David Sedaris #5

David Sedaris (Happy-Go-Lucky, A Carnival of Snackery, Calypso) is a comedian, humorist, and author. David returns to the Armchair Expert to discuss why his Picasso painting is what he would grab in a fire, what in 50 years we will see as unforgivable, and how you can have a towering hatred for someone who has no idea. David and Dax talk about the paradox of stinky, kissable money, how he schemed an off-the-rack priest outfit, and the nuance in offensiveness. David explains that there’s nothing better than a pants-shitting story, a defense of a children’s book with no lesson, and how his whole mission as a writer is to make everyone love his mother as much as he did. Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondery App or wherever you get your podcasts. Watch new content on YouTube or listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free by joining Wondery+ in the Wondery App, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify. Start your free trial by visiting wondery.com/links/armchair-expert-with-dax-shepard/ http://www.wondery.com/links/armchair-expert-with-dax-shepard/ now. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Dax Shepard?

  Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert, Experts on Expert. I'm Dan Shepard and I'm joined by Sticky Brain.

• 0:06Speaker 01

  Sticky Brain, my new nickname.

• 0:09Dax Shepard?

  Your new moniker. Heavyweight champion, returning, number five.

• 0:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:15Dax Shepard?

  Ding ding ding ding ding. Uh, David Sedaris, my God, I couldn't love someone more.

• 0:20Speaker 01

  Our most frequented guest.

• 0:23Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 0:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:24Dax Shepard?

  What an honor to have him as our most frequented guest.

• 0:26Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 0:27Dax Shepard?

  If I had to pick a most frequen- a tie between him and Mal- Malcolm Gladwell.

• 0:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, we got some good ones.

• 0:32Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, we got a couple of good repeat offenders. Um, Sedaris is a humorous comedian, an essayist, a bestselling author, a radio contributor. He's on the television on, um, one of those morning shows. He's got kind of an Andy Rooney vibe on side. I love it. His books, Happy Go Lucky, Me Talk Pretty One Day, Calypso, A Carnival of Snackery, the best titles ever.

• 0:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:55Dax Shepard?

  Dress Your Family in denim and corduroy.

• 0:58Speaker 01

  Oh, and corduroy and denim.

• 1:00Dax Shepard?

  Um, he is on a 40-city tour across the United States, starting March 30th till May 19th. Uh, including Burlington, Vermont, Albany, Philadelphia, Boston, Akron, Detroit, Fort Wayne, Dallas, Nashville, many, many more. Go to davidcedarisbooks.com to see his tour. A lot of armchairs have gone, per our suggestion, and I always hear how much they love it. He puts on a great show. I really do recommend you go see him live. There's really nothing like it.

• 1:29Speaker 01

  He's a gift.

• 1:30Dax Shepard?

  And as I've been talking about lately, we're listening to his short stories every night before bed. There's one-offs before bed. It's just, it makes me so happy. I love David Sedaris. Please enjoy. We get support from Quince.

• 1:44Speaker 01

  Okay, can we talk about the fact that the holidays are already here? It's crazy. I feel like I blinked and now we're in gifting season, which I'm not really mad about because I do love giving gifts. And Quince is making it so easy to find something great for everyone on my list, including myself. Because let's be honest, self-gifting is a love language.

• 2:04Dax Shepard?

  Quince is seriously the gift that keeps on giving. Their high-quality staples are made with premium materials. Feels like 100% Mongolian cashmere, 14 karat gold in Italian leather, full-on luxury quality at prices that won't wreck your holiday budget.

• 2:20Speaker 01

  It's the dream. The cashmere sweater, starting at $60, down jackets, wool outerwear, cashmere accessories. You and everyone on your list are staying cozy and looking incredible all season long.

• 2:31Dax Shepard?

  Well, I'm gonna tell you this, it just got chilly for the first time this year in California, and I'm so excited, and I'm wearing my Quince cashmere right now.

• 2:38Speaker 01

  It's great.

• 2:39Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, and I am going to gift this to some of my friends. I hope they're not listening.

• 2:43Speaker 01

  Quince is also more than clothing. They've got fine jewelry for your significant other, leather bags for your bestie, hotel-quality bedding to set up your guest rooms, chef-grade cookware. That's an amazing thing they offer here, and it's such a good gift because people don't like buying cookware for themselves, but it's very important. And they also have five-star luggage, another good gift that people don't like buying for themselves.

• 3:05Dax Shepard?

  Give the gift of quality this holiday season. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns, now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was Armchair Expert. It's the best way to support the show. We get support from Gusto. So here's the thing about running a small business that nobody romanticizes. It's not the big idea that wears you down, it's the payroll, the tax filings, the wait, do I need workers' comp for this stuff? That's the part that quietly eats away your whole afternoon, which is where Gusto comes in. Gusto is online payroll and benefits software built for small businesses.

• 3:50Dax Shepard?

  It's all-in-one, remote-friendly, and incredibly easy to use so you can pay onboard and support your team from anywhere. They handle automatic tax filing, direct deposits, health benefits, 401K, all of it. And you get unlimited payroll runs for one monthly price. No hidden fees, no surprises. If something tricky comes up, you've got direct access to certified HR experts who actually know what they're talking about. And they're ranked number one on G2's highest satisfaction products list for 2026, and trusted by over 500,000 small businesses. That's not nothing. Try Gusto today at gusto.com/dax and get three months free when you run your first payroll.

• 4:31Dax Shepard?

  That's three months of free payroll at gusto.com/dax. Again, that's gusto.com/dax.

• 4:57Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, my prized possessions are behind me. He was mad that the face wasn't turned out. And I said, "I don't care about fucking picture. I want the writing of this man I've idolized."

• 5:07Speaker 01

  I know, but he picks them out so specifically that I understand.

• 5:10Dax Shepard?

  Maybe I'll do a glass wall in my next house and I'll hang it. And you can choose whether you want to see.

• 5:18Speaker 02

  We went to Egypt a couple of months ago. All the postcards were bullshit. I went to Fiji, it was the same thing.

• 5:24Dax Shepard?

  I would expect that from Fiji and not from Egypt. Where is this from? No way! That's impossible timing. You just brought up being in Egypt, there being bad postcards, and then here one arrives.

• 5:35Speaker 02

  I got that in Australia, but it was Egypt and I wished I'd brought it to Egypt.

• 5:41Dax Shepard?

  You know what's so nice about this? Is that I wasn't going to bring up that I haven't gotten a postcard from you in a while, but I've thought about and noticed and been scared that I haven't got a postcard from you in a while. And I would have never brought it up, but here one has arrived. And now I don't have anything to even ruminate about. Well, I don't know. These are like private exchanges.

• 6:00Speaker 02

  It says, "It's not the first time I've cheated on Hugh."

• 6:04Dax Shepard?

  Somehow this one stings for some reason. I want to read this first by myself in my bed.

• 6:10Speaker 01

  I know, it just maybe might be fun.

• 6:11Dax Shepard?

  On the fact check.

• 6:12Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 6:13Speaker 02

  Hugh doesn't want postcards. He doesn't want me to text him. He wants letters with stamps on them.

• 6:19Speaker 01

  Okay, that's a high bar. That's a lot.

• 6:22Speaker 02

  If I'm going to like 44 cities, I have to get the letters printed out.

• 6:27Speaker 01

  That's a commitment.

• 6:28Speaker 02

  And I have a lot of stuff to do. Already.

• 6:31Speaker 01

  Of course, you're busy. That's why you're there.

• 6:34Dax Shepard?

  Okay, I'm gonna read it. Thank you. Good idea. Because there's nothing incriminating, but okay. Dear Dax, have you been to Egypt? If you like being hassled and tugged on, it's the place for you. There are a hundred million stray cats there. So it's good too if you're afraid of mice. I didn't see a single one in Australia now. Sincerely, David Sedaris. These are my, yeah, I don't want to make you uncomfortable. These are like the treasures of treasures. We had the fires. I put my journals in a huge fucking suitcase and then I grabbed this off my wall.

• 7:08Speaker 02

  We were just talking last night. We had dinner with somebody.

• 7:11Dax Shepard?

  You can name drop.

• 7:12Speaker 02

  Jennifer Jason-Leigh.

• 7:13Dax Shepard?

  Oh my goodness.

• 7:14Speaker 02

  She looked out her window and saw flames, so she had to evacuate. And she didn't grab anything. And so we were talking about what would you grab?

• 7:21Speaker 01

  Exactly. What'd you say?

• 7:23Dax Shepard?

  What did you say?

• 7:23Speaker 02

  Picasso painting, this big.

• 7:25Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 7:26Speaker 02

  Grabbable.

• 7:27Dax Shepard?

  See, I'm jealous that you have that because in all these different fears I have, like somehow I'll still end up penniless. I'm still convinced that'll happen. I would like one item that I could just put in a backpack and land somewhere and be like, okay, well, I will have rent for some time. This Picasso is gonna still be valuable.

• 7:42Speaker 02

  And you know, it's small.

• 7:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:44Speaker 02

  And I have a Franz Kline painting that isn't much bigger, so I could put that in the same tote bag.

• 7:50Dax Shepard?

  You're sad.

• 7:50Speaker 01

  Do you want to explain the value of art to Dax? Cause he has a hard time understanding it.

• 7:57Dax Shepard?

  I understand it.

• 7:58Speaker 01

  Well, you fight back against it.

• 8:00Dax Shepard?

  My argument is if you enjoy the image. I don't understand the difference between a nice print in the original work of art. Unless you're collecting it for an investment.

• 8:12Speaker 01

  Money.

• 8:12Dax Shepard?

  But like if your claim is just, I look at this and I feel a certain way. I think it's a mental trick that because it's only one of them, I feel even a more different way. Does that make sense?

• 8:21Speaker 02

  Yeah. I mean, if you told me that you had a Picasso print, I would be like, that's nice.

• 8:27Dax Shepard?

  Well, first of all, I wasn't telling you when I had one. This would just be for me to sit in a room and stare at and get whatever transcendent thing you all are claiming to get from it.

• 8:35Speaker 02

  You had a Picasso painting.

• 8:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:38Speaker 02

  I would say, oh, God, I'd love to see it. I don't usually go to museums because what they have, I can't buy it.

• 8:44Speaker 01

  Well, the vagina soap museum you went to.

• 8:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 8:48Speaker 01

  Changed our life.

• 8:49Speaker 02

  The vagina soap museum. But I went to a museum somewhere a while ago and I had time on my hands and I looked at the Picasso paintings that they had and he was such a forerunner and such a genius and the surface of those paintings was so alive. No one can touch that guy. You know, Picasso was an asshole and when you stand before his paintings.

• 9:12Speaker 01

  He's a genius.

• 9:12Speaker 02

  You don't know.

• 9:13Dax Shepard?

  Why do you have to force yourself to go through all of his worst moments?

• 9:17Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:17Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. It's interesting that it's really troubling for people with artists and art, but no one is like, guys, bad news, Einstein raped his niece, E equals MC squared, we can't touch it no more. No one has any issue with any kind of scientific breakthrough that was done by a monster. There's no moral dilemma. It's like, if this thing serves me, it's a technology I want, I don't give a fuck what the person who invented it did. Yet the art serves you. You can't really make an argument that one's more important than the other, yet there is this very arbitrary distinction we make between scientists who are pedophiles and shit and then artists that were.

• 9:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's a good point.

• 9:54Dax Shepard?

  Thank you. I wanted to land one good point today.

• 9:56Speaker 02

  But even with writers like Celine was monstrous.

• 10:00Dax Shepard?

  That's the French.

• 10:01Speaker 02

  Yeah. You can't deny his skill, you can't deny his power as a writer. Another thing is he wrote quite a while ago, so it's not like young people are flocking to read his books. But right now, we're doing something that in 50 years from now is going to be unforgivable. But we can't even imagine it. We're not even thinking, well, it's probably.

• 10:25Dax Shepard?

  I already know what it is.

• 10:26Speaker 01

  Eating animals.

• 10:27Speaker 02

  Oh, really?

• 10:27Dax Shepard?

  When I bring it up to my friends and colleagues in Los Angeles, no one wants to acknowledge this. There will be a moment where they'll look back in time and they'll go, so anyways, in LA, you know, in 2025, brown people worked and white people didn't. White people didn't cut their grass, they didn't clean their house, they didn't make their food, they didn't deliver their food, they didn't do anything. Those only brown people that did that stuff. People go, that's nuts. That's gonna happen. And when I bring that up to friends, and I'm not saying like, fire your Latina housekeeper. I'm just saying, have enough humility to say, we're engaged in it now. And they'll go, no. Well, it was a huge improvement from where my housekeeper came from. And I go, that's exactly what the slave trader said. It's the same argument.

• 11:12Speaker 02

  I think maybe fossil fuels will be part of it. Maybe eating meat will be part of it.

• 11:18Speaker 01

  I think that's gonna be a big one.

• 11:19Speaker 02

  That's the stuff we can suspect. There's things we cannot even.

• 11:23Dax Shepard?

  Truly.

• 11:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's like, they wore blue shirts. Can you believe?

• 11:26Dax Shepard?

  I think the fossil fuels will go more in the category of like, can we be able to use the smoke? They just pull smoke into their lungs and then hold it for a minute and do that several hundred times a day. It just seems stupid.

• 11:38Speaker 02

  I have a list on my computer called countries I have been to. Now, my boyfriend Hugh criticizes me because he says, I just wanna go to a place in order to cross it off my list. But yeah, it's that simple. It means a lot to me. This is what I wanna do. We went to Monte Carlo last year. So we went to this Michelin starred restaurant and our food just arrived and three men at the next table lit cigars. And then two men at the other table, on the other side of us said, oh, we can smoke cigars. And then the waiter came and said, how's your meal? And I said, well, now that you mention it, it tastes like ashtrays. And he said, well, we can't say anything. And they couldn't say anything because people were so rich. The people smoking the cigars at the next table, it's like, well, we've finished our meal. So the important people in the evening. And I said, can I burn a tire at the table?

• 12:23Dax Shepard?

  Right, right.

• 12:25Speaker 02

  That's what I would like to do. I've got a little money.

• 12:27Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 12:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:28Dax Shepard?

  A little inner tube, a little model glue, set it ablaze. I thought maybe the server was gonna come back and light up a cigar.

• 12:35Speaker 02

  To think that, as you see, it's be normal.

• 12:37Dax Shepard?

  Oh, yeah, yeah. I smoked on an airplane on a flight to Germany when I was 16.

• 12:41Speaker 02

  I woke up in the middle of the night and I'm just wondering.

• 12:44Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 12:44Speaker 02

  Was there a time when you couldn't order a drink on an airplane because it was a Sunday?

• 12:49Speaker 01

  Oh, that's a great question.

• 12:52Speaker 02

  Or let's say if you were flying over North Carolina, would they say, you gotta finish your drinks in like a minute because you're flying over North Carolina? Sell liquor on Sunday in North Carolina.

• 13:01Speaker 01

  I wonder it might have to do with the hub of the plane. Delta is an Atlanta plane and I think you can drink there now on Sundays or buy liquor. But at one point you couldn't, so maybe you wouldn't be able to on that plane. But on United you could.

• 13:15Dax Shepard?

  What if you're taking a red eye, David, and you left New York at 1:45 a.m. And then you could have one drink, then it was two, but soon as you got to Chicago, all of a sudden it was 1:46 again and everyone got to have a round. And then you just chased the time change for the 2 a.m. cutoff. Although I guess in New York it's 4 a.m. That scenario would work great leaving Detroit because it's 2 a.m.

• 13:35Speaker 02

  One of the things you don't count on when you write is you're dated so quickly. Even if you write something about people not having exact change for the flight attendant. Because there was a kind of man who would get on a plane and buy a drink with a $20 bill. And he knew the flight attendant wouldn't have change. Whereas my mother always taught me, if you have a $20 bill, buy a newspaper, buy some gum, buy something in the airport.

• 14:00Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 14:01Speaker 02

  So you can have correct change when you order a drink.

• 14:04Dax Shepard?

  Because they would not give you change.

• 14:06Speaker 02

  Well, they would, but it's a pain in the ass.

• 14:08Dax Shepard?

  Oh, it's just a kindness.

• 14:10Speaker 02

  Yeah, if everybody pays with the 20, the flight attendant's like, fuck. And then the flight attendant used to go down the aisle saying, does anybody have any change for us?

• 14:18Dax Shepard?

  Right. Do you feel very protective of flight attendants? Because I do. Monica saw me get into it with a first class customer that was sitting in front of us. In rapid order, he was at the bulkhead and he had his bag in front of his feet. There's nobody that doesn't know you can't have your bag there, right? So they ask him to put it away. Oh, yeah, I'll get to it. And then he doesn't. And then they come down, they really need to take off. So we really need you to put the, oh, I thought I could get it by you. No, you can't. So I'm flagging him. We're right behind him. I'm like, I don't like this guy and I'm going to pay attention to everything he does. So then the next thing was she came to say, have you made a selection for lunch? He said, what are the options? She said, the menu's right next to you. Well, just tell me the options. We have a short rib and we have a chicken breast.

• 14:59Speaker 01

  No, she said chicken.

• 15:00Dax Shepard?

  Chicken.

• 15:01Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 15:01Dax Shepard?

  It was a chicken thigh. And he said, is that white meat or dark meat? And I wanted to go like, how could you have gotten to 56 years old and not know thigh is fucking dark meat? Why are you making this woman? So then. I needed to pee. He had gotten up to pee. I'm sitting on the armrest. Clearly, I want everyone behind me to know, don't get up. I've claimed that I'm next. So when he exits, he sees I'm in the waiting position to go in. So he gets to his seat, which is one row in front of us, and then he decides to like, open up the thing. He's just kind of looking around. He's not even grabbing his bag. He's just blocking it. And then, like a hockey player, I just fucking ran through him and shoulder checked him into the seat. Do you like the ending of that story, Monica?

• 15:44Speaker 01

  There's more. No, that's not the end of the story.

• 15:47Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 15:48Speaker 01

  There's an important piece to this, which all that happens, Dex, is being very aggressive. And look, I hate that guy. That's annoying that he's behaving that way. But I'm more concerned about his behavior than I am about this stranger.

• 16:00Dax Shepard?

  Because I represent you.

• 16:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, and you know better. Why cause even more chaos?

• 16:05Dax Shepard?

  Because someone needs to smack this guy on the nose. That's why. That's very simply why.

• 16:08Speaker 01

  Anywho, so then he causes this ruckus. He sits down. And a few minutes later, the guy turns around. We were at South by Southwest. Dex posted a panel. This guy turns around, "Hey, I saw you last night doing the panel. You were so great." Like, he was so nice to him.

• 16:26Dax Shepard?

  You're gonna like the end of this story, actually.

• 16:28Speaker 01

  Worse, then we had to Google who he was.

• 16:31Dax Shepard?

  I was like, oh, no, he was at that panel. We are just signing to deal with Amazon. That was an Amazon movie. Did I just fucking shove one of our new bosses? Now I'm staring through the gap. When he lifts up his laptop to do some work, thank God, it says his full name on this sign-in for his password. And then the second we land, I open it up and I find out, I was like, oh, he's just a fucking lawyer. I knew it. He was like a lawyer representing one of the actors that was on the panel.

• 16:58Speaker 02

  It's so funny, though, how you can be on a plane and have a towering hatred for somebody, and they have no idea.

• 17:06Dax Shepard?

  I would have given anything to fight him in a parking lot. That's how mad I was at how he was treating this flight attendant.

• 17:11Speaker 02

  I was in Australia a couple of weeks ago. They made an announcement. They said the flight to Tasmania is full. So we're asking you to gate check your bag. If you don't care to and you want to bring your bag on the plane, you'll soon find yourself in a situation where there's no room for your bag. We will gladly send it on the four o'clock flight. So that's a way to do it.

• 17:32Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 17:33Speaker 02

  I just had a knapsack and I had something else under my seat. And I have my knapsack in the overhead bin. So he puts his bag in there and he's pounding on it. It won't go in all the way because of my knapsack.

• 17:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:42Speaker 02

  And I said, I think it won't go in there because of my knapsack. So he pulls my knapsack out and puts his bag in and says, what do you want me to do with this now?

• 17:49Dax Shepard?

  No, he didn't.

• 17:49Speaker 01

  Stop it.

• 17:50Speaker 02

  I said, just go. And I was in first class. I said, just wherever you are back there.

• 17:58Speaker 02

  Just go.

• 17:58Speaker 01

  Just keep on walking. Oh, my God. That is so crazy, though.

• 18:04Dax Shepard?

  Did he get shoulder checked?

• 18:06Speaker 01

  He doesn't need to get shoulder checked.

• 18:08Dax Shepard?

  What needs to happen to him?

• 18:09Speaker 01

  You say, put it back, please.

• 18:11Dax Shepard?

  Okay. And he goes, eat this ass.

• 18:15Speaker 02

  I saw a flight attendant once. A guy was pounding on a bag to get it in. The flight attendant turned to me and said, I just thank God it's not a living thing.

• 18:25Speaker 02

  But I had a towering hatred of a flight attendant.

• 18:28Speaker 01

  Ooh.

• 18:28Dax Shepard?

  That can happen to you.

• 18:30Speaker 02

  He was standing right at the door of the plane. And he said, can I get you something to drink, young man? And so I just ignored him. And he said, young man? And I ignored him. And he said, young man? And I said, I'm not young. Why don't you just say, old man? Because that's what you mean.

• 18:44Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 18:45Speaker 02

  That's his charm.

• 18:46Dax Shepard?

  He's going to flatter you if you want to hear that you're young.

• 18:49Speaker 02

  You see it a lot with bellmen at hotels, too. Can I help you with that bag, young man?

• 18:55Dax Shepard?

  He feels patronizing.

• 18:56Speaker 02

  And they say it to women more.

• 18:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:57Speaker 02

  They'll say it to like a twisted stick figure with a walker. Hi, young lady. And she's supposed to say, he thinks I'm young.

• 19:05Speaker 01

  Right.

• 19:08Dax Shepard?

  She waddles off.

• 19:10Speaker 02

  Here's my new thing.

• 19:11Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 19:12Speaker 02

  And again, I go on these tours and that's why I'm traveling and somebody else is paying for my ticket and I'll admit it, I'm in first class. Already you're thinking, you don't have that much to complain about. Look, you're in first class. But the flight attendant kneels and looks at the manifest and says, Mr. David, what would you like? And I'll say now, oh, can I see the manifest for a second? I say, see, it says David Sedaris. I said, David is my first name. My last name is Sedaris. So I'd be Mr. Sedaris. Cause they don't want to take a chance on pronouncing your last name. So they just call you whatever your first name is. That's just laziness. Part of my job, when I sit down and write books, is to pronounce people's names when they put them in front of me on a post-it note. And I pride myself on it. You know those Irish names?

• 19:56Speaker 02

  Someone said, oh, those Irish names, they always look like a wifi password.

• 20:00Dax Shepard?

  Oh, yeah, yeah. Do they have some symbols above their alphabet too? They play with?

• 20:05Speaker 02

  And those can be hard, but if you worked at the airport or something, you'd get them after a while. Chinese names, you'd get them if you took an interest and asked people and you would say yes, whenever you were right about them. So I just object to the laziness.

• 20:19Dax Shepard?

  My childhood friend who's just out, Ken Kennedy.

• 20:21Speaker 02

  Ken Kennedy, that's really nice.

• 20:23Dax Shepard?

  I've used his name in many movies if I have to improv because it has such a great alliteration. So Ken Kennedy, he lived in Novi, Michigan and he grew up on Buckminster Way. And one night he was coming home from work and he got pulled over by a cop and the cop came up to the window, license and registration, looks at us and goes, you have any idea why I pulled you over tonight, Mr. Buckminster? He saw his street name and thought his name was Buckminster. Like really tried to hand it to him. It was a big mistake. It was a street name.

• 20:53Speaker 02

  Buckminster's my first name. My last name is Street.

• 20:55Dax Shepard?

  He's from Novi, Michigan.

• 20:58Speaker 02

  It was interesting, when I was in Australia, not a single person waiting for me at the baggage claim to take me into town said, "How was your flight?" Which I hate. If you ask me how my flight was, you're just dead to me. And I've said to people before, "That's such a bad icebreaker." I know, then why do you-

• 21:15Dax Shepard?

  You just call that out?

• 21:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, at a hotel, not a single person said, "Welcome in. How are your travels?"

• 21:20Dax Shepard?

  Right.

• 21:21Speaker 02

  They would say instead, "Gosh, that suitcase. How did the wheels work on that? Are those good wheels on the suitcase?" You know, the actual question.

• 21:28Dax Shepard?

  Something specific that you could actually answer.

• 21:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, it never felt gimmicky.

• 21:32Speaker 01

  You don't like platitudes.

• 21:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, it just felt more genuine. But like, a corporate personality is no personality.

• 21:40Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just like getting through every single thing.

• 21:43Speaker 01

  But do you think everyone has to have a personality that you interact with?

• 21:46Speaker 02

  No, I'm not opposed to it.

• 21:48Dax Shepard?

  It's preferable, right?

• 21:51Speaker 02

  I like it if I'm going to the security check at the airport and that person has a personality.

• 21:57Dax Shepard?

  Me too.

• 21:58Speaker 02

  Love that. TSA guy, personality, love that. Everybody, I'm happy.

• 22:03Dax Shepard?

  You know who I don't want to have a personality is the pilot. Sometimes you're on a Southwest flight and they kind of pride themselves on that they make jokes. That's not who I want making jokes.

• 22:14Speaker 02

  But I was on tour in the fall and I went to Chicago and I was checked in by a woman with Down syndrome.

• 22:20Dax Shepard?

  At a hotel or at the airport?

• 22:22Speaker 02

  At the airport. She checked me in for my flight and she had a very hard time pronouncing the name of the city I was going to, but it was a difficult name. And a lot of times, if you have Down syndrome, your tongue is kind of thick, so it can be hard to say. So I had to ask twice, but I thought, wow, why haven't I seen this before? And then I started thinking, they should hire a guy with Down syndrome, or it could be a woman, dressed in a pilot's uniform to stand at the front of the plane at the beginning of every flight and say, "We'll be flying over South Dakota." And then all the people who get off the plane immediately would be the right people. And then we could just take off.

• 22:55Dax Shepard?

  And they would be the right people.

• 22:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, just hire people with Down syndrome to pretend they were the pilots. Yeah.

• 23:01Dax Shepard?

  And you think that's like a test of

• 23:03Speaker 02

  It just weeds out the riffraff.

• 23:06Dax Shepard?

  That's interesting because I don't want to get political, but when I was sounding the alarm a year ago going, guys, Biden, he's too old. We must have another option. And people were offended by that. My analogy was if you got on an airplane and Biden came out of the cockpit and was like, you know, you would get the fuck off. And isn't running this huge country more important than flying one airplane? I thought that was a good analogy.

• 23:32Speaker 02

  It was.

• 23:32Dax Shepard?

  Thank you so much. It's probably tied with your dumb syndrome analogy.

• 23:36Speaker 02

  It bothered me when people took that and said, well, you're just being ageist. And it's like, no, there are people his age who are vital. He's not vital. And you would just be on the edge of your seat. It's like having your kid in the school play. You're so afraid they're gonna fuck up every time he opened his mouth. It was just anxiety.

• 23:54Dax Shepard?

  People are like, do you watch the debate? And I'm like, no, no, I would never watch that. I don't want to see like on YouTube years ago, bum fighting, right? They pay two homeless guys to fight. I don't want to see that.

• 24:04Speaker 02

  I never heard of that.

• 24:05Dax Shepard?

  You haven't heard of bum fighting? Oh, it's so nasty.

• 24:08Speaker 02

  I was in the Philippines a couple of years ago and I was on a television show called Wow Wow Weed. Like they invited me to be on this show. People there are so desperately poor and people would wait in line for days to get in. You give the host money. So he gets a fistful of money. And he says, I've got a hundred dollars here for the craziest dancer. And then they'll be like people in their eighties, like breakdancing, really humiliating themselves in order to get the money. And it was like, I didn't know the show was gonna be like this.

• 24:36Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. What did you do? Every now and then you're on a show and it goes somewhere and you're like, fuck, I'm just standing now in this situation.

• 24:45Speaker 02

  I was just brought on and then I gave money to the host to give away. And then

• 24:52Speaker 02

  I saw what was happening and it was like bum fighting.

• 24:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, it is a version of that.

• 24:58Speaker 02

  That seems like it would be in the Bible under things not to do.

• 25:02Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, there should be some mention of bum fighting if you look that word up in the dictionary. Is that the word? Exploitative?

• 25:09Speaker 02

  Okay, but is this just as bad? So I was in Pakistan. This man came up and he was begging for money. And I said, I will buy your shawl. Then he was like, oh, I'll give you the shawl. And he was trying to give it to me. Cause that's what people are like there. If you say to somebody, I like your glasses, they give you. And I'm like, no. Luckily there was someone who could translate. And I said, you want money from me and I want something from you. So I pay you. I mean, the money I was paying him for his shawl was like 50 times what the shawl was.

• 25:41Speaker 01

  You were just making it a transaction.

• 25:43Speaker 02

  But he wanted to give me the shawl. And I was thinking, it's nicer for you if it's a transaction too. Cause you're not begging me for anything. I'm just a customer buying. Anyway, we finally made that understood. And then we went over here and then we came back and he already had a new shawl on and he was modeling it. And then I was like, I want that one too. Everything just looked better on him.

• 26:07Dax Shepard?

  You just wanted to have his frame.

• 26:08Speaker 01

  He was just a good model. Oh my God, that is so.

• 26:12Dax Shepard?

  I have a similar situation and really who it bit the most in the house was Kristen, which was, I was in Italy and I have a good relationship with Ducati. I got to tour the factory where they make the motorcycles in Bologna. And the tour was given to me by this very, very nice man who did not speak nearly any English. And he had a very cool vintage Ducati leather jacket on. And I had mentioned two or three times how awesome his jacket was. And at the end, he took off the jacket and he tried to give it to me. And I was like, oh, no, no, I absolutely cannot accept this vintage jacket. I was successful in not taking the jacket, but I was so moved by this gesture. He said, I'm going to Los Angeles. And I was like, you must stay with us.

• 26:59Dax Shepard?

  I was really panicked because the gesture was so nice. And he fucking did. This man came for a week at our old house and I was working the whole week, shooting a show and Kristen wasn't working. There was just an Italian man in our house that spoke almost no English.

• 27:12Speaker 01

  You should have taken the jacket at that point.

• 27:16Dax Shepard?

  Jacket when you come.

• 27:18Speaker 02

  That would have been fair.

• 27:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly.

• 27:21Dax Shepard?

  I regret not taking the jacket after he was there, day seven.

• 27:25Speaker 02

  I went to Australia with my friend Dawn. Her dad had a music store and he would get a lot of letters from prisoners. Oh, can you send me some guitar strings? And he was a lovely man, Dawn's father. So people would get out of prison and they wouldn't have any place to go. And so Dawn would be at home alone.

• 27:41Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 27:42Speaker 02

  With someone who'd just gotten out of prison. Stole from her jewelry box.

• 27:46Speaker 01

  Oh, fuck. Sometimes kindness can really bite you.

• 27:50Dax Shepard?

  Take a bad fire.

• 27:51Speaker 01

  I mean, it really can. Actually, this is interesting when you're talking about the shawl. For us, it's humiliating for him to just give you something and then you're giving money. But is it humiliating objectively? Not really, right? If they want the thing.

• 28:05Dax Shepard?

  Oh, yeah.

• 28:06Speaker 01

  Emotionally, it feels horrible to watch it, but also they don't feel horrible.

• 28:11Speaker 02

  When I was in Australia a few weeks ago, there was a hotel that had a notice on the desk. It said, "We are cash free." And then it said, "Money can contain 163 bacterias," something like that. And then they had written, "We charge a X fee for using a credit card."

• 28:25Dax Shepard?

  No.

• 28:26Speaker 02

  Yeah. Anyway, when I was in Egypt, there was this kid selling big balloons. And they weren't inflated, but you'd inflate them yourself. They were just big. I thought, oh, they'd be good to give away to people at a book signing or something. So I bought all the ones that he had and I gave him money. And he kissed the money. And the money there, you have to have a big stack of it. Like a hundred dollars would be such a big stack of money, you could barely close your wallet. And it really stinks. Like the money really stinks.

• 28:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:55Speaker 02

  And here was this kid kissing it. And this other place won't even take it.

• 28:59Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 29:00Dax Shepard?

  Right.

• 29:00Speaker 02

  And they don't know what stinky money is. Like Australian money is that plasticky money you could put in the dishwasher if you wanted to? And it would come out fine?

• 29:08Speaker 01

  Yeah. I guess nothing's objective, really.

• 29:11Dax Shepard?

  Were you doing readings in Australia?

• 29:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:13Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so you two are worldwide?

• 29:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:16Dax Shepard?

  What are some of the countries? Australia.

• 29:18Speaker 02

  I went to England and did something and then I went to Australia and that was just a vacation. And then I went to New Zealand and then I went to Australia and then I went to Fiji. But that was just a vacation. And then I went to Hawaii and that was for work.

• 29:33Dax Shepard?

  But everyone used that as vacation.

• 29:35Speaker 02

  When I was in Hawaii, someone told me I was in Hilo on the big island.

• 29:38Speaker 01

  Oh, okay.

• 29:40Speaker 02

  Someone said, oh, there was a woman who recently had a baby on the ground. She just stopped, the baby came out of her and then she kept walking. The baby was being dragged by its umbilical cord.

• 29:51Speaker 01

  What? No!

• 29:52Speaker 02

  That's what I said and they said, no, it happened in front of Pineapples Restaurant. Lots of people saw it. And I said, what was the baby's drag name?

• 30:03Speaker 02

  And they said, it was her 11th child.

• 30:06Dax Shepard?

  And she just kept walking.

• 30:08Speaker 02

  But you know what? If you were 11, you might be like, eh.

• 30:12Speaker 01

  It's fine.

• 30:12Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not in a position to judge. I haven't had 11.

• 30:15Speaker 01

  God.

• 30:16Dax Shepard?

  I want an update from you. Where are you at on your smile journey? Cause we've kind of caught you throughout your progress. You had gotten all your teeth fixed, but you were telling us that even though they're fixed, you still just have this muscle memory where you hate to smile.

• 30:28Speaker 02

  I don't do it in front of the mirror. I still can't look at my teeth. I had to go to the dentist the other day and she held up the mirror and I'm like, have we not been through this? I can't look.

• 30:39Dax Shepard?

  You don't ever want to see those.

• 30:41Speaker 02

  During the pandemic, I got those Invisaligns. Cause I had massive gaps. I was at a nice hotel checking in. I would feel them thinking, you don't belong here. It's shocking not to feel that way. Like no one's ever said to me, you have beautiful eyes. Just no one's ever said it to me, right? I don't know what that's like to have beautiful eyes, but I'm fine with that.

• 31:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:01Speaker 02

  But nobody ever said, oh, you have such a nice smile. And then somebody said it to me after I got my teeth fixed and I thought, I never in my life thought I would ever hear that from anyone.

• 31:12Speaker 01

  Did it feel good or did it feel like a cheat?

• 31:14Speaker 02

  You know, there are women who have magnificent breasts.

• 31:17Speaker 01

  Me.

• 31:18Speaker 02

  Just born with magnificent breasts.

• 31:20Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 31:20Speaker 02

  And then I think if somebody else and has a maid, you know what? This is a better analogy. I don't know that I still have them, but I used to have magnificent calves. They were like Popeye's arms, like bowling balls. And then people started getting calf implants.

• 31:35Speaker 01

  Right.

• 31:37Speaker 02

  And it's like, I have big calves because I'm short. It's something you get as a bonus. And because I walk so much and you just paid to have your big calves. But ultimately, I don't really care.

• 31:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, this is the Ozempic conversation for a lot of people.

• 31:54Speaker 02

  I was picking up trash in England and I found a strap on penis. It was like an inch and a half long.

• 32:00Speaker 01

  Wow, they sell that.

• 32:02Speaker 02

  And I thought, who are you gonna fuck, a cabbage patch dog?

• 32:09Speaker 01

  There's a kink for everything. Wow.

• 32:13Dax Shepard?

  Maybe they were in love. I gotta pick the right species that would be smart enough to be consenting. Like, maybe they were in love with a small chimpanzee and they wanted to consummate the relationship. We've talked about this a lot. Like, is there an animal that's morally fine to be in love with? And we've concluded that female humans can guilt-free date male dolphins. Because male dolphins are so horny. They constantly are getting caught trying to fuck the people they're swimming with. They're perverts. And there's these scientists that studied them and the dolphins fucked some of the scientists. We don't think it's right for a male human to fuck a female dolphin. But vice versa is totally fine with us. What's your verdict on that?

• 32:52Speaker 02

  Gosh.

• 32:53Dax Shepard?

  Because bonobo chimps are famously very horny. So I think I'd be fine with a male bonobo chimp dating a female.

• 32:59Speaker 02

  No, I'd be better with a water creature. It would just be more sanitary, I guess.

• 33:04Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 33:05Speaker 01

  But ethically.

• 33:06Dax Shepard?

  It's more an ethics question.

• 33:10Dax Shepard?

  Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare. This episode is brought to you by McDonald's. The Quarter Pounder with Cheese with Medium Fries and a Drink is now $8.

• 33:26Speaker 01

  What?

• 33:27Dax Shepard?

  Okay, I need to talk about something that doesn't get enough respect. The Quarter Pounder with Cheese. This is not a casual burger. This is a crafted burger. We're talking- 100% fresh beef cooked right when you order it. No artificial flavors, no fillers, no preservatives. Just beef doing what beef is supposed to do. And here's a detail I love. There's a cowbell sound in the kitchen. When somebody orders a quarter pounder with cheese, a cowbell goes off and the grill master throws a fresh patty down. That's like having your own entrance music at McDonald's. I want a cowbell for everything in life. The onions are hand topped by someone who just knows the right amount. Two slices of cheese laid out in a star pattern. So every single bite gets cheese and two pickles side by side. So you're never in a pickle desert.

• 34:11Dax Shepard?

  Every bite is accounted for. Someone engineered this thing with love. I love a quarter.

• 34:17Speaker 01

  Me too. That's my order. It's a quarter pounder with cheese. I love it. I didn't know they put so much effort that they did a star formation. I should have known because you can taste.

• 34:29Dax Shepard?

  You can taste it. Yeah. The love. Don't tell anyone this, but I'll put two of them back.

• 34:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm not surprised.

• 34:35Dax Shepard?

  The quarter pounder with cheese with fries and a drink. Now $8 for a limited time only, only at McDonald's. For a limited time only, prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska, and California and for delivery. Fresh beef not available in Alaska and Hawaii. Offer not valid for delivery. We get support from no bull. The holidays can get hectic. You finally hit a post summer routine and suddenly you're on hosting duty every week.

• 35:01Speaker 01

  That's when you really need to ground yourself.

• 35:04Dax Shepard?

  Exactly. And that's why I keep my training routine through the holidays. It's the whole no bull idea. There's a no bullshit training brand built around consistency, honesty, and just putting in the work. It's not about adding more pressure to an already packed schedule. It's about having the gear and the habits to move through the season your way. My personal favorite, all three of the shoes are fantastic. The Outwork, the Outwork Flex and the Drive Two. I like the Drive Two because it's a hybrid and I lift, of course, but I also like to do what's called box jumps. Right? I do a lot of jumping onto a little platform and I want a little more flexibility. And boy, do they deliver.

• 35:41Speaker 01

  And if you're a cardio person and you're running and you also need to be lifting.

• 35:45Dax Shepard?

  Style is banging. I don't know what to say. Beautiful style, very breathable, very, very comfortable. Lots of support. They were built for lifting.

• 35:53Speaker 01

  They also make a great holiday gift. You know, I love gifting, a purposeful one that actually supports someone's goals and routines, and it's not a gift that just ends up in the back of the closet.

• 36:02Dax Shepard?

  Stay stronger than the season. Head to nobolproject.com all holiday season to shop new deals every week. This episode is supported by Helix.

• 36:13Speaker 01

  Okay, can we talk about how November is basically survival mode between the holidays, the travel, the hosting, the cooking, the everything. Sleep is the one thing keeping me from completely unraveling.

• 36:24Dax Shepard?

  It really is the foundation, and I think people underestimate how much a bad mattress is quietly ruining their day. You wake up stiff, your back's angry, you're already behind before your feet hit the floor.

• 36:35Speaker 01

  That was me before Helix. I took their sleep quiz, which is so fast. It took me like two minutes, and they matched me to a mattress that actually fits how I sleep. Not a guess, not a firm or soft coin flip. It's a real match. I have a midnight mattress, and I really like it. I was noticing it because I actually had to sleep in one of my other beds recently that doesn't have a Helix mattress on it, and I really could tell a big difference in my sleep.

• 36:58Dax Shepard?

  Temperature was all over the map.

• 36:59Speaker 01

  It was a mess. I need a new one.

• 37:01Dax Shepard?

  Look, they've got over 20 mattress models, so whether you sleep hot, need extra back support, or you've got a partner who moves around all night, there's one built for you. Plus free shipping and a 365 night happy with Helix guarantee. That's a full year to decide.

• 37:15Speaker 01

  Helix has been named the most awarded mattress by Forbes, Wired, and more. So it's not just us being enthusiastic. The experts agree.

• 37:22Dax Shepard?

  Right now, Helix is running their Black Friday sale with up to 30% off. Go to helixsleep.com/armchair for up to 30% off your Helix mattress. That's helixsleep.com/armchair for up to 30% off your Helix mattress. Helixsleep.com/armchair.

• 37:40Dax Shepard?

  This episode is brought to you by Dell. Gifts mean more when they have the power to give more. They can inspire more discovery, give more confidence and unwrap more of who you are. This Black Friday, give a gift that goes beyond the box. The Dell XPS 13 laptop. With a beautiful design and cutting edge performance, it helps you unlock more possibilities. It's the thinnest, lightest XPS laptop yet. With touchscreen, a backlit keyboard and long lasting battery life to power you through your day. Built with a durable aluminum chassis, weighing just 2.2 pounds and Intel Core processors. It's fast, reliable and portable enough to keep up wherever you go. Visit dell.com to explore the possibilities of XPS.

• 38:25Dax Shepard?

  While shopping, you'll also find great perks like Dell Rewards. Fast free shipping, premium support and financing with flexible payment options. Plus, you can find great deals on monitors and accessories. That means you can score a whole new setup now for less. This Black Friday sale is one you don't want to miss. Head to dell.com/deals. That's dell.com/deals.

• 38:58Speaker 02

  A friend recently showed me a YouTube video and it was Spanish feminists protesting the rape of chickens. And I thought, oh, who would be so low as to rape a chicken? They meant roosters.

• 39:11Speaker 01

  The roosters were raping the chicken.

• 39:13Speaker 02

  And then their point was that if you have free range chickens and a rooster starts raping, the chicken can run away or something, but if they're in closed captivity, the chicken doesn't have any. And then I thought, okay.

• 39:27Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, that's fine.

• 39:27Speaker 01

  That does have some backing behind it, I guess.

• 39:30Speaker 02

  A female snapping turtle has no peace. The male is just constantly on top of her.

• 39:35Dax Shepard?

  I'm getting hands too.

• 39:36Speaker 02

  But at least they can try to swim away or try to escape in a way that they couldn't if they were.

• 39:42Dax Shepard?

  They also must be master disassociators because they can just literally leave the world and go inside their shell. You know, they can really disassociate, quite literally. I read the hem of his garment this morning, which is phenomenal. It was in The New Yorker, September, I guess of last year. That's a pretty crazy story. We tell Monica that you got invited to go meet the Pope.

• 40:03Speaker 02

  The Pope wanted to meet with humorists and comedians from around the world.

• 40:07Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 40:08Speaker 02

  So I was just minding my own business and then I got an email. I guess it had been sent earlier, but it didn't get to me and it said after tomorrow, you're invited to meet the Pope. And I was in England, so it was an easy flight.

• 40:19Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 40:20Speaker 02

  So anyway, I thought, I'm not a Catholic and I honestly don't care about the Pope, but I thought it's a once in a lifetime opportunity. I'd be dumb not to do it. So I went and I met the Pope.

• 40:30Dax Shepard?

  There was a hundred of you invited?

• 40:31Speaker 02

  Yeah. When I came back, I was like, I met Chris Rock, because he was one of the people.

• 40:36Speaker 01

  Oh, wow.

• 40:36Speaker 02

  That to me was more like, oh my God, I can't believe I met Chris Rock.

• 40:40Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, you listed every comedian that was invited virtually in the article and you're like, each one of those people I would want to hang out with for sure and meet more than the Pope.

• 40:49Speaker 01

  Right.

• 40:49Dax Shepard?

  But they're gonna be there, so this is kind of a fast pass to meet all these other people I would.

• 40:54Speaker 02

  Most of the comedians were Italian, but they were from all over the world. I met this one woman from Switzerland. There was an Italian woman. She was the only person to speak and I'd met her before, very well-known Italian comedian. And when I met her, she had just adopted two teenagers from Romania.

• 41:13Speaker 01

  Oh, wow.

• 41:13Dax Shepard?

  Teenagers?

• 41:14Speaker 02

  They were taking her cancelled checks and selling them because they had her autograph on them.

• 41:20Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 41:21Speaker 02

  They were gypsies. And then she thought it was the funniest thing in the world. Anyway, so I asked about the kids and, oh, they're doing great.

• 41:27Dax Shepard?

  Oh, they're great. They're in jail.

• 41:28Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:29Dax Shepard?

  I see them once a month.

• 41:30Speaker 02

  Everything worked out. So we just went. The Pope read something to us.

• 41:34Dax Shepard?

  That's what I don't understand. I would presume if I were you, oh, he wants to have some kind of dialogue.

• 41:39Speaker 02

  Right.

• 41:40Dax Shepard?

  As you said in the article, yeah. Why have you guys all come? And then he sits in a chair and then this woman makes a speech and then that's that? What was gained from this?

• 41:49Speaker 02

  She made a speech. It was like 45 seconds long.

• 41:52Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 41:52Speaker 02

  And then he read a speech and it was in Italian.

• 41:56Dax Shepard?

  Did anyone ever translate it to you?

• 41:58Speaker 02

  Yeah, they gave us a copy of it. He could have said, laughter makes the world go round, is essentially what he said.

• 42:04Speaker 01

  Oh, so he was thanking you guys, sort of.

• 42:07Dax Shepard?

  It sounds more like he was acknowledging your contribution to the planet?

• 42:10Speaker 02

  No, he was just saying like, oh, it helps to laugh.

• 42:14Dax Shepard?

  Why don't you all fly here so I can tell you?

• 42:16Speaker 02

  God would like us to laugh and laughing's okay.

• 42:18Speaker 01

  He's a progressive pope, right? That's a whole thing.

• 42:21Dax Shepard?

  But he had said faggotry twice in the three weeks preceding David's arrival. He said it in Italian, but it translates to faggotry.

• 42:30Speaker 02

  But he was saying there was too much faggotry in the seminar, which I thought was just funny. And then he apologized and then he said it again.

• 42:38Speaker 01

  Oh my God. Oh my God.

• 42:40Speaker 02

  He's 86.

• 42:41Speaker 01

  He is.

• 42:41Speaker 02

  And there were people, I can't believe you went and I would have boycotted, I wouldn't have gone. He said faggotry, but the pope cannot perform a gay marriage. But he was blessing gay couples about to be married. He's a very progressive guy for a pope.

• 42:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 42:55Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 42:56Speaker 02

  He sat there and we all met him.

• 42:58Dax Shepard?

  You shook his hand. Friends of yours had advised you should kiss his ring. Then others said, no, you don't. He actually doesn't like getting his ring kissed.

• 43:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, this one doesn't like getting his ring kissed.

• 43:07Dax Shepard?

  Did you watch Conclave?

• 43:08Speaker 02

  Loved it.

• 43:08Speaker 01

  It's so good.

• 43:10Dax Shepard?

  But you must have had a particular interest having just been there and experiencing that.

• 43:14Speaker 02

  Did you cry when you watched Conclave?

• 43:15Dax Shepard?

  I didn't cry. Did you?

• 43:17Speaker 02

  I cried when the guy from South America spoke in Spanish. He starts off speaking English and then it moves into Spanish. What he said was so beautiful and the Spanish was so beautiful. And his face, I'm not a religious person and I'm not a Christian, but I thought, I'll follow you.

• 43:37Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 43:37Speaker 02

  And what he said was that the church is not the past. He said the church is what happens next. I don't even know what it means, but.

• 43:44Dax Shepard?

  Right. It's like a great song, you don't know the lyrics to, but you're favorite.

• 43:48Speaker 02

  Tears to my eyes. And I saw it and I rented it. And then I played that again and again and again and again and again and again. I loved it.

• 43:55Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I did too.

• 43:56Speaker 02

  The clothes in that movie, I mean, come on, they are remarkable.

• 43:59Dax Shepard?

  Well, that's where the story goes.

• 44:02Speaker 02

  Well, because there were 100 people there and you figured every single one of them was going to put it into a routine. So what would my take be? And my take was the clothes. And I went to a place that's been dressing the pope.

• 44:15Dax Shepard?

  Well, before you get to there, I need to know, are you off the dome that knowledgeable about all those articles of clothes? Or do you yourself have to do some research when you write that piece?

• 44:26Speaker 02

  I looked up the names of things because I didn't know those.

• 44:29Dax Shepard?

  And they're inherently interesting, those names. Like, they're words I've never heard. So I'm like, oh, I'm intrigued by this.

• 44:34Speaker 02

  Like, uh, cassock, that's pretty simple. But the sash is called a facia.

• 44:39Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 44:40Speaker 02

  I like it when I read something and there's technical language in there.

• 44:43Dax Shepard?

  Me too.

• 44:43Speaker 02

  Like, not too much, but just some of it. I was trying to describe the clothing as well. And then I went to a place that's been dressing the Pope for 300 years. And I thought they wouldn't sell to a layman.

• 44:54Dax Shepard?

  And you went with Julie?

• 44:55Speaker 02

  Julie Louis-Dreyfus.

• 44:55Dax Shepard?

  Julie Louis-Dreyfus. What could be more fun than having her in tow?

• 44:59Speaker 02

  She was just fantastic.

• 45:00Dax Shepard?

  So you were trying to think of a ruse by which you'll be able to buy these robes?

• 45:04Speaker 02

  It takes nine months to have one made. But then they had one that was never picked up for some reason. So anyway, I walked right out the door with it.

• 45:10Speaker 01

  Off the rack.

• 45:11Speaker 02

  And then I started wearing it.

• 45:13Speaker 01

  Stop.

• 45:13Speaker 02

  Out. And it's so interesting. I wore it in London, where it's not a Catholic country.

• 45:19Dax Shepard?

  With the collar?

• 45:20Speaker 02

  Yeah, with the collar and everything.

• 45:21Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 45:22Speaker 02

  And then would see me from a distance and then look away when they got close. They couldn't look at my face.

• 45:28Dax Shepard?

  They're scared you'll see all their sins just screaming across their face?

• 45:32Speaker 02

  I don't know. Again, it's not a Catholic country.

• 45:34Dax Shepard?

  I'm an atheist, and I don't like looking at a priest. I'm like, he can see what a scumbag I am. This is his stock in trade. He's like, you fucking need to come in. I think it triggers that in people, like, oh, we're in trouble.

• 45:47Speaker 02

  Maybe that's it. Oxford Street in London, it's like there's a shift to change. And at 6 o'clock, Christians go home and Muslims take over.

• 45:57Dax Shepard?

  Oh, really?

• 45:58Speaker 01

  Oh, interesting.

• 45:58Speaker 02

  Even the beggars on the street go home and are replaced by beggars from the Middle East.

• 46:04Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 46:05Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wow.

• 46:05Speaker 02

  And so everybody on Oxford Street, after a certain time at night, is Muslim. And often they're dressed in, I don't know the names for the clothing.

• 46:13Dax Shepard?

  Right.

• 46:14Speaker 02

  And there, I was treated differently. Their people looked me in the face.

• 46:17Dax Shepard?

  Because they're living a very pure life.

• 46:20Speaker 02

  Yeah. They were living a religious life.

• 46:21Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 46:22Speaker 02

  I felt like they were looking at me like, whatever. You know, if you want to believe that, go ahead.

• 46:27Dax Shepard?

  Right.

• 46:29Speaker 02

  We're both wearing black. And so it was interesting.

• 46:33Speaker 01

  That is interesting.

• 46:34Dax Shepard?

  I can't imagine anything more. More amusing than being on a trip to London and knowing who you are and then just looking over and seeing you strolling around in a priest outfit.

• 46:42Speaker 01

  I would be dying.

• 46:44Dax Shepard?

  I'm almost jealous of anyone who saw you and knew who it was.

• 46:48Speaker 02

  It has thirty-three, or is it thirty-two buttons, one for each year of Christ's life.

• 46:53Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 46:54Speaker 02

  And so you're supposed to think about that every time, the second time you put it on, you're pulling it over your head. You know? Sure. You're wishing that he was crucified at twelve. That's what I'm thinking. That is a lot of work. I wore it on stage one night and the lights were really hot. And so I'm trying to unbutton it while I'm reading.

• 47:11Dax Shepard?

  Will you tell Monica your joke about Epstein nails?

• 47:14Speaker 02

  A man dies and he has a company that sells nails and he turns it over to his son-in-law. And one day he opens a newspaper and he sees a full-page ad and it's a picture of Jesus on the cross and it says, "We use Epstein nails." And the guy calls his son-in-law and says, "Are you out of your mind? This is no way to sell our product," right? A couple of days later, he opens a newspaper and he sees a picture of a cross and lying face down in the dust in front of it is Jesus Christ and the caption says, "They didn't use Epstein nails."

• 47:49Speaker 01

  Oh, my God, that's fantastic.

• 47:51Speaker 02

  What I like about that, too, is that people think it's a Jewish joke. It's not. It's just a dummy joke.

• 47:56Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 47:57Speaker 02

  The best joke I've heard lately, someone told me at a book signing, was a guy wakes up in the hospital following a horrible accident and says, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs." And the doctor says, "I know. I just amputated both your arms."

• 48:13Speaker 01

  That's great. It's funny what you just said about you think it's a joke about one thing and then it's not. And that's why it's actually funny, because it's actually not offensive. But you're scared that it is and then you're like, "Oh, I can laugh." There's like a relief in it. I was watching Shane Gillis's stand-up.

• 48:32Dax Shepard?

  Have you watched him?

• 48:33Speaker 01

  Have you seen him?

• 48:33Dax Shepard?

  Oh, you would absolutely love it.

• 48:36Speaker 01

  He's very, very funny. But it came out like a year ago and a lot of people watched it. And I remember Kristen was like... I don't think you should watch it. You won't like it, to me. So I didn't. And then since then, we've had some other people on who I do think are offensive. So then I was like, now I want to see this guy and see. And I don't find it offensive at all because it's so nuanced, who you're making fun of. And that, to me, is the difference between what's offensive and what's not.

• 49:05Speaker 02

  Isn't he really sweet?

• 49:06Dax Shepard?

  He's really sweet. And then back to, I almost brought this up when you were talking about the Down syndrome checking person, which is he has several family members that have Down syndrome. And he has opened up a bagel and coffee shop in the small town he's from that's run entirely by these Down syndrome people. And he goes, yeah, it's running. You know, it's up, people go in and it's going exactly how you think it would.

• 49:26Speaker 01

  He says there's a really long line, not because.

• 49:30Speaker 02

  Well, there's a place in, is it Savannah? Or is it Columbia, South Carolina? And it's a coffee shop and everyone who works there has Down syndrome or some people have brain damage, you know, they were in an accident or something like that. It's so funny because they don't take cash because making change is too much. When you get a coffee, it just takes a really long time to get it. And it's filled up to the very top, but you just feel really good.

• 49:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, of course.

• 49:56Speaker 02

  Someone told me about a place in Dallas called Howdy. And it's an ice cream parlor and everybody who works there has Down syndrome. And so I said, I'm going.

• 50:03Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, for sure.

• 50:04Speaker 02

  And they make the ice cream too. And they had Dr. Pepper ice cream. I would have tried it, but it had chocolate chips in it and I can't eat chocolate.

• 50:12Dax Shepard?

  You can't eat chocolate.

• 50:13Speaker 02

  But it's such a good idea for a business because you don't care. I mean, yeah, it takes a little bit longer, but.

• 50:19Dax Shepard?

  You're happy.

• 50:20Speaker 02

  The Shangai, is he southern?

• 50:22Dax Shepard?

  He's from, I think, Pennsylvania.

• 50:24Speaker 02

  I know what you mean, though, that sometimes I think people hear a word and then you're making a joke at the expense of something. And it's like, no, you weren't really listening. You stopped at the word and you didn't listen to the rest of it. That happens a lot.

• 50:39Speaker 01

  Yeah. I think that's what separates a very, very good comedian from a shock jock. And to some people, it can all sound the same, but it's really, really not.

• 50:49Dax Shepard?

  I'm glad you liked him. I think he's the funniest guy. We saw him live at the Greek and it's the greatest stand-up I've ever seen. You would love his special. What's it called?

• 50:58Speaker 01

  Beautiful dogs.

• 50:59Speaker 02

  Gosh, something you said a second ago. Somebody gave me a rape whistle. It was a red whistle and it was in a plastic bag that had rape whistle written on it.

• 51:08Dax Shepard?

  Uh huh.

• 51:09Speaker 02

  And I thought, oh, I'll give it to a teenager at my book signing. So I was waiting for the perfect person. The 17 year old boy came with his mother and I gave it to him and I said, I'm not exactly sure how it works, but I think you're supposed to blow into it the second you start raping someone.

• 51:24Speaker 02

  And then someone was offended by that and I thought, no.

• 51:27Speaker 01

  No.

• 51:27Speaker 02

  A woman's being raped, she's got her hands full. Why can't the guy? I mean, it's the least a guy could do is blow into a rape whistle.

• 51:37Speaker 01

  Do your part.

• 51:39Dax Shepard?

  Oh, one thing I wanna hear you talk about a tiny biz in the hem of his garment. You say, I'm not queer, I'm gay. Tell me the distinction between that.

• 51:47Speaker 02

  My objection to queer isn't that it used to be a slur and it really is a generational thing. When I'm signing books, if I meet gay men my age, I say, there's not a right answer. I said, but where do you stand on the word queer? And 90% of them feel the way that I do.

• 52:03Dax Shepard?

  Which is, it used to be yelled at you, right?

• 52:05Speaker 02

  Right, but I don't care that it used to be a slur. It's the fourth time in my life that I've been rebranded and nobody ever asks. I was in Australia not long ago and the flight attendants for Qantas were getting new uniforms. And I just said to one, oh, I love your uniform now. I love the way the navy blue is next to the red is next to the pink. And she said, well, we're getting new uniforms. And I said, what if you hate them? And she said, we're all getting a chance to vote on them. But nobody did that with queer. The word just changed to queer and then people say to me, as a queer writer, and I just like, no.

• 52:39Speaker 01

  I didn't pick that.

• 52:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, I didn't pick it. And also, it's an umbrella term. When I was in Australia, somebody said, oh, I know a nun who identifies as queer because she's married to God and that is an alternative sexual state. I meet a lot of women who identify as queer that are married to men, but they're open to the idea of a three way or something so that they identify as queer. And I just don't know why I'm on their team.

• 53:04Speaker 01

  You're like, we're not the same.

• 53:06Speaker 02

  Right, somebody.

• 53:08Speaker 02

  lumped us all together. I just want to know, who did the lumping? Or BIPOC?

• 53:12Dax Shepard?

  What's BIPOC?

• 53:13Speaker 02

  Black, indigenous, people of color. If you're like a Native American, or you're black. Or you're

• 53:21Dax Shepard?

  Wouldn't you just rather be Native American or be black?

• 53:24Speaker 02

  Right, but somebody decided, but it wasn't Native Americans or black people. It was some humanities professor who decided that we're going to invent this word.

• 53:33Speaker 01

  It's so ironic because it's an attempt to be inclusive and then in fact, it just sort of erases people's individual identities.

• 53:41Speaker 02

  I mean, I was just thinking this earlier today. I thought if they were straight people and gay people picking sport teams, gays would say, we'll take the trans. I just feel like the gender queer people would be the last ones on the field, you know what I mean? Be like, Chuck, we already took the nuns.

• 53:58Speaker 02

  Hey, the gender queers as well, you know, and they have green hair and their septum rings and they come over. Where they just complain about everything. I did a little CBS Sunday Morning thing.

• 54:08Dax Shepard?

  Yes, I watched it.

• 54:09Speaker 02

  Don't want to be. And then I don't ever read anything about myself, but apparently my friend Pamela Paul, who writes for the New York Times, she said, can I quote you for my op ed piece in the Times? And then the Times ran a letter and it was like somebody went off on that aspect of it and called my position problematic. But it's like, if I'm gay, I think I have a voice.

• 54:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, you have the right.

• 54:34Speaker 02

  I should be able to say, I don't like that. It's not like there are people in Puerto Rico being called something and I say, I don't.

• 54:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's about you.

• 54:43Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 54:43Speaker 02

  It's a word people are directing toward me. Plus I have a problem with problematic. If everything's problematic, nothing is.

• 54:51Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, that word for me is a big, um.

• 54:53Speaker 01

  Is problematic?

• 54:54Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. It's rough. I do read the comments of this show and I had made a Boy Scout joke. I've now forgotten. It was like a Boy Scout leader and a young boy. Walking into the woods.

• 55:06Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 55:06Dax Shepard?

  They're gonna go camping. I'm sure you know this.

• 55:08Speaker 02

  I gotta walk out alone.

• 55:09Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, exactly. The little boy goes, oh, my, I'm so scared. It's so dark. And goes, how do you think I feel? I'm gonna have to walk out alone. It's a great joke. Someone was very mad at me. How dare you make that joke? It's disgusting. And I wrote to them. I was molested. If I earned a single thing out of that, I can fucking make that joke as many times as I want. And she goes, well, I wasn't so. I don't know. And I was like, well, you weren't. And you're telling me how to deal with it. You don't have any business in this, really. That one got me mad.

• 55:37Speaker 02

  I wrote an essay in The New Yorker about my close friend Dawn. And I just said in passing that one of her lungs had collapsed. So she was super nervous about COVID. And so she wore her mask long after everybody else. And she and I were at O'Hare Airport. And I said, Dawn, I think it's time to let it go. Look around you. Nobody else. And she took her mask off, immediately got COVID.

• 55:58Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 56:01Speaker 02

  But the story was about our almost 50-year-old friendship.

• 56:05Speaker 01

  Yes, of course.

• 56:06Speaker 02

  So then my publicist called and said, I just think you should know this is happening. And it was like a tidal wave. I was ableist and I bullied a vulnerable person into taking her mask. I hope she never talks to you again.

• 56:18Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 56:18Speaker 02

  You almost killed her. I hate people like you. And it never occurred to me, no one was angrier than Dawn. Because she doesn't identify as vulnerable.

• 56:28Speaker 01

  Right.

• 56:29Speaker 02

  And you can't bully her into anything.

• 56:31Dax Shepard?

  Takes away her autonomy in this somehow.

• 56:33Speaker 02

  Also, if it's a New Yorker, your editor's like, I don't know about this. No one saw that coming. And then people were so angry about it. I didn't respond to any of it. I didn't read it. Some of it got back to me, but I just thought, I'd love to meet one of those people.

• 56:49Dax Shepard?

  I have that fantasy too. Like, I wonder if I sat and talked with them, could we join the same reality together at some point? I do have a curiosity. Like, some of these people are very mad. I just wanna go like, I would love to have lunch with you and see if at the end of that lunch, you could really still feel that way.

• 57:04Speaker 01

  But as soon as they even meet you for lunch, they're not gonna be that. They're not that. That's a presence you're able to have when you're not in front of another person. That's online rage.

• 57:13Dax Shepard?

  I, I think what's a little bit- Happened is there was a barrier of effort before where your passing thought to get to you would have involved sitting down and writing on paper and then finding an address and a stamp and all that. So you wouldn't do it. You would just let it remain a passing thought. But now you're already at the keyboard and the passing thought can come out. And so I have to often check myself and go, let's just recognize this person might not even think this. It was in their head that second and they had the keys right there and they did it.

• 57:41Speaker 02

  I've only written a comment one time and it was the New York Times did an article about Tom Brown, fashion designer, and people wrote in, oh, I can't believe who would wear that. I can't believe that's so expensive. And I wrote, you don't have to wear the whole outfit. And if you were to hold this jacket, you would understand why it costs so much. And also, somebody's being paid well to make that jacket.

• 58:04Speaker 01

  Paid properly.

• 58:05Speaker 02

  And that's all. And then there was something the other day, people were going off on. I think sometimes I'm pretty lucky to be my age because I think certain people like Lena Dunham, who I've done a show with and spent a little bit of time with and is a lovely person.

• 58:21Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 58:22Speaker 02

  And talented person. But I think it's hard for her because of her age. Her audience, her peers, rather, grew up online and they fucking are brutal.

• 58:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 58:34Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 58:35Speaker 02

  Amy Schumer, it's the same thing. People are just brutal. Amy Schumer has a new movie.

• 58:40Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 58:40Speaker 02

  It's out. But it was funny. And then people like, you know, I wanted to write like, really? I thought it was really funny, but then I thought, when then do I become?

• 58:50Speaker 01

  A part of the whole cycle.

• 58:52Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, that's kind of my policy. I don't defend myself, but I defend other people I like. I'll get involved in the comments to defend other people. You wrote a children's book, Pretty Ugly. Did people buy it?

• 59:04Speaker 02

  Yeah, I guess. It was written 20 years ago.

• 59:06Dax Shepard?

  It was?

• 59:07Speaker 02

  More than 20 years ago. And Ian Falconer did the pictures, but it was for a project of cartoons for kids that the art director for the New Yorker put together. And then a couple of years ago, she decided to bring it out as a book. Ian died a couple of months before the book came out.

• 59:22Dax Shepard?

  So it was done 20 years ago, but it came out a couple of years? Years ago.

• 59:25Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 59:25Dax Shepard?

  Okay, what I love about, because you were on Seth Meyers talking about it. But you're like, there's no message in this book for the kids. There's no lesson and there's no message. And I just loved your defense of that.

• 59:37Speaker 02

  Well, poor kids. I mean, everybody. Look at every children's book. There's a message and it's not doing any good.

• 59:46Speaker 02

  They're still assholes.

• 59:47Speaker 01

  Like, look at these adults. It didn't work.

• 59:49Dax Shepard?

  The baseline of piece of shit has not really fluctuated at all, pre or post all these great books.

• 59:55Speaker 02

  What was the message of brain, eggs and ham? I didn't know the message, is it?

• 1:00:00Dax Shepard?

  Dr. Seuss was pretty good at, he wasn't beating kids over the head with anything. But you're right, there's this impulse for everyone to teach them a lesson every second they're awake. And it must be exhausting.

• 1:00:10Speaker 02

  Well, you know, it's interesting to me, too, the reviews of children's books now and Publishers Weekly and Kirkus, which are publications that review new books. And it was so interesting. It said, character's skin color is the same as the page because they all review the books for diversity. What color are the people and how many? That's a consideration. I don't read children's books, you know?

• 1:00:39Dax Shepard?

  It's been a while.

• 1:00:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, I don't. There was one that I bought 20 copies of and it's a German book.

• 1:00:46Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 1:00:47Speaker 02

  And it's a mole and someone shed on its head and it goes to different animals and said, did you do this? And then the horse says, no, my shit looks like this. And the goat says, no, my shit looks like this.

• 1:00:57Dax Shepard?

  This is so German.

• 1:00:58Speaker 02

  And it's really beautifully drawn and it was a great size. And then it got translated into many different languages.

• 1:01:06Dax Shepard?

  What's the name of that book? I want to get that.

• 1:01:08Speaker 02

  It's got the word mole. It's like the little mole who wanted to know who did it on his head.

• 1:01:12Dax Shepard?

  Okay. How could he not?

• 1:01:15Speaker 02

  And there's not a lesson in it, except you see what horse shit looks like.

• 1:01:20Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 1:01:21Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, you get educated on scat.

• 1:01:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, which is important.

• 1:01:25Dax Shepard?

  We did a whole episode on toilets as they vary around the world and the German toilet in particular is designed with a landing pad so you can examine your shit to diagnose your health. And I was like, that sounds pretty smart.

• 1:01:37Speaker 02

  The first time I went to Germany, I thought, what?

• 1:01:40Dax Shepard?

  Why is there a staging area for me to turn before it fucking goes into the sewer system?

• 1:01:47Speaker 01

  They're sick over there.

• 1:01:48Dax Shepard?

  I like it.

• 1:01:49Speaker 01

  I know, it's pretty fun.

• 1:01:51Speaker 02

  When Hugh just had his hip replaced, I went with him to the hospital. I was with him in this little examining room and one nurse or one doctor after another came into the room and they asked questions. Each one of them had a personality and one of them said to Hugh, when was the last time you had a bowel movement? I said, ah, because we don't do that.

• 1:02:09Speaker 01

  Oh, you don't.

• 1:02:10Speaker 02

  We do not do that. We do not talk about that.

• 1:02:14Speaker 01

  You don't.

• 1:02:15Speaker 02

  We do never, ever, ever, ever, ever. And I thought everything could fall apart.

• 1:02:22Dax Shepard?

  You've come so far.

• 1:02:23Speaker 02

  If I listened to his answer after 35 years.

• 1:02:27Dax Shepard?

  35 years, yeah.

• 1:02:28Speaker 01

  I am so impressed.

• 1:02:29Dax Shepard?

  I'm shocked because I didn't think I would ever wander into the area that you're a prude. I mean, you acknowledge this is like very prudish of you.

• 1:02:37Speaker 02

  No, I think it's good for relationships.

• 1:02:39Speaker 01

  A lot of people think this.

• 1:02:40Speaker 02

  Never happened in our house. I mean, I know people who have that relationship.

• 1:02:45Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:02:45Dax Shepard?

  So when you guys get a hotel room, do you make sure you get a suite that has two toilets in it so that you guys can split up?

• 1:02:51Speaker 02

  No, but if Hugh were to go into the bathroom, I would.

• 1:02:56Dax Shepard?

  Respectfully not go for one.

• 1:02:57Speaker 01

  Turn on the TV.

• 1:02:58Speaker 02

  Not the TV, but something. It would depend if there was a bathroom and it had a paper door and he went in there, then I would say, I'm just going to listen to this podcast with these big noise canceling headphones.

• 1:03:10Dax Shepard?

  Time for me to practice my accordion.

• 1:03:12Speaker 02

  Yeah, or I would leave. When we lived in Normandy, there was one bedroom and then the bathroom and then the kitchen. And when we had company, he would be out somewhere and I would say, I'm going to go for a walk. I would be back in exactly 20 minutes, you know, so people would know.

• 1:03:27Dax Shepard?

  Now's the time to try to move your bowels.

• 1:03:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:03:31Dax Shepard?

  This is interesting.

• 1:03:32Speaker 01

  I'm surprised and I do like it. I mean, this is an ongoing debate for people in relationships.

• 1:03:37Dax Shepard?

  Does it ruin the romance?

• 1:03:38Speaker 01

  Does it ruin it?

• 1:03:38Speaker 02

  We had a house guest a while ago who said, I'm going to go downstairs now and take a shit. And I said, why do you even say that? Just go downstairs.

• 1:03:46Dax Shepard?

  I'm glad I know this about you now because I talk about it a lot. And I probably would get myself disinvited had I not known this prior to coming over.

• 1:03:55Speaker 02

  It's just a different way of life.

• 1:03:56Dax Shepard?

  They're two different paradigms.

• 1:03:57Speaker 02

  Right. People who acknowledge it and say it's a part of life.

• 1:04:01Dax Shepard?

  I think it's funny. I think it's very inherently funny.

• 1:04:04Speaker 02

  I like hearing about other people.

• 1:04:06Dax Shepard?

  Do you like a pant shitting story? That's my all time favorite story.

• 1:04:09Speaker 02

  There's nothing better. I like your story about shitting in your pants. Was it Home Depot?

• 1:04:13Dax Shepard?

  Yes, bending over to pick up some wood in the bathroom was a quarter mile away. Yeah, and I know there's cameras in there and I know I'm recognizable and I'm walking. I clearly shit my pants. Did I tell you when I got in there, the great relief was there's trash cans in all the stalls at Home Depot? Which I think lets you know what the overall health of the laborers and the parking lot is like. Clearly, they had so many pairs of underwear in the bin for the paper towel that they were like, we gotta put 55 gallon trash cans in each stall.

• 1:04:44Speaker 02

  I was at the airport a few weeks ago and my friend said, oh, look at that man. He looks so good in his seersucker suit. And he was like in his seventies and I fell in behind him later and he'd completely shit in his pants.

• 1:04:55Dax Shepard?

  Oh, yeah, that's a gift though. You get immediately excited.

• 1:04:59Speaker 02

  No, I felt contempt for him. I got really early for my flight to the airport. I knew there was a gift shop. I knew they sold clothing. I'm like, why didn't you go and buy a pair of pants at the gift shop? If you thought this is a nice suit, I'm gonna put it in a plastic bag. And I thought, you can't not know. Even if you sat on someone else's shit, you'd be like.

• 1:05:20Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:05:20Dax Shepard?

  It triggered your laziness thing again. I think that's the recurring theme is that when you smell laziness.

• 1:05:27Speaker 01

  Literally.

• 1:05:28Dax Shepard?

  Fucking handle your business. It wasn't about anything other than that.

• 1:05:31Speaker 02

  Then I thought, well, maybe he took his underwear off.

• 1:05:35Dax Shepard?

  And he just still stinks a bit.

• 1:05:37Speaker 01

  See it or you could only smell it?

• 1:05:39Speaker 02

  See it. And I thought, what would I have done? So I would have bought the shorts. If you're that married to the pants, I would have completely washed them in the sink. It takes some work, but it's seersucker. You could get it done. If they had a hand dryer, you could go through all that and hand dry them and put them on again if you needed to. But I wouldn't even feel confident to do that. I would have thrown the pants away or wrapped the jacket around your waist.

• 1:06:04Dax Shepard?

  I sent Monica a photo. One time I was at the pharmacy and I was in line and the woman in front of me who was wearing yoga pants had shit herself. Her pants were full of shit and she was waiting in a very long line and she was so casual. And I just thought, this woman's a gangster. I couldn't do that. I had to admire the bravery and the fuck it-ness of her demeanor. I just was like, man, when I shit my pants, I'm racing to handle it. This one was like, no, I'm gonna stop by the pharmacy. That's on my list. God knows where else she went. She might've gone grocery shopping.

• 1:06:38Speaker 02

  I would have gone to the second person in line and I would have said, there's a woman back here who shit in her pants. Do you mind if she goes in front of you? And then when you led her up there, people would look at the back of her pants because they'd want to say, hey. And I'd be like, okay.

• 1:06:52Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. I was in life. Oh.

• 1:06:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:06:56Speaker 02

  I probably would have judged her for wearing sweatpants outside the house.

• 1:07:00Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. There would have been a lot of offensive things for you.

• 1:07:03Speaker 02

  The shit in the back of it would just be secondary.

• 1:07:05Dax Shepard?

  The entree would be the sweatpants.

• 1:07:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, of course.

• 1:07:10Dax Shepard?

  Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert if you dare. We get support from Skims. Okay, I have a confession. I genuinely love matching pajamas. It's the best part of Christmas morning, really. Everyone in the same matching set, looking ridiculously cute in front of the tree.

• 1:07:31Speaker 01

  I love matching pajamas. I'm literally going to be in coordinating sets with all my friends this holiday season because I got them, spoiler to my friends who are listening, the same Skims pajama set I've been living in. They are so soft and cozy and they look cute. So you can leave the house and go get a late night hot chocolate and be cozy.

• 1:07:52Dax Shepard?

  It's so great how Skims has sets for everyone too. Women's, men's, kids, even your pets. So nobody in your life has to be left out this year.

• 1:08:01Speaker 01

  I have a bunch of different pajama sets. One of my favorite is the organic cotton sleep long sleeve set.

• 1:08:08Dax Shepard?

  Okay, tell me more.

• 1:08:10Speaker 01

  It is so comfortable, very chic too. The top is a button down, but very, very soft, easy to sleep in. But as I said before, you can multipurpose this and look super cute.

• 1:08:21Dax Shepard?

  Hot chocolate runs. It's like the pajamas we grew up in, except without the scratchy polyester. That made opening presents feel more like a hot yoga class that nobody signed up for.

• 1:08:31Speaker 01

  All the nostalgia, none of the discomfort. Shop my favorite loungewear and pajamas at skims.com. After you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you. Select podcasts in the survey and be sure to select Armchair Expert in the dropdown menu that follows. If you're looking for the perfect gifts for everyone on your list, the Skims Holiday Shop is now open at skims.com.

• 1:08:50Dax Shepard?

  We are supported by Squarespace. So here's something I think about a lot. Most people I talk to on this show, the ones doing really interesting things. They all had a version of their work that existed before anyone else saw it. It was just theirs, notes, ideas, projects they were tinkering with. And then at some point, they made the decision to share it. That's the part that's scary, right? Going from I'm working on something to here's what I made. Rob went through the exact same thing, building our site on Squarespace. And what made it doable was that he didn't have to become a web developer overnight. He just had to show up with the idea. Squarespace handles the rest. Beautiful templates that actually look like you hired someone, built in SEO, so people can find you. Email campaigns, scheduling, analytics, all under one roof. No code, no patchwork of random tools.

• 1:09:35Dax Shepard?

  And honestly, the thing I keep coming back to is how low the barrier is. If you've got something you've been building quietly and you're ready for people to see it. Squarespace makes that leap feel a lot less traumatic. Head to squarespace.com/dax for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code DAX to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Every family has that one holiday tradition. Nobody actually enjoys, but everyone keeps doing because stopping it would feel like a federal offense. For me, it was a specific meal situation that I will not name because my family listens. But at some point, you have to ask yourself, am I doing this because I love it or because I'm afraid of what happens if I don't?

• 1:10:19Speaker 01

  Yes, and that question applies to so much more than the holidays. I think a lot of us carry these invisible rules about how we're supposed to spend the holidays. We're supposed to see what it's supposed to look like. And when you start unpacking that with a therapist, you realize half of your stress is coming from rules you didn't even write.

• 1:10:35Dax Shepard?

  This is where BetterHelp Can be a great resource during the holidays. BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. A short questionnaire helps identify your needs and preferences, which means they typically get it right the first time. If you aren't happy with your match, switch to a different therapist at any time from their tailored recs.

• 1:10:54Speaker 01

  I just love therapy. I've been avoiding it recently, or not avoiding it, but I was like, oh, I'm busy, I'm busy, I'm busy. I haven't canceled, canceled, canceled, but then I-

• 1:11:02Dax Shepard?

  You start feeling it.

• 1:11:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, because then I had it this past weekend and I was like, oh my God. I'm just, thank God, thank God for her. Yeah.

• 1:11:10Dax Shepard?

  BetterHelp is now in-network with more than 125 health plans, with many copays as low as $15 for eligible members. And if you don't have eligible insurance or live outside the US, you can still get 20% off your first month. Sign up and get 20% off at betterhelp.com/dax. That's betterhelp, H E L P, dot com slash DAX. We are supported by Walden University. You know that feeling when you've been thinking about making a move, going after the degree, the promotion, the thing you keep telling yourself you'll get to someday? Walden University is built for that moment. For over 50 years, Walden has helped working professionals get the W,

• 1:11:53Dax Shepard?

  the knowledge, the skills, and the confidence to create real change in their careers and communities. Their programs are designed around your life, not the other way around. With Tempo Learning, available in select programs, there are no rigid schedules or set weekly deadlines. You move at your own pace. And Walden's faculty aren't just academics. They're practitioners who bring real-world experience into everything they teach. From your first class to career coaching and beyond, Walden is your partner the whole way. Take the first step and learn at a pace that works for you. Visit waldenu.edu. Walden University. Set a course for change. Certified to operate by CHEV.

• 1:12:41Dax Shepard?

  Okay, I was earmarking Instagram because Amy's so funny on Instagram.

• 1:12:45Speaker 02

  Oh, she's great at it.

• 1:12:46Dax Shepard?

  She's so great at it. I don't know where she's finding these. She has the most obscure, I implore everyone to follow Amy Sedaris on Instagram. It's probably the best follow on Instagram, other than Shaquille O'Neal. Where is she finding this? Do you ask her?

• 1:12:58Speaker 02

  She's just at it all the time.

• 1:12:59Dax Shepard?

  She's scouring the corners, though, of the internet.

• 1:13:01Speaker 02

  It's Instagram curated.

• 1:13:03Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, she's like a museum curator. She's not posting pictures of herself or anything.

• 1:13:07Speaker 02

  It's really her point of view. You could not get her to put something on there that she doesn't think is funny.

• 1:13:13Dax Shepard?

  I don't know her at all. I've never met her. I feel like I know her better than anyone I know who's posting actual photos of their real life. I'm like, oh, I understand her brain completely by these posts.

• 1:13:24Speaker 02

  When Amy's on a talk show, it's different when it's someone in your family because you're like, it's not really her because it seems more manicky and she's not. One of Amy's best qualities is that she's a really curious person and I think that's expressed in her Instagram.

• 1:13:41Dax Shepard?

  Does it ever encourage you to have an Instagram?

• 1:13:44Speaker 02

  I have one, but I've never seen it.

• 1:13:46Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so you don't really have one, but the team has one.

• 1:13:50Speaker 02

  Every now and then I'll go to a play and I'll say, oh, would you put this on the Instagram account? Or they'll say, we want you to be more involved. Then I'll do it for like a day, but then I forget. I don't know. It's just not my thing.

• 1:14:00Dax Shepard?

  I understand, but I feel like you might be able to curate some stuff as well.

• 1:14:04Speaker 02

  But it really takes a lot of time. Yeah. I've been watching this thing lately on Instagram and it's people getting sentenced for crimes they committed. So somebody will get 900 years in prison and they'll pass out. So it's just interesting to see. But anyway, one of them, I watched that a long ago. I don't know what he had done, but the judge is off camera and the judge said, you did this to a child, you would do this to other childs. I thought, childs?

• 1:14:31Dax Shepard?

  Given the position you have on the calves, what is your thought on the Ozempic Trezepatide GLP-1?

• 1:14:38Speaker 02

  I'm struggling to lose five pounds.

• 1:14:41Dax Shepard?

  And you walk 30,000 steps a day?

• 1:14:44Speaker 02

  But I don't care. I know there are people who've struggled for years.

• 1:14:47Dax Shepard?

  Their entire life.

• 1:14:48Speaker 02

  And I think this must be just great for them.

• 1:14:50Dax Shepard?

  Yes, I'm so supportive of it, but I was just curious, since you put so much fucking effort into.

• 1:14:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, they're not taking anything from me.

• 1:14:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:14:58Dax Shepard?

  That's my opinion.

• 1:14:59Speaker 02

  I've made such a massive change in so many people's lives and made them happy. And then people say, well, we don't know what the long, if we know, true, we don't.

• 1:15:07Dax Shepard?

  Although diabetics have been on this medicine for like 20 years, they do. I don't think that's a really strong objection.

• 1:15:13Speaker 02

  I really care about baths. I want to take a bath. I want to take a shower. I look forward to my bath all day.

• 1:15:19Dax Shepard?

  How long do you stay in the tub when you're in there?

• 1:15:21Speaker 02

  45 minutes.

• 1:15:22Speaker 01

  Oh, nice.

• 1:15:23Dax Shepard?

  Okay, it's a real session.

• 1:15:24Speaker 02

  And I look forward to dinner. And so if I were on Ozempic, then I wouldn't. I can't walk away from food. Last night we were at dinner. I noticed some people had some food on their plate and normally I would have said, actually pass that over this way.

• 1:15:37Dax Shepard?

  You ate most of Whoopi Goldberg's dinner at the Pope invitation?

• 1:15:41Speaker 02

  I'll eat anyone under the table.

• 1:15:43Dax Shepard?

  Well, we should really have a meal because that could get violent.

• 1:15:46Speaker 02

  Really, even people who think, oh, you can't outeat me.

• 1:15:48Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:49Speaker 02

  No, I like to eat until I hate myself.

• 1:15:52Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, that's when you know you're there. Yeah, when the shame sets in mid-meal.

• 1:15:58Speaker 02

  You know, it's funny, my brother and I are exactly the same. And I don't know if it's because having six kids.

• 1:16:05Speaker 01

  The hoarding.

• 1:16:06Speaker 02

  They tend to corral my plate to keep you away from it. And I just would eat because if you finish first, then maybe you can get second.

• 1:16:12Dax Shepard?

  Yep.

• 1:16:13Speaker 02

  It's not like I need counseling, but watching my brother eat, I think that's me.

• 1:16:18Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, same with me and my brother. Limited resources and it was a race every time we ate. And I hate sharing. I think of myself as a very generous person. I'll buy you anything. I don't want to share any of my food. I don't enjoy it. I'd rather not do it.

• 1:16:31Speaker 02

  I went to the dinner a couple of nights ago with some very generous people. And what I ordered was so good, I didn't offer anyone a taste because I wanted it all from. Myself and they would all say, do you want some of this? Do you want some of this? And I would take their food.

• 1:16:46Speaker 01

  Never.

• 1:16:46Dax Shepard?

  Never reciprocated.

• 1:16:47Speaker 02

  Didn't offer any of my own.

• 1:16:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, I've been in that position too. I mean, you're ordering the thing you want to eat. So I, yeah, you don't want to give half of it away.

• 1:16:55Speaker 02

  I don't like it sometimes when you go to places with people you don't know that well. And it's a small plate thing that you share because.

• 1:17:02Dax Shepard?

  Tapas.

• 1:17:03Speaker 02

  And I want all of it.

• 1:17:06Dax Shepard?

  Women, we're ordering. That's where I have to start the whole process. My wife will go, oh, should we get such and such for the table? And I'll go like, well, I want one for myself.

• 1:17:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:17:14Dax Shepard?

  So make sure I have my own appetizer. And I feel crazy, but I can't even enjoy it because I'm racing.

• 1:17:19Speaker 01

  You can soften it by just saying, let's get two.

• 1:17:23Dax Shepard?

  But I don't mean to. I don't want four people sharing two. I want three people sharing one.

• 1:17:27Speaker 01

  Hugh is having a really big.

• 1:17:29Speaker 02

  I want my own and then party yours.

• 1:17:31Dax Shepard?

  Exactly. I want my own and then the sharing one we're all getting.

• 1:17:34Speaker 01

  Okay, but you both have money. So you can say, let's start with two and maybe we'll get another one. If everyone's still hungry.

• 1:17:40Speaker 02

  No.

• 1:17:41Speaker 01

  You guys aren't resonating with this?

• 1:17:42Speaker 02

  You know what I like to do is when dessert time comes, I like to order more dinner.

• 1:17:47Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:17:48Dax Shepard?

  You might like this. We were in Austin six months ago and we went to Lambert's, my favorite steakhouse there. I got a ribeye and you would know as a fellow addict. The first bite, I'm angry. I'm like, fuck, this is so good. It's gonna disappear. I should have ordered two. It'd be crazy now if I ordered a second one because Monica will be waiting. I was very uncomfortable with how good it tasted and how panicked I was it was gonna run out. So we went back two nights later and I got two ribeyes. I could relax and breathe and I enjoyed the shit out of both of them. But it's like, you know, when something's so good, my first thought is like, fuck, it's gonna go away.

• 1:18:27Speaker 02

  There's a place in Melbourne called Tipo Zero Zero, which is a kind of flour they make pasta out of.

• 1:18:32Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 1:18:33Speaker 02

  And it's one of my favorite places. So I was there for two days and so I went both days that I was there. And the second day I ordered two pastas.

• 1:18:42Speaker 01

  Yeah. And did you eat them both, all, or were you like, I'll save some, take some home or no?

• 1:18:47Speaker 02

  I ate them both all and I would have eaten dinner there both nights too, but I'm. He's doing a show and I eat dinner while I sign books because otherwise I'm not getting out of there. All the restaurants can be closed. I hate having my picture taken. I hate how people take your picture like you're a statue. They don't ask you. It's so rude to me. Anyway, so they have signs up, no pictures. And this woman came up and said, after standing in this line, watching you eat for 10 minutes, I understand why you don't want any pictures taken.

• 1:19:14Speaker 02

  Cause I eat like that, like a caveman.

• 1:19:17Speaker 01

  Well, yeah, maybe part of it is the big family, but the addict thing is a piece of this.

• 1:19:22Dax Shepard?

  Can you relate to the panic the second you recognize it's something you really love?

• 1:19:25Speaker 02

  But I haven't been to that place. I'll go there. The Four Seasons there has a smoked ribeye.

• 1:19:30Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:19:31Speaker 02

  Pretty great.

• 1:19:33Dax Shepard?

  My fetish is that same hotel.

• 1:19:34Speaker 02

  We were in Tokyo, end of January, and so we went to a teppanyaki restaurant at the Peninsula Hotel, and it was the best steak I've ever had in my life.

• 1:19:43Dax Shepard?

  Really?

• 1:19:44Speaker 02

  Unbelievable.

• 1:19:47Dax Shepard?

  I will go just for that now. That's still the greatest gift in life is when you have a meal like that.

• 1:19:53Speaker 02

  And I was just sitting there thinking, how many entire cows have I eaten in my life? And this is the best.

• 1:20:00Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 1:20:01Speaker 02

  And then I like to sit next to somebody who I know doesn't finish their food.

• 1:20:06Dax Shepard?

  Yes, yes, yes. That's very smart. Tactical.

• 1:20:08Speaker 01

  But back to the Ozempic thing, I agree with you. I think that takes away your desire for food and that's sad.

• 1:20:16Dax Shepard?

  I know. I've thought of many people I know who live to eat and I thought, I can understand if they don't want to lose their passion.

• 1:20:22Speaker 01

  Their excitement for dinner.

• 1:20:24Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:20:24Speaker 02

  But plus Hugh is a really, really good cook and he's a very generous cook. He'll say, what would you like for dinner?

• 1:20:33Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 1:20:34Speaker 02

  And if it takes four hours to make it, and I'm not saying he'll do this every night, but a lot of times he'll spend four hours.

• 1:20:40Dax Shepard?

  What's your single favorite dish of his?

• 1:20:42Speaker 02

  It's this manicotti my mother used to make. Other people have tried to make it and he just makes it perfectly. It just takes me right back to my mother. And most people, they don't make a meat manicotti. And I like the store bought shells. He started making his own shells and it's like, no, no, I like those ribbed store bought shells.

• 1:21:01Dax Shepard?

  Big boys, they're like a taco shell pasta style.

• 1:21:03Speaker 02

  It would really change our relationship if we didn't have that to do together. We always eat dinner at the table. The only time we're allowed to watch TV is at the Academy Awards. But we eat dinner at the table with candles on the table. It's a lovely thing to have with somebody.

• 1:21:19Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:20Speaker 02

  Where would we be if we didn't have that?

• 1:21:22Dax Shepard?

  Well, you just eat half of a manicotti, I guess. I have many friends on it and they seem to still enjoy it. They just don't wanna overdo it like you and I wanna do.

• 1:21:29Speaker 02

  I just can't imagine putting anything away. You know, like when you meet people who's take three puffs of a cigarette and put it out.

• 1:21:36Dax Shepard?

  Four sips of wine.

• 1:21:37Speaker 02

  Right, or just turn back to their Scotch and it's all, all the ice is melted.

• 1:21:42Dax Shepard?

  Or I'm regularly at a table and people go, should we get that banana pie to have a bite?

• 1:21:46Speaker 01

  That's me.

• 1:21:47Dax Shepard?

  I just don't eat dessert. I gotta do some bargaining with myself. So I'm like, I'll go savory. I go as hard as I want unsavory, but that's off the table for me. And I just think, look at these psychopaths. They're gonna order a dessert and they're gonna have a bite.

• 1:21:59Speaker 02

  Well, last night at dinner, we split a piece of banana cream pie.

• 1:22:05Dax Shepard?

  It was ding ding ding.

• 1:22:06Speaker 02

  I felt good about that because I could have had a whole piece of banana cream pie for myself. But I need to lose 4.8 pounds by the 28th of March.

• 1:22:15Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:22:16Dax Shepard?

  What is happening on the 28th?

• 1:22:18Speaker 02

  I started a new tour.

• 1:22:19Dax Shepard?

  Okay, and you wanna be this very specific way?

• 1:22:21Speaker 02

  I wanna be 145 pounds.

• 1:22:23Dax Shepard?

  Okay, wow.

• 1:22:24Speaker 02

  When I start my tour. That's the only way I do it. I'm just strict with myself and I

• 1:22:28Dax Shepard?

  Yep.

• 1:22:28Speaker 02

  Get out of control and then I kind of rain it. But it's like a five pound rain.

• 1:22:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:22:33Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You just talked about your mom and how much you like that. It reminds you of her. And I just wanna say out loud, I heard you say the sweetest thing in one of these interviews I was watching where you said, "My whole mission as a writer has been to make the rest of the world love my mom as much as I did."

• 1:22:47Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's what I feel.

• 1:22:48Dax Shepard?

  That's so fucking sweet.

• 1:22:51Speaker 02

  When my dad would get so mad, "What did you have to say that for?" But he never understood. My father would say, "I love my mother. She was a wonderful woman." What was so great about her? "Oh, I loved her. She was wonderful." "How was she wonderful? She was a wonderful woman." And it's like, he could say to me, My mother, I was an alcoholic. Or my mother pressed my face against a skillet one time to teach me a lesson. She didn't do any of those things. It wouldn't make me dislike her. It would make her more real to me. Because when you're just saying she was a wonderful woman, you're not telling me anything. If you can include somebody's weaknesses in something that you write. I wrote something recently, when we were kids, we'd have dinner together and my father would leave, go downstairs the second he could.

• 1:23:36Speaker 02

  And the rest of us would sit around the table with my mother for hours and hours. 10:30 on a school night and we're still with our mother around the table. I think she really liked having a lot of kids. And she liked us and we liked her. And she would go to the bathroom and we would follow her to the bathroom. And she would throw up every single night. And then she would come out and say, I ate something that didn't agree with me. And it wasn't until you're older that you're like, oh, the dental problems, mama's bulimic. Maybe now it would be a bit different, but at the time, there wasn't a word for it. That didn't make her a bad mother.

• 1:24:10Speaker 01

  No.

• 1:24:10Dax Shepard?

  Right.

• 1:24:11Speaker 02

  If my goal is to make people love my mother, I don't think that that impedes my goal any.

• 1:24:16Speaker 01

  No, it just makes her human.

• 1:24:18Dax Shepard?

  Okay, you're going on a 40-city tour. You do it every single year, right?

• 1:24:22Speaker 02

  Every fall and every spring.

• 1:24:24Dax Shepard?

  Do you love being on the road?

• 1:24:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, I do.

• 1:24:26Dax Shepard?

  You will do a reading. And as you already know, lots of armchairs go. And we hear about it all the time. Like, oh, my God, I saw Sedaris in Skokie. I saw him in all these places. And you do book signings generally? And they go on until they're over, right?

• 1:24:40Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:24:40Dax Shepard?

  How long are they?

• 1:24:42Speaker 02

  The longest one was 10 and a half hours.

• 1:24:44Speaker 01

  Oh, my.

• 1:24:45Speaker 02

  That was on a book tour.

• 1:24:47Dax Shepard?

  Right. Can't you get piles? Is that a thing? Isn't piles the old word for hemorrhoids?

• 1:24:52Speaker 02

  Probably, but people aren't gonna wait in line for 10 and a half hours once. They're not gonna do it a second time.

• 1:24:58Dax Shepard?

  Gotcha.

• 1:24:59Speaker 02

  But usually if it's a lecture tour, it's a different thing because people bought a ticket. Like, that's the longest one I did recently. It's like five hours. But usually, I get in the theater and I start signing books immediately because I don't need any prep time. And I'm there at the theater because I gotta do sound checks. So what am I gonna do? Sit in the dressing room? So I Do it beforehand and then I do it after. Usually you do it an hour before and two hours after.

• 1:25:21Dax Shepard?

  I reread Themes and Variations today. Do you recall that story of yours? It's so good and it's all about signing. I mean, mostly, there's so much fodder in these signings. You get so many wonderful stories, but yeah, this woman came up to David and said like, I put my bra back on for you.

• 1:25:39Speaker 02

  Yeah, she said, I take it off when I come home from work. I don't put it on for anyone. Once it's off, it's off. And it explains so much to me because I found this woman's phone in England and I tracked her down, which is really hard to do. And I knocked on the door and her husband came to the door and I said, I found a telephone. He called over Sherry. And then she comes to the door with her arms crossed over her chest as if I stole her phone. And then I realized, oh, she took a bra.

• 1:26:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:26:05Speaker 02

  And her arms are crossed.

• 1:26:06Dax Shepard?

  Now he starts asking everyone who comes up to get a book signed, when do you take your bra off?

• 1:26:11Speaker 01

  That's actually a great question for people.

• 1:26:14Dax Shepard?

  Yes. Some of the women are like, oh, heavens no, I take it off in the car. They don't wait to get home.

• 1:26:19Speaker 02

  I met a Scottish one who takes it off on the bus.

• 1:26:23Dax Shepard?

  And I hadn't even thought of it either. Reading that story again, I was like, it must feel incredible to get that fucking bra off. Like, I can actually feel the sensation of liberating these boobs that have been bound up.

• 1:26:36Speaker 02

  You know, like sometimes you're wearing a pair of shoes that's too tight or something.

• 1:26:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:26:39Speaker 02

  And you come home and you take them off and you're like, oh. The last thing you want to do is put them back on.

• 1:26:44Speaker 01

  I am not in a rush to get it off, but I wait till the longest moment before I put it on in the morning. So like if it's a weekend and I'm not going out anywhere, I probably won't wear one. But when I get home from work, I'm not like, I gotta get this thing off.

• 1:27:00Dax Shepard?

  You're not dying to get out of it.

• 1:27:01Speaker 01

  No.

• 1:27:02Dax Shepard?

  Now, is there any element of that that you're like, I must protect their buoyancy?

• 1:27:06Speaker 01

  Why I don't put it on?

• 1:27:08Dax Shepard?

  Why you don't take it off right away?

• 1:27:09Speaker 01

  No.

• 1:27:09Dax Shepard?

  No.

• 1:27:10Speaker 01

  I just forget.

• 1:27:11Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 1:27:11Speaker 01

  I have great bras, Skims, shout out.

• 1:27:13Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, big, big shout out.

• 1:27:14Speaker 02

  But is that like, when I was in Hawaii, I saw people with long sleeve shirts on and then they had hats on and they had things protecting their necks and they had sunblock. But part of me thinks when you're 60, you're gonna look 60. Whether you live your life in the shadows.

• 1:27:30Dax Shepard?

  In the shadows.

• 1:27:33Speaker 01

  You're gonna age regardless.

• 1:27:35Speaker 02

  So is that like that with breasts?

• 1:27:36Dax Shepard?

  I've had girlfriends, that's why I ask, I've had girlfriends that are like, I have to keep it on until I go to bed because I don't want them to get saggy. They're thinking of maintaining the buoyancy of their breasts.

• 1:27:46Speaker 01

  I don't think that's gonna help.

• 1:27:47Speaker 02

  But by that reason, then a tight brief would keep your ass firmer than boxer shorts.

• 1:27:54Dax Shepard?

  But I'll tell you this from anecdotal experience and one experiment. My testicles were getting droopier and droopier and droopier. And one of the most embarrassing moments I had, which I've told on here before, is I was shooting as a guest star on the TV show and the lead actress was not working that week. They gave me her trailer. And this is a very perverted, and I'm sorry for this story, but this was 20 years ago.

• 1:28:17Speaker 02

  I already love it.

• 1:28:18Dax Shepard?

  I finished my last day of work and then I was told, oh, they're actually calling her in. This actress, back to her trailer. And so I started getting kind of horny with the notion that she might walk in while I was naked. And then I happened to walk by a mirror and it was a very hot day that day of shooting. And I looked and I was like, oh my God, my testicles are longer than my penis. This is a nightmare if she walked in and saw how droopy these balls are. Your dick should always be further down than your testicles. And again, this was 20 years ago and I was like, where are these balls gonna be when I'm fucking 50? Like, I'll have to tuck them in my socks. That's what I was en route to.

• 1:29:00Dax Shepard?

  Then I did a movie, I guess it was 10 years ago, nine years ago. And in the scene, I had to wear me undies. They were tight. They were boxer briefs. And I was like, oh, I actually like these. And I switched to those kind of panties. And David, my testicles are half the length that they were when I was wearing boxers for a decade.

• 1:29:18Speaker 02

  Hey, it's really funny to hear a man say the word panties.

• 1:29:21Dax Shepard?

  I'll never call a woman's undergarments panties, but I exclusively will call men's panties panties.

• 1:29:28Speaker 02

  Because a woman said to me, I had used the word panties in an essay. She said, only men say panties.

• 1:29:34Dax Shepard?

  I don't think that's true.

• 1:29:36Speaker 01

  I think women say it in a sexual context, but I agree that you're not like, I'm going shopping for panties today.

• 1:29:42Dax Shepard?

  What would you say, unmentionables?

• 1:29:44Speaker 01

  No underwear.

• 1:29:46Speaker 02

  Personally, that if your testicles.

• 1:29:48Dax Shepard?

  They look like taffy, I gotta add that, yeah, like saltwater taffy.

• 1:29:52Speaker 02

  If you put an ice cube, then the coldness, so maybe the heat had something to do with it.

• 1:29:57Dax Shepard?

  Well, it had enormous amount to do with it, but I'm telling you, even ice cubes would not have rectified this situation. And I put my clothes on so fast and got out of that trailer, you can't imagine.

• 1:30:07Speaker 02

  Have you ever seen kangaroo's balls in Australia? They're just really disturbing.

• 1:30:12Dax Shepard?

  So long, taffy like.

• 1:30:14Speaker 01

  Oh, God. I'm gonna have to do some Googling.

• 1:30:19Dax Shepard?

  I could have put mine in a ponytail.

• 1:30:21Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 1:30:23Speaker 02

  I absolutely love that you say that. When my second book came out, my first book, it was just stuff I'd written. And the second book, they said, what's your book gonna be about? And I said, I'll go to a nudist colony, because I'd never read anything about it. And I don't even like walking around my house barefoot. I'm the last person to go to a nudist colony. And I kept putting it off. And then my editor found a place, and it turned out to be a senior citizens nudist trailer park in upstate New York. So I went and I lived in a trailer. So I would get to my trailer and I would put my clothes on. And then someone knocked on the door and I'm like, just a minute. I'm racing to take my clothes off, because if you answered the girl with your clothes on, they'd be like, what's going on here? It was opposite land. I was invited to somebody's house for dinner, naked.

• 1:31:06Speaker 02

  And I went naked and you bring a towel and then naked.

• 1:31:10Dax Shepard?

  You did that for how long?

• 1:31:12Speaker 02

  Ten days.

• 1:31:12Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 1:31:13Dax Shepard?

  That's the problem. I have seen enough documentaries about nudist colonies. It's just not what you want it to be. It doesn't attract the people you want to see.

• 1:31:23Speaker 02

  And this is senior citizens nudist, so they were playing the tonk a lot, which is a game where you take a metal ball and you toss it. And then the game's over and you go and you bend over and collect. So you were seeing people's assholes. They had a snack bar and the waitress would have a tampon string hanging out.

• 1:31:39Speaker 01

  No. No.

• 1:31:42Speaker 02

  People would come out of the bathroom and they'd have a big ring around their bottom, so you would know exactly. Because sometimes people go in the bathroom and you think, oh, maybe they needed to wash their hands or something.

• 1:31:51Dax Shepard?

  Clean out their seersucker suit.

• 1:31:54Speaker 01

  Wow, what a thing to do.

• 1:31:57Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, it's not sexy. You don't want it to be sexy.

• 1:32:00Speaker 01

  It's not sexy.

• 1:32:01Dax Shepard?

  If there's dick and balls around, I'm gonna stare at them. I can't imagine myself getting immune to it.

• 1:32:07Speaker 02

  You know, I think being gay and being in a locker room or something, you're always kind of living in fear that someone's gonna say, "What are you staring?" You know?

• 1:32:15Dax Shepard?

  Yes, yes.

• 1:32:16Speaker 02

  You're just extra super conscious.

• 1:32:18Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, that's my straight privilege. I can totally stare at dicks and balls.

• 1:32:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:32:22Dax Shepard?

  And no one thinks anything. It's not dangerous for me.

• 1:32:25Speaker 02

  But I always thought, people are just so wasting their time when they're thinking about like, trans women in the bathroom. Hey, there's nothing to look at in the bathroom. And a trans woman is like, that's gay people you don't want in the locker room. You know what I mean? But not that they're gonna attack you, but they're gonna appreciate, you know, they're gonna be looking at you in a way.

• 1:32:41Dax Shepard?

  Well, my bigger issue is, it's always the same thing. No one's worried about a trans man going into the bathroom. They're worried about a trans woman going into the girls' bathroom.

• 1:32:49Speaker 02

  Right.

• 1:32:50Dax Shepard?

  So they believe that this person is a predator who will abuse children. And they're like, they can't be in the girls' bathroom. They must be in the boys' bathroom. There's no concern that the boys are gonna get molested by this predator. It's just like, they're with girls, they can't be with girls, they must be with the young little boys. Nothing got safer. You prioritize little girls getting molested over little boys. Does that make sense?

• 1:33:13Speaker 02

  Yeah. But I haven't read about a single person being attacked in the bathroom.

• 1:33:16Dax Shepard?

  No, no, no. It's a complete, it's craziness. And how you're monitoring this, let's say it passed. No trans women in the bathroom. Is someone at the door checking dicks and genitals? Is that what we're all signing up for? No trans men in the bathroom? I have to show my dick and balls are going to the... I mean, try to work out how it's gonna be enforced, and I'm not clear.

• 1:33:36Speaker 02

  You know, when people were ragging on Ellen DeGeneres, and I don't know her, I've never met her, but I think she did so much more for gay rights than most activists, because people watched her and people grew to love her. And then she said, "I'm a lesbian," and they were like... Okay.

• 1:33:53Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. I already love you, too late.

• 1:33:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, and I just think trans people need that. Because I can't think of a single one that I've met who's, I was like, oh, get that tiresome asshole away from me.

• 1:34:05Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:34:05Speaker 02

  I just can't think of, and that doesn't mean that they're all lovely, but I was in Australia and I went into a drugstore and there was a trans woman working in the drugstore and she had a real personality and she's like, oh, do you want to take that packaging off that before you leave? It hurt me to think that anyone might not wish her the best.

• 1:34:23Dax Shepard?

  Totally agree.

• 1:34:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, but I agree with you, that's how all things become palatable. You meet people who you like, who are of different religions, races, all of these things, and then you're like, oh, that's fine now.

• 1:34:36Dax Shepard?

  Most hardcore racists, they've never even been in class with a black kid. They don't know any black folks. They hate them, but they've never, ever even met them. Is generally the case.

• 1:34:45Speaker 02

  Did you watch Sing Sing?

• 1:34:46Dax Shepard?

  Yes.

• 1:34:47Speaker 01

  We had Coleman Domingo on for that.

• 1:34:49Speaker 02

  Oh, you did? Because when I said earlier that when Don, you know, prisoners would come get out of prison and stay at our house, when I saw that movie, I thought, I should take prisoners in my house. Because when he got out of prison at the end, I was so glad to see that his friend was there waiting for him. But I thought, oh, I want him to come and live in my house and then find a job and I'll be that step between. And again, it's not like he was really in prison, it's just that movie made me...

• 1:35:16Dax Shepard?

  You want Coleman Domingo to come live in your house?

• 1:35:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:35:19Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:35:20Speaker 01

  I can relate.

• 1:35:20Speaker 02

  He was on the show?

• 1:35:22Dax Shepard?

  Yes, I love him.

• 1:35:24Speaker 01

  He's pretty special.

• 1:35:25Dax Shepard?

  Do you know him?

• 1:35:26Speaker 02

  No.

• 1:35:26Dax Shepard?

  Oh, he is as special as they get.

• 1:35:29Speaker 02

  Is he pretty tall?

• 1:35:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:35:30Dax Shepard?

  He's tall, he's got gorgeous legs, he was wearing short shorts.

• 1:35:34Speaker 01

  As you know, amazing fashion.

• 1:35:36Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, he's crazy into fashion. Okay, but I want to really, really beg people to go see you in person, reading your stuff. It's so, so fun, I've done it, and you're going to 40 cities and... I think people would be shocked how close you'll probably be to where they live. It's not like you're just in major cities. You're in Akron, you're in Fort Wayne, you're in Burlington, Albany. You're all over the place. People should go to david sedaris books.com and get tickets. It's such a fun evening. And if you want to hear him ask you a weird question, very high likelihood that'll happen if you stay in line. You'll talk to everybody and you'll write something very inappropriate in their book.

• 1:36:20Dax Shepard?

  You'll ask them a very inappropriate question. It promises to be a real experience.

• 1:36:25Speaker 02

  That's nice of you to say.

• 1:36:27Dax Shepard?

  And also for anyone who's not listened to the audio book of Happy Go Lucky, I really recommend it because themes and variations, that recording of that story is from a live show. And the amount of laughs in that, you don't pound for pound here, comedians really getting that long of laughs. It's such a funny piece and to be in an audience listening to it, I think is so great.

• 1:36:51Speaker 02

  Well, I want to do my whole next book completely live.

• 1:36:54Speaker 01

  Ooh.

• 1:36:55Dax Shepard?

  That's a good idea.

• 1:36:56Speaker 02

  Well, because sometimes if you record it in the studio, then it can be edited in such a way that it fucks your timing up. But if you're doing it live, then you can't.

• 1:37:04Speaker 01

  I like that.

• 1:37:05Dax Shepard?

  That and you're getting real time feedback of what part we want to sit in for a second. Is it possible for you to really know what part we'd like to sit in for a second? But the audience forces you to sit in some things.

• 1:37:19Speaker 02

  I tried reading something about going to Fiji. I wrote it when he and I were in Hawaii, but I was on tour, but I had a five day break in the tour. So I read something out loud and then I go back to the room and rewrite it and read it out loud. Cause you read it out loud and you think, oh, I thought people could relate. People can't relate to this. So how do I make this more relatable? And people are just confused by that. So let's get rid of that. Ultimately, you could have an editor telling you that, but I'd rather you be the editor.

• 1:37:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:37:48Dax Shepard?

  You're working in like a stand-up routine in some way, and I think that's kind of cool and novel.

• 1:37:52Speaker 02

  So I have new stuff. A lot of times people are, oh, you're going to be reading from your books. I don't know. I never do that.

• 1:37:58Dax Shepard?

  Right, right, right, right. So anyways, everybody go. Go to david sedarsbooks.com and please go see David live before you perish because it's totally worth the trip. And then yes, listen to Happy Go Lucky because I had so much fun re-listening. I adore you.

• 1:38:12Speaker 02

  Oh, thank you so much for having me.

• 1:38:14Speaker 01

  You are, you I think have the crown for the most.

• 1:38:17Dax Shepard?

  You're our Alex Baldwin.

• 1:38:18Speaker 01

  Let's keep it up. Keep coming back, please. Every armchair, if you ask anyone like, who are your favorite guests?

• 1:38:23Dax Shepard?

  We pull them.

• 1:38:23Speaker 01

  You always come up.

• 1:38:25Speaker 02

  I meet so many people who listen to your podcast in Australia. I even met a lot of people who listen.

• 1:38:31Dax Shepard?

  We want to go there and do a live show.

• 1:38:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's what I say. Go see him live. That's what I say.

• 1:38:36Dax Shepard?

  That's exactly what I told him to do. All right. Love you.

• 1:38:40Speaker 02

  Love you.

• 1:38:41Dax Shepard?

  See you around soon.

• 1:38:41Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 1:38:44Speaker 03

  Stay tuned for the fact check. It's where the party's at.

• 1:38:52Dax Shepard?

  You're stressed out?

• 1:38:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, but I'm trying not to be stressed out because

• 1:39:02Speaker 01

  Buddhism.

• 1:39:03Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:39:04Speaker 01

  I'm trying. I was yesterday.

• 1:39:06Dax Shepard?

  Did you get impacted by the?

• 1:39:07Speaker 01

  Extremely impacted by White Lotus, the valley. We won't talk about it with the details because you haven't finished, but I do want to talk about it overall. There are so many parts of the whole season. The whole season is about, I mean, the whole series is really about Buddhism, I think. But this season specifically is, is like, you know, kind of hitting you over the head with it a little bit.

• 1:39:34Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. In the most realistic way.

• 1:39:37Speaker 01

  Yes. He, oh my God, I just, I just think Mike White is

• 1:39:44Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:39:44Speaker 01

  So brilliant in his accuracy. Like everything, every storyline is so accurate, but so funny. He dabbles in Buddhism, so it comes through in all the seasons, I think. Because I think what they're all saying in different ways, obviously, the first season is a class, is speaking to class, you know? And second season is speaking to relationships, and then this one is religion, that it's, he just shows over and over again how

• 1:40:22Speaker 01

  flimsy our grasp on reality is.

• 1:40:27Dax Shepard?

  Uh huh.

• 1:40:28Speaker 01

  Like what we think is true to us and what our identities are and who we are. And even our beliefs are so flimsy. Everything is so tenuous.

• 1:40:41Dax Shepard?

  A lot of artifice around, what is at the end of the day? Another animal on planet earth. But we've created all these things and manufactured things. And then, yeah, we have institutions of thought and they all feel really substantial and permanent and real.

• 1:40:56Speaker 01

  Nothing's real.

• 1:40:57Dax Shepard?

  But it's just all stuff we made and it's ideas we thought up and told other people and they caught on. We're just here, I was thinking in the simplest terms, they were going to breakfast. They're always going to breakfast on the show and it seems so fun. I get like so excited at the notion of being at a hotel and going and getting breakfast when I see the scenes. And I go, oh yes, breakfast is so fun. And then I go, yeah, cause it's eating.

• 1:41:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:41:24Dax Shepard?

  It's the essential thing we, we, we really do have a purpose, which is we have to eat food. That's like one of our purposes. Like the most consistent source of joy in your life is eating. You like, you're almost guaranteed three times a day to have this like fun pick me up.

• 1:41:37Speaker 01

  Not anymore for a lot of people.

• 1:41:40Dax Shepard?

  Well, true, that's a good, bring up Ozemp.

• 1:41:43Speaker 01

  I know. Peptides.

• 1:41:44Dax Shepard?

  Does that make any sense? I was like, it's, oh yeah, it's not a mystery why breakfast, lunch and dinner is so fun because we have to eat to stay alive. That's our purpose.

• 1:41:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, but we, we, then we put so much on top of it. The expense, like I'm going to a fancy restaurant tonight. That proves that I, I'm.

• 1:42:04Dax Shepard?

  I'm doing.

• 1:42:05Speaker 01

  Valuable in society and that people want to be, I'm superior. Like we put, we make all these hierarchies and, um, and it's all, it's all made up. Like everything is made up. I was, cause yesterday I was walking to go somewhere to work. And I like sat down with my computer and I thought, how do Buddhists work? Like I don't want to do like, what is the point of this? What is the point of sitting here and picking apart this? Conversation and making it sound good and all of this is for money and like, why?

• 1:42:46Dax Shepard?

  Well, hold on. No.

• 1:42:48Speaker 01

  Why?

• 1:42:49Dax Shepard?

  There's a very Buddhist approach to work. Yeah, you should definitely. No. Well, if you make it about money, then yes. Being diligent and meticulous and thoughtful and mindful about process is very Buddhist.

• 1:43:04Speaker 01

  It is, I know.

• 1:43:06Dax Shepard?

  And.

• 1:43:07Speaker 01

  I know. But for me, there's stress on it, right? Like, I'm doing it so that it's so good, so that we are able to have all these downloads and then we're able to earn our money. And it's all like, and I'm able to, to feel comfortable in that big house. And I like, it's all dumb.

• 1:43:32Dax Shepard?

  You're having a real reckoning.

• 1:43:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's all dumb. And it is so, so ironic and so stupid. But I, the weekend started, I mean, again, this is like a bottle. This isn't a bottle episode, but it kind of is.

• 1:43:48Dax Shepard?

  You love your bottle episodes. Yeah, yeah. You want to keep them going.

• 1:43:51Speaker 01

  On Friday, I mean, on Saturday, I went shopping with Callie.

• 1:43:54Dax Shepard?

  Uh huh.

• 1:43:55Speaker 01

  And as we love to do.

• 1:43:57Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, and you went to a new store.

• 1:43:58Speaker 01

  I went to a new store that I was really excited to go to. That's a fancy store that, you know, you walk in and you do, it's very Pretty Woman. You come in and you have to prove yourself there a little bit. And, um, Callie even said, she was like.

• 1:44:13Dax Shepard?

  Opposite of Costco. I'm just finishing the acquired Costco episode.

• 1:44:16Speaker 01

  Completely opposite of Costco. Costco's a fantastic company. Like, when we walked up, they said, do you have an appointment? And we said, no. And then, and then they said, okay, it's fine. How many? And we said, two. And they said, we could go in. While we were there, there was a watch.

• 1:44:33Dax Shepard?

  Beautiful watch.

• 1:44:35Speaker 01

  There was a gorgeous watch, two, actually. And the first one I tried on. Was gold Cartier, beautiful. It has like this tiny face. I love, I love a tiny face.

• 1:44:48Dax Shepard?

  You love a tiny face, yeah. I like a bigger face.

• 1:44:50Speaker 01

  I love it. It's so tiny, you wouldn't believe it.

• 1:44:54Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 1:44:54Speaker 01

  And it's vintage, it's from like the twenties.

• 1:44:56Dax Shepard?

  Magnifying glass to see what time it is?

• 1:44:58Speaker 01

  Almost, almost.

• 1:44:59Dax Shepard?

  What if it came with its own matching magnifying glass you kept in your pocket?

• 1:45:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:45:03Dax Shepard?

  But it was tiny too.

• 1:45:04Speaker 01

  It's so tiny and you know, I put it on and it was beautiful. And then he said the price. I was like,

• 1:45:11Dax Shepard?

  You had to tell your face not to react?

• 1:45:12Speaker 01

  Yes. And I was kinda like, get it off. Like, I can't. It shouldn't be on me. Like, get it off.

• 1:45:18Dax Shepard?

  How much was it?

• 1:45:19Speaker 01

  Fifty thousand.

• 1:45:20Dax Shepard?

  Oh, cowabunga. Yeah.

• 1:45:24Speaker 01

  So he took it off and then, but there was this other one I had seen and Cal was like, maybe you should try on that other one. He put it on my wrist, white gold Cartier, tiny face, also vintage. I mean, it is so pretty. It looks great on my wrist.

• 1:45:42Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:45:42Speaker 01

  It's extremely unique.

• 1:45:45Dax Shepard?

  Uh huh.

• 1:45:45Speaker 01

  Asked the price, he told me. It was significantly cheaper than the first one.

• 1:45:51Dax Shepard?

  Right.

• 1:45:52Speaker 01

  So then it felt.

• 1:45:53Dax Shepard?

  Like a bargain.

• 1:45:54Speaker 01

  Felt cheap. I said, I'm gonna think about it.

• 1:45:57Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, okay.

• 1:45:58Speaker 01

  Took it off. Callie made me promise her I wouldn't buy it that day.

• 1:46:02Dax Shepard?

  Good girl, Callie. Good girl.

• 1:46:05Speaker 01

  She said, that's something to think about.

• 1:46:07Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, that's a think about purchase.

• 1:46:09Speaker 01

  And I said, sure, yes, that's right. And I.

• 1:46:13Dax Shepard?

  Just wait till you watch White Lotus on Sunday.

• 1:46:15Speaker 01

  Well, that's where this is going.

• 1:46:17Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 1:46:17Speaker 01

  So I was ruminating on this watch for forty-eight hours, basically.

• 1:46:25Dax Shepard?

  We spoke about it even, yeah.

• 1:46:26Speaker 01

  Yes. And I, you know, I was like, really? You know, I was looking on the internet to see if I could find anything like it.

• 1:46:34Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, you couldn't.

• 1:46:35Speaker 01

  No.

• 1:46:36Dax Shepard?

  Cause my first thing would simply be. Anything vintage at a really nice store, they're marking it up a hundred percent. So why not find it in the wild if you really want it?

• 1:46:47Speaker 01

  Well, I've, I've been scouring.

• 1:46:49Dax Shepard?

  And you couldn't do it.

• 1:46:51Speaker 01

  It's nowhere to be found.

• 1:46:52Dax Shepard?

  They found the only one.

• 1:46:53Speaker 01

  And, um, and so, you know, then I was like, God, should I do it? And then I've been asking people and of course, some people are like, absolutely not, no.

• 1:47:03Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:47:03Speaker 01

  And then some people are like, well, I mean, like it is an investment. It's a, you know, people do that. So anyway, I, you know, I've been doing this whole thing all weekend. Lot of math, lot of thought about this watch and, and then I'm wa, I am watching the episode.

• 1:47:23Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:47:23Speaker 01

  And there's a scene.

• 1:47:26Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:47:27Speaker 01

  There's a scene with the mother and the daughter. Have you got there?

• 1:47:30Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:47:30Speaker 01

  Okay. Or basically the daughter who's been, she's there to become Buddhist. She wants to go to this monastery or she wants to live there for a year.

• 1:47:38Dax Shepard?

  Yes.

• 1:47:39Speaker 01

  And the mom says, you need to stay there for one night.

• 1:47:43Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:47:43Speaker 01

  And like, if you're fine with that, then okay.

• 1:47:46Dax Shepard?

  We sign off.

• 1:47:47Speaker 01

  Which seemed like an easy thing to do, right?

• 1:47:49Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:47:50Speaker 01

  And she goes and she comes back and essentially, if you haven't watched this yet, maybe turn it off, but like.

• 1:47:56Dax Shepard?

  Oh, fast forward is what you want to do. Yeah, yeah.

• 1:47:58Speaker 01

  Um, she's crying.

• 1:48:01Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:48:02Speaker 01

  Because she just can't do it.

• 1:48:04Dax Shepard?

  Yep.

• 1:48:05Speaker 01

  She's crying because she's spoiled and she says, I'm just so spoiled.

• 1:48:10Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:48:11Speaker 01

  And, but even the fact that she's, she's, she's a victim in that is also funny to me, like.

• 1:48:19Dax Shepard?

  Well, I took it as she was really disappointed in herself.

• 1:48:22Speaker 01

  She was, but it is like, I don't know. She's getting comforted because she's so spoiled. She can't live in a monastery, you know? I don't know. Anyway, she basically says like, I can't do it. And the mom is like, I know you can't.

• 1:48:39Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:48:40Speaker 01

  And she basically gives sort of a disgusting, but in some ways scarily.

• 1:48:48Speaker 01

  Viable reason for for why they should be spending their money and living rich.

• 1:48:55Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:48:56Speaker 01

  And I I was just like, oh, my God.

• 1:49:00Dax Shepard?

  How we twist.

• 1:49:01Speaker 01

  This is. Yeah. Oh, and then there's for me, the most poignant scene in the well, there's a few.

• 1:49:09Dax Shepard?

  Fast forward, but he basically asked these his family members if they can live without money. Is that what you're gonna say?

• 1:49:14Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 1:49:15Dax Shepard?

  That's the one that really hit me. So that one hit you. The one that hit me was like, you know, yeah, the dad's finding out if these kids can live without money. His wife's already told him she can't.

• 1:49:27Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 1:49:27Dax Shepard?

  You know, I'm sitting there going like, yeah, if someone asks me that question, it feels like a way bigger proposition than I want it to feel like.

• 1:49:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:49:37Dax Shepard?

  I mean, it feels embarrassingly like I've become dependent on this thing. This thing gives me comfort.

• 1:49:46Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 1:49:46Dax Shepard?

  Like, I think a less generous version is like, people want to feel superior. I don't I don't know if it's that dark for most people. Most people just want to know, like, I did good. I did good. There was like, you could do good or you could do bad. You could try hard or you could not try. You could study. You could like.

• 1:50:03Speaker 01

  Mm hmm.

• 1:50:04Dax Shepard?

  You I, OK, yeah, I did good. I did all the things I was supposed to, and I did good.

• 1:50:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's part of it.

• 1:50:11Dax Shepard?

  Much less than like, oh, I'm way better than Mike, who can't own a pontoon boat.

• 1:50:17Speaker 01

  Subconscious, like, it's not.

• 1:50:20Dax Shepard?

  It's murky.

• 1:50:21Speaker 01

  It's it is a I did good. But with the I did good comes subconsciously some on this hierarchy of of humanity.

• 1:50:33Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:50:34Speaker 01

  I have achieved a position that's fairly high up.

• 1:50:40Dax Shepard?

  Well, I totally agree with you on.

• 1:50:42Speaker 01

  Wild and dumb.

• 1:50:43Dax Shepard?

  What's dangerous is what you're really afraid to lose is actually not the trip or the first class. It's the.

• 1:50:55Dax Shepard?

  Pride that you did good. The notion that without those symbols of that, you could no longer say, I did good.

• 1:51:03Speaker 01

  But that's

• 1:51:03Dax Shepard?

  Which is a terrible way to evaluate your life, because

• 1:51:06Speaker 01

  It's also not

• 1:51:07Dax Shepard?

  Good friend and a good parent.

• 1:51:08Speaker 01

  Also, what if your job is you go work at the nursing home? You did fucking good.

• 1:51:14Dax Shepard?

  Oh, yeah, yeah. Actual good.

• 1:51:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:51:16Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:51:17Speaker 01

  But they don't have money and Cartier watches to show for that.

• 1:51:22Dax Shepard?

  Right.

• 1:51:23Speaker 01

  They're all presentations. I mean, it's so depressing. Like, it is so. Mike White says, you know, identity, what Buddhists believe, identity is suffering, you know, that is what causes it. You're tied to your identity.

• 1:51:39Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:51:40Speaker 01

  And yes, and it can cause pride.

• 1:51:42Dax Shepard?

  And even the belief that you have an identity.

• 1:51:45Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:51:45Dax Shepard?

  Because Buddhists are like, it's contextual. You're a different version in every single environment you enter.

• 1:51:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:51:51Dax Shepard?

  And this obsession with, no, it's one, I have one thing in all environments and in all contexts.

• 1:51:56Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:51:57Dax Shepard?

  Creates all this suffering.

• 1:51:59Speaker 01

  Right, exactly. That's the whole point is nothing's fundamental, nothing's fundamental. It's all based on where you are.

• 1:52:07Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:52:08Speaker 01

  Who you are in that moment, what you believe in that moment, but could change at any second. But there is, I do think, one thing that is, that is fundamental, which is love. Like, that is part of this show, this series, but also the season two, where like, one of the characters has the most bizarre arc of the whole, I think, of anyone. Saxon, that character. Where he's like, repugnant.

• 1:52:41Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:52:42Speaker 01

  And very much tied to money and

• 1:52:46Dax Shepard?

  Being a successful businessman, like his father.

• 1:52:48Speaker 01

  Exactly. You know, masculinity.

• 1:52:51Dax Shepard?

  Being alpha.

• 1:52:52Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:52:52Dax Shepard?

  In the worst version.

• 1:52:53Speaker 01

  And then, by the end, he, like,

• 1:52:59Speaker 01

  Two of the character, he sees love for real.

• 1:53:02Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:53:03Speaker 01

  He witnesses it.

• 1:53:04Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:53:05Speaker 01

  And he is about to, he's like crying.

• 1:53:08Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:53:09Speaker 01

  Because he wants, he wants that. That's really what is all there is to have.

• 1:53:15Dax Shepard?

  That's right. Yeah.

• 1:53:16Speaker 01

  So I'm not getting my watch.

• 1:53:18Dax Shepard?

  But I think the distinction between who is made miserable and who is it not is, is their identity just that achievement or not? I think it's tempting to just evaluate like expensive stuff is bad or expensive life is bad. And I don't, I'm not willing to go there.

• 1:53:40Speaker 01

  Mm hmm.

• 1:53:40Dax Shepard?

  I think having your identity.

• 1:53:43Speaker 01

  Tied to.

• 1:53:44Dax Shepard?

  Completely anchored to that is very bad. Now, I've loved Buddhism and I've been reading it and I really like it and it brings me a lot of perspective.

• 1:53:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:53:53Dax Shepard?

  But I'm also gonna say, the world can't be Buddhists. They could be.

• 1:53:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:53:58Dax Shepard?

  We would not have vaccines. We would not have medicine. We would not have all the many things that we also really like and think are beneficial for mankind.

• 1:54:08Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 1:54:09Dax Shepard?

  That's not their pursuit. Their pursuit is acceptance and harmony. So, you know, I can't go fall. I don't think I'm, I'm willing to go full in on the whole world should be Buddhists and no craving and no striving and all that stuff. Because I also don't, I don't, I think we're in a much, much different world. Um, but maybe you could argue maybe everyone would be happier, but they'd be dying much sooner and there'd be no solutions for a lot of things we want solutions for.

• 1:54:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, they don't think like that.

• 1:54:36Dax Shepard?

  They're not gonna, they're not gonna band together to come up with the huge hydroelectric power plant or the sanitation system or that. That's not what they're gonna do. They're gonna live.

• 1:54:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:54:45Dax Shepard?

  Very simply in harmony.

• 1:54:46Speaker 01

  I mean, they're not gonna try to anti-age. No, they're gonna, they're gonna, they're accepting that this is one.

• 1:54:56Dax Shepard?

  For them one.

• 1:54:57Speaker 01

  Droplet out of the ocean and we come back to it. I do. Think it's a very beautiful idea that we come back and we find this. We find our people again.

• 1:55:10Dax Shepard?

  I like that a lot.

• 1:55:11Speaker 01

  In different forms. I think I believe it. Like, there are people in my life that I feel I I've I've known.

• 1:55:20Dax Shepard?

  You've done this dance before.

• 1:55:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, in a different, who knows, like, who knows in what way?

• 1:55:25Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah. Here's a scene I thought you were responding to. Is the teacher is saying, often we wake up with anxiety.

• 1:55:33Speaker 01

  Why? What did he say? I don't remember.

• 1:55:36Dax Shepard?

  He's like, we wake up with anxiety and we're uncertain about what'll happen in the day and we have fear. And so what we do is we reach for our identity or our ego. I don't remember the exact words. But we reach for that thing to comfort us.

• 1:55:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:55:52Dax Shepard?

  And I like anytime AA is great at doing this. Anytime that someone acknowledges what's the real feelings are. Like, yes, I wake up with anxiety all the time. That's the that's my roughest part of the day is right when I wake up. Because it's like, yes, what could go wrong today? What's what has to be done that I'm afraid I can't accomplish all the all this stuff? And so it's almost CBT to just go, oh, yeah, they've been already acknowledging this for a long time. And they're basically just saying, observe it as well. There's a little distance from it. There's an acknowledgement. It's very human.

• 1:56:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:56:28Dax Shepard?

  It's standard. That's what's very comforting to me about Buddhism. It's like, yes, these feelings are very normal to humans. And here's what you will normally do to try to push the fear away. Um, and here's another thing you could do. And and I like that part.

• 1:56:48Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:56:48Dax Shepard?

  The kind of global judgment of things. It gets too dogmatic into like every other religion for me at that point. If there's like this big judgment. About other things.

• 1:57:00Speaker 01

  I don't think, it's not a judgment. It's, it's an acknowledgement that the way modern humans, mostly, not all.

• 1:57:07Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:57:08Speaker 01

  Walk through the world is doing us a disservice. Like is cause, we are causing ourselves so much suffering in pursuit.

• 1:57:19Dax Shepard?

  Of pleasure.

• 1:57:20Speaker 01

  Of pleasure, yeah.

• 1:57:21Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah. Yeah, on the worse side and then just safety, which is defendable. But for all of it, there's always these, you know, there's just too many great exceptions for all of it. So it's like, I immediately think of Bill Gates. Like, here's a guy who, per a Buddhist assessment, has generated way too much of everything. Money.

• 1:57:39Speaker 01

  Mm hmm.

• 1:57:39Dax Shepard?

  Create all these products. Um, but that's clearly not his identity because he's giving everything he's made away. And he's impacting the world in measurably tens of thousands of lives saved. And so the whole endeavor is outside of that belief system. And I think really valid and admirable.

• 1:58:03Speaker 01

  Right. But I guess they would say that's his identity, he doesn't have one. He's a person that did those things.

• 1:58:11Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, well, I think his identity is kinda like Rockefeller's, which is like, I was put here, I was given this crazy gift. It allowed me to generate all this thing and pool this money so that I can go fix things. Like, that's their identity and it's a cool one. I support it.

• 1:58:30Speaker 01

  Right, yeah. I mean, I hear what you're saying, but I guess the goal, I, I think, is that you aren't doing any of that. You aren't doing that. You're not like saying my identity is that I help people, even that. Like that you, you don't put the labels on yourself because they're, they're, as they would say, a prison. Your identity is a prison. It's a cage.

• 1:58:56Dax Shepard?

  Uh huh.

• 1:58:57Speaker 01

  Whether it's a be, a good cage, whether it's an admirable cage or not, it's still a constriction.

• 1:59:04Dax Shepard?

  Yep, that's true.

• 1:59:05Speaker 01

  Anyway.

• 1:59:06Dax Shepard?

  Anywho, wow.

• 1:59:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's a lot to sit with.

• 1:59:10Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:59:10Speaker 01

  I'm not getting my watch. I am wearing another watch I have right now.

• 1:59:15Dax Shepard?

  I bet a lot of people listening would go like, I can't relate to this at all. But I would say, ask yourself. If you could move to a place that's half the size that you currently live in. That's all that's happening. It's like, it's the proposition of having less than you have.

• 1:59:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:59:33Dax Shepard?

  And I think that's a universal fear.

• 1:59:35Speaker 01

  It's not a, I mean, yeah, we, we brought in material items and, and, and things, but it's just about the, the treadmill, the treadmill every person is on.

• 1:59:46Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:59:47Speaker 01

  To get to the next rung.

• 1:59:49Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:59:50Speaker 01

  No satisfaction, real satisfaction, that we're all doing that, wherever you are on this ladder.

• 1:59:57Dax Shepard?

  Yes.

• 1:59:57Speaker 01

  And that's the whole thing that is causing pain.

• 2:00:02Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 2:00:03Speaker 01

  So I.

• 2:00:05Dax Shepard?

  You're Buddhist.

• 2:00:06Speaker 01

  I'm quitting.

• 2:00:07Dax Shepard?

  Quitting everything.

• 2:00:08Speaker 01

  I'm selling my house. And I'm not buying that watch, I'll tell you that.

• 2:00:13Dax Shepard?

  I do think it has the, a little bit of appeal that a geographic has. And people didn't listen to that episode 10 years ago. Uh, but a geographic is a common solution for addicts. It's also a common solution for people with mental health disorders. I'm gonna go somewhere else and I won't have my problems there.

• 2:00:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:00:32Dax Shepard?

  And I do think there's a little bit of a fantasy. What I, I think if you sold everything and you quit your job and you got into this one bedroom, tiny bachelor thing, I don't believe your happiness or fulfillment or purpose is going up. I don't. I think you're gonna get in that little box and go, huh, wow, okay, I did all that. Because that was gonna result in something.

• 2:00:54Speaker 01

  Well, no. If you are truly committed to Buddhism.

• 2:00:59Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 2:01:00Speaker 01

  There isn't a goal. You, you're there, you, you are present. That's the goal. Like, it's not.

• 2:01:07Dax Shepard?

  I agree.

• 2:01:08Speaker 01

  It's not even, enlightenment isn't.

• 2:01:10Dax Shepard?

  I'm just saying, I think if you did all that and you pursued all that, you would get to a point where like, I could have done all this and not changed anything.

• 2:01:18Speaker 01

  Well, I'm gonna try. I don't know. I, it's just, it's just a lot. Like, it's hard to look around. It's hard to have this sense of like, that's correct. Like, I, I think that's correct, that our identities are, are prisons.

• 2:01:33Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 2:01:34Speaker 01

  Yet, I have constructed a, a hard identity for myself and I know that.

• 2:01:40Dax Shepard?

  Yes.

• 2:01:40Speaker 01

  And so to carry both, like, to know I'm doing a thing.

• 2:01:47Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 2:01:47Speaker 01

  That I know. I'm participating in a thing.

• 2:01:50Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 2:01:51Speaker 01

  That I actually know is not the ideal way.

• 2:01:56Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 2:01:57Speaker 01

  That's like a hard thing for me currently today.

• 2:02:00Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 2:02:00Speaker 01

  To reconcile.

• 2:02:02Dax Shepard?

  I think fully committing to a singular view, I just, I like nuance and moderation. It's like, no, there's some good tenants.

• 2:02:09Speaker 01

  Mm hmm.

• 2:02:09Dax Shepard?

  And there's lots of great points to, that bring to your attention that you should observe and and track.

• 2:02:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:02:16Dax Shepard?

  And you can improve on. But like, is full Buddhist the correct thing or not Buddhist at all, the capitalist thing, correct? I guess I'm just like, no, again, they're just two stories. They have valid points and you try to make the version that leaves you.

• 2:02:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:02:34Dax Shepard?

  With the most peace and contentment.

• 2:02:36Speaker 01

  I think most people could never.

• 2:02:38Dax Shepard?

  Achieve.

• 2:02:39Speaker 01

  Achieve.

• 2:02:40Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 2:02:40Speaker 01

  Full, full enlightenment.

• 2:02:42Dax Shepard?

  Monkhood.

• 2:02:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, or be like truly Buddhist. I don't, so yeah, every, everyone who believes, not everyone, but most people who believe any of this is, you are combining it with the reality of, especially in this country, with our world, you know, with our.

• 2:02:59Dax Shepard?

  Reality.

• 2:03:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, that's interesting.

• 2:03:06Speaker 04

  Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare.

• 2:03:13Dax Shepard?

  We get support from Superhuman. Look, I love what I do. The conversations, the ideas, the creative stuff, but there's this whole other layer of work that eats my day alive. The inbox that never ends. Docs I need to get through, threads I'm behind on, and by the time I've dealt with all that, the stuff I actually want to focus on gets whatever's left. What I needed was something that just works where I'm already working. Not another tab to open, not another thing to set up. Superhuman Go, from the makers of Grammarly, is different. It's already right there. Inside your email, your docs, your browser, you don't go to it, it's already working alongside you. You're deep in a long thread, highlight it and it pulls the key points. About to send something important? It flags what doesn't add up.

• 2:03:57Dax Shepard?

  Before it leaves your hands, it knows your style, your workflows, and it just backs you up without getting in the way. A thought partner that's already up to speed at your service, not after your job. So do yourself a favor and try Superhuman Go from the makers of Grammarly. Find out more at superhuman.com.

• 2:04:24Speaker 01

  Anyway.

• 2:04:25Dax Shepard?

  Anyhow.

• 2:04:25Speaker 01

  Okay. This is for David Sedaris.

• 2:04:28Dax Shepard?

  Oh, boy, oh, boy. The fun thing about Sedaris, aside from that, he's just so perfect every time.

• 2:04:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:04:35Dax Shepard?

  Is it always reinvigorates me to go back and re-listen to all the stuff. And I've just, since we've interviewed him, I've just been on a tear of listening to all his stuff.

• 2:04:44Speaker 01

  So fun.

• 2:04:45Dax Shepard?

  Listen, this incredible one in Happy Go Lucky and actual, and the specific story is Lady Marmalade.

• 2:04:54Speaker 01

  Hmm, okay, great.

• 2:04:55Dax Shepard?

  It's wild, the stuff he is able to cover.

• 2:04:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, he's incredible. He's just incredible.

• 2:05:02Dax Shepard?

  It's kind of Mike Whitey, actually. He's just so brutally honest with it. Uh, the Marmalade story is about like, over the years, the many weird things his dad did that were very perverse, but didn't seem to cross the ultimate line for him. I was also, it was the seventies or something, whatever.

• 2:05:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:05:22Dax Shepard?

  But like he examined, he wanted to examine, um, David's asshole at one point because he is, his stomach hurt. And he's like, you probably have hemorrhoids. And he was like, didn't know what that was. And his dad made him bend over the counter and he looked at his ass. Now, as he said, he didn't like put his finger in his butt or anything, but he definitely like examined it. He said, as if he were looking at a gem.

• 2:05:43Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 2:05:45Dax Shepard?

  And he did that three times throughout his childhood. He also wanted, he was very into photography and had these art photo magazines. And he wanted, he asked David's sister when she was 17, if he could take pictures of her topless in the woods.

• 2:06:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:06:00Dax Shepard?

  It's like, uh, very ru- bad.

• 2:06:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, very.

• 2:06:03Dax Shepard?

  This is a series of things and then later, his sister, who ultimately died by suicide or of suicide, accused the dad of sexual abuse.

• 2:06:11Speaker 01

  Really?

• 2:06:12Dax Shepard?

  Um, and then them trying as siblings to, to evaluate whether they believe her or not, which is like so real.

• 2:06:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:06:20Dax Shepard?

  It's just so real. It wouldn't be this way on TV and it wouldn't be this way in the media, but this is really what hap- this is what really happens.

• 2:06:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:06:27Dax Shepard?

  It's such a delicately assembled story.

• 2:06:31Speaker 01

  Okay, now, was there a time where you couldn't order a drink on an airplane because it's Sunday? No. I mean, maybe at some point you couldn't drink at all, obviously, on planes, but state laws regarding alcohol sales such as blue laws do not apply to alcoholic beverages sold on airplanes, even if the state has such laws. Airlines are subject to federal regulations regarding the sale of alcohol, which generally supersedes state laws.

• 2:06:57Dax Shepard?

  If you really step back, it's interesting that they allowed drinking on an airplane.

• 2:07:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know.

• 2:07:02Dax Shepard?

  You got a hundred strangers sitting in a very tight area.

• 2:07:05Speaker 01

  I know.

• 2:07:06Dax Shepard?

  And you're allowing them to get drunk, which we know makes humans unpredictable. You could see where it would have never been allowed.

• 2:07:12Speaker 01

  I agree.

• 2:07:12Dax Shepard?

  I mean, I'm all for it. People are nervous, makes the time go by.

• 2:07:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:07:16Dax Shepard?

  You don't have a problem like me. It's lovely, but it is, it is a curious policy.

• 2:07:22Speaker 01

  It is.

• 2:07:23Dax Shepard?

  Like, they should allow weed, I guess, too, but like, I don't know, mushrooms? Probably not.

• 2:07:28Speaker 01

  Well, weed is different unless they're eating it. Like, you wouldn't want the smoke.

• 2:07:34Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, you wouldn't want the smoke. I, yeah, you're eating it. Yeah.

• 2:07:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, I guess.

• 2:07:37Dax Shepard?

  It's fine, I guess, but there's obviously certain drugs, PCP don't knows.

• 2:07:43Speaker 01

  Well, a legal, a legal drug, I'll probably not allow.

• 2:07:48Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 2:07:49Speaker 01

  Um.

• 2:07:50Dax Shepard?

  Shooting dope, no. Can't have ODs up in the air.

• 2:07:52Speaker 01

  I don't think so. Um, the priest dress, a cassock, Catholic cassock or cassock. Uh, it has thirty-three buttons representing the years of Jesus's life. Anglican cassocks may have thirty-nine buttons symbolizing the thirty-nine Articles of Religion.

• 2:08:13Dax Shepard?

  Right, but I don't know, I didn't know there were thirty-nine Articles of Religion.

• 2:08:17Speaker 01

  I didn't either know that. Okay, I have a surprise.

• 2:08:21Dax Shepard?

  Oh. I like surprises.

• 2:08:23Speaker 01

  I know. I brought everyone one of the books, the book, the children's book, The Story of the Little Mole Who Went in Search of Whodunit. This is the story about the poop on the head. I got one for you too, Rob.

• 2:08:39Dax Shepard?

  And he said it's Ger- well, Werner, yeah, Holesworth. Yeah, these are very German names, Wolf and Werner.

• 2:08:47Speaker 01

  And on the back it says, when little mole looks out of his hole one morning, plop, something lands on his head, whodunit.

• 2:08:53Dax Shepard?

  Oh, and guys, um, just for the, uh, for the viewer, here's a holdup of it and the listener. It's not like a little bit of bird poop, it's a big turd. It's like a soft serve turd. It's covering his entire head.

• 2:09:07Speaker 01

  And there's flies on it.

• 2:09:09Dax Shepard?

  Well, I cannot read this to the children.

• 2:09:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:09:12Dax Shepard?

  This is gonna be right up their alley. They're disgusting like me.

• 2:09:15Speaker 01

  Well, you made them disgusting.

• 2:09:17Dax Shepard?

  I think I did.

• 2:09:18Speaker 01

  Anyway, so this is an exciting.

• 2:09:21Dax Shepard?

  Um, thank you.

• 2:09:22Speaker 01

  Oh, wow, look at this page.

• 2:09:24Dax Shepard?

  Oh, fun. It's a yak dumping big plops of. You would know, you know, whenever you see that horse droppings, which I see on the hiking trail sometimes.

• 2:09:34Speaker 01

  Oh, sure.

• 2:09:35Dax Shepard?

  Make no mistake about it, it's horse dung.

• 2:09:37Speaker 01

  I know.

• 2:09:38Dax Shepard?

  Cause there's like clumps of hay still in it.

• 2:09:40Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 2:09:41Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. I'm so glad we don't eat hay. That's a Buddhist thing. They could probably figure out how to eat hay, but I can't. I wanna eat, I wanna eat ribeye.

• 2:09:53Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, I want a burger. I think I'm gonna have a burger tonight.

• 2:09:56Dax Shepard?

  Oh, burgie?

• 2:09:58Speaker 01

  And it's like so indulgent to eat burgers.

• 2:10:01Dax Shepard?

  Oh, no. I'm not sure how this is gonna work out.

• 2:10:05Speaker 01

  I know, I'm going to New York on Friday.

• 2:10:07Dax Shepard?

  Be a Buddhist when you get home.

• 2:10:09Speaker 01

  Really indulge there.

• 2:10:10Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, no, be a Buddhist when you get home.

• 2:10:12Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 2:10:12Dax Shepard?

  There's plenty of time.

• 2:10:13Speaker 01

  I'll give myself another week to be, um, a heathen.

• 2:10:17Dax Shepard?

  Fully actualized.

• 2:10:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, okay. Oh, I had to bring this up because he talks about diversity in kids books. And so I have completed the studio since we last spoke or since we interviewed Seth and.

• 2:10:33Dax Shepard?

  Do you love it as much as I did?

• 2:10:35Speaker 01

  I loved it so much. I so I, you know, my privilege, the Buddhist wouldn't like this, but my privilege that I had access. We had access to all we had to the screeners, but I couldn't get in to the screeners.

• 2:10:51Dax Shepard?

  It's always impossible to get.

• 2:10:52Speaker 01

  So I was like, whatever, I'll just watch it when it comes out. And so the first two episodes came out and I watched it and immediately I was like,

• 2:10:59Dax Shepard?

  I gotta figure it out.

• 2:11:00Speaker 01

  We gotta figure this out ASAP.

• 2:11:02Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 2:11:03Speaker 01

  I am what I have to watch all of it. I watched it all one day.

• 2:11:06Dax Shepard?

  Oh, great.

• 2:11:07Speaker 01

  I was obsessed with it. It's so good.

• 2:11:09Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 2:11:10Speaker 01

  It is so good. It is so stressful.

• 2:11:15Dax Shepard?

  It's so stressful. I almost want to watch it again without the stress.

• 2:11:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's so, but oh no, Buddhism's my new the pit.

• 2:11:25Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, you switched right from.

• 2:11:28Speaker 01

  But, but.

• 2:11:29Dax Shepard?

  Oh, this would interest you. I was talking to Tom Hanson. Well, I had lunch with, I had dinner with him yesterday before my meeting.

• 2:11:36Speaker 01

  Uh huh.

• 2:11:37Dax Shepard?

  And he was just coming from seeing John Wells.

• 2:11:41Speaker 01

  Oh, fun.

• 2:11:42Dax Shepard?

  And I said, he said, are you watching? I said, no, but Monica's watching it for me. And she brings it up on every single episode and he's like, it is so good. He went on and he is right with you. Yeah.

• 2:11:52Speaker 01

  The cool kids know.

• 2:11:53Dax Shepard?

  He's like, no, why are you such a man now?

• 2:11:55Speaker 01

  Oh, I know.

• 2:11:56Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wow. He and I kind of went through the same transformation. Right? Wasn't he a, wasn't he a, a medium sized boy?

• 2:12:05Speaker 01

  He was. Well, he's in the show. He's wearing a hoodie, so you can't see his body really.

• 2:12:10Dax Shepard?

  But he's kind of, he's really masculine.

• 2:12:13Speaker 01

  He has. He's really become quite masculine. His neck is thicker.

• 2:12:18Dax Shepard?

  You want his bod, right?

• 2:12:19Speaker 01

  You mean, I want it on me or in me. Yes, yes, I do. I am, I am so attracted to him. Yeah, that's him. That's him on Friends.

• 2:12:28Dax Shepard?

  No, that's ER, right?

• 2:12:29Speaker 01

  No.

• 2:12:30Dax Shepard?

  Oh, they guest starred on Friends as doctors. That's cute. Yeah. So that looks like me and punked.

• 2:12:36Speaker 01

  Oh, he, he's still, he's so cute.

• 2:12:39Dax Shepard?

  And let's see him now.

• 2:12:40Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 2:12:42Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wow.

• 2:12:42Speaker 01

  Oh, my God, is he hot.

• 2:12:45Dax Shepard?

  Wow, okay, so I'm just, I haven't watched.

• 2:12:48Speaker 01

  When you see him intubate.

• 2:12:51Dax Shepard?

  Oh, he can intubate like a motherfucker.

• 2:12:52Speaker 01

  I bet he knows how to intubate.

• 2:12:55Dax Shepard?

  Oh, in real life?

• 2:12:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:12:56Dax Shepard?

  Probably.

• 2:12:56Speaker 01

  He's done this so many times.

• 2:12:59Dax Shepard?

  But you would think I would know how to mix some music from how many times I hit buttons on Parenthood, and I don't know anything.

• 2:13:05Speaker 01

  I think it's different with this kind of thing.

• 2:13:07Dax Shepard?

  Okay, because he's a better actor.

• 2:13:08Speaker 01

  Because you haven't seen it. But he, I would let.

• 2:13:13Dax Shepard?

  Him intubate you?

• 2:13:14Speaker 01

  I would let him perform a surgery on me.

• 2:13:16Dax Shepard?

  Oh, you would? Wow.

• 2:13:18Speaker 01

  I think he would kind of know how to do it.

• 2:13:21Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 2:13:22Speaker 01

  I know you're mad about that.

• 2:13:23Dax Shepard?

  No. I want you to expand how many people you let do surgery on you, not limit.

• 2:13:28Speaker 01

  Thank you, that's very Buddhist of you.

• 2:13:30Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:13:32Speaker 01

  Anyways, hot as hell.

• 2:13:34Dax Shepard?

  I think you'll have enough surgeries, there's enough.

• 2:13:36Speaker 01

  Oh, my God, let's hope not.

• 2:13:38Dax Shepard?

  There's enough surgeries for Noah and Ida.

• 2:13:41Speaker 01

  Don't say that.

• 2:13:42Dax Shepard?

  You're gonna get another one of those piercings, I know it, I know you.

• 2:13:45Speaker 01

  I do want.

• 2:13:45Dax Shepard?

  I know you so well, you'll get another infected piercing.

• 2:13:48Speaker 01

  I will.

• 2:13:49Dax Shepard?

  Another ring swollen around your, these are all coming.

• 2:13:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, something happened, oh, remember I told you I had an earring in recently and it was hard to get out?

• 2:14:01Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, got infected. Your ears are telling you very clearly, we don't want adornment.

• 2:14:07Speaker 01

  And I refuse to accept it.

• 2:14:09Dax Shepard?

  Good for you.

• 2:14:09Speaker 01

  Anyway, I love that he, I love that he loves the pit.

• 2:14:14Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 2:14:15Speaker 01

  People love it, it's like really gotten huge.

• 2:14:18Dax Shepard?

  I'm gonna go in.

• 2:14:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, you gotta go in, you gotta go in.

• 2:14:21Dax Shepard?

  I'm just behind on Righteous and I was behind on White Lotus, so.

• 2:14:25Speaker 01

  Okay, now, why was I bringing up the pit?

• 2:14:29Dax Shepard?

  Oh, Buddhist is your new pit.

• 2:14:31Speaker 01

  Right, but it was, I was gonna say some, oh, yeah, okay, so the studio, so there's an episode in the studio about diversity, about casting.

• 2:14:41Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my God, yes, yes, Ice Cube's in it. Yeah.

• 2:14:45Speaker 01

  It is so funny.

• 2:14:48Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 2:14:48Speaker 01

  And so well done.

• 2:14:50Dax Shepard?

  No one can figure out what's racist. That's so true and funny.

• 2:14:54Speaker 01

  It's so accurate.

• 2:14:55Dax Shepard?

  Yes.

• 2:14:56Speaker 01

  Oh, my God. I was laughing so hard.

• 2:15:00Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 2:15:01Speaker 01

  So hard. And also like, because they each individually have the realization that something

• 2:15:06Dax Shepard?

  Is potentially.

• 2:15:07Speaker 01

  racist.

• 2:15:08Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 2:15:08Speaker 01

  And you see them all have the realization at different times and it is, oh, my God. It is brilliant. It is chef's kiss.

• 2:15:15Dax Shepard?

  Chef's kiss.

• 2:15:16Speaker 01

  Um, highly recommend the studio. Okay, now, how many cows does an average meat eater eat in a lifetime? Okay.

• 2:15:24Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 2:15:25Speaker 01

  The average American consumes approximately 174 animals per year, including 23 chickens, a third of a pig, a tenth of a cow, three quarters of a turkey, and smaller amounts of other animals like fish and shellfish. This translates to roughly 11 cows over a lifetime.

• 2:15:44Dax Shepard?

  I think I've eaten more than that.

• 2:15:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, you do think that.

• 2:15:48Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 2:15:48Speaker 05

  Does it, does it count human DNA in hot dogs?

• 2:15:51Speaker 01

  Huh?

• 2:15:52Dax Shepard?

  Oh, yeah, like one millionth of a human from the hot dog.

• 2:15:55Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, maybe that counts. Maybe that counts. Okay, is piles the old word for hemorrhoids? Yes, swollen inflamed veins in the lower rectum and anus.

• 2:16:05Dax Shepard?

  This is what, oh, ding ding ding, this is what David's father was checking him for.

• 2:16:10Speaker 01

  My God, yeah, whoa. Um, they can be internal or external.

• 2:16:14Dax Shepard?

  I, I am shocked that I've never had a hemorrhoid.

• 2:16:17Speaker 01

  I'm shocked you haven't. Are you sure you haven't?

• 2:16:20Dax Shepard?

  I have some weak systems, but I have some bulletproof systems. As we know already, my teeth are bulletproof.

• 2:16:25Speaker 01

  Right.

• 2:16:26Dax Shepard?

  I think my anus is too, because we both know I sit on that toilet for fucking, as long as I can, as long as my life will permit.

• 2:16:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, but you have had.

• 2:16:36Dax Shepard?

  Till my legs fall asleep sometimes.

• 2:16:38Speaker 01

  What if you, what'd you have?

• 2:16:39Dax Shepard?

  Fishers.

• 2:16:39Speaker 01

  Fishers, yeah.

• 2:16:40Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I had a bad run of fissures.

• 2:16:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's not strong.

• 2:16:44Dax Shepard?

  It's rough, but it's not a tongue hanging out of your butt. Piles.

• 2:16:49Speaker 01

  I've never had piles.

• 2:16:50Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 2:16:51Speaker 01

  But if I did.

• 2:16:52Dax Shepard?

  Would you let Noel Wiley? You wouldn't let, would you let him look at your piles?

• 2:16:56Speaker 01

  If I got waxed and everything.

• 2:16:58Dax Shepard?

  Okay, everything else was gorgeous.

• 2:17:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:17:03Dax Shepard?

  How old is he?

• 2:17:04Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 2:17:05Speaker 05

  Fifty-three.

• 2:17:06Speaker 01

  Great age.

• 2:17:07Dax Shepard?

  Hmm.

• 2:17:09Speaker 01

  Mature.

• 2:17:10Dax Shepard?

  Just about to be picked off the vine to made into wine.

• 2:17:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:17:14Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 2:17:14Speaker 01

  He's lived such a long life in the ER.

• 2:17:17Dax Shepard?

  Oh, God, that's crazy. He's still at it. It's exhausting work.

• 2:17:22Speaker 01

  I know. It's, it's getting to him. He has a, I won't tell you.

• 2:17:26Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 2:17:27Speaker 01

  Okay. Um, all right, that's it.

• 2:17:29Dax Shepard?

  Okay, great. Um, I love you, David Sedaris.

• 2:17:32Speaker 01

  Love you, David Sedaris.

• 2:17:33Dax Shepard?

  So much. All right.

• 2:17:35Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, he brought us, he, we have postcards, but I didn't bring mine.

• 2:17:39Dax Shepard?

  Isn't it, uh, behind you?

• 2:17:40Speaker 01

  Yours is.

• 2:17:41Dax Shepard?

  Why isn't yours behind you?

• 2:17:42Speaker 01

  I have it in my house.

• 2:17:44Dax Shepard?

  Oh, that's a good place for it.

• 2:17:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:17:46Dax Shepard?

  I thought for some reason it wa, it went behind your head.

• 2:17:49Speaker 01

  It's on my fridge.

• 2:17:50Dax Shepard?

  Okay. Love you.

• 2:17:51Speaker 01

  Love you.