30 Years of Marriage: 3 Things About Relationships I Wish Someone Told Me Sooner

Today is Mel’s 30th wedding anniversary. And she couldn't think of a better way to celebrate than to have a sit down conversation with her husband Chris about the lessons they've learned along the way. This episode isn’t about the highlights – it’s talking about the hard lessons that have shaped their marriage these last 30 years. Mel and Chris unpack the years where they felt more like roommates than a married couple and the simple and they share stories from when stress got the best of them. They get into how resentment and bitterness created a distance that kept growing, and how they found their way back to each other. They talk about what they wish they knew sooner and the expert advice that has helped them the most. Mel and Chris also break down their relationship truths into small, actionable things you can do to make your relationship stronger today. In this episode, you’ll learn: -How to tell when stress has turned your partner from your favorite person into the person you blame. -Why resentment, criticism, silence, and shutdown can become a cycle that quietly pulls couples apart. -What “normal marital hatred” means and why your partner can trigger old wounds you have never fully dealt with. -How to soften during conflict instead of hardening, attacking, or retreating. -The simple rituals Mel and Chris use to rebuild connection, including notes, touch, walks, shared meals, and weekly calendar check-ins. -How to know whether your relationship has the foundation to grow with you through decades of change. Whether you are newly in love, decades into a marriage, going through a rough patch, or wondering if your relationship is going to make it through a rough season, this conversation will give you a more honest and useful way to think about lasting love. Because the truth is, a strong relationship isn't built by avoiding the hard seasons. It’s built by learning the lessons from them and finding your way back to each other when those seasons come. For more resources related to today’s episode, click here for the podcast episode page. If you liked the episode, you should check out these ones next, both of which were mentioned on the podcast: James Sexton: The Most Eye-Opening Conversation on Marriage & Love You Will Ever Hear (From #1 Divorce Lawyer) Terry Real: Married, Dating, or Single: The Best Relationship Advice You Will Ever Receive Mel also wants to tell you: Try the 23g protein shot I drink every single morning Join 2 million readers loving my weekly newsletter - full of tips, tools, and inspiration The Let Them Theory: read the book everyone’s talking about Watch the episodes on YouTube Connect with me on Instagram Follow the show’s Instagram for clips, behind the scenes, and more Find some daily positivity on my TikTok Want zero ads? Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes ad-free Disclaimer

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Mel Robbins?

  Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.

• 0:08Mel Robbins?

  I am so excited to talk to you today because today, we're doing something super cool. My husband, Christopher Robbins, is here. Hi, Chris.

• 0:19Chris Robbins

  In the house.

• 0:19Mel Robbins?

  In the house, and we are reflecting on 30 years of marriage. I can't believe we've been together for over 30 years. And it feels like this giant of growing up, getting jobs, getting fired from jobs, raising kids, paying bills, getting into debt, getting out of debt, moving, fighting, struggling, making up, fighting with each other, growing apart, finding our way back to each other, trying to figure out how to love ourselves. Well, we're going to unpack this because through all the resentment, the struggles, the ups, the downs, you and I, over the course of 30 years, oh, here we go, we're already crying.

• 1:03Chris Robbins

  That's a first that you're crying before me.

• 1:07Mel Robbins?

  We've always found our way back to each other. And so today, you, oh, God, he's crying too. Okay, I guess we're going to go to commercials quickly. Today, you and I are going to talk about the three lessons that we've learned the hard way, lessons we wish somebody would have taught us decades ago that truly make your relationship meaningful and lasting. And so, since I'm starting to cry, I think we better take a beat and then we'll start the episode. How do you feel?

• 1:40Chris Robbins

  Feeling great. Thanks for having me on.

• 1:43Mel Robbins?

  I can't imagine who else I'd do my 30th wedding anniversary episode with. I guess our couples therapist.

• 1:52Chris Robbins

  Thank God for him.

• 1:58Mel Robbins?

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• 2:41Mel Robbins?

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• 3:24Mel Robbins?

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• 3:50Mel Robbins?

  Hey, it's your friend Mel and my husband, Christopher Robbins. Welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am absolutely thrilled that you're here for a once in a lifetime conversation because today, my husband and I are talking and reflecting on our 30th wedding anniversary. And this is only going to happen once, not because we're breaking up, but because like you only have your 30th wedding anniversary once. And it's such an honor to be together with you, to spend this time with you, if you're new here, or if maybe somebody you're in a relationship with sent you this episode, or they've trapped you in a car with them right now and you're listening, and this is their form of therapy or a date. Welcome. I've done that to my husband, too.

• 4:34Mel Robbins?

  Welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. You are going to love this conversation because today, my husband, Chris, and I are celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary with you. And we're going to share three lessons that we have learned over the last three decades. These are lessons that I wish somebody had just, boom, summed up for us when we got married 30 years ago. We learned this stuff the hard way. It explains so much about the years of our life, Chris, where we were really struggling. It also explains the roadmap for how you find your way back to the person that you fell in love with.

• 5:18Mel Robbins?

  And so, I'm super excited about this. Welcome to the podcast, Chris.

• 5:23Chris Robbins

  Thanks, thanks for having me. I'm happy to be here. And I'm looking forward to these little lessons because they do help crystallize all that we did go through.

• 5:32Mel Robbins?

  Yeah, yeah. Boy, we went through a lot.

• 5:35Chris Robbins

  Yes, we have.

• 5:36Mel Robbins?

  It's impossible to be in a long-term relationship and not experience so many ups and downs. And what does 30 years feel like for you? Like, when you really think about 30 years going by, and if you're brand new to the show, you know, I should just say that we also have three kids. They're 27, 26, and 21 years old. And we have been through so many ups and downs and been in and out of financial crisis. And we've both been fired from jobs and struggled and had moments where we feel lost. We've had kids that have struggled. We've navigated your father dying, like, just 30 years of your life, you navigate a lot.

• 6:18Mel Robbins?

  When you think about the fact that we've been married for 30 years, what comes to mind for you, Chris?

• 6:26Chris Robbins

  Honestly, the visual of like a flip book where you flip it through and it's like, and all of those scenes that, in the moment, feel so acute, so profound, either whether you're elated, or we're feeling on top, or feeling at the bottom. They all are meaningful and the speed at which they have passed is quite remarkable, honestly. To think that it's been 30 years is a bit jaw-dropping.

• 6:58Mel Robbins?

  You know, when you first fall in love, you have this assumption, because of all the fabulous love chemicals, that's a technical term I just made up, that are flooding through your body and the attraction, that you kind of gaslight yourself into thinking, oh, it's always going to be like this. And if there's one thing that we've learned the hard way, and everybody learns in life, is that things are always changing. And that the true test of your relationship is not how you are together when things are good. I mean, you could be with a not great person in a not great relationship, but if things are going really well, you don't really have to lean on the relationship. The true test is what happens when things fall apart.

• 7:43Mel Robbins?

  When you lose the job, when a parent dies, when a child is sick, when the pressure hits, when the bank account is bouncing, when life makes you hard. And life does that. I'm already crying, I don't know, because I'm just thinking about like how many freaking hard periods of our life we've had. And one of the things that I really struggled with in our relationship is how often, when life hardened me, I brought that edge into our relationship. And if you're going to go the distance with somebody, it's really because you have picked

• 8:25Mel Robbins?

  somebody that you can do the difficult things with, that you can struggle with, that you can lean on. And when I look back, one of the biggest lessons that I've learned, and I'm going to explain it first in my words, and then I'm going to share the way one of the incredible relationship experts summed it up, is when life got hard, I became very hard on you. When life really started to beat me up, I started to take it out on you. And I think that's an extremely common mistake that people make.

• 9:07Mel Robbins?

  And if you stop and reflect and think about your own relationship, how often you've blamed stress of the day, in fact, I just did this last night, on how emotional, or how volatile, or how just mean you might be to the person that you love. And the first lesson that I really learned, that is both the reason why relationships end, and it's also the simple lesson that brings you back to the person you fell in love with. And it's this, you're my favorite person. That is the best relationship advice I have ever heard.

• 9:50Mel Robbins?

  Four words, you're my favorite person. And so, the first takeaway for me is, if you're in a relationship, can you say that about the person that you're with? Because if you fundamentally have never felt like this is your favorite person, then you're in the wrong relationship. And if you're going through a very rough time, what I love about these four words, you're my favorite person, is this is the, like, lifeline. It's like a tow rope that you can grab on to, to pull you back to what is still true. Because even when life is hard, that person that you fell in love with is still in there.

• 10:33Mel Robbins?

  And I also love this question because you not only ask yourself, you're my favorite person. Is Chris my favorite person? Of course, I just hate my life right now. But he's still my favorite person. And then you ask yourself the second layer, which is, am I treating him like my favorite person? No.

• 10:48Chris Robbins

  That's kind of where the rubber meets the road, I think, for me. Because when I think about when we first met, absolutely, you were my favorite, all the way up until, in fact, after we got married, which was a couple of years later. But in that timeframe, you were my favorite every moment of every day, because, to some extent, we really hadn't hit anything hard. We had no concept of how we might harden, or how we might behave in those tough times, which I think is what makes relationships challenging, because in the early days, it

• 11:31Chris Robbins

  is a honeymoon period, as they call it. And everybody's everybody's favorite until it hits the fan.

• 11:39Mel Robbins?

  I know the moment that you know what hit a fan. And you started going from my favorite person to not my favorite person, to somebody that I was mad at. And it was when we were in our twenties, and we had met in New York City, and we were early in our careers, and you decided to make a career change. And then you didn't like that. And then you decided to launch a business, and it didn't do well. And then you decided to scramble and get a job. And there was a point where we were so struggling with paying our bills. I was a public defender working for legal aid. You had not had a job for a while.

• 12:20Mel Robbins?

  Do you remember this? We were talking about moving in with your parents as a new married couple, and we were going to have to move into like, the basement walkout part of their, like, retirement house.

• 12:36Chris Robbins

  I don't actually remember that. But it's funny that you bring this up, because when you ask me to think about a moment in time, that's about the same timeframe that I thought about myself, both in the context of me also beginning to hate on myself, but also recognizing that that's when I stopped listening to you. Because, because, no, no, no, it had nothing to do with you. I was so focused on me, and what I thought I should

• 13:12Chris Robbins

  be achieving or producing, that you barely even existed. And so I really wasn't listening to you, or your needs, or your interests. And so anyway, when I was thinking about that incident, that was really where things started to unwind a little bit, when I said, hey, you know what, I want to go get my MBA, and I want to do it in Boston, and I want to move out of New York City. And you said, are you kidding me? Like, I love my job. This is great. Why are we leaving? And you were miserable when we moved up there. And honestly, in the moment, I was so blind to what I thought I should have been doing for you, that I

• 13:57Chris Robbins

  was oblivious to the fact that you were even unhappy with the idea.

• 14:01Mel Robbins?

  Wow. You've never even brought this up in therapy before.

• 14:05Chris Robbins

  No, but you prompted me to think about this.

• 14:07Mel Robbins?

  You know what's crazy about this, Chris, is that I always called you stoic. I called you a thinker. I called you a slow processor, when I was really annoyed with you. I just sort of put your sequestering into a box that was about you. And I had no idea that you tuned me out. And what happens when that starts to happen, is for somebody like me, I just get louder, because then I feel alone and unsafe. And for somebody like you, you just sequester more into your head. Like, I think that there was like, what, a full decade where we were like this?

• 14:48Chris Robbins

  Yeah.

• 14:49Mel Robbins?

  Did it was longer?

• 14:50Chris Robbins

  No, that sounds about right. Anyway, 10 years. But that's enough to cause enough damage. I mean, and it did.

• 14:57Mel Robbins?

  And you know, the thing that's important about this is, this is, I think, a period of our marriage that you would describe as we were just roommates. We would say that we do logistics really well. So we can get the kids where they need to go. We can get the dogs fed. We can get the groceries on the table. We can get, we can show up at the holiday celebration. We can check the boxes.

• 15:20Chris Robbins

  I don't think the roommate phase set in that early, because we were beginning to have kids. And so we were learning a new challenge of being parents to newborns. And so the roommate thing didn't quite settle in until, I think, once all three, or at least two had arrived. And then it was, and then the sequestering began, for sure.

• 15:43Mel Robbins?

  Well, I think we're, I'm kind of using a word, maybe, that doesn't resonate. It felt like logistics and life took over. And our connection, this, these four words, you're my favorite person, stopped being the central organizing principle of our marriage. And I truly believe that these four words, as a lesson and a philosophy that you can anchor yourself to, immediately reveals whether or not the connection is frayed. Because if you don't feel that way about your partner, and you once did, that's a sign that life

• 16:23Mel Robbins?

  has hardened you, and you're in this phase where you've pulled apart. And being able to then go, how do I start treating this person like my favorite person, again, even if things have gone down, even if there are still a lot of struggles, even if we are fighting about money, which we did for decades, absolute decades. But I want to play this moment from the Mel Robbins podcast, when a world renowned divorce attorney, James Sexton, said those four words on the show.

• 17:05Speaker 02

  Like, at its core, marriage should boil down to four words that I think, I think are potentially the most beautiful words you could say to someone and mean, or have someone say to you and know they're true. And that is, you're my favorite person. Like, what could be more beautiful than being told and knowing, like, that when this person says it, they mean it. You're my favorite person. And to say to someone back, yeah, you're my favorite person. Like, what would be better in the world than having that, you know? And so I like to think about kind of the end of things, and then reverse engineer.

• 17:45Speaker 02

  And to me, like, at the end of your life, if you could look at another person and say, you helped me become the most authentic version of myself, and you're still my favorite person. That's the greatest wedding toast you could ever have. Like, that's the greatest blessing you could have in your life. And I think it'd be the greatest asset you could have in your life.

• 18:12Mel Robbins?

  Do you want to react to that?

• 18:13Chris Robbins

  I think he just said, that's the greatest wedding toast you could have. And that's my point, is that when I boiled down what has you be my favorite person, it was, and it does make me cry, because I can say that, in those first few days when we met, you brought out the authenticity in me. I felt almost like somebody had unlocked the real

• 18:57Chris Robbins

  me, and that, like, the fake me was, had gone away. And that freedom, I felt, was definitely one of those things that made me feel like you were my favorite.

• 19:18Chris Robbins

  What's interesting about that, though, is your point about hardening. And then you get into, let's now call it 30 years, where we're going through the ups and the downs and the twists and the turns. And that's where the hard work is, I think, is being able to wake up and say, this is originally why this person was my favorite. And trying to presence that in the face of the tough stuff that's going on.

• 19:54Mel Robbins?

  Well, I think that's why the tough periods are so painful. Because when you fall in love, and you fall in love with somebody who is truly your favorite person, they are your favorite person because of how being with them makes you feel about you. And that's why it's so painful when your favorite person turns on you. And you start to feel as if either they are no longer your favorite person because of things they've done, or because the world is just pressure testing you, and you're now bringing it to the relationship and taking it out on them.

• 20:37Mel Robbins?

  Or something has happened with you, and you're no longer treating this person that you once treated as your favorite person, you don't treat them that way anymore. And one of the reasons why I was so struck by this advice that James Sexton shared on the Mel Robbins podcast, because it kind of strikes you as odd, why on earth would you get relationship advice from a world renowned divorce attorney? And he basically said, because who do you take a car to to fix it? A mechanic. Because a mechanic has seen everything break in a car. So a mechanic can spot the signs that things are headed towards a serious thing, they can head, this can be fixed, this can't be fixed, this is a total wreckage.

• 21:21Mel Robbins?

  And one of the things that James also shared, that I would love to share with you, is the surest indicator of a divorce. Because it does tie to this first lesson, you're my favorite person. So let's hear James Sexton reflecting on that.

• 21:39Speaker 02

  Like, I often tell people, to me, the surest indicator of a divorce is not anything anyone says, it's a sound. And it's this sound. It's just that, like, like when the other person's talking, and there's just this, like, like, what, yeah, whatever, what? Yeah, okay. Like, why are you bothering me with what you're saying? Or that, like, kind of eye rolling, like, it's just those subtle discourtes and disrespects. It's the tone, it's the body language, like, that's a huge piece. So I would, when you're looking at signs, look at how you physically relate to each other.

• 22:21Speaker 02

  I mean, you've seen couples, I'm sure, where it's like, even when they touch each other, it's like, you know, when you're first together, like, you touch your skin, and it's like an electric bolt through you of like, oh, my God, this person touched me, there's like, oh, my God, our legs touched, like, it's just that, I mean, and thank God that passes, or we just never get anything done, you know? But it's supposed to sort of pass and become, like, still something comfortable and connected, because all that person, maybe you don't like holding hands, that's okay, but maybe they're trying to connect with you.

• 22:52Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 22:53Speaker 02

  So do you want to connect with them? Like, and if it's that, I don't like sweaty hands, okay, so put your arm around me, like, you know, lean in and do something, like, like, meet each other halfway, there's a lot of these little tiny physical and verbal disconnections.

• 23:07Mel Robbins?

  I can immediately think of, like, five couples right now, can't you, Chris? Like, the eye roll, the, you're bothering me. And I was that way with you for probably a decade, not all the time, but I threw that at you. That discourtesy, that kind of, I'm sorry.

• 23:31Chris Robbins

  Thanks for saying that. I felt it. I mean, I think I could say the same, that I had those things certainly on you as well. But I think the difference between us is that I internalize things way more than you ever did. Like, you would lash out, you, your, your reaction to these things would be external, whereas my reaction would be quite internal. That's not to say that I wasn't, or, you know, or whatever those noises were, that were going on under my breath.

• 24:15Chris Robbins

  But half the time, they were aimed at myself more than they were at you, which I think is the thing that compounded your either anger, distrust, or whatever it was towards me.

• 24:28Mel Robbins?

  Yeah, because when you went silent, and I'm lashing out because I'm, like, sad, or upset, or scared, or whatever, and anger is the fastest, like, ah, valve, and then you go quiet, I feel even more disconnected.

• 24:42Chris Robbins

  Correct. Really, what you needed was a hug, and I'm running in the opposite direction.

• 24:46Mel Robbins?

  Which I don't blame you for.

• 24:47Chris Robbins

  Yeah, but still, you know, when you talk about meeting people where they are, that wasn't always going down.

• 24:54Mel Robbins?

  I want to give you, as you're listening or watching, a very real application of how you start to apply this first lesson, you're my favorite person. This is both a test of are you with the right person? Because if you've never felt that way about the person, you're not with the right person. It's also a way for you to just take the temperature of your relationship. What, what's?

• 25:20Chris Robbins

  Carry on, I'm just...

• 25:22Mel Robbins?

  Oh, I thought you were about to cry.

• 25:24Chris Robbins

  I was about to, but that's because I'm thinking about all the moments in our life, they're, they're racing by in my head right now.

• 25:31Mel Robbins?

  There were a lot of them, and there were so many, like, even during the crappy decade, like, there were so many incredible, joyful, like, it's like violent ups and downs that we experienced. And the thing that, that you can do to start to apply this, and we are going to get into the deeper issues, what if the person has done something, and you're, you resent them for it? What if somebody really hurt you, and you can't let go of the grudge? We're going to talk about that in a minute, but I want to give you something that Chris does, that I want you to steal. It is free, and I will tell you right now, that you can use a Post-it note to make your

• 26:16Mel Robbins?

  relationship better, starting today. Because writing notes and hiding notes to the person you're in a relationship with is the single coolest and fastest way to start to recreate a connection. And Chris, I swear to God, Chris has been hiding notes in my wallet, look at how old this one is. It says, me again, just thinking about how much I love you. Look how old this thing is. And he doesn't tell me, he just pops it in something. You have hidden this one, he hid this Post-it note, Mel, I love you, thank you for loving me.

• 26:58Mel Robbins?

  He hid that Post-it note in my freaking pillcase. I was on a trip, and I opened this sucker up, you know, to take all the things that all the experts tell us we need to take in order to live to be 100, and like, be energized and healthy and all that stuff. And there it is. And when you see a note like that, oh, my gosh, here's another one. Did I mention how much I love you? Look at how old these things are. Here's another one. Hi there, look, it's my bursting heart. Oh, my God, you're kind of... Chris! Or here's another one, like, they're literally all over the place. He's been doing this for years. I'll pop open my glasses, did you know how much I love you?

• 27:42Mel Robbins?

  When I get one of these notes, I feel like your favorite person, and you immediately become mine. And it reminds me of our connection. Does it solve the massive problems that we may be facing? No. Does it remove the financial debt that is crushing us? No. Does it erase the issues that our kids may be struggling with, that are causing us to argue over what to do about? No. But in that moment, that singular note is your way to use you're my favorite person in a busy life. And it's free. You could leave it, like, I leave it on your desk when you go and lead your Soul Degree

• 28:27Mel Robbins?

  Retreats, like, that's how you have infiltrated and created a connection with me. That no matter where I am, when I find one of these things, I'm like, oh, my God, he's, he thought about me, he loves me, he stuck that in there, knowing I would find, oh, my God, he's my favorite person.

• 28:42Chris Robbins

  I didn't realize that the notes you sometimes leave on my own desk were inspired by my notes, that's cool.

• 28:48Mel Robbins?

  Of course it were.

• 28:49Chris Robbins

  Those feel so good when I come back.

• 28:51Mel Robbins?

  You just tucked one in to the credit card thing that I don't think I've ever found. Holy cow, I wonder how long this has been in here? This is from an Omni Hotel and Resort somewhere that you were, I guess, I don't know. I love you. That was right in the little credit card slot, I've never even seen that one, that's an old one.

• 29:10Chris Robbins

  I can't remember the last time we were at an Omni, so yeah, it is an old one.

• 29:15Mel Robbins?

  Wow.

• 29:16Chris Robbins

  You do that with flowers.

• 29:17Mel Robbins?

  What do you mean?

• 29:18Chris Robbins

  For me.

• 29:19Mel Robbins?

  Do you even like flowers?

• 29:21Chris Robbins

  Well, I do...

• 29:23Mel Robbins?

  Explain what I do, so I know to do more of it.

• 29:26Chris Robbins

  I do like flowers, but I mostly love them because I get to live vicariously through the love you have for flowers. And it's a little...

• 29:40Mel Robbins?

  So explain what I do so that everybody can steal this.

• 29:43Chris Robbins

  Well, you just have such a love of flowers, and you come into my office when I'm not there, and you put one little flower, whichever your favorite of the day is, and slide it into a tiny little vase, or however you like to present it, and you leave it right on my desk. And then I come back, and there's you. It's not even the flower, I just see you. And it's funny, because that's another thing that makes you my favorite person, not just the flower, but when we first met.

• 30:31Chris Robbins

  Also makes me cry. First date.

• 30:36Chris Robbins

  Walking down the sidewalk.

• 30:38Mel Robbins?

  New York City.

• 30:39Chris Robbins

  We're in mid-conversation after dinner. Can't even remember what we were talking about, and you took off running. And I thought, what the hell is this woman doing? When I caught up to you, you've got a leaf in the palm of your hand shaped like a heart.

• 30:57Mel Robbins?

  It was a yucca tree, I think.

• 30:58Chris Robbins

  Ginkgo tree.

• 30:59Mel Robbins?

  Oh, ginkgo tree. See, I don't even know what's happening.

• 31:01Chris Robbins

  And you were jumping for joy as if the good humor truck just showed up. Like you were so excited about this heart-shaped leaf and this tree and how it was your favorite. I mean, talk about authenticity and sort of that joie de vie that I felt from you. So when you put a little tiny flower on my desk, that brings me right back to your own love affair with flowers, but makes me feel like I'm your favorite.

• 31:35Mel Robbins?

  Amazing.

• 31:37Chris Robbins

  Aren't we supposed to take a break or something?

• 31:39Mel Robbins?

  Uh, actually, yes. I was just so kind of in the moment with you that I forgot about that part. Thank you. All right. Don't go anywhere. When we come back, we're going to share more of these lessons from 30 years of marriage. You're not going to want to miss the next one. And I'm sure there's somebody that you're thinking about. This conversation is an extraordinary gift that I hope you will share with the people in your life that you love. And don't go anywhere because you're going to love what we will be digging into next. Stay with us.

• 32:14Mel Robbins?

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• 32:54Mel Robbins?

  now at ultrarunning.com and use code MEL10 for 10% off at checkout. And if you want even more savings and you've got an HSA or FSA account, you can use those pre-tax dollars on Ultra Shoes through TruMed. Just head to trumed.com/ultra to check your eligibility, and it may save you an average of 30%. TruMed is for qualified customers. HSA/FSA tax savings vary. Experience Ultra and stay out there at ultrarunning.com. That's A-L-T-R-A running.com. Are you getting enough omega-3s in your diet? Your heart, brain, and immune system all

• 33:35Mel Robbins?

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• 34:19Mel Robbins?

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• 35:01Mel Robbins?

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• 35:44Mel Robbins?

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• 36:02Mel Robbins?

  Welcome back. It's your friend Mel.

• 36:03Chris Robbins

  And Chris.

• 36:05Mel Robbins?

  Chris.

• 36:05Chris Robbins

  Thanks for having me.

• 36:06Mel Robbins?

  I'm so thrilled you said yes. We are unpacking three lessons from our 30-year marriage. We're celebrating 30 years this year, and these are three lessons we wish somebody would have shared with us when we first met.

• 36:21Chris Robbins

  Would have made a difference.

• 36:22Mel Robbins?

  Well, let's just jump right back in. So that's the first lesson. You're my favorite person, and those are two simple ways that you can start to apply it. And that brings me to the second lesson. And the second lesson is really relevant because a lot of what we've learned over the years, or I should just say I've learned over the years, is how important softening is. So you hear the relationship experts that are world-renowned talk about kindness and curiosity and having an open heart. And oftentimes, when you're in the thick of life, it's like, well, how the hell do you do that when this person's fricking pissing me off right now? And for me, one of the reasons why I think our marriage

• 37:05Mel Robbins?

  is stronger than ever, I love you more deeply than ever, is that I have learned the importance of softening and remembering the person I married. And this comes to the second lesson. If you want your relationship to go the distance and be meaningful and deeply connected, always remember you did not marry the adult who is standing in front of you. You married the eight-year-old version of that person. And there are pieces of you as a little kid that never got the real, I don't even know what the technical term is, that there are

• 37:48Mel Robbins?

  parts of you, like the reason you run into the corner is because that's what you did as a kid. The reason why you go into your head is because that's what you did as a kid. The reason why you don't ask for what you need, Chris, is because you grew up, like a lot of people did, in a family as the youngest with a lot going on, where it didn't matter what your needs were because people didn't care. Or they cared, but they didn't listen. And so you just stopped talking. And it's easy for me to get mad at you when I look at the 57-year-old version of you and be like, the man's a grown-ass adult. Why is he acting like this? Why doesn't he just tell me what he needs? Why is he... And not stop and go, okay, hold on. This is my favorite person. And I'm not dealing

• 38:31Mel Robbins?

  with a 57. I'm dealing with the part of him that's eight, just like you're dealing with the part of me that is a little girl. And this is really important because one of the things that I've learned from the experts and what I've learned from our own, like, therapy, you and I have been working with a therapist for five years, that what's very important about this is it softens you. Because I think it's easy to be like, that person is awful. Like, and you start to get super judgy. And because the world can make you hard, you don't want the way the world hardens you to be the part of you that you bring into the relationships. And I find that the moment that I think about the fact that I

• 39:16Mel Robbins?

  know who you are at your core, if you've been with somebody for a year, you knew who they are at their core. And when you can remember that most people aren't intentionally trying to hurt you or intentionally trying to make you resent them, or intentionally trying to piss you off, they're just doing the best that they can in a very difficult world that we live in. And I've really been able to soften by thinking about the fact that there are times that you get scared. There are times that you're overwhelmed. There are times that you don't know what to ask for. And it's helped me really stop

• 39:58Mel Robbins?

  being so fricking judgy and angry and resentful when you're not doing exactly what I want you to do or behaving how I want you to behave and just slow the roll a little bit. Because you and I have struggled with something that the world-renowned couples therapist, Terry Reel, talks about. He came on the Mel Robbins Podcast. I know you know Terry very well. And he talked about something that was like, whoa. He has this term, let's see if this rings a bell, Chris, "normal marital hatred."

• 40:38Mel Robbins?

  Let's hear Terry Real on the Mel Robbins Podcast, talking about normal marital hatred.

• 40:49Speaker 03

  Normal marital hatred.

• 40:52Mel Robbins?

  Normal marital hatred.

• 40:54Speaker 03

  Normal marital hatred.

• 40:57Mel Robbins?

  My God.

• 40:59Speaker 03

  I gotta tell you, I've been around the world talking about normal marital hatred for 40, not once has anyone come backstage and said, "What do you mean by that?" I like to say, "We all marry our unfinished business."

• 41:14Mel Robbins?

  Whoa, hold on. We all marry our unfinished business?

• 41:21Speaker 03

  You got it. You know what? Young Mel could have had a guy that would have done everything she wanted him to do. I guarantee you, there are guys you dated who you would not have gone through this crisis with. They did not blip on your screen. I call this the mysticism of marriage.

• 41:42Mel Robbins?

  The mysticism of marriage?

• 41:43Speaker 03

  Yes, we have the opportunity to heal our deepest wounds, not falling in love means, "Oh yeah, this person's going to give it to me. I'm going to be healed. They're going to give me everything I didn't get. Good luck." A real relationship comes, I like to say, when you realize your partner is, here's my quote, "exquisitely designed to stick the burning spear right into your eyeball." That's the crisis. That's not a bad relationship. That's a real relationship. The question is, now what? Are you just going to repeat the same old same old? That's hell. Or are you going to wake up and do something different?

• 42:27Speaker 03

  The crisis can wake you up if you allow it, but you have to do it. And so, there's a lot that goes into why we don't wake up, how to wake up, and if we do stay awake, what the hell do we do then?

• 42:44Mel Robbins?

  What does unfinished business mean? That what does, because it's true. The person that you're in a relationship with has an uncanny way to get under your skin, piss you off, frustrate the hell out of you. You love them, but you want to kill them at times, right?

• 43:01Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:01Mel Robbins?

  Definitely want to change them.

• 43:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:03Mel Robbins?

  But what does unfinished business mean exactly for us?

• 43:09Speaker 03

  It means that you are now exactly in the childhood wound that that son of a gun that you picked was supposed to never put you in. You have been fundamentally betrayed. You are back, you're four, you're with your crazy family, and your partner is just as chaotic, it turns out, as your dad was. Your partner is just as betraying as your mom was. Whatever the wound is, all of a sudden, it's in your face, and that's not what you signed up for. And you hate that son of a gun.

• 43:49Mel Robbins?

  When you hear "normal marital hatred," what comes to mind, Chris?

• 43:52Chris Robbins

  Driving down the road with you in the passenger seat, head down, doing whatever you're doing, silent, feeling like, or I should say, I'm feeling like you are a million miles away, even though you're two feet from me. And that's so on point, what Terry is saying, because I think they say, "You either marry your mother, or your father," or something to that effect. And a lot of my struggle was the physical and emotional absence of

• 44:27Chris Robbins

  my dad, that really, I think, was at the crux of our hardest times, because we were both running scared, trying to do what we were doing.

• 44:42Mel Robbins?

  Million dollars in debt.

• 44:44Chris Robbins

  Like roommates, financial pain, all of these things that had us be in our separate corners, which only exacerbated what I experienced, which was a lot of physical and emotional absence from you. So yeah, that's the sharp poker in the eye, or what have you. That's how it felt.

• 45:05Mel Robbins?

  I want to just really unpack this, because I think it's a very common thing that people feel. When things get hard, you turn on the person that was your favorite person, and you immediately feel that shift in a relationship, and you start to feel the distance. And then you both go into your corners. And what ends up happening, at least for me, is when you stop talking and you're silent and withdrawn, I feel alone. And it really makes me feel unsafe. And then I get mad that you're not just fixing everything. And that's where it

• 45:47Mel Robbins?

  goes way deep. And it never occurred to me until you and I started working with a therapist, and Terry put those words, "normal marital hatred," out there. I'd never heard that before, that I really understood what he was talking about. And I started to realize, wait a minute, when I get scared, it's typically because you're also scared. And my little eight-year-old version gets anxious and angry and feels alone, and yours probably feels the same way. But I start going a million miles an hour, and you just get quiet. And that's when you can identify it, not as something somebody's doing intentionally, not as something

• 46:27Mel Robbins?

  that somebody's out to get you. This is the compounding effect of all of these smaller moments that creates this massive distance and disconnection. That's where you can go to work. And what's really helped me is basically going, "I married like the younger version of you. You have unfinished business with yourself. I have unfinished business with myself. And we have an opportunity, when we come at it that way, to work together to help each other finish that business and be more supportive of one another." What do you want to say?

• 47:02Chris Robbins

  Just feeling a whole lot of gratitude that we've had 30 years together to move through it versus throwing the towel.

• 47:14Mel Robbins?

  Chris, this feels like a good place to take a break, not only so that we can give our sponsors a chance to share some words, but I need to go to the bathroom. So I have so much more I want to talk to you about, and I need to have a bathroom break. And you also need to listen to our amazing sponsors. Do you need a bathroom break?

• 47:32Chris Robbins

  Always.

• 47:35Mel Robbins?

  We've got a lot more to share with you. Don't go anywhere. We'll be right back.

• 47:42Mel Robbins?

  Sometimes the hardest part of starting something new is starting, especially when it comes to exercise. That first step out the front door, oh, that's a big one. So it helps when you're wearing shoes that make it feel easier. That's why I want to tell you about our sponsor, Ultra. Their shoes are designed to make your first step and every step more comfortable. The secret is in the Ultra Fit, which has more room for your toes. And you get comfort, balance, and strength all in one, so you can move more naturally as you run, walk, or train. Whether you're just getting started or already logging serious miles, Ultra Shoes are designed to move with you, stride after stride. Shop

• 48:23Mel Robbins?

  now at ultrarunning.com and use code MEL10 for 10% off at checkout. And if you want even more savings, and you've got an HSA or FSA account, you can use those pre-tax dollars on Ultra Shoes through TruMed. Just head to truMed.com/ultra to check your eligibility, and it may save you an average of 30%. TruMed is for qualified customers. HSA, FSA, tax savings vary. Experience Ultra and stay out there at ultrarunning.com. That's A-L-T-R-A running.com. One of the things I'm most proud of here at the Mel Robbins Podcast is that we're constantly growing and hiring new, amazing people to join the team. So let me introduce

• 49:07Mel Robbins?

  you to our new producer, Matt. Matt, you just moved to Boston, joined our team, furnished your new apartment with our sponsor, Wayfair. Be honest, how empty was this place when you got the keys?

• 49:19Speaker 04

  It was pretty sad, like, air mattress on the floor, eating takeout in a lawn chair, sad.

• 49:25Mel Robbins?

  So where did you even start?

• 49:26Speaker 04

  Went straight to Wayfair, because I needed everything. Bed frame, couch, area rug, desk, you name it.

• 49:32Mel Robbins?

  How did Wayfair help you feel at home?

• 49:35Speaker 04

  Once I laid out the rug and assembled the couch, I was like, "All right, this is home now."

• 49:39Mel Robbins?

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• 50:04Mel Robbins?

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• 50:40Chris Robbins

  Hey, welcome back to the Mel Robbins Podcast.

• 50:43Mel Robbins?

  That's Chris Robbins, my husband. We are celebrating 30 years of marriage. And we have three things that we're sharing with you that we wish we would have known when we met each other. Let's just jump right back into it.

• 50:56Chris Robbins

  Let's do it.

• 50:57Mel Robbins?

  If the person listening, let's start with the person listening who is in a relationship with somebody who shuts down like you do. What would your advice be to that person about what you want them to know? When a partner is shutting down and not communicating? Cause I'm the opposite. I get angry and vent and get flooded and then I'm a jerk and then I apologize. And then I get in that cycle and I then feel more and more alone. And I know that it just shuts you down more.

• 51:31Chris Robbins

  Do you even take a moment to notice how you're feeling?

• 51:34Mel Robbins?

  No, no. Well, I didn't back then. If I did, if I had simply for many years paused in the driveway and taken a deep breath and said, okay, remember Mel, Chris is your favorite person. Life is hard right now, but you two are going to get through this together. And supporting each other right now and trying to be kind to each other and caring and considerate and curious of one another is going to make it way more likely that you two can get through this together. Do not let the world and the stress and the overwhelm that is very real overwhelm your marriage and your relationship and the power of the two of you standing together.

• 52:18Mel Robbins?

  So he's your favorite person. Chris is your favorite person. And he's probably just as scared as you are. He's probably just as stressed as you are. Take a deep breath and walk in that door and you can be tired and still be kind.

• 52:32Chris Robbins

  I mean, that's beautiful and beautifully said and easier said than done for most of us.

• 52:38Mel Robbins?

  I said, I wish I did it. I didn't say I did it.

• 52:41Chris Robbins

  So I don't really have a succinct answer to it.

• 52:43Mel Robbins?

  What do you want somebody to know? Let's say somebody's listening right now and they've always thought, wow, I'm just married to somebody who doesn't talk. I'm just married to a thinker. I'm just married to somebody who like, doesn't really talk about how they feel. What I think is very important about what you're talking about is that somebody who's quiet on the surface is still feeling deep, deep, deep emotion. And how do you help your partner? Cause I used to say to you, what are you thinking? What's going on up there? What are you thinking about? What's on your mind, Chris? And you would still deflect. Probably because you didn't want me to yell at you if you were about to open up about something.

• 53:25Chris Robbins

  Yeah, but I mean, maybe there was a period there where I didn't want to say anything, but I think it gets back to, yes, there was deep thought in there and this is not a great answer because it's not easy to do in the moment. But understanding why it is that, let's say in the instance where I'm being quiet. You know, what is that? Like where does, what's the origin of that for me? And that's where I think there was a lot of work that I did to recognize what I was missing or what I wanted. And you know, a lot of the time,

• 54:06Chris Robbins

  I think one of my light bulbs was, you know, in those, in those years where it was tough.

• 54:14Chris Robbins

  And we were running around like chickens. It was rare that we would come together and actually have a powwow. In fact, the only time we did it was when we needed to go over our calendars, which I used to kind of scoff at because I remember watching my parents do that when I was a kid and thinking that is so stupid. And then here we were on Sunday night trying to do that for ourselves. And as much as I didn't like that that's what was pulling us together. That was a great moment for me. Because there was an attempt to be close, to be aligned, to be in communication.

• 55:01Chris Robbins

  And I use that as example because it's one of those things that was like, oh, this is what's missing for me is that connection and not just communication, but as even just touch, like I didn't grow up with a lot of touch. And so it took me whatever 30, 40 years to realize just like you reaching out and holding my hand or putting your hand on my shoulder or that that simple act of intimacy was like the greatest thing in the world for me. And it takes a little bit, at least it did for me, to recognize that this is what I need. This is what I want.

• 55:45Chris Robbins

  And some of that may have come in the form of the struggles and the breakdowns and even the breakthroughs and some of the work that we've done together. But again, the reason why it doesn't sound like a great answer is because some of it is time and recognition of being able to stop and slow down a little bit to even recognize the emotion or the feeling, which is why I asked you, do you think that? Cause you are a very ready, fire, aim kind of person. And I am definitely more like ready, aim, okay, aim again, then fire.

• 56:18Mel Robbins?

  Yes. I think there's, there's a lot that I want to really dig into there because it kind of brings us to the third lesson. You use the word simple intimacy. And one of the things that we have learned the hard way is that when we are in a chapter in our relationship where we're really connected and we feel supportive of each other. And life feels manageable and I feel like you are my favorite person and I'm also treating you that way. There's something that is very obvious and present.

• 56:59Mel Robbins?

  And it is simple points of connection throughout a week. And you mentioned the calendar because this is something I never expected you to cry over, but I understand why you did. Because if you really think about why you fall in love with somebody, it's because not only does this person make you feel safe and make you feel like the version of you that you can be yourself. You don't have to compromise your values or who you are. They bring out the best in you. But there's also this incredible thing that in the beginning you have all these shared goals and dreams. You have a vision. You have a way you think your life is going to turn out. And there's a lot of time spent about what are we going to do and what are we doing this weekend?

• 57:44Mel Robbins?

  And you see your friends and there's this scaffolding and these points of connection every week in the beginning of a relationship that reminds you of why this relationship matters. And why two can feel like one when you have these points of connection. And the thing about a calendar, whether you're young parents or you've just moved in together is that life does trample you with logistics and it's way worse today with texting and social and Slack and Monday and work and email and cell phones and all that stuff. Like the volume of input that can act like a tidal wave to wash you away from your partner is endless.

• 58:28Mel Robbins?

  And so a calendar meeting on a Sunday night, not the sexiest thing in the world, brings you together and gets you aligned against a shared vision. That's why that matters. And there are a couple of things that are always present, Chris, I notice in the periods of our life where things are really good. And this is not complicated stuff. Number one, we do the calendar meeting. Cause one of my resentful accommodations is feeling like, you know, it's all up to me or, you know, I didn't ask for help or whatever. And that's a moment where you can start to ask, is there something that you need for support? Is there something you need this week? You know, you had a huge week last week and I remember saying, let me take all the dinners.

• 59:13Mel Robbins?

  Let me support you that way. Now you would never have come up to me and said, hey, I have a big week. Could you do dinners? But that calendar meeting allowed us to remind ourselves we're in this together. And what help do you need? And you always ask me, what can I do to help you this week? What do you need? The second thing that I notice is present is we take a walk a couple of mornings. Not seven days a week, but we might walk up the back loop, up the mountain we live on. We might go walk down the driveway with the dogs, but we actually two or three times a week, we just get a short walk in. Another thing that I notice is we have a couple of meals together and if we're lucky, we cook together.

• 59:57Mel Robbins?

  And we have this ritual where we ask the high, the low of the day. Lots of people have a version of this, whether it's rose, thorn, bud, or whatever. It just kind of prompts you to share more about what you're looking forward to. And then the final thing, I think this is really important because we neglected this for a while. Your relationship does not exist in a vacuum. And if you isolate your relationship from the structures that reinforce the power of being in a committed and loving and supportive relationship.

• 1:00:36Mel Robbins?

  That isolation starts to tear away at your connection because you start to feel like it's me against you, it's us against the world, all I do is work and then come home and that's my existence. And one thing we have done that I noticed in remarkable distances for our 30th wedding anniversary, instead of having a party, we said, you know what we're gonna do? We're gonna prioritize seeing friends. And we're gonna prioritize seeing people that, God, were in our wedding 30 years ago. We're gonna prioritize seeing other couples, or other families, or other friends that have been there. Because making

• 1:01:14Mel Robbins?

  time, whether it's with family, or old friends, or new friends, making time for that reinforces the memories. It reinforces the network that you've created together. Fun and connection is such a huge part of it. And when I look back at the times when we were really at each other's throats, we were not doing that. We were isolated, we were barricaded with our problems, we were at each other, we were locked away in your head, my anger. And there's

• 1:01:49Mel Robbins?

  something about getting out of your rhythm and into an intentional cycle of having plans to look ahead to. And it could just be making dinner with friends this weekend. It might be going to a live concert, like we did with one of our friends that we hadn't seen these friends for two years. We're like, why don't we go for a concert with them? That's part of our 30th wedding anniversary. And to me, it's made a huge difference. And it does something that really, again, takes me back to the beginning of when we met. And when

• 1:02:30Mel Robbins?

  the whole future was just wide open. And you feel, when you're with your person, like we have a shared vision, and we're gonna do this together. And you can find your way back to it with these three things we're talking about. That four words, you're my favorite person. This lesson around softening and remembering you are in a relationship with your partner's unfinished business. Just think about them as little eight-year-old, and you probably won't scream at them. And there's an opportunity to grow together instead of to hold grudges and to lean into each other. That's the opportunity. And then

• 1:03:13Mel Robbins?

  the final thing is, is like, really thinking about the fact that your relationship is a third person in the relationship. Like, it's you, and you're responsible for certain things for yourself, and me, and I'm responsible for certain things for myself. And you're responsible for supporting me, and I'm responsible for supporting you in ways. But there is this relationship that needs our attention. Otherwise, it's gonna die. And so those things that reinforce alignment, things to look forward to, planning the calendar every week, checking in, how can I help you this week? What do you need? Prioritizing seeing friends and family that reinforce the good years and the memories and, you know, what you've

• 1:03:58Mel Robbins?

  all been through. Because there's so much value in being reminded that, yeah, you've been through things, and you can come out the other side.

• 1:04:08Chris Robbins

  Yeah, the only thing I would add to that is just the constant recognition of the changes that are occurring. Because in the honeymoon phase, you don't want anything to change, and you don't imagine anything changing. And the reality is that change will occur. And coincidentally, many of us are seeking change over time. But we certainly can anticipate all of the ambiguities that are gonna pop up when these changes are occurring, whether we are forcing the change, or they are being forced upon us. And I think stopping and acknowledging those along the way as being sources sometimes of things like grudges

• 1:04:53Chris Robbins

  and what have you can be helpful.

• 1:04:56Mel Robbins?

  You know, I'm thinking about the fact that our daughters will often say to me, I really, like, really wanna find someone like Dad. I really hope I have a marriage that's like your guys. Oh, my gosh. And you know what I say to them? I say, first of all, the man you see at 57 is not the man I met at 26. So there have been a lot of skill building, there's been a lot of water under the bridge, there's been a lot of growth. Our marriage, when we started, did not look like it looks today. And so if you're in that spot where you're like, is this my person? Is it not my person? Will I ever have the marriage? Do you think that you could spend 30 years with the person that you're in a

• 1:05:37Mel Robbins?

  relationship with? And over the course of 30 years, is this person the kind of person that's willing to lean in and work on it and grow with you?

• 1:05:45Chris Robbins

  That was clear from day one, was our mutual interest in growth and learning and understanding, first and foremost, of ourselves, about ourselves. But the fact that we wanted to jump into that pool together was very, very attractive.

• 1:06:07Mel Robbins?

  I think that's how you know you're with the right person. You feel like yourself, you see a shared vision of growing old together, you share values, and have some overlapping goals and dreams about the way you think about your life, and the things you want out of your life. And you're both willing to lean in and grow together. You have that, you have one of the single greatest gifts that you will ever experience in life. Chris, is there anything else you wanted to say?

• 1:06:36Chris Robbins

  No, I mean, it sounds trite, but I just love the fact that we've had 30 years, even though lots of them were tough. I love that we're still in it together. I love that we took the time to learn some of these things, to give each other the space to learn these things, which I know at times didn't come easy. But I am feeling lots of gratitude for our 30 years.

• 1:07:06Mel Robbins?

  Well, we definitely grew together.

• 1:07:09Chris Robbins

  Majorly.

• 1:07:10Mel Robbins?

  And I do remember times where I'm like, this is just a moment. This is not the whole marriage. This is just a moment. We will get through this. Things will be better again. And I really do wish, though, that the three things that we shared today, you and I had had going into this marriage. And I'm grateful that we have these tools as we continue forward in it. Because I know we're celebrating 30 years, but I was thinking about it today. I can't do math very well. I'm trying to think of the math here, guys. Like, if I live to be 100 years, what would 75 be? So 75 would be 45 more years. Oh,

• 1:07:54Mel Robbins?

  God, that's 102?

• 1:07:56Chris Robbins

  Well, it'd be another 20.

• 1:07:57Mel Robbins?

  What? No, we've been married 30.

• 1:07:59Chris Robbins

  Oh, in our marriage.

• 1:08:01Mel Robbins?

  Yeah. Wouldn't it be cool to celebrate our 75th wedding anniversary? Is it even possible to live that long? How old is that? I'm 57.

• 1:08:08Chris Robbins

  We'd need another, we'd need another 45 years.

• 1:08:10Mel Robbins?

  Wow, 45 years I could spend with you?

• 1:08:13Chris Robbins

  As long as I'm not drooling on myself. Yeah, that'd be awesome.

• 1:08:17Mel Robbins?

  You'd still be my favorite person.

• 1:08:18Chris Robbins

  I wonder about that.

• 1:08:24Mel Robbins?

  Oh, God. I would love to reach our 75th wedding anniversary. That would put us at 102. Do you think we can make it?

• 1:08:35Chris Robbins

  I think we're doing all the right things to try to get there, for sure.

• 1:08:40Mel Robbins?

  All right. Well, let's put it in the calendar.

• 1:08:42Chris Robbins

  Well, I just want to remind you that on our second date, when we declared we were gonna marry each other, I hesitated to say that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I really thought about it in the moment, like, should I tell her that? Because I'm feeling that. And the reason why I did feel that, and I said something on our second date, was because in that moment, I had a visual of you and I, very old, in two rocking chairs on the front porch of an old house. And that vision popped up in my head, and I thought, I really do wanna be in those rocking chairs together. And that's what

• 1:09:25Chris Robbins

  compelled me to even say, I want that. So yeah, amen to 102. Hope, I hope we're there.

• 1:09:33Mel Robbins?

  Let's create it, Chris Robbins. Let's create it. I am so happy that you were here with me and Chris. Thank you for taking the time to listen to this. Thank you for watching it. Like, you cannot listen to or watch this conversation with the person you're in a relationship with and not feel compelled to have a deeper conversation. There's just no way. Based on what Chris shared, based on what I shared, based on these lessons, based on the topics that we covered, that I'm sure I could almost feel you nodding along, like, that's me, that's my partner. And if there's one thing that we kept coming

• 1:10:18Mel Robbins?

  back to over and over, and that we've come back to, is that you can't solve problems you're not willing to talk about. And you'll never process feelings that you keep burying. And hardening isn't going to improve your relationship. So if you really do want to go the distance with one another, and of course you do, that's why you're listening, why not soften? Why not find your way back to this person that you fell in love with? And we are here to tell you, because we've been through hell and back, it is absolutely possible. And these simple lessons that we shared, and some of the simple tools that we've used, have helped us do that. And in case no one else tells you, I wanted to be

• 1:10:59Mel Robbins?

  sure to tell you, as your friend, that I love you, and I'm sure Chris loves you, too. And we believe in your ability to create a better life. And part of what makes for a much better life is more fulfilling relationships. And I know that what we shared with you will give you the tools to create them. All right. I'll see you in the very next episode. I'm gonna welcome you in the moment you hit play.

• 1:11:31Mel Robbins?

  Well, the one thing that I will share with you is this moment is possibly...

• 1:11:38Chris Robbins

  What you've been waiting for all your life? Well, once again, nobody did my hair and makeup, so...

• 1:11:43Mel Robbins?

  I did my own.

• 1:11:45Chris Robbins

  I'm...

• 1:11:47Mel Robbins?

  I could do yours. I could give you some powder.

• 1:11:52Mel Robbins?

  Normally, I'm the one that's impatient.

• 1:11:55Chris Robbins

  I'm ready, man. I have been prepped.

• 1:11:57Mel Robbins?

  Put your, put your mic up to your mouth. All right, well, let's go back to the thing. That can be a blooper.

• 1:12:04Mel Robbins?

  Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.

• 1:12:46Mel Robbins?

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• 1:13:28Mel Robbins?

  with only essential ingredients and zero dyes and perfumes. Check out the label and see for yourself. It lists all the ingredients and what they do. And All Free Clear is the number one detergent brand recommended by dermatologists for sensitive skin. When it comes to laundry detergent, the choice is clear. All Free Clear. Pick up a bottle for your next laundry day. This episode is brought to you by SoFi, the everything app for smarter money. Let me ask you something. Is your money working for you? Or is it just sitting there? A lot of us work hard, get paid, and then leave our paycheck in checking. That's an easy habit to change. With SoFi Checking and Savings, you can earn up to 3.8% savings APY

• 1:14:13Mel Robbins?

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