I Didn’t Expect to Record This: I Want to Talk to You About tWitch’s Death

I’m checking in on you and me. There's a lot going on in the world right now, and I am still reeling from the news that Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss died from suicide. If you had to ask me to list the 5 most positive people on the planet, The Rock would be #1, and tWitch would be #2. Having lost too many friends and people I love to mental health challenges like depression, addiction, trauma, and hopelessness – all of who died from suicide – I’m just so heavy with emotion. tWitch was beloved by millions for being Ellen DeGeneres’ executive producer, dance partner, and DJ on her talk show. He was a part of people’s lives 5 days a week, for years. He competed on So You Think You Can Dance and he had one of those million-dollar smiles that just lit up every room he walked into. He is followed by millions of people online who love the adorable dances that he, his wife Allison, and his 3 kids do. Seeing such a bright light like tWitch go out so suddenly at the age of 40, with 3 beautiful kids, a huge life, and adoring fans around the world… It just stirred up so much sadness inside of me, and this may be stirring up a lot inside of you. You don’t have to know tWitch personally (I didn’t – I am just a fan) to be profoundly impacted by the news of his death. This may be bringing up experiences of loss from your own life. It may also be reminding you of moments when you were really struggling, which is another reason why I felt the urgency to talk to you today. And I thought, maybe you’re sad too Or having a hard time processing how someone who seemed to “have it all” and “so much talent” could come to a point where this could happen. Or maybe you are going through a tough time yourself. Or maybe you just need a friend to tell you it’s going to be okay and give you a boost. So I wanted to connect. I decided to roll out of bed, get right on the mic, and share what I'm feeling and how I'm thinking about tWitch's death so we can process this together. Please take 14 minutes to listen to this powerful message. I share my thoughts about how to process news like this and I also emphasize something tWitch always said: Be kind. Today, be kind. You never know what another person is going through, so be kind. And always, be kind to yourself. One thing you can do today is reach out to people you love. You never know what it’s going to mean to someone. If you don’t know what to say, you can share this episode. And, if you are in pain right now. PLEASE. There’s a difference between wanting to end the pain you feel, and wanting to end your life. You can end the pain with support and by taking small steps forward every single day. It can and it will get better. Please, if you need help, pick up the phone. You deserve support. Trained volunteers are standing by to help you. Call the National Suicide Hotline, which is 988 in the US. Different languages are available – click here. Or, text HOME to 741-741 for the Crisis Text Line. Thanks for reading this and listening to this episode. And I just wanted to end by saying, I love you and it means more than you know that you are here.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Mel Robbins?

  Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.

• 0:12Mel Robbins?

  So I just wanted to check in on you because there's a lot going on right now. I was sitting at my desk yesterday and I got the news that Steven Twitch Boss had died from suicide. And if you have not seen this news or you don't know who he is, let me just kind of share a little bit about him and why it impacted me. So he was best known, and this is how I knew him, for being one of the executive producers of Ellen DeGeneres's talk show. And he was not only an executive producer, he was on that show every single day, five days a week.

• 0:54Mel Robbins?

  He was the DJ, he would do all the dance parties with Ellen, he has this huge, amazing, megawatt smile and his energy. He's just one of those people that you didn't need to know him to know that literally positivity, dancing, spreading kindness, that's what this guy was all about. And you didn't need to know him to know that he was also all about his wife, Allison, and his three gorgeous kids. And during the pandemic, not only was he there with Ellen, but he and his wife, who

• 1:36Mel Robbins?

  are both dancers, started doing all of these choreographed awesome videos that went viral online and they spread so much joy for people, doing these dances and teaching people with their kids, all these dance moves. And they just were this positive, amazing force. And so when I heard the news that he died from suicide yesterday at the age of 40,

• 2:05Mel Robbins?

  It just rocked me to my core. And I'm still processing it. And when I woke up this morning, I also saw that I had missed the fact that yesterday was the 10th anniversary of Sandy Hook. And so I just felt this need to grab my coffee and to run up here, I haven't even washed my face yet this morning, and talk to you. And I just wanted to share what I'm thinking and feeling, because I think it's really important that in moments like this, where the news feels overwhelming, or the world

• 2:46Mel Robbins?

  feels overwhelming, and I know the holidays can just bring up a lot of stuff for a lot of us too, I want to check in on you. And I want to check in on myself. And so that's why I decided, I'm just gonna get on this mic, and I'm gonna just talk to you, and that's it. That's what we're doing today. So, first things first, I want to share with you what I'm thinking in the wake of learning that somebody that was so light, and positive, and amazing on the outside, how do you process that kind of news, that they died from suicide?

• 3:27Mel Robbins?

  You don't need to know Twitch personally, to be affected personally by the news of his death. You don't have to have lived in the Sandy Hook community to be impacted by the news that it was the 10th anniversary yesterday. Because these things that are happening out in the world, trigger you to remember experiences of loss in your own life. And so for me personally, I think one of the reasons why I have been so rocked by this news is because, you know, if you look at somebody like Twitch on the outside, this man exuded positivity.

• 4:10Mel Robbins?

  You never saw him without a smile on his face. You couldn't watch those dance videos without feeling the ripple of joy. And for me personally, it reminds me of a really dear friend of mine that died from suicide over 10 years ago.

• 4:29Mel Robbins?

  And the second that I heard this news about somebody who on the outside looked like they were just doing great, it reminded me of losing somebody that was the same way. And that may be happening to you. And the other thing that this is bringing up for me is that you just have no clue what's going on in somebody else's life. You have no clue what pain or trauma or experiences they're dealing with. You focus on the beautiful smile that somebody has, or the great job, or the bank account, or the awesome spouse, or the wonderful kids, or the big house. But people don't live at their house.

• 5:14Mel Robbins?

  You know where everybody lives? They live inside their heads. And you and I don't have a clue what it's like for somebody else to live with the pain inside their heads. And so, you know, one of the major takeaways here for me is one of Twitch's biggest messages, which is being kind. And the fact that being kind and being positive around other people, in fact, we underestimate the impact that it can have on somebody else's life to just be kind to them. And so that's one takeaway, that you just don't have a clue. So please, just don't assume that you know what's going on and assume that everybody is silently battling something.

• 5:57Mel Robbins?

  So it's on all of us to be kind to one another. Second thing that I want to say is I need you to be kind to yourself today. Because there's a lot swirling around right now. And so if you notice that you're thinking about people that you lost, which I am, I mean, yesterday, what was happening for me as I heard the news, and I, of course, immediately thought about his family, is I was transported back to the day that I learned that our dear friend Fred had died from suicide. And it's like I started reliving that day again. As I thought about the pain that Twitch's wife Allison and his three kids were feeling,

• 6:40Mel Robbins?

  I thought about this particular moment on the day that Fred died, where I was with his daughter and we were walking up the front steps to his house. And I knew that when we opened that door...

• 6:57Mel Robbins?

  I was going to be present when she learned that her father had died. It is a moment that changed me forever. And so that's also what was happening for me yesterday. And I was thinking about, you know, how much I miss Fred. And I was thinking about how sad and heartbroken I am about all the other people in my life that had struggled with mental health issues and addiction, or hopelessness, or depression, and how they all died from suicide, and just how much pain there is out there. It can be really overwhelming.

• 7:37Mel Robbins?

  And so if that's happening for you, because I think we all know somebody who died from a struggle with mental health, if that's happening for you, just be kind to yourself. Like, you may need to sleep in. You may need to go for a walk today. You should probably reach out to a friend and talk to somebody about it. It would be good for you to remember the person and the things that you miss about them. Like, remembering somebody that is gone and thinking about the things that you really loved about them, that's a really healthy thing to do on a day like today. But simply being aware that news like this brings up stuff for you that's personal, that's step one.

• 8:20Mel Robbins?

  Step two is being kind to yourself. Step three is being proactive about taking care of yourself today and reaching out. And step four is understanding this issue in a larger context. And so now I want to kind of switch gears and address something that's pissing me off. As I see people processing Twitch's death in particular, because this hit me as hard as Robin Williams, as hard as Anthony Bourdain, and I think the reason why it hits people so hard is because you're trying to make sense of somebody who seems like they've

• 8:59Mel Robbins?

  got it all together on the outside, and it, in your rational mind, it just makes no sense. And that is...

• 9:09Mel Robbins?

  Where the learning is. See, your mind is rational right now. You're objective. You're not living with the pain the person was living with. So when you look at the situation from your lens, you remove the pain that the person was feeling. And so it makes no sense to your brain, because your brain wasn't compromised from the mental health struggle that that person was really battling day in and day out. I think about a death from mental health struggles the same way I think about a death from cancer. Like, if you have a friend that dies of brain cancer, you say they died from cancer. If you have a friend or a loved one, as every single one of us does,

• 9:53Mel Robbins?

  who has died from a struggle with addiction or depression or trauma or toxic stress or any other mental health issue, that mental health challenge deteriorated the physical structure of that person's brain. That's what happened. The same way that brain cancer physically deteriorates the brain until it kills somebody. If you have a friend that's dying from brain cancer, you see them deteriorate on the outside. You see what's happening. You would never, in a million years, when somebody dies from brain cancer, go, "Oh, that's so selfish. Why did they choose to do that? What about their family?

• 10:38Mel Robbins?

  But they had so many resources." But I see so many people writing this horseshit online, and it's pissing me off, because it shows that you don't have a fricking clue what it means to struggle with a mental health issue. You don't have a fricking clue. And it really pisses me off when I see people that write really arrogant, pretentious things like, "Well, I struggled. I was in a dark thing, and I asked for help." Well, that's great. I'm happy that you didn't get so bad, that your brain wasn't so deteriorated, that you could ask for help.

• 11:20Mel Robbins?

  When somebody gets to the point that their brain functioning is so eroded that they cannot cognitively, rationally process the fact that there is a huge difference between ending the pain that you're dealing with and ending your life. When somebody gets to the point where they can't think clearly, it means the physical structure of their brain has deteriorated from the mental health battle. That's what that means. And that smile that people put on their faces the whole way through, that is so hard.

• 12:03Mel Robbins?

  Can you imagine to get to the point where you love your family so much that you think the only way to save them is to get rid of yourself? Like, this is just... That's how compromised your brain is. And so, when I think about this like-brain cancer, that the physical brain functioning is deteriorating to the point where nobody can think rationally, that removes all judgment and all I have is compassion and sadness. That's it. That is it. And that is all there is to have for the people that you've lost, for the folks that we continue to lose, and for anybody that's listening to this.

• 12:48Mel Robbins?

  If this is you and you're in a really dark place right now, I want to speak directly to you right now. Because you're meant to hear this right now. You can address the pain that you're feeling in your mind and your body. You can. And there are people standing by right now that are trained, that want to help you. And with support and with small, tiny moves forward every single day, you can make this pain lessen. You can loosen the grip it has on you, and you can feel better.

• 13:28Mel Robbins?

  You can also improve the physical structure of your brain. You can improve the way that you think so that your brain starts to support you. You can face this with a little bit of support. You can. And you can do that, and I want you to do that because we want you here. You have a big, beautiful life, and I know that if you believe that you could somehow lessen the pain you're feeling, you would want to live that life. And so, please, please, please get support for the pain that you're feeling and hold

• 14:13Mel Robbins?

  on to the life that you have, because your life is worth fighting for. And there are people that want to help you. And so, I just felt the need to talk to you, to check in with you. Be kind to yourself today. Stop assuming that you know what other people are thinking. Remember the people that you've lost and the things that you loved about them. And together, we'll get through this. We will, I promise. We have resources in the show notes. And of course, I want to tell you that I love you, and I believe in you, and I believe

• 14:54Mel Robbins?

  in your ability to just keep going and know that I'm gonna be here. I'm gonna be here, holding your hand, cheering you forward, and it means the world to me to know that you're here, holding my hand too. I love you. I'll talk to you in a few days.