MBMBaM 822: Cheddars Never Win

We've got so much on the agenda today from our last Brainstorm Jam Sesh. Griffin’s gotta figure out a way to get insurance for his new faith-and-pain-forward comedy show, Trav needs a title for his new cheese mystery procedural, and Justin is desperate for a not-dusty chicken sandwich. So here's our new show: Welcome to Dickhead! Suggested talking points: The Wizard Johnny Knoxville, Holy Ghost in the Machine, AI-Generated Devil Music for Satan, We Got So Many Planks, Sunk Bacon Fallacy Asian Pacific Environmental Network: https://apen4ej.org/our-work/

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby?

• 0:20Speaker 01

  It's the start of something beautiful. A small acquaintance has blossomed, it's rapid into a precious friendship. I could've never seen what was coming for me. Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach. My life, it feels like. My life, ah, it's better, it's better with you. My life, ah, it's better, it's better with you. This is true, ah, it's better, it's better with you.

• 1:03Speaker 01

  My life, ah, it's better with you.

• 1:09Travis McElroy?

  Hello, everybody. Welcome to My Brother, My Brother and Me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. What up, Trav Nation? It's me, your middlest brother, Travis Big Dog, Wolf of Vroom Vroom, the heater, award-winning McElroy.

• 1:22Griffin McElroy?

  Hey, welcome to Dickhead. I'm Griffin and I'm about to pour this whole thing of hot coffee right on my, right on my crotch and wiener. Here I go.

• 1:31Travis McElroy?

  Wait, what's Dickhead?

• 1:32Griffin McElroy?

  So you guys know how the Jackass guys are done now?

• 1:35Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, that's what they say.

• 1:37Griffin McElroy?

  They're doing their final movie because they're all, it's too dangerous for them to like.

• 1:43Travis McElroy?

  Keep doing it. I will say, man, I know they're older than me and my body is so brittle that sitting in a desk chair has given me back problems.

• 1:53Griffin McElroy?

  Well, they've got hardened bones from the preceding stunts and tricks.

• 1:57Travis McElroy?

  The Weapon X stuff, yeah.

• 1:58Griffin McElroy?

  But I'm thinking now there's a power vacuum and we fill it in. We, the three of us have been doing rowdy boy comedy for a while now. The only thing we've been missing is like.

• 2:08Travis McElroy?

  Pushing the envelope.

• 2:09Griffin McElroy?

  The only thing we've been missing is pain and hurt and hurting and making funny stuff happen by jumping off of things or into things with our bodies, putting a scorpion on our butts. We bumped up against it by playing video games incorrectly. For us, that kind of passes as like, no, uh, struggle or like difficulty.

• 2:31Travis McElroy?

  Do you remember we went on that hike and my knee started to hurt? Does that count?

• 2:34Griffin McElroy?

  That Trav? Yeah, man, I still wake up in cold sweats, thinking about when your knees hurt that one time, for sure.

• 2:39Travis McElroy?

  Is that comedy, though? Is that pain comedy?

• 2:41Griffin McElroy?

  Is that comedy? Some people liked it in the comments. It wasn't our biggest YouTube video, but people, people seemed to enjoy it.

• 2:48Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, but that seemed like kind of a schadenfreude kind of enjoyment, not like a ha, ha, ha, how funny.

• 2:54Griffin McElroy?

  That's the secret to dickhead. And it's honestly something I think we can iterate on that the Jack A, as we used to call them in church, guys do, which is that you like them. For the most part, they're pretty likeable dudes. And so when Steveo, when Steveo puts a scorpion on Chris Pontius's butt and climbs in his butthole and pokes him from the inside out, you're laughing, but you're also feeling kind of bad because it's like, these are nice guys. On dickhead, we can be fucking unlikable Jags. And then when the scorpion climbs in our butt, maybe even two scorpions, I've been talking with the team, and they think it's doable. Uh, people will be fucking stoked to see it.

• 3:32Travis McElroy?

  No CGI, though. I want the real.

• 3:34Griffin McElroy?

  I want the real stuff.

• 3:35Travis McElroy?

  What you need is the, a funnel that can handle that kind of action. You know what I mean?

• 3:41Griffin McElroy?

  Oh, sure, dude. Dude, my sphincter would destroy a scorpion if it did not have some sort of protective, uh, passage, passageway.

• 3:50Travis McElroy?

  So what you're saying is what we will deliver with D-head is the ability to laugh and feel no remorse at what happens to us because we're terrible people?

• 4:01Griffin McElroy?

  That's what other people will have. We will feel remorse because of the terrible pain. And there will be a bad transition period, probably for the first three or four D head movies. Until our bones get strong, like the Jack A. Guys.

• 4:14Travis McElroy?

  Um, I saw the Jack A. Guys, or one of the old, the wizard who's in charge of everything. That's our impresario of the Jackass.

• 4:26Griffin McElroy?

  Johnny Knoxville, there is. Jesus, the wizard Johnny Knoxville.

• 4:30Travis McElroy?

  The, you know, the boss of the whole thing. It does sound like that would be a great name for a dirtbag wizard for a D and D campaign. Like, my name Johnny Knoxville. Yeah, as he ages, I feel like he looks like a cool, modern wizard. That's, I don't know. That's the association I made in my head. I saw him on an interview and he was talking about how incredible it was that Steve-O has like sobered up for as long as he has. And, and they were like, you know, you guys used to go in the paint really hard doing the show. And John Knoxville's like, let me stop you just to clarify something. We never, when we were filming and doing stunts, the rule was nobody could, you couldn't be on any substances. While you're doing stunts, you couldn't be under any influence at all. Cause you know, it's dangerous enough doing that stuff without your senses being told.

• 5:12Travis McElroy?

  And I would just, I was watching that and I thought, I don't think that's right. Were you testing, were you drug testing? I watched that show a lot growing up and I saw the gentleman on it and sort of how they were comporting themselves in their day to day, like adventures as they did the stunts. I'm not sure Mr. Knoxville is, maybe legally speaking and for insurance purposes, he has had to toe this line for quite some time. I can't imagine. I don't, yeah, I don't think that's exactly right. I can't imagine what the insurance obtaining process for Jackass was. Right. Like when they would go to like, we're gonna get a new movie.

• 5:49Travis McElroy?

  We need to get insurance and they go into somebody's office and they would probably have to do hours of research to be like, who's the least in touch with pop culture insurance adjuster we could find? And then they go in their office like, hello, we're going to make a movie. Um, where we will. They don't say the title. They just say it's the new film from Dick House. Yes. And we'll be doing.

• 6:09Griffin McElroy?

  Untitled Dick House Project.

• 6:12Griffin McElroy?

  And you know, they bring, he would probably bring.

• 6:13Travis McElroy?

  We're calling it JA5, but there's no reason.

• 6:16Griffin McElroy?

  Do you? I think they.

• 6:18Travis McElroy?

  Don't go.

• 6:18Griffin McElroy?

  Johnny.

• 6:18Travis McElroy?

  No, no, no. Please.

• 6:20Griffin McElroy?

  Johnny would probably bring in one of the sweeter, more straight edge members of the crew to meet the lone officer. To get, to, to get the movie funded, I think. He probably would not bring in a Steve-O. He would probably bring in a, like a Preston Lacy or so, or perhaps.

• 6:34Travis McElroy?

  Yes, indeed. I also think, J-Man, to your point, I bet that there was like a secret unspoken line of like, these pranks and stunts are okay to do on a substance. We're gonna cross that line and we don't exactly know what it is, but we know when we see it of this one. We need to go in this one. Clear eyes.

• 6:52Griffin McElroy?

  Surprise you. Animal stuff? You can be high as a fucking kite.

• 6:56Travis McElroy?

  Me too.

• 6:57Griffin McElroy?

  But if you're, if you're swimming in a public place, if they're jumping into the LA canal, for instance, no, you can't be, you mustn't be.

• 7:06Travis McElroy?

  It's a, it's a weird, we have a whole, here's your handbook. Welcome to the team. It's a case by case when you can have substance.

• 7:13Griffin McElroy?

  Here on Dickhead, we can be as faded and fucked up as we want to, guys.

• 7:17Travis McElroy?

  Gonna need to. Percocets, any kind of painkillers.

• 7:23Griffin McElroy?

  I don't, I don't, I don't wanna do it. I don't wanna get hurt. Travis and I came to the same, I thought about getting hurt in my body and I don't, I don't actually.

• 7:30Travis McElroy?

  Let's just do advice and stuff. Yeah. Just like usual. No problem. It made my kidneys throb thinking about it. I don't know if that's anything. Don't ever say that word on the show.

• 7:38Griffin McElroy?

  I don't ever wanna hear it again.

• 7:39Travis McElroy?

  Okay.

• 7:40Griffin McElroy?

  End of sentence.

• 7:40Travis McElroy?

  Kidneys. I was working in my office at my manufacturing job when an older contractor I've worked with occasionally walked into my office and asked how I was doing. Eh, fine. I respond.

• 7:53Travis McElroy?

  Expecting him to ask about any projects he can help with. Instead, he says, I wrote a song.

• 7:57Griffin McElroy?

  Outquit.

• 7:59Travis McElroy?

  Baffled, I asked what he meant. He pulls out his phone and placed it as on my desk and Christian contemporary AI-generated music. Let me think about the order of.

• 8:09Griffin McElroy?

  That's a cool, that's a cool five words right there.

• 8:12Travis McElroy?

  Christian, I think we need contemporary AI-generated.

• 8:17Griffin McElroy?

  Okay, good, yeah.

• 8:18Travis McElroy?

  It's the order, you know what I mean?

• 8:19Griffin McElroy?

  It's arbitrary order.

• 8:21Travis McElroy?

  Listen, I love Christ first, Christ first in all things, obviously. That's the model of this show and has been for seven years.

• 8:26Griffin McElroy?

  Syntactically, I don't think Christ first. Syntactically, I don't think.

• 8:30Travis McElroy?

  Syntactically.

• 8:31Griffin McElroy?

  I think you go color, size, age, quality, Christ.

• 8:34Travis McElroy?

  Red dog, big red dog, color for the size first, then color. We gotta put the AI first in these clauses so I can ignore the rest of the clause. I want it off. You are, I was already so excited about Christian contemporary that, ah, man.

• 8:47Griffin McElroy?

  Places on my desk, AI, Christian, gener- AI.

• 8:51Travis McElroy?

  AI-generated.

• 8:52Griffin McElroy?

  Christianity.

• 8:54Travis McElroy?

  Christ-centric.

• 8:55Griffin McElroy?

  Christ-centric AI-generated. That's the new tagline. That's the new tagline of this podcast. We're making some big fucking changes around here.

• 9:04Travis McElroy?

  Christ-centric and AI-generated. It sucks that AI-generated started first and then it pivoted towards Christ and it was already too late.

• 9:10Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 9:11Travis McElroy?

  I don't know where it got it.

• 9:12Griffin McElroy?

  It's crazy, man. It turns out if you let all these cyberbrains all work together on an unrestricted internet sort of platform, they've, they get saved.

• 9:21Travis McElroy?

  I'm gonna, um, actually, I'm going to plant a flag and a thing I just came up with so that people can't actually use it. AI Christian music company called God in the Machine, but I'm gonna trademark that.

• 9:33Griffin McElroy?

  Holy Ghost in the Machine was right there, but you didn't want that.

• 9:35Travis McElroy?

  Which one?

• 9:37Griffin McElroy?

  Holy Ghost in the Machine?

• 9:38Travis McElroy?

  No, I was going with Deus ex machina.

• 9:41Griffin McElroy?

  Oh, I thought you were doing a ghost in like a, okay.

• 9:44Travis McElroy?

  But we can do Holy Ghost in the Machine too. We'll take all of them.

• 9:46Griffin McElroy?

  Deus ex machina means God in the machine.

• 9:48Travis McElroy?

  Know that, right? Yes. Deus, God. Okay. So I said, God in the machine. Right. Is AI. But you're Descartes, you're Descartes adjacent in that place. And I think. But I'm taking all of them. Let's go on, let's let him cook after. What if we were to do the branding after? I'll finish the question. Yeah. We'll do a bit of comedy for another, oh, I don't know, 50 minutes. Okay. And then we can figure this out. Is that right? Spitball it in our business meeting where we steal things from other people. Okay. Yes, yes, yes. So, and Christian contemporary AI-generated music blasts out of his phone full volume. For the next four minutes, I stared at the phone, nodding my head while he stared at me. I had to extricate myself three times with brief questions and anecdotes as signals that I had heard enough,

• 10:32Travis McElroy?

  but they were not received. He told me after the song was over that he had two more songs he had written and was working on others. What could I do to take control of this situation next time to make it less comfortable for myself? Uh, sorry, less uncomfortable for myself. Important distinction. While maintaining rapport with this person. Punisher. I love this shit, man. When this person, and when it happens again, that's from Not Quite Hills song in the hills of Tennessee. This is. One of the things we talk about on Schmanners a lot is that etiquette and stuff has gotten a bad rap as being like a judgmental process, but really it was originally like seen as like, listen, social situations are so awkward and stuff and like no one knows what they're doing.

• 11:17Travis McElroy?

  We have laid out rules that it's like, here's what you need to do. And then you can like leave or whatever. And we as a society need to establish a rule that whether it's your song, someone else's, whatever, that you want to play for a friend, you get one verse and one chorus. And then you have to pause the song. They can ask to hear the rest of it. You should be allowed to ask how much, how much? When your friend's like, you want to hear the song I wrote? You should be allowed to say, tell me how much of the song? How much, how many different sort of sections of the song? How many stanzas? Four minutes in. Four minutes is too long. Slows down. I don't want to listen to a song I like with you for four minutes, let alone your AI-generated.

• 11:59Travis McElroy?

  Being observed and perceived to see if you're enjoying it. Hard pass, obviously, hard pass. You. What? Okay. I was gonna suggest. This Christian song has put me in hell. Sorry, go on.

• 12:12Travis McElroy?

  I was gonna suggest that next time you play some AI-generated like devil music.

• 12:17Griffin McElroy?

  Awesome.

• 12:18Travis McElroy?

  For Satan.

• 12:19Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 12:19Travis McElroy?

  You don't want, you don't, you obviously don't want AI generate music. So maybe we could like generate some devil music that I could put on.

• 12:31Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 12:31Travis McElroy?

  That they'd be like, oh, I wrote a song too. And they played this that we do.

• 12:35Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 12:35Travis McElroy?

  And it's like.

• 12:36Griffin McElroy?

  Will you give me the prompt? Will you feed me the prompt?

• 12:39Travis McElroy?

  I'll feed you the prompt.

• 12:39Griffin McElroy?

  And I'll be the AI voice that's like, yeah.

• 12:42Travis McElroy?

  Okay. Um, uh, I say, so I'd say, hey, Jeeves, um, please generate, is that what you say? Just Jeeves, generate, um, one death metal song hard as fuck. And I said, capital.

• 12:58Griffin McElroy?

  Devil centric.

• 13:00Travis McElroy?

  Devil centric. Um, don't make it sound AI. Make it sound like a real song.

• 13:07Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 13:08Travis McElroy?

  And.

• 13:09Griffin McElroy?

  Okay.

• 13:09Travis McElroy?

  And also stuff about like burning down, uh, convention and kicking over like churches and throwing bibles into garbage disposals, stuff like that.

• 13:23Griffin McElroy?

  You have to click send. You have to submit it.

• 13:24Travis McElroy?

  Oh, okay. Uh, oh, um, amount of, it says, it's asking amount of effort? Is that?

• 13:31Griffin McElroy?

  Say a hundred.

• 13:31Travis McElroy?

  High? Hundred, hundred percent maximum effort.

• 13:34Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, look at Amazon. Okay.

• 13:35Travis McElroy?

  I love Deadpool.

• 13:36Griffin McElroy?

  So.

• 13:37Travis McElroy?

  Maximum effort.

• 13:39Griffin McElroy?

  Haha. Yeah, man. Absolutely, Justin. That's a fun idea. We'll get started cooking on your death metal, uh, hell song. Just, uh, as soon as you let me know what death is. Haha.

• 13:52Griffin McElroy?

  So they don't know to explain the bit. They don't know. There's a lot.

• 13:55Travis McElroy?

  So that's a really good bit, Griffin. What I was suggesting is that we could just make some music.

• 13:59Griffin McElroy?

  I got you. I got you, Justin. I thought that my thing was more achievable than us creating anything that sounded like.

• 14:05Travis McElroy?

  Something that's like this, right? Um, the devil, he likes to eat your soul. And it makes me feel good when he does. Bible suck, Bible suck. Okay, okay, okay, okay. I liked Bible suck. I was not into it. Don't get me wrong, that part rules. The first part, Travis. Because bibles do suck, dude. They're heavy, the pages are thin. And a lot of it doesn't make sense. Why is that? Now, listen, though, listen. The first part of the song was very bad, and I'll tell you why. It's because if you get Ryan Kay to sing what you just sang, it could also be a Christian song. The devil wants to eat your soul? That's a threat to me. But it feels good when he does. Yeah, for him, it should be, okay, if you reverse those and be like,

• 14:48Travis McElroy?

  it feels good when the devil eats your soul. It's way better than when God eats your soul. Yeah. Jesus wants to steal your car. Yeah, that's good. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, libel. I don't know. It makes it a little bit more timely. Like, a lot of stuff in the Bible is kind of like ancient. So if you bring it up to the day, like, Jesus wants to steal your car. Push a church into a- The Holy Ghost ruined my credit score. Oh, a rhyme? That's good. That's good.

• 15:18Griffin McElroy?

  Well, well, I don't-

• 15:20Travis McElroy?

  Score and car. Score and car, pretty close. I, uh, I'm so sorry that you went through this. I've been trying to visualize what it would be like. I was thinking about it, and I was like, thinking about how many people are gonna be in a similar... I mean, the idea that people are going to... It, it, it is sad that it hasn't occurred to me until this point, but the idea that people are gonna be generating art and then foicing it upon others and forcing them to react to it. As, I mean, like, it's, it's really unkind. And I'm really sorry that you-

• 15:52Griffin McElroy?

  You should be allowed. You should be allowed to bust out your AI agent when someone presents you with their AI-generated Christ-centric music.

• 16:01Travis McElroy?

  Right, you should have an AI listener.

• 16:02Griffin McElroy?

  An AI listener who can then, you say, and how did, what, what's a nice thing I can say to get this person off my fucking back? And then you let them go, haha, good one. Absolutely, I'll get started on that.

• 16:13Travis McElroy?

  Why don't you just say, I'm gonna let my AI listen to your AI song. Just plug it right in. And I'll leave. Like, you didn't write the song, so I shouldn't have to listen to it, right? I'll let my phone record it, and I'll let it, that my AI guy in there.

• 16:29Griffin McElroy?

  And he'd probably deliver the song way faster than four minutes to an AI brain. Like, there's probably some way of him encoding it.

• 16:35Travis McElroy?

  Compressed.

• 16:35Griffin McElroy?

  It sounds like, and then the AI is like, mm.

• 16:38Travis McElroy?

  I think that's what Silicon Valley was about. I didn't want to. Sick hook. Yeah. I love the hook.

• 16:45Griffin McElroy?

  I love Christ.

• 16:46Travis McElroy?

  Bible's too suck.

• 16:49Travis McElroy?

  I think that the catch 22 of this whole situation is the type of person that would both generate contemporary Christian AI-generated music and make you listen to it is also the type of person who has the least amount of awareness of what they're doing to the other person.

• 17:07Griffin McElroy?

  Sure.

• 17:07Travis McElroy?

  There's nothing within them that's like.

• 17:10Griffin McElroy?

  In the sentence there, Travis, there's nothing within them. There's an obli- there's a void and oblivion in there.

• 17:15Travis McElroy?

  So what you do is when they come to play you their next song, you say, yeah, thank God, man, I don't know what it is, but that song you played with me before really makes me want to have premarital sex and do all the drugs I can find.

• 17:26Griffin McElroy?

  Awesome.

• 17:27Travis McElroy?

  What if you record, the next time they play a song for you, you record the song, and then you put it into AI, however that happens, and you say, do this song again, but twice as long. And then you say, hey, I wrote a song. I want to play it for you.

• 17:44Griffin McElroy?

  That's cool.

• 17:44Travis McElroy?

  And then you play it, and it's just their same song again, but like, a lot more worse. A lot more verses.

• 17:50Griffin McElroy?

  And make it get louder. Over the eight minutes, make it get louder and louder, because your boss is going to start saying things like, this sounds a lot like my AI Jesus song. You need to make it get louder and louder and louder to drown out the kind of protest.

• 18:02Travis McElroy?

  Could you make, could your boss, could you prompt your boss, using these same incredible techniques, could you prompt your boss to just keep generating longer and longer songs? Eventually, you won't have to work anymore.

• 18:14Griffin McElroy?

  That is true.

• 18:15Travis McElroy?

  Eventually, you can just full-time listen to these j-.

• 18:17Griffin McElroy?

  This is an emotional labor that I, I don't know what their job is, but it sounds more exhausting than any, any form of employment.

• 18:27Travis McElroy?

  Last weekend, I attended a small gathering at my friend's sushi restaurant. He was celebrating being voted the top sushi restaurant in the area. And he had some, let's hope they mean owning it. Because if you are a sushi restaurant and a person, that's like very, very painful. It sounds really. Living dishes is a beautiful art. Living dishes.

• 18:49Griffin McElroy?

  That's like, oh, maybe he serves it off of his nude body like they do in like fancy parties in movies and television.

• 18:57Travis McElroy?

  Uh, one of the items, okay, he had some food catered for the event. One of the items was a large charcuterie board spread that was put together by a friend of his that does it professionally. There was one cheese on there in particular that I really enjoyed. And as the night inevitably ended, that seems unnecessary. Most nights.

• 19:14Griffin McElroy?

  Most nights.

• 19:14Travis McElroy?

  Do. Uh, there was a plenty of charcuterie to take home for anyone that wanted it. I took home a small bag of this cubed white heavenly cheese. The problem I'm having is how do I identify it? I eat a fair amount of cheese and I haven't been able to.

• 19:33Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, sorry. Um, I even asked my friend who has charcuterie boards catered and he said he would check with the person that made him, but it has been radio silence. I still have some of the cheese left and we're now four days past the event. Would it be weird for me to bring the cheese into a local cheese counter specialty store? Or someone to know what the cheese is if they taste it?

• 19:57Travis McElroy?

  I'm gonna get out in front of this one, okay? I'm not even gonna finish the question. If you bring a block of food to any store and you say, try this block of food. I don't know what it is. They will say no. No one will agree to this. On the wrong side of this, my friend. It's the best cheese I've ever had. That's from Bree Wilder in Southern Oregon. Continue. Listen, listen.

• 20:20Travis McElroy?

  There are people on this earth, not everyone, not every cheesemonger you approach will be down for this, but there is a set of people for whom this sort of mystery. Sure. It is going to like this cheese is their life. They love cheese and you've just brought them and said, hey, don't just be a cheesemonger today. You're going to be a mystery monger and they're going to help you solve this mystery with cheese science that they've never gotten to utilize before. It is going to. Everyone. There's going to be a light in their eyes. Every cheese maniac is waiting for you to ask for their cheese help because they need they need a, a, a place to use those skills. So it feels like it was worthwhile.

• 21:03Travis McElroy?

  Do you know how many cop not a cop shows I've watched where someone with a specialty area has been brought in by the police to help solve a crime? What if there was a cop show where is a cheesemonger who helps solve cheese related murders every week? There's just no way. I feel like every cheesemonger has been in this situation so many times. And then it always ends the same way is the person looks at you very smugly and says, it wasn't cheese. And then it's like, okay. It was a block of white chocolate. Again, again, great. I fell for it again. You win. Okay. It wasn't cheese. Please leave.

• 21:38Griffin McElroy?

  That was.

• 21:38Travis McElroy?

  Cheddar's never win.

• 21:41Griffin McElroy?

  Cheddar's never win. Now, what does that have to do with anything? You just think?

• 21:44Travis McElroy?

  I'm trying to think of a name for my cop, not a cop TV show starring an FBI detective and a cheesemonger. Okay.

• 21:51Griffin McElroy?

  Sharp.

• 21:51Travis McElroy?

  All right.

• 21:52Griffin McElroy?

  Can we do other stuff though?

• 21:54Travis McElroy?

  How about we finish the podcast? Okay. Then we'll save this for the board meeting. Yeah. Yeah.

• 21:59Griffin McElroy?

  I'll add it to the, I'll add it to the fucking agenda, but it's really piling up.

• 22:03Travis McElroy?

  We have our brain slam after, after. Yeah. We're always at peak performance after my brother, my brother made. That's what we have our weekly brain slam. Blue sky solution hearing session. Yeah. Yeah. I, I live my life searching for a mystery every day. I love a mystery. To the point where Doc came home from camp the other day and said, "Father," as she's been instructed to call me, "today, we had a mystery at camp," and said it exactly like that, and I loved it. And she told me that they were informed that one of their camp counselors was kidnapped by the Flying Dutchman. Oh. And the whole camp was working together to solve this mystery. And she and I went over the clues for 20 to 30 minutes, and it was the best part of my day.

• 22:48Travis McElroy?

  Just before we move on, because we are, who did it? Which camp counselor was it? It was the Flying Dutchman. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. So it was like a false? No, there was more about finding the Flying Dutchman than like a Scooby Doo unmasking a counselor. Okay, I thought maybe one of the camp counselors was the Flying Dutchman in the end. Holy shit, Justin, you cracked it. I gotta go.

• 23:12Griffin McElroy?

  God damn, dude. You're the smartest, you're the smartest nine-year-old alive.

• 23:17Travis McElroy?

  Yeah. I gotta get at that camp. They need me.

• 23:19Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, man. What would be bad is if you did take the cheese into the cheesemonger and you're like, "I can't stop thinking about this creamy white cube. Please, please help me out." And then they try it, and then they're like, "It's Swiss." Or like, "That's brie." Like, they, it's such a fucking-

• 23:36Travis McElroy?

  It's not cheese.

• 23:38Griffin McElroy?

  I mean, of course, it could not be cheese. That would obviously be bad.

• 23:41Travis McElroy?

  You gave me a crouton.

• 23:43Griffin McElroy?

  Well, it'd be worse if it's some rookie cheese. And then they're like, "You don't know brie?" Like, that would be humiliating. I don't know that I could recover from that.

• 23:52Travis McElroy?

  It would be humiliating, but you could also look at that as a gift you've just given that cheesemonger to make them feel so superior in a way that maybe they don't get every day, right? Like, that's nice, right? Your humiliation is someone else's elevation. Yeah. I appreciate that this question asker doesn't explicitly say the big problem. The big main issue with this is that we are on a time crunch here because every time they open the fridge and see one of those delicious cubes, they pop another one. You know they do. And they're like, "I'm running out of research material."

• 24:25Griffin McElroy?

  The crime, the crime scene.

• 24:26Travis McElroy?

  Some samples left.

• 24:27Griffin McElroy?

  The crime scene's been thoroughly contaminated.

• 24:29Travis McElroy?

  They've had to tape their fridge closed to put a lot of, like, "No, you don't understand." This is the lockup now. You gotta fill out forms to get the cheese out.

• 24:41Travis McElroy?

  Yes, I'll eat one cube a day and now I'm cutting the cubes in half. I'm just eating it. I'm down to one quarter cube a day. I gotta figure out what this stuff is. I've rationed myself. Is there an electron microscope in town that I could use? I've consumed a lot of the evidence. Cheeser refuge, something. Yeah, yeah, yep, yep.

• 25:01Griffin McElroy?

  Just separate it into its, into its, into its core components, which I guess is just curds and curds and whey, I suppose.

• 25:08Travis McElroy?

  And whey, weirdly, yeah.

• 25:10Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 25:10Travis McElroy?

  Whole thing. Nobody really knows how cheese is made. Seeds. Few seeds. Few seeds.

• 25:18Griffin McElroy?

  You could throw a seed or two in there.

• 25:20Travis McElroy?

  Cheese seeds? I feel like we didn't really help that person very much, but that's life sometimes, you know what I mean? Yeah, be bold, solve the case.

• 25:28Griffin McElroy?

  Just eat a bunch of cheese, get a, make your own charcuterie board and then compare and contrast.

• 25:33Travis McElroy?

  Wait outside the charcuterie store until they open and then say, what is this?

• 25:36Griffin McElroy?

  What is this?

• 25:37Travis McElroy?

  Pound your friend until you get the answer. Don't let this go.

• 25:40Griffin McElroy?

  Bloodhound, bloodhound to sniff the cheese real good and then he'll find the other cheese in the store. Don't let him eat the cheese. He'll get so sick.

• 25:47Travis McElroy?

  Can we, uh, can we take a quick break? Yeah, I'd love to. Let's go to the money.

• 26:02Travis McElroy?

  If you have cats and you are struggling to monitor their eating, maybe they don't, you know, they're, you see them, uh, uh, uh, eating a bunch of dry foods, not really, uh, great for them, you know, they, what about trying something that they're gonna love? Oh. And that is easy, right? And, uh, comes in a lot of great flavors like smooth burgers and smooth pig. Cheese, no, no.

• 26:28Griffin McElroy?

  No.

• 26:29Travis McElroy?

  What about Smalls?

• 26:29Griffin McElroy?

  Probably not.

• 26:30Travis McElroy?

  Smalls is a, uh, here's what you do with Smalls. Okay. You tell them, hey, I got a beautiful kitty. Can you send me some food for it? And they'll say, how big's your kitty? What kind of size? And they'll help you figure out a plan. So they're gonna ship you a box. Your food comes frozen. It's ready to go. Hundred percent human graded ingredients that you'd find in your fridge, which is Where, I mean, that is where I find my cat food is in the fridge, to be fair. But my cats love it. I used to do dry food and water for them, and I feel like I have a lot better control over what they're eating. I think their coats look healthier. They are at a healthy weight and we're really a lot more in control of what they're eating than we did with the dry food.

• 27:08Griffin McElroy?

  And they like you more.

• 27:09Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, they like you more.

• 27:10Griffin McElroy?

  They respect you way less.

• 27:12Travis McElroy?

  They respect you more now? They appreciate me in ways they never did.

• 27:16Griffin McElroy?

  And if they could talk, they would say something like, thank you for the wet daddy. They would say things like, thank you for the wet.

• 27:21Travis McElroy?

  Thank you for the smooth wet.

• 27:23Griffin McElroy?

  Wet, wet, give us, give us smooth, give us wet.

• 27:27Travis McElroy?

  Smooth pig, smooth them up. Your cat's health and longevity starts with what they eat. For a limited time, because you are my brother, my brother, me, listener, get 60% off your first order plus free shipping and free treats for life. When you head to smalls.com slash my brother. That's 60% off your first order plus free shipping and free treats for life. When you head to smalls.com slash my brother. This might surprise our listeners and you guys, but this is a big admission for me. I'm not the most responsible person on earth. I mean, I'm, I'm middle. I'm like, I'm the perfect

• 28:06Travis McElroy?

  middle. I'm the middlest, most responsible person on earth. And these days, do you know how easy it is to sign up for a thing? And you're like, yeah, I do just need this like one thing. I gotta like fill out this thing. I gotta do this thing. And then I'll cancel it with like the free trials. And then it's like a year later and you paid like $860 total over the year for this thing. Yeah. Oh my God. So I signed up for Rocket Money last year and The amount that I cancel, I was like, I think I'm gonna start planning some big vacations. Thank you, Rocket Money.

• 28:46Griffin McElroy?

  Sure, monthly vacations because of Rocket Money.

• 28:48Travis McElroy?

  Yes, money was just bleeding out. Like I had a piggy bank that had multiple stab wounds. And Rocket Money sewed them on up for me and fixed that for me. And not only that, another thing I love is Rocket Money gives me updates. One, when it's like, hey, you've got X many bills that are gonna be paid this week. Or a big transaction just went through, so you can like check and see what it is, make sure you're planning correctly. And lets you know like when deposits happen and stuff like that. That lets you track everything and be able to like really set a rhythm for like spending and paying things off. And it has been incredibly helpful for me, uh, making me feel like a financially responsible adult for the first time in my life.

• 29:32Griffin McElroy?

  It's a fun walk down memory lane every time too, cause Rocket Money would be like, hey, remember last year when you were like, I'm really gonna take piano lessons? And I'm like, ha, ha, ha, yeah, Rocket Money, I remember. And then Rocket Money's like-

• 29:43Travis McElroy?

  It's judgment free though.

• 29:44Griffin McElroy?

  It's judgment free. It's a reminder and a helpful one, cause I spent a lot of money on the piano lessons I did.

• 29:50Travis McElroy?

  They can also help you cancel subscriptions, which is great when, I don't know if listeners picked up on this either, but we can be somewhat socially awkward sometimes. And the idea of having to contact someone, even in written form, to say I'd no longer like to use their service, gives me chills. So-

• 30:07Griffin McElroy?

  Cause they ask, what's wrong? They ask every time, what did we do wrong?

• 30:10Travis McElroy?

  What did we do? And I'm like, I'd actually like two subscriptions. I'm so sorry. It's not you, it's me.

• 30:15Griffin McElroy?

  But Rocket Money will just tell them. Rocket Money will be like, your shit wasn't good enough. And they don't-

• 30:20Travis McElroy?

  You let me down, you let Travis down.

• 30:22Griffin McElroy?

  You let Travis down, and he hates your fucking guts and your product sucks shit.

• 30:26Travis McElroy?

  They are very nice people. He doesn't even wanna free subscription to your site. That's how bad it is.

• 30:30Griffin McElroy?

  Don't ever talk to Travis ever fucking again. Like they go, they go hard on him.

• 30:35Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, and they do that thing where they like crack their knuckles with one hand, you know, and then switch. To make it seem like there is a threat there, but like what it is is unclear. You know what I mean? And I love that for them. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at rocketmoney.com slash mybrother. That's rocketmoney.com slash mybrother. Rocketmoney.com slash mybrother.

• 31:07Speaker 04

  Pokemon, Insecure, Love Island, Paramore. What do all these things have in common? Black people love them. That's where Black People Love Paramore comes in. We're a pop culture podcast taking a funny look at the common and sometimes very uncommon things black people love. From asking why so many black kids were secretly emo to debating whether Beyonce is underrated. Hint, she is. We're getting into all the things that make us feel a little bit more seen. Get it? And yes, everybody's invited, no matter your niche, we have room for you. Listen to Black People Love Paramore on MaximumFun.org and wherever you get your podcasts.

• 31:50Speaker 05

  Hello?

• 31:51Speaker 06

  Hello, I'm calling on behalf of the Beef and Dairy Network Podcast.

• 31:54Speaker 05

  No, I'm sorry, no sales calls, goodbye.

• 31:56Speaker 06

  It's a multi-award winning podcast featuring guests such as Ted Danson, Nick Offerman, Josie Long.

• 32:01Speaker 05

  I don't know what a Josie Long is, and anyway, I'm about to take my mother into town to see Phantom of the Opera at last. You are wasting my time, and even worse, my mother's time. She only has so much time left. She's 98 years old, she's only expected to live for another 20 or 30 years. Mother, get your shoes on. Yes, the orthopedic wants, I don't want that to carry you home again, do I?

• 32:19Speaker 06

  Right, well, if you were looking for a podcast.

• 32:21Speaker 05

  Mother, you're not wearing that, are you? It's very revealing, mother. This is musical theatre, not a Parisian bordello.

• 32:27Speaker 06

  Simply go to MaximumFun.org.

• 32:29Speaker 05

  I'm reaching for my Samsung Galaxy 4 as we speak. Mother! Mother, not that hat!

• 32:35Travis McElroy?

  Jigga jigga jigga jigga ding. Ah!

• 32:42Travis McElroy?

  I wanna munch. Squat! Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba, I want to munch. Bible suck! Whoa! Sorry, I got back. It was still sucking there. That ruled. It got stuck. If I say, what's, what's the, what's the most unusual item in the world of fast food? A lot. There's probably a lot of different options, but I think the one then the one that I I tend to gravitate towards is the original chicken sandwich at BK.

• 33:13Griffin McElroy?

  Okay.

• 33:13Travis McElroy?

  Because it's bad. And that's so interesting.

• 33:16Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 33:17Travis McElroy?

  They have been doing this bad sandwich for forty seven years now. They've been doing this bad sandwich and it's crazy because sometimes they'll have better sandwiches on the menu. And they'll keep doing this wretched dusty old.

• 33:32Griffin McElroy?

  Is that the long one?

• 33:34Travis McElroy?

  That's the long one.

• 33:35Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 33:36Travis McElroy?

  It's the famous dusty long one.

• 33:37Griffin McElroy?

  With the burger beef, the burger beef, they're so explicit in how much care and time and patience goes into each one of these patties. And with the chicken one, it's just like, I don't know, man.

• 33:47Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 33:48Griffin McElroy?

  Get it hot, throw it down.

• 33:49Travis McElroy?

  This was our first try and we nailed it right out of the gate.

• 33:52Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 33:52Travis McElroy?

  And we ordered so many of those frozen patties at the beginning, thinking these things were going to sell so fast. And here we are forty seven years later and we're still working through that original order.

• 34:03Griffin McElroy?

  Digging through the pile of planks.

• 34:05Travis McElroy?

  We can't change it yet. We still got so many planks. Burger King is giving guests even more ways to enjoy its famous original chicken sandwich with the launch of two additions to the lineup. That's right. They've remembered this nasty guy. And they are now giving you the loaded jalapeno original chicken sandwich and the club original chicken sandwich. Throwing good bacon after bad chicken. Available at US restaurants.

• 34:33Griffin McElroy?

  So sunk a sunk bacon fallacy on that.

• 34:36Travis McElroy?

  Sunk bacon cost.

• 34:37Griffin McElroy?

  The main way to keep enjoying it though, is by eating it, right? Because I thought you were about to say that they're like, we've got it in powder form now. You can drink it.

• 34:46Travis McElroy?

  You can just get it right in your veins. You can, you can email it to yourself. First introduced in nineteen seventy nine, the original chicken sandwich has been. This is like the most damning with faint praise I've ever heard a fast food place. The, the chicken sandwich has been a Burger King guest favorite for decades. Thanks to its unmistakable long shape, lightly breaded white meat, chicken, shredded lettuce and tangy mayonnaise.

• 35:16Griffin McElroy?

  Is there shit good? Uh, have you seen the shape of it?

• 35:19Travis McElroy?

  It's long, you cannot, yeah.

• 35:21Griffin McElroy?

  It is the one thing I remembered about it. Yeah, right?

• 35:26Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 35:27Griffin McElroy?

  And a chicken is, the chicken is chicken.

• 35:30Travis McElroy?

  It's there.

• 35:31Griffin McElroy?

  And lettuce, did we mention?

• 35:33Travis McElroy?

  It shredded.

• 35:34Griffin McElroy?

  It shredded up to high heavens.

• 35:36Travis McElroy?

  I mean, the place called Burger King. What do you want from us?

• 35:39Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 35:40Travis McElroy?

  It's a place called Burger King. Well, I don't know. Why are you coming in here asking for a chicken sandwich? We made it long so we wouldn't confuse it with the burgers. Uh, so what are they doing? Let me tell you. Guests have continued to show their love for the iconic chicken sandwich, which I would argue if you're at Burger King and don't want a burger. I mean, I guess you do have to show your love for the chicken sandwich. Which is why BK is bringing two new flavorful, original chicken sandwich innovations to the menu for a limited time. I love when they use innovations like it's a scientific. We made a chicken club sandwich. We had our boys in R and D working on this one for six years.

• 36:21Griffin McElroy?

  The chicken war armistice is so tenuous and so fragile to this day. I get real jumpy when someone is just like, we're not in the, this is not, this has nothing to do with the chicken sandwich wars. We're just making two new kick ass chicken sandwiches that are gonna blow your fucking mind. That feels like an aggressive act.

• 36:43Travis McElroy?

  I think Griffin, the fact that they are continuing to stick with that dusty old chicken sandwich base is sort of like a Warsaw Pact. Where it's like, we won't go, you know what I mean? Like, we're not gonna go any further.

• 36:56Griffin McElroy?

  A grandfather clause of, we can keep making our shitty chicken sandwiches.

• 37:01Travis McElroy?

  No one will get in the way of it. It's like if in the year 2026, uh, two warring countries were like, we came out with new models of biplanes. Like, we've, we've outdated biplanes because we did need to be working on something.

• 37:14Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 37:15Travis McElroy?

  To keep the factories going, but this is not a threat.

• 37:18Griffin McElroy?

  We may not even use them for war stuff. We may just cruise the beach.

• 37:22Travis McElroy?

  We made biplanes for Pride Month. I'm not gonna read you the description of the sandwiches, but I will read you how they both end, which is layered on the sandwich.

• 37:32Griffin McElroy?

  I like that joke a lot, Travis. I want to hang a lantern on how much I enjoyed your joke just now.

• 37:37Travis McElroy?

  Layered on the signature long, white meat chicken patty and iconic elongated sesame seed bun. Do they know how to describe something as food?

• 37:48Griffin McElroy?

  Have they said delicious yet? Or like yummy?

• 37:52Travis McElroy?

  The Club Chicken Original Sandwich, a familiar but elevated take on the original, featuring crispy bacon, melted Swiss cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, and creamy mayonnaise stacked on the signature long, white meat chicken patty and iconic elongated sesame seed bun.

• 38:08Griffin McElroy?

  Is it a good taste? Press releases are usually so quick to be like, we got a new Dunkachino, fuck, it tastes so good, you're gonna nut. Burger King so far is only using the most kind of baseline visual descriptors.

• 38:21Travis McElroy?

  Not since Christian contemporary AI generated, have I seen these words in such a strange order before this really burying the lead. Are we sure we want to go with long, white meat chicken patty? That's what we're going with?

• 38:35Griffin McElroy?

  There's no fucking way, dude.

• 38:36Travis McElroy?

  Listen, I had to be so careful about the word. The last time we complimented the chicken sandwich, we were sued for lies. So what we've done here is put words that you cannot deny are true. The original chicken sandwich is a true Burger King icon that's been loved for its signature seasoning, taste, and you guessed it, unmistakable shape since 1979. Do you love it because of the shape? I guess it's just, I don't know, it's more fun. That's from Joel Yashinsky, the CMO over there. Through our ongoing guest listening initiative, we heard just how passionate fans are about this sandwich and how excited they are for new twists on it.

• 39:19Griffin McElroy?

  Hmm. Hey, guest listening initiative is pretty menacing language.

• 39:24Travis McElroy?

  Initiative, Griffin. It sounds very 1984 to me, but no.

• 39:29Griffin McElroy?

  It sounds like if you got the BK app on your phone and you checkmarked like share my whatever, BK is like the king's listening. Oh, here we go.

• 39:39Travis McElroy?

  Oh, boy. That's the president of Burger King.

• 39:42Griffin McElroy?

  It looks like, yeah, if you had shown me that man.

• 39:45Travis McElroy?

  You can call him on the phone. It's been, it's been an ongoing thing, but this is still going and I'm going to repeat this information because I've. I'd like it.

• 39:54Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 39:55Travis McElroy?

  Burger King has been, is, is taking guest feedback to the next level by putting its president on the line. Guests can call or text the Burger King president, Tom Curtis, at 305-874-0520 to share their thoughts on the Burger King experience. Tom will personally take as many daily calls as possible.

• 40:16Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 40:16Travis McElroy?

  And every message received will be reviewed and responded to, helping to form decisions across the business.

• 40:21Griffin McElroy?

  Okay.

• 40:22Travis McElroy?

  Does he not do anything else? He stands in the lobby. His, this picture looks like every single element of it is from a separate.

• 40:35Griffin McElroy?

  A different photo. Thank you. This is a composite, this is a sort of photo mosaic, because we see a man.

• 40:40Travis McElroy?

  It's a composite man, like every part of it, yeah. Yes, I mean, even like the computer monitor and computer arm mount look like they're different.

• 40:48Griffin McElroy?

  He's at a standing desk and he's got a big dual monitor setup. It's actually, I think, the same exact setup that I have on my desk. And despite the number of monitors he has, he is still doing a FaceTime on the phone. I'm sure he could figure out a way to field those on one of the two computers that he has. But there's also a coffee cup there.

• 41:04Travis McElroy?

  There's a third device, by the way. Do you see this, Griffin? Sorry, behind the coffee cup? That is a third device.

• 41:08Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, another laptop.

• 41:09Travis McElroy?

  The man has four screens pointed at him right now.

• 41:11Griffin McElroy?

  But he also has a coffee cup here that says Burger King, but clearly it's, it doesn't seem to have the same light source as everything else in the photograph and makes me think like, that this was maybe a, I don't know, a coffee bean situation, went to the Java joint.

• 41:29Travis McElroy?

  So, agenda and status. That's what it says. I'm looking at his screen. You can enhance his screen and it says, there you go. Agenda and status. And it says the item, PR, locked. Media plan, locked. TV, locked. Organic?

• 41:48Griffin McElroy?

  I don't know what that is acronym.

• 41:50Travis McElroy?

  There is no way. Is this a real chart? Are we to believe that this is, this is the level of, of a, a, a control this man has over the company? All he knows is what's, is, uh, what's paid and what isn't paid.

• 42:03Griffin McElroy?

  Let me peep that man's fucking tabs, Juice. Zoom up a little bit, cause he's got his tabs up.

• 42:07Travis McElroy?

  Got a lot of tabs for us.

• 42:09Griffin McElroy?

  Got a lot of tabs here, boss. Why are you playing fucking cookie clicker in the background, my dude?

• 42:13Travis McElroy?

  What's going on? It also appears that he's working in the lobby. I'm gonna call him, we'll quit while we're chatting.

• 42:19Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, call him up.

• 42:20Travis McElroy?

  No worries. Please don't do this. What if he answers? I mean, I'll talk to him on the podcast. I mean, that would be a huge get for us. Are you kidding me? That's true. And he's almost certainly on the west coast. Right?

• 42:31Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. Wake his ass up.

• 42:33Travis McElroy?

  Wake his ass up.

• 42:34Griffin McElroy?

  Wake his ass up.

• 42:34Travis McElroy?

  Bitch, I heard you're making new Sammies for me.

• 42:36Griffin McElroy?

  Keep them long, bitch.

• 42:38Travis McElroy?

  Ask if you can get them longer. Are you fucking off?

• 42:41Griffin McElroy?

  It's 6:52 in the morning, Califor- well, he's in Florida.

• 42:43Travis McElroy?

  Six, wait, did you say it's 6:52 in the morning?

• 42:46Griffin McElroy?

  In, in, on the west coast.

• 42:48Travis McElroy?

  Oh, God. Yeah, he'll be alright.

• 42:52Griffin McElroy?

  Don't hang up.

• 42:54Travis McElroy?

  Hey, this is Justin McElroy from my brother, my brother and me. Uh, I, I just wanted to say I would love a co-branding partnership, uh, with you guys. If you want to kick, uh, six figures, seven figures, whatever it is, uh, we're, we're ready for collaboration.

• 43:07Griffin McElroy?

  Make the sandwich twice as long.

• 43:08Travis McElroy?

  Justin at MBMBAM.com. Get at me with a big check and I will.

• 43:14Griffin McElroy?

  Make the sandwich twice as wide. Tell them to make it wider, actually.

• 43:17Travis McElroy?

  Make it wider.

• 43:18Griffin McElroy?

  Make it cross shaped.

• 43:19Travis McElroy?

  Make it, make it a perfect manhole cover.

• 43:24Travis McElroy?

  One to one manhole cover. Thank you. Oh, um, the chicken fries are gross.

• 43:31Griffin McElroy?

  You guys say he's recording. Oh, man, you didn't say he's recording. I don't know if Florida's a one party state.

• 43:35Travis McElroy?

  Uh, West Virginia's one, one party.

• 43:37Griffin McElroy?

  Oh, cool. Awesome.

• 43:39Travis McElroy?

  You're all welcome. As the home of Have It Your Way, guests are our most important advisors. We're grateful as they provide the feedback that is shaping our brand today and in the future. So you, this guy, that people are calling him up and they must be saying, we love that dusty old joint. We love it.

• 43:56Travis McElroy?

  We love it, prez. Don't let them get rid of it. Joel? The only thing that would make it better is more of them. Make it better with different, put different stuff on it so people like it better.

• 44:10Griffin McElroy?

  Do you actually think people were blowing up his phone so much that he had to put down an away message? Or do you think maybe that was a easy way out? Cause it seems like, based on what I know on the half-baked sort of promotions that major fast food places do, the amount of participation in those events is actually quite limited. I think you should have been able to get ahold of Tom just now.

• 44:30Travis McElroy?

  Uh, yeah, screening your calls. In Miami? Yeah, he's, he should be able to answer my phone. I mean, it's, they should have caller ID if you're a podcaster. You know what I mean? Like, this is our big moment.

• 44:43Travis McElroy?

  For brand stuff. Um, how about another question?

• 44:47Griffin McElroy?

  Okay.

• 44:48Travis McElroy?

  "I have now, on two separate occasions, had to DoorDash a toilet plunger to myself, because I clog the toilet in a residence that does not possess one. Now, I am aware that sometimes it's on me for having set..." I'm not gonna read this. It's vulgar. "Big poops." Let's, let's leave it at that.

• 45:06Griffin McElroy?

  That's better. Yeah.

• 45:08Travis McElroy?

  "However, it is not common practice to keep a plunger..."

• 45:11Griffin McElroy?

  Is it?

• 45:11Travis McElroy?

  "However, is it not a common practice to keep a plunger around in case of toilet emergencies? Should I start keeping one in my car? Is it unsanitary to carry a travel plunger?" And that's from Travis.

• 45:23Griffin McElroy?

  What?

• 45:23Travis McElroy?

  McElroy.

• 45:24Griffin McElroy?

  No! Travis McElroy.

• 45:26Travis McElroy?

  Well, it says it's from developing a, it says it's from developing a complex in Cincinnati. So I just assumed it was, it was from Travis.

• 45:32Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 45:32Travis McElroy?

  Was that wrong? I don't poop anywhere but my own house.

• 45:35Griffin McElroy?

  Travis makes small pellets.

• 45:37Travis McElroy?

  Like a rabbit.

• 45:38Griffin McElroy?

  Easily square shaped.

• 45:40Travis McElroy?

  Hugely flushable.

• 45:41Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 45:41Travis McElroy?

  No prob. I, listen. If it's not a common practice to keep a plunger around in case of, why else do they exist?

• 45:51Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. No, I mean, it's, it is, I don't understand your point. I feel like it's, it is common practice to have a plunger around, but everybody makes mistakes. I don't think, guys, gun to your head, do you have a plunger by every toilet in your home?

• 46:02Travis McElroy?

  Yes. The important ones.

• 46:05Griffin McElroy?

  No, okay, you know what? I said yes with a lot of confidence. I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't. I don't, I don't know if I do or not. My kids will do stuff like they'll just take a plunger and I don't, I don't know, throw it down the hill or something. I don't know where things go. Where'd they put the nail clippers? I think. It feels antiquated to me because it feels like toilet technology has advanced to a point where these things can really rip down whatever you're brewing and it doesn't need a whole lot of extra help. One time, my friend Justin was visiting me in Chicago, not this Justin, and after pooping in our toilet, he knocked over a lady's speed stick deodorant and it fell into the toilet hole and plugged it right up. And then the guy had to come and deal with that. We did not have a plunger in this situation and it made things considerably worse. I am.

• 46:49Travis McElroy?

  I don't know if a plunger would have helped there, Griff.

• 46:52Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. For prying a lady's speeds, the lady's speed stick was perfectly, if you're ever trying to remember, how big is a lady's speed stick? It's the hole in the bottom of the toilet, perfectly that. It, when it fell in, it went, it made a perfect sort of. A seal. Vacuuming noise.

• 47:09Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, I think it would be pretty cool if you clogged a toilet and they didn't have a plunger and you went out to your car and you opened the trunk and sort of like in supernatural, but instead of weapons, it was just different plungers laid out in like a case, you know, where like I always said, what, what, what's the measurement? What brand of toilet do you have?

• 47:29Griffin McElroy?

  You probably have a floorboard and you flick a switch and John Wick style, the walls open up.

• 47:33Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 47:34Griffin McElroy?

  We're gonna need a number 16. I do have by all my toilets, one of them old brushes because I don't, I don't fucking mess around. Like leave, leave, don't even leave footprints. Take nothing, leave nothing, leave no sign of your presence there or what dirty stuff you did. I gotta have a brush by every, by every commode.

• 47:56Travis McElroy?

  I do, I've always thought that there is a missing, like see a need, fill a need kind of business innovation thing. A plunger and that scrubby brush, the second you use them, it occurs to you, I don't know what the next step. Again, cleansing the things. Right. So you have to do, the only option is to butt it in the toilet water to rinse it off. That's what the only thing you can do. And then it's like, well, this is the dirtiest thing that exists.

• 48:25Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 48:26Griffin McElroy?

  People say that when you're in the bathroom, your phone's the dirtiest thing in there. Beg to fucking differ. How about my brush, dude?

• 48:33Travis McElroy?

  How about that shitty brush that we use the shit water to clean the brush? It's crazy. It's crazy. Second, like there's a bucket full of bleach, like they have in barber shops with a barbicide, but something like that for your toilet. Dude, yes. Accessories.

• 48:46Griffin McElroy?

  Give me a little canteen of blue goo that I can dip that stuff into and then not even worry about it anymore.

• 48:52Travis McElroy?

  That I just know whatever's in there is killing every evil thing. Right. I love the first, it does, they don't last for very long, but the first like 20 flushes when it's just so blue. God damn, this couldn't be cleaner, man. All my sins are gone. It's like a mini golf course in here. It's beautiful. Yeah. It's like so good at first. So good. It feels like the kind of stuff they would have on the enterprise, right? That's what they flush with on the enterprise. I think that it is as a, as a host, if there's not a toilet, if there's not a plunger next to the toilet and you need one, I think that's on the homeowner. Agreed. Um, I,

• 49:33Travis McElroy?

  I do wonder what the procedure is like, once you realize the toilet is clogged, there is no plunger and you have placed an order from your local CVS. Are you just like lay, are you just like bor- bor- barricading yourself in?

• 49:48Griffin McElroy?

  You put in the DoorDash notes, you put in the DoorDash notes like, delivery instructions, bring it to the first floor west window. You will see me waving outside and I'm going like this with my finger, shh, that's where you hand it off. Do not ring the fucking doorbell.

• 50:05Travis McElroy?

  Don't ring the doorbell.

• 50:06Griffin McElroy?

  I'm at my in-laws place. They cannot know. And also, also hurry.

• 50:12Travis McElroy?

  I guarantee you, Griffin, if they, if you're a DoorDash driver and you get like an order for one plunger and nothing else, the hurry is implied. You don't, you're like, I gotta go.

• 50:24Griffin McElroy?

  Exact color you wanted. Are any of these colors okay?

• 50:26Travis McElroy?

  Yes, goddamn you.

• 50:28Griffin McElroy?

  I'd love to see that delivery confirmation picture too.

• 50:31Travis McElroy?

  Just through the back. You and your shorts around your ankles, holding it.

• 50:39Travis McElroy?

  Just take the picture.

• 50:43Griffin McElroy?

  Bring me a cyanide pill.

• 50:47Travis McElroy?

  Do they have those at CVS?

• 50:49Griffin McElroy?

  Just one plunger and a fake tooth I could bite down on.

• 50:53Travis McElroy?

  Oh, man. I love when an order at the drugstore, when you're like checkout is a little short story. And that's a hell of a one right there. One plunger. You know the deal. Delivered.

• 51:04Griffin McElroy?

  I've seen so many life hack videos of like, don't have a plunger? Here's what you do. Get some Saran Wrap and some tape and you tape it around the bowl. And then you push down on the Saran Wrap and with the vacuum force, it does fix it up. Now, this is not going to be a good solution for you because you can't walk out of the bathroom and say, hey, can I get some Saran Wrap and tape? Because they're going to ask you what you need it for. I would assume for toilet hacks, they may or may not know, they may not watch as much YouTube as.

• 51:34Travis McElroy?

  You can say it's like, well, it's a sexual thing. I'd rather not discuss it.

• 51:38Griffin McElroy?

  Sexual, I'm gonna.

• 51:38Travis McElroy?

  Then you don't have to be embarrassed. Stand guard outside the bathroom?

• 51:44Travis McElroy?

  Do you say, no, I'm sorry, I can't allow you in here? Or do you stay inside for 20 minutes while you wait for the delivery?

• 51:50Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 51:52Travis McElroy?

  I'm asking you guys, you're in the situation.

• 51:53Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, no, I'm thinking about it. It's a rough hypothetical. I definitely wouldn't stand guard. I would probably, I think I'm a good enough actor that I could just walk out. And then later, when someone comes into the, comes out to the rest of the party and is like, who did this? I think I'm good enough at those like werewolf mafia games. I think I could squeak through. I think I could get to the evening.

• 52:14Travis McElroy?

  When the, when the DoorDash order is like, order for Griffin. I'm looking for a Griffin McElroy. I have his plunger.

• 52:21Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, no, that would be a big clue for the other guys, for sure.

• 52:25Travis McElroy?

  I bet even, I bet even the camp, the camp kids could crack that one. This is why, okay, second business idea of the question. A new delivery service, I'm going to call it Instafart for now. We can brainstorm in the brain slam afterwards.

• 52:40Griffin McElroy?

  Jesus Christ.

• 52:41Travis McElroy?

  And it's just for this scenario and it will be delivered in a discreet brown box, no labels.

• 52:49Griffin McElroy?

  Trav, I gotta tell you, man. It feels like the podcast that we do is an idea factory for you because what you have just done is this person said, I don't have a plunger. Would it be weird to get a plunger? And your business is what if there was a place that brought you a plunger?

• 53:04Travis McElroy?

  Shark Tank.

• 53:06Griffin McElroy?

  It feels to me like this was a vehicle for Shark Tank and Instafart. Because what we said, the question was, what do I do in this situation? Because I don't have a plunger. And we were like, what if you ordered a plunger for delivery from DoorDash? And then your business idea was a place that delivers plungers to your door. Do you understand the discreet?

• 53:28Travis McElroy?

  Travis is saying, yeah, we all order plungers from DoorDash. But should that procedure be a little bit more humane? A little bit kinder, maybe even magical? Hi, this is Instafart. What if you, our pitch is, what if you could love your toilet plunger delivery service? And for an extra fee, the delivery driver will pose as a party guest and take the blame for the clog. Oh, that's good. I like that. We'll come, they should have people that will come and fix your plumbing for money, you know? Yeah. Okay, here's my business idea.

• 54:05Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. Trav? Trav, don't get me wrong, it's a kick ass business idea. I think I bristle at you calling it your business idea. We all cook, I feel like we cooked up this nugget in the kitchen.

• 54:19Travis McElroy?

  Are you gonna use it?

• 54:21Griffin McElroy?

  No, I'm busy. We got other stuff.

• 54:24Travis McElroy?

  I'm not gonna use it either, but I plant a flag on it and own it so someone else can't do it. Thank you so much for listening to this podcast right here. It's called My Brother, My Brother and Me. We do it every week. And we're so happy that you're here and listening to it. This is an exciting week for us because the, uh, the last Adventure Zone Balanced Graphic Novel, Story and Song, is coming out tomorrow. Like you can still preorder it right now if you're listening to this on Monday, but if not, just gotta please go buy it. God, please go buy some copies.

• 54:56Griffin McElroy?

  Wow, it helps us so much when you buy the book.

• 54:58Travis McElroy?

  That's a real, that's a real one, man. If you could just buy a bunch of copies of it and tell everybody else too. Boy, that'd be really helping out a lot.

• 55:03Griffin McElroy?

  It's a huge book. It's quality shit, front to back. I'm so proud of this book and it's crazy that it's out this week. So stoked.

• 55:12Travis McElroy?

  And along with that, we have a book release event this Thursday in Boston. Uh, there are still tickets on sale if you want to grab those. Uh, July 16th, 7pm at the Chevalier Theater. Each ticket includes a signed paperback copy of Story and Song provided by Brookline Booksmith. It's on macroy.family. Uh, you can find it in the events page.

• 55:32Griffin McElroy?

  Um, and also the book is at theadventurazonecomic.com if you just want, if you want to grab a copy of it. Um, we got some new merch in the merch store over at macroymerch.com. We got, uh, all butts no government sticker. We got the Trab Nation Centennial Celebration, uh, Mount Rushmore design. We got a bunch of other stuff happening over there. And 10% of all of our merch proceeds this month will also be donated to the Asian Pacific Environmental Network, which works to lead a transition away from an extractive economy based on profit and pollution and toward local, healthy and life sustaining economies that benefit everyone. Hey, thanks to Montane for the use of her theme song, My Life is Better With You. The music of Montane is so terrific. May I also suggest following Montane on any social platform that they may be on. It's a good, it's a good follow, okay? A premium follow.

• 56:15Travis McElroy?

  I have this Champions Grove, uh, uh, this Champions Grove shield that Jacob 3D printed at Champions Grove that says, thank you for an awesome weekend. I'm gonna throw that.

• 56:27Griffin McElroy?

  I do, I do like that a lot. I do like that a lot. I do worry, I think people enjoy this segment when it's something relatable, when they know like, oh, that's the sound of a big bag of lifesavers.

• 56:38Travis McElroy?

  Like a Shure SM58 microphone?

• 56:40Griffin McElroy?

  I mean, we talk a lot of shit about how the Shure SM58 can, can hammer in a nail and keep on ticking, but I've never really put the, put the-

• 56:48Travis McElroy?

  I think it's time to throw a fucking Shure SM58.

• 56:50Griffin McElroy?

  Dude, be careful what you throw at, cause that thing is an-

• 56:53Travis McElroy?

  Amanda, we're gonna throw a Shure SM58. It's the workhorse.

• 56:55Griffin McElroy?

  Wait, let's ask Amanda if we can do it. Amanda, can we throw the Shure SM58, the workhorse?

• 57:01Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, I said, yeah. That's fine.

• 57:05Griffin McElroy?

  Fucking yeah, dude.

• 57:06Travis McElroy?

  What are you fucking talking about? Now plug it in.

• 57:08Griffin McElroy?

  Now plug that shit in.

• 57:09Travis McElroy?

  Now plug it in to do your outro, right now.

• 57:11Griffin McElroy?

  Unplug your, unplug your, your...

• 57:12Travis McElroy?

  Unplug your shit, plug that shit in, and say your name, cuz my name, well, let me tell you, my friends, is Justin McElroy. And my name is Travis McElroy.

• 57:22Griffin McElroy?

  Still working, still functioning. I'm Griffin McElroy.

• 57:25Travis McElroy?

  This has been my brother, my brother man. Kiss your dad square on the lips.

• 58:00Speaker 04

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