"Bill Burr"

It’s a point of contention already… with our guest Bill Burr. A soliloquy, much needed advice to plumbers, and underground hockey conspiracy theories. Does your dog need Prozac, or do you? It’s an all-new SmartLess.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Sean Hayes?

  This episode of Smartless is sponsored by Google Book. So the other day, I wanted to make invitations for my dog Ricky's birthday party. And I've got three things open on my laptop. An adorable photo of Ricky, a picture of a birthday cake, and the RSVP details. Thing is, as much as I look like one, I'm not a canine birthday party invitation designer. That's where Google Book comes in. It's a whole new kind of laptop with a feature called Magic Pointer. I just click the photos and different elements on my screen, and boom, Magic Pointer designs a customized birthday party invitation for Ricky. Click anything on your screen to create whatever you want. Visit googlebook.com. Available to 18-plus users.

• 0:44Sean Hayes?

  Compatibility and availability vary.

• 0:49Jason Bateman?

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• 1:29Sean Hayes?

  The place you call home is important to you. So it's important to Allstate. Because home is where you make all your memories. Things like inviting your friends over for game night and discovering that one of them takes charades way, way too seriously. It's these memories that make a house feel like home. If it's important to you, it's important to Allstate. Switch to Allstate, and you could save hundreds on home insurance today. Not available in every state. Potential savings vary, subject to terms and qualifications. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 2:05Sean Hayes?

  Being safer on the road starts with the person behind the wheel. That's Mazda's philosophy when designing every vehicle. Their proactive safety features help keep you more aware, connected, and engaged during every drive, which means your car does more than help protect you. It helps make you a safer driver, which helps protect everyone. That's why Mazda has been named Consumer Reports' safest new car brand. To learn more, visit MazdaUSA.com. Consumer Reports does not endorse products or services.

• 2:51Speaker 02

  Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and I am in the waiting room, waiting for the three gentlemen, we'll call them, of the Smartless Podcast. It's funny, they told me to be here by 8:45, even though the podcast starts at 9:30. So it's sort of a point of contention already. But this is the Smartless Podcast. Here we go.

• 3:28Will Arnett?

  Here's a nice-- you guys appreciate this. I decided I'm gonna go to-- I was hanging with our buddy at his house over in the West Village. And then our other buddy, Chris Henchy, showed up, and we were chit-chatting. And Chris Henchy is always good for a million laughs. And I said, "I'm gonna go to Cafe Clooney for lunch solo." And he goes, "Oh, you gotta have the buffalo chicken dumplings." I go, "What are--?" He's like, "They're dumplings, but they're in buffalo chicken sauce." I go, "Henchy, it's not part of my friggin' diet." He's like, "Oh, my buddy runs up." I say, "Yeah, thanks, man, but you know, this is a temple," as JB would say. So I walk over--

• 4:01Speaker 02

  Body's no fluke.

• 4:02Will Arnett?

  No fluke. And I walk over there, beautiful noon on a Monday, snow, just like heavy snow starting.

• 4:07Speaker 02

  Beautiful.

• 4:08Will Arnett?

  Tucked into a corner. I order a salad and a little bit of chicken with some veggies. That's it. And the waitress comes over, plonks down some buffalo chicken dumplings. And I'm like, I text Henchy, I'm like, "You motherfucker."

• 4:19Speaker 02

  Oh, he called ahead, did he?

• 4:21Will Arnett?

  He called it in. "My buddy's sitting in the corner, can you deliver some?"

• 4:25Speaker 02

  That's funny. And they were-- did you have them?

• 4:28Will Arnett?

  Yeah. I had two. They were delicious.

• 4:31Speaker 02

  They looked like they had a lot of sodium in them.

• 4:34Will Arnett?

  Do they? No, no, no, do they?

• 4:35Sean Hayes?

  No, they don't. You look beautiful.

• 4:39Will Arnett?

  Am I looking?

• 4:40Sean Hayes?

  I wanted to tell you about Ricky, what happened to Ricky. This is pretty wild.

• 4:43Will Arnett?

  Gervais?

• 4:44Sean Hayes?

  No, my dog.

• 4:45Will Arnett?

  He got another special?

• 4:46Sean Hayes?

  Wait, did he lose the number?

• 4:50Will Arnett?

  Is he bringing the office back? What's happening? I love that we always go to you for our Ricky Gervais news. You're always up on what Ricky's up to.

• 4:58Sean Hayes?

  I like to keep up on it. No, he, um, Tracy, Ricky is your brother's dog. Yeah, she knows that. Um, so he was being watched by this friend of ours who watches a lot of dogs, whatever. And one of the dogs that this person was watching has to take Prozac, right?

• 5:19Will Arnett?

  Oh, sure, of course. It's Los Angeles dog.

• 5:20Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, that's right.

• 5:23Will Arnett?

  Lots of problems in the world, but California dogs need antidepressants.

• 5:27Sean Hayes?

  It's pretty stressful. It drops from 68 to 72 without any warning.

• 5:31Will Arnett?

  You can bail out now if you want, by the way.

• 5:33Sean Hayes?

  No, no.

• 5:34Will Arnett?

  If you feel, okay, you're in deep. Yeah, you're, you're, you're waist deep.

• 5:37Sean Hayes?

  So she, she gives the dog his one Prozac and she puts the bottle on the counter and Ricky jumps up, knocks it over and eats 10 of them.

• 5:47Sean Hayes?

  10 Prozac. I'm not kidding. And so we, it's such a long story, but we had to take him to the vet and blah, blah, blah. And they punt, they had to like make him throw up or whatever. And I'm talking to the vet and I'm like, what's the deal? And he's like, well, there's 50/50 chance. I'm like, that he's gonna die? He goes, yeah. Like so matter of fact. And I was like, I kind of appreciated that he said it's so cavalier, but I was also like bedside manner was really bad. Anyway, the end of the story is he's all good.

• 6:14Will Arnett?

  I, I, I said to, I said to Sean, I said, I thought he was gonna say that Ricky ate 10 Prozac and, and joined up with people. You know, like just got real positive and started touring the world, just bringing joy to everybody, you know?

• 6:27Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 6:29Sean Hayes?

  All right, so let's get to the guest.

• 6:30Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 6:31Sean Hayes?

  My guest today is a fellow podcaster. He's one of the funniest people alive. A Boston native. He's a passionate Patriots fan. He's one of the few comedians to sell at Madison Square Garden, London's Royal Albert Hall. And two years ago, he made history as the first comedian to ever perform at Fenway Park. Our listeners have seen him in one of his eight billion brilliant comedy specials or live tours.

• 6:53Jason Bateman?

  Did Will get it?

• 6:54Sean Hayes?

  Did Will get what?

• 6:56Will Arnett?

  Did I say Bill Burr?

• 6:57Jason Bateman?

  He said Bill Burr.

• 6:57Sean Hayes?

  I don't know, maybe. And he's been on my smart list. Guest list for years. It's the hilarious Bill Burr!

• 7:03Jason Bateman?

  What?

• 7:03Sean Hayes?

  All right, it's Bill Burr.

• 7:05Speaker 02

  Hey, what's up, guys?

• 7:07Sean Hayes?

  Hey, so sorry about the delay. We've been having all those tech issues.

• 7:10Speaker 02

  No, I was just enjoying the podcast. You know, about dogs with Prozac? I mean, that's... How would you know the dog is depressed? I mean, it doesn't...

• 7:20Sean Hayes?

  I know.

• 7:20Speaker 02

  Like, what did it talk to you about? What was it? Was it the way it played with the ball?

• 7:24Sean Hayes?

  Well, I wasn't watching the one that needed it. But I imagine the same thing. Like, how do you...

• 7:29Speaker 02

  Oh, you needed Prozac, and the dog ate it.

• 7:32Will Arnett?

  No, a different dog at the...

• 7:33Jason Bateman?

  Different dog had a dog Prozac near the counter.

• 7:36Will Arnett?

  You were listening to a different podcast, Bill, I think. Hey, hey, I would... This is what I think.

• 7:40Speaker 02

  Sounds to me like you got upstoled by that vet.

• 7:43Will Arnett?

  It does.

• 7:44Speaker 02

  He went from Milk Bones to fucking Prozac.

• 7:48Will Arnett?

  I would venture to say that there are... You know, in the same way that they say that people look like their dogs, I bet you it's a little bit of sort of projection from the owner. Like, my dog needs Prozac. Like, does your dog need Prozac? Or do you?

• 8:01Jason Bateman?

  Or Scotty? Now, let's hold on a second here. This is a huge booking.

• 8:08Will Arnett?

  I know. Bill...

• 8:09Jason Bateman?

  You know, Bill?

• 8:10Will Arnett?

  Bill Burr.

• 8:11Jason Bateman?

  You don't need to do this shit. What do you need?

• 8:14Will Arnett?

  I know.

• 8:14Speaker 02

  Believe me, when you kept losing your internet, I was thinking about that. I was like, how is this helping me? No, it did. It did help my relationship. I got out of the house, which gives my wife, you know, a break from me, which is always nice.

• 8:31Sean Hayes?

  Do you find that? I find that my relationship is better when I'm working out of town.

• 8:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, when I'm not there, we get along great. It's when I'm home.

• 8:40Sean Hayes?

  And then do you feel... Do you feel stressed to pick up the phone every night and talk? Well, what did you do today? Here's what I did today. Or do you... Are you comfortable going a couple of days without talking?

• 8:49Jason Bateman?

  Talking if there's not really something to really discuss.

• 8:52Speaker 02

  No, I don't do that, but I just, I just try to make her laugh. So I just call up and just be a goofball, lighten up the mood, you know?

• 9:00Jason Bateman?

  Your humor still works for her?

• 9:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, it actually does. My wife has a great sense of humor. She's actually, believe it or not, I think she's funnier than a lot of comedians I know. Like, she's like hilarious, so.

• 9:10Will Arnett?

  Well, that's not hard.

• 9:11Jason Bateman?

  Sam Scotty, yeah.

• 9:12Sean Hayes?

  That's not hard.

• 9:14Will Arnett?

  But, but let me ask you this, and Jason, you was very revealing the way you answered that question. Like, do you feel the pressure to call every night? That seems like, do you want to elaborate on that?

• 9:22Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:23Jason Bateman?

  Wait, let me snort a Prozac.

• 9:26Jason Bateman?

  It's, uh, well, yeah, I mean, we're, you know, we're, what are we? We're 25 years into this thing and, um, you know, and, and the kids don't want to talk to me. And so it really just leaves the wife. And if I don't have something that is really pressing to, to share, then, you know, sometimes we'll just be on the phone, we'll just hang there. And then we feel the, the stress of having to come up with some shit to say. And then, you know, and then, so, no, yeah, no. It, we don't, we don't really call unless there's, there's a hot topic or a hot take.

• 9:58Speaker 02

  So it's basically sort of a business relationship at this point, you know?

• 10:02Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 10:02Speaker 02

  We'll set up a Zoom.

• 10:06Jason Bateman?

  I talked to her assistant and she says she's got something pressing. And can I make some time between three and four?

• 10:11Speaker 02

  No, I love talking to my wife. She's, uh, she's hilarious. So.

• 10:14Jason Bateman?

  Good for you.

• 10:15Sean Hayes?

  Wait, do you guys have, do you have kids?

• 10:17Will Arnett?

  Wait, Jason, hang on one more time. And Jason, there's still room for you to go, I love my wife too. And I like, and we'll edit it, we'll, we'll close the gap.

• 10:26Jason Bateman?

  Oh, I must've cut out again. I said that pretty emphatically.

• 10:30Speaker 02

  I believed it. I heard it on my.

• 10:32Jason Bateman?

  I love her so much.

• 10:33Will Arnett?

  Bill, I, so I knew it was you when Sean did the intro and the, and the blind intro, because I knew that you'd sold out Madison Square Garden. And I knew that you'd sold out Royal Albert Hall because I saw you at Royal Albert Hall on one of your shows there. If you remember a few years back, fucking unbelievable.

• 10:49Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 10:50Will Arnett?

  Honestly, it was really impressive. And you know, Bill, I'm not going to go crazy, but you know that I'm a fan and, and I have been for a long time.

• 10:57Jason Bateman?

  Why would he know that? You write him letters?

• 10:58Will Arnett?

  Well, he knows that. We know each other a little. And I, I went to see him and it was unbelievable, sold out Royal. It was so impressive and it was so, it was so awesome.

• 11:08Speaker 02

  This is why I didn't come here for this.

• 11:10Will Arnett?

  I know you didn't, but I want to say this.

• 11:11Speaker 02

  I'm not gonna sit here and get complimented for a fucking hour.

• 11:14Will Arnett?

  It's also, it's also rare, it's also.

• 11:16Speaker 02

  Don't point it.

• 11:17Will Arnett?

  It's always, I'll do whatever the fuck I want. You're a Bruins fan. I'll treat you like one.

• 11:22Jason Bateman?

  Maple Leafs, Maple Leafs knocked the crap out of the Bruins last night, was it?

• 11:25Will Arnett?

  Yeah. Uh, it was, uh.

• 11:28Speaker 02

  Six, four. Well, this is their time of year, you know?

• 11:31Will Arnett?

  Fuck you.

• 11:32Speaker 02

  January, I mean, they.

• 11:33Will Arnett?

  Don't fuck it.

• 11:35Speaker 02

  They crush us.

• 11:36Will Arnett?

  We were off.

• 11:36Speaker 02

  And also the first three games of a seven game series, you do not want any part of the Toronto Maple Leafs. Those last four though. Nothing but smooth sailing.

• 11:47Will Arnett?

  Jesus fucking Christ. First of all.

• 11:49Jason Bateman?

  Don't laugh, Sean. You don't know what the hell's going on.

• 11:52Speaker 02

  I don't, but I, but I figured it out. Yeah.

• 11:54Will Arnett?

  It's a little bit true and, and you know, I, I love.

• 11:58Speaker 02

  A little bit true. It's, it's, it's been fifty.

• 12:01Jason Bateman?

  Not closer.

• 12:01Speaker 02

  Seven years.

• 12:02Will Arnett?

  Yeah, it has been fifty seven years, but we're building because we like drama. Okay? We could be like you guys and be a, you know, fucking one and done. You guys haven't won since you won back in two thousand and eight or whatever it was.

• 12:13Speaker 02

  No, two thousand and eleven. Yeah, this century, last decade.

• 12:16Will Arnett?

  Fine.

• 12:17Speaker 02

  You haven't won since Lyndon Johnson.

• 12:22Speaker 02

  You haven't, you haven't won since before we faked a lunar landing. It's been a while.

• 12:29Jason Bateman?

  I knew it.

• 12:30Will Arnett?

  I, I forgot that you're also a conspiracy theorist. I forgot like an.

• 12:35Speaker 02

  They were still playing with straight sticks. They didn't have the, Stan Makita hadn't figured it out yet.

• 12:40Will Arnett?

  It's true.

• 12:42Will Arnett?

  Now, did you ever play?

• 12:43Speaker 02

  goalie didn't have a mask.

• 12:45Will Arnett?

  Did you, did you?

• 12:46Speaker 02

  Old Curly Johnson between the pipes tonight and a young Will Arnett. All right, let's get off. Sorry.

• 12:52Jason Bateman?

  Sean, first question for your guest.

• 12:54Sean Hayes?

  I have, I have a ton. Well, I don't know you, Bill. Like, for, first of all, just a comment. It's not, it's not a thing. I saw you, the first time I think I ever met you was at Ted Sarandos's house, uh, sometime last year, at this comedy dinner thing and I was, you were so, you were one of the good guys.

• 13:10Speaker 02

  The medieval manner.

• 13:12Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 13:14Sean Hayes?

  It's a total medieval manner. Yeah.

• 13:16Speaker 02

  I always feel like when I go there at some point, all our AI replacements are gonna come up out of the base.

• 13:22Speaker 02

  And kill their human, human versions. Like AI Dave Chappelle is gonna come up. Gotcha bitch.

• 13:33Sean Hayes?

  Well, my sister Tracy, Ted Stranus is the head of Netflix. But anyway, so we were there and I'd never met you before. And the first thing you said was, I had something in my teeth. I had a piece of food in my teeth. And I didn't even say anything and I handed you, I think like a sugar packet. And you just went right in there, stuck your finger in my mouth. And you just got it out and you were like, I was like, oh, this guy's, this guy's really cool.

• 13:56Speaker 02

  Solid. I wasn't gonna let you walk around looking like that.

• 13:58Sean Hayes?

  I know.

• 13:59Speaker 02

  Cause everyone was talking about you at that point, Sean.

• 14:03Sean Hayes?

  You'd had enough. Yeah, for sure.

• 14:06Speaker 02

  Somebody had, I wanted to be on the right side of history, you know, guys. I've been out here in LA long enough and I just felt like, you know, I needed to tap into my inner hero.

• 14:15Sean Hayes?

  How long have you been out, how long have you been in Los Angeles?

• 14:18Speaker 02

  Uh, since 2007.

• 14:20Sean Hayes?

  Oh, I didn't know you lived here.

• 14:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, I love it out here. I love it out here and I, I like reading native, natives of Los Angeles because they love Los Angeles and they know the history of it. And I just can't meet another stupid fucking New Yorker that is bitching about how much they fucking hate it. And everybody's so real in New York, like nobody lies on Wall Street. Everybody's just, you know, contractor says it's gonna take two weeks in New York. He's done in 13 days. It's so fucking stupid. And then, and then the worst traveled people ever, New Yorkers, they get so freaked out. Like they go to Hong Kong and be, hey, we get a bacon, egg and cheese. And then they couldn't get it. This fucking place sucks.

• 15:01Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 15:02Speaker 02

  What's the point of traveling if everything's gonna be different?

• 15:06Will Arnett?

  I love, I, Bill, I'm so with you. I'm glad you're banging this drum.

• 15:09Speaker 02

  They come out here, dude, they give up on their dream and to make it in this business because they don't like the pizza.

• 15:16Will Arnett?

  Yeah, exactly. And then they go, and then they go, in New York, we get to walk around everywhere. I'm like, fuck, and then get out of your car and walk around. I'm not stopping you from fucking walking around. You're like, fuck up.

• 15:25Speaker 02

  And also, they're homesick, they're homesick, they're pussies, they're pussies. And they, and they act like they're tough because there are tough people in New York, but not you. You're an actor. You're doing a soliloquy, all right? Let's not act like you grew up in Brownsville with Mike Tyson. You did.

• 15:42Sean Hayes?

  And they're standing outside shivering like crazy saying, isn't New York great? Is New York great? LA sucks.

• 15:48Speaker 02

  That drives me up the wall about New Yorkers. They think that Frank Sinatra song, "New York, New York," is about them. It's not about growing up in New York with the support system. It's about not knowing anybody there and moving there.

• 16:00Sean Hayes?

  Right.

• 16:00Speaker 02

  It's not growing up and you got your mother here, your dad over there, and you get to go home like, "Show business was mean to me today," and they rub your fucking head. It's about going there, you don't know anybody. Like Frank, Frank Sinatra was bridge and tunnel. Came in from New Jersey, then he had hits, and then they fucking claimed him. Steinbrenner was from fucking Cleveland, Ohio. I'm telling you, a lot of the shit that happens in there is from other people.

• 16:24Sean Hayes?

  It's small, right?

• 16:25Speaker 02

  And the rest of them...

• 16:26Will Arnett?

  Bill, you ever think about getting a car with like a loudspeaker on the top and driving around town? That would be good.

• 16:31Speaker 02

  I don't have to, I do stand-up.

• 16:32Will Arnett?

  No, but this might be more of the people, like you could just give it to people on the street. "Hey you, are you fucking missing, you think the fucking Yankees had off? You haven't even been to a Yankees game in 12 years," you know what I mean?

• 16:43Speaker 02

  That's a big misnomer, am I using that right? That people think that I walk around doing that shit. I don't. I only do it when it's done to me. So I've had it, like, I lived in New York City during the height of the stupid Curse of the Babe thing, which was just always all bullshit.

• 16:59Sean Hayes?

  What's that?

• 17:00Speaker 02

  It was this fairy tale that white people made up because we didn't want to admit that the Red Sox didn't integrate till like 1992, and that's why we couldn't win.

• 17:09Sean Hayes?

  Oh, okay, okay.

• 17:11Speaker 02

  Because we traded some fat fuck like during World War I. And if you do that, all of a sudden, you're not, I mean, at some point, when are you gonna take responsibility that you had an all-white team right through the mid-sixties?

• 17:23Sean Hayes?

  Oh my God, wait, but that, I'm gonna, I might want to talk about something that you're probably so sick of talking about, but I didn't know this until I watched it just recently, the Philly incident thing. So if you don't want to talk about it, we don't have to talk about it. But I... I don't know about it. Fill me in.

• 17:40Speaker 02

  She told me she was of age.

• 17:43Will Arnett?

  Fucking.

• 17:44Sean Hayes?

  That's all I need.

• 17:45Speaker 02

  Oh, not that one? Not that one?

• 17:46Will Arnett?

  No, no, no, not for here, not for here.

• 17:48Sean Hayes?

  No, no, no, no, no, no. This is funny. So Jay, he, he was in Philadelphia and he was doing stand-up and right away he got a heckler that booed him and it goes, and he hits back, he doubles down and then triples down and pushes it. I watched the whole thing. I couldn't, I couldn't stop laughing. It was so fucking funny how you turned on the audience so hard and for so long. And he was counting the minutes on. And by the way, you ended that whole rant in Philly with, "All of you go fuck yourselves in your own assholes."

• 18:18Speaker 02

  Well, I wanted to make sure it was consensual.

• 18:22Sean Hayes?

  I gotta see this. This is on YouTube? It's 14 minutes of him non-stop berating the audience and I was crying last. Because of one heckler got after you? No, well, no, the guy kept going and going.

• 18:34Speaker 02

  It was, it was this radio show, the Opie and Anthony Show, one of the big breaks I had in my career. Opie Anthony and Jimmy Norton got me on that show and that's when I first started selling tickets. So they had a bunch of comics on there, the late, great Patrice O'Neal, Voss, Bobby Kelly, all of these guys. And they decided to do a stand-up tour. And it was, you know, sort of a Howard Stern style show. So he knew it was gonna be a hostile crowd. So we were doing this tour and we kinda knew the Philly show was coming. We just didn't know which city it was gonna be. We knew it was gonna happen. So it was, we showed up, I forget where it was. It was right across Camden, New Jersey.

• 19:13Speaker 02

  It was a long time ago and the fucking Philly people, they were like tailgating. They had like Eagles jerseys on throwing footballs. It was fucking wild. It looked like it was either gonna be a football game or a metal show. So the first guy went up and got booed. Oh God, it was so bad. The sun was still out and he was from Philly and he had half his family there. It was so fucking bad. They were all chanting asshole, asshole. And I remember, he didn't know what to do. He was like deer in the headlights and has it going asshole, asshole. He just goes, "Thanks a lot. You guys have been great." And I went on like, you know, a couple hours after that and the sun had gone down and um, I made a few mistakes getting into it and then they got on me and they all started booing. It's Philly.

• 19:57Sean Hayes?

  What does a mistake, what does a mistake look like?

• 20:00Speaker 02

  I, I think I went out there, I was worried, so I was timid, so I was on my heel and you know, the crowd subconsciously senses that and then I also think I might have done, started to do a bit and I was like, wait a minute, I think they played this bit on the radio and then I got in my head, did they already know this joke? So I was sort of like a half click behind doing the joke. And it didn't work. And then I go, what the, I can't remember, I just remember I thought it was the end of my career, I'll be honest with you. So it was like 10,000 people booing me. But then I just started trashing their sports teams and that's what saved me.

• 20:33Sean Hayes?

  And them.

• 20:35Speaker 02

  Well, it was because it was the tri-state area, so there was, there was, you know, if I made fun of the Flyers, there was Devils fans and Capitals fans, so I got pockets of people like laughing.

• 20:45Will Arnett?

  Everybody.

• 20:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, and this was before the Phillies won another World Series, so they had won like one World Series in a hundred years and, you know, and then they also did a bunch of dumb shit like, you know, put up a statue of Rocky but not Joe Frazier, like they put one up of a fake white boxer.

• 21:00Sean Hayes?

  An actor.

• 21:01Speaker 02

  It was pretty easy. I've, I've never watched it, I'll be honest with you, I never watched it. I was riding home with Bobby Kelly, one of my great friends in this business and he, I was just quiet, I had like a fucking headache.

• 21:14Sean Hayes?

  And it did the opposite, by the way. It like, it became viral and like you became huge from that, not that, not that you weren't.

• 21:20Speaker 02

  I didn't know how people were gonna take it on the internet, I thought they were just gonna watch it and see me getting booed and I thought everyone was gonna make fun, you know, I catastrophized. So we were driving back up whatever that, that highway is. And I remember Bobby was going, he's like, dude, you just told the whole city of Philly to go fuck themselves and whatever. And I was kinda like, dude, I don't wanna, I don't wanna talk about it, I don't wanna talk about it, it's gonna come out on the internet, this is gonna be a fucking disaster. And then I was also worried that like uh, everywhere I went, they were gonna do that, like that was gonna be my thing. Cause I, no one knew who I was and this was my first big viral thing and it wasn't me doing material, it was me getting booed. And then I did, I did the, the next city on the tour

• 22:03Speaker 02

  and I was walking around backstage and people in the crowd saw me and they were going boo before I even went out there. Jeez. So I remember I was talking to those guys going, guys, you gotta put me on early. You gotta give me a chance. And they didn't. They put me on late and I walked out and they just started booing me. And I was just like, guys, I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. And then it was funny. They were like hitting me up on MySpace. This is how long it was. People at Cleveland being like, dude, that could have been such a great moment in comedy and you ruined it, blah, blah. It was so funny. Like, a lot of listeners of the Opie and Anthony Show, the fans, thought they were really educated on stand-up comedy to the point that they would lecture stand-up comedians about it, which is fucking hilarious. I mean, I've watched some plumbing videos, but I don't think I would ever sit there talking

• 22:44Speaker 02

  to a plumber going like, hey, you know, I think I'm gonna use a different sized C-clamp there. So, um, yeah, that's what I was worried about. So my next gig I had after that was The Punch Line. And I went from 10,000 people on the tour to just doing this perfect-sized comedy club that was only like 180 people. And I was like terrified in the green room. Like, that's how my brain used to think. I used to, you know, catastrophize. I don't do it anymore, but I used to be. And then this is gonna happen. This is happening. I'm gonna live up home with my parents and I'm gonna watch them die. I would literally do that over a bad set. So I went up on stage at The Punch Line and it was like, these were fans of my act. The Opie and Anthony Show wasn't in San Francisco. And then also the big thing is I could see all of them. Right.

• 23:29Speaker 02

  It takes no balls to boo somebody when you're in row 40 on up. I can't see you. You know what I mean? Right, right, right. So I could really, you know, get them. Yeah.

• 23:39Sean Hayes?

  We'll be right back.

• 23:42Sean Hayes?

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• 24:17Sean Hayes?

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• 24:45Sean Hayes?

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• 25:25Sean Hayes?

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• 26:04Sean Hayes?

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• 26:45Jason Bateman?

  All right, back to the show.

• 26:48Sean Hayes?

  Has there ever been a heckler that's been really good?

• 26:51Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 26:52Sean Hayes?

  Like funny, yeah.

• 26:54Speaker 02

  Or, or just bizarre.

• 26:57Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 26:59Speaker 02

  I would say like the, um, the angrier people, because then it's this weird thing where you get, you have to get them, so you maintain the audience's respect, but if you get them too well, are they coming up here now?

• 27:11Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, yeah, right, right.

• 27:12Speaker 02

  Oh, I had, I had a woman throw a shoe at me one time. I was, uh, I was doing a gig in, um, Spanish Harlem for this comic Smokey, who's absolutely hilarious. Maybe he had this hilarious bit about a crackhead trying to steal a parrot out of a, out of a pet store, and he would have like the mic under his shirt yelling, "I came in with it, I came in with it." He was fucking hilarious, right? So, um, it was like this weird sort of like, you know, it was, it was like a satellite room, so it wasn't a comedy club. It was almost like, uh, you know, like when those lecture halls with the teachers way down and they go up like that?

• 27:47Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 27:47Speaker 02

  So I was doing the gig, right, and, uh, I'm doing the thing, and I was like, sort of like leaning forward as I was doing this, and this shoe came down, because I got into with this woman, and it hit me like right on my inner thigh. And I immediately was gonna get mad, you know, somebody throws something on stage, but it was, and then, but then there was this tension, because it was an all-black crowd, I'm a white dude, like, what's gonna happen? And, uh, I was able to turn it around, because I looked, you know, I picked up the shoe, and the shoe was, oh my god, it looked like it got dragged down the street by a bus, right? So, it was like, like really quiet in the place. I was like, you know, I was gonna get mad, but then I looked at this shoe, and then they all started laughing.

• 28:27Speaker 02

  And I was like, and I realized, this isn't about me. This is about a childhood of no hugs. I forget what it was. And all I remember was I got everyone to laugh again, and then she came down to the stage to get her shoe.

• 28:40Jason Bateman?

  Wow.

• 28:41Sean Hayes?

  Oh, wow.

• 28:42Speaker 02

  So. I was like, what are we doing? We gonna like hug this out? We gonna hug it out? And she was cool. She came up, we gave a big hug. I gave her her shoe back.

• 28:50Will Arnett?

  Wow.

• 28:51Speaker 02

  And it was so cool. Like a few weeks later, I was riding the downtown six. I was living on the Upper East Side at the time. And I ran into this woman that was at the show. And she was just like, I was at your show and that woman threw the shoe. And she goes, me and my friends are still talking about that. Blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, like, once again, no one knew who I was.

• 29:11Will Arnett?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 29:11Speaker 02

  So those little like moments of validation of like, oh, my God. Like, they went to my show. Not only did they like it, they're talking about it.

• 29:19Will Arnett?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 29:21Speaker 02

  Well, yeah, those are those little things along the way as you keep getting, you know, kicked in the chest to keep you going.

• 29:27Will Arnett?

  I wanted to, Bill, I wanted to ask just about something that you mentioned earlier reminded me. And I, cause I've seen you talk about it before. And I remember talking about somebody asking you if you were nervous about, fuck, I forget what it was, whether it was like Conan.

• 29:39Speaker 02

  Yes, is the answer. Whatever it is.

• 29:41Will Arnett?

  If you were nervous about, no was the answer. About what people, no, it was Bill Maher asking what you would, what your reaction to, what your reaction was to people online and their comments about shit that you said. And I loved what you said at the time, which is like, I don't give a fuck what a hundred people on Twitter say, a bunch of fucking losers. And you kind of went off on a bit of a thing about it.

• 30:03Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 30:03Will Arnett?

  Right? And talk a little bit about that because I remember you, because earlier you were saying it was early on in, probably in social media when you did the show in the Obi and Andy show in Philadelphia. And then you were worried about what it was gonna do online. It'd go viral, blah, blah, blah, blah. Now you don't give a shit about what people say. Is that true? It's kind of what I'm getting at.

• 30:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, I just kind of learned, you know, there was that weird period in stand up where it started with the Me Too movement, which was amazing that it went from like, let's get rapists and sexual assaulters out of the business. And within like 18 months, it became like, hey, I don't like what you're talking about in your stand up act.

• 30:42Will Arnett?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your career's over.

• 30:44Speaker 02

  It just got spun out of control like, so.

• 30:50Speaker 02

  And then that's when people started, I would be doing interviews and they were saying, you know, some of the statements you made last night on stage. It's like, there was no statements. There was no states. Right, right, right. Yeah, and it's, and what I, I would just always say is like, listen, you know, I'm up there joking around, all right? If you make the decision to take what I said seriously, doesn't mean that I now meant it. Right. You know what I mean? So you're free to do that. If that's what you want to do, you're not gonna have a good time. Right. You know what I mean? Like, I was in some, I was in someplace recently and there was a giant river next to the theater, just rushing down the thing. I was like, you know, this is a great city to kill your wife.

• 31:30Speaker 02

  Throw it in and it goes down, you know, they have no idea where she is. Just a stupid thing like that, right? Now, if you go like, and then there's gonna be somebody, you know, my best friend got killed by his husband. It's like, yeah, well, I didn't do it, you know? Yeah. In every city. I'm not saying to do it, I'm being ridiculous. I said that, but I have to explain comedy to you? Like, why would you? Right, I know. Why would you come here?

• 31:51Jason Bateman?

  Do we, do we, do we think that that's over now? Like, yeah, Shawnee, right? I mean, it, I, I, I mean, I guess.

• 31:58Speaker 02

  It never happened. It never happened. It was in, it was in New York and LA, but then as a comedian, you went out on the road. But the problem is, is all of these people that were like, sort of controlling that narrative, sort of sit here in New York or LA and then that's. With their hands on the buttons. Well, that's their universe, yeah. And that's why, like, uh, like, my favorite thing in the world is watching these idiots on award shows lecturing people about race, right? You know, they go up there and they gotta say something about that and homophobia, blah, blah, blah, whatever the fuck they're doing. And you look at Hollywood, they're just now integrating. Like, sports integrated like, almost 80 fucking years ago. Right. And then now they're just getting around to giving more people opportunities. Right.

• 32:39Speaker 02

  And it's, you know, it's like, dude, like, what the fuck, what fucking world are you gonna sit here and, and like, lecture? Yeah. Because what? Oh, you know, Black Lives Matter, you had your Instagram page all black for one day? Wow. Yeah, way to go, yeah. I had to be on the right side of history. I, that's what I love about my people. And I always say my people. I hate when. When, you know, and I was guilty that when white people say white people, it's like, no, it's us. I hate when we fucking do shit like that and we think like that that stupid gesture is still about us. I had to, you guys, I just had to.

• 33:13Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 33:13Speaker 02

  Use my voice to fucking.

• 33:15Will Arnett?

  Right.

• 33:15Speaker 02

  It's like you didn't, you didn't even leave your fucking apartment.

• 33:18Sean Hayes?

  Right, I know, I know. We, we didn't even get into like the, the, like, I don't like, I'm, I'm like Will and Jason, I'm a big fan and I've, you know, wanted you on the show for a couple of years now, because I just, I laugh every time I see you and.

• 33:34Will Arnett?

  Were you supposed to be on, were you supposed to be on the show once and it didn't work out? We had a time.

• 33:38Jason Bateman?

  I know, we've been trying for a while.

• 33:39Speaker 02

  Yeah, I had a meltdown. I couldn't figure it out. So now, now I have a, I have a guy that helps me out.

• 33:43Sean Hayes?

  That's good.

• 33:44Will Arnett?

  All right.

• 33:44Sean Hayes?

  But, um, so you were, you were born in Massachusetts. Your parents were doctors, right? Were your dad or your mom was a dentist?

• 33:50Speaker 02

  No, my, uh, my dad was a dentist, but he's a narcissist, so he thought he was a doctor.

• 33:54Sean Hayes?

  Okay.

• 33:58Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know.

• 34:00Speaker 02

  He also thought I had a stomach ache and it was a ruptured appendix, but that's a different story.

• 34:05Jason Bateman?

  What did mom do?

• 34:07Speaker 02

  She's a nurse.

• 34:08Sean Hayes?

  Okay.

• 34:08Speaker 02

  My mom's a beast. My mom's a beast. CCRN ICU. She had all the letters. And I remember one of the funniest things ever, as far as like a job becomes a job, I was dropping her off at work and we pull in, she just goes, ah, Christ, will you look at all those ambulances? And I just bursted out laughing. She goes, I know, I know, I shouldn't look at it that way. But she was like.

• 34:27Sean Hayes?

  Ah, that's good.

• 34:28Speaker 02

  Yeah, she's, she has, she's, um, I've seen her save a couple of people's lives, like, uh, when they had issues.

• 34:34Sean Hayes?

  I love that. I love that.

• 34:35Speaker 02

  In public. She just like knows what to do. Yeah, someone was having a stroke. And she immediately looked at her watch and all of that stuff and knew that there's, they have this enzyme. Thank God now that they can shoot in and if they do it within some amount of time.

• 34:49Will Arnett?

  Within the first hour.

• 34:50Sean Hayes?

  What do you mean? What do you mean?

• 34:51Will Arnett?

  My, my, I had a family member who just had it six months ago and he got it 58 minutes after having his first symptoms.

• 34:59Sean Hayes?

  Of what?

• 34:59Will Arnett?

  Of having a stroke. And the doctor said, you're fucking lucky that you got it.

• 35:04Jason Bateman?

  What's the symptoms?

• 35:05Speaker 02

  Well, this person there, I was like tearing up. That's what made my mother clock it.

• 35:10Jason Bateman?

  The eye, the eye tears up.

• 35:11Speaker 02

  The eye was tearing up. The person was in like a CVS or something. They, they were trying to get some ointment for like their eye cause it was like tearing up and we happened to be there. So my mother was just like silently like clot, like a fucking like a secret service. Like she was just read like, okay, you know, she just knows that that could be a thing or whatever. And then the person couldn't talk and they just went down. It was fucking scary.

• 35:31Jason Bateman?

  Wow.

• 35:32Speaker 02

  And so, and everyone was like freaking out and she was just like cool as a cucumber. Called the ambulance. They got there and when they showed up, I couldn't, I was just seeing her in action. She like knew what time it started, you know, so they knew. And then they shot the enzyme in and they were, they were able to, to, to break up the clot.

• 35:48Jason Bateman?

  That's pretty cool. Well, so these, these are both serious people, mom and dad. Well, how, how'd they feel about you, uh, taking the right turn into, into comedy?

• 35:58Speaker 02

  Uh, they, no, they would totally support it, but they're also like artists. Like my dad is a, uh, you know, plays a bunch of different instruments, can draw you as you're sitting there. He's amazing at drawing and all of that stuff. And, uh, and then my mother is a stealth artist. Because she grew up in the forties and was left-handed and that meant you were the devil. So they made her right, right-handed. And she's actually a left-handed person. And it sort of became a theme, I think, in my mother's life of like, I wanted this, but they made me do that. And she just, oh, okay. I guess that's what you do. So she's had like this sort of funny, uh, experience with that. And then later in life, she's gotten into like, she's tapped into that side of her, the artistic side, but like.

• 36:42Jason Bateman?

  That's great. I like, that's really cool.

• 36:43Will Arnett?

  So they always encouraged you in the arts and shit when you were growing up?

• 36:48Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. I mean, they did, yeah. They, they, they didn't have any problem with me going into it, but, uh, my mother is like, you know, she's like German midwestern. So like, it took the longest time to get like a compliment, like, it's just like, I, I like, almost like stopped telling her when I was on TV and then I remember, uh, One time I went back to Boston, I did this show at the Comedy Connection when it was in Faneuil Hall, and I just went on, I caught his zone and I just murdered the whole time I was up there. And I got offstage and I remember she just went, "Now that was a good show." And I said, "All right, I finally got her." And then for like the next six years, every show I did, she compared to the Boston one. "That was good. It wasn't like that set you did in Boston." I was like, "Mom, why do you do this?" She goes, "I'm trying

• 37:32Speaker 02

  to make it better. I'm just trying."

• 37:34Sean Hayes?

  And then what were some of the first couple of gigs you had? Did you work at a warehouse or something when you first started, like before you started doing standup or something right out of college?

• 37:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, I did a lot of warehousing. I tried like landscaping stuff, but just being a redhead in the sun, it was just brutal. I tried roofing and stuff. It was just, I was gonna die, I'd be dead of skin cancer by the time I was 20.

• 37:56Jason Bateman?

  You don't strike me as a sort of a flippant or reckless person. So how confident were you that comedy was gonna be a career for you? And did you sort of, you know, protect yourself a bit by studying other things? Or like, was there a plan B?

• 38:15Speaker 02

  Ah, dude, I sucked at everything. Like, I just, I had massive, massive fucking ADD, massive childhood trauma and shit. And like, I was like, yeah, like fucking, I'd get like, I think I first started getting alopecia when I was like 12, just from like fucking stressing, just being in a fight or flight.

• 38:31Sean Hayes?

  I wanna talk about that.

• 38:32Speaker 02

  For shit I'm not gonna get into. Like, people always try to get those stories out of me. I'm like, dude, you're gonna, like, 17 people would have to be dead before I could tell those fucking stories of innocent people.

• 38:42Jason Bateman?

  But there was, but there was no, you say you suck at everything. I don't, I don't believe you. I bet if you wanted to point yourself in a direction, whether it be, well, maybe even medicine. I mean, look at your two parents. So were there brothers or sisters that were carving a path?

• 38:59Speaker 02

  I could show you some report cards that would debunk that theory. No, I, I don't, I was like a fucking cat on a leash, dude. Like, I don't know what it was. Like, everything, I was, I just wanted to, every place I was, I didn't fit in. I just was always outside the thing, looking at it. And I was looking at everybody else and I was trying to do what they were doing. It was like, my, like, it was really an out of body experience most of my childhood. And then I, when I went down to my second show I ever did, it was this long gone comedy club, Stitches Comedy Club.

• 39:35Speaker 02

  And I remember walking in there and there was all of these fucking damaged open micers. And it was the first time I ever felt like I was around the same kind of weird that I was.

• 39:44Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 39:45Speaker 02

  I had found the right nuts to hang out with and like how they viewed the world and how they interacted with it made sense.

• 39:53Sean Hayes?

  And who were some of those guys? Who were some of the guys that we would know that you kind of came up with? Because I'm always fascinated by people who are now famous who hung out with other people who are now famous before you made it.

• 40:04Speaker 02

  Oh, I had a killer group. It was, uh, I came up, let's see, Dane Cook, Patrice O'Neal, uh, Robert Kelly, and then there was this kid who came down from Maine, Bob Marley. That was his real name. He was born in like 67, so that was before Bob Marley made it.

• 40:20Sean Hayes?

  That's funny.

• 40:21Speaker 02

  And everyone was telling me.

• 40:22Will Arnett?

  That was the last year the Leafs won.

• 40:23Speaker 02

  Yeah, oh yeah, that's right. You haven't won since Bob Marley wasn't famous. He was growing his first dreadlock.

• 40:31Will Arnett?

  I can't believe you're fucking, bring everything back. You had to mention 60 fucking seven. It's unbelievable, this fucking guy.

• 40:36Speaker 02

  I love you guys and I don't understand why you hate the Bruins. We have a, we have a mutual.

• 40:42Will Arnett?

  You got a lot of good, a lot of good Canadians, a lot of Canadians who won that cup for you. Hang on, let me ask you, Bill, you talk about your second show. How'd you end up doing your first standup?

• 40:50Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. I think it was a lot of Europeans won that cup for us. You're just assuming that you guys still dominate the league.

• 40:54Will Arnett?

  Well, you had fucking Brad March on and you also had Bergeron was your captain.

• 40:59Speaker 02

  Well, there's two guys.

• 41:00Will Arnett?

  No, I guess Char was your captain at the time. Anyway.

• 41:02Speaker 02

  Oh, that's what the problem is. You guys don't realize you need a team.

• 41:05Will Arnett?

  No, hey, listen, listen, listen.

• 41:08Speaker 02

  Is that why you're never balanced and you buy like three fucking zillion dollar forwards and you have no fucking defense?

• 41:13Will Arnett?

  We drafted, we drafted all those guys. Anyway, except for Tzaveris. Listen, uh, Bill, how did you end up at your first show? How was it that you went, I'm going up tonight to do standup tonight? How did that happen?

• 41:28Speaker 02

  I had to make, I was so walled off and shy that I had to make a New Year's resolution in 1992. I said, at some point this year, I had to get myself a whole fucking year.

• 41:39Will Arnett?

  But were you writing jokes, were you writing jokes before you were like?

• 41:42Speaker 02

  No, no. But prepare? Then I would have to think about what I had to do. I'd be like, I need to write jokes. Oh, look at this can. Oh, let me fucking do something with this. I, uh, no, and like, once I, I made that thing in my head and I was going to Emerson College at that time. And the whole reason I was going to Emerson College, two reasons. One, I had to get a college degree because my parents were professionals and they wanted me to do that. So I was doing that. And then two, it was a performance school. So I went there to get over stage fright. I had real no, like, I majored in mass communications. I didn't, I just majored, I was majoring in volunteering to get in front of fucking people. I, I did radio so I could be on a microphone and talk to people, but I didn't have to see them.

• 42:27Speaker 02

  It was very baby steps. So I made this New Year's resolution and then there was a school paper, I don't know if they still have it there, the Emersonian. And there, there was an ad in the paper. It was this contest at Nick's Comedy Stop. Find Boston's funniest college student, which was just a big sales promotion to get a bunch of drunk kids, college kids in there buying beer, watching their friends bomb. So I signed up, I went home and signed up. It was funny, my parents are into antiques. So they had this Resto mod phone. I was literally like, yeah, hello operator. I'd like to get in the showbiz. It was, you opened it up, it was still a push button phone. And I just called up and I signed up for the contest. And, um, I showed up and I, and I, I went up and did it. It didn't go well.

• 43:11Speaker 02

  It went, it went okay, but.

• 43:13Will Arnett?

  What'd you do? What, what was the first, do you remember? I'm really curious about this. Like you get up on, you do this fucking thing and then you get up on stage and then what?

• 43:21Speaker 02

  Well, it really is the funniest thing to get into because you can't really practice it. You don't, you have no idea how to do it. The only way to learn how to do it is to just go up and do it. So I'm, I do remember sitting down to write jokes for the first time and just staring at the blank page. Like, how do you, I don't even know how to do this. So I just started writing stuff and stories and talking about myself. It was a very, um, self-deprecating set, talking about being a commuter, having no friends, having no girlfriend, basically discussing all the sadness that leads one to start becoming a performer.

• 43:57Will Arnett?

  Right, right, right, right.

• 43:58Speaker 02

  So it was a lot of that and, um, you know, I went up there, I forgot what I was gonna say. I sort of started in the middle of the shit that I could remember and I kinda. Meandered, but I remember getting offstage and I do remember going up to the mic in another like auto body experience, almost like watching myself taking the mic out of the mic stand. And I was just like, this is what I'm doing. I'm doing this for the rest of my life. This is what I'm supposed to be doing.

• 44:22Sean Hayes?

  Wow.

• 44:22Speaker 02

  And the guy who hosted it, Billy Martin, who's now a big shot at the Bill Maher show, he gave me Rita Cho's number. Still remember her. She was fucking hilarious. And she used to make me call up the club. And I'd be like, hey Rita, it's, it's, it's Bill Burr. I wanna, you know, I wanna get some spots. She goes, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's not how you talk to me. You have to say Rita, this is open mic'er Bill Burr. And I just, I thought it was the funniest thing ever.

• 44:52Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 44:53Speaker 02

  I loved it. Cause like that was to me, and also she was in the comedy world and I, I loved that type of affection. Like that was, like, I don't like real affection. Like, hey man, I just wanna say you really mean a lot to me. Like literally my toes start going like that. My sneaker's like, dude, we can't have a real fucking.

• 45:11Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, I get it.

• 45:14Jason Bateman?

  We'll be right back.

• 45:17Sean Hayes?

  Ready for a college degree, but your dog is giving you the side eye while silently judging your life choices? You need to check out Southern New Hampshire University. Their online programs make it possible to earn your degree without sacrificing sleep, sanity, or Scooby snacks. And there's real support from actual humans if you want that. So you can focus on what matters most, your dog. No, your future. Get the degree your dog approves of. Apply today at SNHU.edu/smartless.

• 45:53Sean Hayes?

  You put a lot of love into the things you send during the holidays. It's baked with love, carefully packed with love, or shipped with love right from home. Because what you're sending isn't just what's inside the box. It's the time, thought, and care you put into it. And this holiday season, the United States Postal Service is delivering your love to more addresses in America than anyone else. Send it with love. Send it with USPS, the United States Postal Service. Learn more at USPS.com/holiday.

• 46:34Sean Hayes?

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• 47:19Sean Hayes?

  season.

• 47:24Sean Hayes?

  And now, back to the show.

• 47:27Jason Bateman?

  Hey, real quick, I got an 18-year-old daughter that wants to go to Emerson. Was it great?

• 47:32Speaker 02

  It's fantastic.

• 47:33Jason Bateman?

  Yeah?

• 47:34Speaker 02

  It's fantastic. One of the great things that they had was they had people that went there and were doing well, you know, in show business, and they would come back on a regular basis and they would talk to... I do it. You know, I haven't done it enough. I should do it more. But you come back, and what's great about it, I remember sitting there, looking at these people, they had produced a movie. I forget what the movie was, but it was something that I had seen. And just to see them being like, oh, they were sitting here.

• 47:58Jason Bateman?

  Right.

• 47:58Speaker 02

  And now they're doing that. Like, this is like possible because, you know how this business is? This isn't like, you know, you start in the mailroom and then you work your way up to that. There's like, it's just like this field. You just start running and you don't know, oh, they're running this way, I run over here. And like, you have no idea that there's no...

• 48:15Jason Bateman?

  Squid game.

• 48:15Speaker 02

  Yeah. Exactly.

• 48:16Jason Bateman?

  Squid game.

• 48:17Speaker 02

  People are falling.

• 48:19Jason Bateman?

  Totally squid game.

• 48:20Speaker 02

  Quitting, becoming substitute teachers. You have no idea, like, what the fuck am I doing?

• 48:24Jason Bateman?

  Right.

• 48:24Sean Hayes?

  But then, Bill, what's so impressive is your massive, hugely successful career in stand-up and doing specials and everything. But like, what a great actor you are. F is for family.

• 48:35Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, how are you doing that?

• 48:36Sean Hayes?

  King of Staten Island, and then Mandalorian, which I was like, oh, my God, Bill Burr's on Mandalorian, that was so cool. And then you did Old Dads, which you co-wrote.

• 48:46Speaker 02

  With Ben Tischler, yeah.

• 48:47Sean Hayes?

  Produced, directed, and starred. And I wanted to ask you about Old Dads, because, and I want to ask Jason too this, when you first start directing... I was, I was reading about you, Bill, about, about Old Dads. And when you first start directing and you have to call action for the very first time in your life as a director, it must feel so awkward, like if I, I gotta say it with conviction because if I say action weekly, I won't look like a leader. So I have to kind of, you know what I mean? So isn't that weird to call action for the very first time as a director?

• 49:21Speaker 02

  Uh, yeah, it was.

• 49:23Sean Hayes?

  Cause you've seen it and you've been around it.

• 49:25Speaker 02

  They also said like there was, you know, the first AD was like, do you want me to say action? And then I kind of realized like, oh, is it hacky now for the director to say action? Do I need to have that old big bullhorn and action? You know? So I just deferred that to them. But I do remember like I directed Old Dads not because I wanted to. I never had any desire. Once again, my fucking ADD and everything. Like I was just like, I don't want to, you know, let me just do, you know, I don't give a fuck, dude. Give me a line read. Whatever I have to do to get through the fucking day. I don't care. Right? So I knew I was in trouble directing. And this is how what happened was we were coming out of COVID. So everybody was committed to all of these projects that they didn't do plus

• 50:10Speaker 02

  what they were going to do the next year. So no one was available. So then the start talking going, well, Bill, you wrote this movie. I go, no, I didn't. I wrote it with Ben Tischler. Yeah, but it's your vo- no, no, no. And they kept trying to, they were backing me into a corner. And then they go, well, I mean, it's getting, you know, it's getting late. It's going to go away. And I just said, all right, fine. I'll do it. And I don't remember 2022 after that. And this is when I knew I was in trouble was I was talking to the, to the set dresser, whatever. I never know what the names of the jobs are. The person that puts all the stuff in the room, right? They go, they go, they go.

• 50:46Sean Hayes?

  That guy. Yeah.

• 50:47Speaker 02

  Yeah, that person. And yeah, and I'm Dancing Monkey. I have different names for the jobs, but they know what I'm talking about. So she goes, okay, this scene is, it's a backyard barbecue scene. Are we thinking paper plates? Are we thinking? I was like, yeah, yeah, paper plates. And she goes, what kind of paper plates?

• 51:04Sean Hayes?

  Oh, God.

• 51:05Speaker 02

  And I was like, oh, fuck.

• 51:07Sean Hayes?

  Right.

• 51:08Speaker 02

  So it's to this level and then I started thinking, oh, there's directors out there that that choose a color palette. That they I'm just weighing over my head. So the reality of old dads.

• 51:19Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 51:19Speaker 02

  Is Ben Tischler co-directed with me. So he had my back.

• 51:25Jason Bateman?

  Okay.

• 51:25Speaker 02

  And Monica Levinson, there was a lot. I had a ton of help and but the thing was with that thing. Was I knew I knew how to write jokes and Ben knew how to write structure. So we had this scene there and it's like. I wasn't trying to be Stanley Kubrick. So I was just trying to make you laugh. So it wasn't like.

• 51:44Jason Bateman?

  Right. I've asked every stand up comic that does some acting the same question. Uh, how do you like the process of because as a stand up, you come first and then you write words to fit you. As an actor, it's the exact opposite process. Do you do you enjoy that? Or is it torture to you to like have to fit a bunch of words in a character that pre exists?

• 52:06Speaker 02

  No, no, I love it. I also um. I like I'm envious of the uh, the collaboration.

• 52:16Speaker 02

  You know what I mean?

• 52:17Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 52:18Speaker 02

  Will knows this. He's been out on the ice with me. I'd rather get an assist than the goal, you know? I put it right on the fucking tape and what does he do? He shoots it over the crossbar just like every bum on his team.

• 52:28Will Arnett?

  Not this guy. Jesus Christ, bruh.

• 52:31Speaker 02

  No, I really like um, I've been. My acting career, which is funny is I what I always say is I've paratrooped into some of the best stuff. And only for a couple of episodes. And people have like this idea. Of me, yeah, that I that I have this way bigger acting thing than I do. And it's like. I only did a couple of episodes of Breaking Bad.

• 52:54Will Arnett?

  Yeah, but.

• 52:54Speaker 02

  A couple of episodes.

• 52:55Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 52:56Speaker 02

  A couple of episodes of Chappelle, Man of Glory. I've like paratrooped into these.

• 53:00Jason Bateman?

  You do. You do enjoy it. Not as much as a stand up, but yeah.

• 53:04Speaker 02

  No, no, I absolutely love it. Like I got a I have an acting gig coming up next year in next month in New York. Uh, doing Broadway for the first time. I'm doing.

• 53:12Jason Bateman?

  Glenn Gary Glenn Ross.

• 53:13Speaker 02

  Glenn Gary Glenn Ross, so.

• 53:14Jason Bateman?

  Oh, wow. No way. Yeah, with Kieran Culkin and who else?

• 53:18Speaker 02

  Oh, fuck dude. Golden Globe, Bob Odenkirk, Michael McKean.

• 53:21Jason Bateman?

  Oh, man, I want to be in that.

• 53:23Speaker 02

  Better Call Saul, Breaking Bad there. I got a little bit of uh, Succession in there.

• 53:26Jason Bateman?

  That's right. I'm gonna see that. When does that open?

• 53:29Speaker 02

  I think March 10th.

• 53:31Jason Bateman?

  Okay. You're excited about that? Is that your first play?

• 53:34Speaker 02

  Yeah. Yeah, never did it, so.

• 53:36Sean Hayes?

  How long you doing it? Do you know how long you're doing it?

• 53:38Will Arnett?

  How long and who's directing?

• 53:40Jason Bateman?

  How long you doing it?

• 53:41Speaker 02

  I'm doing it until the end of June, I believe.

• 53:45Sean Hayes?

  So March, April, May, June. Oh, that's nothing.

• 53:48Speaker 02

  That's like, yeah, 16 weeks or whatever, but uh.

• 53:51Jason Bateman?

  What about directing? You think you'll ever direct again?

• 53:54Speaker 02

  I'm slated to direct the next one I just wrote with Ben.

• 53:57Jason Bateman?

  Yeah?

• 53:58Speaker 02

  After in 2022 going, I'm never doing this again, but like, I don't know, like, we kind of, it's like, uh, I always joke, I go, we're like the comedian, uh, you know, and I'm not saying we're anywhere near them, but like comedian Coen brother type of things. If it says produced by Ben Tish, so know that he was directing to.

• 54:13Will Arnett?

  Listen to this guy says he's like a Coen brother over here.

• 54:16Speaker 02

  I just went through all of their movies. I just went through all of their, all of the movies that I hadn't seen.

• 54:21Jason Bateman?

  Aren't they incredible? I mean, these guys are just, I miss them.

• 54:24Speaker 02

  You know what's a great, a great one? Uh, here's one to watch with, uh, uh, uh, your wife, your lady friend, your life partner, Sean.

• 54:32Sean Hayes?

  Thank you. Thank you, Dad.

• 54:35Speaker 02

  Paris, je t'aime. Paris, je t'aime is something that they just produced and it's a series of like 20, 10 minute short films about love in Paris and all different like, you know, people finding love, people getting divorces, tragic, funny. It was such a surprise, amazing movie.

• 54:53Jason Bateman?

  That's French for, um, Paris, I love you. Okay?

• 54:56Speaker 02

  Paris, je t'aime.

• 54:56Will Arnett?

  Wow.

• 54:57Jason Bateman?

  Okay, well.

• 54:58Speaker 02

  Parce que tu es très gentil, Paris.

• 55:00Jason Bateman?

  One cigarette.

• 55:01Will Arnett?

  Oh, parce qu'il est.

• 55:02Jason Bateman?

  One coffee.

• 55:03Will Arnett?

  Non, parce que je suis pas français et lui, il connaît ça, alors c'est, c'est.

• 55:09Sean Hayes?

  Billy, so you, so the Monday morning podcast, you started in 2007.

• 55:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 55:15Sean Hayes?

  And you're still doing it. What?

• 55:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 55:18Jason Bateman?

  So wait, is this, is this is pre-Dax Shepard? Is post-Marc Maron af, or pre-Dax Shepard?

• 55:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, I don't know.

• 55:26Sean Hayes?

  In the podcast.

• 55:27Will Arnett?

  Sorry for the way that he marks years.

• 55:32Speaker 02

  I didn't know we were gonna do a deep dive into the history of podcasting.

• 55:35Sean Hayes?

  No, but I mean, we don't have to, but it's like, wow, I mean, you've been doing it before it was a thing.

• 55:40Speaker 02

  I was doing it when I used to call in a service on a flip phone.

• 55:44Sean Hayes?

  Wow.

• 55:45Speaker 02

  And I used to be, and that was my first podcasts were only like five, six minutes. It was, it started off with, it was on the MySpace page and you would post it and I was over,

• 55:57Speaker 02

  Bobby Kelly's apartment once again. And we were both living near each other in New York at the time and he was the one, he goes, dude, you know, dude, it's a, it's a way to connect with your fans, dude. He says, you know, he says, do it a lot, right? And I was like, all right. So then I just started doing them and I liked it. And it's been this amazing exercise for me because I don't have guests really. So I just sort of babble and then answer questions and stuff and it grew to 10 minutes to 20 minutes. The same way you build like a stand-up act. And now I can just by myself sort of talk for an hour. So like when I shoot a special, going out and trying to like, you know, come up with a whole new hour is, is, is a lot easier for me.

• 56:40Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 56:41Speaker 02

  I feel because of, of doing that because I'm not, I'm just, I can, I can go into flow mode.

• 56:47Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, I got it.

• 56:48Will Arnett?

  Do you, do you?

• 56:50Speaker 02

  Sorry, Sean, was that painful for you?

• 56:51Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 56:53Will Arnett?

  I know.

• 56:54Speaker 02

  Price with your process.

• 56:58Will Arnett?

  Bill, do you, do you, do you find yourself doing the, doing the podcast and you, you say something or like something happens, like a joke comes out of it and then you, you integrate it into your special? Is that what you're saying?

• 57:08Speaker 02

  I never used to do that, but lately, lately I have been because the rule is basically if I do it on the podcast, I'm not doing it on the show. But if I feel like it's like, you know, I just waded into the water and it's going to go a lot deeper than that.

• 57:25Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 57:26Speaker 02

  Like, um, you know, I had like a dad moment with my two kids. That was, you know, it was, it just worked out perfectly. How do I do this? Like, because I don't want to do the bit, but it was basically, my son wasn't listening to my daughter. And then she was mad at him and she wanted to get him back and I gave her the green light to do it. And then she did it like a woman, like, it was diabolical. It was fucking amazing. And I was just like, holy shit, like, wow, that is a, that is a female brain in there, because I never would have thought, you know, guys are, "Dude, I'm gonna punch you in the face." Like, they, like, they pitch story and they fucking come up with something and they just put maximum.

• 58:09Sean Hayes?

  How old are your kids?

• 58:10Speaker 02

  Pain and suffering, uh, seven and four, soon to be eight.

• 58:13Sean Hayes?

  Oh, how fun.

• 58:14Speaker 02

  Oh yeah, my son's hilarious. His new thing is he'd be like, when he gets mad at me, he goes, he goes, "That's it, Dad." He goes, he goes, he goes, "You're going to jail. I'm calling Kojak." Because he has an old dad and we watch Kojak. And he loves Kojak. And one of my favorite, like, I don't know if you guys had this with kids, when you realize how much you're gonna be friends with them for your whole life? I was sitting on the couch when my son was three and we're watching Kojak, right? So it's an old school cop show. So basically, anybody who isn't white is running down an alley with a knife, you know what I mean? So it's like this 20-year-old Puerto Rican actor in like the prime of his life, and he's sprinting down this alley and he's getting chased by the character Stavos, who's Telly Savalas's real brother.

• 58:57Speaker 02

  And he has a full head of curly hair and he's fat. He looks like a fucking weevil. And he's chasing this shredded Latino kid. So they show the Latino kid flies down the fucking alley like an Olympian. And then Stavos in his loafers is running by. And my son is just watching Stavos running. Then he just goes, three years old, he just goes,

• 59:18Speaker 02

  and I looked at him and I started laughing. We both just started cracking up and I was like, "Oh my God, that's it. We're gonna smoke cigars. I'm in, I'm in with this dude."

• 59:27Sean Hayes?

  That is great.

• 59:28Speaker 02

  Yeah, so, well, Billy, that's, it's so nice to meet you. We've taken way too much of your time. I know you gotta go, you got a gig tonight, blah, blah, blah. Listen, don't put your schedule on me. I was, I was ready to fucking put my...

• 59:39Sean Hayes?

  It's too late. I always do. Um, but I didn't get to talk about...

• 59:41Speaker 02

  Listen, Bill, I know you got a personal chef who's just made you a fucking egg salad sandwich, no bread.

• 59:49Sean Hayes?

  Exactly. You can smell it from here.

• 59:51Speaker 02

  Hey, before I go, Sean, when you did that, that Jerry Lewis, that was one of my favorite things.

• 59:55Sean Hayes?

  Oh, thanks, man.

• 59:56Speaker 02

  I thought you nailed that.

• 59:57Sean Hayes?

  Thank you very much.

• 59:58Speaker 02

  And obviously Ozark was one of my favorite shows and Will, I got, I got nothing.

• 1:00:03Will Arnett?

  Here we go, here we go. I knew it, I knew it.

• 1:00:05Speaker 02

  No, no, no. I will say, I'll tell you what, being a dad, Lego Batman.

• 1:00:10Sean Hayes?

  Bingo.

• 1:00:10Speaker 02

  Fucking amazing. Barbara. It's fucking amazing.

• 1:00:14Will Arnett?

  Thank you, thank you, Bill.

• 1:00:15Speaker 02

  Fucking amazing.

• 1:00:16Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, well, Bill, you're the king. You were very nice to do.

• 1:00:19Speaker 02

  It makes the kids laugh. No, you guys are gonna take your fucking compliments.

• 1:00:23Sean Hayes?

  Well, thank you for doing this. It's very, very nice of you.

• 1:00:26Will Arnett?

  Thank you, Bill.

• 1:00:27Speaker 02

  Thank you, guys, for having me.

• 1:00:29Will Arnett?

  We love you, Bill. Despite everything, we love you.

• 1:00:32Speaker 02

  I'll see you down at the showbiz commissary at some point, all right?

• 1:00:35Will Arnett?

  Exactly.

• 1:00:37Speaker 02

  All right, guys.

• 1:00:38Sean Hayes?

  Nice to meet you, Bill.

• 1:00:39Speaker 02

  All right, nice to meet you guys, too.

• 1:00:40Sean Hayes?

  See you, buddy.

• 1:00:41Speaker 02

  Nice to meet you, Sean. I met you before, Will, you know.

• 1:00:44Will Arnett?

  Yeah, I know.

• 1:00:44Speaker 02

  We've had our moments. All right, okay. Bye-bye.

• 1:00:46Will Arnett?

  We had our moments. Goodbye.

• 1:00:51Sean Hayes?

  Super fun.

• 1:00:51Will Arnett?

  Bill Burr.

• 1:00:52Sean Hayes?

  Super fun. Super. Now, we've been trying to boat that fish for a while. I think he's been on all of our lists, I'll bet you.

• 1:00:58Will Arnett?

  Yeah, he has. And then he was gonna be on, I knew he was gonna be on at one point, because I think I, I forget how I knew that. And I wanted to have him on, and I've known him for a long time. And I really do love the guy, even though it seems like we're enemies.

• 1:01:11Sean Hayes?

  He's hilarious. I wanna act with him. Yeah, he's, he's really good. I bet he's fun on set.

• 1:01:16Will Arnett?

  Oh, I wanna act with somebody.

• 1:01:21Sean Hayes?

  What was that, Whitney? Is that Whitney Houston?

• 1:01:23Speaker 02

  That is Whitney Houston, yeah.

• 1:01:24Sean Hayes?

  Jay, you never answered the question. I wanna know what that was, because last night I was thinking about it. Isn't it a weird thing to call action for the very first time in your life, because you've only heard it?

• 1:01:32Will Arnett?

  I actually do remember that moment. Yeah, try it, try it as a young punk at 18, talking to a bunch of adults. Yeah, it was terrifying. Yeah, I was so, I just felt like such a fraud. Still do.

• 1:01:44Sean Hayes?

  No, you're brilliant. So, so he was great. I love him. I've been a fan for a long time.

• 1:01:51Will Arnett?

  I did see, no, I realized why he lashed out to me. I did see him at Albert Hall, and he was fucking great. He was awesome. He absolutely destroyed. And he shot a special from there, and he destroyed, and, but he can't. He has a tough time taking a compliment. He's got a lot of issues that are great.

• 1:02:08Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, he seems like a good dude.

• 1:02:09Will Arnett?

  He's a funny, funny, funny dude. He's one of the, he's, again, he falls in that category of just like, he has no choice. He's naturally funny.

• 1:02:17Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:17Will Arnett?

  He's just, he's just funny.

• 1:02:19Sean Hayes?

  What are you guys gonna do the rest of the day?

• 1:02:21Jason Bateman?

  Uh, I've got a sign language lesson today.

• 1:02:24Sean Hayes?

  Oh, for?

• 1:02:25Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, this job I've got coming up, I gotta do a little bit of sign language. So I have to learn how to speak with my hands.

• 1:02:31Sean Hayes?

  Wait, that was Black Rabbit, too, with that guy, that character.

• 1:02:34Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, but my character didn't have to do it. But in this, this thing coming up, I gotta do a couple of scenes in sign language.

• 1:02:39Will Arnett?

  Do you know what this means?

• 1:02:40Jason Bateman?

  And apparently, I need, that's a fuck you. Now, Will, um, uh, apparently I only need 15 hours of, uh, of, of, you know, based on what little I have to do.

• 1:02:51Will Arnett?

  Do the bare minimum.

• 1:02:52Sean Hayes?

  Does that include portal to portal, or?

• 1:02:54Jason Bateman?

  Oh, yeah, exactly. But I'm so curious, because it's obviously, it's not word for word or verbatim. Um, I'm so curious to learn just this first hour of what it, because it's kind of paraphrasing and general, general words, I guess. Um, I'll, I'll report back.

• 1:03:11Sean Hayes?

  What is, um, what is this in sign language?

• 1:03:14Jason Bateman?

  Oh, that's bye.

• 1:03:16Sean Hayes?

  Bye.

• 1:03:17Jason Bateman?

  Bye. That's one of my favorites. That's nice, Shawnee.

• 1:03:51Speaker 04

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  and toes. Common side effect is nausea. For full prescribing information, call 1-833-4-NURTC or visit Nurtac.com. All right, back to your podcast, playlist, or whatever's keeping you going today.

• 1:04:51Sean Hayes?

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