Ep 636 - Mr. Chili's (feat. Sam Tallent)

Support the D. A. W. G. Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod READ 'BRUT' a New Novel by Sam Tallent Available September 22nd Support Chubby Behemoth @ https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Sam Live @ http://samtallent.com/ Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See Lemaire Lee Live @ https://lemairelee.fun/ hello. We got the D. A. W. G. Sammy T on the cast for you this week. Check out his new book coming soon!!!! A lot of Chili's talk this week. I just love it so much. The food - the atmosphere - the memories. Man I just really love Chili's. Anyways, please enjoy. Read Sam's new book. God Bless. Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/DRENCHED and use code DRENCHED and get $150 if you win your first $5 lineup! Use code DRENCHED at https://BlueChew.com to get 10% OFF + Free Overnight Shipping on your first order Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Thankfully, I found the Idiot Brothers this morning.

• 0:03Matt McCusker?

  Dude, those guys are nice.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  They were.

• 0:06Matt McCusker?

  Who, why would they agree to do that interview?

• 0:09Speaker 00

  They love.

• 0:10Matt McCusker?

  They think it's cool?

• 0:11Speaker 00

  This will be sick, 60 Minutes.

• 0:13Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I didn't, I didn't, like, I mean, this is kind of, I guess I don't know much about it, but I didn't know, like, lobbying was like, there was the individual people pulling the strings. I just thought, I just imagined some, like, giant machine that was just like.

• 0:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, I don't know.

• 0:25Speaker 02

  No, like lobbyists are very good at face to face, like they're the ultimate, like, trickster swindlers. So they're like, they're the best guy at the bar. They're the best used car salesman that ever existed.

• 0:33Speaker 00

  How would you describe lobbyists?

• 0:34Speaker 02

  Huh? Swindlers.

• 0:35Speaker 00

  Trickster swindlers?

• 0:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm.

• 0:40Speaker 00

  You said it, brother.

• 0:42Speaker 02

  I'm not in, I'm not in the industry as deep. I don't know all the terms. Is that anti-Semitic somehow?

• 0:47Speaker 00

  Trickster swindlers?

• 0:48Matt McCusker?

  Lobbyists?

• 0:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 0:50Speaker 00

  I'm a globalist.

• 0:51Speaker 02

  Well, okay, all right.

• 0:53Matt McCusker?

  Globalist.

• 0:53Speaker 02

  Full Jones. Yeah, yeah.

• 0:55Matt McCusker?

  Well, for real, though.

• 0:56Speaker 02

  Have you read the articles of Zion? I'm sorry.

• 1:00Matt McCusker?

  I, I was watching it, just kind of like, I didn't know anything about lobbyists and I was like,

• 1:06Matt McCusker?

  all of them are Jewish, like, all of them are very Jewish. You would think, shame on the network. It's like, dude, do a little, just do a little name swapping.

• 1:13Speaker 00

  A couple of other guys.

• 1:14Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, one.

• 1:15Speaker 00

  There has to be a bunch of.

• 1:16Speaker 02

  Give me a Native American woman.

• 1:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:17Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, shame on 60, 60 Minutes was getting people fired up.

• 1:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, they were.

• 1:22Matt McCusker?

  It's pretty nuts. And I will say, again, it's like, I, I haven't seen, I didn't know there were still guys, like, the older guys maybe, but there's a young guy being like, hmm, yes, of course. I haven't seen, like, such a refined gentleman in so long.

• 1:35Speaker 00

  Yeah, he was pretty cool.

• 1:36Matt McCusker?

  Very refined, cool gentleman.

• 1:37Speaker 00

  I liked him.

• 1:38Speaker 02

  Was he rubbing his chin?

• 1:39Matt McCusker?

  Not even. He was just very.

• 1:41Speaker 00

  Holding frame and kind of dominating the 60 Minutes old woman.

• 1:44Matt McCusker?

  He was. And his, his, his countenance was crazy. I've been trying to work on my countenance. He had it. You could tell. It's been like,

• 1:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:52Matt McCusker?

  worked in him for a long time.

• 1:53Speaker 02

  What does that mean when you're working on your countenance? Like, you're trying to make your face harder?

• 1:56Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, very.

• 1:56Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 1:57Matt McCusker?

  Like, she, if, so if she said something that he disagreed with, he'd be like, and he would like, make this, like, very cool face. You'd instantly be like, yeah, dude, you're right, sorry.

• 2:04Speaker 00

  He's right.

• 2:05Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, people back in the day, countenance was a thing.

• 2:07Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 2:07Matt McCusker?

  Of course, swag, it was all countenance. You'd be like.

• 2:10Speaker 02

  Wrestling bitchface was encouraged in men for like 200 years, where it's just glower and like, look at your mule.

• 2:17Speaker 00

  I think what I liked about them was I was kind of, I was kind of staring at our own reflection.

• 2:22Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 2:23Speaker 00

  There was a man, there's a young man with such countenance and passion, and then there's just a hungover, clearly drunk guy that's like, yeah, I don't know what the fuck you want.

• 2:33Matt McCusker?

  Wasn't even trying to hide it. He was just leaning forward, like.

• 2:36Speaker 00

  Bloodshot eyes leaning forward.

• 2:38Matt McCusker?

  Ridiculous.

• 2:39Speaker 00

  Yeah, whatever. We don't, yeah.

• 2:41Matt McCusker?

  That was pretty awesome.

• 2:42Speaker 00

  Fucking Biden sucks.

• 2:46Matt McCusker?

  I couldn't agree more.

• 2:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:48Speaker 02

  I don't watch 60 Minutes. I missed out on this.

• 2:50Matt McCusker?

  I was, these two are really, they're a great couple.

• 2:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:54Matt McCusker?

  I just, I've been watching Suits. It kind of reminded me of, uh, the classic pair.

• 2:58Speaker 00

  It's a good pair.

• 2:59Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, you know what I'm talking about? You ever see Suits?

• 3:01Speaker 00

  No.

• 3:01Matt McCusker?

  It's all about high-power lawyers and it's all, it's pretty cool. It's like an old cheesy show, but.

• 3:05Speaker 02

  No joke, when you said classic pair, I thought Anna Nicole Smith. Classic pair boobs. That's where my head went when I heard that phrase.

• 3:12Matt McCusker?

  You're taking me, that's, that's like my prior, primordial fat material.

• 3:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 3:16Speaker 00

  Classic pair.

• 3:16Matt McCusker?

  Anna Nicole Smith?

• 3:17Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 3:18Matt McCusker?

  Come on, man.

• 3:19Speaker 02

  She was like, very beautiful, but also you're like, I think I could land her. Like, if she was at a Buffalo Wild Wings and so was I at midnight.

• 3:24Speaker 00

  Fucking a 95-year-old man.

• 3:26Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 3:26Speaker 02

  Yeah, but for the chichula.

• 3:27Speaker 00

  No, she just liked him.

• 3:29Speaker 02

  She's like old wrinkled balls. Yeah.

• 3:32Matt McCusker?

  Put your balls on my head, lady.

• 3:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 3:35Speaker 00

  I'll be a huckleberry.

• 3:36Speaker 02

  Hold my colostomy bag.

• 3:37Speaker 00

  I'm a huckleberry.

• 3:39Speaker 02

  Yeah, I thought that she got, I liked that she did that. And I liked, uh, pleasuring myself to her as a boy.

• 3:44Matt McCusker?

  Ooh. Yeah.

• 3:44Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 3:45Matt McCusker?

  You know, I just, I always hear about the Anna Nicole Smith type with that old man, but like, just now, as you said that, I, for whatever reason, imagined, it's like, it's such an old decrepit man ejaculating. I've never, it just, I was like, oh, man.

• 3:57Speaker 02

  You know, it's not dashing. Uh, it's like when you cut the corner off a bag of milk and it kind of spurts a little.

• 4:03Speaker 00

  And a naked 95-year-old man just lying there, he looked like an alien.

• 4:06Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 4:06Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 4:07Matt McCusker?

  It's like a skeleton coming.

• 4:08Speaker 00

  Autopsy tape.

• 4:09Speaker 02

  His nurse probably has to place him on top of her and like, help thrust.

• 4:13Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, big Jamaican lady just, come on now.

• 4:15Speaker 02

  Come on, you got this.

• 4:16Speaker 00

  Like a Halloween decoration.

• 4:23Speaker 02

  Lady of the Dollar General.

• 4:24Matt McCusker?

  The fall asleep, it must be, you must be, as you're coming, you're falling asleep too. So you probably, like, lose consciousness as you, I would imagine.

• 4:31Speaker 02

  I bet it wakes him up. I bet the coming, like, brings him back to life.

• 4:34Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 4:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, probably.

• 4:35Speaker 00

  I completely agree with that.

• 4:36Matt McCusker?

  Straight to nap. I think he's going.

• 4:38Speaker 00

  I think he's out for three or four days.

• 4:40Speaker 02

  Kind of like rocking a baby.

• 4:42Speaker 00

  I think a.

• 4:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 4:43Speaker 00

  95-year-old man getting an Anna Nicole Smith suck. That's putting him down for a week.

• 4:49Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, he's done.

• 4:50Speaker 02

  He's in the crib for five days.

• 4:51Speaker 00

  He probably kept him alive.

• 4:52Speaker 02

  Probably. Reverse vampirism. She sucked life into him.

• 4:58Matt McCusker?

  As soon as he probably starts, he's like.

• 5:01Matt McCusker?

  And then it's just like, yeah, it's like a, uh.

• 5:03Speaker 02

  Anna, I can't wait to have sex with you tonight. This is gonna be huge, okay? I'll see you in. Haitian woman picks him up, gets him hard.

• 5:11Matt McCusker?

  She got, she got paid out of that, didn't she? Or whatever happened to her? She got paid big time?

• 5:14Speaker 00

  She passed away.

• 5:15Matt McCusker?

  She died, I remember. Overdose or?

• 5:17Speaker 02

  It was like the, uh, I think it was the over-the-counter speed pills that she was selling. It was called like Zenadine or whatever.

• 5:24Matt McCusker?

  Oh, yeah.

• 5:24Speaker 02

  Remember those? It was like Hydroxycut. And I remember after she died, my Trim Spa, yeah, the connoisseur, La Mer. Uh, my band was on the road and after she died, they couldn't get rid of Trim Spa? Like, it was automatically like, oh, this killed Anna Nicole Smith. So at Walgreens, they had like 10 bottles of Trim Spa for like $10? And me and my buddy just ate Trim Spa and played our punk rock songs like even faster and faster.

• 5:47Matt McCusker?

  Those things fuck you up, like the stackers and, uh, well, no, they're called the Yellow Jackets at the gas station.

• 5:51Speaker 02

  They're just truck stop speed.

• 5:52Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. And my friend used to crush them up and snort them.

• 5:54Speaker 02

  White Crosses?

• 5:55Matt McCusker?

  It was just like, yeah, it was just like, Jesus, man.

• 5:57Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 5:58Speaker 00

  I was always a sissy.

• 5:59Matt McCusker?

  Uh, me too, dude.

• 6:01Speaker 00

  I would never do that. I've never taken a gas station drug.

• 6:03Matt McCusker?

  Dude, I'm with you on that. I was, I was terrified. I'd watch him, like, hold on, I gotta get some B, whatever the fuck they were called. And he would munch them and snort them. I'm like, bro, we're going bowling.

• 6:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 6:13Matt McCusker?

  What the fuck are you doing?

• 6:13Speaker 02

  Playing laser tag.

• 6:16Speaker 00

  Sounds.

• 6:17Matt McCusker?

  I know. He did kick my ass, though. What the fuck?

• 6:20Speaker 00

  He was probably launching that fucking. 85 miles an hour.

• 6:25Speaker 02

  Holes in the lane.

• 6:26Speaker 00

  Oh, man.

• 6:27Speaker 02

  I took a lot of gas station drugs.

• 6:28Speaker 00

  Did you?

• 6:29Speaker 02

  For sure. Yeah.

• 6:30Matt McCusker?

  I'm terrified of them, yeah.

• 6:31Speaker 02

  I mean, back then, we didn't know. It was like, that's where you got your salvia, so of course you'll get some of the weird pills.

• 6:35Matt McCusker?

  That was the plug.

• 6:36Speaker 02

  Yeah. Ugh. Salvia out of a bong, maybe the worst thing.

• 6:40Matt McCusker?

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• 6:44Speaker 00

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• 6:50Matt McCusker?

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• 6:55Speaker 00

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• 7:01Matt McCusker?

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• 7:17Matt McCusker?

  Done.

• 7:17Speaker 00

  I'll tell you what, I had a nice, uh, Sunday watching some football over at Chili's.

• 7:21Matt McCusker?

  Did you really?

• 7:22Speaker 00

  It was a really nice experience.

• 7:24Matt McCusker?

  Back to the HQ.

• 7:25Speaker 00

  Back to the HQ. Sent a nice photo to the group text about Chili's. Sean Garnini said, I'm glad you guys discovered Chili's. I love it there.

• 7:33Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 7:34Speaker 00

  Pouting.

• 7:34Matt McCusker?

  Oh, he claimed Chili's father.

• 7:36Speaker 00

  He claimed Chili's father.

• 7:39Speaker 02

  I mean, what a crazy move.

• 7:41Speaker 00

  I haven't heard him say Chili's once. All of a sudden, I go, I like Chili's. He goes, yeah, I put you onto that. Crazy move.

• 7:47Speaker 02

  Only time he says Chili's is when he's cold and he needs his jacket.

• 7:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:51Speaker 03

  I think there's a big misunderstanding. I just love Chili's. That's all I was trying to say. How much I love Chi, I've spent all of my birthdays in Chili's. Until I was like 18 years old.

• 8:02Speaker 00

  What happened to Hooters?

• 8:03Speaker 03

  Hooters was Mother's Day.

• 8:05Speaker 00

  Mother's Day was Hooters.

• 8:06Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 8:06Speaker 00

  Yeah, was he your grandma?

• 8:08Speaker 03

  My, my grandma loves Hooters, so we would go there every Mother's Day. Um.

• 8:13Speaker 00

  It's awesome.

• 8:13Speaker 03

  And I love Chili's, so we would go there for my birthday every year and I'd, my parents would let me bring my friends.

• 8:18Matt McCusker?

  Was your grandmother like a lesbian lady?

• 8:21Speaker 03

  Well, I used to, yeah, I don't know. She says she just likes the wings, but she might like the thighs and the breasts.

• 8:27Speaker 02

  That's what every man has ever said.

• 8:29Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 8:29Matt McCusker?

  That's probably someone from the late hubby. She's probably like, these wings are really good.

• 8:34Speaker 03

  That's what I thought too. Yeah, my grandpa would hang out there a lot and then he would go, oh, the wings are fantastic. And then she kind of just bought it after a while.

• 8:41Speaker 00

  Did he pass away?

• 8:42Speaker 03

  He has passed away. Uh, yeah, she's still with us. She's 88 years old.

• 8:45Speaker 00

  And she, yeah. Yeah, that's a nice remembrance.

• 8:47Speaker 03

  Yeah, she.

• 8:48Speaker 00

  Being like, we used to go to Hooters together.

• 8:50Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 8:50Speaker 03

  I have photos with like my grandpa at Hooters and with the girls and stuff when I was like a child.

• 8:56Speaker 00

  I used to go to Hooters to watch WWF pay-per-views.

• 8:59Matt McCusker?

  Oh, that's nice.

• 9:00Speaker 00

  It was, it was awesome.

• 9:02Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I, I remember the, every time, this is probably the whole business model, but I remember going to high school and being like, there's a chance. There's a chance. She smiled. She smiled at me. I, I think I could.

• 9:12Speaker 00

  You're getting used to strip clubs.

• 9:13Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 9:14Speaker 00

  Free strip club.

• 9:15Speaker 02

  Dip in your toes.

• 9:15Speaker 00

  Oh, she loves me. She sat at the table for 10 seconds.

• 9:19Speaker 02

  Teaches you how to be horny in front of your friends.

• 9:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:21Speaker 02

  Play it cool, not frothing.

• 9:23Speaker 00

  Girl sits at the table, everybody stares into their Coca-Colas.

• 9:26Speaker 02

  Yeah, or up at the ceiling.

• 9:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:27Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. See a guy come out of the kitchen.

• 9:29Speaker 02

  Went to high school with Chatfield? That's great.

• 9:31Speaker 00

  Finally go, can you just get out of here? We're trying to watch The Undertaker. I'm sorry, come back. I shouldn't have done that.

• 9:38Matt McCusker?

  I used to get jealous of the guys who come out of the kitchen with like a bandana on and I'm like, it's probably their boyfriend, fuck.

• 9:42Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 9:42Speaker 00

  Definitely their boyfriend, dude. Fucking line cooks and hooters.

• 9:46Speaker 02

  He fucks them and sells them Xanax. It's the best job in the world.

• 9:49Matt McCusker?

  God, that guy's so fucking cool.

• 9:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, those guys are cool.

• 9:52Speaker 03

  You used to, one of your friends would try to eat the hottest wings to impress them.

• 9:56Speaker 02

  Have diarrhea?

• 9:57Speaker 03

  They were tough.

• 9:58Speaker 02

  Ugh, god, I used to get sick off of hot sauce constantly.

• 10:02Speaker 03

  I still do.

• 10:02Speaker 00

  But stealing Chili's Valley, really?

• 10:05Speaker 03

  I wasn't trying to steal valor, I do love Chili's.

• 10:07Speaker 00

  Glad you guys discovered it. Interesting turn of.

• 10:09Speaker 03

  I mean, I knew that was gonna kinda tick you off.

• 10:13Speaker 00

  It was really fun. And I had a good time. I won.

• 10:16Matt McCusker?

  And you were in Chili's?

• 10:18Speaker 00

  I won. By the end of the day, he was going, guys, can we just drop it?

• 10:21Matt McCusker?

  So you received a text in Chili's?

• 10:24Speaker 00

  No, I received the text the next day. I was in bed, it was a great start to the day. I said, oh, here we go.

• 10:29Speaker 02

  Yeah. You didn't need coffee.

• 10:31Speaker 00

  We got a fight. There were two fights simultaneously going in the group text. There was two other guys were fighting. It was good.

• 10:39Speaker 03

  I just love Chili's, man. That's all I wanted to say.

• 10:43Matt McCusker?

  When's the last time you went?

• 10:44Speaker 00

  It's been forever.

• 10:45Speaker 03

  A couple, maybe a couple of months ago now, but I order it on my phone a lot. I was saying that in the group text, I order Uber Eats Chili's and throw the garbage in the outside trash can so nobody knows that I ordered Uber Eats Chili's.

• 10:58Speaker 00

  You eat the Chili's in your garage?

• 11:00Speaker 03

  In my living room.

• 11:01Speaker 02

  While smoking?

• 11:02Speaker 03

  Well, no, I smoke after I eat the Chili's, but yeah.

• 11:05Speaker 02

  So you're ordering Chili's to your house and then lying about how much you love Chili's?

• 11:09Speaker 03

  Well, now I just realized that I said it on the podcast, so I can't lie about it anymore.

• 11:12Speaker 00

  Yeah. No, once I liked it, then he's Mr. Chili's.

• 11:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, became the coolest thing in the world.

• 11:17Speaker 00

  Once I go, guys, this is a great time, he goes, I actually, I've always been that.

• 11:21Speaker 03

  No, that's not true.

• 11:22Speaker 02

  That's me.

• 11:23Speaker 00

  So that's my thing that you are doing.

• 11:25Speaker 03

  I didn't mean to do that, I'm sorry that you took it that way.

• 11:28Speaker 00

  You certainly intended that.

• 11:30Speaker 03

  I didn't think, I didn't think it was gonna be.

• 11:32Matt McCusker?

  So there's a big text fight, that rage.

• 11:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, how many hours did that last after that initial text?

• 11:36Speaker 00

  Five hours at least.

• 11:39Speaker 00

  Like a five, six hour thing, I'd forget about it, then I'd go right back, I'd go, oh yeah, fuck you, Sean.

• 11:45Matt McCusker?

  And were there sides or was it just pretty much a bloodbath?

• 11:47Speaker 00

  Uh, it was just me and Sean going back and forth.

• 11:49Speaker 03

  Having a private conversation.

• 11:51Speaker 00

  Having a private, yeah.

• 11:55Speaker 00

  It was fun.

• 11:56Speaker 03

  It was fun, but um, yeah, sorry, I didn't mean to upset you.

• 11:59Speaker 00

  I accept your apology, I'm glad you apologized. She's a big man to apologize.

• 12:03Matt McCusker?

  Can we crown a Mr. Chili's?

• 12:05Speaker 00

  It's been crowned.

• 12:06Speaker 03

  I don't think it's a competition.

• 12:07Speaker 00

  My picture's on the wall at Chili's.

• 12:10Speaker 03

  Well, that was my, that's my argument.

• 12:12Matt McCusker?

  Probably is.

• 12:13Speaker 03

  I don't go there.

• 12:14Speaker 00

  Look at the merch, look at the, I got my, I drip my boys out. I put, La Mer's wearing a Chili's shirt right now. If I go to Chili's, everybody eats. My dad's getting a Chili's shirt.

• 12:24Speaker 02

  He's not ordering it alone and speeding it in his garage.

• 12:27Speaker 00

  I'm not ashamed of my Chili's.

• 12:28Speaker 03

  Well, this is my thing is like, I go to Chili's for the love of it, you're going to get your picture on the wall.

• 12:34Speaker 02

  Wow. Wow.

• 12:37Speaker 03

  I've been going since I was nine.

• 12:39Matt McCusker?

  You're saying you gotta eat a little Chili's just to feel normal?

• 12:42Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 12:42Speaker 02

  You love the dirt.

• 12:44Speaker 03

  Chili's is home, you know? It reminds me of my childhood.

• 12:47Speaker 00

  No, I.

• 12:48Speaker 03

  And I appreciate Shane doing a lot for the Chili's brand.

• 12:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:51Speaker 03

  Because I love Chili's.

• 12:53Matt McCusker?

  You're on the board.

• 12:53Speaker 03

  And like, I hope he could start to franchise them and then maybe I could get a little discount.

• 12:57Speaker 00

  You, I swear to god, I went in and I said, have you guys ever seen this man? I held him up. Sean, they said, we've never seen, he's never set foot in a Chili's.

• 13:07Speaker 02

  Is that young Orville Rettinbacher?

• 13:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, never.

• 13:10Matt McCusker?

  I'm gonna call the, I'm gonna call the owner and see if I can get like your debit card signature like the Charlie Kirk murder receipt.

• 13:19Matt McCusker?

  It was just the only thing I could like you to do.

• 13:21Speaker 00

  No, I'd love to get an ounce.

• 13:23Matt McCusker?

  Youtubers like, actually, I've examined the EBT signature, it is not Sean Gardini, I'll tell you why. It was not him.

• 13:28Speaker 02

  Also, Chili's does not take EBT, I looked into that as well.

• 13:30Matt McCusker?

  Or whatever it's called.

• 13:32Speaker 00

  Just an ounce of proof that he's ever even been to a Chili's.

• 13:35Speaker 03

  We've been Chili's together. Multiple times.

• 13:40Speaker 00

  Snakes. Take the shirt off. Take, take the Chili's, take my Chili's shirt off. Pop it off. And my shorts, there's my shorts.

• 13:49Speaker 02

  And give his phone back.

• 13:53Speaker 00

  Take off my clothes, that's. Nate, yeah, give me my hat. You turned on me. You turned on me. Sean, take off my shirt.

• 14:04Speaker 00

  Take, all three of you are wearing my clothing.

• 14:06Speaker 03

  You're all wearing your clothes.

• 14:07Speaker 00

  How dare you turn on me?

• 14:08Speaker 02

  Sean's punishment is you all have to be naked.

• 14:11Speaker 00

  Sean claimed Chili's, now you're all stripping.

• 14:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 14:16Matt McCusker?

  Oh my god.

• 14:17Speaker 02

  They're all wearing your clothes.

• 14:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, we are. I didn't realize that.

• 14:22Speaker 02

  Oh my god, not that means everybody eat, everyone gets dressed. You're like all of their Maslow's hierarchy of eats. You're at the peak of it.

• 14:30Speaker 00

  And they still lash out.

• 14:31Speaker 02

  I know. And they still say, I love Chili's more than you.

• 14:34Speaker 03

  No, you love Chili's more than me and I would love to go to Chili's with you.

• 14:39Matt McCusker?

  They're gonna cut your fucking head off.

• 14:40Speaker 00

  Good luck, dude, they're too sleepy, they'll never get me.

• 14:43Speaker 03

  I hope we can go to Chili's one day and.

• 14:46Speaker 00

  We will never go to Chili's together.

• 14:47Speaker 02

  Oh, wow.

• 14:48Speaker 00

  You and I will never be in a Chili's together, ever.

• 14:51Speaker 02

  The peasants are gonna rise up, man.

• 14:53Speaker 00

  I will literally get you, I'll, I'll say, this guy has been threatening me and threatening the Chili's. I'll get your, I'll get your picture on the wall.

• 15:00Speaker 02

  From corporate.

• 15:01Speaker 00

  And say, do not serve this man.

• 15:05Speaker 03

  Shane, please don't do that. I really do love Chili's.

• 15:09Matt McCusker?

  Shows up on his birthday, they're like, get the fuck out.

• 15:11Speaker 00

  Get out of here, you creep.

• 15:13Speaker 02

  They didn't shoot a gun in the air? You've got 10, you've got 10 seconds.

• 15:17Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 15:18Speaker 00

  This episode is presented by PrizePix. Football season is rolling and PrizePix is the best way to get locked in every game day. You can make all the picks you want across any sport on the same app. And now PrizePix is available nationwide. So who are you riding with this season, Matt? Who are you thinking about?

• 15:36Matt McCusker?

  I'm gonna go with my birds for sure.

• 15:37Speaker 00

  Matt, with football season underway, who's your pick for offensive rookie of the year?

• 15:41Matt McCusker?

  Hmm, offensive rookie, that is a, that's a tricky one.

• 15:45Speaker 00

  Who are you thinking?

• 15:45Speaker 03

  Shut up over there.

• 15:47Matt McCusker?

  Who am I thinking for rookie? And I know the Eagles got a guy, a big, dude, oh, Jeremiah Love for sure. I wanna see what Jeremiah Love's up to. That's my offensive rookie of the year. Thank you for watching.

• 16:03Speaker 00

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• 16:14Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, ready? Download the app today and use code DRENCH to get a hundred and fifty dollars instantly in lineups if you win your first five dollar lineup. That's code DRENCH to get a hundred and fifty dollars instantly in lineups if you win your first five dollar lineup. PrizePix, run your game.

• 16:29Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 16:29Matt McCusker?

  Thank you, man.

• 16:30Speaker 00

  You're a great reader. But yeah, it was nice to see the bros rolling into Chili's.

• 16:34Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 16:35Speaker 00

  The guy that rolled in on the scooter was tight.

• 16:39Speaker 02

  Was it La Mer?

• 16:40Speaker 00

  No, I mean, he did resemble, he had La Mer.

• 16:43Matt McCusker?

  He was, he was like a goth kinda psycho looking dude, he looked like he.

• 16:47Speaker 00

  He was a beast.

• 16:47Matt McCusker?

  He was a beast, but he did have like, you, you were watching him the whole time, his vibe was very.

• 16:52Speaker 00

  He was a future goth, he rode, we watched him, we watched him hit a scooter.

• 16:55Speaker 02

  He had robot legs.

• 16:57Matt McCusker?

  He had a murdered out scooter, all black.

• 16:58Speaker 00

  Fingerless gloves, sick ass helmet.

• 17:00Matt McCusker?

  Just watched Blade, he was hyped on, like three chains on.

• 17:03Speaker 00

  He had a satchel, fingerless gloves.

• 17:05Speaker 02

  Leather bracelets, probably.

• 17:06Matt McCusker?

  Did he walk the scooter like a gentleman inside?

• 17:09Speaker 00

  Folded it, put it inside the Chili's.

• 17:10Speaker 02

  They valet it for him.

• 17:15Matt McCusker?

  Was he an employee or is this a esteemed guest?

• 17:17Speaker 00

  He was an esteemed guest. There were several esteemed guests that did continuously hit that corner of the Chili's after he left a new esteemed, yeah.

• 17:24Matt McCusker?

  They would just grab a man you post up in the corner and just stand. He was just vamping, that's vamp, that's vamp.

• 17:29Speaker 00

  He vamped us.

• 17:30Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that's vamp life. Took his, he took his like all black helmet off, wafted his hair, but he just was like a little psycho, like it just was.

• 17:36Speaker 00

  He was great.

• 17:37Matt McCusker?

  He was just eh.

• 17:38Speaker 02

  I thought it was a mobility scooter, you're talking about like, okay, yeah, that makes more sense for a vampire.

• 17:44Matt McCusker?

  No.

• 17:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:47Speaker 02

  And did he hold it, like under his arm as he ate his?

• 17:49Speaker 00

  No, it was a big ass scooter.

• 17:51Speaker 02

  I meant the helmet, did he like brandish the helmet?

• 17:53Speaker 00

  I don't know where the helmet went.

• 17:54Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 17:55Matt McCusker?

  It went back to hell.

• 17:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:57Matt McCusker?

  I sent it into a portal back to hell.

• 17:58Speaker 02

  Turned into bats.

• 17:59Matt McCusker?

  I'm gonna GTA the helmet, like took it off, like put it in a pocket.

• 18:06Matt McCusker?

  I don't know what happened to it.

• 18:10Speaker 02

  I haven't been to a Chili's in a while.

• 18:13Speaker 02

  I think my wife's.

• 18:13Speaker 03

  You gotta go, man, it's.

• 18:14Speaker 02

  Thirty second birthday.

• 18:17Speaker 00

  You're gonna love it.

• 18:17Speaker 03

  The atmosphere, the food.

• 18:18Speaker 02

  I mean, I've done my time.

• 18:19Speaker 00

  You're gonna love it.

• 18:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 18:21Speaker 00

  I'm glad you're just discovering it now.

• 18:22Speaker 02

  I'm gonna ask for the, I'm gonna ask for the Shane special.

• 18:25Speaker 00

  Thank you. Nine hundred ounce Bud Light.

• 18:27Speaker 02

  Yes, yes. It's a fire hydrant full of beer.

• 18:30Speaker 00

  You want a small one or a big one? I go, come on, man.

• 18:31Matt McCusker?

  Come on, man.

• 18:32Speaker 00

  What do you think I'm here for?

• 18:33Matt McCusker?

  Come on.

• 18:33Speaker 02

  I wanna remember leaving, baby.

• 18:35Speaker 00

  Give me the big one.

• 18:35Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, me and Nate were flying somewhere and I was in desperate need of some food and Nate goes, dude, Chili's actually, Chili's not that bad.

• 18:41Speaker 00

  Chicago, O'Hare Chili's.

• 18:42Matt McCusker?

  Really? O'Hare, dude?

• 18:45Speaker 00

  Was that actually the one? O'Hare's Chili's?

• 18:47Matt McCusker?

  It was either there or Dallas. One or the other, however, I'll say O'Hare, I wanna, Frontera, Rick Bayless Frontera.

• 18:54Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 18:55Matt McCusker?

  That might be the best O'Hare restaurant, they make a tortilla soup.

• 18:58Speaker 02

  God, I love tortilla soup.

• 19:00Speaker 00

  Tortilla soup's really good.

• 19:01Matt McCusker?

  See, they drop the cheese in, it melts and it goes all to the bottom to finish your soup and you just pull out a glob of melted.

• 19:05Speaker 02

  And they had that at Applebee's.

• 19:07Matt McCusker?

  Oh, you know, you know.

• 19:09Speaker 00

  I'm glad you found out about it. Cause I, I go there every year for my birthday, I fly to O'Hare and I go there, I've never mentioned it once, I go there every year.

• 19:17Speaker 02

  But it's your whole thing.

• 19:18Speaker 00

  It's my entire thing, so I'm glad you and you found it.

• 19:22Matt McCusker?

  Actually, Uber Eats it all the time in my home.

• 19:24Speaker 00

  I Uber Eats it.

• 19:26Speaker 03

  Flight in private.

• 19:28Speaker 00

  And the tortilla soup is my favorite, so I'm glad you got to try it.

• 19:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 19:35Speaker 00

  Matt's on the wall in Chili's.

• 19:37Matt McCusker?

  Oh, yeah, I am. Made it.

• 19:39Speaker 02

  He ate the most T-shirts.

• 19:40Speaker 00

  God, dude, he's seated, dude. When he, when he found out we made the wall at Chili's, he was like, oh.

• 19:48Speaker 02

  Not true. It's just funny, the one time you show enthusiasm for anything, you get blasted for it. The one time you're like, I like that, everyone's like, fuck you. Buckle up for five hours.

• 19:58Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 19:59Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 20:00Matt McCusker?

  Tell you what, dude, I had a, uh, I've been, it's frog season right now. Big time, a lot of toads kicking around.

• 20:07Speaker 02

  You don't have to tell me.

• 20:07Matt McCusker?

  Every night. Every night outside my house. There, there were more, it's starting to dwindle off, but I let my dog out and she goes and hunts down toads. So I've been catching toads, bringing them in, and I'll show my kids them in the morning. They keep fucking escaping my cage, though. It's pissing me off.

• 20:23Speaker 02

  What? I'm glad you discovered catching toads.

• 20:25Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 20:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, we always catch toads.

• 20:27Speaker 02

  It's like my favorite thing. On my birthday?

• 20:29Speaker 00

  On my birthday, I catch toads.

• 20:30Matt McCusker?

  Bro, they pee in your hand every fucking time.

• 20:32Speaker 02

  Cause they're, they think that you're gonna crush them, yeah.

• 20:34Matt McCusker?

  Is that why they do that?

• 20:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a death release.

• 20:36Matt McCusker?

  Dang.

• 20:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's gross, dude. Yeah, anytime you pick up a fucking frog, you're just like, oh, why did I do that?

• 20:40Matt McCusker?

  And they pee, right, yeah, it's.

• 20:41Speaker 02

  What did I think I was gonna get out of it?

• 20:45Speaker 00

  They picked up a toad and then passed out on the hot tub.

• 20:49Matt McCusker?

  What hap?

• 20:49Speaker 02

  What?

• 20:54Matt McCusker?

  What happened?

• 20:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, that was when we were like playing pool basketball for like six days straight.

• 20:58Matt McCusker?

  And it was like a bunch of frogs I caught, which I never would do. I had this blacked out. I don't really.

• 21:03Speaker 00

  He was obliterated. I have a nice video of a very, very drunk lady like.

• 21:09Matt McCusker?

  And I remember peeing and thinking it like, I was like, I think the frog nutted. That's what I said. I just, it was a good night.

• 21:14Speaker 00

  Moments, moments later, he was asleep on the concrete.

• 21:18Matt McCusker?

  That was a picture. It stunned you with its venom.

• 21:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, the toad got you.

• 21:24Speaker 02

  That was the last time I got drunk, was here. And then as he passed out, I just went out there and did turn around fadeaways in the pool for like an hour and a half. And I came back at one point and I was like 20 in a row and no one gave a shit. Like, come on. 20 in a row. Yeah, man, fuck. I don't really enjoy touching animals. I like dogs. I'll touch a dog, love a dog, but man, like a bird? Someone has a bird in their house and they want it, like, hey, hold the bird. It's like, get the fuck away from it.

• 21:49Matt McCusker?

  I'm telling you, if you're out there with your dog, your dog's, it's dark, so you can't even see anything. So your dogs are, I'll keep my kids up and we'll go toad hunting at nighttime. It's the, when we catch them, they're like, ah, ah. And in the morning, they come down, like, you want to see it in the cage, and I'm like, fucking got away, the fucker's gone.

• 22:05Speaker 02

  How are they getting out?

• 22:06Matt McCusker?

  So I don't have, I have like an aquarium tank, but I don't have the mesh lid yet. It's coming in a couple of days.

• 22:11Speaker 00

  Is it in the garage or where?

• 22:12Matt McCusker?

  No, it's in my, it's like in my backyard. So I get in the backyard, I put dirt, and you gotta add a lot of humidity, so I put a bunch of water in there. And I was thinking they're like burrowing under the dirt, which apparently they will do. Dude, there, I, I have like this old garden fence that's like a, you know, like a grid. So the slats are like that big, a toad could escape, but I have three panels, so I lay them crisscross, so it's like a tiny little hole. I'm like, dude, these have to jump, grip, and do like a pull-up. There's no way both have gotten out.

• 22:38Speaker 02

  I mean, you're building them a prison, they're gonna be able to do pull-ups by the end.

• 22:41Matt McCusker?

  They're changing all night.

• 22:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, convert.

• 22:43Matt McCusker?

  But I got the, I got the, uh, magnetic strip kind of mesh thing coming this weekend. We're gonna keep that toad in there.

• 22:49Speaker 02

  You're growing battle toads now.

• 22:50Matt McCusker?

  I know. I'm getting them jacked. The last one I caught was a real, he was a real fucking firebrand.

• 22:55Speaker 02

  Like it's bigger than your hand or smaller?

• 22:57Matt McCusker?

  Uh, about the, literally hand size.

• 22:58Speaker 02

  Big, big.

• 22:59Matt McCusker?

  Just palm, palm of the hand.

• 23:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 23:01Matt McCusker?

  There was like the beginning of the season, there was like three or four a night. And I got kind of like cocky. Now I gotta really.

• 23:06Speaker 00

  I was really hoping this aquarium was inside your house.

• 23:08Matt McCusker?

  No.

• 23:09Speaker 00

  And you're continuously just releasing toads in your house.

• 23:12Matt McCusker?

  Well, I hear them. I hear them now.

• 23:14Speaker 00

  You're trying to sleep at night.

• 23:16Matt McCusker?

  Dude, they're loud as shit. I hear them. I hear them in my garden now. You'll hear that like chirping and I'm like, they're fucking out here.

• 23:21Speaker 00

  You gotta get them.

• 23:22Matt McCusker?

  I gotta find them, man. Toads, I got a lot of toads.

• 23:24Speaker 00

  You should take some gas station meth and fucking squish toads out in your garden.

• 23:29Speaker 02

  Go toad Rambo.

• 23:30Speaker 00

  Go insane.

• 23:31Matt McCusker?

  I wanna release them to the pond. That's where they're trying to get to. But yeah, I'll get one this weekend. I'll, I'll keep you up to date, but I'm gonna.

• 23:37Speaker 00

  I'd like some pics. I'd like to see some pics.

• 23:39Matt McCusker?

  I got some pics of Matilda chasing them. I got some videos.

• 23:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's good.

• 23:42Matt McCusker?

  It's dude, she's just walking all of a sudden, she turns and I'm like, get him, Tilly.

• 23:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:46Matt McCusker?

  She's fucking.

• 23:47Speaker 00

  She hasn't, she hasn't bit one yet.

• 23:49Matt McCusker?

  No, she'll just like put her face on them. She won't eat them.

• 23:51Speaker 00

  Kind of get afraid a little?

• 23:52Matt McCusker?

  Yep. She'll put them, jump back, then like chase it around. She's running down the street like three times now. I have to be like, yo, yo, chill, chill, chill.

• 23:58Speaker 02

  You raised her right.

• 23:59Matt McCusker?

  I did.

• 23:59Speaker 02

  She's just nosing the toes. She's not eating them.

• 24:01Speaker 00

  I've been training her with the shoes. I trained her properly.

• 24:04Matt McCusker?

  Oh, yeah. She, she bit someone else's shoe. She attacked someone's shoes recently.

• 24:09Speaker 00

  Oh, no.

• 24:10Matt McCusker?

  My, uh, my cousin had wheelies on. My little cousin just skated around on wheelies. Matilda was like. What the fuck are those?

• 24:17Speaker 02

  It was, it was a child cousin, right?

• 24:18Matt McCusker?

  Shane has big, yeah, little tiny child cousin. Shane had these like military boots when we were living together in Philly and he would, Matilda was like a puppy and he would go, ah. And she would like spaz. If she sees, sees work boots now, she tries to bite them.

• 24:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:32Matt McCusker?

  To this day, someone comes to my house to fix anything, I have to like lock her away cause she'll bite their shoes.

• 24:36Speaker 02

  Do you remember how much?

• 24:37Speaker 00

  That was a good day.

• 24:38Speaker 02

  Dude, remember how easy it was to have fun when you were fucking poor?

• 24:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:41Speaker 02

  You're just on a couch that isn't yours, fucking with some like second, like third-hand shoes.

• 24:46Speaker 00

  It was a folding chair in front of a TV.

• 24:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:51Speaker 00

  Your dog hates shoes. That's crazy.

• 24:54Speaker 02

  You're wiping with Chipotle napkins. Yeah, it was the best time.

• 24:58Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it was awesome. That was, it was funny too, cause like, I used to just put that dog in like my room and go do stand-up. I'm like, all right, be good. And she was, she was from the, always a good dog. She bit an HDMI, I had a 60-foot HDMI cord, she chewed it up one time. I remember I, I punished her. The last, I would say the last dog I spanked pretty hard. And, uh, and then I fucking, dude, I just ducked, I just taped the cord up, put it back in the box, returned it to Best Buy. And I was like, did that hit my car? And they're like, yeah. And they started pulling out of the box. It's like, later. It was like fucking $200. I was like, yeah, I'm not, I'm not taking a bath on this thing. I had to install the HDMI cord in Phil, in the helium Philadelphia. I put that in.

• 25:34Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 25:35Matt McCusker?

  Cause they only had one screen that would work. And I'm like, you guys need one more cord, you can have your both screens working. They're like, we'll see what they do. And I was like, you know what? Fuck this, cause we had a show. And I was like, I'm gonna buy a cord and install it.

• 25:45Speaker 02

  Was that digital graffiti?

• 25:47Matt McCusker?

  It was.

• 25:47Speaker 02

  God. I would hear, I would hear tales of that show. It would, it would like rumbles would, like Mecky Leaper came out one time and told me about this show in Philadelphia. And I was like, oh my god.

• 25:56Matt McCusker?

  It was, it was too powerful.

• 25:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:58Speaker 00

  It was too powerful. I don't know if we could do it now.

• 26:00Matt McCusker?

  I don't, I, it would be, especially filmed.

• 26:02Speaker 00

  I don't know if we're evil enough to do it.

• 26:03Matt McCusker?

  It's so evil.

• 26:04Speaker 02

  Isn't it just like I'm on stage and then a bunch of people are tweeting like he's gay and fat behind me?

• 26:08Matt McCusker?

  The meanest possible things they can think. And the crowd, the worst part of it is, is the crowd laughs uproariously in your face.

• 26:15Speaker 02

  And it's not things you say, right?

• 26:17Matt McCusker?

  And you don't know what they're saying. So you're going like, what are, so then your insecurities start kicking up, like what are they saying?

• 26:22Speaker 00

  They're saying my biggest insecurity.

• 26:24Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 26:24Speaker 02

  Doesn't like Chili's.

• 26:25Matt McCusker?

  Stand up. The audience does not give a fuck about what you're saying at all. They're just laughing at you in a bad way.

• 26:32Speaker 02

  It's kind, I mean, it sounds very freeing.

• 26:34Matt McCusker?

  So fun.

• 26:35Speaker 02

  Once the ego death takes over.

• 26:36Speaker 00

  It is an ego death.

• 26:37Speaker 02

  You ever been on stage and something happens in your chest and you're like, oh, I'm gonna die? And then you're like trying to do your dumb jokes and then while you're up there, you just accept that you're going to die on stage at the Milwaukee Improv?

• 26:46Matt McCusker?

  Dude, I for real have done this so many times.

• 26:48Speaker 02

  So many times.

• 26:49Matt McCusker?

  I'm ready to hit the eject button where I'm like, it wouldn't be that weird if I was like, hey, guys, I'm gonna have to take like 10 minutes to go sit down backstage. I'll be right back.

• 26:56Speaker 02

  No, no, I say let me go down up here. That'd be the best thing ever.

• 26:59Matt McCusker?

  That's the thing, I usually, I'll go, you know what? I'm just gonna ride this wicked energy. And then you kind of just do it. And then you go, all right, I'm good now.

• 27:05Speaker 02

  He died doing what he loved, getting clips.

• 27:09Speaker 00

  Trying to remember your jokes.

• 27:12Speaker 00

  What are you, dumb bitch?

• 27:13Matt McCusker?

  Are you Cambodian or what?

• 27:17Matt McCusker?

  Any Filipinos in the room?

• 27:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, I had an extremely sharp pain in my chest once and I was like, it was the worst one ever. I was like, this has to be a heart attack. And I was just getting into my closer, so I was like, just fucking do it. Just get through it. Yeah. And I got offstage and I was very embarrassed to tell everyone. I think I might have just had, I think I had a heart attack.

• 27:38Matt McCusker?

  I, don't people do have like, don't people have tiny attacks in there? I feel like it does happen. I could have sworn I had one in my twenties. Like I for sure thought I was having a heart attack.

• 27:46Speaker 02

  I think I had one like two days ago. I'm constantly thinking I have heart attacks and then not telling anyone and I'm alone in a hotel room somewhere and I'm like, well, I guess they're gonna find me in here.

• 27:54Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 27:54Speaker 02

  God, Brookfield, Wisconsin.

• 27:56Matt McCusker?

  Try to get like a cool pose, just like.

• 27:58Speaker 02

  You're not nude. If I think I'm dying, I put underwear on.

• 28:01Matt McCusker?

  Dude, being discovered dead in the thinking's man pose would be nice if you just.

• 28:05Speaker 02

  It's like the Subius, but you're like.

• 28:08Speaker 00

  Yeah. Unfortunately, it's all gonna be the Pompeii guy. It's all gonna be holding your dick.

• 28:15Speaker 02

  For sure. While crying.

• 28:17Matt McCusker?

  Was there a guy holding his dick from the lava?

• 28:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:19Speaker 00

  And it's in a, like a museum case now.

• 28:21Speaker 02

  I've seen it. Yeah. He's on his side, clearly jerking off.

• 28:25Matt McCusker?

  I mean, having lava burn through your hand and finally get to your dick, I'd be so pissed.

• 28:30Speaker 02

  I mean, that's me dying on stage. That's me being like, I'm gonna do what I like. This is how I was built to die.

• 28:36Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it's that heart attack. And I also have like, I've seen enough of those YouTubes of people being like, um, and, um, um, um, and just completely glitch out. I'm like, I'm definitely gonna do that one time.

• 28:46Speaker 02

  I don't know. I think that after you do it long enough, you're like, your body knows. I feel like I would like, my body would be like, all right, thank you, buy a T-shirt. And then as soon as I'm offstage, that's when my fucking stroke happens, you know? Such a showman. So dedicated to the craft.

• 29:04Matt McCusker?

  That'd be nice.

• 29:04Speaker 02

  Is there a better way, though?

• 29:05Matt McCusker?

  To die?

• 29:06Speaker 02

  Like, like you're onstage, you're killing, like, the last thought you have is like-

• 29:09Matt McCusker?

  That's, it all depends on if you're killing.

• 29:10Speaker 00

  Fuck, yeah.

• 29:11Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, like, alright, not a waste.

• 29:14Speaker 00

  If it was just an average, normal, I'd rather be bombing and die.

• 29:18Speaker 02

  Go down fighting.

• 29:20Speaker 00

  Alright, I'm gonna get out of this.

• 29:22Matt McCusker?

  Try new, you tried the one new one, it just kills you.

• 29:24Speaker 02

  Of course, yeah.

• 29:26Matt McCusker?

  That's actually not what I was trying to say.

• 29:28Speaker 02

  Forty minutes in, you blow it, can't close, pull out your own gun.

• 29:35Speaker 02

  It'd be cool if they armed us onstage.

• 29:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:39Speaker 02

  You should.

• 29:39Speaker 00

  They should arm us and teachers.

• 29:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, the real heroes, the frontline warriors.

• 29:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:45Matt McCusker?

  Teachers for sure, you gotta give teachers guns.

• 29:47Speaker 02

  When you did, when you did Eagles?

• 29:48Matt McCusker?

  Why not? Just because, I don't even care. It'd be cool if a teacher had a gun, it'd be nice, they'd give them a little more confidence.

• 29:53Speaker 02

  But like an AK strapped to their chest? Yeah, like, not a little pocket piece.

• 29:58Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that'd be nice.

• 29:59Speaker 02

  Like a sawed-off shotgun.

• 30:00Matt McCusker?

  Just a strapped, like, assault rifle strapped on their shoulder.

• 30:03Speaker 02

  What's the capital of Liberia?

• 30:05Matt McCusker?

  Imagine that, though, just-

• 30:06Speaker 00

  Monrovia.

• 30:11Matt McCusker?

  It'd be fun, it's like a fun teacher prank to be, you don't have your homework? Like, ah, come on, let's get, let's do it better.

• 30:17Speaker 02

  Just like one throwing star over the kid's head?

• 30:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:20Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, corporal, I, I would like, uh, what is it called? Corporal punishment?

• 30:23Speaker 02

  Uh huh.

• 30:24Matt McCusker?

  Oh, they should, a little bit, we need a little bit of that, I think.

• 30:28Speaker 02

  I think tuning up the kids a bit would be helpful.

• 30:30Matt McCusker?

  Just, not like, super hard, but like, uh, systemized, just like-

• 30:32Speaker 02

  One of these, behind the ear?

• 30:34Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 30:34Speaker 02

  Dave T. style, bang!

• 30:35Matt McCusker?

  Boxing ears would be nice.

• 30:37Speaker 02

  Oh, you could pop one, man. Pop a kid's eardrum, then he can't listen to you at all?

• 30:41Matt McCusker?

  Fuck.

• 30:42Speaker 02

  Medically?

• 30:42Matt McCusker?

  Should've fucking paid attention.

• 30:45Speaker 00

  I got, I gotta go to, uh, Ways to Well after this.

• 30:49Matt McCusker?

  Ooh.

• 30:50Speaker 00

  So I'm thinking about that, it's weighing heavy on me.

• 30:51Speaker 02

  What is it?

• 30:52Speaker 00

  Uh, I'm gonna get, I, I made a mistake, I, cause I'm, I'm taking Phil in.

• 30:57Matt McCusker?

  Nice.

• 30:57Speaker 00

  Phil's got a fucked up knee, and they're like, we can-

• 31:00Speaker 02

  Oh, is this that stem cell thing they're always trying to get you to do? At the mothership? There's a guy there every time I'm there, and he's like, come on in, man, we'll fucking inject you with blood, you'll be alright. I'm like, what? Who are you?

• 31:10Speaker 00

  I don't know, they cured Aaron Rodgers.

• 31:11Speaker 02

  No, no, I think it's an actual medical thing.

• 31:13Speaker 00

  They can get Phil Gillis.

• 31:14Speaker 02

  I think they can get Phil.

• 31:15Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 31:15Speaker 02

  I met Phil, he crushed my hand with his handshake.

• 31:17Speaker 00

  I didn't want, I don't want Phil to get another knee surgery or something.

• 31:19Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 31:20Speaker 00

  So I was like, yeah, we'll come down for Texas Ohio State football, while we're down here, see what happens.

• 31:25Speaker 02

  Get some embryo in there.

• 31:26Speaker 00

  But then I made a mistake of being like, well, while, if I'm going in, I'll fucking-

• 31:29Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 31:29Speaker 00

  I'll get something, they're like, is anything wrong? I was like, my knees crackle, and they're like, great, we'll do that, and then, and now they're like-

• 31:37Matt McCusker?

  Big needle, dude.

• 31:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, but then they're like, it's gonna hurt.

• 31:40Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 31:40Speaker 00

  And as soon as they said that, I was like-

• 31:42Matt McCusker?

  Oh, no.

• 31:42Speaker 00

  Well, I don't need this. Also, I Googled knee crack, and I'm like, it's fine.

• 31:46Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I would think so.

• 31:48Speaker 00

  It is.

• 31:48Matt McCusker?

  Dude, Spud, that, he was gonna get the, like, stemmies or something like that, and they're like, oh, no, you just need, there's another thing they do if you don't need the stem cells, they just get a thick gauge needle and just fucking puncture your tissue, and that kind of relaxes it somehow, so they were just like, stabbing him with like, a fucking harpoon.

• 32:04Speaker 00

  If they're doing that, I'm saying no.

• 32:06Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, dude, I, I-

• 32:07Speaker 00

  You can also just get an IV drip, which, I'm gonna do that.

• 32:09Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, can you do that?

• 32:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 32:11Matt McCusker?

  It doesn't have to, like, go to, like, the specific stuff?

• 32:13Speaker 00

  If I had, like, something actually wrong with my knee?

• 32:15Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 32:16Speaker 00

  Which that was the mistake of saying, I was like-

• 32:18Matt McCusker?

  Bro, I don't know if I-

• 32:18Speaker 00

  Is anything wrong? I was like, my knees crackle.

• 32:20Matt McCusker?

  They're gonna look, they're gonna fucking, dude, they're gonna-

• 32:22Speaker 00

  I know, dude, I'm thinking about a needle into my knee today, that sucks ass.

• 32:26Matt McCusker?

  I wouldn't be able to podcast, if I knew I was due for a needle, I'm fried. I hate needles.

• 32:30Speaker 00

  Big needles into your knee?

• 32:32Speaker 02

  While your dad's there, so you can't cry?

• 32:35Speaker 00

  Then I was like, well, if it hurts, I don't wanna do it.

• 32:38Matt McCusker?

  Dude, you're getting-

• 32:38Speaker 00

  She was like, it's like a three, three out of 10.

• 32:40Speaker 02

  Who's three? A woman's three is like a man's seven.

• 32:43Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 32:43Speaker 00

  Fuck.

• 32:44Matt McCusker?

  You're getting a, for real, you're getting a needle.

• 32:46Speaker 00

  Matt, I don't need any of your jokes.

• 32:53Matt McCusker?

  Yo, for real, that sucks, I'm sorry to hear you're getting a needle. I still, I'm like a, like a four-year-old, if I hear I have to needle, I'm kinda like-

• 32:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, I've been thinking about it for a week, sucks. This episode is brought to you by Quince.

• 33:04Matt McCusker?

  Nice.

• 33:05Speaker 00

  What do you know about Quince?

• 33:06Matt McCusker?

  I love Quince, I'll be, I'll be honest, they sent me the stuff, and I, they're boxers, they use like, cot, like, regular materials, not a lot of polyesters, natural fibers, I'm, I'm a big fan.

• 33:17Speaker 00

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• 33:42Matt McCusker?

  It's pretty crazy.

• 33:43Speaker 00

  That's a bargain.

• 33:44Matt McCusker?

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• 34:10Speaker 00

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• 34:11Matt McCusker?

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• 34:18Speaker 00

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• 34:27Matt McCusker?

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• 34:47Speaker 02

  Incredible.

• 34:48Matt McCusker?

  When I get blood taken, I, for real, like, jokingly ask the old lady, like, the nurse to hold my hand, and then she'll be like, ha, and I'm like, could you, for real, please hold my hand?

• 34:56Speaker 00

  I'm definitely looking away.

• 34:59Speaker 00

  And they're gonna be like, relax, you have to relax. I can't.

• 35:02Matt McCusker?

  Last time I got my blood drawn, I was like, so how long have you been in plebodimus? And she was like, oh, six weeks. That was like, the worst fucking answer I could- Dude, I still have a fuck, someone scarred me down here.

• 35:09Speaker 02

  Oh, wow.

• 35:10Matt McCusker?

  I have like, a little-

• 35:11Speaker 02

  Track mark.

• 35:11Matt McCusker?

  Track mark, dude, and like, it's, it hurts, it like, bubbled up, but every time I touch it, I'm like, bitch.

• 35:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think I'm not gonna do this.

• 35:17Matt McCusker?

  She was fucking mean.

• 35:18Speaker 02

  You don't have to.

• 35:19Matt McCusker?

  No.

• 35:19Speaker 02

  No. They could clean your blood or something, though, while you're there.

• 35:22Speaker 00

  I don't want them to clean my blood, I'm just gonna get a-

• 35:24Matt McCusker?

  Dude, just sprint.

• 35:25Speaker 00

  Just a nice IV.

• 35:26Matt McCusker?

  Sprint in, run in there and be like, all good, guys, fucking knees.

• 35:28Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, knee's good.

• 35:29Matt McCusker?

  Stop crackling.

• 35:30Speaker 02

  Just start jumping in front of them, I'm fine.

• 35:32Speaker 00

  They kept, like, calling and being like, so how bad is the pain in your knee? I was like, zero.

• 35:37Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 35:37Speaker 00

  I just said, it makes, it crackles.

• 35:38Matt McCusker?

  Dude, they want in on those knees.

• 35:40Speaker 00

  And they're like, what have you been doing for PT for your knee? I'm like, I, I'm not rehabilitating my knees.

• 35:45Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 35:45Speaker 00

  Like, what's the injury? Like, there's no injury. I just panicked in a fucking questionnaire.

• 35:50Speaker 02

  I wanted to fit in.

• 35:52Speaker 00

  You had to have a response. There was no fucking, it was like, what do you need? I was like, knees.

• 35:57Matt McCusker?

  Uh huh.

• 35:57Speaker 00

  And they're like, so what's going on with your knees?

• 35:59Matt McCusker?

  I was like, nothing, nothing at all.

• 36:00Speaker 00

  Like, well, we're gonna fucking inject-

• 36:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, we're gonna jam you with a harpoon.

• 36:05Matt McCusker?

  You're gonna jump like, 20 feet.

• 36:06Speaker 00

  If these work, and I have jacked knees.

• 36:11Speaker 02

  You're gonna be bounding from place to place, like a gazelle.

• 36:13Matt McCusker?

  They're gonna, they're gonna find something, they're gonna keep looking.

• 36:16Speaker 00

  Fuck.

• 36:17Matt McCusker?

  They're gonna test drive you.

• 36:18Speaker 00

  I think I can cancel it.

• 36:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 36:20Matt McCusker?

  You gotta get your dad done.

• 36:21Speaker 00

  I'm taking Phil in, he needs it, he's got-

• 36:23Matt McCusker?

  Drop him off, just hang in the car, just-

• 36:26Speaker 02

  He's been taking a shower for a while.

• 36:28Speaker 00

  He has.

• 36:29Matt McCusker?

  Hold up, but what if, what if they have lollipops? Mystery dum-dum?

• 36:35Speaker 00

  I have to be a good guy.

• 36:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 36:38Speaker 00

  I have to be good, I have to be good in there.

• 36:41Matt McCusker?

  You have to be brave, and you can't fuck around in the waiting room and play-

• 36:44Speaker 02

  I'll come with you, I'll hold your hand.

• 36:45Speaker 00

  They're gonna inject you with everything.

• 36:47Speaker 02

  They're gonna hit me with darts when I walk in.

• 36:51Speaker 00

  Put him down, put him down.

• 36:52Speaker 02

  They're gonna pin me to the wall, yeah.

• 36:54Matt McCusker?

  They're just gonna cut you open like a butterfly, you're gonna stay there forever.

• 36:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm gonna be in a box.

• 36:59Matt McCusker?

  Sam Tellis.

• 37:01Speaker 00

  I've always wanted to do this.

• 37:02Matt McCusker?

  You should.

• 37:03Speaker 00

  But-

• 37:04Speaker 02

  It's your feathers, you'll be okay.

• 37:06Speaker 00

  Now it's the day of, and I really don't wanna do it.

• 37:08Matt McCusker?

  To have them put you under.

• 37:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:12Speaker 02

  Small needle before the big, or just show up wasted, then they can't do it.

• 37:16Matt McCusker?

  They'll do it.

• 37:16Speaker 00

  They'll do it.

• 37:17Speaker 02

  No, they can't, oh, yeah, maybe.

• 37:19Matt McCusker?

  That's, it's an alpha doctor, it's just the alpha doctors.

• 37:21Speaker 02

  Right, yeah.

• 37:22Matt McCusker?

  Like, your waist is sick, it's actually good for you.

• 37:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 37:25Matt McCusker?

  Your blood thinners, it's actually fucking rules. Be, a little bit of alcohol does, uh, raise your testosterone slightly.

• 37:31Speaker 02

  Really?

• 37:31Matt McCusker?

  For a little bit, just if you have like, a couple of drinks, your testosterone technically does raise slightly.

• 37:35Speaker 02

  Is that just cause it makes you like, dumber?

• 37:38Speaker 00

  I've seen it.

• 37:40Speaker 00

  I've seen real testosterone fucks.

• 37:45Speaker 00

  You looking at me?

• 37:48Speaker 00

  I don't like anyone here.

• 37:52Speaker 00

  We gotta go, I gotta hit the streets.

• 37:57Matt McCusker?

  Starts flipping a coin.

• 38:00Speaker 02

  Brushing your hair.

• 38:04Speaker 00

  Fuck, now I really don't wanna do this.

• 38:05Speaker 02

  Uh, yeah, you don't have to.

• 38:07Matt McCusker?

  No, it has to be done. You could do it.

• 38:10Speaker 00

  I know I can do it, it'll be alright.

• 38:12Speaker 02

  It's gonna hurt a lot.

• 38:12Speaker 00

  Knee injection.

• 38:14Matt McCusker?

  Is it a boy giving you a needle or a girl?

• 38:15Speaker 00

  I think it's a boy.

• 38:17Matt McCusker?

  Sucks.

• 38:18Speaker 00

  Really?

• 38:18Matt McCusker?

  I only want girl, yeah.

• 38:19Speaker 00

  I would want a boy for this.

• 38:20Speaker 02

  I'd want a boy too.

• 38:21Speaker 00

  I'm gonna be such a fucking pussy.

• 38:23Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I don't know, girl, if, I feel like, I only ever have girl needlers, and it's like, I like, I like just, you know, something about, like, if she has to be nice, if she's mean, it crushes me.

• 38:32Speaker 02

  Oh, she can't be like-

• 38:33Matt McCusker?

  This bitch who gave me this fucking track mark.

• 38:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 38:36Matt McCusker?

  Fucking asshole.

• 38:37Speaker 02

  Yeah, be present for this lady, it's scary for me, I know I'm one of 12 for you today, but please, just focus.

• 38:43Matt McCusker?

  Stop looking at the clock.

• 38:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. Quit eating hot cheetos.

• 38:47Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, the, uh, I had to go for my life insurance, the lady had to take blood, and she brought a thick gauge needle, and I was, she did it right to my home, right to my house, I haven't been able to relax at my house since. Thick boy.

• 38:59Speaker 02

  You're getting like, two-year home needlings, is that what you're saying?

• 39:02Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, they, well, it was life insurance, they're like, we'll just come to you, and we'll get your, uh, we'll get all your shit.

• 39:06Speaker 02

  You got life insurance?

• 39:07Matt McCusker?

  I think so, I don't know, I didn't, do you have it?

• 39:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:09Matt McCusker?

  Nice, it's a nice slash kind of weird feeling, though.

• 39:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:12Matt McCusker?

  It's like, dude, I, I always tell my wife, I'm like, the best thing I could do right now is die.

• 39:15Speaker 02

  For, for the family, you mean?

• 39:16Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. It's a big needle?

• 39:18Speaker 00

  It's fucking huge.

• 39:19Matt McCusker?

  Let me see what you got, let me see.

• 39:20Speaker 02

  Oh, my god!

• 39:24Matt McCusker?

  Dang, that was like a video, that's like a video game needle.

• 39:27Speaker 02

  Dude.

• 39:27Matt McCusker?

  I'm just not kidding.

• 39:28Speaker 02

  Oh, no.

• 39:30Matt McCusker?

  That's like the fucking-

• 39:32Speaker 00

  This is gonna hurt.

• 39:33Speaker 02

  What?

• 39:34Matt McCusker?

  That's like the pulp fiction needle.

• 39:35Speaker 02

  Like putting a battery in your knee. You'll be alright, man.

• 39:42Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. Yeah, that thing's crazy.

• 39:46Speaker 02

  It's like what they shot up the Road Runner with.

• 39:49Matt McCusker?

  Well, fuck, man.

• 39:54Matt McCusker?

  As soon as they do it, it's go, ah, ah.

• 39:58Speaker 00

  Completely unnecessary.

• 40:00Matt McCusker?

  For clicks? Yo, you better, it better stop clicking.

• 40:03Speaker 02

  It's clickbait.

• 40:04Speaker 00

  It's totally fine. I Googled it again last night, cause I was like, yeah, it must be terrible. Must be like cartilage or something. It's like, it's completely normal.

• 40:11Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. Yeah, your knees can, like, my, yeah, my knees.

• 40:13Speaker 00

  It's like a joint crack.

• 40:14Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. I think it's like, what is it? What is it? Like air in your joints or something?

• 40:17Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 40:17Matt McCusker?

  You got some air in your knees, who cares?

• 40:20Speaker 02

  You got those left tackle knees, man.

• 40:21Speaker 00

  Do you think I can cancel?

• 40:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, yes. You can do whatever you want. What are you talking about?

• 40:27Speaker 00

  My knee's my choice.

• 40:28Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. Your knee's your choice.

• 40:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 40:31Speaker 03

  Your body.

• 40:32Matt McCusker?

  I'll protest outside.

• 40:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'll make a sign right now.

• 40:35Matt McCusker?

  Pig head.

• 40:35Speaker 00

  Yeah, where are they getting stem cells? Cause I feel like in Catholic school, we were like against this.

• 40:39Matt McCusker?

  No, they got them. They figured out how to get them from not babies.

• 40:42Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 40:43Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. They're not from babies anymore, apparently.

• 40:46Speaker 03

  Mm-mm. Maybe, yeah, nevermind.

• 40:48Speaker 02

  They get them from the, like, the sac? The embryonic sac? There's stem cells in there?

• 40:52Matt McCusker?

  I don't know.

• 40:52Speaker 02

  Is it all cord blood?

• 40:53Matt McCusker?

  I'm not sure.

• 40:53Speaker 02

  I don't either.

• 40:54Matt McCusker?

  But they're not babies anymore, I'm telling you.

• 40:58Matt McCusker?

  They don't get it from babies. I heard you can get it without babies now.

• 41:01Speaker 00

  It says, uh, early-stage embryos, adult tissues, and prenatal materials like umbilical cord blood.

• 41:07Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, so they get, they just like, you cut the umbilical, throw that thing the fuck out. So they're just taking that and get some umbilical in your knees. Umbilical is good stuff.

• 41:15Speaker 02

  That's the best stuff.

• 41:16Matt McCusker?

  That is the best stuff. Ah, if you're telling me some umbilical.

• 41:20Speaker 00

  Dude, Shane, if you're gonna get stem cells, you want it straight from the baby. You don't want umbilical cord stem cells.

• 41:25Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 41:26Speaker 00

  You don't want leftover stem cells.

• 41:26Matt McCusker?

  Where do you think the baby's getting all the baby stuff from, though?

• 41:29Speaker 00

  But that's used. It's done. It's gone.

• 41:31Matt McCusker?

  It's not used. It's ready.

• 41:32Speaker 00

  Baby's been using that for nine months.

• 41:36Matt McCusker?

  I'd really like to not do this.

• 41:39Speaker 02

  Your medical advisors are solid, though.

• 41:40Matt McCusker?

  How about this? How about this?

• 41:42Speaker 02

  Your nurses are great.

• 41:44Matt McCusker?

  Watch your dad. Just watch. Is your dad's appointment first?

• 41:47Speaker 00

  We're at this, we're, they're same time, dude.

• 41:50Matt McCusker?

  Just be like, I need to keep an eye on him. I wanna keep an eye on him.

• 41:53Speaker 02

  He's really old. He gets scared.

• 41:54Matt McCusker?

  Same time?

• 41:55Speaker 00

  I, well, the problem is, I'm gonna go in and go, I actually really don't wanna do this. They're gonna go, dude, don't be a pussy. It really doesn't hurt. And you might as well do it.

• 42:02Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 42:03Speaker 00

  And I'm gonna go, okay.

• 42:04Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I know.

• 42:06Speaker 00

  It's exactly what's gonna happen. I'm gonna do it.

• 42:09Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 42:09Speaker 00

  I can't cancel things.

• 42:11Speaker 02

  You could say that, um, you can't do it because of, uh, insurance for set for tires for.

• 42:18Matt McCusker?

  The doctors, they're gonna go, you'll be fine.

• 42:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, they're gonna go, that's not true. You just lied to me.

• 42:23Speaker 02

  I trick a doctor every day.

• 42:26Matt McCusker?

  Don't tell anyone. You can't tell anyone. You're a doctor.

• 42:27Speaker 02

  Maybe listen to your counsel.

• 42:29Matt McCusker?

  Nah, I would get it. If you're gonna be there.

• 42:31Speaker 00

  Counsel betrayed.

• 42:31Speaker 02

  This is crazy. This is your, this is your, these are your advisors.

• 42:34Matt McCusker?

  It's true. They want his knees to buckle.

• 42:37Speaker 00

  Yeah, the counsel, yeah.

• 42:39Speaker 02

  Yeah. That way they can steal your crown.

• 42:41Speaker 00

  We, we're the Chili's counsel. We're used to being at B-Dubs.

• 42:44Speaker 02

  You took the mic for that?

• 42:48Speaker 03

  I say, we skip the appointment, go get a triple dipper, couple brewskis. That's what I say.

• 42:54Speaker 00

  Now you're talking my language.

• 42:57Matt McCusker?

  Also, minor flex and own the appetizers.

• 43:00Speaker 03

  I mean, I'm not trying to flex.

• 43:02Speaker 02

  Southwestern egg rolls.

• 43:03Speaker 00

  I gotta be honest, I don't really grub there.

• 43:06Matt McCusker?

  Just drink.

• 43:06Speaker 00

  I'm there for one thing. For the beer.

• 43:10Matt McCusker?

  Here we go.

• 43:10Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 43:11Matt McCusker?

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• 43:20Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 43:21Matt McCusker?

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• 43:25Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 43:26Matt McCusker?

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• 43:38Speaker 00

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• 43:39Matt McCusker?

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• 43:46Speaker 00

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• 43:47Matt McCusker?

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• 44:23Speaker 00

  You know what's nice about that three months? It's football season.

• 44:25Matt McCusker?

  Oh, my goodness.

• 44:26Speaker 00

  And what a better way to reward your partner with, you know, hey, I'm gonna be watching TV. I'm gonna be watching football all day. She, or he, gets a little grumpy with you.

• 44:35Matt McCusker?

  For sure.

• 44:35Speaker 00

  And you go, watch this. I'm gonna knock that attitude right out of you.

• 44:39Matt McCusker?

  Bro.

• 44:40Speaker 00

  BlueChew Gold.

• 44:41Matt McCusker?

  Woo.

• 44:42Speaker 02

  Hit her with a, think about that.

• 44:44Matt McCusker?

  The real, hit her with the real deal.

• 44:45Speaker 02

  Or him.

• 44:46Matt McCusker?

  Hit her with a hammer.

• 44:48Speaker 02

  Or him.

• 44:48Matt McCusker?

  Or him, for sure.

• 44:50Speaker 02

  I'm wet. I'm wet for you, bro. Wait.

• 44:59Speaker 02

  Oh, Phil didn't hear that. Hey, I have a new book, uh, comes out September 22nd. It's called Brute. You can preorder it. Get it wherever books are available. It's a violent thriller about a hitman in Paris. He's an ex-marine, killing his way through Paris and hunting a mafia don. So, it's really good. Uh, sent one to Shane. He read it in one day. Said it was the best book he ever read.

• 45:19Speaker 00

  It was awesome.

• 45:20Speaker 02

  Yeah. So, you should be like Shane.

• 45:22Speaker 00

  I thought Running the Light was great.

• 45:23Speaker 02

  Thanks, man. Did, I sent you a hand binded one.

• 45:26Speaker 00

  You sent me ten.

• 45:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. Do you remember the quote you gave me for Running the Light?

• 45:30Speaker 00

  Uh, what was it?

• 45:31Speaker 02

  It's like, wow, who could believe such a fat mutant could write such a good book?

• 45:35Speaker 00

  Such a dumb donkey.

• 45:37Speaker 02

  It was literally whatever.

• 45:38Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I'm stoked, man. It's gonna be awesome.

• 45:40Speaker 02

  I'm, yeah, United boned us. But, uh, yeah, and then I'll be at Cleveland Hilarities this weekend in Winnipeg, Rumors. So, yeah, get your tickets, samtallent.com.

• 45:47Speaker 00

  I'm always, I get so jealous when I hear Hilarities.

• 45:50Speaker 02

  Dude.

• 45:50Speaker 00

  I love it.

• 45:51Speaker 02

  You know, grass is greener, right? Chubby Behemoth is my podcast.

• 45:57Matt McCusker?

  Guys, uh, September 25th, uh, next weekend, I'll, or the weekend after this one. Royal Oak, Michigan, I'll be there. I'll be in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. That's a big one. That one's a dragon. Come on, uh, was, Milwaukee. Charlotte, North Carolina, Jacksonville, Atlanta, Chattanooga, Fort Lauderdale, Tampa. All those are good. Orlando's good. Here's the one that's really keeping me up at night. Newark, New Jersey. Guys, this place is huge. I don't know why they put me there.

• 46:21Speaker 00

  No, it's gonna be good.

• 46:21Matt McCusker?

  Ew.

• 46:22Speaker 00

  It's the Galactic Senate. You'll see.

• 46:23Matt McCusker?

  I'm hoping, but god darn, it's gonna be me and, it's gonna be me and a couple guys dipping out. That's the way it looks right now.

• 46:28Speaker 00

  It's fun.

• 46:29Matt McCusker?

  That would be actually really fun.

• 46:30Speaker 00

  It'll be awesome.

• 46:31Matt McCusker?

  We just chill. Yeah, whatever. Who cares a shit about Newark, guys? Come if you want, come if you don't. Baltimore, Maryland, Columbus, Ohio, Cincinnati, Ohio, San Diego, Sacramento. That's it for me.

• 46:40Speaker 00

  Yo.

• 46:41Speaker 02

  I got nothing.

• 46:42Matt McCusker?

  Hell, yeah.

• 46:44Speaker 02

  Hello, hey, everybody. It's me, Lamar. I'm gonna be in Florida in October, and, and, and Orlando on the 30th for Halloween. And, uh, Jacksonville on the 29th, and I'm trying to get a show in Gainesville on the 30th.

• 46:54Matt McCusker?

  Ooh.

• 46:55Speaker 02

  And then, uh, yeah, and in a month, Philly for Thanksgiving. That'll be sick. Yeah. All right, great. Nice.

• 47:02Speaker 00

  Thank you, guys.

• 47:03Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. I had a nice, uh, salty, dry chicken breast from there at the airport. I'll be honest, though, it wasn't bad. I told Nate.

• 47:09Speaker 00

  True. I do eat, I just get like a sandwich.

• 47:11Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I told Nate, I said, this is actually some bad fuel. For the airport, you hit Chili's and get a, just a piece of chicken. Yeah.

• 47:17Speaker 00

  Chili's is the best. Like, that's what gets me most excited in an airport is a good Chili's.

• 47:21Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 47:22Speaker 00

  Gotta lay over here at Chili's.

• 47:24Speaker 02

  Get those chips. Sit down. Salsa.

• 47:26Speaker 00

  Get a burger.

• 47:27Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 47:27Speaker 00

  Great chips and salsa.

• 47:28Speaker 02

  The best.

• 47:29Speaker 00

  Great chips and salsa.

• 47:31Matt McCusker?

  Great tenders. They, they, they're.

• 47:34Speaker 00

  You're saying quality tenders?

• 47:35Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 47:35Speaker 00

  Nice.

• 47:36Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, definitely better than TGI, for sure.

• 47:39Speaker 00

  TGI fell off.

• 47:40Matt McCusker?

  TGI is crazy.

• 47:41Speaker 00

  Do they exist?

• 47:43Speaker 02

  I, hold on. That salad bar at Ruby Tuesday's, undefeated.

• 47:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:49Speaker 02

  Don't you flip your hands at me, Sean. What the heck?

• 47:51Speaker 00

  I don't know what happened to Sean.

• 47:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 47:54Speaker 00

  I don't know what's going on with this guy. I think something's going on.

• 47:56Speaker 02

  I think he's like happy, and this is what it looks like.

• 47:59Speaker 00

  I think he's comfortable.

• 48:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's satisfied.

• 48:02Speaker 03

  I was.

• 48:04Speaker 00

  What were you in a good mood about? What made it feel bad?

• 48:06Speaker 02

  Not about Portland and Seattle.

• 48:09Speaker 02

  I gotta tell everyone in Portland, Seattle, be nice to Sean.

• 48:11Speaker 03

  No, everyone was nice.

• 48:12Speaker 00

  Why? What happened?

• 48:13Speaker 02

  He texted me. Please tell everyone. Yeah.

• 48:16Speaker 03

  Well, that was a joke, but.

• 48:18Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 48:20Speaker 02

  Kinda like that Chili's thing.

• 48:21Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 48:22Speaker 03

  I'm good. I'm happy. Yeah.

• 48:24Speaker 00

  Nice.

• 48:24Speaker 02

  Beautiful girlfriend, great mustache.

• 48:27Matt McCusker?

  To hell.

• 48:27Speaker 00

  Big dick. You know he's a big dick, too.

• 48:29Speaker 02

  Of course. He tells me every time I see him.

• 48:31Speaker 00

  He brings it up. The girlfriend stuff's gotta, you gotta relax.

• 48:34Speaker 02

  What?

• 48:35Speaker 03

  Yeah, I don't, I never talk about your squaw. Why are you talking about my squaw?

• 48:38Speaker 02

  You're, cause we're, I'm friends with your girlfriend.

• 48:40Speaker 00

  Oh, even weirder.

• 48:42Speaker 02

  This isn't weird at all. I'm very happy for you. I think you're both adorable. I have no intent to bed her.

• 48:49Speaker 02

  What? Okay, here we go. God, a man wears linen pants and all the, I'm the enemy.

• 48:56Speaker 02

  She's cool. I like her.

• 48:58Speaker 03

  All right. I don't feel like that's any of your business, but I appreciate it.

• 49:02Speaker 02

  I'm a sad Sean.

• 49:05Speaker 03

  I'm just kidding. I love you.

• 49:09Speaker 02

  I haven't said her name. That's respectful.

• 49:11Speaker 03

  That's, I mean, yeah, don't, please don't.

• 49:15Speaker 02

  Please don't. You've been gone too long. He's, he's.

• 49:19Speaker 00

  No, I haven't.

• 49:19Speaker 02

  He's getting confidence. You haven't been smashing him over and over again.

• 49:23Speaker 00

  I only try to uplift these guys.

• 49:25Speaker 02

  That's good. That's good. No, I know that.

• 49:27Speaker 00

  They, they drag me down into their muck.

• 49:30Speaker 02

  Worms love the dirt.

• 49:31Speaker 00

  We go out to drink, they go, you know who you should hate?

• 49:35Speaker 00

  I go, who? And they name a comedian, they go, you fucking asshole.

• 49:40Speaker 00

  I like him.

• 49:41Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 49:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, he's fucking fake.

• 49:45Speaker 02

  But, I mean, that's what you want the kids to know about. That you want them to be pissed at comments.

• 49:48Speaker 00

  That's not true.

• 49:51Matt McCusker?

  Gosh darn it for the record. Sam, what's been up with you?

• 49:56Speaker 02

  Man, just, you know, trying to navigate.

• 50:00Speaker 02

  I'm new to Hollywood, so I've like went to LA and did a week out there and.

• 50:04Matt McCusker?

  Nice.

• 50:04Speaker 02

  It was, it was good. It was fruitful. New book coming out on the 22nd. That's like been dominating my whole summer, so it'll be nice for people to have it, but yeah.

• 50:13Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that's awesome.

• 50:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's good stuff. Um, it's, it's like, you know, I wrote, it's a gay hitman in Paris doing like killing a mafia don. So it's like, I'm very stoked for people to have to like reckon with the fact that it's a cool book. And then there's like, you know, dudes banging.

• 50:28Matt McCusker?

  It's awesome.

• 50:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 50:29Matt McCusker?

  The more could you want?

• 50:30Speaker 02

  I don't know. It's everything you want. Well, you know what it is? It's a female beach read disguised as a man book. So I think women will get it and be horny and then guys will be like, whoa, there's a hatchet and eight guns?

• 50:39Matt McCusker?

  You have to write a female beach read.

• 50:42Speaker 02

  Kinda did.

• 50:43Matt McCusker?

  That's the biggest.

• 50:44Speaker 02

  I know.

• 50:44Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 50:45Speaker 02

  It's that and YA.

• 50:46Matt McCusker?

  It's the only thing being read.

• 50:47Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's not literary fiction. Let me tell you.

• 50:49Matt McCusker?

  There, there's apparently there's a huge crisis. Men aren't reading. It's only women are reading. They're only reading smut.

• 50:54Speaker 02

  I know, but luckily Mr. Beast fixed that. So now men all read.

• 50:57Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 50:57Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 50:58Matt McCusker?

  What's he, he's.

• 50:59Speaker 02

  Him and James Patterson wrote a novel together.

• 51:01Matt McCusker?

  I thought that was a joke.

• 51:02Speaker 02

  No, dude. And it was pretty much his, like, if I did it. It was pretty much, the book is like.

• 51:06Matt McCusker?

  If I didn't refer, uh.

• 51:07Speaker 02

  Mr. Beast had that like Beast Games show, but it's kind of like, what if Jigsaw ran Beast Games? So it's just Mr. Beast fantasy from what I can tell.

• 51:16Matt McCusker?

  Just like murdering all contestants?

• 51:18Speaker 02

  But written by someone named James Patterson.

• 51:21Matt McCusker?

  Nice.

• 51:22Speaker 02

  So, yeah, they've teamed up.

• 51:24Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 51:24Speaker 02

  They say, they saved it all, man. These guys all read the book, you know? My cousins all read the book.

• 51:29Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, one of them guys was still into Guy Smut, which was just Clancy, you know?

• 51:35Speaker 02

  Clancy?

• 51:36Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, like. Yeah.

• 51:37Speaker 02

  Oh, Tom Clancy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that should still, I mean, any paperback that's this big sells a hundred million copies.

• 51:44Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 51:44Speaker 02

  But, uh, any book that has a hardcover, people don't buy it. Yeah, it sucks. It's bad. I love reading. You can't talk about reading. Video games have never been better. It's tough. It's tough to be a reader.

• 51:55Matt McCusker?

  True. There you go. Read that. You got me on to Dennis Johnson. I'm a big fan.

• 51:59Speaker 02

  He's the greatest.

• 52:00Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 52:00Speaker 02

  He's the coolest. You read Angels?

• 52:02Matt McCusker?

  No.

• 52:02Speaker 02

  You read the Jesus Son?

• 52:03Matt McCusker?

  I read Jesus Son, Tree of Smoke and Laughing Monsters.

• 52:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, Laughing Monsters is okay, but man, those other two are fucking heaters. And then you like try and go promote your book on a podcast and people are like, you ever farted on a book? And you're like, uh, yes, and.

• 52:17Matt McCusker?

  You're a bash bus?

• 52:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 52:20Matt McCusker?

  Have you ever farted on a book?

• 52:21Speaker 02

  Uh, yeah, for sure. I mean.

• 52:23Matt McCusker?

  Fall asleep. Yeah. Books in the bed. You've certainly farted on a book.

• 52:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, also like, you ever done the thing where you like fart on a hard chair? Like a, you go bare ass on a chair?

• 52:33Matt McCusker?

  Yes, we used to fart on textbooks.

• 52:34Speaker 02

  Of course.

• 52:35Matt McCusker?

  I was about to say, in school, we definitely fart on your friend's book, yeah.

• 52:37Speaker 02

  Yeah, it'd be hilarious noise.

• 52:38Matt McCusker?

  Spelling copybook. Fart into a bookbag, zip it up. Yup.

• 52:42Speaker 02

  Fart, fart on top of your friend's head and then put his hat back on. You take his hat off, fart on his head, put his hat on. That's a good one.

• 52:48Matt McCusker?

  I never even thought of this.

• 52:49Speaker 02

  Well, man, you're not the only innovator, Shane.

• 52:51Matt McCusker?

  The fart grenades are still, like, thinking about those, they might have been the worst. Yup, fart cup and then in someone's face. The kiss of death. Yeah. Or you used to reach behind someone that's covered their face.

• 53:01Speaker 02

  Uh huh.

• 53:02Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, you smother them. Yeah.

• 53:03Speaker 02

  Not only were you farting into, you grabbed their.

• 53:06Matt McCusker?

  Dude, that should be like an expellable offense. It has to be. I think now if you were to fart cup somebody.

• 53:10Speaker 02

  Sexual assault.

• 53:12Matt McCusker?

  Sexual assault.

• 53:13Speaker 02

  You face hug someone with a handful of flatulence? Yeah.

• 53:17Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 53:17Speaker 02

  What about, uh, did you guys ever do that like choke out thing around like sixth, seventh grade?

• 53:21Matt McCusker?

  Pass out?

• 53:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, that was huge.

• 53:23Matt McCusker?

  That was awesome.

• 53:23Speaker 02

  God, hit my head so many times.

• 53:25Matt McCusker?

  Pass out is such a sick thing. I'm gonna do this all the time.

• 53:28Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. Well, first it's getting dizzy and then it's passing out and then it's real drugs.

• 53:32Matt McCusker?

  Yup. And then you just stop. Everyone does it for like a week and then it's like, it's gone.

• 53:36Speaker 02

  Yeah. I got choked out by this kid who was named Billy. He was like probably four foot three at the time and he was like, let me show you something. And I was like a hulking man, you know? Well, I was in sixth grade. I was morbidly obese, but he like choked me out in the middle of class and I came to and I was going, oh, oh. And like every one of my peers was standing over my limp body as I came to. It was the worst.

• 53:57Matt McCusker?

  Did you take like 30 deep breaths really quick? Cause it helps you pass out faster?

• 54:00Speaker 02

  Uh, no, I just was like, yeah, choke me. And then I woke up. Like every girl I cared about.

• 54:06Matt McCusker?

  Devastating.

• 54:07Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 54:07Matt McCusker?

  We'd do it on the bus. You go like, huh, huh, like a bunch of times and then they do it and you just go, boom, fall out.

• 54:13Speaker 02

  You could also do the, and then like put your head between your knees and you could like force yourself to hang out, I think.

• 54:17Matt McCusker?

  Right?

• 54:18Speaker 02

  Yeah. I don't know. I thought kids could make themselves.

• 54:20Matt McCusker?

  Have you ever tried to blow yourself?

• 54:22Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 54:23Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 54:23Speaker 02

  But I mean, not like ever. I never thought I was gonna achieve it.

• 54:25Matt McCusker?

  I knew it was never, I never.

• 54:28Speaker 02

  Never got my hopes up.

• 54:29Matt McCusker?

  I got to like a crunch.

• 54:30Speaker 02

  Yeah. Ow, ow, ow.

• 54:33Matt McCusker?

  That's it. Yeah, I got a long way to go. It's not for me. Real long.

• 54:36Speaker 02

  Don't you have to throw your legs over your head?

• 54:38Matt McCusker?

  I don't know. I definitely, I was just curious. I don't think I would have done it, but I was like, could I? And I was like, yeah, not even close.

• 54:43Speaker 02

  If you can do it, you would have. I mean.

• 54:44Matt McCusker?

  Oh, yeah. La Mer's making tutorial videos. Really? Yeah, every time La Mer makes a video, I get a million people DMing me.

• 54:52Speaker 02

  What's tutorial?

• 54:53Matt McCusker?

  You gotta shut this shit down. It's him on a jujitsu mat trying to suck his own dick.

• 54:57Speaker 02

  Really?

• 54:58Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it was a self fuck tutorial.

• 54:59Speaker 02

  Really?

• 55:02Matt McCusker?

  Hiding a laugh and then going, keep going.

• 55:06Matt McCusker?

  How did you, what, what have you, uh, what do you show? How to, do you actually show how to do it? I was just trying to practice the rolling it in technique, you know?

• 55:14Speaker 02

  There's various techniques.

• 55:16Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, there's several techniques. That's more like, yeah.

• 55:18Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 55:19Matt McCusker?

  I came, yeah, I came across one of your combatants on a, uh, flight. Yeah. I came across a guy that said he's been wrestling with you. He said you're a son of a gun. I was like, you've been beating La Mer's ass. He goes, La Mer's a fucking tough ticket.

• 55:30Speaker 02

  When you said combatants, I meant like an ex lover. That's what I thought. Someone went toe to toe with you.

• 55:36Matt McCusker?

  Perhaps a future lover.

• 55:37Speaker 02

  Are you wrestling with him there?

• 55:38Matt McCusker?

  Uh, just a little bit. He's been wrestling down there.

• 55:41Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, bro. That's sick. You gotta, I think you'd be really good at it.

• 55:43Matt McCusker?

  Thank you. Yeah, there's.

• 55:45Speaker 02

  Nate?

• 55:46Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. They're training for a fight. Deadly squad.

• 55:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 55:51Matt McCusker?

  Go throw hands with all the comics we don't like. It'll be nice.

• 55:54Speaker 02

  Dang.

• 55:56Matt McCusker?

  What's your, what's your boxing protocol right now? My protocol? Yeah, like what do you, what's the training session consist of? I'm just, I'm just learning the ones and twos, threes. I just learned the three. Nice. Hopefully I'm on the four next. Yee. Right hook, get a right hook going.

• 56:09Speaker 02

  Is uppercut a big part of the game?

• 56:11Matt McCusker?

  Uh, it is, but not for me. I, I thought I could, I thought I had a little bit. I got nothing. Isn't that three? Huh? That's left hook. Uh, I'm assuming, uh, it's like six, yeah. Yeah, uppercut's right trigger, circle.

• 56:25Speaker 02

  What's fireball?

• 56:27Matt McCusker?

  That's what I wanna learn. Damn, we getting ready for the bar punching machine.

• 56:32Matt McCusker?

  He did, he did good at it the other day. We went bowling. I've been doing good, but I did. Yeah. You lost it, but, but he lost to his girlfriend at the bar. Well, that's, that's an indictment on, uh, everybody. She'd know you lost to her and then she told you, I'll knock you out and you took it.

• 56:51Speaker 02

  She literally.

• 56:52Matt McCusker?

  I could knock you out. What was the score? With confidence. You're lying. See, they're, they turn, they turn on.

• 56:58Speaker 02

  Yeah, look as soon as they can.

• 57:00Matt McCusker?

  They'll never be able to attack me. They divide, they divide and collapse.

• 57:04Speaker 02

  This is the council of Ghent.

• 57:06Matt McCusker?

  It would be easy. Like, okay, see, why are you going first on me? That's kinda fucked up. Why doesn't he go first?

• 57:13Matt McCusker?

  What was, what numbers were, is everybody putting up? Yeah, I had nine thirty.

• 57:19Speaker 02

  Hell, yeah.

• 57:22Matt McCusker?

  He just stole, he stole her. You're saying he's lying right now? I'm not lying. You're lying about the punch. I didn't hit nine. I hit nine. What did she get? He did get higher than me. He got like eight, oh my bad. He got like eight thirty. Is this a copper tank? This is a copper tank. He did not get nine. Nobody got nine. I had, I had like one bad one where I got like a five, but I hurt my thumb. I threw a bad, I tried to show off.

• 57:42Speaker 02

  You hurt your thumb?

• 57:43Matt McCusker?

  What did you throw? One or two? His thumb was inside of his fist. I tried to throw a four. He hadn't taught me a four and, uh,

• 57:54Matt McCusker?

  the four fucking ruined my thumb. But La Mer did not hit a nine anything. We gotta go, we gotta go. No. We'll, we'll see.

• 58:05Speaker 02

  He had to cut a promo on his ass, La Mer. Come on.

• 58:09Matt McCusker?

  I don't have to do that. Dude, I was at an arcade recently and a little boy asked me, he was, he was chasing tickets. He goes, can you punch the thing for me so I can get the tickets? I said, you got it, little boy. One of the, one of the proudest moments of my life. I fucking socked that thing. Yeah. It was, it was a little boy and his mother and I said, take the boy. Mama was there too? Mama was there. I said, hey, little boy, go sit on your mother's lap. Watch what a man can do.

• 58:31Speaker 02

  Keep it warm for me.

• 58:34Matt McCusker?

  Why don't you warm that fucking lap up? Sorry, I don't have a dad. Watch this. Here I go. And I just socked the shit out of it.

• 58:41Matt McCusker?

  I said, you got a good boy there, man.

• 58:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 58:43Matt McCusker?

  Raise him well. School.

• 58:44Speaker 02

  I had a similar thing at a ski ball where my niece needed like 40 tickets, so I just stood by the side of the ski ball thing and just put my arm right in the 500, just over and over again. Yeah.

• 58:53Matt McCusker?

  You can cheat so bad.

• 58:55Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 58:55Matt McCusker?

  It's, yeah.

• 58:56Speaker 02

  And every parent's like, like no one's tattling. Everyone's like, yeah, yeah, we all paid eight hundred dollars.

• 59:01Matt McCusker?

  Fucks you over so bad. They, they, they're like, those power cards now, dude, you put like 50 bucks on it, it's gone in like 30 minutes.

• 59:08Speaker 02

  It's like 13 credits somehow per swipe.

• 59:11Matt McCusker?

  Fast.

• 59:11Speaker 02

  Yeah, I know.

• 59:12Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it's, I have no, if you're in the arcade gift shop, I say, take something. There was one time.

• 59:18Speaker 02

  Pay the teen behind the counter. They'll give you whatever the fuck they want.

• 59:20Matt McCusker?

  I'm like, hey, cause I, the one time, Mike, cause like if your kids don't get equal fucking tickets, then like one gets one thing. Like, I can't get it. I should be like, you should be fucking better at the claw game, dumbass. But you have to be like, can I just give you 10 bucks for that? So we can both get two stuffed animals? And there was a time before where like I was just like, go. It's like, you have it? I'm like, just get the fuck out of here. Fuck these guys. I don't feel like going, we're not playing more games. I like, yo, you're on your own. Go ahead. They can't try you. Go walk out of here. I'll, I'll keep an eye on these guys. Yeah, that's a great move.

• 59:51Speaker 02

  Go. Start the car.

• 59:54Matt McCusker?

  You gotta teach your kids early. I, I looked around and said, hey, man, you can, you can leave if you want. I'm not in charge of this place. I don't give a fuck. She got out. Oh, Brittany was so mad. She's, you're a piece of shit. Can't believe you let her do that. I was like, bro, we spent like fucking a hundred fifty bucks. In the defense of the arcade staff though. Every single parent's coming up and doing the same. Yeah, for sure. They, they gotta control this. And that's, they said no, wasn't even mad at them. I said, no problem. Yeah.

• 1:00:19Speaker 02

  I think we learned that trick of bribing from the carnival midway. So you're used to bribing carneys like on the boardwalk and then you go to like, you know, a corporate family fun center and there's no way they're gonna let you wet the beach.

• 1:00:30Matt McCusker?

  Here's a fucking, here's a Hamilton, bro. Look the other way.

• 1:00:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:00:34Matt McCusker?

  Here's a fucking crispy yellow tent.

• 1:00:35Speaker 02

  Buy a dime with this, bud.

• 1:00:37Matt McCusker?

  Here's a dub. You're a real tough customer? Here's a dub, fucking. I need a peaceful ride home. I don't want them fucking screaming about a stuffed animal. That's Phil's phone. Oh, it's gotta be the death ring.

• 1:00:50Matt McCusker?

  My dad's phone is on a million every time. Alerts have been.

• 1:00:56Matt McCusker?

  It's like an ambulance.

• 1:01:00Speaker 00

  This guy won the US Open.

• 1:01:02Speaker 02

  Bro.

• 1:01:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, great.

• 1:01:03Matt McCusker?

  Over the phone, it's just, it's just one letter at a time, like.

• 1:01:06Speaker 00

  Also, he's, I can't make fun of him because I'm on the same exact thing, but the Ring Cam loves talking on the Ring Cam. Oh, I farted into the Ring Cam while the mayor was outside.

• 1:01:14Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 1:01:15Speaker 00

  I sent him a fart from New York. Threw a doorbell in Texas. Pretty incredible.

• 1:01:21Speaker 02

  They say technology's bad.

• 1:01:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, they say technology is bad.

• 1:01:23Matt McCusker?

  He's got a clip Zuckerberg in, like, the whole goal is sickening, X humanity.

• 1:01:28Speaker 02

  And that is, that is, that is male friendship.

• 1:01:31Matt McCusker?

  I mean, sending a fart from New York is.

• 1:01:33Speaker 00

  Airmailed.

• 1:01:34Matt McCusker?

  Alexander Graham Bell would have just been like, finally.

• 1:01:37Speaker 00

  Yes, they did it. Also, a white guy and a black guy.

• 1:01:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:01:40Speaker 00

  New York, Texas.

• 1:01:41Speaker 02

  Having fun.

• 1:01:41Speaker 00

  The country is together.

• 1:01:43Matt McCusker?

  That's true.

• 1:01:43Speaker 00

  Two forty, forty year old pieces of shit farting.

• 1:01:48Speaker 02

  Next comes the actual tube so we can smell it like Futurama.

• 1:01:52Matt McCusker?

  The bank tube?

• 1:01:53Speaker 00

  We can't send smells. We're not ready to send smells. This smells that men will be requesting.

• 1:02:00Speaker 02

  And sending. Unrequested, it will be worse.

• 1:02:03Speaker 00

  And then be on the other end of that going, not what I was hoping that was gonna be.

• 1:02:06Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:08Speaker 02

  Dude, if you could put the smell of like all day airport underwear, you know, like when you had a layover.

• 1:02:15Speaker 00

  Now you're talking, the Japanese are frothing for this technology. I'm surprised they haven't invented it.

• 1:02:20Matt McCusker?

  There's gotta be a way it could like detect the certain particles and yeah, and so here's the approximation. Hey dude, AI is upon us. We'll get, we'll get some farts.

• 1:02:29Speaker 00

  I'll be able to toss the mayor some farts via my Ring Cam.

• 1:02:32Speaker 02

  You'll be among the first.

• 1:02:33Matt McCusker?

  You can have it where he has to sniff at the end of the house. You knock. The bank tube, it's like a bank tube. The canister pops up. You watch, go, go ahead.

• 1:02:45Speaker 02

  That's Shane's, this is Shane's house.

• 1:02:46Speaker 00

  Now you can play your games.

• 1:02:48Matt McCusker?

  Although you're a noise monster, though.

• 1:02:50Speaker 00

  I am a noise monster, unfortunately.

• 1:02:51Matt McCusker?

  You're more of, you're more noise.

• 1:02:52Speaker 00

  Unfortunately.

• 1:02:53Matt McCusker?

  You're more bark than bite. He doesn't, it doesn't smell. Whole fart, it's so loud. It's like not even a drop.

• 1:02:59Speaker 02

  I have a similar situation where my wife's, you can't hear them, but they are the worst.

• 1:03:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, girls, dogs, O'Connor. O'Connor, Matt's got a bit of, he's got some bite.

• 1:03:09Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I can, I can get some bite going.

• 1:03:11Speaker 00

  It's usually guys focused on their diet that have.

• 1:03:13Matt McCusker?

  Yep.

• 1:03:13Speaker 00

  Insane shit. O'Connor, though, I don't know how he does it.

• 1:03:18Speaker 00

  But, because he is not focused on his diet.

• 1:03:20Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, they have some, some bad ones.

• 1:03:22Speaker 00

  He uncorks.

• 1:03:23Matt McCusker?

  Well, dude, if you have a problem with dairy, then you can clear out a room. That's dairy farts are like, if you're like lactose intolerant, are the worst of the worst. So bad.

• 1:03:32Speaker 02

  I shared a room with my buddy Nathan, uh, like two weeks ago and I woke up before him and fuck, it smelled so bad in there, dude. And I knew it was him and I just had to like go sit in the lobby for like two hours until he woke up and I came back in and it still fucking reeked. Like, like old, like you wake up and you're afraid, like something bad's going on. Like, like you're in a barn and it's on fire. Yeah.

• 1:03:54Matt McCusker?

  Smell, yeah. Smelling a fart that you didn't even hear is like.

• 1:03:58Speaker 02

  You just wake up caked.

• 1:03:59Matt McCusker?

  I thought it's my own car, where you like fart in your car, get out, handle bits, come back in, you go.

• 1:04:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'll get in a day later.

• 1:04:10Speaker 02

  Or like a grandma's car. Grandma's car will reek.

• 1:04:12Speaker 00

  O'Connor put on a clinic, uh, last weekend.

• 1:04:16Matt McCusker?

  What happened?

• 1:04:16Speaker 00

  We, when we went to the Wisconsin Notre Dame game, but we were leaving after the game. So we went staying there in Wisconsin. So I was like, let's just get one hotel room, just for guys to, if you got a dump, if you got a shower.

• 1:04:29Matt McCusker?

  That's nice.

• 1:04:30Speaker 00

  So there was about.

• 1:04:30Matt McCusker?

  Locker room, you had a locker room.

• 1:04:31Speaker 00

  Six of us in there. Obviously, O'Connor takes the liberty of taking the first dump. Unannounced dump. Just goes, hits it. It smelled up the entire room. I go in to take a piss twenty minutes after him.

• 1:04:45Matt McCusker?

  Oh, no.

• 1:04:46Speaker 00

  I come out, he's loosening his hips. He's stretching on the ground.

• 1:04:49Matt McCusker?

  Oh.

• 1:04:51Matt McCusker?

  That's crazy.

• 1:04:51Speaker 00

  He's laying on the ground stretching.

• 1:04:54Matt McCusker?

  He's like in tears.

• 1:04:54Speaker 00

  And I was like, was that you? And he was like, yeah, what? I was like, we had to open the door of the hotel room.

• 1:05:01Speaker 02

  Into the hallway?

• 1:05:03Speaker 00

  We had to release it into the hallway. It stunk for, it literally smelled in that bathroom for close to two hours.

• 1:05:09Speaker 02

  Travel with candles.

• 1:05:10Speaker 00

  And then there was a big debate between the fellows, because he was like, just turn the shower on.

• 1:05:14Speaker 02

  Oh, no.

• 1:05:15Speaker 00

  And I was like, that's gonna make it way worse.

• 1:05:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, because then it clings to the steam. Then you have a blanket of shit smell.

• 1:05:20Speaker 00

  That's what I said.

• 1:05:21Speaker 02

  I know every trick. That one doesn't work.

• 1:05:22Matt McCusker?

  Matches kills it. You gotta be mad.

• 1:05:24Speaker 00

  Matches are great.

• 1:05:25Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:26Speaker 00

  He was, there was a slight debate over the shower thing. He got into his, he uses pseudoscience instantly.

• 1:05:32Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:33Speaker 00

  He's like, no, the molecules of the air will grab it and drop it to the ground with the weight and the fart will disappear.

• 1:05:39Speaker 02

  The fart gets in your hair.

• 1:05:41Speaker 00

  Into the floor, into your clothes.

• 1:05:43Matt McCusker?

  One of us is gonna sleep face down in it later.

• 1:05:45Speaker 02

  It's like a mud mask of fart. Ugh.

• 1:05:49Matt McCusker?

  No, I don't think that works like that.

• 1:05:51Speaker 00

  I've, I've told him, I was like, I've taken plenty of steamers.

• 1:05:54Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:54Speaker 00

  Turn the, if a girl's over, you go, I got, I have to shower.

• 1:05:57Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:59Speaker 02

  You climb out the window and the dog throws you shit outside.

• 1:06:01Speaker 00

  This is way worse.

• 1:06:05Speaker 00

  You can see this fart coming out.

• 1:06:07Matt McCusker?

  That's what Ozium does. When you spray Ozium, it like catches this, like every molecule out of the air and just fucking.

• 1:06:12Speaker 00

  We tried it. We, I tried it in Lemare's room. There's cans of Ozium laying around.

• 1:06:16Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, dude.

• 1:06:17Speaker 02

  Wasn't he huffing those?

• 1:06:19Speaker 00

  It did kinda work, but then the room just smelled like chemicals.

• 1:06:22Matt McCusker?

  Probably the fat, yeah. That stuff's nasty.

• 1:06:25Speaker 00

  At this point, that, that room is, uh.

• 1:06:29Speaker 02

  Is this the room out there?

• 1:06:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:06:31Speaker 02

  Are you just gonna like burn it down when you move out?

• 1:06:33Matt McCusker?

  You have to like remove the drywall.

• 1:06:34Speaker 00

  Be destroyed, yeah.

• 1:06:37Speaker 00

  We were in the pool the other day. He opened the door and the smell got into the pool. You could smell the smoke from.

• 1:06:45Matt McCusker?

  Dude, all you gotta do is step outside and blaze.

• 1:06:49Speaker 02

  You're smoking blunts in there?

• 1:06:51Speaker 00

  He's smoking everything in there.

• 1:06:53Speaker 02

  Smoking meats? What are you smoking in there, brisket?

• 1:06:56Speaker 00

  Smoking, you know?

• 1:06:57Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that's crazy, dude.

• 1:06:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, but smoking inside is pretty sick, especially when it's not your place. You know what I mean? Like, that, that's really sweet.

• 1:07:05Speaker 00

  It's really, really dominating somebody else.

• 1:07:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:07:08Speaker 00

  Phil got a little taste of Lemare this week. It's been nice. We came back, we got dinner last night and we came back and he was like, he just walked past me and he was like, you gotta get Monday night football on. Lemare's got fucking wrestling on.

• 1:07:22Speaker 00

  Welcome. Welcome to the show.

• 1:07:28Speaker 02

  How do you get along with old Phil?

• 1:07:30Speaker 00

  They get along great.

• 1:07:31Speaker 02

  I bet it works out.

• 1:07:31Speaker 00

  It's a good partnership.

• 1:07:32Matt McCusker?

  Phil rules.

• 1:07:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:07:34Speaker 00

  I don't know if we're allowed to talk about it. He met your lady. We can edit it there if we have to. He was, he was, she was like, she's so nice.

• 1:07:40Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:41Speaker 00

  And then, of course, the next question.

• 1:07:44Matt McCusker?

  How the fuck, uh?

• 1:07:47Speaker 00

  What's going on there?

• 1:07:50Speaker 02

  Classic dad follow up.

• 1:07:51Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:53Speaker 02

  What are you doing with this bum? Yeah, exactly.

• 1:07:55Matt McCusker?

  You ever bring a girl to like your uncle's, it's every time, like, what are you doing with this fucking piece of shit?

• 1:07:59Speaker 02

  He's got the talent family curse, talking about your penis.

• 1:08:04Speaker 02

  What?

• 1:08:04Speaker 00

  It's insane, the shit they say. Phil has a real knack of just being like, are you guys, uh, she hasn't left you yet? I'm like, dude, why do you ask that? Every time. So far, he's a hundred percent right, though.

• 1:08:20Speaker 00

  So maybe, so far, he's, he's got it right. Phil. Phil.

• 1:08:30Speaker 00

  What are you doing back there?

• 1:08:36Speaker 00

  Nice.

• 1:08:36Matt McCusker?

  Talking to your mother?

• 1:08:37Speaker 00

  Talking to my mom.

• 1:08:38Matt McCusker?

  Oh, yeah?

• 1:08:38Speaker 00

  That's sweet. Still communicating.

• 1:08:40Matt McCusker?

  That's nice.

• 1:08:41Speaker 00

  What? I sent her a picture of Phil yesterday to the group chat and she was like, Phil, you need to change. You've been wearing that outfit for three days. He's been in the same outfit for three days.

• 1:08:51Speaker 02

  The cat's away.

• 1:08:52Speaker 00

  Dude, the second, he's not with my mom. He is a fucking wreck, dude. It's crazy.

• 1:08:59Speaker 00

  He got bombed at the Chili's.

• 1:09:03Speaker 00

  And then yesterday laid on the couch. The whole day. I put on The Sopranos. He's, so he watched season two of The Sopranos, just half asleep the entire time, just.

• 1:09:16Speaker 00

  I was like, dude, go to sleep. He's like, I'm watching this.

• 1:09:21Speaker 02

  Dads can't sleep in their beds during the day. They can sleep everywhere else. But that's, that's what a lazy bones does. So they have to get up out of bed and then walk thirty feet and then just be in the way all day.

• 1:09:31Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, back.

• 1:09:31Speaker 02

  And then you're like, hey, man, why don't you go take a nap? And they're like.

• 1:09:34Matt McCusker?

  Kicked my ass.

• 1:09:35Speaker 00

  Yeah. I haven't been around him a lot lately. I didn't realize he doesn't drink. It explains why we always had milk. He doesn't drink water.

• 1:09:40Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:41Speaker 02

  Oh, no.

• 1:09:41Speaker 00

  I gotta give him water. I gotta, dude, you gotta drink this. He's like, I don't like water.

• 1:09:45Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:46Speaker 02

  What? He likes to be preferred milk?

• 1:09:48Speaker 00

  Oh, he crushes milk.

• 1:09:50Matt McCusker?

  I have an uncle that's.

• 1:09:50Speaker 02

  What percentage?

• 1:09:51Speaker 00

  Two percent.

• 1:09:52Matt McCusker?

  Nice, that's some water.

• 1:09:53Speaker 02

  Reasonable.

• 1:09:54Matt McCusker?

  My, my one uncle, my one uncle is ginger ale. It's ginger ale, milk or beer. Waters, it's like you, it's like drinking piss to him. He's just like.

• 1:10:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, it doesn't taste good.

• 1:10:03Matt McCusker?

  Gatorade. If it's a hundred degrees, he'll drink Gatorade. That's it.

• 1:10:07Speaker 02

  I never saw my grandfather drink a glass of water.

• 1:10:09Speaker 00

  They don't drink water.

• 1:10:09Speaker 02

  Ever once. He would make his own Pepsi in the fridge out of like, uh, like chocolate milk and like old, he was trying to recreate the old Pepsi recipes. So he's had a jug. And he would like sip it while like mowing his lawn with his shirt off. It's just brown water.

• 1:10:24Speaker 00

  Women, women struggle with water, too. That's why they all have those fucking giant cups.

• 1:10:27Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 1:10:28Speaker 00

  They go, I have to drink this.

• 1:10:30Matt McCusker?

  You gotta stay on their ass, too.

• 1:10:31Speaker 00

  Fucking chug it.

• 1:10:31Matt McCusker?

  But dude, it's the same water for three days. They don't even, they just carry them around. They look cool. Women don't drink water.

• 1:10:36Speaker 02

  It's growing mold in there.

• 1:10:37Matt McCusker?

  It smells like a fucking turtle tank. Every time, every time I open my wife's thing, I'm like, bro, when's the last time you changed this fucking water?

• 1:10:43Speaker 02

  Toads jumping into it.

• 1:10:45Speaker 00

  That's where the fucking toads have been going.

• 1:10:46Matt McCusker?

  I always open up, I'm like, Jesus fucking Christ. I'm trying, I'm trying to drink it.

• 1:10:50Speaker 00

  Smelled a Stanley car. That's disgusting.

• 1:10:52Speaker 02

  It's so bad. My wife leaves them by the sink. Yeah, it stinks so bad.

• 1:10:55Matt McCusker?

  The girls have fucking pond water in those things. They don't drink it.

• 1:10:59Speaker 02

  You gotta remember to wash them.

• 1:11:01Speaker 00

  Pond water all day. I wonder if they're so mean all the time.

• 1:11:05Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, they have fucking babies.

• 1:11:06Speaker 00

  Pond water.

• 1:11:07Speaker 02

  Tummy full of swamp.

• 1:11:09Speaker 00

  That's for real. That's why I'm like, I don't feel good.

• 1:11:11Speaker 02

  I'm tired. I have to watch S V U for six hours.

• 1:11:14Matt McCusker?

  What's that shit dogs get, uh, vaxxed for if they drink a puddle?

• 1:11:18Speaker 02

  Barvo?

• 1:11:18Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it's such shit. They have like, they have like the puddle disease.

• 1:11:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:11:21Matt McCusker?

  Like a squirrel peas in it.

• 1:11:24Speaker 02

  Don't they lay eggs? Like bugs lay eggs in there and then the dogs drink them? And that's how they get like worms and shit?

• 1:11:29Matt McCusker?

  Vax for puddle disease. If a deer pees in a puddle and a dog drinks it, they.

• 1:11:33Speaker 00

  It's like a Chinese proverb.

• 1:11:34Matt McCusker?

  Some bullshit. Yeah, yeah. I always argue the vet with that. I'm like, my dogs don't drink a fucking puddle. Well, if they do, I'm like.

• 1:11:42Speaker 00

  Your dogs are definitely Jackson's scarfing puddles, dude.

• 1:11:44Matt McCusker?

  He was eating, he was eating a mud puddle actually the other day. But also, I'm like.

• 1:11:48Speaker 00

  Whatever happens to Jackson?

• 1:11:49Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, man, he's fucking blind.

• 1:11:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:11:51Matt McCusker?

  Walking in, every now, now his new thing is he'll like walk into a room and just go, and just stand there. Like, yo, what are you doing? He just goes.

• 1:11:59Matt McCusker?

  Jackson, what the fuck you doing over there?

• 1:12:00Speaker 00

  Jackson's a legend.

• 1:12:01Matt McCusker?

  Oh, he's so funny.

• 1:12:03Speaker 02

  Eating, eating mud reminds me of a field trip and there was this kid, um, you know, he was a good kid, but maybe a little slower. And, uh, we were at like, out in the middle of nowhere, uh, in Colorado. And my teacher was one of those cool teachers, you know, who's like, knows the kid's slow, but like, hey, we're gonna include him. So this kid fucking like comes back from like the middle of nowhere and he just has covered like his whole face is covered in mud. And my teacher was like, leave him alone. He thinks it's cake. Which didn't help at all, but like, that was his like spur of the moment.

• 1:12:32Speaker 00

  I gotta, I gotta say, for some reason of like, you know, like how like people from Louisville call it Louisville. For some reason, when people call it Colorado.

• 1:12:41Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:12:42Speaker 00

  I'm like, you're wrong.

• 1:12:43Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah?

• 1:12:43Speaker 00

  Even though you're from there.

• 1:12:44Speaker 02

  Uh, how did I said it Colorado?

• 1:12:46Speaker 00

  Colorado.

• 1:12:47Speaker 02

  Yeah, Colorado.

• 1:12:48Speaker 00

  It's how everybody.

• 1:12:49Matt McCusker?

  How do you say it?

• 1:12:50Speaker 00

  Colorado.

• 1:12:50Speaker 02

  Colorado?

• 1:12:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:12:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, interesting. My grandfather from Mississippi called it Colorado.

• 1:12:55Speaker 00

  Colorado.

• 1:12:55Matt McCusker?

  Colorado is awesome.

• 1:12:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's awesome. He put some stink on it.

• 1:12:58Speaker 00

  An old prospect.

• 1:12:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's like, Colorado. Colorado do what a do, baby.

• 1:13:02Speaker 00

  You know what I mean? For some reason, I don't know.

• 1:13:04Speaker 02

  I get it.

• 1:13:04Speaker 00

  Colorado. You know, these people.

• 1:13:06Matt McCusker?

  I didn't even notice that.

• 1:13:07Speaker 00

  I guess it's just cause they're from Colorado. I go, you guys are nuts.

• 1:13:10Speaker 02

  That's how Soder says it too, right?

• 1:13:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:13:11Speaker 02

  Yeah. Yeah, we allegedly don't have an accent. We have the High Plains accent, which is why all the call setters were in Nebraska and Kansas and, but like, I don't know. I've never noticed it. I don't like when people say Colorado.

• 1:13:24Speaker 00

  Colorado.

• 1:13:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, they put some stink in the middle.

• 1:13:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:13:27Matt McCusker?

  Shit. Yeah, I didn't realize the extent like between the cities. I didn't know Colorado was like a wasteland.

• 1:13:33Speaker 02

  Dude, empty.

• 1:13:34Matt McCusker?

  Like for real, I've, everyone who lives there is like, it's a fucking like wasteland.

• 1:13:37Speaker 02

  Bro, between like Denver and Boulder and Fort Collins, like those are all the population centers and then the sprawl. But then man, like an hour from Denver where I grew up was like 800 people, didn't have a stoplight. Yeah, very boonies.

• 1:13:50Matt McCusker?

  What do you know about Pike's Peak?

• 1:13:51Speaker 02

  I know a lot. Zebulon Pike founded it. When you wake up at my parents' house, you can look out and see Pike's Peak every morning.

• 1:13:56Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 1:13:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:13:57Matt McCusker?

  Dang.

• 1:13:58Speaker 00

  We did, uh, we, in, in fifth grade, we had to do a report on mountains and I got Pike's Peak.

• 1:14:03Speaker 02

  It's a sick peak, yeah.

• 1:14:03Speaker 00

  Since I was a young man, I've always had a deep affinity for Pike's Peak.

• 1:14:07Speaker 02

  He was an explorer.

• 1:14:08Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I just got into it.

• 1:14:09Speaker 02

  Iraq on tour.

• 1:14:09Matt McCusker?

  At the Silver Boom right there.

• 1:14:11Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:14:11Matt McCusker?

  Who was the general who went and just massacred all the Indians?

• 1:14:14Speaker 02

  Kit Carson?

• 1:14:15Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I think so. He was like a priest.

• 1:14:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, the, uh, the Pooter Valley massacre.

• 1:14:19Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:20Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:14:20Matt McCusker?

  Nasty stuff.

• 1:14:21Speaker 02

  It's Pooter, so it made it tough to take serious.

• 1:14:23Matt McCusker?

  Did you ever get into his speech that he gave to like rouse the people to do it?

• 1:14:26Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:14:27Matt McCusker?

  He was, there was only women, it was squalls and children. And they're like, ah, they don't even have any braves. And he, I think he said, uh, nits make lice.

• 1:14:33Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, 100%.

• 1:14:34Matt McCusker?

  And murdered all the women and children.

• 1:14:36Speaker 00

  He was down here. He was down Texas.

• 1:14:38Matt McCusker?

  Was he really?

• 1:14:38Speaker 00

  Wasn't he a Texas?

• 1:14:39Matt McCusker?

  Oh, yeah. He, yeah, I think he did, he had like a little.

• 1:14:41Speaker 00

  He got the Comanche first.

• 1:14:42Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:42Speaker 02

  He set up shop in southeastern Colorado and they have one of those kinda like Williamsburg, where it's like an old fort, Fort Ben, uh, Old Ben's Fort. And you can walk in there and there's like a trapper and like a squaw and like they tell you stories and really do you around. It's awesome. I lived down there when my wife did, like, like after residency and it was brutal, but I went to Old Ben's Fort, stoned to the bone constantly. I'm like, new people there.

• 1:15:03Matt McCusker?

  That's awesome.

• 1:15:05Speaker 00

  I'm glad you discovered that. I've been there.

• 1:15:07Speaker 02

  You have been there?

• 1:15:09Speaker 00

  Yeah, I love Old Ben's Fort.

• 1:15:10Matt McCusker?

  Been to Colorado a bunch of times myself.

• 1:15:12Speaker 02

  I saw the picture of you.

• 1:15:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:15:13Speaker 02

  I think it was crazy you wore the headdress in it, but still.

• 1:15:15Matt McCusker?

  No, no.

• 1:15:19Speaker 00

  All right, that's a good app.

• 1:15:20Matt McCusker?

  Let's go. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Spotify.

• 1:15:26Speaker 00

  Do it.

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