Pod Insights The School of Greatness 137 The Art of Listening: How to Master Relationships Through Communication with Chris Lee About this episode "Sometimes people are communicating a much bigger message by what they're not saying." - Chris Lee If you enjoyed this episode, check out show notes and more at www.lewishowes.com/137. Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX
Transcript 11,191 words · 2 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:00 Lewis Howes? This is episode number 137 with transformation coach Chris Lee.
0:07 Lewis Howes? Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.
0:33 Lewis Howes? What is up everyone? Thank you so much for joining me today on the School of Greatness podcast. We've got one of my closest good friends back on the show, Mr. Chris Lee. That is right. You guys are tweeting at him constantly. I'm seeing your tweets. I'm seeing your messages. You're sending me emails saying, I'm so impacted by the episodes of Chris Lee. When he comes on, it's just mesmerizing. I listen to them 10 times over and over. I share them with all my friends. So he was back in LA. We had to get him back on and we were talking about the art and power of listening and how great leaders meet people where they are at. They don't expect everyone else to meet them where they're at.
1:16 Lewis Howes? They are able to listen effectively to everyone's needs, even when they're not saying something and they know how to listen to what people aren't saying when they are saying something. A little interesting, a little mind boggling, I understand, but this is all about connecting with people in an extremely powerful way through the art and power of listening. And through this interview, Chris is going to give you some exercises, some homework to see actually how effective of a listener you are. He's also going to ask you to find out if your closest friends and relatives actually think you're a good listener. So he's going to give you some exercises, some homework, some challenges here at the end.
1:58 Lewis Howes? But then for about 45 to 60 minutes, he's going to discuss the power of listening, how to listen deeply and intently. When you're listening to someone, what cues to pick up on, your body position. When you're listening, all the factors of an effective listener are in this episode. It's going to be extremely powerful hour for you if you decide it to be. So make sure to listen intently, clear out all your distractions so that you can receive the information powerfully. And I'm going to go ahead and take it away and introduce you to the one and only Mr. Chris Lee.
2:38 Lewis Howes? Welcome back, welcome back to the School of Greatness Podcast. I am so pumped today because we've got the one, the only Mr. Chris Lee back in the house. What is up, Chris?
2:49 Chris Lee? I am so excited to be here again. I think this is my fourth podcast with you.
2:54 Lewis Howes? Number four.
2:54 Chris Lee? And I keep getting messages and emails and Twitter followers from your following. And the feedback is beautiful. I really appreciate all you guys that shout out to me and give me feedback. And even though I may not answer you individually, I just want you to know, I appreciate that the message is reaching you.
3:14 Lewis Howes? And I constantly meet people when I'm traveling and I say, what's one of your favorite episodes? And they always say, that Chris Lee guy, you gotta have him back on. So I'm excited. We, you know, my intention is to have you on as much as we can because there's so much we could talk about.
3:27 Chris Lee? Absolutely.
3:28 Lewis Howes? And, you know, we were, we were discussing earlier in the week, what should we talk about this time? And we decided it was going to be about listening, the power of listening and how listening is actually the key to successful relationships.
3:43 Chris Lee? Listening is the key to successful relationships. It's the key to family, to business, to being an influential leader. Because if you're a boss and you're not listening to your employees or listening to your partners or listening to your client, you're only operating based on your own agenda. And then you're out of a relationship. And listening gives me the ability to be connected to you. And so I could listen to you. And by listening to you, it bridges any gaps. And the key, we all know that the key to success in business, relationships and anything that's important to us is our relationships and our ability to maintain relationships.
4:25 Lewis Howes? Yeah, and I was sitting with our good friend Caduce a couple nights ago for dinner. And I said, I'm gonna have Chris Lee back on, we're gonna talk about listening. What's the one question you would ask? So I thought we'd start with this.
4:35 Chris Lee? Oh, good.
4:36 Lewis Howes? And then you could come back and talk about the principles of listening that you have that we talked about. But since this is on top of my mind, he said, why, since listening is the key to success and being in relationship and everything you just said, how come it's the only part of communication they don't teach us in school? They teach us how to communicate, they teach us how to present, but there's not a class on listening. And there's never a class anyone takes like, here's how to be a great listener.
5:03 Chris Lee? I think, I think we missed the boat on that. Just like we missed the boat on, there's no classes on emotional intelligence.
5:09 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
5:10 Chris Lee? I mean, what class, what period is emotional intelligence on?
5:13 Lewis Howes? Not.
5:13 Chris Lee? Right. And even in, in the university, as a matter of fact, I've been invited by UMass Boston to be a visiting professor to do a class on emotional intelligence. And part of, part of the keys to emotional intelligence is to be able to be a generous listener.
5:32 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
5:33 Chris Lee? Which is what we're gonna talk about today.
5:34 Lewis Howes? And you do a great job with this. You do, you're like so committed to people that you give, it's like your whole energy and body is wanting to hear what they're saying. And you're so intuitive that you can tell, even when they're saying something, you can tell if they're really trying to say something else. And you call it listening to the listening, right?
5:54 Chris Lee? Right. So listening what's behind people's words, listening what's behind people's communication, because there's two messages, the public one and the private one.
6:04 Lewis Howes? Right.
6:05 Chris Lee? And then when you learn how to read people's private messages, then you become more effective. And that's the goal of anyone who's listening to us right now, is to have tools of effectiveness. And that's why I'm so excited to be able to bring to everyone listening to us, tools that is gonna, that are gonna enhance their effectiveness in their relationships and every aspect of their lives. And part of that is listening. And I even asked you, have you done a podcast on listening? You said, no. And so here it is.
6:32 Lewis Howes? There we go. So let's talk about the, the, the principles of listening first. Let's set the stage and kind of go into the basics with the principles that you have.
6:41 Chris Lee? So I have 10 key principles about that that have to do with being affect an effective listener. And the first tool has nothing to do with the other person. It has to do with me being open. Because if I'm not an open person, and if I'm not open to possibilities, and I'm not open to that what I believe or what my beliefs are not necessarily always to light the truth in the way, then no matter what message you send me, I'm not going to hear it.
7:11 Lewis Howes? So how does someone become open first, or what's the steps to becoming open?
7:16 Chris Lee? So one of the ways I could be open is being clear that that maybe there are some other points of views other than my point of view that are valid, or that I could grow. That admitting that I'm not right doesn't make me weaker, but it makes me stronger in many cases. So I gotta give up my ego. And my ego is a commitment, which is involuntary, like sneezing, to looking good, which we love to be look good, to being right, to be in control, and to avoid pain. And so in pain and rejection, so I need to give up my ego. I gotta give up being control, looking good, all for the benefit of my vision.
7:56 Chris Lee? See what has me be open and what has me be willing to get uncomfortable and get out of my comfort zone is my vision. And then my vision is to be an effective leader, an effective boss, an effective husband, wife, son, daughter, client, you know, empower someone who empowers people. Then I gotta get past my ego. And I always say that the more I think I know, the less I realize I really do know.
8:24 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
8:24 Chris Lee? And so I'm a I'm wide open, which is why I'm able to be effective in front of 200 people. I'm in a seminar right now. I have 200 leaders that I am a wide open space. And talk about practicing listening. I am I am a listening. It's not even something that you do. Listening to set the stage is a way of being. So we're talking about listening as a platform of being in your life. You are a listening. And I believe that the first step is to be open. And just because I don't agree with you doesn't mean it's not true. Or just because I don't like what you're saying doesn't mean that I can't listen to you. I could listen to you whether I agree with it or not. Sometimes people don't need your opinion.
9:09 Chris Lee? They just want you to listen. And by listening, I mean, think about it, Louis. How do you feel when somebody listens to you without judgment? What's that? What does that creating you?
9:17 Lewis Howes? It feels like freedom. It feels like seen. It feels heard. It feels accepted, acknowledged. It feels like they care about you, like you're worthy. It feels like you're worthy.
9:28 Chris Lee? Think about the feedback you've gotten about of your podcast. I listened to you. I listened to your podcast. Your podcast has changed my life. What does that evoke?
9:39 Lewis Howes? Hmm, it's really emotional. It can be very emotional, inspiring. Uh, it creates more courage, I would say. Creates more passion to achieve my vision, to do whatever it takes. You know, it gives me more energy. All those things, all the above.
9:55 Chris Lee? So that's what people feel when you listen to them.
9:58 Lewis Howes? Yeah, that's interesting.
9:59 Chris Lee? So think about that. So those of you listening to hear what Louis is saying. If you want people to have that experience of you, your clients, your husband, your wife, the people that surround you, then you gotta be a wide open space for people to communicate and to share. And I believe that many of our relationships, which will be the next podcast, I promise, on relationships. Cause a lot of people have asked me, what are you gonna talk about relationships? So we'll talk about that next time. But many relationships fail because we don't listen to each other. Because we already think we know what they're gonna say, or we're not open to what they're gonna say, or we wanna be right about what we think. And then we don't give people the chance to express themselves.
10:42 Chris Lee? And some people get tired of being with people that don't listen. You know, think about, so think about, now let's talk about how you feel when you're with someone who doesn't listen to you.
10:50 Lewis Howes? It's exhausting. It's like they're your enemy. When someone listens to you, it feels like you're on the same team and you're working on the same goal. And they get the vision and they're behind you.
11:00 Chris Lee? Like think about a coach, like when you've played many sports, a coach that does not care about what you have to say.
11:05 Lewis Howes? It feels like you're playing against the enemy, or it's like they just don't want you to win, that they don't care about you. That, and it's, for me, when I take it, when I used to take it in sports, when a coach was like constantly negative or not listening or just brushed me off, like it didn't matter. It was like, why am I even here? Why am I giving my life to this person? My energy, sacrificing my body in sports, obviously, for this experience of getting treated like crap.
11:33 Chris Lee? And they're not even open.
11:35 Lewis Howes? Not even open. They're so close minded. They're right about everything and you're wrong. And it's their way or the highway.
11:42 Chris Lee? Exactly. And so relationships that are like that don't last because it's like a dictatorship. You're with somebody who is the one who holds the truth and anything that you say that does not line up with what they think is rejected.
11:57 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
11:58 Chris Lee? So truly the key, and I think this podcast is really important because the key to success in business, in your relationships, in your family, is really learning the art of listening. It's an art. It's a way of being. And it leads to unity, transformation, success.
12:20 Lewis Howes? Connection.
12:21 Chris Lee? Leads to connection to extraordinary results and it's absolutely amazing. So the first element, I would say, the first principle is to be open.
12:31 Lewis Howes? I love that. It's a great first principle.
12:33 Chris Lee? Yeah, it's awesome. So.
12:34 Lewis Howes? I feel like we could talk about that for an hour. We could talk about each one of these forever.
12:39 Chris Lee? But I, I really want people to register that you really. You know, be open and I think that's also a principle that's valuable for anything in life. Be open to possibilities, trust the process, be open to that the way you have it, the map you're using doesn't always match the territory. And so if the map you're using doesn't match the territory, you gotta be open to new maps. And as a boss that listens to their employees. They feel heard and seen, they'll go above and beyond. They will be more productive, more effective, they will have your back. A boss who does not listen to their employees, they'll be filled with resentment, with anger. And do you want that energy in your office? No, that's a no, definitely not. I, you know, I hope, I should ask Sarah if I listen to her enough, but I think, I think she would say I do.
13:24 Chris Lee? So hopefully she's listening in the other room.
13:28 Chris Lee? Awesome. So what's the next point? So the second principle in listening is to create the space to listen. So. How does one create a space? Well, when you have something to communicate, it's important that you be responsible for the environment you want around you so that it's conducive to effective communication. So you're kind of saying like setting the stage. Setting the stage, setting the environment. Grounding. So for me, like, let's say you would say you want to talk to me about something important. I would say to you, okay, so when can we talk? Let's set the time and mostly it's, it should be face to face. If it's important, if it's something on your mind, yeah.
14:10 Chris Lee? I say that really there's a, what I call the seventy, thirty percent rule. And seventy percent of communication is not the words. It's nonverbal. Yeah, well, it's nonverbal, it's the mood, it's the tone, it's the energy, the feeling, the body language. Thirty percent is what they're saying. Yeah. And so when I have something important to communicate, and those of you that have things that are important to communicate, one of the biggest mistakes you make is that you text it. Oh. A text will never get the full force or the full scope of your message. Because if the energy does not match the words, then something is off. Another mistake people make is they send emails.
14:52 Chris Lee? Or they leave a text, or they leave a voicemail, or they do it over the phone. Big mistake, important information, pertinent information for your business, your relationship, your career, your families. You must do it, I would say, face to face. Okay. And so face to face, that means establish eye contact, be an open body language. You know, your body language also lets you lets people know if you're listening or not.
15:20 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
15:20 Chris Lee? Like if your arms are crossed and your legs are crossed and you're leaning back and people are talking to you and you're moving your head around and they're like looking at you. You know, they're talking to you is like looking for a moving target, you know, trying to hit a moving target. You know, because you're moving around and it's like, well, how do I catch them? So it's very frustrating to the speaker to have somebody who is not really listening to you or the or listening in a generous way.
15:47 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
15:47 Chris Lee? And so listening generously would be that we would create the stage, the scene, the setting, the environment to where cell phones are off, the TV is off, the door is closed and there's just me and you. And I'm, if I'm going to be generous to listening to you, I'm an open body position. That means I'm cross my arms, I'm cross my legs and I'm looking right into your eyes. Doesn't mean I have to stare, you know, fixed into someone's eyes because you don't want to freak them out either.
16:20 Lewis Howes? It's a dance.
16:21 Chris Lee? You know, I just kind of look into your eyes and I'm like, so I could look around, but I'm mostly looking towards you and into your eyes.
16:27 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
16:27 Chris Lee? And and and letting people communicate.
16:30 Lewis Howes? Okay, so that's setting the stage and creating the environment so that one can feel heard in the first place and that's so you can communicate in the first place to be heard.
16:40 Chris Lee? So think about it, have you ever had to communicate something important and people were doing something else at the same time?
16:46 Lewis Howes? Yes.
16:47 Chris Lee? Does you feel like your message is landing?
16:49 Lewis Howes? No.
16:50 Chris Lee? No, because they're focusing on many things at the same time. And so if you're going to be a generous listener, it means that you're going to provide all of your energy, your body, your heart, your body, all of you to the person that's communicating to you. And that feels great. It feels wonderful to be able to communicate to someone that's actually paying attention.
17:11 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
17:12 Chris Lee? You know, I love about working with you, Lewis, is you are an incredible listener. You are somebody who you make people feel like they're the most important person in the world. And when you are a generous listener. Then that's something that's important that you do, which by the way is the next principle. So the, the, the third principle I would say is to have the person feel like they are the most important person in the world.
17:38 Lewis Howes? Because they are.
17:39 Chris Lee? Because they are, because they're in your world and they matter to you. And by giving people that attention, that smile, that I'm with you, I'm here. You know, none of this, okay, you have 30 seconds, go, or I'm rushed.
17:56 Lewis Howes? Two minutes.
17:57 Chris Lee? Yeah. And so really, really having people, you know, setting the stage is important, but also having people feel like they're the most important person in the world.
18:05 Lewis Howes? And I think the way, you know, thanks for saying those nice words and I, you know, continue to learn to practice becoming a better listener because I think it's a journey. And, uh, you know, I haven't figured it all out. I'm always learning and getting feedback on when I'm messing up or not being an active listener. So. But the one of the things that I learned about that are the way I, I think I started doing that is because I never felt heard when I was a child growing up. I never felt like I had the friendships I wanted. My parents were so busy trying to just make money for us four kids. And it was like just trying to get attention so that someone would see that I was alive was, was what I was about growing up. So I was like, I don't want people to feel this way that I felt my whole childhood.
18:47 Lewis Howes? You know, even though I know people loved me and they were there for me and everything. It's like, I just felt internally like I need the attention or never gave it to me. So that's why I think it's important to give people your attention. Doesn't matter who it is, if they're above you or below you or whatever status to give your full attention. You know, I'm constantly appreciative of everyone who's in service, anywhere I go. It may be at the airlines, it may be in a restaurant, it may be the janitor. I'm constantly want to know about them and appreciate them because we're all in service. And it doesn't matter what level we're at, everyone matters. And, uh, I appreciate you for acknowledging that.
19:22 Chris Lee? Well, thank you. And, and that's part of the value of, of being a generous listener. And I don't even mean it like in a occasion. I just mean it in terms of a way of being. Like, sometimes you don't have the time to sit down in an office or sit down on a couch. But you're talking to the person at the grocery store. Or you're, you know, saying thank you to the cashier or thank you to the parking attendant. Looking them in the eyes. You know, it's just looking people in the eye and just acknowledging them and knowing, letting them know that you listen to them and that you feel them. And that they're there and you're validating them. And having people feel like they're the most important person in the world is just being a generous person.
20:07 Chris Lee? You're being a generous person. And I noticed that some people, based on hierarchy, they are that way with people that are above them, but people that are below them in terms of money or fame or status. I'll give an example. Today, we ran into across a singer, who's a very famous singer. I won't mention her name. But it was interesting because the girl that I was with is also someone who's aspiring to be a singer. And so she went up to the singer and said, hi, you so and so. I really admire you. Can I get a picture with you? And I saw the look on her face and the look on her face was like disconnected. Really? Like, uh, okay, let's just get this over with. Uh, let's do whatever here.
20:52 Chris Lee? But she wasn't a listening for my friend. She wasn't listening. She wasn't connected. She wasn't, uh, grateful, gracious. It's kind of like, you know, but I promise you that if Barbra Streisand had gone up to her, she would have been fully attentive. Sure. But it's really important that we treat everybody like they are the most important person in the world. And that's something that's very important in generous listening. Whether it's your mom or your dad or your sister, your brother, or whoever that is. You know, really being connected with the person and having them feel like they are important. It's important. And part of what you're saying about needing that,
21:34 Chris Lee? needing to feel heard is not just about being heard. We want to feel validated. We want to feel like we matter. And when you listen to someone, you have them feel like they matter.
21:47 Lewis Howes? Love that. Is that point three or four?
21:49 Chris Lee? Three.
21:50 Lewis Howes? Okay. Point four.
21:52 Chris Lee? Point four. It's important that you listen to the words, what people are saying, that you don't edit them. Because sometimes what we do is we tend to edit people's communication.
22:05 Lewis Howes? What do you mean?
22:06 Chris Lee? By interrupting them, by wanting to complete their sentences, complete their statements, by being impatient. You know, someone's saying something and you're like, well, what you really mean to say is da, da, da, or that, you know, you just, we end up interrupting people.
22:24 Lewis Howes? Let me ask you this, because I feel like when you just said that, I was like, man, I know in conversations with my friends that I will interject when they're saying something because I get excited and I want to be with them and say it with them. So is there a different, is that bad? Or not sorry to say bad, but is that not being a good listener? Or is it okay to match their energy and, you know, express with them while they're talking? Or is that really interrupting them?
22:51 Chris Lee? That's interrupting because you're not listening to them because what you're doing is you're planning yourself what you're gonna say.
22:56 Lewis Howes? Hmm. Man, I got a lot of work to do.
22:58 Chris Lee? Of course you do. Look, listening is something that we develop every day. I'm still learning to listen and I consider myself an expert, but I'm still taking that on. And one of the things that I do is that since I read people and I'm able to see where they're coming from quickly, I want to jump right to the point and I don't give people the chance to complete their sentences.
23:21 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
23:22 Chris Lee? And especially in a seminar that I don't have the time, I'm like, okay, stop. So what you mean to say is da, da, da, da. But I know that that's a mistake. I need to let people complete their statement. Now, the thing is that when they go on and on and on and on and on, as a coach, it's my job to coach them on how to communicate effectively, which is another conversation.
23:40 Lewis Howes? Sure.
23:41 Chris Lee? But listening is being, you know, you want to be in open space to let them communicate what they are going to communicate without you editing it, without you planning what you're gonna say next, or listening in a selective way. Like sometimes people listen to the part of the story they like and then respond to that.
24:02 Lewis Howes? Give me an example.
24:03 Chris Lee? Yeah, so I'm saying to you that my mother and I were having a fight and I was having a hard time with my mom and I feel sad because she's getting older. She's 86 years old and I live in fear about something happening to her. And I'm telling you about that, right? I'm telling you that, you know, my mom and I had a fight and then we went to the mall at the Beverly Center and you interrupt me.
24:27 Lewis Howes? I love the Beverly Center.
24:28 Chris Lee? Exactly. Now, that's called selfish listening. So you're listening to the part of the story that you like. And so that's not giving me the opportunity to complete my communication. You're not listening to my words. You're just listening to the part of the story that you like. So I think, and I believe that a recommendation I have is to let people communicate, listen to what they're saying, and form a mental picture of what they're describing. So use the power of visualization and put yourself into what they're communicating. So if I'm talking to you about going to Hawaii, and I'm talking to you about being underneath a waterfall, put yourself in that waterfall and see how
25:13 Chris Lee? it feels.
25:14 Lewis Howes? Sounds pretty good.
25:15 Chris Lee? Yeah. Are you feeling it, guys? We're in Hawaii. You're underneath this incredible waterfall and there are orchids all around you. And so by forming a mental picture of what it is that I'm communicating or that somebody's communicating, that allows you to be more connected into the story and into the communication.
25:39 Lewis Howes? Being a listening.
25:41 Chris Lee? Being a listening. And so that requires for you to be connected to the person and it also requires empathy. So forming that mental picture is about compassion. It's about empathy. It's about walking in people's shoes, seeing and experiencing through their filters.
26:00 Lewis Howes? It's a powerful point. And I feel like each one of these points, we could have a whole show on, because I love the way you explain everything and express it. It's so vivid. It's so, it's so good. So we're gonna have to do, I think, 10 episodes in total of this.
26:15 Chris Lee? Unlistening.
26:15 Lewis Howes? Exactly. But let's move on to point number five.
26:18 Chris Lee? So point number five is connecting to the emotion.
26:24 Chris Lee? So not just the visualization of the experience, not just the words, but what are the feelings behind the words? So what we would call, what is the listening of the listening? So where are people communicating from? And if you're able to, if you're able to tune into people's emotions and feelings and, and connect to that, that is going to allow you, allow the messenger to feel closer to the listener.
26:52 Lewis Howes? Is this the 30% then, or is there something else?
26:54 Chris Lee? Yeah, this is part of the, this is part of the 70, no, no, this is part of the 70%.
26:59 Lewis Howes? 70%.
27:00 Chris Lee? 30% is the words.
27:01 Lewis Howes? 30% is the words, 70% is what everything else.
27:05 Chris Lee? The emotion, the body language, you know, everything else.
27:10 Lewis Howes? Okay.
27:10 Chris Lee? And so part of that 70% is what we're describing. We're not describing the whole 70% or this.
27:15 Lewis Howes? Part of it.
27:15 Chris Lee? Principle. We're talking about part of it, which is the feelings about it.
27:19 Lewis Howes? Okay, so tell me one more time, what are the feelings? What are some of the feelings you're talking about?
27:24 Chris Lee? So maybe somebody is communicating anger or frustration or confusion or sadness or guilt or resentment or anger.
27:35 Lewis Howes? It's listening to those emotions. It's being in tune with and connected to those emotions is what you're saying.
27:42 Chris Lee? Correct.
27:43 Lewis Howes? Got you. Whether they're expressing it non-verbally or it's in their tone or any of those things.
27:49 Chris Lee? Well, you could see it with their hands. You could see that with their body language or it's on the phone. Like, let's say you don't have the chance to, I'm not saying that the only way to be generous listeners to be in person, you could actually be a generous listener on the phone. A lot of people have the, you know, the, the freedom to be in person in front of everybody. And you could actually be a generous listener over the phone. But you want to listen to the tone. The tone of the voice is a lot, the mood, the pace, the words, the sub-context, what's the underlying conversation that the people are having?
28:24 Lewis Howes? You know, it's interesting, my brother made a point like a few years ago. I saw him talking on the phone and he was smiling when he was finishing the conversation. It wasn't like a happy thing. He was just talking about he was just smiling to smile. And I go, why are you smiling? You know, and he said, people can tell when you're on the phone, the energy that you have. And so I'm always trying to come from a happy place, especially with clients.
28:47 Chris Lee? Well, they could, they could feel your smile. I said that all the time.
28:50 Lewis Howes? Your smile, if you're not smiling, they can tell.
28:51 Chris Lee? They could tell. And people that are customer and customer service when on the phone, you could tell when you're being rushed. I was on the phone with American Airlines and I think that the person I was talking to was pissed off. Because, may I help you? Yeah. You know, it was like so, so short. I, they were not smiling. And I just said, can I ask you a question? Are you okay?
29:15 Lewis Howes? What, what'd they reply with?
29:16 Chris Lee? Wow, no one's ever asked me that. Yeah, I just want to know, let's just stop the reservation for a moment. Are you okay? I wanted to say thank you because you spend so much time serving so many people. And I want to say, I hope you're having a good day. And she's like, wow, I'm actually not feeling well. And thanks for, how did you know that? I'm like, well, I picked it up.
29:35 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
29:36 Chris Lee? But I addressed what I was listening to. And at the end, she said, thank you. You made my day.
29:43 Lewis Howes? That's right.
29:44 Chris Lee? And you're right, you could pick it up over the phone.
29:46 Lewis Howes? And that's because you were being open to listening and not just about your own agenda.
29:50 Chris Lee? Correct. And I was connecting to her feelings.
29:53 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
29:54 Chris Lee? I was connecting to her feelings. So not only was I making a mental picture of what she was saying, I was also getting the emotional message that she was sending me. And it was pretty toxic at the time.
30:04 Lewis Howes? Of course.
30:05 Chris Lee? It was very heavy, very intense.
30:07 Lewis Howes? So listen to the emotions and the feelings behind the words.
30:12 Chris Lee? Correct.
30:12 Lewis Howes? And the body language. Be in tune with it, be aware of it. Be open to it.
30:17 Chris Lee? And be receptive, be receptive. Allow, allow them to communicate and be sensitive to people's feelings. Sometimes people are communicating a much bigger message by what they're not saying than what they are saying. And it's our job as leaders. And powerful listeners, generous listeners to pick up both. What are the words? Yes. What's the picture? Yes. But what's the emotion? What's the feeling? What's beneath it? Maybe you have an employee that is not happy at the job and he's answering in a very short way, in a very stressed out way, and you're just taking the answer at face value.
31:03 Chris Lee? Instead of going, hey, I noticed that you're upset. What's going on? Or your child, or your son, or your daughter. A lot of times, we don't listen to the, to the signs that people give us that let us know that they're not happy, or they're not productive, or they're not where they want to be. And an effective coach, an effective listener, an effective leader is able to pick up those signs, whether the sign is of stress, of anger, of frustration, of disappointment. And I believe that as we get more in tune to other people, we become more effective at picking up those signs.
31:41 Lewis Howes? Yeah. And how many times throughout the day do people say, I'm okay, I'm fine. Everything's great, when actually something's off.
31:50 Chris Lee? Correct. And then someone who doesn't listen will go, okay, well, have a good day. Or great. Oh, I'm so happy you're happy. Like, it's like when I ask people, so how's your marriage? And they're like, it's great. That's what they're publicly saying, but privately they're saying it sucks.
32:06 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
32:06 Chris Lee? How's your job? Oh, it's good. Really? Tell your face. Tell the tone. You know, it's like we, we say one thing, we feel another. And that's something that we grew up with. We don't validate how we feel.
32:20 Lewis Howes? Why do we do that?
32:21 Chris Lee? Because we're afraid of what people are going to think. We're afraid of being rejected. It's our ego. We want to look good. We don't want people to reject us. We don't want to be honest. Like saying to someone, I'm having a bad day. I'm sad. I need support is a sign of weakness. And I say it's the opposite. It's a sign of strength to be able to say, I need your support. That's why I believe so much in coaching and how we all need a coach. And that's why I'm able to coach people. I coach you. I coach a lot of people. And the reason why I do this is because as a coach, I could hear things that the person I'm coaching can't hear because they're in their body.
33:00 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
33:01 Chris Lee? And so it's really getting to what's really going on. I call it the elephant on the table.
33:09 Chris Lee? You know, you're at the dinner table and you know, there's something that we're not talking about.
33:14 Lewis Howes? Something's off.
33:15 Chris Lee? Something's off, but we're saying pass the gravy.
33:20 Chris Lee? That's someone who's not effective listening. A generous listener would go, okay, we need to have a conversation. What is it that we're not addressing? And I think that also part of generous listening, and this would be the next principle, is knowing what questions to ask.
33:36 Lewis Howes? How do we know which question to ask?
33:37 Chris Lee? So you want to ask clarifying questions in their communication. So once they're complete, you want to ask clarifying questions that clarify the message. You want to ask how people feel about what they're saying. You want to ask if there's anything else that they're not saying.
33:51 Lewis Howes? So you say, if I expressed something to you and was telling you something that was off or that was upset about, or the elephant on the table, how would you respond? Let me be clear on what you just said, or what do you mean by clarifying?
34:05 Chris Lee? So the questions I would ask after you communicate and before I repeat back to you the communication, because that's another step. I would first make sure I got clear on what it is that you're saying. So if the communication is vague, I would ask for more specifics. So what you're telling me, so, so let me see if I understand this. Clarify for me what you mean, because you just said X and I didn't quite understand it. Or how did you feel in that moment? Or is there anything else that you haven't said to me? So you just want to make sure.
34:44 Lewis Howes? The question you asked me.
34:45 Chris Lee? You want to make sure, uh huh.
34:47 Lewis Howes? The question that you asked me, I thought it was really good one time was, is there anything you're avoiding? And I was like, hmm, it opened up like, what am I not saying?
34:56 Chris Lee? Right. So it's, it's making sure that people are done communicating. Because sometimes we withhold. Sometimes we don't communicate the entire message. So basically this step is really making sure that people have completed their communication. Is there anything else you haven't told me? So it's clarifying the message.
35:19 Lewis Howes? Gotcha. Okay.
35:20 Chris Lee? So once you're able to clarify the message, then you've got clear. What the information is.
35:28 Chris Lee? And then the next step, or the next key to generous listening. Would be to repeat back. What you heard.
35:38 Lewis Howes? This is so powerful and important, I feel, and I've been learning this through you over the last couple of years a lot. The power of this because. And I practice it on a daily basis with my team and my employees. They'll tell me something that's bothering them or that's not working and I say, let me be clear what I heard you say. This is what I'm hearing you say. Is there anything else? You know, or is that not clear? Is that not what I said? And so I try, I practice that based on watching you and hearing you is like, let me be clear on this is what I'm hearing you say. Is there anything else?
36:10 Chris Lee? So repeating back what people said, so once, so, so let me be clear. The first part of it is having people communicate everything. Is there anything else? Clarifying and then moving into, okay. So here's what I just heard you say. What I just heard you say is, and you want to paraphrase, you want to summarize, you don't have to go word for word. But what I just heard you say is that you. Had a situation that you're not comfortable with and the outcome was, and just kind of give them a summary of what it is that you just heard somebody say. From. A simple instruction that someone might give you. Or to something even more elaborate, more complicated.
36:56 Chris Lee? And not only repeating back what they said, but also share the emotion you picked up.
37:02 Lewis Howes? Why is that important?
37:03 Chris Lee? Because then people feel like you're connected to them. It makes people feel like you care. So let's say you're telling me about a separation with a friend, a falling out. And you're giving me the facts and I'm asking, is there anything else you haven't told me? Is there anything that you're avoiding by not saying it? Well, I also know that it, you know, I felt guilty about it and I blew it and the friendship is no longer there. And, you know, like that. And for me to repeat it back to you, so what I just heard you say, Louis, is that you had this situation, da, da, da, da, da, da. And I'm also picking up that you're sad about it and that you feel guilty.
37:45 Lewis Howes? And what does that do for people when they hear that? You've picked that up.
37:49 Chris Lee? You open something up for them that maybe they didn't even know. And it gives them power over the situation.
37:56 Lewis Howes? So it's almost like they can let it go or they don't need to feel bad about the situation anymore because they feel, now they feel heard and understood?
38:03 Chris Lee? Well, it's a part of a clearing process and it's also gives people the opportunity to validate their feelings.
38:11 Lewis Howes? Gotcha.
38:11 Chris Lee? So they're able to see it, experience it, and they're able to validate it. And when you own something, you gain power over it. It gives you the power to let it go, the power to move forward. Part of why we hang on to stuff is that we don't clear it.
38:25 Lewis Howes? And by clearing, you mean?
38:27 Chris Lee? Expressing, communicating, letting it go. I'm really upset, Louis, because of this, this, and this, and this, and this. And for you to cut me off or to interrupt me is going to keep that upset. Or for you to get defensive and, and argue back is going to maintain the upset versus is there anything else you haven't said? Is there anything else you even communicated? How do you feel about that?
38:53 Lewis Howes? And so many people hold on to something for so long because they never clear.
38:57 Chris Lee? And for you to go, well, I just heard you say that you're upset with me because of this, this, this, this, this, this, and that you feel this way, this way, this way. Am I, is that, is that accurate? So check back in. Is that accurate?
39:09 Lewis Howes? So that validation is really powerful and important.
39:12 Chris Lee? And then they're gonna go, absolutely, that's how I feel. And then you can move to the next step, which is resolving or honoring whatever the request is, if there's something to honor. So if someone's making a request of you, or if it's an instruction at work, or if it's something that someone needs, or if they need coaching, or they need support, then you could honor that, that I could coach you, because now I got all the information, I got the feeling, you feel heard, and I'm able to make a difference for you. Or simply, I could just hear you, because sometimes the result is they don't want coaching.
39:44 Lewis Howes? They don't want a response.
39:46 Chris Lee? They don't want a response, they just want to be heard.
39:49 Lewis Howes? And I think you mentioned this sometime, that people just say, you know, they'll come to you and say, I don't want you to say anything, I don't want you to coach me, I just want to be able to say something with you in the room, and know that you're listening.
39:59 Chris Lee? Exactly.
40:00 Lewis Howes? Because that'll make, that'll be a cleaning process for them. Or that'll help them like go, or just feel like, you're not, you don't have an agenda to say something in return.
40:10 Chris Lee? And it's important to feel that the, like, back to the openness, to feel that I'm not going to be judged by what I'm gonna tell you, and that I'm just gonna be heard. And we're not listening to each other, we're not listening to our families, we're not listening to our relationships, we're not listening to our husbands, our wives, our bodies, we're not listening to our finances, we're not listening to the world, we're not listening to what's happening, because we're disconnected. Listening is not just about listening directly to another person, it's listening to your body, it's listening to life, it's listening to trends. And the key to success is relationship, and the key to relationships is listening.
40:50 Lewis Howes? Okay, what point are we on?
40:54 Lewis Howes? Because you said like, two or three right there in a row.
40:56 Chris Lee? Well, I was still on the point of repeating back what the person heard.
41:02 Chris Lee? I'm still on that point of repeating them back what the person heard.
41:05 Lewis Howes? Okay.
41:05 Chris Lee? And being able to communicate clearly and paraphrasing and also letting people know the emotion.
41:12 Lewis Howes? Okay.
41:13 Chris Lee? And then I moved to the point of honoring the request of whether it's coaching they want or they just want to be heard.
41:20 Lewis Howes? Okay.
41:21 Chris Lee? And, uh, you know, what is it that they are looking for out of the communication?
41:26 Lewis Howes? What's the result? Yeah.
41:27 Chris Lee? Yeah. And so the next point in listening that I, that I think is important is also identifying the kinds of people that are talking to me. And this goes back to a prior episode where we were looking at different quadrants. And so like, if I have somebody who's a controller, then you know that that person is operating from a different set of beliefs and structures and they're looking for a specific thing. Controllers usually, if I'm going to listen to a controller, what they're looking for is to produce the result. They're looking to produce an outcome. And so being able to listen to that person, I'm able to coach that person.
42:11 Chris Lee? And I'm able to empower that person. And the way to empower them is to be direct, to be clear, to be able to be clear in your communication about what is it that they are needing in that moment. For example, if you have a boss that, you know, all they want is for you to reduce the cost or for you to increment or increase sales, then you got to be clear that that, that's important to that person. And so for you to let them know that you heard them and that you validated it and that you're ready to, to produce action and results based on that request, then that's going to create a powerful relationship with a controller. So it's very important to, to know your, who you're, who you're listening to, to know the person that's speaking to you.
42:56 Lewis Howes? And I'll have a link back to the previous episodes, but the one with the four different quadrants of controller, promoter, analyzer, supporter. Definitely it's a must listen. If this is the first episode you've ever listened to on the School of Greatness podcast, go listen to that as your second episode because that is just so powerful and being able to understand the different types of personalities and how to listen to each one, like Chris is talking about with a controller right now. Again, if you're listening with ears of a controller with someone who's a supporter.
43:28 Chris Lee? Which I was gonna go into then, and if the person's a supporter, then you're gonna need to listen from a whole nother place. Because part of listening is knowing who your audience is and who it is that's speaking to you. So, learning how to read people. So, a supporter is coming from, or their needs or their desires are to please, to love, to be more loving, to be more, to create unity and, you know, that person needs to be listened to from that place of love and understanding, compassion, and knowing that that's what's motivating them. And when they're not, when they don't feel that, they feel frustrated.
44:10 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
44:11 Chris Lee? Just like a controller, they feel they're not being effective with the results, they get frustrated. And so, if you've got a supporter, a supporter is a person that comes from this gentle, loving, they put everybody first, they love people, and they wanna, you know, they will sacrifice for other people.
44:29 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
44:30 Chris Lee? And so, if you're listening to somebody who's a promoter, then you know that what they're, what's driving them is they wanna have fun, they want it to be exciting, they want it to be passionate, and you gotta be able to hear that person from that place to be able to make a difference for them, just like if you're here.
44:50 Lewis Howes? So, they feel heard.
44:52 Chris Lee? So, they feel heard.
44:52 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
44:53 Chris Lee? You know, it's, it, being a listener is just like being a leader, or it's a tool of leadership, and it's like being a leader with the quadrants. A leader with the quadrants needs to navigate through the quadrants to be able to be connected to those quadrants. So, obviously, part of what is necessary to be a powerful listener is to know what quadrant that person's operating from, so you could hear them. And so, if you've got a supporter, you know that the supporter, their quadrant's the love quadrant.
45:24 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
45:25 Chris Lee? And you gotta be able to hear that and know that if that's working, then they're happy, and if that's not working, they're not happy. And if you have a promoter, which is the fun quadrant.
45:37 Chris Lee? And the passionate quadrant, you know that a promoter has the place they operate from and you gotta, you know, support them and be able to listen to them from that place. And obviously, the fourth quadrant would be the analyzer and they come from a place of details and structure and organization. And if an analyzer feels that that's being threatened, then they won't feel like they're listened to.
45:59 Lewis Howes? They'll feel stressed out and yeah, this is so powerful. Make sure you go back and listen to that episode so you can understand exactly what Chris is saying here because you're going to want to be able to dive into that information so that this all makes sense. But the, you know, I am a promoter and I know Chris is promoter. So we, we listen from and speak from that, that place. So we have to be able to shift also as leaders when we're connecting with other people. And it's really important to take a moment. And I think when you are, when you first are grounded and the first thing is you're being open, then you can listen to and see where that person is coming from, to that context. So you gotta make sure that when you are listening, you gotta be grounded first so that you can know which quadrant they're in.
46:42 Chris Lee? So I just think that the, the, the most important thing or the most important element in terms of listening is to be able to suspend your own conversation, your inner dialogue.
46:59 Lewis Howes? What do you mean by that? Once, when you start thinking about what you want to say, suspend that?
47:04 Chris Lee? Well, okay. So do you know how there's always a conversation going on in your head?
47:08 Lewis Howes? Yes.
47:08 Chris Lee? So as you move through life and navigate through life, there's always that inner voice. And sometimes that inner voice is louder than any voice that's around you. So if your inner voice is going a mile a minute and someone's talking to you, you're not going to be able to hear them.
47:24 Lewis Howes? Hmm. So how do you surrender the inner voice?
47:27 Chris Lee? By focusing outward. You know, what you, what you focus towards your body and your mind, everything gravitates towards that. So the nature of thought that what you think about expands. So if I'm thinking about my inner voice, I'm thinking about my agenda and how hungry I am as you're talking to me, then all I'm going to be thinking about are cheeseburgers.
47:47 Lewis Howes? Right.
47:48 Chris Lee? And you could be telling me the key to success of my business and I'm thinking about how hungry I am.
47:53 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
47:53 Chris Lee? So I need to go, I need to acknowledge that voice, acknowledge, okay, I know I'm hungry. I know that's going on. I can't do anything about it right now. Let me focus out. So by acknowledging whatever is going on with you personally in that moment, then you're able to hear the other person's voice and be connected to them. And it's about showing interest. It's about really showing the other person how important they are to you. And I believe that if you apply these principles in the conversations that you're in, you're going to be able to create deeper conversations and then people are going to share different things. Sometimes people don't open up to you or to me because they don't feel safe, or they don't feel judged, or they feel like you're not interested.
48:39 Chris Lee? And there's nothing worse than speaking to a disinterested audience. You know, I've been in seminars where people are like yawning and you're looking at the ceiling and they're looking at their watch and, you know, it's really, it's really challenging.
48:55 Lewis Howes? And what do you do to captivate people or bring them back to the attention?
48:58 Chris Lee? Well, as a speaker, that's a whole different set of criterias and things and I, and I, I read into them and speak into whatever they're thinking. So I'll, I'll read to, I'll listen.
49:08 Lewis Howes? You don't want to be here.
49:09 Chris Lee? Well, as a speaker, this is good, a great question. So as a speaker, I'm listening to my audience, even though they're not saying a word. Why? Because communication is 70%, or listening is really 70%. The body language, the mood, the energy, the tone. And so if I'm looking at my audience and I'm going to read my audience, listen to my audience, and I see that the audience is bored, disconnected, or, or not wanting to be there, I get to address the elephant on the table.
49:39 Lewis Howes? To the entire audience.
49:40 Chris Lee? Yeah. So some of you, I can imagine, don't want to be here. Some of you feel forced to be here.
49:46 Lewis Howes? And now they start listening.
49:47 Chris Lee? And what happens is they start easing up because I'm speaking into their private conversations. And so being an effective listener requires also for you to be an effective speaker.
50:00 Chris Lee? You gotta be able to speak effectively and to be an effective speaker, you want to speak into people's listening. So by speaking into people's listening, I know it sounds a little complicated.
50:10 Lewis Howes? It's like inception.
50:11 Chris Lee? By speaking into people's listening, then I'm able to address and create a connection with my audience. That's why like in my seminars, there's a percentage as to that we measure as to how many people leave the seminar. I've got the highest retention rate than probably most people do.
50:30 Lewis Howes? Yeah, because you're speaking into.
50:32 Chris Lee? Like you know that you've seen how many people go to my seminar, how many people stay. I rarely lose, if I have 200 people, I'll lose five people.
50:39 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
50:40 Chris Lee? And there are.
50:40 Lewis Howes? Over five days.
50:41 Chris Lee? And there are seminar leaders that if they have 200 people, 30 leave.
50:45 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
50:46 Chris Lee? And the reason be I'm not saying I'm better than them. What I'm saying is in the first hour, I'm reading the room and I'm listening. And what am I listening for? They're listening.
50:57 Lewis Howes? Hmm.
50:58 Chris Lee? So I'm I'm keying into what they're listening to.
51:03 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
51:03 Chris Lee? And how they're listening. If they're listening from a defensive place, if they're listening from an open place, if they're listening from a controlling place, if they're listening from a promoter place, if they're listening from an analytical place, where they're listening from. And so by knowing what how people are listening to me, then I know how to communicate to them to address it.
51:24 Lewis Howes? Hmm.
51:25 Chris Lee? So listening is not just.
51:27 Lewis Howes? And you're being open.
51:28 Chris Lee? Right, and I'm wide open.
51:30 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
51:30 Chris Lee? So listening is not just me connecting to your message. It's also connecting to what you're not saying.
51:38 Lewis Howes? I mean, it's a it's a it's almost like a superpower that you have to have as a speaker. If you want to be an effective speaker that has a message land, because you have to remember and know what you want to get across verbally and express, but you also have to be in tune to what they're listening to.
51:56 Chris Lee? Yeah, and you don't really, it doesn't really need to be a superpower. You know, you could be a business owner and if you are connected to your employees, you'll be listening to them.
52:05 Lewis Howes? Yeah, exactly.
52:05 Chris Lee? And, and listening isn't just about the words they're saying.
52:09 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
52:10 Chris Lee? Listen to who is on your team. Listen to who is next to you. Who are you sleeping with? Listen to who they are, not just what they say. And by listening to who people are, then you could communicate to them in an effective way, and that bridges distances.
52:29 Lewis Howes? Hmm, yeah, I like that, that's powerful.
52:31 Chris Lee? Yeah.
52:33 Lewis Howes? Let me ask you a question that just came up for me. What would be more powerful for a leader to have? For them to be able to hear, but not be able to speak? Or be able to speak and not be able to hear?
52:46 Chris Lee? I would say...
52:48 Lewis Howes? If you couldn't listen to someone, but you could speak? Or if you couldn't speak, but you could listen?
52:54 Chris Lee? They could hear, not speak.
52:56 Lewis Howes? That would be more powerful?
52:57 Chris Lee? That'd be more powerful.
52:58 Lewis Howes? Hmm, why is that?
52:59 Chris Lee? Because more than 70% or if 70% of the message is not to do with the words. So if I'm able to hear you and really register, and to be able to generate with my being and my way of being and express even if I don't use words.
53:17 Lewis Howes? Physically, yeah, yeah.
53:18 Chris Lee? You know, because a lot of times, we communicate without words.
53:23 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
53:24 Chris Lee? And so, if I'm the kind of boss or business owner, or if I'm the kind of husband or wife, that I am able to express without words how I feel, and really create connections with my loved ones, then I'm gonna have a closer relationship. I think that we should practice that non-verbal communication and non-verbal listening. You know, just listening without using words, and communicating without using words, and just picking up cues from each other. And then validating it, because...
53:57 Lewis Howes? Without words.
53:58 Chris Lee? Yeah, without words. You know, this is something we could talk about for five hours.
54:01 Lewis Howes? Right.
54:02 Chris Lee? It's something that, it's just, it's something that...
54:04 Lewis Howes? I mean, people do workshops on this.
54:06 Chris Lee? We are two-day workshops on this.
54:08 Lewis Howes? Exactly.
54:09 Chris Lee? And, and, you know, I just wanna stress the importance of, people don't care what you know until they know how much you care.
54:16 Lewis Howes? That's so true, that's so true.
54:18 Chris Lee? And if people feel that you listen to them... That will increase your business 10, 15, 20% right off the bat.
54:26 Lewis Howes? Relationships, everything.
54:28 Chris Lee? Everything.
54:29 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
54:29 Chris Lee? Listening is truly the key to success in relationships and business.
54:34 Lewis Howes? How many more points do we have here? Was that number 10?
54:37 Chris Lee? I forgot.
54:39 Lewis Howes? Was there anything else included with listening, being an effective listener that you want to talk about?
54:45 Chris Lee? I would also say, listening to yourself. Listening to your heart, listening to your spirit, listening to your vision. Sometimes we pretend not to know things. Sometimes we mask our feelings, or we mask our emotions, or we mask what we want, or we pretend we don't want it, or we end up buying into other people's stories or other people's wants. And when we stop listening to ourselves, we become inauthentic. And I really want to communicate the power of listening to yourself and to be able to address your needs.
55:26 Chris Lee? Because the most important person in your life is you, the source of everything around you is you. And if you're able to truly connect to what your needs are and what's important for you, and listen to your heart, listen to your vision, then you're going to have a successful life.
55:47 Lewis Howes? I think that's huge because, you know, for many years, I was experiencing a lot of frustration and pain and resentment and anger, and it's because I wasn't listening to myself and being honest with myself. So I think that is so huge, and I'm really grateful you said that because I wasn't even thinking that as something you should listen to until you acknowledge that. So make sure you're listening to yourself because if, you know, you're not happy and you're not feeling heard because you're not, because you're not listening to yourself, then nothing's going to matter. Or it's going to be a struggle in your communication.
56:21 Chris Lee? And I think also that we need to get feedback about how we show up because a lot of people on this podcast that are listening are probably saying, oh, I'm really a good listener. But maybe, maybe you're a good listener based on your perception, but it really doesn't matter if you think you're a good listener. The people around you really don't get that you're a good listener. So I have a homework assignment for everyone listening to this podcast.
56:49 Lewis Howes? Yeah, a challenge.
56:49 Chris Lee? A challenge and I want feedback about this challenge. I really want you to take it on. I want you to communicate to five people and ask them, ask five people that are important to you in your life, whether they feel that you're an effective listener and to rate your listening on a scale of one to 10. So 10 is you are an awesome listener. You're the most generous, compassionate, open, you never interrupt. You're always connected to people. You establish eye contact or you show full interest. You're able to repeat back what you heard, the emotions and just you're there for them.
57:33 Chris Lee? That would be a 10. A one would be you're texting and doing your makeup and cooking at the same time that you're listening.
57:42 Lewis Howes? And not looking them in the eyes.
57:43 Chris Lee? And you're not connected and you forgot everything they said to you. And you're going, what? Can you say that again?
57:50 Lewis Howes? Right, right.
57:50 Chris Lee? So on a scale of one to 10, where people would rate you? And ask people that are honest with you. Find people that you know that they are the first ones not to sell out on you.
58:01 Lewis Howes? That's sure.
58:02 Chris Lee? And based on that feedback, use the feedback to make whatever corrections you need to make.
58:07 Lewis Howes? Yeah, and you're not telling people they need to be perfect all the time.
58:10 Chris Lee? No.
58:11 Lewis Howes? Because you know, there's always something happening and we may be in the middle of something and there may be a miscommunication because of whatever.
58:18 Chris Lee? So we're offering tools for people to strive towards.
58:20 Lewis Howes? Exactly. You don't need to beat yourself up if you're a six on everyone's radar.
58:24 Chris Lee? No.
58:25 Lewis Howes? But just look at his feedback. So you can say, okay, I see what's working, what's not working.
58:30 Chris Lee? And just so you know, the average person's a five.
58:32 Lewis Howes? Yeah. So if you got a six, you're pretty good.
58:34 Chris Lee? If you got six, you're good. But since we're not on this podcast for pretty good, we're on this podcast for extraordinary.
58:41 Lewis Howes? Exactly.
58:42 Chris Lee? And you get to be extraordinary listeners.
58:44 Lewis Howes? Exactly. Well, I want to wrap it up because I know we could talk for, for three days on this. Couple of questions left. One, this is what I've been asking everyone lately. What are you most grateful for, Chris? I know you've shared this constantly in the last episodes, but what are you most grateful for recently?
58:59 Chris Lee? Recently, I'm grateful for forgiveness. That's something that's present for me. And forgiveness is getting over being right and being committed to peace. And I always have a saying that when I forgive, I get my power back. And so I'm grateful for forgiveness and I invite people to forgive. That's another podcast.
59:19 Lewis Howes? The power of forgiveness will be the next one.
59:21 Chris Lee? Yeah, that's huge. Because there's a whole philosophy I have about forgiveness and I'm grateful for that. And I've had an opportunity to let go of something really big for myself. So I'm grateful to forgiveness.
59:33 Lewis Howes? Awesome. I can't wait to hear about that after this. Two final things. One, first is I get to acknowledge you because I love acknowledging you and thank you for showing up today. Thank you for being here and I acknowledge you for the constant source of valuable experience and wisdom that you always provide for me and for this podcast and for the listeners. Because you're a gift and it just means a lot to everyone who comes on. They're so excited that you're back. So I acknowledge you for the wisdom you bring.
1:00:04 Chris Lee? Thank you so much.
1:00:05 Lewis Howes? Yes. So final question, I think you've answered this four times now. It's what's your definition of greatness?
1:00:11 Chris Lee? My definition of greatness is to be able to dream, declare, and deliver.
1:00:22 Lewis Howes? Drop the mic. Chris Lee is back. Thank you so much for coming on, Chris. You're the man. I appreciate you.
1:00:27 Chris Lee? Thank you. Bye bye.
1:00:32 Lewis Howes? There you have it guys. I hope you enjoyed this episode on the art of listening and how powerful your life will be when you learn to connect with people in an intimate way by listening to them and by listening to what they're not saying specifically. If you go to LewisHowes.com/137, you can get all the show notes and links back to this episode, what Chris talked about, the exercises. Again, make sure to check out LewisHowes.com/137. Please share this with a friend if you enjoyed this, if you thought it was powerful and impacted you. Make sure to email a friend and say, "Hey, check out this interview on the art of
1:01:10 Lewis Howes? listening over at LewisHowes.com/137." Also, make sure to tweet at Chris Motivador. We'll have that linked up over on the show notes as well. Chris Motivador is Chris's Twitter. He's over on Facebook and Instagram also, so you can check him out there. Make sure you let him know if you enjoyed this episode, what you enjoyed the most about this, and thank him for coming back on so we can keep getting him back on the School of Greatness podcast, because we've got a lot more to share with him. Thank you guys again so much for coming on. You know what time it is. It's time to go out there and do something great.
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