Jenna Fischer asks about irrational fears

The hilarious Jenna Fischer (The Office) asks Handsome to spill about their weirdest fears-- and shares one of her own that'll have you saying "yeah, ghost!" Plus Fortune shows off a furry friend, the summer of '69, Tig's new spacesuit, and more! And if you missed our live show, watch the replay for a limited time only! https://www.squadup.com/events/livestream-access-handsome-holibobs-extravaganza Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.com http://handsomepod.com/Watch Handsome on YouTube http://youtube.com/@handsomepodThis is a Headgum https://headgum.com/ podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter https://x.com/headgum, Instagram https://www.instagram.com/headgum/, and Tiktok https://www.tiktok.com/@headgum. Advertise on Handsome https://gumball.fm/shows/handsome via Gumball.fm http://gumball.fm/. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  This is a HeadGum Podcast.

• 0:04Mae Martin?

  Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking whether I brought my sunglasses before driving west at the end of the day? A learning moment. I'm gaining confidence in my driving, but it helps when I'm not blinded by the sun beaming directly into my eyeballs.

• 0:17Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, checking first is handsome, so check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 0:34Mae Martin?

  Handsome is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-in-one platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online with a handy, handsome website you can be proud of and show off to all your friends, clients, and loved ones. With Squarespace, you can scale up your business, claim your domain, and showcase your offerings with a premium, professional website.

• 0:53Fortune Feimster?

  With Squarespace's cutting-edge design tools, you can build a gorgeous online presence that perfectly fits your brand or business. Their SEO tools help your ideal audience find you. Since every dream needs a domain, Squarespace makes it easy to find the best name for your business at one fair, all-inclusive price. No hidden fees, no required add-ons. Squarespace offers countless extras like built-in donation tools for fundraising, and online payments and invoicing to help you get paid on time. Squarespace makes it easy. So easy, we even made a handsome website ourselves in less than 20 minutes.

• 1:25Mae Martin?

  So what are you waiting for? Get started on your dream website today. Head to Squarespace.com/handsome for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code HANSSOME to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Handsome Pod. Cheers. Welcome to the Handsome Pod. I'm Fortune Feimster.

• 1:53Tig Notaro?

  And I'm Tig Notaro. What's up, you guys?

• 1:56Fortune Feimster?

  We're coming to you guys the night before New Year's effing Eve.

• 2:06Mae Martin?

  And we are buzzing.

• 2:09Fortune Feimster?

  We're buzzing. It's the end of a freaking year.

• 2:15Tig Notaro?

  Oh my God, girl. Girl. We have just gone straight into girl. Girl.

• 2:24Mae Martin?

  What an insane year it's been. It's been legit crazy.

• 2:30Fortune Feimster?

  It's been so effing insane. We're gonna just like talk, we're just gonna unload and talk about it just like this in this voice.

• 2:39Tig Notaro?

  Oh my God, but like, why are you putting so many effens in there?

• 2:43Fortune Feimster?

  Cause it's how I effing talk, geez.

• 2:46Tig Notaro?

  Oh my gosh, F girl.

• 2:48Fortune Feimster?

  Alright, I won't do that. I won't do that.

• 2:50Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I can't do it anymore either. Why not, bro?

• 2:52Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, I can't do it anymore. It hurts my head. It's putting way too much effort into talking and you know, I like minimal effort. Do you guys wanna see who's joined us for our last pod of this year?

• 3:06Tig Notaro?

  Five guesses? Yeah, five guesses.

• 3:08Fortune Feimster?

  Okay.

• 3:10Tig Notaro?

  Is it?

• 3:11Fortune Feimster?

  Wait, five is a lot of guesses.

• 3:13Tig Notaro?

  Well, we don't know for sure who could be sleeping in a little basket next to you.

• 3:19Fortune Feimster?

  It feels like you only need one guess.

• 3:21Tig Notaro?

  Is it Reese Witherspoon all filled up? Oh my God, Fortune, is it Reese?

• 3:28Fortune Feimster?

  It's, if Reese just popped out, did the bend and snap? No, it's not Reese, but that would be delightful.

• 3:34Tig Notaro?

  Is it, um, is it Thomas?

• 3:38Fortune Feimster?

  Thomas is in here, but not laying on my office desk.

• 3:44Tig Notaro?

  I didn't know if you guys were like playing some sort of trick, you know?

• 3:48Fortune Feimster?

  That would be fun.

• 3:49Tig Notaro?

  Okay, so it's not Reese Witherspoon and it's not Thomas. That's sort of the only two people. Yeah, that's the only.

• 3:55Fortune Feimster?

  Those are the only possible options are definitely Reese Witherspoon or Thomas.

• 4:00Tig Notaro?

  Is it?

• 4:01Mae Martin?

  Cher.

• 4:03Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, if I can turn back time. If I can find the way.

• 4:11Tig Notaro?

  Okay, I don't think it is because I don't think Fortune would go in with such confidence with Cher.

• 4:18Mae Martin?

  In the room.

• 4:18Fortune Feimster?

  I would love for Cher to be here. Counting down the new, you should have Cher counting down the New Year's clock.

• 4:25Tig Notaro?

  Is it Chaz Bono?

• 4:26Fortune Feimster?

  It is not.

• 4:28Tig Notaro?

  Oh, oh my God.

• 4:29Fortune Feimster?

  It's not Chaz.

• 4:30Tig Notaro?

  Okay.

• 4:30Fortune Feimster?

  How many guesses is this? I think that's four. You got one more guess.

• 4:34Mae Martin?

  Oh shit. Okay, Tig, we gotta get serious.

• 4:37Tig Notaro?

  Oh, I know who it is. I know who it is. Who? Is it Martin Short?

• 4:45Fortune Feimster?

  He would fit in this little basket.

• 4:47Tig Notaro?

  Is it Fortune? Is it Martin Short? May, do you feel like it's Martin Short?

• 4:51Mae Martin?

  I feel like it's Martin Short in character as Ed Grimley.

• 4:55Tig Notaro?

  Oh, and you were right. It's Martin Short as Ed Grimley. Oh my God.

• 5:02Fortune Feimster?

  It's Biggie.

• 5:04Mae Martin?

  It's Biggie.

• 5:05Tig Notaro?

  Biggie.

• 5:05Fortune Feimster?

  He wanted to come say hi at the end of this year.

• 5:09Tig Notaro?

  Look at his eyes. Look at his.

• 5:11Fortune Feimster?

  Look at his eyes.

• 5:13Tig Notaro?

  Look at all that he's saying with his eyes.

• 5:16Fortune Feimster?

  Baby bear.

• 5:17Mae Martin?

  He looks sleepy today.

• 5:20Fortune Feimster?

  Well, he's not, he actually, you guys.

• 5:23Tig Notaro?

  What?

• 5:24Fortune Feimster?

  He has been staying with me for a couple of weeks because he is from a broken home. And.

• 5:30Tig Notaro?

  Why is that the dumbest thing every time you say it? It's so dumb.

• 5:36Fortune Feimster?

  He's been staying with me and he has been horny AF.

• 5:40Tig Notaro?

  Fortune!

• 5:42Fortune Feimster?

  I don't know how to tell you that. He has, he has a pep in his step because when I got him, I was like, oh, he was like wheezing a little bit in the beginning. And I was like, oh, he's like getting old. And then this guy has, I don't know if he just missed LA or what was happening. He turned a corner where he was full of spunk and just humping.

• 6:07Tig Notaro?

  Full of spunk. Funk?

• 6:09Fortune Feimster?

  Full, well, that doesn't sound right. Yeah. Just full of energy and he has been bouncing off the walls, playing with his toys. He's just been like so full of life and humping my elbow and humping.

• 6:24Tig Notaro?

  Wait, what? Your elbow? So you're involved in this?

• 6:27Fortune Feimster?

  I don't wanna be, but he's just, and he's humping my, my leg and.

• 6:33Tig Notaro?

  Has this never happened?

• 6:35Fortune Feimster?

  He's done it in the past, but, and, and then, uh, and then some friends came over and then he was humping their legs.

• 6:42Mae Martin?

  Oh my God. He is, how is he like Hugh Hefner? Cause he's like in his eighties and human years, right?

• 6:49Tig Notaro?

  Do you feel like you need to put him up for adoption?

• 6:52Fortune Feimster?

  No, never. Tig, how dare, he didn't mean that.

• 6:58Tig Notaro?

  Can you imagine?

• 7:00Mae Martin?

  There would be an outcry and there would be a lineup around the block of people wanting.

• 7:05Tig Notaro?

  I'd take him.

• 7:06Fortune Feimster?

  He's not going anywhere, but he is horny AF.

• 7:09Mae Martin?

  But listen, I miss LA.

• 7:11Tig Notaro?

  Are you projecting through your dog?

• 7:16Tig Notaro?

  Cause I, my, my old girlfriend, her grandmother used to talk through her dog.

• 7:21Mae Martin?

  I love when people do that passive aggressively.

• 7:24Tig Notaro?

  Uh, not even passive aggress.

• 7:26Fortune Feimster?

  What does that mean?

• 7:27Tig Notaro?

  Well, like her, we would go visit her grandmother and her dog, whose name was Lil. Would be just, was like five million years old and would be lying in front of the TV. And her grandmother would be like, well, Lil sure has not been enjoying all this construction in the neighborhood.

• 7:49Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, I see.

• 7:50Tig Notaro?

  Or she'd be like, you know, Lil sure wishes the construction would end before five every day. You know, and it's like, really grandma? Is that what Lil thinks?

• 8:02Mae Martin?

  I like when it's a little passive aggressive, like Lil says it's, why is the radiator turned up so high in here?

• 8:10Tig Notaro?

  Yes, that, well, that's exactly what it was. But I was just wondering, is that what you're doing for it?

• 8:17Fortune Feimster?

  I mean, no, it's all, it's all him. It's, he's.

• 8:21Tig Notaro?

  Takes two to tango.

• 8:23Fortune Feimster?

  Well.

• 8:24Mae Martin?

  I used to date someone who had a little Bichon Frise.

• 8:27Fortune Feimster?

  Bichon?

• 8:28Mae Martin?

  Bichon Frise.

• 8:30Fortune Feimster?

  A Bichon what?

• 8:32Mae Martin?

  Isn't that how you, how you say it?

• 8:33Fortune Feimster?

  Bichon.

• 8:35Mae Martin?

  Did I say it like?

• 8:36Fortune Feimster?

  No, I, I just put a little something extra on it. A Bichon Frise? Bichon?

• 8:43Mae Martin?

  She used to, but this was a female dog that used to hump my ex a lot. And then, and then she would like let her do it to completion. And I, she was like, she was like, you gotta let her do it or she won't stop. And I was like, I don't think that's good. I think you've got to stop, put a stop to it.

• 8:59Fortune Feimster?

  Oh yeah, we put a stop to it around, around this house. He, and also he's not completing anything. He is still old, so.

• 9:07Mae Martin?

  He's far in blanks.

• 9:09Tig Notaro?

  It's an incomplete hump?

• 9:10Fortune Feimster?

  It's a couple humps and then he's done. Um, so, but yeah, and when, but when he started humping my friends as well, I was like, oh man, this, this guy is Hugh Hefner. He has gotten old and gotten horny.

• 9:27Mae Martin?

  Yeah, in a way it's like, there's vitality in that that I like. Like I'm, I'm happy that he's, you know?

• 9:34Fortune Feimster?

  What's Tig's face doing?

• 9:35Mae Martin?

  Extreme disappointment.

• 9:40Fortune Feimster?

  Okay, fine, we won't talk about Biggie's, um, situation anymore. But the good news is he is, even though he's getting older, he's still very spry. This is all good.

• 9:52Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 9:53Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 9:54Mae Martin?

  This is great.

• 9:55Fortune Feimster?

  It's great, you guys.

• 9:56Tig Notaro?

  This is really good news.

• 9:57Fortune Feimster?

  Anywho, what's going on with y'all?

• 10:02Tig Notaro?

  Well, I mean, the new year is upon us.

• 10:07Fortune Feimster?

  Yes, it is.

• 10:09Mae Martin?

  Get me out of this year.

• 10:11Tig Notaro?

  You ready to get out of this year?

• 10:13Fortune Feimster?

  Oh yeah, we're done. We're done here.

• 10:16Mae Martin?

  It's been the, the year of the snake, a lot of shedding and, uh, I'm ready, I'm ready for the year of the horse.

• 10:24Tig Notaro?

  Okay, what does the year of the horse do?

• 10:26Mae Martin?

  It's like, I guess big dick like a horse and, and, uh,

• 10:31Tig Notaro?

  What is happening to our podcast?

• 10:34Fortune Feimster?

  We're not gonna get a May Marie in here? May Marie?

• 10:38Tig Notaro?

  We're gonna lose all of our like. Four-year-old listeners.

• 10:42Fortune Feimster?

  Our Christian listeners.

• 10:44Tig Notaro?

  Our Christian listeners.

• 10:45Fortune Feimster?

  Turn it off.

• 10:46Tig Notaro?

  And our preschool listeners.

• 10:48Mae Martin?

  Yeah, no, I think it's like forward motion, galloping into the future.

• 10:53Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 10:53Mae Martin?

  Powerful, solid, earthy.

• 10:56Tig Notaro?

  Uh huh. I like that.

• 10:58Fortune Feimster?

  I agree that this year should, should, we should leave it behind.

• 11:03Tig Notaro?

  I feel like that happens at the end of every year. People are like, "Goodbye 2020, 2020, 2021, 2020, 22."

• 11:14Fortune Feimster?

  I don't always feel like that. I'm, I'm always, I'm usually fairly hopeful, but this one was, my last year didn't start off, my last year started off terribly.

• 11:26Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 11:26Fortune Feimster?

  And then half of LA caught on fire.

• 11:28Tig Notaro?

  Right.

• 11:29Mae Martin?

  It's been fucking insane.

• 11:30Tig Notaro?

  We don't, we don't need a recap of hell.

• 11:32Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, okay. You don't want me to go through the bullet points?

• 11:35Mae Martin?

  But you're right. It's rare, though, that people are like, "Oh, I don't want this year to end."

• 11:39Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 11:40Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. Everyone's very excited for the new year, it seems, always.

• 11:45Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 11:46Fortune Feimster?

  I am pumped for 2026.

• 11:48Mae Martin?

  I wonder who Biggie's gonna hump at midnight.

• 11:51Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, I won't be with him, so it'll, who, who knows?

• 11:55Tig Notaro?

  Okay.

• 11:56Mae Martin?

  Who he'll be humping.

• 11:57Fortune Feimster?

  I'm gonna be in Seattle doing a comedy show, but the little baby bear won't be there.

• 12:02Tig Notaro?

  Oh. Well, I, um, I'll tell you what, I'm excited for, uh, January because as I was talking to Fortune before the show, our documentary got on the shortlist for the Oscars.

• 12:15Mae Martin?

  Stop it. Of course.

• 12:16Fortune Feimster?

  Very exciting.

• 12:17Mae Martin?

  Did we not, Fortune and I were like, "It's gonna happen."

• 12:20Tig Notaro?

  Well, we haven't gotten the nomination.

• 12:22Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 12:22Tig Notaro?

  It's just the shortlist where they whittle it down to who will absolutely, you know, five movies out of this 12 or whatever get nominated.

• 12:33Mae Martin?

  Oh my god.

• 12:34Fortune Feimster?

  Exciting.

• 12:35Tig Notaro?

  It's a hard, hard nomination to get. Um, I want it, of course. I think it would be like the craziest thing, as I was saying to Fortune, like, to hand to Meg and Andrea, uh, on a silver platter. Um, but

• 12:52Mae Martin?

  You're gonna get it.

• 12:53Tig Notaro?

  There's a lot of nuance to the, to the nominations and I can see

• 13:00Tig Notaro?

  A way to get it, and I see many ways of not getting it.

• 13:05Mae Martin?

  What's the way to get it to like woo the jurors? You gotta send some

• 13:12Fortune Feimster?

  Blowjobs?

• 13:12Mae Martin?

  Flowers and cakes?

• 13:14Fortune Feimster?

  A lot of blowjobs?

• 13:15Tig Notaro?

  It's all about flowers and cakes at this point.

• 13:18Fortune Feimster?

  What about them, what about them blowjobs?

• 13:21Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 13:21Tig Notaro?

  Fortune Marie.

• 13:23Mae Martin?

  Wait, I have a joke. I have a joke.

• 13:25Tig Notaro?

  Let's hear it.

• 13:26Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, yeah.

• 13:26Mae Martin?

  Okay, so a guy walks into a bar.

• 13:29Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 13:29Mae Martin?

  There's a beautiful bartender there, like really sort of classy, beautiful, sort of old school. Anyway, there's a sign above the bar that says grilled cheese sandwiches, $5, blowjobs. No, sorry, I got it wrong.

• 13:46Fortune Feimster?

  Yep, no, that's not what we want.

• 13:48Tig Notaro?

  Hey, hey, hey, leave it to the professional comedian. Go on.

• 13:52Mae Martin?

  Grilled cheese sandwiches, $5, handjobs, $10. So this guy says, "Excuse me, can I just ask you, is it you personally who gives the handjobs?" And she says, "Well, yes, actually it is." And he says, "Then wash your hands, because I want a grilled cheese."

• 14:11Mae Martin?

  Anyway, okay, someone told me that on Sunday. Wow, that really, I don't think I told it right.

• 14:17Fortune Feimster?

  Because he wants a sandwich and a handjob.

• 14:22Mae Martin?

  No, he wants her to wash her hands because she's been given all these handjobs.

• 14:26Tig Notaro?

  He wants a sandwich.

• 14:28Mae Martin?

  He just wants a sandwich.

• 14:29Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, I thought he wanted both.

• 14:31Tig Notaro?

  Oh, I got it.

• 14:32Fortune Feimster?

  Because I was like, 5 plus 10 equals 15.

• 14:35Mae Martin?

  You were doing math?

• 14:36Fortune Feimster?

  I think the $15 grilled cheese threw me off in the beginning.

• 14:40Tig Notaro?

  Well, I didn't put any math in it. I just thought this guy wants a grilled cheese sandwich.

• 14:44Fortune Feimster?

  Didn't you say in the beginning when you messed up, there was a $15 grilled cheese?

• 14:47Mae Martin?

  No, Fortune.

• 14:48Fortune Feimster?

  I swear.

• 14:50Mae Martin?

  $5 grilled cheese.

• 14:51Tig Notaro?

  Fortune, you need to focus, okay? You're starting to sound like me.

• 14:56Fortune Feimster?

  So wash your hands, because I'm gonna need a grilled cheese.

• 15:00Mae Martin?

  Yeah, so he was only asking if she gave the handjobs because he wanted, he was worried about the jurors.

• 15:05Fortune Feimster?

  I get it, I get it now.

• 15:06Tig Notaro?

  Can we go back to Fortune? Can you deliver us the punchline one more time?

• 15:11Fortune Feimster?

  Me?

• 15:12Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 15:12Fortune Feimster?

  Why me?

• 15:13Tig Notaro?

  I don't know. I just want to hear it again.

• 15:15Fortune Feimster?

  Okay, um, are you the one, ma'am? Because you want to be polite. Ma'am?

• 15:22Mae Martin?

  Yes.

• 15:22Fortune Feimster?

  Are you the one giving the hand jobs?

• 15:26Mae Martin?

  Why, yes, actually, I am. Why are we doing an act out now?

• 15:28Fortune Feimster?

  Then you better get out that Dial soap. Because this is an ad.

• 15:36Tig Notaro?

  Are we sponsored by Dial?

• 15:38Fortune Feimster?

  For this bit, we are. You better get out that Dial soap and scrub those dirty ass hands. That has all that stuff on it from all those hand jobs. And I, because I'm gonna want to grill cheese.

• 15:55Tig Notaro?

  Why did I ask Fortune to do that?

• 15:58Mae Martin?

  I don't know, but I liked it. I'm glad you did. I'm really glad you did.

• 16:02Tig Notaro?

  I didn't like it as much as I-

• 16:03Fortune Feimster?

  And wait, how, and how much was that sandwich?

• 16:06Mae Martin?

  The price was-

• 16:07Tig Notaro?

  Fifteen dollars.

• 16:08Mae Martin?

  Listen, I-

• 16:09Fortune Feimster?

  How much was the sandwich? Five? It was cheaper than the handjob, right?

• 16:13Mae Martin?

  The handjob was ten dollars. The girl's job was five. Oh, my Lord.

• 16:17Fortune Feimster?

  And, and I'm gonna throw in, uh, on top of that five, two extra dollars for an, for you to clean extra.

• 16:26Tig Notaro?

  And I'm gonna throw in a pickle and two Cheetos.

• 16:29Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 16:30Tig Notaro?

  Or Doritos. Is that what you put on the side?

• 16:32Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 16:33Fortune Feimster?

  Two Doritos. Um, should I tell, should I tell jokes for a living?

• 16:38Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I think you could, I think you could do pretty well.

• 16:41Fortune Feimster?

  Okay.

• 16:41Tig Notaro?

  Let's hear one.

• 16:42Mae Martin?

  Because you add a lot of words and a lot of backstory.

• 16:45Fortune Feimster?

  What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

• 16:49Tig Notaro?

  Oh, you've told this many times, but not burping in the middle of it.

• 16:54Mae Martin?

  Yeah, that was crazy. That was crazy.

• 16:59Fortune Feimster?

  What's the difference between beer nuts? One's a dollar fifty and the other one's under a buck.

• 17:07Tig Notaro?

  Yes, you heard that one.

• 17:09Mae Martin?

  That's good.

• 17:10Tig Notaro?

  You love that one.

• 17:11Fortune Feimster?

  I love that one.

• 17:12Tig Notaro?

  Oh, you love it.

• 17:13Fortune Feimster?

  Biggie just perked up. He loved it too.

• 17:16Tig Notaro?

  Oh, Biggie.

• 17:22Mae Martin?

  So these three guys and they get captured

• 17:26Fortune Feimster?

  This sounds intense.

• 17:26Mae Martin?

  By this Spanish Inquisition, let's say. I don't know. And they say, "We're gonna kill you and we're gonna skin you and we're gonna turn you into canoes." And they're like, "Oh, no." I think it's an, I got told this on Sunday as well. I think it's an Irish man, a British man and a Scottish man. Anyway, the Scottish man says, and they said, "But guess what? You get to choose how you want to die." So the Scottish man says, "Bring me some poison." And so they bring him poison, he eats the poison. And the British man says, "Bring me my pistol." And they bring him a pistol and he shoots himself. Then the Irish man says, "Bring me a fork." And they say, "Oh, okay." And they bring him a fork and he just starts stabbing himself. He says, "You'll not make a canoe out of me."

• 18:12Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, I get it, because of holes.

• 18:14Mae Martin?

  He's putting holes in himself. Listen, I did this charity, it was a fundraiser on Sunday. And it's a really chaotic atmosphere and full of love and joy. But it's like, the charity helps musicians who struggle with mental health and addiction problems to have their music produced and performed. So all the performers there are these very vibrant and eccentric people. And they all had jokes for me. So these are the jokes that they told me. And I'm telling them much worse than they told me. But, and some of them cannot be repeated, the jokes. But it was such a nice evening in memory of my friend and it was good.

• 18:54Fortune Feimster?

  I enjoy these.

• 18:55Mae Martin?

  And you're in Toronto, Tig, just for a couple of days?

• 18:58Tig Notaro?

  Yes, I got in last night. Had my fitting, I have rehearsal, I film tomorrow and then I fly away.

• 19:08Fortune Feimster?

  Fly away.

• 19:09Mae Martin?

  But don't you, aren't you always wearing this, like a Star Trek, uniform?

• 19:14Tig Notaro?

  Yes, I know, it's a real mystery. But the material that my spacesuit is made out of gets stretched. And they have to make new ones all the time because of the weird material.

• 19:31Tig Notaro?

  And then sometimes there's like...

• 19:34Tig Notaro?

  You know, an explosion and then there's, you know, the suits ablaze.

• 19:41Tig Notaro?

  But it's, it's way better than the amount of wardrobe fittings that happen on other TV shows or movies, you know. Yeah.

• 19:49Fortune Feimster?

  It's the same thing.

• 19:50Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 19:51Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 19:52Mae Martin?

  That's smart, actually.

• 19:53Fortune Feimster?

  I know, I have a, I have a three hour costume fitting tomorrow.

• 19:57Mae Martin?

  You do?

• 19:58Fortune Feimster?

  For this new movie I'm gonna be filming.

• 20:02Tig Notaro?

  That's like, wardrobe is, I mean.

• 20:05Fortune Feimster?

  Like, three hours of trying on clothes.

• 20:07Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 20:08Mae Martin?

  But are you guys like me, like you, it's kind of almost emotional wardrobe fittings? Like, I get like a lump in my throat sometimes, because I, if it's really feminine clothes that they wanna put me in, or like.

• 20:20Tig Notaro?

  Why would they put you in real feminine clothes? What show would do that?

• 20:24Fortune Feimster?

  And you can tell them that you don't wear that.

• 20:27Mae Martin?

  I do, every time. And then I get there every time and they go, "Yeah, we got a bunch of just plain t-shirts," but they're like, V-neck or like, deep V, like, women's t-shirts. And I'm like, "I know to you, these seem like just neutral t-shirts, but to me, it, I'm in hell."

• 20:42Tig Notaro?

  Oh, interesting.

• 20:44Mae Martin?

  But do you get like that, like, kind of depressed during wardrobe fittings? Because putting on clothes that don't look good, even if you know you're not gonna be forced to wear them, you're gonna, just trying on a bunch of stuff is really.

• 20:57Fortune Feimster?

  I don't get depressed.

• 20:59Tig Notaro?

  I find it so, like, exhausting, trying on new outfit and then like, "Oh, I like that green shirt, let's pull that and put that with, pair that with the black pants." And then, "Ooh, let's put the," you know, it's just all of that kind of stuff. I, it doesn't, I'm not some, I don't like to shop. And so it kind of feels like shopping to me.

• 21:20Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 21:21Tig Notaro?

  But yeah, I think more than anything, like, if I. Go through the racks of clothes. I'll just be like, oh, my God, I'd never wear that. I would never wear that. And I just zip past it.

• 21:34Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 21:34Tig Notaro?

  I see why, like, if, if there's more deeper, if there's deeper gender stuff attached to it.

• 21:42Mae Martin?

  Also, you're just like, you're putting stuff on and then two or three people are just standing there looking at you going,

• 21:50Mae Martin?

  no, that looks terrible. Yeah.

• 21:53Tig Notaro?

  Sounds like you need a new wardrobe person on your production.

• 21:58Fortune Feimster?

  I, I only know if I don't like something, but, so I'll, I'll have like a strong no if I don't like it. But other than that, they're like, what do you think? I'm like, I don't care. What, do you like it? If you like it, we're good.

• 22:11Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 22:12Fortune Feimster?

  So, yeah, I, it's more of a hassle than anything.

• 22:16Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I think, I think to avoid putting things on that I'm not comfortable with or that don't speak to me. I mean, I'm sure you do this too, but I just flip through the rack and I'm like, never, never, never, never, never. Yes, yes, yes, never, never, yes, yes. Do you do that?

• 22:34Mae Martin?

  That's a good. I need to be better at being like, I, I know I'm not gonna wear that, so I'm not gonna try it on. I often, you're probably good at photo shoots too. You know, when they go, yeah, we're not gonna use this one, but just do something wacky for, hold this rubber chicken and jump in the air.

• 22:50Tig Notaro?

  No, no.

• 22:51Mae Martin?

  We won't even use it. Just give it a go. Like, you just don't do it, right? Yeah, see, I'll be like, okay, I guess. And then that's the one they use.

• 22:59Tig Notaro?

  No, no.

• 23:01Fortune Feimster?

  Take with a rubber chicken.

• 23:03Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my gosh, no.

• 23:04Fortune Feimster?

  I don't wanna see that.

• 23:06Tig Notaro?

  I cannot do those things.

• 23:08Mae Martin?

  We just wanna do handsome portraits.

• 23:10Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 23:11Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, we just wanna throw a mustache on my face. Get someone in a suit.

• 23:16Fortune Feimster?

  We haven't taken pictures of ourselves in suits in a long time.

• 23:20Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, well.

• 23:21Mae Martin?

  I think we, we will, maybe.

• 23:23Tig Notaro?

  Maybe have to do that coming up.

• 23:25Fortune Feimster?

  We will. We had that, we had that Holly Bob show, which was so fun.

• 23:30Tig Notaro?

  That was a grand old time. Can people still get tickets? Can they still watch that or?

• 23:37Fortune Feimster?

  You know what? Maybe we'll tell them, maybe we'll tell Dynasty Typewriter to leave the link up through, what, January 2nd?

• 23:47Mae Martin?

  I think so.

• 23:48Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, let's do that.

• 23:49Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, let's do that.

• 23:51Fortune Feimster?

  So if people wanna watch it over tonight and the next couple of days, they can still watch our Holly Bob show.

• 23:58Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I had a good idea to do that.

• 24:00Fortune Feimster?

  Our third, that was our third annual.

• 24:04Tig Notaro?

  I know.

• 24:05Mae Martin?

  Oh, God, I love a tradition. It makes, it makes life make sense, a little tradition.

• 24:10Fortune Feimster?

  And we're not gonna tell anybody what happened, because we want them to be surprised.

• 24:13Tig Notaro?

  That's right, because you are not gonna believe what happened.

• 24:17Fortune Feimster?

  What happened?

• 24:18Tig Notaro?

  Do you think there's gonna be a fourth Holly Bob?

• 24:22Fortune Feimster?

  Hopefully.

• 24:23Tig Notaro?

  I don't think.

• 24:24Fortune Feimster?

  We pulled this one, we pulled this one out last minute. It was, our schedules like weirdly aligned at the last minute, because I was originally supposed to be out of town.

• 24:33Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 24:33Fortune Feimster?

  And then at the last minute, I was like, actually, I flew back to LA just to do that show.

• 24:39Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 24:41Fortune Feimster?

  So.

• 24:42Mae Martin?

  I'm always, I thought the podcast wasn't gonna, wasn't gonna go past the first April, remember?

• 24:47Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 24:48Mae Martin?

  I'm always delighted.

• 24:50Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, it's a real surprise each April that comes around. It's like, well, here we are again.

• 24:56Fortune Feimster?

  So what are we, two, we're a little over two years, two?

• 24:59Mae Martin?

  Isn't it more than that?

• 25:00Fortune Feimster?

  Two and a half, two and a half, two and a half.

• 25:03Tig Notaro?

  Jesus, feels so much longer.

• 25:06Mae Martin?

  I know. I have lived a thousand lives in that time. I became a father that I, that I wasn't.

• 25:15Fortune Feimster?

  I know.

• 25:15Mae Martin?

  Oh, my Lord.

• 25:16Fortune Feimster?

  Things have changed. I used to be married.

• 25:18Mae Martin?

  Yeah, it's crazy. We've made shows and movies.

• 25:23Tig Notaro?

  Now Biggie comes from a broken home.

• 25:26Fortune Feimster?

  He's from a broken home.

• 25:27Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 25:27Fortune Feimster?

  I will toot, I will toot our horn for, uh, for just a minute, we're about to cross 50 million downloads on this podcast.

• 25:40Tig Notaro?

  That's a lot.

• 25:41Fortune Feimster?

  In two and a half years, I'd say that's pretty incredible.

• 25:44Tig Notaro?

  I still can't believe how many people listen to this podcast.

• 25:50Mae Martin?

  I know.

• 25:51Tig Notaro?

  I'm like, what, you too?

• 25:52Mae Martin?

  I know.

• 25:53Tig Notaro?

  It's so nice.

• 25:55Mae Martin?

  This is like one of the most successful long-term relationships I've had.

• 25:59Tig Notaro?

  I know.

• 25:59Mae Martin?

  It's a throuple with a quadruple.

• 26:04Mae Martin?

  And we all get along. We've never come to blows.

• 26:06Tig Notaro?

  Mm-hmm.

• 26:07Mae Martin?

  It's remarkable.

• 26:08Tig Notaro?

  It always surprises me the different type of people that come up to me. Like, it's not one

• 26:16Mae Martin?

  No.

• 26:16Tig Notaro?

  type of listener.

• 26:17Mae Martin?

  No.

• 26:19Tig Notaro?

  It's, and from all different age groups.

• 26:21Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 26:24Mae Martin?

  At the charity show in Toronto on Sunday, actually, it was in my backpack, so I have it. This woman came with her husband and gave me this, this letter that's all about handsome. And then in it, she gave me, she has organized all of the Toronto escape rooms onto a chart.

• 26:41Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my gosh.

• 26:43Mae Martin?

  She made a really detailed chart and it's like, and she put the difficulty and the, so I'm gonna do some escape rooms with my parents while I'm here.

• 26:53Tig Notaro?

  Your parents do that?

• 26:55Mae Martin?

  They've done two with me in Ireland once and it was really tense because they couldn't understand that they were on the same team and that we're all just trying to get out of the room. And they were so competitive and sort of keeping their clues to themselves, but they're into it, so we're gonna do it.

• 27:11Tig Notaro?

  Well, that's cool. That's a, would your brother join you?

• 27:15Mae Martin?

  He would, but he's like, he's like too smart for it almost. Like, he, he's a bit like, sometimes you take with the would you rather where you're like, but why are we doing that? Like, he, I think he would be like, but I can just press the exit button and get out of the room. I'll just press the emergency exit button.

• 27:32Tig Notaro?

  Are you saying I'm a big bummer?

• 27:35Mae Martin?

  No, not at all. You're a bubbly.

• 27:37Tig Notaro?

  No, it's fine if you're, if you're saying that. I can, you know, if you, if you're ready to ask the question, you're ready to hear the truth. So, am I a big bummer?

• 27:46Mae Martin?

  No, you're the, you're a light in our lives.

• 27:49Tig Notaro?

  That's right. Fortune, am I a big?

• 27:52Fortune Feimster?

  Light of my life.

• 27:58Mae Martin?

  I don't know.

• 28:01Tig Notaro?

  You light up my life?

• 28:02Fortune Feimster?

  You light up my life?

• 28:03Mae Martin?

  I don't know that one.

• 28:04Tig Notaro?

  Oh, it was a Biggie from the 70s.

• 28:07Fortune Feimster?

  Biggie.

• 28:08Tig Notaro?

  Biggie, hello. Should we get to our question?

• 28:11Fortune Feimster?

  Let's do it.

• 28:12Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 28:13Mae Martin?

  Yeah, can I just say really quickly that because we said it before and then we had a tech problem, but that today I got told that I look like Bryan Adams. And when I walked into a diner, the chef behind the counter said, "Look who it is, it's Bryan Adams." And I was racking my brain for like, is this a reference to something I've done or something? And I said, "You think I look like him?" He said, "Yeah, you look exactly like Bryan Adams." And I'm really reeling from it.

• 28:41Fortune Feimster?

  Did you start singing? I got my first real six-string. Bought it at the five-and-dime. Bladed it to my fingers, blad. Was the summer of sixteen-nine.

• 28:59Tig Notaro?

  Ah, Fortune. Ma-ree.

• 29:06Fortune Feimster?

  That's the song.

• 29:08Tig Notaro?

  May, is that offensive to you?

• 29:11Mae Martin?

  Well, Bryan Adams, actually, when you look at him, is he, I mean, he's talented, which makes him handsome, but he's got kind of a, no, I mean, he's a handsome man, but no.

• 29:21Fortune Feimster?

  I'd do him.

• 29:23Mae Martin?

  Wouldn't you?

• 29:24Tig Notaro?

  I'm sure he's dying for that.

• 29:26Fortune Feimster?

  Hey, y'all, I'd hit that.

• 29:30Mae Martin?

  The guy said, "Are you hungry?" I said, "I would do anything for food."

• 29:36Fortune Feimster?

  But I wa- wait, that's Meatloaf.

• 29:37Tig Notaro?

  That's Meatloaf.

• 29:38Mae Martin?

  Oh, shit, yeah.

• 29:40Fortune Feimster?

  You're thinking of anything I do. I do it for you. Do you guys remember how huge that movie was?

• 29:50Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Robin Hood.

• 29:52Fortune Feimster?

  Robin Hood, Kevin Costner, and that song. Uh, talk about a horny moment.

• 29:59Mae Martin?

  Yeah, and he's so American in such a British.

• 30:04Mae Martin?

  Wait, Fortune, Tig's not looking at you.

• 30:07Fortune Feimster?

  Why can't you make eye contact with me anymore?

• 30:10Tig Notaro?

  Why do you think, Fortune? Why do you think?

• 30:14Fortune Feimster?

  It was so sexy.

• 30:17Mae Martin?

  It was.

• 30:18Tig Notaro?

  I think Bryan Adams is cute. And I, and I really enjoy his, um, like, I saw him live. I don't know why I was there, and I don't know why I was side stage. But I was there and I was loving every minute of his concert.

• 30:40Mae Martin?

  I bet he puts on a good show.

• 30:42Tig Notaro?

  Oh, yes, he did. And it's just like, the greatest hits of your life. And I was like, look at me, side stage at Bryan Adams. Anyway.

• 30:56Mae Martin?

  Our question asker today is...

• 31:04Mae Martin?

  Today's question asker is an Emmy nominated actress best known for playing Pam Beasley on The Office. She's also starred in movies like The Giant Mechanical Man and 2024 as Mean Girls. She co-hosts the hit podcast Office Ladies with her friend Angela Kinsey. Jenna Fischer is asking today's question.

• 31:24Fortune Feimster?

  Man, people freaking love The Office still.

• 31:27Mae Martin?

  Oh, man.

• 31:27Fortune Feimster?

  My kids are two of them.

• 31:29Speaker 04

  Hello, handsome podcast. Here's my question. Do you have an irrational fear? A fear that, that you know intellectually doesn't make any sense. It's false. This, this thing will never happen. But do you have an irrational fear? And if so, how do you deal with it?

• 31:54Tig Notaro?

  Yes, I do.

• 31:56Mae Martin?

  Oh, you do?

• 31:57Tig Notaro?

  Oh, yes, I do.

• 31:58Fortune Feimster?

  Man, that was quick.

• 32:00Tig Notaro?

  Well, because it is an irrational fear I deal with.

• 32:04Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 32:06Tig Notaro?

  I mean, I'm sure I have many, but one that is so irrational. And two, it's so irrational that I'm going to reveal myself as nuts right now.

• 32:17Fortune Feimster?

  Okay.

• 32:18Tig Notaro?

  I'm scared to reveal this because I'm scared somebody is gonna do this.

• 32:23Fortune Feimster?

  Don't do this to Tig, y'all.

• 32:25Tig Notaro?

  Don't. Wait till you hear what it is.

• 32:31Tig Notaro?

  How much this will never happen.

• 32:35Tig Notaro?

  I'm scared to, like when I check into a hotel room and there's a balcony. I am scared. I can't just stand on the balcony and look around. I am scared there is somebody under the bed or in the closet who is going to jump out and then throw me off the balcony.

• 32:55Fortune Feimster?

  Oh my god.

• 32:57Mae Martin?

  Oh my god.

• 32:59Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 33:00Mae Martin?

  Whoa.

• 33:00Tig Notaro?

  Yes.

• 33:01Mae Martin?

  I wonder where that started.

• 33:02Tig Notaro?

  I don't know. And it's even now transferred to if I'm like in a place, like say I'm in a mall, which is all the time. Let's say I'm in a mall that's like five levels.

• 33:16Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 33:16Tig Notaro?

  Like a Galleria type place. I'm, I can't go stand by the edge because I'm like, sure enough, somebody's gonna come run over and toss me over.

• 33:26Fortune Feimster?

  Oh my gosh.

• 33:27Mae Martin?

  I wonder if you like saw a movie as a kid or something where that, I know a lot of people like have the fear that they're going, their body is just gonna jump. You know what I mean? But to be like, as soon as I step on that balcony, someone from under the bed is gonna come and just toss.

• 33:42Tig Notaro?

  Well, I'll check in and I look under the bed. I look in the closet, especially if there's a balcony. I'm like, I'm no fool. Uh-uh. You're not tossing me over. So.

• 33:53Mae Martin?

  Yeah, that is, I guess that is very irrational.

• 33:56Tig Notaro?

  It's very irrational.

• 33:59Fortune Feimster?

  But that's been something you've had since you were young?

• 34:02Tig Notaro?

  No, it started as an adult, probably in the past 20, 30 years. I don't know.

• 34:09Fortune Feimster?

  Interesting. Are you, does this allow you to even enjoy any balcony?

• 34:15Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 34:16Fortune Feimster?

  Can you even sit on?

• 34:17Tig Notaro?

  I can't be standing near the edge.

• 34:20Fortune Feimster?

  But you can sit on a balcony and?

• 34:22Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah. I just need to make sure nobody is gonna come up behind me and throw me off.

• 34:27Fortune Feimster?

  I will say that when I filmed in Toronto last summer, whenever that was.

• 34:33Tig Notaro?

  Yep.

• 34:33Fortune Feimster?

  I had a balcony on, in the apartment that I was staying in and I loved it. It was so nice because it had a beautiful view of the water. But if I got too close to the edge, like I would almost like feel like a panic attack coming on.

• 34:47Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 34:48Fortune Feimster?

  And I never had that before.

• 34:50Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 34:50Fortune Feimster?

  And I was, and I couldn't even look down long because I would start to feel my heart racing.

• 34:56Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 34:58Mae Martin?

  Have you guys ever gone up the CN Tower?

• 35:00Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I have.

• 35:01Mae Martin?

  You know, it has the glass floor?

• 35:03Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 35:04Mae Martin?

  That makes my palms, I go green.

• 35:07Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, that's tough. But I did it.

• 35:11Mae Martin?

  Okay, so a stranger or a loved one throwing you off a balcony, that's a good one.

• 35:17Tig Notaro?

  I don't think a loved one is gonna do it. I think there is a psychopath hiding in my hotel room. And they are ready to toss me over. See, now I'm scared.

• 35:30Fortune Feimster?

  No one, no one do that.

• 35:32Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, don't.

• 35:33Mae Martin?

  Don't do that.

• 35:34Tig Notaro?

  Don't do that, don't.

• 35:37Fortune Feimster?

  Don't.

• 35:38Tig Notaro?

  Don't do it, you guys. Don't.

• 35:42Fortune Feimster?

  That's so not cool.

• 35:44Tig Notaro?

  It's not cool to throw me off balconies.

• 35:46Fortune Feimster?

  No.

• 35:48Mae Martin?

  Fortune, what about you?

• 35:49Fortune Feimster?

  I was trying to think if there's anything I'm like afraid of. I will, I mean, this is not like a fear per se, but I do find myself picking the side of the bed to sleep in that's closest to the door. I don't know what that is.

• 36:07Tig Notaro?

  Well, two extra steps to safety is what that is.

• 36:10Fortune Feimster?

  That's right. Um, I do, and I oftentimes, uh, when I'm staying by myself, um, will lock my bedroom door when I sleep.

• 36:22Mae Martin?

  Yeah, that's, that, that makes sense, though.

• 36:24Fortune Feimster?

  Does it? I, I mean, I get, I think I want to like, no, I think there's some fear there of being startled in my sleep, clearly.

• 36:34Mae Martin?

  Yeah, but that's evolutionary, you know, you're asleep, you wanna be protected. Tig is imagining a psychopath when she's wide awake.

• 36:44Tig Notaro?

  Well, let's not like drag me down like I'm some lunatic. And make Fortune seem normal.

• 36:52Mae Martin?

  Listen, no. Okay, mine are irrational. Mine are, uh, my teeth crumbling out. Like I, I have, um, a lot of dreams where my teeth are just crumbling in my mouth.

• 37:05Tig Notaro?

  Thomas, will you look up what that means?

• 37:07Fortune Feimster?

  I think that does mean something.

• 37:08Mae Martin?

  Really? So that, cause I know.

• 37:10Fortune Feimster?

  I think so.

• 37:11Mae Martin?

  People have that dream, yeah.

• 37:13Tig Notaro?

  Means you need calcium.

• 37:15Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 37:16Fortune Feimster?

  That is helpful.

• 37:17Tig Notaro?

  Solid man.

• 37:18Mae Martin?

  Also, my mom being mad at me and doing bad on my report card.

• 37:22Tig Notaro?

  That's still a fear?

• 37:23Mae Martin?

  Still? Yeah, like that feels irrational, right? Because I, I don't know, it's like this nagging feeling like I haven't done my homework.

• 37:29Tig Notaro?

  You're not in school still, are you, though?

• 37:31Mae Martin?

  Absolutely not.

• 37:32Tig Notaro?

  Okay.

• 37:33Fortune Feimster?

  I would have nightmares sometimes about forgetting lines on stage, like a theater show. And then, and I'll wake up and I sweat like.

• 37:45Fortune Feimster?

  I do have a teeth fear. Uh, I'm not, I know you're not finished, May, but just to, um, talk on, tag on to your teeth thing. I, um, get a little jumpy drinking out of a water fountain. Because I have a fear that someone's gonna come up behind me.

• 38:02Tig Notaro?

  There we go.

• 38:03Fortune Feimster?

  Because when I was a kid, I was drinking out of a water fountain and, and my friend thought it'd be funny to like, kind of bang me into the, the, um, thing. And luckily, it like just missed my teeth. Um, but my, I got like a concussion, like banged into the water fountain. But I've always had this fear of like drinking out of a water fountain and then my teeth just like smashing into it.

• 38:28Mae Martin?

  Did the friend feel bad?

• 38:30Tig Notaro?

  See, you're crazy too.

• 38:32Mae Martin?

  Oh, we're all nuts. We're all.

• 38:36Fortune Feimster?

  I think, we were so young, I think they didn't realize how much that hurt, like it physically hurt.

• 38:42Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 38:43Mae Martin?

  Oh my god, that also, I wonder if they've had that feeling of like their stomach dropping when they realized what they, like, oh, I fucked up.

• 38:51Fortune Feimster?

  I don't know.

• 38:52Mae Martin?

  Okay, Thomas says, "The most common interpretations for dreaming about your teeth falling out include recent loss or grief, jealousy, increased stress or anxiety, lack of control, big life changes, depression, insecurity or shame, health-related fears, or real-life dental issues."

• 39:11Tig Notaro?

  The only thing you don't have on there is real life dental issues.

• 39:15Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. The rest all rings pretty true.

• 39:19Fortune Feimster?

  It's like, here's a bazillion what ifs, but it could also just be your teeth need to be fixed.

• 39:24Mae Martin?

  I'm scared of deep water and aquatic dinosaurs, like the things that live in the depths. And they're, they've been there for thousands of years, species we don't even know about, big like

• 39:38Mae Martin?

  and they're just groaning around.

• 39:39Fortune Feimster?

  Like the Loch Ness monster?

• 39:41Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I don't want anything to do with that guy.

• 39:44Tig Notaro?

  You don't?

• 39:45Mae Martin?

  No, I'm, I got enough friends, you know?

• 39:49Tig Notaro?

  Doesn't it seem like the Loch Ness monster and Bigfoot probably know each other?

• 39:54Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 39:56Tig Notaro?

  It feels like they probably have seen each other before.

• 39:59Mae Martin?

  Like, you know how you imagine, like, people have a certain level of fame, like, if you're, if you're Tom Cruise and you're at a party and you see Brad Pitt, you're like, hey, man, like, I think Loch Ness monster and and Bigfoot are like that.

• 40:13Tig Notaro?

  That's like when I went up to Tom Cruise at the party. I was like, hey, man, me too.

• 40:18Mae Martin?

  I know what it's like to be this handsome, yeah.

• 40:21Tig Notaro?

  I know, I know what it's like to look like this, by the way. Yeah.

• 40:25Mae Martin?

  Quick question for you, Tig. Are you gonna let Max and Finn stay up to midnight for the countdown? Or are they, or do you do like a fake countdown?

• 40:34Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I mean, when, when it's not a school night, we let them stay up as late as they want. So even if it's a weekend night, we let them stay up as late as they want. And what's so, well, yeah, and they're like, yeah, we can stay up as late as we want. And usually they're falling asleep on the couch by like 9:30, you know, so.

• 40:56Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 40:57Tig Notaro?

  And then we watch the East Coast ball drop, so they get to see it. But, you know, it's only been weird travel.

• 41:07Tig Notaro?

  Time change nights that they've actually made it to some really late hour. Cause they, I think they're all, like the other day, they had three tournament games of baseball in one day.

• 41:20Fortune Feimster?

  What?

• 41:21Tig Notaro?

  And I know, yeah. So they pretty much, they crash out pretty hard.

• 41:26Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 41:27Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 41:28Fortune Feimster?

  Can I tell you guys some common irrational fears?

• 41:31Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 41:32Tig Notaro?

  That you have?

• 41:33Fortune Feimster?

  No, that just the world experiences together.

• 41:37Tig Notaro?

  Okay. Spiders.

• 41:38Fortune Feimster?

  Fear of being watched.

• 41:40Mae Martin?

  Huh?

• 41:41Fortune Feimster?

  And that's called scopup, scopop phobia.

• 41:46Mae Martin?

  Scopop phobia?

• 41:48Fortune Feimster?

  Scope?

• 41:49Tig Notaro?

  Just, just letter, just letter, just letter.

• 41:52Fortune Feimster?

  This was, this was a fun, this was a fun one.

• 41:54Tig Notaro?

  May just letter.

• 41:55Fortune Feimster?

  Fear of holes.

• 41:57Mae Martin?

  Oh, I've heard of this, like even in.

• 41:59Fortune Feimster?

  Ain't afraid of no hole.

• 42:01Tig Notaro?

  Fortune?

• 42:07Mae Martin?

  What, May? Um, I don't know, that, there's a thing.

• 42:11Fortune Feimster?

  Like sponges or honeycombs.

• 42:12Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a thing people are scared of.

• 42:15Tig Notaro?

  Oh yeah, my friend Steph, um, the one who got thumbed in the documentary. She's, she's scared of things in close clusters, like, like that. Like she is very disturbed by this.

• 42:30Fortune Feimster?

  But I guess it's com- more common than you think. By the way, I stand by, what's wrong with a thumb? Anyway.

• 42:38Mae Martin?

  Yeah, me too, actually.

• 42:39Tig Notaro?

  Watch the documentary and let us know your feelings.

• 42:42Fortune Feimster?

  Fear of mirrors, have you guys heard of that?

• 42:45Tig Notaro?

  No.

• 42:45Fortune Feimster?

  All these have words to them, but I can't pronounce any of them.

• 42:49Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, it's like, are they that common that they need a name?

• 42:52Fortune Feimster?

  Fear of clowns, that's a big one.

• 42:54Mae Martin?

  Huge, right? But I get that, cause it's like, it's the fakeness of it. It's like, you don't, they, they have a smile painted on and you don't know how, what they're feeling underneath. There's like a.

• 43:06Tig Notaro?

  To pretend that May is explaining what clowns are to us.

• 43:10Mae Martin?

  So there's a smile painted on, they freeze your hair?

• 43:13Fortune Feimster?

  It says it's often rooted in childhood experiences or unsettling portrayals in media. We blame the movie It for that.

• 43:20Mae Martin?

  Yeah, seriously, yeah.

• 43:22Fortune Feimster?

  Fear of mannequins?

• 43:23Tig Notaro?

  Are we still on topic? Or have we?

• 43:26Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, irrational fears.

• 43:28Tig Notaro?

  Oh, right, right, right.

• 43:29Fortune Feimster?

  I won't name all of these. Fear of balloons. Some people are very afraid of them popping unexpectedly.

• 43:36Mae Martin?

  My friend always says playing with the balloon is like hanging out with a friend that could yell at you at any moment.

• 43:42Fortune Feimster?

  Um, some people have a fear of rain. That would be tough.

• 43:45Tig Notaro?

  Especially in Seattle. That'd be really hard.

• 43:49Fortune Feimster?

  I'm gonna be there tomorrow night.

• 43:50Tig Notaro?

  Who?

• 43:51Mae Martin?

  The wicked witch of the West.

• 43:52Fortune Feimster?

  That's true.

• 43:53Tig Notaro?

  I'm melting. That's what my, uh, secret name for fortune is.

• 43:58Mae Martin?

  The wicked witch of the West.

• 43:59Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 44:00Fortune Feimster?

  How dare you?

• 44:01Mae Martin?

  Really? Elmira Gulch?

• 44:04Fortune Feimster?

  And then there's a fear of talking on the phone. Telephobia.

• 44:09Tig Notaro?

  Ooh, that's a great thing to remember if somebody is contacting you too much.

• 44:13Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I'm so sorry, I have telephobia.

• 44:18Fortune Feimster?

  Well, good times. Should we hear Jenna's answer?

• 44:20Tig Notaro?

  I think we should.

• 44:21Mae Martin?

  Yes, please.

• 44:21Speaker 04

  My irrational fear, or maybe it's more of an irrational thought, I don't know, but it does, um, make me feel scared, so I'm calling it a fear, is that there is a, um, I don't even want to say it, because I think if I say it out loud, it's more likely to be true. But I know that's not true.

• 44:43Tig Notaro?

  Same.

• 44:43Speaker 04

  See? So, um, I think that there's a ghost in my closet. In my office closet. I'm so silly. And that, um, because I have a tiny window in there and it opens on its own all the time.

• 45:01Fortune Feimster?

  Oh.

• 45:02Speaker 04

  And it's not windy. I latch it and it unlatches.

• 45:08Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, that's definitely a ghost.

• 45:10Speaker 04

  And I deal with it by telling myself that even if it's true, even if a ghost is unlatching the window. I've lived here for 10 years and they they must be a nice ghost.

• 45:20Tig Notaro?

  Hmm.

• 45:22Fortune Feimster?

  I think so, definitely a ghost. That's the only explanation.

• 45:26Mae Martin?

  Well, yeah. Also, as we were listening to Jenna's answer, someone like is knocking.

• 45:33Tig Notaro?

  I think they're locked out.

• 45:35Mae Martin?

  Somewhere in the in this Airbnb, but the door is over here and the knock came from over there. So I don't know. I am spooked right now.

• 45:42Fortune Feimster?

  I'm spooked too.

• 45:44Mae Martin?

  Girl, I am. Goosebumps.

• 45:48Fortune Feimster?

  I saw you go like, look like you had seen a ghost.

• 45:51Mae Martin?

  You just saw my real fear face.

• 45:53Fortune Feimster?

  What is, is that the back door that they're knocking on?

• 45:56Mae Martin?

  Yeah, it could be.

• 45:57Fortune Feimster?

  Weird.

• 45:57Mae Martin?

  I don't know. It's stopped. It's gone now, but.

• 45:59Fortune Feimster?

  Don't answer it.

• 46:00Tig Notaro?

  When Jenna was talking about the ghost in her closet, it reminded me, maybe I've talked about this before, it reminded me of an ex of mine when we lived together. There was a gigantic, like the size of a hand.

• 46:16Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 46:16Tig Notaro?

  Spider. Maybe that's a little much. Maybe half the size of a hand, palm size. In a spider web, in the closet.

• 46:25Mae Martin?

  Oh.

• 46:27Tig Notaro?

  And she didn't want to disturb it.

• 46:30Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, no.

• 46:31Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 46:32Fortune Feimster?

  What? No.

• 46:33Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, so we had to live with that spider in there.

• 46:37Fortune Feimster?

  No, I don't think I could have done that.

• 46:40Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, it was. It was a struggle, but I guess that's love.

• 46:46Mae Martin?

  I worry about retaliation from spiders. Like, I would maybe try to transport it out safely, but.

• 46:53Tig Notaro?

  She did not want to disturb it.

• 46:55Fortune Feimster?

  The retaliation being that they like talk to their friends and a bunch of them come get you?

• 47:00Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 47:00Tig Notaro?

  Plus, if you talk to your friends and you're a spider and you go, come on, that's eight legs saying, come on.

• 47:07Fortune Feimster?

  That sounds like a, this sounds like an irrational fear.

• 47:10Tig Notaro?

  Come on.

• 47:11Fortune Feimster?

  This sounds irrational.

• 47:12Tig Notaro?

  What is irrational?

• 47:14Fortune Feimster?

  That all these spiders are coming to get y'all after one of them.

• 47:18Tig Notaro?

  I don't think any spiders coming to get me.

• 47:20Fortune Feimster?

  No, may.

• 47:21Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 47:22Mae Martin?

  Well, it happens with whales and things and.

• 47:25Fortune Feimster?

  What?

• 47:26Mae Martin?

  Crows, like, so there are some animals that will hold a grudge and bring back their friends. Yeah. But um, do you think Jenna has a, if you had a ghost, a ghostly occurrence that kept happening that was kind of mundane, like, and not threatening, but it kept happening and there was no explanation, would you want to move house, or would you be like, I'll just live with it?

• 47:45Tig Notaro?

  Oh yeah, move house, remember that, Fortune? Move house.

• 47:49Fortune Feimster?

  Move house, I forgot about that.

• 47:51Mae Martin?

  What's move house?

• 47:52Tig Notaro?

  It's just not what we say in the States.

• 47:55Fortune Feimster?

  We don't say move house.

• 47:56Mae Martin?

  You don't say move house?

• 47:58Tig Notaro?

  And we've already talked about this.

• 47:59Fortune Feimster?

  We'd say move into another house, or, you know.

• 48:02Tig Notaro?

  Or we'd move.

• 48:03Mae Martin?

  Okay.

• 48:04Fortune Feimster?

  I would legit find someone who, um, like a ghostbuster.

• 48:09Mae Martin?

  Oh, like an exorcist almost?

• 48:11Fortune Feimster?

  Not an exorcist, a ghostbuster. I would try that first, no, like, somebody that helps get, like, I would sage the house first. Um, see if that works, if it's still happening, then bring someone that like, you know, clears ghosts.

• 48:26Mae Martin?

  But there, but the ghost isn't doing anything wrong.

• 48:29Fortune Feimster?

  I know, but you can also have a com, my, so my house growing up was like wildly haunted. And I talked about it in one of my specials, uh, it's every, people move out of this house every five years or so, because it's super haunted. And, uh, my mom used to hear stuff all the time. I didn't hear things or see things, but I-

• 48:51Tig Notaro?

  Did she hear, um, woo?

• 48:55Fortune Feimster?

  No, she just heard footsteps all the time, she's, and she said it was, um, and she said it was not a friendly ghost.

• 49:02Tig Notaro?

  Oh.

• 49:02Fortune Feimster?

  And, um, and it would make a lot of ruckus and noises, and she, it was, she said it got so bad that at one point, she like, uh, told, she yelled out to the ghost when she was alone one night, that if it did not leave us alone, she was gonna call the Duke University Paranormal Department. And she said after that it calmed down.

• 49:26Tig Notaro?

  Oh, yeah, I bet, you don't want to include that.

• 49:29Fortune Feimster?

  She threatened it, yeah.

• 49:30Mae Martin?

  Whoa. Yeah, again, I'd be worried it would go get its friends.

• 49:35Fortune Feimster?

  But it clearly hasn't left because I have heard from people who I got stopped by a guy who said, "My best friend lived in your childhood home."

• 49:44Mae Martin?

  No way.

• 49:45Fortune Feimster?

  With his fa- uh, he was a grown man. And I said, "Can I ask, did he tell you if that ha- house was haunted?" And he said, "It was the most haunted house the guy had ever lived in."

• 49:55Mae Martin?

  Really?

• 49:56Fortune Feimster?

  Mm-hmm.

• 49:57Mae Martin?

  But you felt, you didn't feel a malevolent presence there, like you felt safe?

• 50:00Fortune Feimster?

  I felt ener- bad energy, for sure.

• 50:02Mae Martin?

  Whoa.

• 50:03Fortune Feimster?

  Uh, I'm in, I, I, I don't see ghosts or like, I don't, you know, I think some people are susceptible to it. I don't have that thing, but I feel energy very strongly and I always felt very unsettled in that house.

• 50:17Mae Martin?

  I wish you were here right now to protect me from whatever's knocking.

• 50:20Fortune Feimster?

  I mean, I'm, there's nothing I can do. Just, um...

• 50:23Mae Martin?

  Just, you'd get scared of me?

• 50:25Fortune Feimster?

  I just lived, I lived with it, but I slept with a knife under my bed my whole childhood.

• 50:29Mae Martin?

  I thought you were gonna say you slept with the ghost, but...

• 50:32Fortune Feimster?

  No, may, I'm not a whore.

• 50:37Fortune Feimster?

  I'm not a ghost whore.

• 50:39Mae Martin?

  For real.

• 50:41Tig Notaro?

  I don't even know how to contribute to this conversation.

• 50:44Mae Martin?

  Wait, but you would sleep with a knife under your bed? Can you, can you kill a ghost with a knife?

• 50:49Fortune Feimster?

  Because, because when I was a, when I was a kid, I didn't know my house was haunted. My mom told me years later.

• 50:55Mae Martin?

  But you just thought that...

• 50:56Fortune Feimster?

  I just was scared all the time in this house and I didn't know why.

• 51:00Tig Notaro?

  What, what kind of knife? What are we talking about? Like a little pocket knife?

• 51:03Fortune Feimster?

  Like a kitchen knife, like a butcher.

• 51:04Tig Notaro?

  Okay.

• 51:05Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. But I was always scared and my mom left me alone a lot in my teenage years because she had a boyfriend that lived, uh...

• 51:13Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, we heard about him.

• 51:15Fortune Feimster?

  So I would be by myself. So my entire high school, I was so scared in this house and I never knew why. And then years later, I'm having a conversation with my mom and my mom was like, "Well, you know, because the house we grew up in was insanely haunted." And I was like, "What are you talking about?"

• 51:32Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, but you were also probably scared because you were a child left alone at home.

• 51:36Fortune Feimster?

  Well, I was a teenage, yes, but I was also a teenager at that point, wasn't like...

• 51:40Tig Notaro?

  I got scared as a 54-year-old.

• 51:43Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, true.

• 51:44Tig Notaro?

  TC look-alike.

• 51:47Fortune Feimster?

  Well, anyway, I'm glad we got our fears out.

• 51:50Tig Notaro?

  I am too. It was wonderful to connect once again with both of you.

• 51:56Fortune Feimster?

  I feel much closer to both of you.

• 51:59Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 51:59Mae Martin?

  I always do.

• 52:00Fortune Feimster?

  You guys, as a special treat to our listeners, I looked at our calendar because we were gonna, we were gonna leave up that link till January 2nd to our Holly Bob's Christmas Extravaganza. That's a very fun watch. Why don't we leave it up through that weekend that people can have that entire weekend? So, January 4th, that link will be available.

• 52:20Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my gosh. We're just giving it away at this point.

• 52:25Fortune Feimster?

  You can still have a Holly Bob's party this weekend with your friends.

• 52:29Mae Martin?

  Tag us in your pics if you're, if you got people together and you're watching it. We want to see you.

• 52:34Tig Notaro?

  Or even if you don't get anyone together.

• 52:36Mae Martin?

  Yeah, if it's just you and your ghost.

• 52:39Fortune Feimster?

  Just watch it. It was super fun. We always go off the rails and, you know, it's, it's a good, a good fun time. So, I hope you guys enjoy it. So, you can check out that link. We'll have it posted, but it's at dynastypewriter.com for that link.

• 52:55Tig Notaro?

  Mm-hmm. It's true. Well, should we share what we're up to? I mean, if anybody cares anymore of what we're up to, I mean, I have tour dates if I, if anyone cares.

• 53:08Fortune Feimster?

  Well, let's hear it.

• 53:10Tig Notaro?

  They're coming up. I mean, grab a piece of paper. What'd you say, May?

• 53:14Mae Martin?

  I love that type of person that, well, I'm doing fine if anyone cares to ask.

• 53:19Tig Notaro?

  I mean, I don't know if you care at all what I'm up to, but if you do, grab a pen and a paper and write down that I'll be in Fort Lauderdale on January 14th. I'll be in Orlando January 15th. I'll be in Tampa January 16th, which is, yes, both of my parents' birthday. And then Fayetteville, Arkansas, February 19th, Oklahoma City, February 20th, and the list goes on. Midland, Texas, February 21st. Also, do check out Come See Me in the Good Light, the incredible, beautiful documentary on Apple TV. That maybe I produced and maybe it made the shortlist of Oscar nomination.

• 54:02Mae Martin?

  Hell, yeah. I am at Largo in LA on January 13th with Lisa Gilroy doing a show called May and Lisa's Surprise Party that we're gonna surprise each other with stuff. It's gonna be fun. And then I'm about to go on tour. If you go to maymartin.net, I'm doing 47 shows. I'm coming to all these cities I've never been to. And also check out my album, I'm a TV on Spotify or wherever you get your music and listen to some emo tunes.

• 54:32Tig Notaro?

  Also, if you want extra dates of my tour, go to tignotaro.com because there's a lot more tour dates there.

• 54:39Fortune Feimster?

  Okay. Um, I'm in Vancouver actually right now. Tonight I'll be in Vancouver. Uh, if you want to check that show out, um, Seattle, Washington, uh, for New Year's Eve tomorrow. And then I got New Orleans, Mobile, Alabama, Atlanta, Cincinnati, Indianapolis, Milwaukee, Des Moines, a bunch of places, New York City at the Beacon, uh, Philly, lots of places. Yeah. FortuneFeamster.com.

• 55:06Tig Notaro?

  Nice, my friends. We're busy little bees.

• 55:09Fortune Feimster?

  What a fun pod to end our year out on. Um, I appreciate you guys and another, uh, I'm looking forward to another awesome year ahead.

• 55:18Tig Notaro?

  I know. I hope we make it to April of 2026.

• 55:23Mae Martin?

  My resolution is to keep it handsome as always.

• 55:26Tig Notaro?

  Well, let's do it. Let's do it. Also, please rate and review us and subscribe to the podcast. You have no idea how helpful that is with keeping this podcast going. Subscribe, rate, review. Also YouTube, check it out. A lot of silliness going on on YouTube and until next time. Oh, what? Go ahead.

• 55:46Fortune Feimster?

  Well, just thank you guys. Thank you to everyone who's listened this year and, and continues to support us. We really appreciate it. This is such a fun, uh, treat for us to do the pod and the fact that you guys listen and enjoy it means so much to us. So thank you guys for that.

• 56:03Tig Notaro?

  And please feel free to, um, share your favorite episodes and build this, uh, wonderful, handsome, pretty little community.

• 56:12Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 56:13Tig Notaro?

  Until next time.

• 56:15Fortune Feimster?

  Keep it handsome.

• 56:19Mae Martin?

  Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willett. Email us at [email protected] and please follow us on social media @handsomepod.

• 56:34Fortune Feimster?

  What a podcast!

• 56:40Speaker 00

  That was a HeadGum podcast.

• 56:42Speaker 05

  What's going on? It's Lamorne Morris.

• 56:44Fortune Feimster?

  And Hannah Simone.

• 56:45Speaker 05

  And we host The Mess Around, a New Girl rewatch podcast on HeadGum. Now, here's the thing. Every single week, we chat about an episode of New Girl, and we really get into it. Like, we get up in there. We get up in there. You know, we reminisce about our times on set. We share behind-the-scenes tea. We react to rewatching episodes that we haven't seen in years. We talk about how Jake Johnson is dogged.

• 57:07Fortune Feimster?

  That's not true. We talk about so many memories we have of working with the biggest stars on the planet. I'm talking Prince, Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodrigo.

• 57:20Speaker 05

  We're just two BFFs having a good old time, okay? Sometimes, we even talk to other co-stars like Zooey Deschanel, Jake Johnson, Max Greenfield, and Damon Wayans Jr., and your dad. We talk to your dad on this show as well.

• 57:31Fortune Feimster?

  Make sure you subscribe to The Mess Around wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every single Tuesday.