223: Things To Do And Not Do When Single

How do you actually get okay being alone? In part one of a three part series, Sabrina answers your questions about being single: how to stop wanting a relationship so badly, how to grieve a breakup or a divorce without rushing the healing, and how to rebuild your identity when it was wrapped up in someone else. She gets into why making dating your hobby keeps you stuck, and the difference between feeling lonely and just being bored. She also covers the dating app validation loop and the delete then re-download cycle on Hinge and Bumble, why anxious and avoidant people are drawn to each other, the research on how fear of being single leads people to settle for less responsive partners, and the three non-negotiables and boundaries that changed her dating life. Plus a tool of the week and a product of the week. Come see me on tour! https://sabrinazohar.com/tour Pre-order Sabrina's book coming out October 2026,⁠⁠ "Why Am I Like This?"⁠⁠ Get your free workbook and access to the companion course after pre-ordering 'Why Am I Like This?' by filling out the form at the bottom of the page at ⁠http://sabrinazohar.com/book⁠ Take the new and improved dating quiz! ⁠sabrinazohar.com/quiz⁠ If you’re ready to slow down, trust your instincts, and break your old dating patterns, the Healthy Relationship Foundations Course walks you through it step-by-step ⁠⁠HERE!⁠⁠ Product of the week! https://a.co/d/08HxSyv2 Get Ad free ⁠⁠HERE!⁠⁠ Watch on Spotify. Spotify subscribers get fewer ads on my video. Want to work with Sabrina? ⁠⁠HERE!⁠⁠ Get merch for The Sabrina Zohar Show ⁠⁠HERE!⁠⁠ Don't forget to follow ⁠⁠Sabrina⁠⁠ and ⁠⁠The Sabrina Zohar Show⁠⁠ on Instagram and ⁠⁠Sabrina ⁠⁠on TikTok! Video now available on ⁠⁠YOUTUBE!⁠⁠ Chapters: 00:00 Why Being Single Feels Like Failure 03:24 Build A Full Life While Single 06:52 Don't Make Dating Your Hobby 10:25 Choose People Who Choose You 13:26 No One Is Coming To Save You 17:26 Stop Wanting A Relationship So Bad 20:53 When Are You Ready To Date Again 24:14 Rebuild Your Identity After A Breakup 26:57 Dating App Validation Loop 30:23 Take Yourself Out This Week Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formerly known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A. Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:02Speaker 00

  Fall never arrives all at once. First the air, then the light. And slowly, the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress. A hoodie slips beneath a blazer. An old cap finds a new scarf. Because you don't simply step into the season. You create it, layer by layer, until it finally feels like fall. Find fall your way at Ross.

• 0:30Sabrina Zohar?

  I used to think being single meant that there was something wrong with me. That I was a flawed garment. I used to joke with my mom and say, "You made a damaged good." And she would say, "No, no, I don't make work like that." Because I genuinely thought being single means, "Oh, it's because nobody wants me. That's why." Until I had to reframe. Not had to, I got to reframe. That being single, sure, it can mean that you feel alone. And that there are moments, because you're a human, that you really want to connect with somebody. But it can also be because you're selective. And you're not willing to put yourself into a position just to say that you have somebody there. Because like my mom always says, "I'd rather be alone than in bad company." For me, I would much rather love myself more than the need to be loved by other people. So what to do and what not to do when you're single?

• 1:15Sabrina Zohar?

  This is going to be a one of three-part series. Because next week will be what to do and not to do when you're dating. And then what to do and not to do when you're in a relationship. So, the first question you guys had asked is, "How do I become content alone? Really be okay alone?" And can I share, almost, so, @TheSabrinaZoharShow on Instagram. I do a question box for every single episode. Do not forget to follow along, so that you can partake, because that's how I get your questions. You can also send them to [email protected]. You can edit your profiles. You can leave a voice recording now at my website, where if you go to the podcast page, it says, "Leave a voice recording," and we'll play them. You can send in your stories and things like that. These episodes are only as good as you guys offering the information, so that I can meet you where you're at. And almost every single one of you guys wrote in, "How do I be okay being alone?

• 2:00Sabrina Zohar?

  How do I stop wanting a relationship so badly? But what if I told you that there's nothing wrong with you for wanting all of those things? But are you building a life that doesn't need a relationship to feel meaningful?" I think a lot of people treat being single like you're in a waiting room. You're waiting for life to happen. You're waiting for, "When this, then this. Do this, and then this will happen." And I can tell you, baby, as somebody who was just on the other side of this coin, right? Who was single for, pretty much in between every relationship, was like three to four to five years, before I had the next one, the next one. I was the queen of, "When I get this, then this." So when I get the boyfriend for me, right? Heterosexual norms. This show is for everybody. I'm just, when I tell you my personal experiences, it's going to come with those pronouns. When I get a boyfriend, then I'll be happy.

• 2:46Sabrina Zohar?

  When I get this job, when I make this money. And you realize that the target keeps moving. Because you can get the partner, you can lose the weight, you can make the money, you can get the job. You could do all of those things, but you're still stuck with yourself. And my thing would be, what is the narrative and story that you have created about being single? That you think that there's either something wrong with you? Nobody wants you? I'm gonna die alone? I will never meet anybody? But that scarcity mindset and that narrative that we start to play on, is exactly what's going to keep you single. The black and white dating advice, right? Do this to get this. Don't do this, do this, right? Don't go on a coffee date, because it makes you low value. Baby, you know what makes you low value? Is listening to bullshit like that. Is letting somebody else tell you how to live your life.

• 3:30Sabrina Zohar?

  You want to know why I love a coffee date? I love it because I value my time. I am busy. The last thing I need to do is get all fucking dolled up, waste an entire night to go out to dinner with someone where I don't even like them, and I don't want to be stuck sitting next to them, to find out that we're not compatible, even if they were great on paper. That's why I love coffee dates, or going on a hike, or a walk, or a trail, for your first date. That way, it's low risk for both people. If you like each other, great, the second date, you can have coffee. But if you are judging somebody based on what they do on a first date, you are cutting out so many people who value their time differently than maybe you fucking do. I want you to build a life that is so incredible and full and robust, that anybody coming into your life should be fucking lucky to have a place in it. And I think that's the biggest thing.

• 4:15Sabrina Zohar?

  I will tell you, for a long time, I didn't have that. I was filling my time with dating. That was it. Is, how many dates do I have? How many people am I going out with? How many guys am I texting? How many people are into me? You're right, like, that's why every day on social, I post a different photo from a different part of my life. I found so many photos from when I was single, that were just like thirst-trappy, that were just me looking like a snack, and looking sexy, and trying to send them to guys, to get their attention, to remind them that I existed. If you have to send a sexy photo for someone to remember that you exist, then baby, you already have somebody that isn't fucking right for you. Because you don't need to remind somebody who the fuck you are, for them to realize that they want it. You deserve somebody who sees you for who you are, not for the performance that you feel like you need to give, in order to be chosen by them.

• 5:00Sabrina Zohar?

  So I want to go over some do's and don'ts, right? I have so many questions that we're going to answer, and so many things that we're going to get into. Of course, as always, you guys have your tool of the week, and your product of the week at the end. Things that I actually think you're gonna love and try, that are not sponsored, that are just me sharing. And hopefully, one day, we do get them sponsored. Because then that means that the people that trust me want you. They love you. They want you guys to be part of this community and this circle, because they know that we have built something really special. So, let's, here's to hoping, right? We're growing together, my friends. Hello, hello, hello! Welcome to another episode of The Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar, and I am your host. My friends, welcome to part one of the three-part series. As always, don't forget to rate and review the show, share it with a friend, leave a comment, even just a heart, it helps more than you will know. If you don't finish an episode, Mark has finished.

• 5:45Sabrina Zohar?

  We're just telling Daddy Algo how much we love this show. And as always, don't forget to preorder my book. We're getting closer and closer, guys. We're now, what, a month and a half out from pub date? In fucking sane. Like, this is crazy to me. My dream is coming true, and I get to do that with you guys. So we are going to get New York Times bestselling list. The only way we're going to do it is when you order the hardcover. So wherever you are in the world, Amazon, it doesn't matter, please, please, please, you get a free course at SabrinaZohar.com/book. Don't forget. So all right, friends, let's go into my favorite do's and don'ts list. The first thing is, I want you to grieve. I don't want you to rush healing. So many questions that you guys asked about was like, "When do I get back out there?" And da-da-da-da-da. You are allowed to take the time to grieve. You are allowed to say, "I just experienced something," whether it was a three-month situation ship, a six-month relationship,

• 6:30Sabrina Zohar?

  a 10-year relationship, a marriage. It doesn't matter, wherever you are, you are allowed to grieve. And I think what happens is, so many of us try to just rush into the dating and go, because we want to avoid sitting with the feelings that are coming up. I had somebody reach out to me, and he said, "I am newly divorced. I was with this person for 10 years, and when we met, I really wasn't healthy. Now I'm on the other side of it, and shit, I'm realizing I'm repeating the same patterns." And he was like, "It's not even that, I can't date." He's like, "I have so many options. I don't even know what to do with them." And he's like, "I feel like I'm being disingenuous to some of them, and all of these girls want to go out." And my response to him was, "What are you avoiding dealing with by focusing on all of these people?" Because I know for me, after my big breakup, like after the biggie one

• 7:11Sabrina Zohar?

  that I've talked about in the book, and on episodes before, the one that really broke me, I took like five months, four or five months. Like, I didn't go on dating apps, I didn't want to look at anyone. And you know, it felt really good. It felt good in the sense where I was able to come back to me. Which goes into my next do and don't. Build a full life. You don't need to put your life on hold. And this is why being single is such a beautiful part of life. It doesn't mean that forever you need to be single. But I want you to enjoy your own company, and not fear the quiet, or the unknown, or what's gonna happen when you don't have a distraction. Expand your world. Don't make dating your hobby. And baby, I tell you that from personal experience. You know what's so funny? Ryan and I were talking about it this morning.

• 7:55Sabrina Zohar?

  We were kind of prepping the episode and everything. And I said, "Man, I really struggle to be alone." And he laughed, and he goes, "I never had that issue." I said, "Really?" And he was like, "I never felt lonely, I never felt like..." And it just shows you the anxious versus avoidant, right? For avoidantly leaning folks, like, they genuinely enjoy their own company. And I'm not saying one is healthy or not. But my point is, do you know why anxious and avoidant want each other? It's because we both see characteristics in each other that the other person finds admirable or wants. Not everything that avoidance do or anxious do are bad. It's not always negative. I found that so sexy when he said that. I was like, "Man, what would it feel like to live life and not feel like it's beholden to the fact that you have a partner or you don't?" Staying hopeful is really important. It doesn't mean that you're delusional.

• 8:39Sabrina Zohar?

  But becoming cynical and the like, "All men are trash, and all women are crazy, and no, I'm never gonna find anybody, and I'll be single alone forever." It's like, "Where's the world's smallest violin?" Right? Like, after a while, you're kind of like, "I'm done with this." Plenty of people, every person I fucking know on the planet has gotten their heart broken. You are not the only person. It is not just you. You're not the only one that's felt alone when you're single, or wonders if you'll ever find somebody. But baby, the more that you perpetuate this narrative and the story and all of these things, then yes, you will continue to repeat the same patterns, which is literally the fucking book I wrote. Whether you're single, dating, married, doesn't matter. This book is for you. Okay, shameless plug, but I'll be doing it. I'll be doing it until we fucking make that list. Miss these people. You're allowed to miss someone, and also know they're not right for you.

• 9:24Sabrina Zohar?

  But you don't need to romanticize them. We don't need to put them on a pedestal. They never asked to be on. I got ripped a fucking new one, when I talked about, "Do you know why your ex seems like they've moved on, and you're still pining after them for three, four, five fucking months, or even years?" Some of you guys have written in and been like, "It's been three years, and I still think about them, and I miss them." And it's like, "No, no, no, no." You're putting them to a standard they never even fucking lived up to. Because it's not about who they actually were anymore. It's about what you're perceiving that meant about you. And oftentimes, we're mourning the life that we thought we were gonna have, and the future, and all those things. That's human, but keep it in perspective. You're allowed to want love, but it doesn't mean that love needs to validate you. You're allowed to build a community. Like, when I was single, I was going to every workout class.

• 10:09Sabrina Zohar?

  Like, I'm big into fitness, it's a huge part of my life. Like, I love, like, my dream right now is to work with like Lululemon, or Aloe, or somebody, to bring mental health in another capacity. To showcase how fitness, and health, and wellness, all blend into dating and relationships, and becoming the best version of yourself. Which is also why I am trying to get different types of doctors and conversations for the podcast. If you want to listen, great. If you don't, that's okay too. But there's so much more to life, and to love, and to relationships, than it is just about, "Look, talk about the anxious and avoidant." There's also about building community, right? That's the biggest thing. That's the biggest misconception. That there's one person that's going to heal you and solve everything, and that the one, the one, the one. It takes community.

• 10:53Sabrina Zohar?

  One person can't be your everything. I want you to choose people who choose you, not convince people to fucking choose you. And honestly, this was a biggie for me. I want you to get your needs satisfied. Now, does that mean a friend with benefits? For some time, for some of us, it does. I was horny as fuck. Like, when I met Ryan, that's why I was like, meh, if I never see this guy again, that was fun. I needed it. I've told you guys about the erectile dysfunction guy. No shade, but like, girl has needs, right? Like, I don't need to shame anybody. But I also had men at the time, again, heterosexual norms, that were wanting that, that I would do it and I'd leave. And I felt so small and shitty and hollowed out. And I was like, this isn't what I want, right?

• 11:35Sabrina Zohar?

  You don't have to abandon yourself to make it work, even if you don't want it. This is where, when you're single, start a routine. Create the life you want that's so fucking amazing that somebody would be lucky to be part of it. And that was my biggest thing. That was my biggest goal when I really started to date was, people would always say, when I met them, they're like, man, you have like so many cool friends and you do so many things and you've got this amazing life. And it's like, yeah, you're welcome. You're welcome to join it if you've earned a place in it. I didn't just like open up my life to Ryan within five minutes. The thing I told you guys about this had, I would always give, when I had my clothing company, I would always give men clothing, immediately, immediately. They liked, they said they liked green. I'd be like, oh, I have green pants for you. I'll never forget that motherfucker.

• 12:18Sabrina Zohar?

  And with Ryan, I made him wait like seven or eight months before I gave him any software. Cause I was like, you are welcomed into my life once you've earned a place in my life. And it's also about like holding to conflicting thoughts. You can do all the healing in the world alone, but you will be triggered when you date or you partner up. We are so used to running from red flags that we forget the green ones can feel just as scary because you finally have to acknowledge, maybe there wasn't something wrong with me. Maybe my core beliefs aren't fucking right. Maybe it's just that I literally hadn't met the right person. And maybe it was that I hadn't become the right person in order to welcome the right one into my life. It's also why I fucking hate, stay single, it's easier. No, that's actually avoidance. It's not about it being easier.

• 12:58Sabrina Zohar?

  It's about growth and challenging your core beliefs and the patterns that keep you in the same bullshit cycles. We hurt in relationships, we also heal in them. I'm not saying to go out when you're a hot fucking mess and try to date people so that they fix you. But what I am saying is, you can do all of this healing. The minute you start to put yourself out there, other things are gonna come up. That doesn't mean that you haven't grown. Now that just means that you get to grow in a different fucking way. The number one thing I want you to do while you are single, take this time now to understand, what did I use to accept that I'm no longer willing to? Three non-negotiables and boundaries that changed my life and ultimately led me to my partner. The first one, you have to be done with your ex. I am done with this bullshit of like, me and my ex are best friends. Unless you have kids or fucking property, I don't want to hear it. I'm not your therapist, I'm not your homie, I'm not here to help you. Move past it.

• 13:43Sabrina Zohar?

  I want you to be ready to be able to let somebody into your life. The second thing, you have to be able to say I'm sorry or take ownership. I am not interested in somebody that is going to deflect and dismiss and make me feel small, baby. I have done the work, I need you to also be doing it. And the third, I need your intentionality to be words and actions aligning. Have the conversations early on. What is it that you're looking for? What type of relationship do you want? Stop waiting two, three, or four months to fucking find out that this person just wants a casual hookup. It's going to change your life because you're taking life in your hands. You're taking full control. Want nine years of therapy in one sentence? No one is coming to save you but yourself. Outsourcing that job is why you'll continue to date people who waste your time because you are so focused on them choosing you, you haven't even fucking chosen yourself.

• 14:26Sabrina Zohar?

  And what that looks like is, what are the parts of myself that I think are not lovable? What do I, what is the behavior I exhibit? Right? If you keep saying, no, I do love myself. I've had that where I'll ask people, I'm like, do you think you deserve love? And they're like, of course, absolutely. And it's like, great. So then what's about with the way that your dating life is? Cause if you genuinely believe, like in your heart of hearts, this is why when you're single, take up a meditation practice. Journal, start going on your walks, fill up your days with things that you genuinely want to do. Because that way, if you don't have this person in your life, it's not hell in a handbasket where you're like, but everything was beholden on them choosing me. Instead, it's, I choose myself, I'm there for myself, I love myself. And if this person, great, it works out, great, we'll have a life together. And if it doesn't, that's okay too. I have a really full and robust life.

• 15:11Sabrina Zohar?

  I can tell you this, my babies, people can pick up on the energy when it's the opposite. I have been on my fair share of dates, I have. I've been out with, with men specifically, where they're just so thirsty. And it's like, oh, you don't care who you're in a relationship with, you just want to be in one. And I was that girl. Two of the biggie relationships when I was 19 and then like 25, the Ken doll I told you guys about too. They were just, oh, look, someone's there, right? I don't want just a relationship, I want the right relationship. I don't just want a partner, I want the right partner. I want somebody that's gonna challenge me in the right ways. That's why I was single for a while before Ryan. It was because I was like, I'm not willing to just take whatever comes my way. I'm not gonna stay quiet just because you can't satisfy my needs. Then you're not the right person for me. And that was, that's the thing.

• 15:54Sabrina Zohar?

  Staying single also means, or being single also means, you have got to be able to grieve and be okay with things not working out. That's the work that we want to do. What are those parts of you that keep coming out being like, I'm worried, I'm scared? And this is why I have the Healthy Dating Foundation course. This is exactly why. Because it helps you set a solid foundation. So you can understand your boundaries, your non-negotiables, what it is that you need to feel fulfilled, how you want to show up, how you want to communicate. That way, when you're done with it, you're done with the eight weeks, you get to decide how you want to show up. And then you get to decide what you're willing to allow in your life. Grandma Lucy used to always say, show me where your friends are and I'll tell you who you are. And it's the same in dating. My best tip, baby, when you're single, you want physical touch, but you don't want to be intimate?

• 16:39Sabrina Zohar?

  Go get a massage. Let someone love on you and all you have to do is pay the fucking bill and leave. Cause sometimes that's really what it is. Sometimes you're like, I don't even want to be intimate with someone, I just want someone to touch me. I used to go every month. If you can afford it, maybe every two, three months, right? You can do whatever is feasible for you. But this is the time for you to take care of yourself, for you to love on yourself in the ways that you so badly want someone else to love you. I was just saying something brilliant, I get that. But I had to interrupt you guys to share a very special announcement. I'm going on tour! But we have a minor change in that tour. So, I will be in the UK, October 6th, we have a live show, baby. Go get your tickets, me and Tom Stroud, we're gonna be having a Q and A. And then October 27th, I will be in San Diego, doing that with Ms. Masha K.,

• 17:24Sabrina Zohar?

  our favorite nervous system expert. I had a show in October 16th in LA and unfortunately, we had a snafu with the theater and so we had to reschedule that. We are aiming to move that to December. So my babies, thank you, we have refunded everybody. And I cannot tell you how goddamn grateful I am. You guys are helping me make my dream come true. I get to hug you and meet you and share my new fucking book with you. And if you can't come see me live, that's okay, baby. Thank you for pre-ordering and I'll come to your city soon. I love you, friends, I'll see you soon.

• 17:54Speaker 00

  Fall never arrives all at once. Burst the air, then the light. And slowly, the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress, a hoodie slips beneath a blazer, an old cap finds a new scarf. Because you don't simply step into the season. You create it, layer by layer, until it finally feels like fall. Find fall your way at Ross.

• 18:23Speaker 02

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• 18:27Speaker 03

  Nah, I got this. Hmm, okay, I don't got this.

• 18:32Speaker 02

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• 18:35Speaker 04

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• 18:43Speaker 02

  You do got this.

• 18:45Speaker 04

  Nyquil Intense Flu, the nighttime sniffling, aching, aching fever, best sleep with a flu medicine. Uses directed, keep out of reach of children.

• 18:52Sabrina Zohar?

  So when you guys ask, how to stop wanting a relationship so bad? I want you to start to ask yourself, am I craving connection or am I afraid of being alone? Because oftentimes, we let fear choose our partner. And when you're so desperate for, you know, if we're, if you're like, wow, you know, I'm really craving connection. I really want to like understand somebody and get into their head and experience new things, great. Right? But be honest with yourself, because I think a lot of you guys will answer, like, no, no, it's definitely that. But then look what's under the hood, start to get curious about the narrative. Because if it's that you're craving connection, you'll also know that you make connection with friends and you make connection in other ways, right? So it's not all about, I need to find a partner, versus, am I afraid of being alone? That's where a lot of the anxieties and the narratives and the stories come because we feel like we're back to being a six-year-old kid.

• 19:35Sabrina Zohar?

  I can tell you this right now, you will never be that age again. And that's the best news ever. You will never be a kid again who is scared that no one's gonna come back and get them. That's why anxious attachers, that's why we go towards and we want someone that chooses us. And there's a lot of you guys that might be listening, being like, I love being single. Being single is great. It's like, good baby, go do you, I'd enjoy that process. But where that starts to go and the line is like, oh, I just haven't found the right person yet. Yep, that just happened. It's like, hmm, I would argue that you probably have met a ton of people that would be really compatible for you. So then are our standards so high that we're cutting people off, right? That's just, I can't answer that for you unless I had a full-on conversation with you. That's why I work one-on-one with people. But I want you to take stock of that. I want you to be with yourself and get curious of like, yeah, it's true.

• 20:20Sabrina Zohar?

  Am I hoping that this person, like me, I've told you guys about the YouTube guy? That was the big, you know, big guy in my old neighborhood when I lived there a few years ago. It had nothing to do with, about me choosing the right partner. I was so scared of being alone that I figured, well, if I go with him, he's cute, he's all those things. But then that means like, then I'll be, people will respect me, people will like me. People will think, see, look, my, my family is going to approve of me. And it's like, none of that stuff's gonna happen. You gotta be okay with you. And then again, the right person will come in. And there was a study done, Stephanie Spielman's Fear of Being Single. It was research done that found that people who feared being single were more likely to settle for less and pursue less responsive partners. Because when we're so terrified...

• 21:02Sabrina Zohar?

  That we're gonna be left and abandoned and all of these things. You take what you can get. That's why I ended up with my ex was because I was like, well, he's here and he likes me and he's willing to do all these things. But I never stopped once to be like, how do I feel when I'm with him? It wasn't that he was a bad guy. He was a lovely human being, but I was bored. We didn't have anything in common. We liked like two of the same shows, Vice Principals and Ballers. We would watch our HBO night, but like outside of that, he was not really into the music that I was in. He wasn't into the taste. He didn't want the same life as I did. He wanted to move back to the Midwest and have a big family at 40. And he was 40. I was 20. No, he was, I think 11 years older than me. So he was mid 30s, almost closer to 40. And I was like 25, 26. So and like, you know,

• 21:44Sabrina Zohar?

  hey, you do you, baby, with your age gaps. But it just wasn't what I wanted. And he was pursuing his career and wanted to travel the world. And I had just gotten started with mine. And I wanted to stay in New York. He wanted to give up his apartment. I wanted to stay. I was just now getting into my groove. And that's okay. But I wish I had been more discerning, because if I had been, we probably wouldn't have made it past the first date. Another question you guys had asked is, when will I know to start dating again after a four month situation ship? I want you to fill in after a divorce, a breakup, right? So the first thing, there is an element of please take time for yourself. Now, there are some times like right when I broke up with the guy right before Ryan, it was a two month thing. I'd already been doing a ton of work on myself. I'd already processed it. I knew what was going on. So like, of course, I was like, I'm ready to meet someone

• 22:27Sabrina Zohar?

  else. Next, next. And that's why you don't need to be exclusive with someone after one or two fucking dates. Like, give yourself time to assess if this is the right person. Because the whole time with the other guy, I, we both were open to dating other people. No one, we did not decide, like, no one had said that we were only seeing each other. And I did that very specifically because I wasn't sure if this guy was gonna work out for me. Same with Ryan. We didn't, we were both open for like, almost six or seven weeks until we both decided like, okay, let's close this off. Because I didn't want to just take anybody. I was still dating. I was still going out because I really wanted to make sure if I'm choosing this partner, you get to choose. You do. So, when do you know you're ready? You're date because you're curious about somebody. You're okay if it

• 23:10Sabrina Zohar?

  doesn't work out. Your worth isn't on the line. You're open to whatever comes. And if that means this is your partner cool, and if not, like, you have a really beautiful and robust life. Maybe you've been working with someone, a coach, a therapist, like whoever aligns with you that you feel is helpful. That's when you know you're ready. But you don't date because you're trying to stop thinking about someone else, or you're scared you're gonna be alone forever, or you're not sure what's gonna happen. You're avoiding dealing with the pain and the reality of the breakup. Because a lot of you guys had been saying like, I still love this person and da, da, da. It's like, you're allowed to miss someone, but don't mistake missing them for a sign that you guys belong together. I think this is why single is so hard for a lot of you guys. You're seeing it as a punishment, but not a chance to reclaim who you truly are. I remember after my biggie

• 23:54Sabrina Zohar?

  ex again, the one I write about in the book, please don't forget to go get your gappy and get it for all your friends. He after, I didn't even know what food I liked because he wouldn't let me go to half the restaurants that we wanted to. I didn't even know what I wanted to wear or what fashion I liked, because he told me what I could wear and what looked stupid on me. I didn't know who I was. I had no idea. And I had to become so in love with myself that I didn't let anyone fuck with me. I became so okay being alone. I relished in it. I loved it. I will tell you this right now. When Ryan tells me he wants to go to town, I'm like, ciao, see ya, bye. Okay, thank you. Bye. Get the fuck out of the house. Same with him. Like, he gets excited when I'm like, oh, I'm gonna be out for the day. He's like, yeah, all right, cool. It's not because we don't love each other or care about each other. It's because we both really value our time alone

• 24:38Sabrina Zohar?

  because I recharge that way. I want to watch my murder mysteries. Maybe I put ID Channel in business. I love a murder documentary more than I think I love life itself at this point. I, it's my thing. I love it. And for him, he likes doing his thing, playing FIFA and all that shit. And I was like, good, you do you, baby. Because I used to get excited. I would take myself out on dates. I would go to my favorite Thai restaurant. Like, I would make it a night. I'd be like, tonight, babe, I'm bringing my book. I have my headphones on. Or I'd go with Clem. And I'm like, it's just gonna be me and you tonight, my babes. And I'd go get a massage. I'd come home, I'd pick him up. I would go out to dinner. I'd come back, I'd like set the candles in my house. I had the incense. I would sit and read a book. I would cry. I would journal. I would feel. I would do yoga, right? I would like pop an edible in and do a flow. I did anything that it made me feel good. And then

• 25:23Sabrina Zohar?

  I'd wake up and I'd go on my long walk with him because I really wanted to get curious about what was coming up for me and then be okay with being with just myself. Because if I'm not okay being with me, then how is somebody else going to be? So, another question was newly single, having difficulty coping with the void of my ex. How do you cope and love yourself? Well, this is where you have to start to rebuild your identity. And it's otherwise, you make healing about getting over them. So there was a study done. One of the biggest predictors of distress after a breakup, it wasn't about losing the partner. It was losing self-concept. It was losing that clarity, feeling less certain about who you are. Because for a lot of us, like, I could tell you this, if the podcast ended tomorrow, I think I would struggle. I would struggle because it's become so much part

• 26:06Sabrina Zohar?

  of my identity. That doesn't mean that I couldn't move on. That just means that I've put a lot of myself into the show. And if it was a breakup like anything else, like when the name changed, it was a breakup. And I know some of you guys have been with me from the fucking get, and I couldn't be more grateful. And some of you guys are new and they're like, I don't know what you're talking about. Don't worry, probably on the book. You, I told you guys, I'm gonna be shamelessly plugging until we get the fucking list. So, don't you worry about a thing. I really, I think I would struggle and not because there's nothing wrong with me, because I'm a human. I put my whole identity into the fact that I thought I was gonna become the next caller daddy. I thought I was gonna be the next Mel Robbins podcast. I thought I was gonna be the next Diary of

• 26:47Sabrina Zohar?

  CEO. I genuinely did believe that. And then when it was taken from me, I had to deal with the mourning of that breakup and the self-concept and who am I if I'm not the podcast host? Who am I if I'm not do the work? I'm the Sabrina Zohar Show. No, you know what I am? I'm Sabrina Zohar. I'm who I am. I'm authentically me. And I am so grateful that I didn't give up. I'm not saying that everything is magically bounced back. That's why I beg you guys to share the show and tell your friends and please support our sponsors. It's like, because it's gotten really tough. But that doesn't mean we're gonna give up. And that's the same of like dating and putting yourself out there and showing up every fucking day. You're allowed to say I'm feeling discouraged, but that doesn't mean it has to mean anything about your worth.

• 27:33Speaker 00

  Fall never arrives all at once. First the air, then the light. And slowly, the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress. A hoodie slips beneath a blazer. An old cap finds a new scarf. Because you don't simply step into the season. You create it layer by layer, until it finally feels like fall. Find fall your way at Ross.

• 28:00Sabrina Zohar?

  This I thought was an interesting question. So what he said, tips for getting not, for not getting addicted to the validation from Hinge. I'm on a delete, re-download dopamine reward loop. So, I want you guys to use dating apps as a tool, but not as a measure of your worth. So I want you to take back. I want you to take a step back. I want you to look at the platform. What is their end goal, right? That's like being like, I keep going to the casino and gambling and I don't know what, how do I stop just being addicted to gambling? It's like, okay, what do you think that the casino, the house always wins? They're there because they want to make money off of you. No shit. Now, if you know what you're doing, great. The apps want you to spend a ton of type swi, time swiping and constantly going because that's how they keep themselves in business. So that's where

• 28:41Sabrina Zohar?

  boundaries are really important. Boundaries are important. I was the queen of delete Bumble and re-download it. I don't like that platform. It's not my, it's not my platform. Now, has it maybe changed in the recent times? I don't know. But it's not my thing. I like Hinge a little bit more. I wish Hinge would sponsor me. Shout out to Hinge, if you want to. That's how I'm my partner. There won't, don't worry. This is just me telling you the authentic, the real truth. But I, for me, I think what I want you guys to look at is every time you re-download it, what do you think you're going to get from it? Because then that sounds like we're on a bit of a hope loop. There's also intermittent rewards. Every time you see a notification, you release serotonin and neoprenephrine and oxytocin because you're getting all excited and you want to attach to somebody. But when you're waiting, every time you check your phone, maybe this person messaged, maybe

• 29:26Sabrina Zohar?

  that's dopamine. You get the anticipation of what's it gonna happen? When's it gonna happen? Plus the hope, maybe today I'll meet my partner. Maybe today, this person's gonna change my life. Maybe this date is it. And that's why I'm saying, when you release control of the outcome and you just show up authentically, they have a lot less control over you. But every time I would delete it, I had to look at the narrative associated with it. And then every time I'd re-download it, I was like, oh, I think that this is gonna save me. That this is gonna just be the thing that, that gets me out of this. And so I was downloading it because I didn't want to deal with the fact that I felt hopeless. And then I would delete it because I was like, I can't be reminded the fact that this isn't working. And so that was the cycle I was in. I want you to get curious about the cycle that you're in. What happens right before you delete it? What happens right

• 30:10Sabrina Zohar?

  before you re-download it? Start to get curious. Because you guys had asked how to be okay alone and not sad or lonely and needing a distraction. Here's the other side. Who said you're not gonna feel sad?

• 30:23Sabrina Zohar?

  Who said, right, there's a difference between lonely and bored. Lonely, I understand that. I want connection. I really want to connect with somebody. I want to have a conversation. Again, you can go to a coffee shop and do that. Bored is, I don't want to deal with what's coming up. And so I'd rather fill my time with something else because that's more painless than dealing with the reality and truth is. You don't need to fill every fucking quiet moment with another person. And that's where I thought it was really interesting how Ryan had said, I don't feel like that. He was like, I really love my company. I really love being with myself. And that's what makes it different is that we get to choose who enters our sphere. And I know, you know, this was, I think, the hardest one I'd read. I hate being single and I also feel like I'll never find my person, even if I do, they might leave me.

• 31:06Sabrina Zohar?

  I have to say, there is a lot of work that needs to be done before you start to get into dating, because look at the narrative, I hate being single. I will never find my person, even if they do, they might leave me. But the reality is, honey bear, anybody can leave you, anything can end tomorrow. You can stay open, but that doesn't mean that fear has to write your future. That's where that that fear of being single study comes. What was interesting is researchers also found that fear of being single predicts stronger attachment to unavailable partners and even longing for exes. What we're trying to escape isn't loneliness, it's the meaning we've attached to being alone. And so if you hate being single, that's the first thing, then you're going to just, for trying to fit a circle in a square peg.

• 31:49Sabrina Zohar?

  That's what I mean by there is a baseline of healing that needs to be done when you're single, before you can start to go out there and date. Because if you're constantly in scarcity mindset, then you're going to take what you can get, because at this point, you don't think that you deserve any better than that. So let's talk about the tool of the week. It's a simple one, my babies. I want you to schedule one thing this week that you've been waiting to do with a partner. Maybe let's go to a specific restaurant, or take a class, or drive to the fucking beach, or get a concert ticket. I don't care what it is. Stop outsourcing experiences to someone who doesn't even exist yet. You're allowed to go and have fun. Maybe call your friends and be like, hey, do you want to go? Like, even me, I fucking Backstreet Boys, Ryan was like, I am so not going, no doubt. And I was like, no worries.

• 32:33Sabrina Zohar?

  I called my girlfriend, Sam, who was on the podcast, I love her, Sam Murphy. And we went to Backstreet Boys, we had the fucking time of our life. My sister and I went to, uh, no doubt, together. I already told Ryan, if Spice Girls comes, ciao, see you later. I'm buying myself a ticket and fuck the world and I will be there. Because I don't want to put my life on hold for something that may never happen. Now, let's talk about product of the week. This one's a different, it's for my ladies, right? For my dudes, you guys can figure something out. I want you to try a different product than you normally would and see how you feel. So, I'm obsessed with these. This is, I wish it was sponsored more than anything, because I'm obsessed with Urban Decay. They had just sent me like a PR box and I got these eyeliners. I'm fucking obsessed. It's the 24/7 liquid stick. I'm wearing it. Normally, I do, well, no, first, I used to only do black.

• 33:15Sabrina Zohar?

  Then I went to the green. And then today I said, I'm going to try this burgundy. I've never done that. I am feeling myself so hard. I feel like a million dollars. I was like, man, my makeup looks phenomenal. It's so subtle. I love it. And that's what I'm saying, this is not, it could be any brand, it could be anything. Change up your look. Maybe put a different eyeshadow on. Do your hair in a different way. Get a different blouse. I don't care. Do, this is your time to feel yourself, to explore, to try new things, to become the version that you wish you could meet. Become the partner you're so desperately craving. That's what I want you to do when you're single. Focus on becoming lovable and incredible and a safe space and all of these things, because then that way, not only are you looking for a partner that's going

• 33:59Sabrina Zohar?

  to also do that, you've become the partner that you so badly want and so badly needed as a kid. That is a corrective experience and that is how you will find someone who will love you for you, so that you can also love you for you too, baby. Being single isn't the problem. Abandoning yourself because being single is the problem. It's not about becoming someone who like, doesn't want love. That, to me, is just the bullshit, right? When I hear, that's why when I see people do that of like, stay, it's easier and no one triggers me, I don't have to deal with it. I get to protect my peace. And it's like, are you fucking kidding me? Protect your peace? It's like, you mean, so not have to deal with consequences or anybody calling you on your shit? Yeah, that's one way to say it. And I understand what you're saying. Don't abandon yourself to bring someone in your life who's going to make it harder

• 34:44Sabrina Zohar?

  and not easier for you. The goal is to become someone whose standards don't disappear because love hasn't shown up yet. That's my goal, is for you to become so strong within yourself, that no matter what comes your way, you got it, baby. So next week, we're going to have what to do and not to do in dating. So stay along for the series and then we'll do relationships last. And I don't want to hear the bullshit of like, well, I'm not in a relationship, so I'm not going to listen. Learn. You want to get ready for what's to come, then you need to hear other conversations about how to be in those situations. I am not a multimillion dollar business yet, but you don't think I listen to people that are so I can learn and understand and grow from their experiences? So come back, my angels. Don't forget to rate and review the show, share it with a friend. And please, please, just preorder my fucking book. You can work with me, ask a question, join one of the courses, all of those things are

• 35:29Sabrina Zohar?

  available at springizora.com. But I am begging you guys, I am 100% going to get disowned for this book. My sister and brother and I have spoken about it, it's already in the works. And I want nothing more than to at least say, me speaking my truth, if it helps one person, I did my fucking job. And if I can at the very least make that list, yay, it was all worth it. It will be worth it no matter what, but please order the hardcover. That's my beg to you. Follow along, we got episodes every Friday, we got a Tuesday bonus. Don't forget to submit your questions. This episode is only as good as you guys help me make it, because again, I want to meet you where you're at. I don't want to talk at you, I want to talk with you. And that's why I'm so fucking grateful for this community. I love you guys so much. And thank you for allowing me to be me and showing up as you. All right, my friends, until next time.

• 36:20Speaker 00

  Fall never arrives all at once. First the air, then the light. And slowly, the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress. A hoodie slips beneath a blazer. An old cap finds a new scarf. Because you don't simply step into the season, you create it layer by layer, until it finally feels like fall. Find fall your way at Ross.