Maya Shankar ON: How to Embrace Change Gracefully & Find Purpose in Difficult Times

Maya Shankar sits down with Jay Shetty to talk about taking lessons from other people’s stories. While it is easy to inspire people to change when you have the tools and right environment to inspire them, it’s difficult to change a person’s mind. This is because our mind sticks to our own reality, it believes the circumstances that we are in, and it associates with the community that we belong to. Maya is currently the Senior Director of Behavioral Economics at Google and is the Creator, Host, and Executive Producer of “A Slight Change of Plans”, a podcast with Pushkin Industries. Maya previously served as a Senior Advisor in the Obama White House, where she founded and served as Chair of the White House's Behavioral Science Team. In 2016, she served as the first Behavioral Science Advisor to the United Nations under Ban Ki-moon. Achieve success in every area of your life with Jay Shetty’s Genius Community. Join over 10,000 members taking their holistic well-being to the next level today, at https://shetty.cc/OnPurposeGenius What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 03:22 The passion to learn and play the violin 07:57 Attach yourself to the traits of something 11:24 “The biggest challenge one faces is growing into themselves.” 17:22 A trait you didn’t always have but learned over time 20:49 Disparities between gender 23:36 Growing up in an Indian household 28:14 If they don’t agree with you, you become a threat to their values 39:18 Set up the right environment so people can experience it themselves 43:20 Using behavioral change insights to motivate yourself 46:19 Sustained behavioral change can be difficult 50:07 A reminder for a new beginning and a fresh start 53:11 When you create a role you love to play 56:42 Why start A Slight Change of Plans podcast? 01:00:11 An interview with a cancer patient 01:07:36 An interview with Morgan who joined the police force 01:12:04 Maya on Final Five 01:12:42 How do people find a good mentor Like this show? Please leave us a review here - even one sentence helps! Post a screenshot of you listening on Instagram & tag us so we can thank you personally! Episode Resources: Maya Shankar | Website Maya Shankar | Podcast Maya Shankar | Twitter Maya Shankar | LinkedIn Maya Shankar | Instagram See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jay Shetty?

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• 0:44Jay Shetty?

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• 2:10Jay Shetty?

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• 2:28Speaker 01

  When we have these really big life changes, these big milestones, like we move to another town, or we buy a home for the first time, or we get married, or we have kids, or we take a new job, those moments in time can serve as breaks from our past and all the habits that we used to have. In many ways, we can take on a new identity in this new role.

• 2:57Jay Shetty?

  Hey, everyone. Welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every single one of you for learning, listening, and growing with us every single week. Now, you know that I'm always trying to find new minds, new people, thought leaders who have insights that can help me learn, listen, and grow. And then I want to share that with you. And today's guest, when I first read about her, I was blown away immediately. And I knew I had to have her in the studio for this conversation. And so we finally are here. She came all the way. She's with us in person. I'm talking about none other than Maya Shankar. Now, for those of you that don't know, she's the Senior Director of Behavioral Economics at Google and is the creator, host,

• 3:41Jay Shetty?

  and executive producer of the podcast, A Slight Change of Plans, where she interviews fascinating guests that I can't wait to talk to her about. She previously served as a senior advisor in the Obama White House, where she founded and served as Chair of the White House's Behavioral Science Team, a team of scientists tasked with improving public policy using research insights from human behavior. Maya, thank you so much for being here. Your resume is phenomenal. You have an incredible set of expertise. I secretly wish I was a behavioral economist.

• 4:16Speaker 01

  I love hearing that.

• 4:17Jay Shetty?

  That comes from my... Behavioral economics has been like my passion since I was 15 years old. And I'm not smart enough to be one. But I get to sit with you today and get to pick your brain. So thank you for being here.

• 4:29Speaker 01

  Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much for having me. It's such a pleasure to be with you and to be in person with you, which feels so special at this point in time.

• 4:37Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, and we've already been talking offline and getting on. So anyone who's listening to this podcast, you're in for a real treat. Maya is so warm, so relaxed, so just such, you have such a warm energy about yourself. I know you were saying that about my wife, but you have the same.

• 4:52Speaker 01

  I need to tell your listeners. So knocked on the door and Ravi, Jay's wife, opens the door, has no idea who I am. I'm with my friend Madeline and she greets us in absolutely the warmest way. She's like, hello, welcome to my home. I have no idea who you are, but I'm going to be effusive and warm anyway. And I was so struck by her presence and that kind of energy. And then, of course, you walk up the stairs and you have exactly the same vibes. So I know why you guys are married. It's very sweet to see that in action.

• 5:24Jay Shetty?

  Well, we felt the same from you immediately as well. And I feel like we're old friends already.

• 5:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, completely.

• 5:28Jay Shetty?

  In the way that we're talking. And I want, I want to go back because I do want to use this as an excuse to get to know you better. But let's go back to the beginning of your journey. And I read that you were off to become a really successful violinist. And that was the path that you were on until you experienced an injury. I want to hear about that journey, your fascination with music. And tell us about how it all started out.

• 5:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, so when I was six years old, my mom went up to her attic and brought down my grandmother's violin that she had brought with her all the way from India when she immigrated to this country. So it's one of those few things that she carried with her. And when I was six, she brought it down from the attic and showed it to me. And she had only meant for me to see it. She said, oh, you know, I want, you know, this is, this is your patti's instrument, right? That's how you say grandmother in Tamil. And I looked at it and she noticed that I was so quickly taken by the instrument. I very quickly asked for a pint sized violin of my own. And she went to the store and got me a quarter sized violin and. I was infatuated. I mean, my mom never had to tell me to practice.

• 6:34Speaker 01

  Every day I'd rush home from school, go upstairs, open my instrument. And I assure you, Jay, I didn't feel that way about everything I was studying in school, but the violin was something that just felt like it came so naturally to me. And so, when I was nine years old, and I was that classic kid with really big dreams and no idea how to get there. My mom and I were in New York. And now, my parents have no connections at this point into the classical music world. And so, you know, my dad's a theoretical physicist. My mom helps immigrants get green cards in this country. They had no idea how to facilitate, you know, this transition for me. But then my mom is such a fearless go-getter. So, we're walking by the Juilliard School of Music in New York one Saturday.

• 7:16Speaker 01

  I happened to have my violin with me, and she said, "Maya, why don't we just go in?" "What do you mean, why don't we just go in? We don't have an invitation. That's why we don't go in. That's nuts." And she's like, "Let's just go in. Let's see what happens. What's the worst thing that can happen?" I was like, "Well, I'll tell you the worst thing that can happen. I'm gonna get rejected, and it's gonna be terrible." And my mom didn't care. She was like, "We're going in." So, we walk into Juilliard uninvited, and we stumble upon a fellow classmate. And my mom says, "Hey, would you mind if my daughter auditions for your teacher today? I know, you know, we don't have the formal invitation, but that would be wonderful." And they were so generous and kind. And I auditioned for him, and he accessed me into a summer program. And then, six months later, I auditioned for Juilliard and got accepted. So...

• 8:00Jay Shetty?

  Wow, that is amazing.

• 8:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, my mom is, she's taught me so many lessons. But one of them was, "Don't wait for, you know, that silver plate. Just create it, right?" And so, that began my journey of just being so in love with violin. And when I was a teenager, it's like Pearlman asked me to be his private violin student. And I'm sure a lot of your listeners can relate to this, but when you're in a deeply competitive environment like Juilliard, you don't really know if you have what it takes to succeed. And so, when Pearlman took me on as his student, that was the vote of confidence that I needed, that like, "Oh, maybe I do actually have what it takes." And so, I was even able to convince my parents that I should, you know, I wanted to go pro, and they were finally like, "Okay, fine. You don't have to do the liberal arts education. You can go to a conservatory for college."

• 8:45Speaker 01

  So, I had everyone on board. And then, like you mentioned, when I was 15, I had a sudden hand injury. Basically, overnight, doctors told me that I could never play the violin again. And... As you can imagine, I was just completely despondent because the violin had played such a formative role in my life up until that point. I felt like I was first and foremost a violinist, right? It was my identity. And you know, there's this interesting insight from cognitive science, which says, which is about this concept called identity foreclosure and refers to the fact that we can get really fixed in certain identities, especially in adolescence. I mean, it can carry through into adulthood, but certainly in adolescence. And I felt prey to that.

• 9:29Speaker 01

  I kind of felt like, for the first time ever, I was asking all these existential questions about myself, like, who am I? You know, who am I without the violin? I'd never thought to ask myself that question before. And in many ways, having, being forced to pivot at that moment in my life has given me a much more malleable sense of self, a much more malleable identity. And I think that's served me well as I've, you know, endured life's twists and turns.

• 9:54Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, wow. I mean, I can't imagine what it feels like to be that age and be told you can't play an instrument again and, you know, something that you've built up such a close relationship with over nine years. I mean, tell us about what you were feeling. How did it affect your confidence? Because I'm guessing at that time as well, when your identity's wrapped up in being a performer or being a violinist and you have this incredible mentor and then that's taken away, what is that? What did that feel like? And, you know, what did that kind of push you towards? What changed about you at that point?

• 10:25Speaker 01

  I resisted it for a while. I was the impatient teenager that was like, I'm going to get through this. Damn those doctors. I don't care what they say. Well, actually, those doctors were super right and I needed to just have listened to them from the beginning. But I think what it taught me was something very important, which was, it was much more stable and sturdy for me to attach my identity not to a specific thing.

• 10:50Speaker 01

  But to the traits of that thing that lit me up. And so when I dug deeper, I realized, you know, my child brain thought, well, I love the violin. I love the instrument. I love the way it feels. I love the sounds it produce. But actually, Jay, the thing that really got me ticking is the fact that my instrument allowed me to forge a close emotional connection with people almost effortlessly. So imagine I'm a kid, right? Nine years old. I go onto a stage. There's thousands of people in the audience that I've never met before. They've never met me. And within moments, I'm allowing them to feel something they've never felt before. Right? We have some sort of emotional intimacy and bond that's forming between us just because of the music that I'm playing.

• 11:34Speaker 01

  And I realized like, well, that's what I'm actually passionate about. It's human connection. I mean, that's probably why I responded so much to your warmth, right? Because that's genuinely what makes me tick in life is connecting with other human beings, trying to understand what motivates them, what pains them, what brings them joy. And I feel like that led me down this path to studying the human mind in all of its intricacies. Right? The science behind the human mind. And in many ways, it led me to this new podcast I've been creating, A Slight Change of Plans, where I have this license now to go into a room and interview people like Hillary Clinton and Tiffany Haddish and others and say, hey, Hillary, apropos of nothing, what is your biggest insecurity? What's the hardest moment of your life?

• 12:19Speaker 01

  You know, you can cut through all the pleasantries and just really dig deep. And I think when I look over the course of my life, that is the common thread. It's this deep desire to emotionally connect with those around me. And I've just tried to find that in other pursuits. And, you know, for those listening, I feel like if you're going through a hard time where you're being forced to pivot, try to identify what features or traits of things that you like. And then try to engage in an exploration to figure out where else they might exist in other domains.

• 12:48Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I'm so glad you raised that point. I think that's so powerful. Like, we get so obsessed with activities and identities shaped around activities. And it's not about activities. It's about the aspects, the subtle things, the role you get to play, the relationship you have with that thing that makes a difference. I often say to people, like, people think like, Your purpose is to be a speaker, or your purpose is to be a podcast. And it's like, well, none of those are a purpose. They are vehicles and they are platforms and they're modes of sharing a message. But the purpose is the reason why you do it and your intention and what you put into it. And I think we all get so lost with like, well, what's the activity that I want to do? So I love how you broke that down and simplified that. But you also gave me a few good,

• 13:34Jay Shetty?

  you also gave me a few good questions to ask you now, based on what you've been asking other people. So I'm going to be using them on you. I was going in that direction. I wanted to know, since then, what do you think's the most difficult experience you've personally gone through since then? So that was obviously a big thing at 15, 16. What since then has been probably the biggest personal challenge that you feel you've been faced with?

• 13:56Speaker 01

  I think the biggest challenge one faces is growing into themselves. I think for me, if I were to summarize the biggest challenge in my own life, it is the acceptance of certain parts of my personality that I wish were different, that I just need to be okay with and to manage in life in spite of those things, right?

• 14:15Jay Shetty?

  Give me an example.

• 14:16Speaker 01

  I'm incredibly impatient. I want everything to have happened yesterday. And that impatience can have lots of negative. And my mom would always say when I was a kid that she's like, before I'd know it, you were running across the street. You wouldn't wait for like the light to turn. She's like, I was always terrified something was going to happen to you. So I've always seen my impatience as being a negative thing. But then I think about the parts of my life in which that impatience has really served me well. So a good example of this is, so a quick backstory. So as I mentioned to you, I discovered cognitive science and I ended up becoming an academic. So I did my PhD. I did my postdoc in cognitive neuroscience. And I remember there was this moment, I was in the basement of, I was at Stanford at the time.

• 15:01Speaker 01

  So I was in the basement of an fMRI laboratory and I was scanning this guy's brain. I'd probably been in this windowless room in the basement for about five hours at this point. So he comes in and within moments, I'm peering into his brain and I'm thinking to myself, given my personality, I feel like the order of operations is a little off here. Like, I don't know whether this guy has kids, I don't know what he's passionate about, I don't know if he has children, I don't know what his favorite ice cream flavor is. These are important questions, Jay, I don't know anything about him. And yet, I'm peering into his brain, which feels really intimate. So I remember thinking to myself, I'm too social for this, like, I need to pivot in some way. And I didn't know what to do, because what does a postdoc in cognitive neuroscience do other than become an academic, become a professor?

• 15:43Speaker 01

  So I ended up talking with my undergraduate mentor, who I know, you know, Laurie Santos. Oh, I didn't realize that. Yeah, yeah, so she was my freshman. I love Laurie. I did not know that, I don't know, I missed that, yeah. Yeah, she's one of my closest friends and has been an incredible mentor to me ever since freshman year of college. I can share the story, how we met at some point later, but anyway, I call her up and I'm saying to her, Laurie, so the thing I've been doing for the last 10 years, I'm kind of in like a JK moment, where I no longer want to be doing this, but what do I do next? Should I try to become a general management consultant? Like, I don't understand what I can do. So she tells me, Maya, there's this incredible work happening in the White House right now,

• 16:25Speaker 01

  where they are using insights from our field, from the science of decision-making, and it is changing people's lives. So for example, they are changing the default settings in this school lunch program that helps low-income kids eat lunch every day. And instead of it being an opt-in program, they're making it an opt-out program, so that all eligible kids are automatically enrolled, without the need for a burdensome application, or the stigma associated with signing up your kids for a public benefits program. And now, parents only need to take a step if they want to actively un-enroll their kids from the program. So as a result of that change, 12.5 million more kids were eating school at lunch every day. So I'm thinking to myself, so this gets to the impatience piece, right?

• 17:08Speaker 01

  Thinking to myself, oh, my gosh, I want to have that job. But that job doesn't exist. It just was work that was happening. There's no role for a behavioral scientist. And so I go home that day and Laurie makes some connections for me.

• 17:23Jay Shetty?

  You fly to DC and walk into the White House like you walked into Julia. That's what happens, right?

• 17:28Speaker 01

  It's actually pretty close to that, Jay. I send a cold email to an Obama advisor. He doesn't know who I am. I'm riding off the coattails of famous people like Laurie Santos and Cass Sunstein, who wrote the book Nudge, and they're helping guide the way. But I basically interview with a White House official two days after I send this email. I move to DC without having a formal offer letter. I remember I sold everything California, other than my bike. I signed a one-year lease in DC and I was like, I'm here, whether you all like it or not, because I need to be here. So that impatience kicked in. And then it really kicked in when I was at the White House, where I had this big, grand goal to build a team of behavioral scientists. And I wasn't given a mandate or a budget to do so.

• 18:10Speaker 01

  And that impatient personality really helped me thrive there, where I refused to take no for an answer. I pushed people every day. I was like, every day matters in this administration. I feel like accepting the parts of myself that I haven't always liked and trying to figure out if there are silver linings to those traits. Like, my husband and I will often do this, even in our relationship, right? Where I'll be like, Jimmy, you're being too much of a people pleaser. Like, you need to just say no to the person. And he'll remind me, he'll be like, you know, Maya, the fact that I can be a people pleaser sometimes does make me a very loving husband. I am very kind. I'm like, oh, you are really kind and loving. You're so right. And so I think my husband Jimmy has helped me,

• 18:51Speaker 01

  if we can do that with each other, remind each other that traits are complicated and complex and they have pros and cons. And we should give ourselves the same, you know, we should constantly remind ourselves. And he was teaching me by role modeling it with himself. I should remember that there are also some pros.

• 19:09Jay Shetty?

  I love that. Is he a behavioral economist, too?

• 19:11Speaker 01

  He's actually a software engineer.

• 19:13Jay Shetty?

  Okay, right, okay. I was just like, is he like, you know?

• 19:16Speaker 01

  But he's very wise. I feel like he is a behavioral economist at times. Can I ask you that same question, though?

• 19:21Jay Shetty?

  Go for it.

• 19:22Speaker 01

  Is there a trait in you where you didn't always embrace it, but you've learned over time that there might be, you know, it's a double edged sword in some way.

• 19:30Jay Shetty?

  No, it's really interesting. When I think about, I'd have to stop to think about if there's a trait. I feel that way about, when you started talking about that, the first thing that came to my mind was, and I've been feeling this a lot lately and I've been talking about it. It's this idea of when I lived as a monk, I was trying so hard to be a monk. And now I've realized that that's just one part of me. I love being a messenger through media. I love being a thinker. I love being a content creator. I love being so much more than that.

• 20:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:01Jay Shetty?

  And that's such a big part of my identity. It still is a massive part of my life. It's the foundation of who I am, but it's not all of me. I'm an entrepreneur. I'm a married man and I love being married. I love being an entrepreneur and I love strategy and marketing. And I love all these things, which you wouldn't think a monk likes all those things. And so it took me a lot of time to kind of unravel what that identity was, where I saw myself for such a long part of my life, or such a deep part of my life as a monk. And now to realize that's a part of me and not all of me.

• 20:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:34Jay Shetty?

  And I think so, I'm trying to think of a trait to give you a more specific answer. I think I've always been pretty self assured. And so I think I've turned stuff probably earlier than people would. And that's either that's my illusion or delusion and I'm okay with that. But I'd say that intensity, I always talk about intensity as one of my traits. I'm a very intense person. If I'm focused, I'm very laser focused. And that causes a lot of issues because I can have tunnel vision. I can be completely dedicated and obsessed with something and not care about everything else for that time. But I've also realized that's what helps me learn and grow quicker and accelerate and move forward. And so I actually think if you look at every one of your traits,

• 21:18Jay Shetty?

  you're right, you'll find a pro and a con for every trait we have.

• 21:21Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 21:22Jay Shetty?

  And you have to, I think we have to learn how to. Use them in a way that helps us serve ourselves and serve others, as opposed to use them in a way that forces other people to have to change. And I think that's the part, I think that's the part that I'm becoming more and more conscious of as a trait is the trait of being extremely focused on something shouldn't stop you from being aware of other people's feelings. And I think if I can get that subtlety right, then, then I'm gonna win.

• 21:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:55Jay Shetty?

  But if I don't have that subtlety, I've worked with so many clients that that's exactly the subtlety they didn't have. And then that led to destruction of their families, their marriage, their personal lives, or whatever it may have been, in the pursuit of greatness in a certain regard. Does that make sense?

• 22:11Speaker 01

  It does make sense. And it's making me think too, as I'm listening to you share this with me. I think, well, of course you should embrace that, Jay. That's what makes you so special and unique and rare. And of course, there's a silver lining. Like, look at your life, look at the positive impact you've had on so many. And what I'm realizing is that I so effortlessly see other people through that lens. But because I think as people, as humans, we're just so hard on ourselves. We rarely turn it around and say, well, why don't you view yourself with that same complexity?

• 22:40Jay Shetty?

  Yes.

• 22:41Speaker 01

  And maybe that's the, that's been the hardest thing I've gone through is trying to use that same amount of compassion with myself.

• 22:47Jay Shetty?

  Yeah. And, and if it's not our place to say, I also think it's, it's the difference in gender and men and women too. I do think that I have male privilege in that you are just a bit more self-assured and more confident because it's been reaffirmed. Whereas from the studies I've read, and you could probably speak to this a million times more than I can. But women are more likely to look at a job description and think, oh, my gosh, I can't do seven out of those 10 things. Whereas a man will look at it and go, oh, but I could do three out of 10. That's good enough. And that kind of discrepancy, I don't know how you feel about that and how that affects it, but.

• 23:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, I definitely, I mean, the studies are really compelling, showing that there are disparities. And, um, you know, it's reminding me, nobody's immune to those effects. So I remember, so for my podcast, A Slight Change of Plans, you know, I had the honor of interviewing Hillary Clinton. And what that interview taught me is that. Hillary Clinton didn't come out of the box Hillary Clinton. She had to go through her own personal journey and development, and also resolve a lot of the insecurities and anxieties that you and I are talking about right now. So I remember she was telling me, she was sharing this story about how she'd just left the White House as First Lady. And she'd always been tethered to her husband's identity, right?

• 24:00Speaker 01

  That had been the role that she had played, and she was very productive in that role, but it wasn't her role. And she so fervently believed that women should run for offices and be in leadership positions and be in power. So she was motivating all these people around her to do that. And one day she was in an event promoting women in sports. And this basketball player leaned down and whispered into her ear, "Dare to compete, Mrs. Clinton, dare to compete." And she said she was astonished in that moment because no one had said it to her like that. But she realized suddenly, maybe I'm too afraid to do the thing that I've been asking everybody else to do. Maybe I don't think I'm good enough.

• 24:44Speaker 01

  Maybe I don't know if I have what it takes and if people will like me and if I have the right presence for politics. And that was so powerful to hear from someone like her, you know? Wow, even Hillary at times felt this. And then to see where she's come from there, I mean, talk about inspiring, right? She was able to overcome all of that and go on to accomplish incredible things. And I think that experience showed me that we all have this kind of, I mean, it sounds so cliche, but it's so true. It's like we all have some degree of self doubt. And it's just a matter of finding ways to manage that and learning from other people's experiences.

• 25:22Jay Shetty?

  Absolutely. I want to backtrack a bit to, first of all, having South Asian parents and being encouraged to play the violin and go to Juilliard. And then like just your whole journey, I'm fascinated by, your parents sound amazing.

• 25:35Speaker 01

  They're wonderful.

• 25:36Jay Shetty?

  Tell us a bit about what it was like, like, did you feel that other children in the South Asian diaspora were encouraged in the same direction? Did you feel like an anomaly? I want to hear about how you felt on that journey because it's very unique.

• 25:49Speaker 01

  I'm not sure whether other South Asian kids were following that journey at that time.

• 25:52Jay Shetty?

  Did you have a lot of South Asian kids at school?

• 25:53Speaker 01

  Because I grew up, yeah, I was gonna say, I grew up in a primarily Caucasian hometown. And we are one of the few families of color anywhere.

• 26:01Jay Shetty?

  How did that feel with like, tell me a bit about that because I think that the South Asian experience in England is very different than the South Asian experience in the US. So I'm intrigued.

• 26:10Speaker 01

  Yes, I, I think I was so eager to assimilate. Everything from, you know, I have like textured hair and I remember going to a birthday party and all the girls with the smooth shiny hair got, got like the pretty scrunchies. And I was given a headband. I was like the one girl that didn't get, I mean, clearly I'm over this Jay. It's not like I still remember it at age 35.

• 26:33Jay Shetty?

  And I'm laughing, that's the worst.

• 26:35Speaker 01

  No, no, no, totally. But it's like these small things. I just so desperately wanted to be like the girls that I saw at school. And you know, my dad remembers when I'd write all these stories as a kid. I wouldn't use Indian names for my characters. It was always Catherine and Lindsay and Katie and, you know, and so it took me a long time to really feel comfortable in my skin. And I think one thing that actually helped me on that front is, well, one, I'm one of four kids. So I always felt a huge sense of tribalism, like it's my family against the world, you know? And my parents were always deeply proud of being Indian and I loved that. I mean, especially looking back, you know, it's like my mom is a brilliant chef.

• 27:18Speaker 01

  She made us amazing meals. At the time I was like, we should just get pizza. And now I'm like, oh my God, I had gourmet food in my home growing up. How could I not have appreciated it? So they were fiercely proud of being Indian. And while I rejected it as a child, I think I grew into it. And then, you know, now I'm fiercely proud to be Indian. And it's funny, one of the jobs that I had right before grad school was working at Sesame Street. And I worked on the Indian version of the show.

• 27:43Jay Shetty?

  No way.

• 27:44Speaker 01

  And yeah, there's an Indian version. And what I love about Sesame Street, Jay, a lot of people don't know that.

• 27:47Jay Shetty?

  I love Sesame Street.

• 27:48Speaker 01

  Is that, is that it changes young children's minds in ways that families can embrace. So for example, in, this was back in the day, I don't know the show, how the show's evolved, but in the South African version, the main Muppet character is HIV positive. She's always taking her medications on time. It's reducing the stigma around HIV. And then in Israel, the main Muppets, one is an Arab Muslim and one's an Israeli Jew, and they're best friends, and they both love hummus, and they bond in all these ways. And in the Indian version, the main character, Chunky, is always wearing her backpack. She's committed to going to school. It's all about, you know, young girls striving in school.

• 28:23Jay Shetty?

  Wow.

• 28:24Speaker 01

  And so what I did was I worked to domesticate the Indian version of the show so that families in the United States could have it, so that young kids growing up could feel the sense of pride that I wish I had felt as a youngster, but only came later. So they could grow up hearing languages like Hindi in their homes and grow up seeing young kids, young Muppets, eating Indian food, eating with their hands, you know? And so, yeah, I mean, it was a very interesting experience for my parents to come here. And, you know, my older three siblings got a lot of exposure to Tamil, our mother tongue. By the time I came around, you know, they were like, oh, I think the kids should just assimilate, you know, like, no, we're all just figuring this out for ourselves. But I did spend my graduate years in England.

• 29:07Speaker 01

  I did my my D Phil, and it did feel like the South Asian experience is very different there. So I don't know if anything I've shared resonates or doesn't resonate with your experience.

• 29:15Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, no, I think a lot of it does, actually. Like, the idea of, I think, in your early years to kind of be embarrassed or shy or unconfident about your Indian experience. Like, when my mom would make me an Indian lunch to take to school, like, I would eat it in the corner and hope that no one could smell it or whatever. And now I feel the same way as you do. My mom made amazing food and, you know, you're right, we had gourmet meals at home. And I'm, I was, when you were saying that, all I was thinking was Dosa, and I'm a massive fan. And so, you know, but the idea of just, like, starting to understand the value of that culture and then sharing it out. But I love what you were sharing about Sesame Street. I didn't, I had no idea. So I wish I had that to watch, too. I didn't have any of that to watch when I was growing up. So I can imagine the the impact of that.

• 29:58Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by Amtrak. You know that feeling when you're already tired and you haven't even gotten there yet? That's where Amtrak comes in. Leave the driving behind and settle into a comfortable seat with plenty of room to stretch out. Catch up on work with Wi-Fi, grab a snack at the café car, or just sit back and enjoy your favorite podcast. Choose a seller or Northeast Regional and get there without the stress of getting there. Visit amtrak.com to plan your next trip.

• 30:30Jay Shetty?

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• 31:16Jay Shetty?

  Terms and conditions apply. Need to hire? This is a job for Indeed sponsored jobs. This episode is brought to you by Mazda. The best habits are the ones we hardly notice, the ones that quietly shape the way we move through life, giving us the confidence to focus on what really matters. That's Mazda's approach to safety. Every Mazda is designed with proactive safety features that help keep you more aware, more connected, and more engaged with your drive, so you can stay present behind the wheel. That commitment has earned Mazda recognition as Consumer Reports' safest new car brand. And as of July 2026, Mazda has won more 2026 IIHS Top Safety Pick Plus awards than any other car brand. Visit www.iihs.org to learn more.

• 32:01Jay Shetty?

  A lot can happen when an accident doesn't. Mazda, more of what matters to you. Visit MazdaUSA.com to learn more. Consumer Reports does not endorse products or services. Tell us about, you know, you've been studying human behavior. That's your fascination. It's your, it's your deep passion. You've done it at the highest levels and are doing it at the highest levels. What's something that you've learned through that about human behavior that scares you about humans? Like, what's something that's kind of like difficult or uncomfortable as a researcher to come across? And then you're trying to figure out or reconcile how to hopefully aid it or cure it?

• 32:42Speaker 01

  That's a fascinating question. I've never been asked that before. And it's such an important one to ask because we have to be honest about the human condition and human nature.

• 32:52Speaker 01

  I think the scariest thing, given the state of the research right now, is that while it can be easy to inspire behavior change in people, it is incredibly hard for people to change their minds. And I think as a culture, as a society, we are experiencing this in spades right now in a time when things feel incredibly divided and divisive. And, you know, we can't even have a normal Thanksgiving dinner anymore, right? It's tragic. What I've learned is that, you know, we know that people can disagree even on empirical matters, right? Like, is climate change real? Or is the coronavirus real?

• 33:35Speaker 01

  Or does gun control reform actually reduce gun deaths? And it's tempting for people who have a more empirical mind to think, oh, I'll just give them more facts. This is just the result of an information gap, right? I can easily fill the gap just by showing them the data, showing them the evidence. But we know from research that this is missing a huge part of the puzzle. And the piece that's missing is people do not generate their attitudes and beliefs just based on facts. They generate their attitudes and beliefs about the world in part based on their membership to different groups and the values those groups hold.

• 34:16Speaker 01

  And so there's this really interesting study, it's actually from the 50s, and it involved controversial referee calls during a football game. And they had people who were fans of opposing teams watch this footage of these controversial calls. And even though they were watching exactly the same footage, their assessments of these calls vary considerably based on their group membership, based on their team loyalty. So those people who were fans of one team tended to feel like the unfair calls were in their direction and vice versa, right? And what's astonishing to me about that research, and the reason I mention it, is it's not

• 34:57Speaker 01

  like these folks are consciously aware, oh, I know that I'm not able to be biased, I know that I'm seeing a warped version of reality. Of course not. This is their reality, and it shows how potent these group memberships are, that they can actually affect people's perception of reality.

• 35:15Speaker 01

  And so what that means in practice is that when it comes to bridging divides, we need to use different techniques than just throwing information at people.

• 35:23Jay Shetty?

  Yes.

• 35:24Speaker 01

  Um, one of my favorite findings from behavioral economics, to your point about whether we can ameliorate some of these concerns, um, comes from a domain called, um, moral reframing. And it's research that shows that it's much more effective to hold people's values as fixed and present an argument or present a position in ways that affirm those values rather than threaten them. So for example, um, if you are trying to convince a conservative to care more about the environment, you might frame it as caring about the environment means preserving our nature's beauty, our nat- our natural beauty, right? It is patriotic to care about the environment.

• 36:08Jay Shetty?

  Mm-hmm.

• 36:09Speaker 01

  If you're talking with a liberal, you might focus on the fact that investing in climate change reform can actually help elevate those with socio-economically underprivileged status, right? It can help them thrive. And so in both cases, it's the same policy objective. You're trying to get people to care about the climate, but you are taking into account what their existing value systems are.

• 36:32Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 36:32Speaker 01

  So if they don't feel that in agreeing with you, they're threatening their tribal membership.

• 36:37Jay Shetty?

  Yes.

• 36:38Speaker 01

  And that helps me build a lot of empathy for people right now because let's take the coronavirus, right? It's so easy to think it's just a mask, like just wear one already. I promise you it'll make you safe.

• 36:50Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 36:50Speaker 01

  But when you look at it through the lens of psychology, through cognitive science, you realize wearing a mask for a person can carry huge symbolic significance. And it could potentially threaten the relationships in their life that they hold most sacred. And so when you have that in mind, I just think it's the, in general, I think studying the human mind is the greatest empathy builder that exists out there because the minute you uncover why it is that a person has a particular belief, then there's an element of understanding.

• 37:20Jay Shetty?

  Yes.

• 37:20Speaker 01

  That allows you to approach the person differently and for them to approach you differently potentially and for you to try to make, uh, to meet halfway, you know?

• 37:28Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I couldn't agree more. That was a beautiful answer, by the way, and, and. You know, as scary as it is, you are right that the study of the human mind is potentially the only antidote, because then you start to see how you're caught in your own trap yourself. And I think that's the hardest part. As you're saying with those fans, they couldn't see that they were being really biased, or you know, that they were getting lost on one side because of their affiliation. And they just couldn't see that. And not being able to see that, not being able to step back and be an observer, and take the home jersey off, take the away jersey off, and just be the referee yourself. And that's almost like we need referee vision. Like, you need to be able to see the game as, hopefully, an unbiased

• 38:11Jay Shetty?

  referee would, to be able to truly make the right calls. Sorry, yeah, go on.

• 38:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, I completely agree with that. And I also think the wonderful thing about being in my field is that it is serving up solutions. And it's giving us tactics that we can use in our day to day life when we converse with those we disagree with. So I was talking about this with Adam Grant, who I had on my podcast recently. I love Adam. Huge fan. He's wonderful. And I was talking about how I had interviewed Daryl Davis for my podcast. And Daryl Davis is a black jazz musician who was approached by a member of the Ku Klux Klan when he was performing at a bar one night. And the guy at the bar said, hey, I love your music, man. It's incredible. And then Daryl finds out that this man is

• 39:00Speaker 01

  from the Klan. And he starts to ask himself a series of questions, like, how is it that these people can hate me without even knowing me? And so, he ends up pivoting in his life. Talk about a slight change of plans. And ends up inspiring hundreds of people to leave white supremacy groups. And

• 39:23Speaker 01

  It's an astonishing story of how someone who has every card stacked against them, even in terms of personal safety, having these conversations, conducting these interviews with members of the Klan, could find a way to penetrate their minds and ultimately get them to make one of the greatest leaps we can see in terms of mindset change, which is going from believing in absolute vitriol to turning their backs on the Klan. And what I loved about my interview with him, Jay, is that so much of what he was sharing is corroborated by the science. So we know when it comes to changing people's minds, certain tactics are very effective. You want to show genuine curiosity for why that person has their beliefs. You want to increase your question to statement ratio. So you're asking

• 40:08Speaker 01

  them, "Well, how did you arrive, you know, at this belief in the first place? And what evidence would, in theory, change your mind? What would you have to learn in order to think differently about this?" And one reason I love that question is that it presupposes that they ought to be willing to change their mind in the face of evidence, which is not something we can always take for granted. And then there's other techniques, like you try to affirm that you're not questioning their morals, you're not questioning their values or their humanity over the course of the conversation. You're just simply trying to understand why it is that they believe in something. And then I think the most powerful one, and this is something Daryl shared with me, is he doesn't like to say that he changed people's minds. He likes to say that he inspired them to change their own minds. And the science

• 40:52Speaker 01

  there corroborates that beautiful, poignant statement, which is, you want to recruit their own sense of agency. You want to make them feel that it was them who decided to change their minds. You arm them with new perspectives, with information, with your own personal story, but let them wrestle with all that. And then the sturdiness of a mindset change that a person themselves inspires is far greater than trying to impose a set of beliefs on someone.

• 41:21Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I couldn't agree more. I often find that when... When we're presenting something to someone and they're not taking up to it, we think it's because of their weakness.

• 41:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 41:29Jay Shetty?

  And often it's our weakness in the presentation, right? It's like if something's not been clearly articulated or presented to someone, or in a way they can digest it, they may not remember it and they may not understand it. But the responsibility of that falls so much more on those of us that feel we know and are sharing this new way or alternative path.

• 41:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 41:51Jay Shetty?

  And I've found that so much so in, you know, in the work I do and I'm working with people on, which effectively is changing their behavior. And I, very early on, a lot of people would ask me like, "Don't you get frustrated when someone doesn't start meditating after you've been telling them about meditation?" Whatever it may be. And I'm just like, "I don't," because I know how long it took me to start meditating.

• 42:11Speaker 01

  So it's safe to tell you now that I don't meditate, even though I know I shouldn't.

• 42:14Jay Shetty?

  Totally fine.

• 42:15Speaker 01

  That's awesome, because I know you're gonna be empathetic.

• 42:16Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, no, exactly. Because it's just, first of all, I know how long it took me. Second of all, I know, I know how hard it is. And I've seen this research on people's minds. And I haven't done it, but I've seen it and read it. And I can also just recognize that I still haven't said something that lets the penny drop for them, right? Like, there's somewhere where I need to go. And then, and usually what I've found is it's not what I say or even what I do, it's an experience they need to have. And that's kind of the question I've always been asking is, "What experience has this person not had yet that will help them change their mind?" Because if they have that experience, then that's theirs. Kind of what you're saying, like, then that's theirs to keep.

• 42:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 42:58Jay Shetty?

  But if their experience is only through what I tell them, then that's not their experience, it's my experience. And so for me, it's always been about creating and facilitating experiences and experiments for people to help them get their own research and data and their own conclusion, rather than saying or doing anything. And so I'm always fascinated by how you can use experiments and experiences to, to help people have a new, you know, a newfound solution that they didn't even comprehend before.

• 43:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, I love the way that you just said it. That's my experience, not theirs. And it reminds me, you know, one of the women that I interviewed for a slight change of plans, her name is Megan Phelps-Roper, and she grew up in the Westboro Baptist Church. I don't know if you're familiar with this church.

• 43:40Jay Shetty?

  No, no.

• 43:41Speaker 01

  But it is, um, the Southern Poverty Law Center, I think refers to them as the most rabid hate group in America. So they are... Homophobic, anti-Semitic, basically, they hate everybody who's not a member of the church. And they do abhorrent things like show up at military gay, like gay military funerals. They wanted to protest the Sandy Hook shooting. I mean, it's horrible. And Meghan grew up in this church. Her grandfather was the founder. And she was absolutely indoctrinated. I mean, she was steeped in the ideology from a very, very young age. And she grew up to become one of those, one of their most ardent vocal advocates for the church. And people engage, ended engaging with her on Twitter, actually,

• 44:26Speaker 01

  in this very compassionate way that you and I have been talking about where they tried to just help her understand that maybe there were a few holes here and there. That's how they, you know, the very slow process and they would reaffirm her humanity. And they would just point out some inconsistencies, like the moral reframing stuff that I was saying. But they would, they wouldn't say, Meghan, what you believe is crazy. They would say, you know, actually, there's a few issues here and there. And what she says, so she ended up leaving the church in her mid twenties, which meant leaving her family behind and leaving basically everything she ever believed to be true behind. And I asked her this question, right? I said, how do you think about your family? Right? And the fact that they haven't left, like what gives you hope? How do you think about your former self, you know?

• 45:10Speaker 01

  And she said, I don't try to detach myself from my former self, even though I disagree 1 million percent with what that former self was like. Because I can then feel close to the person that I was. And the person that I was was someone who was persuaded by absolutely terrible ideas. And then one day saw the light. And that gives me hope that if my family experiences the same thing that I experienced, if people treat them in exactly the way they treated me, maybe there's hope for them too. So it's exactly what you just described, where she knows, I can't just, I'm not able to just tell them that this is wrong. But I'm hopeful because I saw that journey in myself. I am a convert.

• 45:54Speaker 01

  And so I believe that if I can just set up the right environments for them to get that kind of exposure, they could potentially leave too.

• 46:01Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, it's that idea of like, people don't have a remote control that has the fast-forward button on life. So you can't see the future implications of your current action.

• 46:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 46:13Jay Shetty?

  And you can see around you, but it never feels you. It never feels like it's about you. And so the reason why it resonates so strongly with me is because, and we spoke about this a bit earlier before offline, but I was someone who experimented with a lot of drugs when I was young, but I never got addicted, obsessed, or never really got into doing something for a long period of time. And the only reason why that happened is I met one of my friend's aunts, who was an addict, and I saw her have a fit in front of me. And it was such a traumatic experience where we thought she was going to die and she didn't, thankfully. We, you know, we called the ambulance and everything else.

• 46:52Jay Shetty?

  But it was like, it was such a like traumatic live event of seeing someone who was an addict to a particular substance, to then go through that in front of us as young men. And for me to go, okay, I'm never messing around with this stuff ever again. And it was like an experience. And it's the same way I think about what you were saying earlier, that facts don't work. Like, we know every cigarette pack has

• 47:13Speaker 01

  The label.

• 47:14Jay Shetty?

  The label. And it's never worked. Like, you know, that doesn't stop people. But when someone loses someone in their life, or when someone hears about someone getting an unfortunate diagnosis because of one of their habits, it starts to change their mind. Tell me about something that, we talked about traits that you've started to see both sides of. Do you think that works for everything? Or have there been certain behavioral changes you've made in your life that you felt just had to be transformations for you?

• 47:41Speaker 01

  So I think for me, exercise has been the thing that I've really had to introduce behavioral changes around. Because I've seen I almost don't do it for fitness reasons, Jay. I do it for my mind. And it is so powerful for my mind. Like, the days that I work out versus the days that I don't feel totally different to me. And I've actually used some behavioral change insights to motivate me to exercise. So I'll share one of those with you.

• 48:10Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 48:11Speaker 01

  It's an insight that was generated by my friend Katie Milkman, who's a professor who studies change. And it's called temptation bundling. And the logic behind this is to pair up an undesirable activity with a desirable activity. And you're only allowed to do the desirable activity if it accompanies the undesirable one.

• 48:33Jay Shetty?

  Wow.

• 48:33Speaker 01

  So one of my favorite things in life is to discover a new pop song. Okay? I'm into all of it, like Chorus Taylor Swift. I guess Kacey Musgraves is in pop. She's someone I interviewed for my podcast, and I love her music. But she's, you know, she's genre-defying.

• 48:48Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 48:49Speaker 01

  But I love discovering a new song. But I know, because of the way the brain adapts, that I'll only get like 30 or 40 really good listens out of a song before it becomes old hat.

• 48:59Jay Shetty?

  Right.

• 49:00Speaker 01

  And so I save it. I only listen to these songs when I'm on the treadmill or I'm lifting weights or I'm on the elliptical. And my poor husband, because he'll be like, oh, my gosh, we're cooking dinner. Let's play the new Kacey Musgraves album. And I'm like, we do not play recreationally, okay? It needs to be saved for these sacred moments when I'm working out. It's been wonderful to like, you know, even though I study change for a living, even though I'm a behavioral economist, I fall prey to all the same human biases that we all fall prey to, of course. And so I'm using these strategies every single day in my life to try to optimize and reach some of these longer-term goals.

• 49:35Jay Shetty?

  I love that one. So wait, is there research that actually says you're only going to get 30 to 40 plays out of a song? Is there research that goes along?

• 49:41Speaker 01

  No, this is just the Maya formula. I have no idea what it is for you, Jay. I think, given your monk days, you're probably closer to like 100 because you'll see dimensions of the song that I can't possibly appreciate, given your depth and my relative superficiality. But for me, it's about 30, and then I'm done.

• 49:58Jay Shetty?

  That's amazing. That is such a No, but you know, that's brilliant. I love that. That is the most interesting, unique piece of advice that I think, you know, that that's going to help so many people who I can imagine everyone now talking to their partner or their friend today going, I turn that song off right now.

• 50:14Speaker 01

  You need to save it.

• 50:15Jay Shetty?

  I'm only using it for those painful moments in life. That's genius. I love that. And and that's a Maya Shankar original special. I love that. It's brilliant.

• 50:26Jay Shetty?

  Tell us a bit about what you're doing on a day to day basis. I find like, you know, you have this role at Google and you're studying human behavior on a day to day basis. I find there's two questions here. The first question is, tell me what you do on a day to day basis. What's fascinating about it because I have no idea what you do on a day to day basis. The more the more interesting question for you probably will be the second one, which is, what is an area that you think behavioral economists haven't really uncovered or understood yet? Because so when I've read books about behavioral science or behavioral economists, it's been about the relationship between money and human behavior, the relationships between everything from lying and stealing in human behavior through to, you know, about the different character traits

• 51:09Jay Shetty?

  or the idea of giving and service and human behavior. But I'm wondering, what's an area that you're fascinated to uncover and you think we're just scratching the surface on? We don't actually know a lot about.

• 51:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, I love that question. I think one area, and this is actually something I was also talking about with Katie Milkman, is how durable some of these behavioral change insights are.

• 51:30Jay Shetty?

  Yes, such a good question.

• 51:31Speaker 01

  It's so hard because behavior change, that's a one time thing. Like the decision to sign up for retirement or get your COVID vaccine or remember to call your mom on her birthday. That's a maybe a once a year type of commitment or maybe a once in a lifetime type of commitment. And then you're done. And from a public policy perspective, we become excellent at this. So I remember when I was working in the Obama White House, I was able to work on a lot of these nudges where you shift just one thing and then the person's life potentially is changed forever. So I talked to you about the school lunch program, right? You make that one change and now millions of kids are getting lunch at school every day. Or I worked with military service members in order to.

• 52:14Speaker 01

  Help them get enrolled in retirement savings plans. And again, that's like a one time decision and then they're done. The ones that are much harder are the day to day behaviors, where we have to build these habits over time and sustain those habits over time. And we just haven't cracked the nut fully on how to encourage long term behavior change on the things we value most. And that's because we're human, Jay, right? We're fallible. We fall prey to temptation left and right. I mean, it's just very, very hard to be a highly disciplined, disciplined person, right? That's probably one of the reasons why you recommend everyone that they meditate, because that can help with sustained behavior change.

• 52:56Speaker 01

  But it would be wonderful to see additional innovations within that space.

• 53:01Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I love hearing you say that because I've found that, at least through my own mechanisms and work, I've kind of found like a trifecta that gets closest. And the challenge is that a lot of behavioral changes, you said, is not around anything that is consistent. And so for the three levers that I've found that at least in my work that that really do help people are coaching, consistency and community that have a massive impact on people. And we built a program three years ago now that was centered around these three areas. And through our research and studies, we've been able to see how people have become happier, more successful, more financially free through the program.

• 53:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:40Jay Shetty?

  And of course, we're dealing with, we're dealing with thousands of people, not millions of people in that program. But it's, it's phenomenal to see how those three things together, coaching, consistency and community are so powerful. Like coaching gives you that insight and advice. Consistency is the one I think is ignored in, in everything. It's like, like you said, you do that one nudge and that doesn't create a cascading, life-changing effect. And so that consistency of weekly check-ins. And then finally, the community aspect of having a group of people that you're doing it with has been so powerful. But yeah, tell me what you're doing on a day to day basis and what you're discovering and learning.

• 54:17Speaker 01

  I think the consistency piece that you just mentioned is really interesting. And there is one potentially powerful antidote for this that comes out of behavioral economics research. And that's called the fresh start effect. And it's the idea that when we have these really big life changes, these big milestones, like we move to another town, or we buy a home for the first time, or we get married, or we have kids, or we take a new job. Those moments in time can serve as breaks from our past and all the habits that we used to have. In many ways, we can take on a new identity in this new role. And what research shows is that people are far more effective at introducing

• 54:59Speaker 01

  a new kind of consistency or sustained behavior change when their surroundings are physically different. They don't have some of the same cues and reminders every day that might inspire them to, you know, eat the chocolate cake versus the fruit salad. And their commute to work is different. So now maybe they're going to walk versus take their car. And so I do believe in the power of fresh starts. And you don't necessarily have to wait for a major milestone. Sundays can serve as fresh starts, like certainly January 1st can serve as a fresh start.

• 55:28Jay Shetty?

  Every Monday is a fresh start for me. I'm one of those people that's like...

• 55:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, me too. There's just too many damn Mondays.

• 55:33Jay Shetty?

  I'm just waiting for a new day.

• 55:35Speaker 01

  Exactly. But we found, for example, that military service members, again, this is work I was doing in the Obama White House, were more likely to sign up for a retirement savings plan on the first day of spring, when they were reminded that it was a new beginning and a new start to their, to their future lives. And so I really do believe that if, if your listeners are struggling with that kind of consistency and are looking to build a new set of habits that better align with their long-term goals, look out for that, those moments in your life where you're breaking from the past and you can reestablish yourself. And the kinds of behaviors that you aspire to associate yourself with can be more present.

• 56:10Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I couldn't agree more. I think I've always used a new job or moving to a new town or joining a new group as being an opportunity to redefine my identity in that space of who I want to be. So I got introduced to spirituality like just on the cusp of leaving high school and going to college. And so college is where I got to redefine who I was. Whereas at high school, I was a rebel and a troublemaker and all the rest of it. And then all of a sudden I went to college and I was like the kid who meditated and, and everything else. And it was so great for me because I was no longer... Held down by that baggage of the identity I had crafted for myself, where people expected me to be a certain way. And then, of course, after leaving being a monk and coming back into the world,

• 56:55Jay Shetty?

  it was easier to always come back and be like, oh, I don't go to that, or I don't drink, or I don't do this, because I'd had this life experience. Whereas if I would have joined the corporate world before, maybe I would have had a very different experience. So I completely can relate to so much of that advice.

• 57:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, I love seeing this insight play out in your life. I'm wondering, you know, when you went to college, was it a really intentional action to change? Like, were you seizing that moment?

• 57:20Jay Shetty?

  It was, it was, because I think I'd created such a role that I played at high school, where I was, like I said, the rebel, the troublemaker, the person who was a funny drunk. Like, I just had a role that I'd created. It was a role, it wasn't me. It was just a identity that I enjoyed being.

• 57:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 57:37Jay Shetty?

  Because people enjoyed that version of me. And none of my, and I took a gap year before I went to college, which was great, because all my friends went off to their respective colleges and lived their first year lives and all the rest of it. And I went to a college where none of my school friends went. And so I had a complete blank slate where no one knew who I was, and there was no history. And I could completely reframe who I wanted to become. And so I ran a philosophical society every week at college, and I meditated, and everyone would come to me to learn these skills and techniques. I was learning from monks. And it was almost like I could be the person I wanted to be. And I think that helped so much.

• 58:15Speaker 01

  You know, this reminds me of another insight from behavioral economics. It's called identity priming. And it refers to the fact that our behaviors often align with the identities, the social identities, that we either associate ourselves with now or aspire to associate ourselves with. And I think your experience underscores the importance of, especially when you're young, not allowing people to give you labels. Because the moment you're given a label, the rebel, the funny drunk, whatever it is, you feel some degree of pressure to assimilate to that or to ensure that your behaviors are aligning with that identity day to day. In part, it's just to reduce cognitive dissonance within yourself, right? You want to believe that your identity means something and that you're living it out every day.

• 59:01Speaker 01

  And you know, this was true in when I was talking with Daryl Davis, who says, you know, it's sometimes it's important to label behaviors as racist versus people as racist. If you feel like they're redeemable, that they can change. Because if you give people a label, they will carry that with them. And it might not facilitate the same kind of change. And I remember when I was working with the reentry population while at the White House, we were designing guides for people who were leaving prison. And you know, the transition back to civilian life can be a very challenging one, but it's also a fresh start in which we want people to tap into their best selves and reach their goals. And we were very careful in this guidebook, this transition book,

• 59:42Speaker 01

  to not refer to people as former convicts or ex convicts or ex prisoners. Instead, we called, we made sure that the the labels we were using were community members, job seekers. Those kinds of labels are forward looking, can allow people to use those identities. So yeah, it's just your your personal experience transitioning from high school to college allows me to see how important it is that we just, we don't let others label us. And we also don't label ourselves, you know?

• 1:00:09Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, and I love that. I love that how simple, even when you were describing that, just hearing those words changes how you view that person, even for the new people that are going to get to meet them. This episode is brought to you by Whole Foods Market. If you're talking about quality food, you can't forget Whole Foods Market, who've been holding themselves to the highest standards since they opened in 1980. That means you'll see thousands of organic products across their stores, from the produce department to the aisles. It also means you'll never see certain ingredients. They've banned artificial sweeteners and colors, high fructose corn syrup and more, so you can shop with peace of mind. Shop Whole Foods Market in store or online. This episode is brought to you by Wayfair.

• 1:00:54Jay Shetty?

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• 1:01:37Jay Shetty?

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• 1:02:21Jay Shetty?

  Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state. And I think so many of us are carrying around old labels and old baggage and old identities that we don't want to be anymore. I think I meet so many people who are like, "I don't want to be this person anymore, but all my friends think I'm this person." And so I love the idea of, you know, at least starting to test who we want to be in new phases of our life and new places of our life. You've mentioned the podcast throughout the conversation, these amazing conversations that you're having. Tell me about why you decided. To start a podcast and why you called it A Slight Change of Plans. Because I love the title, but I want to know the reason for why you did that.

• 1:03:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think it was in part inspired by my personal experience with change. You know, losing the violin at a young age and asking myself all these existential questions about identity. It's in part inspired by my role as a cognitive scientist, right? Someone who studies the mind and I was eager to marry, you know, these two, the narrative storytelling part of my life with the cognitive science part of my life. But the catalyst for this happened in 2020 and I was feeling really overwhelmed by the pace of change that was happening around me and I know everybody was. It was this collective moment in the world where we all so acutely felt a loss of control.

• 1:03:45Speaker 01

  We realized how much of an illusion control is and it was easy to feel intimidated. That would be the best word I could use to describe my state of mind. As someone who loves planning and likes knowing how things are going to end out and then also seeing all the tragedy around me and the racial upheaval. Like it was just, it was just a hard, a very, very hard time. And then I tried to put on my cognitive science hat. And what I realized is while the specifics of what 2020 threw our way wasn't, was absolutely unprecedented, our human ability to navigate change is not. In many ways, our minds are built for change.

• 1:04:25Speaker 01

  And that's really important for us to recognize because as, you know, as a human civilization, we've done this rodeo many times before, this change thing. But there's no textbook out there with answers. It's not like in the throes of a huge life change, you can go to your textbook and open it up to page 90 and be like, oh, yes, here's the path that I should take. And so I thought to myself, Why don't I try to find people who have been through extraordinary change in their lives, right? People like Tiffany Haddish and Hillary Clinton and Kacey Musgraves and Tommy Caldwell and then just a bunch of people I've either heard about or met in my personal

• 1:05:04Speaker 01

  life and hear their reflections and try to mine their stories for insights and lessons that we as listeners can take back into our own lives that might help us think differently about change in our own lives. And it has been an absolute joy to make this podcast. I mean, I've never felt more closely aligned with something, given who I am. Remember, I told you about the basement of that FMRI lab? The podcast is the opposite. That is actually the thing that I just, I mean, I've fallen in love with it. And I think the reason is that you can meet people with two very similar sounding stories, but how they define their change moment will be radically different. The lessons that they learn will be radically

• 1:05:48Speaker 01

  different. And so I feel like, I mean, this, talk about eating a slice of humble pie. I have been so humbled doing this podcast because my guests have taught me so much about change that I never would have appreciated absent listening to their stories. And it's been wonderful to go on this expedition with them about how it is people have navigated some of the toughest changes that you can imagine in life.

• 1:06:12Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, no, absolutely. Living, living or not living, who'd be someone that you are fascinated about the amount of changes in their life for, or those transitions in their life?

• 1:06:21Speaker 01

  I mean, there's always Oprah, but that's the obvious one. You know, what's interesting, Jay, is that when you meet someone, you don't always appreciate the full depth of their life stories. I'll give you one example. One of the people that I interviewed for this podcast, his name is Scott. He's just a friend and colleague of my husband's. I'd had dinner with him once back in 2019. And he is a self-proclaimed health nut. So he sounds like you and Ravi now, right? So he's vegan, he does intermittent fasting, he does high intensity interval training, he adds turmeric and chia seeds to like his food whenever possible. Now, look, we're both Indians, so we know that turmeric is a delicate spice. You do not pour it on anything. But this guy is adding turmeric to his food. So if it's in

• 1:07:03Speaker 01

  a book somewhere saying that something's healthy, he's done it. And then in 2020, Scott Got a stage four bone cancer diagnosis. And within weeks, he had to get his right leg amputated. He had to pack up his bags, move to MD Anderson in Texas, do 18 administrations of chemotherapy. He also had to get a vertebra removed from his spine. And I think his tibia was removed from his other leg. Scott's worst nightmare came true. He, he had literally spent his entire adult life trying to avoid this outcome. Now I talked to him and I'm interviewing him for, for this podcast.

• 1:07:46Speaker 01

  And he's telling me he's in the throes of it all when I'm interviewing him. He actually just finished up his treatment yesterday. He says to me, you know, Maya, my worst nightmare came true, but I'm sitting here in my backyard, sipping a cup of coffee and I'm realizing the emotional thermostat has prevailed. I am more or less as happy as I was before the diagnosis. Sure, the bad moments are worse. I'll give you that nausea is intense. The pain is terrible. I have moments of fear, but the good moments are just as good. And he said, if I had known that I would respond this way psychologically,

• 1:08:28Speaker 01

  I would never have been as fearful of cancer as I had been in the first place. That's so stirring to me. And those are the kinds of insights that I carry with me, you know, because they give me hope and they make me understand just how resilient we are as people. Not everybody has Scott's story, you know? I'm not sure I would respond in that way, but he didn't think that he would respond in that way. And so I love it when a guy I just had dinner once, you know, I could have this kind of conversation with, and he teaches me, he gives me so much wisdom. And another thing he shared with me is he said, you know, I put so much emphasis. My identity was so intricately entwined with my fitness up until this point.

• 1:09:12Speaker 01

  Like I was smart, fit Scott, like those are the two labels, you know? He's like a Harvard grad and all that stuff. And he said, this whole experience is allowing me to see that maybe these traits that I saw so core to my identity are more negotiable than I thought. He used the word negotiable and I love that. He goes, yeah, maybe I can't do a handstand, but like I'm still Scott at the end of the day. And The final lesson that I learned, well, I learned so many lessons. One of the final lessons I learned from Scott's interview was, he said, you know, I would be ashamed if my body deteriorated and my personality also got worse. So I'm going to use this to become a better person. And to me, that was a testament to the fact that this is a trait I see across all my guests is

• 1:09:57Speaker 01

  we are natural storytellers in our hearts. You know, no matter what your spiritual or non-spiritual beliefs, it is just human nature to try to find meaning in silver linings, in adversity and change, to almost justify the randomness of it all. And hearing Scott be so intentional about that growth and saying, "Look, I need to just make the best of it." I love that, and I think that's such a powerful story. So maybe, maybe to your earlier question, I think my dream guest is someone who just teaches me something new, helps me see the world through a different vantage point. You know, they don't have to be someone I've already heard of. I just love seeing the world through different lenses.

• 1:10:38Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, absolutely. I think that's a beautiful answer, and I'm so glad you shared that journey. I just, on Saturday, I got the news that my best friend, who was my, almost like my brother, who was a monk, he just passed away after suffering with colon cancer for four years, but it had spread far beyond his colon. It was everywhere.

• 1:10:58Speaker 01

  I'm so sorry to hear that.

• 1:10:58Jay Shetty?

  And so he like, I don't know how many cycles of chemo he had, like 30 or something like that. And it was just, every time they'd feel it's gone away, it had gone somewhere else. And I got to speak to him on the phone about three days before he passed away, and I didn't know, obviously, you never know.

• 1:11:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:11:16Jay Shetty?

  And I got a message from one of the senior monks who was with him and said, "Oh, we're just talking about you, we're thinking about you." And so I called him straight away, and it was like, he'd gone to London for his treatment, it was like 11:40 PM in London and 3:40 PM here. So I called him up, and I got to be on FaceTime with him. And he was like, completely emaciated, like hunched over, but he was smiling, like he just had this massive smile on his face. And he was like that throughout his whole cancer journey. And I could tell that this was the worst I'd ever seen him because, up until every time I'd seen him, because he was taking treatment, he looked normal, as in, not normal, that's the wrong word, but he looked his usual self. This was the first time I'd seen him completely, you know, emaciated and in bed.

• 1:12:01Jay Shetty?

  And he was just smiling away and we were joking around and we were both telling each other stories and memories and he'd lost his voice, he could only like really whisper. And the senior monk knows us both, so he was kind of helping speak for him and translate for him and add for him. And it was just remarkable to me to see someone at the end of their life be so blissful. And all I could see was bliss that when I spoke at his memorial yesterday, it was the most blissful memorial I've ever, I was on Zoom, of course, everyone was there in person in England, but it was the most blissful memorial I've ever been to because that was him. And, and that's from what you're saying about Scott, it sounds like a very similar energy of how to deal with this. And you know, while he

• 1:12:44Jay Shetty?

  was at cancer, he was, uh, he was leading charity initiatives to raise funds for cancer, raise awareness for cancer. He was organizing meditation retreats for cancer patients that were struggling with him so that they could all grow together because that's what he was doing. So he was extending his practices out to them.

• 1:12:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:13:00Jay Shetty?

  And he just lived with so much purpose in the last four years and so much service in the last four years. And yeah, that kind of mind is just unbelievable and phenomenal. Like you said, he's not famous. He doesn't have followers. No one knows who he is.

• 1:13:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:13:13Jay Shetty?

  He's not having impacts on millions of people's lives, but everyone who knew him would say that he changed their life.

• 1:13:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, what an honor to have been Scott's best friend.

• 1:13:23Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I was very lucky to, you know, he was kind enough to be, be my best bud for a few years. But anyway, when you talk about Scott, I love that answer because I think it's so true that there are just so many people in the world who are going through enormously difficult things and, and hearing their stories gives us so much faith.

• 1:13:42Speaker 01

  Yeah. And in part, I, I almost see my responsibility as uncovering the hidden stories. Um, there's one, there's one interview I did just, just recently. Um, it was with a guy named Morgan. He, he was assigned female at birth and he went through hormone therapy to align his body with his true gender identity, which is male. And

• 1:14:07Speaker 01

  For a while, Morgan is feeling intoxicated by the joy and liberation that comes from being freed from his female body. He's a black man, and he said his joy was punctured when he was confronted with the harsh reality of what it means to be a black man in society. And his first confrontation with this was literally being pulled over by the police in his grandmother's driveway. And it's an incredibly insightful, thought-provoking set of reflections from Morgan because not only does he share what it means to have gone through this transition and embrace himself,

• 1:14:52Speaker 01

  but he ends up joining the force. He ends up becoming a police officer and with the goal to reform it. And again, those are the kinds of stories that I live for, you know? And I want to hear them because I feel like, you know, we talked earlier about how being a cognitive scientist to me is like the greatest empathy builder. Well, if you marry the science with storytelling, it's an unbeatable combo in terms of empathy building and just understanding the full range of human experience. And yeah, I guess you can probably see it in my face. People can't see it, but I just am obsessed with having these interviews because

• 1:15:32Speaker 01

  I do feel like every single one I learn, it's not even that I learn something new. I learn a new way of interpreting the world around me. It's a perspective shift. And that's, I'm sure you find that when you interview different people, is it changes the perspective with which you look at the world. And that's an incredible gift to be given.

• 1:15:51Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, and it's totally unpredictable. Like when we started this conversation, I felt different to when I first read about you. And it's different to when now we're coming to the end of our conversation. It's like, we can have so many perceptions about someone and what we expect to learn from them.

• 1:16:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:16:08Jay Shetty?

  And I can honestly say that, sitting with you for the past hour, this has been a totally unexpected conversation, in a good way. And I'm like, I think that's the power of getting to listen to stories and listening to people and getting to meet people that you'd never meet before or otherwise. Because I think we're so good at, and I guess that's where behavioral science is so interesting, because we do have to box people to make sense of stuff, but then we need to unbox them to actually make sense of them.

• 1:16:34Speaker 01

  Well said.

• 1:16:36Jay Shetty?

  It's a weird paradox, right? Like, we almost put people into categories so that we can make decisions.

• 1:16:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:16:41Jay Shetty?

  But then, we need to get them out of those to really deeply understand them. And so, you know, I wasn't expecting that our conversation would go down the journey that it has. But that's what's so beautiful about it.

• 1:16:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:16:52Jay Shetty?

  And so, yeah, I wanna, I wanna thank you for, you know, doing your podcast. For those of you who haven't listened to it, go and check out A Slight Change of Plans. It's, it's beautiful to hear these stories that you have even been sharing with us on the podcast. And I can't wait for my audience to actually go and listen to some of these conversations. I know I'm gonna do that. Because it sounds like you're just speaking to some people who, and in a way that, you know, is gonna be really insightful for people's change and growth, but also for their heart. And I think that's what I love. I, you're, what I love about you from the little time that we've spent together is that it feels like you bring a lot of heart to science. And that's rare. Like, it's, it's very rare.

• 1:17:32Jay Shetty?

  I feel like you, you're bringing your heart into how to help people change how they think. And so, you know, storytelling is one thing, but heartfelt storytelling is, is even a deeper step. So, thank you for doing that.

• 1:17:45Speaker 01

  That's so kind and generous of you to say, and such a compliment, too.

• 1:17:49Jay Shetty?

  I mean it.

• 1:17:49Speaker 01

  Because my hope is that I really can marry, you know, um, science and humanity, I guess, right? I mean, they're obviously really interconnected, but, um, that has been my goal with A Slight Change of Plans, and it's kind of been my goal living. You know, it's like, how do I bring my heart to as many things as I possibly can? So, um, it was such a pleasure to get to talk with you, Jay. I'm such a huge fan of your show, and I'm just, I'm just so grateful for the opportunity. So, thank you.

• 1:18:15Jay Shetty?

  Well, thank you, Maya. Well, we're not done yet. We end every interview, the final five.

• 1:18:19Speaker 01

  Oh, awesome.

• 1:18:19Jay Shetty?

  So, this is the fast five round, where every question has to be answered in one word or one sentence maximum. A sentence, I believe, or at least I've made this up, is seven words maximum. So I don't know if that's real or not, but seven to 10 words maximum. So this is your fast five, Maya.

• 1:18:34Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:18:35Jay Shetty?

  Your first question is, what is the best advice you've ever received?

• 1:18:40Speaker 01

  Find amazing mentors.

• 1:18:42Jay Shetty?

  Great, I love that. That's a good one. And you shared so many wonderful examples of mentors that you've had in your life.

• 1:18:47Speaker 01

  Absolutely.

• 1:18:48Jay Shetty?

  And the amazing impact they've had on you. I'm gonna, I'm gonna destroy my rules here, but it's important to do that.

• 1:18:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:18:54Jay Shetty?

  How do people find good mentors? Teach us that because, you know, I have my own thoughts on this and I share that a lot with my audience, but I'd love to hear your perspective on how people can find good mentors.

• 1:19:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's a good question. I've never done it intentionally. I've always slipped into the mentee role, almost without realizing it. But my mentors have played a profound role in my life. And the way that it happened, in case this is helpful to folks, is I'm always searching for people that I admire and whose life I would love to lead.

• 1:19:28Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 1:19:28Speaker 01

  You know, and, and who's, who bring that kind of heart to things. Because that's something that speaks to me personally, for me, Maya, right? And then when I find those people, like Laurie Santos, um, I just, I cling to them. You know, I, I, I say, oh, Laurie, like, you know, addition to you mentoring me, can I work in your lab? Can we get coffee? Can you actually be my lifelong friend? You know, and, and I think, um, as I've gotten older, one way to do that more effectively is, I've just always, I mean, everyone has different philosophies on this, but I've always learned, I've always blurred the line between colleague and friend.

• 1:20:08Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:09Speaker 01

  And it's irresistible for me. I, I can't not bring that really personal side of myself to my work, no matter what it is that I'm working on. It's funny, there was a quick anecdote, just sorry, from, from my time in Obama's White House. So the government had just shut down and there were all these ethics rules about the fact that... We couldn't hang out in our quote professional capacity. We could only hang out in our personal capacity because otherwise we'd be violating federal rules. But we were just planning, we were, you know, we were all very friendly and we just wanted to hang out as friends. So I was joking with folks, I was like, ah, I can't wait for all of you guys to see me in my personal capacity. And, you know, one of my friends, Bass, is like, oh, Maya, you're exactly the same.

• 1:20:49Speaker 01

  And then another one of my friends goes, we're still waiting to see Maya in her professional capacity. So I think that says everything, which is I, I blur that line and I think what ends up happening is I just like naturally ended becoming friends with the people I admire. And then I find that they can be, that they have been just wonderful mentors. But it's always been, I know this might be unsatisfying for listeners to be like, oh, why did it have to be an organic process for you, Maya? I want the like one, two, three checklist. But I think that's kind of the only way for it to feel genuine. You know, you really want to be friends with them because you're genuinely curious about the way they think and the way that they live.

• 1:21:25Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I, I love that. And I, and I love that that's your authentic, genuine way that it's happened. That's, that's beautiful. I think one of the most amazing things for me is that I genuinely believe you can be mentored by people you've never met. And so I've spent my life studying the lives, the words, the teachings of so many people that I admire that are no longer alive. And simply sitting with their biographies and their autobiographies and listening to every interview and watching every TV show they went on or whatever they did, just looking at the records of their life. There's often times where I'll sit there and be like, well, what would that person do? There is an answer, it's somewhere there. And, and I've loved that because I would have loved to have been mentored by Martin Luther King or Steve Jobs or some of these people that I never got to meet.

• 1:22:09Jay Shetty?

  And I can be mentored by the people that met them, or I can be mentored by them through their own lives if I studied them deeply enough. And of course, I agree with you that I'd say any mentors that I've had in reality have not been calculated. Decisions, it's, I agree with you, it's always been very natural, so.

• 1:22:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:22:28Jay Shetty?

  I love that. I was, you actually reminded me of something, I'm totally going off here.

• 1:22:31Speaker 01

  No, this is so much fun.

• 1:22:32Jay Shetty?

  Your fast five has changed. You reminded me of something, you asked me that question about what trait has changed? And you said something there that actually triggered something, you said, asking people to be my lifelong friends. So, I've, I've always been very much wore my heart on my sleeve kind of person. I've always been that way because my mom raised me that way and I always was honest with people. And often you were, you know, often when you're like that as a teenager, it's not a strength. It's seen as a weakness, like you're weird or you're strange or you're, you're needy or you're desperate or whatever it may be. And I never let go of it because I realized I would rather say what I really want to say to someone and then let it be whatever the result is.

• 1:23:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:23:11Jay Shetty?

  Versus not tell them the truth and then realize we could have been best friends. And so, till this day, I've, I've got some of my closest friends in my life who, when I got to know them, the first thing I said to them was like, I really want to be friends with you. As a, as a thirty year old man.

• 1:23:27Speaker 01

  Oh my gosh, I love that we're bonding. I do the same thing. I think it takes people aback that. I'm like, look, I may as well just be straightforward. You can say no.

• 1:23:34Jay Shetty?

  Totally, totally.

• 1:23:36Speaker 01

  I do this all the time.

• 1:23:36Jay Shetty?

  And I'm so okay with someone saying no. And actually, I feel like I'm getting a much more honest take on like whether this is going anywhere. And now I'm not living in the woulda, coulda, shoulda, whatever. I'm living in, okay, well, it didn't work and that's cool.

• 1:23:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:23:49Jay Shetty?

  And, and I'm so much more happier with that sense of closure and now we're talking about relationships. But it's like, I'm so much happier with having honest, transparent conversations rather than this idea in my head that. So anyway, you, that was the trait, I think, that I've learned to really see as a strength and, and not see as a weakness and, you know, so.

• 1:24:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think I have something very similar, which is I used to see my openness maybe as weakness or something like that. Because I am so open with the people in my life that I love, even about just my affections for them, right? Like I'll probably be writing you like a long email after this being like, Jay, you're so amazing. And it's all heartfelt and I sometimes felt like, wow, you're so open.

• 1:24:33Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 1:24:33Speaker 01

  And it was, it was so interesting. I was at a wedding this weekend and. I was talking with one of my cousins. She was like, wow, Maya, you really ask these like deep questions of people. And my sister-in-law weighed in and she said, but Maya always gives you her full self in return.

• 1:24:49Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 1:24:50Speaker 01

  She gives you that depth back. And I thought that was such a lovely thing to say because I do feel like in reinterpreting that openness as a weakness, I've seen it as, well, actually, it's amazing to be able to share so much of yourself with someone else and hope that they can return that. In whatever capacity they're comfortable sharing themselves.

• 1:25:07Jay Shetty?

  Totally, totally. I love that. I'm gonna make that now, the second question I ask you. What's the, what do you think is a wonderful question to ask someone to evoke a connection and create a relationship with someone? If you had your favorite question to ask in an interview, or your favorite question to learn about someone. We're on the second question. So yeah, you can, you can, you can.

• 1:25:28Speaker 01

  Seven words. Okay. What have you changed your mind about?

• 1:25:32Jay Shetty?

  Oh, I love that.

• 1:25:32Speaker 01

  And then if I had nine words, I think that was seven. I'm not sure. And why?

• 1:25:36Jay Shetty?

  Okay, beautiful. All right. Third question. What have you changed your mind about and why?

• 1:25:40Speaker 01

  Sounds a little bit meta, but it's totally true. I've changed my mind about why it is people believe the things they do. And that's been in studying the science of why it is that people believe the things they do. And I've always felt, hits on some of the themes we talked about earlier, that if we can fully understand why, then we can generate the how. How do we change their minds, given that, if we think it's important for them to change their minds?

• 1:26:09Jay Shetty?

  And what is the why usually? Where's, where's that come? Where do you think you see the patterns of why people think the way they do? If there are any at all?

• 1:26:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think it relates a lot to the Daryl Davis story. And it relates a lot to what I was sharing about tribal membership, which is,

• 1:26:27Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 1:26:27Speaker 01

  at the end of the day, I think. One of our most primal human instincts is we want to feel like we belong to something that's bigger than ourselves, to a community, a group, something that validates us and where we feel an implicit sense that values are shared.

• 1:26:43Jay Shetty?

  Yes.

• 1:26:43Speaker 01

  That there's commonality.

• 1:26:44Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 1:26:45Speaker 01

  And understanding that, I mean, it sounds so simple. Oh, of course, some of my beliefs would be informed by my group membership, but if you really think about it, that does run counter to a lot of people's intuition about how it is that we generate our beliefs. And so I feel like, once you understand that, that it's this human desire to belong, you can then tailor make better solutions that don't feel aggressive or confrontational or threatening in any way.

• 1:27:16Jay Shetty?

  I love that. Beautiful. All right, question number four. What's the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do before you go to bed?

• 1:27:23Speaker 01

  Brush my teeth. So boring, but I do.

• 1:27:27Jay Shetty?

  Totally fine. It's needed.

• 1:27:29Speaker 01

  It is needed.

• 1:27:30Jay Shetty?

  You only brush your teeth.

• 1:27:31Speaker 01

  Huge fan of, you know, hygiene.

• 1:27:32Jay Shetty?

  Yeah. You have great teeth.

• 1:27:34Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 1:27:35Jay Shetty?

  So you brush your teeth, yeah.

• 1:27:38Speaker 01

  You know, it's usually, it's usually eating a snack.

• 1:27:41Jay Shetty?

  Before bed?

• 1:27:42Speaker 01

  Before I go to bed, which is, I mean, you'll probably tell me it's a terrible health behavior.

• 1:27:45Jay Shetty?

  Bad for your teeth.

• 1:27:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:27:47Jay Shetty?

  What would be the snack? I'm intrigued now.

• 1:27:49Speaker 01

  I try to make it healthy. It's just, gosh, I was telling, I was telling my friend Madeline all the way over, like, I get, I would, I wouldn't call it hanger. I'd say I get heritable, if I can make that up.

• 1:28:02Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, you just made it up.

• 1:28:03Speaker 01

  I get, I get heritable. And no one likes me when I'm heritable. I don't like me when I'm heritable. So I just feel like I just need something to take a little bit of the hunger edge off.

• 1:28:12Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 1:28:13Speaker 01

  So I'll have some sort of evening snack sometimes.

• 1:28:15Jay Shetty?

  I like, I'm, I'm very heritable as well, and so is my wife, and we know when we're heritable for sure.

• 1:28:21Speaker 01

  I know. I just need to eat a bigger dinner. That's the key. I know I'm not supposed to eat right before bedtime, but I definitely can't fall asleep when I'm hungry. That's very hard for me.

• 1:28:29Jay Shetty?

  That makes sense. That definitely makes sense. All right, fifth and final question, and seeing as you've worked in public policy, I think this will be fun.

• 1:28:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:28:37Jay Shetty?

  If you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be?

• 1:28:42Speaker 01

  Smile at everyone you see on the street.

• 1:28:45Jay Shetty?

  That's beautiful.

• 1:28:45Speaker 01

  There is a lot of research showing how these small moments that strangers share can have profound impacts on well-being and happiness and a feeling of connectedness. And whether or not I'm having a good day, I make a self-commitment to smile at everybody that I see when I'm just taking a walk, acknowledge them in some way or another. And it's been hard with COVID and masks and whatnot, but those moments brighten my day. I hope they brighten the people that I'm smiling at. And yeah, I just think, I think the world would be a much happier place if we could all find it within ourselves to just, to just do that small thing.

• 1:29:26Jay Shetty?

  I love that. That's beautiful. Thank you so much. That's such a great answer. Everyone, Maya Shankar, please, please, please go and listen to her podcast. We will put the link in the description below and the comments. Maya, it's been such a joy sitting with you. Honestly, I could talk to you for hours and hours. And I really do hope we get to spend a lot more time together.

• 1:29:44Speaker 01

  Me too. Thank you so much, Jay.

• 1:29:45Jay Shetty?

  It's been, it's been such a wonderful connection. I totally, this conversation has gone in so many new, different directions that I know we haven't even started uncovering. But I'm really, really excited to get to know you more and excited for my audience to connect with you more as well. So, thank you so much. And everyone who's been listening or watching, wherever you are, make sure that you tag us both on Instagram to let us know your biggest insights, takeaways, any of the stories or studies that stood out to you. And please, please, please leave a review as well. And let me know that you heard this podcast specifically and how it moved you. Thank you so much, everyone, for listening and watching. Maya, thank you so much for sharing so wonderfully.

• 1:30:22Speaker 01

  Thanks so much for having me, Jay. I appreciate your time and I appreciate you. So, thank you.

• 1:30:27Jay Shetty?

  You so much.

• 1:30:37Speaker 02

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• 1:31:56Speaker 05

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