Lisa Gilroy asks about Handsome at The Oscars

The hilarious Lisa Gilroy asks Handsome about who would play them in a biopic... plus cave-person PMS, Fortune's jugs, and much more! Handsome is streaming LIVE from Austin April 12! Get your tickets here https://www.squadup.com/events/handsome-streaming-live-from-austin. Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.com http://handsomepod.com/Watch Handsome on YouTube http://youtube.com/@handsomepodThis is a Headgum https://headgum.com/ podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter https://x.com/headgum, Instagram https://www.instagram.com/headgum/, and Tiktok https://www.tiktok.com/@headgum. Advertise on Handsome https://gumball.fm/shows/handsome via Gumball.fm http://gumball.fm/. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  This is a HeadGum Podcast.

• 0:04Mae Martin?

  Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking whether I brought my sunglasses before driving west at the end of the day? A learning moment. I'm gaining confidence in my driving, but it helps when I'm not blinded by the sun beaming directly into my eyeballs.

• 0:18Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, checking first is handsome, so check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 0:34Mae Martin?

  Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking the program before sitting down to enjoy a school play? I'm in shambles. Turns out there's no intermission during this three-hour Shakespeare adaptation, and I really need to go to the bathroom.

• 0:47Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, checking first is handsome, so check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 1:03Mae Martin?

  Handsome is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-in-one platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online with a handy, handsome website you can be proud of and show off to all your friends, clients, and loved ones. With Squarespace, you can scale up your business, claim your domain, and showcase your offerings with a premium, professional website.

• 1:21Fortune Feimster?

  With Squarespace's cutting-edge design tools, you can build a gorgeous online presence that perfectly fits your brand or business. Their SEO tools help your ideal audience find you. Since every dream needs a domain, Squarespace makes it easy to find the best name for your business at one fair, all-inclusive price. No hidden fees, no required add-ons. Squarespace offers countless extras like built-in donation tools for fundraising, and online payments and invoicing to help you get paid on time. Squarespace makes it easy. So easy, we even made a handsome website ourselves in less than 20 minutes.

• 1:53Mae Martin?

  So what are you waiting for? Get started on your dream website today. Head to Squarespace.com/handsome for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code HANSOME to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

• 2:10Tig Notaro?

  Hi, it's your friend Tig Notaro on the podcast Handsome. I'm sitting here with my co-host.

• 2:24Mae Martin?

  Mae Martin.

• 2:26Tig Notaro?

  And Fortune Feimster.

• 2:30Fortune Feimster?

  Wow.

• 2:32Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, that is something you have not

• 2:37Tig Notaro?

  done before, Fortune.

• 2:39Mae Martin?

  Skill you have not showcased.

• 2:41Fortune Feimster?

  I want you to learn something new about me in every episode.

• 2:45Tig Notaro?

  And you can do

• 2:50Mae Martin?

  You can do it too?

• 2:51Tig Notaro?

  That's right, May. What about yourself?

• 2:55Mae Martin?

  Oh, see, I it's how it do it again?

• 3:02Tig Notaro?

  Wow, that's even better.

• 3:05Fortune Feimster?

  You don't succeed.

• 3:07Mae Martin?

  Pew pew again.

• 3:08Tig Notaro?

  I'm sorry, Fortune, can you say that quote again? I'd like to write it down.

• 3:13Fortune Feimster?

  You should write it down.

• 3:16Fortune Feimster?

  If at first you don't succeed.

• 3:19Tig Notaro?

  Okay.

• 3:19Fortune Feimster?

  Try. Try again.

• 3:23Tig Notaro?

  Try.

• 3:24Fortune Feimster?

  I came up with that all by myself, no one else.

• 3:26Tig Notaro?

  That's really good.

• 3:30Mae Martin?

  How are you guys?

• 3:31Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, what is shaking, other than a lot of talent out of everybody? I was seeing how my eyesight is completely going, near and far.

• 3:41Mae Martin?

  Near and far.

• 3:42Tig Notaro?

  Near and far.

• 3:43Fortune Feimster?

  Oh shit.

• 3:45Tig Notaro?

  It is a real situation. I cannot see anything.

• 3:48Mae Martin?

  I think you got to work on, um, I've been listening to the telepathy tapes and there's now there's all these people who they're blindfolded, but they can see through their mother's eyes or through their their through people's eyes.

• 4:02Tig Notaro?

  I heard about this. This is a podcast.

• 4:07Mae Martin?

  This is a podcast that's so like paradigm shifting. That's basically scientists testing telepathy and we should test, we should test if we're connected.

• 4:17Tig Notaro?

  I thought that's what you just did when you put your hand over your eyes.

• 4:19Fortune Feimster?

  Okay, what do you guys think? What word do you think I'm thinking right now?

• 4:25Mae Martin?

  Cooter.

• 4:27Tig Notaro?

  I was.

• 4:29Fortune Feimster?

  Are you serious?

• 4:30Mae Martin?

  No.

• 4:30Fortune Feimster?

  Swear to God, are you serious? I swear to you.

• 4:33Tig Notaro?

  Why are you guys acting shocked? Of course, that is what Fortune was thinking about.

• 4:40Fortune Feimster?

  But still, it could have been biscuits, it could have been.

• 4:43Tig Notaro?

  No.

• 4:44Fortune Feimster?

  Biggies.

• 4:45Tig Notaro?

  No.

• 4:45Fortune Feimster?

  It was cooter. Oh, my God, May, it's rubbing off on you.

• 4:51Tig Notaro?

  You two are really connected.

• 4:53Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I'm gonna think of a number from one to 10. If you're listening.

• 4:56Tig Notaro?

  That was the ultimate two against one, I have to say.

• 4:58Mae Martin?

  Yeah, that was actually, yeah.

• 5:01Mae Martin?

  Uh, number from one to 10, I'm sending it to you guys. And if you're listening at home, you can also play. And I'm screaming it at you in my head.

• 5:09Tig Notaro?

  What if nobody's listening at home?

• 5:12Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God.

• 5:13Tig Notaro?

  And this is all for nothing. Okay.

• 5:15Mae Martin?

  Take?

• 5:16Tig Notaro?

  Uh, the number eight.

• 5:18Mae Martin?

  It was eight.

• 5:19Tig Notaro?

  No.

• 5:19Mae Martin?

  I swear to God.

• 5:21Tig Notaro?

  Oh. Fortune, what number were you gonna say?

• 5:25Fortune Feimster?

  Say, well, I did say six.

• 5:27Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, that is not eight. It is very different from eight.

• 5:31Mae Martin?

  I guess we're not as connected as we thought, Fortune.

• 5:35Fortune Feimster?

  That's all right, you two are connected now. That means all of us are connected.

• 5:40Tig Notaro?

  Mm hmm. Okay, I'm gonna do this. Fortune, what band am I thinking of?

• 5:48Fortune Feimster?

  Indigo Girls.

• 5:49Tig Notaro?

  Of course, of course. What else would I think about? What am I always thinking about?

• 6:00Fortune Feimster?

  Who am I am defined?

• 6:04Mae Martin?

  Apparently, there are kids in schools, though, who they're training. Like, it's like a muscle you can exercise. And the more they practice, they're getting genuinely good at like guessing what color cards are being held up and stuff like that.

• 6:16Tig Notaro?

  Seems like we don't need to practice anymore.

• 6:19Mae Martin?

  Practice at all.

• 6:20Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I mean, we got every question right. Stephanie and I went on a, um, a podcast where we had to do like a dating game type thing, like a newlywed game.

• 6:31Mae Martin?

  Uh huh.

• 6:32Tig Notaro?

  And we really answered some weird questions correctly.

• 6:36Mae Martin?

  Oh, you did? Thank God, because that would be so awkward if you knew nothing about each other.

• 6:41Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, like, one of the things was, what does Stephanie do that is a weird habit? And I was like, I don't know if she's gonna say this or not, but when she's in the bathtub. Um, she makes this hand, and if you want to see it, head on over to YouTube. But she makes this hand underneath the water spout.

• 7:06Mae Martin?

  Oh, like a claw shaped kind of.

• 7:08Tig Notaro?

  Well, don't tell people because they have to.

• 7:10Mae Martin?

  Oh, sorry.

• 7:11Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, you'd have to go to YouTube to see what we're doing. But when the water's pouring out, she sits in the tub and does that underneath the water.

• 7:20Fortune Feimster?

  Like a soothing thing?

• 7:22Tig Notaro?

  Or she'll make a little cup and she guessed that was the correct.

• 7:26Fortune Feimster?

  Wow, that is, that is of all things, an interesting one to land on.

• 7:32Tig Notaro?

  It's weird. It's weird.

• 7:34Mae Martin?

  I think I've done that circle one where you, you make a circle that the stream of water is.

• 7:39Tig Notaro?

  Like it's a cup.

• 7:40Mae Martin?

  Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 7:42Tig Notaro?

  But the other one, the, this thing that you'd have to see on YouTube, that.

• 7:46Fortune Feimster?

  This is what I do when I speak Italian.

• 7:48Tig Notaro?

  Yes, Italian, that's what I am, Italiano, notaro.

• 7:56Mae Martin?

  Um, I have a, a Mayfact for you guys.

• 8:00Tig Notaro?

  Oh.

• 8:01Mae Martin?

  I'm pretty pleased. I feel like I haven't had one in a while.

• 8:03Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 8:04Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, hear it.

• 8:05Mae Martin?

  Okay, hatters, hat, hatters, people who make hats. They, uh, used to use mercury to make the hats or some part of the process. And so a lot of them were going nuts from mercury poisoning. And that's why we get mad as a hatter or the mad hatter in Alice in Wonderland. Cause hatters were nuts from mercury.

• 8:25Tig Notaro?

  Wow, I did not know that.

• 8:27Mae Martin?

  Isn't that crazy?

• 8:29Tig Notaro?

  Wait, I'm gonna go ahead and press the Mayfact button.

• 8:31Fortune Feimster?

  Pretend I don't know that?

• 8:33Mae Martin?

  You, did you know that?

• 8:35Fortune Feimster?

  No.

• 8:37Mae Martin?

  No, be honest with me. Be honest with me. You knew that?

• 8:39Fortune Feimster?

  Yes, I did know that.

• 8:40Mae Martin?

  Damn.

• 8:41Tig Notaro?

  I don't believe fortune.

• 8:43Fortune Feimster?

  Why don't you put it, shove it up your butt?

• 8:46Tig Notaro?

  Oh.

• 8:50Tig Notaro?

  Okay, we just had a real technical difficulty.

• 8:54Mae Martin?

  Real?

• 8:55Fortune Feimster?

  My bad.

• 8:56Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, Fortune.

• 8:57Fortune Feimster?

  I had to put on my headset.

• 8:59Tig Notaro?

  Turns out Fortune's internet did not go back on at 10 a.m. today.

• 9:03Fortune Feimster?

  No, it didn't.

• 9:04Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, it was cutting in and out. So Fortune is now in a different place in her house, but also has a plant behind her. So all is well. And old dead eyes is snoozing up the storm.

• 9:14Fortune Feimster?

  Stop! He is adorable and full of life. People at my shows now are like, Tig's wrong. I'm like, I know.

• 9:22Tig Notaro?

  Wait, listen, do you think I'm saying this dog is not adorable?

• 9:26Fortune Feimster?

  I don't know.

• 9:27Tig Notaro?

  Do you not understand how much I love Biggie? And how adorable I think Biggie is?

• 9:33Fortune Feimster?

  Okay, now I know.

• 9:34Mae Martin?

  And that Tig loves creatures with dead eyes.

• 9:35Tig Notaro?

  And I just love creatures.

• 9:37Fortune Feimster?

  You do love creatures. You protect them.

• 9:39Tig Notaro?

  And I love Biggie.

• 9:41Fortune Feimster?

  Hey, sweet.

• 9:42Tig Notaro?

  Hey, sweet.

• 9:44Fortune Feimster?

  Sweet.

• 9:45Tig Notaro?

  I have no idea what we were talking about before.

• 9:48Mae Martin?

  I don't either. Mad hatters, mad hatters. Sorry to get really over excited about my Mayfats there.

• 9:54Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, you were kind of acting like a mad hatter there.

• 9:56Mae Martin?

  Well, if you think about it, that back then, they wouldn't have known that that's why all the hatters were crazy was the mercury. So was it just like, oh yeah, we all know that people who make hats are nuts? And if you had to go get a hat, you'd be like, I hope I come out of this alive, like.

• 10:09Fortune Feimster?

  I know.

• 10:10Tig Notaro?

  BS.

• 10:10Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 10:11Fortune Feimster?

  But back then, you didn't even need a reason to be upset with someone. They burned women and called them witches for no reason.

• 10:17Tig Notaro?

  Are you talking about these days?

• 10:19Fortune Feimster?

  No, well.

• 10:23Mae Martin?

  But you would just go around slapping someone with a glove and challenging them to a duel.

• 10:28Tig Notaro?

  I know. I think all the time about during the time of cavemen and women and they thems and how.

• 10:37Mae Martin?

  Cave them, cave thems.

• 10:42Tig Notaro?

  But like when somebody was sick, imagine somebody or in any sort of pain or like somebody starts their period or whatever it is, and you don't have words or understanding for what is happening. How confusing that must have been.

• 10:59Mae Martin?

  Guess it'd be similar to like chimps or something. Like maybe people would sort of rally around the, or they'd just, if they were nomadic, they'd be like, leave them behind.

• 11:09Fortune Feimster?

  They didn't go P M S.

• 11:14Mae Martin?

  Yeah, they didn't have English language, but they had acronyms for some reason.

• 11:18Fortune Feimster?

  P M M S?

• 11:22Tig Notaro?

  And it goes up on the S?

• 11:24Fortune Feimster?

  O M P? Hormones bad.

• 11:31Tig Notaro?

  Hormones bad?

• 11:32Fortune Feimster?

  Very all over the place.

• 11:35Tig Notaro?

  Suddenly they can speak.

• 11:37Fortune Feimster?

  Get on H R T?

• 11:42Fortune Feimster?

  Estrogen low.

• 11:44Tig Notaro?

  Anyway, that's my cave impression.

• 11:47Mae Martin?

  You guys want one more? So I feel like my fact was slightly deflated by the technical difficulty and the fact that Fortune already knew it. No, I just, I want, I got one more if you're interested.

• 11:57Tig Notaro?

  Please.

• 11:58Mae Martin?

  Tig looked like she was about to say, we're not interested.

• 12:02Tig Notaro?

  Well, I mean, we're not, but you're gonna do it anyway. So let's hear it.

• 12:07Mae Martin?

  Thanks. Um, okay. So, yeah.

• 12:10Tig Notaro?

  Thanks.

• 12:11Mae Martin?

  You're right. It was rhetorical. Uh, it's your shit. Anyway, so in the old days, if you were really poor, like in Victorian times, you would sell your urine to leather tanners and they would use it to tend their leather. And that's where the expression piss poor comes from. And they would also say if they're really poor, they don't even have a pot to piss in.

• 12:31Tig Notaro?

  Oh, wow.

• 12:32Mae Martin?

  Good night, everyone.

• 12:33Tig Notaro?

  Oh, are you going to bed?

• 12:36Tig Notaro?

  Good night, May. Wow.

• 12:38Fortune Feimster?

  Honk shoe, honk shoe.

• 12:41Mae Martin?

  But that's pretty good, right?

• 12:43Tig Notaro?

  That is pretty good. But how did you stumble upon the mercury and the leather urine? Was it just for this episode?

• 12:50Mae Martin?

  No, I was, wow, there was a podcast called Shit Town and I was listening to that and the guy in it has, has mercury poisoning that makes him crazy. And so then I was Googling, I went down a bit of a rabbit hole. And then I was learning about hatters and.

• 13:05Fortune Feimster?

  Did you know a rabbit hole comes from? Rabbits going down a hole?

• 13:11Tig Notaro?

  Where did you hear about this, Fortune?

• 13:13Mae Martin?

  Are you sure? I thought you were gonna say it comes from rabbits.

• 13:16Fortune Feimster?

  When you go down a rabbit hole.

• 13:17Tig Notaro?

  Now, do you think that people going down so many rabbit holes these days? These rabbits are getting tired of all these people heading down there?

• 13:26Fortune Feimster?

  I think so.

• 13:27Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 13:28Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 13:29Tig Notaro?

  That feels like a new stand-up bit for me. It's good.

• 13:31Fortune Feimster?

  It does feel like a Tig bit.

• 13:32Mae Martin?

  Like it's got legs.

• 13:34Tig Notaro?

  Rabbit feet.

• 13:36Fortune Feimster?

  You should run with that.

• 13:37Tig Notaro?

  You should hop with that.

• 13:38Mae Martin?

  You should hop with that.

• 13:39Tig Notaro?

  I'm on fire.

• 13:41Mae Martin?

  You're on fur.

• 13:43Tig Notaro?

  Fortune, did you write something down or are you?

• 13:45Fortune Feimster?

  I'm looking at Biggie, sorry.

• 13:47Tig Notaro?

  Oh, that's okay.

• 13:48Fortune Feimster?

  Jax has been out of town for two weeks and it's just been he and I, the two of us. And we have had quite the adventures.

• 13:57Mae Martin?

  Really?

• 13:58Fortune Feimster?

  Gone everywhere with me.

• 14:00Tig Notaro?

  Where have you gone?

• 14:01Fortune Feimster?

  A lot of shows. He's been with me to a lot of shows.

• 14:04Tig Notaro?

  Does he go on stage with you?

• 14:06Fortune Feimster?

  At the very end, because you know, he's still focused.

• 14:09Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 14:09Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 14:10Fortune Feimster?

  Some shows, he's just sat in his bag, like at Largo, he just sat in his bag on the side of the stage. And slept while I was doing my set.

• 14:20Tig Notaro?

  Now, May, do you happen to know where happy as a clam comes from?

• 14:24Mae Martin?

  I'm glad you asked and, uh, no, and that's crazy. I should know that and I'm sorry.

• 14:29Tig Notaro?

  You really should.

• 14:31Mae Martin?

  Is it because they, like, like when they, they look like they're smiling? Okay, we're gonna have to find out.

• 14:36Fortune Feimster?

  I think it comes from The Little Mermaid. Those clams, when they were singing, "Under the Sea," seemed very happy.

• 14:43Tig Notaro?

  Yes, but happy as a clam has been around.

• 14:47Fortune Feimster?

  "Diving is better down where it's wetter. Take it from me."

• 14:50Mae Martin?

  I keep hearing innuendos and I can't stop, like, rabbit hole. It's better down where it's wetter. I can't, I can't stop.

• 14:57Tig Notaro?

  The idiom happy as a clam. Likely originates from the phrase.

• 15:03Fortune Feimster?

  One of y'all should decide to read it.

• 15:05Tig Notaro?

  Happy as a clam at high water because clams are safe from predators during high tide, making them happy in that state.

• 15:14Mae Martin?

  Oh.

• 15:14Tig Notaro?

  And because they have big smiles on their face.

• 15:17Mae Martin?

  So happy as a clam at high water.

• 15:20Tig Notaro?

  Mm-hmm.

• 15:21Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 15:21Tig Notaro?

  They're safe.

• 15:22Mae Martin?

  So happy as a clam, not accurate, because a lot of the time at low water, for instance, the clams would be very distressed.

• 15:28Tig Notaro?

  Mm-hmm.

• 15:30Mae Martin?

  Anyway.

• 15:30Tig Notaro?

  Let's go to commercial.

• 15:33Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, man.

• 15:38Fortune Feimster?

  Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking that I've got a little snack with me before I leave the house? My stomach and I are grumbling. I thought I'd be able to grab a bite in between meetings, but now it's getting late and I could really use a candy bar.

• 15:53Mae Martin?

  Yeah, checking first is handsome, so check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary. Subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 16:06Tig Notaro?

  The handsome hollybob season is fast approaching, and I'm realizing that we haven't hosted friends and family for a few months. Looking around my home, it's in need of a bit of a festive refresh. For all things hosting, Wayfair delivers high-quality, customer-trusted products for your home so you can host and celebrate without the stress.

• 16:29Fortune Feimster?

  Wayfair helps you create a home that stands up to real life with quality products, great value, and trusted reviews. Products are hand-vetted by a product specialist using a 10-point quality inspection. They've got options for every style and budget. I'm more into the classic holiday look with multicolor bulbs, tinsel, you name it. Wayfair has all of that. I use Wayfair to decorate my fireplace this season, and it looks so cozy and festive. I love everything I've gotten on Wayfair, and I know you will too.

• 16:57Tig Notaro?

  When refreshing your home this holiday season, Wayfair delivers exactly what you need. Head to wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com.

• 17:13Fortune Feimster?

  There's nothing quite like having pieces in your closet you love and know that you can count on for any occasion, except maybe giving someone else that same feeling. This holiday season, Quince is where I'm finding those pieces. Quince makes elevated everyday essentials using premium materials like Mongolian cashmere, organic cotton, and premium stretch denim.

• 17:34Tig Notaro?

  Let me tell you about my jeans. I got a pair of the Luna Stretch Slim Straight Jeans for only 50 bucks compared to that $235. Compare that to $230.

• 17:46Fortune Feimster?

  $35 at traditional retail. They're quickly turning into my favorite thing to cover my legs with. I'm gonna pick up some more pairs because Quince has tons of color options as well. Give the gift of quality this holiday season. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was handsome. It's the best way to support the show.

• 18:18Mae Martin?

  So Fortune, part of the telepathy tapes talks a lot about dogs having telepathy with their owners and like knowing when the owner's coming home, the dog will come, go sit by the door. But this might be a good time for you and Biggie to practice and

• 18:32Fortune Feimster?

  He's asleep right now. I think he's, I think he's thinking about treats.

• 18:38Mae Martin?

  Right.

• 18:38Fortune Feimster?

  He always sits by the door and waits for us to come home. We look in the camera and I, I'm like, go sleep, go chill. But he cannot, he goes right by that door, sits and waits and howls.

• 18:50Tig Notaro?

  The whole time you're gone?

• 18:52Fortune Feimster?

  The whole time. It's, it's me out.

• 18:54Tig Notaro?

  Oh, no.

• 18:55Fortune Feimster?

  So that's why I'm taking him.

• 18:57Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. I mean, when do you ever leave him at home?

• 19:01Fortune Feimster?

  I mean, you know, if you dinner, if you, you go to dinner or something, you know.

• 19:06Tig Notaro?

  Why would you go to dinner?

• 19:08Fortune Feimster?

  I know. I don't like to leave him very much, but I do sometimes.

• 19:11Tig Notaro?

  Do you ever have a dog sitter?

• 19:13Fortune Feimster?

  We're never gone for longer than a couple hours. So he's okay.

• 19:17Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 19:18Fortune Feimster?

  It's just, he's a spoiled boy.

• 19:20Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 19:21Mae Martin?

  Do you think I should get a dog? I'm really thinking about it. I know we've talked about this before, but I am really, I want an older dog.

• 19:29Tig Notaro?

  Did you say no?

• 19:30Fortune Feimster?

  I don't know, cause May travels a lot.

• 19:32Mae Martin?

  But these days it feels like half the plane is.

• 19:35Fortune Feimster?

  I travel a ton, but Jack stays home with him.

• 19:36Tig Notaro?

  Why don't you get a tiny dog?

• 19:39Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, don't get a big dog.

• 19:40Mae Martin?

  I think I like big dogs.

• 19:43Tig Notaro?

  Would you get a boy or a girl?

• 19:45Mae Martin?

  I'd get a they.

• 19:47Tig Notaro?

  Oh, yeah.

• 19:48Mae Martin?

  That decision for it.

• 19:49Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 19:51Mae Martin?

  No, I'd get like a medium sized, older dog that no one's gonna rescue, that's in the pound or whatever. And then I would maybe have joint custody with my friend, Alana.

• 20:02Fortune Feimster?

  That would be good. Sharing a dog.

• 20:05Mae Martin?

  Yeah, right?

• 20:06Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 20:06Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. Cause you guys aren't gonna break up or anything.

• 20:09Fortune Feimster?

  Exactly. And you'd be like, oh, this week I'm going to Toronto. Can you watch?

• 20:14Tig Notaro?

  And Alana wants a dog?

• 20:16Mae Martin?

  Well, it wouldn't be called Foo Foo. Alana does also want a dog.

• 20:20Tig Notaro?

  Oh, okay. Well, this works out perfectly.

• 20:22Fortune Feimster?

  Little bunny Foo Foo, I don't wanna see you hopping through the forest and getting and bopping him in the head.

• 20:30Tig Notaro?

  Is that the, uh, final recording?

• 20:33Fortune Feimster?

  No, I, there's a part that I can't remember. You guys never heard this?

• 20:37Mae Martin?

  I've never heard that song.

• 20:39Fortune Feimster?

  Little bunny Foo Foo, hopping through the forest. Picking up the field mice and bopping them on the head.

• 20:48Mae Martin?

  Wait.

• 20:49Fortune Feimster?

  And then something says something, something. And then somebody comes in and they do something.

• 20:55Tig Notaro?

  Mm-hmm.

• 20:56Mae Martin?

  Well, I'm into the plot. The plot's hooked me, but I've never heard it.

• 21:01Tig Notaro?

  But wait, nobody said they ate him. It said they bopped him on the head.

• 21:06Fortune Feimster?

  Picking up the field mice and bopping them on the head.

• 21:09Tig Notaro?

  That doesn't mean eating.

• 21:10Mae Martin?

  But why would a rabbit do that if not to subdue it before eating it?

• 21:14Tig Notaro?

  Frustrated for everybody being down in the rabbit hole with them.

• 21:18Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 21:19Tig Notaro?

  Just finally coming up and be like, uh-uh.

• 21:22Mae Martin?

  And also, who is the singer saying, "I don't wanna see you" to the rabbit? You know what I mean?

• 21:27Fortune Feimster?

  Well, let me look it up. The Wiggles singer version of this. Okay. Little bunny Foo Foo hopping through the forest, scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head. Down came the good fairy and the good fairy said, "Little bunny Foo Foo, I don't wanna see you scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head. I'm gonna give you three chances and then I'm gonna turn you into a goon." I don't remember goon. Do you guys remember that?

• 21:55Tig Notaro?

  Well, May isn't even familiar with, you know.

• 21:59Mae Martin?

  I have a lot of questions about who the good fairy is.

• 22:01Fortune Feimster?

  Australian?

• 22:03Tig Notaro?

  I don't know. Are we going into another Australian tangent?

• 22:07Fortune Feimster?

  Do you think they know Keith Urban?

• 22:10Mae Martin?

  No.

• 22:13Mae Martin?

  Oh my god. Keith Urban should cover that song, though.

• 22:17Fortune Feimster?

  I know. No.

• 22:19Tig Notaro?

  I know.

• 22:20Fortune Feimster?

  If you guys are in for a treat, because on one of our prequel episodes, we go deep into our Australian accents. It was...

• 22:32Fortune Feimster?

  Honestly, some of Minotaur's best work. It came out last week. If you didn't listen to that prelude episode, I think you should.

• 22:41Tig Notaro?

  Oh, yes.

• 22:42Fortune Feimster?

  The three of us are on there and there might be a rendition of one of Nicole Kidman's greatest works.

• 22:50Tig Notaro?

  And one of Keith Urban's greatest works as well.

• 22:52Fortune Feimster?

  You're right, my friend.

• 22:53Tig Notaro?

  And I would say it's one of Handsome's greatest works as an episode.

• 22:57Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 22:58Tig Notaro?

  Should we get into our question?

• 23:00Mae Martin?

  I'd love to.

• 23:01Tig Notaro?

  I think we should.

• 23:02Mae Martin?

  I'm really excited. This is one of my, one of my fellow countrymen. Never use that expression. Today's question asker is a Canadian actor, comedian, and YouTuber known for her hilarious online videos. She's appeared on Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Jury Duty, Glamorous, and Interior Chinatown. Lisa Gilroy is asking today's question.

• 23:26Tig Notaro?

  Nice.

• 23:28Speaker 00

  Hi, handsome. It's Lisa. Okay, here's my question for you. The year is 2052 and you're at the Oscars. Congratulations, honey. And there's a biopic about you and your life and the lead actor who plays you has just been nominated for an Academy Award. And they say so and so nominated for Life of So-and-so. And they, it cuts to the big screen at the Oscars and it plays a clip from the movie, a dramatic clip probably, but who knows? And so I want to know what's the clip from your life that plays and who is the actor that just got nominated for playing you?

• 24:02Tig Notaro?

  Wow.

• 24:03Speaker 00

  Love you.

• 24:04Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my God. I can't believe she just told me that she loved me.

• 24:08Fortune Feimster?

  It was for.

• 24:09Tig Notaro?

  I was not expecting Lisa Gilroy to tell me that she loved me.

• 24:15Mae Martin?

  I know. And then she kissed us all.

• 24:17Tig Notaro?

  Well, no, kissed me.

• 24:19Mae Martin?

  Oh, it was just aimed at you?

• 24:21Tig Notaro?

  Yes.

• 24:21Mae Martin?

  I didn't pick up on that.

• 24:22Tig Notaro?

  No, well.

• 24:23Fortune Feimster?

  I haven't been kissed in a long time.

• 24:25Tig Notaro?

  You haven't?

• 24:26Mae Martin?

  I'm coming over for it.

• 24:27Tig Notaro?

  In how long?

• 24:28Fortune Feimster?

  I need some sugar.

• 24:30Mae Martin?

  As soon as I'm back.

• 24:32Tig Notaro?

  Well, you know what? I kissed you on Valentine's Day.

• 24:35Mae Martin?

  That's right. Never mind.

• 24:37Tig Notaro?

  I take it back.

• 24:38Mae Martin?

  Oh, yeah.

• 24:39Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 24:40Fortune Feimster?

  You gotta get back in person again, so we can cuddle puddle.

• 24:44Tig Notaro?

  Delightful. If only May would come home.

• 24:47Fortune Feimster?

  May come home.

• 24:49Mae Martin?

  I'm away. Nobody liked that as much as.

• 24:53Fortune Feimster?

  You're in Canada where they're so mad at us right now, but we didn't do anything. Other people did.

• 25:00Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 25:01Mae Martin?

  I think I like that song I just wrote because it sounds like, um, what's that one? I've been out walking. I don't do too much talking these days. These days.

• 25:14Fortune Feimster?

  They sound like that?

• 25:15Mae Martin?

  I sound exactly like her.

• 25:17Fortune Feimster?

  Why do they sound like that?

• 25:19Mae Martin?

  That's just her voice.

• 25:20Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 25:21Fortune Feimster?

  It's no little bunny foo foo.

• 25:22Tig Notaro?

  Is there a documentary about Nico?

• 25:24Fortune Feimster?

  Who was Nico?

• 25:26Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my.

• 25:27Mae Martin?

  She was in the sixties.

• 25:29Tig Notaro?

  She was in the sixties.

• 25:31Mae Martin?

  She was in the sixties, you know.

• 25:33Tig Notaro?

  I. Fortune, go down your own rabbit hole and find out about Nico.

• 25:37Fortune Feimster?

  All the leaves are brown.

• 25:40Mae Martin?

  No.

• 25:40Fortune Feimster?

  And the sky is gray.

• 25:42Mae Martin?

  You just picked a random song from.

• 25:43Fortune Feimster?

  I've been for a walk.

• 25:44Tig Notaro?

  Wait, is the, is the song All the Leaves Are Brown and this guy is gay?

• 25:50Mae Martin?

  And this guy is gay.

• 25:52Fortune Feimster?

  This guy is gay.

• 25:56Fortune Feimster?

  If I was in L.A.

• 25:58Mae Martin?

  If I was in L.A.

• 26:01Fortune Feimster?

  California dreaming. This guy is gay. On such a winter's day.

• 26:08Mae Martin?

  This guy is gay. Um, nineteen fifty-two, it's the, or not nineteen fifty-two, twenty fifty-two, it's the Oscars.

• 26:15Tig Notaro?

  That's a long time. Fifty-two.

• 26:18Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 26:18Fortune Feimster?

  That means someone old's gonna, wait.

• 26:21Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 26:21Fortune Feimster?

  Can, can they play us soon?

• 26:24Mae Martin?

  This is tough because we, it's like, are we picking, yeah, an actor who's never been born yet.

• 26:29Tig Notaro?

  Years? I'm fifty-four.

• 26:30Fortune Feimster?

  Right.

• 26:31Tig Notaro?

  So what, I'm gonna be in my eighties and I have to wait that long?

• 26:35Fortune Feimster?

  I'm gonna make an amendment that someone's playing me soon.

• 26:38Mae Martin?

  Yeah, let's pretend it's next year's Oscars and I want to know what clip they're showing, what scene, I, I like that part of the question from your life, that, that, that is like the Oscar winning clip.

• 26:51Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, let's hear it, guys. What you got?

• 26:53Mae Martin?

  Well, any thoughts on actors, first of all?

• 26:56Tig Notaro?

  For me, it would be Timothy Chalamet.

• 26:58Fortune Feimster?

  That's a good one.

• 27:01Mae Martin?

  And he's, you know, I think he could do it.

• 27:04Tig Notaro?

  Sure he could.

• 27:05Fortune Feimster?

  He'd nail it.

• 27:06Mae Martin?

  He'd go method for years.

• 27:08Tig Notaro?

  And I kinda sing like Bob Dylan, you know?

• 27:12Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 27:14Fortune Feimster?

  How many roads must a man walk down?

• 27:18Mae Martin?

  Okay, it's Chalamet and he's playing you at, it's your life story. So he was playing you kind of from birth to now.

• 27:23Tig Notaro?

  As a little girl.

• 27:24Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 27:25Tig Notaro?

  And then as an old lesbian.

• 27:27Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 27:29Fortune Feimster?

  I've been dying to see him play an old lesbian.

• 27:31Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 27:32Mae Martin?

  Me too.

• 27:33Tig Notaro?

  He only plays young lesbians.

• 27:35Mae Martin?

  And what scene do you think would be like the most dramatic pivotal scene that they would use?

• 27:42Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, give us your best Nicole Kidman level acting.

• 27:47Tig Notaro?

  Nicole Kidman plays Stephanie Allen.

• 27:51Mae Martin?

  Oh, that's interesting. It's Timothy Chalamet and Nicole Kidman.

• 27:55Fortune Feimster?

  I like this.

• 27:56Tig Notaro?

  Except it's reversed, you know, because I am older than Stephanie.

• 28:00Mae Martin?

  Yeah, what sort of a comment on that?

• 28:02Fortune Feimster?

  Who cares? We can take creative license.

• 28:05Tig Notaro?

  That's right. Yeah. So it's me and Nicole Kidman and it is the moment that, I don't know, I haven't really had any dramatic moments in my life.

• 28:16Mae Martin?

  I think I'm gonna say you've had the most dramatic moments in your life.

• 28:24Fortune Feimster?

  I haven't been on death's door seventeen times in the past month.

• 28:33Tig Notaro?

  Let's see, what? I don't know. I'm curious. Can you guys throw out a dramatic moment for me?

• 28:40Mae Martin?

  Our first episode of Handsome.

• 28:42Fortune Feimster?

  Probably one of the times you were in the hospital, right?

• 28:45Tig Notaro?

  Mm hmm.

• 28:46Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 28:47Fortune Feimster?

  Like something from your doc. And Stephanie's visiting.

• 28:52Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 28:53Fortune Feimster?

  And you don't know if you're gonna make it.

• 28:56Tig Notaro?

  Mm hmm, mm hmm.

• 28:58Fortune Feimster?

  And let's see what else. And also the water bill has to get paid.

• 29:03Mae Martin?

  I was thinking more about when your cat scratched you.

• 29:06Tig Notaro?

  Mm, yeah, that's really good. My dick, my cat did scratch my stomach.

• 29:11Mae Martin?

  And playing the cat is Judi Dench.

• 29:14Tig Notaro?

  Judi Dench plays the cat?

• 29:15Mae Martin?

  Because she, remember in Cats, they did that terrible makeup and stuff. And so Judi Dench as the cat.

• 29:21Tig Notaro?

  Okay. We have three cats. Who plays the other two?

• 29:26Mae Martin?

  Thomas and

• 29:27Tig Notaro?

  Thomas.

• 29:27Mae Martin?

  His wife.

• 29:29Tig Notaro?

  All right, Thomas is married.

• 29:31Fortune Feimster?

  Thomas Nora.

• 29:33Tig Notaro?

  Oh, I know what it is. It's when I, after I was, I I had a cyst burst on a, a blood vessel and I was bleeding internally.

• 29:45Fortune Feimster?

  Ooh.

• 29:46Tig Notaro?

  Right after I stepped, I was on, after I had cancer, I was on this medication that my body was really struggling with. I get offstage and my childhood friend that I had not seen since I was 18 shows up in Philadelphia with his wife and we say hello in the lobby by the merch booth because we were all gonna go, Stephanie happened to be with me. We were all four gonna go out for a drink and I'm like, I go

• 30:16Tig Notaro?

  and I, and, and I'm, I'm a bit of a germaphobe and Stephanie was like, I knew something was terrible, terribly wrong because I could see you that you were about to collapse and I could see you're looking around to see how gross the floor was before you went down.

• 30:31Fortune Feimster?

  Oh my God, that is unfortunate.

• 30:33Tig Notaro?

  I collapsed after truly saying hello to them.

• 30:38Fortune Feimster?

  Wow.

• 30:38Tig Notaro?

  I'm on the ground. This is hilarious. I'm on the ground and because I, it was on a blood vessel, I was like struggling to breathe immediately. I was like, oh, Jesus.

• 30:48Fortune Feimster?

  Jeez.

• 30:49Tig Notaro?

  And the, the security guard carries, he goes, tell Stephanie, pull the car around. The hospital's two blocks away. It'll be faster for you to drive her. He carries me out the front door of the theater and the audience is still leaving.

• 31:03Fortune Feimster?

  My God.

• 31:05Tig Notaro?

  And so

• 31:06Fortune Feimster?

  You've been carried out like a baby several times.

• 31:10Tig Notaro?

  He carries me out and puts me in the, in the, um, in the car.

• 31:15Fortune Feimster?

  You're like, thanks for coming, buy some merch.

• 31:18Tig Notaro?

  I could not breathe. I was like, and I was telling Stephanie, I said, if they can't, I said, if they can't see me immediately, just shoot me behind the barn. I was in so much pain. Yeah, I was like, just shoot me behind the barn. And, and so we get to the, the, a hospital and I went in for surgery. Um, stomach surgery to drain all the blood out of me. And they were like, this will just take max 30 minutes. I was in there for, because they thought it was just a minor. Issue.

• 31:50Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 31:50Tig Notaro?

  And I go in over three hours. Stephanie's sitting there waiting for me and he comes out.

• 31:57Mae Martin?

  Three hour surgery.

• 31:58Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, three hour surgery.

• 32:00Fortune Feimster?

  You've had so many ailments.

• 32:01Tig Notaro?

  And then I had to stay at the Philadelphia Airport Hotel to recover because I could not do anything.

• 32:10Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 32:10Tig Notaro?

  And I was in a diaper in front of, we weren't even engaged.

• 32:14Mae Martin?

  Oh my God, you weren't even engaged?

• 32:17Fortune Feimster?

  This scene should definitely be you in a diaper.

• 32:19Mae Martin?

  Yeah, Timothy's winning this Oscar.

• 32:21Tig Notaro?

  Yes, yes.

• 32:22Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, and your friend is played by Lynn Man- Lynn Miranda Manuel. Wait, Lynn Manuel Miranda?

• 32:29Mae Martin?

  Manuel Miranda, yeah.

• 32:30Tig Notaro?

  And also Stephanie slash Nicole Kidman is following me around because I had to walk slowly to regain my strength.

• 32:40Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 32:40Tig Notaro?

  Stephanie was following me around, videotaping me in my diaper.

• 32:44Mae Martin?

  Oh my God.

• 32:46Tig Notaro?

  And that's when I was like, she's the one for me. We were laughing so hard.

• 32:50Mae Martin?

  You gotta laugh.

• 32:50Fortune Feimster?

  Absolutely.

• 32:51Tig Notaro?

  Anyway, that's my scene.

• 32:52Fortune Feimster?

  That is an Oscar winning scene right there. You in a diaper.

• 32:55Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 32:56Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. And Nicole Kidman's filming Timothy Chalamet in a diaper.

• 33:01Tig Notaro?

  Crinkle, crinkle, crinkle, walking around in the door.

• 33:03Fortune Feimster?

  But she's like, but she's like on a ottoman, like, and the sun's like coming through the window onto her as she's like cutely recording.

• 33:13Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 33:14Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 33:14Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, you know what I mean?

• 33:15Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 33:16Fortune Feimster?

  And she's like, you look really great in that diaper. Tig.

• 33:23Tig Notaro?

  And the Oscar goes to?

• 33:26Mae Martin?

  Timothy Chalamet.

• 33:27Fortune Feimster?

  Everybody in this movie.

• 33:28Mae Martin?

  And he comes up.

• 33:29Tig Notaro?

  Tigothy.

• 33:30Mae Martin?

  Tigothy Chalamet. And he gets up to accept it and he's like, yo, I know this is not cool to say, but I tried really hard for this movie and I'm really, I did my best. You know, Tig's one of the greats and I wanted to be one of the greats too. Hey, that was pretty good, Timothy, right? That's how he talks.

• 33:44Fortune Feimster?

  Really good. Yeah.

• 33:45Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 33:46Fortune Feimster?

  That was very good.

• 33:47Tig Notaro?

  And the Oscar goes to Mae Martin.

• 33:49Mae Martin?

  As Tigothy.

• 33:50Tig Notaro?

  Playing Tigothy Chalamet.

• 33:58Tig Notaro?

  All right, let's hear yours. That's hard to, hard to follow.

• 34:01Mae Martin?

  Very hard to top. Yeah, mine won't be that good. I already know I'm gonna bomb.

• 34:05Tig Notaro?

  You can just throw a diaper on yourself in any scene.

• 34:08Mae Martin?

  Oh, that's true, actually.

• 34:09Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah. So whatever scene you tell us, we're gonna throw a diaper on you. Go on.

• 34:13Mae Martin?

  Okay, well, that kind of works. It's very funny with what I was thinking, which is, okay, so Macaulay Culkin now is playing, is playing me.

• 34:21Tig Notaro?

  Obviously.

• 34:22Mae Martin?

  Cause he's got this kind of like boyish energy, but also he's seen a lot, you know? It looks like he's been through a lot. And uh,

• 34:30Tig Notaro?

  Is that how you see yourself?

• 34:32Mae Martin?

  That's how I feel.

• 34:34Tig Notaro?

  Okay, cause you don't have a look of like, wow, May has seen a lot. I know you've seen a lot.

• 34:39Mae Martin?

  I don't look haunted?

• 34:40Tig Notaro?

  But maybe if we threw a diaper on you.

• 34:43Mae Martin?

  Exactly.

• 34:44Fortune Feimster?

  I just went to an Oscar party.

• 34:46Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 34:46Fortune Feimster?

  And he was there and I walked out uh with him. Uh, we walked out at the same time he and his wife are walking out and he seemed very fun and playful, so it's a good match.

• 34:56Tig Notaro?

  Okay.

• 34:57Mae Martin?

  I love that.

• 34:57Tig Notaro?

  If anybody knows Macaulay Culkin.

• 35:00Mae Martin?

  Okay, and the scene is obviously an orgy and this is how the movie opens. The movie opens with an orgy. I'm, it's Macaulay Culkin as me in a diaper. And the camera pans in and then it freezes mid orgy and then voiceover comes in. I know what you're thinking. This seems kinda crazy or something like that. I'll write it better.

• 35:23Tig Notaro?

  Are you gonna do the voiceover? Like a Ferris Bueller type?

• 35:26Mae Martin?

  Yes.

• 35:26Tig Notaro?

  And you have to do, you have to do a voiceover where you didn't write it. You're just kind of free.

• 35:32Mae Martin?

  Improvising it, yeah.

• 35:33Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, improvising the, the voiceover. Go on.

• 35:36Mae Martin?

  Hey guys, this is the start of my movie. Looking at me now, you're probably thinking, wow, what a life. An orgy in a diaper? But what you don't know is I'm dead inside.

• 35:45Tig Notaro?

  Whoa.

• 35:45Mae Martin?

  And then it zooms in on my eyeball and then it goes right back to my birth and I come out of the, I come out of my mom's scooter. And then the, the doctor takes me and then it freezes again and it zooms in on the baby's face and the baby's voice goes, I kind of have a crush on that doctor.

• 36:00Fortune Feimster?

  Wow.

• 36:01Tig Notaro?

  May, I have good and bad news for you.

• 36:05Mae Martin?

  Okay, yeah, yeah.

• 36:06Tig Notaro?

  I think this is more of a glad award.

• 36:08Mae Martin?

  Oh, yeah.

• 36:09Tig Notaro?

  Oh, no. I do.

• 36:11Mae Martin?

  What, you don't think it lives up to mainstream?

• 36:14Tig Notaro?

  I don't know if it's gonna take home the Oscar.

• 36:16Fortune Feimster?

  Maybe we can shift it into an Oscar performance.

• 36:21Mae Martin?

  Yeah, how?

• 36:22Fortune Feimster?

  Someone dies at the party.

• 36:25Tig Notaro?

  And it's May.

• 36:26Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, it's your best friend.

• 36:28Tig Notaro?

  May orgies to death.

• 36:29Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God. I just get stuck under a pile of people. Guys, let me out. I can't breathe.

• 36:39Mae Martin?

  No, I think the drama, it's like, um, like that Kieran Culkin movie that won all the awards, which I haven't seen, but I think it's like a small relationship-y drama. Like, nothing big has to happen. I just, um, it's about, you know, my inner child and...

• 36:55Tig Notaro?

  Life in a diaper.

• 36:56Mae Martin?

  Life in a diaper.

• 36:57Tig Notaro?

  That's the name.

• 36:58Mae Martin?

  Life in a diaper.

• 37:00Fortune Feimster?

  If you want that Oscar, you gotta put that up.

• 37:04Mae Martin?

  But I did get, we should try and get a question from Macaulay Culkin, because I do, I feel like my gender is very identified with him. Ever since he was a child actor, I've been like, that guy.

• 37:15Fortune Feimster?

  Ever since he went, ahh!

• 37:17Mae Martin?

  Exactly.

• 37:19Tig Notaro?

  I have some news. I just saw that movie for the first time this last Christmas.

• 37:24Fortune Feimster?

  Home Alone?

• 37:25Tig Notaro?

  Yes.

• 37:25Mae Martin?

  What are you talking about?

• 37:26Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my gosh. I had never seen it.

• 37:29Mae Martin?

  Are you serious?

• 37:31Tig Notaro?

  Do I have to explain? I don't watch a lot of things.

• 37:34Mae Martin?

  What'd you think?

• 37:36Tig Notaro?

  I thought it was great, but I think that I was much older when that came out. I wasn't, you know what I mean? Like, I, I just missed it. And I was like, okay. And then my kids are obsessed with that movie. And this Christmas, I sat and watched it with them. And I was like, all right, yeah, you win. It's a great movie.

• 37:55Mae Martin?

  I rewatched it this year as well, around Christmas. And I was like, oh, I forgot how crazy violent it is, but in like a Looney Tunes way, like, yeah, I love it.

• 38:05Tig Notaro?

  And aren't there like 17 sequels?

• 38:08Mae Martin?

  Yes, there are. Yeah, Home Alone 2 is amazing with Tim Curry. And the pigeon lady and then they switched kids and it got a little.

• 38:15Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, I didn't know that.

• 38:17Mae Martin?

  Crazy.

• 38:18Fortune Feimster?

  Huh.

• 38:18Tig Notaro?

  All right, Fortune, break our hearts.

• 38:20Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 38:21Fortune Feimster?

  Well, obviously, I'm gonna be played by Charlize Theron.

• 38:26Tig Notaro?

  Yes.

• 38:27Mae Martin?

  Obviously, we knew.

• 38:28Fortune Feimster?

  Not the, not monster Charlize Theron. Let's

• 38:32Mae Martin?

  No.

• 38:32Fortune Feimster?

  calm down, everyone.

• 38:34Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 38:34Fortune Feimster?

  And, and not buzz cut Charlize. We're talking

• 38:37Tig Notaro?

  We know exactly the glamorous.

• 38:39Fortune Feimster?

  We're talking Cider House Rules Charlize.

• 38:42Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 38:43Fortune Feimster?

  Curly hair.

• 38:44Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 38:45Fortune Feimster?

  Right?

• 38:45Mae Martin?

  Gorgeous. Definitely gorgeous.

• 38:47Tig Notaro?

  And wait, that's the end of the movie?

• 38:49Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, she's just gorgeous.

• 38:50Mae Martin?

  She's just gorgeous.

• 38:52Tig Notaro?

  For an hour and a half?

• 38:53Fortune Feimster?

  She's gorgeous? It's probably an old timey movie.

• 38:56Tig Notaro?

  Mm hmm.

• 38:57Fortune Feimster?

  Cause she does period pieces, like, um, like, kind of that same era of Cider House Rules, like.

• 39:02Mae Martin?

  But it's your life story, Fortune.

• 39:04Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, but it's, we're gonna pretend that like I

• 39:07Tig Notaro?

  That's a time period, the eighties?

• 39:09Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. No, it's gotta be like the sixties and I, I'm a closeted lesbian.

• 39:15Tig Notaro?

  Wait, but this is your life. This is your biopic.

• 39:18Mae Martin?

  This is like in your family tree. We're going to, it's like the prequel.

• 39:21Tig Notaro?

  We see Ginger in the sixties.

• 39:23Fortune Feimster?

  It's actually my grandmother.

• 39:25Tig Notaro?

  Ah, yes.

• 39:26Mae Martin?

  Whoa.

• 39:26Fortune Feimster?

  But, but she's young at this point.

• 39:29Mae Martin?

  And gorgeous.

• 39:31Fortune Feimster?

  And gorgeous. I don't actually come into the movie till the very end when I'm born. Um.

• 39:37Mae Martin?

  And you come out two stepping.

• 39:38Fortune Feimster?

  No, the movie's about my grandma. Um.

• 39:43Fortune Feimster?

  And, uh, yeah, Charlize is, is like, um, trying to fit in, you know, to be the, uh, feminine woman looking for a husband.

• 39:52Tig Notaro?

  Get in line.

• 39:54Mae Martin?

  And so we're saying your grandma was closeted.

• 39:56Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, why not? Let's say it.

• 39:59Tig Notaro?

  Dyke a doodle doo.

• 40:00Mae Martin?

  Heard it here.

• 40:01Fortune Feimster?

  I don't know that she was, but she was really close with one of her friends. You never know.

• 40:05Tig Notaro?

  Were they quote unquote, travel companions?

• 40:08Fortune Feimster?

  Um, they did hang out a lot and, and my grandma's husband died when she was like forty eight or something and she never remarried.

• 40:15Tig Notaro?

  Okay, but you do know the, the phrase travel companions?

• 40:20Mae Martin?

  Yes.

• 40:21Tig Notaro?

  Oh, that's like

• 40:22Mae Martin?

  That's what they called.

• 40:23Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, top secret lesbians.

• 40:25Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, I don't think she actually

• 40:26Tig Notaro?

  This is my travel companion.

• 40:28Fortune Feimster?

  I don't think she actually ever did anything, but I could see a world in which. She could have been, maybe. I don't know.

• 40:36Tig Notaro?

  But when's the diaper? When does the diaper? Oh, because you're born and then you're putting a diaper?

• 40:40Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. There you go.

• 40:41Fortune Feimster?

  But, but, but basically Charlize is engaged to a man and then meets a, a woman and starts wearing pants and drives the convertible.

• 40:56Tig Notaro?

  Starts wearing pants?

• 40:58Fortune Feimster?

  In the sixties or fifties, maybe it was the fifties. That was a big deal. They have a love affair, kind of like Carol.

• 41:05Mae Martin?

  I'm picturing Carol.

• 41:06Tig Notaro?

  Kind of like Carol.

• 41:08Fortune Feimster?

  But it can't work because I have to be born. You know what I mean? So the only way for that to happen is for her to be with the man. And so the irony is that she had to give up her great love in order to keep the family line going. For me to, her gay granddaughter to be born.

• 41:30Mae Martin?

  I've never seen this.

• 41:31Tig Notaro?

  Give me the Oscar. Where is the diaper at the end?

• 41:35Fortune Feimster?

  At the end when I'm born.

• 41:36Tig Notaro?

  Okay.

• 41:37Fortune Feimster?

  And then, and then, oh, wait, that, my mom has to be born first.

• 41:40Mae Martin?

  Oh, boy. But can, can she name her baby after her lover that she couldn't have?

• 41:47Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, exactly, May.

• 41:49Tig Notaro?

  I'm so taking this Oscar home.

• 41:51Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. I don't know. Mine's pretty compelling because then, then, then the grandma's like, once, once I get older and I'm in Umbros and, and riding my bike, she's, Charlize is like, I did this all for you so you could be who you are.

• 42:07Tig Notaro?

  So you can walk around in your Umbros.

• 42:10Fortune Feimster?

  Speech that's gonna come with this monologue that Charlize has.

• 42:14Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 42:15Fortune Feimster?

  It's gonna blow your mind. And then she's gonna die at some point and, and have a life unfulfilled.

• 42:24Tig Notaro?

  May.

• 42:24Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, because you're gonna aid Charlize.

• 42:26Tig Notaro?

  I'm kind of not following this story anymore.

• 42:28Fortune Feimster?

  But it's worth, but it's worth it because I was born.

• 42:31Tig Notaro?

  Thank you for your pitch. We will be in touch if we decide to move forward.

• 42:36Fortune Feimster?

  Don't be a hater because I'm winning this Oscar because of the monologue I write Charlize.

• 42:40Tig Notaro?

  What if all three of us are up for the Oscar at the same time? Our biopics are all.

• 42:45Fortune Feimster?

  Wow. Well, we are gonna also be hosting the, the Oscars.

• 42:49Tig Notaro?

  Oh, yeah.

• 42:50Mae Martin?

  We're hosting and nominated.

• 42:52Fortune Feimster?

  Hosting and nominated and tap dancing.

• 42:55Tig Notaro?

  And I'll be like, oh, click, tick, click my back.

• 42:58Mae Martin?

  Did I tell you guys?

• 42:59Fortune Feimster?

  I think my movie's actually pretty good. I want to get it made.

• 43:02Tig Notaro?

  Mm hmm.

• 43:02Mae Martin?

  Did I tell you guys this? When you said about tap dancing, that Fred Astaire, when he did Singing in the Rain, when they filmed that, he had a fever of 103 degrees.

• 43:10Tig Notaro?

  Oh.

• 43:11Mae Martin?

  I never knew that.

• 43:12Fortune Feimster?

  That's impressive.

• 43:13Tig Notaro?

  May fact.

• 43:14Fortune Feimster?

  That's why they call it a fever dream.

• 43:18Mae Martin?

  Sure.

• 43:18Tig Notaro?

  Is it?

• 43:22Tig Notaro?

  Um, should we listen to, um, old, uh,

• 43:26Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 43:26Tig Notaro?

  Lisa Gilroy's answer?

• 43:28Mae Martin?

  Yeah, let's hear what she has to say.

• 43:30Speaker 00

  Okay, here's my answer. I think Chloe Grace Moretz is playing me, if I'm lucky, if I'm lucky. And the scene is absolutely me, just like, right after I found out I didn't make my college improv team, like, sobbing in my sister's car. Like, this is it for me. I'm never gonna zip zap zop again.

• 43:46Tig Notaro?

  Zip zap zop.

• 43:49Mae Martin?

  That's the cla- the traumatic climax of Lisa's life thus far.

• 43:54Tig Notaro?

  Where is the diaper?

• 43:57Mae Martin?

  Diaper.

• 43:57Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, again, she's not gonna win an Oscar for that, but.

• 44:00Mae Martin?

  Cause there's no diaper, but.

• 44:02Tig Notaro?

  And she's not gonna win a GLAD award either.

• 44:04Fortune Feimster?

  Cause she won an Independent Spirit Award, maybe.

• 44:07Tig Notaro?

  No.

• 44:07Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 44:08Tig Notaro?

  No, she's not. Cause she can't zip zap zop again?

• 44:12Mae Martin?

  I mean, Chloe's pretty great as an actress.

• 44:15Tig Notaro?

  Chloe's amazing, and we should get her on this podcast.

• 44:19Mae Martin?

  She is. Got a wife, I think.

• 44:21Fortune Feimster?

  How come all the lesbians haven't been on our, um,

• 44:25Mae Martin?

  I know, did they not get the memo?

• 44:26Tig Notaro?

  Cause we're homophobic.

• 44:28Mae Martin?

  Yeah, right. I forgot that we made the rule that no lesbians allowed.

• 44:32Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 44:34Tig Notaro?

  And I love that Fortune genuinely is like, no, we're not.

• 44:40Tig Notaro?

  Tig, we're crazy.

• 44:42Mae Martin?

  Tig, we're not homophobic. We found out that Thomas is really homophobic and he's just been filtering out all the queer.

• 44:50Fortune Feimster?

  There's not one mention of us being gay ever.

• 44:53Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's dubbed over every time we mention, your wife.

• 44:57Fortune Feimster?

  He's like, husband. Dub's over. Every time I say cooter, it says weener.

• 45:03Tig Notaro?

  Diaper.

• 45:04Fortune Feimster?

  Love weeners.

• 45:06Mae Martin?

  Well, I loved hearing that. I want to see all those movies.

• 45:10Fortune Feimster?

  I'm really pumped about my movie. I can't wait for Charlize to play my grandma.

• 45:14Mae Martin?

  I know.

• 45:15Tig Notaro?

  By the way, guys, congrats ahead of time on these Oscar nominations.

• 45:20Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 45:21Fortune Feimster?

  Do you think, do you think we'll get one of those fancy gift bags with the free trips?

• 45:26Mae Martin?

  Is that what they, they have free trips in the?

• 45:28Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, those gift bags, if you get nominated, you get like all this stuff.

• 45:32Mae Martin?

  Okay.

• 45:32Tig Notaro?

  Well, when I was nominated for a Grammy.

• 45:36Fortune Feimster?

  Now I'm motivated.

• 45:39Tig Notaro?

  When I was nominated for a Grammy.

• 45:41Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 45:42Tig Notaro?

  Well, I got a whole package, but I got tickets to see the Jackson four.

• 45:48Mae Martin?

  Oh.

• 45:49Fortune Feimster?

  They really were calling themselves the Jackson four.

• 45:50Tig Notaro?

  No, they're just the Jacksons, but.

• 45:53Mae Martin?

  And they put that in the Grammy gift thing?

• 45:56Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, and it was, it was in Vegas and, um, you know, look, I really enjoyed the Jackson five. But the Jacksons, you know, you just kind of feel like something's missing.

• 46:09Mae Martin?

  Yeah, and like you've got this, their whole story of their lives in your head.

• 46:13Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 46:14Mae Martin?

  And your cyst burst inside halfway through.

• 46:18Tig Notaro?

  No, I actually wasn't bleeding that time. I was just out having, um, Stephanie and I had a fun Vegas weekend.

• 46:25Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, you went?

• 46:26Tig Notaro?

  And we did go and we went and saw the Jacksons.

• 46:29Fortune Feimster?

  Amazing.

• 46:30Tig Notaro?

  Yes, but it, it just was a feeling of something is missing.

• 46:34Mae Martin?

  Right.

• 46:35Tig Notaro?

  But anyway, talented guys.

• 46:38Mae Martin?

  Yeah, no doubt, no question.

• 46:40Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my gosh, when they were, their flair as kids, their, their style, their everything was so off the charts. It's insane, but we all know that. Anyway, moving on, I want to say that was a very fun episode and, um, please.

• 46:57Mae Martin?

  Thanks for saying so.

• 46:58Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, absolutely. And, um.

• 47:01Fortune Feimster?

  Hey Tig.

• 47:04Tig Notaro?

  Why'd you just blow me a kiss for?

• 47:09Fortune Feimster?

  One finger kiss.

• 47:13Mae Martin?

  Is that one for me?

• 47:14Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, that's for you.

• 47:15Tig Notaro?

  Wait, why? I was about to go into promoting things and why are you blowing kisses? You seem high.

• 47:21Fortune Feimster?

  This is me from the Oscar podium.

• 47:25Tig Notaro?

  Wait, are you drunk again, Fortune? Fortune, you seem like maybe you got a hold of pina coladas again.

• 47:32Fortune Feimster?

  That was fun. I think I actually do want to do another episode where I drink something.

• 47:37Tig Notaro?

  I think we all should. Well, here's what I think should happen is I think we should go, put this on the list, Thomas, on a tropical vacation together.

• 47:46Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, my God.

• 47:48Tig Notaro?

  And sit. Oh, wait, and all three of you in bikinis.

• 47:51Fortune Feimster?

  Oh.

• 47:52Tig Notaro?

  Sitting. Come on, babe.

• 47:57Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God.

• 47:58Tig Notaro?

  Okay, we would have bikini bottoms. We have bikini bottoms.

• 48:02Fortune Feimster?

  What if we had?

• 48:03Tig Notaro?

  Fortune's got the jugs, so Fortune has to wear bikini tops.

• 48:09Fortune Feimster?

  I've got the jugs. What if we had a handsome cruise?

• 48:13Mae Martin?

  Oh, that we should talk about.

• 48:15Fortune Feimster?

  With the Indigo Girls.

• 48:17Tig Notaro?

  And Melissa Etheridge. Of the gayest cruise ever. I would love it. Okay, but wait, we have to go back and really acknowledge how funny it is that Fortune has the jugs of the trio. Oh, my gosh. I cannot even explain what Fortune just did with her jugs.

• 48:42Fortune Feimster?

  I don't think I've ever done that in my whole life.

• 48:44Tig Notaro?

  I hope that it never happens again.

• 48:47Mae Martin?

  I hope it happens every time.

• 48:49Tig Notaro?

  That was something.

• 48:51Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, my God.

• 48:52Tig Notaro?

  All right, so listen, what I was gonna say before Fortune got trashed and started blowing kisses and manhandling her jugs.

• 49:01Fortune Feimster?

  That's what I do when I win the Oscar, one finger kiss. To both of you.

• 49:08Tig Notaro?

  Okay.

• 49:09Fortune Feimster?

  To the loser nominees.

• 49:10Tig Notaro?

  Get your tickets to our live stream on April 12. Okay, Austin is going to be the show that has the surprise for Fortune and May. I am presenting a surprise to them. So you for sure don't want to miss this live stream. April 12th, get your tickets. And I promise you, this surprise is going to be off the chart.

• 49:35Fortune Feimster?

  Oh my god.

• 49:37Tig Notaro?

  And you can watch from anywhere in the world and the link lasts for one week. So go to our social media pages or dynastypewriter.com and join us. It's going to be a party.

• 49:51Fortune Feimster?

  My tour is starting April 4th, a whole new hour show I'm doing. I started in Savannah, Georgia, then Charleston, South Carolina, Albuquerque, Rockford, Illinois, Cleveland, Columbus, Greensboro, North Carolina, Roanoke, Baltimore, Pittsburgh, Grand Rapids, Minneapolis, St. Louis, Kansas City. So many places.

• 50:13Tig Notaro?

  I'm going to be in Eureka Springs, Arkansas, June 14th. And then you can also find me, well, I'll be in P-Town, August 23rd. And then my, the documentary that I produced, Come See Me in the Good Light, which won Sundance and then now just won the Boulder International Film Festival as well. As the top favorite film of both of these festivals. It's insane. This movie is going to very select festivals, but you should for sure check this movie out. It is so absolutely beautiful.

• 50:53Tig Notaro?

  Also check tignotaro.com for local shows in LA or maybe even Toronto when I go back. I'll be working out my new stuff and that's what's going on with me.

• 51:05Fortune Feimster?

  I am at Largo, April 25th in LA. And Ben popping up. Check, check my social media and then also check out Maymart.

• 51:16Mae Martin?

  MartinMusic.com and stream my album, please. My earnest, serious music album on Spotify or Apple Music. It's really exciting. Then people are sharing it.

• 51:26Tig Notaro?

  That's great.

• 51:27Fortune Feimster?

  Love it.

• 51:28Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. And definitely share episodes with friends. And look, I know we talk about this, but really stop what you're doing right now and subscribe. Hit subscribe. Subscribe to us. Also subscribe to YouTube so you can see Fortune manhandling her own knockers.

• 51:47Fortune Feimster?

  Knockers. I don't even know her.

• 51:49Tig Notaro?

  And until next time.

• 51:51Fortune Feimster?

  Keep it handsome.

• 51:54Mae Martin?

  Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willett. Email us at [email protected] and please follow us on social media at HandsomePod.

• 52:09Tig Notaro?

  What a podcast.

• 52:15Speaker 04

  That was a HeadGum Podcast.

• 52:18Mae Martin?

  Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking that my outfit matches the vibe of the evening before heading out the door, I regret everything. The night called for a black t-shirt, but I wore a white one instead, and now everything's out of alignment.

• 52:31Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, checking versus handsome. So check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate, North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 52:46Speaker 05

  What's going on? It's Lamorne Morris.

• 52:48Speaker 06

  And Hannah Simone.

• 52:50Speaker 05

  And we host The Mess Around, a New Girl rewatch podcast on HeadGum. Now, here's the thing. Every single week, we chat about an episode of New Girl, and we really get into it. Like, we get up in there. We get up in there. You know, we reminisce about our times on set. We share behind the scenes tea. We react to rewatching episodes that we haven't seen in years. We talk about how Jake Johnson is dog.

• 53:11Speaker 06

  That's not true. We talk about so many memories we have of working with the biggest stars on the planet. I'm talking Prince, Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodrigo.

• 53:24Speaker 05

  We're just two BFFs having a good old time, okay? Sometimes we even talk to other co-stars like Zooey Deschanel, Jake Johnson, Max Greenfield, and Damon Wayans Jr., and your dad. We talk to your dad on this show as well.

• 53:35Speaker 06

  Make sure you subscribe to The Mess Around wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every single Tuesday.