201: This Is What Happens When You Finally Choose Yourself

In this raw birthday episode, Sabrina gets honest about the hidden cost of personal growth and what nobody warns you about when you actually start doing the work. From losing friends who only knew the old version of you, to grieving the identity you outgrew on purpose, to realizing success doesn't fix your insecurities or quiet your anxiety, this is the unfiltered truth about healing that the self-help world skips over. If you've ever wondered why your "best year ever" also feels like the loneliest, this episode explains exactly why, backed by Harvard research on identity loss during major life change. Tune in for an honest conversation about why healing isn't linear, why setting boundaries can push away people you love, why guilt shows up when you start choosing yourself, and how to sit in the uncomfortable in-between when your old life doesn't fit but your new one doesn't feel like yours yet. Plus, Sabrina shares a powerful Identity Inventory tool to track how far you've actually come, the "for now" reframe that interrupts catastrophic thinking, and why corrective experiences rewire your nervous system. Essential listening for anyone in their growth era, working through attachment patterns, navigating self-abandonment, or questioning whether they're doing this healing thing right. Sparkle outfit thanks to Hand Over Pre-order Sabrina's book coming out October 2026,⁠ "Why Am I Like This?"⁠ If you’re ready to slow down, trust your instincts, and break your old dating patterns, the Healthy Relationship Foundations Course walks you through it step-by-step ⁠HERE!⁠ If you’re serious about changing your dating patterns instead of repeating them, the Art of Going Slow course helps you unlearn urgency, regulate your nervous system, and build real connection without rushing, chasing, or abandoning yourself ⁠HERE!⁠ Get Ad free ⁠HERE!⁠ Want to work with Sabrina? ⁠HERE!⁠ Get merch for The Sabrina Zohar Show ⁠HERE!⁠ Don't forget to follow ⁠Sabrina⁠ and ⁠The Sabrina Zohar Show⁠ on Instagram and ⁠Sabrina ⁠on TikTok! Video now available on ⁠YOUTUBE!⁠ Please support our sponsors! Our listeners can buy one prescription pair and get 20% off additional pairs at WarbyParker.com/SABRINA — and using our link helps support the show. ============================= Chapters: 00:00 The Hidden Cost of Growth 04:25 Why Growth Is So Lonely 09:29 Grieving Old Versions of You 14:21 Why Success Doesn't Fix You 17:46 Anxiety in Healthy Relationships 19:46 The For Now Reframe 21:48 Boundaries Hurt People You Love 23:07 Why Healing Isn't Linear 25:21 Sitting in the In-Between 26:40 Identity Inventory Tool Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formerly known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A. Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Ugh, I hate Mondays.

• 0:01Speaker 01

  King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Swirl Bite?

• 0:03Speaker 00

  Uh, Taylor Hansen? Sure, I'll try one. Mmm.

• 0:09Speaker 02

  Hey, let's get back to work, please.

• 0:10Speaker 00

  But Taylor Hansen's making my day way better with these new soft and swirly King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Bites.

• 0:15Speaker 02

  Taylor Hansen? Nice.

• 0:17Speaker 01

  Try one.

• 0:18Speaker 02

  Mmm.

• 0:22Speaker 03

  King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Bites. There's nothing like it.

• 0:30Sabrina Zohar?

  We hear the buzzwords, "Do the work," and "Invest in yourself," and "Love yourself." But nobody tells you what the fuck that actually means or looks like. And I want to talk about the stuff that no one warns you about when you start doing the work and actually growing. Because the truth is, the best year of your life can also be one of the fucking hardest, and nobody talks about that. Everyone talks about the glow up, everyone talks about the wins, but nobody talks about what it costs you to get there. So that's what we're gonna talk about today. Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar, and I am your host. You might be asking, "Sab, why are you so glistened?" Because it's my motherfucking birthday episode! Yes, that's right, your girl is turning 36. Now, you're gonna probably listen to this after, and you'll be like, "All right, happy belated birthday." But it doesn't change anything!

• 1:14Sabrina Zohar?

  And I really wanted to talk about what the cost of growth and healing looks like. Because we can look at people on the outside and think, "They have the life, and they have everything I want." But we don't know what it actually looks like on the inside. And I want to normalize your experience and your journey, because you see the highlight reel, but you don't really see the bloopers of most people. So today, we're gonna talk about that. Guys, as always, thank you for being here! We get to celebrate! Please, don't forget, please, please, please, leave a comment, a rating, a review. Put it in your Facebook groups, share these episodes with your friends. That is literally all we ask for. If you guys need anything, you can work one-on-one, join one of our courses. We've got two incredible courses, and coming out with more. You can ask a question, everything's in the link in show notes. Or you could support the show by doing ad-free. I know some of you guys might say, "I don't really care about the ads."

• 1:59Sabrina Zohar?

  But it even just helps support us to kind of keep things going. And it's like, "Buy me a coffee every month." But you don't need to do that. Uh, you don't need to buy me a coffee, I'm good, I drink matcha anyways. But thank you, guys, for the support. Or just support our sponsors, like, they help us keep the show free and keep it accessible, so... All right, babes, without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Guys, I can't believe it. It's my, it's my fucking birthday! And every year, I like to really have an honest conversation with you guys. Because the last couple of years have been really fucking tough. Not because, "Oh, woe is me, and I hope that everybody finds that I'm a victim." No, because it's the reality. And every birthday, I take time to have stock and inventory on where I've been, where I want to go, what are the milestones I've hit? Can I show some appreciation?

• 2:44Sabrina Zohar?

  Can I also mourn some things? And I think that's incredibly important because we hear so often, like, "Your life can change in a year," and that is not an understatement. But at what cost? At what cost? And that's, I think, what's really important that I really want to hit on today. Now, guys, I just want a quick shout-out to Handover for my amazing outfit. They sent it to me for my birthday, and I'm so grateful. Isn't this so fun? So shout-out to them, and thank you to Cosas for my makeup. I just got such a treat for my birthday. And I really want to say thank you to the people and the brands and the audience and the community that believe in me. Because I wouldn't be here without you guys. And I know I might say that at nauseam, and I might say, like, "Can we please create a community?" But in full transparency, the reason I'm trying to create this community is because I need it too.

• 3:28Sabrina Zohar?

  I didn't realize I was going to cry within the first three minutes of this episode, but here we go. I need you guys. I need a community. I need a safe place too. And so, I'm not just creating this because I'm bored at home and I have nothing else. It's because I never had that. I never had a place where I felt like myself. I never had a place where I could be authentically me and be accepted. Because it was always, "Water yourself down, Sabrina. You're too much, you're too needy, you're too this." And I'm so fucking tired of that narrative. Because who you are is perfect as you are. Can we grow and evolve abso-fucking-lutely? That is the point of life. We are a forever student. But who you are today matters. And who you are today is loved by someone out there. So please don't forget, and if that person is me, then I send you the biggest fucking hug.

• 4:13Sabrina Zohar?

  Because we need more people like you around. We need your light. So please don't fucking dim it for other people who can't be there to support you in the ways that you need. I know I could be a broken record. I know that I might say often, like, you know, "I curse, and I speak fast, and this is who I am." And it's like, but I do that for a very specific reason. Because if I can't show up as me, then how the fuck are you going to show up as you? That's why the show is marked explicit for all the people that like to come. Like, "I can't stand her cursing." It's like, then find someone fucking else, man. Like, goddamn. What I've realized is we're just in a time where everything is immediate and Amazon. And we have this complete... We're not able to deal with any discomfort. "I don't want to be hurt." "I don't want to be uncomfortable." "I don't want to be just inconvenienced." Welcome to fucking life. Life is really shitty. Life hurts. Life is hard. But you choose your hard.

• 4:57Sabrina Zohar?

  And we have got to stop with needing everything to be immediate and having to know the answer, because that's how you grow. You grow when you are uncomfortable. You grow when you don't know what's gonna happen. You grow because you trust yourself that no matter what, you will fucking be okay. You have made it through every bad day, because you're sitting here right now. You have made it through every heartbreak, every no-contact, every time somebody put you down. You have made it through. So stop looking for answers outside of you, because you have had it the whole fucking time. And maybe I just need to be here to remind you that your light is fucking important, and I need you to fucking brighten it, not dim it for the people that can't show up in the ways that you need. So let's talk about some of the costs that growth incurs. Because I know for me, it has been a bit of a charring shock.

• 5:39Sabrina Zohar?

  I have been doing this work for myself now since 2018. I started therapy in 2017, so we're talking nine years. But I took it more seriously in 2018 after the breakup, after I lost myself, after I hit rock bottom. And there are times where I don't recognize myself. You guys will even ask me stories, and I'm like, "I...

• 5:58Sabrina Zohar?

  I'm blanking on what I used to think then, because it's so foreign to me." But that doesn't mean that I don't value all of those lessons. I don't regret a single heartache. I don't regret a single fucking thing in my life, because if I regret that, then I'm just trying to live in the past on something I can't change. But you know what I can do? I can choose the future that I want. I can choose the people I allow in my life. And I can choose the version of myself that's going to show up in the future, and that is the only thing I have control over. And every single heartbreak and every single situation brought me to where I am now. So for me to get rid of that would mean to get rid of part of my personality and a part of who I am. And instead of that, I'm gonna fucking love that part. I'm gonna show up for that part. And I'm gonna thank that part for getting me through it when nobody else was there to help me along.

• 6:39Sabrina Zohar?

  So the first thing, truly, that nobody warned me about is that growth can be the loneliest thing you ever do. It is. You're changing and the people around you don't always come with you. And no one tells you how much that's going to hurt, right? You think that when you start leveling up, everyone around you is going to be excited for you. And there are some people, of course, right? Like, you have your cheerleaders, you have your friends that are like, "Yes, I've been fucking waiting for this. I've been waiting for this person to get a fucking clue." But then you have the people that benefited from the fact that you didn't have boundaries, that benefited from the fact that you played small, that benefited from the version of you that was showing up. That's the harsh reality. Growth is not linear. And there are going to be a lot of people in your life that are going to try to fucking rip you down because your growth is a threat to their homeostasis

• 7:22Sabrina Zohar?

  because they benefited from the fact that you were the version that showed up. You gotta know that if you lose people, that's okay. You're losing the people that weren't in your corner to begin with because somebody that's fucking stoked for you and proud of your growth is going to support you no matter fucking what because they're excited for you, not jealous or trying to rip you off that fucking stand so that they can put themselves on there. You gotta remember, not everyone's going to be in your corner. And some of those people are the ones you expected to celebrate you the loudest, right? That part can be jarring. You start realizing that some relationships were only built to hold a certain version of you and when you outgrow that version, the relationship doesn't stretch with you. I have had my fair share of friends that I've had to say goodbye to and I'll tell you right now, there's a couple, of course, that I miss, right?

• 8:05Sabrina Zohar?

  I miss the jokes, I miss the calls, I miss feeling seen by this person. But there's a good portion of people that I don't. Because for so long, we're taught this like, you know, "best friends forever" and hold on to everybody and the person I met has to be the one. But we're not really taught how to grieve that, how to be okay with when you level up. You're gonna have a lot of people that are either stoked for you or not. And that is fucking part of this. As you grow and heal, don't be shocked if you have family members that start to get upset with you. Don't be shocked if some of your friends start to give you an attitude or the people that you're dating or in a relationship with don't know what to do with that. Now, that doesn't make everybody bad. That doesn't mean you have to run from every person. But what that does mean is that you gotta be cognizant and aware that you showing up as a new version of you is going to threaten other people.

• 8:50Sabrina Zohar?

  And it's not a bad thing. I know that. I have experienced that firsthand. I have friends now that I am so grateful to have in my life. I have one of my friends, a dear friend of mine, Emily Morris. Sex with Emily is her podcast. Go listen. She's fucking amazing. And I had one really good day in sales. And when we went out to lunch, she said, "How are you?" And I told her, and she started squealing, and she's like, "No, we're not gonna talk about anything until you celebrate how fucking great you did today." And that meant so much to me, because very few people celebrate those wins with me and the growth. A lot of people are just focused on the version that you were, but not necessarily the version that you're becoming. And so I think it's really important to have the people, and if, here's the thing. If you don't have anybody in your corner right now to celebrate you, allow me to be that person.

• 9:34Sabrina Zohar?

  I am so fucking proud of you. I am so proud of how far you've come. Even if you don't see it, we do. Because you're here. You're doing this for you. You care about your fucking life in a way that other people don't. And if no one's gonna celebrate that, I will. Because you're fucking doing it, and that's a lot more than most other people can say. So, part of this, right? And we had that episode a few weeks ago about the harsh truth number four, right, and the no contact, no closure episode about like grieving. And I think the part that's really messed up to me is like, you're gonna grieve the versions of yourself that you outgrew on purpose. Right? Like, you chose to leave those versions behind. You did the work to not be that person anymore. And you might still miss that part. You might still miss how simple things were, right? You miss not knowing what you know now.

• 10:17Sabrina Zohar?

  My mama always used to say, you know, "Knowledge is a burden at times, because it's easier to be blissfully unaware than to carry the weight of the knowledge of what we're bringing into it." And I've even sometimes thought that. I'm like, "Man, I wish I wasn't so fucking self-aware to understand all of this." But then I look at the people that aren't, and I say, "Man, that's a sort, that's its own kind of hell." I don't envy somebody that's emotionally unavailable, because somebody emotionally unavailable can't tap into their emotions and feelings, struggles to be present with those. But you know what that also means? Somebody emotionally unavailable isn't living a full, robust life with all of the spectrum of emotions and feelings. The highs and the lows are part of it. Now, we don't wanna live on a roller coaster.

• 10:56Sabrina Zohar?

  I don't envy those people. And I remember, I'll never forget, when my parents divorced, my mom said, "I wish I could be like your father." Just not care, move on quickly, go from person to person. And I remember, I was like 18, and I remember looking at her and saying, "I don't. I don't envy him because he has to live so alone. He doesn't have really good friends, he doesn't have people that are like really got his back." And I was like, "He doesn't get to experience the full spectrum." I have empathy and compassion for that. But I don't, I don't want to become that. I love being a big personality, right? For everybody that's been told you're too much, that's just because somebody else couldn't handle the version of you that was showing up. Again, maybe your behavior might have been a lot, okay, alright, I've been there, I've done that. But you are not too much, you are just fucking enough.

• 11:40Sabrina Zohar?

  And you gotta be around people that can handle how beautiful you shine and not try to dim you down because it threatens their own fucking light. And I know, you miss the version of you that didn't have standards because, hey, at least that version wasn't lonely. And that grief is real and no one talks about it. How do you explain to somebody that you're sad about becoming a better version of yourself? They don't understand that there are gonna be things that you miss. Connections and circumstances and experiences that you had when you were the person that was maybe a little unhealthier. And it doesn't mean it's a bad thing, it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you. You're allowed to grieve and mourn the versions of yourself that you were, and you're also allowed to miss those versions. But you're also allowed to know, you don't have to go back to that because we're not looking back, baby, we're looking forward. You're not going that fucking way. And, as always, you know I come with research that backs this up.

• 12:24Sabrina Zohar?

  So there was a study at Harvard that looked at how loss and big life changes reshape your sense of self. What they found is that people going through significant change had fewer ways to describe who they were. So their sense of identity got smaller, they lost access to the preferences and activities that used to define them. And here's what hit me about this. It doesn't just apply to losing a person, it applies to losing the version of yourself you used to be. When you outgrow a friendship, when you leave a relationship, when you change your entire fucking life, even when those changes are positive, you will still experience a very real loss. And the research actually showed that when changes are good, people are ashamed to admit they feel anything but grateful. And I think that's why growth feels like grief sometimes, because it literally is. Your brain is processing the loss of a fucking identity that you used to hold on to.

• 13:07Sabrina Zohar?

  So, if you're in the middle of a season where everything is technically going well, but you feel sad or disconnected, that's not something wrong with you, baby. That's just your brain catching up with the fact that you're not where you were six months ago, and I'm really fucking proud of you. This episode is sponsored by Warby Parker. You guys, spring is here! You got your weddings, you got your trips, you got your hangs, you've got so many things where photos are gonna be taken, and you know what you gotta remember? Your glasses are in all of them, every single moment. And it's funny, I am one of the only Zohars that doesn't need to wear glasses all the time, but baby, as I'm getting older, I need them for nighttime and for driving. And what happens is I end up wearing them into a party or an event, and mama wants to look chic throughout it all, and that's why I'm obsessed with Warby Parker. I've had like 10 pairs of Warby Parker glasses over the last 10 years.

• 13:50Sabrina Zohar?

  My brother has Warby Parker, my mom does, we are all obsessed. And the reason I love them is because nothing comes close on quality, price, selection, and customer service. Once you buy from Warby Parker, you realize how much easier they've made the entire process. They have a virtual try-on, it's a total game changer. You can literally try on glasses from your phone before you buy, and it's kinda crazy how well it works. Plus, the quality, I just can't get over how much I love them. And Warby Parker has distributed over 20 million pairs of glasses to people in need through its "Buy a Pair, Give a Pair" program. And that's why I love them even more. And Warby Parker is covered by major eye insurance plans, so they make it incredibly easy to use. It's the perfect time to upgrade your glasses for spring.

• 14:31Sabrina Zohar?

  Buy one prescription pair and get 20% off any additional prescription pairs at warbyparker.com/sabrina. That's again, 20% off additional prescription pairs when you go to W-A-R-B-Y-parker.com/sabrina. Ugh, I hate Mondays.

• 14:47Speaker 01

  Kings Hawaiian cinnamon swirl bite?

• 14:48Sabrina Zohar?

  Uh, Taylor Hansen? Sure, I'll try one.

• 14:51Speaker 01

  Mmm.

• 14:54Speaker 02

  Hey, let's get back to work, please.

• 14:55Sabrina Zohar?

  But Taylor Hansen's making my day way better with these new Soft & Swirly Kings Hawaiian cinnamon bites.

• 15:00Speaker 02

  Taylor Hansen? Nice!

• 15:02Speaker 01

  Try one.

• 15:07Speaker 03

  King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Bites. There's nothing like it.

• 15:15Sabrina Zohar?

  I sometimes have felt guilty. I will look and say, there's nothing wrong, right? You could look inside my life and be like, you have everything. You've got the partner, you've got the career, you've got all these things. But that doesn't mean that I'm happy. Because, you know what the other thing that nobody warned me about? Success doesn't fucking fix you. No one warned me about that. You can't afford therapy? Don't worry, start your own fucking business. It's gonna challenge you in ways you never imagined possible. It's gonna hit those core beliefs. It's gonna hit those littles. It's gonna make you wonder how the fuck you could do this. Because you know why? You have no one but yourself to rely on. When you're an entrepreneur, you have to be the spear header. You have to pay everybody. You gotta figure out how to keep that fucking ship going. And if that triggers the little part of you that always wanted to be saved and fixed, then it's not gonna be shocking that being an entrepreneur

• 16:00Sabrina Zohar?

  or having success is going to feel really foreign to you because your nervous system doesn't understand how you need to take the lead. It's still waiting for someone to come and save you. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. That just means that you now need to step into the power and into the version that you didn't have when you were little so that you can take care of yourself in a way that nobody ever fucking did. Success does not fix your fucking insecurities. It gives you a bigger stage. The same voice that said, "You're not enough when you have nothing", still shows up when you have everything. You think like, "Oh yeah, when I hit that goal, I'll feel confident. When I make this amount of money, I'll feel secure." But the reality is, that day never comes. It's a moving target. And that's the same with like, "When I lose weight, I'm gonna feel this. When I get a partner, I'm gonna feel this." If your life is, "When this, then this", you are setting yourself up for fucking failure.

• 16:45Sabrina Zohar?

  Because if you're waiting for something to happen, for you to feel good about yourself, you will be waiting forever because you're just releasing dopamine in anticipation of. That's why you'll feel flat when you do reach the goal. Because they're two different receptors of the brain. The anticipation of, and then the actual reward. So don't feel like you have to wait for something for you to start living your fucking life because here's the reality. You're not granted another day. You're not given a guarantee that you're going to have this opportunity. So make the most of your fucking life now. Whether you're single, in a relationship, or anywhere in between, that doesn't matter. Show up for you, or don't fucking show up at all. When I really started to get into this work, holy shit. This has triggered me in ways I never imagined possible. Showing up for you guys every week, being scared, right? My book is coming out. You guys could preorder it!

• 17:30Sabrina Zohar?

  Or we're gonna do a proper launch, don't worry. It's called "Why Am I Like This?", and it's on Amazon. Thank you. And you guys got a free course if you preorder, just to let you guys know, I'm giving you a thank you. And the only way I can get into Barnes and Noble and Target and all that is from preorders. The only way I can make New York's timeless is on preorders. Do you know how fucking scared I am? Do you know how scared I am to launch this, to put this out into the world, to be vulnerable at stories I've never shared? I'm terrified, but that doesn't mean I'm not gonna do it. That means I'm gonna do it and then just make sure I have the support that I need. And that's what I mean by like, success doesn't automatically mean, because like, I'll never forget when I first started my clothing line. My partner told me, "Don't worry," he had a very successful business, and he goes, "The only difference is I have more zeros to my problems." And I didn't get it, and now I'm like, "I see what you mean."

• 18:14Sabrina Zohar?

  Right? When you get there, that voice is still there. It just has like a nicer backdrop and view. And nobody tells you that, right? Nobody tells you that you achieving your dreams and still feeling like a fraud is one of the most common experiences of growth that there ever fucking was. Because that version of you doesn't just go away, right? Somebody had asked the other day, "When will the anxiety go away?" Because I'm in a happy and successful relationship. And the reality is, that doesn't go away. You don't just get rid of anxiety because now you have a healthy and secure partner. Because the anxiety was never about them to begin with, it's about you. It's about what's coming up for you, and the insecurities and the core beliefs and the stories that you created about why you could never have that. So just because you suddenly have it, doesn't mean that that all goes away.

• 18:56Sabrina Zohar?

  Because if that were the case, baby, we would all be in a totally different place if I just needed something different to change my inside. Because external doesn't change internal change. And that's a really, really harsh reality when you're doing this growth work. You're gonna have those people, and you're like, "Oh shit, okay." Even though I have amazing friends, it's gonna be hard to receive. Because you're always waiting for the other shoe to drop. You're wondering if they're gonna figure you out. You're wondering what's gonna happen. That's really normal. Now what we do is we have something called a corrective experience. A corrective experience is a cue to your nervous system, right? "Oh, in the past, friends have always fucked me over, but this person's showing up for me." So it allows your nervous system to say, "Oh, a new experience, right? This one's a positive one. Yay." It's just a different, different environment for your nervous system to be able to grow in a different way.

• 19:42Sabrina Zohar?

  The other thing that was really shocking to me when I started doing all this work is like... There's the guilt, right? You're going to feel guilty for being happy, especially if the people you love are still struggling. And also, if that's been your personality, right? I was. I was the girl that was a hot mess. I was the girl that was always the lost cause, and she's a fucking loser, and she's never gonna make it. So when you do start to make it, you don't just get rid of that personality and that version of yourself, because that's the one that was leading the car. What you learn to is saying, "Oh, that's no longer what I'm going to identify as." Especially if you came from a situation where everyone was in survival mode together. When you're the one who makes it out, or even just the one who starts making different choices, there's the weight that comes with it, right? Like, you don't deserve to be happy if the people around you aren't.

• 20:25Sabrina Zohar?

  Or like, your happiness is somehow a betrayal of where you came from. And no one warns you about that. That you're allowed to take up space and celebrate your wins. You're also allowed to hold space for somebody else who's celebrating theirs, even if you're not in a good place. If you're struggling right now, I want you to do this one thing. At the end of every fucking sentence, I want you to add "for now." "I'm lonely for now." "I'm great for now." "I'm struggling for now." Because all you have is right now. When we say these sweeping generalizations, "I'm never gonna find anybody." "I'm gonna be alone forever." What you're telling your brain is like, "Whoop, get used to that, baby. Start to mourn it right now." But if you add "for now," what you're saying is, "This is this moment." But that doesn't mean tomorrow that something can't change. It doesn't mean that tomorrow that you don't go to a coffee shop and meet the fucking love of your life, or get an email that changes your life.

• 21:09Sabrina Zohar?

  So just because it's not here, right now, doesn't mean it will be like that forever. It's just for now. And the thing too is like, you will still have moments where you have everything you asked for and still feel empty. That doesn't mean that you're ungrateful. It means you're a fucking human. And yeah, sometimes you do build the life that you dreamed of, and then you stand inside of it and think, "Why don't I feel the way I thought I would?" The gap between expectation and experience is one of the most disorienting parts of growth, because you can't even complain about it, right? Who's gonna feel sorry for you when you get everything that you fucking wanted? That's why I was saying earlier the like, "When this, then this." If you can't be happy where you are, you're not gonna be happy when you get to where you wanna go. Because then, what I'm saying by that is, then it's not about the external. Now, of course, listen. There's a difference between like, "Hey, I'm struggling. I've got no fucking money. I can't even rub two cents together."

• 21:54Sabrina Zohar?

  And then all of a sudden, you start making money, and you're like, "Okay, cool," right? There's the survival components, that you're like, "Yes, that changed my life." And then there's the external stuff. I hear it every day. "When I get a boyfriend or a girlfriend, I'm gonna be happy." "When I make more money, I'm gonna be happy." "When I do X, Y, and Z, I'm gonna be more happy." I hate to be the bearer of bad news. You probably won't. You won't because we don't know how to appreciate that. Because then the next step is, "I'm gonna lose it all." But what if it goes away? Right? I remember even when I started the podcast and I was just like, "I'd be happy if anybody listens to this." And then as I started growing, growing, growing, it became so scary so that when the name change happened, I was like, "Oh my god, you lost everything." And it felt like that. Did I lose a lot? Yep. We've talked about this, you guys know. But now I get to rebuild myself in the way that I want to be,

• 22:36Sabrina Zohar?

  in the version that I want to be and to be the version that I believe that I actually am, not the one that I was taught about when I was a kid. And I want to talk about something that I think was pretty jarring for me when I really started to do all this work. Boundaries. Everyone tells you to set boundaries, but nobody tells you that boundaries don't just push away the wrong people. They sometimes push away people you love who can't just meet you where you're at. Setting a boundary with someone you care about is one of the hardest fucking things you'll ever do because the boundary is right and it still hurts. And you have to be able to sit with both of those things and have them true at the same time. You're allowed to set a boundary. You're allowed to hurt someone's feelings. You're allowed to disappoint other people. That doesn't mean that you did anything wrong. That just means that both of you guys need to acclimate to the new version that you're fucking becoming. And boundaries, I remember when I first started saying, "No." That was shocking.

• 23:21Sabrina Zohar?

  I remember having family members that pushed back. I had friends that pushed back. I remember even guys I dated when I would say like, "That doesn't work for me." "Whoa, jeez, why are you being such a diva?" And you're like, "What the fuck are you talking about?" And I started to learn that then that means that that person's not safe for me. There were people, even my own family, when I would say something and they, you know, they weren't used to that. They weren't used to me saying, "No, I'm not gonna do that." "I used to, you're right, but I'm not gonna do that anymore." That doesn't mean that we have to get rid of these people. That just means that we start to acclimate a little bit. And yeah, there might be the black sheep. You might be the black sheep. I was, I was the first person in my family to start doing all of this work and really start to hone in on the lessons and the learnings and the this. Growth is not linear. And you're gonna piss people off along your journey. I don't know, whoever told you that growth is easy fucking lied to you.

• 24:06Sabrina Zohar?

  Growth is not easy. Healing is not easy. And it's also not a fucking destination. Healing doesn't look like you arrive somewhere. It looks like you're catching yourself a little bit faster. That the triggers don't disappear. You just stop letting them run the show. Today, growth just means that you're actually stepping into a version of yourself that you are fucking proud of, and not somebody that is trying to get other people to be proud of you. I used to think that healing meant I would reach a point where nothing bothered me anymore. Where like, I wouldn't get activated, I wouldn't spiral, but that's not what it is. Healing is when you spiral for two hours instead of two weeks. Healing is when you notice the pattern before you're already deep in it. It's not a finish line, right? This is a practice, and you have to re-choose yourself over and over and over again. It is not a one-time decision. I use the gym analogy because it's just the one that I know the best.

• 24:50Sabrina Zohar?

  If you were to go to the gym, you get a six-pack, you gotta maintain that! You have to go every fucking week, or you lose weight, or you start eating better, or you start going on walks. You don't just do it once and then like, "That's it!" You gotta create a pattern, you have to make a decision every single day. That might look like waking up and meditating every single morning to get yourself into a place that works. That might look like working with a doctor, or a functional medicine doctor. That's why I fucking love Dr. Tori so much, because I get to do different things and every day I get to make different choices to grow into the version of myself that I actually deserve to be, to take care of myself. Every time, why do you think I set such boundaries with you guys about like, I'm not just making you guys free shit? I don't just answer DMs as if I'm sitting on my fucking couch all day, just giving free advice. Because my time matters, and when I invest, when I spend, like, I just joined a group, it was very expensive,

• 25:36Sabrina Zohar?

  and I'm so stoked I did it, because I made an investment in myself and I'm fucking using it. That's why I have courses, because I want you guys to remember that when you spend money on something, you fucking do it. You don't do that when something is free, right? You could watch this podcast every day and not implement shit, but if you spent money on it, you're like, "No, girl, I'm gonna do that differently." It's decision, that also includes your time, not just monetary being fiscal, but also your time, right? That meditation and journaling and doing regulating techniques and going to therapy and having all of these modalities. And it's really important to remember that these are decisions you make every single day. And that's the thing, the same with no contact and not reaching out, or not chasing somebody. You make a choice every single day to become the version of yourself that you deserve to be. So what choices are you gonna make today? Remember, it's not a one-time thing.

• 26:22Sabrina Zohar?

  And honestly, the last thing that nobody really warned me about was building the life you want requires you to sit in the fucking discomfort of not recognizing your own life for a while. There is that in-between phase, where your old life doesn't fit anymore, but your new life doesn't feel like it's yours yet. And you're in the middle, and it's uncomfortable, and I'm gonna age myself. Do you guys remember the Jimmy Eat World song? "The Middle"? "It just takes some time, little girl, you're in the middle of the ride." That song got me through so many dark times. Or the other one like "The sun will come out, nothing good ever comes quickly." Like, I remember just listening to those songs and having to prep my brain to saying, "It's not gonna be that quick, it's not gonna be that easy, this is not fucking Amazon, you don't just get your healing at the fucking front door when you just ordered it online. You have to invest."

• 27:07Sabrina Zohar?

  And there are going to be moments between the old and the new where you're like, "This is a weird limbo." Right? And I know you might start wondering like, "Did you make a mistake?" You did not. That's just what a transition feels like. It's supposed to feel unfamiliar, that's how you know it's actually new. Here's something that most people don't talk about when it comes to your healing journey. You have never been this version of yourself before, so how the fuck are you gonna know what you need to do? This is the first time that maybe you're setting boundaries, that maybe you're choosing yourself, that maybe you are putting yourself first and not self-abandoning. So of course you're not gonna actually know how to do all of this right, that's part of it. Give yourself some compassion and grace, you've never been this version of yourself before, so take your time to grow into it and not just try to fucking bypass it because you're uncomfortable. So as always, baby, I'm gonna give you a tool of the week! Because duh, that's what's important! So your tool of the week, I'm calling it the Identity Inventory.

• 27:52Sabrina Zohar?

  So, maybe you do this on your birthday, or at the end of the year, or honestly, whenever you need a fucking reminder of how far you've come. Write two lists side by side. On the left, things I believed about myself a year ago, and then on the right, what I believe now. And I don't want you to judge either list, and honestly, you guys can put it in the comments, I wanna share in your wins, I'd love to see how far you've come. Even if maybe you just do this from this time until last year, right? Just a year in retrospect. I will tell you this, I believed about myself a year ago that I wasn't gonna be able to do this, that I was gonna lose everything, that I'm a fucking loser and no one likes me, and that's it, you can't figure this out. And what I believe now, is that, I still don't necessarily think I have everything I need, but I have shown myself and proven myself, that I will make it no matter what.

• 28:37Sabrina Zohar?

  That I have a lot of things that I really can't wait and I look forward to, right? Whether it be the book, or the tour, or all of these incredible things, right? Trying to, my, my dream is to have my own TV show. I wanna help people in a different way. And that doesn't mean I'm not gonna still kinda try to perceive and try to grow for that, and try to get that. But me looking at those two lists and being really, really real with myself, what changed? The distinction between the two? That I believe in myself more. That I know that no matter what, I'll fucking figure this out, I always do. And that has alleviated a lot of the anxiety, because I went through a lot of hard times. And to me, getting to where I'm at now, I can't wait to see where I'm at in another year. I can't wait until this time next year, when we're talking after the book is launched and after all of these things, to celebrate more wins and to grieve more endings.

• 29:21Sabrina Zohar?

  Because that's the point of this, baby. And that distance is your growth. And if it makes you emotional, good. Good, that means you actually changed. Most people won't do this because it forces you to see how much you've let go of, and that's uncomfortable. But it's also proof that you're not the same fucking person, and that is the whole goddamn point. You're not supposed to be. And so if people say that you've changed, you say, "Thank you. Thank you. You're right, I have fucking changed. I have worked my ass too. I have done this. I did this work. I invested. I did this. Nobody did it for me. I made choices that aligned with the person that I'm trying to become, and I know I deserve nothing but the fucking best." And that is the mantra that I want you to hold on to, because it's true. Wherever you are, if you've manifested your dream partner, good, you fucking did that.

• 30:05Sabrina Zohar?

  And if you're single and you haven't, that's okay. Good, you chose that. You might say, "Bitch, I didn't choose that." Yes, you did, by not wasting your time on low-effort bullshit. I'm proud of you for that. So baby, if you're in your growth era and this feels messy and lonely and confusing, happy birthday to you too, because that means it's fucking working. The fact that it's uncomfortable means you're not staying the same, and that is the whole point. Can people change 100% depending on the work that they do? Character is destiny, right? I'm, "This is me. This is me." But I can change the way I react to things, I can change the way I respond to things, I can change what I allow in my life, and I can change fundamentally who I believe in myself as, but I'm not going to change who I actually am. I don't want to. I don't want to.

• 30:48Sabrina Zohar?

  I don't want to be for everybody, because if I was, that means I'm doing something wrong. I'm okay to piss people off, I'm okay to not be liked by everybody, but it takes time to get there. And that's growth, is being okay to disappoint people, especially as a kid, when that felt like danger, more than anything. So I'm fucking proud of you. Growth is uncomfortable. Healing is uncomfortable, but that doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. Thank you for being here. Thank you for allowing me to have another lap around the sun with you guys and to celebrate and things and to mourn things, right? Endings and new beginnings and things that I'm excited about and things that I'm scared about. And I want to celebrate you too. So let me know in the comments. Share some stuff. Give it to mama and share this with a friend that might need it, especially somebody who's on their healing journey, who is feeling a little lost or confused and is saying, "God, am I doing it wrong?" You're not. You just were never taught this.

• 31:33Sabrina Zohar?

  And that's the grave mistake about school is that that, I think, is what we actually need to learn, more than anything else. I love you guys. Thank you for being here. Happy fucking birthday to me, to everybody else celebrating, and to all of you guys too. It's not just me that gets to be here. It's with you. So I'm grateful. If you guys need anything, everything's at the link in show notes as always. And baby, until next time, I love you guys.

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  I hate Mondays.

• 32:04Speaker 01

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  Try one.

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