Top 3 Signs of Emotional Immaturity

Let’s talk about emotional immaturity—because spotting it early can save you a whole lot of pain. In this episode, I’m breaking down three clear signs that someone’s not ready to handle their emotions like an adult. From causing scenes in public to taking everything personal, and going straight for the low-blow insults—these are major red flags. Thank you to our sponsors: Cozy Earth. Upgrade Your Every Day. Get 40% off at cozyearth.com/jefferson or use code JEFFERSON at check out. LMNT. Head to drinkLMNT.com/jefferson to try risk free. BetterHelp. Click https://betterhelp.com/jeffersonfisher for a discount on your first month of therapy. Order my new book, The Next Conversation, or listen to the full audiobook today. Like what you hear? Don’t forget to subscribe and leave a 5-star review! Suggest a topic or ask a question for me to answer on the show! Want a FREE communication tip each week? Click here to join my newsletter. Join My School of Communication Watch my podcast on YouTube Follow me on Instagram Follow me on TikTok Follow me on LinkedIn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Football has a play for just about everything. You can go deep, keep it on the ground, or draw up something nobody sees coming. And whether you want to run a flea flicker or the tush push, you need a plan to fit your unique situation. That's why State Farm takes the time to get to know you so they can help personalize coverage for your life and budget. Now that's a solid game plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.

• 0:29Jefferson Fisher?

  Stop right now before you go into your next relationship, or if you're in one right now, if you want to save yourself a lot of grief and a lot of heartache, I want you to know right away, there are three signs that are going to let you know if somebody is emotionally immature. This is the Jefferson Fisher Podcast. Wherever you're listening, I'm going to ask that you find the word subscribe or a like or a heart and click it. It's not a forever thing, but what it does is it tells whatever platform you're listening to that this is good content. And that's my promise to you to continue to deliver good content and make you a better communicator. So, thank you. Before we keep going, this episode is brought to you by Cozy Earth. One thing that I love about Cozy Earth is their bed sheets and their bath towels.

• 1:13Jefferson Fisher?

  I am officially at the age where I really care about that kind of stuff. I care a lot about what I'm sleeping in and when I'm traveling, it's, there's nothing worse than knowing that that's not your bed. It's not how it feels, the sheets aren't great. I've never had to worry about that with Cozy Earth. Once we put them on our bed sheets at home, on every single bed, it's been a game changer. So if you're like me and you enjoy having cool cozy sheets, I'm going to encourage you to go to cozyearth.com/jefferson for 40% off. That's an entire 40% off, y'all. Cozyearth.com/jefferson. Use the code Jefferson. That's the key. Use the code Jefferson for 40% off. They have a 100 night risk-free trial. So what's stopping you? Go to Cozy Earth. And now back to the episode. All right, let's get down to it.

• 1:58Jefferson Fisher?

  There's nothing worse than being around somebody or being with somebody. Who is emotionally immature. They can't handle these emotions. If you're thinking of somebody right now, it comes to mind, just nod your head with me. Nod your head. Mm hmm. Yep, I know somebody exactly like this. I'm going to give you some signs that's going to make it very clear to you that this person is not only lacking in emotional intelligence, emotional depth, they are lacking in emotional maturity. And that is a big red flag for you. Are you ready? Number one, they have an argument in all the wrong places. They have no problem causing a scene wherever they go. That is a problem.

• 2:43Jefferson Fisher?

  If you're at dinner with somebody and they start an argument and all of a sudden you're like, okay, well, we can talk about this later. And they're like, no, we're going to talk about this right now. In fact, I'm going to be so loud that everybody needs to know. Everybody needs to know how you're treating me. And all of a sudden they're playing the victim and you're going, wait, wait, can we please not do this right now? Or the type of people that get in arguments in the line at the grocery store or at dinner or in public places or in front of other people. And you're going, hey, this is not that big of a deal. Can we, can we address this later? Can we address this like adults and just talk about this and say, hey, we're going to, we're going to table this and we'll address this later? No, they can't deal with it. They don't have that capacity. They don't have that bandwidth. They do not have the what? Emotional maturity to be able to regulate the emotions that they're feeling. So they have to have it out right then.

• 3:27Jefferson Fisher?

  It's like the kid, you've seen those kids in the, I mean, we've all been one of them. That was in the grocery store line. And there's the rose of candy right before you check out. And they just absolutely have a fit or, or have a fit anywhere in the store that they are not getting their way right in that moment. And they need to let everybody else know that there's an injustice. Now, don't come at me and say, well, there's all kinds of reasons kids can be behaving that way. Yes, of course I know that. I'm just using that as a metaphor. There are people, okay, that don't have the ability to regulate their emotions because they just have not reached the point in their life yet of being able to. Express them in a mature way and saying, okay, how about instead of me lashing out and having an argument and making a big show? You know exactly the type of person I'm talking about.

• 4:10Jefferson Fisher?

  These are the people that cause a scene. They love the drama. Drama makes them feel important. Drama is how they relate to the world. That is a big red flag. Don't get involved with it. The point is, they don't have any impulse control. That's, that's the takeaway. Zero impulse control. They will have an argument wherever you are. Why? Because they do not have the ability to control the impulse. And it's a sign of no emotional maturity. Number two, they take anything that you say personally and anything they say as a joke, as a joke, not to be considered serious. But if you were to say it, oh, it's World War III. It's terrible.

• 4:54Jefferson Fisher?

  It's how could you dare say something like that? But they could say the same thing and go, I was just joking. Hey, don't be so sensitive. You know what that is? That's an imbalance. The, it's a skewed version of reality. To say that everything I do is just fine. I don't mean it, of course. Why would you take it personally? But if you say to them, oh, my goodness, it couldn't be any, any more harm done. Have you ever had those kinds of conversations with people? That they're talking about maybe somebody else to try to gossip in some way? And they start rehashing a story about, I can't believe that she did this or he did this. And you're thinking, this doesn't feel that bad of a thing. I mean, I really, and you actually try to be the reasonable person in the conversation? And you're like, well, maybe they're just, you know, having a bad day.

• 5:38Jefferson Fisher?

  And, and they almost get offended that you don't take their side immediately. Instead of having the wherewithal, the emotional maturity to go, ah, maybe you're right. Maybe I need to just think about this in a different way. They, oh, I mean, oh, is you're just taking their side? Oh, okay. And then they continue to just spiral you into it. It's because they have this skewed, the skewed version. They're not able to see things clearly. They're always seeing it from a hill. Everything is a slope to them and everything slopes their way. It's the most infuriating thing. They can dish it out, they can't take it. They can dish it out, they can give it all away. They can say what they want to say, doesn't matter, no consequence. I'm just joking, don't be so sensitive. But if you say it, they cannot take it.

• 6:23Jefferson Fisher?

  It is a sign of an imbalance. They're not able to regulate those emotions. They're not able to control it. It is a big red flag of lacking emotional maturity. So watch out for it. Again, there's, and I want to make this distinction. We can all can be this person. All right. We all can be this person where I'm in a mood that, yeah, look, I can say it, but if you say it back, I'm, I can't take it. There's times that everybody's like that. I'm talking, this is a repeatable pattern. I think that's what a pattern is. It repeats, right? So this is, let's just say a pattern, a pattern that continues to exhibit signs of

• 7:04Jefferson Fisher?

  not being able to regulate the emotion, of being able to see two sides of a different coin, to be able to see both sides of an argument, the ability to go, huh, yeah, I guess I could see it that way. I can see how they could say that. They don't have that ability. They do not have, along with the impulse control, they do not have the ability to step outside themselves and see that their words could have the same kind of effect that they feel. They can't do that. Now, before we keep going, I want to take a second to tell you about Element. And here's the truth. When I'm feeling off, maybe I'm feeling sluggish, brain fog, you name it, it's almost always because I'm not hydrated. Maybe like you, I tend to go for something else,

• 7:46Jefferson Fisher?

  like iced coffee, maybe any coffee, anything but water. And it definitely has an effect on my behavior. Usually if I have like a headache, or maybe I'm not, I'm in a grumpy mood. It's typically because I'm not hydrated. Element has fixed all of that. It's nothing but a little bitty packet that you can rip off, put into your water. It's potassium, magnesium, sodium, and they have all different flavors that are great. My favorite is lemon salt. It's cold, it's salty, it tastes like lemonade, and it's exactly what I need. So if you're like me and you need a little bit more hydration, I want you to go to drinklmnt.com/jefferson,

• 8:24Jefferson Fisher?

  and you'll get a free sample pack with your order. No risk, no gimmicks. Drinklmnt.com/jefferson. Element. Hydration without compromise. And now, back to the episode. And number three, they go to calling you names and insulting you on a personal level. Right? These are what they call character attacks. Where rather than describing the behavior of what happened, they go to insulting you. They quickly go to just insulting you, your character. So let me give you an example. If you say something mean to me. Let's say you say something mean. I don't know. Imagine it in your mind. Don't make it too mean. Right? But just imagine it.

• 9:09Jefferson Fisher?

  And while I'm talking to you, I, instead of me going, you know, when you said that, that really upset me. And those kind of words really make me feel, again, I'm what I'm describing the behavior, what you said. People with emotional immaturity go straight to name-calling you. You jerk, you idiot. How could you be such an idiot? Oh, my gosh, you're so stupid. They, you're just like your mom. You're just like your dad. Oh, my gosh, this is just like you. You're such a liar. Oh, my, and they color you. They paint you in a particular light. Personal attacks, character attacks. Let me tell you this. It is very lazy arguing.

• 9:52Jefferson Fisher?

  It is a lazy way to disagree. What it's telling you when somebody is personally attacking your character. It means they have not only no impulse control, not only do they have the inability to regulate their emotions. It means that they have no other argument left. They, there's no logic for them. They have no other point. So they have to go to what? The lowest hanging fruit. They go straight to the bottom. Where it's, I don't have anything else to say. I'm just gonna say, I don't like you. You know what? I don't like your face. Like they, they have nothing left, so it's just an insult. That's where they're going. It's a sign of emotional immaturity. You see this in kids. You see this in teenagers. What do people do? I mean, junior high can be the worst.

• 10:38Jefferson Fisher?

  Why? Because they're not arguing and characterizing behaviors. They're characterizing you.

• 10:45Jefferson Fisher?

  They're insulting your face, your looks, everything about you. They're calling you dumb, talking about your intelligence. It's usually a major sign when somebody in arguing is going straight to insulting your intelligence, saying you're stupid, you're dumb, you're an idiot, you're worthless, you're lazy. All of those kinds of insults was a personal attacks. Those are personal attacks that are not only incredibly hurtful, right? It is lazy arguing. It means they do not have the ability to reason. It means they do not have the ability to add logic and create an argument and to advocate and persuade. They don't have that ability, alright? You're not going to find a podcast that I'm on that says, "How to make somebody have emotional

• 11:29Jefferson Fisher?

  maturity." It doesn't work that way. There's nothing I can do. There's nothing you can say. It is all within them and their own life experience. That's why a lot of the times when you're talking to these people, and maybe you're in a relationship with this person, and you find out later, they really don't have emotional maturity. It ties to things that happened in their childhood that they never grew out of. People enabled that kind of behavior. Why? Because they always got what they wanted. They always got what they wanted. Huge number three, red flag of emotional immaturity, is that they immediately or quickly go to insults and personal attacks. Don't put up with it, and don't be in a relationship with these kinds of people, right?

• 12:12Jefferson Fisher?

  So, what are the three signs that somebody is emotionally immature? Number one, they have zero impulse control. They have an argument wherever they are. Wherever they are, regardless of who's watching, and if it's the appropriate time. They'll have an argument at a funeral and a wedding. It doesn't matter to them. Drama, they love to collect it. Number two, they take anything you say personally, as if like, "How can you dare say that?" And anything they say is not that serious. It's just a joke, just kidding. They don't have the ability to balance it out and be able to reason both sides of it. And number three, one of the biggest red flags of all is they quickly go to insulting you, your character, and your intelligence. Do not put up with these people. So, what's the takeaway here, Jefferson?

• 12:57Jefferson Fisher?

  I have lots of different stuff in my podcasts, in my content, and in my book, The Next Conversation, about how to deal with these kinds of people, and the other little behaviors that they exhibit. Biggest thing is, you have to be able to first identify these signs, right? I'm going to talk to you later. I'm going to make another episode on how do you handle the people that are emotionally immature? What do you do about it? How do you respond to them? Again, we can't control what they're doing. But the takeaway here for this episode is, I want you to be able to identify. I know the question you're asking right now is, okay, Jefferson, got it. How do I deal with them? I'm going to make another episode for that. I first need you to really have a very strong awareness

• 13:41Jefferson Fisher?

  and sense of, okay, I'm hearing that they're immediately going to personal attacks. I can tell they're not having emotional maturity. They're not there. They don't have the bandwidth, right? You need to be able to identify that first, then take it to step two. So I'm getting you there. I need you to, I need you to trust me. We're getting there. All right. Three signs of people being emotionally immature. Go out and do good things and use your words for all the good in the world. As always, you can try that and follow me.

• 14:13Speaker 00

  This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Football has a play for just about everything. You can go deep, keep it on the ground, or draw up something nobody sees coming. And whether you want to run a flea flicker or the tush push, you need a plan to fit your unique situation. That's why State Farm takes the time to get to know you, so they can help personalize coverage for your life and budget. Now that's a solid game plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.