Pod Insights The Dr. John Delony Show My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education About this episode On today’s episode, we hear about:
· A couple who disagrees about whether to homeschool their kid
· A woman who’s unsure how to support her friend who just lost her spouse
· A father who’s struggling to enjoy parenting small children
Next Steps:
📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message.
📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life
📝 Anxiety Test
📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future
❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards
💭 John's Free Guided Meditation
🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch
Connect With Our Sponsors:
🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp.
🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at Bon Charge.
🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.
🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.
😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial.
💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers!
🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi.
💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne.
🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started!
Explore More From Ramsey Network:
🎙️ The Ramsey Show
💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights
🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour
💡 The Rachel Cruze Show
💰 George Kamel
🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman
📈 EntreLeadership
Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcript 10,877 words · 5 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:05 Speaker 00 I'm trying to figure out how my wife and I can agree on whether or not to homeschool our son. He's two right now and the reason we're talking about this is because it will determine whether he goes to preschool or not.
0:17 Dr. John Delony? We can talk about the merits and all that of homeschooling versus public school and private school. We can talk about all that, but... What in the world's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Man, I hope you're doing well. Talking about your relationships, your mental and emotional health. I hope you're doing well and on this show, here's the deal. I hope you're doing well, but I know for many of us, just a tough season, man. And things are hard and things are up and they're down. And that's what this show's about, sitting with people trying to figure out what's the next right move. I would love to have you on the show. So if you want to join us, man, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com/ask.
1:02 Dr. John Delony? And I feel like I gotta shout it out. There's this rad dude who came out in the lobby. It may be four degrees outside. It's February when we're recording this show. And he is just straight up like a gangster wearing cargo pants, shorts. Cargo shorts, the way Limp Bizkit designed them. Well done, my brother. Well done. There's another guy here, dressed respectable, like with a button up shirt, like he has a job and everything, but homies just straight up rocking cargos and a dude, man after my own heart. I got some new Origin pants that are like four sizes too big and I feel like I'm back in high school again and it's everything in the world is right, except for the way Kelly looks at me with disdain.
1:47 Dr. John Delony? All right, let's go out to Manchester and talk to Ben. What's up, Ben?
1:54 Speaker 00 Hey John, how are you?
1:55 Dr. John Delony? Dude, I'm doing great, brother. How are you, man?
1:58 Speaker 00 Good. I want you to know that you do have friends in New Hampshire and I am one of them.
2:02 Dr. John Delony? Dude, I've got one in New Hampshire. That's fantastic.
2:07 Dr. John Delony? I used to teach high school geography and I don't know that I could point out New Hampshire on the map. That's embarrassing, Kelly. See, she goes with her judgy face. I know it's up there. I know it's up that way.
2:19 Speaker 00 Yes, yup, it is. And I also wanted to say thank you. I know you get a lot of generalized thank yous, but I want to thank you specifically for the Carlos Whitaker interview and for telling people that holding your newborn may be different than the way people say it should feel. And my wife and I now have a joke that I've loved my son since the moment I knew he existed, but I didn't like him until he was about six months old.
2:46 Dr. John Delony? Yes, and you will probably not like him from the ages of two to five. And then when he turns 14, like mine is, I'm already counting down the days. I'm already pretty sad that he's gonna leave me in three years. So, it's awesome. It's amazing. It's awesome. Good for you, brother. Thanks. Thank you so much, man. I'm glad that you're with us, dude. So, what's up? How can I help today?
3:04 Speaker 00 Yes. So, basically, I'm trying to figure out how my wife and I can agree on whether or not to homeschool our son. He's two right now and the reason we're talking about this is because it will determine whether he goes to preschool or not.
3:19 Dr. John Delony? Why is that?
3:21 Speaker 00 Um, because we figure do, if he's gonna be homeschooled, then we'll just keep him at home. Right now, I work from home and take care of him throughout the day. So, he's already at home. We don't do daycare or anything like that. So, if he was going to public school, we'd put him in preschool next year.
3:43 Dr. John Delony? Okay. We'll talk, we can talk about the merits and all that of homeschooling versus public school and private school. We can talk about all that and I love that conversation. It's one of my favorite things. But, for you and all new parents...
3:55 Dr. John Delony? Like the way you and I grew up, which is you go to one school and then you just go to the feeder middle school and you go to the feeder high school, that world is over now.
4:04 Speaker 00 Yeah.
4:04 Dr. John Delony? And so I want you to feel free to make a decision a year at a time.
4:12 Speaker 00 Okay.
4:13 Dr. John Delony? Sometimes even a semester at a time. It's just kind of a mess out there. It's the Wild West right now. And so all I have to say is, when you put pressure on yourself with a two-year-old, or let me put it this way, you and I both went to a schooling system that was, if you're not in this class by third grade, you're not going to get into the other class by fifth grade. If you're not in that class, you're not going to get into honors math. If you're not in honors math, you're not going to get into honors whatever in high school. And then you're not, then you're just doomed to live under a bridge, right? That's the world we grew up in. That world doesn't exist.
4:48 Speaker 00 Yeah.
4:48 Dr. John Delony? It's a Wild West. So you do what's best for you and your family this year.
4:54 Speaker 00 Okay, and yeah.
4:56 Dr. John Delony? You do its best. And obviously, stability and friendship and community and all that will play into account, right? And you want some consistency. You don't want moving every year kind of thing, but just take that pressure off yourselves. There is, you do not have to have this thing figured out when your kid's three years old, dude.
5:12 Speaker 00 Yeah, well, and that's, that's kind of what we've talked about is even just starting in terms of the route of public school, meaning he goes to preschool, he goes to elementary school, and we just see where it goes from there. But I don't like the idea of pulling him out once he's in because he'll have friends by then and that whole other aspect.
5:38 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, but he'll also have people who don't like him, which, how dare they, right? But it's, it's, it's a mixed bag, right? It just is. And by the way, you and I, I don't, I don't know about you specifically, I grew up in a world where almost nobody ever moved. I remember my high school, I graduated, my high school class had just under, right around a thousand people in the graduating class-ish. It was huge. And when I sat down at graduation, I won't say her name, I'll say her first name. There was a girl named Laura that sat, she's a woman now, she sat by me on one, I'd never seen the person on my right. I had no idea who that was. And I had not seen the woman on my left, her name was Laura, I hadn't seen
6:22 Dr. John Delony? her since we sat by each other in kindergarten. Like, in like the little red bird row, or the bluebird row, you know, every status. And so, nobody moved where I grew up. That's just not the case anymore. Everybody moves every two years, five years, three years. And so, this idea that you have this static group, and this, this like gang that goes from grade to grade, it's just, it's just not the way it is much anymore.
6:44 Speaker 00 Yeah, that makes, that makes a lot of sense.
6:47 Dr. John Delony? So, free yourselves from, we have to have this figured out at the age of three, all the way through eighteen, like, bro, think about this, fifteen years is, uh, pretty much, three presidential elections from now.
7:01 Speaker 00 Right.
7:02 Dr. John Delony? Dude, who even knows? Who even knows, right? Who knows, man? So, just free yourself from that. All right, let's talk about public school versus homeschooling. What, what kind of discussions are y'all having?
7:13 Speaker 00 So, essentially, we're not worried about the education that he's gonna get from public school. It's just more of, so, I'm, my wife's coming from it on the side of, it's easier, it's cheaper, and everyone does it in terms of public school. Um, whereas, I'm coming from more of the side of, we can get the socialization and pretty much all the pros of public school, we could do in a different way by homeschooling. And, I don't know, I just see, you know, when you have a vision of ten years down the road, or five years
7:53 Speaker 00 down the road, the, public school doesn't align with what vision we have for our family, I guess is the best way to put it. And, she has the same vision, but she also thinks that public school's just easier, so let's do that.
8:11 Dr. John Delony? Sure. Um, I think there's merit to both of those. So, tell me about your picture. Like, when you think of your, your kid, are you gonna have more than one?
8:22 Speaker 00 Um, yes, yeah, we're planning on having another one.
8:25 Dr. John Delony? Who knows? Yeah, everybody's got plans, right?
8:27 Speaker 00 Yeah, exactly.
8:28 Dr. John Delony? Um, and the reason I ask is you're you're asking first parent questions, which I love. I just assumed that this was your first one, but you're asking very first parent questions. Kind of like, should we um, should we disinfect the the pacifier when our kid dropped it? Um, we're Googling if pacifiers are gonna mess up their jawline? And then by your third kid, you're like, whatever, dude, like, right? Who cares? Um, but tell me about your picture. You imagine your kid is 10. Let's pretend you have an eight-year-old, two, and a six-year-old. Um, what what is your picture in your head of of of of a random Tuesday morning?
9:06 Speaker 00 I would say, you know, getting up, having breakfast together as a family. Um, hopefully by then my wife won't be working, so she will be at home with us. So that I can just work from home and have from 8 a.m. till 1 p.m. of actual homeschool learning and doing things more in a structure. And then from 1 to dinnertime, going out and doing real world, whether it's hiking or going to an aquarium or somewhere else, just going out into the world with them and letting them experience things firsthand.
9:48 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
9:49 Speaker 00 I would say is what we are thinking about.
9:53 Dr. John Delony? So I guess what I would tell you is, um, my wife and my daughter had breakfast together this morning. Me and my son had breakfast together this morning. Um, and my daughter was under the weather a little bit. And yesterday, me and one kid went and did one thing for a while, and then we all had dinner together. And then me and my daughter had W W E for a while. And I, so I guess what I'm telling you is the the very beginning of that and the ending of that is capable, you can do that no matter what schooling situation you're a part of.
10:27 Speaker 00 Yes, yeah, yeah, well, and I think this might be actually even more clear like to help you understand is like I, you know how you can run to something or from something?
10:39 Dr. John Delony? There you go.
10:40 Speaker 00 I see the lives of people that I know that have kids that are older and it's like, all I know is I don't want that life.
10:49 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
10:51 Speaker 00 And, and I don't know how much the schooling plays into that, but it's like the schedules that they have, the running around that they do, I'm like, oh God, that's, that's us five, six, seven years from now, if that makes sense.
11:05 Dr. John Delony? It does, and I'm, I'm glad that you're thinking this through right now. Um, what I don't want you to do, as Brene Brown says, I don't want you to dress rehearse tragedy.
11:13 Speaker 00 Yeah.
11:14 Dr. John Delony? So, um, yes, there is going to be more pressure theoretically in a private or public school that you drop your kids off, that all kids are going to violin and from violin they're going to soccer practice and then every weekend is filled with horse riding and dancing and what, like, there, there will be pressure to have that life. There will also be pressure to, um, in fifth grade, I think my kid was the only one, maybe one other one who didn't have a smartphone, in fifth grade, which is insane to me, but that's, it was what it was, right? So, those kind of things are real. Um, I think homeschooling comes with another set of pressures, and so I think trying to not have pressure is better
11:58 Dr. John Delony? solved by saying, what are our values? And solving, creating a world where those are present, meaning we will eat dinner as a family four or five nights a week, period, end of story. And that means that we'll get one, every kid can do one thing, one instrument and one sport, and that's it, that's all we're doing, y'all get to pick. Um,
12:19 Speaker 00 Yeah.
12:20 Dr. John Delony? Or I want every one of my kids to try jujitsu, one kid likes it, the other kids don't, or I want all my kids to try soccer just because kids need to run around and one will love it and one will hate it. Like, it's setting down those values first, and that's a cool thing to begin to work through right now, because that's something y'all can practice now without being anxious or worrying about something that, that is going to come 10 years down the road. Because here's the other thing, 10 years ago, this is crazy to think, 10 years ago, I was one, two, three jobs from where I am right now.
12:53 Dr. John Delony? Yeah. Ten years ago, I was on call 24/7, 365. Five years ago, I was on call every second of every day, leading a team of, I don't know, 500 people. And then now I'm a frickin' YouTuber, right? So who knows what your life looks like in 10 years? I'd much rather you anchored values.
13:14 Dr. John Delony? Like, this is just kind of who we are. We just don't do tons of busy stuff. We spend extra time with our kids. We, every time you go hiking, even though it would be more efficient, you'd get a better workout, yada, yada, yada, I bring my kids with me when I go hiking. That's just gonna be who I am. Or like for me, hunting, for four or five years, I knew I'm gonna get, I'm not gonna be as successful because I'm bringing my little, my kid with me. And now I've got an amazing, fun hunting partner as a 14-year-old.
13:45 Dr. John Delony? Right? And so it's, I'm gonna make those concessions early on because I'm gonna take my kids with me everywhere I possibly can.
13:53 Dr. John Delony? Those are the values to anchor into. And here's the thing I want you guys just to think through. Every family has different values, okay? For me and my wife, I could care less what the social yada, yada, yada they're being taught in public school. And here's why. I do not believe in outsourcing my kids' spiritual development to somebody else. That's my job. That's my wife's job. And for me and my wife, we want our kids to be exposed to all kinds of stuff so they, when they have questions, they ask us. I don't want them being 18, or for some of the students I worked with at private faith-based
14:35 Dr. John Delony? universities, 22 before they enter into a world where they're like, "Oh, my gosh." And they have no psychology for it. And so what they do is they go to Google, or they ask their friends, or they ask Reddit. And so for me in my house, the reason we've moved schools is all academics. I want my kids to be pushed really, really hard. And I have found in some public school settings that it's, it's, man, it's like two worksheets and a Khan Academy video and it's, it's not, my kids aren't getting pushed. And so I moved them schools purely for academics. The social stuff, I feel like it's my job. And if the school's teaching them crazy things, those kids, awesome. I want, I want them to come ask me about that. And then we can have that dialogue at my house. That's not for everybody.
15:20 Dr. John Delony? Other people are like, I don't even want those ideas in my kids' head. I, I'm fine with that, whatever. It, it's for you guys to think through, but I want you guys to be specific about what will homeschooling bring us? What will, um, there's something to be said for what your wife said. It is easier. You already pay for it. It's free. Um, there's some built in communities for you, your wife, for the, the, the local kids, you know? There's buses, there's all kinds of stuff for public schools. Great, man. And, um, public schools have shifted and changed dramatically over the last 15 years.
15:53 Dr. John Delony? I had one, uh, one guy told me, and I loved the way he said it. He said, wanting public schools to be like, I went to a giant public high school and it was essentially a college prep school. I'll put it up against any school in the country in terms of how hard it was academically, how much they pushed us, how hard the coaches pushed us in athletics. Um, and that school doesn't exist anymore in public schools. It just doesn't. Um, there's just been too much drama and too much watering down of everything. And so, um, one guy said, wanting public schools to be like they were 25 and 30 years ago is like wanting gas to be a dollar again. It's just not. Right? And so it, it's just shifted and changed. But, but ask, um, about the values you and your wife hold. And dude, I think, this is just me.
16:37 Dr. John Delony? I think a local preschool, trying it out, a half day preschool kind of thing is a good way to feel how y'all feel, how your kids are feeling. Are they seen at school? Do you have teachers who are plugged in? There's amazing teachers everywhere and there's some duds out there, just like every job, right? Um, and asking yourself, how does this work for our family? I'll tell you, just you personally, if you're trying to work a full-time job and be a full-time present parent, that's got a very short shelf life to it. Either you will crash and burn, you will not be where you are profi- you won't be honoring your workplace by also trying to cram in a full-time parent slash teacher role too, right?
17:16 Speaker 00 Right, well, that's a- I work for myself and that's where it's like I work during his nap, so right now I can do that.
17:25 Dr. John Delony? I want you to spend more time on your business than, yeah, than three hours a day.
17:28 Speaker 00 Yeah, right, and that's the problem is I would have a lot more time for taking on more clients and that would change everything at the same time, so.
17:38 Dr. John Delony? That's right, so it's all a trade-off and it all comes back to you and your wife saying values, values, values, values. I'm a huge fan of at least one of the breadwinners in the house, one of the, I hate that word, but one of the main earners in the house, just going bananas in their twenties and early thirties.
17:58 Speaker 00 Yeah.
17:59 Dr. John Delony? Because the research tells me that that's expertise and that hard work and those connections and that networking and those skills you learn, how hard you push yourself professionally, getting trained, getting opportunities, saying yes to a lot of stuff, that's what guides your thirties and forties and fifties.
18:15 Speaker 00 Okay, yeah.
18:18 Dr. John Delony? And so there's something to be said for I'm gonna grind and grind and grind and grind and grind and I'm still gonna get up early and have breakfast and I'm still going to stay up and do silly things with my kids and I'm just gonna be tired in my twenties, that's just kinda part of it. There's no such thing as balance, right? There's no such thing as balance. And by the way, AI's gonna screw it all up, all these things we're talking about, who knows in five years what that's gonna look like? So, I, I, I love that you're thinking down the road, amazing. Don't over-stress about stuff 10 years from now, cuz God help us, who knows, dude, we might have a colony on Mars by then, who knows? And we might all be driving 79 Fords, cuz that's the last time they made a truck with a computer in it and maybe that's all we got left, right? Who knows, dude? But I do want you and your wife to spend time thinking about the values.
19:03 Dr. John Delony? As for our house, what do we want it to feel like in the evenings? What do we, what kind of relationship do we want to have with our kids? And what's that going to cost us? You don't want your wife to work in five or 10 years? There's a, that's a math problem. How much money do you have to make for that to be true? What kind of house are you going to live in so that you can afford that kind of shift? What kind of cars are you going to not buy so that y'all can afford to do these things that you value? Values is a much harder conversation than just sitting around complaining about schools. Values force you to say, okay, who are we going to be? And I love that question for every couple, and I love every couple to do that every year too. Um, because values, you know, get stress tested and pushed and beliefs change. I love that. But dude, you're on the right path. And I'll just say this, man, your, your little two-year-old boy, he won the lottery getting you as his dad.
19:47 Dr. John Delony? That's awesome, man. Awesome that you're so invested thinking five, 10 years down the road. Amazing. And yes, um, it's okay that you loved your kid, but you didn't really like him until he turned six months. That's fine. You're good to go, man. You're the, just in the right place. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks, let's talk about Helix. All right, do me a favor. Close your eyes and think about your mattress. Be honest. Is it lumpy and gross and weird and full of stains? And do you think about how comfortable your home mattress is every time you're out of town or staying in some hotel? You know it and I know it. Your entire life would be better if you had an amazing, comfortable mattress that let you fall into deep, refreshing sleep all the time.
20:30 Dr. John Delony? It's time for you to check out the mattress that I sleep on and that my entire family sleeps on. Helix. I want to tell you this, my Helix mattress has helped me to get to sleep faster and sleep deeper so that I can wake up more refreshed to be the husband and dad that I need to be. Helix has mattresses for everybody, no matter how you sleep. If you run hot, if you've got spine concerns, if you lie on your back, your side, your stomach, whatever, Helix has got you. And Helix offers a hundred-night trial and every Helix mattress comes with a 10 or 15-year warranty. So right now, I want you to stop for two minutes, get online and take the Helix Sleep Quiz, just like I did. You'll find the perfect mattress and you can buy it right now and they'll ship it to your door.
21:11 Dr. John Delony? Right now, Helix has a special March sale that's tied into that big basketball tournament that's going on. To celebrate all the brackets and buzzer beaters and Cinderellas, you can get 20% off site-wide. Go to helixsleep.com/deloney today for 20% off. That's Helix, H E L I X. Helixsleep.com/deloney. With Helix, better sleep starts right now.
21:36 Dr. John Delony? All right, let's talk about DeleteMe, my go-to provider for online safety, security, and peace of mind. Don't skip past this. Listen, we all know that we live on the internets these days. I wish it wasn't the case, but it doesn't matter if I don't like it. Everything in my life and in your life takes place on the internet. Our work, our personal messages and communications, we buy most of our things on the internet now. It's just where so much of our lives exist. And because so much of our lives take place on the internet, somehow it's become normal to give away our email addresses and our phone numbers to random companies who then turn around and sell them to other companies. This is why I'm happy to use and recommend DeleteMe. I recently looked at my reports from my friends at DeleteMe.
22:20 Dr. John Delony? Dude, they've reviewed over 35,000 different data brokers who might have my personal information, and they've removed my personal info from hundreds of scammy data broker sites. DeleteMe has saved me countless hours, days even, by removing all this stuff, and they've sent me detailed reports throughout the year showing me exactly what they've removed and from where. I want you to have this kind of peace, too. We can't really avoid living on the internets, but we can make our personal data personal again with DeleteMe. Get protected with DeleteMe today and get 20% off all DeleteMe plans. That comes out to less than nine bucks a month. Go to joindelete.me/deloney. That's J-O-I-N. Joindelete.me/deloney.
23:07 Dr. John Delony? All right, let's go to Lincoln, Nebraska, and talk to Heidi. Hey, Heidi, what's up?
23:14 Speaker 02 Hi, Dr. John. How are you doing?
23:15 Dr. John Delony? I'm doing all right. How are you?
23:17 Speaker 02 I'm doing well, thank you.
23:19 Dr. John Delony? Fantastic. What's going on?
23:21 Speaker 02 Well, I'm looking for some advice.
23:23 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
23:24 Speaker 02 Um, one of my, well, they, okay. My question is, how do I support my grieving best friend while celebrating my own accomplishment?
23:33 Dr. John Delony? Hmm. Tell me more.
23:36 Speaker 02 So, a little bit of context. Me and my best friend and like her husband, my husband, they're more, we're more like brothers and sisters than best friends. And we had really similar short-term, long-term life goals. We're on track to reaching those goals soon, like buying a house, having kids. And then she called me one day screaming that her husband had just been killed in a car accident.
24:01 Dr. John Delony? Oh, man.
24:04 Speaker 02 And so we went through, you know, sat in the mud with her, got through those days, those weeks, those months. And now the hard thing is she, like, her life came to a screeching halt.
24:18 Dr. John Delony? Yeah.
24:19 Speaker 02 But me and my husband, we're still moving on, we're reaching those goals that we were gonna reach, like, at the same time. And I feel stuck because I still sit in the mud with her and go through the hard times with her, talk on the phone whenever she needs me, and then I hang up with her, and my husband's home, and then suddenly it's like, oh, hey, this is great, we just, we just bought a house, and we're reaching these goals, and it's, I feel like I'm emotionally flip-flopping a lot.
24:50 Dr. John Delony? Yeah.
24:51 Speaker 02 And I'm just not sure how to continue to support her long-term. Yeah, I guess that's kinda where I'm sitting.
24:58 Dr. John Delony? Phew. One, sorry about the loss of your friend, man.
25:03 Speaker 02 Thank you.
25:05 Dr. John Delony? And actually, sorry for the loss of both your friends, cuz your best girlfriend is, she's a different woman now, her life is different now.
25:11 Speaker 02 Very.
25:14 Dr. John Delony? And, um, that's one of those, y'all had plans, right?
25:18 Speaker 02 Lots of plans, yeah, we, we were like, oh, oh, we were those friends that were gonna build houses and have them, like, conjoin.
25:27 Dr. John Delony? Right, right.
25:28 Speaker 02 Because, you know, we just wanna live our lives together, in a sense.
25:32 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, and it's fun to, like, dream about being old, fat, rocking-chair people who, uh, yeah, I hate that for you, man. I'm sorry. Um, been there, been there, and I hate it, hate it. Um, so this is, this is hard, I'm gonna say it, but I'm gonna be pretty direct, and if you and I were just sitting down talking, and we had a couple of hours, I'd be a little more gentle, is that cool?
25:57 Speaker 02 Yeah, that's fine.
25:59 Dr. John Delony? Um, how long ago was this wreck?
26:02 Speaker 02 This happened, I think, three months ago.
26:06 Dr. John Delony? The wreck happened three months ago?
26:08 Speaker 02 Mm-hmm.
26:09 Dr. John Delony? Okay. So I would tell you, until year one is up...
26:15 Dr. John Delony? You don't, there's not even, the smoke hasn't even begun to clear after three months.
26:21 Dr. John Delony? The paperwork is done, the Ts have been crossed and the Is have been dotted.
26:28 Dr. John Delony? But grief hasn't even begun to begin to ebb. Not for you and your husband, especially not for her.
26:38 Speaker 02 Right.
26:39 Dr. John Delony? My rule of thumb is, in fact, I told somebody this morning in a personal phone call, who's just experienced a pretty tragic loss. No decisions for six to nine months.
26:52 Dr. John Delony? No quitting jobs, no getting divorced, no selling houses, nothing for six to nine months. Just because you don't know what day it is, man.
27:01 Dr. John Delony? And so, I'll tell you that, like, three months is still, she's still waking up and reaching over to the other side of the bed, right?
27:10 Speaker 02 Right.
27:11 Dr. John Delony? And she's still walking through the house on a relatively good day in a wave of grief. She'll find herself curled up in a fetal position on the floor. Then you know where it came from, right? And she calls you.
27:24 Dr. John Delony? There will be a transition time, and maybe it's now. Everybody does this differently, so there's not a right way. I love Kessler says grief is like a fingerprint, it's unique to everybody.
27:34 Dr. John Delony? At some point, in three months, actually it's pretty raw, maybe in another month, maybe another two or three months, and you, knowing your friend, know now's a good time or not a good time, is you cannot become her therapist. You gotta stay her friend.
27:53 Dr. John Delony? And for friends, there's a clarifying conversation that goes along something like this. It's similar to, you have a best friend who just went through pregnancy loss and you find out you're pregnant.
28:05 Dr. John Delony? Those conversations have to be had directly, head-on. Me and my husband are buying a house. We are gonna start having a family, or whatever the things are, and I want to honor you by, you set the gauge on what you can hear and not hear, but the greatest gift, Heidi, you can give for your friend is to be fully you. And fully you is also grieving and also experiencing some pretty awesome personal moments.
28:36 Speaker 02 Yeah, that was kind of hard for the first little while because I felt like I didn't know if I needed almost not hide it from her, but she's going through the worst part of her life. And I'm like, hey, we just bought our dream house.
28:50 Dr. John Delony? That's, that's exactly right.
28:50 Speaker 02 It doesn't really seem like an appropriate thing to say, but then at the same time, sharing, not sharing it with her also felt like I was betraying her.
28:58 Dr. John Delony? Well, it feels like you're lying, right?
29:00 Speaker 02 Limbo. Yeah.
29:01 Dr. John Delony? Well, I think, I think there's a, I, I think I'm, I'm just a huge fan of putting it all on the table. Like saying, I love you so much and this is so weird. I don't know what to say. So I'm looking to you for how I can best love you.
29:15 Dr. John Delony? Like I, I don't even, I can't wrap my head around being in your situation and I will always be your friend. And also we just bought this gigantic house and we'd love to have you over and I don't know how to say it.
29:27 Dr. John Delony? And giving her permission to say, like, if you can't come over, I totally get it. And also if she's like, oh my gosh, I need somebody in my life to be having something good happening. You get, you get what I'm saying? So I, I think putting it on the table and saying, I want to love you. And I don't know how to do that right now. I'm going to look to you for guidance.
29:49 Speaker 02 Okay. That, that's helpful.
29:51 Dr. John Delony? And there's also, here's the thing, that's a real thin line because also the single most annoying thing that can happen to somebody who just got tragic news, Kelly, and I've talked about this a lot, is
30:02 Dr. John Delony? they find themselves getting bombarded with, how are you texts? And then they feel like they have to answer it in just the right way so to not make anyone else have a bad day. And suddenly you find yourself having to take care of everybody in your life and you're the one, you're the one hurting, right? And so there's that weird, I'm your best friend. So I'm going to keep showing up with meals. And I'm your best friend. So I'm just going to show up at your house. We're going to go for a walk and I'm going to, I'm going to point blank like.
30:30 Dr. John Delony? Tell me, um, tell me what you missed about, you know, tell me what you missed about Mark. Tell me. I want to hear it. And her eyes might get real wide and be like, yeah, we're talking about it. Unless you don't want to. Like, so there's that. And then the other side of it is, I don't know how, I don't know your capacity for he- hearing great news. And I don't know, I don't, I don't want to, I don't want to bomb you. I just don't know what to do. Can you, can you help me? Give me some guidance. Do you get how there's a tension there?
30:55 Speaker 02 Mm hmm. I do.
30:57 Dr. John Delony? And I guess just get it, get it out of your head. You're going to say something stupid. You just are. All of us do. I do this, I do this for a living and I still say stuff and I'm like, oh, let me take that back. I didn't mean to say it like that. I still do that.
31:10 Speaker 02 Well, I'm glad I wouldn't be the only one.
31:12 Dr. John Delony? No, no, uh, no. And I love that you're trying to get this one right. I, I, if I'm being honest, it sounds,
31:24 Dr. John Delony? um,
31:30 Dr. John Delony? the, those of us who are around the blast but aren't immediately affected in, in as profound a way, if that makes sense, which sounds awful. This is one of your closest friends on the planet. Um, but there's, there's concentric circles, right? And she's at the very center of this thing.
31:46 Dr. John Delony? Um, it's easy to quote unquote, try to get back to the way things were.
31:53 Speaker 02 Yeah, I think that's definitely where I was at first, in those first like weeks and months even, but then it was, at first I was like, I don't want to lose another friend. And like you said earlier, I had already lost her. And so coming to almost relearn who she is now and who she will become in the months and years.
32:16 Dr. John Delony? And who you'll become, because it would be wild.
32:21 Dr. John Delony? If your husband isn't five minutes late and your heart rate goes up 10 beats a second, like 10 beats a minute.
32:27 Speaker 02 A hundred percent. Every time.
32:28 Dr. John Delony? Every time, right? Right. Or you see his phone is, is like, he's supposed to be home at six from work and he calls at 6:05 and you grab that phone really aggressively. Like you're different now.
32:42 Speaker 02 That's true. I hadn't thought about that.
32:43 Dr. John Delony? And it's just metabolizing it. Everything in your life is different because you now know how precious it is. And you look at that, at your big handsome, tough mustached husband, I don't know, I just made up a whole caricature of my husband, who knows. But you look at him and you now have a, like, in your nervous system, you know, deeply inside your body, any second he could go away.
33:05 Speaker 02 Mm-hmm.
33:06 Dr. John Delony? And that changes how you grieve, that changes how you guys fight, and how you, how you repair it, how you make up, right? How you make sure you tell each other you love each other before you go. And so, there's something to be said for you and him getting on the same page, too. Like, hey, this is three months after you lost your best friend on the planet. Tell me, tell me, how you're, how we're doing. How are you doing?
33:28 Dr. John Delony? What are you noticing about yourself? The big things, the little things? Um, you be honest. Every time you leave and get in the car, I catch my breath.
33:39 Dr. John Delony? And that's just how a couple grieves together. Y'all gonna grieve at different paces. And he might be like, "I'm fine, I'm good." You're not, you're not fine. You lost your best friend 90 days ago, right? But, um, everybody just does it different.
33:53 Dr. John Delony? But yeah, for her, three months, yeah, she's, she's just getting started, unfortunately.
34:01 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's, there's, you know, the grief, and there's a lot of other factors, like, you know, he didn't have life insurance and debts and all those things that came tumbling down and...
34:16 Dr. John Delony? Yeah.
34:16 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's just, it's a lot.
34:17 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, it's a lot. And being able to tell her, "I love you, you can always call me.
34:24 Dr. John Delony? I'll go with you to your first counseling appointment, but I can't be your therapist. I'll direct you to, um, our money manager person, or, you know, the smart investor I use, or whatever, like, I'll point you to that, um, but I can't make your money decisions for you."
34:41 Speaker 02 Mm-hmm.
34:42 Dr. John Delony? And that's really a hard conversation, but it's also a blessing. And she might say, "Well, then screw you, I don't want you to call me anymore." And she gets to do that for a season, too, because she's just a raw, exposed nerve.
34:57 Speaker 02 Yeah, that would be more than fair. I could understand that.
34:59 Dr. John Delony? Yeah. And you can say like, alright, you don't have to talk to me right now, but I love you and I'm gonna call you again. Call me, I'll call you till you block me, and then I'll probably still keep calling you, you can still keep showing up at your house until you tell me, "Do not come here," right? And it usually doesn't get there, but it's just expect the swings and expect the hard stuff. It's just awful, man. I'm sorry.
35:21 Speaker 02 Thank you.
35:21 Dr. John Delony? But I'll tell you this, man, being a friend that's trying to get it right, and being a friend who's...
35:30 Dr. John Delony? I just love your spirit, I guess. I mean, it's easy to be like, "Why can't she be happy for me?" You acknowledge her whole world's over, and she's just sitting in the ash of what once was, trying to just like, pick up half-burned photograph to see if it still looks right, you know what I mean? Like, she's just trying to figure out all ten fingers and ten toes kind of thing for her. And it will be that way for some time. And so, you setting the boundary and just putting on the table, "I don't know. I don't know, but I want to love you. I don't want to be here. And you let me know what you can handle." And by the way, she might be like, "I want to hear about all the good stuff. I can't wait to hear." And then you start telling her, "Okay, we just bought our dream house. It's this big. It's amazing. It's the one we looked at." And then you'll hear the other phone just go numb silent.
36:15 Dr. John Delony? That's okay. Or she plans to come over to your new house and like, look all around and like, help you decorate a room. And then five minutes before she calls and says, "I can't do it today." That's when you exhale and give her grace and say, "I totally get it. Love you. Let's put another day on the calendar." Right? It's just gonna be that sort of rhythm, and you having the courage to say, "Whoa, whoa, I'm gonna stop you right there. I can't be your therapist on this one, but I'll go with you on the first meeting." And you letting her know, "I love you, and here's my boundaries." It's awesome. She's lucky to have you. Thanks for the call, Heidi. We'll be right back.
36:47 Dr. John Delony? Let's talk about Hallow, the number one prayer and meditation app in the world. It's officially Lent, which is the 40 days leading up to Good Friday and Easter. And Lent is when Christians all over the world commit to a season of fasting from all sorts of things, and they commit themselves to reconnection and remembering prayer and meditation. And right now, Hallow has a challenge going on called "The Way." It's meant to reflect living the way of Jesus, and that means doing hard things that lead to peace, joy, and healing. And throughout The Way, you'll get to hear some incredible stories from people like Jonathan Rumi, of The Chosen, Chris Pratt, and Mark Wahlberg. And you'll also be invited to participate in experiencing life change yourself. Plus, you can check out Hallow's Lent Challenge for Kids. It's called "The Little Way." It's a fun, meaningful adventure for the whole family,
37:32 Dr. John Delony? and y'all will follow along with two kids, learning how to live out gratitude every single day. And this is just a tiny bit of what Hallow offers. Hallow has a huge catalog of music, guided prayers, meditations, and more. And when you sign up at hallow.com/daloni, you'll get three months for free, so you're covered all through Lent and beyond. Go check out Hallow at hallow.com/daloni for three free months. That's Hallow, H-A-L-L-O-W dot com slash daloni.
38:01 Dr. John Delony? All right, let's go out to Phoenix, Arizona, and talk to Travis. Hey Travis, what's up, man?
38:07 Speaker 03 Hey, Dr. John, how's it going?
38:09 Dr. John Delony? Doing great, brother. How are you, man?
38:11 Speaker 03 I am good on paper.
38:13 Dr. John Delony? Ooh, tell me more about that.
38:17 Speaker 03 Um, so, I have two kids, and I seem to be able to experience all of the sort of negative emotions of parenting: overexhaustion, frustration, fear, responsibility. But I have yet to experience the real highs of parenting that other people talk about, sort of the, you know, the joy that fills them up. And so I'm three years in, and I'm starting to get concerned.
38:43 Dr. John Delony? Yeah. So just as a guy who's been a parent for a long time, everyone's lying to you. You're just now figuring out that lie. There's no joy. There's no joy in parenting.
38:54 Dr. John Delony? I'm just playing, man. So you have a three-year-old, and how old?
38:59 Speaker 03 Eight months.
38:59 Dr. John Delony? Eight months.
39:02 Dr. John Delony? Tell me about them. Boy, girl, names. Tell me about, uh, don't, don't, don't give me their names. That's fine. But boy, girl, tell me about them.
39:09 Speaker 03 A couple of boys and they are both great. The first one was definitely a tougher baby, but you know, I don't know if that was part of just becoming a new parent, but I, I think he was just a bit more tricky. Second one has been pretty good, right? Like, that's why I say good on paper, right? I don't really have a lot to complain about.
39:29 Dr. John Delony? Um. How's your marriage, man?
39:35 Speaker 03 It's good.
39:36 Dr. John Delony? No, it's not. Tell, tell me about it.
39:39 Speaker 03 It, it is so, but the, I guess part of why it concerns me so much is that my wife derives so much joy from the children.
39:49 Dr. John Delony? Yeah.
39:50 Speaker 03 And it's hard for her to see me not sharing in that.
39:54 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
39:57 Dr. John Delony? Um.
40:00 Dr. John Delony? All right, let's put a pin in that. Tell me about growing up, man. Where'd you, where'd you grow up? Tell me about your, your folks.
40:06 Speaker 03 I grew up right here in the valley. I grew up in a fairly religious household. Um.
40:14 Dr. John Delony? Is that a good thing or not a good thing?
40:17 Speaker 03 Yeah, it's a, it's a complicated thing.
40:21 Dr. John Delony? There you go. All right.
40:22 Speaker 03 Well, let's put it this way. I'm not religious anymore.
40:24 Dr. John Delony? Okay, all right.
40:25 Speaker 03 Um, my, my mother passed away when I was 11.
40:29 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
40:32 Speaker 03 Uh, the, I sort of have like a very much older sister. There's like a big gap to my older sister and me.
40:37 Dr. John Delony? Mm hmm.
40:38 Speaker 03 Uh, so she's been more kind of like an aunt in my life.
40:41 Dr. John Delony? Yep.
40:42 Speaker 03 Uh, and then I have one younger sister who's closer in age.
40:45 Dr. John Delony? You didn't mention your dad. Where's your old man?
40:47 Speaker 03 Uh, he's still around. He's still like very helpful. He, you know, he is the guy that I, I can call at any time and he will show up. No questions asked. Um, if there's sort of a problem like, but he.
41:01 Speaker 03 There's never been like, strong like emotional conversations, if that makes sense.
41:07 Dr. John Delony? Absolutely.
41:08 Speaker 03 Right, like, very stoic, very helpful, very wise, but um, it's almost like he's being the arbitrator, being the therapist, like, he's listening, he's taking it in, he's offering some advice, but like, sometimes I feel like I don't know like what he actually thinks.
41:24 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, and, and to his, not to his credit, but to his, uh, defense, his generation was told.
41:35 Speaker 03 Yeah.
41:35 Dr. John Delony? If a man lets anybody behind that iron curtain, you're a coward, you're weak, you're a failure.
41:42 Speaker 03 Yeah, and, and you are meant to be the pillar, you are meant to be the rock upon which everything is built on.
41:47 Dr. John Delony? That's right, and the lie was, the rock is, um, it's not like in Japan, the architecture's designed for these gigantic, powerful, strong buildings to, to be very, very flexible, to absorb earthquakes.
42:02 Speaker 03 Hmm.
42:03 Dr. John Delony? Um, that's not how these men were told strength was, they were told, you will be on anchored foundation, which means when there's an earthquake, it falls over and it can never be put back, right? Um, I heard one man say, uh, "I feel like if I start crying, I will never stop."
42:22 Dr. John Delony? Right, and my guess is that's probably your old man, how'd your mom die?
42:26 Speaker 03 Uh, she passed away from breast cancer that spread.
42:29 Dr. John Delony? Hmm.
42:31 Dr. John Delony? Take me back to 11-year-old Travis, what was that like? What was like 10-year-old Travis?
42:38 Speaker 03 I was pretty all over the place, I was pretty wild, I, you know, I was probably a pretty annoying child to a lot of people, but like, I was, I was a big bundle of joy, like, I had, I had fun all the time, that's all I was looking for was fun.
42:54 Speaker 03 Um.
42:54 Dr. John Delony? And when'd you find out mom got sick? How long was, how long was she sick before she passed away?
42:59 Speaker 03 It was about two years from when she told us to when she passed away.
43:03 Dr. John Delony? Okay, and so you just had a ringside seat from nine to 10 to 11 of watching your mom slowly fade out?
43:11 Speaker 03 Yeah.
43:11 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
43:14 Dr. John Delony? I can't imagine.
43:19 Dr. John Delony? Any more powerless feeling than being nine years old?
43:24 Dr. John Delony? Being 10 years old and watching mom slip through your hand like sand at a beach?
43:33 Speaker 03 I mostly just didn't.
43:35 Dr. John Delony? That's right.
43:35 Speaker 03 Like, I remember, I just, like, I think I went to a friend's house that day. Like, I just didn't want to acknowledge it. I just left. I just continued on my way.
43:45 Dr. John Delony? Yeah.
43:50 Dr. John Delony? Have you let your 11-year-old self off the hook for that?
43:55 Speaker 03 I did. When I was in my 20s, I think I finally just, like, let go of the guilt.
44:01 Dr. John Delony? Yeah.
44:02 Speaker 03 I felt like I hadn't, you know, I hadn't treated her right up until she died. But like, I was 10, you know?
44:09 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, there you go. Yeah.
44:11 Speaker 03 It took, you know, over a decade, but I think I finally got there. I don't feel guilt when I think about it now.
44:16 Dr. John Delony? Good. Awesome. And that's healing, right? You can think back and be like, man, I wish when I was 11, right? I, A, hadn't peed in my neighbor's flower bed, and B, I wish I had had the right words to say for my mother, who was terminally ill, right? I mean, like, you can think about that, but it doesn't overwhelm you. Is that right?
44:35 Speaker 03 Yeah, that's right. Yeah.
44:36 Dr. John Delony? I'm shooting in the dark here, man, because this is one of those situations you and I could talk for a couple of hours. Man, I would, you sound like somebody I would love just to sit and be quiet and listen.
44:47 Dr. John Delony? Because it sounds like you've got a pretty powerful story. Just your life has been pretty, pretty rich.
44:55 Dr. John Delony? My guess here is that at some point along the way, your body put some GPS pins in feeling.
45:05 Speaker 03 They did.
45:06 Dr. John Delony? Because if you feel anything, that level of pain can get you again.
45:15 Dr. John Delony? So your body's way of taking care of you was just to shut the entire system down.
45:21 Dr. John Delony? And you may have got enough from your dad about, hey, you still got to go do the next right thing. So you got good grades, you got married, you're good at your job, you had two kids. But your entire, the, what I would call the other 90% of your life, which is the perceiving and the feeling and the emotions, the good stuff and the painful stuff, that system is off and disconnected. Because 10-year-olds aren't supposed to bury their mothers.
45:47 Speaker 03 Can I recontextualize a little bit of that?
45:49 Dr. John Delony? Absolutely. I'm throwing spaghetti at a wall, dude.
45:51 Speaker 03 I almost feel like it's the opposite. And the time when my body shut down had like nothing to do with like where I'm at now with like my kids. I'm, I don't think I'm very good at my job. It took me like seven years to get through college. I did get married, right? I'm a fiscally responsible person, but like we're set, right? There's not stressors there. But when my body, like when I noticed that like, I, I kind of changed fundamentally was in college. I was really, really miserable comparing myself to like my fellow high school mates and my wife, who are all doing really amazing in college. And I was just kind of struggling and floundering. And then at the time I thought like, oh, you know, I have,
46:37 Speaker 03 I've conquered it. I don't feel bad anymore. But looking back, I feel like I have fundamentally changed since then. Where like I don't, I just don't feel.
46:45 Dr. John Delony? That's it. That's fair. So I was half right.
46:50 Speaker 03 Yeah.
46:51 Dr. John Delony? Yeah. And so you actually added a more complex layer to it, which is, we're not going to feel and cognitively that 10%, you think you're a failure.
47:06 Speaker 03 Yeah.
47:10 Speaker 03 But I seem to only care when like people look. Like I have a therapist and the way I described it is like, I kind of have this ramshackle house. There's stuff in the gutters. The lawn needs to be mowed, right? Like I could probably use a pressure wash and like, I don't mind it. It's like, okay with me, but I don't like when people look. I don't want to have them over.
47:30 Dr. John Delony? That may be the greatest analogy for what's going on inside your chest I've ever heard somebody put on paper.
47:37 Dr. John Delony? You just described what's going on inside your guts, dude, not on your yard.
47:42 Dr. John Delony? And here's the scary thing about a three-year-old. They can see right damn through you.
47:49 Speaker 03 Man, I hope not.
47:50 Dr. John Delony? I promise you they can.
47:54 Dr. John Delony? And here's how it comes out. You'll have a three-year-old that either really wants to hug you because somehow, and I don't know how they know this, they know that that's their job because you make dad okay. Or they learn really fast that the greatest gift they can provide to dad is to just kind of be out of the way.
48:15 Dr. John Delony? And at the same time, they can't physically be out of the way because they're three and everything in their body is saying, go towards, go towards, go towards.
48:24 Dr. John Delony? My guess is your wife is not frustrated about, I can't believe you're not enjoying this, she feels the electricity.
48:34 Speaker 03 Yeah, it's kind of both. I feel like I am a good dad. I feel like I do the things that I...
48:39 Dr. John Delony? I know you are. You go through the motions in an amazing way for someone who's been through what you've been through.
48:46 Speaker 03 Thank you.
48:46 Dr. John Delony? But I think it's what, I think, is it Brene Brown also, she said, "The sucky thing about like psychotropic medication is that joy and pain are on the same switch."
49:00 Speaker 03 That's a scary thought.
49:02 Dr. John Delony? It is.
49:05 Dr. John Delony? That's what, I can turn your hurt off, but I'm gonna turn off the highs too. I'm gonna turn off the good stuff. I'm gonna turn off the, we're not having sex, we're just sitting by my wife watching TV and we watch an old episode of Matlock and it's super lame and my heart rate just goes down another 10 beats a minute because I'm at peace. It's joy, right?
49:27 Speaker 03 Yeah.
49:29 Dr. John Delony? It's getting fired and being pissed off or being frustrated, but not thinking I'm a pathetic loser.
49:36 Dr. John Delony? And see, I told you so.
49:39 Dr. John Delony? I think that, I think the path forward, brother, is, A, don't beat yourself up for looking at a three and a one-year-old and being like, "Ugh." Right? Like, you're not crazy. That's a hard season. That's a house that's messy.
49:52 Dr. John Delony? Yes, it is a mess. If connection has been purely through sex, which is very common for guys in your situation, of course, that diminishes a lot with two kids under three running around the house. If you are now opening up your eyes and it's kind of like in retrospect and you're feeling and seeing, "Oh, I haven't really felt anything for a long time." I'm great at going through the motions. The practice for you and your counselor is not just to sit there and talk about and talk about and talk about what happened. But I want to begin to practice feeling good stuff, anxious stuff, scary stuff, bad stuff. Here's some ways you do that.
50:35 Dr. John Delony? It's stuff I talk about on the show a lot, but I don't go into all of the clinical detail just because I don't want to bore people. But that's why I have people write a letter and read it to somebody else. Because I want you to feel that stuff that's still there. That's why I want people to have somebody they can call and say, "Hey, I just got promoted." And there's nowhere in our modern ecology that allows us to share good news. Because everyone goes, "Oh, it must be nice." Or, "Oh, it's just because of..." and they insert some privileged position or whatever. There's no place to celebrate. Yeah. But for you, you're going to have to tiptoe your body into being able to feel
51:15 Dr. John Delony? again because it knows, dude, we buried our mom when we were 11. Yep. And I don't ever want to feel that again. And I don't know, dude, kids have a very refining fire way of seeing right through you. But I would sit down with you. I think the place to start would be to sit down with a therapist. I'm so proud of you for going, man. But to sit down and begin to practice, I want to begin walking towards how do I feel stuff? And there will be a mindful practice there. I'm going to send you my book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, just as a gift. This isn't about anxiety, but it is about presence. It's about how do I become okay in my own skin?
51:59 Dr. John Delony? And what are some practices I can do? And good for you, you've tried to solve it fiscally. You've tried to solve it in these other ways, and I get that.
52:12 Dr. John Delony? My guess is you've probably forgiven your 10-year-old self, but now we gotta let that 10-year-old actually absorb what happened. And we gotta do some pretty intentional things to let that 10-year-old cycle through your body and let him go play. Because 10-year-olds are supposed to be out playing, man, not burying their moms. And yes, it is, there's a story that people are told, like, "When you have a three-year-old, it's the greatest." Three's kind of the worst. It's hard. And then having a one-year-old that's... And having a spouse that's like, "This is the best." And you're just like, "It's not the best."
52:50 Dr. John Delony? And then you get into that cycle of, "I knew I was a loser. I knew I couldn't do this thing right." And home becomes a failure factory. And it just goes in a long line of, "This is why we don't feel anything." And unfortunately, that means shutting off all the good stuff, too. So I guess in a weird way, I hate to tell you this, but you're on the path. You're on the right path, dude. And I think now, you're gonna be like, "Dude, there's hard work ahead." There's the hardest work ahead. I guess what I would tell you, as somebody who's sat on the other side of that switch, I'm just not gonna feel anything. Dude, there is peace on the other side, but you gotta go through it. So sit down with your therapist the next time you're in there and say,
53:32 Dr. John Delony? "All right, it's game time now. We've been talking. We've been circling. I'm gonna learn how to feel." I'm gonna turn those switches back on, and it's gonna be an avalanche of electricity. And with your therapist, they can help you hold on through it. It's gonna be like Star Wars III, right? The Empire Strikes Back, when the guy's electrocuting, when the Emperor's electrocuting the guy.
53:56 Dr. John Delony? Darth Vader, and he still does the right, you know, does the right thing. It's gonna be like that. And that's why you have a good therapist to sit with you. It's gonna be tough. Blessings to your brother. Thank you for the call. Hang on the line. I'll get chucked up with that book. We'll be right back.
54:09 Dr. John Delony? All right, let's talk about Bond Charge. Here's the deal. The modern world exposes us to things that were unheard of until just a few decades ago. And I don't mean all the TikTok dances and the cat videos or the AI influencers. I'm talking about the screens in our homes and in our offices and the fluorescent lights and the EMFs. These things that can affect our mood, our sleep, our anxiety and more. And that's why I'm so excited to partner with Bond Charge, a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use Bond Charge products all the time, literally every single day, and I love them. I used them this morning when I was working out. And here's why you'll love them too. Studies show that red light therapy can boost your mood, reduce stress and help with sleep.
54:52 Dr. John Delony? It can also help your recovery from aches and pains and transform your skin and even help with cellulite and stretch marks. My red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, the EMF mat and more have become a cornerstone of my health and wellness routine. I use them all the time. You can also check out Bond Charge's other amazing products like blue light glasses, EMF protection products, infrared sauna blankets and 100% blackout sleep masks. Go to bondcharge.com/deloney and use coupon code DELONY to save 15%. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E. Bondcharge.com/deloney and use coupon code DELONY to save 15%.
55:33 Dr. John Delony? All right, we are back. We have something cool that happened, but Keeler, who is the president of the Ramsey Chess Club, was just foaming at the mouth here. What did I say? Did I say something wrong?
55:44 Speaker 00 Yeah. It was Return of the Jedi, not Empire.
55:53 Dr. John Delony? Oh, man.
55:56 Dr. John Delony? Nerds unite. Congratulations. You can always count on Keeler in your corner. What was it? Return of the Jedi? That's the Bubba Fett one?
56:05 Dr. John Delony? Look at that. Bobo? I think three of our listeners just wrecked their cars in rage and protest. Boba Fett. Boba? Yes. Isn't that like a T, like the... Like with the little gushy things at the bottom?
56:21 Speaker 04 Yes, but Bubba Fett, that's a different person.
56:24 Dr. John Delony? Bubba Fett's from Alabama.
56:25 Speaker 04 He's from Alabama. Yeah, totally different person.
56:28 Dr. John Delony? Bubba Fett is the cousin.
56:30 Speaker 04 Yeah, and he may be a bounty hunter as well.
56:33 Dr. John Delony? But it's for people who took the cows.
56:35 Speaker 04 Yeah, it's very different.
56:36 Dr. John Delony? Bubba Fett.
56:38 Speaker 04 For meth dealers.
56:39 Dr. John Delony? That's right. Bubba Fett gets the Sudafed. Boba Fett gets Skywalker's, I guess.
56:45 Speaker 04 Han Solo.
56:46 Dr. John Delony? All right.
56:47 Speaker 04 Just stop.
56:47 Dr. John Delony? All right, something cool happened. What... I love that you know too, Kelly.
56:51 Speaker 04 I do.
56:52 Dr. John Delony? I know.
56:53 Speaker 04 Was not this conversation is what was cool, but first of all...
56:56 Dr. John Delony? She does, listen, across the back of her neck, underneath her...
56:58 Speaker 04 Oh, here we go.
56:59 Dr. John Delony? Uh, her tattoo of the barcode that she has across the back of her neck. Underneath it, it says, "I love Jedis." Go ahead.
57:08 Speaker 04 I mean, I don't have one, but that, I mean, if I was gonna put, you know, Jedis are pretty cool.
57:12 Dr. John Delony? Ah, jeez.
57:13 Speaker 04 So, I'm good with that.
57:14 Dr. John Delony? We're doomed, America. Go ahead.
57:17 Speaker 04 We need some more, especially cool crap that happens. A lot of "Am I the Problems?" Y'all, y'all got problems. No question about that.
57:23 Dr. John Delony? They got problems and they don't want it to be them.
57:25 Speaker 04 And they want it to be other people.
57:26 Dr. John Delony? That's right, that's right.
57:27 Speaker 04 But we need some cool crap that happens, so I know I tell y'all to email them in. If you could go to askjohn.com
57:35 Speaker 04 and... Or to john delody.com/ask.
57:39 Dr. John Delony? She's just producing the crap out of the show, everybody. She's amazing at this.
57:41 Speaker 04 Oh, really, really?
57:43 Dr. John Delony? John Delody.com/ask.
57:44 Speaker 04 Yes, if you'll go to that and put it in, at the top of the question, put, you know, "Cool crap that happened" or "CCTH," that is the best way for those to get to us, and I would really appreciate it.
57:53 Dr. John Delony? All right, cool.
57:53 Speaker 04 So, this is from Amanda. Now, this one came in at the end of last year.
57:56 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
57:57 Speaker 04 So, keep that in mind. She said, "My husband and I separated this past March. My daughter was 11 at the time, and I had not yet found your podcast. Fast forward, and now I've found your podcast, and I heard you talk about dates with your kids and decided to try it this past September. Every Thursday, I pick up my daughter for school, and we've been going on dates. I wasn't sure if she would enjoy it or value it at first, but it's turned into the highlight of our week. We've already gone through the Questions for Humans for parents and kids, parents and teens that are currently going through the Thanksgiving deck. We drew the question about what we want to be grateful for in the next year." This morphed into an hour-long discussion with my now 13-year-old. We have been continuing to discuss how we can implement these things today that will create gratitude in one year.
58:41 Speaker 04 We're planning a special day to map out our goals for the upcoming year. I love how these cards can be super fun and silly and can also be super deep. Thank you.
58:50 Dr. John Delony? Dang dude. Good on her. Dude, separations with teens are brutal. They're brutal for everybody, but with teens, it's very, very tough, man. So, good on her, man. That's amazing. Taking that extra step. I think it would be awesome if you showed that level of intentionality towards me, Kelly.
59:13 Speaker 04 Seriously?
59:13 Dr. John Delony? No. I think we're good. I think you're all intentional, though.
59:20 Speaker 04 How about like if you came to a meeting I scheduled?
59:22 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, right.
59:22 Speaker 04 Or something like that?
59:23 Dr. John Delony? Hey, everybody, thanks for listening so much to the show.
59:24 Speaker 04 That'd be great.
59:25 Dr. John Delony? Super grateful for you.
59:26 Speaker 04 Because I'm trying to be intentional.
59:27 Dr. John Delony? Stay in school, don't do drugs, be nice to your coworkers, for God's sakes. And get more tattoos. Just don't get Star Wars ones, because Kelly's got most of the weird designs. Peace out.
Previous He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On Next My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . . Page updated November 3, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated