How to Deal with Difficult People Without Losing Yourself

You have that one person in your life. You know exactly who I am talking about. The one who knows how to pull you in every single time. And every time they do, you end up in a conversation you regret, feeling emotions you did not choose, acting like a version of yourself you do not even recognize. I have been there more times than I want to admit. And this episode is about how we stop doing that. I brought in Jefferson Fisher, one of the most practical communication minds I have come across in a long time. He is not going to give you philosophy. He is going to give you the exact words to use when someone is being passive aggressive, when the conversation is going sideways, when you feel yourself being pushed around. Real phrases. Real situations. Stuff you can use today. Charles Duhigg comes in and breaks down why communication is one of the most underrated skills in your life and your business, and what the science actually says about how to do it better. Emmanuel Acho challenges you to stop avoiding the hard conversations, because real connection only ever lives on the other side of honesty. And Chuck Weisner teaches the art of listening so well that people will feel more understood by you than they have ever felt before. Then I close it out with something that has been on my mind for a long time. Emotional maturity. The invisible choice you are making every single time you let someone else drag you into their world. I call it living in someone else's house. And once you hear it that way, I promise you, you will never look at your most difficult relationships the same way again. Here is what you are going to take away from this one: Your Emotional Home: Why choosing to enter someone else's emotional chaos is always your decision, not theirs, and how to stop making that choice The Race to the Bottom: Why getting angrier, meaner, or more reactive with difficult people is the one move that guarantees you lose every single time Jefferson Fisher's Exact Phrases: The specific words to use in real time when someone is being passive aggressive, disrespectful, or trying to dominate the conversation What Did You Hear: The single most powerful question you can ask in any argument to immediately bring the temperature down and make the other person feel understood The Uncomfortable Conversation: Why Emmanuel Acho believes the conversations you keep avoiding are the exact ones that will finally set you free The Art of Listening: The match and mirror method and why the people who listen best are almost always the most liked and the most influential people in any room The most intelligent version of you is also the calmest version of you. This episode is going to help you get there. ⁠👉 SUBSCRIBE TO ED'S YOUTUBE CHANNEL NOW 👈⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ → → → CONNECT WITH ED MYLETT ON SOCIAL MEDIA: ← ← ← ➡️ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠INSTAGRAM⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ➡️⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠FACEBOOK⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ➡️ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠LINKEDIN⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ➡️ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠X ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ➡️ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠WEBSITE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Ed Mylett?

  I hear so many small business owners say the exact same thing. They just never have enough time in the day. Well, I measure time differently. I've compressed, condensed, heck, I've bent time. My first day is 6:00 a.m. to noon. My second day starts at noon and goes till 6:00 P.M. And my third day, 6:00 P.M. to midnight. I now get 21 days a week. Stack that up over a month, over a year, over five years, and my life's completely different than it would have been otherwise. And if you want to win as an entrepreneur, you have to compress your time, too. And you definitely can't afford to waste it. Waiting weeks on a big bank for capital? Your best bet's to work with my friends at Cardiff. They know how to compress time for entrepreneurs. They get your business approved in minutes and funded the very same day. They're America's favorite small business lender, and for good reason.

• 0:45Ed Mylett?

  Over 20 years in business, over $12 billion deployed to small business across America. Stop letting bank delays slow down your momentum. Head to cardiff.co/ed. That's cardiff.co/ed. Cardiff.co. Real growth, fast funding. Cardiff, borrow better.

• 1:03Speaker 01

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• 1:36Ed Mylett?

  This is the Ed Mylett Show.

• 1:40Ed Mylett?

  Hey, everyone. Welcome to my weekend special. I hope you enjoy the show. Be sure to follow the Ed Mylett Show on Apple and Spotify. Links are in the show notes. You'll never miss an episode that way. Now on with the show. All right, welcome back to the show, everybody. So I'm really excited about this week's episode. As you know, I don't post very often on social media anymore, but if you're not following me on Instagram, make sure you go ahead and do that. I did make a post a few weeks ago on my Instagram story about emotional maturity and how to deal with people that, for lack of a better term, get you All wound up, they get you angry or hurt, or they just create angst in your life. You probably have somebody like that in your life. They push your buttons. And maybe that person's very close to you, maybe really close to you. And so we're going to talk about that today, you know?

• 2:25Ed Mylett?

  Life is supposed to be a joyous experience, at least most of the time. And you got to really evaluate your emotional maturity and how you deal with people that are emotionally immature. Which I believe is a sign of weakness in people, hurt people, angry people. And we're going to talk about this today. Let me ask you a question. If you and I met, or you met the person in your life who you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, let's just say. But they said, now, here's the thing, we got to live in my house. And you go, okay, all right. They said, let me just tell you about my house. My house, regularly, there's snakes all over it. You got to avoid them. There's a fire that pops up in a room randomly every couple of weeks. So there's fire in this house all the time.

• 3:07Ed Mylett?

  It rains in there. It gets really hot some days, and other days it gets freezing cold. Sometimes it feels like you're in an earthquake. The whole house is shaking. You think it's going to come down all around you. Then there's other times in this house where it's like a tornado blows through it. You don't know where it came from, but it's just, it just hits the house and wrecks it. And we're going to live in that house the rest of our lives. So I know you love me, but you need to know the house we're going to live in. And it gets worse than that from time to time. You don't even know what's going on. You can't read it at all. There's no detection. And out of the blue, another storm hits, another fire hits, another snake pops up. Then you walk into the wrong room and there's lions and tigers and bears that just attack you.

• 3:52Ed Mylett?

  And so it's coming from all angles a lot of the time. Would you rethink that relationship or whether you wanted to live in that house? Maybe you love the person, but you said the house part, that part I'm not buying into. Maybe it wasn't even a significant other. It was just a great friend who said, when you come visit me, you know, you won't know when, but when you come to my house, this is what takes place there. You probably rethink that friendship, wouldn't you? You would not accept those terms in a long-term relationship or in a friendship. Yet we do this all the time with the people around us. Let me say something to you. A truly emotionally mature person does not allow another human to pull them into their pit of anger, hurt, and angst.

• 4:36Ed Mylett?

  But people do it all the time. I want you to evaluate whether you're emotionally mature. I only know this is true because I've allowed this to happen to me far too many times. Where how somebody else acts pulls me into their pit of anger, fear, angst. Then you find yourself with these people, because by the way, people, humans, have an emotional home. Don't they? I've talked about this in my book, The Power of One More. You have an emotional home, as does every human being you meet. Your default emotion is bliss, joy, ecstasy, passion, peace, laughter. If you're in those emotions, most of the time, there'll be times when you're not at home,

• 5:17Ed Mylett?

  and you visit other places, and you will feel anger, or fear, or sadness, or scarcity. But everyone has an emotional home. And if you love somebody, but their emotional home, in other words, the home they're gonna have you live in with them, because you live in that home with them, is anger, fear, anxiety, depression, frustration, angst, scarcity. You know what I'm talking about? You've chosen to live in that home with this person for the rest of your life. And an emotionally immature person allows, when someone goes to their home, of anger, angst, and frustration. They go there with them. And they try to win a conversation. You ever be in a conversation with somebody where they get angry, so you get angrier? They put you down, so you come back with something about them.

• 6:02Ed Mylett?

  They bring up something from your past, so you bring up two things from their past. And it ends up being this emotional immaturity pit that you end up in. You know exactly what I'm talking about. That is no way to live your life, yet so many times in our life, these people, this stimulus, if we're emotionally immature, we go there with them, with this immature person, and we end up being more immature than they are. And so, if the quality of your life is in fact the quality of your emotions, this may be one of the most important episodes you ever listen to. I want you to begin to think about yourself and evaluate yourself in terms of your emotional maturity. I know I'm doing this as I speak to you. Remember, I only know this because I've allowed this to happen to me far too many times myself. So you don't evaluate two things. A, your own responses when these people begin to behave this way,

• 6:47Ed Mylett?

  which is more often than not, isn't it, for some people? And B, their proximity to you. And whether you really would live in that house if you knew that was the house, even if you like or love them. Because here's the truth. You choose your response, your reaction, or the lack thereof.

• 7:05Ed Mylett?

  You don't win by getting more angry, more reckless, and more out of control with somebody. That's a race to the bottom, and the loser is you. And so when you're dealing with somebody who on a regular basis, they pit up anger, they're passive aggressive with you. They're a victim. They start generating these emotions and you find yourself trying to win. I can be more angry. I can put you down more. And you think, well, no, I'm standing up for myself. No, you're not. You're being emotionally immature with a very emotionally immature person in your midst. Being more angry, mean, or threatening is not a sign of strength. It's a sign of fear and immaturity. A strong person, when someone is emotionally immature,

• 7:50Ed Mylett?

  somehow finds a way to stay in peace, to stay in bliss, to stay composed, to stay in God. Strength is resisting the desire to hurt them back. I really want to talk about this for a second because, you know, I know that when I was an emotionally immature person, and I still can be, when someone would become angry with me, I would try to win that conversation and be more angry. If they hurt me, I wanted to hurt them back. But ask yourself a question. Is that mature? Is that good for your own emotional health? Is that good for your own well-being? Is that good for your own inflammation? These people inflame us, literally. They inflame us. And so I want you to evaluate something.

• 8:34Ed Mylett?

  I already know, by the way, you're thinking about that person who does it, aren't you? You got that person, you're thinking about their face, their name. They may be somebody you're married to, that you date, maybe a good friend of yours, maybe a parent, maybe a sibling.

• 8:49Ed Mylett?

  If you're emotionally mature, when they get angry, you don't go there. You rise above, you disconnect, you become an observer of what's taking place. When they get loud, you get quiet. When they get mean, you get kind. When they get hurtful, you get loving. And these are a choice. These are choices that we make in our life. You're choosing to get angry with them. You're choosing to race them to the bottom of the emotional game. Nobody wins when you do it. Nobody feels better after. You know what it else is? It's spiritual immaturity.

• 9:26Ed Mylett?

  What if you would begin to act as God would want you to, not the enemy? Here's what I think, if you believe in that, which I do, the enemy is the one going, now you get more angry, now you put them down again, now you bring up something from the past, now you get immature, now you be the victim, now you retaliate, now you be passive aggressive. And all of a sudden, you're in this out of control spiral, and you gotta ask yourself, how many minutes of your life do you wanna spend in this spiral of emotional immaturity? How much time do you wanna live in your emotional home of angst, anger, frustration, sadness, anxiety? You know what I mean? Like, you get wound up about stuff in life. But what if you decided to start to act as God would want you to? What if you began to surrender, winning the argument with this poor person?

• 10:09Ed Mylett?

  I've started to feel empathy for people in my life who are around me, friends or otherwise, who begin to behave in this way. And you get into patterns in your relationships with people that are so unhealthy, so dangerous. This could be at work, maybe it's somebody at work that pushes your buttons. You know what I'm talking about, right? You are best to rise above, disengage, and act as God would want you to. If you believe in this, and I also believe in this, you stay at a high vibrational frequency when they start to go low. When they start to reduce the frequency of all these negative things and emotions and put downs or whatever they do to you, you stay in the high emotional frequency. By the way, nothing, nothing will frustrate them more than you doing that.

• 10:51Ed Mylett?

  Nothing frustrates an angry person more than when you come back with kindness. They're trying to pull you into this race to the bottom. And by the way, if they're naturally a little bit more of an angry or sad or victimized person than you are, they're better at it than you. Don't even try. They are professionals at being a victim, they are professionals at being sad, they are professionals at anxiety, they are professionals at retaliation, they are professionals at anger. And you're, you dabble in it when you go into their house, stay in your house. You choose your emotions. The quality of your life is the quality of your emotions, and too many of you are spending too many minutes and seconds of your life in emotions that you don't wanna be in because you're emotionally immature still.

• 11:34Ed Mylett?

  If another human being can control you that easily, you need to look at you. This is your choice. I'm speaking to myself, by the way, okay? You need to look at you. This is not about them. They are clearly who they are, they are clearly in their emotional home. In fact, just for a second, when I say somebody who lives in an emotional home of being sad or a victim or angry. Or there's somebody who takes a superior position and puts you down and tries to minimize you. Any of those things, who'd you just think of?

• 12:03Ed Mylett?

  Who'd you just think of? Work, family, friends. Okay. That's their home. You stay in yours. Okay, and when you begin to go into theirs, you lack maturity. It's a sort of spiritual immaturity. By the way, if you still get an adrenaline rush out of retaliation,

• 12:23Ed Mylett?

  you know, when you go back and forth with them and kind of get an adrenaline rush, ask yourself why that is. You know, the reason I put the podcast out today about this is, I'm traveling a lot and I'm flying commercial when I fly now as a choice. And I just watch humans.

• 12:39Ed Mylett?

  We're so mean to each other.

• 12:43Ed Mylett?

  We're so harsh. We're so dismissive. It's rare to meet a kind person. It's rare to meet someone who's generous.

• 12:54Ed Mylett?

  Who cares? It's not out to get it, you know? And I, I'd like to just make a speck of sand in the beach of life by pushing back against that for a second and resisting it. You know, you don't have to be that way. You ever be on an airplane and watch when they say group two boarding and humans just rush and elbow people out of, it's just unbelievable? Or how they don't make eye contact when someone serves them? Or the arguments people get into. And these are strangers. Never mind, you're having some of these same arguments with the person you say you love, who says they love you? Who's your sibling? Who's your parent? Who's your girlfriend or boyfriend?

• 13:39Ed Mylett?

  At some point, you have to ask yourself, do I really want to live in this house the rest of my life? And you have two choices. A, don't ever go into that house with them again.

• 13:51Ed Mylett?

  Ever. You don't get more angry. You don't race them to the bottom. You don't put them down more. Or B, leave the house altogether.

• 14:00Ed Mylett?

  You only have so many minutes in your life. I think you were born to spend most of those minutes in bliss, most of those minutes in peace. And you know what sucks about having someone in your life like that? They will give you a few moments of bliss. You will get a few moments of peace, you will get a few moments of ecstasy and joy. And, and these same people that are so incredible at getting to create tremendous hurt and angst and disappointment. By contrast, they're typically the people that are best at giving us pleasure and joy and bliss. And so in these fleeting little five or 10% of the moments that it's great. Some of us have chosen, I'll take the 80 or 90% of the time. That's not so good for these spikes of adrenaline I get when they're kind or nice.

• 14:43Ed Mylett?

  What's crazy though is they're not any more kind or nice. It's the contrast because they most of the time aren't. And so in the few moments when they are, you're so grateful. It's almost like you're grovelling for the kind them, the nice them, the peace them, the not depressed them. The one that's not angry, the one that's not superior, putting us down. That's no way to live. That's not mature, that's not grown up. You were born to be in that environment, you were born to behave like that. And then they pull out this part of you that when you're done, you got an adrenaline rush and you're like, I don't feel better about myself after behaving like that. Yuck, I need to take a shower for how I talked or thought.

• 15:23Ed Mylett?

  So please evaluate this. And here's some powerful questions. Is this choice and this behavior I'm now making with this person when I race them to the bottom? Moving me closer to God or further away?

• 15:37Ed Mylett?

  In my faith as a Christian, is it closer to God or further away? If you happen to not be a Christian, is it higher frequency or lower frequency? And also, is this really making you closer to your other goals? You think getting into these fits of anger or frustration are getting you closer to your other goals? Are making you a better human, are making you wealthier? Are making you more productive, are helping you be more clear thinking, are contributing to your energy? Are reducing the inflammation in your body and giving you more strength and power? Are you crazy? This is all kryptonite to Superman or Superwoman.

• 16:10Ed Mylett?

  Emotional intelligence involves understanding and managing your own emotions. And recognizing those of others. How it impacts relationships, how it impacts communication and overall well-being. One thing to become is become an observer when this person begins to spiral and they show up as the angry them, or the victim them, or the frustrated them, or the sad them, or the woe is me them, or the put you down them, or the gossip them.

• 16:42Ed Mylett?

  Get away from it, above it, and observe it. Get quiet, get still. What happens is, they get us riled up, don't they? This episode is sponsored by Ro. A lot of people assume GLP-1's cost a fortune, and that assumption keeps them from even looking into treatment. Ro helps people find a more affordable path to FDA-approved GLP-1 treatment. Ro wants to help people lose weight, that's why they have more affordable GLP-1 options, whether you're paying with insurance or cash. Ro's free insurance checker makes it easy to see if you're covered for GLP-1 injections. Just submit your insurance card and Ro handles the rest. No paperwork, no waiting on hold, no confusing phone calls. And if insurance doesn't cover treatment, there are still options.

• 17:24Ed Mylett?

  Ro offers the lowest-cost cash-pay FDA-approved GLP-1s, such as daily pills and multi-dose pens. I use products by Ro, and you should too. Go to ro.co/milet to see if you qualify. That's R-O dot C-O slash Mylett to get started on Ro. For side effects of GLP-1 medications, including boxed warning, go to ro.co/safety, ro.co/safety. So when I ended up buying the island, we had to do all of our outdoor decorating, and I spent a fortune in the first half of the place. And I'm like, I don't want to do this anymore, but I want the best stuff. And that's where Wayfair came in. My wife wanted to get this new garden bed, and Wayfair was the place that offered the perfect solution. Wayfair also helps you create a home that stands up to real life with quality products,

• 18:08Ed Mylett?

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• 18:54Ed Mylett?

  A real key of mental weakness is the avoidance of discomfort. Mentally weak people avoid doing hard things. And let me tell you something, not only is this person mentally weak, but the hard thing to do is to resist getting angry with them, is to resist putting them back down, is to play their game. That's the hard thing to do. So if you give into that every time, does that make you mentally weak or mentally strong? I would submit it makes me mentally weak when I do it. You are also mentally weak when you can't avoid doing the thing that you know is the most harmful. Now, by the way, mentally weak people avoid the avoidance of discomfort physically. They avoid it in exercise. They avoid it in emotional discomfort oftentimes.

• 19:37Ed Mylett?

  But more importantly, they refuse to have difficult conversations. See, at some point, once the emotions go away, you need to be able to step back with that person when they've calmed down and you've helped them calm down and say, this is not acceptable. I will not live like this. I won't join you in this home you live in. And I have empathy for the fact that you live in this home, but you're not pulling me in it anymore. This is not how I speak to people. It's not how I treat people. And it's certainly not how I'm going to be spoken to or treated. This is unacceptable. You do that after the emotions have calmed down. How do you know you're with somebody who might be emotionally weak or spiritually weak? They're a victim most of the time. Everyone's out to get them. Listen to their language. Are they a victim?

• 20:20Ed Mylett?

  Number two thing, I think they avoid doing difficult things, as I've said.

• 20:26Ed Mylett?

  Number three, they are unable to take feedback. Everything that is said to them as feedback is felt as criticism. They defend and defend and deflect. They defend and defend and defend. And then what happens is now you get mad and start doubling down and making it worse than it is with them. They're unable to take feedback. They also will do one thing where you say, well, can you please not do? They'll flip it back on you, but what about you? And they'll change the lens and put the camera on you to take it off of them. Who are these people really? They're God's children also.

• 21:05Ed Mylett?

  They're sad and scared people. Some of them appear on the outside very big and strong. They're scared. The flip side of anger

• 21:16Ed Mylett?

  is fear.

• 21:19Ed Mylett?

  People that try to make people feel sad are sad. We all know that hurt people end up hurting people. But remember this, what if you could not only rise above and not participate? But as you observe them, you almost, actually you do feel empathy. As God would. This is no way to live. This is no way to behave. People who put other people down or gossip hate themselves. Did you know that? When they're putting you down or someone else or gossiping to another person, that is a form of self hatred.

• 21:54Ed Mylett?

  People who truly love themselves have no room in their heart, their mind, or their spirit to put down other people. It's just not something that would come out of them. When you live in an emotional home of peace and love, you can't act out that way. But when you live in an emotional home of angst, fear, anger, lack, scarcity, low self-esteem.

• 22:19Ed Mylett?

  You act out in these ways. These folks are not comfortable in peace. They've become too familiar with stress and tension. They are inflammation. Literally by definition, these folks are inflammation in your life. We always say that in our bodies, really, disease doesn't exist. All the new data tells us the number one thing in a body that's the worst thing you can have for disease or in the future, early death is inflammation in your body. Everything from cancer to heart disease to aches and pains. Inflammation, you want to rid the body of inflammation. Well, these people, when they behave this way, they try to inflame you. And you automatically begin to play their game and you become inflamed. And by the way, you become emotionally inflamed.

• 23:03Ed Mylett?

  When you're emotionally inflamed, your body becomes inflamed. And so these folks are inflammation. You need to rid it from your life. You do not participate in it. These folks, number one, they blame others. Number two, they look for external validation constantly. Let me say that to you. Number one, they blame other people. Nothing's their fault. Everything's a victim. Everything's coming at them. They blame others. Number two, they are always looking for external validation constantly. Listen to their language. So and so said this about me today. So and so said this, so and so said that. When they walk in, they're looking, they give you their resume. They got to look a certain way. They got to tell you their background. They got to tell you about their car, their something they get validation for. I was smart, I was this in high school. They're looking for validation.

• 23:48Ed Mylett?

  Number three, they don't tell you the truth. Do you have anybody in your life that blames others? Evaluate this. Do you have anybody in your life that looks for external? You have that friend, by the way, who's constantly looking for validation from other people? Instead of from God, instead of from internally? Do you have that boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife, boss, person at work? They look for external validation constantly. Third thing, they don't tell the truth. They don't tell the truth. They pervert and warp reality to make it bend their worldview.

• 24:21Ed Mylett?

  And then they don't tell the truth.

• 24:24Ed Mylett?

  Number four, they choose what's easy over what's right. How do you know this? It's easy to get angry. It's easy to blame. It's easy to put people down. It's easy not to go to the gym. It's easy, so somewhere in their life, they choose the easy over what's right. What's right is to treat the people you love with kindness. What's right is to be gentle and to protect strangers that you don't know. What's right is to stand up for people who are hurt. Not to put people down and make them hurt. So they choose what's the easy thing. It's hard to stand up and say, don't do that. And to protect people. It's hard to keep your emotions under control when someone is spinning out of control. When they're hurting you, not to hurt them back. When they're angry, not to get to angry back.

• 25:09Ed Mylett?

  And number five, they're a victim. The victim mentality. Let me ask you a question. What's the emotional home that they live in most of the time? And do you really want to live in that house? Because you don't have to. Either A, you change the way you interact with them, which helps change them. Or B, you move out of that house. You get distance from that house. You deserve to live a life of emotional bliss and peace and abundance, the majority of the time. Life's about duality. It's about contrast. We would never know how beautiful it is to be warm if we've never been cold. Right? It's okay that there's some duality in our life. There are moments of sadness. There are moments of anger.

• 25:53Ed Mylett?

  There are moments of frustration. But they should be moments, not the norm in our lives. You know, the other element of emotional immaturity is getting wound up and worked up beyond what is a normal response to things out of your control. And I want to address this last. Here's a form of emotional maturity. Going absolutely crazy over something like world politics.

• 26:24Ed Mylett?

  This last weekend, I got picked up in the car, great guy in the Uber picks me up. We say hello and immediately he went into politics. He hates Trump, F Trump, this so and so support. I mean, it was out of control. He was yelling, talking to me, I'm like, hey, brother, I don't even want to talk. Yelling, you know, these, you know what I'm talking about, like worked up. I mean, so crazy worked up about a human being he's never met, that he probably never will meet. And out of something mainly out of his control. I'm not suggesting you don't have opinions. I'm not suggesting you don't stand for things. I'm not supposed to, you don't get in line in March or stand up or hold a sign or state your opinion or post, but you know what I mean? Where things out of your control get you so worked up emotionally that you're crazy.

• 27:09Ed Mylett?

  That you have become dominated this, this entire ride. I'm a nice guy in the backseat. He probably could have learned a few things from me or about me. I always try to learn things about the person I'm with, learn from them. He spent that entire ride in anger. All over the place. I mean, it was, I felt, I got out of the car, I felt empathy. Now I could have got angry back and said something about a point he said that didn't make sense, or I could have agreed with one and joined him in his area. Yeah, you're right about the tariffs. I'm like, my gosh, you, with this was the last 30 minutes of your life. You certainly were pretty dead gum out of control and immature. You know exactly what I'm telling you. He's like, I had to block my family on Facebook because they like him. And I said, you've blocked your family?

• 27:55Ed Mylett?

  Yeah, man, we don't get together anymore. I said, over you guys arguing, what, are you serious? This is your blood, like your mom? Really? You don't talk to your mom because she has a different opinion than you about someone neither one of you have ever met before and never will meet. Wow.

• 28:16Ed Mylett?

  I just got out of the car. I felt such empathy. I was proud that I didn't join him in his anger about it, or refute it and get more angry with him to prove him wrong. That would have been a race to the bottom, huh? What if I disagreed with everything he said? So now we're back and forth. Angry, more angry, put him down, put that down. Well, what about Biden? Well, what about this? I could have gone back the other way. That would have been a pleasant drive. Great way to spend 30 minutes of my life. Right? Or joined him in his anger. You're right. Can you imagine that? This has become normalized in our culture and our society. It's what most of you listen to every day. You just feed yourself more of it. How's your heart feel? How's your spirit feel? How's your inflammation?

• 28:58Ed Mylett?

  I'm not saying don't listen to be informed. I'm not saying don't stand up. I'm not even saying don't scream from the rooftops about issues that matter to you. But are you serious? This is an all-consuming reality TV show. That you're not in, but you think you are. Literally got from the car. Got to the airport, got on the airplane. I'm not kidding you. And now I sat next to somebody who loved Trump, but that wasn't the conversation. Hates liberals. Hates them. Said words that I won't even repeat. About Biden. And who they back and these there for the party of the blah, blah, blahs and the blah, blah, blahs and.

• 29:39Ed Mylett?

  Anger, man, anger, wound up. By the way, they both think they're complete experts. They had anger, angst, frustration, put downs. Really divisive language that Trump hater had and unbelievably divisive language that Biden kind of liberal hater guy had. And then I'm like, well, wait a minute. I'm gonna sit next to this one for three hours. I've just had 30 minutes with the other guy on the other side. I ain't doing this. So at some point, I literally said, I touched his arm. I said, brother, I could tell you're really passionate about this. Just want you to know, I am not spending the next three hours in these emotions with you. You seem like a great guy, man. You seem like a great guy. I love your passion for what you're doing.

• 30:22Ed Mylett?

  I'm gonna put my headphones on, I'm gonna listen to some great music. And if this was the last three hours of my life, I ain't spending it this way. I'm completely clear on your opinion. I could read everything you just said on the internet. By the way, same thing with the other guy. And what we do in our life is then we surround ourselves with people who completely validate these emotions. You're right, you're right, you're right. This dude that drove me in the Uber can't even conceive of somebody who disagrees with any of the points, and neither could the guy on the airplane the other side. I just thought, we are one wound-up culture. And by the way, one guy thought he was a victim to everything Biden did. The other guy thought he was a victim to everything Trump did. They blamed, they both looked for external validation by being right about it from a stranger in me. Neither one of them had the total truth.

• 31:05Ed Mylett?

  And they're both choosing what was really easy over what was right. Which might be to listen. Might be to listen. Might be to learn. And I know some would say, hey, you gotta stand for something. You gotta have an opinion. Absolutely you do. And I, I believe in that. I also believe that there's an articulate, loving, kind, and actually influential way to stand for something and have an opinion. And that is not the way to do it. Behaving emotionally ridiculous in a totally immature way is not the right way to take a stand. Or to have an opinion, or to create any difference or change. Or is that you're really not interested in creating any change. You're interested in being angry. You're interested in biting your chest.

• 31:46Ed Mylett?

  You're interested in being a victim. You're interested in angst. You're interested in stress. You're interested in getting validation for it. But if you really wanted to persuade, if you really wanted to take a stand,

• 31:59Ed Mylett?

  you would probably do it in an emotionally mature way. Where you'd be much more articulate. Where you wouldn't put people on the defensive. Where you might actually persuade somebody. And you only do that when you've connected emotionally to somebody. Where there's a spiritual connection. Where there's an energy that says, I can trust you and like you and believe in you. And that you treat me as a brother or a sister. And you have my best interest in mind. That's not what I see or hear almost any of the time. And that's why I make the point that I'm making. And again, I love passion. But what I'm saying right now, even as I say it. Many people would probably disagree because it's just our culture now. It's the mind virus we now live in. What did they do today? What did he do today? What's happening in the world today?

• 32:44Ed Mylett?

  And I know some of these things are very serious. They affect our pocketbooks. They affect health. They affect rights. I'm not talking about any of that. I'm talking about getting wound up to the point of irrationality. Of it being all consuming. Where it literally takes from your life. And the quality of the life of the people around you. And you vibrated a lower frequency. You're further from God. You're not as productive. You don't have as much energy for the right things because you've expended it on ridiculous things. And you spend your life in these emotions. And then, by the way. You leave this planet. I know you want to make it a better one. I know you want to change it. But you're also supposed to enjoy your time here to some extent.

• 33:26Ed Mylett?

  And contribute, not just say what's wrong. To contribute. And so these are things I've noticed. I think emotional immaturity and spiritual immaturity is at an epidemic rate in our culture. And what it contributes to overall, ask yourself this. Especially if you disagree with the last thing I said. Does that contribute to more kindness? More peace? More gentleness? More understanding? More elevated ways of living?

• 33:58Ed Mylett?

  Or has it gotten a bit extreme?

• 34:00Speaker 01

  Just a bit extreme.

• 34:02Ed Mylett?

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• 34:47Ed Mylett?

  Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com/ed for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. That's Q U I N C E dot com slash ed. So you know, I've been trying to take my health and my morning routine to the next level and I used to do a whole bunch of different stuff, tons of different supplements. And then I found all in one in a drink with IM8. IM8 is the way to simplify your supplement routine. Finally, once and for all, 16 supplements replaced 90 ingredients across nine major organ systems in one drink. You can have all these supplements for $2.61 a day. I've changed my mornings. The whole IM8 routine has changed my mornings.

• 35:30Ed Mylett?

  I feel great and I bring energy to the entire day. Go to IM8health.com/ed10 right now or click the link in the description and use code ED10 for a free welcome kit, five free travel sachets plus 10% off your order. That's code ED10 at IM8health.com/ed10. Code ED10 at IM8health.com/ed10. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. So whether it's people that create emotional immaturity in your life and you're around emotionally immature people, topics, situations, circumstances, all of it can trigger an emotionally immature person to behave in an emotionally immature way.

• 36:16Ed Mylett?

  My driver was a grown man yelling, driving me in his Uber, dropping F bombs about someone he's never met before while I sat in the back of his car. The guy on the airplane next to me was using profanity and derogatory names for certain groups of people. That was beyond disgusting. And they're both on different sides of the aisle, both incredibly emotionally immature people. There has to be a way to elevate the conversation where it would actually be productive and mature. So whether it's world issues or whether it's personal relationships, I want to challenge you to not have a race to the bottom. Race to the top, elevate, observe, listen, communicate with dignity,

• 37:01Ed Mylett?

  kindness, generosity, and most of all, intelligence. The most intelligent you is the least wound up and the most calm. Isn't she, isn't he? Very short intermission here, folks. I'm glad you're enjoying the show so far. Don't forget to follow the show on Apple and Spotify. Links are in the show notes. Now on to our next guest. All right, welcome back to the show, everybody. I try to make it a practice not to have a lot of attorneys on the show. It's just sort of a rule of thumb. I'm just kidding to all my attorney listeners. But in this case, this man's work is so good. And I mean this, I sought him out. I like when I see a relatively new face on the scene that is doing work that is not like everybody else's.

• 37:44Ed Mylett?

  That it's his own and that I believe his work can dramatically impact your life from a productivity standpoint, a peace of mind standpoint, an influence standpoint. And he's got a book out right now called The Next Conversation, Argue Less, Talk More. And I consider him, and I don't say this often, to be a communication expert. And you will see that reveal itself throughout the next hour. You are going to learn so much and take so many notes today. From Jefferson Fisher. Jefferson, welcome to the show finally, brother.

• 38:14Jefferson Fisher?

  And thank you so much for having me. I'm truly honored to be here. It's a, it's a pinch me moment. It's great to meet you, man.

• 38:21Ed Mylett?

  Let's start out with, his content, you guys, is so specific is what I like about it. It's not just general principles. There's actually real phraseology, real words. Where perhaps you are the secondary person is what I would call it. So you could be husband and wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, friend, boss, and personally supervise. But one has sort of asserted the superior position in a conversation, if that makes sense. Almost like they're always teaching you a lesson. Or they're in the control position. Is there a way to sort of wrestle is the wrong word, but reestablish pecking order or at least equality in a conver- you know what I mean when I say that? That you have the people that in your life that talk to you as if they're the expert on everything. You're not.

• 39:05Ed Mylett?

  They're in charge. You're not. They're picking the restaurant. You're not. Is there a way when someone has that dynamic with you to change that dynamic? I started with one of the hard questions first because I think more people find themselves invisible pecking order conversations almost than maybe they realize.

• 39:22Jefferson Fisher?

  Let's split the dynamic too. Let's say it's, if it's one on one, much harder because this person has constructed their whole identity, most likely to this facade. If it is, let's say you're in a meeting and that person's trying to establish the pecking order. The other people will change the dynamic for you. You don't have to push back. You just can't be pushed over. Let's say one on one with this conversation with somebody who feels like they're more dominant. Biggest thing you're going to do is just not be pushed over, meaning you're not going to continue to chase everything that they say. You're not going to push back because they're looking for that threat. We call it water off a duck's back. Where anything that somebody says, you can just say, okay, noted.

• 40:05Jefferson Fisher?

  I got it. No, if I have any questions, I'll ask this ability to kind of be in the, in the pocket in your communication. The temptation is we want to compete with them. Oh, you just went skydiving? Oh, that's great. I just went twice. Oh, you know, Ed? It's great. Yeah, you need to. And they start to compete with one another of how many names they can drop, how many experiences they can share. But all that does is show more and tells more about their insecurity than it does really about any kind of true substance. Let's say, let's just use the word alphas or the people that are very confident in the communication, the conversation typically say much less. You've been in those meetings where the person who always has their two cents, the person who always has something to say is the person

• 40:47Jefferson Fisher?

  most likely the least removed from the actual true conversation of what's happening. They have to tell you so much so that you can know how smart they are. The real top dog is the person that's the most quiet. And when that person speaks, everybody's quiet and everybody listens. So insecurities are very loud. Confidence is very quiet.

• 41:09Ed Mylett?

  You said it about leaders too. It struck me where you said, actually, great leaders learn to say more with literally fewer words than the non-leader. You believe that's one of the traits of a great communicator of a leader, correct?

• 41:22Jefferson Fisher?

  Correct. Good leaders respond in conversation. Great leaders leave room for conversation. So when there is this mentality that the leader has to say, I'm captain of this ship and everybody should know it. Oh, who do you think you're talking to? And they need to correct and drive traffic and go, go, go. The best leaders are ones that they don't have to prove everything. Insecure people feel like they have to prove. They have to say a whole lot just so you believe that they're smart. Confident people know that. Great leaders already know that. They're the ones that have this calm energy. In my view, the best leaders have a calm energy about them. When they're on the floor of

• 42:07Jefferson Fisher?

  whatever is happening, instead of this erratic, you know, what's going on? Okay, we need to do this. And they start shouting and getting mad and yelling at people versus the person who comes on the floor and goes, okay.

• 42:19Jefferson Fisher?

  What do we need to do next? What's happening next? Instead of the blame, it's where are we moving forward? So driving the conversation in a way that sets authority? People are looking for anchors in conversation. Same thing in their everyday business. Employees, supervisors, whoever it is, they're looking for the anchors in their organization and same in everyday conversations. So you have to find the way to be confident enough to be the anchor.

• 42:44Ed Mylett?

  Brother, so good. You by the way, you exhibit that, by the way, from the minute we flipped the camera on, even before we went live. There's a deliberate calmness to the way in which you listen. You actually listen calmly. It's one of the things I noticed about you instantaneously when the camera went on. Mostly you don't know this because I'm an entrepreneur, but my major in college was actually broadcasting. And so it's amazing that God had this way 30 years later to create podcasts. And then I was able to take advantage of that background. But one of the things you have to learn in broadcasting, when you write your copy is to write things with fewer words because you have to deliver segments in these little bites of time. And that taught me to communicate with fewer words,

• 43:26Ed Mylett?

  saying the same thing other people take more words to do. And I do believe that that's an effective use. If you watch communicators, there are fewer words they use. It's almost like someone watching on broadcasting. I want to make sure everybody gets the book too, because we're going into a lot of stuff. It's the next conversation, argue less, talk more. What if you're with somebody who? I used it earlier, but I want to go a little bit deeper. They pick on you. They kind of gnaw at you a little bit. You know, everything is almost passive aggressive in the way they say things. And you find yourself almost being put down subtly when you communicate with this person. And I find this

• 44:08Ed Mylett?

  an awful lot lately with couples that are friends of mine, married couples. There's this subtle dynamic where they both are a little bit. Passive aggressive with one another and the way they communicate. And I, I feel empathy for the one that I think is the one receiving most of the aggression. Is there something you can do when you feel like someone's communicating with you that way? Is there a phraseology or a, or a strategy for that?

• 44:33Jefferson Fisher?

  Let's separate into two different categories. So one, let's say is kind of this more just passive aggressive bucket. The other is, let's ramp it up to somebody being a little bit more overtly disrespectful, rude. So in this first bucket, this passive aggressive, these are people that most likely just have grown up that way. This is what they saw mirrored conversation and arguments throughout their life. And they don't know how to express that kind of thing. So when they slide in that negative comment that you know, there's something to that. A simple question of like, should I read into that? Or is there more to that? Or I, and this goes for Chris Foss, a dear friend, and I love his, his question is, "Sounds like you have a reason for saying that." I love that phrase.

• 45:18Jefferson Fisher?

  I, I also love, "Sounds like there's more to that." So anytime you can just quickly ask, "Sounds like there's more to that." Or ask them, "Should I read into that?" That tends to draw out the passive aggressiveness because they're not expecting you to kind of call them to the floor. On the flip side of somebody saying more aggressive things towards you. My recommendation is begin your question with, "Did you mean? Did you mean for that to sound rude? Did you say that to embarrass me? Did you say that to hurt my feelings? Did you say that to offend me?" And when you say, "Did you mean?" It is twofold. One is giving them the grace of perhaps they said it in a way they did not mean.

• 46:03Jefferson Fisher?

  And it's going to allow them to fix it. Like, uh, at least with me and my wife, if we're texting and something seems like it's off, instead of it saying, you know, "Why are you being so short? What's wrong?"

• 46:15Ed Mylett?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 46:16Jefferson Fisher?

  The question, ask the question, "Did you mean for that to sound short?" Instantly, almost every time, my, you know, it is like the, oh, no, no, no, no. Sorry, I'm picking up the kids or I, you know, I was checking out the grocery store or getting gas. You know, you, you get that, that K or okay, and you're like, oh, okay, I guess, I guess they hate me right now. All right. Like, I guess they're in a mood. And then you naturally get in a mood and then you respond defensively, which causes them to respond defensively. And now you're convinced, you've convinced yourself you're under attack. So it's this, um, this feedback loop that's not helpful to you. So when you begin with, did you mean, it's a great way to, it sets somebody to one, give them that grace of fixing it. But two, it's calling attention to what they were wanting to do. Did you say that to, and to embarrass me?

• 47:02Jefferson Fisher?

  Did you say that to offend me? It is, uh, or did you mean for that to sound rude? Like that is a very quick way to address it out in the open and if they're gonna double down on it or not.

• 47:14Ed Mylett?

  Will you do that in reverse, by the way, this is so good. Will you do that in reverse if you feel that what you've said has been misinterpreted? In other words, if you feel like you're, I do this better in business than I do personal life. To be honest with you, in personal life, I think I just let everything out the window that I know that are tools, which is so stupid. When it comes to business, I'm pretty good at this. With friends and family, I devolve into the most emotionally immature person sometimes. But so let's say we have gone back and forth and maybe I've said something the other way that they're hurt by. Will you slow a conversation down, for example, and say something like, what did you hear me say? How will you handle that if the person is now coming back at you for something they believe you said that's passive aggressive or demeaning or rude?

• 47:59Jefferson Fisher?

  Awesome question. This happens all the time, especially in relationships, but I'd say even work too. When somebody tells you something, you've been in that situation where somebody is going, that's not what you said, you said this, and they kind of give a voice that doesn't even sound like your voice and gives a intonation and you're like, I didn't even say it like that. And all of a sudden now you're going, that's not what I said, I didn't say it like that. You're just pushing what you thought you conveyed. And nine times out of 10, it is inaccurate because what is said is not always what's received. So instead of this, that's not what I said. You are going to ask the question, what did you hear? What did you hear? Because now it's not about what I am putting out.

• 48:43Jefferson Fisher?

  I am now getting curious of what you heard because that's what matters. Anytime you had that kind of confrontation or that miscommunication, instead of going, no, no, no, that's not what, that's not what I said. And kind of dismissing their whole experience or their perspective. Uh, by the way, it's very hard to the judge. It's like making your own movie, but not having an audience and going, no, no, that's not how the movie goes. It's like, nobody else has seen it. Only you're the one who thinks it's that way. So when you ask the question, what did you hear? And they explain it. That's when you can say, oh, that was not my intent. Or I apologize for that impression. Or I would recommend is begin your sentence with, I can see. Like, I can see how you feel that way. I can see how that come on.

• 49:25Jefferson Fisher?

  You know, whenever you say, um, you know, I, I can see why you'd feel that way. I can see why, uh, that would upset you. That I can see just says, hey, I took a second to walk over to where you're standing and I turned to look the same way that you're looking. And I can confirm, yeah, what you see is reasonable. What you see is justified. You know what? That makes sense. I can see that. That right there just goes boo. It naturally takes down the aggression, this, I have to win. You have to see it what I see. Anytime you can do that and use words of perspective, uh, like view, perspective, see, um, that is going to help somebody go, oh, I feel heard. Oh, I feel understood.

• 50:08Jefferson Fisher?

  And by that, they're going to be more receptive to the progress.

• 50:11Ed Mylett?

  This is so good. You guys, just so you know, when you're listening to this, the reason I wanted Jefferson on and the reason I think there should be more work in this topic is there's like only two or three people in the world that even discuss this stuff. And it, it may be in the top three most important things in life. It'd be able to communicate your point and to be able to overcome adversity in a conversation and a, a difficulty and maintain or extend relationships. This is not stuff that's taught anywhere, yet it should be. That was a great conversation. And if you want to hear the full interview, be sure to follow the Ed Mylett Show on Apple and Spotify. Links are in the show notes. Here's an excerpt I did with our next guest. All right, welcome back to the show, everybody.

• 50:52Ed Mylett?

  You know, today was a very important episode for me in terms of scheduling this today because I think it's such an important topic for a couple of reasons. Number one, one of my great concerns in our culture right now is the way we talk with one another. Uh, the way we have conversations, it just seems to me over the last twenty, thirty years in our culture. We've lost the ability to have a conversation with somebody that we might not agree with in a productive way. And I'm sure you all agree with me as well. It's become very difficult in our times to. Dialogue with somebody that you might have a disagreement with or have a difficult conversation with. The art and science of. Learning to have a conversation is one of the most important skills you can have in life, even with my kids. One of the things I hope they leave our home with is the ability to communicate.

• 51:38Ed Mylett?

  The ability to have a conversation with somebody. And it is a skill. And there are insights in how to do it better. And I just feel like it could change our world if we talk to one another better. And I think you'd agree with me too, whether it be your personal relationships, a political discussion, a religious discussion. As a leader in your company, having a conversation about creating ideas or a new direction, whatever it might be. Learning to be a better conversationalist. And I have the perfect guest. His name is Chuck Weisner. Chuck's got a book out right now called The Art of Conscious Conversations. Transforming how we talk, listen and interact. And I'm really excited to get into this topic. So Chuck, welcome to the show.

• 52:17Speaker 03

  Thanks for having me. It's a pleasure to be here.

• 52:19Ed Mylett?

  It really is for me. You know, a lot of times. Of all these people on my show that have these huge followings or guests, you know, that, you know, have major notoriety. And I've always found that oftentimes it's the topics on my show. That really move people and more and more. People are concerned about the way we talk with one another. And so I want to get right into it. How do you talk to somebody if it's a difficult conversation? One of the things I saw that you said is. You ask in your writing, do your patterns of judging others reflect behaviors you don't like? Or want to recognize or won't recognize about yourself? So when we're in a difficult conversation with somebody. You know, maybe we disagree with them. I want to go to the hard stuff first, like I'm a Republican and someone's a Democrat, or I'm a Democrat and someone's a Republican.

• 53:03Ed Mylett?

  Something like that, you know, these hard conversations. What are some of the keys in being better at doing it? So it's actually a productive experience.

• 53:10Speaker 03

  There are definitely keys that we're going to talk about. And it's also important to know that when you're in a difficult conversation. Both parties have to be willing to start with truth. And if we can't have a foundation of truth, then you're gonna have a very, the conversation will remain difficult. There's opinions and there's facts and there's emotions. And we get all of those mixed up, right? And they all get discombobled and jumbled up in our brain. But if we realize that my opinion is just my opinion and it's not the truth, then we can slowly, we can say, okay, what's driving my opinion? And we sort of can open our hand and go, this is why I'm thinking how I'm thinking.

• 53:54Speaker 03

  This is what my standards are. There's four archetypal questions in the book. This is what I'm worried about. This is my concern. Here's what I'd like. We can start to just open our hands and say, okay, I have an opinion. Let's dance with that. Let's see what we can learn from each other. That's a very different conversation with fist than fist coming at each other.

• 54:15Ed Mylett?

  Yeah, you also say in the book that I've learned to do this myself. Is to fall in love with asking questions.

• 54:22Speaker 03

  Right.

• 54:22Ed Mylett?

  You're talking with somebody, whether you're a business leader and trying to create change in your company, or whether you're in an argument with a spouse or disagreement, or you gotta talk about something different. Like I've used, I've used politics as an example, because it's the big one, right? Right? Like, they're good, we're bad. I'm right, you're wrong. And the idea of making statements all the time and telling stories as opposed to asking questions.

• 54:43Speaker 03

  Right, right. And, and the, the idea of whether I'm doing it to myself and asking myself what's driving my opinion, what's driving my judgment, and why am I so hooked on the thing, right? We can also, the questions help us, like each question can help us open someone else's hand. Because we can ask, well, what, what do you, what do you really want? What do you, what do you desire here? What do you want out of this? What are your standards for measuring this, this opinion that you have? So our questions can literally help other people unlock and unfist, right?

• 55:19Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 55:19Speaker 03

  And, and, but we aren't trained to ask questions. We're trained to have answers. That's one of the major dilemmas. And then we get into school and we're rewarded for raising our hand. And then we get into business and we're rewarded for being the smartest person in the room, right?

• 55:33Ed Mylett?

  Right.

• 55:33Speaker 03

  And that's a counter to the, the opposite effect is asking questions.

• 55:38Ed Mylett?

  Well, this notion of raising your hand was my next thing. So you're reading my mind. And I think one of the art forms of being a great conversationalist is actually the art of listening. And that's why questions matter so much. And you're precisely right. In school, the teacher's still talking and asking the question, we're taught, we're rewarded. Raise your hand while they're still talking. And what that does to me, I want you to speak to this, to me. What that does to me is it means I'm really not listening to what you're saying. I'm already thinking about what I'm going to say back to you in my answer or my judgment or my assessment about you. Most people are already raising their hand. You know, metaphorically, when most other people are still talking and they wonder, why am I not connecting with this person? Why can't we find common ground?

• 56:21Ed Mylett?

  Because while they're talking, you've got your hand raised already. I got the answer. I know the truth. I want to say something and rather finishing and letting them finish their statement.

• 56:30Speaker 03

  Yeah. So our, our brain is spinning our answer. Uh, and so there's no space actually to absorb what's coming at us from the other person. Right? And, and part of that, that actually the main reason that is we are, we get addicted to our position. Our ego and our identity gets addicted to, I believe this. And if I believe this is true, then that is, that defines who I am. And that, that is often why we enter with fists or why we enter. Uh, you know, in defensively, you know, and, and can't just say, okay, I do have an opinion. I'm going to set that aside and I'm going to see if I can explore really what, what's driving this other person's thinking.

• 57:12Ed Mylett?

  But if I just want to go back for a second, everybody, first thing to ask yourself is. What's your ability to ask questions and to ask questions without judgment as someone's answering you? In other words, can you learn this, the art of not raising your hand metaphorically when someone's talking? And be fully present with their answer, absent as much as you can of judgment. We'll talk about triggers in a little bit because you have some brilliant stuff in there on triggers, which I teach in, in other areas of life. I never thought about in terms of a conversation, but the one thing that opened my eyes and why I wanted you on above many things. Is this idea of there's four conversations.

• 57:47Speaker 03

  Right.

• 57:48Ed Mylett?

  And one of them is storytelling, but take the time on this and elaborate, what are the four different conversations? And what do they mean?

• 57:54Speaker 03

  So these are four types of conversations. They organized the book and the reason they that they work well to do that is they each conversation has its own lessons to learn, tools to try, practices to try on. Because each conversation demands different skill sets and they're all interconnected. We're generally without knowing about the conversation, we're just in conversation like fish in water. And as soon as we get, wait a minute, there's storytelling, there's collaboration, there's creativity and there's commitment conversations. Already we have a different lens to think about conversations.

• 58:31Ed Mylett?

  That's right, right.

• 58:32Speaker 03

  If I took you to spend six months with the Inuits in Alaska and they taught you there's 27 names for snow in those six months, when we came back to New England, you would never see snow the same way. Because all of a sudden you have distinctions about snow that allow you to see and perceive and have a different story about snow. Right? Conversation is the same way. If we can begin to think about different conversations and different ways to listen and different ways to ask questions and why it matters, we can't be in conversation as innocently. Right?

• 59:12Ed Mylett?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 59:13Speaker 03

  We go, oh, I get, I need to wake up here a little bit because I'm locked down and I'm creating a fight because I'm locked down. Right? So that's why the four conversations are just the beginning to say, we can start looking at conversations with a better lens.

• 59:29Ed Mylett?

  Yo, so good. The, the four he said, by the way, I just want to make sure you get it are storytelling, collaborative conversations, creative conversations and commitment conversations. I want to give you a compliment on how your work helped me a little bit on the storytelling part or listening for someone's story.

• 59:46Ed Mylett?

  I have a friend who I was watching two friends argue, one's very right wing and one's very left wing. Both these dudes I love. I love both these guys. And I actually understand the perspectives of both of them. And so the conversation was actually about welfare. And taxes and my left leaning friend was, you know, they were kind of arguing at first. And you know, you know, you should be paying your fair share. You don't want to help the underprivileged. You don't know what this is like. And the other guy's like, wait a minute, you shouldn't be lazy. You should get a job and it should be temporary and the normal position. They're both really getting ingrained in it. It's like, because of your work, I'm like, wait a minute. And the one guy that was for welfare, I said, I said, John, I said, brother, really?

• 1:00:28Ed Mylett?

  What's the story? Like, why are you so passionate about that welfare should exist, right? God wanted to build a bridge between these dudes. And anyway, John, who, by the way, you resemble John visually. Um, John says he's a really strong masculine guy and he goes, well, man, you guys don't know this, but I was on welfare. I was a little boy and it saved my family. And there was a time where as a little boy, I was actually with my mother on the street begging for money so we could eat. And it was a horrible existence and I was a scared little boy and it was traumatic for me. And thank God my mother got on welfare. And you know what? My mother stayed on welfare for quite a while and my mom didn't really turn her life around.

• 1:01:11Ed Mylett?

  But I did. And now I'm a major league tax player. And I know you buddy over there on the right side, like all the taxes I'm playing. But you don't know what it's like not to have food. You don't. And I watched him tell the story and I had to force it. And I watched my right leaning friend listen. And the, the judgment level, which is what you talk about, the judgment level was so far reduced. Where this is the case ironically, where the story served us. Yep. And because he, I kind of forced it because of your work to listen. And that kind of comes from questions and it goes to my next point with you. You talk about triggers often, this welfare conversation for my friend was a trigger. Why he was getting angry with the right leaning friend, like you're not sensitive. You don't care.

• 1:01:56Ed Mylett?

  He's triggered by that thing. Before we start the interview with my next guest, just want to remind you all that you can subscribe to the show on YouTube or follow the show on Apple or Spotify. We have all the links in our show notes. You'll never miss an episode that way. Now on with the show. Hey, welcome back to the show, everybody. I'm honored to have this man here for the second time. The first time he was on the show, I sought him out saying, please come on the show because his book had made such an impact on me. And now he's got a new book out, by the way, before I introduce him called Super Communicators, How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection. And it's a topic, as you all know, that I am fascinated by because I talk a lot about it on the show. Except he's way more qualified than me. And the reason he's way more qualified than me is this guy is a Pulitzer Prize winning writer. He's a New York Times bestselling author.

• 1:02:41Ed Mylett?

  And he's a renowned expert on habits. And also now, after reading his work, he's an expert on communication. So Charles Dewey, welcome back to the show.

• 1:02:49Charles Duhigg?

  Thank you, Ed, for having me on. This is such a treat for me.

• 1:02:51Ed Mylett?

  Yeah, I love you, brother. You're gonna listen to a big brain today, everybody, on a topic that you need to know more about. I gotta tell you why I love your book so much. We were just talking about kids off camera. There's a few things I want my kids to have left my house with. One, I want them to have some faith, which is their morals and ethics. I want them to have some work ethic, self-confidence. And if I could give them a fourth thing, it would be the ability to be an outstanding communicator. And I just think it's one of the things that is the most important elements of life. I'm sure you agree. What about difficult conversations?

• 1:03:21Charles Duhigg?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:22Ed Mylett?

  Are those different in nature? And are they, I mean, having to, you know, say, hey, listen, your job performance isn't very good. Or I'm frustrated with you. Or, you know, something that's, you know, you're going into it and going, gosh, I wish I didn't have to have this conversation, but I do.

• 1:03:37Charles Duhigg?

  Yeah, or sometimes they catch you off guard, right? Where like, I'm talking about one thing and all of a sudden I realize you're furious at me. Like, I didn't pick up on that until just now. And so the answer is, they abide by the same rules, but the fact that you're in conflict changes the context enormously. Because we were just talking about trust, right? I can establish trust by, by sharing something about myself. But if you go into a conversation where there's conflict, trust is already out the window, right? Like, you're, you are, you're fight or flighters going off in your head like crazy. You can't trust someone easily just because, like, they ask you a question. So, and this has been a focus of a lot of study. How do we make conversations in conflict better? And there's basically two things.

• 1:04:20Charles Duhigg?

  The first one is, I mentioned this looping for understanding, right? Asking a question, repeating back what you heard, and then, and then asking if you got it right. That's enormously powerful in conflict. Because the first thing, the first suspicion I have, if you disagree with me and we're in conflict with each other, is you're waiting your turn to speak. You're not hearing what I'm saying, right? You're just waiting there, and like, I'm gonna tell you my piece, and then you're gonna just bulldoze over me, and I'm gonna bulldoze back. So if you interrupt that by proving you are listening, using looping for understanding to prove, I really wanna understand what you're saying, help me understand. I'm taking a huge amount of mistrust off the table. The second thing that often happens in conflict, and this happens a lot in marriages, this actually comes from marriage therapy,

• 1:05:05Charles Duhigg?

  and studies of marriage therapy, is that it is natural when we feel threatened to want to control things. And the easiest thing to control is the other person. So you tell me your thing, and I'm like, no, no, no, you don't know the evidence. Let me show you the evidence. You say something, and you're like, I'm not even gonna listen to this. I try and control you. I try and tell you what you should believe, what you should feel. That's toxic, right? In a marriage, that is the thing that destroys a marriage. The alternative is, I have a need for control, you have a need for control, we feel threatened. Can we find things to control together? So for instance, can we control the timing of this fight?

• 1:05:46Charles Duhigg?

  Instead of having it at 2:00 in the morning, can we wait till it's 10:00 a.m. and we're both a little bit more rested? Can we control ourselves? Can I let you know, I'm gonna take a second before I speak, and I'm gonna think about what you just said? Can I show you that I'm trying to control myself and invite you to control yourself? And the third thing is, we can control the boundaries of the conflict itself. So, one of the most toxic patterns in marriages is this thing called kitchen sinking, where we start arguing about like, where we're gonna go for New Year's? And then, like, five minutes later, it's like, and your mother hates me, and you don't earn enough money, and like, why are you such a jerk all the time? Right? So, a fight about one thing becomes a fight about everything.

• 1:06:31Charles Duhigg?

  The healthy way to do that is to say, we need to have a fight, like we have a disagreement on something. Let's control the boundaries of it. We're talking about New Year's Eve. If my mother comes up and your money comes up, like, we're just gonna set it aside. That's another conversation, another day.

• 1:06:47Ed Mylett?

  Very good.

• 1:06:47Charles Duhigg?

  But then, when we're controlling these three things, we're controlling, we're controlling ourselves, we're controlling the conversation, the environment, and we're controlling the boundaries of the fight, or the conflict. We're controlling those as partners. Right? We're on the same side of the table. We might not agree on the topic we're discussing.

• 1:07:05Ed Mylett?

  Right.

• 1:07:05Charles Duhigg?

  But you and I are partners now in controlling the right things in this fight, instead of trying to control each other.

• 1:07:11Ed Mylett?

  That's outstanding. When you're talking about relationships and family, where my, first off, I've made those mistakes.

• 1:07:17Charles Duhigg?

  Me too.

• 1:07:18Ed Mylett?

  I'm a pretty good kitchen sinker, now that you term it that way.

• 1:07:20Charles Duhigg?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:21Ed Mylett?

  And so, I think I've gotten better at it. I also think the longer with you, you're with somebody, you have more stuff in the sink. And so it's even more important to avoid that and have that control of the parameters around the conversation.

• 1:07:34Charles Duhigg?

  Right. How long have you been married for?

• 1:07:36Ed Mylett?

  Twenty-six years.

• 1:07:36Charles Duhigg?

  Okay, so I'm coming up on twenty, and I'm sure this has happened to you, but tell me if I'm getting this wrong, which is, there are these things, literally, I can say two words, and I know the entire fight in my wife's head. Right? It's like, it's like, and sometimes I don't even mean to say them, I'm just like, I like, I'm like, I'm like, well, you know, it's because like, I earn more money than you. And then I'm like, oh, nuts.

• 1:07:59Ed Mylett?

  There we go.

• 1:07:59Charles Duhigg?

  I just stepped in it, like, to kitchen sink it, all I had to say was literally three words.

• 1:08:05Ed Mylett?

  You brought the whole sink?

• 1:08:06Charles Duhigg?

  Yeah, and so the immediate thing I do is I'm like, I'm like, I'm sorry.

• 1:08:10Ed Mylett?

  Whoops.

• 1:08:10Charles Duhigg?

  Yeah, I did not mean to do that.

• 1:08:12Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 1:08:12Charles Duhigg?

  Like, tell me what you're feeling, because I wanna, I wanna give you a chance, but like...

• 1:08:15Ed Mylett?

  You know what? I've gotten better at that, Charles, with my kids, too, of saying, you know what, I'm sorry, let me take that right back. Whereas before I'd almost double down or they didn't really feel it that bad. It'll, it'll be brushed under and no, sometimes you just have to in the moment go, I'm gonna yank that one back.

• 1:08:31Charles Duhigg?

  And not only are you connecting with them, but, but think about the modeling you're doing.

• 1:08:34Ed Mylett?

  Right.

• 1:08:34Charles Duhigg?

  You're teaching them how to communicate with other people. Like, I'm absolutely certain your kids are gonna copy that without even realizing it comes from dad.

• 1:08:41Ed Mylett?

  Yeah. That was a great conversation. Be sure to follow the Ed Mylett Show on Apple and Spotify. Links are in the show notes. You'll never miss an episode that way. Welcome back to the show, everybody. So I'm excited to have this man on the show. I think he's got the best energy on all of television. In fact, I was just watching him on Speak on FS1 about, I don't know, hour and a half ago. I was just literally watching him. So he changed out of those beautiful clothes he was on. He's got a sweatsuit for me, so that tells you what he thinks of me.

• 1:09:10Ed Mylett?

  I'm just kidding. I've had his brother on the show, Sam. He just comes from a remarkable family. Former NFL linebacker. Uh, this guy's done so much. Emmy a win winning series that he's got that he produced called Uncomfortable Conversations With A Black Man. Had a great book called Uncomfortable Conversations With A Black Boy. So I figured I need to have him on so we can just have an uncomfortable conversation and change some lives. So Emmanuel Acho, welcome to the show.

• 1:09:37Speaker 05

  My brother, I've heard nothing but good things. I call you a brother because you've had my brother on, my blood brother, Sam Acho. Um, y'all's conversation was fantastic, so I am looking forward to, to this dialogue, dude. I don't talk often outside of my sports show, um, but when I, when I find genuine people and meaningful people, dude, I'm, I'm excited.

• 1:09:58Ed Mylett?

  Well, I'm grateful for that. Here's one of the things I reason why I think people have a hard time being persuaded. I want you to speak to this. And it's that if they change their point of view, they've disrespected their tribe or the group they're a part of. You know, and there's a lot of pressure on certain, you're really smiling. There's a lot of pressure on certain people. There is for me in my role. Steven was telling me, he goes, look, man, I'm on television. And an issue that comes up about race, he goes, while I'm on the air. I'm getting text messages from different people, very significant people telling me, you better say this, you better do that. And he said, it's difficult for me because if I vary from what my, whatever it is, you could have a political tribe, a racial tribe, or religious tribe, whatever that might be. If I change my mind, or I take a position that's not part of my group,

• 1:10:42Ed Mylett?

  somehow I've disrespected, or I may lose that group in terms of their loyalty to me. And I really feel like there's a lot of that in life right like now, because these, these window friends or these other people around, I was like, wow, if I, if I change my mind about this, or I let them know I've changed my mind about this, I've disrespected, or I could lose this group of people. And I think that's one of the reasons people neglect to change their minds sometimes. You see some of that, and do you struggle with that?

• 1:11:09Speaker 05

  That's well said. I see it a lot. I, the reason I do not struggle with that is because I believe that maintaining an ignorant opinion is to disrespect your own intellect. And I would rather disrespect my quote unquote tribe if my tribe is being ignorant, than disrespect my own intellect if I have now unlocked the aperture of my mind to a new way, to a better way, to a more righteous way, to a more honest way, to a more just way. There is a lot of peer pressure to maintaining ignorance, but how can I maintain ignorance? I believe it was Maya Angelou who said, to know better is to do better. Like, once you know better, do better.

• 1:11:51Ed Mylett?

  When do you know if you should disengage from a conversation?

• 1:11:54Speaker 05

  I disengage from conversations when I realize the intention of the other person isn't actually to draw a conclusion. One of my favorite questions to ever ask anybody in life, and it came from Oprah. After I've recorded my, I recorded my second episode of Uncomfortable Conversations with a black man. I sat down with Matthew McConaughey, he called me from a no caller ID number. This is a true story, ladies and gentlemen. McConaughey says, hey, I want to sit down with you for your second episode of Uncomfortable Conversations. Mind you, I was producing it myself, Ed. I rented out a studio space in Austin by myself. I was not yet a mainstay television personality. I literally hired a wedding videographer because I had no video team. I found a friend who shot weddings.

• 1:12:38Speaker 05

  I said, please stand in, shoot this for me. McConaughey watches the first episode. It had been seen by 25 million people in five days. And he says, hey, I want to have a conversation. I do not know to this day how he got my number. Me and Matthew McConaughey, we sit down for a conversation. Five days later, after that conversation airs, I get a call from another no caller ID number. I pick it up. Hi, Emmanuel, Oprah Winfrey speaking. I say, Oprah, she says, yeah, are you free to FaceTime later today? I FaceTimed her later that afternoon. Again, true story, ladies and gentlemen. She asked me one simple question, Ed, one very simple question. And I live by this. This brings this conversation full circle. He said, Emmanuel, what is your intention?

• 1:13:22Speaker 05

  I said, Oprah, my intention is to change the world and I truly believe I can. I said, I'm currently working on writing a book. She said, books? I love books. And that's why Oprah and I partnered together to write the first several of the Uncomfortable Conversation series. Now, bringing this full circle to answer your question.

• 1:13:36Ed Mylett?

  Incredible.

• 1:13:37Speaker 05

  What is the intention of the person I'm talking to? That is how I know when to end a conversation. If the intention of the person is a gotcha moment, I'm out. What do I mean by a gotcha moment? Let's speak plainly. If the person just wants to try to make me look stupid, I'm out. If the intention of the person is to figuratively speaking dunk on me. If the intention of the person is to be like, boom, I got Emmanuel, I'm out. If the intention of the person is not reconciliation, I'm out. If the intention of the person is not to hear what I have to say while simultaneously allowing me to hear what they have to say, I'm out.

• 1:14:17Speaker 05

  So the best question we can ask anyone during the course of conversation is the question that Oprah asked me first. What is your intention?

• 1:14:28Ed Mylett?

  When I was really young, I won my first incentive trip to go to Hawaii. I'd never been there before as a kid. We didn't do that kind of thing. And maybe you know who this guy is, but I'll share this with you about intention. So I got up, no one worked out back in those days. I'm old enough. And I read this book called The Corporate Athlete, this guy named Groppel. And I'm like, I'm gonna be an athlete businessman, right? I'm gonna be one of the first ones who's like fit and jacked, but in business. And so I'm running on this beach in the morning, sun's not up yet. And there's this guy running towards me coming the other way. And I see him. How old I was, I had a Sony Walkman on playing a cassette. So did he. So old I am. Anyway, this dude's running by me and I get, he's getting close. I'm like, oh, he's a bald dude. He's got like this hairy back. And I'm like, he's sweating. I'm like, I don't want to bump this guy.

• 1:15:13Ed Mylett?

  And as he runs by me, I look, it's, it's Dr. Wayne Dyer. Who was a hero of mine at the time, one of the great thought leaders, good men of all time. And I turn around, I go, Dr. Dyer, to just do your point. And he turns around, he's about maybe like 20 feet from me. I said, you changed my life. And he goes, he had a deep voice like me, he goes, I doubt that. He goes, I bet you changed your life, but how did I help you? And he walks towards me and I end up sitting on the beach that day, brother, with Wayne Dyer, watching the sun come up. At the end of the conversation, just to validate your point, he says to me, he goes, Ed, I think you're going to change the world. Now, I'm a young guy at the time, probably he said that to 100 people, but to me, he had only said it to me. And he goes, it's not because you're a talented guy or brilliant

• 1:15:58Ed Mylett?

  or a great communicator, but he goes, I think you are. But he goes, it's because of your intentions. He goes, I think you have a good heart. I think you're a good man. I think you want to make a difference. And he said, would you do me a favor? The rest of your life, would you attach all of your confidence and your worth, not to your abilities or your results, but to your intentions? Because if it's about your abilities and your results, you'll be chasing your tail and letting yourself down all the time. And then he wrote a book called The Power of Intention. I've never been more convinced of what someone has said on my show than what you just said right there, than any point ever made on the show. Because that has literally been the key to whatever limited success I've had in my life, is focusing on my intentions at all given time. So I just want to acknowledge what you said right there. It's profound and it's brilliant.

• 1:16:42Ed Mylett?

  Very short intermission here, folks. I'm glad you're enjoying the show so far. Don't forget to follow the show on Apple and Spotify. Links are in the show notes. You'll never miss an episode that way. Welcome back, everybody. You know, we talk a lot on this program about communication. And one of the things we've not covered that is such a critical part of communication, and maybe more important even what you say, is your ability to listen to people. It's a huge part of communication. You know, I've taught you before that people don't respond to what they hear or see, they respond to how they feel when they interact with you. And one of the best ways to make somebody feel good is that they feel listened to and that they feel heard. And it's one of the skills that I struggle with the most, which is why I'm so excited to

• 1:17:24Ed Mylett?

  cover this with you today, because quite frankly, it's something that I've struggled with myself, is my ability to just be present and to listen to people. And so, like many of the shows, I'm excited to teach these things to you for your own benefit, but it also helps me in owning this material, and frankly, anything you teach to people, you end up owning more yourself. And so, very, very excited to cover this with you here today. And like I said, it's not something I've been very good at my entire life, is being a great listener, so I want to get right into it. And what caused me to do the show today, it's really two things. I had someone join me on my jet a few weeks ago, on a pretty long flight, and there was a group of people, but one particular guy who's an entrepreneur, and I won't say who he is, but he spent a three-hour flight with me on my jet, so he spent about three hours with me, about a foot and a half from me.

• 1:18:08Ed Mylett?

  And for three straight hours, he did not ask me one question about myself. He did not listen to one thing I had to say, didn't ask me for any advice, and he talked about himself for three hours. And this is somebody, prior to that flight, that I really liked. I was struck, and so were other people in the flight than when they landed, and I don't mean that I'm a big deal or anything like that, but they were shocked by a rising entrepreneur wouldn't take advantage of the time of being with me to ask me questions. I think most of you, if we spent three hours together, you'd probably want to ask me a question or two, and he did not ask me one single question. And he talked about himself, and his life, and his background, and what he had achieved, and what he was going to achieve, and what he was good at, and all those things, and it was probably true. But I found myself, when the flight was over, quite honestly, not liking him quite as much

• 1:18:52Ed Mylett?

  as I did before the flight, because people don't like to hear about you all the time. People want to feel heard, they want to feel listened to, and he didn't do any of that the entire flight, plus the fact, he didn't learn anything that flight. So remember this, I know there's the old adage, that you have two eyes and two ears and one mouth for a reason, and you ought to use them in that ratio, but really, you should even use the, you should use your mouth even less. And so, but, two things happened on that flight. One, he didn't get anything out of it, he didn't learn anything. And two, it made the people around him, quite frankly, not care for him to the extent they could have, because he's a really good guy, but he just talked the entire time. And I don't think he did it out of ego, I think he did it because he was nervous. And so, that's one thing I want you to check in the very beginning, when you get nervous, I do, when you get nervous, do you begin to talk more?

• 1:19:36Ed Mylett?

  One of the great things about my show is that I've had to learn to listen more. And people say all the time, one of the reasons they like my show is I seem so excited and so interested in what people are saying, because I sincerely am. I've learned that being a great listener is easier than being a great talker. Because being a great listener, the pressure's off you to come up with the perfect thing to say, right? The perfect response, the perfect phrase, that sounds smarter or better than somebody. You don't have to do that when you're a great listener. And people's favorite topic, number one, remember this, people's favorite topic is themselves. They love to talk about themselves. One of the things I've found over and over in my life, and my friends get a kick out of this, but when I play golf, you know, you'll spend four or five hours with somebody when you're on a golf course. And oftentimes, my friends will tell me, "Man, Dave really liked you, Ed."

• 1:20:20Ed Mylett?

  Like, "He really enjoyed the time with you, Eddie, so much." But he doesn't know anything about you. And one of the reasons they like me so much is I don't talk about myself. I love to talk about them. I love to ask questions about them. And so it's interesting, when we're done, they really, really like me and they know nothing about me. And they wonder why they like me. But the reason they like me is I allowed them to talk about themselves. Plus the fact, the way I look at life, I already know about me. I'm not gonna learn anything else by talking about myself. I'm gonna learn by asking them questions about them. And so I think being a great listener has lots of benefits. One, people will like you more. Two, you're going to learn more. Three, it takes the pressure off you. And so listening skills are so critical. And even as we cover this, you may say, "I'm a great listener." Well, let's go through some things and see how good we all are.

• 1:21:04Ed Mylett?

  Because even on my show, I'll be honest with you, I watch replays back of my show, and I interrupt too much. I jump in too much. I finish people's sentences for them too often. And that's an ego thing, almost like, "I think I can say it better than them." In fact, I'm so bad at it, I'll be honest with you. Before every show, I tell them, "Hey, this isn't like any other interview you've been on before. I'm gonna interrupt you, you can interrupt me. We'll make it like a real conversation." And all of my guests always politely say, "Wonderful, that's great. I want you to cut me off." But the truth is, that's not how a great conversation goes. It's not two people interrupting each other all the time. It's one person talking, another person listening until they're finished speaking, and then responding. So this is something I'm not very good at. And so I teach this to you today, not being critical of you, but knowing that it's something I'm gonna have to get better at myself. So here we go.

• 1:21:49Ed Mylett?

  Let's talk about some critical steps of being a great listener. You know, there's this thing that's out there too that says, "Hey, when you're speaking to a woman, she doesn't want you to solve her problem. She just wants you to listen to her." You've all heard this before, right? Men, that's different. Let me tell you, none of this stuff is gender-specific. It's not true at all. Nobody wants you to solve their problem necessarily. Not right away. Everybody wants to be heard. Everybody wants to be listened to. Everybody likes to talk about themselves. And so just please remember that. This is not gender-specific. Men and women aren't different on this. Men like to be heard as well. Men like to be important. Men like to be funny. Men like to be interesting. Men wanna share their ideas and thoughts and worries and fears with other people, just like women do. So remember this. You don't always wanna just go solve their problem right away.

• 1:22:34Ed Mylett?

  Next thing is this. Always be asking people for understanding, so that when they say something, when they're finished speaking, ask them, "So what I think you're saying is, or what I'm hearing is," or clarify this for me. Because this shows how deeply you were listening, when you ask for clarification. "And what I'm hearing is..." By the way, when you say the sentence to somebody, "So what I'm hearing is..." That lets them know you were hearing them, that you were listening to them. "So as I was listening to you, this is what I understood." Help me understand. Clarify for me. Because this gives a deeper sense you were listening to somebody. The next thing is what I'm doing right now with you. Make eye contact. Look right at them when you're talking to them. Don't be distracted. Don't look around. Don't look at your phone. The way you tell me I'm important is by looking at me. I have a significant person in my life,

• 1:23:19Ed Mylett?

  and one of the things that drives me crazy is I'm always saying, "Are you listening to me?" And she's always like, "Yes, of course I'm listening to you." And I'm like, "Well, could you look at me and let me know you're listening to me?" I'm not gonna say who that is either. But we all have that person in our life who, they're listening, but they don't know to let us know they're listening. One of the best ways you can do that is by just looking right at somebody, nodding with them when they say something you agree with, right? Smiling when it's funny. Like giving a normal response. And you'd say, "Well, this is basic stuff." You'd be surprised how often you look away, how often you're not focused. The next thing is, check your body language. Are you leaning in? Are you welcoming? Are you warm? Or are your arms crossed when you're talking to somebody? See, I have this tendency, when I'm really listening,

• 1:24:04Ed Mylett?

  I get really drawn in. One of the things I do is I get very serious. And I almost begin to grimace and make a face because I'm so interested, I'm in deep thought. But what happens is, my visual on my face doesn't indicate to them that I'm enjoying what they're saying, or that I'm listening very deeply. So make sure that your facial expression, this may seem basic, but your facial expression matches the moment, matches the emotion. Some other people do something different, they're always smiling when something very serious is being said. That's not an appropriate facial expression, and it looks like you're not listening, or it disconnects the connection, if you will, no pun intended, between you and that person. So check your facial expressions. Make sure you're looking at them. Check your physiology and your body language.

• 1:24:50Ed Mylett?

  The next thing is that when someone's talking, the highest form of listening is to let them finish their sentence. Do not interrupt them. Do not interrupt them. I do this all the time when I get excited. "Oh, really?" Almost like, "I want to jump in and get my point in before they're finished." Or, "I want to sound smarter," or, "If I don't say it now, I'm gonna forget to say it." Probably the number one weakness in my ability in listening to people is my desire and tendency to jump in before they finish their thought. And what that says is, "My thoughts more important than yours. My needs are more important than you." "I'm done listening to what you're saying." Be careful to say things like this when they're talking. "Uh huh, right, got it. Yeah, wow, mm." Because what that does is, it's called a nudge. You're nudging them along verbally to finish.

• 1:25:35Ed Mylett?

  It's like, "Hurry up, I got something to say." "Uh huh, right." And that nudges them verbally. I used to think that those were things I was saying that confirmed what they were saying, but it was really, what was really happening is I would nudge. Better is that when they're done, you say "wow," or "that's interesting." Or you at least respond when they're finished. All responses are wonderful once they're finished speaking. But don't do the verbal nudges that get them to speed up and finish. Don't finish sentences for people next. It's another thing I do. They'll be saying something, and they'll be struggling for a word, and I give them the word. Let them find the word. It's their word, not yours. And you're stealing control of the conversation from them, and making them feel like you're not listening to them. Don't finish their sentences, don't give them better words, don't talk over them, don't interrupt them.

• 1:26:19Ed Mylett?

  These are all things that we all kinda do from time to time, when we get excited. I'm not suggesting if someone does make an incredible point, that you don't begin to laugh or jump in. When it's your pattern with somebody, you're not being a good listener. Also, use acknowledgement statements when they're done. "I agree. That's wonderful. That's amazing. Congratulations." Like, do things like that that acknowledge what they said, because when you acknowledge what they've said, they feel open. That's an invitation to say more. But when you don't acknowledge what they've said, you don't give a statement to it when they're done, then they don't feel comfortable continuing to speak. And so, ask probative questions. So, when you ask somebody, for example, if they're new to you, "Do you have kids?" They say, "Yes, I do." A follow-up question is, "What are their names? What are their ages?"

• 1:27:02Ed Mylett?

  Begin to learn the volley of follow-up questions. The more specific questions you ask, the more, what I call, follow-up questions, the more and more interested you appear to somebody. Let me give you one more huge thing in being a great listener. Where appropriate, you touch somebody. So, when they're talking, if they're leaning in, it's an emotion, and you grab their hand, or you touch their knee. Or when they're finished speaking, you shake their hand, or hug them, or pat them on the shoulder. And by the way, this has to be appropriate, right? Especially when you're talking about different genders. Be very careful of this. But one of the ways you anchor in, "I'm listening to you," is with a touch. It anchors in the emotion. And so, I'll often be careful when I shake their hand of touching them, or touching their shoulder, or hugging them when we're done, or patting them on the shoulder or knee,

• 1:27:45Ed Mylett?

  or something like that, that just acknowledges, "I'm hearing you." If it's a guy, maybe it's a fist pump or a high five, right? But it acknowledges the listening, and it encourages them to continue. So, that is a little bit gender-specific, but I just want to reinforce to you that that just shows you're listening. Then, there's a series of questions I think you should ask yourself, just sort of a checklist of whether or not you're a great listener. So, ask yourself this, in conversations you have, "Do you intend to do more or less talking than the other person?" This is a huge one for me, especially in business, or even in social as well. Do I talk more than them in the conversation? If I've come out of a good conversation, I've talked less than the other person has talked. Man, is this a difficult one for me, particularly when you're in a position of authority with somebody,

• 1:28:28Ed Mylett?

  when they're asking you a lot of questions, and you're just answering. Make sure you're feeding questions back to them. A great conversation... Is at least a 50/50 split, but I think the best of them, they've talked more than me. That way, I think I've given them more of my emotion and caring and concern than they've given to me. So ask yourself, what are your ratios in your average conversations? This is true, by the way, in everything. In your business meetings, in your sales meetings, with your children, with your spouse, with your friends, with someone you're comfortable with for 30 years, and someone you've met for 30 seconds. Who talks more in your exchanges? Number two, when you don't understand what they're saying, do you ask them questions? This is such a huge form of connection with people. Oftentimes, if we don't understand something somebody said,

• 1:29:12Ed Mylett?

  we don't ask them a question about it because it may make us look not so smart or not very prepared. But the way that you really indicate I'm listening to you is, hey, can you help me understand this? And you ask for understanding, "I didn't understand what that word meant," or "I'm not sure who Bill is that you're referring to." "Bill who?" Right? When you begin to ask questions of understanding, the connection deepens with that person. Another question to ask yourself is, when you're in a conversation with somebody, do you often try to figure out what they're going to say before they finish saying it? This is an indication that you're not present with them when you're listening, and you're trying to get them to finish speaking so that you can jump in and say your very important thing. So don't be trying to project forward what they're about to say, because that means you're not listening in the present, and there's a disconnect when you do that. So ask yourself this.

• 1:29:57Ed Mylett?

  Do I often or ever try to project forward what they're going to say before they've said it? Next, do you find yourself just not paying attention when somebody's speaking to you? I mean, maybe you are looking around, or do you find yourself just thinking about other things when people speak to you? This is a value issue. It really means that these other things are more important to you than what this person is saying. And when you begin to build a habit and a pattern of truly not paying attention, one of the reasons I enjoy my interviews so much, and quite frankly, my connection with my guests are so long-lasting after the program. It's because I am so interested in what they're saying. And I'm interested in what all people are saying. If you were my Uber driver, I think my Uber drivers would tell you, "Man, this guy is overly interested in what I'm saying." And my cameraman, Mike, is nodding right now because he's been in enough Ubers with me to know.

• 1:30:42Ed Mylett?

  I talk to everybody. I think people are gifts. And I believe the way you open them up is by asking them questions. And so I don't care if you're a server in a restaurant, my Uber driver, a guest on my show who's worth a billion dollars, or the top athletes in the world. My pattern of conversations with people is very similar. I'm interested in what they're saying sincerely. And I think you should just begin to ask yourself that question. Are you sincerely interested in what they're saying? Because they can feel this intuitively. Another thing to ask yourself is, in a conversation, can you intuitively sort of tell the difference between what somebody is saying and what they really feel? Why is this so important? Because oftentimes, people wear social masks with us, don't they? And they'll tell us things, frankly, that just aren't true or don't completely confirm the way they're feeling about something.

• 1:31:27Ed Mylett?

  And so a deep, deep level of listening is you can almost feel what they really sense about something or what they're really feeling, not just listening to the words. This is a way of connecting with someone. They don't even know you're connecting with them. But their words don't match their feelings. And when you can connect with their real feeling, man, have you not only got influence over them, but most importantly, you've got a connection with them. Next one. In conversations with people, do you find yourself finishing their sentences or supplying them with better words? Don't do that. I have this mistake sometimes where I finish their sentence for them, right? And I think, "Oh, we're connecting. I'm with you." That's not what it does. It disconnects you from somebody when you use a better word or a different one. They say, "You know what? I really was just, um, just really sad." "Oh, you were just really bummed out then, huh?"

• 1:32:12Ed Mylett?

  You've rephrased something for them. Another way of listening, the wrong way, I think, is, do you sometimes only hear the facts and details they're giving and not listening for the emotion behind it? Just listening for the emotion from somebody gives you a much deeper level of connection with them than just listening to the facts and figures. This is important, especially in sales, when someone's giving you facts and figures back. If you can connect with the emotion of it, big, big difference. Lastly, do you struggle with seeing things from that person's perspective? Like really connecting with them, really empathizing with them, really believing in them? This is so important when you're listening to somebody is to really try to connect with their point of view. Because the way you help influence me is if I can meet you where you are, I can take you where we need to go.

• 1:32:56Ed Mylett?

  But if I can't meet you where you are by letting you use your words, your emotions, listening for the emotion behind it, really listening for your point of view. Maybe you sell cars, for example, this person's had a really traumatic time buying cars in the past. They're very skeptical about it. You've got to be able to see it from their point of view. This is true with getting your children to behave differently or interacting with your spouse. It's critical that you meet with them where they are and take them where you're going. So why are all these skills so important, especially from a business perspective? Because this has been very detailed, very granular. The reason it's so important is because to really influence somebody, they have to trust you. And the way you do that is by building rapport with them. So one of the things I used to do incorrectly is I brought all this massive energy. Every people say, "You gotta bring the most energy." The highest energy person does win.

• 1:33:41Ed Mylett?

  But the way that you really influence somebody is by connecting with them and listening, and then matching them physically and their tonality as well. So when I talk back with somebody, I listen for their tonality. I listen to the volume of their voice, the pace of their voice, how they speak. I begin to try to match by listening to them, the words they use, the tonality they use, and the volume they use. If they use a certain set of words from time to time, if you were listening closely, if you then use some of those same words back to them, you connect. So this is a form of influence. If this person sort of repeatedly use the words "literally," "literally," "literally," you've heard that word three or four times. When I'm then gonna be saying my stuff back to them to influence them, I'm gonna use the word "literally."

• 1:34:26Ed Mylett?

  This is a connection word. It's part of the words they love. When I use words they love, I can influence them. This is a huge thing in influence, in closing, in moving people to make decisions that are best for themselves. If they talk at a pace like this, just like I'm talking at this pace right now, and I'm talking like this very fast, I break connection and we can't have rapport. So I want to listen. for the pace that they speak at, the cadence, also the tonality. You know, they talk kind of hunched over and quiet. I want to talk like that and a little bit better. If they talk at a certain volume, if they talk like this, I don't want to talk like this. The same time, if they talk like this, I don't want to talk like this. I wasn't listening for their volume level. We want to match their volume level.

• 1:35:09Ed Mylett?

  And so when you begin to match and mirror like this, use the words they use, just a few of them, don't overcook it. But when they've got three or four words they use and use one or two of those words, I can promise you, you connect. When you speak at a similar pace to them in tonality, you connect. When you speak at a similar volume to them, you connect. If there are hand gestures, as I'm listening and observing them, they use, if they're constantly folding their hands like this. If you're on audio, I'm folding my hands right now. They pray, or they have their hands down, or they do some sort of a gesture with their hands or shoulders. I will oftentimes, I'm watching, this isn't manipulation, this is connecting with people. I'm listening so closely, I can see their physical moves as well.

• 1:35:49Ed Mylett?

  If there's emotions, I hear them go to often, which is regret or sadness, let's just say. They keep telling me stories about things they regret or they're sad of. I will share with them one of the things I regret and bring them with me. If they talk about, you know, past achievements, or they talk about, you know, some material things, then I'll talk about some material things or past achievements. I'm listening for them to give me the language, the words, the tonality that I can move them with. And this is also true in every area, but particularly in influence when we're trying to persuade people. So the reason this is so important is people have go-to words. And so if you're really listening closely, not only are you connecting better with me, but they will tell you the three or four words they use a lot. Every human being does this, by the way, you do it too. You have a few words you use more than most.

• 1:36:34Ed Mylett?

  And if someone's really listening closely, they can hear what those words are. And if I use one or two of those words back with you, I've connected with you on a deeper level. The next thing that's huge, by the way, in listening, is to repeat back to them what you believe they've just said. Repeat back to them what you've heard. This is what I've heard, this is what I'm hearing, this is what I'm listening to. This is true when I'm interacting with my children. Before I just tell them I want to do something, I listen to them and I say here's what daddy's hearing is this true and that's really been bothering you regularly is this something so when I'm listening to them they know I'm listening use acknowledgement statements it's not done enough people love to be complimented I love to be complimented you do so after I've listened to you after you've told me what you need to tell me

• 1:37:15Ed Mylett?

  I want you to learn this sentence everybody right now I just want to acknowledge you I think you're amazing I think you're incredible thank you for sharing this with me that's awesome and it might be with guys you don't say hey bro that was cool thanks man man I always love connecting with you brother you're my brother right always do a connection statement always do an acknowledgement that's why I love you man whatever it is you know people talk differently depending on who they're around someone even known 30 years different than someone even known 30 minutes but the fact of the matter is I always do connection man I love you brother thank you so much that's why we're so close man that's why I love being around you whatever it is you begin to say acknowledgement statements to somebody because it it connects the conversation it's what I call a post frame after someone said something the last thing I want you to focus on children spouse business

• 1:37:57Ed Mylett?

  brand new person in a social environment or someone you know in 30 years acknowledge them thank you that was awesome great meeting you if they're new right I get out of there I go man I enjoyed our time so much thank you that's post framing what we just talked about if it's someone I've been with a long time say brother man that's why I love you bro that's why I love you and then other people it's like that's you always just inspire me you fire me up thank you I love how vulnerable you are whatever it is I just want to acknowledge you I just want to tell you how much I appreciate you I just want to thank you I just want to tell you you're awesome I just want to tell you I believe in you do an acknowledgement statement that post frames what you've covered and I promise you you've now put a bow around one of being one of the great listeners that anyone will ever be around it's going to make you one of the most well liked and most influential people

• 1:38:39Ed Mylett?

  that you know and by the way isn't that we're after in life being well liked and being influential and that usually comes down not to being an incredible orator but being an incredible listener and these are the skills and these skills matter in every area and building a church and building a boy scout troop and building a softball team and building a business and building any family anything in life is that we want to be able to be liked and have influence and that always comes down to what we make people feel and more than anything people feel Great when they've been able to talk about themselves, but most importantly, they feel listened to, connected with, and acknowledged. Listened to, connected with, and acknowledged. This is how we have influence over people. This is also how we make a difference in people's lives.

• 1:39:21Ed Mylett?

  The final piece of the puzzle is this, is that because of social media, we have such an advantage, and I just want to tell you something that doesn't happen enough. But when it has happened for you, man, does it feel like the connection's even deeper. It doesn't matter what it is, is that when your separation from that person takes place and they leave you, especially if they don't live with you, whether that be a client, a best friend, a new friend, or someone you just met. Following up a little while later with a text that just says, "I enjoyed our time so much. I enjoyed listening to you. Thanks for sharing this with me." And maybe repeating back to them what you heard a little bit of. And when you do that, it cements them. Not only did he listen to me, or she listened to me in my presence, but they continued to listen to me after I was gone. They continued to connect with me.

• 1:40:05Ed Mylett?

  And this extends the connection and deepens the connection. When after you physically separated, and even by the way, if this communication happened by phone and you weren't physically with them, for you to follow up after a phone call with a text a few hours later that just says, "Man, I enjoyed the talk so much. Thanks for sharing that with me." Or, "Always love when we connect," or "You always make me laugh," or "I'm so glad we're new friends now. I feel like I've made a new friend." Whatever it is, you strengthen and deepen the connection with people by letting them know later, "Hey, I heard you. Hey, I listened to you." So not only doing great in their presence, but later confirming for them, "I was with you. I heard you. I enjoyed it. I want to acknowledge you." Man, have you deepened the fact that you've listened to them.

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