940 Love, INTIMACY and Relationships During Isolation with DeVon Franklin

“In a relationship, we expect one season to always be the season.”QUESTIONSHow do we stay connected and loving without hurting each other in these times of isolation? (1:42)What do you think is a good portion of time away from your partner? (5:21)What are the lessons you have learned within your relationship? (9:31)How do we implement peace over panic during these times? (19:28)How can we cultivate intimacy without sex? (39:17)What do you do for your family to make things better in your partnership everyday? (45:13)YOU WILL LEARNWhy setting expectations for each day is important for the relationship (4:36)Why the model relationship has to be imperfect (9:41)How having a genuine commitment to your partner is essential (13:48)How understanding control will give you peace (22:21)Whether communication or sex helps a relationship become better (28:21)Why focusing on how this isolation will help us is important (38:12)How helping your partner find success will help your relationship (48:12)How praise and gratitude will help you navigate your pain (54:31)LINKS MENTIONEDThe Wait: A Powerful Practice for Finding the Love of Your Life and a Life You LoveByron KatieIf you enjoyed this episode, show notes and more at http://www.lewishowes.com/940 and follow at instagram.com/lewishowes Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Lewis Howes?

  This is episode number 940 with New York Times bestselling author, Devon Franklin. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week, we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

• 0:33Lewis Howes?

  Byron Katie said, "My experience is that the teachers we need the most are the people we are living with right now." Oh, I love that. And right now is the perfect time to learn and grow the most, especially with the person you're spending the most time with. Now, I don't know about you, but I've been living with my girlfriend for a few months now, and just moving in had its challenges. It's been a beautiful experience and overall amazing, but man, did I need to learn patience, did I need to learn communication, did I need to learn all these different things, and both of us needed to learn a lot. And even more so right now for couples, for people who are dating, for people who are in marriages.

• 1:18Lewis Howes?

  Some of you might be going through very, very stressful times right now. And I wanted to bring on someone who is an expert at this, who truly knows how to master relationships. His name is Devon Franklin, and he is an award-winning film and TV producer, New York Times bestselling author, international speaker, preacher, and spiritual success coach. He's the president and CEO of Franklin Entertainment, best known for the films Miracle from Heaven, Heaven is for Real, and New York Times bestselling book, The Weight, which he co-wrote with his wife, Megan Good. And with a commitment to uplifting the masses through entertainment, he has quickly become a force in the media, as well as a leading authority on faith,

• 2:00Lewis Howes?

  spiritual wellness, and personal development. And in this episode, I ask him a lot of personal juicy questions about his own intimate relationship with his wife.

• 2:10Lewis Howes?

  And advice for single people who may feel uncertain about relationships during social distancing. We talk about the importance of setting up individual and self-care time while you're living with your partner, all the amazing lessons that he is currently learning right now that he still needs to master in his relationship, the importance of intent, clarity, and flexibility in your relationships to grow and thrive, and the power of men staying committed to the well-being of the women in their lives, and so much more. This is going to be a powerful, juicy, lovable episode. Make sure to share it with a girlfriend, a guy friend, someone who you know is in a relationship who wants to thrive, or someone who's struggling in a relationship right now,

• 2:52Lewis Howes?

  and needing some more guidance and support. Just send them the link lewishouse.com/940, or copy and paste the link on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, or wherever you're listening to this, and text a friend right now. So without further ado, let's dive into this episode with the one, the only, Devon Franklin.

• 3:16Lewis Howes?

  Welcome everyone to School Greatness. We've got the man Devon Franklin in the house, New York Times bestselling author, superstar Hollywood producer, and preacher of our times. Thank you, man, so much for being here. I appreciate it.

• 3:30Speaker 01

  Oh, man. Listen, thanks for having me. Listen, when you put up the bad signal, I'm gonna show up.

• 3:34Lewis Howes?

  I love it, man. I love it. We connected, I think, a few years ago when I had you on first, first time, and I think you've been on a couple of times now. And we, you know, we live near each other, and we've ran into each other on the streets, and I've been to your office and seen how you impact so many people with your, I would call, day job of Hollywood producer, but your, your, your mission is really your service to inspire and impact people through your books about relationships, your book about how to be a better man in the world, and your, your social media message of being an amazing servant of spirituality, of God, of

• 4:14Lewis Howes?

  Healing of faith and of of just living a better life. So I appreciate you for for all that you do, the service you are to humanity and to all men and women out there in the world.

• 4:26Speaker 01

  Oh, man. Thank you, my brother.

• 4:28Lewis Howes?

  Of course.

• 4:28Speaker 01

  Honored to serve, man. Hey, we all in this together.

• 4:30Lewis Howes?

  Of course, man. And, uh, you know, people have been asking me, Louis, how do we? How do we handle these times right now with domestic violence? We were talking about before being up? Because people who are in relationships that don't thrive already, where they had an escape plan to go to work or to hang out with their friends. Now they're being isolated with with. It seems like relationships either thriving at an all time high or diving on an all time low because of the isolation. How do we as human beings in relationships stay connected and loving without literally trying to like hurt each other in these isolation times? Do you have any?

• 5:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:10Lewis Howes?

  General feedback before I ask you about your personal relationship and how you manage it?

• 5:14Speaker 01

  Sure, sure. Um, you know, I think first and foremost, I mean, let's deal with the issue of domestic violence, which is really, really, uh, it's just so upsetting to think that in a time like this, which should be bringing us together, that in some way bringing us more closer physically is causing harm to, you know, certain people who already were in an abusive situation. I would really encourage anyone, even if you're quarantined and you're in an abusive situation, to still seek the help you normally would if you were not. Critical, critical, critical. Even though maybe challenging, it may require, you know, either them going to stay with a friend or a family member or sorting something out, or maybe the authorities need to get involved,

• 5:55Speaker 01

  removing that element from the house. Whatever has to be done, I'm a firm believer that, uh, just even with the quarantine or pandemic, that that should not be an excuse to stay in an abusive situation, as difficult and challenging as that may be. Um, I think outside of that, you know, when it comes to relationships during this time, you know, one of the biggest challenges, if you are in a relationship and it's two things. One, are you, you know, living together or are you not? And so that those both those those scenarios come with different challenges. And I think if if you're living together, or in my case, you know, married, so you have spouse. Uh, I think one of the biggest tips on how to navigate this time is to make sure that each of you have personal time.

• 6:39Speaker 01

  Because and also get the expectations clear about how the days are supposed to be spent. Here's why I say that, because if you're working from home, like the majority of us are, there could be an expectation that, oh, well, we're both home. It's it's gonna be like a weekend day every day.

• 6:57Lewis Howes?

  Every day for two months.

• 6:59Speaker 01

  We're gonna be on the couch, you know, we're gonna be watching movies, Netflix. And then, you know, if someone has to do work, that could be disruptive if those expectations are not set. So setting expectations about what is supposed to be expected every day for the relationship is important. Other thing is that each person still needs individual time. Even if that's time to go walk around the block, even if that's time to say, hey, you know what? I'm gonna be in one area of the apartment, let's just say, you can be in the other area of the apartment. So that there is some still individual time, even though there's more collective time than ever. Because even in a relationship, we each need our own time in order to bring something stronger and greater to the relationship. If I spend every single moment of every single day, um, you know, with my wife or vice versa,

• 7:44Speaker 01

  I don't know that I'm going to be bringing to her my best because I haven't had a chance to read. I haven't had a chance to fill myself up. You know, I like to get myself filled up through a number of different things. So I have something to offer to the relationship. So I think these things are really critical, expectations and having some personal time um for each other.

• 8:02Lewis Howes?

  What if you don't have a lot of space and um?

• 8:06Speaker 01

  Cool.

• 8:06Lewis Howes?

  You're in a studio.

• 8:07Speaker 01

  One side of the couch and on the other side of the couch, okay?

• 8:10Lewis Howes?

  Why?

• 8:10Speaker 01

  I'm gonna be in the kitchen, you go be in, you go be on the bed.

• 8:13Lewis Howes?

  What do you think is a, you know? Everyone's different, obviously, but what do you think in normal times when you can go out and go to work and have your friend time and be outside of the house, I guess? What do you think is a good proportion of time away from your partner in order to create the best time together? Or what's the best balance? Is it fifty fifty alone together? Is it eighty percent together or twenty percent alone? Obviously, it's different for everyone, but what did you say is a, as a general calculation?

• 8:45Speaker 01

  That's a good question. See, I don't look at it as an actual calculation because every relationship is different. You know, some could be ten percent together, ninety percent apart, and it works. Some could be ninety percent together and ten percent apart, and it doesn't work. Some could be a hundred percent together and it doesn't work. Some could be a hundred percent apart and it's great. Here's what I think it comes down to. I think it comes down to this idea of the expectation of the other person. Meaning, if I am not, if I don't feel that I am responsible for my own happiness and my own well-being, and my partner is, I am gonna be, it's gonna be a problem. Because if I don't think that they're spending enough time with me for me to feel good

• 9:29Speaker 01

  or me to feel loved, because I may not feel good or may not feel loved unless this person is spending a certain amount of time. Time goes up and down, right? Life is difficult, challenges, we get met with challenges every single day. I believe that when we have the most productive relationship is because we each take ownership of making sure that we're doing the things that keep us happy and keep us full. And if we do that, then, hey, you know what? This week, you know what? Hey, it could be ninety, ten, ninety percent together, but ten percent, I gotta go on a trip. Or next week, it could be fifty fifty, or the week after that, it could be something else. But because each one is not dependent on the other, it doesn't mean that the other person doesn't enhance, right?

• 10:11Speaker 01

  Yes, the person that you love, when you are with that person, they absolutely can enhance your happiness and enhance your growth. But if I am dependent, or if you are dependent on your significant other,

• 10:24Speaker 01

  For your happiness, this issue of time is going to be a major fight in your relationship.

• 10:30Lewis Howes?

  There'll be a never enough time. It's like, I need more and more and the time you're with me, you need to make me happy. And don't make me angry, otherwise we're gonna be in trouble.

• 10:39Speaker 01

  But what you just said, this is man, if I could work on one phrase in a relationship.

• 10:44Lewis Howes?

  You make me happy. You make me angry.

• 10:48Speaker 01

  Right, right. But see, that's the thing, man. You make me. See, what has happened is we then, when anyone, any time someone says that, they outsource their own personal responsibility to someone else. So then if we wonder why we aren't happy, it's because our emotions go up and down. Because we've given someone else the control to control when we're happy, when we're not. It's like right here, you know, I got the remote control, right? If I wanna watch what I wanna watch, I'm gonna hold on to the remote.

• 11:19Lewis Howes?

  You're gonna take control.

• 11:22Speaker 01

  But if I give it to someone else, then I have to, I have to say, well, whatever they wanna watch. But what if it's not what I wanna watch? Well, it was my remote, I still gave it away. It doesn't mean that you both can't negotiate, right? But what I'm not gonna do is make that other person responsible. Because what happens is if that person does not meet my level of acceptability in this area. Then not only do I hold them responsible, but I judge them. And sometimes I misjudge their actions, saying, oh, you know what? Well, they must not love me. They must not care about me. They know that it's not true. Someone could love you more than anyone has ever. They just may be busy. And their busyness is not an indictment on whether or not they love you or they don't.

• 12:08Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. Are you, um, how have you and your marriage, has it shifted since you guys have been in quarantine? Has it gone stronger? Are you feeling like, oh, here's some ways that we weren't as strong that now we're diving into? What are the lessons you've learned personally in your relationship?

• 12:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, you know, I mean, what I've learned, you know, a lot of the thing, I mean, communication, setting expectations, I mean, you know, it's Have you had to reset them personally? Have you had to? Yeah, yeah, definitely, because But you guys are like the model relationship. You guys have it all figured out.

• 12:42Speaker 01

  No, no, no, the model relationship means we have problems too. That's the model relationship, right? Hey, we're not perfect, man. We go through it just like everybody else. But here's, here's how we were, how we've been navigating it, right? Because we're still in it.

• 12:56Speaker 01

  We've been navigating it through, you know, it's almost like a reset, right? Because she's, you know, acting and she was in New York prior to, you know, the virus hitting and everyone, you know, being, you know, working at home. So she was in New York shooting a TV show and I've been here doing all the different things that I do. So you had space and time. So we had space and time. So we were, you know, she was on one coast, I'm on this coast, doing what I had to do. We're checking in every day. We're FaceTiming every day. But we're not in the same physical space. And this has been the first time we've been in the same physical space for this amount of time in a very long time. Probably just the beginning of our marriage. Wow. So to be, to be in the close proximity has actually been great. But we've had to, you know, because, you know, because she's an actress,

• 13:40Speaker 01

  there's not much she can do until this, till her show starts again. Yeah. But because, you know, I'm, I'm an author, I'm a producer, I'm a You're working. You know, I'm doing You got more work now. Preacher, all, dude, for real. So, so we've had, her and I have had to have a bit of a level set to say, look, my love, like, everything that's going on in the world, you know, there are things that, that are put within me that the world needs right now. So even though I know I've always been busy, this is different. Because right now, you know, there's a real need to keep people's spirits lifted, inspired, to keep people hopeful. That's the, I mean, if we give up hope, we've, then we, we've lost. So she understands that, you know, there's a need, but I also try to do my best to still plug in during the day.

• 14:23Speaker 01

  Now I still sit up here in the office all day. I'll check in on her. How are you doing? What do you need? You know, like this morning, here's a real small, simple thing. So, you know, look, I'm, I'm busy from sunup to sundown. You're gone, man. Right? I'm going, I'm going. You got no time to check in with nobody. But this morning, she was like, uh, she got up and she made a comment about the trash.

• 14:45Lewis Howes?

  Oh.

• 14:46Speaker 01

  And, and, and, and, and my first reaction was, well, you know what? I, I said, I said, okay. I acknowledge what she said, but my first reaction was, yo, I'm busy.

• 14:56Lewis Howes?

  I got stuff to do.

• 14:57Speaker 01

  I got stuff to do.

• 14:58Lewis Howes?

  Come on.

• 14:59Speaker 01

  Get the trash out.

• 15:00Lewis Howes?

  Can't you just understand me?

• 15:02Speaker 01

  Right, but okay, but, but Louis, my brother, here, here's, here's what I realized.

• 15:08Speaker 01

  For her, that's an, that's important. For me, it, it's not about the trash. It's about acknowledging what's important to her. So if I had to push back a call for five minutes to go take out the trash so that she felt heard? And the thing that was annoying her no longer annoyed her, it was worth the time. Period. It was worth it. So, so in a time like this, we've been negotiating and I've also tried to stay sensitive to what is, what does she really need and do my best to fulfill it with, with her also being understanding that there's a major demand on my time right now. So it does require her to be very understanding and very, uh, giving in that way.

• 15:53Speaker 01

  Uh, because if she wasn't, it would probably create, uh, a lot, a lot of friction.

• 15:57Lewis Howes?

  Cause this is a new flow for you. Like you said, you've been married for what? Seven years or something?

• 16:01Speaker 01

  Uh, eight years in June.

• 16:02Lewis Howes?

  Eight years?

• 16:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:03Lewis Howes?

  And this is the most time you've spent together in one place in eight years. She's always acting. You're always working and traveling and busy.

• 16:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:11Lewis Howes?

  And what are some of the tools that you've used for the last eight years? That you're still using now that are working this, this time? And what are new tools that you're having to learn and apply during this time as well?

• 16:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, man, you know, some of the tools that, um, we've used and, and we continue to use is, you know, one just, it's, it's having a, a general desire.

• 16:37Speaker 01

  And commitment to the other's well being. This is, this is a principle that it, it can take shape in many different ways, but, but to have a macro genuine commitment to the other person's well being and to really in your heart of hearts. Want to make life easier, want to make life, uh, want to, want to improve life. And really want to be a support system. So that is something that both of us have had. Now it takes shape in different ways depending on what's going on. But when we, whenever we get into an argument, whenever we have a misunderstanding. We, we know that our heart is in the right place. Our intention is good. So maintaining a.

• 17:19Lewis Howes?

  Even though you may not like what the person is saying right now, what they're doing. You know, overall the intention wants to be a thriving relationship. You want the best for the other person. They're deeply.

• 17:30Speaker 01

  Yes, yes. And that's critical. That's critical because without, without that, because a lot of times there's a misunderstanding, not just because of specifically what is being argued about. But because sometimes there's a misunderstanding of intent. Because under, underneath the argument is like, well, does this person intend to hurt me? Does this person intend to leave me? Does this person intend to disrespect me? There's all these things underneath the surface about intent. That's why it's clear, it's important to be clear with, with our relationship. My intent is always good for you. Always, always. So that has been a macro, um, uh, practice and tool that we've always used.

• 18:09Speaker 01

  Now from a practical standpoint, we have absolutely had to navigate. You know how this looks because you know there are seasons. Every relationship is seasonal. And it's, it's men, listen, if, if it's raining outside, right? And you go out in, in some swim trunks. All right. Like it, like you think it's going to be sunny. It's going to be a problem.

• 18:32Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 18:33Speaker 01

  Or, or if it's sunny outside and you coming in with the rain boot, you're going out with the rain boots and umbrella. It's going to be a problem. Why? Because in a relationship, sometimes we expect one season to always be the season.

• 18:46Lewis Howes?

  You mean, you mean it's not always, uh, the perfect, uh, the perfect honeymoon season? The first year isn't every year after that, you mean?

• 18:53Speaker 01

  Oh man, no brother. Wait, wait till you do it. You're going to see what I'm talking about. You're going to see.

• 18:57Lewis Howes?

  I'm in, I'm in year two of a relationship. I just finished year one, long distance. She moved in almost three months ago and the first six weeks, I remember saying to her, in six months, we're gonna know if this is gonna be long-term, like probably forever, or you know, long-term, whatever that looks like, or see later, go back to Mexico, because she's from Mexico. And we would kind of joke about it, but it was like, everything was so perfect and amazing and no responsibility. And she had her things and I had my things. Yeah. And then we moved in, there was a level of expectation that was not communicated on both sides. Ooh, buddy.

• 19:38Lewis Howes?

  That we had to learn quickly. The first six weeks was a crash course in communication and dealing with, you know, frustration and hurt and upset. And when I was like, did we make the right decision there? You know, there were some moments of, moments of doubt, but it never shifted my commitment to saying, I'm all in on, on you and our love, our connection and being here for you and being of service at the highest level. And if we don't work out, it's not gonna be because a lack of commitment and effort in communicating and loving this experience from my end, nor it's gonna be your end. It's gonna be because we weren't compatible, or we didn't have the same values, or whatever reasons it didn't work out. And I tell you what, going through those, you know,

• 20:22Lewis Howes?

  it was first move to a new country, new culture, new language, new relationship, then Corona, and be isolated and not have your normal routine of gym and working out and all these things. Yeah. So we learned quickly, within the first couple of weeks of Corona. But I'll tell you what, man, it made me, my old way of being would have been, I don't have time to be patient. I don't have time for you not to understand me. I don't have, you know, how could you not see all that I'm doing for you, all that I'm giving? That's the old way of being. The new way has been, I'm all in and committed. My intention is to make sure you feel safe, loved and protected. And I think that commitment, that strong commitment that I have, that I'm like, I'm all in.

• 21:08Lewis Howes?

  And I'm willing to be as patient as possible, even when I'm busier than ever. It's made it so amazing and smooth. Now, I'm sure she's a passionate Latina, so I'm sure there's gonna be some moments there and there. But it's been like the level, the, you know, we're less reactive, we're so loving and listening and okay, how can I give? And I think coming from that place of service and giving, both of us, even when one is maybe busier than the other, has supported the overall relationship in a beautiful way. And it sounds like that's what you're doing as well.

• 21:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, it's the same thing, man. You know, I think the latest tool, I mean, we've had it, but it goes along with what you're saying. It's just flexibility.

• 21:49Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, man.

• 21:50Speaker 01

  I think that is just, oh my goodness. And when we lock our relationships into this rigidity, we constrict the growth of the relationship. And I love what you're saying about being committed and also being more flexible than you've ever been. You know, being more open minded, being more giving, being, I mean, you know, and that's not easy. You know, when you have been single for a long time and you're a man and you're used to things the way you want them to be. And then you invite someone else into your space.

• 22:18Lewis Howes?

  Your space, yeah.

• 22:21Lewis Howes?

  I hear you, man. Well, you talk about, you talk about peace over panic a lot. How do we implement peace over panic when all we feel is panic and stress and overwhelm and fear and uncertainty. It's really hard to shift. And just say, okay, this is a great concept and a great social media soundbite, but how do we implement peace into our life, into our relationship? When I can't stand to look at the person next to me right now, I can't overcome the fear of my financial stress, my physical stress, uncertainty of the future. How do we find moments of peace?

• 22:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, you know, peace, I believe fundamentally, when we have the most of it, it's when we have come into a revelation of what we can't control. And we are willing to submit to what we can. Right? Like that, to me, acceptance, like, okay, you know, this is within my control, this is outside of my control. And I think specifically, I'll talk overall and then I'll talk in relationship. So in a time like this. You know, panic means we, we, we give ourselves over to anxiety. Right? So we watch the news. We, we give ourselves over to those headlines. We're, we're looking at, you know, what's going on in social media and, and the challenges of this virus.

• 23:36Speaker 01

  And we look at potentially, you know, someone watching this may have already, you know, lost their job or been downsized or hours cut or needing to apply for unemployment, needing to apply for an, an SBA loan, needing to figure out how they're going to make ends meet. So for sure, looking at those elements or those variables, sometimes emotionally produces panic. What am I gonna do? But here's what I know.

• 24:02Speaker 01

  When we get into panic mode, when we get into worry mode, I don't know the benefit of being in that emotion. If we were to calculate, what is the benefit that we get out of it? How much time we spend worrying and what do we have to show for it?

• 24:21Speaker 01

  And what results do we have? Yeah. What results? So, so no matter how dire the situation, when we get into panic mode, we end up obsessing over elements that are out of our control. So when I say peace over panic, I don't mean to be in denial about the panic. I don't want anybody to be in denial about how they feel. Because I think anything we deny, we empower to destroy us. So I want, yes, I want, I want anyone going through this to feel the panic. Yo, I'm panicking right now. I'm in anxiety about my future. I'm in anxiety about my present. Okay, so then how do you get peace over panic? Peace is saying, let me become incredibly committed to working within my control.

• 25:05Speaker 01

  So what can I control right now? Well, I don't have a job. Okay, great. I can control the resumes I put out right now. I can control, uh, looking for a job. I can control who I call inquiring for a job. I can control, uh, you know, some things that I might need to clean up on my LinkedIn page. There's a lot that's within my control. I can call the unemployment office if I've been heard back. I can make sure the SBA has gotten my, my application. If I haven't heard back, if I don't have Medicare, I can go, go ahead and get an Obamacare. That's still available to you. Like, there's a lot. When you really boil it down, how can I structure my days so that I can actually have more control and have peace? Because we're in a time now where everything is out of our control. Yes, we can social distance, and that's what most people are doing.

• 25:48Speaker 01

  But in terms of when the virus is gonna subside, that's out of our control. The best we can do is do what we can and have peace about the rest. So, when I talk about peace over panic, I'm, this is not some sort of mantra for denial. It's, it's really a mantra for acceptance and also to be active. I do believe that if, if you and I sit in our, our rooms, apartments, houses, wherever you may be, all day in panic mode, we're, we're, we're, our mental health is gonna suffer, our physical health is gonna suffer, our emotional health is gonna suffer. So I know everyone watching this is gonna go through different things. But one clear strategy to me is to focus on, here's what I can control. And then what happens is when I start to focus on those things I can control, it gives me more peace.

• 26:32Speaker 01

  It's like, oh, okay, all right, yes, okay, I don't feel so hopeless or helpless. So important. Now, when you talk about that in a relationship, this is important because also, here, let's, let's be honest. I've gotten a lot of inquiries, I'm sure you had too, about a lot of people that are single. And, and, and this has hit them as a single person.

• 26:51Lewis Howes?

  You're alone.

• 26:52Speaker 01

  Panicking. Yeah, I'm alone.

• 26:54Lewis Howes?

  I can't go on dates anymore. I'm just texting everyone.

• 26:57Speaker 01

  Right, right, right, right. So, but here's what's happening though. Uh, and I'll hit relationships about peace over panic in a minute. With some of the singles out there, in panic mode, what happens? They creep back to people.

• 27:10Lewis Howes?

  Old relationships that don't support them, that they let go for a reason.

• 27:14Speaker 01

  For a reason, for a reason. They let go for a reason. But all of a sudden, in a moment of isolation or social distancing or a moment of feeling lonely, you text that person. You say, hey, how you doing? Just thinking about you, how you making it? And all of a sudden, you start this emotional relationship again with somebody that you know isn't right for you. And under any other circumstance, you wouldn't go back. But that's what happens when we panic. When we panic, we treat things that are irrational as if they were rational. Panic changes our perception. So what we think normally would be, oh, I would never do that. Now, I, you may think, oh, well, that's okay. So in a, if you're single, one of the key ways to have peace is to say,

• 27:58Speaker 01

  I am who I am. I know I'm great. I'm gonna make it through this. This is gonna be fine. This, I'm not gonna lose any time. Don't even, don't even give yourself over to that. And guess what? All these dating apps are still working, right? You could spend some more time evaluating.

• 28:12Lewis Howes?

  You could build FaceTime relationships with people. Yeah, yeah.

• 28:14Speaker 01

  There you go. Right, right. And go on some FaceTime dates, you know, check them out, see what's going on, see how they, you know, they are. But don't allow yourself to think that this pandemic is going to be the obstacle to finding love. It won't. As a matter of fact, you're gonna be able to see some things in some people that otherwise you wouldn't have been able to see, and you'll get clarity around that.

• 28:34Lewis Howes?

  You know, it's interesting. I love that you say this because it's easy for us to go back into old patterns to, to create relief, to create some type of, I don't know, a sense of love or connection or joy or whatever the feeling is. But, you know, this sounds cliche, but the obstacle in front of you is the greatest opportunity to find a better relationship, to find some of that might be a better match or true love or whatever you wanna call it because, I tell you what, when I met my lady, we FaceTimed every day for thirty days before I met her in person. And most of, and we spent, you know, the first day was ten minutes on FaceTime, then it was fifteen, twenty, then you're on three hours, right? You're like, okay, I'm really connecting with this person over FaceTime to see if we have

• 29:20Lewis Howes?

  the same values, compatibility. Whereas in person, if I'd have met her in the first night, it's tough to keep my hands off of someone I'm attracted to, if you know what I'm saying, especially if I don't have the right skills as a single man, you know what I mean? But when you're forced to have distance.

• 29:37Speaker 01

  Oh, man.

• 29:38Lewis Howes?

  Then you get to learn, like, is this the right match because of their values? Is this the right, are we more compatible as opposed to having a sexual chemistry in the first night or first three dates? And kissing or leading into the bedroom, whereas that would naturally progress into a pattern of the past of getting into something without communicating about values or making sure that there's more than sexual chemistry, because you know that it's not just about, I mean, you spent a year, I think, without sex with your wife. You wrote a whole book about it.

• 30:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

• 30:09Lewis Howes?

  And there's so much you gain. By not diving into sex or that type of sexual intimacy right away. And you really learn, do I want to give this person more energy and more time? Or, okay, I spent a month on FaceTime, they're not the right fit for me right now. And, and this could be the greatest opportunity for you to find someone. And connect with someone who could be a great life partner, lover. Friend, all those things that you want out of a partnership as opposed to someone to bring you some comfort and sex right now.

• 30:44Speaker 01

  Oh, man, dude, listen, you're now, now you're.

• 30:46Lewis Howes?

  The preacher's turning, baby, let's go.

• 30:48Speaker 01

  I love it, I love it.

• 30:52Lewis Howes?

  So, that's why I think it's.

• 30:55Speaker 01

  But that message, see, this is, this is why I think this, this pandemic. Or dating can actually be a really helpful to the point you just brought up. Because it, because, because a lot of times. Um, we, we, you know, listen, I was, I was celibate for a while before getting married and. Wrote a book called The Weight about the value of waiting until marriage. And I know that that's not everybody's practice or everyone's. Um, uh, commitment and that's okay. But here's what I do believe. I believe that in order to know who somebody is. You should wait as long as possible because a lot of times sex is what is destroying. Your, your, your dating life. Because you're being, you're, you're being physical with someone you don't know. If you wouldn't give them the code to your phone, why would you share your body with them?

• 31:39Lewis Howes?

  Oh, snap.

• 31:40Speaker 01

  Think about it. You, in, in dating, you're sharing your body with someone you don't even trust enough to give them the code to your phone. But then you're going to give them your body?

• 31:50Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 31:51Speaker 01

  And then we want to know why dating isn't working is because we aren't taking time to evaluate. Who is this person? Where are they going? What are they about? Anyone can trick somebody in the bedroom.

• 32:04Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 32:05Speaker 01

  Anyone can turn somebody upside down in the bedroom and then they think, oh, my goodness. That's not, that's infatuation.

• 32:13Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 32:13Speaker 01

  Love is commitment. Love is saying, hey, I mean, I didn't be feeling you right now, but I'm not leaving you because I love you. I'm committed to you, right? But, but so often in dating, we're, we're tethering the relationship to the quality of, of the fake connection with sex. Now, when you have love, right? And that's love there. And then you have sex, that's a whole nother discussion. Yeah. But a lot of times, in my opinion, now this is not, this is just my opinion, when you put sex first, and then you're trying to build that connection, it doesn't always work out that way. And so one of the things I think is critical during this period of time, to your point, is it's now these barriers are set up for those that are single to practice, you know, delayed gratification. You're forced to wait. They're forced to wait. This is like a perfect for you.

• 32:58Speaker 01

  This is everything you could say. Now you're forced, you can't go see people. This is the greatest blessing and potentially your relationship or potential relationship for, for, for. For sure, because to your point, like what you said with, with your girl, which is amazing, your girlfriend. It's amazing that you all had time to learn each other. Do I like her? Do we have good conversations? Does she like me? Because when you're forced to go deep with somebody, then you understand what's there. Like if you, if you had sex, you know, first couple of dates, you're not really worried about going deep. I'm like, I got what I want. I got. I'm good. I don't need to go deep. Yeah. But by the time, by the time the relationship requires there to be more depth, given the amount of time you spent,

• 33:42Speaker 01

  that's when a lot of relationships start to fret. Because, you know, a lot of guys are like, oh, well, I kind of got what I wanted. And the woman's like, well, no, I want more sometimes. And sometimes it's vice versa, right? There, there are situations like that. But I think this pandemic time is, is will do, will do great for relationships. Because I really think to your point, it will give us, give those that are single more time to evaluate, more time to, to talk and discuss. Because conversation, I'm, I've been married eight years. I can tell you right now, conversation and communication is the number one thing to me, to evaluate if this person is meant for you or not. They can look good, they, they can hug good, kiss good, all these other things.

• 34:23Speaker 01

  They can have great, you know, a, a great pedigree, great family, great education. But if you all cannot communicate and your conversation is not good.

• 34:34Speaker 01

  I believe that that that relationship is not going to be uh strong long term.

• 34:38Lewis Howes?

  Cause you're not having sex 24 hours a day.

• 34:40Speaker 01

  You're not.

• 34:41Lewis Howes?

  You can't do it.

• 34:43Speaker 01

  But you're talking all day.

• 34:45Lewis Howes?

  And what are you gonna do with the time between that? You know what I mean? That's the thing.

• 34:48Speaker 01

  Yes, yes.

• 34:49Lewis Howes?

  That's when I realized, you know, in my personal relationship, I feel like so grateful because I can sit there and listen to my girlfriend talk and tell these crazy funny stories that she has. And I'm just like, I enjoy my time with you. Just connecting and just, you know, rubbing your hair and rubbing your back and holding your hand. And it doesn't have to be this sexual lusting experience all the time or whatever. And there's a place and time for that, but it's

• 35:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:14Lewis Howes?

  But it's like, man, I could go, I could go a long time with just being present with you because I appreciate you, I value. I I love the way we connect and communicate and have fun and explore conversations and topics about life and God and what's happening in the world. I love your perspective and ideas on things.

• 35:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:35Lewis Howes?

  Opposed to just, I love the way we, you know, get down in the bed.

• 35:39Speaker 01

  Right.

• 35:40Lewis Howes?

  It can only go so far. And I think that's a mistake a lot of people make. You know, I think, and I'm not saying this is wrong if you have sex on the first day or whatever, that's it's your choice, but

• 35:49Speaker 01

  Totally your choice, yeah.

• 35:50Lewis Howes?

  When women say, okay, let's go here. And then they have an expectation for men to be meeting them at, and they don't get there. This is gonna get women to really say, okay, you're right. Maybe I should take time and space for this and really evaluate when we go there. I'm not saying it needs to be,

• 36:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 36:08Lewis Howes?

  you know, months or a year. It's like, just evaluate it more. And it's gonna you know, force men to really say, you know what? Now that I can't have this right now, I need to step more into being curious about this person and asking the right questions and and showing that I'm curiously committed to wanting to date them in the future and not just. Trying to swindle them to have sex tonight and, uh, you know, booty call stuff, so.

• 36:35Speaker 01

  Absolutely. I mean, what you're hitting on is is so good and it's so important. Uh, getting those expectations clear. Cause I do think that the way that that dating has progressed. Especially with the apps and whatnot and just the, you know, the damage that. I mean, you know, you, you know, you're, you're both the mask of masculine, the mask of masculinity.

• 36:55Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 36:56Speaker 01

  Um, you know, their, their society has done such damage to men, meaning. Most men, the way that they live are living in such a way where they put out the expectation that if you're putting out. Uh, great. And if you're not, I'm moving on, right? So then as a result, a lot of women feel the pressure. That even if I want to get to know him, I have to put out as a condition of getting to know him, right?

• 37:20Lewis Howes?

  A lot of pressure.

• 37:21Speaker 01

  It's a lot of pressure, but let's be honest, a lot of it's happening right now. And I, my hope is that as men, that men really begin to look in the mirror during this time. To your point, you can't go out there and get sex. So what's really driving you? And have you been, have you been allowing some women, leading them on when you don't mean any goodbye? Maybe this pandemic time.

• 37:42Lewis Howes?

  I've been there in the past. I've been there in the past.

• 37:45Speaker 01

  Hey, I, I was there before I got married, man. So I, I learned a lot. I learned a lot. Um, but there was a time when I said, okay, you know what? I gotta put away, I gotta stop this because I'm not meaning these women any, any good. And I'm hoping that any man right now would look in the mirror and decide, who do I want to be? Have I been leading some women on? Am I just talking to some of them because I'm, I'm, I'm lonely, you know? Or who do I want to be? And I think that in this period of time, we got to, as men, we have, I love what you said. You know, it's like, yo, there may be times when, you know, things aren't the best. You, she may get on your nerves, but you're hanging in there. You're committed, you're committed. And I, my hope was that more men would be committed to the wellbeing of the women in their life. And sometimes the wellbeing is, I gotta let you go because I was never serious.

• 38:29Speaker 01

  And I don't want to be more harm. I don't wanna do more.

• 38:32Lewis Howes?

  That's a hard lesson that I've learned the hard way.

• 38:36Speaker 01

  My bad.

• 38:36Lewis Howes?

  And when you, when you let someone go because you know it's not the right fit, you are doing, uh, when you don't let them go and you know it's not the right fit, you're doing a big disservice to the only, the other person, but also to your life as well.

• 38:51Speaker 01

  Absolutely.

• 38:52Lewis Howes?

  Cause you're hurting yourself by saying, okay, um, I know this isn't right, but I'm gonna just stick around a little longer. I'm gonna try to do my best because I care about the person. I don't wanna hurt them. That's one of the greatest disservices you can do to yourself, obviously the other person, but you're missing out on a, a, a relationship that is right for you, or that's a better fit for you, or that's more deeper intimate love and connection, spiritual connection with the right person as opposed to should I be in this and constantly questioning every day and every week. And I've been there a few times in the past and man, it's, it's wasted time. I don't wanna say it's wasted time because you're gonna learn, but man, I would rather get out of it quicker when you know it's not the right fit, but.

• 39:32Speaker 01

  It's not the right fit. No, man, it's, and, and I, and the good news, I think in a time like this is because, you know, everyone can't go anywhere now. You can't socialize normally. I think organically, uh, you know, some of these relationships or dating shifts are ending and coming to a head because the reality was there was not much there, uh, to begin with. And so, you know, I would also say to, you know, any, any woman who's single right now, you know, really evaluate the man that you were dating, you know, how, how does, how does he check in? What's the quality of the situation? Do you want it more than he wants it? Don't put yourself in a situation where you feel like in that panic mode that if you don't just take the little crumbs that are offered, then you're not gonna get any at all. Peace may be, hey, you know what? Listen, I'm gonna take a step

• 40:17Speaker 01

  away. I'm really gonna social distance myself because I'm tired of getting the little bit when you really want a full meal. You know what I mean?

• 40:25Lewis Howes?

  These women are hungry. They want the full meal. Let's go.

• 40:28Speaker 01

  Full meal, you know, stop giving me these crumbs, right? But you know how it is, you know, man will keep giving crumbs if that's what's accepted. It doesn't make it right.

• 40:36Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, if he can hit the whole cookie, he'll give you a couple crumbs every now.

• 40:39Speaker 01

  Man, but I hold every man accountable. Even I I hold every man accountable. Just because that may be the way things could be operating now, that doesn't mean every man should do it. Right to your point, right? You you have lived and you have come to an evolution where you say, you know, as a man, there's certain things I want to do, even if I could do it. I don't want to do it. And I'm hoping that this pandemic will really uh create more self-awareness, more introspection uh into men and women um around this issue of of dating. And one thing I do want to touch on real quick is in a relationship, choosing peace over panic. You know, if you're in a relationship, um I think the way you choose peace is that you gotta know that if you're in this pandemic and you're in it with your significant other,

• 41:23Speaker 01

  I believe it starts in the mind. You gotta believe this is gonna bring this is gonna bring us closer. It's not gonna break us apart.

• 41:28Lewis Howes?

  Yes. You have to create that intention and say, every challenge, like you said, it's gonna make us stronger and more fortified and it's gonna build a foundation for our our castle, empire, whatever you want to create.

• 41:41Speaker 01

  Yes, because if we can make it through this, then we're on the other side of it. Our relationship, our marriage is gonna go to another level. So instead of focusing on the annoyances and and oh, I can't believe this and the frustrations, I think it's about looking at it saying, okay, this is an opportunity to grow. This is an opportunity to communicate better. This is an opportunity to clarify. So instead of focusing on what's not working, try to flip it so you can see how it can be used to benefit the relationship, not to the detriment of it.

• 42:09Lewis Howes?

  I love this. And how do you think we can increase intimacy in our relationship right now besides just having sex during this time? What are some things that both men and women or gay partners can do to to cultivate more intimacy without sex?

• 42:28Speaker 01

  Here here's the number one question. Right now to do that, what are you afraid of right now?

• 42:34Lewis Howes?

  That is good, man.

• 42:39Speaker 01

  Come on, because here's what's happening. Everyone, everyone is human and we all have some fears. Some fears, some have more fears than others, but we all have fear. But what happens is in a time like this, sometimes there's a temptation to want to be strong for your partner. So as a result, you don't really voice what's really going on on the inside. Yo, I'm scared. Like, man, I mean, I know I have a job now, but what if I don't? When this is all over, you know, how are we gonna make it? We had hopes to buy a house. We, we were supposed to do this. What are we gonna do? You know, my, my, my, my mom, she's older. How is she gonna be like, whatever the fear may be.

• 43:22Speaker 01

  If you want to get closer, talk about your fears in this season. Be open and honest and say, I'll be honest, here's what, here's what really scares me right now. Here's what I'm really worried about right now. That's not a sign of weakness. That's a sign of strength. And what happens is in that vulnerability, a stronger connection is built because you'd be surprised. And maybe your partner, your significant other is, is afraid of some of the same things, or they have different fears that they've never expressed. It is okay in a time right like this, be in touch with your fears. Don't, because here's what happens. If we don't get in touch with that one question, what we find is that the relationship, when it could go deeper, it actually becomes more artificial.

• 43:59Lewis Howes?

  Hmm, gosh.

• 44:01Speaker 01

  Because every interaction is just like, oh, well, what do you want to eat? And what do you want to watch? And, you know, uh, who are we gonna zoom today? And let's go walk the dog or whatever those things are. And all those things are fine. But you find that what's really going on, you don't talk about. And you don't have to even, that your partner doesn't have to be equipped with a solution. But just to be able to get it off your chest in this time, I believe, is the one thing that everyone can do, which I believe will produce tremendous intimacy outside of sex in this time.

• 44:31Lewis Howes?

  What has there been? That's powerful and I love that. I think everyone should have those conversations today about asking, you know, and start. I think you, you create intimacy by starting with vulnerability first, not asking the other person, what are you afraid of? You tell me first and then I'll tell you. It's by you, you leaning into it. Hey, I want to have a conversation about something I'm afraid of. And I wanted to have an open conversation about it. And and express myself and have any and listen to you if you have any fears and figure out how we can come together during this. And I'm curious, have you had any fears that you shared with the with your wife or she had any with you that you guys have talked about?

• 45:10Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, yeah, we we talked about a lot of fears, you know, I mean, we we are, we have not started having children yet. We were planning on doing that later this year, but with the delays in her productions and and obviously with the pandemic, it looks like that's going to be put off until next year. And so we've talked a lot about, you know, our fears, you know, around that. Um, you know, around, you know, how we can navigate, you know, getting even closer uh, to be the best parents that we can be and, uh, you know, fears of, okay, you know, are the strength of our marriage and how it can endure child. Uh, you know, bringing your child into it and what our dynamic is going to be. So, man, yeah, we we've had some some really, I would say very healthy conversations about fears.

• 45:55Speaker 01

  Um, uh, and they have been at times difficult, other times not not that difficult. But, you know, the the good news is that even in a conversation that has been difficult, uh, going back to that intention, we know our intention is good for one another. So we've been able to sort it out and talk it through in a way that has been, uh, been positive.

• 46:14Lewis Howes?

  I'll tell you what, anytime, I've had a lot of difficult conversations in the last three months with my my girlfriend because of the nature of moving in and Corona and, you know, all these different changes that we're both having. And every time I shy shy away from the difficult conversation. And there's a time and a place for like having space and coming back together, but every time I don't want to talk about it, we don't come closer. And every time I'm like, okay, I'm going to be the Zen patient master today. And I'm going to ask every challenging thought and say everything that I need to say, even if it's painful or hurtful. When I lean into the difficult conversation,

• 46:55Lewis Howes?

  that's when it's like this beautiful thing blossoms afterwards. Almost every time, it might take a couple hours, but it's like, okay, we both come to an understanding, we both appreciate and acknowledge the challenging things we needed to say, but man, we came together stronger and. It's so, for me, I'll speak for myself, it's always been very hard to have the hard conversations. But now, I'm finally thirty seven and learned through a lot of pain and agony and mistakes that, no, that's the, that's the, the beautiful juice and the fruit of the relationship comes from those challenging conversations from my personal experience.

• 47:34Lewis Howes?

  And the beauty that comes in afterwards is priceless. The peace you gain afterwards as opposed to the underlying, you know, stress of not having the conversation. For me, it's been amazing. And again, we're not, we're not perfect. We're still learning and I'm sure there's gonna be challenges.

• 47:50Speaker 01

  Man, you'll be learning from now until, but, yes, but it does, man, it does. It's amazing though, right? It's amazing that when you're, when you're able to communicate and when she's able to communicate what that does to the relationship and how that builds that intimacy and brings you closer. Um, because even though we may not be verbally communicating, especially when you're sharing space with someone, you're always communicating.

• 48:13Lewis Howes?

  Always.

• 48:14Speaker 01

  Always. So that whatever's bothering you, you're communicating it. So when you actually get a chance to verbalize it, it really, really, I think, you know, if you're verbalizing the right way, it can really help the relationship.

• 48:25Lewis Howes?

  I feel like, I feel like Devon, you're like the model husband and man, and I'm sure, I'm sure, I'm sure, I'm sure, I'm sure Megan would be like, yeah, but if you really knew him, he's not doing this.

• 48:34Speaker 01

  That's right.

• 48:35Lewis Howes?

  So I understand, we all have our, you know, our, our, uh, personal lives and experiences, but I'm curious, what is the thing you do every day in your relationship that you're really proud of, that you do as a, as a man and as a husband? What are the, maybe it's a, something you say, maybe it's an act, maybe it's something you don't do, but what's the thing you do every day? That you're like, you know what? This is, makes me proud for the husband I am being, that I aspire to be, even though you're not perfect, but you're proud you do every single day. Could be small, could be some big gesture.

• 49:11Speaker 01

  Yeah. I mean, I, I, I think it's the little things, you know, I mean, I'm, I, I always check in with her. I always say I love you. We pray every day. Together, um, you know, and I always check in with her, you know, what do you need? You know, what can I do for you? So even as the demands of the world for my time increase, especially in a time like this, I never want that to happen at the expense of her knowing that I'm still committed to her well-being. So it's just those small things, you know, it's the small things. Hey, you know, what are you doing? How you doing? What do you need? You know, I love you, you know, like just those little things. Uh, and it's really, and that's what it really, I mean, what it's built on. I think any great relationship is just built on little things.

• 49:53Lewis Howes?

  It's not these grand gestures every day. It's the little moments.

• 49:56Speaker 01

  No, no. Cause I think, I think anyone, anyone who is trying to do a grand gesture every day is gonna get worn out.

• 50:03Lewis Howes?

  It's exhausting.

• 50:05Speaker 01

  It's exhausting. It's exhausting because then you get into performance mode. You know, oh my goodness, if I perform, then I'll get the applause. If I get the, if I perform, then, then they'll love me versus, no, I'm just gonna be. I'm just gonna be and I'm gonna stay connected. I'm gonna stay committed and just in those little things, that to me is what lays a strong foundation. And so eh, for me, you know, again, I'm not perfect, but I think that she would probably agree I do those things right as well.

• 50:31Lewis Howes?

  Imagine you've been married fifty years, seventy years, a long time. And you get to look back and, and reflect on your way of being for those fifty, seventy, whatever plus years you guys are married. And um, you look back, what would you be most proud of that you did consistently over decades? What is like the ultimate thing you could do as a husband, you think in the future? For you to look back on and say, I'm proud because I showed up in this way. And uh, what would that look like for you?

• 51:07Speaker 01

  Um, not allowing um, my, I mean, let me phrase it in a different way. A lot of times in my experience, in my perspective, I see that a lot of husbands seemingly demand the sacrifice of their wives' own dreams for the support in pursuit of their own.

• 51:35Speaker 01

  So for me, I think I would be very proud of never putting that on the relationship to the degree where she felt like she couldn't become all she wanted to be because I was demanding her to be that for me at the expense of being it for her.

• 51:53Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 51:54Speaker 01

  My hope as a, you know, fifty years or whatever, that I would have helped create an environment in our marriage where she feels one hundred percent supported to be and do everything she's called to be and do and never feel that she has to make the choice be- between becoming her best self, her full self, and being my wife.

• 52:16Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 52:17Speaker 01

  And, and me never making her feel that that's a choice that she ever has to make.

• 52:21Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 52:22Speaker 01

  That to me is something that I would look back on and, and pray that I would be living in such a way where, you know, fifty years from now, we could make, we could assess it and that this statement would hold true.

• 52:33Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 52:33Speaker 01

  Because I see too many women give up their lives, their energy, their ideas, their purpose, just to support. And I'm not saying just because supporting some man, you know, I get it. But what about you could still support and still become?

• 52:50Lewis Howes?

  Ooh.

• 52:51Speaker 01

  But in, in some, you know, marriages from my perspective, sometimes that's not really supported. That idea is not supported. It's like, no, if I'm the man and I have a heavy schedule, I need you to do this or I need you to do that. You know, I feel like as a man, I want to live in such a way where she is free and she can become and she can do. And she never looks back and says, well, if he hadn't wanted me to do this, you know, I, I would have, I, I could have done that, but he told me not, no, I don't want that. There may be, maybe situations where she on her own says, you know what, I'm not going to do that because that's not good for my marriage.

• 53:27Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 53:28Speaker 01

  But I need, I want her to come to those decisions on her own, not because I'm demanding that she becomes something different to be with me. That is something that I would like to see.

• 53:38Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, that's powerful, man. I got a couple of questions left for you before I ask them. Um, I want to make sure everyone go supports you and follows you on social media because you've got so much more of this good content on your social media. You're preaching every day. You're teaching about relationships. You're showing behind the scenes of things you guys are doing in your life. You're showing stuff from the Hollywood angle, movie angle. So make sure you guys check out Devon. How else, and get your books. How else can we support you before I ask a couple of final questions?

• 54:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, you know, look, I mean, I'm on Instagram and Facebook at Devon Franklin and Twitter and, you know, I have a mentor mail group, you know, through my website, devonfranklin.com.

• 54:18Lewis Howes?

  For men?

• 54:20Speaker 01

  For, no, no mentor mail. Men, for men and women.

• 54:23Lewis Howes?

  Got you, got you.

• 54:24Speaker 01

  Mentor.

• 54:24Lewis Howes?

  I thought you said you mentor males. That's what you said.

• 54:28Speaker 01

  Mentor mail. Mail. M A I L.

• 54:31Lewis Howes?

  Oh, that's cool.

• 54:32Speaker 01

  So, yeah, you know, people, you know, signed up all around the world and I, you know, send out a weekly message to try to inspire and keep people informed.

• 54:39Lewis Howes?

  That's cool. And where is that? Is your website?

• 54:41Speaker 01

  Website, yeah, devonfranklin.com.

• 54:42Lewis Howes?

  Okay, yeah, definitely check that out. And do you do a texting message yet?

• 54:47Speaker 01

  No, man. Are you on the texting?

• 54:49Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I'll get you. If you want to get set up with it, let me know. I'm sure you got connection there.

• 54:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, it would be dope. I'd love it.

• 54:54Lewis Howes?

  It's big, man. Um, okay, this is a question for you. So make sure, first off, make sure you guys follow Devon because he is an inspiration. And I love your messages of spiritual connection that you have to the world and how you're constantly in service to all of us. You know, you're sharing, you're preaching from there, and I love that. And I wanted to lean into that type of content that you do for a moment. And I would like even for you to imagine a scenario that everyone in the world who is in an isolated setting right now in a relationship of pain.

• 55:32Lewis Howes?

  They're with their partner, whether their boyfriend, girlfriend, married. Uh, but they're in a painful relationship and they can't get out because of isolation. And I want you to imagine all those people are watching and listening right now. And you've got a minute, minute and a half to, to give a message. For people who are in pain or in a relationship and they feel like they're stuck, they're trapped, they can't get out. They don't know what to do. They don't know how to get out. They don't know how to communicate. They feel a shell themselves. What message, no pressure. What message, if they're, if they're all, if they're all listening and watching you right now.

• 56:16Lewis Howes?

  And you can share one message with them to lift them up or give them some peace. What would you share?

• 56:22Speaker 01

  I, I would share that you've got to find one good praise to help you navigate your pain. Here's what I mean by that. Pain can be so severe, especially when you're talking about the dynamic. You just painted when you're in something, you can't quite get out because you know where the pandemic has hit and, and you can't go anywhere right now. You can't fix it. So you are in pain, right? So you may be with a partner who, who doesn't want to communicate, who's not trying to talk to a therapist. You can even do a zoom session. You may, you may be with someone who just does not want to become better. And the moment that this is over, you've already made the decision, it's over and you're leaving. But until then, you have to endure. So every moment is painful.

• 57:04Speaker 01

  The way to deal with pain, I believe is praise. You've got to find one thing that you are thankful for. One thing, that gratitude, that thankfulness, that praise. And so, you know, it could be a song, it could be an idea, it could be life, whatever it is. You've got to find that because that praise will help you navigate the pain because I'm in pain. But you know what? I'm still grateful I'm alive. I'm here. You know what? I know what my plan is when I get out, when this is over, I already know my strategy. And I'm just going to take it one moment at a time. That praise, that gratitude is what's going to help anyone listening right now. Navigate that pain because your pain can be so great. That it wants to trick you into not being grateful, into not finding one thing.

• 57:47Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 57:48Speaker 01

  And, and so what you gotta do is that you're, you're, you're, you're, when you have a praise, like, so we're talking about a spiritual standpoint, like, you know, I'm from the black church, right? So, you know, when we talk about praise.

• 57:57Lewis Howes?

  Hallelujah.

• 57:58Speaker 01

  Hallelujah, amen, you know, uh, praise can be like a song or, or like an affirmation or a scripture, you know, or a praise of God, like, God, thank you, thank you, you know, getting that praise. Uh, if you're, if you don't share that experience, praise can still be a positive affirmation, something positive you're grateful for. When we choose that praise in the midst of our pain, you would be surprised at how it helps someone in that situation navigate the very pain that seemed like it's going to destroy. Because it's, it's really hard when we choose gratitude, it's really hard to be disgruntled and, and gracious at the same time. The moment we say, you know what, I'm grateful I'm alive today, yep, this relationship is terrible, but I'm alive.

• 58:44Speaker 01

  You know what, I'm alive, I got something to be praised, to be thankful for, I got my praise, right? You know what, I'm so glad that this virus hit because it revealed who I was actually living with. I didn't even know because we were too busy, we were running. Now I see, oh, wow, we need some major help. And if we don't get major help, then, you know, we may have to separate, but I got the revelation. So as much pain as the revelation gave me, I got that praise because I'm thankful. Cause there's nothing worse than to have been in a relationship that was false. Now you're getting the real. So this is what I would say, you gotta get a praise to combat your pain.

• 59:26Lewis Howes?

  And have a sense of peace, knowing that the future will bring peace because you'll get out of it. If that's the case, if it's not supposed to be, if it's not supposed to work out, you're going to have peace in the future. Once this is done, because you're going to end it.

• 59:37Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 59:38Lewis Howes?

  And you've got clarity, I remember at the end of, uh, last year, 2019, I was, I was saying, and other people were saying that 2020 is the year of perfect vision. It's the year of clarity.

• 59:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 59:48Lewis Howes?

  No one thought that when, when Kobe, when Kobe died, when Corona happened.

• 59:54Speaker 01

  Right.

• 59:54Lewis Howes?

  Things happening, like 2020 is a disaster, it can be 2021, but this is the time, it's perfect for clearing out the mess, the distraction and finding out what you want. Getting clarity on your life, whether it be your intimate life, your career life. If you lost your job, maybe it's a time for you to reevaluate, what do I want in my career? What do I want in my, my family, my friendships? This is, 2020 is the perfect timing to getting clarity. It may not be the way we wanted it to be. And sometime, you know, I would assume that in the church, you would say, you know, sometimes, uh, you know, God may not give you what you want, but he gives you what you need.

• 1:00:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, God may not come when you want him, but he's right on time.

• 1:00:34Lewis Howes?

  There you go. You don't say it's like, so.

• 1:00:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, so I love, I love what you just said, man. That's deep. I hadn't thought about it that way. That this, that I've said 2020 is the year for vision, but I hadn't thought about like, wow, we're seeing things more clearly than we probably ever have because we've had to stop.

• 1:00:49Lewis Howes?

  Had to stop.

• 1:00:50Speaker 01

  That's the thing. We've had to stop. That's what's been so amazing. Everyone has had to just stop for a minute and think and look and observe. And that right there clarifies a whole lot.

• 1:01:03Lewis Howes?

  Hmm. Devon, man, I appreciate your friendship, your wisdom, your spiritual truths. I'm so grateful that you took the time, uh, to come on and serve this community and, and share this message. So many great tools. So, thank you again, man. I can't wait to see you and give you a big hug, hopefully within a year if this thing passes sometime soon.

• 1:01:21Speaker 01

  I look forward to it. It better pass in a year. I hope so.

• 1:01:25Lewis Howes?

  Thanks, man.

• 1:01:27Speaker 01

  My brother, thank you as always.

• 1:01:32Lewis Howes?

  I hope you enjoyed this episode as much as I loved interviewing and connecting on all things relationships, love and dealing with uncertain times with my man Devon Franklin. If you enjoyed it, do me a favor and share this with one or two friends. Just text them this link right now, lewishouse.com/940, or take a screenshot of this and post it on your Instagram story, Twitter, Facebook, and share with your friends. You have the power to truly change someone's life today. Someone who's a friend of yours who might be going through some challenges in the relationship, send them this free interview, powerful resource to help them truly have some skills, have some knowledge, have some inspiration to build a stronger relationship and foundation with their loved one.

• 1:02:17Lewis Howes?

  And if this is your first time here, please subscribe to the School of Greatness Podcast over on Apple Podcasts and leave us a review. We've got over 6,000 five-star reviews. Would love to hear from you on how this has helped you, how it's supported you in your life, and how it's improved your life and making it better. And I love this quote by Byron Katie. She is amazing. She's been on the episode before in the past, so make sure to check out Byron Katie on School of Greatness to truly be transformed there on your intimacy, your relationships, and your healing. She said this quote, "My experience is that the teachers we need the most are the people we are living with right now. Ain't that the truth?" I hope you're learning from the person you're with the most right now. I

• 1:03:00Lewis Howes?

  hope you're living passionately. I hope you're creating the space you need and also connecting intimately with them as well. You are loved. You matter. I hope this served you in a powerful way. And as always, you know what time it is. It's time to go out there and do something great.