Armchair Anonymous: Subway

Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us about a crazy subway experience. Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondery App or wherever you get your podcasts. Watch new content on YouTube or listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free by joining Wondery+ in the Wondery App, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify. Start your free trial by visiting wondery.com/links/armchair-expert-with-dax-shepard/ http://www.wondery.com/links/armchair-expert-with-dax-shepard/ now. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Dax Shepard?

  Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Rather and I'm joined by Monica Padman.

• 0:05Speaker 01

  Hi.

• 0:05Dax Shepard?

  Hi.

• 0:06Speaker 01

  You said it, a little Indian.

• 0:08Dax Shepard?

  I just wanted to say Padman, but I guess just saying P O makes it seem like I'm doing that. But actually, in my mind, I changed your name to P O D M A N.

• 0:16Speaker 01

  Oh, because podcast.

• 0:17Dax Shepard?

  Exactly. You got it. Thanks for saving me. This is about subways. And you know what's great about subways is almost anything can happen on a subway. You might just think this will be like mechanical disasters.

• 0:29Speaker 01

  Not a one.

• 0:29Dax Shepard?

  No. All the human offerings are in this one.

• 0:32Speaker 01

  This is a harrowing episode. I've already sort of stopped going on the subway in New York. I don't go on the subway anymore.

• 0:39Dax Shepard?

  You don't?

• 0:39Speaker 01

  No, which I know is, it feels like cheating. It's bougie. I recognize that, but this did not make me want to go back.

• 0:46Dax Shepard?

  I'm not going to claim that I use the subway a lot because I too will often jump in a cab. It just feels more convenient in that moment for me to just get in a cab.

• 0:56Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 0:57Dax Shepard?

  But I actually love being on the subway, especially with headphones on. It's such good people watching.

• 1:01Speaker 01

  Well, I will be clear. It's not that I jump in a taxi. I mean, I do every now and then, but I'll walk an hour and a half to get to a location.

• 1:08Dax Shepard?

  We share that in common. Yeah, yeah. We just recently walked a couple thousand blocks from Shaq's.

• 1:13Speaker 01

  Fun.

• 1:13Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, it really is. It's the single best part. Anyways, we're getting distracted. Please enjoy subway stories. We get support from Quince.

• 1:21Speaker 01

  Okay. Can we talk about the fact that the holidays are already here? It's crazy. I feel like I blinked and now we're in gifting season, which I'm not really mad about because I do love giving gifts. And Quince is making it so easy to find something great for everyone on my list, including myself. Because let's be honest, self-gifting is a love language.

• 1:41Dax Shepard?

  Quince is seriously the gift that keeps on giving. Their high-quality staples are made with premium materials like 100% Mongolian cashmere, 14-karat gold, and Italian leather. Full-on luxury quality at prices that won't wreck your holiday budget.

• 1:57Speaker 01

  It's the dream. The cashmere sweater, starting at $60, down jackets, wool outerwear, cashmere accessories. You and everyone on your list are staying cozy and looking incredible all season long.

• 2:08Dax Shepard?

  Well, I'm going to tell you this. It just got chilly. For the first time this year in California and I'm so excited and I'm wearing my Quince cashmere right now.

• 2:15Speaker 01

  It's great.

• 2:16Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, and I am going to gift this to some of my friends. I hope they're not listening.

• 2:20Speaker 01

  Quince is also more than clothing. They've got fine jewelry for your significant other, leather bags for your bestie, hotel quality bedding to set up your guest rooms, chef-grade cookware. That's an amazing thing they offer here and it's such a good gift because people don't like buying cookware for themselves, but it's very important. And they also have five-star luggage, another good gift that people don't like buying for themselves.

• 2:42Dax Shepard?

  Give the gift of quality this holiday season. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was Armchair Expert. It's the best way to support the show. This episode is supported by Helix.

• 3:07Speaker 01

  Okay, can we talk about how November is basically survival mode? Between the holidays, the travel, the hosting, the cooking, the everything. Sleep is the one thing keeping me from completely unraveling.

• 3:18Dax Shepard?

  It really is the foundation and I think people underestimate how much a bad mattress is quietly ruining their day. You wake up stiff, your back's angry, you're already behind before your feet hit the floor.

• 3:29Speaker 01

  That was me before Helix. I took their sleep quiz, which is so fast. It's taking like two minutes and they matched me to a mattress that actually fits how I sleep. Not a guess, not a firm or soft coin flip. It's a real match. I have a midnight mattress and I really like it. I was noticing it because I actually had to sleep in one of my other beds recently.

• 3:47Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 3:47Speaker 01

  That doesn't have a Helix mattress on it and I really could tell a big difference in my sleep.

• 3:51Dax Shepard?

  Temperature was all over the map.

• 3:53Speaker 01

  It was a mess. I need a new one.

• 3:55Dax Shepard?

  Look, they've got over 20 mattress models, so whether you sleep hot, need extra back support, or you've got a partner who moves around all night, there's one built for you. Plus free shipping and a 365-night happy with Helix guarantee. That's a full year to decide.

• 4:09Speaker 01

  Helix has been named the most awarded mattress by Forbes, Wired, and more. So it's not just us being enthusiastic. The experts agree.

• 4:16Dax Shepard?

  Right now Helix is running their Black Friday sale with up to 30% off. Go to helixsleep.com/armchair for up to 30% off your Helix mattress. That's helixsleep.com/armchair for up to 30% off your Helix mattress. Helixsleep.com/armchair.

• 4:54Speaker 01

  Hello.

• 4:56Dax Shepard?

  How are you? Look at this very exciting room we're in. There's a lot to look at.

• 5:00Speaker 01

  There's cute baby pictures.

• 5:02Dax Shepard?

  There's babies, there's a checkered something behind you.

• 5:06Speaker 02

  This is my closet that I put anything random that I don't know where I should go.

• 5:11Dax Shepard?

  You've got like a junk closet.

• 5:13Speaker 02

  It's like a memory box closet and it is my only closet.

• 5:17Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I didn't mean to be derogatory. Just we call that a junk drawer.

• 5:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, we got in a issue which you'll hear soon about hoarding. Would you call yourself a hoarder or no?

• 5:30Speaker 02

  I was a hoarder and then we renovated our home and I had to clean everything out and it was the worst experience of my life. And now every time I bring something into my house, I'm like, where does this go? If I don't have a space for it, it can't live here.

• 5:47Dax Shepard?

  Julie, this is incredible because you were saying it kind of as a joke, but then there's some real history of it. How long have you adopted this?

• 5:54Speaker 02

  This has been like the last two years.

• 5:56Dax Shepard?

  It's so funny you would say that because I said to Monica, Bree and I's old rule was we lived in a one bedroom apartment with one closet. It was like, if you were going to buy a new piece of clothes, you did have to first pick one to remove. It was one in, one out and that was a hard and fast rule. And so I'm just wondering, does it feel lighter to live this way or is there anxiety?

• 6:15Speaker 02

  It does. I feel like I am not getting the best deals because I refuse to buy like the big olive oil at Costco because I can't store it, but I aspire to have a capsule wardrobe. I would love to be someone who wears the same thing every day.

• 6:30Dax Shepard?

  Okay, like Steve Jobs.

• 6:32Speaker 01

  It's too hard.

• 6:33Speaker 02

  It's really hard. I do like things.

• 6:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, things are fun.

• 6:39Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so Julie, where are you?

• 6:40Speaker 02

  I am in the north shore of Massachusetts.

• 6:43Dax Shepard?

  Okay, wonderful. And you have a subway system there. Does your subway story take place in Boston?

• 6:47Speaker 02

  No, it doesn't. The subway story takes place in New York and you will find out how I landed in Massachusetts.

• 6:54Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay, wonderful.

• 6:55Speaker 02

  New York is where I grew up. The setting is 2005 by college summer break and I had gotten an internship in Manhattan. It was at a big ad agency in the big city and it was so sexy. I was like, this is my Sex in the City summer. I really romanticized it. It was maybe a 40-minute commute. Honestly, pretty good. I had been on many trains, many subways prior to this, but I had never done the work commute. The work commute is different than other times on the subway.

• 7:28Dax Shepard?

  Tell me how. I've only written it as a hobbyist.

• 7:31Speaker 02

  There are so many more people. They're really in a rush and they're angry and you're pushing to get into that train, no matter what. They're like shoulder to shoulder packed. It smells. It was a heatwave and we were having a stint of 100-degree days. It's like walking through a mouth.

• 7:47Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 7:48Speaker 02

  It's disgusting.

• 7:49Dax Shepard?

  Great analogy.

• 7:51Speaker 02

  I'm on my way home. I've had it. Like, I do not want to get on a train and like touch shoulders with people. I have to give a little caveat that during these heatwaves, the city would shut down like half of the subway cars and conserve energy so that they could at least have some air-conditioned cars. Because they weren't capable of really having electricity that powerful across the whole thing. So they would dim the lights on half of the cars and no air conditioning.

• 8:19Speaker 01

  Oh, boy.

• 8:20Speaker 02

  Yeah. So everybody would stack into the air-conditioned carts. But on this day, I said, I can't do that. I just can't take it. I have three stops. I'd rather be alone. So I get into the dim car and it's hot and I sit down and I'm like, I'm alone. And I quickly realized I am not alone. There's this man, he looks like Charles Manson, splayed out on the bench across from me. And I'm like, if I was in this guy's shoes, taking naps in subways, I'd pick the air-conditioned cart. The first stop comes and you know, you're like, jolt. He jolts, but it's not like a napping jolt. His body doesn't reposition. Something's weird.

• 9:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:03Dax Shepard?

  Oh, oh, okay.

• 9:06Speaker 02

  He's either having a medical emergency or he's dead.

• 9:11Dax Shepard?

  Or smacked out of his mind.

• 9:12Speaker 02

  And I was kind of like, oh, maybe he's actively overdosing. So I creep over.

• 9:17Speaker 01

  No.

• 9:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, what am I gonna do? It's just me and him on this train.

• 9:20Speaker 01

  You're really brave.

• 9:21Speaker 02

  I'm like, sir, hello, I'm getting the Dax in me. I'm like, I'm gonna save a life right now. This was big see something, say something time in New York City, 2005, every five minutes. If you see something, say something. Now it's like, this is my time. So next stop, I get out of the train. I'm not gonna stay on the train with a dead man. So I get out of the train. I write down the car number. And I write down the, the direction of the train and everything. And I'm like, law and order, like I'm solving crimes. I'm looking for a police officer, no one to be found. All right. Well, I gotta get to Penn Station. I know there'll be a police officer at the top of the escalator by Penn Station in his little like kiosk. So I'm running, 100 degrees. And I'm like, if he's not dead, I'm saving his life. I get there and I'm like, officer,

• 10:07Speaker 02

  I'm pretty sure there's a dead man on this train. We gotta do something. And he takes the paper for me. And he's like, oh yeah, we know about this. We're gonna get him at the end of the line.

• 10:16Speaker 01

  No.

• 10:18Speaker 02

  Why'd you go in that car?

• 10:20Dax Shepard?

  Wait, they know about it. They're gonna grab him at the end of, is that closer to the morgue?

• 10:25Speaker 02

  He was dead.

• 10:26Dax Shepard?

  He was dead.

• 10:28Speaker 02

  They didn't want to disturb the transit.

• 10:30Speaker 01

  Why didn't they at least put something on the door saying like, don't come in here?

• 10:33Dax Shepard?

  Dead person inside.

• 10:34Speaker 02

  They're like, what idiot goes in the on-air-conditioned car?

• 10:37Speaker 01

  Oh, this is so New York City.

• 10:38Dax Shepard?

  They're like, you deserve it. If you're gonna try to run that hot car, you're gonna be with some dead bodies and that's on you.

• 10:43Speaker 02

  That's what he said to me, basically. He was like, why'd you go in there?

• 10:49Speaker 02

  It was that moment, top of that escalator. I was like, oh, fuck this. I'm not moving to New York after college. I'm going to Boston.

• 10:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 10:57Speaker 02

  I haven't turned back.

• 10:58Dax Shepard?

  Wow.

• 10:59Speaker 01

  Whoa.

• 11:00Dax Shepard?

  Wow, wow. How old was this deceased person?

• 11:03Speaker 02

  He was like, probably in his 30s.

• 11:05Speaker 01

  That's so young.

• 11:07Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 11:09Speaker 01

  Did he look like, what's that phrase? Like worse for wear? Apart from being dead, for sure.

• 11:14Dax Shepard?

  What does worse for wear mean?

• 11:16Speaker 01

  It means you look bad.

• 11:18Dax Shepard?

  Okay. They say that instead of you look bad. Is that euphemism?

• 11:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's like a nice, like if you came in and you looked disheveled, really tired, really unlike you, I'd be like, oh, you're looking a little worse for wear.

• 11:31Dax Shepard?

  God, I really can't wait to look that up and understand.

• 11:34Speaker 01

  That's the phrase, right?

• 11:35Speaker 02

  I would be so much more offended if you said worse for wear than you're not looking good.

• 11:41Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 11:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, but would you like, you look bad or worse for wear?

• 11:46Dax Shepard?

  This is where all your own identity comes in. It's like, if you said you looked bad, I would kind of think that was cool, maybe.

• 11:52Speaker 01

  Really?

• 11:52Dax Shepard?

  Just a little bit. You're saying I normally look good, so there's like a compliment within there.

• 11:57Speaker 01

  No, no, no, no. You look worse than you normally do is different than you look bad.

• 12:03Speaker 02

  Right, because your normal could be bad.

• 12:05Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 12:05Dax Shepard?

  But, but you look worse than you normally do says you look worse always. And it's more than that.

• 12:12Speaker 01

  I'm back to worse for wear. I think that's.

• 12:14Dax Shepard?

  Rob, is that a saying?

• 12:15Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tired or in poor condition because of a lot of work or use.

• 12:19Speaker 01

  But origin.

• 12:20Speaker 03

  Sixteenth century described objects or situations that had deteriorated due to use.

• 12:26Speaker 02

  Oh, because they were worn out. So if something was like pulled on too much, it would be worse for wear.

• 12:33Dax Shepard?

  Worse from where? That makes sense.

• 12:36Speaker 01

  Oh, but it was from 16th century, so probably they didn't have.

• 12:39Dax Shepard?

  They said for instead of from. Okay, okay. Worse from where I would get it immediately. Yeah, that makes sense. It's worse from wear and tear.

• 12:47Speaker 01

  You're just so young.

• 12:48Dax Shepard?

  I'm so literal.

• 12:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:50Dax Shepard?

  And if you had a lovely life in Massachusetts, are you happy that you were driven there?

• 12:54Speaker 02

  The North Shore of Massachusetts is one of the loves of my life.

• 12:58Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 12:58Dax Shepard?

  Oh, good.

• 12:59Speaker 02

  I am so appreciative to have the opportunity to live here. I can't speak more highly of it. We're close to the beach. We're close to New Hampshire. We're close to Maine, close to Boston. Shout out to Oxford.

• 13:10Speaker 01

  Shout out.

• 13:11Dax Shepard?

  Shout out Oxford.

• 13:12Speaker 01

  Love it.

• 13:12Dax Shepard?

  Well, Julie, it's a delight to meet you.

• 13:14Speaker 02

  Thank you guys so much.

• 13:16Dax Shepard?

  All right, take care.

• 13:19Speaker 04

  Hello, hello, hello.

• 13:20Dax Shepard?

  Hi.

• 13:21Speaker 01

  We couldn't see you for a second.

• 13:22Dax Shepard?

  It was voice first, then face. And I got scared. It's scary if someone just wants their voice. We've only had that once, but it scared us.

• 13:31Speaker 04

  That's a very anonymous of them.

• 13:33Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, they could be naked during the conversation, pleasing themselves. You just kind of want to see. Where are you, Connor?

• 13:40Speaker 04

  I am just south of Salt Lake City, in a little town called Cedar Hills.

• 13:45Dax Shepard?

  And did you grow up there?

• 13:46Speaker 04

  No, I actually grew up in Las Vegas.

• 13:48Speaker 01

  Ooh.

• 13:48Dax Shepard?

  Okay, neither places have subways, so I'm excited to find out how you found yourself on a subway.

• 13:53Speaker 04

  I served a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in 2010 in Mexico City.

• 13:59Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay, interesting. Now, really quick, all young men, right? In the Mormon church, they all go between 18 and 20 on mission?

• 14:05Speaker 04

  Mostly.

• 14:06Dax Shepard?

  Are you just assigned the city like you're getting deployed? You don't have any say in it, do you?

• 14:10Speaker 04

  You submit your application, and then it comes back with your assignment.

• 14:14Dax Shepard?

  And were other friends getting like Acapulco, Berlin?

• 14:18Speaker 01

  Whoa, those are not the same, right?

• 14:21Dax Shepard?

  No, those are different.

• 14:22Speaker 01

  I know.

• 14:22Dax Shepard?

  Ones have beach holiday, ones like a historic city.

• 14:25Speaker 01

  Right, those are just two really random places.

• 14:28Dax Shepard?

  I was trying to do opposite fun things. I thought I did a good job, actually. Most people would have said Acapulco, and then we got stuck on a beach theme and then done another one.

• 14:37Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 14:37Dax Shepard?

  So was that happening at all? Were like friends getting rad destinations?

• 14:41Speaker 04

  Yeah, I had a friend go to Tahiti, so everybody was jealous of him. But then some people go to like Boise.

• 14:46Dax Shepard?

  So I would have been pumped on Mexico City.

• 14:47Speaker 04

  I definitely fell in love with the city while I was there. It's a big place. I remember flying into the city and being like, I'm never gonna find my way out of here.

• 14:54Dax Shepard?

  And they have a subway?

• 14:55Speaker 04

  They call it El Metro. It's huge. It's like the 11th busiest one in the world, over a billion riders every year. I already fact-checked that, Monica, you don't have to.

• 15:03Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 15:04Dax Shepard?

  He saved you a step.

• 15:05Speaker 01

  I appreciate that. Okay, so what happened?

• 15:08Speaker 04

  We ended up using it a lot, especially when you're serving in the city. When you go on a mission, you live as a local. You go on your own dime, you get assigned a companion. These companions change from time to time, but you're just living with the people, you're serving them. Yes, your main goal is to teach about the church and about Jesus, but you're really there as a service to the area. I helped people do construction, fix their cars. There's a lot of things that we did while we were there that wasn't just proselytizing. And so while I'm there, we don't have a car. I'm living with other locals. Usually most of my companions were from Mexico. And so we just got really good at walking and taking public transportation. We saw a lot of things in this public transportation, got robbed a couple of times. It was a lot of fun.

• 15:48Dax Shepard?

  Okay, great, great, great. I don't want to offend you, but I will say if I see some Mormon kids on mission, that seems like an easy target.

• 15:55Speaker 04

  It's funny because you're the most recognizable people in the world. Two guys in shirts and ties outside, standing next to each other.

• 16:01Speaker 01

  I was gonna ask, so you are dressed specifically, okay.

• 16:05Speaker 04

  The least local thing about us is the way that we dress and the way that we act. But other than that, we're learning the language, we're eating the food, we're living together. I mean, you have to be with your companion 24/7 too. Like in the rulebook, it says sleep in the same room, don't sleep in the same bed. I don't know why they need to make that distinction.

• 16:20Dax Shepard?

  For sure. Well, as I'm a my thing.

• 16:22Speaker 01

  Well, yeah, you gotta be clear. You never know.

• 16:23Speaker 04

  Missionaries like to get together for activities more than just the two of us because we kind of get sick of just the one companion. This week, we planned an activity to go to the pyramids, Teotihuacan. If you've ever heard of those, those are awesome. We have to get from inner city to outer city so that we can get the bus that then takes us to the pyramids. On the metro that day, we decided to leave early in the morning. It was rush hour. Everybody was going to work. It was a Monday. It was packed. You're normally just walking down the stairs, getting towards the edge of the train, waiting for it to arrive so you can walk onto the train. We had to wait on the stairs before we could get down to the platform to move through the platform to the edge. Train after trains come in, they come every five to 10 minutes, but every single one of them is just packed full. Only a couple of people can get on it.

• 17:04Dax Shepard?

  Oh, boy.

• 17:04Speaker 04

  Yeah, I've even seen people crowd surf or like jump out of the windows to try and get out of the train.

• 17:09Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 17:11Speaker 04

  There's just no space. It's like trying to fit seven of your friends in the backseat of your 81 Honda Civic.

• 17:16Dax Shepard?

  I got it. Deep cut.

• 17:17Speaker 04

  I'm getting sick of waiting. It's been an hour that we're just seeing trains come full and just the next one keeps coming. And so I am trying to act like a local and people will eventually push themselves in to like fill up the sardine can even more. And so I decided that this was my train. I was gonna get on it no matter what. I put my back to the train and started backing up. I'm like a foot taller than almost everybody there. So people are just kind of like parting the sea as I come in. I did have to check one guy that wanted like hold the line, but can't leave my companion. So I'm grabbing his backpack straps and pulling him with me as I back onto the train. But I end up birthing enough space that a couple of the other missionaries can jump on as

• 17:57Speaker 04

  well. So half of us get on the train. It is a can of sardines. Me and 500 of my new best friends are all butt to butt, just smelling each other. And it's, it's a summer, it's warm. These are not electric trains either. They're rubber tires. They're diesel engines. Like, it's hot.

• 18:12Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 18:13Speaker 04

  And so as we shuffle to try and like, find where we're gonna stand for the next couple hours, I notice people in the corners have like fallen asleep, standing up, but they're not falling over because there's just so many people. My companion is pressed up against my chest and he actually falls asleep. And I feel him slump and slide down about two inches. But then the sheer force of people around us is just keeps him up.

• 18:33Speaker 01

  Oh, how long are you guys on this train? Why are people falling asleep so fast?

• 18:37Dax Shepard?

  Look, I was in a car with no traffic when we left the city. It was like a 45 minute drive going 60.

• 18:43Speaker 04

  I noticed that I can't see one of the missionaries that came with us. And I'm just thinking like, that's weird, because we're supposed to stick together. And I noticed a hand just kinda like sticking up out of the crowd. And I knew it was his hand because he had a watch on for a couple of seconds. I'm trying to like, see him, trying to look over people, but there's too many people. I can't see anything. And so I end up shake up my companion, move him out of the way. And I reach over and I give him like a high five, like, hey, give me a thumbs up if everything's good, right? And his hand just like flops over to the other side.

• 19:13Speaker 01

  Oh, no. Oh, no.

• 19:15Dax Shepard?

  We're losing him.

• 19:16Speaker 01

  Oh, this is so scary.

• 19:28Dax Shepard?

  We get support from Skims. Okay, I have a confession. I genuinely love matching pajamas. It's the best part of Christmas morning, really. Everyone in the same matching set looking ridiculously cute in front of the tree.

• 19:42Speaker 01

  I love matching pajamas. I'm literally gonna be in coordinating sets with all my friends this holiday season, because I got them, spoiler to my friends who are listening, the same Skims pajama set I've been living in. They are so soft and cozy, and they look cute. So you can leave the house and go get a late night hot chocolate, be cozy.

• 20:03Dax Shepard?

  It's so great how Skims has sets for everyone, too. Women's, men's, kids, even your pets. So nobody in your life has to be left out this year.

• 20:13Speaker 01

  I have a bunch of different pajama sets. One of my favorite is the organic cotton sleep long sleeve set.

• 20:20Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 20:20Speaker 01

  It is so comfortable, very chic, too. The top is a button down, but very, very soft, easy to sleep in. But as I said before, you can multi-purpose this and look super cute.

• 20:33Dax Shepard?

  Hot chocolate runs. It's like the pajamas we grew up in, except without the scratchy polyester that made opening presents feel more like a hot yoga class that nobody signed up for.

• 20:42Speaker 01

  All the nostalgia, none of the discomfort. Shop my favorite loungewear and pajamas at skims.com. After you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you. Select podcasts in the survey and be sure to select armchair expert in the dropdown menu that follows. If you're looking for the perfect gifts for everyone on your list, the Skims Holiday Shop is now open at skims.com.

• 21:01Dax Shepard?

  This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Every family has that one holiday tradition nobody actually enjoys, but everyone keeps doing because stopping it would feel like a federal offense. For me, it was a specific meal situation that I will not name because my family listens. But at some point, you have to ask yourself, am I doing this because I love it or because I'm afraid of what happens if I don't?

• 21:24Speaker 01

  Yes, and that question applies to so much more than the holidays. I think a lot of us carry these invisible rules about how we're supposed to spend the holidays, who we're supposed to see, what it's supposed to look like. And when you start unpacking that with a therapist, you realize half of your stress is coming from rules you didn't even write.

• 21:40Dax Shepard?

  This is where BetterHelp can be a great resource during the holidays. BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. A short questionnaire helps identify your needs and preferences, which means they typically get it right the first time. If you aren't happy with your match, switch to a different therapist at any time from their tailored recs.

• 21:59Speaker 01

  I just love therapy. I've been avoiding it recently, or not avoiding it, but I was like, oh, I'm busy, I'm busy, I'm busy, I haven't canceled, canceled, canceled. But then I-

• 22:07Dax Shepard?

  You start feeling it.

• 22:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, because then I had it this past weekend and I was like, oh, my God, I'm just, thank God, thank God for her. Yeah.

• 22:15Dax Shepard?

  BetterHelp is now in-network with more than 125 health plans with many copays as low as $15 for eligible members. And if you don't have eligible insurance or live outside the US, you can still get 20% off your first month. Sign up and get 20% off at betterhelp.com/dax. That's betterhelp, H E L P, dot com slash DAX.

• 22:40Dax Shepard?

  We get support from Superhuman. Look, I love what I do. The conversations, the ideas, the creative stuff. But there's this whole other layer of work that eats my day alive. The inbox that never ends. Docs I need to get through, threads I'm behind on. And by the time I've dealt with all that, the stuff I actually want to focus on gets whatever's left. What I needed was something that just works where I'm already working. Not another tab to open, not another thing to set up. Superhuman Go from the makers of Grammarly is different. It's already right there inside your email, your docs, your browser. You don't go to it. It's already working alongside you. You're deep in a long thread, highlight it, and it pulls the key points. About to send something important? It flags what doesn't add up before it leaves your hands.

• 23:25Dax Shepard?

  It knows your style, your workflows, and it just backs you up without getting in the way. A thought partner that's already up to speed at your service, not after your job. So do yourself a favor and try Superhuman Go from the makers of Grammarly. Find out more at superhuman.com. We get support from our sponsor, Lilly. For adults with obesity or with excess weight and weight-related medical problems, it's time to find out about Foundo or for Gleepran. Foundo is a once-daily prescription GLP-1 medicine used with a reduced calorie diet and increased physical activity to help adults with obesity or some adults with overweight who also have weight-related medical problems to lose excess body weight and keep the weight off.

• 24:09Speaker 05

  Foundo should not be used with other GLP-1 receptor agonist medicines. It is not known if Foundo is safe and effective for use in children. Don't take Foundo if you're allergic to it or if you or someone in your family had medullary thyroid cancer or multiple endocrine neoplasia syndrome type 2. Stop and call your doctor right away if you have an allergic reaction, a lump or swelling in your neck, or severe stomach pain. Serious side effects may include inflamed pancreas and gallbladder problems. Tell your doctor if you experience vision changes. If you're nursing, pregnant, plant to be, or taking birth control pills and before scheduled procedures with anesthesia. Taking Foundo with an insulin or sulfonylurea may cause low blood sugar. Side effects include diarrhea, nausea, and vomiting, which can cause dehydration and may cause kidney problems. Once Daily Foundo is available by prescription only in 0.8 milligram, 2.5 milligram, 5.5

• 24:54Speaker 05

  milligram, 9 milligram, 14.5 milligram, and 17.2 milligram tablets. Learn more at foundo.lily.com or call 1-800-LILY-RX. Now is perfect to talk to your doctor about Foundo.

• 25:15Speaker 04

  So he was not as big as I was. He was probably similar sized to everybody else, but he was a very timid guy. So I think that what happened was as people shuffled around, he kind of just kept giving everyone the space that they needed and deferring to them. And eventually he ended up under people.

• 25:28Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 25:30Speaker 01

  No.

• 25:31Dax Shepard?

  Well, I'm getting claustrophobic thinking of this.

• 25:34Speaker 04

  I then alert the rest of us like, hey, this guy's not okay. Something's going on. So we try moving people. There's not a lot of purchase to move people. We end up having to like grab his arm and pull up and just like a limp body just starts to come out of the crowd.

• 25:47Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 25:48Speaker 04

  We got him closer to the small slide windows, things like a school bus where the window slides down. Try to get some fresh air into his face, but we're in an underground tunnel.

• 25:56Dax Shepard?

  You're getting fresh diesel exhaust in his face?

• 25:58Speaker 04

  Exactly. And so he's almost blue. He's drooling, eyes rolled back into the back of his head.

• 26:02Speaker 01

  This is very sad.

• 26:04Dax Shepard?

  Are you thinking like, we gotta get off at the next stop? Or you're like, we're going all the way through. We fought too hard to get on here.

• 26:11Speaker 04

  I was thinking two things. One, priorities him, like, let's make sure he's okay. But also, there's not going to be much we can do for him, even if we get off the train. I was just like, let's hold him up. Let's get him on top of the pile. Let's just make sure that he has like the space to breathe. And before even the next stop, really, he started to come around. At first, it sounded like he was drunk, even though I knew he wasn't. We're machine.

• 26:30Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 26:31Speaker 04

  He did eventually come around to thinking it was a little bit funny, but he had like the worst headache for the rest of the day because it was a good 30 seconds, probably where he just completely stopped breathing. Because the weight of all those people on top of him, and he doesn't remember anything other than getting on the train.

• 26:47Speaker 01

  Were they standing on him?

• 26:49Speaker 04

  He got pinched between people in the seats. And so when you're in that situation, you're just moving with the train. You don't really have a lot of say in what's happening.

• 26:58Dax Shepard?

  Could you imagine just to be standing there and you realize like, oh yeah, I'm kind of standing on this human that's crumpled the ground. I'm just gonna kind of ignore that because we're all trying to survive.

• 27:08Speaker 01

  They probably can't even feel it though, because there's just so many people. You're not even aware of what's what.

• 27:13Speaker 04

  And there's bags, people have bags all the time filled with like things coming from the market or going to work.

• 27:18Speaker 01

  That's wild. God, he's okay. That would really scare me. Was the rest of the train scared once he was blue and stuff?

• 27:25Speaker 04

  About half of the train couldn't even see us, didn't even know what was going on. And the other half, I'd say they were a little bit concerned because they did kind of try to get out of our way once they knew that like an emergency was happening. They know that it happens. It's a daily occurrence for most people. Even the first and last trains are like reserved only for women and children. They do a lot of things to try and help, but when you have a station where a million people go through it every single day, not much you can do.

• 27:44Speaker 01

  Wow, that's wild.

• 27:46Dax Shepard?

  Now, my full knowledge of mission is I tried to leave Salt Lake City and blew the rear end of my Mustang and was stuck there for like three days. And then I was talking to the dude at the mechanic shop and I learned a bunch then. I saw Book of Mormon, there's probably some kernels of reality. And then I saw this thing called Jackie did it, what was it called? It's called like mortified or something. People would tell these crazy stories that happened in real life. Do you remember that?

• 28:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's a show where people would tell stories.

• 28:09Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah. And as I recall, is this part real where there is kind of a scoreboard? Are you keeping track of how many people you have converted?

• 28:16Speaker 04

  I would say it's more like sales where you're keeping track of your activity. Cause they don't want people just going on vacation for two years. People do.

• 28:24Dax Shepard?

  Sure, Dax Shepard types.

• 28:26Speaker 04

  I definitely had six months where I don't remember much.

• 28:30Dax Shepard?

  Okay, when you leave, do you have like a total of how many folks you did convert?

• 28:34Speaker 04

  Oh man, this is such a loaded question. In my opinion, I can't speak for everybody. I was more focused on families that we helped get in a better situation. In my mind, my running total is just the five or six families that I know I could show up at their doorstep, even now 15 years later and say, hey, I'm here to visit. And they would welcome me as one of their sons.

• 28:51Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was not trying to be disparaging. All that was to lead up to, did you ever get competitive?

• 28:56Speaker 04

  Yeah, especially. Actually, mission to mission, that's where the competitive nature comes in because it's like me and my hundred brothers, we're competing against the mission next door.

• 29:04Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay. Oh, okay.

• 29:06Speaker 01

  I like that better.

• 29:07Dax Shepard?

  Team, yeah, team sport.

• 29:08Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 29:09Dax Shepard?

  Well, Connor, it's delightful to meet you. Your vocabulary is off the charts. You said three words that I bet you could meet a thousand people, you'll never hear them say. You said purchase? You used it perfectly. It's impressive when someone can grab purchase like that.

• 29:21Speaker 01

  You say purchase a fair amount.

• 29:22Dax Shepard?

  Pretty good vocabulary. I stole it from Raising Arizona, where his seed could not find purchase in her womb. And then two other really great words. Now they're escaping my mind, but you threw in a few that they were the perfect word for that moment.

• 29:36Speaker 04

  I was proud of the word birthed.

• 29:38Dax Shepard?

  Yes, that was one of the three. Yes, yes, yes, yes. He was backing himself up and he birthed his.

• 29:46Speaker 01

  Oh, yes, that's right. That was good.

• 29:48Dax Shepard?

  Wasn't that good? I was titillated through most of the story, just from the wordplay.

• 29:53Speaker 01

  Titillated also a great word.

• 29:55Dax Shepard?

  Thank you. It's pretty common. No, it's not as good as Connor's.

• 29:59Speaker 01

  We're gonna find a way to incorporate birthed into one of the next two stories.

• 30:04Dax Shepard?

  Okay, that's our mission.

• 30:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:07Dax Shepard?

  Ding ding ding.

• 30:08Speaker 01

  Thanks for chatting with us.

• 30:10Speaker 04

  Yeah, thanks for having me.

• 30:11Dax Shepard?

  All right, take care.

• 30:12Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 30:14Speaker 06

  Hello?

• 30:15Dax Shepard?

  What fun headphones you have on. Look at this design.

• 30:19Speaker 06

  My husband is a gamer, so he let me use his space. So I'm not in a closet. I'm in our dungeon of a basement.

• 30:27Speaker 01

  Sounds amazing.

• 30:28Dax Shepard?

  Wow, so gamers, they want to have that good audio.

• 30:31Speaker 06

  Well, he does something on Discord. I don't really understand it. He retreats to the basement and I get to watch my shows in peace upstairs.

• 30:40Speaker 01

  I want some pretty headphones like that. Those are very cool. It's like a headband.

• 30:44Speaker 06

  It's a headband that goes across. I ordered it from Amazon from him for Christmas.

• 30:48Dax Shepard?

  You should sniff around Amazon, Monty. And where are you?

• 30:52Speaker 06

  In Canada, in Southern Ontario.

• 30:54Speaker 01

  Ooh.

• 30:54Dax Shepard?

  Oh, is this gonna be a Toronto subway story?

• 30:57Speaker 06

  It is not a Toronto subway story. It is a Paris subway.

• 31:01Dax Shepard?

  Oh, what do they call that? The Tube? No, that's London.

• 31:05Speaker 06

  Le metro.

• 31:06Dax Shepard?

  Oh, Le metro. What were you doing in Paris?

• 31:09Speaker 06

  It was many, many years ago. I studied abroad for a year in France. And we would, on weekends, take little trips here and there. And we would take the train wherever we needed to go. And this particular weekend, four girls in total went.

• 31:25Dax Shepard?

  Kristin, can I interrupt you for one second and ask what year this was?

• 31:29Speaker 06

  I am your Kristin's birthday twin.

• 31:32Speaker 01

  Oh, how fun.

• 31:33Speaker 06

  Same date.

• 31:34Dax Shepard?

  No, July 18th, 1980?

• 31:37Speaker 06

  And I was named Kristin as well.

• 31:39Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 31:40Dax Shepard?

  Lord.

• 31:41Speaker 06

  It was my third year of university, so it was 2001.

• 31:45Dax Shepard?

  Okay. Sorry for that deviation. We have Amanda Knox coming up. I got curious, like, if you, Monica, you were doing study abroad with three gals in France, and you learned of this Amanda Knox thing, would you be overly concerned you were gonna get tried for murder?

• 32:02Speaker 01

  I was.

• 32:03Dax Shepard?

  You were there in 07, yeah.

• 32:05Speaker 01

  And I studied abroad twice during that time.

• 32:08Dax Shepard?

  And did you have any thoughts?

• 32:09Speaker 01

  Didn't even think about it. And I'm the type to think about it, but I didn't.

• 32:13Speaker 06

  So this would have been probably five, six years before that. But while it was happening, I'm like, oh, that could have easily been.

• 32:19Dax Shepard?

  Right, right, right, right, right. Okay, so four gals are gonna take Le Metro.

• 32:24Speaker 06

  So four of us decide to go into Paris for the weekend. We take the train in, in the morning. We spend the entire day going to cafes, going and checking out shopping. It's starting to get darker. And later at night, we decide we want to go see the Eiffel Tower. It's bustling with people. So it was very joyous and not a care in the world. And we're in our very early twenties. And between 10 and 11 PM, we decide that it's time to go back to the hotel. And we need to take the metro to get to the hotel. We leave the hustle and the bustle of the street. And immediately, when you start to descend the steps into the metro. It's like the noise cuts out. You get like a colder, somber feeling.

• 33:07Speaker 06

  The smell of wet concrete is what you're getting when you're walking down the stairs. We single file go down the stairs. Sarah, one of the girls is at the front and I am at the end of the single file of us. We get to the bottom and the subway is already there and there's a few people, but not many. And the doors are starting to open, so we're running. And from behind me, I feel something and I hear a very close in my ear and I feel pressure on my back. And I just pick up the pace and I run super fast into the metro. And I get in and the girls look at me and they're like, what's wrong? And I utter the words penis. And I turned around.

• 33:51Speaker 06

  We all look out as the doors are closing. And there is a man who has his penis in his hands.

• 34:00Speaker 06

  Pleasuring himself. Who had come up behind me and pressed himself against my back.

• 34:07Speaker 01

  You felt the penis on your back. That's how you knew. And he made a slurpy noise.

• 34:12Speaker 06

  In my ear, like that's how close he was behind me.

• 34:16Dax Shepard?

  Oh, the unmistakable feeling of a penis in your back.

• 34:23Dax Shepard?

  Can I ask the age of this? I'm not going to say gentleman, this attacker.

• 34:27Speaker 06

  He was probably mid twenties, like he was probably around our age. He had crazy curly hair. I remember the look in his eyes. And licked his lips as the subway is pulling.

• 34:40Speaker 06

  Sarah says, what do you mean? He put his penis on your back. And I turn around and he had left a little gift for me.

• 34:48Speaker 01

  Stop it.

• 34:49Speaker 06

  Up the back of my jacket.

• 34:51Dax Shepard?

  He sprayed on you?

• 34:53Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 34:54Speaker 01

  This is.

• 34:55Dax Shepard?

  I love your attitude.

• 34:56Speaker 01

  Me too, because this is truly an assault and it's disturbing.

• 35:01Speaker 06

  We can't believe that just happened. We start laughing hysterically.

• 35:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, because what else is there to do?

• 35:09Speaker 06

  We're pulling away from the subway station. Like it's not like. Like I'm gonna jump out and say anything. The jacket is gone. I disposed of that before we went anywhere and it gave me an excuse to go shopping.

• 35:19Speaker 01

  Silver lining.

• 35:20Dax Shepard?

  Thank God you weren't in like a backless dress or something.

• 35:23Speaker 01

  Where you had to wear it.

• 35:24Dax Shepard?

  Well, just where you'd feel it on your skin.

• 35:26Speaker 01

  And you could just toss it immediately.

• 35:28Dax Shepard?

  Just get it away from you.

• 35:30Speaker 01

  Ew, that is so disturbing.

• 35:33Speaker 06

  It was.

• 35:34Dax Shepard?

  I'm trying to put together the timeline for him. He'd have to be close to the edge when he spotted. This all happened so quick, right? Like from the time you entered the staircase until you ran onto the metro, how much time was that?

• 35:47Speaker 06

  Thirty, forty seconds. He came from behind me right away.

• 35:51Speaker 01

  He must have already been in there.

• 35:52Dax Shepard?

  Yes, he must have been in the shadows edging.

• 35:55Speaker 06

  He could have been just waiting at the bottom of the staircase because there's people like hanging around and stuff like that. You don't know. And you just could turn around and then, yeah.

• 36:02Dax Shepard?

  Cool.

• 36:03Speaker 06

  But yeah, we saw it in everything, in his hands.

• 36:05Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 36:08Dax Shepard?

  Oh, boy.

• 36:09Speaker 01

  And ew, this is such a perversion. It's exhibitionist-ish, I guess.

• 36:14Dax Shepard?

  Well, it feels like a couple of things, but I think the people that rub up against people in public are called pederis, maybe? Like, that's its own condition. Then you've got flashers, right? And that's one thing. They want to see the look on your face as you're scared. This feels like a mashup.

• 36:27Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 36:28Dax Shepard?

  Oh, boy.

• 36:29Speaker 01

  I'm so sorry that happened to you.

• 36:31Speaker 06

  It was a very long time ago. I've been waiting for one of your prompts to be birth stories. So I'm like, oh, when they have the birth story prompt, I'm gonna tell my birth story of my first daughter. But then I'm going through and the other night I'm sitting in bed and I see the prompt for Subway and I'm like, wait, I do have a Subway story from a long time ago.

• 36:50Speaker 01

  Holy shit.

• 36:51Dax Shepard?

  Wow, I can't believe he sprayed. It's like one, it's one thing to see a guy jerking off.

• 36:56Speaker 01

  Right, that's bad enough.

• 36:58Dax Shepard?

  Standard. I feel like once in your life, you're gonna see a person in public.

• 37:02Speaker 01

  Came up against you and slurped in your ear. That's, hopefully no one ever.

• 37:05Dax Shepard?

  Have you ever seen a guy jerking off in public, Monica?

• 37:08Speaker 01

  Probably on the street. It's not memorable, so maybe not.

• 37:11Speaker 06

  I've never seen it happen again.

• 37:13Dax Shepard?

  Wowzers, wowzers, wowzers.

• 37:15Speaker 01

  I'm really sorry, but I'm also glad we got to hear that story. This could have also gone into the cautionary tale story. It's like, don't go anywhere.

• 37:24Dax Shepard?

  Oh, that would be the headline of that. Well, Kristen, thank you for telling us that. That was literally juicy.

• 37:29Speaker 06

  Ew. Thank you for having me.

• 37:32Dax Shepard?

  All right, take care.

• 37:33Speaker 01

  Bye.

• 37:43Dax Shepard?

  We are supported by Walden University. You know that feeling when you've been thinking about making a move, going after the degree, the promotion, the thing you keep telling yourself you'll get to someday? Walden University is built for that moment. For over 50 years, Walden has helped working professionals get the W, the knowledge, the skills, and the confidence to create real change in their careers and communities. Their programs are designed around your life, not the other way around. With Tempo Learning, available in select programs, there are no rigid schedules or set weekly deadlines. You move at your own pace. And Walden's faculty aren't just academics. They're practitioners who bring real-world experience into everything they teach.

• 38:26Dax Shepard?

  From your first class to career coaching and beyond, Walden is your partner the whole way. Take the first step and learn at a pace that works for you. Visit waldenu.edu. Walden University. Set a course for change. Certified to Operate by CHEV. We get support from ZipRecruiter. Oh, get recruiting. So I went down this rabbit hole the other day on real holiday jobs that exist and I couldn't stop. Somebody out there is hiring a ham glazer, a professional ham glazer. Another place is hiring a lead elf, implying a whole hierarchy of elves I had never even considered. Here's the thing, these jobs need real skills. People like that are hard to find.

• 39:09Dax Shepard?

  And whether you're hiring for one of these roles or any other role, the best way to find qualified people who are genuinely excited about your role is on ZipRecruiter. And right now, you can try it for free at ziprecruiter.com/dax. Plus, ZipRecruiter has a new feature that shows you the most interested qualified candidates first, so you meet the right people faster. No wonder ZipRecruiter is the number one rated hiring site based on G2. Let ZipRecruiter find the right people for your roles, seasonal or otherwise. Try it for free today at ziprecruiter.com/dax. At ziprecruiter.com/dax, meet your match on ZipRecruiter.

• 39:48Dax Shepard?

  We get support from Instagram teen accounts. So we talk a lot on this show about how the world is different now than when we were growing up. And one of the biggest differences is obviously social media. And I think a lot of people wonder, okay, what's actually being done to make it safer for teenagers?

• 40:07Speaker 01

  Which is a fair question.

• 40:08Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, so Instagram has got something called teen accounts and they come with automatic protections built in by default. So anyone between 13 and 17 is automatically placed into this experience. They get age appropriate content settings, contact limits, so that by default, only people they're already connected to can message them. And time management tools, daily time limit reminders, and also sleep mode that mutes notifications from 10:00 PM to 7:00 AM.

• 40:34Speaker 01

  Sleep mode is genius.

• 40:35Dax Shepard?

  Right? And here's the thing, for anyone under 16, a parent has to give permission to change any of those settings to be less strict. The guardrails are on and Instagram keeps building new safety features to create age appropriate experiences for teens.

• 40:51Speaker 01

  I am really glad Instagram is helping to give parents peace of mind with teen accounts.

• 40:55Dax Shepard?

  Learn more about teen accounts and Instagram's ongoing work to protect teens online at instagram.com/teenaccounts.

• 41:11Dax Shepard?

  I'm going to tell a story. We could have called him to do this, but Aaron has a great subway story. I mean, we have the one with the guy smoking crack, which was interesting. We've had a couple, but in 2000, just before I graduated, on my spring break, I convinced Aaron, Dean and Bullis to go to Italy with me. They had a layover in Amsterdam, Dean and Aaron, and the layover in Amsterdam was, I think, eight hours. And they were like, great, let's go into Amsterdam. Neither of them have ever been to Europe. So we're all 25. They go into town, they get space cake, they get drunk, there's probably another drug involved.

• 41:52Dax Shepard?

  And the train ride back to the airport is like a 35, 40 minute train ride. And by the time they arrive at the terminal for the airport, the train stops and Dean looks over and Aaron's dead asleep. And so he shakes weakly awake and he's like, come on, this is our stop. And then he's like, okay, okay. And then Dean gets up and he grabs his huge backpack for the big trip we're on. And he exits the train and he starts walking and he turns to see if Aaron's behind him. And he looks and the doors are closing and he looks in the window and Aaron is dead asleep. Aaron woke up with someone shaking him awake because it was the

• 42:32Dax Shepard?

  end of the train and he woke up and there was windmills everywhere. He was in the countryside.

• 42:38Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 42:40Dax Shepard?

  So I had gone to the airport. I was in Venice before them for a day or two. Then I went to the airport, took the train there and waiting for them to get off and only Dean gets off. And I'm like, where's Aaron? And he's like, I have no idea. The last time I saw him, he was asleep and the train was leaving the station. Mind you, this 2000s, we don't have cell phones, nothing. Like my entire budget for this 10 day trip was like $300 or something, right? So Dean and I go to the hostel. We start calling our girlfriends at home, thinking someone will call someone's girl, like the girlfriends will sort this out. And we thought, oh, he'll be on the next flight from Amsterdam. We'll just go to that flight. He'll figure it out. He was not

• 43:23Dax Shepard?

  on that flight. Then we came back for another flight later in the afternoon. He was not on that flight. We walk back to our hostel. Now we're pretty worried. What country is Aaron in? And we get back to our hostel and Aaron is sitting on the ground, leaned up against the fucking brick of the hostel with a paper bag and he's drinking a fifth of Jägermeister. And he somehow got there and he was on a flight that didn't even originate in Amsterdam. I think they put him through a different city, which is why we never were at the right flight.

• 43:53Speaker 01

  Right. Oh, my.

• 43:54Dax Shepard?

  And then he threw up all over my roommate's bed.

• 43:57Speaker 01

  Right.

• 43:57Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, shortly thereafter.

• 43:58Speaker 01

  Wow. What a life.

• 44:00Dax Shepard?

  That's a good train story, right?

• 44:02Speaker 01

  Hello.

• 44:03Dax Shepard?

  Hi.

• 44:04Speaker 01

  Tess, your hair is beautiful.

• 44:06Dax Shepard?

  Thank you so much. I posted a selfie today that I was having a really good hair day. So I'm glad that you guys get to see it. Is the humidity right where you're at? Or what's causing the great hair day? Curls. You don't really ever know what's going to happen.

• 44:17Speaker 05

  I took a nap right after I washed it today. So maybe that is why.

• 44:21Dax Shepard?

  When my hair was long, that was my move is to go to bed with my hair just a little damp. And I'd wake up and had all kinds of body. Mmm, I love that. Very fun to have a playful hair day.

• 44:30Speaker 01

  It is.

• 44:31Dax Shepard?

  Where are you at Tess?

• 44:32Speaker 05

  I'm currently in Paris. I know, I was on a little trip with my mom. My friend lives here and is out of town and offered her apartment for me to watch her cat for ten days.

• 44:43Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wonderful. How fun.

• 44:46Speaker 05

  I live in Brooklyn, though.

• 44:47Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so did the subway story occur on this trip?

• 44:50Speaker 05

  It just occurred in my normal life.

• 44:52Speaker 01

  Right, in Brooklyn?

• 44:53Speaker 05

  In Manhattan. So I've lived in New York for seven years, so I feel like I know the rules, the social mores of subway life. I had to run into the office two years ago on a Friday because I'd forgotten a pair of very expensive shoes there that I needed to return. Like I'd brought them the day before because they had to be returned at FedEx and I forgot to return them. So I was working from home and I had to go into the office. So I was already like kind of annoyed. It was a New York late October day where I was ready to stunt in my fall outfits. So I was wearing a really cute pair of black cargo wide leg jeans, the brand Aegold, but I had rented them from this rental clothing subscription called Newly.

• 45:36Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, yep, yep.

• 45:37Speaker 05

  So you can rent like six pieces of clothes a month from a bunch of different brands. I was stunting in those.

• 45:42Speaker 01

  Stunting is a new, I don't know that.

• 45:45Dax Shepard?

  But you do, you can figure it out. It's like flossing, looking good, strutting, right?

• 45:49Speaker 01

  I can use context because I'm just saying that this is new. I've never heard or used that. I want to use it.

• 45:54Speaker 05

  You're gonna be very cool when you use it later, or maybe I'm gonna be embarrassed for all my Gen Z cousins.

• 45:59Dax Shepard?

  Just saw her Saturday at a birthday party and she was full stunt.

• 46:02Speaker 01

  I'm birthing space for stunting.

• 46:04Dax Shepard?

  Great, really good.

• 46:06Speaker 05

  So I was wearing a sweater vest. I felt very cute. It was unfortunately not a weatherproof. Appropriate outfit. I was sweaty on top of like running around trying to find a store. It was just an all around bad afternoon. I finally found somewhere to return the shoes. And instead of walking a little further to the 14th Street Union Square subway station, I hopped on at like 28th Street, just so I could like connect with these very noise cancelling headphones on. I was listening to 1989 Taylor's version.

• 46:35Speaker 01

  Oh, hell yeah.

• 46:36Speaker 05

  The errand was done. I had a Halloween party that night. Things are turning around. So I go down the stairs, I hop on the W train, which if you are familiar with New York, it goes basically to Queens and then to South Brooklyn. I don't live in South Brooklyn. I live in Central Brooklyn. It's on a train that I'm ever on. The only reason I was on it was so that I could switch to the queue, which is my train. So I hop on the train, everything's happy, the train is pretty full. And I sit down, I realize immediately that I had sat in a human pile of shit.

• 47:10Speaker 01

  No, no, in your egg holes that are rented.

• 47:18Dax Shepard?

  Now, really quick, you could tell because you sat down and all of a sudden it was soft. You're expecting that hard plastic.

• 47:24Speaker 01

  Did it make a sound?

• 47:26Speaker 05

  I don't know, because I had my headphones on. It just felt wet on my ass. My stomach just dropped. I was like, oh my fucking god, like what did I just do? And so I stand up and I whip my headphones off and I like look around to the people around me. Because there are people on the train and this is one of those social mores where like, if there's shit on a train, it's empty. It's uncommon to find shit on a New York City subway.

• 47:52Dax Shepard?

  Oh, you're saying generally the move is when there's a dump in a train car, everyone just goes to another car and the whole car is empty, not that seat. Because I would say that's savage if the rule in New York is simply everyone stays, but you just don't sit in that seat.

• 48:06Speaker 05

  Every New Yorker I've told this to has been like, I can't believe people are on that train car. Like it is just not what you do. There's a man sitting directly across from the shit. It's like a corner. See, he's sitting directly across it. So I whip my headphones off and I look at him and I'm like, why didn't you tell me?

• 48:21Speaker 01

  Oh, wow.

• 48:22Speaker 05

  You said shit. And he was like, I'm sorry. And then another person whispered at me. He was like, I'm so sorry. And I'm like, that doesn't help me. I'm like pointing at my shit.

• 48:33Dax Shepard?

  I hate to do this to you, but when you stood up and you turned around to confirm that it was shit, what kind of shit are we talking about? Was it a soft serve?

• 48:42Speaker 05

  I anticipate you asking this. It was a puddle of soupy brown shit.

• 48:46Dax Shepard?

  Oh, diarrhea. It was harness. Wow. Fuck. So when you sat in, it probably splashed.

• 48:52Speaker 01

  How much?

• 48:52Speaker 05

  A big amount.

• 48:53Dax Shepard?

  Let's put it this way. No one ever has to like, oh, I got a diarrhea tiny bit. If you got a shit in public, like you were holding it and you got a lot of diarrhea, right? No one's ever done it like a thimble of-

• 49:04Speaker 05

  It was not a shard.

• 49:06Dax Shepard?

  It was a full.

• 49:07Speaker 01

  Almost as if they pulled their pants down and did it. They did?

• 49:11Dax Shepard?

  Of course. You can't leave a puddle of shit through your pants.

• 49:15Speaker 05

  I hopped up at the next stop because I just was overwhelmed and I was crying, but I was also like laughing because it was just like an overwhelmingly hilarious and disgusting situation. It's so intense. Two girls in like really cute clothes come to get on my train and I go, do not get on this train.

• 49:30Speaker 01

  Yes, good.

• 49:31Speaker 05

  There is shit on this train. I go into the, that stubble area and I'm sobbing and crying. I tried to call a friend who lives close. So like, maybe she could bring me clothes. Like I'm just trying to figure like how to get home. I'm still really far from home.

• 49:44Dax Shepard?

  Do you have any additional garments? Like, do you have anything that you can take off and tie on your waist?

• 49:49Speaker 05

  No, because I was wearing like a cute short sleeve white t-shirts. I like what Monica's wearing. And then a white creamy sweater vest.

• 49:57Speaker 01

  Oh my God. So cute.

• 49:58Dax Shepard?

  Well, why can't you take the sweater vest off?

• 50:01Speaker 05

  There were no sleeves. I couldn't tie it. That was like my, and I didn't want to ruin it. I liked.

• 50:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, of course.

• 50:06Dax Shepard?

  You already fucked up this one. Yeah.

• 50:08Speaker 01

  Exactly. Also, did you consider calling 911?

• 50:11Dax Shepard?

  What?

• 50:12Speaker 05

  That's a great question.

• 50:14Speaker 01

  Help.

• 50:15Speaker 05

  I should have.

• 50:16Speaker 07

  Help me, please.

• 50:17Dax Shepard?

  I guarantee you in the annals of nine one one recorded calls, there are people calling. And even if they shit themselves, maybe even like.

• 50:28Speaker 01

  Please come rescue me.

• 50:29Dax Shepard?

  I'm sorry.

• 50:31Speaker 07

  So that's sort of what I called my mom who lives in St. Louis, Missouri. Still I called her and I was like, what do I do? And she couldn't hear me because I was crying and laughing and the trains are coming through. And she just texts me like, go to a store. So I ran up the stairs. I'm on Fifth Ave, which is one of the most iconic shopping streets in the world. I'm running through Fifth Ave with my hands in the air because I sat in shit and I'm screaming to people like a crazy person like, I had shit.

• 50:58Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my God.

• 51:00Speaker 01

  Do you think people thought you were on drugs?

• 51:02Speaker 07

  Probably.

• 51:03Speaker 01

  Cause like you had shit, you're screaming.

• 51:05Dax Shepard?

  I think people were like, that's her shit.

• 51:07Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 51:08Speaker 07

  I know. And I was really trying really hard to like point and be like, there's no way that this could be my shit. Like, look where it's at. It's on the outside of my jeans.

• 51:15Speaker 01

  One time you told me a story that you saw someone with shit all over their pants.

• 51:20Dax Shepard?

  At the CVS, but it had bled through. It wasn't like chunks on the outside. It was workout pants and it had bled through.

• 51:26Speaker 01

  You can tell it bled.

• 51:27Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. Sorry. Well, I have one more question. You're not going to like, but we've avoided this thus far. Were you smelling it?

• 51:36Speaker 07

  Yes.

• 51:36Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 51:37Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 51:38Speaker 07

  That's another reason why I'm like, I'm just so surprised with the people on the train, but they were sitting with a smelly pile of shit.

• 51:45Speaker 01

  At this point, can you feel it on your body? Are you like, it's soaked into my butt?

• 51:50Speaker 07

  Yes, I was feeling damp. So a long time ago, I used to work at Lululemon, the athletic clothing brand. And when I hopped out of the subway, I saw the like stylized Omega sign. I was like, oh my God. I know the girls at Lululemon are going to help. Those people have dealt with a lot. I used to deal with a lot.

• 52:09Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 52:10Speaker 07

  So I run in and I like run straight to the nearest, we call them educators at Lululemon. They're not. So they're educators. And I'm waving at her and she is with a customer and she like looks at me like, oh, what the fuck is going on? And she goes, are you okay? And I'm like, yeah, I just sat in shit on the subway. Like I need new pants right now. And so she sends me over to the pant wall. So I go to the pants wall. I'm like, give me a size six and a.

• 52:35Speaker 02

  Black lady don't care to give it to me now. I tried to get a dressing room and like every dressing room's full and I'm still freaking out. And I'm like, I sat in shit. I need to change right now. And another customer is like, would you like to sit down so you can calm down? I'm like, no, I don't want to sit. Do you see what's on my person? Like, no. So I finally changed into leggings ever so delicately so I don't get any of the shit onto my body. They gave me a Lululemon bags. I could put it in the bag. And then I go to checkout with the security tag still on me. I had to like jump up onto the counters so they could remove the security tag. The very kind people at the Flatiron Lululemon did give me a seventy-five percent off. They called it the Uda stat and human shit discount.

• 53:20Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wow. That's nice. The educators are nice.

• 53:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's a good company.

• 53:25Speaker 02

  They were really nice. And then I took my bag of shit jeans and as you remember, I rented these jeans. And I could have just throw them away because if I had thrown them away, I'd be charged like two hundred and twenty dollars. They're an expensive brand. So I just like had my shit jeans in my new leggings. My outfit was no longer cute because it looked dumb. I was wearing leggings with a cute sweater vest. And I went home. I grabbed my laundry detergent. I went to my laundromat. I threw my shit jeans into the laundromat with some laundry detergent. I sat there and then I returned them the next day. I was like, I have to get those out of my house.

• 54:01Speaker 01

  So somebody else is currently wearing them.

• 54:04Dax Shepard?

  Previously, uh.

• 54:06Speaker 01

  Now, did you consider just reaching out to Newly and say like, hey, this is what happened. We gotta throw these.

• 54:12Dax Shepard?

  Is that what you would have done?

• 54:13Speaker 01

  I think so. I think so.

• 54:15Dax Shepard?

  I would have done what you did.

• 54:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 54:16Dax Shepard?

  How long ago was that?

• 54:17Speaker 02

  That was October twenty eighth, twenty twenty-three. I'll never forget the date. I didn't like sit down on the subway for months after. I got a lot of shame.

• 54:27Dax Shepard?

  Not looking before I saw. When music's so powerful and enveloping, one has to remind themselves to still look around.

• 54:34Speaker 01

  Really true. Cautionary tale yet again.

• 54:37Dax Shepard?

  So many lessons were learned on this subway episode.

• 54:41Speaker 01

  Thanks so much for sharing that.

• 54:43Dax Shepard?

  Thank you so much. It's so good to meet you. Bye bye. Oh, I'm so glad we got some pootie, some poo poo.

• 54:52Speaker 01

  Yeah. When all these kids are listening to this show, I wonder what they're learning. You know, they're learning about Jell-O leg. They're learning about masturbation while shitting.

• 55:01Dax Shepard?

  I'll tell you what they're learning. They're learning the reality of the planet they live on. I think that's the service we provide. It's like, these are the stories people come right out with when you meet them. And you're inclined to think that everything's honky dory, but then you dig a little deeper. It's like, no, everyone's been sprayed on or sat and shit. Or, you know, all these things are happening.

• 55:22Speaker 01

  It's a messy business.

• 55:23Dax Shepard?

  They're coming hot and fast. All right. Love you.

• 55:25Speaker 01

  Love you.

• 55:28Speaker 07

  Do you want to sing a tune or something? We have a theme song.

• 55:30Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay, great.

• 55:33Speaker 07

  We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the fly, a rhyme dish. On the fly, a rhyme dish. Enjoy.