MFM Minisode 439

This week’s hometowns include trash dad fun times (ahead of Father’s Day!) and a dachshund story. Support this podcast by shopping our latest sponsor deals and promotions at this link: https://bit.ly/3UFCn1g. See omnystudio.com/listener https://omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Karen Kilgariff?

  This is Exactly Right.

• 0:06Georgia Hardstark?

  Everyone loves the idea of spending an afternoon curled up with a good book.

• 0:10Karen Kilgariff?

  Well, grow up, because it's almost impossible.

• 0:12Georgia Hardstark?

  Luckily, you can take your next great story with you on Audible.

• 0:15Karen Kilgariff?

  Audible has a massive selection of titles to choose from, including This American Life, new books by Michael Connelly, along with classics from Magathah Christie, and so much more.

• 0:24Georgia Hardstark?

  Whether you want a mystery, a true crime story, or something completely different, there's always something new to listen to.

• 0:29Karen Kilgariff?

  New members can start listening with a 30-day free trial at audible.com/mfm.

• 0:34Georgia Hardstark?

  Audible, stories that speak to you.

• 0:36Karen Kilgariff?

  Goodbye. It's the season of green.

• 0:40Georgia Hardstark?

  This year, Ryobi has the deals you've been waiting for and the perfect gift for everyone on your list.

• 0:45Karen Kilgariff?

  Stick vacuums for that post-holiday mess, leaf blowers for tidying up the yard, speakers, fans, drills, nailers, and even snow blowers. Ryobi has it all.

• 0:54Georgia Hardstark?

  Big savings and more gifts than ever before.

• 0:57Karen Kilgariff?

  Right now, when you buy a select Ryobi kit, you get another tool free.

• 1:01Georgia Hardstark?

  Find your green at ryobitoles.com/murder.

• 1:05Karen Kilgariff?

  That's R-Y-O-B-I. Ryobi. Only at The Home Depot.

• 1:09Georgia Hardstark?

  Goodbye.

• 1:27Karen Kilgariff?

  Hello. And welcome.

• 1:31Georgia Hardstark?

  To My Favorite Murder.

• 1:32Karen Kilgariff?

  The minisode.

• 1:33Georgia Hardstark?

  So cute. So mini.

• 1:35Karen Kilgariff?

  Little. Quick.

• 1:36Georgia Hardstark?

  It's like a little Lego.

• 1:37Karen Kilgariff?

  Easy. Fun.

• 1:40Georgia Hardstark?

  What do you want to do? Want to go first? Do you want me to go first?

• 1:43Karen Kilgariff?

  I'll go first.

• 1:44Georgia Hardstark?

  Okay.

• 1:45Karen Kilgariff?

  The subject line of this email is, "Who Do You Call When Your Dad's in a Cult?"

• 1:48Georgia Hardstark?

  Oof.

• 1:50Karen Kilgariff?

  And it just starts, "There's no time for pleasantries." I have three young kids and barely time to type this email, so away we go. I knew my mother was raised for many years in a pretty strict evangelical religion. However, it wasn't until recently that she made a joke about that cult I was in while I grew up. That I realized she was actually in an honest to God motherfucking cult. Turns out she was raised as a member of a doomsday cult called the Worldwide Church of God, which was founded by radio and televangelist Herbert Armstrong in 1968. He preached that the world would end in 1975 due to World War III, and the doctrines were such that strict Sabbath was observed. Homosexuality, divorce, and remarriage were not acceptable,

• 2:34Karen Kilgariff?

  and medical treatment could only be sought for broken bones. And then in parentheses, it says, weird line to draw in the sand, if you ask me.

• 2:43Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah, that is pretty like specific.

• 2:47Karen Kilgariff?

  Appendix, fuck off.

• 2:48Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah.

• 2:49Karen Kilgariff?

  The church required hefty tithings and forbade the celebration of birthdays and pagan holidays. The services were two hours long every Saturday, and my mom had to travel.

• 2:58Georgia Hardstark?

  I know.

• 2:59Karen Kilgariff?

  And my mom had to travel two hours one way to go.

• 3:03Georgia Hardstark?

  I bet the drive was way more pleasant than the fucking sermon.

• 3:06Karen Kilgariff?

  For real. Every Saturday.

• 3:09Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah.

• 3:09Karen Kilgariff?

  One of my mom's memories from this time was always having to raise her hand at school as someone who wasn't allowed to participate in classroom celebrations for birthdays or other holidays.

• 3:18Georgia Hardstark?

  Oh, that's so heartbreaking.

• 3:20Karen Kilgariff?

  It's awful.

• 3:21Georgia Hardstark?

  But at least they got to go to public school, like regular school.

• 3:24Karen Kilgariff?

  Instead of Catholic school.

• 3:25Georgia Hardstark?

  Instead of the cults, whatever their school.

• 3:28Karen Kilgariff?

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 3:28Georgia Hardstark?

  You know.

• 3:29Karen Kilgariff?

  Yeah, that's right. And just get taught some weird shit. Dinosaurs' bones were buried by the devil.

• 3:35Georgia Hardstark?

  Or aliens, yeah.

• 3:36Karen Kilgariff?

  Or aliens.

• 3:37Georgia Hardstark?

  Someone.

• 3:37Karen Kilgariff?

  So the person had to raise their hand, basically saying, no holidays, no birthdays, Christmas included, because according to Armstrong, it had devolved into a pagan holiday too. My mom always felt embarrassed and singled out. She remembers desperately wanting to dress up for Halloween just once, but was never allowed.

• 3:54Georgia Hardstark?

  Oh.

• 3:55Karen Kilgariff?

  Now, this will surprise exactly none of you, but it turns out Mr. Herbert Armstrong was a total piece of shit. After his wife died, while he was in his 80s, he married a 38-year-old woman from his congregation and subsequently divorced her. He was operating conversion therapy camps for queer and mentally ill children and teens that reportedly employed physical torture in addition to the emotional and mental torture that goes along with it.

• 4:19Georgia Hardstark?

  Jesus.

• 4:20Karen Kilgariff?

  And this train never comes late. He was an alleged pedophile who molested his own daughter for years, never have held accountable for any of it, and he died at age 93. I'm not sure, and neither is my mom, what finally led my grandparents to break away from the cult, but they did while my mom was in high school. In fact, my grandparents were never involved in another religion ever again. My grandma Dee was a badass who worked her way to a master's degree in education while raising three kids.

• 4:48Georgia Hardstark?

  Wow.

• 4:49Karen Kilgariff?

  Taught special needs children, adopted three sibling teenagers in need from one of her classes, became a school board member and was a court-appointed special advocate for kids in the foster system for years.

• 5:00Georgia Hardstark?

  Oh my God, she's making up for lost shitty time.

• 5:03Karen Kilgariff?

  Yep. She was like, fine, I'll just be a living saint then. My grandpa Bob never went past an eighth grade education, but he started his own extremely successful heavy equipment repair shop, fixing equipment like bulldozers, and was an incredibly loving and involved grandfather and father. I lost my grandmother to cancer and my grandfather to Alzheimer's, and I miss them both, and I still can't wrap my mind around what my grandparents must have been like during those years, and I was never able to talk to them about it. My mom and her siblings all turned out to be badasses, just like their post-cult parents. None of them ever joined another cult, so I'd call that a success.

• 5:39Georgia Hardstark?

  A hundred percent.

• 5:42Karen Kilgariff?

  Yep. Just the one, and you're out.

• 5:44Georgia Hardstark?

  All it takes is don't join a cult.

• 5:47Karen Kilgariff?

  Again. Stay sexy and maybe just leave your kids out of it if you join a cult, S.

• 5:53Georgia Hardstark?

  Wow. That's just legit, like exactly what, and they made it out, and they're okay.

• 6:00Karen Kilgariff?

  Yeah, they did. They did. Yeah.

• 6:02Georgia Hardstark?

  Incredible.

• 6:03Karen Kilgariff?

  So sad when it's that thing of like, I don't celebrate that. I, I overheard a little kid, like, there was a little kid messing around in this, in line at the pharmacy over the holidays. And there was a lady talking, being like, and what, are you gonna ask Santa for Christmas? He's like, we don't celebrate Christmas. I was just like, uh, like, we don't celebrate holidays, he said, because it was-

• 6:23Georgia Hardstark?

  Holidays, okay. Well, I was like, oh, that's so sad. Like, wait, I don't celebrate Christmas.

• 6:26Karen Kilgariff?

  No, I know. I meant, uh, it was basically like, we don't get to do that. And then it was just this, like, feeling of like, uh, that just-

• 6:33Georgia Hardstark?

  Uh, there's this post on, on Instagram, I'm sure you've seen on TikTok, where it's like, this little, like, it's this, like, Christian family, we don't celebrate, they're all dressed up as like, the Wizard of Oz. And then, it's, the caption says, like, we don't celebrate Halloween, because it's a pagan holiday. However, on this day, we do like to dress up and have candy. And the comments are like, that's fucking Halloween. That's the only, that's the only thing that Halloween is.

• 6:57Karen Kilgariff?

  Yeah.

• 6:57Georgia Hardstark?

  Literally, you're celebrating Halloween.

• 6:59Karen Kilgariff?

  And directly pagan, or whatever. I think Celtic, or something.

• 7:02Georgia Hardstark?

  You're right. Okay. Okay. Mine's called Classic Hometown Plus Manson Family Connection.

• 7:08Karen Kilgariff?

  Hmm.

• 7:09Georgia Hardstark?

  Hello Karen in Georgia. My family has always lived in Southern California. Irvine may not be for Georgia, but I sure love it.

• 7:16Karen Kilgariff?

  I mean, okay.

• 7:17Georgia Hardstark?

  No, it's, I get it. It's a beautiful, beautiful place that I hated.

• 7:22Karen Kilgariff?

  It's all the experience.

• 7:23Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah. My first story takes place in San Luis Obispo about 10 years ago, where my husband's Uncle Ron found himself retired after many years of being an attorney. He hung up his suit, brushed out his hair, and became quite the free spirit. He joined a golfing foursome that would get together weekly. One of the dudes in their foursome had some weird vibes, so much so, the group decided it would be best not to invite Weird Vibes Man back the following week.

• 7:49Karen Kilgariff?

  Yeah.

• 7:49Georgia Hardstark?

  I'm picturing Vince and Chris Fairbanks.

• 7:53Georgia Hardstark?

  Who's who in this story? Heading to the course that day, Uncle Ron left his wallet at home. He turned around to retrieve it, followed by him arriving at the golf course a few minutes late. As he parked, he saw the Weird Vibes man running out of the pro shop into his car in a hurry. He was confused as to why he was even there, but headed inside to meet the group. Turns out Weird Vibes man had found out about their scheme to not include him, so, all caps, he showed up to the course to shoot the other men in their foursome.

• 8:21Karen Kilgariff?

  Holy shit.

• 8:22Georgia Hardstark?

  That's a, yeah, it's a reaction. When Uncle Ron walked into the pro shop, the two other men were on the ground with gunshot wounds. If Uncle Ron hadn't forgotten his wallet that day, he would have certainly met the same unfortunate fate. The men recovered and the Weird Vibes shooter man was apprehended and Uncle Ron lives to tell the tale at family functions.

• 8:43Karen Kilgariff?

  God.

• 8:45Georgia Hardstark?

  Side note, my grandma's cousin dated Leslie Van Houten in high school and knew her. Leslie Van Houten is a former member of the Manson family and was convicted of the La Bianca murders in Los Feliz, California. They attended Monrovia High School together with my grandma and even ran away together at 17 years old. They broke up after high school, but he regularly went to visit her in prison after being arrested for the murders.

• 9:08Karen Kilgariff?

  Wow.

• 9:09Georgia Hardstark?

  I know. He passed away a few years ago before being able to see Van Houten released from prison in July 2023 and placed on parole. Sharon Tate's sister was quoted then, when she was released, saying, quote, "Is she a nice girl? No. Is she an animal? I think she was then and I fear that she still is. Thank you for keeping me company on my long commutes to work and your continued advocacy for mental health and wellbeing. Stay sexy, skip the country club and retire in peace and don't get murdered. Riley, she/her."

• 9:39Karen Kilgariff?

  Wow. That's wild.

• 9:41Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah.

• 9:42Karen Kilgariff?

  I'm so glad that those people survived.

• 9:44Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah.

• 9:44Karen Kilgariff?

  I thought that was like a massacre story.

• 9:47Georgia Hardstark?

  Totally. And the thing about high school too, like I have a friend who's one of closest friends in high school, killed someone and they went to prison and it's that grappling thing of like, are you the person I knew before it happened or are you the person after or is there some combination of the two and what do I do with that?

• 10:05Karen Kilgariff?

  Yes.

• 10:06Georgia Hardstark?

  You know?

• 10:06Karen Kilgariff?

  Yes. Were you hiding behind a mask and the truth is that you did that or was that just a weird break and it wasn't you at all?

• 10:16Georgia Hardstark?

  Totally, totally.

• 10:17Karen Kilgariff?

  Like it was, yeah.

• 10:18Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah. Yeah. That's heavy. The holidays are coming, which means we'll all be spending more time away from home.

• 10:26Karen Kilgariff?

  Whether you're visiting family or doing something actually fun, you want to know your home is protected while you're away.

• 10:32Georgia Hardstark?

  That's why now is a good time to think about home security with SimpliSafe.

• 10:35Karen Kilgariff?

  Unlike traditional security systems that alert you after a break-in starts, SimpliSafe is designed to help stop intruders before they get inside. These days, you're worried about your house, you're out of town, and then something comes up and you get to look on your phone and SimpliSafe is going to show you not only the video of like, it's a raccoon at your front door, but also that they have staff that's sitting there, they already know. And if it was something different or worse, they would have already been on it.

• 11:01Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah, I really think that's invaluable peace of mind that just like relying on your neighbors, paying attention is not going to give you. We've partnered with SimpliSafe to offer our listeners their biggest savings of the year, 70% off your new system with professional monitoring when you visit simplisafe.com/mfm.

• 11:18Karen Kilgariff?

  That's simplisafe.com/mfm. And when you order, write in MFM at checkout and it tells them we sent you and it really helps the show.

• 11:26Georgia Hardstark?

  SimpliSafe, ahead of crime in real time.

• 11:29Karen Kilgariff?

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• 12:10Karen Kilgariff?

  for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code MURDER to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Goodbye.

• 12:20Karen Kilgariff?

  Let me lighten it up with some Trash Dad Fun Times, which is the subject line of this email.

• 12:24Georgia Hardstark?

  Okay.

• 12:25Karen Kilgariff?

  And happy Father's Day to all the trash dads and all the regular dads. But not to the good dads. They get enough of that.

• 12:32Georgia Hardstark?

  They really do. Those, all those mugs they get.

• 12:34Karen Kilgariff?

  God. This email starts, "Hi, yes, hello. Let's dive right in, shall we? It was the late 80s in Winnipeg, Manitoba, parentheses, Canada. My sister and I were four and five, and my mom was great at coming up with fun things for us to do that didn't cost a lot of coin. My dad decided it was his time to shine with a new idea: birdie rides. To be fair, it was one of our favorite activities until that one fateful day. What is a birdie ride? I'm glad you asked. Here are the steps to set up the birdie ride. Number one, lay a beach towel flat on the floor and have a child lie on their tummy across the towel so that the kid in the towel form a plus sign."

• 13:13Georgia Hardstark?

  Okay.

• 13:14Karen Kilgariff?

  Such a bad start.

• 13:16Georgia Hardstark?

  Oh, like I'm picturing like, is someone getting swung around? Someone's getting swung. I knew it. That means I've done it. Let's hear it.

• 13:23Karen Kilgariff?

  Number two, dad then grabs the two short ends of the towel together and lifts into the air, picking up the kid in the towel and swinging them around in the air. All caps, "Wii."

• 13:34Georgia Hardstark?

  Oh my, I have a sense memory of this somehow, you know?

• 13:38Karen Kilgariff?

  Yep. And it says, "What could go wrong? Now for some background. Money wasn't something we had a lot of, as my mom was a stay-at-home mom, which she ruled out. We lived in a little side-by-side with two bedrooms, which meant my sister and I shared a bedroom. It was no biggie because we were close in age, only 14 months apart. I love to say that my younger sister was an accident, to which my mom always replies, "She wasn't an accident. She simply wasn't planned. We always wanted two children."

• 14:06Georgia Hardstark?

  Mom, shut up.

• 14:07Karen Kilgariff?

  Don't get into it.

• 14:08Georgia Hardstark?

  You're ruining this.

• 14:10Karen Kilgariff?

  She wasn't an accident, per se.

• 14:12Georgia Hardstark?

  My mom always says, "You are surprised, not an accident."

• 14:17Karen Kilgariff?

  Why are we talking about this? In that shared bedroom, we had a twin bed and a stilt bed that our grandpa made with his own two hands. For those not familiar, a stilt bed is exactly how it sounds, essentially a bunk bed without the lower bed. Okay, so now back to birdie rides. One day, my dad thought he'd step up his birdie ride game, and rather than spinning us around the living room, he took us flying through the house. My sister's turn ended in our bedroom, then it was my turn. Can you see where this is going? I was flying around the bedroom, and on the third spin, boom, my head went straight into the side of the stilt bed, which was at a perfect height. And it says, "Nice job, Craig."

• 14:59Karen Kilgariff?

  Craig, I love it. Craig, my mom officially banned birdie rides in our house. The mom was so pissed. The mom was like, "What in the fuck are you talking about?" And the mom, you know, had worn in the past. Craig, you're going to hurt one of them. Craig? Craig, that's not funny. Craig, broken bones are the only reason we can take the kids to the hospital, so you better be careful. It says, "We took this ban more seriously than the Simpsons ban she came up with," and then in parentheses, it says, "We'd sneak downstairs and watch it in the basement with my dad." Cute. Full disclosure, I've had to go to the hospital twice from head incidents. The second time was when I once fell down cement stairs, but I'm fairly certain that the post-birdie-ride hospital visit was the one where hospital staff took me into a separate room from my

• 15:44Karen Kilgariff?

  family and asked me questions to ensure I wasn't being abused. Yeah. I really wish I had witnessed my parents explaining to the doctor what a birdie ride was and how everything is an accident. The birdie ride incident eventually led my mom, eventually led to my mom and dad's divorce. I'm sorry for laughing. I didn't see that coming at all. Oh, no. Oops. Oh, no, wait. It says JK, JK, they've been happily married for 40 years.

• 16:13Georgia Hardstark?

  Good one. You got us.

• 16:16Karen Kilgariff?

  I did not. People, please feel free to take advantage of the fact that I often scan these quickly and don't read them all the way through. That was really good. And then it just says, "Love you", with all these u's, Caitlyn, she/her. That is fucking hilarious.

• 16:30Georgia Hardstark?

  Can tell you're the youngest because that was hilarious and fun and funny.

• 16:34Karen Kilgariff?

  Good job.

• 16:35Georgia Hardstark?

  But not harmful. Good job.

• 16:36Karen Kilgariff?

  Painful and funny and wonderful.

• 16:40Georgia Hardstark?

  All right. My next one is called, it's either called "My Emu War Featuring Trash Dad Trash Uncle", or "My Emu War Featuring Trash Dad Trash Uncle", depending on who you are and where you live.

• 16:53Karen Kilgariff?

  Depending on your zone. Does it literally say that?

• 16:56Georgia Hardstark?

  No. But I think I'm traumatized now.

• 16:59Karen Kilgariff?

  Yes, of course.

• 17:01Georgia Hardstark?

  Okay. This just starts. "I wheeze laugh through your episode on the great emu war because I am all too familiar with emus, their weird caps, their dinosaur eyes, and their ability to jump over anything, and their un-killability. Not a word."

• 17:18Georgia Hardstark?

  I knew I had to finally write my childhood emu story. You have a childhood emu story that you never thought you'd write into a fucking true crime podcast, and here we are.

• 17:26Karen Kilgariff?

  It's pretty great. This is like, and if you have a childhood emu, raccoon, or possum story.

• 17:31Georgia Hardstark?

  Right.

• 17:32Karen Kilgariff?

  Wherever you live.

• 17:33Georgia Hardstark?

  And snails.

• 17:34Karen Kilgariff?

  How about one of those weird worms that show up when it rains?

• 17:37Georgia Hardstark?

  I think I'm proud that our legacy is that we got, we allowed people to tell their weird ass family stories, no matter what they were in the end, you know?

• 17:44Karen Kilgariff?

  Yep.

• 17:44Georgia Hardstark?

  Okay. "When we lived in a suburb of Dallas, Texas in the late 90s, my dad and my Uncle Mike, who was the husband of my maternal aunt, also not his real name because I adore him and some possibly non-legal things might have occurred in the story, that was all in the... Each bought, so Dad and Uncle Mike, each bought an emu from an emu farm in Texas. At the time, there was a health craze for emu oil for use as a moisturizer. I don't know, health fads are always bizarre. Anyway, I think my cheapest fuck, always bargain hunting dad, found them for a really good deal and my uncle decided to go along with it? Question mark. I'm guessing there were some Miller Lights going on.

• 18:25Karen Kilgariff?

  For real.

• 18:26Georgia Hardstark?

  You know?

• 18:27Karen Kilgariff?

  It'd be cool. Come on, look at it. It'd be cool.

• 18:32Georgia Hardstark?

  It's unclear to me how they plan to make money off of them. It's just emu something, that equation of emu plus question mark equals money. But they don't know what the question mark is, you know what I mean?

• 18:45Georgia Hardstark?

  It's unclear to me how they plan to make money off of them, but it's also possible that they didn't plan to, as my dad will put down perfectly good money for something that he does not need if it's a good enough bargain.

• 18:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 18:55Georgia Hardstark?

  Here's the catch. We lived in, all caps, the middle of a city. LBJ freeway slash 635 roared past behind our house just one street over. But we happen to live on about one acre of land, so our yard was bigger and we got to keep the birds, which meant, of course, that my mom and older sister, I was not, I was about nine, so she was about 15, had to feed and take care of what you correctly stated are basically velociraptors with feathers. Being in the middle of the city, we were not allowed to keep animals that size in our yard, but city ordinances have never kept my dad from doing anything. So of course we kept them for at least several months, possibly longer, I don't remember.

• 19:37Georgia Hardstark?

  I do remember how they would regularly jump over the very tall fence my dad built for them and chase our chihuahuas and chickens around the backyard. Oh, God. Cookie would be so freaked out if she saw a fucking emu. I still remember one of our chihuahuas barking and snapping at one of the emus' heads as the emus' body ran in circles around it. Yes, you read that, right? The emu held its head still, glaring at the chihuahua while its body ran in circles, fucking cartoon, around the chihuahua so it couldn't get away.

• 20:08Speaker 02

  Insane.

• 20:10Georgia Hardstark?

  Although they weren't as malevolent as some emus clearly are, it was still an adrenaline rush to go into their pen to feed them. At some point, my dad either got sick of buying feed for the emus or the city got wind of them. One day, my uncle showed up and it became known amongst myself and my four other siblings that the time had come. I stayed inside with my brother, who adored to relay bad or traumatizing news of any sort, informed us later that it was quite an involved and taxing process to catch and slaughter the emus. Oh, my God, they were going to kill them. And gentle reader, we were to eat those birds.

• 20:46Speaker 02

  No.

• 20:47Georgia Hardstark?

  Ew, I don't even.

• 20:48Speaker 02

  No. Thank you.

• 20:52Karen Kilgariff?

  Vegemite.

• 20:53Georgia Hardstark?

  I'm vegetarian now. Remember how Georgia talked about their large calves? Think turkey drumsticks times five.

• 21:00Karen Kilgariff?

  Ew.

• 21:01Georgia Hardstark?

  So gross. Into the freezer they went. In hindsight, the meat just tasted like a dry, stringy roast beef, but I didn't care.

• 21:09Karen Kilgariff?

  No.

• 21:09Georgia Hardstark?

  Despite having no real affection for the birds, my siblings and I were miserable whenever my mom cooked it. And we all spent lots of time staring at our plates of emu enchiladas until we found a way to either choke it down or throw it away unnoticed.

• 21:24Karen Kilgariff?

  God. No.

• 21:28Georgia Hardstark?

  Eventually, our supply was used up and my family moved on to eating other horrifying things my dad picked up at bargain prices. Like cow tongue.

• 21:36Karen Kilgariff?

  Oh, God.

• 21:37Georgia Hardstark?

  Actually delicious. I will fucking tell you right now.

• 21:39Karen Kilgariff?

  No.

• 21:40Georgia Hardstark?

  As a Jewish person, it's so fucking good.

• 21:42Karen Kilgariff?

  But doesn't.

• 21:43Georgia Hardstark?

  It just looks terrifying.

• 21:44Karen Kilgariff?

  I tried tongue when I was like 12.

• 21:46Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah.

• 21:47Karen Kilgariff?

  And it felt like a tongue on my tongue.

• 21:49Georgia Hardstark?

  Because there are taste buds on it.

• 21:51Karen Kilgariff?

  It's so, it's not just like gross. It's the most upsetting thing, except for when my friend tricked me into trying eel at a sushi restaurant.

• 22:00Georgia Hardstark?

  Love eel. What? Are you kidding me?

• 22:03Karen Kilgariff?

  Oh, it tastes like a cave.

• 22:04Georgia Hardstark?

  Oh, my God. It's one of my favorite foods. Eel sushi is one of my favorite foods.

• 22:08Karen Kilgariff?

  Well, then you love caves.

• 22:09Georgia Hardstark?

  A cave?

• 22:10Karen Kilgariff?

  Yes. It tasted exactly like an undersea cave. It was disgusting.

• 22:14Georgia Hardstark?

  Sounds delicious.

• 22:16Karen Kilgariff?

  No.

• 22:18Georgia Hardstark?

  That's so specific. Okay, all right. Nowadays, I live in Alaska and will eat almost anything, including bear meat, which is actually delicious. But I still say, let the emus run free. Grace.

• 22:32Karen Kilgariff?

  God, Grace. Grace has eaten bear.

• 22:35Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah.

• 22:36Karen Kilgariff?

  That's quite something.

• 22:37Georgia Hardstark?

  I've had reindeer before.

• 22:38Karen Kilgariff?

  Oh, what'd that taste like?

• 22:40Georgia Hardstark?

  Uh, it was good. I mean, it was made into a little like empanada. So it was fucking delicious. You could put anything in an empanada. It's great.

• 22:47Karen Kilgariff?

  Well, if you like tongue, would you eat emu?

• 22:49Georgia Hardstark?

  I'd take a bite. Yeah. I'd try an emu taco or something.

• 22:52Karen Kilgariff?

  An emu taco?

• 22:53Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah, taco, taco.

• 22:57Georgia Hardstark?

  The holidays are coming, which means we'll all be spending more time away from home.

• 23:00Karen Kilgariff?

  Whether you're visiting family or doing something actually fun, you want to know your home is protected while you're away.

• 23:06Georgia Hardstark?

  That's why now is a good time to think about home security with SimpliSafe.

• 23:09Karen Kilgariff?

  Unlike traditional security systems that alert you after a break-in starts, SimpliSafe is designed to help stop intruders before they get inside. These days, you're worried about your house, you're out of town, and then something comes up and you get to look on your phone and SimpliSafe is going to show you not only the video of like, it's a raccoon at your front door, but also that they have staff that's sitting there, they already know. And if it was something different or worse, they would have already been on it.

• 23:35Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah, I really think that's invaluable peace of mind that just like relying on your neighbors, paying attention is not going to give you. We've partnered with SimpliSafe to offer our listeners their biggest savings of the year, 70% off your new system with professional monitoring when you visit simplisafe.com/mfm.

• 23:52Karen Kilgariff?

  That's simplisafe.com/mfm. And when you order, write in MFM at checkout and it tells them we sent you and it really helps the show.

• 24:00Georgia Hardstark?

  SimpliSafe, ahead of crime in real time. Goodbye.

• 24:04Karen Kilgariff?

  You know a favorite M-word? Magnesium.

• 24:06Georgia Hardstark?

  Like the kind that's in Dr. Teal's magnesium spray.

• 24:09Karen Kilgariff?

  Made from a proprietary blend of topical minerals powered by pure Epsom salt and natural Dead Sea salt, it's designed to help you relax and get in the right state of mind for a good night's rest.

• 24:19Georgia Hardstark?

  If you need a reset after a crazy day, make Dr. Teal's magnesium spray part of your nighttime routine. It's an effortless way to get a boost of topical magnesium that can help you relax your body and mind before bedtime.

• 24:30Karen Kilgariff?

  Dr. Teal's magnesium spray comes in a lightweight, fast drying formula.

• 24:34Georgia Hardstark?

  Just shake it up and generously spritz onto the soles of your feet and massage until absorbed.

• 24:39Karen Kilgariff?

  I was kind of blown away the first time I used this spray because I do have problems sleeping. And when there's something this simple, you just sprayed on your feet and suddenly you're asleep and the next morning you're like, wait, what happened? Did my problem just get solved? Like, it actually is that easy.

• 24:54Georgia Hardstark?

  And your stinky feet now smell like lavender. Like, what more do you want?

• 24:57Karen Kilgariff?

  How dare you call my feet stinky?

• 24:59Georgia Hardstark?

  For wellness you can feel, find Dr. Teal's magnesium spray online or in your local bath aisle. Goodbye.

• 25:07Karen Kilgariff?

  Here's my last one. It says, "My klepto family..." Hi besties, I'll get right into the story and save my gushing for the end of the email. I like to save up a bunch of episodes to binge, so I just listened at mini-sode 418 from early January. I heard your call for klepto family stories and felt compelled to write in again.

• 25:24Georgia Hardstark?

  Yes, thank you.

• 25:26Karen Kilgariff?

  "My husband and I moved to North Carolina from Michigan in the early aughts, and my mom, Pat, and my grandma, Sophie, used to fly down together to visit us. We took them on a road trip to Wilmington, North Carolina, on the coast, on one visit about 17 years ago, when our older daughter was a baby. There was a Carrabba's restaurant near our hotel." Have you heard of that restaurant?

• 25:47Georgia Hardstark?

  I've definitely heard of it or seen it, but I've never, I don't know anything about it.

• 25:51Karen Kilgariff?

  Two Rs, two Bs, Carrabba's, starting with a C. "Near our hotel that we chose for dinner because we were all tired and hungry. At dinner, we commented on the salt and pepper grinders on the table, the small ones that are sold in the spice section in the grocery store."

• 26:05Georgia Hardstark?

  Oh, yeah.

• 26:05Karen Kilgariff?

  "Because the salt grinder was not something we saw very often in a restaurant. After dinner, as we were getting in the car, my mom and grandma were laughing hysterically, like they were crying and holding each other up. My mom stole the cute little olive oil pitcher from the table and showed it to my grandma, who then pulled the salt and pepper grinders out of her purse."

• 26:24Georgia Hardstark?

  No, I love it.

• 26:26Karen Kilgariff?

  "They thought it was funny, but I thought my husband was going to march them back in to apologize to the restaurant and return the purloined items. The next time we visited my parents' house, I discovered that they had nearly a full set of steak knives stolen from Outback Steakhouse and other restaurants."

• 26:43Georgia Hardstark?

  I love it.

• 26:44Karen Kilgariff?

  "They also have many suspiciously unmatched forks and spoons in their silverware drawer. My grandma Sophie turned 96 this year, so I think she's left all of her petty thieving behind. Happy birthday, Grandma Sophie, 96."

• 26:57Georgia Hardstark?

  Oh, amazing.

• 26:59Karen Kilgariff?

  "My mom and stepdad claim they have as well. Thank you for all you do to bring awareness to and break the stigma surrounding mental health issues. I'm an early MFM listener, and it's so hard to believe that it's been nine years. Y'all are my favorite podcasters, and I'm loving the re- episodes. Ah, and then it says, stay salty and don't steal the condiments, Lori, she, her. Oh, and then it says, P S. We should have known grandma had sticky fingers. The year before this incident, we took mom and grandma to Savannah, Georgia for a few days. Many of the shops sold pecan pralines and had trays of samples out. Grandma would take as many as she could get away with and stash them in a napkin in her purse in every store. She was passing around purse pralines days after we left Savannah.

• 27:45Karen Kilgariff?

  And then it said, but I was pregnant, so I didn't really mind at all.

• 27:48Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah, that's so cute. I can't wait to be an old lady. I'm a little lady. I'm gonna steal so much shit.

• 27:53Karen Kilgariff?

  Fucking go to Costco and just stand there eating every sample.

• 27:58Georgia Hardstark?

  And become a bank robber. Okay, this one's called my hometown feral dachshund story. Love you ladies, love your stories. Here's mine. I'm a suburban mom with quite the cast of characters in my backyard. Deer, raccoons, possums, squirrels, and all kinds of birds. But one day there was a new kind of creature, a dachshund. This was a time when I didn't always have a phone in my hand, so I looked for my camera. But by the time I found it, the dog was gone. Now, I knew most of the neighbors' dogs by name, but I didn't know this one. On my daily walks with my own dogs, I tried to figure out which house this mystery dachshund belonged to. No luck. Over the next few weeks, my short furry friend

• 28:39Georgia Hardstark?

  appeared in my yard several more times, but no one else in my house ever saw him. If I saw a stray dog, I would tackle it. Like, my god, my dream.

• 28:49Karen Kilgariff?

  Oh, it's all I ever look for. It's my favorite concept. It's the best.

• 28:53Georgia Hardstark?

  A dachshund? Oh, my god.

• 28:55Karen Kilgariff?

  Just a little dachshund, like, but what's it zipping around, like, getting away?

• 29:00Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah, it's like a feral dachshund.

• 29:01Karen Kilgariff?

  It's hard to imagine that. Oh, it's like the, what was the dachshund's name that was on the island in Australia by yourself?

• 29:07Georgia Hardstark?

  That's, that's, yes. That's why they're writing this. Yes, Valerie, I think, yeah.

• 29:10Karen Kilgariff?

  That's so funny.

• 29:11Georgia Hardstark?

  No one else in my house ever saw him. What if it was a ghost dachshund? And I was becoming increasingly concerned that this dachshund was homeless and in desperate need of my help. My family, in particular, my husband, laughed over my concern for this, quote, feral dachshund. Like, it is not really a thing. Finally, one fateful Sunday, my feral friend reappeared in the backyard, but this time he was wearing a bomber jacket.

• 29:37Georgia Hardstark?

  Clearly, this dog was not in need of any help. The entire family shared an enormous laugh over the evidently not homeless dachshund. But oddly enough, I never figured out where that cute little guy ever lived.

• 29:52Georgia Hardstark?

  S S D G M and watch out for feral dachshunds in bomber jackets. Anne Marie.

• 29:58Karen Kilgariff?

  Did he live with the Cunningham family up over their garage, like, just like the Fonz? Because it sounds like he was the Fonz.

• 30:04Georgia Hardstark?

  Right. Oh, that's so cute.

• 30:06Karen Kilgariff?

  That's hilarious. He's wearing outfits.

• 30:08Georgia Hardstark?

  A bomber jacket.

• 30:10Karen Kilgariff?

  Happy Father's Day, everybody. I think we, we just gave the Fathers of America every possible type of story they could want to hear.

• 30:17Georgia Hardstark?

  I mean, yeah, play that for your dad on the road trip to go to Cabreros. What was that restaurant called?

• 30:22Karen Kilgariff?

  Cabreros, yeah.

• 30:23Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah. Play that for him. Thanks, dads. We love you.

• 30:25Karen Kilgariff?

  Yeah.

• 30:26Georgia Hardstark?

  We're big fans of our own.

• 30:27Karen Kilgariff?

  Yep. Great job. Our dads, whatever job you would like to get a tribute to your dads, that's on you.

• 30:33Georgia Hardstark?

  Yeah, you don't have to. We're, we support all trash dads.

• 30:37Karen Kilgariff?

  And all trash. Stay sexy.

• 30:39Georgia Hardstark?

  And don't get murdered.

• 30:41Karen Kilgariff?

  Goodbye. Elvis, do you want a cookie?

• 30:51Karen Kilgariff?

  This has been an Exactly Right production.

• 30:53Georgia Hardstark?

  Our senior producers are Alejandra Keck and Molly Smith.

• 30:56Karen Kilgariff?

  Our editor is Aristotle Acevedo.

• 30:58Georgia Hardstark?

  This episode was mixed by Leona Spolacchi.

• 31:00Karen Kilgariff?

  Email your hometowns to [email protected].

• 31:03Georgia Hardstark?

  And follow the show on Instagram at MyFavoriteMurder.

• 31:05Karen Kilgariff?

  Listen to My Favorite Murder on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

• 31:10Georgia Hardstark?

  And now you can watch us on Exactly Right's YouTube page. And while you're there, please like and subscribe.

• 31:15Karen Kilgariff?

  Goodbye.

• 31:22Karen Kilgariff?

  It's the season of green.

• 31:24Georgia Hardstark?

  This year, Ryobi has the deals you've been waiting for and the perfect gift for everyone on your list.

• 31:29Karen Kilgariff?

  Stick vacuums for that post-holiday mess, leaf blowers for tidying up the yard, speakers, fans, drills, nailers, and even snow blowers. Ryobi has it all.

• 31:38Georgia Hardstark?

  Big savings and more gifts than ever before.

• 31:41Karen Kilgariff?

  Right now, when you buy a select Ryobi kit, you get another tool free.

• 31:45Georgia Hardstark?

  Find your green at ryobitoles.com/murder.

• 31:49Karen Kilgariff?

  That's R-Y-O- ReoBi, only at The Home Depot.

• 31:53Georgia Hardstark?

  Goodbye.

• 31:55Karen Kilgariff?

  Vacation planning should feel like a breeze, not a deep dive into countless travel sites searching for the best deal.

• 32:00Georgia Hardstark?

  With CheapCaribbean's Budget Beach Finder, you can search every destination and every date all in one search.

• 32:06Karen Kilgariff?

  You'll save time and money with the Budget Beach Finder.

• 32:08Georgia Hardstark?

  Say goodbye to endless scrolling and tab hopping and hello to budget beach bliss at your fingertips.

• 32:14Karen Kilgariff?

  Go to CheapCaribbean.com to try out the Budget Beach Finder and see just how stress-free vacation planning should be.

• 32:20Georgia Hardstark?

  Goodbye.

• 32:22Speaker 03

  She's been thinking about this sleepover all week, but I think about her food allergies all the time. Fortunately, her doctor prescribed Zolair, omalizumab. It's proven to significantly reduce allergic reactions if a food allergy accident happens.

• 32:35Speaker 04

  Zolair 150mg is a prescription medication used to treat food allergy in people one year of age and older to reduce allergic reactions due to accidental exposure to one or more foods. While taking Zolair, you should continue to avoid all foods to which you are allergic. Don't use if you are allergic to Zolair. Zolair may cause a severe, life-threatening allergic reaction called anaphylaxis. Tell your doctor if you ever had anaphylaxis. Get help right away if you have trouble breathing or if you have swelling of your throat or tongue. Zolair should not be used for the emergency treatment of allergic reactions, including anaphylaxis. Zolair is for maintenance use to reduce allergic reactions, including anaphylaxis, while avoiding food allergens. Serious side effects such as cancer, fever, muscle aches and rash, parasitic infection, or heart and circulation problems have been reported. Please see zolair.com for full prescribing information. Ask an allergist about Zolair. This is an advertisement for Zolair,

• 33:19Speaker 04

  paid for by Genentech and Novartis.