Snack Attack with Talent Coordinator Maddie Ogden

Conan sits down with talent coordinator Maddie Ogden to discuss the sordid state of the studio snack basket. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: teamcoco.com/apply

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:02Conan O'Brien?

  The holidays are supposed to be about making memories, not managing the mess that comes with them. Between winter weather, road trips, shopping and family gatherings, your vehicle can take a beating. Mine sure does.

• 0:13Speaker 01

  Same.

• 0:14Conan O'Brien?

  Especially when I'm back in the Northeast, driving around. I mean, I grew up with that.

• 0:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:18Conan O'Brien?

  Cars were red, the salt on the road, people throwing rocks at me.

• 0:22Speaker 01

  Whaaat?

• 0:23Conan O'Brien?

  That's not a weather thing. That's more of a me being, making people angry problem. WeatherTech helps protect your vehicle from snow, slush, salt and seasonal messes. They also make the best gifts for automobile protection, from floor liners and cargo liner to side window deflectors, even gift cards. Great for today and to prevent future messes. Everything is built to last, easy to clean and designed for harsh winter conditions, okay? I grew up with this.

• 0:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:49Conan O'Brien?

  And the salt would eat away the car. We actually did have a Chevy. My dad had a Chevy Impala and the floor rusted out and you could see the road going by.

• 0:56Speaker 01

  Oh, what?

• 0:58Conan O'Brien?

  We were praying for WeatherTech and we didn't even know it. That was before it existed.

• 1:02Speaker 01

  That's cool.

• 1:03Conan O'Brien?

  So get a gift today at weathertech.com.

• 1:10Conan O'Brien?

  Your child's clean credit history can make them a target for identity thieves. Well, guess what? With LifeLock, you can add family members to your plan, giving you the power to block identity threats targeting your children. Now, Sonya, your kids are pretty young still.

• 1:23Speaker 01

  They are.

• 1:24Conan O'Brien?

  Five, but within a couple of years, you know, they're gonna be buying heavy machinery online.

• 1:29Speaker 01

  What?

• 1:30Conan O'Brien?

  I'm just imagining them buying, they're gonna be, become tractor fanatics. They're gonna be buying tractors online. So if you have expenses or money stolen due to identity theft, you're backed by the million dollar protection package with up to $3 million coverage in some plans. So join now, save up to 30% off your first year. Go to lifelock.com/conan. That's lifelock.com/conan to save 30%. Terms apply.

• 1:56Speaker 01

  Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com/callconan. Okay, let's get started.

• 2:06Conan O'Brien?

  Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan. Now, these drop, that's what the kids say, on Wednesdays.

• 2:15Speaker 02

  Thursday.

• 2:15Conan O'Brien?

  What's that?

• 2:16Speaker 02

  Thursday.

• 2:17Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, I don't get out much.

• 2:18Speaker 02

  Do you go out to get your podcasts? Is that what you do?

• 2:20Conan O'Brien?

  We're doing something a little different today. Sometimes in this slot, I talk to a fan. But we had a different notion in mind. In fact, I did.

• 2:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, this is you.

• 2:31Conan O'Brien?

  This is me, this comes from me. You know I like to run a tight ship. I like to make sure that... No, I'm serious. I'm at the helm of a powerful company, an industry, really, Team Coco. And I am constantly looking for ways to improve the efficiency. I'm kind of Muskian, almost. No? You know, did I go the wrong way?

• 2:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 2:57Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, I'll think of a better one.

• 2:58Speaker 02

  In every term of Musk, you're not the Musk.

• 3:00Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, okay. Okay, that was the wrong way to go. I think of myself as sort of... I don't know, Santa, Santa, walking through the workshop, making sure that all of the elves are hard at work making the toys.

• 3:16Speaker 01

  No.

• 3:16Conan O'Brien?

  No?

• 3:17Speaker 02

  No closer.

• 3:17Speaker 01

  This is the furthest thing from a tight ship, I think I can think of.

• 3:22Conan O'Brien?

  Really?

• 3:22Speaker 01

  If this was the North Pole and you were Santa, there would be no Christmas.

• 3:27Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 3:27Speaker 02

  Have you ever seen Ghost Ship, where everybody gets bisected by a metal cable? That's kind of what this is.

• 3:33Speaker 01

  I have not seen that movie.

• 3:35Conan O'Brien?

  And now, and guess what? Now I don't have to see it. You just totally ruined the whole movie.

• 3:40Speaker 02

  That's how the movie opens.

• 3:41Conan O'Brien?

  The movie opens with that?

• 3:43Speaker 02

  It's the best opening of a movie ever.

• 3:45Conan O'Brien?

  I watch most movies thinking, I wonder if anyone gets bisected by a cable.

• 3:49Speaker 02

  It's a whole party full of people that gets bisected by...

• 3:52Conan O'Brien?

  And what happens? The boat goes underneath the cable?

• 3:54Speaker 02

  It's like, no, it's some line on the ship that gets broken and then like 50 people at a 1920's party just get severed in half. And that becomes the ghost ship.

• 4:04Conan O'Brien?

  You know what? This is proof that I don't run a tight ship. Because I just let you bibble and babble on about Ghost Ship, and you use the word "bisect" like nine times.

• 4:16Speaker 01

  Do you think this is how Santa treats his elves?

• 4:18Conan O'Brien?

  I think these fucking elves should get their asses in here.

• 4:23Speaker 01

  I think he's a jolly man.

• 4:24Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, right. You know what? If I ran the North Pole, those toys would get out on time. There wouldn't be any complaints. Most kids would get coal, even the good kids. And by the way, coal is worth more, you know, these days. It's true.

• 4:38Speaker 01

  No, it's not.

• 4:40Conan O'Brien?

  What? What are you talking about?

• 4:41Speaker 01

  Coal?

• 4:41Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, coal.

• 4:42Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 4:43Conan O'Brien?

  It's the source of petrol.

• 4:46Conan O'Brien?

  Any hoots? I had a purpose in doing this, which is I've been irritated by something recently. I've noticed that there's a flaw in our system. Okay? When we have guests on the show, and we have some pretty big names come here. We do a very nice thing, which is we put out this basket of treats for them. Lately, I've been looking, and there's a nice little sign on the basket of treats that says, "Welcome," and then "Celebrity."

• 5:10Speaker 02

  That's very thoughtful.

• 5:11Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 5:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, it is very sweet.

• 5:12Conan O'Brien?

  If Will Ferrell's here, it's like, "Welcome, Will." You know, well, whatever. It's a nice, it's a nice thing. It's very friendly. And it's all put together by Maddie Ogden, who's our talent coordinator. And she does a great job of making sure that everyone's very well taken care of. But lately, I've been just looking at the basket, and the basket is an abomination. I mean, it's a, it's a, it's a crime. It is packed with all this aggressively healthy eco snacks. And I, first of all, I'm noticing not a lot of people are taking the baskets. I don't think anybody takes the baskets. And it used to be filled with really fun things, like, oh, a chocolate-covered pretzel, and here's some raisinettes, and here's some this and that.

• 5:55Conan O'Brien?

  Lately, I don't know what's going on, but I want to get Maddie Ogden in here if she's in the building.

• 6:02Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 6:02Speaker 01

  Disagree.

• 6:03Conan O'Brien?

  I want to find out what's going on.

• 6:05Speaker 02

  And let's, do you have any exhibit A's, T's?

• 6:07Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I have some exhibits here. And so let's get Maddie here. Maddie, I hope, come on in, Maddie.

• 6:13Speaker 01

  Maddie!

• 6:15Speaker 02

  I just want to say, Son and I have your back at all times.

• 6:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, we do. We really do.

• 6:19Conan O'Brien?

  Well, a lot of good they'll do you because they don't carry the weight that I have. Maddie, one of the things that I've noticed recently is that, and I guess you choose these snacks, is that it got aggressive. It got real aggressive. For example, I'm going to put on the old specs here, because Gimme, roasted seaweed snacks, toasted sesame roasted to light crispy perfection. So literally shit that washes up on the beach. And dries, you're giving.

• 6:49Speaker 02

  What's more, there's two of them.

• 6:50Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, there's two. Oh, in case you finish one.

• 6:52Speaker 03

  Different flavors.

• 6:53Conan O'Brien?

  No, no. One is toasted sesame, the other's teriyaki. Yeah. Uh, why don't you throw some barnacles in here while you're at it?

• 7:00Speaker 03

  Werner Herzog loved those.

• 7:02Speaker 01

  Oh, thank you.

• 7:03Speaker 03

  So maybe you just don't have as classy of taste.

• 7:07Conan O'Brien?

  Werner Herzog is also a pain artist. Werner Herzog is someone who loves going into the South African jungle and, and like, almost dying. He's someone who loves dying and death and madness. He's a guy who's famously almost killed people he's worked with and has almost died himself making his movies. So don't say Werner Herzog loves it. That's like, oh, the Addams Family loves this.

• 7:35Speaker 03

  Oh, my gosh.

• 7:36Conan O'Brien?

  They loved it.

• 7:37Speaker 03

  Oh, Jesus.

• 7:38Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, here's more. There's tempura seaweed snacks by Nora. I don't even know, and it's a weird shape. It looks like a satanic shape.

• 7:46Speaker 03

  Satanic?

• 7:47Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Does this not look good? Does it not look good? Oh, oh, and there's something else. There's one thing that isn't in here that was in here for a while, and I think you got scared and stopped because you noticed that I was complaining, which is mushroom jerky.

• 8:00Speaker 03

  I knew you were gonna say that.

• 8:02Conan O'Brien?

  Why were you putting mushroom jerky? I would, if you put a 44 Magnum to my skull, I would not take a, I would not take a bite of mushroom jerky. And you were handing it to our guests? And then you wonder why suddenly all the A-listers dropped out? Where do you even get mushroom jerky?

• 8:23Speaker 03

  Um, at the snack aisle in Gelson's. And I do have a story, and that's when Bill Hader came back for the third time. He picked up the mushroom jerky and he said, is this a prank? Is this a prank?

• 8:32Conan O'Brien?

  Yes. Well, I'm on Bill's side. Bill's a valued guest. Let's see what else we got here. Uh, island-style, let's think, oh, good. I guess these are potato chips, but they're hand-

• 8:43Speaker 03

  You can't make fun of those?

• 8:43Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, Rusty's Chips. They're island-style. That doesn't look like any potato chip I've ever seen in my life.

• 8:50Speaker 02

  They look good, though. They look kinda saturated with oil or something.

• 8:53Conan O'Brien?

  No, it says no trans fats, no saturated fat, no cholesterol. Oh, and here it says, no joy. Now joy free. Good job Rusty, you took everyone's favorite unhealthy snack and turned it into something nobody wants.

• 9:07Speaker 02

  We should be trying some of these. I know you're not supposed to eat on podcasts.

• 9:10Speaker 01

  I just, I heard RFK Junior said that joy was inflammatory, so really I'm just looking out for everyone.

• 9:14Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, okay, okay. If you're gonna work in your little political jabs, you know, I didn't realize, oh, here's some good crunchy giant Inca corn. And there's a picture of a female athlete climbing up the side of-

• 9:27Speaker 02

  Oh, I thought you were gonna say a female something else.

• 9:29Speaker 01

  Corn nuts?

• 9:29Conan O'Brien?

  Well, it's, it's, no, they're not corn nuts. It's crunchy giant Inca corn.

• 9:35Speaker 02

  It looks like a vagina.

• 9:39Conan O'Brien?

  This looks like a vagina. And in the ear. No.

• 9:43Speaker 01

  I don't know. I mean, I think, I think people are health conscious.

• 9:48Conan O'Brien?

  No!

• 9:48Speaker 01

  And they want healthy snacks.

• 9:50Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, no, no. That's their choice. This is our gift to them. So if you gift somebody, what are you eating over there?

• 9:57Speaker 02

  Oh, just a skinny dipped dark chocolate peanut butter cup.

• 10:00Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, you found the one thing that was edible in there. Oh, good. Go crazy with banana-

• 10:05Speaker 02

  Two grams of sugar.

• 10:07Conan O'Brien?

  All natural banana walnuts.

• 10:09Speaker 01

  Sarah Silverman took those enthusiastically yesterday.

• 10:12Conan O'Brien?

  Do you realize she's homeless? Sarah Silverman is homeless. When we found her for the podcast, she was reaching into a garbage can to eat half a hot dog. And I said, you wanna come do the podcast? And she said, is there anything there to eat? I'll eat anything. And I said, would you eat banana walnuts? And she said, yeah, I guess so. I'm so cold and so hungry. So, I mean, this is, this is a war crime, what's going on here. GFB, gluten free brothers. Oh, I love the gluten free brothers. When I wanna have a good time, I hang with the gluten free. Hey, are the gluten free brothers in town? Let's have a party. Um, did something happen to you as a child? Is this, are you angry about something? What's going on? Why would you do this to people?

• 10:58Speaker 03

  It's just, you know, I have this boss and he's really critical.

• 11:02Speaker 01

  Ah, that's true. Do you think that you have the taste buds of like a young teenage boy though, Conan? Like, I think you just want like...

• 11:11Conan O'Brien?

  Would you guys admit, anybody? Does anybody see kind of what I'm saying? That, Eduardo, would you like to speak up?

• 11:18Speaker 02

  I'll just say, I was convinced that maybe this was Maddie's tactic to keep us away from not touching the guests.

• 11:27Conan O'Brien?

  Right!

• 11:28Speaker 03

  Okay, so Eduardo is on to something there. So the thing is, I love, I love putting out the snack basket, okay? Snacks are my love language. And, and while I'm flattered, a lot of other people in the office began also enjoying the snack basket, which is fine. But it got to the point where the guest would be two minutes away and there would be six opened containers in the basket. And, you know, apart from Sarah Silverman, apparently, our guests are classy people. I want a good presentation. And so sometimes I would have to scramble. And, you know, like, I don't like greeting the guests when I'm scrambled. I prefer to not be sweaty.

• 12:07Conan O'Brien?

  Listen, listen, Maddie, Maddie, Maddie, I don't want you, I don't want you at all to be on the, I don't want you to all be, at all be on the defensive.

• 12:16Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 12:16Conan O'Brien?

  But if snacks, but listen.

• 12:19Speaker 02

  You just attacked her for 10 minutes straight.

• 12:21Conan O'Brien?

  Listen, I don't know why you're being so defensive. By the way, let's continue with the Nuremberg trial. Maddie, if snacks are your love language, you are filled with hate. This is just awful what you're doing. And yes, I agree with you that, I understand your tactic, that yes, would you, you're just chomping away.

• 12:43Speaker 01

  These are good.

• 12:44Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, I can't see them.

• 12:45Speaker 03

  Thank you, Sona.

• 12:48Speaker 02

  You just knocked both of the gluten-free brothers on the floor.

• 12:51Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah, I knocked out both gluten-free brothers with one mighty backhanded blow.

• 12:55Speaker 02

  And Erwin.

• 12:56Conan O'Brien?

  Hey, have some cheryaki chips.

• 13:00Conan O'Brien?

  Here, why don't you eat this highlighter while you're at it?

• 13:02Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 13:02Conan O'Brien?

  I hear it's free of electrolytes.

• 13:13Conan O'Brien?

  We all have those pieces in our closet we can count on. Sona, I imagine for you it's that leather jacket I got you.

• 13:18Speaker 01

  Are you gonna do a bit?

• 13:19Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, it's a really nice leather jacket I got you once.

• 13:21Speaker 01

  I had that and then I replaced it and yes, I use it all the time.

• 13:25Conan O'Brien?

  We all have that versatile jacket, the perfect t-shirt, and those are the pieces that make getting dressed easy. And you know what I was thinking about this morning?

• 13:34Speaker 01

  What?

• 13:34Conan O'Brien?

  Quince. They do it best. They really do. I was really thinking about this.

• 13:38Speaker 01

  What a coincidence that we're doing an ad for them.

• 13:39Conan O'Brien?

  No, a co- coincidence.

• 13:41Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 13:44Conan O'Brien?

  That's why I get the big money.

• 13:45Speaker 01

  I gotta go.

• 13:46Conan O'Brien?

  Cut to a very small amount of money. Quince makes elevated everyday essentials using premium materials and designs that are timeless, thoughtful, crafted, and made to be worn again and again. And when the temperature starts to drop, Quince makes it easy to build on those everyday staples with versatile layers. Layer up. That's the key. Now, Blay, you're using some Quince.

• 14:05Speaker 04

  That's right. I'm spending a lot of time back east in Michigan. It's getting a little colder, so I got a featherless quilted jacket, an Atlas Navy, and I just feel like a different guy. I feel classy.

• 14:16Conan O'Brien?

  You look like a different guy because you're well dressed.

• 14:18Speaker 04

  That's right. No, I'm serious. He looks like a hobo half the time.

• 14:21Conan O'Brien?

  That's true. He's right. That's true. No, they really do great stuff. Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK as well.

• 14:36Speaker 01

  All right.

• 14:36Conan O'Brien?

  And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. Please do that. Say, "By the way, I heard about this on Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend." "Oh, I didn't really ask. I just want you to know." It's the best way to support the show.

• 14:55Conan O'Brien?

  Now, Sona, clearly I'm a very important person to you.

• 14:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:58Conan O'Brien?

  Just accept the premise and we'll move ahead.

• 15:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 15:00Conan O'Brien?

  I'm a very important person to you. What would you get me from Macy's for the holidays?

• 15:06Speaker 01

  Uh, vase.

• 15:07Conan O'Brien?

  No, I don't want a vase. I want something better.

• 15:10Speaker 01

  Uh, jacket.

• 15:12Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, nice jacket. I love a nice jacket.

• 15:13Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, that jacket. Nice jacket.

• 15:14Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, so now you have to do it, because you said you would.

• 15:16Speaker 01

  Aw, man, I didn't know you were doing that.

• 15:18Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I know the holidays, I know the holidays are months away, but it's never too early, Sona, to find gifts that I will love, gifts I will wear, and surprises that make the season unforgettable for me.

• 15:30Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 15:30Conan O'Brien?

  Macy's Gift Guide makes holiday shopping easy with beauty favorites, stylish fashion, jewelry, cozy essentials, must-have toys, home upgrades, and picks for every person on your list. Coach handbags, Breville appliances, Lego UG, and more, all in one place, so you can skip the scrolling and shop with confidence. Shop now in-store or online at macy's.com/giftguide.

• 15:55Conan O'Brien?

  Sona, you have to admit, the holidays, it's really about hanging with the people you love.

• 16:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:01Conan O'Brien?

  And getting to be yourself, not going to some stuffy holiday party where you need to conform to what the man wants you to think about the holidays.

• 16:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:11Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, it's about being yourself. Turn your holiday time into Miller time by enjoying a Miller Lite in a place where you're free to enjoy yourself on a walk with a cousin. With a cousin? Why are they getting all specific about?

• 16:22Speaker 01

  Because it's family.

• 16:22Conan O'Brien?

  But what about a niece or a nephew?

• 16:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:26Conan O'Brien?

  Like a walk with an ex-wife? I don't know. I mean, they're just throwing, that's a weird, they just made a very specific choice.

• 16:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:33Conan O'Brien?

  Now's the time for those unexpected holiday side guests and enjoy a great tasting light beer. 'Tis Miller time, as Dickens wrote. Miller Lite is brewed for taste, the taste you can depend on. The original light beer since 1975 and still iconic more than 50 years later. I like to be with my bros, my chums, my posse, crack open a Miller Lite, take a swig, a sip, look around and see my friends. We've known each other forever and we're just hanging out.

• 17:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, you guys are just doing chest bumps and high-fiving.

• 17:03Conan O'Brien?

  Miller Lite is great taste done right. Go to millerlite.com/conan to find delivery options near you, or you can pick up some Miller Lite pretty much anywhere they sell beer. 'Tis Miller time. Celebrate responsibly Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces.

• 17:24Conan O'Brien?

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• 18:08Conan O'Brien?

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• 18:35Conan O'Brien?

  Maddie.

• 18:36Speaker 01

  Yes, yes.

• 18:36Conan O'Brien?

  Here's the problem. Yes, you have identified a real problem, which is that this little podcast studio that we run, this Team Coco world, is just, it's a ship filled with rats that need to be bisected, by the way. And it's sad. It's sad that when you put out some snacks, all these well-paid employees hover around and jump on them and then just start gobbling them. They're rodents. Everyone who works here is a rodent.

• 19:03Speaker 01

  They're good snacks. That's why people want it.

• 19:05Conan O'Brien?

  But they're in a basket that says, this is for Woody Harrelson. And then when you see a basket that says, food for Woody Harrelson, or, welcome Harrison Ford, a well-educated, nice, well-bred person doesn't jump on it and start snurfing it down, especially when an icon's coming up the stairs.

• 19:24Speaker 04

  Also, we have a whole cabinet full of other snacks.

• 19:27Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 19:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, we do.

• 19:28Speaker 02

  There's no mushroom jerky in there, and I've been looking.

• 19:30Conan O'Brien?

  God. Do you realize mushroom jerky isn't even manufactured? It's a byproduct of other food that went bad. It's other food that went bad and turned into mushroom jerky. And then they just put a package around that. That's what mushroom jerky is. I'm gonna tell you this right now. This is got to stop. We've got to stop. And I have your back if these rodents, these rats, are getting into the snacks. See, what you're doing is, oh, I don't, there's this food, and I don't want these dogs to eat the food that I'm gonna put out. So I'm gonna pour kerosene all over it. And then you're shocked that people come to your nice brunch, and no one's eating the food. And you're saying, well, what's the problem?

• 20:15Conan O'Brien?

  Well, it tastes like kerosene. I know, I put kerosene on it to keep the dogs away. What's your problem? Well, that's essentially what you're doing. Mushroom jerky, you know, these gom gom chips, tempura flavored chip chops, ink of corn that looks like a vag. You know, you've got the gluten free brothers. You've got mushroom, you know, jerky. It's just a mess. It's a mess, and it's gotta stop. People want Doritos, they want Oreos. They want food that's good for you. Food that-

• 20:48Speaker 01

  Food that's good for you. Doritos and Oreos. These are people who care about their bodies. She's getting them snacks they probably already eat anyway, right?

• 20:57Speaker 02

  Is it possible that you would enjoy the seaweed? If you tried it? Try it.

• 21:02Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, try it. Try the seaweed.

• 21:03Speaker 02

  And is it possible that we start kind of tailoring it to what we think the guests would like? Because this all seems very Woody Harrelson to me, but not necessarily-

• 21:10Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, this is awful.

• 21:12Speaker 01

  Oh, come on.

• 21:13Conan O'Brien?

  This is, I'm not kidding. This tastes like the ocean. The last time I had this taste in my mouth was when I almost drowned in summer camp, Craighead Mountain Farm, 1975.

• 21:24Speaker 01

  Oh, man.

• 21:25Conan O'Brien?

  That's just, this is awful.

• 21:28Speaker 03

  Can I just say I've had this exact nightmare before?

• 21:30Conan O'Brien?

  God damn it. Get this out of my mouth.

• 21:34Speaker 02

  God, I've never seen him so charged. Of all the things-

• 21:37Speaker 03

  Do you want some?

• 21:37Speaker 02

  I'll try it. Matty, do you taste test these?

• 21:40Speaker 03

  I do, I like all of these snacks.

• 21:42Conan O'Brien?

  No, you don't. You do not like that snack.

• 21:44Speaker 03

  Yes, seaweed's good- For you, and it's a great substitute.

• 21:47Conan O'Brien?

  Seaweed's good for you. An octopi wouldn't have that. That's more than one octopus.

• 21:53Speaker 03

  Yes, yeah. But you said an octopi.

• 21:55Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, here's good. You decided to get some jerky, but don't worry, it's grass-fed and finished. Zero sugar. Oh.

• 22:03Speaker 03

  What's wrong with any of that stuff, though?

• 22:05Conan O'Brien?

  I like lots of sugar in my beef. I also, I want beef that's not, I want some beef that's eating grass. I want beef that's out eating other beef.

• 22:17Conan O'Brien?

  Bullshit. This is bullshit alley.

• 22:19Speaker 02

  My daughter eats these seaweed things, and they're not anywhere near as good as these ones.

• 22:23Conan O'Brien?

  Those are terrible. That's terrible.

• 22:24Speaker 02

  The teriyaki.

• 22:25Conan O'Brien?

  It tastes like seaweed. When I, you know what? When I was a kid, strolling the beach, I never once was like, hmm, look at that seaweed on the sand, and then started chomping away. Macadamia, that's the worst of the nuts. I'm sorry it is. Apologies to Hawaii, but you guys really blew it with the macadamia. You've got some mints here. That's good. Oh, I see you put a lot of mints in here to get the seaweed taste out of your mouth.

• 22:51Conan O'Brien?

  That's why they're there.

• 22:52Speaker 03

  Mr. O'Brien, sir, may I just ask?

• 22:53Conan O'Brien?

  It's Dr. O'Brien.

• 22:54Speaker 03

  Dr. O'Brien, sir, so sorry.

• 22:56Conan O'Brien?

  I'm a PhD in nonsensology.

• 22:58Speaker 03

  Nonsensology. May I just ask, what snacks would you like to see in the basket? And I ask this because before the Oscars, I put together a basket for you, and I reached out to David Hopping, your assistant, and he said, and I quote, "I don't know. I guess protein bars."

• 23:17Speaker 03

  So what could I, what could I do to, to, to please my benevolent boss?

• 23:22Conan O'Brien?

  Maddie, you don't want to be thinking about me because I am someone who's filled with a lot of self-loathing. And when I approach a gig like the Oscars, I start, I get nervous, I get intense. I, I just eat protein bars, I drink a lot of water, I drink. It's bad. No, I'm saying, I'm telling you, this is enough, supposed to be, I'm saying you shouldn't be catering to me because I don't have joy in my life. I've removed joy in my life so that I can bring joy to others in a selfless way. Oh, good mint.

• 23:57Conan O'Brien?

  Don't go by me.

• 23:58Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 23:59Conan O'Brien?

  But go by like... You should call one of my brothers.

• 24:02Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 24:02Conan O'Brien?

  Actually, call my brother Neil and find out what to put in there.

• 24:05Speaker 01

  Okay. It could be moon pies and stuff.

• 24:07Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, it's gonna be a great, it's gonna be full of great. No, but I mean, you know, uh, you know, cookies and yummy snacks. Eduardo, jump in here, you agree with me, right?

• 24:18Speaker 02

  I agree with you, I'm sorry, Maddie. Uh, but I also do have the taste buds of a 15-year-old boy, I'm sure.

• 24:25Conan O'Brien?

  But a lot of people do.

• 24:26Speaker 01

  Not a lot of, like, celebrities, though.

• 24:29Conan O'Brien?

  They do. It's a myth, you all think because we have these amazing bodies, and I see the way you guys look at me, that...

• 24:35Speaker 02

  With total disdain.

• 24:37Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, that's what I meant. But there's a misconception. No, I mean, some of these guests, like Cher, might really wish that someone would offer her some Oreos just once, instead of putting out some dried papaya goo. That she can spread on her gums.

• 24:55Speaker 02

  Two baskets, naughty and nice, and they can make the choice, but they have to choose one.

• 24:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's true, we could, we could do, we could do a study on this, and just kind of see what the celebrities like.

• 25:05Speaker 02

  And we could make a chart of like, who went naughty and who went nice.

• 25:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:07Speaker 02

  Cher went naughty, Jane Fonda went naughty.

• 25:09Speaker 01

  Oh, that's fun.

• 25:10Speaker 02

  Cole Haan went nice.

• 25:11Speaker 01

  You guys keep saying Cher.

• 25:14Conan O'Brien?

  Cher was booked.

• 25:15Speaker 02

  Cher was.

• 25:15Speaker 01

  Is, what?

• 25:16Conan O'Brien?

  She was booked, and then the fires broke out.

• 25:19Speaker 01

  I know.

• 25:19Speaker 02

  As if it wasn't hard enough for you.

• 25:21Speaker 01

  I know, and now you guys keep bringing her up as if we had her on the show.

• 25:25Conan O'Brien?

  Well, we had a basket ready for her.

• 25:26Speaker 01

  Come on, man.

• 25:27Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, it was told us some of the worst shit anyone's ever eaten.

• 25:30Speaker 02

  It was a basket full of chush. Does it have to be snacks?

• 25:33Speaker 01

  Hush, you said it right.

• 25:34Conan O'Brien?

  What's that?

• 25:34Speaker 02

  Does it have to be snacks? Could it be like a mixture of like some swag and...

• 25:38Conan O'Brien?

  Oh. Well, now, that's caught, that's a lot of money.

• 25:41Speaker 01

  Well, if they don't, if they don't take the swag, that's just kind of sad.

• 25:45Conan O'Brien?

  Hey, do we ever give them like, is there a, is there a Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend hat or something? That's smart.

• 25:52Conan O'Brien?

  Well, guess what? Guess what? I'm gonna tell you something, it's very smart. I'm sure other podcasts give you swag. I know other late night shows, we would do it on a late night show. You give a celebrity a T-shirt, they wear it, and then they're out at St. Bart's. Beyonce is walking around wearing a T-shirt that says, "I love Conan." And people with paparazzi take a picture and they go like, "Wow, Conan's cool." Hello? Can I use you guys? Sorry. What are you guys doing? What are you, why are you signaling each other? Wait, what's happening? Why are you signaling?

• 26:17Speaker 04

  No, there's, there's nothing happening. Uh, we were just gonna, uh, uh, uh, give the rap light, but I was just saying, not yet. We should go just a few more minutes.

• 26:24Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, I didn't realize that you're the Toscanini of this.

• 26:26Speaker 02

  No, no.

• 26:27Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, I didn't realize you have the baton.

• 26:29Speaker 02

  The way that you know that a rap light is just an indication, you go as long as you want to go.

• 26:32Conan O'Brien?

  I go as long as I want. And when I, when I sense that we're on, when I sense that we've hit oil, I keep drilling, baby.

• 26:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:38Speaker 03

  Yeah, put the heat on, Blade.

• 26:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, I can't believe you cut off his Beyonce wearing a I love Conan shirt.

• 26:44Speaker 04

  No, no, no, good, good, yes.

• 26:44Speaker 03

  That's way worse than bad snacks.

• 26:46Speaker 04

  Uh, I, so, so, I, I will say, back at the TV show, you know, one of the things we used to give people, among other things, was a giant can of delicious popcorn.

• 26:55Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 26:55Speaker 04

  And people used to love munching on that popcorn.

• 26:57Conan O'Brien?

  You know what? We gave them this amazing popcorn that comes from Chicago. And it's, it, it's a cheddar, but it's like it's made of molten cheddar. It was so good.

• 27:06Speaker 02

  What about a seaweed popcorn?

• 27:07Conan O'Brien?

  No!

• 27:08Speaker 03

  Oh, I like that.

• 27:09Conan O'Brien?

  No, listen. Stop. I, I know that you want to live to be 250, uh, and be in terrible pain at the end of your life. But, uh, what are you doing?

• 27:18Speaker 01

  I would like another one of these.

• 27:20Speaker 02

  Another brother.

• 27:20Speaker 01

  Uh, these, uh, gluten-free brothers bites.

• 27:24Conan O'Brien?

  Stop giving them free advertising. We do not want that company to flourish.

• 27:30Speaker 01

  My gosh.

• 27:32Conan O'Brien?

  All right, I'm gonna shut it down because I-

• 27:34Speaker 01

  Garrett's popcorn.

• 27:35Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, it was Garrett's popcorn.

• 27:36Speaker 04

  Yeah, Garrett, yeah, Garrett's, and, and we never had any complaints about Garrett's popcorn. Also, I'll say, in the green room at the show, we used to have a whole cheese plate.

• 27:45Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 27:46Speaker 04

  It was, there was, uh, all kinds of soft cheeses.

• 27:48Conan O'Brien?

  Listen, this was a different time.

• 27:50Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 27:51Conan O'Brien?

  Aaron, we were a television show.

• 27:53Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 27:54Conan O'Brien?

  With a certain budget. Now, we're a bunch of people hovered around one microphone, uh, hiding from the rain. So, um, no, we're, we're, we are not gonna start having caviar and roasted ham out there. But I think we can do better than what we're doing. And, and Maddie? What?

• 28:10Speaker 04

  Hailey Bieber smoothie?

• 28:10Conan O'Brien?

  No, my Hailey!

• 28:11Speaker 04

  Yeah, your Hailey Bieber smoothie, see?

• 28:13Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, perfect. Oh, and good, my metal spoon!

• 28:16Speaker 02

  Oh my god!

• 28:17Speaker 03

  Speaking of budget, I have to beg for these snacks as is. I can't fill a basket with nineteen dollar Arowan smoothies. I just wanna set.

• 28:26Conan O'Brien?

  I'm not saying.

• 28:26Speaker 02

  Unbelievable.

• 28:27Conan O'Brien?

  Listen, I am at the top of the top of the Hollywood pyramid, okay? Because I have a Hailey Bieber smoothie. It was just brought to me. Probably is a bit, but I'm gonna enjoy it.

• 28:41Speaker 02

  What does that taste like?

• 28:42Conan O'Brien?

  It tastes like beauty. It tastes like youth. It tastes like fame. It tastes like all good things. Available at Arowan. And they're only seven hundred dollars a pop. And you have to bring a, you have to have a cosigner for the loan. I'm gonna sign off, and listen, Maddie, I wanna end on a positive note. Which is, I really think I'm a great podcaster. And I think I'm a pretty good-looking guy. I can't come up with something positive about you. I just, no. You are fantastic. You do a great job. We all love you. We cherish you. I think something went very wrong. I think you're angry about something. It's reflected in this gift basket, which is a tragedy. It's a crime.

• 29:25Conan O'Brien?

  But I think it's easily fixed. But other than that, let me tell you, we are very lucky to have you. Okay?

• 29:30Speaker 03

  Thank you so much.

• 29:31Conan O'Brien?

  We love you. You're very funny, very creative. She's a very funny person.

• 29:33Speaker 01

  Oh, I love Maddie. And I love the snacks. I'm sorry.

• 29:36Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, no. Snacks are, there we go.

• 29:37Speaker 01

  Oh, you dick! That's the worst thing you could do to chips.

• 29:42Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 29:42Speaker 01

  That's really messed up.

• 29:43Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, not to those chips. That actually improved those chips.

• 29:46Speaker 01

  Oh my god!

• 29:47Speaker 03

  Also, can I just say, we have a guest coming in probably three minutes, and now all of these snacks are either eaten or just tarnished.

• 29:53Speaker 02

  These for today's guest?

• 29:54Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, guess what? Guess what? Here's what you should do. I'm smashing up all the snacks, and then see, see if Carol Lefer notices. Let's see if she can. Here, I'm gonna spit in this one. No! I'm not gonna do that. You know I like it. I like, I'm not gonna do that to her. We'll get her some, but, but, but seriously, let's, let's up the game a little bit and, and give people, I'd say a little bit of a mixture. Absolutely no seaweed, no mushroom jerky. Okay. Throw a couple of Oreos in there, but you can still have your gluten-free glim glams and glam glams. Okay? Well, this has been very informative. Thank you. I think it's been very informative and I think I had a little bit. Oh, my Arowan Haley paper smoothie.

• 30:32Conan O'Brien?

  They put actual pieces of gold in here.

• 30:34Speaker 02

  And actual pieces of Hailey Bieber.

• 30:36Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Okay, you went too far.

• 30:38Speaker 02

  It's red.

• 30:39Conan O'Brien?

  I like the joke. Thank you. Okay. It's red! Yeah, okay.

• 30:42Speaker 02

  Look at the bottom. Hold it up and look at the bottom.

• 30:45Conan O'Brien?

  That's right. That's her spleen. That's real genuine. Yeah, she really gave of herself to make this movie. Thanks, Hailey!

• 30:53Conan O'Brien?

  Peace out.

• 30:55Speaker 02

  Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sesian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

• 31:12Speaker 02

  Supervising producer, Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate producers, Sean Dougherty and Lisa Byrme. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm.com/conan. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are done.

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