Episode 476: The Secret to Raising Mentally Strong Kids in a Fragile World

Listen to the full episode: https://mindpumppodcast.com/2575-raising-resilient-children-with-jen-cohen/ While we're trying harder than ever to be "good parents," we're accidentally raising the most fragile generation in history. In today's Fitness Friday episode, I'm sharing an excerpt from my conversation on the Mind Pump Podcast about how to raise resilient kids. We share the alarming statistics showing skyrocketing rates of anxiety, depression, and suicide among young people, while exploring how our well-intentioned parenting methods may be doing more harm than good. From the elimination of boredom to the rise of helicopter parenting, we discuss how we've shifted from a "challenge culture" to a "coddle culture" - and why that's backfiring spectacularly. Tune in today to learn the shocking impact of smartphones and social media on childhood development, including how technology has robbed kids of essential social skills and real-world experiences that build resilience. What we discuss: Why Kids Are More Fragile and Anxious Than Ever Before The Real Problem with Modern "Gentle Parenting" Culture How We've Created a Coddle Culture vs. Challenge Culture Why Eliminating Boredom is Destroying Children's Creativity The Smartphone Crisis: How Technology Killed Childhood Why 26% of Gen Z Bring Parents to Job Interviews How Social Media Destroyed Real-World Social Skills The Pornography Epidemic Starting at Age 10 Why Kids Need to Experience Failure and Frustration The Connection Between Screen Time and Rising Mental Health Issues Thank you to our sponsor: Momentous: Shop this link https://www.livemomentous.com/?srsltid=AfmBOorDUIZz3psr1Qsq_n1yE8_6JTq_QUFabOO9lH65HDEXCIoJOPLj and use code Jen for 20% off Therasage: Head over to therasage.com http://therasage.com/ and use code Be Bold for 15% off TruNiagen: Head over to truniagen.com http://truniagen.com/ and use code HUSTLE20 to get $20 off any purchase over $100. Magic Mind: Head over to www http://www/.magicmind.com http://magicmind.com//jen and use code Jen at checkout. 99designs by Vista: 99designs.com/jen20 http://99designs.com/jen20 – click "Claim my discount" to get $20 off your first design contest. Find more from Mind Pump: Website: https://mindpumppodcast.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mindpumpmedia/ Find more from Jen: Website: https://www.jennifercohen.com/ Instagram: @therealjencohen Books: https://www.jennifercohen.com/books Speaking: https://www.jennifercohen.com/speaking-engagements

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  Hi guys, this is Tony Robbins. You're listening to Habits and Hustle. Crush it.

• 0:07Jen Cohen?

  Hey friends, you're listening to Fitness Friday on the Habits and Hustle Podcast, where myself and my friends share quick and very actionable advice for you becoming your healthiest self. So stay tuned and let me know how you leveled up.

• 0:29Jen Cohen?

  Before we dive into today's episode, I want to thank our sponsor Momentous. When your goal is health span, living better and longer, there are very few non-negotiables. One of them, quality. And when it comes to supplements designed for high performers, nobody does it better than Momentous. Momentus goes all in on NSF certification, which means every single batch is tested for heavy metals, harmful additives, and label accuracy. And that's why they're trusted by all 32 NFL teams and top collegiate sports dietitians across the country. Here's the thing, they don't sell every supplement under the sun,

• 1:11Jen Cohen?

  because they believe in nailing the basics with rock solid consistency, and those basics are protein and creatine. Momentus sources Creapure, the purest form of creatine monohydrate available, an absolute must for both men and women who want peak physical and cognitive performance. So if you're serious about leveling up, go to livemomentous.com and use code GEN for 20% off. Just act now. Start today. GEN for 20% off. livemomentous.com.

• 1:53Jen Cohen?

  What I've been noticing as you know, through the, throughout the years is over time, kids are becoming more and more fragile, more and more frail. And it's really, the onus is on the parent. And I think this whole culture, a culture of gentle parenting has really made our kids weaker. And so I wanted to have a platform or create some type of platform where we can kind of come together, unite and create mental resilience in our, our little, or in our, in the younger generation. And so to me also, if you want to be a mentally strong person, why not start when they're, when you are a child?

• 2:38Jen Cohen?

  Like, these are habits and tools that are, are, are important throughout your life. So why would you're like, what, 21, 25, then you start to learn how to be mentally resilient? Start when you're a kid and get the foundation, prime your brain, prime yourself for failure, for resilience, because life's not easy. Life isn't easy. And if we coddle our children, which is what a lot of people are doing now in this, in this time, it's actually, you're, you're doing a disservice.

• 3:10Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 3:11Jen Cohen?

  In a real way.

• 3:12Speaker 02

  So this is a great topic, but there's a quote you just reminded me, I think it was Frederick Douglass that's, Douglas that said, "It's easier to raise strong children than it is to fix broken men."

• 3:19Jen Cohen?

  Hmm.

• 3:20Speaker 02

  Uh, and I think it was Frederick Douglass, maybe Doug can look that up, make sure I'm not messing that up. But let's get, let's go back to, for a second, because I understand gentle parenting very well.

• 3:29Jen Cohen?

  Are you a gentle parent?

• 3:31Speaker 02

  But a lot of people misunderstand what it means. So I want to know from you, what you, what you're referring to, when you, because it's like intuitive dieting. Like, when I say intuitive dieting, people have this completely. You're talking about helicopter parenting? Skewed view of what it is. Um, so what do you, what are the characteristics of what you're talking about of this coddling type of, of, of, of parent that raises these? Because by the way, uh, and I know you have the data to support this.

• 3:56Jen Cohen?

  Yeah.

• 3:57Speaker 02

  I'm familiar with it. Uh, it's true. We are raising children that are more fragile and less resilient.

• 4:03Jen Cohen?

  Than ever before.

• 4:04Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 4:05Jen Cohen?

  Let me, let me, let me just start by answering your question of what in my belief is gentle parenting. Gentle parenting, in, in my opinion, is snow plowing all difficulty away from your children.

• 4:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's not, see, okay, great.

• 4:19Jen Cohen?

  And, and, and, and snow plowing challenges. We've created a culture of coddle culture versus challenge culture. And challenge is what makes you stronger and makes you more resilient. So let's start with that. Uh, I would also say, part of this stuff is helicopter parenting, participation trophies, uh, creating a space where safe space, there's safe spaces and triggers. All of this lingo and language, in my opinion, is creating a soft child, which then creates a soft teenager, a soft adult, which by the way, I will tell you, some of this, some of this is causing suicidal rates to, to increase.

• 5:04Jen Cohen?

  Anxiety is through the roof. Depression is through the roof. When you don't feel competent and capable of like taking care of yourself and having any form of self-efficacy, what happens to you as a, as a human being is, is beyond detrimental, right?

• 5:22Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 5:22Jen Cohen?

  And we've seen it. I mean, the reason why, like, what, the reason why we are, we all, we, we were all raised in a very different time, where independence was very much a thing. We took, we, we took risk. We were kind of like thrown into independence because our parents weren't watching our every single, single move. And another big one is boredom. We've eliminated boredom from our children's lives, where we are over scheduling everything because our, because we're so nervous of our kids missing out on anything. When the reality is boredom is where creativity lives. It's where kids think for themselves and figure shit out.

• 6:06Jen Cohen?

  And if we're, if we're eliminating all of these things, what is our child left to do? They're not thinking for themselves, they're not acting on their own. Their parents are getting them out of every, you know, uncomfortable, challenging situation. And we're left with like basically a blob of a human being. That's what we're left with.

• 6:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, you know why, by the way, you know, what, what's your, why do you think parents are doing that? Why do you think parents? Aren't letting their kids be bored, or why do you think parents are not letting their kids struggle?

• 6:35Jen Cohen?

  I think what's happened because over time, we've evolved to a place where parents rather be your be their child's friend than being their parent. They're so scared of being disliked by their child that they're just like not parenting anymore. They're not disciplining anymore. They're not, they're so, they're so scared of that particular thing. When the reality is, our job as a parent isn't to be liked all the time, isn't to make our kids happy all the time. It's actually the opposite. Our job as a parent is to make our kid resilient, make them competent, make them capable. We are not, we are taking away everything from our kids. Chores are no longer even in most homes anymore.

• 7:20Jen Cohen?

  Like when I was a kid, there was no chance that I was not going to be forced to make my bed, put my dishes away. And when I was 12 years old, I had a job. I was working at the Olive Garden by 12. In today's time, kids aren't even babysitting anymore. They've like, there's no more babysitting. Like, I mean, do your kid, like, how old are your kids?

• 7:39Speaker 02

  Yeah, so, well, I have four. I have two older ones and two younger ones. So 19, 15, and then four and two.

• 7:46Jen Cohen?

  Okay.

• 7:46Speaker 02

  But you know, when you mentioned, you said confidence, independence, that all goes down to security. Right? When a kid feels secure, then they can do all those things. And they don't feel secure when they don't feel like they can tackle the challenge. It feels insecure.

• 8:05Jen Cohen?

  Well, also because what hap, there's a couple of things, right? There's like, there's like that learning space in the middle.

• 8:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 8:11Jen Cohen?

  Right? You have on one side, not knowing how to do something. And then the other side, you have having the ability and competence to do something. But in the middle, it's like that learning, I can't do, I can't do. And so it's very frustrating, even as an adult. If I can't figure something out, I get super like anxious and frustrating, but frustrated. But I've learned. That like it's part of it's part of growing is like being comfortable enough in that frustration to try and try again, which is why I talk all about like that 10% target that I that I usually come on and talk about, which is making 10 attempts. We've eliminated that from our children, which is how people get comfortable with failure.

• 8:55Jen Cohen?

  And so we are so uncomfortable as a parent or as an adult, watching our kids struggle.

• 9:02Speaker 03

  That's it.

• 9:03Jen Cohen?

  Right? We're so we're so uncomfortable from the struggle that we'll just do it for them. And so our kids don't know what to do when they feel frustrated. So they get super anxious and then in that anxiety spirals versus understanding and teaching your child that you know what like this is a normal feeling. You know, it's it's okay to feel frustrated. It's okay to feel like I don't know how to do it. But that's part of getting from not knowing to knowing is that process in the middle. Right? Like any good athlete, there's a lot of practice, a lot of hours of practice that go in from being like bad at something to being really good.

• 9:44Jen Cohen?

  And it's us as a parent explaining and executing on that message saying, you know what? Me doing your homework or doing your science project isn't going to make you better. Isn't going to make you feel confident. It's not going to raise your self esteem. It's not going to do any of those things. All it does is make me as a parent, compete with the other parent for the gold star of the science project. And what does that do for you? Absolutely nothing.

• 10:11Speaker 03

  Do you think that if you're looking back at like generations, especially baby boomers? And you know, it was very high authoritarian type of parenting in the house. And sometimes there's love involved with that. Sometimes there's probably an absence of love with that. And this is something I talk about even with some of my friends who are parents, because their natural reaction to that was to do the opposite in in terms of, you know, not forcing their kids to do anything. And they're trying to kind of approach it with a different perspective. But do you think that might have played a role in terms of like how, you know, culture sort of shifted in terms of the style of parenting?

• 10:52Jen Cohen?

  Okay, I think two things happened. I think people growing up in the In the seventies, I'd say eighties, there's a massive shift after, after having your birthday nineteen ninety-three, I believe it was, or nineteen ninety-five. I think a couple of things. I think that smart, in two thousand and ten, actually was a big one. When smartphones became a big thing.

• 11:14Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 11:15Jen Cohen?

  That's, that's the first thing. Because instead of going outside to play and ride your bike and do all sorts of adventures and climbing trees. We've all, the kids have now migrated to being inside on an iPad, playing video games alone. So the, the, the whole act of socialization just dissipated at, in two, from two thousand and ten on. And when that dissipated, anxiety, depression, suicide, all skyrocketed. That's one thing. The other thing that happened was if I would be, if I were to be honest with you, I think it's the woke culture. I think the woke culture has crushed mental resilience in kids. Period. Full stop.

• 11:58Jen Cohen?

  Because that's when all of this gentle parenting, the helicopter parenting, the participation trophy, safe spaces, all crept up into, into society where that became the new norm. And if you're somebody who is on that side of the, the fence, that's what you do.

• 12:19Speaker 02

  You, you know, you meant, so when you say gentle parenting, I, I, I want to interject because there is a massive misunderstanding. And, and this is what a lot of people do with their quote unquote gentle parenting is they think it means uh, always being nice, never nothing hard, um, letting you do whatever you want to do. The child kind of leads what's going on. What, what, what the real gentle parenting was, was firm with boundaries and structure and consistency, but not through anger or fear.

• 12:49Jen Cohen?

  Hmm.

• 12:49Speaker 02

  Because what you end up getting are children that obey, not because they think it's the right thing to do, but because they're scared. So this is like the girl who, um, scared of my dad, I'm already doing, but then the second she gets out, she's like, I'm free to do whatever I want.

• 13:02Jen Cohen?

  Right, right, right.

• 13:03Speaker 02

  Uh, but what, what you're talking about is, uh, like, I'll give you an example. Parents who don't let their kids be bored are parents who never let themselves be bored. It's uncomfortable. Being with little kids in the house, you know this, you got little kids in the house, they're bored. It's uncomfortable having them be bored because it puts it on me.

• 13:21Jen Cohen?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 13:22Speaker 02

  Then you ask the parent, when's the last time you went to the bathroom without your phone? When's the last time you stood in line without looking at your phone? When's the last time you did nothing?

• 13:30Jen Cohen?

  Totally.

• 13:30Speaker 04

  I mean, I would, I would actually, I would make, even though I'm not a fan of woke culture, I would actually point almost all of this towards the introduction of phones with kids at such an early age. I think that so much of what you described that we're not doing, happens in play. When you go outside and you play with the kids,

• 13:50Speaker 02

  You're right.

• 13:51Speaker 04

  You, you lose some games, you don't get to play what you want to play sometimes, you get hurt. There's so much of this, and, and because we took that away from our kids and allowed them to be glued to a phone or an iPad or a television all day long, we robbed them of those experiences. And then you compile woke culture or this attitude of parents who don't know what to do. And instead, I don't want my kid to be any more anxious or depressed. And so I'd rather be, play on the safer side and go the gentle parenting route. And because I don't, I'm afraid to overcorrect the other. I really think the phones caused so much of this because there is so much to be,

• 14:32Speaker 04

  to learn. I mean, Jordan Peterson talks about those ages between three and five and how important.

• 14:38Speaker 02

  If they don't develop social skills.

• 14:39Speaker 04

  If they don't do it then, they don't get it.

• 14:41Jen Cohen?

  So let me tell you something, a couple of things. You know, by the age of eight, children would now spend a year of their lives on a smartphone.

• 14:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 14:50Speaker 04

  Oh, I believe.

• 14:50Jen Cohen?

  By the age of eight, that's one year completely eliminated from their life by just the amount of time they spent on their phone.

• 14:56Speaker 04

  And I bet that stat was pre-COVID because COVID exacerbated that.

• 15:00Jen Cohen?

  There, but yes. And then the thing about play beyond what you just said is the inability to know how to socialize.

• 15:09Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 15:09Jen Cohen?

  It has been detrimental. Do you know, another crazy stat is 26% of Gen Z are taking their parents to an interview.

• 15:20Speaker 04

  I know, I saw, we saw, we brought this stat up on the show the other day.

• 15:23Speaker 02

  How can you not be embarrassed by that?

• 15:24Jen Cohen?

  I mean, how are you, but, but by the way, this is the part that's even more embarrassing that it's, it's actually been like considered okay. Nobody, there's no, there's nobody is like actually.

• 15:36Jen Cohen?

  Kind of like pushing back on that.

• 15:38Speaker 02

  I won't hire you. If you come with your parent, you're not getting hired.

• 15:40Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 15:41Jen Cohen?

  And by the way, let me tell you something. Forget about even that. I for no way you're getting hired. But I don't know about you, because you guys have a very like, you guys run a tight ship here. But people don't want to hire people from from Gen Z anymore. They're like, if they see that person coming or if it's on their resume, they just won't hire them. Or or from the woke, from people who are woke, because it's just too much liability with it.

• 16:06Speaker 02

  You know what's interesting, Jen, about that? So the data is really fascinating with that. Uh, there seems to be a schism that's happening with Gen Z. Where, and this is recent, where a lot of these kids are adopting uh, more of these conservative, hard work, whatever you want to label them values, because I think that they're like, this isn't working for me.

• 16:25Jen Cohen?

  Yeah.

• 16:25Speaker 02

  I don't know what the hell is happening.

• 16:27Speaker 04

  Isn't it split by sex? Isn't that what the research is showing?

• 16:29Speaker 02

  Boys in particular, and girls seem to be going in the opposite direction.

• 16:33Speaker 04

  Polar.

• 16:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, and there's lots of speculation.

• 16:35Jen Cohen?

  So you're saying girls are.

• 16:36Speaker 02

  Are getting more towards the woke, more towards, and the boys are going in the opposite direction.

• 16:39Jen Cohen?

  Oh, yeah, and the boys are going toward, I I saw that, and that, yes, I I think I saw that. The other thing I wanted to tell you what was very interesting, I can't remember what when you were saying, and I I turned to, oh, yes. The other thing about play was gonna, what I wanted to mention, which is, I think, really important, just in terms of like, inter connectedness, is nobody's dating anymore.

• 16:59Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 16:59Jen Cohen?

  Nobody is like going out and like dating. No one knows how to act with the opposite sex. So porn is up like a thousand percent.

• 17:07Speaker 02

  Nobody's talking about that. That is a huge problem.

• 17:10Jen Cohen?

  Huge problem.

• 17:11Speaker 02

  It's causing so many issues with kids and adults.

• 17:13Speaker 04

  Have you ever heard of me tell the story of our intern who was working for us when he was sixteen, seventeen?

• 17:19Jen Cohen?

  No.

• 17:19Speaker 04

  How old was, okay, so we had an intern. This was like five, six years ago. And uh, he was sixteen, seventeen years old. I can't remember how he was young, right? He was just out of high school. And uh, I, we were, we were asking him questions about what's high school like and hanging out? And do they have parties on weekends and this and that? And we're asking, oh, yeah. You know, sometimes they do, not a lot, you know, but occasionally there's a party. I'm like, okay, well, then, when you go there and you see a girl you like, like, how? Does that play out like and he and what he told me and this is like how all his friends do would handle this situation if there was a girl at a high school party that you were interested in it's in the same party as you are you wouldn't walk over to her and say anything to her you would

• 18:02Speaker 04

  pull your phone out add her as a friend on Facebook and wait to see if she adds you back if she adds you back then you then engage with her yeah DM her on Facebook and then if she responds you then then you would go over and potentially talk to her that's how you would handle that situation I thought that was so crazy that you would do that when someone's 10 feet away

• 18:23Jen Cohen?

  You'll find that to be like that's like crazy

• 18:27Speaker 02

  It's also if you're a young man listening right now the like you can be such an it's such an easy way

• 18:33Speaker 04

  Yeah, you're a stud if you just go over and say hi You're the guy who has the balls to go over and just say hi and be willing to fail

• 18:40Jen Cohen?

  Think about it the barrier to entry right now today the person is so is the bar is so low if you just go up to them like right right away like that's all you need to do but that to me is like doesn't that tell you something about where our society our culture is going

• 18:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, what you what this points to for me because I can use fitness as an example is when you have obese unhealthy kids you almost always have obese unhealthy parents so children who are anxious depressed they can't be bored they're always on devices they never go out they don't also have parents who are doing the same thing

• 19:19Jen Cohen?

  Right and that's and there's so much research that backs that that kids learned at 73% I mean I have all these crazy stats in my head from doing the Ted Talk right because I researched the hell out of this whole thing but it was like 73% better Uh, by watching.

• 19:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 19:38Jen Cohen?

  Versus listening, because after a while, nobody's listening, like everything, everything kind of just kind of just blends after a while, you're not paying attention. So kids mimic what they see.

• 19:49Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 19:49Jen Cohen?

  So for an example, right, all four of us were big workout people, right? So most likely our kids are gonna like adopt some of those habits, right? So if you want your kid to be active, you as a parent should be active, right? If you want your kid to really understand nutrition, then you need to, you need to be eating a certain way, right? Cause kids will follow what you do. Not to mention, I think that the fitness element is, it's crucial. Because what fitness does and was done for me, and I'm sure it's done for you, is it taught me accountability. It taught me discipline. It taught me delayed gratification.

• 20:29Jen Cohen?

  These are core life skills that are transferable in every walk of life. And if your kid is doing that at a young age, then they're taking those with them.

• 20:40Speaker 02

  Yeah. Yeah. I think a, a big problem with this, or challenge, I should say, not problem, is that the, there's so much value in the real world, but it requires more work. And what we've created are cheap substitutes.

• 20:55Jen Cohen?

  Totally.

• 20:56Speaker 02

  For the real world. So like you talk about pornography. I, as a teenage boy, you know, I had drivers to go talk to girls. Very overwhelming, powerful driver. Teenage boy understands this. Now, I couldn't relieve those drivers with pornography every five seconds with extreme novelty. I didn't have it. When I was 14 years old, you know, you could trade a, a bike for a dirty magazine. That's how hard they were to get, right? It was so strictly regulated.

• 21:20Jen Cohen?

  Yeah.

• 21:21Speaker 02

  So I had to muster the courage, cause these drivers are actually for, in particular for young men. They're drivers for creativity. They're drivers to get you out of fear, cause it's scary. You're 14 years old, you're gonna go talk to a girl that you're interested in, and that is scary. She's gonna say no. She probably will. You're gonna feel like a piece of crap. You gotta go talk to her friends around her. Your friends are watching you. What am I gonna do?

• 21:45Jen Cohen?

  Totally.

• 21:46Speaker 02

  But, but to do that. You end up building these incredible life skills through this challenge and you've been speaking for young men now because I think for women it's different, but I also think they develop skills out of this as well. For a young man to to be attractive to other girls, that's not nothing. You gotta learn how to kind of grow up, you gotta clean up a little bit, you gotta present yourself, not like a creep. Feedback. You gotta kind of be funny. So you gotta learn a little bit of skill. You gotta learn how to communicate properly. You gotta show some courage. These are all things that girls value. So I gotta develop all that. Well, if I was a 14 year old boy with a cell phone, with a with a smartphone in my room with more sexual novelty than Kings a thousand

• 22:28Speaker 02

  years ago didn't even have, like that drive is gone. I have no drive because I'm just I'm just in my room stuck and there's no girl that could even match that artificial processed, you know, whatever.

• 22:39Jen Cohen?

  Can I say one more thing? Can I just interject? Also, because of that phone, you're not learning that failure piece, right? So you're so fearful of rejection. You don't even have, you don't have to worry about rejection.

• 22:52Speaker 02

  Right.

• 22:53Jen Cohen?

  Right? There's no such thing as rejection if you're just stuck on a phone, watching porn, right?

• 22:57Speaker 02

  Right, right.

• 22:58Jen Cohen?

  So you'd rather do that. And now on AI, with AI, you could have like a fake girlfriend who just talks really nice. You could pick the voice you want.

• 23:05Speaker 02

  We were just talking about this.

• 23:06Jen Cohen?

  You know, you could pick the voice, you could pick the answers, you could pick how she speaks to you, what she says to you, what dirty talk you like, like you're, it's making it like it's it's literally eliminating any ability for any type of rejection and human contact.