huh. Viewing this voice as a part. And I talk about this in my book of this people pleaser is a part of you that has found safety through pleasing and being perfect and good. We're not trying to get rid of this voice and this part. We're trying to actually create a relationship to it. So it knows, you don't need to work so hard anymore.

• 49:20Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, we had Frank Anderson on here and he's, you know, kind of in partnership with Dick Schwartz or worked with him for a long time about the internal family systems. And for those who aren't aware of what this is, what is internal family systems? And how does it make us feel more safe, understanding that there's all these parts of us?

• 49:37Speaker 00

  Yes. On a broad level, it's that we are made up of a bunch of different parts that all play very important roles and functions that are all trying to keep us safe.

• 49:48Lewis Howes?

  These are like psychological parts, emotional parts?

• 49:51Speaker 00

  That's a good question. It's, it's complex. It's both. It's all of it. It's emotional, it's psychological, it's biological as well, but I think it's.

• 50:04Speaker 00

  It's that these parts play a role in the system that makes up you. And they're all working hard to keep you safe. Um, but what ends up happening, I think, is when specifically through how I view the people pleaser part in Are You Mad at Me is when we are stuck in this old way of being, this people pleaser part overcompensates and works so hard and is so exhausted because it thinks it needs to. And so the healing is as us, true, our true selves, the wise, grounded, regulated versions of ourselves to create a relationship with that part. Thank you so much for working so hard.

• 50:49Speaker 00

  I actually don't need you right now. You can sleep. I will need you again, but I don't need you in this moment. We're not erasing it, but we're creating a relationship.

• 50:58Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 50:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:00Lewis Howes?

  Speaking of relationships, you've had a, coming up will be eight years sober for you.

• 51:05Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 51:05Lewis Howes?

  That you were talking about. What is your relationship like with yourself now eight years sober versus what it was when you were drinking alcohol as a coping mechanism?

• 51:16Speaker 00

  Totally. It's funny. I always say I don't feel like worthy of using the word sober because I didn't consider myself to get to a point of addiction. So I almost feel like I don't deserve that word or whatever, or because I don't have a distinct date. I have just like a timeframe that I stopped drinking. I'm like, do I do? Am I worthy? Am I allowed to use that word? But yes, I, I, by definition, I guess I am.

• 51:45Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 51:46Speaker 00

  Um, a lot.

• 51:47Lewis Howes?

  So you weren't, you weren't considering yourself an alcoholic before?

• 51:50Speaker 00

  Well, I think I just had, I hadn't been drinking long enough, I think, too.

• 51:56Lewis Howes?

  Sure.

• 51:56Speaker 00

  But when I would drink, it would be very black or white, like we were talking about of I was either not drinking or I, yeah, or I was going all out, even when I didn't intend to. And it's worth noting, I grew up, my dad was very much an addict with not just alcohol and my whole, like, I have very early memories of that. So that was my image of substances, even though I consciously knew I don't want to repeat that. I don't want to do that. I, I have this black or white tendency in me. And so A lot has changed in that I'm just first of all so used to not drinking at this point where

• 52:41Speaker 00

  I'm like, why would I, why would I want to go back to it? But I think for me, drinking was, uh, I was so in control during the day. Um, I struggled with eating. I struggled with over exercising. Uh, I was very perfectionistic regimented. That was just my way of coping with a lot of the unprocessed memories that I hadn't yet faced. Um, and drinking was kind of finally I can like release and let go of control. Um, but it was really triggering for me. Like a lot would come out. A lot of wounds would come out. All my fears, all my anxieties would just kind of pour out of me when I would drink.

• 53:26Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 53:26Speaker 00

  Um, again, because I wasn't, I was going hard, you know, like it was, it wasn't just like a tasteful glass of wine with dinner.

• 53:36Lewis Howes?

  Cheese.

• 53:36Speaker 00

  It was college too, which I think is also complicated. It's like this context where it's fine. It's fine to be doing that. Societally.

• 53:45Lewis Howes?

  It's not even fine. It's celebrated.

• 53:46Speaker 00

  Totally.

• 53:47Lewis Howes?

  Let's go out and party and do this or whatever, right?

• 53:49Speaker 00

  And you're kind of like get ripped on if you're not doing that. If you're like, if you're in that world. So, um, I, but I got a really bad concussion in college.

• 53:59Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 54:00Speaker 00

  Yeah. Um, and that, I really feel, I feel that was like a pivotal point in my spiritual process. I think that was meant to happen. Um, because it forced me to stop. Everything stopped. I couldn't drink. I had to sit there in silence, in darkness. And it was a, it was a pretty long recovery for me.

• 54:27Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 54:27Speaker 00

  Yeah. Um, and so that was really the first point where I stopped drinking in college. And then after that, the drinking just tapered. I never really went back to heavy drinking after that. Um, and then yeah, eventually I was just like, I actually just don't even want this at all. So just stopped.

• 54:51Lewis Howes?

  How does someone learn how to not use drugs and alcohol as a coping mechanism to release and relax and let loose and reveal themselves, but actually be loose and free without drugs and alcohol or substances?

• 55:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 55:09Lewis Howes?

  To be able to express themselves throughout the day?

• 55:13Speaker 00

  It's funny, I think whether it's drugs, alcohol, shopping, any sort of

• 55:21Speaker 00

  behavior where you feel you lose control of yourself, binge eating, there are so many, and again, like with each of these, it gets clinically, I would view each of them differently, and it would get more complicated, but-

• 55:33Lewis Howes?

  There's probably a root wound underneath each one of these tendencies, correct?

• 55:39Speaker 00

  Right, in that we're finding safety through this control-based behavior, where if I'm honing in on this behavior, I don't need to feel the discomfort, I don't need to feel the anxiety, I don't need to face what is bubbling beneath the surface. What ends up happening is we have this uncomfortable motion rise up, and so we immediately grab a drink, or we scroll, or we shop, or we overeat, whatever the coping mechanism may be.

• 56:13Lewis Howes?

  Porn, whatever it might be, yeah.

• 56:14Speaker 00

  Absolutely, sex addiction, it's all to me, and I think of it quite similarly, similarly but different, of course.

• 56:22Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 56:23Speaker 00

  And so, I think it's a layered clinical approach, but I would think of it as, what during the day, how can you slowly increase that tolerance for feeling that discomfort throughout your day, and feeling safe throughout the day, so that the impulse control becomes less, you have more control over your impulses?

• 56:46Lewis Howes?

  How do you start to feel safe when you feel uncomfortable-

• 56:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 56:50Lewis Howes?

  -with that pain inside, or that-

• 56:52Speaker 00

  Well, safety's slow, and I think we often think of, well, if I'm present, that means I'll feel good all the time. That's not true at all. I think presence often means feeling kinda shit.

• 57:07Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 57:07Speaker 00

  And, am I allowed to say that on your show?

• 57:09Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 57:10Speaker 00

  Yeah, super bad word, I know, it's really rebellious. I think it's being with-

• 57:15Lewis Howes?

  Are you mad at me for saying that?

• 57:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, very, I know. It's being with what is and sometimes being present means being with that inner critic. It means being with agitation in your body. Of course, it's really important to take in that discomfort in bite sized pieces.

• 57:33Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 57:34Speaker 00

  So that it feels safe to do so, but it don't always feel good.

• 57:38Lewis Howes?

  It doesn't always feel good. You said that we can't change our past, but we can shift our internal experience or interpretation of the past. And so what would you say then is the first step to shifting the internal feeling of being unsafe?

• 57:54Speaker 00

  I think it starts in the body. And I, for people pleasers, for perfectionists, it can get very intellectual.

• 58:00Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 58:01Speaker 00

  What should I be telling myself? What are the exact words that I should be saying to myself? And of course, self-talk is very powerful, but I think it's from the neck down.

• 58:12Speaker 00

  It's, it's slowing down our bodies. It's even just elongating the exhale sends immediate safety signals to our body. If inhale for four, exhale for six, it's immediately telling the body, you're good, we're safe here. And again, that doesn't mean it feels good. It can feel kind of discouraging. Well, I took a deep breath. I still have, I still feel anxious. But good for you. You're noticing the anxiety that's there and you're allowing yourself to acknowledge it. That is such a huge step. So.

• 58:43Lewis Howes?

  It's big.

• 58:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:44Lewis Howes?

  If you could give your younger self one gentle reminder, what would it be?

• 58:49Speaker 00

  Oof.

• 58:51Speaker 00

  How young are we talking?

• 58:54Lewis Howes?

  The time, the time you feel like you needed that reminder the most?

• 59:00Speaker 00

  I would say you're doing enough.

• 59:05Speaker 00

  You're doing enough. I think I internalized the message early on. I just need to always be. Doing more and making, you know, achieving more and pleasing more and caretaking more. And you're doing enough. And it's something that's actually, I think, important to mention with that people pleaser voice is when we have accomplishments, when we get an accomplishment done as a people pleaser, it's really common to feel kind of relief instead of joy of like, I did it. I did it, but we're not actually that happy with ourselves because we always expected ourselves. It was always our obligation to have to do it.

• 59:50Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 59:50Speaker 00

  And so I think just that, that message of enoughness can feel kind of cliche even, but it's so important because we remember we find safety in doing more. And so for just this to be enough is very powerful, you know?

• 1:00:07Lewis Howes?

  You are enough. As a leading psychotherapist, what is your ultimate message to all people pleasers out there?

• 1:00:17Speaker 00

  Just one? Just one message?

• 1:00:19Lewis Howes?

  What would be your message?

• 1:00:21Speaker 00

  I would say, which is a chapter in my book, nothing is personal, nothing is permanent, and nothing is perfect, where we can remember those three pillars. I think that's,

• 1:00:34Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:35Speaker 00

  That's a good place to start.

• 1:00:36Lewis Howes?

  Good message.

• 1:00:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:00:37Lewis Howes?

  Your book is called, Are You Mad at Me? How to Stop Focusing on What Others Think and Start Living for You. It's got a lot of different praise and a lot of great resources and tools to help people on their journey. So if you feel like you are, some of this is resonating with you and you want some more tools, make sure to get a copy of Meg's book, Are You Mad at Me? You're also all over social media, Meg Josephson on social media, TikTok, Instagram, Substack, which is called Peace of Mind, at megjosephson.com. I've got two final questions for you. This has been really inspiring. Is there anything, first off, is there anything that we've missed that you feel like you would like to share?

• 1:01:21Speaker 00

  I don't think so.

• 1:01:22Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 1:01:22Speaker 00

  Covered good ground.

• 1:01:23Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, really good ground. This is called the three truths. It's a hypothetical scenario. So imagine, Meg, you get to live as long as you want, but it's your last day on this earth. In the future, in the future. And you live the life of your dreams from this moment until that last day. But for whatever reason, on the last day, you have to take all of your work with you. So this content, your books and anything you create, it's gone.

• 1:01:45Speaker 00

  It doesn't exist on earth.

• 1:01:47Lewis Howes?

  Doesn't exist on earth anymore. Hypothetical.

• 1:01:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:01:49Lewis Howes?

  But on the final day, you get to leave behind three lessons. Three truths that you would leave behind to the world. And this is all we would have of your content. What would be those three truths for you on that last day?

• 1:02:03Speaker 00

  Oh, well, I'm sure these truths were said by so many people that came before me that taught me those truths. So mine would just be paraphrasing what I've learned from other people. But a huge, just my core principle is just that everything's fleeting and impermanent. Whether it's an uncomfortable sensation in the body or whether things are going really well. This is impermanent. And just to acknowledging that impermanence allows us to enjoy the good stuff and move through the challenging stuff with more ease.

• 1:02:41Speaker 00

  A second one, I would say, this is something that I'm, I'm saying this because it's just something I'm working on is just opening my heart. Be open. I think it's really easy to be, close off our energy for self-preservation and protection and, you know, prevent being seen and just practice being open. These are all things I tell myself. So I guess that's what I'm imparting, what I'm telling myself. And then perhaps the last one would be, I guess, another, of course, non-attachment.

• 1:03:16Speaker 00

  And of course, many people before me have, have expressed this, but I just think so much of my personal suffering, a lot of our suffering comes from gripping on to our expectations of what this moment should be or what we, you know, think we should be doing or what we should be feeling or shouldn't be feeling. And just practicing letting the moment roll off of us.

• 1:03:42Speaker 00

  Knowing that it will change and that it isn't permanent.

• 1:03:45Lewis Howes?

  Exactly.

• 1:03:45Speaker 00

  Is a constant practice for me.

• 1:03:48Lewis Howes?

  My therapist says, high engagement, low attachment.

• 1:03:53Speaker 00

  Love that.

• 1:03:53Lewis Howes?

  Be fully engaged and like

• 1:03:55Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:03:55Lewis Howes?

  passionate and excited about what you want to create, but not attached to the result.

• 1:04:00Speaker 00

  Don't get attached to it. Absolutely. Absolutely. It's everything.

• 1:04:04Lewis Howes?

  Meg, I want to acknowledge you for the journey you've been on. And I know you have gone through a lot growing up and you talk about it in your, your book about your experience with your father and different challenges you faced. And I acknowledge you for using your life to heal and to study so you can help others overcome their pain and trauma because it's a lot when a child goes through uncertainties on a daily or weekly basis.

• 1:04:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:04:34Lewis Howes?

  And the fact that you have made it your life's mission to serve others is something I really acknowledge in you.

• 1:04:40Speaker 00

  Oh, you're making me cry. Thank you.

• 1:04:42Lewis Howes?

  So I appreciate the work you're doing. Yeah.

• 1:04:44Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 1:04:44Lewis Howes?

  My final question is, what's your definition of greatness?

• 1:04:48Speaker 00

  I've been thinking about this, knowing that you would ask it to me.

• 1:04:53Speaker 00

  I think, well, I think greatness is a, it's so individually defined and it will look different for everyone. And I think that is greatness, is knowing what does greatness mean to me?

• 1:05:08Speaker 00

  But I think for me greatness is presence. And being able to be with whatever is happening through the hard stuff, through the positive stuff, experiencing it because it just means I'm alive, is being able to, to live it. So.

• 1:05:25Lewis Howes?

  There you go.

• 1:05:26Speaker 00

  I would say that.

• 1:05:26Lewis Howes?

  Meg, thanks for being here. Appreciate you.

• 1:05:28Speaker 00

  Thank you so much. Appreciate it. Thank you.

• 1:05:30Lewis Howes?

  I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel. exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you if no one has told you lately that

• 1:06:11Lewis Howes?

  you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.