Ep 230: Tim Dillon

Tonight on We Might Be Drunk, Mark and Sam are joined by the one and only Tim Dillon for a wild ride through the world of comedy, chaos, and conspiracy. From rants about the modern world to behind-the-scenes stories from stand-up, nothing is off limits when Tim’s in the chair. Grab a drink, buckle up, and enjoy the madness. Follow Tim here: https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon Support the show and download the PrizePicks app today. Get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup with the code DRUNKS. Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk: https://bit.ly/SubscribeToWMBD WMBD Merch: https://wemightbedrunkpod.com/ WMBD Clips Page: https://bit.ly/WMBDClips Instagram : https://instagram.com/sammorril Tickets / Tour : https://punchup.liveSam Morril: YouTube Channel: @sammorril Instagram: https://instagram.com/sammorril Tickets/Tour: https://punchup.live/sammorril/tickets Mark Normand: YouTube Channel: @marknormand Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/marknormand Tickets/Tour: https://punchup.live/marknormand/tickets We Might Be Drunk is produced by Gotham Production Studios https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/ @GothamProductionStudios Producer Matt Peters: https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters #WeMightBeDrunk #MarkNormand #SamMorril #TimDillon #ComedyPodcast #StandUpComedy #Comedians #PrizePicks #FunnyPodcast #DrinkResponsibly #ComedyFans #NYCComedy #WhiskeyHumor #PodcastEpisode #PodcastRecommendations Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:06Speaker 00

  Hey.

• 0:07Sam Morril?

  Tim Dillon's here.

• 0:07Speaker 00

  Thanks for having me.

• 0:09Sam Morril?

  New special on Netflix.

• 0:11Speaker 00

  Thank you very much.

• 0:12Sam Morril?

  A Good Buddy.

• 0:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's there. We were in the top 10 for a week, which was good.

• 0:16Mark Normand?

  That's hard now.

• 0:17Speaker 00

  It's hard to do. Love on the Spectrum, got us. But RFK's getting them. So, enjoy it while you can. I'm kidding, it's all gonna work.

• 0:26Mark Normand?

  What was that, Adolescence? What was that thing?

• 0:28Speaker 00

  Adolescence was big.

• 0:29Mark Normand?

  That was huge.

• 0:29Speaker 00

  About a young kid who murdered a... his friend.

• 0:32Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 0:33Speaker 00

  Or a woman.

• 0:34Sam Morril?

  Which one's that?

• 0:34Speaker 00

  About a young kid who killed a girl.

• 0:36Mark Normand?

  The British kid?

• 0:37Sam Morril?

  Oh.

• 0:38Mark Normand?

  Cute kid, too.

• 0:39Speaker 00

  Everything on Netflix now is either the silliest thing ever, or the darkest thing you've ever seen.

• 0:43Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 0:44Speaker 00

  There's no in the middle.

• 0:44Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 0:45Speaker 00

  It's either like, these two people are dating, but they've only ever seen each other's eyes, or it's like, an eight-year-old committed a mass murder. There's no in the middle ground.

• 0:56Mark Normand?

  Let's Eat Cake, or Is This Cake or Rape? That's... Is This Rape?

• 1:01Speaker 00

  Is This Rape?

• 1:02Sam Morril?

  Have you guys done that show, Is It Cake? Is This Rape?

• 1:05Speaker 00

  By the way, that's a show.

• 1:06Mark Normand?

  That's a show.

• 1:07Sam Morril?

  Is This Rape?

• 1:08Speaker 00

  Is This Rape?

• 1:09Mark Normand?

  It's hosted by Amber Heard.

• 1:10Speaker 00

  Louis Gomez once, years ago, said, "We should do a show called Rape Dicks, where we investigate open-mic rape claims." And I said, "I'm gonna pass."

• 1:22Sam Morril?

  I saw this movie, it is a wreck, if you've never seen... You know this British director, Mike Lee?

• 1:27Speaker 00

  Of course.

• 1:28Sam Morril?

  Have you seen Naked?

• 1:30Speaker 00

  I haven't seen, but he did, I think he did, if I'm thinking to the right, that guy, he did Secrets and Lies. He's brilliant.

• 1:35Sam Morril?

  Yeah, dude, it's dark shit.

• 1:38Speaker 00

  That's a congressman. It's a senator from Utah.

• 1:41Sam Morril?

  He pulled up an Asian man. No. Uh, no, it's, dude, literally opening scene rape, and you're like, "All right, I guess he's the bad guy." And then there's another rape, and you're like, "I'm confused, this is a lot." There's like, five rapes in this movie.

• 1:51Mark Normand?

  Jesus.

• 1:52Sam Morril?

  But it's fucking...

• 1:52Speaker 00

  His stuff's dark.

• 1:53Sam Morril?

  It's good, though. It's thought-provoking and crazy and good.

• 1:57Mark Normand?

  Really? Okay.

• 1:58Speaker 00

  He had one movie called Secrets and Lies, it was brilliant.

• 2:02Sam Morril?

  I've heard it.

• 2:02Speaker 00

  The whole plot of the movie is that, is a British working-class woman finds out she has a daughter, and the daughter's black. So it's just a very interesting, because like... Today, obviously, wouldn't really be that, but it was like such a thing.

• 2:17Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 2:17Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 2:18Speaker 00

  You know, where it's like, it was just a funny movie on re-watch, it's funny.

• 2:21Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 2:21Speaker 00

  You know, because that's the whole plot. The whole plot is like, she had sex with a black guy and has a black daughter.

• 2:26Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 2:27Speaker 00

  And her family has to accept it. I mean, look at the, look at, she's crying next to her.

• 2:31Mark Normand?

  So she's disappointed twice.

• 2:32Speaker 00

  She's like, I have a daughter. No, she's crying, she's literally crying, she's black. She's like, sweetheart, how did it happen?

• 2:40Sam Morril?

  We've come a long way.

• 2:42Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 2:42Sam Morril?

  We've come a long way.

• 2:43Speaker 00

  We've come a long way. That was the film.

• 2:46Mark Normand?

  Now this looks like an ABC show. This looks like a new show.

• 2:49Speaker 00

  That's Bob Loves Abishola.

• 2:52Mark Normand?

  This is Abishola Elementary, everybody.

• 2:55Mark Normand?

  Oh, good times. Alright, I gotta check out this naked.

• 2:57Sam Morril?

  It's good.

• 2:58Speaker 00

  I'm doing it.

• 2:59Sam Morril?

  It's shocking.

• 3:00Mark Normand?

  Five real, that's more than a Hannah Gadsby special.

• 3:02Speaker 00

  That's right.

• 3:03Sam Morril?

  It was crazy.

• 3:05Mark Normand?

  Alright, I'm on, I'm in.

• 3:06Sam Morril?

  Yeah, dude, I saw you making the rounds, you're popping up everywhere.

• 3:08Speaker 00

  I'm doing a lot, you gotta do it now.

• 3:10Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 3:10Speaker 00

  You gotta do it. I mean, I'm on every, I'm on like CNN, Fox, I'm on all the things, and it's crazy.

• 3:17Sam Morril?

  How much did they actually air of you on CNN?

• 3:19Speaker 00

  Uh...

• 3:20Mark Normand?

  That was a guy saw that clip.

• 3:21Sam Morril?

  Yeah, cuz I saw that too.

• 3:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, I, they haven't done it yet, but we sat there for an hour, we had a really great talk. And I just think, I think they'll air it, I hope they'll air it. Um...

• 3:30Sam Morril?

  It's gonna be a good episode.

• 3:31Speaker 00

  The journalists are pushing for them to air the whole thing either, not on TV, but online.

• 3:35Sam Morril?

  Couldn't we do it on YouTube, right?

• 3:36Speaker 00

  Yeah. We had a good talk, it wasn't, it was, it was a good talk.

• 3:40Mark Normand?

  But they have a narrative.

• 3:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:42Sam Morril?

  Everybody else, all of the cable.

• 3:44Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 3:44Speaker 00

  All the cable things do, but I get it, and, cuz like you go on Fox, you're like, is cancel culture canceled?

• 3:51Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 3:51Speaker 00

  And you're like, and then they'll be like, this guy's got a new special that woke losers will hate, and I'm like... But it's like me talking about my mother, like, it's not like, I'm not like up there being like, the tariffs, you know, like... But I get it, it's like, you know, it's just what it is, but it's, you know, you gotta make the round, and they're fun, and you see how much that media is dying, because all these things are remote.

• 4:11Mark Normand?

  Is that right?

• 4:12Speaker 00

  You just go into a room, they put a earpiece in you, and then Sean Hannity's in Florida.

• 4:17Mark Normand?

  Uh-huh.

• 4:18Speaker 00

  And he's like, you know, alright, next, coming up is Tim Dillon, and then he goes, he goes, you do your thing with him. And then he goes, why are people offended at jokes? I go, I don't know, it's privileged, I guess, or coddled, or, you know, people have real problems, you know? And he goes, right, right, and you'll, you'll go back and forth, quick, quick, and then he's like, eh, thank you so much. Well, that's, we love you and good luck. And then you do that and you're like, okay, and then some guy comes in and he like takes the thing off you and then he's like, goodbye.

• 4:43Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 4:43Speaker 00

  And then you just walk out onto Sixth Avenue.

• 4:45Mark Normand?

  It's over, and then you do Theo Von and it gets eight million more viewers.

• 4:48Speaker 00

  Right, it's, yeah, so it's a weird, but then it's like weird because Hannity will, there's just people that watch that.

• 4:54Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 4:54Speaker 00

  So like, old Long Island friends of mine are like texting me photos.

• 4:58Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 4:59Speaker 00

  Cause that's their, he's their Theo Von.

• 5:01Mark Normand?

  Right, right.

• 5:03Speaker 00

  Sean Hannity's their, you know what I mean?

• 5:05Mark Normand?

  Larry King.

• 5:05Speaker 00

  They're Larry King, whatever.

• 5:06Mark Normand?

  Howard Stern, or whatever.

• 5:08Speaker 00

  So it's like, it's just, it's just interesting what hits what people.

• 5:11Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 5:11Speaker 00

  What people, and I just want people to watch the special, so I'll just do anything that'll get people to watch the special.

• 5:17Mark Normand?

  Well Schultz fucked us, cause he did like Barry Weiss, then he did Megyn Kelly, then he did Shay Shay, then he did Rogan, like he hit every, he wouldn't even do like, are you garbage? He just did all the others.

• 5:27Speaker 00

  I'm doing Barry Weiss, but then I'll do Hamas.

• 5:29Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 5:29Speaker 00

  I'm gonna do ball, like I'll go right into the tunnel, because frankly, I wanna hear everybody.

• 5:33Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 5:34Speaker 00

  I want all viewers.

• 5:35Sam Morril?

  Some of your friends from Long Island are like, I liked you on Hamas.

• 5:38Speaker 00

  They're like, I saw you on Hamas.

• 5:39Mark Normand?

  I love Hamas. That's gotta be a big tunnel there, watch out.

• 5:43Speaker 00

  Hey! That's what I said about my, I was doing some joke about my, I don't know, my stepmother or something, I said, drag her into the tunnel, make it bigger or something.

• 5:51Mark Normand?

  No.

• 5:51Speaker 00

  She heard it, they heard, they heard, they hear it, these people, they hear the things you say now.

• 5:55Mark Normand?

  Well, people send it to these, they go, hey, did you just hear what this asshole said? And you're like, what are you doing?

• 6:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:00Mark Normand?

  She doesn't watch TV.

• 6:01Speaker 00

  Enjoy it calmly and privately.

• 6:03Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 6:04Sam Morril?

  A lot of friends I grew up with who listen to you, and they're like, Tim Dillon mentioned you, I'm like, oh, so I get like cred from you, you know?

• 6:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, all the time, yeah.

• 6:10Mark Normand?

  It's, I have that weird, do you guys ever have that thing, like he'll send me a thing, he's like, Bill Burr mentioned you, and you're like, oh. I'm always terrified it's gonna be like, this guy's a hack, he sucks, it's annoying.

• 6:18Speaker 00

  You don't know what that is gonna say, yeah.

• 6:19Mark Normand?

  So you kinda have to listen like with one eye closed.

• 6:22Sam Morril?

  We make edits on this podcast, we, we.

• 6:24Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 6:24Sam Morril?

  It gets to a point with, sometimes too much booze where like, we start shit talking, and we're like, let's cut it down.

• 6:27Speaker 00

  Of course. You gotta rein it in.

• 6:30Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 6:30Speaker 00

  Sometimes, I get it.

• 6:32Mark Normand?

  We had Burt on, and he got seven whiskies deep, he's like, this guy sucks, this guy.

• 6:36Sam Morril?

  Oh, I got texts from people who were like, my feelings are hurt, and I'm like, hey, he was, he's an alcoholic.

• 6:40Speaker 00

  And Burt went for sushi for three hours, it's the best dinner ever.

• 6:44Mark Normand?

  He will shit talk all night, it's pretty great.

• 6:45Speaker 00

  He's the best shit talker in the business. Best, most fun stories from like back in the day.

• 6:53Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 6:54Speaker 00

  He's really, it's really.

• 6:56Sam Morril?

  He's on our pod, we're all hammered. He's yelling at Mark, he's like, catch up. I'm like, dude, you weigh 400 pounds more than us.

• 7:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:01Sam Morril?

  We shouldn't be going drink for drink.

• 7:02Speaker 00

  But it's, I don't even think it's that, cause he's not even that big anymore, but he's just trained his body.

• 7:05Mark Normand?

  Yes, exactly.

• 7:06Speaker 00

  He's really trained, you know.

• 7:07Mark Normand?

  We have sets that night. He's going to eat a steak and fall asleep.

• 7:10Sam Morril?

  He fell asleep at a steak. Segura's like, he's asleep at dinner.

• 7:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:13Sam Morril?

  And I'm like, yeah, we're fucked up too, believe it or not. We're trying to keep up with him.

• 7:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, it was, uh, yeah, what a dinner. What a fun, just fun.

• 7:21Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 7:22Speaker 00

  You know?

• 7:22Sam Morril?

  No, he has a great time.

• 7:23Mark Normand?

  He's a great time. He's a machine.

• 7:25Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 7:25Speaker 00

  He's so much fun.

• 7:26Mark Normand?

  But that sushi dinner, he, there's no way he remembers that.

• 7:29Speaker 00

  He loved it. He does remember. It's weird.

• 7:32Mark Normand?

  Alright.

• 7:32Speaker 00

  We went to a place where you can't take out the phone.

• 7:35Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 7:35Speaker 00

  On purpose, they will not allow the phones.

• 7:37Mark Normand?

  Our.

• 7:38Sam Morril?

  Would you ever get married, do you think?

• 7:39Speaker 00

  I don't know. I've been thinking about it more. I think it's a, uh.

• 7:42Mark Normand?

  You can do that now.

• 7:43Speaker 00

  You can do it now. Um, for now.

• 7:47Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 7:47Speaker 00

  But, no, I'm kidding. Uh, I think you'd, it would have to make a lot of sense because New York's a state where it's a community property state. So you gotta be deeply in love with someone and you gotta want that legal definition because it is half your property and half your money and half of all of it.

• 8:03Mark Normand?

  Well, you get the NUP. You get the pre.

• 8:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, but I will tell you, it's, New York's tough.

• 8:09Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 8:09Speaker 00

  Ally's tough, even with them.

• 8:11Sam Morril?

  Are you a New York resident right now?

• 8:13Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 8:13Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I don't know either.

• 8:14Speaker 00

  Cause I, I, I was last year, the year before that was California. Two years ago was Texas. That was a good one.

• 8:21Mark Normand?

  You better figure that out. You might get sent to El Salvador.

• 8:23Speaker 00

  Well, first of all, I will enjoy it.

• 8:27Speaker 00

  There's not one image from that prison that's disturbed me or made me feel like it isn't fun. No, I'm kidding.

• 8:32Mark Normand?

  They had margaritas.

• 8:33Speaker 00

  Um, yeah, no, I think I'm a New York resident.

• 8:35Mark Normand?

  Alright.

• 8:36Sam Morril?

  Welcome back, man.

• 8:38Speaker 00

  The numbers of days.

• 8:40Mark Normand?

  Holy shit. That's like Tim's spring break.

• 8:42Speaker 00

  I mean, is that, who's fearing that?

• 8:45Sam Morril?

  Zoom in, zoom in. Let's get a little more. Zoom in.

• 8:48Mark Normand?

  Harry Krista. Holy hell.

• 8:51Speaker 00

  I mean, come on.

• 8:52Mark Normand?

  That doesn't look so bad.

• 8:53Speaker 00

  We gotta, the one with the tats is pretty good.

• 8:55Mark Normand?

  Pretty hot.

• 8:56Speaker 00

  Once to the left and right, not great.

• 8:57Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 8:58Mark Normand?

  By the way, you know where gay marriage is not legal? Ukraine.

• 9:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:02Mark Normand?

  And I think Greece just pulled back. Did you see this? They pulled back on gay kids.

• 9:05Speaker 00

  Well, I think Greece got too gay.

• 9:06Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 9:07Speaker 00

  I mean, I think Greece went so gay that they said, "We need to pull it back."

• 9:12Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 9:13Speaker 00

  I think there were guys just leaving their wives in the middle of dinner, getting gay married, and then coming back.

• 9:17Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 9:18Speaker 00

  So I think you need to find a healthy.

• 9:20Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 9:21Sam Morril?

  Well, even the gay icons of Greek guys, right? Gay.

• 9:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:25Sam Morril?

  Very gay.

• 9:26Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah. Rome, too.

• 9:27Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 9:28Speaker 00

  I think it's a, it's a, it's a, uh, a weird time we're in now because there's this big circle now called queer.

• 9:38Mark Normand?

  Yeah, which no one knows what that means.

• 9:40Speaker 00

  That includes, no one knows what that means. And people don't like things that are undefined.

• 9:45Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 9:46Speaker 00

  Where they go, "Wait, so who's queer and what is this? And what do you want from me? And what do I gotta call ya? And how does this work? And are you suing me?" And all that. And, and what happens is now you're lumped into this thing where you go, it's, you're, it's, it's, uh, trans people, which is great, but then it's also non-binary people, and then you go, "Okay." And then you're like, "But it's also people that identifies a million different genders." You go, "Okay." And then you go, "It's also pan-sexuals and sapio-sexuals and demisexuals." And you go, "I don't know what any of that means." And you start-

• 10:17Mark Normand?

  And I'm not sure you do either.

• 10:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:18Sam Morril?

  It's like the menu at a diner. You're like, "This is a lot."

• 10:20Mark Normand?

  It's too much.

• 10:21Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 10:21Speaker 00

  It's too much. And I, I think what's, what's, people, I, you know, it's going back. People are pulling back now and going like, reevaluating some of these progressive, in my mind, good things, like gay marriage and stuff like that. Because I think they're going, "Wait a minute. What is this new world that we don't really understand that we're being kinda led into?"

• 10:42Mark Normand?

  Well, yeah, and you, I think you need the definitions. Like, just-

• 10:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:46Mark Normand?

  "What is a woman?" And people start going like, "Well, uh, uh, uh..."

• 10:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's crazy.

• 10:49Mark Normand?

  Just, uh, "We gotta get, we gotta make this quicker."

• 10:51Sam Morril?

  Yeah, no one wants to come off as like ignorant or disrespectful, but it, it is getting, I'm a little confused.

• 10:57Mark Normand?

  Yeah. And you can get yelled at or fired or called a bigot.

• 10:59Speaker 00

  Well, that's the thing, if people said to me like, "2010, everything's glee, everything's fine, no one cares about anything."

• 11:03Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 11:04Speaker 00

  And then if somebody came to me and said, well, how do we get this going the other way? How do we get, go slide back? I go, I don't know, take some drag queens, put them in a library, have them read to eight year olds? Like, that's the craziest thing.

• 11:15Sam Morril?

  That just got picked up on Netflix, too.

• 11:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's, that's there.

• 11:17Sam Morril?

  The new show.

• 11:18Speaker 00

  The craziest thing is like, you have that, and people are like, what is this?

• 11:22Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 11:22Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 11:22Speaker 00

  It's, we're nightclub, drag, drag is nightclub. We're nightclub people. I don't want kids at our shows. Why would we want kids at our shows, right? So, I, again.

• 11:30Sam Morril?

  Well, some comics.

• 11:31Speaker 00

  So, this, this to me is like, again, it just, I think people start going like, hey, what's going on here? And then you get this backlash where they start going, alright, we're gonna, you know, we're gonna start reevaluating everything.

• 11:42Mark Normand?

  Well, just, my thing is just don't gaslight me, you know? If you're like, what's up with that? And they're like, whoa, you fucking mad? You're like, well, it wasn't here before, now it's here, I'm asking where it came from, and now I'm a bad guy.

• 11:51Speaker 00

  It just seems unnecessary to have a drag queen in a library. I, I feel like a library's unfun. I don't know anyone that wants to go to a library. If they called all three of us and go, you need to read the kids in the library, god, none of us would do it. We'd all go, oh, we'd love to, but, we, you know, there's, we got too much to do.

• 12:06Mark Normand?

  Also, a longshoreman is weird to read to kids.

• 12:09Speaker 00

  Yeah, right.

• 12:10Sam Morril?

  People get, people get married at the New York Public Library. That's like a big thing here, like, rent it out.

• 12:14Mark Normand?

  It's a pretty place.

• 12:15Sam Morril?

  It's a pretty place.

• 12:16Speaker 00

  Well, I mean, so here's the, here's the one that I like. Can you bring up that one to the left with its horns? That one, that one. I mean, this is, this is the one.

• 12:23Mark Normand?

  What is going on?

• 12:24Speaker 00

  I mean, this is the one where you go, wait a minute.

• 12:27Mark Normand?

  This is horrifying.

• 12:28Speaker 00

  This is horrifying, I mean.

• 12:30Mark Normand?

  We've combined like two genres here.

• 12:32Sam Morril?

  Is that Chaparral?

• 12:33Speaker 00

  Ah, yeah.

• 12:35Sam Morril?

  What happened?

• 12:35Speaker 00

  But, I mean, I might go back in the closet and just marry Schumer. And Dan Soder said the best thing, he goes, if you and Schumer, you, you, you, you just, if you, you take, you, you, you fuse your power, and what you do is, you just, every coffee house you'd walk out of, it would just explode, and you'd just have the Heath Ledger smiles on it. It's an unstoppable force.

• 12:57Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 12:57Speaker 00

  But, see, this is where people start going, what is happening?

• 13:00Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 13:01Speaker 00

  So, I think this is the issue, that we're coming in these worlds that shouldn't be around each other.

• 13:06Mark Normand?

  Mm-hmm.

• 13:07Speaker 00

  And I don't think it's necessarily bad, I don't think these people are pedophiles. I think it's like, this is like a lot of do-gooder women going like, I want to show how tolerant I am, and even men, right? Going like, I'm taking my kid to the drag hour.

• 13:19Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 13:19Speaker 00

  Cause there's a lot of Park Slope dads being like, we're going to drag hour.

• 13:22Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 13:23Speaker 00

  And then you go, okay, but maybe.

• 13:25Sam Morril?

  There's a lot of other options in New York. We got the, the messer plane, I think, there's a.

• 13:29Mark Normand?

  We can go to the Rockettes.

• 13:30Speaker 00

  Right.

• 13:31Mark Normand?

  Or the, the, yeah, I was dr- I was raised by a drag queen. Uh, my nanny was a burlesque dancer, big black guy. But it was only because he was cheap. My parents couldn't afford him.

• 13:41Sam Morril?

  I mean, he did molest you, but he was also very affordable.

• 13:43Mark Normand?

  Sure, I learned a lot.

• 13:44Sam Morril?

  Sure.

• 13:44Mark Normand?

  But, yeah, it wasn't like, we're so progressive. It was just like, oh, this guy'll do it?

• 13:49Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 13:49Mark Normand?

  Bring him in.

• 13:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:51Mark Normand?

  This is a different thing. This is like a statement.

• 13:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, this is a statement and I, I just don't think it's, it's not ideal.

• 13:58Mark Normand?

  Yeah, it's strange.

• 13:59Speaker 00

  It's strange.

• 14:00Mark Normand?

  And you should be able to say it's strange.

• 14:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:02Mark Normand?

  That's all. Now we're in a garage. Alright.

• 14:06Mark Normand?

  How the fuck'd you get Kevin Spacey? We've been trying to get him on this show for two years.

• 14:09Sam Morril?

  Yeah, maybe you shouldn't have been using his name as the punchline every episode. He's rubbed just one episode of work.

• 14:15Speaker 00

  My, my agent.

• 14:17Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 14:17Speaker 00

  Uh...

• 14:18Mark Normand?

  Justin?

• 14:19Speaker 00

  The great fat Justin.

• 14:20Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 14:21Speaker 00

  Called, uh, the, uh, his manager, they're friends, and he said, would he do this? And he goes, yeah. And we called the manager, and we chatted about it, and we had to go back and forth on the script a lot.

• 14:35Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 14:36Speaker 00

  Cause like, we had him calling me a pig and stuff.

• 14:38Sam Morril?

  He was busy reading the kids at the library.

• 14:40Speaker 00

  Frank, Frank feels like it's more elegant. He doesn't like, he doesn't like elegant, um, you know.

• 14:47Mark Normand?

  Why'd you go?

• 14:48Speaker 00

  What's that? Who said that? A predator?

• 14:50Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 14:51Speaker 00

  Kevin Spacey, Frank Underwood revival. Who's writing that?

• 14:54Mark Normand?

  Oh, God.

• 14:55Speaker 00

  He was acquitted.

• 14:57Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 14:59Sam Morril?

  This is why we can't have him on the show.

• 15:01Speaker 00

  Well, here's the deal. I'm not saying everything he's done is ideal. Here's what I'm saying. The charact-

• 15:06Sam Morril?

  Agree to disagree.

• 15:08Speaker 00

  I'm saying the character Frank Underwood was Netflix's first hit show.

• 15:11Mark Normand?

  Iconic character.

• 15:12Speaker 00

  First hit character. I think it was just if he was roasting podcasters, making fun of it. I think it's funny. We wanted someone to make fun of this idea that podcasters are, that it's so important and this and that, whatever.

• 15:23Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 15:23Speaker 00

  And we're like, who would be better to do it than fucking Frank Underwood from House of Cards? And we started laughing, and we said, is there a way to get him? And we got him, and he was really professional and great.

• 15:31Sam Morril?

  Did you have to pay him a lot, or was he just?

• 15:33Speaker 00

  Didn't pay him a dollar.

• 15:33Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 15:34Sam Morril?

  It was a passion project.

• 15:35Speaker 00

  He just did it.

• 15:36Mark Normand?

  I love it.

• 15:36Speaker 00

  And he's, um, you know, he's like, one of the greatest actors of all time.

• 15:40Mark Normand?

  Unbelievable talent.

• 15:41Speaker 00

  He's unbelievable.

• 15:42Sam Morril?

  Even his, even his bad movies, I remember like-

• 15:44Mark Normand?

  Capex.

• 15:45Sam Morril?

  Dude, you know he's, remember that movie?

• 15:46Speaker 00

  Capex was like, not terrible.

• 15:47Sam Morril?

  Dude, remember Swimming with Sharks? He was fucking amazing in that movie.

• 15:50Speaker 00

  Dies, kills on everything he does, and he came in, and he just was great. But, you know.

• 15:56Sam Morril?

  Did you put, did you rock the boat at all? Did you poke him at all off camera or no?

• 16:00Speaker 00

  No, he was very like.

• 16:03Mark Normand?

  Flirty?

• 16:04Speaker 00

  No, he was just very like, he's just one of these guys who like, you, you, he's an actor.

• 16:11Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 16:11Speaker 00

  In the sense that like, you don't know what he's saying. You don't know if what he's saying is true. Do you know what I mean?

• 16:17Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 16:18Speaker 00

  Like, I've met these guys like Joaquin Phoenix when they're so good.

• 16:20Sam Morril?

  Like I'm innocent?

• 16:21Speaker 00

  Well, they don't exist. Like Joaquin Phoenix doesn't exist. Kevin Spacey doesn't really exist.

• 16:25Sam Morril?

  Right, right.

• 16:26Speaker 00

  Frank Underwood exists.

• 16:27Sam Morril?

  Sure.

• 16:27Speaker 00

  Kaiser Shosai, he's not dead.

• 16:29Mark Normand?

  Got it.

• 16:30Sam Morril?

  He's a vessel.

• 16:31Speaker 00

  He's a vessel.

• 16:32Sam Morril?

  Yes.

• 16:32Speaker 00

  So he could say anything he wants.

• 16:34Sam Morril?

  Well, he, I know someone who did a movie with him and I was like, was he appropriate? And he goes, he kept trying to touch my dick and then I asked him to stop and he mostly stopped and was cool.

• 16:45Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 16:45Speaker 00

  It's a great promo.

• 16:48Speaker 00

  Because what it does is it roasts the whole way we have to promote things. It makes fun of comedy. And that's where we were going.

• 16:56Mark Normand?

  Yeah. And I told you not to tell anybody that.

• 17:00Sam Morril?

  You've never been to a movie?

• 17:01Speaker 00

  I mean, you know.

• 17:03Mark Normand?

  Not with him.

• 17:04Speaker 00

  But it was largely positive reaction and then a few very negative ones as well.

• 17:09Mark Normand?

  Yeah, you're gonna get that with anybody.

• 17:11Speaker 00

  Gonna get it.

• 17:11Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I mean, you went provocative and I got sent it by a bunch of friends who just were like, this is funny.

• 17:17Mark Normand?

  It was so good. It was so good.

• 17:19Speaker 00

  We got Brian Franchi, who's a great writer, and we worked on this script. He works with Nikki, he works with me and a few people. And we brought him in and we were just sitting in Los Angeles, the podcast studio going like, we had a line that Spacey wouldn't read that I think it was, we ended up going with Daily Wire, the musical, which is a funny one.

• 17:37Mark Normand?

  Funny.

• 17:37Speaker 00

  We, the original line that Franchi wrote was, I go, I'm supposed to endorse Jews for Ukrainian Gaza? Which I thought was the best. We love, it was a killer line that Brian wrote. And then he just wouldn't, he came in, he had a Ukraine thing on the wrist.

• 17:51Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 17:52Speaker 00

  And he's like, I just won't say that. I'm uncomfortable with that. And we were like, totally. And we're like, alts, alts. We had alts. We're like, how about this? How about that?

• 17:59Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 17:59Speaker 00

  So we're like, you know.

• 18:00Mark Normand?

  Damn.

• 18:01Speaker 00

  Yeah, he had a few good alts.

• 18:02Mark Normand?

  So he's got standards. He's got scruples.

• 18:04Speaker 00

  He, he has, um, yeah, he has certain things he's uncomfortable with saying and doing.

• 18:10Mark Normand?

  Got it. Okay. But it came out great. It was really funny and it, everybody shared it.

• 18:15Speaker 00

  It was a fun one. We, uh, we thought about it. We didn't know what. It's weird now to film a pro and I'm, that's not second nature to me. Like, some guys are great at it. I wasn't and I'm like, this might be a really funny idea and we, we got him.

• 18:28Sam Morril?

  You're not a, you're not like a promo whore. It's

• 18:31Speaker 00

  I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to do it.

• 18:33Sam Morril?

  Well, it's one thing to go and talk on shows, but to be like, come see my thing.

• 18:36Speaker 00

  It's hard. Yeah, it's hard for me to do.

• 18:38Sam Morril?

  It's outside of, I remember I used to bark and I was so fucking bad at it.

• 18:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 18:41Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah. Barking hill.

• 18:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. Barking wasn't, that was never my skill set.

• 18:45Sam Morril?

  No.

• 18:46Speaker 00

  I'd go like this. I'd go, I tried like a few times and then I, I think it was like, what was it, the lantern back in the day?

• 18:52Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I did that one.

• 18:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, and then you try and then people go, I don't want to come. And I'd go, yeah, all right.

• 18:56Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 18:57Speaker 00

  I go, all right, I'm not gonna.

• 18:58Sam Morril?

  But when you get people in and there's like four people, you're like, hot show tonight. And then you go up and they're like, what the fuck?

• 19:03Speaker 00

  I used to live with a guy, but he was pretty good at it.

• 19:05Sam Morril?

  I remember. I remember.

• 19:06Speaker 00

  He'd be pretty good.

• 19:07Sam Morril?

  He was good.

• 19:08Speaker 00

  It's kind of an art. He'd like corner a couple.

• 19:10Sam Morril?

  Rarely a good comic, though.

• 19:11Speaker 00

  Well, it's not ideal, but, you know.

• 19:15Sam Morril?

  Cause you're lying. You're comfortable lying.

• 19:17Speaker 00

  He was good at that angle of it, where it was just kind of like, come here. It's just one of those, like, hello.

• 19:25Mark Normand?

  That's hard for us. I did Last Comic Standing and they're like, all right, you know, you do those like interstitials, those confessional moments?

• 19:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 19:32Mark Normand?

  Tell us how you're gonna kick everybody's ass. I'm like, honestly, I'm probably not gonna make it through. I'm not a minority.

• 19:37Speaker 00

  We were on Last Comic together

• 19:38Sam Morril?

  Were we?

• 19:39Speaker 00

  Years ago.

• 19:40Sam Morril?

  I don't even

• 19:40Speaker 00

  With Norm, Roseanne and Keenan.

• 19:42Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 19:42Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 19:42Speaker 00

  We were on it. I was on it for two minutes. You were maybe on it longer and I was gone in the first thing.

• 19:46Sam Morril?

  I was on two and a half minutes, I think.

• 19:48Speaker 00

  But literally, here's the deal. Uh, yeah, I mean, I don't know, it was probably, I don't, I don't think, um, I don't think they have any footage of it, but it was like, me and you were on this thing and I remember like, there was a moment during the, I just never looked worse in these Ice House photos. I had, this guy took these photos at the Ice House. I'm like, can you just get them off?

• 20:11Speaker 00

  These ISOs, and it's like, it's the, it's a club I perform at once a year. I'm like, can you just get the photo?

• 20:16Mark Normand?

  It's a great club.

• 20:17Speaker 00

  It's a great club. I just, it's far from LA, right?

• 20:20Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 20:20Speaker 00

  So, uh, we were on this comic scene, and I remember like, there were people on it that were really, really good at like going like, "All right, I'm gonna call my mom now." And then the camera

• 20:30Mark Normand?

  Exactly.

• 20:31Speaker 00

  Go up to this person, and then they would be like, "Mom, I'm here." And then you're like, "Oh, this is crazy."

• 20:37Mark Normand?

  I know.

• 20:38Speaker 00

  And me and you were just really, and we looked at each other, and we're like, "We're just not comfortable with that."

• 20:43Mark Normand?

  No.

• 20:43Speaker 00

  It's not what we're into.

• 20:44Mark Normand?

  They wanted us, they wanted drama. They wanted to be like, "I'm, I'm living in a van, I've got divorced, my mom has cancer, I need to win this." But I didn't have that. I was like, "Yeah, I'm not gonna do well."

• 20:53Sam Morril?

  The drama we would do is like poking people, but it wasn't just like, "I'm a victim." And they want the, "I'm a victim."

• 20:59Mark Normand?

  They want the sob story.

• 21:00Sam Morril?

  Here's my sad story, but I was like, "No, I have a pretty good life."

• 21:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:04Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I'm just trying to write jokes. I wanna be a comic.

• 21:06Sam Morril?

  That's the enemy of that.

• 21:07Mark Normand?

  That's what I'm saying.

• 21:08Sam Morril?

  Dude, I remember doing AGT. I did all these fucking awful shows, and they were trying to get me to trash people on camera. I'm like, "Dude, I don't want it."

• 21:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, I don't wanna do it.

• 21:16Sam Morril?

  You know, it's already stressful. There's a fat couple dancing Mambo Number Five next to me, like a bird, talking bird. I'm like, "I'm already losing my mind." Don't make me like bury these people.

• 21:24Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:25Mark Normand?

  A little bit of Monica hit my life.

• 21:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, no, it's, it was, it was a weird thing.

• 21:30Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 21:30Mark Normand?

  Yeah, reality TV, that's kinda over now for comics. I think we ruined ourselves.

• 21:34Speaker 00

  Comics is over, but god, is it not for everyone else? I mean, those, those

• 21:37Sam Morril?

  What's the big one now?

• 21:38Speaker 00

  Well, oh god, like Love Island shows like that.

• 21:40Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 21:41Speaker 00

  A million hours of watch time.

• 21:42Sam Morril?

  I guess that is competitive.

• 21:43Speaker 00

  No, I don't, I don't, yeah, like

• 21:45Mark Normand?

  Oh, what was it? The Mask? Is that still around?

• 21:47Speaker 00

  The Circle is big, Love is Blind.

• 21:50Sam Morril?

  I don't even know what The Circle is.

• 21:51Speaker 00

  Mask Singers are dystopian hellscape.

• 21:53Mark Normand?

  It really is.

• 21:54Speaker 00

  I mean, that's a scary thing.

• 21:56Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 21:57Sam Morril?

  That looks like something you make fun of as, it doesn't look like a real thing.

• 22:00Mark Normand?

  Yeah, you did Is It Cake?

• 22:02Sam Morril?

  I did.

• 22:03Speaker 00

  How was it?

• 22:03Sam Morril?

  They cut out every, I didn't know it was a kid's show, so I'm like making like AIDS jokes and like keto jokes.

• 22:09Speaker 00

  How much of it is actually cake? I should fire Justin right now for not getting us on Is It Cake.

• 22:14Sam Morril?

  Dude, my, it's the only thing

• 22:15Speaker 00

  Why are we not on Is It Cake?

• 22:16Sam Morril?

  The only thing of mine that, that my niece has ever seen, she was like, "Come on, Is It Cake." So it's like for your, it's for them.

• 22:23Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 22:24Sam Morril?

  No, it's fucking ridiculous. I was on with Christina P, so thank god it wasn't like

• 22:27Mark Normand?

  Oh, that helps.

• 22:28Sam Morril?

  But she's like a real fan of the show, so she's like Uh, that, Mikey Day is incredible. Like, he's an incredible host.

• 22:33Mark Normand?

  Look at you in the leather. What are you, where'd you get a leather jacket?

• 22:36Sam Morril?

  Um, I don't know.

• 22:38Mark Normand?

  This is crazy.

• 22:40Sam Morril?

  What am I doing?

• 22:40Mark Normand?

  He's selling molly in that thing.

• 22:41Speaker 00

  So what about you, you just look at it and then you have to see if it's cake or not?

• 22:44Sam Morril?

  It's really hard.

• 22:45Speaker 00

  It really is the worst.

• 22:47Sam Morril?

  It's a terrible show.

• 22:48Speaker 00

  It's a terrible show.

• 22:49Sam Morril?

  But Mikey Day actually is like a great host, but...

• 22:51Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 22:51Sam Morril?

  But dude, you're like, you're looking across and you're like, dude, it's impossible. You're fucking forty feet away. How the fuck could... I don't know what it is.

• 22:58Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 22:59Sam Morril?

  Oh, please don't play clips of this.

• 23:00Mark Normand?

  Oh, here we go. Turn up the volume.

• 23:02Speaker 00

  That looks like cake.

• 23:04Mark Normand?

  Yeah, this is tough.

• 23:05Sam Morril?

  That is hard, dude.

• 23:07Mark Normand?

  Also, you're up against this fattest lady ever, so she's gonna know the cake. Oh, oh, thank God, okay.

• 23:13Sam Morril?

  We have to decide together.

• 23:16Mark Normand?

  Oh, God, watch out for that guy in the shirt.

• 23:18Sam Morril?

  They cut out a domestic abuse...

• 23:20Speaker 00

  That's what I'm gonna do, it's every cake!

• 23:23Sam Morril?

  I definitely made a domestic abuse joke there.

• 23:24Mark Normand?

  Turns out she was cake at the end.

• 23:29Mark Normand?

  She's chocolate? Okay.

• 23:33Speaker 00

  That's a crazy lineup again. Like, they just get a crazy lineup of ass. Makes no sense.

• 23:39Sam Morril?

  I just think you're like, say, I said, I'm like, it's a story if anything else, and then here's the story. It was, it was bad.

• 23:46Speaker 00

  That's the stuff Jayden says.

• 23:46Sam Morril?

  The story's like, it was a bad show. Glad I, glad I spent six hours there.

• 23:51Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 23:52Speaker 00

  Is it cake?

• 23:53Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 23:54Speaker 00

  What a nightmare.

• 23:55Mark Normand?

  You got a Netflix show? I mean, you're on TV.

• 23:58Sam Morril?

  Yeah, it's something to do.

• 23:59Mark Normand?

  Something to do.

• 24:00Sam Morril?

  Half the time, I'm like, it's something to do.

• 24:01Speaker 00

  It's just a fun thing.

• 24:02Sam Morril?

  I mean, shit, what is any of this?

• 24:03Speaker 00

  You feed the beast.

• 24:04Sam Morril?

  Exactly.

• 24:05Speaker 00

  You just gotta do it.

• 24:06Mark Normand?

  Yeah, like, I would do The View. If The View called me, I would do it.

• 24:08Sam Morril?

  Would you?

• 24:09Mark Normand?

  Yeah, it's The View. I don't know.

• 24:10Speaker 00

  I tried to get on The View.

• 24:11Mark Normand?

  There you go!

• 24:11Speaker 00

  They're like, they're not doing that. I go, alright.

• 24:13Mark Normand?

  They should have you. They had fucking...

• 24:15Speaker 00

  I agree.

• 24:16Mark Normand?

  Who'd they have? Bill Burr?

• 24:17Speaker 00

  They won't have me.

• 24:19Mark Normand?

  Damn.

• 24:19Speaker 00

  I just, um, we tried.

• 24:21Mark Normand?

  How great would it be on The View?

• 24:23Sam Morril?

  What's, what's your like bucket list show that you'd wanna get on?

• 24:25Speaker 00

  Well, I grew up listening to Stern, but that's tough, cause he only has mega famous people.

• 24:30Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 24:30Speaker 00

  But like, Stern would be cool, because I grew up listening to him.

• 24:33Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 24:34Speaker 00

  And then I think I've done a lot of them, like, like, I just, I can't think of the ones outside of Stern that are like, ones that I really grew up with, that I like, that meant a lot to me.

• 24:44Mark Normand?

  And they don't have the, like, obviously Larry King is dead, but like, Stern isn't what it used to be. It's different now. It used to be whores getting salami thrown at them and shit.

• 24:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:52Sam Morril?

  No Charlie Rose anymore, that would be kinda cool.

• 24:54Speaker 00

  Charlie Rose would be cool. I'd like, yeah, that would be cool. I mean, I grew up watching that, you know?

• 25:00Mark Normand?

  Or James Lipton?

• 25:01Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 25:02Speaker 00

  I tried the actress, everyone.

• 25:03Mark Normand?

  I know, I know, we could...

• 25:04Sam Morril?

  Oh yeah, but I liked it.

• 25:05Mark Normand?

  He had Chappelle on.

• 25:06Sam Morril?

  But he acts, Chappelle acts.

• 25:07Mark Normand?

  That's true, that's true. That's a good point.

• 25:10Speaker 00

  I just talked about Joker 2 for an hour with James Lipton. Tell me about the process.

• 25:16Mark Normand?

  Were they mad at you for trashing that after?

• 25:18Speaker 00

  I haven't heard about, I think it was so bad that no one cared. It's obvious, it was the most obvious.

• 25:22Sam Morril?

  You have not heard from Todd?

• 25:24Speaker 00

  No, but it's okay. Like, I don't, I don't, I don't, I gotta be honest. Why would I lie?

• 25:29Sam Morril?

  Right, right.

• 25:30Speaker 00

  Why would I lie? It's terrible. So I don't-

• 25:33Sam Morril?

  I haven't seen it.

• 25:34Speaker 00

  That relationship has no value to me. It's not because I dislike him, it's because that, that has, the value of my career is being, being honest and saying like-

• 25:41Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 25:42Speaker 00

  Oh, this is what I think about this. Not my relationship with him. So, I mean, I would think he'd not care. There's other people saying it that have more weight than me.

• 25:49Sam Morril?

  Right.

• 25:50Mark Normand?

  Good point.

• 25:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, I don't think it's like-

• 25:51Speaker 03

  Do you think there's any truth that he intentionally made it horrible or hard to watch? Is there any truth to that? He was trying to make a great film?

• 25:56Sam Morril?

  I don't get why anyone would make a bad movie on purpose.

• 25:59Speaker 00

  I don't think he made a bad movie on purpose.

• 26:00Sam Morril?

  It's not the producers, you're not, no one, that's not real.

• 26:01Mark Normand?

  Exactly.

• 26:02Sam Morril?

  You know?

• 26:02Speaker 00

  I think that they, they said to them, all the incels and shit, love the first one, and then it became this like, oh, what they do now is if they can't, if they don't like something, but it's objectively good, they go, the audience is bad.

• 26:16Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 26:17Speaker 00

  This is the new tactic. They go, but the people who like it are bad. So, instead of going, oh, this sucks, because they go, no, it doesn't suck, it's objectively good. They go, okay, but the audience is bad.

• 26:26Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 26:27Speaker 00

  So then they ran the other way, and they were like, alright, let's take this thing that people really liked and make it into this like, let's, let's add show tunes.

• 26:35Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 26:35Speaker 00

  And then they made it this kind of silly thing that, like, I don't think was for anyone.

• 26:39Mark Normand?

  No, no one liked it.

• 26:40Sam Morril?

  It's weird, because sometimes the critics, like, they really get it wrong both ways, but like, I feel like sometimes they're scared to trash certain, like, I think there's a lot of movies that come out where they're just like, it's like 97% on Rotten Tomatoes, I'm like, this is the worst piece of shit I've ever seen.

• 26:53Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah, of course. Well, Rotten Tomatoes really lost the plot a long time ago, which is, it was like my go-to. And then it was like, audience score, 99.

• 27:01Sam Morril?

  Audience score matters.

• 27:02Mark Normand?

  Of course!

• 27:03Sam Morril?

  Like a lot, like more to me at this point, you know?

• 27:05Mark Normand?

  But once you find out it's tainted, you're like, well, what are we doing here?

• 27:09Sam Morril?

  I also feel like the days of the critic, like, that, it's so-

• 27:12Mark Normand?

  Fuck critics.

• 27:12Sam Morril?

  Like, I used to read all Ebert's, like, reviews. I loved reading those, and I thought he was a great writer, but like, the days of like, I'll destroy you, my column are fucking dead, you know?

• 27:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, I just don't think people care.

• 27:23Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 27:23Speaker 00

  Uh, I think-

• 27:24Mark Normand?

  You like what you like.

• 27:25Speaker 00

  You know? I think people vote-

• 27:26Sam Morril?

  Great show.

• 27:27Speaker 00

  With their pocketbooks now, where it's like- If they are spending money, they they like you.

• 27:33Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 27:34Speaker 00

  And if they're not spending money, they either they don't know about you, or they're not into it, or whatever.

• 27:39Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 27:40Speaker 00

  I think I don't think one guy makes that much of a difference.

• 27:43Mark Normand?

  Like, yeah, I just did that Ari storytelling show. He just, Your Mom's House produced it. It was big budget, real cameras, rips and all this shit. And I was like, wow, I was impressed. I go, what are you gonna sell this to Netflix? He goes, no, I'm gonna do pay-per-view. Why would I do Netflix? They're gonna lowball me. You know, they're not gonna promote it. He's like, I got all these giant comics on, we'll all share it, you know, tweet about it.

• 28:02Speaker 00

  Right.

• 28:03Mark Normand?

  This is, we'll make a ton of money on pay-per-view. I mean, the star power on this show, he's like, I'm not gonna just give this away.

• 28:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:09Mark Normand?

  And I'm like, good for you. Fuck them. That feels like the new, the new way to do it.

• 28:14Speaker 00

  That's right.

• 28:15Mark Normand?

  But we're.

• 28:16Speaker 00

  I stand with Netflix.

• 28:17Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 28:19Speaker 00

  I completely agree with you, but I just want to say that we're also just grateful to Netflix and Tetsu Rados and the Greek people in general. I don't care what they ban. Um, we're thankful for democracy, for the Greeks, for Tetsu Rados, or Netflix, for all the people that worked there, that other woman.

• 28:35Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 28:36Speaker 00

  All of them, all of them, that other woman. I think it's all important. I think it's all important.

• 28:41Mark Normand?

  Here, here.

• 28:41Speaker 00

  Here, here.

• 28:44Mark Normand?

  But, ah, we don't have to get into it. But yeah, like Hulu, Hulu tried.

• 28:48Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 28:49Mark Normand?

  Tried to throw the hat in the ring, but I feel like Netflix is just so big.

• 28:52Speaker 00

  The problem with, number one, Netflix is really smart in the sense that they're a digitally native app on every smart TV in the world. Like, you go to any hotel, it's so easy to log in.

• 29:03Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 29:03Speaker 00

  Use your phone, not a big deal. You get in, you wa, like, the user, the user experience is better. Like, it's a tech platform. It's just better.

• 29:11Mark Normand?

  It is.

• 29:12Speaker 00

  It is just better.

• 29:13Sam Morril?

  It's like, almost like a kid could use it.

• 29:15Speaker 00

  It's easy. It's easy and you're like, okay. Now that, do they make the best content always? No. No. In fact, a lot of the original content there that is made could be a lot better. You know, they've had big hits, Stranger Things, House of Cards, Wednesday, you know, a lot of the things that have been hits like Ozark, they've bought.

• 29:34Mark Normand?

  Oh, I thought they made Ozark.

• 29:35Speaker 00

  No, Bateman and at a production company, they made a full season. There was a bidding war between HBO and Netflix. And I forget the third person.

• 29:41Mark Normand?

  How about that?

• 29:42Sam Morril?

  How about Mindhunter though? That was a good, they discontinued that. I thought that was great.

• 29:45Mark Normand?

  That was a great show.

• 29:45Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was good, you know, I mean, just a lot of, a lot, some of it doesn't hit, some of it, maybe they don't give, give, maybe it's, a lot of it is so numbers based over there that I think sometimes they might not give something a chance to go.

• 30:00Mark Normand?

  Yeah, there's that.

• 30:01Sam Morril?

  It's so data oriented, it's so bad for entertainment.

• 30:03Mark Normand?

  Bad for art.

• 30:04Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 30:05Speaker 00

  Yes, but also good for art and great, and I'm grateful for it. No, but it is, no, but at the end of the day, it's like, I think part of the issue now is like, there's so much data that you get in real time as a, that a lot of people go, well, you know, now, look, look at shows like Severance that are making huge, they've been out for a long time. Now they're getting super popular.

• 30:26Mark Normand?

  Mm-hmm.

• 30:27Speaker 00

  So I think that like, you gotta get, people rediscovering shows now. Now you're up, if you put a show out now, you're up against every show ever made. There's people that haven't seen The Sopranos, literally.

• 30:36Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 30:37Speaker 00

  There's people that haven't seen any of these shows, right? There's people that are watching old episodes of ER because they like to show the pit and they want to find out what it like.

• 30:44Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 30:44Speaker 00

  So now it's just this crazy catalog and library of everything ever made that people are, are watching.

• 30:50Mark Normand?

  And the algo is so different now, like Val Kilmer died and Heat went to number one.

• 30:53Speaker 00

  Right.

• 30:53Mark Normand?

  Heat went to, cause he's in it.

• 30:55Speaker 00

  That's right.

• 30:55Mark Normand?

  It's so weird to like, that's how you got your, your Heat to be number one?

• 30:59Speaker 00

  That's right.

• 30:59Mark Normand?

  Fascinating. It's a weird time for entertainment.

• 31:02Sam Morril?

  You are against everything ever made.

• 31:04Speaker 00

  It's, you're up against so many things.

• 31:06Sam Morril?

  I mean, think about even on the road now, when you're like, who else is in town? Lady Gaga?

• 31:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 31:11Sam Morril?

  You know, you're against, you're against, you're in Vegas, you're like, yeah, I'm against fucking everyone. I'm against the sphere.

• 31:17Mark Normand?

  Dude, I used to bomb at, at Funny Bo and they were like, the Strawberry Fest is in town. Like, they would throw everything at me. The Ice Capades are a town.

• 31:23Sam Morril?

  The lacrosse team as a game, you're like, I can't beat the lacrosse team?

• 31:26Mark Normand?

  Exactly. I heard it all.

• 31:28Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 31:28Mark Normand?

  Like, Muppets on Ice, whatever.

• 31:31Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 31:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, no, it's, it's, it's a lot.

• 31:33Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 31:33Speaker 00

  Too much out there now.

• 31:34Mark Normand?

  I know, and my, my fucking agent keeps putting me in these big rooms in these tiny towns. I'm like, put me in a small room, let me sell maybe a two. Don't, don't throw me in the fucking auditorium in Asheville, North Carolina. Throw me in the orange peel.

• 31:47Speaker 00

  I get a lot of like, like, they'll, they'll, like, I'll be like, There's like also, you gotta keep track of like, there's been like flooding and stuff.

• 31:55Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 31:55Speaker 00

  You gotta watch out for like, am I like, am I like heartlessly marketing something in an area where people's lives are completely ruined?

• 32:02Mark Normand?

  That's a good point.

• 32:03Sam Morril?

  A recession, flooding, someone's family's underwater and you're like, just come to the show, just swim here, come on.

• 32:09Speaker 00

  Devastation of the tornado, I'm like, what on there Friday?

• 32:12Mark Normand?

  Right, yeah.

• 32:13Speaker 00

  I don't care.

• 32:13Mark Normand?

  Before it was like Taylor Swift in town, now it's like, ah, we had a school shooting yesterday.

• 32:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 32:17Mark Normand?

  Like, ah, fuck.

• 32:18Speaker 00

  That's right. That was fun, people, people.

• 32:21Mark Normand?

  What's this?

• 32:22Speaker 00

  Well, I stood in front of someone's house that burned down, took a nice photo. That's a fun bit.

• 32:26Sam Morril?

  I like that he does the cool guy post of this shit.

• 32:28Speaker 00

  Yeah, of course, well, it's LA, you gotta be, you know.

• 32:31Mark Normand?

  You gotta be hip.

• 32:31Speaker 00

  You gotta be hip, and people, uh,

• 32:33Mark Normand?

  Malibu.

• 32:33Speaker 00

  People get it, go through a few of those there, there's some good photos there of how bad it is there, it'll never be the same. It's, uh, completely dead and over, and, uh, it's sad, but you'll never have.

• 32:47Sam Morril?

  You think LA's not coming back?

• 32:48Speaker 00

  No, I don't know about LA, but look at Malibu dude, I mean, look at this.

• 32:51Sam Morril?

  It's awful, yeah.

• 32:52Speaker 00

  And dude, you're years and years away from that ever looking anything like it did. And that whole stretch of the PCH, it's really fucking sad, the amount of toxic shit floating in the water.

• 33:04Mark Normand?

  Mmm.

• 33:04Speaker 00

  And the amount, it's just really unfortunate and bad.

• 33:07Sam Morril?

  There was a clip that went viral of Rogan, and he was just like, he's going on and on about this, it's right when all the fires happened, he was like, it's gonna be like, there's gonna be a fire, and no one's gonna be able to contain it, and he's going on for like a minute, and it's gonna wipe out the whole city, and it just cuts to my face, I'm like, wow, and it just went viral.

• 33:23Speaker 00

  Hilarious.

• 33:24Sam Morril?

  It's like, Jesus.

• 33:25Mark Normand?

  Don't you hate that?

• 33:25Speaker 00

  And then he put the dates on the end of that.

• 33:29Speaker 00

  Tulsa.

• 33:31Sam Morril?

  Go see me in Asheville.

• 33:32Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 33:33Sam Morril?

  Oh shit.

• 33:33Speaker 00

  I mean, there's still cars here, it's so crazy that.

• 33:36Sam Morril?

  Awful.

• 33:37Speaker 00

  It's awful, LA will be fine, but this is a tough thing.

• 33:41Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah, well luckily they'll get all their money and insurance back.

• 33:45Speaker 00

  Yeah, they'll get some.

• 33:46Mark Normand?

  That'll save them.

• 33:47Sam Morril?

  Do you like being in New York right now?

• 33:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, I love LA too, though. I like them both, you know. I, I, I like New York as a place when you're touring. I, I like spending the summer here, but I also like, like, when you're touring, it's really great to tour from here. It's very hard to tour from LA.

• 34:02Mark Normand?

  You lose three hours.

• 34:02Speaker 00

  Um, but I do like LA a lot. I love the Comedy Store. I love the improv. Like, I like the lifestyle, like the weather. It's all good.

• 34:09Mark Normand?

  Dude, California is amazing. People, it gets so much.

• 34:12Sam Morril?

  I'm about to do a run there and I'm like, I'm pumped for a west coast.

• 34:14Mark Normand?

  It's great.

• 34:14Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's great.

• 34:15Sam Morril?

  Riding up the west coast.

• 34:16Mark Normand?

  I just did Napa and I drove to Santa Barbara. The drive was unbelievable. It's like, you feel like you're in Hawaii.

• 34:21Sam Morril?

  We talked the whole drive.

• 34:22Mark Normand?

  Oh, that's right. Yeah, stunning. The mountains and lush.

• 34:25Speaker 00

  But it's, uh, it's, it's, um, it's down bad.

• 34:28Mark Normand?

  Yeah. Well, the COVID, the strike and the fire. You had a big three punch knockout.

• 34:33Speaker 00

  I think it's, I think it's in a good position to come up because if you look at the real estate prices in Florida and Texas, they're going down. And New York and Cal are steady.

• 34:43Mark Normand?

  Ooh.

• 34:43Speaker 00

  And they're going up a little bit because people tried Florida and Texas. And, and they went, oh, we get it. Or a lot of foreign money is now going, yeah, we're not, we're not investing in these cities. Like, it was clearly a pandemic frenzy to go to places like Austin and Miami.

• 35:02Sam Morril?

  Overreaction.

• 35:03Speaker 00

  Overreaction, overcorrection. And now people are going, okay, uh, people are going, they're, they're leaving.

• 35:11Mark Normand?

  They're going to a real city.

• 35:12Speaker 00

  They're leaving because number one, the rents have skyrocketed. So younger people are going, all right, I'm not gonna do this.

• 35:19Mark Normand?

  Right, yeah.

• 35:19Speaker 00

  And then a lot of people, there's other costs, right? You move to Texas, you go, I saved all this money on income tax. Well, your property tax is really high. Oh, you're paying a lot of property tax. Now there's traffic. Now there's homeless. Now there's things that you didn't, you're creating the same conditions from the place that you left in a smaller place. Austin's much smaller. LA is huge. So like, are there problems that are, are there nightmare areas? Yeah. But then there's also areas that are not.

• 35:45Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 35:45Speaker 00

  So I think with, and, and Florida is like all fun and games until you realize every restaurant closes at, at, at 8:00 PM and everyone's a hundred.

• 35:51Mark Normand?

  And there's a hurricane on the way.

• 35:53Speaker 00

  And there's a hurricane. And then everyone goes, oh, and I love Florida, but you gotta really pick your spots.

• 35:57Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 35:57Speaker 00

  You gotta really pick your spots.

• 35:59Sam Morril?

  There is something special about Florida for comedy, though.

• 36:01Speaker 00

  It's amazing.

• 36:02Sam Morril?

  Like, I, I think I'm gonna shoot my next special in Tampa just because they don't groan at anything.

• 36:07Mark Normand?

  No.

• 36:07Speaker 00

  No.

• 36:08Sam Morril?

  They're a, it's a good comedy.

• 36:09Speaker 00

  You could take someone from Tampa on the stage and kill them. In front of the audience and the audience would enjoy it.

• 36:17Mark Normand?

  They would love it.

• 36:18Speaker 00

  They would love, they would not care. But then you're like, I love Tampa and then it's like great, but then you're eating dinner in a, in a restaurant called like Krabby Bills. And it looks like a pirate ship. And, and you're going, could I do, am I gonna live?

• 36:32Sam Morril?

  This is the best they have?

• 36:33Mark Normand?

  Right, right.

• 36:34Speaker 00

  Am I doing this?

• 36:35Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 36:36Speaker 00

  That's the problem.

• 36:37Sam Morril?

  That's a good point.

• 36:38Speaker 00

  And the waitress comes over and she's got like prison tats on her neck. And you go, is this why I work hard to be part of this?

• 36:46Mark Normand?

  And then they go, there's celebrities in this town. You go, oh, who? They go Hulk Hogan.

• 36:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, right.

• 36:50Mark Normand?

  Carole Baskin.

• 36:50Sam Morril?

  Chris Jericho. It's all wrestlers.

• 36:53Speaker 00

  It's wrestlers and then people from documentaries that have been accused of murder.

• 36:56Mark Normand?

  Yeah. And Scientology.

• 36:59Speaker 00

  Right.

• 36:59Mark Normand?

  In Clearwater.

• 37:00Speaker 00

  But it's great. You get in that Gulf, that water.

• 37:02Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 37:03Speaker 00

  Amazing. SideSplitters, one of the greatest clubs in the world.

• 37:05Mark Normand?

  Great, great club.

• 37:06Speaker 00

  To me, I feel SideSplitters may, it's one of those clubs, I think about that to me is comedy. Driving into that strip mall during a monsoon. And then just like sneaking around the building and going in the back and then having this amazing set. And then having your opener go to Chili's and get you a triple dipper and then bring it back.

• 37:22Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 37:23Speaker 00

  That to me is what it is.

• 37:24Mark Normand?

  It's one of the only, it's a great club. It's one of the only clubs the audience offends me.

• 37:28Speaker 00

  Right.

• 37:28Mark Normand?

  They'll say stuff to me and I'm like, Jesus.

• 37:33Speaker 00

  You're canceled.

• 37:35Mark Normand?

  Oh, but yeah, it's fun. They, they love life down there. Like you see the audience.

• 37:39Speaker 00

  They love life.

• 37:39Mark Normand?

  And it's a woman with two guys next to her and you're like, whoa, what's going on here? And they're like, we're all fucking. And you're like, oh, all right. That's very Florida.

• 37:44Speaker 00

  No, they have orgies down there, but it's, anyone can kind of get involved. Like, it's like, it's like retired doctors and like hookers and then also like people that work at this local steakhouse. Like, it's like Epstein's Island from Mongoloids. Just total monsters and there's something beautiful about it.

• 38:03Mark Normand?

  But instead of 14 year olds, it's like 68 year old women with fake tits.

• 38:07Speaker 00

  They're 71.

• 38:09Sam Morril?

  Yeah, leather skin, but they're still.

• 38:10Speaker 00

  But it's a great place. There's no better place to, to give up.

• 38:13Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 38:14Speaker 00

  It is, that is the place.

• 38:16Mark Normand?

  And then Key West is like the jizz puddle that Florida shot out because they're even more detached.

• 38:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, they're out of it.

• 38:22Mark Normand?

  Oh, it's fun, man. It's just dark. There's a darkness there.

• 38:27Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 38:27Mark Normand?

  It's adult standby.

• 38:29Speaker 00

  It's like people that are trying to get away from stuff.

• 38:30Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 38:31Speaker 00

  People that have run away from stuff.

• 38:32Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 38:33Speaker 00

  You know?

• 38:34Mark Normand?

  I always say it's like New Orleans fucked a Red Lobster. Cause they got wild drinking, but they're also like beachy and uh fun.

• 38:42Speaker 00

  They're fun people. Sunburned.

• 38:44Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 38:44Speaker 00

  A nice red burn.

• 38:46Mark Normand?

  Yeah, and they've seen it all. They're all like, you know, you talk to a cop and you can't, that's how the people are.

• 38:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, no, they're awesome.

• 38:52Mark Normand?

  They're all molested or molested.

• 38:54Speaker 00

  And they're friendly. You'll go to a CVS and you'll ask, you'll be on the phone talking to somebody, they'll overhear you and give you a recommendation. They'll go, actually, what you should do.

• 39:02Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 39:03Speaker 00

  And you're like, oh, you guys are so friendly here. And in New York, you can literally look at a cashier at a CVS and directly ask them a question, they will turn away. They'll go, do you have headphones on? And you're like, alright, well. So it's, there's a friendliness there because people just live.

• 39:16Mark Normand?

  Yeah, there's no boundaries there.

• 39:18Sam Morril?

  I kinda like the rudeness of New Yorkers. I was walking with a tell the other day and we just walked into a CVS. And a woman was taking forever, so we just walked in front of her and she goes, oh, fuck you two.

• 39:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 39:27Sam Morril?

  And it was like, I was like, ah, we just laughed. It's kinda fun.

• 39:30Speaker 00

  Of course.

• 39:31Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 39:31Speaker 00

  Well, that's the thing in LA, after you see, people are fairly like passive aggressive.

• 39:35Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 39:36Speaker 00

  And um, they just, they insult you in kind of a different way. And it's just like, instead, no one will ever say fuck you in LA.

• 39:43Mark Normand?

  No, no, no, no.

• 39:44Speaker 00

  They'll never hear that in, in LA, but it'll just be some version of that.

• 39:49Mark Normand?

  It's a version of fuck you. Like, you bring your girlfriend or your wife to a show and the comment's like, hey, what's up? And you're like, this is my wife. And they're like, so you working on that screenplay? Like, they don't even acknowledge her, cause she's not in the business.

• 40:00Speaker 00

  Right, or they'll go like this. They drop the, the, the word doing. They drop it an octave. Like, they go like this, ready? They go.

• 40:10Speaker 00

  How are you doing? Like, it's a way to just say like, how are you doing? Like, are you?

• 40:14Sam Morril?

  I'm worried about you.

• 40:15Speaker 00

  How are you doing?

• 40:16Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 40:17Speaker 00

  How are you?

• 40:17Mark Normand?

  Interesting.

• 40:18Speaker 00

  How are you doing? You okay?

• 40:20Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 40:21Speaker 00

  You okay?

• 40:21Sam Morril?

  It keeps getting worse.

• 40:22Speaker 00

  It's like so.

• 40:22Sam Morril?

  You gonna kill yourself?

• 40:23Speaker 00

  It's so patronizing. Are you okay?

• 40:25Mark Normand?

  Yeah. You hear that, Whitney?

• 40:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:30Speaker 00

  How are you doing?

• 40:31Mark Normand?

  Yeah, she said she's moving to Texas, but I don't believe it.

• 40:33Sam Morril?

  Is she?

• 40:34Speaker 00

  I think that moving to Texas is over.

• 40:36Sam Morril?

  Really?

• 40:37Speaker 00

  This is Mike. I, I could.

• 40:38Sam Morril?

  You putting your foot down was, I think, a big part of that probably.

• 40:41Speaker 00

  No, it wasn't. I, I, well, maybe it was. I, I just think it, listen, here's the deal.

• 40:44Sam Morril?

  One person being like no is, is helpful.

• 40:46Speaker 00

  I think it's, listen, at the end of the day, let's, let's, Joe is the best, the club is the best. We, every, you know, I, I love Shane, I love Tony, I love everyone. Here's the problem. The.

• 40:56Mark Normand?

  Uh-oh, unknown caller.

• 40:58Speaker 00

  The city of Austin, Texas, let's be very honest, is dangerous. The homeless there are more aggressive than I've ever seen them in New York.

• 41:05Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:06Speaker 00

  There's pockets of it that really do look San Fran like. It's not good.

• 41:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:11Speaker 00

  Like, as a metropolis, it's bad.

• 41:14Mark Normand?

  It's pretty small.

• 41:15Speaker 00

  It's small, it's brown, there's no grass, it's not green. It turns brown. For four months out of the year, it's over 100 degrees. The lake is vomit colored and there are brain eating amoebas that can swim up your nose and kill you within 48 hours. It's rare, but it happens.

• 41:31Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 41:32Sam Morril?

  In Austin, Texas.

• 41:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, and all the hot lake states. When you get in the lake and go, ooh, this is nice and hot, you know, instead of a glacier lake.

• 41:38Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 41:38Speaker 00

  You know.

• 41:39Mark Normand?

  Eat the brain.

• 41:40Speaker 00

  You know, listen, as a city, it's just, you cannot compare it, sorry, to New York or Los Angeles.

• 41:47Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 41:47Sam Morril?

  Nice to hear that.

• 41:48Speaker 00

  Can't be compared.

• 41:49Sam Morril?

  It's nice to hear it.

• 41:50Speaker 00

  I mean, that's not news to anyone, right? I mean, no one.

• 41:52Sam Morril?

  Not to, not to us.

• 41:53Mark Normand?

  Wow, don't say that in the green room with the mothership. They'll stab you.

• 41:57Speaker 00

  Well, I mean, I've said it.

• 41:58Speaker 03

  People were moving there in Biden's America, they moved there in Biden. Now it's Trump's America and all of America's kind of like Austin.

• 42:04Speaker 00

  I think the politics of New York and LA are insane. I don't agree with any of the people that run anything. I'm just talking about the city.

• 42:09Speaker 03

  Right.

• 42:10Speaker 00

  I think, I don't, I don't.

• 42:10Speaker 03

  The lifestyle, the culture.

• 42:12Speaker 00

  I would love if they elected a Republican governor in California. I'd love it. I'm just talking about, let's be very honest, about the actual city.

• 42:19Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 42:20Speaker 00

  Suburbs are nice, the people are cool. I love Texas, I love Dallas.

• 42:23Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 42:24Speaker 00

  I like Houston.

• 42:25Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 42:25Speaker 00

  I like San Antonio better. Like, the actual city of Austin is four blocks and one of them is just 20-person brawls, like melees, that are broken up by horses.

• 42:38Speaker 00

  Like, and, and, so I don't even know what we're talking about.

• 42:41Mark Normand?

  I don't, yeah.

• 42:42Speaker 00

  I don't, I'm just.

• 42:42Mark Normand?

  It's fun to visit.

• 42:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 42:44Mark Normand?

  Pop in for the weekend, pop out. Yeah, I agree. But also, all these towns you go to, they have to tell you how great it is, which is like a person who posts their wedding photo every day and you're like, you guys are gonna break up.

• 42:54Speaker 00

  The great thing about New York, everyone shits on it. If you go, New York sucks, you go.

• 42:57Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 42:58Speaker 00

  Even the people that love it go, you have no idea.

• 42:59Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 43:00Speaker 00

  You have no idea how much it sucks. I'll tell you why it sucks. And we all.

• 43:03Sam Morril?

  That's because we love it.

• 43:04Speaker 00

  Because we love it.

• 43:04Mark Normand?

  Exactly, and you.

• 43:05Sam Morril?

  My wife's a fucking whore. You ever gonna leave her? Of course not.

• 43:07Mark Normand?

  Exactly, I love whores.

• 43:09Speaker 00

  Right, that's the, you know.

• 43:10Mark Normand?

  But you don't have to blow New York every day because it's already great. And look, it's got its problems too.

• 43:16Sam Morril?

  No, but this is the part of living here is being in a constant state of irritation because minute to minute, there's more frustration in New York, there's more stimulation, you're gonna get bumped by a crazy person more often. There's more people on each block, the, the, there's less space, you're navigating, you're going to be more frustrated here, but at the end of the day, you're still like, good place to live.

• 43:36Speaker 00

  Part of the thing you'll substitute is just the worst to the right and the worst to the left, like, everyone's either like a proud boy, is like ready to get in a brawl, or it's like a non-binary, blue-haired dreadlock. Kremlin.

• 43:46Sam Morril?

  They push each other to further length.

• 43:48Speaker 00

  What is it, is there any normal human, is there like a person?

• 43:51Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 43:52Speaker 00

  Normal people are like college kids or, you know, tourists.

• 43:55Mark Normand?

  That's a good point.

• 43:56Sam Morril?

  Interesting, yeah, no, I think they, they push each other so much that they end up like circling around and becoming the same thing.

• 44:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's just like a weird, it's odd.

• 44:04Mark Normand?

  Well, the problem with New York and LA, they're so different, like, New York is like a family that's constantly yelling at each other, like, shut the fuck up, rah rah, you're like, Jesus Christ, my family's dysfunctional, then you go to LA and no one talks. That's like a family that never speaks, and you're like, so which one is better? That's why it's good, you do both.

• 44:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:19Mark Normand?

  You go back and forth.

• 44:21Speaker 00

  Because in LA, it is lonely and weird.

• 44:23Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 44:23Speaker 00

  Soulless and vapid and strange and cold and isolating and, you know, it really is a hard place and, you know, it's, you know, it's, it's, but it's, there's a weird seductiveness to it because like, it is pretty and it smells nice, it's got honeysuckle and jasmine, it's weird, it's like, weirdly mysterious, and you keep thinking it's gonna get better and it never does. But you keep having this vision of the life you'd like to live there if you had the right friends, were in a good relationship, or if you had all the things that like, I'm like, well, if I had a mar-type show and I had 10 writers and we all went in and hung out every day, it's never like that.

• 44:57Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 44:58Speaker 00

  The, the perfect version of that city.

• 44:59Sam Morril?

  It could be like that for you at some point.

• 45:01Speaker 00

  Well, who knows?

• 45:02Mark Normand?

  But it never happens.

• 45:02Speaker 00

  Never happens, and then you're always like on a, on a canyon alone thinking of killing yourself, and then you had, you gotta come back here and have like a bowl of pasta.

• 45:09Mark Normand?

  And there's a community, I think there's more community in the comedy New York scene.

• 45:14Sam Morril?

  Well, there's more hanging out too.

• 45:15Speaker 00

  There's also like, there's young comics, there's older. In LA, it's very, which I kinda like about LA a little bit, is like, it's just very, you'd go, you'd do your work, and you leave. There's something nice about that.

• 45:25Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 45:25Speaker 00

  Because New York, as you get older, the hanging out all the time.

• 45:28Mark Normand?

  Yes, yes.

• 45:29Sam Morril?

  You don't have to hang out.

• 45:30Speaker 00

  No, you don't.

• 45:30Sam Morril?

  You could just go in and leave.

• 45:32Mark Normand?

  But you can.

• 45:32Sam Morril?

  But the culture of it is, I get it.

• 45:34Speaker 00

  But I like, there's something nice about, you're in your car, and you do a bit, and you get in your car, and then you're alone, and that loneliness can actually add to like, what you're doing.

• 45:42Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 45:42Speaker 00

  You go, no one's in my head except me.

• 45:44Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 45:45Speaker 00

  And I think some of those things are, can be good.

• 45:48Sam Morril?

  But you're also like, a guy who I feel like, your mind doesn't shut off, and you're very in your head. So that might actually be a bonus for you, to just be like, okay, like, ideas, jokes, shit like that, you know?

• 45:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. It's sometimes it's good to just take a walk around, like, you know, an area, and just, like, you know. But, but then you also gotta realize, the holidays are so bad there, because there's no soulful.

• 46:10Mark Normand?

  Ooh, yeah.

• 46:10Speaker 00

  There's nothing there that feeds, nothing's real there.

• 46:14Mark Normand?

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• 46:33Sam Morril?

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• 46:37Mark Normand?

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• 47:19Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 47:20Speaker 00

  I mean, all the stuff that I just said bad about Austin, and I'll continue to. There is more of a soul in Texas than there is in California.

• 47:27Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 47:28Speaker 00

  California is soul. Texas has a soul. And California doesn't have a soul. No offense to anyone who lives there, but you don't have a soul. Not everyone needs a soul. There's actually nothing wrong with not having a soul.

• 47:37Mark Normand?

  I would say LA has no soul. I think other parts of California have some soul. I think San Fran in the 90s had a lot of soul. I think you go to San Diego, that feels like... San Diego has like some family, value shit going on.

• 47:49Speaker 00

  There's something just off. There's something off where...

• 47:53Sam Morril?

  Why, every film noir takes place in LA.

• 47:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:55Sam Morril?

  It's about disappointment and broken people and some hot dame fucking you over.

• 48:01Speaker 00

  The Mexicans have souls.

• 48:03Mark Normand?

  There you go.

• 48:04Speaker 00

  Let's just say that. The Mexicans have souls.

• 48:07Mark Normand?

  Coco.

• 48:08Speaker 00

  The Mexicans have souls.

• 48:10Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 48:11Speaker 00

  Sounds like a Christmas album. I'm releasing it for Tucker Carlson. A Tim and Tucker Christmas. The Mexicans have souls.

• 48:17Mark Normand?

  But the problem is, they'll be leaving soon. So, there goes the soul, folks. Solo. So long. Look at those L-selves.

• 48:27Sam Morril?

  Tim, how is your life different when you're like...

• 48:29Mark Normand?

  Oh, the human centipede. Sorry.

• 48:32Sam Morril?

  What's your routine different, like, day to day in LA to New York?

• 48:35Speaker 00

  Uh, I mean, I just walk around more here and get... You know, you go to coffee with people. Kind of like, see people and you just, you just, you know, like, you see people and you just talk more with people. And LA is just kind of like, you gotta make plans with people because everyone lives far away, so...

• 48:51Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 48:52Speaker 00

  You gotta go, "All right, I'll do this with you on this day," and then that's the whole day. And then, you know, but what I loved is like when Malibu wasn't fucked, you'd go, you'd swim in the ocean, you'd take a walk on the beach, you'd go back, you'd do spots, you'd sleep really well, you'd get up the next day. It was like a good...

• 49:07Sam Morril?

  You felt healthier?

• 49:08Speaker 00

  You felt, well, I don't know about healthier, but you feel like you're, it's, you're in an area where you can like...

• 49:14Mark Normand?

  Quality of life.

• 49:14Speaker 00

  Do, yeah, quality of life. You could do some cool stuff. Like, New York comics come in, you go, "We'll go to the beach, we'll go get sushi, and we'll do a bunch of spots," and it's a full day.

• 49:24Mark Normand?

  That's nice.

• 49:25Speaker 00

  It's a nice day, but now that we don't have that, because Malibu's on fire... It's then it's harder.

• 49:30Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 49:30Speaker 00

  And it's harder. It's kinda shitty, but New York is more spontaneous. You just walk around and you know, get in the shit.

• 49:36Mark Normand?

  Now, this is a dumb, like a news style question, but do you think LA is gonna be hit with these fires? The regulations might slow down. Maybe they'll take a hint and, and change a little? Cause you know, you can't do anything there. The rules are out of control. The regulations.

• 49:51Speaker 00

  I think they.

• 49:51Mark Normand?

  Bill Maher's gonna build a pool for 30 years.

• 49:53Speaker 00

  I think they.

• 49:54Mark Normand?

  Are they gonna rewrite the ship and, and save LA or is it fucked to hell and back?

• 50:00Speaker 00

  I mean, I'll just say this. Every time something happens, people go, this is the thing.

• 50:06Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 50:07Speaker 00

  And then it's never really the thing.

• 50:09Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 50:10Speaker 00

  So I don't know if, the reason LA is able to run is because you have like this economy in Northern California that's like eight trillion dollars because it's all the big tech companies.

• 50:20Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 50:21Speaker 00

  And they kinda run it off that. Like the way that California is able to run, they run it off this really consolidated, uh, huge bundle of money.

• 50:32Mark Normand?

  But what if they leave?

• 50:33Speaker 00

  Northern California. They're not gonna leave.

• 50:35Mark Normand?

  Alright.

• 50:35Speaker 00

  Cause they gotta recruit out of Stanford. That's one of the reasons Austin didn't work. You can't recruit out of Rice University in Houston. Do it a little bit, but you need Stanford.

• 50:42Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 50:43Speaker 00

  That's the thing. It's like, people talk about, oh, is this thing gonna be the new Hollywood? You go, no, Hollywood's dead forever.

• 50:47Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 50:48Speaker 00

  But Hollywood, you can't just make a thing what you want it to be in a week. You can't just go, Miami's the new Wall Street. You just can't do that.

• 50:55Mark Normand?

  No.

• 50:55Speaker 00

  You know what I mean? It just doesn't work like that. Areas have cultures that develop for very long periods of time.

• 51:00Mark Normand?

  Mm-hmm.

• 51:01Speaker 00

  And there's a lot of reasons that, like for example, people go, why is Palm Springs a thing? You go, well, it was 99 miles away from Paramount. And there was a clause in everybody's contract that while we're editing the movie, you can't be more than 200 miles away.

• 51:12Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 51:12Speaker 00

  So everybody drove 99 miles and found this beautiful desert and said, we're gonna make it a hot place.

• 51:16Mark Normand?

  I didn't know that.

• 51:17Speaker 00

  There's a reason that everything's, nothing's an accident.

• 51:20Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 51:20Speaker 00

  Everything's developed in a certain way where you go, you go, oh, well, we'll, we'll just move all the tech things somewhere else. You go, yeah, but the literal Ivy League school that has the biggest, all of these tech guys are coming out of is Stanford.

• 51:35Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 51:35Speaker 00

  So you can't, you, you know, that's one of the reasons. That Stanford, Stanford and the Bay Area is the Bay Area. Right, like it's not just an act, you know, so I think that like that's difficulty about, you know.

• 51:48Mark Normand?

  Completely agree. You can't take Hollywood and go, it's gonna be in Houston now.

• 51:51Speaker 00

  Right.

• 51:52Mark Normand?

  That's never gonna work, but I do think you can start a new thing that could become.

• 51:56Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 51:56Mark Normand?

  Like Edison, New Jersey is where movies started, Thomas Edison, with the film reels. He had all these rules. Everybody said, fuck this, let's go to California. There's more daylight, there's cheap land.

• 52:07Speaker 00

  Right.

• 52:07Mark Normand?

  And then they started Hollywood and that's how Hollywood started. All these Jews, writers, all that shit got together. Edison is dead. Now it's all Indian.

• 52:14Sam Morril?

  Well, also, how many movies are being filmed? Wait, what was that?

• 52:17Speaker 00

  I followed that right up till the end. You said it's all India?

• 52:21Mark Normand?

  Indians.

• 52:22Speaker 00

  Oh, Indians?

• 52:23Mark Normand?

  Indians, Edison is now Indian.

• 52:25Speaker 00

  Oh, it's Indians?

• 52:26Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 52:26Sam Morril?

  I thought you meant they run Hollywood.

• 52:27Speaker 00

  I didn't know what.

• 52:28Mark Normand?

  No, no, no, Jews run Hollywood.

• 52:29Speaker 00

  Indians have taken over Hollywood. I go, wait, what happened?

• 52:31Mark Normand?

  No, no, the Jews.

• 52:32Sam Morril?

  Have you seen The Searchers?

• 52:33Mark Normand?

  Indians have taken over Edison.

• 52:35Speaker 00

  But it's the funniest racism to be like, these fucking Indians in Hollywood, I can't get anywhere with these dot heads.

• 52:41Mark Normand?

  They took the cabs and the bodegas, I'll give them that, but not in Edison, but Hollywood was doing.

• 52:47Sam Morril?

  How many movies like can afford to shoot in California now?

• 52:50Speaker 00

  None. They made a big mistake.

• 52:52Sam Morril?

  That's a, that's a big problem.

• 52:53Speaker 00

  They destroyed their whole state.

• 52:54Sam Morril?

  It's hard to shoot a movie in New York too. I mean, it's how expensive it is.

• 52:57Mark Normand?

  They go to Toronto, Atlanta, New Orleans.

• 52:59Sam Morril?

  Hoboken?

• 53:00Speaker 00

  They never should have let any productions leave because that to me, once you let them all leave and people go, oh shit, we don't have to live here, then fucking nobody's who's gonna live there.

• 53:08Mark Normand?

  They literally said, I think Ben Affleck just came out on a rant and said it's cheaper to ship the crew to Ireland and shoot there than to go across the Radford line.

• 53:15Sam Morril?

  Look how they did The Brutalist. They shot it all in Europe.

• 53:18Mark Normand?

  Oh, really?

• 53:19Sam Morril?

  Yeah, none of that was in America.

• 53:20Speaker 00

  LA just becomes a vassal state of China. They're buying all the big real estate now, truly.

• 53:24Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 53:24Speaker 00

  Seventy-five percent of people buying high-end real estate in Los Angeles are Chinese nationals. So if you're selling a property over $10 million, at least 50% of them right now are being bought by foreign money and heavily Chinese.

• 53:37Mark Normand?

  Well, that's a rap.

• 53:38Speaker 00

  Couple of Saudis, couple of this, couple of that, but it's no longer a play. The head of the studio isn't living there anymore. It's the Chinese amusement.

• 53:47Sam Morril?

  Where are they living now?

• 53:48Speaker 00

  Uh, they're, you know, they, they maybe are splitting time. They're, you know, some of them, a lot of them are still there, but they've downsized there. Some of them, you know, have gone somewhere else, you know?

• 54:03Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 54:03Mark Normand?

  I heard it's all Indian.

• 54:05Speaker 00

  No, it's a lot of Indians.

• 54:07Mark Normand?

  Yeah. God, this is wild.

• 54:08Speaker 00

  There's not enough, there's not enough American money to, to, to, to, just like New York. There's not enough American money to run these cities.

• 54:17Mark Normand?

  Really?

• 54:18Speaker 00

  Yeah, no.

• 54:18Mark Normand?

  That's terrifying.

• 54:19Speaker 00

  No, they're global. You take foreign money out of the city, the real estate values will crash 40%.

• 54:26Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 54:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, 50% easily, easily.

• 54:29Mark Normand?

  How did we do it before, like the 50s?

• 54:32Speaker 00

  Well, in the 50s, you weren't, number one, you didn't, you didn't have $200 million apartment.

• 54:36Sam Morril?

  And also, people could afford homes back then. You could have a regular job.

• 54:39Mark Normand?

  And they should go back to that.

• 54:41Speaker 00

  Look at CEO pay, it wasn't like a million times what a worker made. Like, there was more of a value. Uh, but now you have, and also in the 50s, all the countries, they didn't have billionaires in those countries, right? Like, you didn't have, like, now you have India's coming up, China's there.

• 54:58Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 54:58Speaker 00

  Russia has tons of wealth, you know, Brazil, all these emerging market, whatever, forget the Middle East, right? I mean, Dubai, Qatar, all these places. They all have the money now to come in here and buy tons and tons of, of real estate. And without them, you know, you, you, you, the average condo price in Manhattan, I think is $2.3 million, which is way higher than it should be.

• 55:18Mark Normand?

  Mm-hmm.

• 55:18Speaker 00

  Without foreign money, that falls to probably about a million bucks, which is still a lot of fucking money.

• 55:22Mark Normand?

  But isn't that good?

• 55:23Speaker 00

  Um.

• 55:24Mark Normand?

  Then we can pay less.

• 55:25Speaker 00

  Well, listen, it is good in certain ways.

• 55:27Mark Normand?

  No one has a house anymore.

• 55:28Speaker 00

  No, I agree with you, and I think it might be good, but if you're invested, if you're 401K, uh, it will not be good for that, because all of your...

• 55:35Mark Normand?

  If you have a place, it ain't good.

• 55:36Speaker 00

  All of your investments, even if you're a teacher, are tied into these big companies like BlackRock.

• 55:41Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 55:42Speaker 00

  And that's why, that, this is why they do it like this, so they get everybody integrated, so they go, sure, you wanna fucking do this? We'll pull the plug and everybody loses, right?

• 55:50Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 55:51Speaker 00

  All your 401Ks are indexed to these stocks, these stocks are based on, what do you think all these, all these private equity companies are doing, right?

• 55:58Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 55:58Speaker 00

  So all of, if these companies tumble because the prices of things tumble, I mean, it becomes a problem.

• 56:04Mark Normand?

  Yikes.

• 56:05Speaker 00

  So it's a big scam.

• 56:06Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 56:07Speaker 00

  But I think if you unwind it now, it could be ugly.

• 56:10Sam Morril?

  Right.

• 56:10Mark Normand?

  Interesting.

• 56:11Sam Morril?

  It's bad, but undone, it could be worse.

• 56:13Speaker 00

  That, it might be, well, you know?

• 56:15Mark Normand?

  It's a big club and you ain't in it.

• 56:17Speaker 00

  Yeah. Or we're all in it, that's really, that's, that's actually the worst thing.

• 56:22Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 56:22Speaker 00

  We're all to some degree in it.

• 56:24Mark Normand?

  Oh, it's so funny what people get offended by, and then we're living in this hellscape of like, uh, Chinese money.

• 56:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 56:30Mark Normand?

  Yikes.

• 56:32Sam Morril?

  Oh, I gotta ask you this, cuz Chrissy told this story about Emma Stone and you on the podcast.

• 56:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 56:36Sam Morril?

  Does she hate you?

• 56:37Speaker 00

  I don't know if she hates me, but she didn't like me because of like, an incident in like, a sushi place in Sushi Park. No, it's not, you're not gonna find it.

• 56:48Sam Morril?

  It's a trigger finger.

• 56:50Speaker 00

  But no, she didn't like, whatever, like, she was in a sushi place that we both liked going to, and there was like, we didn't know whose table it was, or whatever, and she didn't like, it was a couple of looks being thrown, and

• 57:00Mark Normand?

  What?

• 57:00Speaker 00

  Comments, you know, it's okay.

• 57:02Mark Normand?

  Interesting.

• 57:03Speaker 00

  You know.

• 57:03Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I heard Bill Burr, somebody goes, "You wanna meet Obama?" He goes, "No, I don't wanna be Obama." Like, "You don't like Obama?" He's like, "No, I just wanna be able to make fun of him."

• 57:10Speaker 00

  Right.

• 57:10Mark Normand?

  If I meet him, I can't shit on him.

• 57:11Speaker 00

  I didn't wanna go to the inauguration, cuz I go, I wanna be able to say whatever I want.

• 57:14Mark Normand?

  Exactly.

• 57:15Speaker 00

  And if I go, and I, then I, I feel weird about saying it, maybe.

• 57:19Mark Normand?

  That makes sense.

• 57:20Sam Morril?

  I think that's the move as a comedian.

• 57:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 57:22Sam Morril?

  Um, what, are there any people who have reached out who you trash on your podcast, where you're like, "Ah, I feel a little bad, I shit on them," or?

• 57:28Speaker 00

  Uh, no.

• 57:31Mark Normand?

  Some people like it.

• 57:32Speaker 00

  No one really reached, no one reaches out, and they're usually, usually it's big figures that are not, like, people like Meghan Markle don't care, that's why she succeeds, she doesn't care. She knows, she leans in.

• 57:46Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 57:47Speaker 00

  And that's why it works.

• 57:49Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 57:49Sam Morril?

  Is it work, I feel like, I guess she's just failing upward, I feel like everything she does seems like, it doesn't work.

• 57:54Speaker 00

  Right now, I think part of it is just being famous, whether you're liked or hated.

• 57:57Sam Morril?

  Right.

• 57:58Speaker 00

  I don't know if it matters if people like you or hate you, it's like, obviously you don't wanna be hated, I guess, some people don't want to, but I don't think she really cares, she doesn't seem to care.

• 58:06Mark Normand?

  Yeah, my neighbors in Brooklyn are British, and they're like, "We fucking hate Meghan Markle, she ruined the royal family." "We hate her show, too, we just finished it."

• 58:14Speaker 00

  Right.

• 58:15Mark Normand?

  So like, they, they watch the show, cuz they hate her.

• 58:17Speaker 00

  No, you gotta hate-watch the show.

• 58:18Sam Morril?

  The Stern thing?

• 58:19Mark Normand?

  Yes, yes.

• 58:20Sam Morril?

  How long do you listen?

• 58:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:21Sam Morril?

  As a person who, who likes you?

• 58:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, they listen more.

• 58:23Sam Morril?

  The people don't like you, listen more.

• 58:25Speaker 00

  So I think, I think that's the move, you know?

• 58:27Mark Normand?

  Yikes. And Meghan Markle's like, she doesn't know what a podcast is.

• 58:30Speaker 00

  She doesn't care, if somebody showed her a clip of me, probably, and she goes, "Who cares, these fucking fat idiots." I just scammed the prince.

• 58:37Mark Normand?

  Exactly.

• 58:38Speaker 00

  I just conned the royal family. What do I care?

• 58:41Sam Morril?

  I wonder what that, I wonder what that behind closed doors is like.

• 58:43Mark Normand?

  Oh, it can't be.

• 58:44Speaker 00

  She knew what she was doing, I think, and I think it was, it was actually smart. She was like, fuck this. She goes, fuck this.

• 58:50Sam Morril?

  Well, she knew, he, didn't he court her? He saw her on TV and was like, I want her.

• 58:53Mark Normand?

  I get.

• 58:54Speaker 00

  No, there's no way. I mean.

• 58:57Mark Normand?

  That's what I heard, but I think she did the, the back work.

• 59:01Sam Morril?

  By the way, that is a fucking cool level of success. You're like, her.

• 59:05Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 59:05Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, for sure. But I think what was great about her, she's like, I'm so into, like, in the beginning, she was so into, you watch that documentary?

• 59:11Sam Morril?

  I didn't.

• 59:11Speaker 00

  She was so into it in the beginning. She's like doing the appearances and everything like that. The deal with the British royal family is they, the, the people pay for their lifestyles. So the people pay, their taxes allow these people to live like, like Disney characters.

• 59:27Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 59:28Speaker 00

  And, and.

• 59:29Sam Morril?

  It was this strange tradition.

• 59:30Speaker 00

  But the payment for that.

• 59:31Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 59:32Speaker 00

  Is that they, you, they get to know everything about your life.

• 59:35Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 59:36Speaker 00

  Meaning like it's the ultimate reality show to them. They don't have the Kardashians. They have the royal family.

• 59:40Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 59:41Speaker 00

  So they, so these, these women in like Putney or whatever, these little places, you know, what's Kate's cancer? What cancer does she have? And they're into it because that's their entertainment.

• 59:53Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 59:54Speaker 00

  And then Meghan Markle came in and goes, what do you mean you want a picture of my kid? And you go, it's our kid.

• 59:59Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 1:00:00Speaker 00

  We pay for this, all of this shit and, and you people belong to us.

• 1:00:04Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 1:00:06Speaker 00

  She had to know that. You can't not know that going in.

• 1:00:10Mark Normand?

  So Princess Di in a car crash was like, that's a ratings bonanza for them.

• 1:00:14Speaker 00

  It was the season finale. That is the season finale of ER. It's Julianna Margulies and Clooney. Will they, won't they?

• 1:00:24Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that's just like, hey, we eliminated a character. We had to write you off.

• 1:00:28Speaker 00

  It's big. So, but that's the, that's the game over there. It's like they don't, they're obsessed with those people.

• 1:00:34Mark Normand?

  Obsessed.

• 1:00:35Speaker 00

  Princess Beatrice. These people look like they got hit in the mouth with a golf club.

• 1:00:40Mark Normand?

  I know, but.

• 1:00:41Speaker 00

  None of them are hot.

• 1:00:41Sam Morril?

  It's like the wire. You're like, who's that character again?

• 1:00:44Speaker 00

  None of them are hot. It doesn't matter. They're just royals and they're upset. Cause that's, by the way, if you take away the royal family over there, what do you have?

• 1:00:53Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 1:00:54Speaker 00

  That's the question. Like, here's the thing about America. If you take away the president. Yeah, if you take away the president in America, you can't. Even though like, let's say the country would still kinda run, you, I mean, Jesus.

• 1:01:07Mark Normand?

  Come on, I'm eating here.

• 1:01:11Mark Normand?

  Well, at least our celebrities are attractive.

• 1:01:13Speaker 00

  But this is what I'm, but by the way, it's inbred, it's inbreeding.

• 1:01:15Mark Normand?

  Yeah, of course.

• 1:01:16Speaker 00

  It's beautiful.

• 1:01:17Mark Normand?

  Look at that. Look at the log on that gun.

• 1:01:19Speaker 00

  Hot glass.

• 1:01:19Sam Morril?

  That would be a toothy BJ right there. That's a tough one.

• 1:01:23Mark Normand?

  Yeah, there goes Big Ben. Holy hell.

• 1:01:25Speaker 00

  I'm eating here. What the funniest I've ever heard?

• 1:01:29Mark Normand?

  Uh, wowee.

• 1:01:31Sam Morril?

  Pie oh my.

• 1:01:32Mark Normand?

  Somebody get a carrot.

• 1:01:34Speaker 00

  It's like, we're obsessed with the president. Everyone writes about the president. They're obsessed with these people.

• 1:01:38Mark Normand?

  Sure, sure.

• 1:01:39Speaker 00

  They love it.

• 1:01:39Mark Normand?

  At least Trump is saying crazy shit that you're like, hey, did you hear what Trump said? That was crazy.

• 1:01:43Speaker 00

  But these people, they're so boring.

• 1:01:45Mark Normand?

  They're boring.

• 1:01:46Speaker 00

  They're incredibly boring, until they start cheating on each other or killing each other.

• 1:01:50Sam Morril?

  Well, the only interesting story is the one they won't talk about, which is Prince Andrew, you know?

• 1:01:54Mark Normand?

  Epstein Island.

• 1:01:54Speaker 00

  They keep him nice and locked up.

• 1:01:56Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:57Mark Normand?

  Well, we watched The Crown, that was interesting.

• 1:01:59Sam Morril?

  That was a good show.

• 1:02:00Mark Normand?

  Good show.

• 1:02:01Sam Morril?

  First couple of seasons at least were pretty good.

• 1:02:02Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:03Speaker 00

  There's a, yeah.

• 1:02:05Sam Morril?

  This guy was a good Churchill.

• 1:02:06Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah, he's great.

• 1:02:08Speaker 00

  It's a great show.

• 1:02:09Mark Normand?

  But yeah, you're right, that is their reality show, and it's literal reality.

• 1:02:12Speaker 00

  That's what it is.

• 1:02:13Mark Normand?

  And it's perfect, cause the, Harry is the fuck up. You know, he goes and marries the black chick, he moves away, and then the other guy went bald, but his wife is a, is a class act.

• 1:02:23Sam Morril?

  It's like you were saying, it was like 90s racism, but they were holding on to that shit.

• 1:02:26Speaker 00

  That's right. But it probably wasn't even that bad, it was probably like very polite racism.

• 1:02:30Speaker 03

  Well, did you hear what she said? The, the most racist thing she's ever heard?

• 1:02:33Speaker 00

  What?

• 1:02:34Speaker 03

  Um, someone in the family said, "Oh, he's so pink and you're light brown, I wonder what color the baby will be." And she was like, "This is the most racist thing I've ever heard."

• 1:02:42Speaker 00

  Sure, I mean, listen, maybe it was the way they said it was indelicate, but it was probably not.

• 1:02:47Speaker 03

  It's a minor curiosity.

• 1:02:48Speaker 00

  Proper accent, like, what a color do you think it would be?

• 1:02:52Sam Morril?

  It also sucks to be described as light pink.

• 1:02:54Speaker 00

  He's large.

• 1:02:55Sam Morril?

  That's kinda rough, too.

• 1:02:56Speaker 00

  You're a bit dusky. What do you think's coming out of your love?

• 1:03:00Mark Normand?

  Well, Chris Rock had that great bit, he's like, "That ain't racist, black people do that to black people." Like, "Oh, I hope he's not too dark," you know? He did it better.

• 1:03:09Speaker 00

  I like her, I like her now, I think she's, um, I think she's won me over.

• 1:03:15Mark Normand?

  Really? Wow. She's got the Cupcake Show now, or whatever she does.

• 1:03:17Speaker 00

  Well, she's not only that, she's... To me, the best thing in the world is somebody goes, "Oh, you hate me? Good. You'll really hate this."

• 1:03:23Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:24Speaker 00

  Like, that, to me, I go... Because, by the way, it gives you nowhere to go.

• 1:03:27Mark Normand?

  She's a heel.

• 1:03:28Speaker 00

  Yeah, you just know where to go now.

• 1:03:29Mark Normand?

  Right. Interesting.

• 1:03:31Sam Morril?

  How long do you think people are gonna care about her?

• 1:03:34Speaker 00

  She'll get... She'll milk this for a few years.

• 1:03:37Mark Normand?

  Yeah, she'll keep working if she keeps...

• 1:03:38Speaker 00

  And then she's gonna have to throw him away, or he's gonna have to throw her away, or they're gonna have to go back to the UK. I predict they're going back to the UK.

• 1:03:47Mark Normand?

  Oh, 100%.

• 1:03:47Speaker 00

  They're going back.

• 1:03:48Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that'll be the whole thing.

• 1:03:49Speaker 00

  I predict they're going back to the UK. It's gonna be a whole thing. It's season three.

• 1:03:54Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:03:55Speaker 00

  It's season three.

• 1:03:56Mark Normand?

  A lot of pearl clenching. The fans are gonna go, "I'd never..."

• 1:03:59Speaker 00

  It's season three. Charles is gonna croak.

• 1:04:02Mark Normand?

  Yep.

• 1:04:02Speaker 00

  He's gonna come back right before the dad croaks. He's gonna have a deathbed, make peace with his father. His father's gonna go, "I also had many... I also dated blacks."

• 1:04:10Mark Normand?

  Yes, they were brown.

• 1:04:12Speaker 00

  And then he's gonna go, and then they're gonna be back, and the brothers are gonna be reunited, and it's back. And then everybody in Britain's like, "Let's wolf shit."

• 1:04:21Mark Normand?

  Take that to the bank. And you know what? She's gonna black it up. She's gonna walk in there with a boombox on her shoulder.

• 1:04:26Speaker 00

  He's black.

• 1:04:27Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:04:28Speaker 00

  Purple sweatsuit, boombox.

• 1:04:30Mark Normand?

  Breakdancing into the castle.

• 1:04:31Speaker 00

  1,000%.

• 1:04:32Sam Morril?

  Good writing.

• 1:04:33Speaker 00

  In living color black.

• 1:04:34Mark Normand?

  Yeah. Gold teeth, grill, big sneakers, shooting up the place. It's gonna be great.

• 1:04:40Speaker 00

  Dapping up Trump.

• 1:04:42Mark Normand?

  Grape drink. You name it.

• 1:04:44Speaker 00

  Yeah. Well, that's good.

• 1:04:46Mark Normand?

  I think that... I think you just sold season five of Royal Queefs.

• 1:04:50Sam Morril?

  If they're listening, they're like, "That's the move."

• 1:04:52Mark Normand?

  That's the move.

• 1:04:53Speaker 00

  Season six is... It's all Indians. And it will just all be... A whole...

• 1:04:58Sam Morril?

  These fucking Indians are running this script room, then.

• 1:05:01Mark Normand?

  Well, but a lot of Indians in England.

• 1:05:03Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:05:03Sam Morril?

  Good Indian food.

• 1:05:05Mark Normand?

  Great curry over there.

• 1:05:06Speaker 00

  Shishma Hall, a block from the Stan Comedy Club in Glasgow, Scotland. Maybe the...

• 1:05:11Mark Normand?

  Oh, really?

• 1:05:12Speaker 00

  Best I've ever...

• 1:05:12Sam Morril?

  You gotta hit us with some food recs, because you are like... By the way, you gave us a food rec in one place.

• 1:05:16Speaker 00

  Was it good?

• 1:05:17Sam Morril?

  It was good, and you're one of the only people Vitor will let, either way.

• 1:05:20Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:05:21Sam Morril?

  You've earned his respect as a food... He's a food... Snobby cunt.

• 1:05:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:05:25Sam Morril?

  You've earned his respect.

• 1:05:27Speaker 00

  Where was it? Do you remember?

• 1:05:28Sam Morril?

  I forgot. It was a seafood place somewhere, but.

• 1:05:30Speaker 00

  Interesting.

• 1:05:31Sam Morril?

  But you, it was.

• 1:05:32Speaker 00

  Chicago?

• 1:05:33Sam Morril?

  It did. No, I have a spot in Chicago. I go to Shaw's Crab House in Chicago. That's my go-to there.

• 1:05:37Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:05:38Sam Morril?

  But Stefano and I got fucking lit up last time we were there and ended up, he books us on a boat. We had like five martinis each and he's like, we have one of his kids with him and his girlfriend. And he's like, I got us a boat tour. And I'm like, ah, that'll be nice. We'll get hammered. We'll talk. It's with a guide. So we just have to sit there quietly as the guide's like, and here's this.

• 1:05:57Speaker 00

  What?

• 1:05:57Sam Morril?

  We're just like, we're just like, cool.

• 1:05:58Speaker 00

  Oh. You can tell them to shut up. Here's a bunch of money. We don't care.

• 1:06:03Mark Normand?

  That's true. Push them over like a Robert Wagner.

• 1:06:05Sam Morril?

  But now you've earned, give us some, give us some food spots. New York, LA. Where should we go?

• 1:06:10Speaker 00

  Oh, I don't know anymore.

• 1:06:12Sam Morril?

  Texas?

• 1:06:13Mark Normand?

  Gotta be a steakhouse.

• 1:06:14Speaker 00

  Texas, there's a great place in an alley. There's a junkie who's got really good. But this is the type of fentanyl where you're not dead. It's just you get real, you get real warm inside. No, I don't, I don't, I don't really know. I, I've kind of retired from getting wrecks because then I'll go to a place and I'll be like, I'll be unhappy with it. And I just, I, you know, you gotta figure it out on your own. I don't want to give people any advertising. These people are doing fine.

• 1:06:40Sam Morril?

  Fair enough, fair enough.

• 1:06:41Speaker 00

  I think the, I think Italians, are there too many Italians on social media? I think people waiting four months to eat spicy rigatoni is stupid. I think this glorification of chicken parmigiana is retarded. I think like.

• 1:06:52Sam Morril?

  I agree.

• 1:06:53Speaker 00

  This, this, for guys who grew up in New York, like it's a little embarrassing. I'm a little embarrassed for all these people. But I get it. If you come here from Ohio, you think it's a big deal to eat like spicy rigatoni. It's like my friend's mother will make you spicy rigatoni. You know what I mean? She'll tell you the earth is flat and defend January 6th.

• 1:07:07Sam Morril?

  But that's part of the dish.

• 1:07:09Speaker 00

  But the food is good. Like, I don't know, the, the food direction the city is going in, I actually don't like.

• 1:07:13Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 1:07:14Speaker 00

  I don't like restaurants like the corner store where they're like, hey, what about Totino's pizza rolls? Except they're $70 because we've got.

• 1:07:20Sam Morril?

  I, I.

• 1:07:20Speaker 00

  I hate all this shit. It's all nightclubs. It's all gross. I remember when you used to eat in a restaurant and it was like you dress in a suit and the chef was from France and he hated you, but he made great food and everybody.

• 1:07:33Sam Morril?

  I love that you're like dressing. You look like you're Sandler right now.

• 1:07:35Speaker 00

  Well, because I'm not being pressured to act a certain way.

• 1:07:39Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 1:07:39Speaker 00

  I just, we had lunch at Lugers. It was damn horrible.

• 1:07:42Sam Morril?

  Just now? It was bad?

• 1:07:43Mark Normand?

  I never loved, I thought I always loved Lugers.

• 1:07:45Sam Morril?

  No, by the way, he's my buddy there.

• 1:07:47Mark Normand?

  Oh, I love Lugers.

• 1:07:49Speaker 00

  I like Lugers too, but I'll tell you right now, the steak we had, it's not where it was.

• 1:07:54Mark Normand?

  Interesting.

• 1:07:55Speaker 00

  It is not where it was, dude.

• 1:07:56Sam Morril?

  That was like our childhood. That was like...

• 1:07:57Speaker 00

  I know, I loved it. There was one on Long Island, but it's just not where it was.

• 1:08:01Sam Morril?

  I had it, I had it recently. It was good. Do you ever go to Strip House?

• 1:08:04Speaker 00

  Strip House is good.

• 1:08:05Mark Normand?

  That's a good steak.

• 1:08:06Speaker 00

  There's a bunch, one's good.

• 1:08:07Sam Morril?

  They have our whiskey too there, so we love that.

• 1:08:08Speaker 00

  Don Angie is really good in the village.

• 1:08:10Sam Morril?

  Don Angie's very good.

• 1:08:11Speaker 00

  Don Angie's great in the village. Don Angie's great.

• 1:08:14Mark Normand?

  Where's that?

• 1:08:14Speaker 00

  Uh, it's in, uh, it's by the cellar.

• 1:08:16Sam Morril?

  It's like, it's near Sixth Avenue.

• 1:08:17Mark Normand?

  Oh, wow, shit, I've never been there.

• 1:08:18Speaker 00

  Don Angie's good. Don Angie's killing it.

• 1:08:21Mark Normand?

  What do you know about this Red Hook Burger?

• 1:08:23Speaker 00

  It's the best. I have friends with the guy who owns it.

• 1:08:25Mark Normand?

  Really?

• 1:08:25Speaker 00

  Best burger in the city. Me, Schultz, and Bethany Frankel had it. He has a place called Sag Harbor Tavern.

• 1:08:30Sam Morril?

  Bethany Frankel ate?

• 1:08:31Speaker 00

  Yeah. She eats all the time, you know? You can eat...

• 1:08:34Mark Normand?

  I'm dying to go. Pull that up, Sally.

• 1:08:36Sam Morril?

  How do you feel about like Four Charles or Manetta Burgers?

• 1:08:39Speaker 00

  Fine.

• 1:08:40Sam Morril?

  Just fine? Oh, I love the Manetta Burger.

• 1:08:42Speaker 00

  The Manetta Burger's great. It's a burger with sauteed onions on a bun. I'll come for you. I'll do it in my apartment for you.

• 1:08:48Sam Morril?

  Alright.

• 1:08:49Speaker 00

  It's good. It's not bad.

• 1:08:50Sam Morril?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:08:50Speaker 00

  It's not bad. Their chocolate souffle was great. It used to be great.

• 1:08:52Mark Normand?

  This burger's on a wait list. You gotta wait nine years to get this burger.

• 1:08:55Speaker 00

  This guy has created the best burger in the world. He knows all about Texas barbecue.

• 1:09:00Mark Normand?

  We gotta go there.

• 1:09:00Speaker 00

  He's great. It's the legendary Sag Harbor Tavern is easier to get into in out east in the Hamptons.

• 1:09:07Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 1:09:07Speaker 00

  You guys should come out one day. We'll all go.

• 1:09:09Mark Normand?

  I'd love to.

• 1:09:10Speaker 00

  Do an episode from there. Hang out, swim in the pool, do whatever, but he kills it, this guy. I love this guy.

• 1:09:15Mark Normand?

  What's so great about it? What's the difference? It looks like a cheeseburger.

• 1:09:17Speaker 00

  The burger sits on an onion.

• 1:09:19Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 1:09:19Speaker 00

  So the juice from the burger cooks the onion, but it doesn't make the bun soggy.

• 1:09:23Mark Normand?

  Whoa, it's science.

• 1:09:26Speaker 00

  It's science.

• 1:09:27Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:28Speaker 00

  Oh, man.

• 1:09:28Sam Morril?

  I've heard this is, this is every, whenever you see like-

• 1:09:30Speaker 00

  It sits on a raw onion.

• 1:09:32Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:32Speaker 00

  It puts the burger on a raw onion, but the onion itself starts to get cooked by the burger. So it's like a half-cooked onion.

• 1:09:38Mark Normand?

  Interesting.

• 1:09:39Speaker 00

  And the bun doesn't get all fucked up.

• 1:09:42Mark Normand?

  Look at that.

• 1:09:42Speaker 00

  And then the cheese is perfect. And then, I gotta be honest, I love ketchup. I don't even use ketchup with it.

• 1:09:48Mark Normand?

  Damn.

• 1:09:49Speaker 00

  It's the best thing I've ever had in my li- it's one of the best things I've ever had in my life.

• 1:09:53Mark Normand?

  Wow, this is a big endorse.

• 1:09:54Sam Morril?

  We should, we should figure it out.

• 1:09:55Mark Normand?

  We gotta go.

• 1:09:55Speaker 00

  He deserves it. He's a good person. He's a great guy. And, you know, he's created a thing that's really made our city better.

• 1:10:01Mark Normand?

  This is way better than the cronut.

• 1:10:03Speaker 00

  People, I'm just running for city council, like, we want you to talk about education.

• 1:10:11Mark Normand?

  Boy, Mayor Adams, is he out?

• 1:10:12Sam Morril?

  By the way, I, I knew he'd, he'd come out of him. He was like, I don't want to give any inadvertising.

• 1:10:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, but now, no, this is-

• 1:10:17Mark Normand?

  I had to bring it up.

• 1:10:17Speaker 00

  Because you know what it is? I'll do something and then I'll be like, oh, then I'll go, I did it recently. I told someone, I said something, oh, that place is great. Then I went and they go, oh, it sucks.

• 1:10:25Mark Normand?

  Oh, interesting.

• 1:10:26Speaker 00

  This is the best burger in the city.

• 1:10:28Mark Normand?

  Okay, that's a big-

• 1:10:29Speaker 00

  Best burger in the, the United States of America right now.

• 1:10:31Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 1:10:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:10:32Mark Normand?

  Let's go the other way. Do you guys have any peeves? Anything's pissing you off lately?

• 1:10:35Sam Morril?

  I got a ton of peeves.

• 1:10:36Mark Normand?

  Pull them up.

• 1:10:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:10:37Sam Morril?

  I wrote some down.

• 1:10:38Mark Normand?

  This is something that bugs you?

• 1:10:39Sam Morril?

  Let me give you a couple peeves. Uh, peeve, I wrote some down so I don't forget.

• 1:10:43Mark Normand?

  I had one today that just annoyed me. It's not really a peeve, like a, but it was a specific thing. I'm trying to garden.

• 1:10:49Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:49Mark Normand?

  I, I got a bunch of plant-

• 1:10:50Sam Morril?

  Really?

• 1:10:50Mark Normand?

  I went to a plant nursery.

• 1:10:51Sam Morril?

  That's nice.

• 1:10:52Mark Normand?

  Well, my, in my neighborhood is getting a little high-end. So they're all looking at my house like, hey, you're the white trash douche on the block. Like, you gotta step it up.

• 1:10:59Speaker 00

  Right.

• 1:11:00Mark Normand?

  And it's all these like rich parents and shit. So I went to the nursery. I picked out a bunch of shit. It cost me eight million dollars. I lugged it all back to the house and I'm in the dirt with a fucking spoon, trying to put some plants in.

• 1:11:11Speaker 00

  Right.

• 1:11:12Mark Normand?

  And this old guy walks by and he goes, what are you doing? And I'm like, I'm trying to spruce up the front lawn area. And he's like, you're doing it all wrong. You got a crack in your sidewalk. You gotta change that. There's graffiti on your wall. And I'm like, alright, old man. Like, I, I'm on my knees here. I'm trying.

• 1:11:26Sam Morril?

  Is, is that his way of trying to help or is he just annoying?

• 1:11:29Mark Normand?

  I think he's just a dick. He's just like mansplaining me about how to garden and how my house sucks. And he's like, you gotta step it up. And I'm like, I didn't even know he-

• 1:11:36Speaker 00

  I kinda liked that he attacked her.

• 1:11:38Mark Normand?

  How about hello?

• 1:11:39Speaker 00

  Because you're vulnerable, you're putting bulbs in.

• 1:11:41Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:11:42Speaker 00

  And then an old guy comes and just goes at ya.

• 1:11:44Mark Normand?

  I mean, it was bad. I was on my hands and knees with an apron on, my underwear.

• 1:11:48Sam Morril?

  I can't believe you're gardening. You're like, that's like real dad shit.

• 1:11:51Mark Normand?

  I know, I'm a dad.

• 1:11:52Sam Morril?

  You're becoming that like gaffigan.

• 1:11:53Speaker 00

  Are you gonna plant like herbs?

• 1:11:54Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I'll do it all.

• 1:11:55Speaker 00

  That's good, you get an herb.

• 1:11:56Sam Morril?

  No, it's very, I have, I have, I'm like, I have a terrace I have.

• 1:11:59Mark Normand?

  Oh, you do?

• 1:12:00Sam Morril?

  Yeah, but I'm on the road and I always come back to it. I'm like, I don't give a shit. And it's all dead when I come back.

• 1:12:03Mark Normand?

  That's gonna happen with me and the kid.

• 1:12:04Speaker 00

  You guys know, you guys know Tracy?

• 1:12:06Mark Normand?

  Morgan?

• 1:12:07Speaker 00

  Carnazo. So she planted fruit in, in, out east, in my house out east, and then the bugs went crazy. And, and then.

• 1:12:16Mark Normand?

  They ate it?

• 1:12:16Speaker 00

  There's just bugs all over the place in the back. So don't do fruit.

• 1:12:20Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 1:12:20Speaker 00

  Because they'll go nuts, these fu, the bugs.

• 1:12:24Mark Normand?

  Alright, good to know.

• 1:12:24Sam Morril?

  I got a, I got a good peeve. People who put in the seltzer thing the wrong way.

• 1:12:29Mark Normand?

  The seltzer thing?

• 1:12:30Sam Morril?

  You know the seltzer cans? You put them in vertically instead of horizontal, or horizontally instead of vertically. You open it, they fucking come out.

• 1:12:37Speaker 00

  Right.

• 1:12:38Sam Morril?

  This is a bad, I have two bad peeves.

• 1:12:39Mark Normand?

  In the crisper?

• 1:12:44Mark Normand?

  Oh, oh, I got you.

• 1:12:46Sam Morril?

  These are both bad ones, I'm sorry guys.

• 1:12:48Speaker 00

  I get it.

• 1:12:49Mark Normand?

  I get that, they roll out.

• 1:12:49Sam Morril?

  I have only bad ones today.

• 1:12:51Mark Normand?

  You get the avalanche.

• 1:12:51Sam Morril?

  We haven't done peeves in a while.

• 1:12:53Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:54Sam Morril?

  I wasn't prepared.

• 1:12:55Mark Normand?

  No, no, no.

• 1:12:56Sam Morril?

  I fucked up.

• 1:12:57Mark Normand?

  I don't mind the seltzer.

• 1:12:58Sam Morril?

  I'm a cunt. Let me, let me grunt to get out of this, to pretend I'm. Yeah.

• 1:13:03Mark Normand?

  Yeah, what, what else is a peeve? I, I had a couple, um.

• 1:13:05Sam Morril?

  I had a couple, I've nothing good.

• 1:13:06Mark Normand?

  I should have written them down.

• 1:13:07Sam Morril?

  God damn it. I don't even know I wrote these down, these aren't even good.

• 1:13:09Mark Normand?

  Well, they hit you in the moment.

• 1:13:11Speaker 00

  Here's a peeve, and I, I, everyone's probably had it. If the restaurant's completely empty and they go, do you have a reservation? I get angry at that, because you go, why? You know what I mean? Like, why are you asking me if I had a reservation? Because your restaurant's empty. But my friend told.

• 1:13:23Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:13:24Speaker 00

  My friend told me, worked at a restaurant, they're actually just wanna cross your name off.

• 1:13:26Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:27Speaker 00

  If you have a reservation. But I'm like, well.

• 1:13:28Mark Normand?

  Ah, that's good.

• 1:13:29Speaker 00

  An annoying thing.

• 1:13:30Sam Morril?

  It is annoying.

• 1:13:31Mark Normand?

  I learned the hard way, because you, they go, we're, we're, well, you gotta 20 minute wait. And you're like, well, that table's open there. And they're like, yeah, asshole, there's not enough servers.

• 1:13:37Speaker 00

  I don't like that everything's key fobs now, in the buildings, to get anywhere.

• 1:13:41Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 1:13:42Speaker 00

  Everything, key fob here, key fob there. There, there's a level of security that I think's a little unnecessary.

• 1:13:47Mark Normand?

  You like a key?

• 1:13:48Speaker 00

  Well, it's not only that, it's like it's a doorman building, like are there people running in with knives trying to kill him?

• 1:13:52Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:53Speaker 00

  Is he gonna not notice?

• 1:13:54Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 1:13:55Speaker 00

  Like, there's just something weird about like, I don't know, the, the level of security that everything is.

• 1:13:59Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that's annoying. I will say, when you, you ever check in a hotel and they give you a hard metal key?

• 1:14:05Speaker 00

  I do hate that.

• 1:14:06Mark Normand?

  And you're like, oh, this is a bad hotel.

• 1:14:07Speaker 00

  I hate that.

• 1:14:08Mark Normand?

  And they think it's kitschy.

• 1:14:09Sam Morril?

  Although, I'll tell you, the worst one is when you check in and they give you, you're in a huge hotel for some reason, and the card keeps fucking not working.

• 1:14:15Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 1:14:16Speaker 00

  I always get, by the way, they hate me, I get a new card every time I walk in, I go, I know it's not gonna work. I go, it's been next to a-

• 1:14:22Sam Morril?

  I've done that.

• 1:14:22Speaker 00

  It's next to a credit card in my wallet, I go, I just re- redo it.

• 1:14:26Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:27Speaker 00

  I go, I'm gonna get there and then it's not gonna work.

• 1:14:29Mark Normand?

  Exactly.

• 1:14:29Sam Morril?

  Cause I hate the walk, the walk back is annoying.

• 1:14:31Mark Normand?

  We have all this, we have retina scan, we can't get a card to work? Like, what are we doing here? It's a fucking Hilton.

• 1:14:36Speaker 03

  Oh, speaking of hotels, no hand lotion in your room.

• 1:14:40Mark Normand?

  Oh, you wanna jerk it?

• 1:14:41Speaker 03

  Yes. Like, you're gonna make me go down to the front desk and be like, I need to jerk off?

• 1:14:46Speaker 00

  That's a very creepy piece, but I like, I appreciate, it's a very creepy piece.

• 1:14:48Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I mean, he looks the part for it, though.

• 1:14:50Speaker 00

  He's like, come on. He goes, no hand lotion in the room.

• 1:14:52Mark Normand?

  And there's no kiddie porn options on the TV. You know what another problem was with a hotel, and I'm not the first guy to say this, but the, uh, there's no plunger. Sometimes you're, you're on a, you're on a hot date with a, with a bang, with a gal, and you just shit up the toilet and it won't flush, and you're like, I gotta get on my hands and knees.

• 1:15:10Sam Morril?

  I was gonna go one further, I want a toilet brush. I'm on the road, I might have traveler's diarrhea.

• 1:15:14Speaker 00

  Okay, well, that's ridiculous. You're moving in, you wanna get on your hands and knees like a maid? I mean, give yourself a value, what are you, crazy? I might wanna scrape my own diarrhea off the inside of the fucking toilet? I like that job well done.

• 1:15:30Mark Normand?

  You're not living there.

• 1:15:31Sam Morril?

  You're gonna leave yourself a tip.

• 1:15:32Mark Normand?

  Just leave, leave.

• 1:15:33Sam Morril?

  This segment has not been my strong suit, I apologize.

• 1:15:37Mark Normand?

  Toilet brush, I'll get you a toilet brush for Christmas, that's your tip.

• 1:15:41Sam Morril?

  All right, well, watch Tim's new special on Netflix, we love him.

• 1:15:44Speaker 00

  It's called, it's I'm Your Mother, It's All Indians on Netflix, that's what it's called.

• 1:15:50Mark Normand?

  Woo, hey, that's a, is that John Daly?

• 1:15:52Speaker 00

  That's a shot there.

• 1:15:53Sam Morril?

  Is that the Ice House where?

• 1:15:54Speaker 00

  There's no dates, I have no dates on sale, no material, there's no dates on sale.

• 1:15:57Mark Normand?

  Well, don't you hate that? You put out a special and people go, we loved it, we wanna come see you, and you're like, I'm out of material.

• 1:16:01Speaker 00

  I have nothing, yeah, I will, I will, I will get it, this is, I'm do, I'm doing Spanish, there's me doing comedy in Spanish. Tim going shock, Spanish speaking, who runs this site, by the way?

• 1:16:11Sam Morril?

  Go to, follow Tim on Punch Up.

• 1:16:12Mark Normand?

  Who, Hilaria Baldwin? What's with the Spanish? How you talked to Baldwin, by the way?

• 1:16:18Speaker 00

  He's great.

• 1:16:19Mark Normand?

  I love him.

• 1:16:19Sam Morril?

  I see him all the time at my coffee shop.

• 1:16:21Speaker 00

  He's a great man.

• 1:16:22Mark Normand?

  I'm a fan. He looks a little on edge. I think the wife is really running him ragged, but uh...

• 1:16:27Speaker 00

  He's got a lot of kids.

• 1:16:28Sam Morril?

  We got Phoenix, oh, so here's San Francisco at the Masonic, Portland, I added a late show on Monday, so please come out. Seattle, Vancouver, Boise, Denver, and then we just added Red Bank, Boston, Irvine, OKC. Yeah, work back up, Vegas at the Venetian, is that the Venetian, I think, right?

• 1:16:50Speaker 03

  It says Piazza Theater at the Venetian Resort.

• 1:16:52Sam Morril?

  Okay, cool. Rochester, I like that club a lot, and then we got Chicago Theater, that's a big one, Chicago, October 4th. Going back to Salt Lake again to just get some reps in, and then we got Carnegie Hall, December 4th, please come out, that's a big deal for New York.

• 1:17:05Speaker 00

  My hot take, Chicago Theater, and people might disagree, I think maybe best comedy venue in the country.

• 1:17:09Sam Morril?

  I don't even think that's a hot take.

• 1:17:11Mark Normand?

  It's a great room.

• 1:17:11Sam Morril?

  Cause it's big, but it feels intimate.

• 1:17:13Speaker 00

  And it feels like a road gig, but it's the best version of the road, cause you're in a great city.

• 1:17:18Sam Morril?

  I love Chicago.

• 1:17:18Speaker 00

  That's a couple hour flight away, it's great food, great walking, great chilling, and then a great show. And the crowds, I think, are some of the most amazing.

• 1:17:27Sam Morril?

  Cause it's like, you get that city vibe, but Midwest, Midwest is really good.

• 1:17:31Speaker 00

  It's the best.

• 1:17:32Sam Morril?

  I just performed for the first time ever in Des Moines, Iowa, it was one of my favorite shows. It was fucking amazing.

• 1:17:37Speaker 00

  Midwest is great.

• 1:17:38Sam Morril?

  Midwest is, and also goddamn...

• 1:17:39Speaker 00

  And the Masonics is one of the best venues.

• 1:17:41Sam Morril?

  I've never done it, actually, so I'm fired up, dude.

• 1:17:43Speaker 00

  It's amazing, don't go outside, they'll kill you.

• 1:17:45Sam Morril?

  Don't kill me, but get a little soda, Maury.

• 1:17:47Speaker 00

  Best Chinese food in the world.

• 1:17:48Sam Morril?

  Yangtze?

• 1:17:49Speaker 00

  Uh, or any of them, I don't know him, but uh, they're all good.

• 1:17:53Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I love SF, dude, but yeah, I'm fired up, man.

• 1:17:58Mark Normand?

  Oh, that hurt.

• 1:18:00Sam Morril?

  That was a weak one.

• 1:18:01Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that was weak, sorry.

• 1:18:03Sam Morril?

  So these are Mark's dates, May 7th in Reykjavik.

• 1:18:05Mark Normand?

  Going to full UK, Reykjavik, Glasgow, I'll go to that pizza joint you mentioned, United Kingdom, London, Belfast, Birmingham, Bristol, and then back into upstate New York to get my ass kicked, and Rochester at the Kodak Center, Portchester, Albany, Burlington, Wisconsin, Massachusetts, San Jose, Ben Salem, upstate...

• 1:18:25Mark Normand?

  At the fucking Foxwoods and then off to Australia. So a lot of dates, the baby's dead. We're getting back on the road and we gotta make some money.

• 1:18:35Sam Morril?

  Also, Page the Stage.

• 1:18:36Mark Normand?

  Check out Page the Stage, folks. Episode two out now on Punch Up. And we got Seinfeld in it, Jon Stewart, Gaffigan, Bruce Springsteen. It's a hot app.

• 1:18:45Sam Morril?

  Amazing, yeah.

• 1:18:46Mark Normand?

  And Sam.

• 1:18:46Sam Morril?

  Oh, oh, hell, yeah.

• 1:18:48Mark Normand?

  Get Bodega Cat.

• 1:18:49Sam Morril?

  Yeah, bodeagacatwhiskey.com, dude. We're popping up everywhere. The new article on the wine is Wine Enthusiast.

• 1:18:54Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:18:55Sam Morril?

  That was really cool. Yeah, check that article out, really cool.

• 1:18:57Mark Normand?

  We're in all the restaurants Tim hates. So check it out. Get a bottle, get a glass, get a cocktail.

• 1:19:03Sam Morril?

  And yeah, Tim, you're the best. We love you, man.

• 1:19:05Speaker 00

  Thank you, guys.

• 1:19:06Mark Normand?

  Thank you, Tim Boe.

• 1:19:53Speaker 04

  Your sausage McMuffin with egg didn't change. Your receipt did. The sausage McMuffin with egg extra value meal includes a hash brown and a small coffee for just $5. Only at McDonald's for a limited time.

• 1:20:05Speaker 05

  Price and participation may vary. Promotion pricing may be lower than meal pricing.