Moment 117 - The Unexpected Power Of Seduction: Robert Greene

In this moment, the bestselling author Robert Greene discusses how seduction is a high form of power that can make people do what you want without them realising it. Seduction does this by using pleasure and excitement to reduce people’s resistance to your ideas. Robert also breaks down the qualities of a great seducer, including being outer directed towards other people, a great listener and giving someone attention and a feeling of recognition. Finally, Robert explains why vulnerability is seductive and insecurity is not. While insecurity is self-absorbed, vulnerability is an openness to another person and the world. Listen to the full episode here - https://g2ul0.app.link/q8xLZecpdBb Watch the Episodes On Youtube - https://www.youtube.com/c/%20TheDiaryOfACEO/videos Robert: https://twitter.com/RobertGreene?ref_src=twsrc%5Egoogle%7Ctwcamp%5Eserp%7Ctwgr%5Eauthor Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:02Steven Bartlett?

  Why did you write a book about the topic of seduction?

• 0:07Robert Greene?

  Seduction is a high form of power because you make people feel pleasure, you make them feel excited or interested in you, and then their resistance to your ideas slowly lowers, and you have the ability to influence them and to move them in the direction that you want. If you yell at them, like we were talking about your child, and you tell them, "Do this, do that", they resent it, and for good reason. But if you're subtler, if you're more seductive in your approach, if you're more indirect, people will do what you want or go in your direction without ever even realizing it. So it was a sub-theme in The Forty-Eight Laws of Power. And so I was sort of interested in the psychology of that,

• 0:51Robert Greene?

  and why some people are good at it and some people are awkward about it. So when I finished The Forty-Eight Laws of Power, I thought this would be a natural segue, the next book.

• 1:01Steven Bartlett?

  What are the qualities of a great seducer?

• 1:07Robert Greene?

  Well, I like to distinguish between cold seducers and warm seducers. A cold seducer is something you don't want to be. That's the typical image that we might have of a male seducer, but even of a female seducer, like the great courtesans, instead of whether just after money or the men are just after sex. That's not my ideal. My ideal is kind of a back-and-forth quality, where it's not domination. It's sort of like a game that you're playing. It's like a mating game. It's like a courtship ritual, where both parties are kind of seducing each other. And so what makes for a great seducer is very simple. I can summarize it very simply. You are outer-directed.

• 1:51Robert Greene?

  So when you meet somebody for the first time, or you're on a date, or whatever it is... You're not having that internal monologue going, does she like me or does he like me? Am I dressed well? Am I saying stupid things? What can I do to impress them? No. You turn it off and you're outer directed and you're listening to them. And you're entering their spirit. And you're hearing them say things that, that give you idea of what they're missing in life, of what they want, of what their needs are, of what makes them an individual. You're absorbing it. You're entering into their spirit. And then you can reflect it back to them. You can give them gifts. You can take them to places that show that you're attentive to them.

• 2:36Robert Greene?

  Because if you look at how we are in our day to day life, normally people never pay us attention. They're always so self-absorbed. They're never thinking about us. The many, the times where you get the sense that people are actually interested in who you are as an individual is pretty rare. If you give that feeling to someone, it's incredibly powerful because we all want to be validated. We all want to be recognized. So the seducer is not someone who's all worried about him or herself and thinking. They're involved in the other person. They're absorbed like a sponge inside their psychology, inside their world.

• 3:17Steven Bartlett?

  A lot of this is, you know, very applicable to romance and dating, et cetera, et cetera. It feels for whatever reason, I, you know, not necessarily something I've read much about in your work, but it feels like dating and romance and relationships have become much more complicated in the modern world. That it's become much more difficult to seduce somebody. What is the, what are the attributes of someone then that is not good at seducing?

• 3:45Robert Greene?

  Anti-seducer has many qualities. I have a whole chapter on the anti-seducer. I tried to define it. There, there's several of them. I can't, I don't have them all memorized. But one quality that's very anti-seductive is preaching and moralizing. Is like telling people, oh, that's wrong what you just said. Or your politics are ugly. Or you're not a really, you're not really good at this or something or other. Having a moral superiority, a sense of sanctimonious sanctimony in a realm which should be about pleasure, where should be that kind of equality, that kind of back and forth dynamic, where you're asserting your moral superiority is deeply, deeply anti-seductive, the element of preaching to people.

• 4:29Robert Greene?

  Not being generous, and I mean, not just with money, money is important, but not being generous with your spirit, right? You want to be open, you want to give as much as you can to the other person of yourself, of your time, of your money, of your energy, et cetera. So being all kind of crimped and, "I don't want to give, I don't want to spend money, I want to take you to the cheap place to eat, I don't want to give you much time," is very, very anti-seductive.

• 5:01Steven Bartlett?

  When you were talking a second ago about the person who goes on the date and they're thinking about themselves and what they, you know, what their hair looks like or whatever else, that spoke to an insecure person. Is insecurity a seductive quality or is it a anti-seductive quality?

• 5:20Robert Greene?

  It is anti-seductive. Now, there is a part of weakness that is seductive. So I would say vulnerability is seductive, but insecurity is anti-seductive. And there's a big difference.

• 5:33Steven Bartlett?

  Why does vulnerability draw people to you?

• 5:36Robert Greene?

  Because the sense, so if I can define seduction in simple terms, most of the time, we are closed to the influence of other people. Particularly now, we have these walls up because life is harsh. People are coming at us with their advertisements, with their pleas, with their wanting money, with this and the other. And we've all learned to be very defensive, right? And seduction is an openness, is the opposite of that. And you felt it when you were a child towards your parents. You felt very vulnerable and open. And there was an element of your parents and how they treated you that was very much like a seduction, right?

• 6:18Robert Greene?

  So seduction is about being open to the other person to the extent where you can even fall in love, you can fall under their spell. And the sense of letting go of your ego, letting go of your defensiveness and letting another person enter your world is being seduced. It requires vulnerability. If you meet, the typical scenario is of a man who's not vulnerable at all. He's so powerful and in control and everything, has no vulnerabilities. It's frightening, you know, for a woman. It could be very frightening. Like this, he's so strong, he's so invulnerable. There's something wrong about it.

• 7:01Robert Greene?

  You know, maybe he's a serial killer, maybe he's got skeletons in his closet. Something isn't right about that. What seduces you about a puppy, about a child, about an animal? It's their vulnerability. It makes you want to hug them, it makes you want to help them, right? The sense, which if you came upon a tiger that's there and that they don't need that, well, that's not seductive. I mean, on your screen it is, but if they're there in your living room, that's not seductive. But that puppy is, right? Vulnerability, the sense that somebody needs protection or help, brings out qualities in us that we don't normally have, that I think allow for seduction. So that is being vulnerable.

• 7:44Robert Greene?

  That is, I can be influenced by that other person. I am open to their spirit, right? That's being vulnerable. The word vulnerable, I hate to sound like a professor here, so excuse me, seduction, comes from the root of it means a wound, vulnus. So you have a wound inside of you and you need healing. And the other person naturally wants to help you, right? But being insecure is the, means I'm so self-absorbed, I'm so worried about myself, that I can't get out of it. And we've all had that experience. When you meet somebody and you can sense, you can smell their insecurity in them.

• 8:28Robert Greene?

  I'm not judging them because we all have insecurities. It makes you feel insecure. It makes you feel a little bit awkward. Whereas if you meet someone who's not like that, who's confident, etc., it brings out that quality in you. So if you're on a date and there's someone who's, you smell that kind of insecurity, it makes you awkward and insecure, it creates a kind of a problem. So that would be the difference between the two.