Rob Thomas asks about extravagant indulgences

Certified rockstar Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20 asks Handsome to name the over-the-top indulgences their younger selves would never have dreamed of... but we know it's the simple things in life that are best-- like a new episode of Handsome! Plus bush maintenance, "going nonverbal" before hitting the tub, and Tig's dainty kitchen hands! Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.com http://handsomepod.com/Watch Handsome on YouTube http://youtube.com/@handsomepodThis is a Headgum https://headgum.com/ podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter https://x.com/headgum, Instagram https://www.instagram.com/headgum/, and Tiktok https://www.tiktok.com/@headgum. Advertise on Handsome https://gumball.fm/shows/handsome via Gumball.fm http://gumball.fm/. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  This is a HeadGum Podcast.

• 0:04Mae Martin?

  Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking whether I brought my sunglasses before driving west at the end of the day? A learning moment. I'm gaining confidence in my driving, but it helps when I'm not blinded by the sun beaming directly into my eyeballs.

• 0:17Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, checking first is handsome, so check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 0:34Mae Martin?

  Handsome is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-in-one platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online with a handy, handsome website you can be proud of and show off to all your friends, clients, and loved ones. With Squarespace, you can scale up your business, claim your domain, and showcase your offerings with a premium, professional website. With Squarespace's cutting-edge design tools, you can build a gorgeous online presence that perfectly fits your brand or business. Their SEO tools help your ideal audience find you. Since every dream needs a domain, Squarespace makes it easy to find the best name for your business at one fair, all-inclusive price. No hidden fees, no required add-ons. Squarespace offers countless extras like built-in donation tools for fundraising, and online payments and invoicing to help you get paid on time.

• 1:18Mae Martin?

  Squarespace makes it easy. So easy, we even made a handsome website ourselves in less than 20 minutes. So what are you waiting for? Get started on your dream website today. Head to Squarespace.com/handsome for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code HANSOME to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

• 1:48Tig Notaro?

  Cheers. Welcome to the Handsome Pod. I'm Fortune Feimster.

• 1:53Mae Martin?

  And I'm Mae Martin.

• 1:55Tig Notaro?

  And I am Tig Notaro. And we're together on Zoom. Yay. Yeah, if you follow us on YouTube, go look, and we're all in separate places.

• 2:07Mae Martin?

  Yeah, sadly, but all connected spiritually, as I always like to remind us all.

• 2:12Tig Notaro?

  I don't have my fake plant with me right now. Does that feel weird to you guys? Little bit, yeah. But what feels weirder?

• 2:22Tig Notaro?

  Because I feel like May has tidied up a little bit behind.

• 2:26Mae Martin?

  Thank you.

• 2:27Tig Notaro?

  Is that, are those all of your Grammys, Emmys, Oscars?

• 2:32Mae Martin?

  What am I saying? All my Oscars and Grammys. Yeah, I'm trying to get my, my place organized. I'm gonna, the next step is, I don't know if you can see that crumpled gray pile.

• 2:41Tig Notaro?

  I see a lump of something.

• 2:42Mae Martin?

  Yeah, that's gonna be, those are curtains for that window. So soon, the window behind me, which is always a source of anxiety because people walk by and it's.

• 2:51Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. And so what will it take for you to lift the curtains up and put them up there?

• 2:56Mae Martin?

  Well, I haven't, so.

• 2:58Tig Notaro?

  Lift them up. Lift them up and hang them.

• 3:01Mae Martin?

  You know what I always think? Like when I have a task to complete, I imagine in, in a movie, you'd have a montage of me doing that task. But my, my montage would be like, starting the task, then sleeping, then doing a bunch of other, my montage would go on for like.

• 3:15Tig Notaro?

  Caught in the curtains.

• 3:16Mae Martin?

  Yes. And it would be like a two week, a two week montage for one small task. Yeah. I started, I drilled into the wall. Immediately hit metal.

• 3:25Tig Notaro?

  Ooh, metal.

• 3:26Mae Martin?

  I hit metal, wouldn't go, wouldn't go in. And I thought, I guess I can't drill there. Went three inches above it, started. And I was like, what am I doing? Hit the metal again. So I don't know if.

• 3:36Fortune Feimster?

  You gotta go to the other side. Don't go up.

• 3:39Mae Martin?

  Oh.

• 3:40Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. I mean, there might be some kind of, there might be something, um, long ways.

• 3:45Mae Martin?

  Yeah, something long ways.

• 3:47Tig Notaro?

  I would love to see you both going in like as a, as a company.

• 3:52Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 3:53Tig Notaro?

  May, you can't, like, can't go up. We gotta go long ways.

• 3:57Fortune Feimster?

  May, we go long ways. People would be in trouble if I was in charge of this, uh, task.

• 4:02Mae Martin?

  Do you think like, so imagine we, the three of us are given all of the materials to build a house. Like, how could we, could we, what would we come up with?

• 4:13Fortune Feimster?

  Mine's not getting done.

• 4:14Mae Martin?

  I think you'll get something done, but it might be, it might be.

• 4:17Fortune Feimster?

  Not good. Not good with the, I'm not.

• 4:20Mae Martin?

  Not handy.

• 4:21Fortune Feimster?

  I'm not handy like that. I can figure out a few things.

• 4:24Tig Notaro?

  You trim your bushes.

• 4:26Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, dude.

• 4:27Mae Martin?

  Sorry.

• 4:32Mae Martin?

  Haven't you talked before about trimming your bushes in your yard?

• 4:36Fortune Feimster?

  I do trim a bush, May. That's correct.

• 4:42Mae Martin?

  And is that, you do that with a big industrial bush trimmer, right?

• 4:47Fortune Feimster?

  Well, it's not that big. Let's calm down over there.

• 4:51Mae Martin?

  Tig has left her body.

• 4:53Fortune Feimster?

  Tig took off her glasses to have a moment. I didn't, by the way, I didn't start that conversation, just so you know. But May, you are right. I do sometimes trim the bush outside. Outside. And I have a-

• 5:12Tig Notaro?

  You do it outside? What are we talking about now?

• 5:17Fortune Feimster?

  We're talking about an actual bush. I have a electric trimmer that I, I can do yard work all day long, but I can't build stuff.

• 5:27Tig Notaro?

  Like what kind of yard work? You do like, weeb, zib zib?

• 5:32Fortune Feimster?

  I mean, I don't, but I could, you know what I mean?

• 5:34Tig Notaro?

  Okay, tough guy.

• 5:37Fortune Feimster?

  Cause in the, I feel like when you, if you, you know, growing up in the eighties or in the nineties, a lot of your, um, uh, thing that you were put in charge of as a child was yard work.

• 5:48Mae Martin?

  Yeah, to get your allowance?

• 5:49Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 5:50Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 5:50Tig Notaro?

  Why the eighties and nineties?

• 5:52Fortune Feimster?

  Do you see kids out there doing that now?

• 5:55Mae Martin?

  No, you have a point there.

• 5:57Tig Notaro?

  Well, no, but they did it in the seventies too.

• 6:01Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to stop. I did not include the seventies.

• 6:07Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. I'd be curious to hear from our listeners, are there kids? Are they putting their kids to work in their, in the yard still, uh, even though it's not the seventies anymore?

• 6:18Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 6:18Fortune Feimster?

  Or the eighties or the nineties.

• 6:20Mae Martin?

  In the old days, you would just send your kids out. Now it feels like if you did that, that you'd be watching from the window or you'd be like stationed, you'd be disguised as a tree.

• 6:29Tig Notaro?

  Meanwhile, it's not like, I mean, I'm making up a fact here.

• 6:35Mae Martin?

  Do it.

• 6:35Tig Notaro?

  I was gonna say.

• 6:39Tig Notaro?

  It's not like you're hearing that there's like some rise in kidnapping.

• 6:43Fortune Feimster?

  You know?

• 6:44Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I wonder actually what the stats are on that.

• 6:46Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, Thomas, can you, as far as a kid being out in the yard mowing the grass?

• 6:51Tig Notaro?

  By themselves?

• 6:52Fortune Feimster?

  By themselves.

• 6:53Tig Notaro?

  Not getting snatched, probably.

• 6:55Mae Martin?

  Maybe that's the-

• 6:56Tig Notaro?

  Is kidnapping up or down, Thomas?

• 6:58Mae Martin?

  But I think that's why we, maybe why we stopped, because in the 70s, there were tons of serial killers.

• 7:04Fortune Feimster?

  Snatching?

• 7:04Mae Martin?

  Yeah, so maybe-

• 7:06Fortune Feimster?

  But does it, but do you think it was more prevalent in the 70s, or it just started kind of then and that was like-

• 7:12Tig Notaro?

  Getting snatched? Or mowing lawns?

• 7:14Fortune Feimster?

  Didn't getting snatched sort of start in the 70s?

• 7:18Mae Martin?

  I, I think so, that, that was like, there were so many serial killers in the 70s, in California specifically.

• 7:24Fortune Feimster?

  Why? Have they ever gotten to the bottom of that?

• 7:28Mae Martin?

  I don't know.

• 7:29Fortune Feimster?

  Thomas?

• 7:30Mae Martin?

  Okay, here we go. The number of involuntary missing children cases opened each year due to circumstances like kidnapping and abductions, including non-custodial family members, fell by 27% from 2015 to 2022, FBI data shows.

• 7:43Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 7:44Mae Martin?

  That's good. It's reassuring to note that kidnapping cases have seen a decline in recent years. Great.

• 7:50Fortune Feimster?

  Well, good.

• 7:50Mae Martin?

  Some good news.

• 7:51Tig Notaro?

  So I, so the fact I was about to make up, I was just thinking, it's not like you're hearing about, and I'm only, you know, main, of course, people get kidnapped. I don't want anyone to think I'm saying that doesn't happen, or, you know, violent crime happens, I know that.

• 8:06Mae Martin?

  Maybe they don't, though, because they're not out mowing the lawn.

• 8:09Fortune Feimster?

  Everyone's inside gaming now, so.

• 8:13Mae Martin?

  I'm glad we got to the bottom of this.

• 8:14Fortune Feimster?

  No, I don't know how we go.

• 8:16Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I know.

• 8:17Tig Notaro?

  All I'm saying is just, you know, keep your eye on your kids, don't get snatched.

• 8:22Fortune Feimster?

  That's right.

• 8:23Tig Notaro?

  And let us know if your kids are doing the yard work, or if you have a service. We want to know, is this a California thing?

• 8:32Mae Martin?

  Well, you know what, speaking of yards in California, last night I went, and I, I don't know when this episode comes out, but a lot of the houses in Burbank have these Halloween displays on their lawns. And you can go and there's one called the Burbank Clown House, that is-

• 8:46Tig Notaro?

  Ooh.

• 8:47Mae Martin?

  I, I went, I, there were tons of people looking, and it's just this like horrific, super- Intricate horror clown display, really grotesque. And I was thinking, man, that's so cool that someone just did that for fun and they do it every year. And then the more I stared at it, I was like, are human beings okay? That this is like for fun? We're looking at these like, like torture clowns. Like, I don't know.

• 9:11Tig Notaro?

  Well, I had that same feeling on, I was on my morning walk in Los Angeles before I left town and walking past these houses that have, yeah, bloody clowns that are like a story high. Like, they're enormous in people's front yards. And I just, I realized I was walking through my neighborhood, just being like, oh, you know, people have these, their decorations out. But then when I personalized it and imagined myself putting up a bloody, like four bloody clowns in my yard.

• 9:46Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 9:47Tig Notaro?

  That.

• 9:49Mae Martin?

  That's what I was feeling. I was, yeah.

• 9:51Tig Notaro?

  What is that? I can't, I would be like, oh, I don't know. This is a little disturbed. I don't know if I could do it.

• 9:58Mae Martin?

  Yeah, who lives in these houses? Yeah. But there was a palate cleanser one, which was a Disney house that had, that had Mickey. And you could line up and get a picture with Mickey in front of the house. And it was really cool. And then I said to someone, who, who do you think lives here? And then someone said, oh, Mickey lives here. Like the guy in the Mickey suit, that's him, he had his house. I was like, again, just wondering who these people are.

• 10:24Fortune Feimster?

  It's, so this must be like a tradition that these houses do every year.

• 10:29Mae Martin?

  Yes, yeah.

• 10:30Tig Notaro?

  Can I tell you, we took Max and Finn for their fifth birthday to Disneyland.

• 10:35Mae Martin?

  How was it?

• 10:36Tig Notaro?

  We realized when we got there, they had never seen anything Disney.

• 10:40Mae Martin?

  Oh, really?

• 10:41Tig Notaro?

  And they didn't know who did Mickey Mouse was, like.

• 10:44Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

• 10:47Fortune Feimster?

  Like you, not knowing who any celebrity is.

• 10:50Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my God. Totally.

• 10:53Tig Notaro?

  Mormon, well, I don't even know if that's Mormon, but like very.

• 10:58Mae Martin?

  Amish, almost.

• 10:59Tig Notaro?

  Oh, that's right. I wanted to say Amish. Like, we went there and, you know, my aunt was with us and she's very into Disney and Disney for her grandkids and all, which most people are.

• 11:10Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 11:11Tig Notaro?

  But it never dawned on us until we got to the abusive part. And Max and Finn, we were like, oh, there's Mickey Mouse. And they were like, what? They didn't know who these people, these characters were.

• 11:23Fortune Feimster?

  They, had they just not been interested in watching Disney movies?

• 11:27Tig Notaro?

  I guess we just didn't show them.

• 11:29Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 11:30Tig Notaro?

  I don't, I don't know. Like Stephanie and I, we're not big Disney people.

• 11:35Mae Martin?

  You're not watching Mickey Mouse every night.

• 11:36Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, but, yeah, and to this day, like Max and Finn are aware that, they were like, yeah, I remember you brought us to Disneyland. We didn't know what, what we were looking at.

• 11:47Fortune Feimster?

  That is so funny.

• 11:49Tig Notaro?

  We assumed they knew, even though we hadn't shown them.

• 11:52Mae Martin?

  Yeah. I wanted, I want to design like a, a really niche theme park just based on Max and Finn's interests. So they go and they're like, oh my God, that obscure baseball player is, there's someone dressed like.

• 12:05Tig Notaro?

  Black holes.

• 12:06Mae Martin?

  Yeah, black holes and magic cards and Pokemon trading. Yeah.

• 12:10Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, and capitals of the world.

• 12:12Mae Martin?

  Oh, that's my, I mean, if it's a small world, if that was actually like testing you on capitals, I'd be in heaven.

• 12:18Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah. You should hang out with those guys.

• 12:21Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 12:22Tig Notaro?

  Not at Disneyland, though.

• 12:23Mae Martin?

  No. How's, um, how's Toronto?

• 12:26Tig Notaro?

  Good. I just, uh, I think I got in yesterday. Yes, I did. I got in yesterday and, um, we had a table read and then I have, you know, my space suit fitting.

• 12:38Mae Martin?

  Oh.

• 12:39Tig Notaro?

  Coming up and just all, all things Star Trek.

• 12:43Mae Martin?

  Did I tell you already that I dressed as a spaceman? I went to, um, Uh, Amma, poverty's daughter, I went to her school's Halloween thing. Oh, nice. Cause I go every year and I want to keep that, you know, relationship alive and Amma wanted me to go. So I go and I'm in line for the haunted house that the grade fives put on. And I'm so excited and I'm like, holding the place in line while everyone's off doing things. And there's this couple behind me. So I'm dressed like an astronaut. Sure. There's this couple behind me. And so I'm like, oh, you're having fun? And I go, yeah, yeah. And they're kind of sizing me up. And then the wife goes, are you a student here? Guys, it's a, it's an elementary school. What? It only goes. Oh, my god. It only goes till grade six. And I went, really? That's wild.

• 13:27Mae Martin?

  Yeah. And she said, I don't know. And I said, I'm 38 years old, madam. Madam. Madam. Madam. Did you really say madam? I, I hope so. Madam. I don't think you did.

• 13:39Fortune Feimster?

  Do you think an 11 year old would know how to say madam?

• 13:42Mae Martin?

  Madam, yeah. Oh, that's a wild leap. I know. I was flattered, but also all like not flattered, cause.

• 13:51Fortune Feimster?

  Well, you're also like twice everyone's size height wise.

• 13:55Mae Martin?

  I know. You're a big boy. I'm a big, strong boy.

• 14:00Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 14:01Fortune Feimster?

  Didn't they see those guns?

• 14:02Mae Martin?

  Exactly.

• 14:03Fortune Feimster?

  And you didn't take that opportunity to tell her to watch Wayward on Netflix?

• 14:07Mae Martin?

  You know what? I did have a, I did have a handful of people saying they'd watched it, like the, the parents and stuff. And then I've been tagged in a few people's Halloween costumes where this one queer couple dressed as specifically the sex scene from Wayward. So. Oh, boy. Yeah. Someone was, she was wearing like.

• 14:25Fortune Feimster?

  Do I need to tell you about that scene again, Tig?

• 14:28Mae Martin?

  No. No, madam. No, madam.

• 14:34Mae Martin?

  Have you guys had people dress up as you for Halloween and you're? Have you? I guess you must get that, the zombie one Tig, that's such an iconic look. People dress as like me and Stephanie. Really? Oh, that's great. Yeah.

• 14:48Fortune Feimster?

  I get people in, um, I've gotten people in curly wigs, either in a Hooters costume or in the swimsuit with the bush hanging out.

• 14:59Mae Martin?

  We're back to the bush.

• 15:02Fortune Feimster?

  We're back to the bush.

• 15:04Tig Notaro?

  They should have somebody that accompanies them and trims.

• 15:08Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 15:09Fortune Feimster?

  Well, it's based on a story I told in my special Sweet and Salty about having to wear a speedo for the first time as a child, as a 12 year old. And what you had a. I had a bush. I had a bush and I didn't know it.

• 15:25Tig Notaro?

  And so, did you know it for the first time that day? Or you still didn't know and you were just freely jumping in the water and just enjoying yourself?

• 15:33Fortune Feimster?

  I didn't know it. I had to, they told me in order to be on the swim team, I had to wear a speedo and I had never swam in that before. I, my joke was I swim in sweatpants and a triple XL t-shirt with the sleeves cut off. And it was team picture day, so I confidently stood in the front.

• 15:53Tig Notaro?

  No.

• 15:54Fortune Feimster?

  Thumbs up.

• 15:55Tig Notaro?

  That's in the picture?

• 15:56Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 15:57Tig Notaro?

  Kim Fortune, we need that on social.

• 16:00Fortune Feimster?

  I don't know. I don't have the picture.

• 16:03Tig Notaro?

  Okay, if somebody's listening and you're on swim team with Fortune Feimster.

• 16:07Fortune Feimster?

  I don't know if you could see it from the picture because those are grainy, you know, the thing, so I, but I figured it out later, but I, the joke is I was walking around, high fiving everybody, very confident, because when you're 12, life hadn't gotten you down yet. Yeah.

• 16:23Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my lord.

• 16:24Fortune Feimster?

  Even saddled up to the concession stand and I say, "Bush out." So I have had people wear bathing suits with. With Merkins under it.

• 16:35Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my lord.

• 16:37Mae Martin?

  That is a big deal when you're in middle school and, and you're changing for gym and stuff like the, the monitoring of who's got pubes yet, like people, at my school anyway. And my friend Joe at his school, which was an all boys school, this guy got pubes first, like really early.

• 16:52Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 16:52Mae Martin?

  And then this was in Bristol, so they have these weird.

• 16:54Tig Notaro?

  Did he want you to share this?

• 16:56Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. They have weird accents and so someone goes, "Oh my God, Chris Lever's got spiders."

• 17:03Fortune Feimster?

  Spiders.

• 17:05Tig Notaro?

  Is that what that means?

• 17:06Fortune Feimster?

  They were, that's what they were calling his, his pubes, I guess. Spiders.

• 17:10Mae Martin?

  He's got spiders, miss.

• 17:19Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, those were the days.

• 17:21Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 17:22Fortune Feimster?

  Just free in the bush.

• 17:25Mae Martin?

  I had friends over last night and this is not.

• 17:28Tig Notaro?

  That's great.

• 17:29Mae Martin?

  Yeah, thank you.

• 17:29Fortune Feimster?

  So good, May.

• 17:30Tig Notaro?

  Tell us about it.

• 17:31Mae Martin?

  Thank you so much. Thank you. I was, I felt really grateful because I'm, there are people I'm close enough to that like we went and saw the Burbank clown house or whatever. And we came back and we were hanging out and I just suddenly was like, in my head, I thought, I'm done. Like I want everyone to leave.

• 17:46Fortune Feimster?

  Done hanging out.

• 17:47Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I want everyone to leave now. And I just went and started running a bath and then one of my friends, one of my friends was like, did you just start running a bath? Like, would you like us to leave? And I was like, yeah, I guess, yeah, sorry. It was crazy to start.

• 18:01Tig Notaro?

  I would have thought your friends would have read into that as they should get in the bath with you.

• 18:07Fortune Feimster?

  Everyone's, we're all taking a bath now.

• 18:09Tig Notaro?

  I wouldn't have thought, oh, we need to leave. I'd be like, uh oh, May's running a bath. Where's this night going?

• 18:15Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 18:16Tig Notaro?

  May's running a bath. It's about to get wild. I love that you're just like, I want everyone to leave, so I'm gonna run a bath.

• 18:22Mae Martin?

  I know. And I should have probably said, I'm tired before I just started running the bath.

• 18:25Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, I think the, probably the thing is like, oh, guys, I got a big day tomorrow.

• 18:32Tig Notaro?

  Or you could just be like, hey, guys, I just want you to leave.

• 18:36Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I mean, I do, I'm grateful to have friends I'm comfortable enough with to be like, I'm, I'm done talking. I'm going, or the new thing people are saying is going non-verbal. That's like the new phrase, the, they're like, I went non-verbal. I really like that. Like, I think in a friendship, you should have license to go non-verbal whenever you want. Just like, I, I just need a minute to not talk or.

• 18:59Fortune Feimster?

  Now, did you end up taking that bath?

• 19:01Mae Martin?

  Of course.

• 19:02Tig Notaro?

  Fortune, great question.

• 19:04Mae Martin?

  Thank you.

• 19:05Tig Notaro?

  You're getting better at follow-up questions.

• 19:07Fortune Feimster?

  I'm trying. I'm trying. And did you have a bath bomb or bath salts of any kind?

• 19:14Fortune Feimster?

  Fortune, settle down. We're easing in.

• 19:17Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I, I had eucalyptus bath salts that I put in.

• 19:23Fortune Feimster?

  And. Girl, tell us.

• 19:27Mae Martin?

  Girls, I soaked this tired old bod.

• 19:31Fortune Feimster?

  Okay, with a nice eucalyptus scent.

• 19:36Mae Martin?

  Yeah, it was good.

• 19:38Fortune Feimster?

  Okay, any candles, or as we call them, condoms? Condes and condoms possible.

• 19:46Mae Martin?

  I, I had a Himalayan salt lamp going.

• 19:52Fortune Feimster?

  Girl, I love it.

• 19:54Mae Martin?

  Is this really cozy to you guys?

• 19:56Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 19:57Mae Martin?

  Wait, how, how's the new bath in the new place? I know we've talked about it.

• 20:01Fortune Feimster?

  Mine?

• 20:01Mae Martin?

  Yeah, are you?

• 20:02Fortune Feimster?

  It's great.

• 20:03Mae Martin?

  You've taken some long baths?

• 20:05Fortune Feimster?

  It's not a deep one, but it's a long one. So I like that because I'm a tall gal. What I like is that it is in the, it is placed where the shower is as well. So it doesn't matter if water spills, which I love because as a big, tall gal, water will spill. And I used to get like, oh no, I'm going to get, mess up the floors. Well, this is spilling right into the shower.

• 20:34Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 20:34Fortune Feimster?

  So it doesn't matter.

• 20:35Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I like that. Yeah, yeah. And do you have a big, a fluffy bath mat?

• 20:39Fortune Feimster?

  No, I do not.

• 20:41Mae Martin?

  I want to get you a personalized fluffy bath mat that says, girl.

• 20:45Fortune Feimster?

  Girl?

• 20:46Mae Martin?

  Girl, let loose.

• 20:48Fortune Feimster?

  I have tested out the pool.

• 20:49Mae Martin?

  Take a load off.

• 20:50Fortune Feimster?

  I finally tested out the pool. And it is perfect for treading.

• 20:55Mae Martin?

  Oh, great.

• 20:56Fortune Feimster?

  You don't like nick your little toes? Occasionally I've hit the side, but it's not been anything concerning. It's not a pool that you go swimming in per se. Sure, sure. But perfect for treading. And it's, it's smaller, so it heats up a lot faster. Okay, good. So that's good. We don't want your little bottom cold. I didn't tell you about the hot tub, right? It's too short.

• 21:21Mae Martin?

  No.

• 21:22Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, I didn't. What do you mean it's too short?

• 21:23Mae Martin?

  What do you mean short?

• 21:24Fortune Feimster?

  So I got in the hot tub and I don't know who measured this thing, but like my tits were out.

• 21:31Mae Martin?

  Wait, so are you sitting down?

• 21:34Fortune Feimster?

  You're sit, you sit down?

• 21:36Mae Martin?

  And it doesn't even cover your nipples?

• 21:37Fortune Feimster?

  And the water comes to like, no.

• 21:39Tig Notaro?

  Oh, you probably got it from Tits Out tubs.

• 21:42Fortune Feimster?

  Tits Out tubs designed it. And I'm like, who designed this thing? Cause I'm a tall person and my legs are just touching, my feet are just touching the ground.

• 21:52Tig Notaro?

  How tall are you?

• 21:54Fortune Feimster?

  Five, 10.

• 21:55Tig Notaro?

  That's a tall drink of water.

• 21:56Fortune Feimster?

  And then the top, the top of the pool, of the hot tub goes to like, just kinda like, I don't know. What is this part of your body? Under your boobs?

• 22:09Tig Notaro?

  The under tit.

• 22:10Fortune Feimster?

  But like, your boobs are like well out of the hot tub.

• 22:14Mae Martin?

  What, so it's?

• 22:15Tig Notaro?

  Mine are really out.

• 22:17Mae Martin?

  They're so.

• 22:17Fortune Feimster?

  And I know I'm tall, but I'm like, any person that, so I'm like, I got in it and I went, what? So in order to like, submerge into this hot tub, you either have to like, not sit on the bench, or you have to like, lay down on the bench.

• 22:33Tig Notaro?

  So are you gonna relist this house?

• 22:35Fortune Feimster?

  Yep, I'm putting it back up on sale.

• 22:38Tig Notaro?

  I mean.

• 22:39Fortune Feimster?

  It's the only thing about the house that they did wrong. And I was just like, who measured this?

• 22:46Mae Martin?

  So when you got in, did you say out loud, what?

• 22:50Fortune Feimster?

  Yes, I did. Cause I was like, cause you're not supposed to have tits out in the hot tub.

• 22:55Tig Notaro?

  Unless you hire Tits Out tubs.

• 22:58Fortune Feimster?

  Unless you hire Tits Out tubs. You're supposed, it's supposed to go like, right, right, like just over them.

• 23:04Mae Martin?

  Yeah, totally. You can't be all exposed.

• 23:06Tig Notaro?

  And are you topless when you're in? Paint us a picture, you sexy thing.

• 23:10Fortune Feimster?

  I have been topless before, but not this time. Cause I don't have my backyard quite private yet.

• 23:17Tig Notaro?

  And are you, we talking literal backyard or figurative backyard?

• 23:22Fortune Feimster?

  Like my butthole?

• 23:24Tig Notaro?

  Fortune Marie.

• 23:25Fortune Feimster?

  I don't know.

• 23:26Tig Notaro?

  Fortune, I don't either. I just never know what you two are getting at, what you mean.

• 23:33Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. Well, I just tore out, there was bamboo in my backyard and it just.

• 23:38Tig Notaro?

  What are we talking about?

• 23:39Fortune Feimster?

  The actual bamboo, not, not other stuff. Okay. But that, it grows insanely wild and gets out of hand. So I had it all removed to avoid that. And they just planted ficus, but the ficus are gonna take a good month to two months to grow. So there's no privacy at the moment.

• 23:56Tig Notaro?

  And what was the name of this spa?

• 23:58Fortune Feimster?

  Tits out tubs?

• 24:02Fortune Feimster?

  So once the ficus are fully in, tits out. Yeah. Except they're gonna be cold because this freaking hot tub's too short.

• 24:11Tig Notaro?

  I need to know on the day that you did tits out tub.

• 24:15Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 24:16Tig Notaro?

  Were you also bottoms off bath?

• 24:20Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, I was fully nude. Fortune. Why? That's a hot tub in your own backyard.

• 24:27Tig Notaro?

  I know, but the ficus hasn't taken root.

• 24:31Fortune Feimster?

  I've never. No, not in the new place. I have, I, there's not a privacy for naked here yet. I'm with you.

• 24:38Tig Notaro?

  Okay.

• 24:39Fortune Feimster?

  One day, when the ficus are heartily in, it will create a wall. And that's when it's tits out, buttholes exposed. I can't wait for the ficus to be heartily in. Tits out tub butthole bath. Oh, boy.

• 24:56Fortune Feimster?

  So we went from, uh, child kidnapping statistics to tits out tubs and. Yeah. And butthole bath. My pool is like so, I'm so excited because like what a perfect treading pool. And then, oh bummer, I love, you know how much I love a hot tub? We do. And I can't believe it's tits out tub in there. Um, and I really wish it were deeper because I love a hot tub. But I guess I, if I go in there, I have to know, I just need to lay down in it. Yeah, you're gonna have to like just fetal position in there. But I didn't like, I didn't like the bathtub at my old house and I love the bathtub at this house. So you know, it's all.

• 25:35Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, it all works itself out. Okay. If we have anyone that works at Tits Out tubs, please write in. Let us know what you were thinking when you made Fortune's Hot Tub.

• 25:47Fortune Feimster?

  I just think they didn't go deep enough with the hot tub.

• 25:52Mae Martin?

  Yeah, but we think and know with certainty that that was intentional because they're tits out tubs. And they like.

• 25:57Fortune Feimster?

  They like it that way.

• 25:58Tig Notaro?

  They lead with it.

• 25:59Fortune Feimster?

  And maybe, maybe my neighbors, my new neighbors suggested like, don't go too deep.

• 26:06Tig Notaro?

  Hmm.

• 26:07Fortune Feimster?

  Because we want to see tits out time.

• 26:09Tig Notaro?

  I can't stand those neighbors of yours. Or my refrigerator in my apartment.

• 26:15Fortune Feimster?

  Is it beeping?

• 26:16Tig Notaro?

  Is be, can you hear the beeping?

• 26:17Fortune Feimster?

  No. Yeah, go, maybe, is it not closed?

• 26:20Tig Notaro?

  It is, it, it's closed and I had somebody come up to look at it and they're like, oh yeah, just press the alarm when the, when this beeps. And I'm like, but how about we fix it so I don't have to? Okay, hold on, sorry. I'll be right back. You guys bad talk me while I'm gone.

• 26:36Mae Martin?

  Okay.

• 26:36Fortune Feimster?

  That Tig.

• 26:38Mae Martin?

  That Tig.

• 26:39Fortune Feimster?

  What a Tig.

• 26:42Mae Martin?

  I would.

• 26:42Fortune Feimster?

  Did you see that walk to the fridge? A little, it was like a little.

• 26:47Mae Martin?

  Was it a cute little?

• 26:47Fortune Feimster?

  Zest in the, in Tig's butt.

• 26:51Mae Martin?

  I want to see it. I want to rewind and watch it.

• 26:53Fortune Feimster?

  Look how dikey Tig looks right now.

• 26:56Tig Notaro?

  What'd you say?

• 26:57Mae Martin?

  Well, first of all, we were saying that the way you walked to the fridge, I didn't see it.

• 27:01Fortune Feimster?

  It was cute.

• 27:02Mae Martin?

  Apparently it was adorable.

• 27:03Tig Notaro?

  Oh, Fortune.

• 27:04Fortune Feimster?

  You did a little tushy shake and I felt like that was for.

• 27:09Tig Notaro?

  For you?

• 27:10Fortune Feimster?

  It was for, I think our handsome watchers.

• 27:13Tig Notaro?

  Well.

• 27:14Fortune Feimster?

  And then I did say you looked dikey, but that was a compliment.

• 27:19Tig Notaro?

  So wait, when I walked away, I was femmy and when I came back, I was dikey.

• 27:24Fortune Feimster?

  Full fem on the way, hardcore dike on the way back.

• 27:27Tig Notaro?

  Was it one of those things of like, I hate for you to leave, but I love to watch you walk away?

• 27:32Fortune Feimster?

  Exactly, yeah.

• 27:33Tig Notaro?

  Well, Stephanie makes fun of me because when I.

• 27:36Fortune Feimster?

  You did have your hands down.

• 27:37Tig Notaro?

  Did I?

• 27:38Fortune Feimster?

  A little, I think, or no.

• 27:40Tig Notaro?

  Okay, okay.

• 27:41Fortune Feimster?

  Down to the side.

• 27:42Tig Notaro?

  At home, Stephanie teases me on a daily basis because when I'm in the kitchen and I'm in my zone and I'm like doing dishes, cleaning things up, loading the, whatever I'm doing, I do this around the kitchen.

• 27:58Mae Martin?

  Okay.

• 27:59Fortune Feimster?

  Little hand, little dainty hand.

• 28:01Mae Martin?

  With her, with her hands flopping around.

• 28:04Fortune Feimster?

  Imagine Tig saying, girl, right now, that's what. Tig's hands are doing.

• 28:09Tig Notaro?

  And I just don't realize I do it.

• 28:11Mae Martin?

  You do it unconsciously? You just pop around?

• 28:13Tig Notaro?

  Completely.

• 28:14Fortune Feimster?

  Sometimes I have dainty wrists, too.

• 28:16Tig Notaro?

  I'm in the kitchen and I'm doing this. And Stephanie will be like, um, wrists? And I'm like, oh, yeah, I don't even know I'm doing it. But anyway, so you probably caught a little bit of pretty little lady in the kitchen.

• 28:29Fortune Feimster?

  Caught a pretty little lady walking to the fridge and then.

• 28:32Tig Notaro?

  That's right.

• 28:33Fortune Feimster?

  Tig, OK, Dyke, walk him back.

• 28:35Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. You gotta have both.

• 28:37Mae Martin?

  What'd you do? Did you unplug it?

• 28:39Tig Notaro?

  There's a button that says alarm and you press the button. It's like, clearly, there's something with this. Why would you make a refrigerator that beeps so frequently that you have to have a button to press the, to turn the alarm off?

• 28:54Fortune Feimster?

  Is this one of those apartments where everything's like included, the furniture and everything?

• 29:00Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, it's a hotel that also has a residence.

• 29:04Fortune Feimster?

  Hmm, yeah.

• 29:05Tig Notaro?

  And so they put me in the residence area, which is great because I have, you know, my kitchen and dishwasher and dryer because, you know, I love to clean the house.

• 29:14Mae Martin?

  You gotta bounce around.

• 29:16Tig Notaro?

  Yes, pretty little lady heading to the kitchen. Um, so yeah, but I, I, I'm gonna be on the phone with the front desk after this episode.

• 29:26Fortune Feimster?

  Giving them a piece of your mind.

• 29:27Tig Notaro?

  That's right.

• 29:28Fortune Feimster?

  That's right. Well.

• 29:30Tig Notaro?

  Speaking about pieces of mind, should we hear what our, who our question asker is and what's on their mind?

• 29:38Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, we should.

• 29:39Mae Martin?

  Absolutely. Today's question asker, I'm very excited because I, I met him in the, in the Toronto airport a couple of years ago. And he, I always, I go up to people if I recognize them and I like their work. And, and he came up to me and this is Rob Thomas from Matchbox Twenty, who I grew up and also, oh, my God, his solo stuff, "It's a hot one, like seven inches from the midday." Remember that?

• 30:06Tig Notaro?

  Mm hmm.

• 30:07Mae Martin?

  Anyway, I love Rob Thomas.

• 30:08Tig Notaro?

  I do, too. I loved Matchbox Twenty.

• 30:12Mae Martin?

  Yes, yes. He, he, Rob Thomas was the lead vocalist for Matchbox Twenty. He performed on Santana's single Smooth, which won three Grammy Awards and was a number one hit. His five albums with Matchbox Twenty have sold millions of copies and received multiple Grammy nominations. Rob Thomas is asking today's question.

• 30:29Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, yeah, baby.

• 30:32Speaker 04

  Hello, you handsome devils. My name is Rob Thomas. I am a giant fan of all three of you. I've seen all of your specials. I love What a Joke. I loved Wayward. It means a lot to me to be able to ask you guys this very serious question today. What is something that you guys spend money on that your younger selves would have thought was extravagant?

• 30:52Fortune Feimster?

  He has, I feel like musicians always have like a cool background. It's like a studio, like equipment and guitars and stuff.

• 30:59Tig Notaro?

  Especially when you're like tripping over Grammys and...

• 31:02Fortune Feimster?

  No, I hate tripping over Grammys.

• 31:05Tig Notaro?

  It's the worst.

• 31:06Fortune Feimster?

  They're just always, all these awards are in the way. I don't have any awards, except for our haha award that we got for our best podcast of the year.

• 31:15Tig Notaro?

  Oh, and it's just right there.

• 31:17Fortune Feimster?

  It's just right off the... Look, handsome. Podcast of the year.

• 31:21Mae Martin?

  Yeah, nice.

• 31:22Fortune Feimster?

  Given to us by the Montreal Comedy Festival. It's a fun, well, I see May's got theirs in the background.

• 31:29Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I should have brought mine to Toronto.

• 31:32Mae Martin?

  I'm amazed you don't, you don't travel with it, Tig.

• 31:35Tig Notaro?

  I'm amazed, yeah, that I should, yeah.

• 31:38Mae Martin?

  Yeah, Rob Thomas, very effortlessly cool and kind person.

• 31:42Fortune Feimster?

  What was Matchbox's, Matchbox 20's biggest hit?

• 31:47Mae Martin?

  I wanna push you away.

• 31:48Fortune Feimster?

  That's right.

• 31:49Mae Martin?

  Where I will, where I will. And also...

• 31:52Fortune Feimster?

  Their stuff was so catchy.

• 31:54Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God, so good.

• 31:56Tig Notaro?

  Well, that's how they sold 20...

• 31:58Fortune Feimster?

  Millions and millions. Yeah. Rob also has great taste in comedians, I will say.

• 32:05Mae Martin?

  Have you met him?

• 32:06Fortune Feimster?

  I sure have not, but I love his taste in comedians.

• 32:09Mae Martin?

  I loved how...

• 32:09Tig Notaro?

  He said he likes us three, right?

• 32:11Mae Martin?

  Exactly.

• 32:12Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I don't think May caught that.

• 32:14Mae Martin?

  You just got so southern, though, Fortune. I've never heard you say...

• 32:17Fortune Feimster?

  I sure have not.

• 32:19Mae Martin?

  I sure have not.

• 32:20Fortune Feimster?

  I love that.

• 32:21Mae Martin?

  I sure have not, y'all.

• 32:24Mae Martin?

  No, I have not. I sure have not, y'all.

• 32:26Tig Notaro?

  I sure have not, madam.

• 32:32Mae Martin?

  Do you remember like the first time that you like the first purchase you made when, when you had money? Like, I think all of us went through periods of eating instant noodles and like true scrimping and saving. But yeah, when, when was the first time that you were like, "Oh, I can afford to do this?"

• 32:50Fortune Feimster?

  God, I, I was always so used to ne- never having money. I grew up with, uh, you know, we, I, I had a roof over my head and, uh, and opportunities. So I know I was lucky in a lot of ways, but there was a lot of, um, you know, not knowing how we were going to pay the bills, uh, a lot of lights getting shut off, water getting cut off. Uh, I remember my mom and brother came home one day and they're like, "Well, we gotta pack up the house because we're about to lose it." And I was like, "What?"

• 33:24Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God, that's so stressful. How old were you in that?

• 33:28Fortune Feimster?

  I was, that would have been like my sophomore year of high school and, but then my mom found a way to like, hold on and, um,

• 33:35Tig Notaro?

  Classic ginger.

• 33:36Fortune Feimster?

  Classic ginger. She, she kept, she was able to keep the house. But so there was always like, my senior of college, they're like, "I don't know if you're going to be able to graduate because y'all can't, you know, you haven't been able to pay this last bill." And I'm like, "Oh, my God." There's so, I always had like something hanging over my head financially.

• 33:53Tig Notaro?

  Mm-hmm.

• 33:54Fortune Feimster?

  Um, and then when I moved to LA, I, I got here with like, literally it's $25 in my pocket. It sounds like a made up story, but it like, that is what I had.

• 34:06Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Did you have somewhere to stay lined up?

• 34:08Fortune Feimster?

  I stayed on a friend's couch who I went to college with until I could get on my feet.

• 34:13Tig Notaro?

  You still live there, right?

• 34:15Fortune Feimster?

  That's right.

• 34:16Mae Martin?

  You're still on that couch?

• 34:17Fortune Feimster?

  That's right. Um, and then, you know, I just, uh, just started working my ass off and, um, but didn't really make money for a long time. I, I made enough to pay my bills, but I had two roommates out in LA for 10 years. Um, so my first Uh extravagant purchase was a home and that was um, that was.

• 34:41Mae Martin?

  You're good with money.

• 34:42Fortune Feimster?

  Ten years into being in LA.

• 34:44Mae Martin?

  Yeah. And so were you just really but saving and budgeting and?

• 34:50Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, yeah. I, well, I, I remember two thousand ten, right before I got Chelsea lately, I made eighteen thousand dollars that year. And my, uh, you know, and that's living in LA. Like rent is like, I mean, the majority of that is what, uh, my accountant was like, how did you live? How did you? I was like, I just figured it out. I don't know. Um, and then I got Chelsea like six months later and that kind of saved everything. I owed my roommate like two grand in rent when I got that job. And you don't get paid for like the first month of the, and I, everybody was like going to these fancy dinners and I was like, I don't. Uh, like I was like, I'll have french fries.

• 35:30Mae Martin?

  Um, as long as you pay for them.

• 35:33Fortune Feimster?

  Once I got that Chelsea job, it was the first time in my life I was able to save. Um, and I just started saving and the, and the house I bought was tiny. Um, and you know, expensive for LA, but not expensive. It was not a fancy house at all. It was like in the valley, like super small, but I was like, I just want something of my own. Um, and it ended up being, um, the house I still, I don't live there now, but I, I will treasure that house forever.

• 36:03Mae Martin?

  Yeah, like so when, when he's like, are there things now that your younger self would consider extravagant? It's like ev- everything properly, like.

• 36:11Fortune Feimster?

  Everything seems extravagant, yeah.

• 36:13Mae Martin?

  Yeah, like I, in, in my teens, I was just in a cycle of debt and, and mainly for drugs, like buy, like every check that I got was immediately gone. And then borrowing money and lying and owing money and like never being able to get out of that cycle. And then when I was like twenty, um, I started dating Lindsay Barton and she just had her shit together and was like twenty seven and just, and she kind of like just slowly, uh, sorted me out. And then we moved to England together and I was working. Yeah, so many day jobs and stuff. And the first time that I was like, oh, I can do something like recreational. It was like, my friend was doing volunteer work in Spain or something, and we met up in Barcelona for a weekend.

• 36:58Mae Martin?

  And we like, like to be able to go on vacation for a weekend to Europe with my friend and

• 37:04Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 37:04Mae Martin?

  And buy like paella and wine. But we were buying these boxes of wine called Don Simone. And it was, you'd get a box of rosé that was sweeter than Kool-Aid. It was so sweet and it got, yeah, and we had a really fun weekend. But yeah, I do credit like Lindsay Barton for, because she would, I mean, she was like, I want to live my life. I'm a grown person doing a master's degree in London and I had nothing really to bring to the table. But she didn't, she wasn't lending me tons of money. Or if she did, like, we'd keep track of it and I just became responsible and I worked and yeah.

• 37:43Fortune Feimster?

  I would say, I would say currently I am not an extravagant person still. Like I'm lucky enough to be, you know, comfortable in my life and I'm making money because I, I work all the time. All I do is work. So, and I don't have kids. So by the nature of that, yes, I have some money because I'm not having the overhead that some people have. I don't buy, I'm not big into like

• 38:07Mae Martin?

  Porsches.

• 38:08Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, I mean, I do, I lease a car. That's probably considered extravagant. And I, I do, I did get a home. But as far as like frivolous stuff, I don't, I wear T-shirts all the time and I'm not, I don't like any designer thing. I'm not a jewelry person.

• 38:31Mae Martin?

  You don't have a diamond Speedo?

• 38:33Fortune Feimster?

  I do not. I do not. I am not, I'm not really big into stuff. So I like, I probably, probably my biggest expense would be going out to eat. That would be something I really enjoy. I like going to dinner with friends and I like, I like good food. And, but I would say, as far as something I bought that it was out of character for me as far as extravagant, is I had the opportunity to buy a multicade. Stand up video game.

• 39:07Mae Martin?

  Oh, yeah, I know, because I wanted to get it. I wanted, I thought you were gonna maybe get rid of it when you moved.

• 39:12Fortune Feimster?

  Hell, no.

• 39:13Mae Martin?

  Sniffing around.

• 39:14Fortune Feimster?

  This thing is gonna come with me everywhere I go. Um, I bought it from a friend who I think probably regrets selling it. And it, I love it so much. It's vintage, it reminds me of childhood. It's loud as fuck.

• 39:29Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 39:29Fortune Feimster?

  But it's so cool. It has all the games, Gallagher, Pac-Man, Donkey Kong.

• 39:37Mae Martin?

  God, that's good.

• 39:38Fortune Feimster?

  Space Invaders. It's cool.

• 39:40Tig Notaro?

  What about Pong?

• 39:42Mae Martin?

  I love Pong.

• 39:43Fortune Feimster?

  I don't think it has Pong.

• 39:47Tig Notaro?

  But it'd be amazing if it was just one big machine for Pong. Just.

• 39:52Fortune Feimster?

  Boop. Yeah, you can plug it in and play away. It takes no, it has the quarter slots, but you don't need any quarters for it.

• 40:00Tig Notaro?

  But don't tell people that.

• 40:02Fortune Feimster?

  I know, I should just take Google's money.

• 40:03Mae Martin?

  Take the quarters.

• 40:04Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 40:04Mae Martin?

  I am not good with, I, I do buy a lot of stuff and, and it's.

• 40:08Fortune Feimster?

  We know.

• 40:09Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 40:09Fortune Feimster?

  I know, your Amazon order alone was nuts.

• 40:12Mae Martin?

  That was insanity. And, and also just to be supporting Amazon is so bad. Like, I'm, I'm, I'm getting better. It's on my, it's on my list of personal improvement that I want to do. But again, I don't have dependents and I work tons and I don't, I don't buy like cars and stuff like I, so I do just buy like nice jackets and, um, and synthesizers and.

• 40:31Fortune Feimster?

  Nice jackets and synthesizer.

• 40:34Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 40:34Fortune Feimster?

  But I don't know. You tiglet.

• 40:37Tig Notaro?

  Thank you for using my God-given name.

• 40:42Tig Notaro?

  I am not an extravagant person myself, but, um, I remember when I first started in comedy. I don't know if you guys know Darlene Hunt.

• 40:54Mae Martin?

  Oh, no.

• 40:55Tig Notaro?

  She's, she's a really successful writer, producer now, showrunner type.

• 40:59Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, I know, yeah, I know who that is.

• 41:01Tig Notaro?

  Red curly hair. I met her in stand up. She's so deeply funny. It's weird. And I remember her getting on a sitcom and being like, yeah, I went to Upfronts, which is like the whole, how would you describe Upfronts?

• 41:19Fortune Feimster?

  It's where they on uh, networks reveal their upcoming shows.

• 41:25Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, and so networks will put money into sending people out to New York and putting you in a nice hotel with like, um, you know, money to to spend on food. And I remember her saying like, yeah, I was just in this really nice hotel and I could just order room service and eat out of the, you know, get whatever out of the minibar. And I was like, what? I could not even comprehend. You know, it was like when we were open micers still, when she got that. And I really, it seemed made up that that this was Darlene's life.

• 42:05Tig Notaro?

  And to this day, I have to say that the frivolous thing that I will sometimes, not often, treat myself to is something out of the mini fridge in a hotel room. Because that is something I would never have touched. And even to this day, I don't go nuts on it because I'm like, I'm not gonna spend $12 on some cashews.

• 42:30Fortune Feimster?

  Something that's like $2 in the convenience store.

• 42:34Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I don't like, I don't like, um, I mean, I like being generous, but I don't like spending money, um, in that kind of way of like $12 cashews.

• 42:51Fortune Feimster?

  Right, same.

• 42:53Tig Notaro?

  So, yeah, but I would say that is something where I'm like, if I'm stuck in my hotel room and I'm hungry, I'll be like, all right, $8 bag of tiny chips, I'll eat you.

• 43:05Fortune Feimster?

  And would you have a little drink from the, you're not much of a drinker, but would you have like a solo whiskey in a hotel if you're feeling real like, real emo?

• 43:14Tig Notaro?

  There is no world where I would have a solo whiskey like I don't there's not there's no. In fact, I really in the past few years, it's so silly to say I quit drinking.

• 43:28Mae Martin?

  Cause you never really.

• 43:29Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, because it paints a picture like I really had to finally get rid of that in my life. But um, I stopped doing that a few years ago. And so, no, I don't have a solo whiskey. I usually just will have water. It's a stash.

• 43:45Mae Martin?

  It's just some top water and a.

• 43:47Tig Notaro?

  You're wild. But it feels, it feels very extravagant still.

• 43:54Tig Notaro?

  But to me, it's like, I think that the more I'm talking about it, it feels like that. Wow, I guess I'm doing okay. I'm treating myself.

• 44:05Tig Notaro?

  Hotel minibar.

• 44:06Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 44:07Fortune Feimster?

  I won't ever drink the alcohol out of the minibar because that that's even like triple the price.

• 44:13Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 44:14Fortune Feimster?

  But if I, I'm not a big, big drinker, but I like an old fashioned here and there.

• 44:19Tig Notaro?

  Well, you know.

• 44:20Fortune Feimster?

  I'll just go down to the bar in the lobby, get an old fashioned and go back up to the room.

• 44:26Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 44:27Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 44:28Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I don't, it doesn't feel good to me to um.

• 44:32Mae Martin?

  I love like.

• 44:33Tig Notaro?

  Plow through, but go ahead.

• 44:35Mae Martin?

  I love like, like devices and things that are advertised to me on Instagram and like massagers or like, like those like face products and things. And I like being generous. And so I for years thought I am really going all out for Christmas and I would get my parents these like. I don't know, like an infrared, like, you know, just this like just junk really and, and there's the depuffer.

• 44:59Fortune Feimster?

  I got the depuffer out.

• 45:01Mae Martin?

  Yeah, but my parents finally were like, please don't get us that. We don't, we don't like it breaks after one use. Like we don't need it or want it, but yeah.

• 45:10Fortune Feimster?

  You know what I did when I got an early paycheck from Chelsea lately? Cause I had never made much money before. I bought everyone in my family Omaha's steaks. And I thought, I have made it. I'm steaks for everybody. Freaking Omaha's steaks.

• 45:37Fortune Feimster?

  I just remembered that. I totally forgot that I did that.

• 45:42Mae Martin?

  What is an Omaha steak?

• 45:43Tig Notaro?

  Here we go.

• 45:44Mae Martin?

  Sorry, is that a specific cut?

• 45:45Fortune Feimster?

  So it's, you know, Omaha, Nebraska. It's out of Omaha, Nebraska. They, they sell steaks, but it's kind of the steaks that are like, you know, they're not fancy.

• 45:55Tig Notaro?

  They're a Sizzler, maybe?

• 45:56Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, it's like a low grade steak, but they sell them in bulk. So you can send somebody like 16 steaks.

• 46:04Mae Martin?

  That's what you, and that you were like-

• 46:06Fortune Feimster?

  And I did that for my whole family. I was like, I've made it. Steaks for everybody.

• 46:11Tig Notaro?

  16 low grade steaks for you. 16 low grade steaks for you. And 16 low grade steaks for you.

• 46:20Fortune Feimster?

  I'm sure some of their meat is high quality. I probably got the very basic box of basic bitch steaks.

• 46:27Tig Notaro?

  Here's, here's my question for you, Fortune.

• 46:30Fortune Feimster?

  Uh huh.

• 46:31Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, you have a dipuffer.

• 46:33Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 46:34Tig Notaro?

  Have I seen a huge difference in your face when I see you?

• 46:38Fortune Feimster?

  I'm not using it every day. That's the problem.

• 46:41Tig Notaro?

  Okay. Well, I'm just telling you, nothing, I've noticed nothing.

• 46:45Fortune Feimster?

  Amazing extravagant purchase was that sauna.

• 46:49Mae Martin?

  Oh, fuck yeah. And that was really worth it. And that-

• 46:52Fortune Feimster?

  I did, now I'm like, should I have an extravagant purchase and do that?

• 46:56Mae Martin?

  Well, the sauna, and probably some, some research is going to come out that like, you know, counters this, but um, they really do say if you sauna like three or four times a week, it's your overall health. It's like, like if you're 40, uh, some, uh, anyways, you're gonna live a long time.

• 47:14Tig Notaro?

  40% of all kidnappings happen in a sauna.

• 47:17Fortune Feimster?

  Well, I don't want to go to the gym, so I'd much rather be in a sauna. Is that what you're telling me?

• 47:22Mae Martin?

  Get yourself some nice aromatherapies and get that, get that sauna. It is, it is really worth it. I'm going, I went this morning.

• 47:29Fortune Feimster?

  I'm, I'm gonna settle into this home because this was my latest extravagant purchase, but I don't see it as- Um, I, it's an investment.

• 47:37Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 47:38Fortune Feimster?

  Um, so I see it as a responsible purchase. But if in time, once I've not spent as much money as I recently have, I might look into that.

• 47:46Mae Martin?

  Well, you know how Tig did a little, um, pretty little lady scurry to the fridge?

• 47:51Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 47:52Mae Martin?

  So picture me in the morning, cause I go in in just my underwear and

• 47:55Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 47:58Mae Martin?

  But I, I scurry, cause I have roommates, right? My friend and his girlfriend live in my back house. So I scurry out in my underwear to the sauna and then I always, when I'm coming out, it's right at the moment that his girlfriend's walking out and I'm like

• 48:10Fortune Feimster?

  I don't think that's an accident.

• 48:12Mae Martin?

  I'm sweaty, I'm lobster red and I'm just scurrying.

• 48:16Fortune Feimster?

  I'm gonna say it, I think it's not an accident.

• 48:19Mae Martin?

  What you think I want her to see?

• 48:21Fortune Feimster?

  No, no, no.

• 48:24Fortune Feimster?

  She knows when you're coming out of that.

• 48:26Tig Notaro?

  He wants to see it.

• 48:29Mae Martin?

  She's hilarious. She really cracks me up. She's really formed a relationship with this stray cat. She made him an Instagram account. Um, Dean, we've named him and, and she's feeding him. She's, she's hilarious. And, and like, I'm just so in awe of starting fresh in a new country where you don't speak the language. And sometimes we're like, I always forget that her English isn't great. Cause we're chatting away and, and then last night it was silent for a while. And Matt said, what percentage of what I say, do you think you understand? And she was like, 15? We were like, what? And he was like, you're my, they're married. He was like, whoa.

• 49:07Tig Notaro?

  Wait, what's her first language?

• 49:09Mae Martin?

  Chinese.

• 49:09Tig Notaro?

  Oh, gotcha.

• 49:10Mae Martin?

  Mandarin, yeah.

• 49:11Tig Notaro?

  We're back to percentages.

• 49:12Mae Martin?

  Yeah, we're back to percentages on this app.

• 49:14Tig Notaro?

  There's a theme here. Should we hear what Mr. Handsome Face has to say?

• 49:19Mae Martin?

  Yes.

• 49:20Tig Notaro?

  Is that what he goes by?

• 49:21Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 49:22Tig Notaro?

  Handsome Face or Rob Thomas, either one. He knows who he is.

• 49:25Speaker 04

  Like for me, I like a nice hotel room. I like first class seats on a plane and I like really good dinners. Uh, I don't need to buy things. I don't need to own things, but I don't mind spending money on experiences. How do you guys feel about that?

• 49:38Fortune Feimster?

  I do like that. I will, I will spend money on travel. Um, yeah. To have like a, to, yeah, to enjoy another place.

• 49:48Mae Martin?

  Mm hmm. Yeah. Also, if you're traveling all the time for work and you're exhausted, like anything you can do to make that process a little less

• 49:59Tig Notaro?

  See, I'm so, if I'm traveling with my family.

• 50:04Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, let's go for it. Have a nice vacation. If it's just me. You're in a hostel. I know, like, what'd you say Fortune?

• 50:13Fortune Feimster?

  I didn't mean to interrupt, but I just got infiltrated by Omaha Steaks. I'm not lying.

• 50:17Tig Notaro?

  What do you mean? What do you mean infiltrated?

• 50:19Fortune Feimster?

  I just looked at my, I just got ADD.

• 50:22Tig Notaro?

  Are you online? Are you checking email and Instagram?

• 50:26Fortune Feimster?

  I got ADD, looked at my email and it says Omaha Steaks since 1917. You've been selected. Great steak sampler.

• 50:35Tig Notaro?

  What? Wait, is it listening to you? Of course, of course. Everyone listens to our podcast, even Omaha Steaks. No, that's creepy. That's, you just. But more importantly, Fortune, you cannot be doing your texts and emails and Omaha Steak ordering. When you are on with us, you are focused.

• 50:55Fortune Feimster?

  All I did was just click one thing and it was there.

• 50:58Tig Notaro?

  You are focused, madam.

• 51:00Fortune Feimster?

  I'm focused. Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt.

• 51:02Tig Notaro?

  What was my interesting story? Oh, when I'm on the road, I, I just go, here's the thing. Courtyard Marriott, well, first of all, my favorite thing when I check into a Courtyard Marriott is saying, "Oh my gosh, I'm so excited. Which way is the courtyard?" And then they're like, they're like, "Oh, we don't have a courtyard." I'm like, "Really? This is Courtyard Marriott, right?" All's advertising. But I heard, I don't know if it's true, that Bob Dylan chooses Courtyard Marriott as well. Somebody told me that. Yeah. Really? I started it for the mattresses and then when I stayed at places nicer and not as nice,

• 51:48Tig Notaro?

  I, I like a Courtyard Marriott mattress.

• 51:51Fortune Feimster?

  That's what you like.

• 51:52Tig Notaro?

  I stand by it.

• 51:53Fortune Feimster?

  The DoubleTree gives you chocolate chip cookies. I do enjoy that.

• 51:56Tig Notaro?

  That's nice. You're not vegan.

• 51:59Fortune Feimster?

  I don't think I know, I don't think I've gone to a hotel and clocked the mattress.

• 52:05Tig Notaro?

  Oh, really? Do you have a bad back?

• 52:07Fortune Feimster?

  No, but I feel like that's probably coming in time.

• 52:11Tig Notaro?

  Well, I have a bad back. I had spinal fusion and boy, do I have to keep an eye on what I'm sleeping on.

• 52:20Fortune Feimster?

  Oh yeah, for sure. If you've got that going, then you would notice that a lot.

• 52:25Mae Martin?

  And are you like a Marriott member or something?

• 52:28Tig Notaro?

  Oh my God, I could live there.

• 52:30Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 52:33Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 52:34Fortune Feimster?

  I like the boutique hotels usually when I'm traveling, I like the little local, whatever cute hotel they've put in that area.

• 52:46Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, but you know what? Not very reliable mattresses at boutique hotels.

• 52:51Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I do like a chain where I know there's gonna be just your basic gym, your business center, your

• 52:58Tig Notaro?

  Your tits out tub.

• 52:59Mae Martin?

  Your tits out tub.

• 53:01Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 53:02Mae Martin?

  Yeah, your, what was it? Butts out?

• 53:05Fortune Feimster?

  Butts out butthole bath.

• 53:11Fortune Feimster?

  Usually these boutique hotels have a, one of those coffee shops where the people are real turds to you and I love that.

• 53:19Mae Martin?

  You like that?

• 53:20Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, because the meaner they are, the better the coffee is.

• 53:23Mae Martin?

  Yeah, that checks out.

• 53:24Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, that didn't happen for me in New York this last time.

• 53:27Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, really?

• 53:28Tig Notaro?

  Oof, the barista was so mad at me.

• 53:31Fortune Feimster?

  And shitty coffee.

• 53:32Tig Notaro?

  It was just fine. It was perfectly fine.

• 53:35Fortune Feimster?

  Not worth the tood.

• 53:37Tig Notaro?

  No, I asked for half decaf.

• 53:40Mae Martin?

  As you do.

• 53:41Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah, anyway.

• 53:43Mae Martin?

  And what? She was like?

• 53:44Tig Notaro?

  He, yeah. He goes, so decaf? And I said, well, no, if I could get two shots regular and then two decaf. And he stared at me like I had ordered.

• 54:00Tig Notaro?

  A frappa, whipa, cherry on top, you know, like, I was just like, man, I just want, you know, a quad cap, half decaf with almond milk. Fine. It's not straightforward, but that's what I was in the mood for. It wasn't that insane.

• 54:18Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 54:20Tig Notaro?

  Anyway.

• 54:21Fortune Feimster?

  Anyway.

• 54:21Tig Notaro?

  I was a jerk. Well, that was lovely hearing from Rob Thomas. I really am a fan.

• 54:28Fortune Feimster?

  Yes.

• 54:29Tig Notaro?

  And if anybody cares, I have a tour right now. Tickets are on sale for my out of nowhere tour. Go to tignotaro.com for all my tour dates. I'm hitting mainly minor markets right now, and I don't mean that in an offensive way, just smaller cities, smaller towns.

• 54:49Fortune Feimster?

  That's cool.

• 54:50Tig Notaro?

  You know, hitting all that first. Also, the documentary I produced, Come See Me in the Good Light, is out on Apple TV. Check that out. Share it with friends. What's going on, guys?

• 55:04Mae Martin?

  I have a tour. I'm going to 35 cities. I'm really pumped. And tickets are on maymartin.net. It starts the end of February. Come see if I'm coming to your city and then come say hi. And I'm gonna, I'm gonna do stand up and then mix in some music and improv and all kinds of things. So come.

• 55:19Tig Notaro?

  Awesome.

• 55:20Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 55:21Fortune Feimster?

  Later this month, I'll be in St. Petersburg, Florida, and Orlando, Florida, and then Norfolk, Virginia, Salt Lake City, Vancouver, and Seattle. And at the top of the year, New Orleans, Mobile, Atlanta, and Cincinnati. So check those out. Fortunefeast.com.

• 55:39Tig Notaro?

  Also, go to handsomepod.com for merchandise and rate, review, subscribe to the podcast as well as our YouTube channel. And also, share your favorite episode with a friend. This community continues to grow and it's just the coolest. So thank you, everyone, for listening. And until next time, what do you say we?

• 56:03Fortune Feimster?

  Keep it handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Fortune Feimster, Tig Notaro, and Mae Martin. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Woolett. Email us at [email protected] and follow us on social media at HandsomePod.

• 56:29Mae Martin?

  That was a HeadGum Podcast.

• 56:32Speaker 00

  What's going on? It's Lamorne Morris.

• 56:34Speaker 05

  And Hannah Simone.

• 56:35Speaker 00

  And we host The Mess Around, a New Girl rewatch podcast on HeadGum. Now, here's the thing. Every single week, we chat about an episode of New Girl, and we really get into it. Like, we get up in there. We get up in there. You know, we reminisce about our times on set. We share behind-the-scenes tea. We react to rewatching episodes that we haven't seen in years. We talk about how Jake Johnson is dog-

• 56:56Speaker 05

  That's not true. We talk about so many memories we have of working with the biggest stars on the planet. I'm talking Prince, Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodrigo.

• 57:09Speaker 00

  We're just two BFFs having a good old time, okay? Sometimes, we even talk to other co-stars like Zooey Deschanel, Jake Johnson, Max Greenfield, and Damon Wayans Jr., and your dad. We talk to your dad on this show as well.

• 57:20Speaker 05

  Make sure you subscribe to The Mess Around wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every single Tuesday.