Jared Freid & Jordana Abraham: Dating App Burnout? Do THIS 30-Day Challenge to Stop Wasting Time and FINALLY Meet the Right Person

Are you making time for the kind of love you want? Do you feel like you’re ready to stop repeating old patterns? Today, Jay welcomes Jared Freid and Jordana Abraham, hosts of the hit dating podcast U Up?, for a candid, lighthearted look at modern love. Together with Jay, they unpack why dating feels tougher than ever, from app burnout to myths about what it means to be “dateable,” and how negativity online makes the process feel heavier than it is. Instead of rigid rules, they offer a mindset shift: lead with curiosity, keep your attitude light, and build on a life you already love, not one you expect someone else to complete. The conversation dives deeper into the nuances of attraction, commitment, and the subtle ways we self-sabotage. Jared shares how men often end relationships early, not out of rejection, but out of fear of responsibility and the lure of endless options. Jordana, emphasizes how mindset is 70% of dating, and how showing up fulfilled and confident makes you more magnetic than trying to “fit” someone else’s ideal. Together they discuss the unrealistic pressures of the social media highlight reel and how that can warp expectations and undermine authentic connections. In this interview, you'll learn: How to Date Without the Negativity How to Be the Best Version of Yourself on a Date How to Turn Confusion Into Clear Boundaries How to Avoid Self-Sabotaging in Relationships How to Stay Grounded Amid Social Media Comparisons How to Build Confidence by Building a Full Life Outside Dating The most powerful shift you can make is choosing to approach love with openness, positivity, and confidence in your own worth. When you lead with curiosity instead of fear, with joy instead of judgment, you not only create better connections, but you also become more grounded in who you are. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe here. What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 03:36 Negativity Doesn't Make You a Better Dater 07:55 Dating Burnout 14:27 You Shouldn’t Just Rely on Dating Apps! 18:06 The Checklist for Dating 22:34 Staying Single in Your 40s 23:59 The #1 Reason Why Men Go on Dates 27:05 Attitude Is Everything 29:45 What is The Best Relationship Advice? 21:18 How to Be the Best Version of Yourself 35:19 Don't Fall for Social Media Relationships 36:01 Using ChatpGPT to Create Messages 39:00 Why Small Talks Matter 42:06 Do Men Actually Have More Dating Options? 44:51 The One That Got Away 47:42 Are Men and Women Different in Long-Term Relationships? 50:15 Difficult Conversations Every Couple Needs to Have 52:20 The Fear Most Men Have When Dating 57:28 What Makes a Successful Marriage? 01:03:27 Marriage is Choosing Your Partner Every Day 01:05:30 Jared and Jordana on Final Five Episode Resources: U Up? | YouTube U Up? | Instagram U Up? | X U Up? | TikTok See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:30Jay Shetty?

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• 1:12Jay Shetty?

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• 1:56Jay Shetty?

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• 2:08Speaker 02

  Dating apps should be used like in the same way that fast food is. I don't think you should say never ever eat fast food. People have these like black and white views towards the dating apps. I think they're great in moderation and you need to be controlling the way you use them. You can't just be on it scrolling mindlessly. There's a time and a place for dating apps and people should use them like when they make sense, when they can't be out there socialising, when they're really busy with work, but it shouldn't be the only tool in their, in their tool shed.

• 2:35Speaker 03

  People are afraid to say like, I'm just tired of them. People look at dating as it's like on off switch. It's just like a part of your life. Hang out with your friends who are in relationships once a month. Join a fitness class. Go out to eat once a week without your phone. The app, we have to realise the crutch. We have to acknowledge who these apps were created for and by because they're not for you. Most people listening are pretty social people. You can do it.

• 3:00Speaker 04

  The number one health and wellness podcast.

• 3:03Speaker 03

  Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty.

• 3:09Jay Shetty?

  Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the place you come to become happier, healthier and more healed. I'm so excited because today I get to invite into the studio, two people that I've had the pleasure of getting to know over the last few years. I've been on their show like three times now and I always have the best time with them. I felt like we hit it off immediately and it's got more fun every time. So it is an honour to have them on the On Purpose studio. I'm talking about Jared Freed and Jordana Abraham, the hosts of the hit dating and relationship podcast. You up if you haven't subscribed already, make sure you go and do that. They break down the confusing, chaotic and hilarious world of modern dating, which I know all of you need a lot of help with. Jared is a stand-up comedian and writer. His work has been featured on Netflix and Comedy Central.

• 3:54Jay Shetty?

  And Jordana is the co-founder of Betches, a digital media brand with a reach of over 40 million across platforms and a leading voice on dating, self-development and modern relationships. Please welcome to On Purpose Jordana and Jared.

• 4:08Speaker 03

  Great to be here. Thank you so much.

• 4:10Jay Shetty?

  Great to have you guys.

• 4:11Speaker 02

  We're so excited.

• 4:11Speaker 03

  What an intro. Yeah, I mean, you do everything. You do everything right, you know, like I'm just sitting here listening to your intro. I'm like, man, he's nailing it.

• 4:19Speaker 02

  Got it down.

• 4:20Speaker 03

  Just has it down. Like even when you introduce the podcast, like this is the podcast for, you know, you, you tell people what they're listening to. I'm like, I feel like I'm in like a, you know,

• 4:29Speaker 02

  It's a real professional.

• 4:30Speaker 03

  Yeah, this is a pro. This is a pro.

• 4:32Speaker 02

  You know, we, we run a lot of podcasts. This is a professional.

• 4:34Speaker 03

  This is a pro. Yeah.

• 4:35Jay Shetty?

  You guys are pros. The tables have turned today, though.

• 4:38Speaker 03

  Right.

• 4:38Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 4:39Jay Shetty?

  I get a quiz you and make Jared feel uncomfortable.

• 4:41Speaker 03

  Right. That was always, that's always my goal when you come on our show. I'm like, how can I get Jay shabby?

• 4:46Speaker 02

  You mess with him a little bit.

• 4:47Speaker 03

  A little bit like.

• 4:49Jay Shetty?

  And I love it.

• 4:49Speaker 03

  And you nail it. It's just always a surprise. I mean.

• 4:52Speaker 02

  He always knows how to, how to take your annoying questions and turn them into, uh, and, and own them.

• 4:58Speaker 03

  To own them and then you turn them. I've said this to many people. I just, I don't want to take over your show.

• 5:02Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, you are, you are doing that.

• 5:04Speaker 03

  I'm doing that right now and, and your audience is like, I hate this guy. He won't shut up. Let Jay do his thing. But I have to say what a great guy you are. I, I, I, cause I did this bit when you came on the show, where I was like, Jay, can you give pep talks to people who are going through it? And then I read this whole sad monologue about my life and it wasn't me saying it was me. And I, but I, I was joking, but like, you know, sometimes sad stories are meant to be funny. And you took it and you were like, you are enough. And then I texted you later that day. You texted me first. Hey, man, had a great time. And just remember, you are enough. It's the sweetest text I have ever gotten in my entire, I want to make sure it's on camera on podcast because I can't.

• 5:45Speaker 02

  He's like this, they're gonna cut this.

• 5:47Speaker 03

  Right. Get rid of that sappy shit. Uh, let's talk about dating. Yeah. I, I just have to say, cause I, I, I, you know, sometimes you listen to people, you go, what do they like off camera? That's like the, is truly the nicest text I've ever gotten. Yeah.

• 6:01Jay Shetty?

  I'm gonna send more of them now.

• 6:02Speaker 03

  Please. It, it improved my whole day. Yeah. Or month, whatever. I'm still talking about it.

• 6:07Jay Shetty?

  The feeling's mutual. You guys have been so kind of had me on three times. We have the best time ever. And, and I, and I love the side of me you bring out. I don't always get to show that. I don't always get to show that fun, playful, energetic side on my platform. So it's that's a part of me that I get to share with both of you. And so you give me an opportunity to do that, but.

• 6:23Speaker 03

  You always play, you always are game. That's the thing. And I, you know, we appreciate that so much because some, you know, we talk about dating and relationships, which is like a very personal thing, you know, so.

• 6:33Jay Shetty?

  And that's what we want to talk about today. Yes. Because my audience, community, I've got groups of friends. I've got so many people have written in, we've, we've scoured the world to prepare for this podcast. But the first thing I wanted to start off with is dating, you guys know everything about it. You're doing it, Jared. You're done. You're not doing it anymore, but it's a part of your life. Yeah. What's your hot take on current dating? Like what's, what's the take? What's the viewpoint that you think is surprising you right now? That's different right now on dating?

• 7:04Speaker 03

  I think the negativity that's out there right now, while it's founded, like you can always be negative about dating. And you'll find a million people that will help you like. You'll find a million people that will back you up and tell you how right you are for being negative about it. But it's the least helpful thing for your dating life. And it's not the thing that's going to get you on the first date. It's not the thing that's going to make you a better dater. It's the only thing that you can find other people to cheer you on for that actually makes your dating life worse.

• 7:34Jay Shetty?

  Wow, that's a good one. I like that. Yeah, a hundred percent agree.

• 7:37Speaker 03

  Cause I do these dating pep talks all the time and I, it's a joke. It's a pointing out. Why like that I heard a relationship and I heard this couple get in a fight. And then I talk about how lucky you are to be single. And I point that out and you see so many people that are just like. It's almost like crazy to me that they never thought of it.

• 7:58Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 7:58Speaker 03

  Like being single is a good thing. You're hopeful. You're looking for to make your life better, you know? And I think all you hear about is maybe that you're doing it wrong or do this or do that. And it's like, whatever you're doing is fine. You're you. It's going to work out. But I think the negativity that we see online, like. That's easy to do because it's like biting a mosquito bite. It feels pretty good, but it's not really helping you.

• 8:21Jay Shetty?

  That's a great perspective. I was just talking to my, one of my producers, she's in a long distance relationship and she was saying every night she goes home right now, she turns on her favorite show and she just binge watches it. And all of our reaction was like, oh, okay. And she was like, I sit alone on the couch. And she was like, but actually this is the last time I'm ever gonna get to do this. So I'm loving it. Like that mindset of actually, oh, wow, like this is the last time ever. It's just gonna be me on my couch binge watching whichever show I want and looking at it positively, rather than the negative of that. And I think that's, you're so right. And I want to dive into that. But I want to hear Jordan as first.

• 8:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think going off of that, I think, you know, we talk about like, you know, no one wants to hear diet and exercise if for like, you know, fitness or losing weight. But like, I think that I totally agree with Jared. I think the diet and exercise of like dating is really like going into anything you're doing in the dating space with a good attitude and then having a full life outside of dating. So it's not the only thing that you're focused on because I do think attitude is like 70% of it. Like, I think it's such an underrated part. I think so many people think if I just keep going on more dates, more is more. And I'm kind of there, but I don't want to be there. I'm in a negative mindset. I'm on the apps still. I'm so annoyed. I'm still on the apps. You become, you, you go on the dates and you think you're actually trying, but you're, you're bringing not like a, a fun,

• 9:41Speaker 02

  exciting version of yourself that someone would want to date, someone with a full life, someone who just thinks someone would add to their already great life. And you're kind of expecting someone to fill in what's missing. And I think that's really what holds people back and they don't even realize they're doing it.

• 9:56Speaker 03

  And when you're holding back, like more on that, just like when you're holding back and you're being negative, like you're, you're not being your full self. So you're not even bringing people into your world. Like you want, and, and like, we're not, we're not this like woo woo podcast. We're not there telling like, there's nothing more annoying than like cheer up from your married friend. Oh, you'll find it when you're not looking. It's like, Goff, you know, like, that's not, that's not advice, that's not helpful. But it's like, the minute you give into like, I got this great life. I'm looking for someone to make it better. I'm not looking for just anyone. Then you start to have taste, you know, and that's something where people are so afraid to even like admit. They go, I'm confused.

• 10:41Speaker 03

  That's what you hear from people dating. I'm confused. No, you're turned off. Change the wording. Now it's powerful. Now you have taste. Now you have ownership over like, oh, I do like and dislike things. I am looking for certain things in a partner. Like, you know, living your full life, like, when you say, these are the things I do. You're willing to have someone go, I don't do that. And you can go, good, get out of here.

• 11:03Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, yeah, I like that. So let's apply that to what everyone's saying right now, where there's this mass fatigue around dating apps. You both hear it more than anyone, where every other person you speak to is just like, I'm sick of the dating apps. I'm tired of the dating apps. I hear it all the time as well. How do you then apply that to the fatigue around dating apps? So when people are saying to you, hey, I'm exhausted, you're not saying cheer up. What are you saying?

• 11:28Speaker 02

  I mean, I think dating apps should be used like in the same way that fast food is like.

• 11:32Jay Shetty?

  Tell me.

• 11:33Speaker 02

  I don't think you should say, never, ever eat fast food. You know, it's gonna ruin your life. And I think people have these like black and white views towards the dating app. I think they're great in moderation and you need to be controlling the way you use them, just like anything else on the internet. Just like Instagram or TikTok. Like, you can't just be on it scrolling mindlessly. You can't just be on it swiping mindlessly. I think there's a time and a place for dating apps. And people should use them like when they make sense, when they can't be out there socializing, when they're really busy with work. But it shouldn't be the only tool in their, in their tool shed. Because just like with fast food, if you eat it all the time, you're gonna feel sick. If you eat it on a road trip every now and then, that's fine. You're like, and indulge and have a great time, but like, don't make that the only, make that your entire lifestyle.

• 12:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, and we have to like acknowledge that. Like, I think people are afraid to say like, I'm just tired of them. Like, you hear that, but like, if you went to McDonald's every day, if you went to fast food every day, and someone was like, yeah, I've eaten, uh, you know, fast food every day for the last week. I'm tired of it. You would go, yeah, you should take some time off of that.

• 12:35Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 12:36Speaker 03

  Like, we wouldn't look at that person and go, well, you're not trying. Stop going for fast food. Like, people look at dating as this like on off switch. It's just like a part of your life. And I don't know, it's just, it's we like right now I'm doing. We've said on the podcast, we're doing a summer challenge. Okay. Okay. Here's the summer challenge. Delete the apps. You're doing it too. I'm doing it too. I'm single. You're deleting all the apps. Deleted all the apps. Okay. This is for June, July, August. And how many apps is that for you? Seventeen. No, I I was on one app at the time. Deleted it. Okay. June, July, August. That's the promise. Okay. Okay. And then what's your plan?

• 13:16Speaker 03

  The plan is, uh, hang out with your friends who are in relationships once a month. Okay. Make one plan a month with like Jordan and her and her husband. My brother and his wife. Make a plan with someone who's married or in a relationship. Then join a fitness class. Do something different. Do a different fitness class, whatever it is. Go out to eat once a week, every Wednesday without your phone. On your own. Put on your own, put in your pocket, put your phone in your pocket, look up. Because we're kind of like addicted to these things. Like the app, we have to realize is a crutch. It was made by male nerds to try and be social. If you think about it. Yeah. The app, you never get dumped on an app. You never get broken up with, you never hear a no.

• 14:01Speaker 03

  It's swipe left, that's a no from you. Swipe right, you either get a match right away or you get nothing. And when you get nothing, what does your brain go? Guess they haven't seen me yet. That was invented by someone who didn't want to go up to someone in public and experience public failure. Oh, that's good. So we have to acknowledge who these apps were created for and by. Because they're not for you. Most people listening are pretty social people. You can do it. But you, but sometimes we need to like, create these little games like we're doing with this like, challenge. To get yourself out there because the phone is so addictive. So like I go to dinner on a Wednesday, I sit at the bar and I look up. That's it. I'm not promising you a boyfriend. I've been going by the way, that's interesting.

• 14:45Speaker 03

  Great. I have conversations. I have stories. I have experiences. Hanging out with your married friends? That is the, that's the answer. Because, and I speak from the guy perspective on the podcast, like of course, but I'm like, I speak for myself. We talked about not saying this anymore, but we see, we're not experts, okay? No one's a dating expert. We are, I'm just an expert in my own feelings and my own experiences. So when I talk on the show, like, I was thinking of like, we have so many women who their response to like hang out with their married friends is like, they don't know anybody. They, oh, my friends husbands, they don't know any of their friends. They don't, they never have a guy for me. It's like, first of all, don't hang out with your married friends to get something from it.

• 15:28Speaker 03

  Hang out with your married friends to hang with them and have a good time and be you. Okay? And if you do that, what you want from that experience is for the husband to go, oh, yeah, Jessica's pretty cool. That's all you want. Why does Coca-Cola still have ads? So you think of Coca-Cola the first drink when you need a soda. That's such a good point. Same thing. You want to make yourself Coca-Cola to your, to your married friends because that husband does know people. Yeah. He is talking. Yeah. But he, man, we don't care about dating and relationships. That's why men don't listen to our podcast. You know, like. Right now you're RC Cola, right? Right, right, right, right. They're going, oh, I guess I haven't thought of them lately, but when, if you make yourself,

• 16:10Speaker 03

  the first thought in their brain when cool chick comes up? Cause it's gonna happen, but that's the thing. So when I hang out with like my brother and his wife and, you know, I'm doing that with his wife, but in my, you know, my brother's my brother, but like, you know, if I go hanging out with Jordana and her husband, like, he's gonna, you know, he comes across, I'm the first thought on it. Why? We'll see.

• 16:34Speaker 03

  But I think.

• 16:35Speaker 02

  First person he's thinking about every day.

• 16:36Speaker 03

  And these are like the things that don't go viral on there.

• 16:39Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 16:39Speaker 03

  You know, you know that.

• 16:40Jay Shetty?

  That's a great point.

• 16:41Speaker 03

  You know, negativity goes viral, salacious stories go viral, not, hey, go out with your married friends.

• 16:47Speaker 02

  Well, it's like.

• 16:47Jay Shetty?

  We're gonna make you go.

• 16:48Speaker 02

  It's like loose ties, right?

• 16:49Speaker 03

  Right, loose ties. Where do we get that from?

• 16:51Speaker 02

  Um, Meg something, sorry. Forgot her last name.

• 16:55Speaker 03

  Right, but we've, we've, you know, our podcast, we've just collected all these experiences that we hear the, the voices of so many people and how they're going through it. And I'm not doubting that.

• 17:06Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 17:06Speaker 03

  It's hard, but it's, that's also the fatigue element.

• 17:10Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 17:10Speaker 03

  Dating apps just get you more, not better, more.

• 17:14Speaker 02

  Right.

• 17:15Speaker 03

  It's more intros, which are good, more breakups, more, more disappointment, you know, more conversations. If you had more conversations a day, you're gonna find more annoying people a day. So of course you're gonna have more stories that are, are negative.

• 17:29Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 17:30Speaker 03

  So the, the fatigue is really, you know, the, yeah, the numbers of it all.

• 17:34Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I can't remember the exact math, but Tim Ferriss had broken it down. He was like, for every hundred people, there's like five narcissists, one psychopath. And so when you have like a million followers, you're gonna have, you know, the same percentage of narcissists, psychopaths. It's the same on a dating app. If you, yeah.

• 17:51Speaker 03

  Like I think I use, uh, sweet and low in my coffee. It's like the strongest sweetener. And everyone's gonna tell me that I'm gonna have a heart attack and I'm gonna die. I'm, I'm okay with that. For, for a sweeter coffee, I'm okay. But it, you know, dating apps are like sweet and low. Like, you're gonna, it's really gonna hit you. You know, going to a bar and trying to meet someone new is like putting sugar in your drink. It's not gonna, you're, you're only gonna get a, you're gonna need a lot more sugar.

• 18:18Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 18:19Speaker 02

  But it's gonna, it's gonna be a better quality drink. And when you said this, it's like, no, you don't need a dating app in the summer.

• 18:25Speaker 03

  No.

• 18:25Speaker 02

  Right?

• 18:26Speaker 03

  You don't eat in the summer.

• 18:27Jay Shetty?

  Right.

• 18:28Speaker 03

  You are out in the summer. You're taking vacations in the summer. You're hanging with friends in the summer.

• 18:31Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, hence you're doing the challenge now.

• 18:33Speaker 03

  That's why I'm doing the challenge. I mean.

• 18:34Jay Shetty?

  So what's the complete challenge? Lay it out again so that everyone else can do it.

• 18:36Speaker 03

  The summer dating challenge is delete the apps, just get off them. We'll, we'll come back in September.

• 18:41Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 18:41Speaker 02

  Yes. Doesn't have to be forever.

• 18:43Speaker 03

  No, doesn't have to be forever.

• 18:44Speaker 02

  You can never eat McDonald's.

• 18:45Jay Shetty?

  It's the end of the season. You gotta wait for the next season.

• 18:47Speaker 03

  Wait for the next season. Um, and see how it goes. We've tried the apps. You hate them.

• 18:52Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 18:52Speaker 03

  So, so let's try something new. Uh, go to dinner once a week by yourself, phone in pocket. Don't take out your phone. Make it a challenge to yourself. Go to a new fitness class. Just because that gets you out and active and doing something new. Hang out with your married friend and their husband, married friend and their wife. Once a month. Make a plan. It doesn't have to be a vacation. Doesn't have to be anything crazy. Just hang out with them. And have a good time. And I do think the, the feedback I'm gonna give is like, if you come to me and go, well, I didn't work. I think you've looked at it the wrong way. And we're on a wellness podcast. We can think of the intrinsic value of hanging out with your friends. I hope the listenership can understand that.

• 19:34Jay Shetty?

  For sure.

• 19:35Speaker 03

  Because with dating, some people go, well, where's my boyfriend? And I go, you don't sound like someone I would ever want to date.

• 19:41Speaker 02

  Right. Well, then again, at the, at the end of the, at the end of the, um, challenge, you go back on the apps and you're a more invigorated, more energized.

• 19:49Speaker 03

  Right.

• 19:49Speaker 02

  Yourself who's not saying.

• 19:50Jay Shetty?

  Fast food example, which I love.

• 19:52Speaker 02

  Who's not saying, hey, as their opening line, because you're more, you know, you're, you're putting more energy into the interactions that you are having.

• 19:58Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I do that like once a week, like once, once every two weeks, I have mentally been so disciplined. And focused on work, working out, eating right, all the rest of it, that I need a day where I don't care. And so usually Saturday night is that day. I have this, there's this, I have no idea how this place, I don't wanna, no, I don't wanna get them sued, but I don't know. I have no idea how this place exists. There's this place in L A called Mr. Charlie's. It is vegan McDonald's.

• 20:26Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 20:27Jay Shetty?

  Go outside, it looks like McDonald's. They have an upside down frown. They have a smiley face like.

• 20:31Speaker 02

  That's so funny.

• 20:32Jay Shetty?

  From the outset, it's yellow and red. Like, it literally looks like McDonald's. I, as someone who grew up going to McDonald's, but now I'm vegan, I don't eat meat, have been searching for vegan McDonald's my whole life. I've now found it. And the fries taste the same, the chicken nuggets taste the same, the mayo tastes the same, the lettuce tastes the same. So Saturday, usually once every two weeks, I will eat chicken nuggets, fries, burger, whatever it is. But it's that feeling of like, come Monday morning, I'm reinvigorated to work out again.

• 21:00Speaker 02

  Exactly, yeah.

• 21:01Jay Shetty?

  My discipline again, because I've allowed my brain this space to go there.

• 21:06Speaker 02

  Yes, and you probably enjoy it so much more than if you had it, if you had it every day.

• 21:10Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 21:11Speaker 02

  You wouldn't feel great.

• 21:12Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 21:13Speaker 02

  Right.

• 21:13Jay Shetty?

  One thing I've been getting a lot, though, and this kind of comes from the point that Jared was talking about. Right now, I have so many single female friends that I think are amazing.

• 21:24Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 21:24Jay Shetty?

  That I'd love to introduce to good men. And now it's hitting me right now that I've not thought of Jared before, so now I need to.

• 21:31Speaker 02

  Uh oh.

• 21:32Jay Shetty?

  Now I need to change that up and, uh, yeah, I've got.

• 21:37Jay Shetty?

  I'm like, you weren't front of mind. You weren't Coca-Cola for me. You didn't come hang out.

• 21:40Speaker 02

  I, I, I messed up, yeah.

• 21:42Jay Shetty?

  But I feel like I have at least, let me think, I have at least three to five female friends.

• 21:50Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 21:50Jay Shetty?

  Who I think are awesome, like genuinely think are awesome. They're, they're the, oh yeah, she's really cool.

• 21:56Speaker 02

  Right.

• 21:56Jay Shetty?

  Like, they're smart, they're thoughtful, they're beautiful, all the rest of it. And I actually struggle to think of single men I know, and, and that's not, but I'm not saying that they're not good men out there. I'm saying I don't know many single men. As a married man, I think most of my friends are married or in long-term committed relationships. And they're just struggling out there as well. What are you seeing from a woman's perspective? Because to a lot of them, what they're experiencing is we're strong, confident, ambitious women. And a lot of men are intimidated by that.

• 22:26Speaker 02

  Yes, I think this is a conversation where I'm seeing all over the place now. I think it's like a very, feels like a very hot, hot topic now to, to kind of look at the available single woman. I totally agree with you. I know so many amazing single women. I really don't know that many. I only know one amazing single guy. No, I really don't know that, that many otherwise. And I do think part of it is, women are much more likely to want to date men who have the same education levels as them or higher, or make the same amount of money of them as higher or higher. And I think men are not necessarily looking for that. So I think there's a bigger pool for men of women that they'll be interested in. So I do think women, I don't want to, I don't like the term dating up or dating, you know, but I think like when you just look at

• 23:10Speaker 02

  objective things like education or money, a lot of women don't want to date people who are less educated or have less money than them.

• 23:17Speaker 03

  To, to, to add on to this, I'm sorry to interrupt. The men go by one thing. Am I attractive?

• 23:23Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 23:24Speaker 03

  That's it. That's the checklist.

• 23:26Speaker 02

  Right, well, that, that allows.

• 23:27Speaker 03

  That, that means that could be, that, that's infinite.

• 23:31Speaker 02

  Right.

• 23:31Speaker 03

  What you're talking about is a checklist that women do. Are they safe? Are they educated? Are they, they have the ability to like, are they hard work or are they good dad? These are all things that they're thinking about, like even on the app.

• 23:42Speaker 02

  And there's, right, and there's fewer, I think, men who meet that criteria. For women who are maybe, I don't want to say more selective, but are just looking at things in a different way. And I think as opposed to how things were 20 or 50 years ago, more women are college educated than men. Women are making more money than they ever have before. And so I think the, the pool, especially as you get older of men who are at your level or higher, if that's what you're looking for in terms of like those things, is just smaller. So I think it just becomes like a numbers game. And I don't know if the solution is for people to be more open minded, or if the solution is, you know what I mean? Or, because I think there's still a little bit of a double standard around a man who makes less money than his wife. Or a man, a man that's, has less education than his wife. So I think that.

• 24:27Speaker 02

  I mean, I would hope that as the times change, people are a little bit more open minded in both directions.

• 24:32Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 24:32Speaker 03

  And I think also, like, we do this all the time. We, we've talked about this. Where are the single men? And like, you just said it. I've said this a million times. I don't know, even as a single man, like.

• 24:43Jay Shetty?

  I'm not a single guy friend.

• 24:44Speaker 03

  Right. I don't even know where they would be. Like, I, I actually, it's become like, kind of a joke on the show of like, where are these guys? Because if there's all these women, but also this dating and relationships is a topic for women. They get together to talk about this. This is something that men just don't generally get it together and talk about. So it might not be as, you know, in the atmosphere for me, you know, like.

• 25:07Speaker 02

  To that level, right. It's, I think, dating and relationships seems more like a priority for a lot of women. Just societally, they've been told that that's something they should be thinking about from, you know, 21 years old is like what their future is and who their husband's gonna be and what they're getting. I don't think men are given that pressure. If a man goes home for the holidays, he's asked about his job. He's asked about what's going on at, at, at work. He's not necessarily, most of the time, being asked about who he's dating. I think that's a question that women are getting a lot more and that they're much more invested in finding a partner than a lot of men are around, at least men in a similar age group.

• 25:41Jay Shetty?

  So wait, Jared, you're saying you don't have lots of single guy friends?

• 25:44Speaker 03

  No, that not at all. That's the thing. Like, I'm not rolling with a group. Like, when you hear a woman get broken up with, like, the first thing that, like, a lot of their friends do, they're like, I know these other single women. Like, they'll try and, like, fix them up with single women to go out with. They're like, their new Miranda, Carrie, you know, Samantha crew. I've never even heard of that for a guy. Like, oh, you gotta meet my other guy friend. And even you were like, hey, because I moved to Delray Beach, I'm in Florida. And, and Jordan and I was like, oh, my friends live down there. Do you want to, like, hang out?

• 26:15Speaker 02

  Want a friend?

• 26:16Speaker 03

  Right, do you want a friend? I was like, no, I don't want a friend. I want to go be lonely at a coffee shop and look at the sun, you know, like I, you know, like, I don't want, like, and it's weird because that's my initial reaction. Of course I want friends.

• 26:28Speaker 02

  Where are all the friendless men?

• 26:29Speaker 03

  Right, yeah. But I have friends, but I swear, I got friends. You know, like, I sound very defensive. I, but like, I, I don't know, like, I've thought about this. Like, it is the one thing where I'm like, the numbers aren't this off.

• 26:42Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 26:43Speaker 03

  But I don't know, because I even, like, my college friends, mostly married. You know, a couple divorces in there, high school friends. I got a lot of those still mostly married.

• 26:54Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 26:55Speaker 03

  But I don't really, you know, I'm forty, I'm single and we just, we just don't hear from, you know, uh, uh, you know, I, I know I'm not alone.

• 27:05Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, yeah, no, I was, I was talking to a couple of guys I know who are probably, yeah, late thirties, early forties as well. And they were single and I sent them a couple of pictures of certain girls that I know that are friends of mine that are looking and, you know, all that kind of stuff. And it was like, immediately, it was the point that you said, immediately he was like, nah, she's not, you know.

• 27:24Speaker 03

  Not for me.

• 27:24Jay Shetty?

  Not for me. And it was an attraction thing, but it was so like instant.

• 27:30Speaker 02

  Right. Whereas a woman will say like, tell me more about him. Right. Yeah.

• 27:33Jay Shetty?

  And it was also like, I wouldn't necessarily say that he was out of her league. He just felt he had more choice.

• 27:40Speaker 03

  Listen, let me, well, I, I'll, I'll go back at that.

• 27:44Speaker 02

  Things to unpack.

• 27:45Speaker 03

  Right. Because I don't think that's why men are saying, I have all these choices.

• 27:50Jay Shetty?

  Before we dive into the next moment, let's hear from our sponsor.

• 27:55Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by Indeed. I know how important every hire is for a business. If you need to make the right hire, this is a job for sponsored jobs. Indeed sponsored jobs helps find quality candidates when you need the most. You can reach who you need based on whatever criteria you're looking for, like skills, certifications or location. In fact, people are finding quality hires on Indeed right now. In the minute I've been talking to you, companies like yours made twenty seven hires on Indeed, according to Indeed data worldwide. Spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes. Listeners of this show will get a seventy five dollar sponsored job credit at indeed.com/podcast.

• 28:38Jay Shetty?

  That's indeed.com/podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Need to hire? This is a job for Indeed sponsored jobs.

• 28:46Jay Shetty?

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• 29:30Jay Shetty?

  The best habits are the ones we hardly notice, the ones that quietly shape the way we move through life, giving us the confidence to focus on what really matters. That's Mazda's approach to safety. Every Mazda is designed with proactive safety features that help keep you more aware, more connected and more engaged with your drive, so you can stay present behind the wheel. That commitment has earned Mazda recognition as Consumer Reports' safest new car brand. And as of July 2026, Mazda has won more 2026 IIHS Top Safety Pick Plus awards than any other car brand. Visit www.iihs.org to learn more. A lot can happen when an accident doesn't. Mazda, more of what matters to you.

• 30:13Jay Shetty?

  Visit MazdaUSA.com to learn more. Consumer Reports does not endorse products or services. Thanks for taking a moment for that. Now, back to the discussion.

• 30:24Speaker 03

  So like I, I think that's something that's easy to like put on single men to like hate on them.

• 30:29Jay Shetty?

  No, so I'm asking.

• 30:29Speaker 03

  I, I would say that, I mean, I've said this on the show many, like, guys, there's a pro and con, there's, there's, life is gravity, right? The, the, the, the thing is, a guy will not go out with you unless he's attracted to you. That's just, no, no other questions, just like your friend.

• 30:47Speaker 02

  Is it that black and white?

• 30:48Speaker 03

  It's that black and white.

• 30:50Speaker 02

  I'm saying attracted or not, or is it like, she's, I don't know.

• 30:53Speaker 03

  No, there's, it is, men are like bees.

• 30:55Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I can relate.

• 30:56Speaker 03

  We see the, we see the outline of a woman. We go, yeah, like the idea of like, will it matter if I wear, you know, these types of socks? No, men don't even notice, we just see, I'm, I'm attracted to that thing. And so like when, when a guy says he's like not attracted, not going, that's, that's a good thing. Cause you're not, all women can understand that if you're on a date with a guy, if he left the house, you know, one thing, he's attracted you. That's a beautiful thing too. If you think of it that way, you go, I got one thing out of the way. If I'm on a date with a girl, I don't know why she's there. I don't know if she was forced, she thought she should, if she didn't go, she's not trying.

• 31:32Jay Shetty?

  That's a great way of looking at it.

• 31:34Speaker 03

  You know, like, I don't know, like, I, I don't know if we, I could get married to a woman, then I don't know. Wedding day, she's like, and at first I didn't think he was anything.

• 31:41Speaker 02

  Isn't that nice? You're, you're, you can get a foot in the door.

• 31:44Speaker 03

  Right. Well, it's nice and it's bad. Like, I don't want to hear that my wife at first was like, oh, you know, like, but that happens, you know, look, look at all the our story page for all these women getting married. It's, well, at first I wasn't into him and then he came over to me and he touched me with his clammy hands. And then I was like, oh, I guess maybe I'll go on a date. Like, it's all this like horrific tale about how this guy like magooed his way into this woman. And it's like, that's nice for her. That's a fun marvel, you know, story to tell. Like you're, you're, you know, you're a beginning, but like.

• 32:17Speaker 02

  Well, I think women are also more like, I can work with this.

• 32:20Speaker 03

  Right.

• 32:20Speaker 02

  Even if someone is not, I think women are more open to dating men who aren't exactly the perfect way that they want them to be as soon as they meet them.

• 32:28Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, they're like, I can change what they wear and I can.

• 32:30Speaker 02

  Well, yeah, they're, you know, they can, yeah, they can, they can, they can work with this or they cannot. I don't think men are thinking that. And in some ways that makes men more romantic. They're like, I'm not even, if I don't like you just as you are, I'm not going to commit to you. And women are like, if I like the bones, I can work with them.

• 32:47Jay Shetty?

  Well, it's, it's that age old idea of men don't want women to change.

• 32:50Speaker 02

  Right.

• 32:51Jay Shetty?

  But they will. And women want men to change, but they won't.

• 32:54Speaker 02

  Exactly.

• 32:54Jay Shetty?

  Right. Like it's that balance of like.

• 32:56Speaker 03

  Right. Men are just, I mean, like, we always hear about like the Disney princess or like how the Disney, Disney movies convince women they're going to find a prince charming. And that is very true. There's a male version of that, you know, where men have been told in every coming of age movie that. This, this woman is just gonna show up and she's into video games and she's cool and she gets it. Every coming of age movie is some chick who's like, ah, like giving guys crap and like, she's like this dream. Yeah. Version and you're kinda told, and this guy falls in love. So you're kinda told that like, someone's gonna come along there, all of a sudden you're gonna get it. Yeah. And you're gonna want this monogamous lifestyle. Hmm.

• 33:39Speaker 03

  And, you know, I don't think either is fair. Yeah. You know, and, but the looks thing, it, it's, everyone has a type, everyone's into something, there's a butt for every seat. I mean, I always say, this sounds gross, but like everyone's someone's foot. Like there's men out there masturbating to feet. You know, and they, there were so many men masturbating to feet that there's a hyperlink on the porn sites that take you directly to feet. So.

• 34:04Speaker 02

  But that's why I don't think.

• 34:05Speaker 03

  You are someone's foot.

• 34:06Speaker 02

  Well, that's why I don't.

• 34:06Speaker 03

  Ugly is not even like, hot or attractive is not even a thing.

• 34:10Speaker 02

  Right, but I'm saying that I don't think, think that it's, yeah, it's not like, I don't think the key to doing well in dating is being hot. I think it is really about your attitude and like, again, how happy you are. I think a happy person, and like, again, there's gonna, no matter what you look like, there's gonna be someone who's attracted to you. But I think if you are, if someone's, someone could be attracted to you physically and you could go on the date and you bring a bad attitude and you seem unhappy with your life and you seem unhappy, and you seem like you're burnt out just from being there and your feeling is like, he's, oh, he's not even gonna text me again. Like, I think that that is self sabotaging.

• 34:41Speaker 03

  But you feel that. Like, as I, li- listen, Jordana took my disgusting speech and made it sound a lot better.

• 34:48Speaker 03

  I, I, it is, um, you feel that on a date. Yeah. I go out and a lot of, I've been on dates with women who are like the I've had it woman. Like, and then you gotta like turn into a clown, you gotta be like, no, not got your, got your, got your, got your ear, like, got your nose, like, you have to like, try and make them cheer them up a little bit to like, go, hey, we're gonna be on a date that's not gonna be disgusting and horrible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, so you can feel when someone's like, I've seen it all. Yeah. And it's hard to get out of. And even if you feel you have, the point is to have the attitude that you're talking about. Right. Even if you have been in the work. And you can't tell someone to do that. Like, we can talk about it for days, but like. You you gotta figure that out.

• 35:27Jay Shetty?

  Well, I think I think the challenge is going back to the part about being attractive. We think being attractive means being attractive to everyone.

• 35:35Speaker 03

  Right.

• 35:35Jay Shetty?

  Right? We only feel hot if everyone thinks we're hot. And the reality is no one feels that way because not everyone's gonna find you attractive. No matter how, wherever you are on the spectrum of it, or however you feel about it. It's the fact that if someone can go out there, be confident, put the best version of themselves out there. You're giving the person who actually finds you attractive the chance to do that. We've all met people who are attractive that turned us off with their attitude.

• 35:59Speaker 02

  Totally.

• 35:59Jay Shetty?

  That's like massive.

• 36:01Speaker 02

  And I think we've met people that were like maybe borderline attracted to, but are seem so happy and so confident and so happy to be there.

• 36:07Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 36:07Speaker 02

  Um, that it makes them more attractive. I think that there's really like, you can't really quantify that. But it definitely, I'm sure it could sway you too, like someone who you're.

• 36:15Speaker 03

  Attitude, because attitude is everything. I mean, like you get there and you're like, oh, my God. Again, to go back to like the, you know, the the coming of age movie, the the chick who gets it. You know, you go, oh, my God, and she's cool and is fun and is like, you know, you go, oh, my God, everything's here. As opposed to being on a date where it's like, okay, you know, show me you're not a dick.

• 36:37Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, right.

• 36:38Speaker 03

  And you're like, okay, I've I've seen this before, you know, like, I'm not gonna be the one that. Because what happens is if someone's miserable on a date, you're like, if I do make this person happier, now I've made promises to them. You know, now I've, you know, love bombed them or like, not even, I'm not saying you do that to cheer them up, but you go. Now you've like put on a performance myself, like I'm performing.

• 37:01Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 37:01Speaker 03

  I'm not even getting to be the real me here because I was just spending the whole time trying to get this person to be happy. And now I've faked it.

• 37:09Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 37:09Speaker 02

  Right.

• 37:09Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 37:10Speaker 03

  You know?

• 37:10Speaker 02

  I was gonna say, I think that also that attitude thing also helps you once you're in a relationship. I think everyone thinks like, okay, once I like lock it down, then it's over. But relationships are their own level of work. And I think the best relationship advice I've ever seen is that if you look for what's missing from your partner, if you look for what they're not doing, what they could be doing more of, that's like they're gonna be the reality that you're living in. If you're looking at what they're doing well, what they do better than everyone else, like you're gonna feel really lucky and you're gonna feel really happy. So I think attitude just brings you not even when you're just single, but once you're like in the relationship, once you're like working through that, once you're changing into a relationship that's a long-term marriage or just a long-term relationship, I think that's the attitude is something you really need to keep working on and always be trying

• 37:53Speaker 02

  to be in a place of looking for what's working and looking for what's good, whether it's your own life or your partner.

• 37:59Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I think this alpha male, high-value woman conversation on TikTok, Instagram, podcast has put this pressure for women to think you've got to look like a model.

• 38:12Speaker 02

  Right.

• 38:12Jay Shetty?

  You've got to look great in these clothes without clothes, whatever, right? There's that pressure for women. And the pressure on men is you better be earning multiple six figures, you better drive an amazing car, you better have a great future. And everyone's looking at both of those things going, I can't live up to either of them.

• 38:28Speaker 02

  Right.

• 38:28Speaker 03

  Right.

• 38:29Jay Shetty?

  Right, do you see that?

• 38:29Speaker 03

  Well, the beauty of being a man is that I don't think, and this is where I feel lucky, is that when it comes to dating, maybe I'm not making that money, but I can, I don't think I have to like do the right thing by other men. Like, I never feel judged by other men for how I date. And I think when we hear from women that are dating, they're always wondering, am I doing it right? Is this the right text? Is this the right way to go? And it's almost like, who are you asking? Who's to say? And I think when it comes to those conversations of like, you know, who we answer to, like, I don't feel the pressure with relationships. You know, I can feel it from the other side of like, hey, what should I wear for a first date?

• 39:14Speaker 03

  You know, like when we get that question, like they're asking us as if we know what we're talking about. You know, like, and it's like, what should we wear for the day?

• 39:21Jay Shetty?

  What do you say?

• 39:22Speaker 03

  Whatever makes you feel comfortable and confident. And that's, again, to what Jordana said, the diet and exercise of answers. Like, no one wants to hear that.

• 39:28Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 39:29Speaker 03

  Well, but you have women that write in about this and you're like, That comes from a place of like, please tell me I'm doing this right.

• 39:36Speaker 02

  Right. People want rules.

• 39:37Speaker 03

  Right.

• 39:38Speaker 02

  People want like the secret sauce, the formula, and really it's about you and what works for you. And that's again, like a less flashy.

• 39:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:45Speaker 02

  Answer, but that's, that's the truth. There's no one way that everyone should act. There's no one kind of person that everyone should be interested in. It's like about what makes you the best version of yourself and everyone is a different person.

• 39:57Speaker 03

  Every time I hear someone say the phrase, high value, I'm like, that person is screwed.

• 40:02Speaker 02

  Awful. Yeah.

• 40:03Speaker 03

  It's awful and screwed. They're thinking of the wrong thing.

• 40:07Speaker 02

  They're thinking of the internet.

• 40:08Speaker 03

  Right.

• 40:08Speaker 02

  I think. And that's, that's the issue, I think, with modern dating, modern. And it's why it's so hard to sort of like appreciate the things about your partner that you really love. Because you're seeing, you're scrolling all the time and you're seeing someone else's partner. You just, I think of the Pookie and Jet thing, like someone else's partner surprised them with this bag. Or someone else's partner is taking them on these crazy dates. And it's, and you look at your partner and you're like, where's my crazy date? Where's my like spontaneous surprise trip? And I think that, again, you're not even thinking about, is that even something I want? Is that even something that like works for me? You're just constantly comparing. And before you really didn't get that. You didn't get like the behind the scenes of every single couple's highlights of like the best moments that they have together. No one's putting their fights up. No one's putting the like stupid argument that they had before bed on the internet.

• 40:53Speaker 02

  So you're not seeing what's not working for other people until you see the divorce post. And then you kind of, kind of go through the back.

• 40:59Speaker 03

  That's so true.

• 41:00Speaker 02

  The back.

• 41:01Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, it's like, it's almost like 25 years ago, you spoke to less people.

• 41:05Speaker 02

  Right.

• 41:05Jay Shetty?

  You knew them really deeply.

• 41:07Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 41:07Jay Shetty?

  And today you are exposed to more people, but you know them in a really shallow surface way.

• 41:12Speaker 03

  Right.

• 41:13Jay Shetty?

  And so if you had four friends, you knew who was on the verge of divorce, who was having a tough time. Because you all opened up and you were helping each other out with their problems. Whereas today, you're seeing someone who just took that trip for content. Like it wasn't even.

• 41:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:26Jay Shetty?

  It wasn't even a trip. It was content. And they went away and they got their sponsored trip. And now it's like, oh, well, that husband does spontaneous stuff or whatever it may be.

• 41:34Speaker 02

  Right. And you think there's something lacking in your relationship when there's not. You're only, again, you're only seeing this one side of it and you don't really know these, these people that well.

• 41:42Jay Shetty?

  You're talking about messaging there and people asking you, what messages should we write? How much are you hearing about people getting chat GPT to write their messages back? And how, how are you both feeling?

• 41:51Speaker 03

  More and more. It's cra- it's, it's funny because again, this goes back to, I want to be right. I don't want to do this wrong. So let me go to ChatGPT and it will tell me an answer that I don't have to think about it anymore.

• 42:03Speaker 02

  Well, listen, I think that there's some merit in ChatGPT and helping as a tool, like anything else. Like, I don't think if you, I don't think you should use it, not even read it and send it. But I think it's like, we did a, an episode where we did, where someone writes in their breakup text. They're texting someone after three dates to say they're not interested. And then we have ChatGPT write the same text. ChatGPT is better.

• 42:25Speaker 03

  Not a bad job. Yeah.

• 42:27Speaker 02

  It's a little more mature. It's a little, well, it's as personal, probably not. I think you should edit their thing. But I think if it can help people act like a nicer, better member of society, or at least give them somewhere to start, I'm okay with it.

• 42:40Jay Shetty?

  You're a fan of it for breakups.

• 42:42Speaker 02

  I wouldn't want to be told to ask for a divorce with ChatGPT, but I think, you know, if they read the first draft and then someone else edited it, I mean.

• 42:50Speaker 03

  Well, the thing we have to admit to is that we've been doing a version of ChatGPT from the minute dating apps started. Listen, when you're texting, you are writing your own script. You are being the person you would like to be. And that's not you on the fly. That's not you on improv or in the moment. How many times have you been in a conversation or an argument and then you went home and you go, I wish I said that. I wish I had this. You never do that about a text. Text, you go, you say exactly how you want to say it.

• 43:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 43:19Speaker 03

  The way you want to say it. The reality is, in our podcasts, we always say, we want to make you a better buyer. We're not going to fix dating. I get put in the position of speaking for men and it sounds very icky. I'm letting you know exactly what a man is feeling because I'm 10% away from the guy you're dating. So I'm telling you what's going on in his head. It's up to you to like, take that information and do the best you can and waste less time.

• 43:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 43:44Speaker 03

  So this goes to like the texting and ChatGPT and like, listen, if you want to blame ChatGPT for your relationship problems, you're

• 43:54Speaker 03

  It's just the truth because right now you're texting with someone who's Googling the movie that you said you loved.

• 44:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, or the quote that you said that they didn't fully understand.

• 44:03Speaker 03

  Right. They've been doing that since day one. Yeah. Send me a movie quote that makes you laugh every time. If you had none off the top of your head, but you thought they were hot, I'll go find a movie quote. You know, like, that's just the, that's just how it's going, you know? So all this is to say, like ChatGPT or someone Googling what to text you, you gotta get in person.

• 44:23Speaker 02

  Right, well.

• 44:24Speaker 03

  You gotta have a date.

• 44:25Speaker 02

  It's like the same, the same advice that we have for the apps. It's like the apps and ChatGPT, they're both tools. Should you be exclusively communicating with ChatGPTs? Should you be exclusively only dating on the apps? No, is it something you can use when it makes sense? Yeah.

• 44:40Speaker 03

  Right.

• 44:40Speaker 02

  Or at least to help.

• 44:41Jay Shetty?

  How quickly have you realistically seen people move from the apps to an in-person date? How quick do you like it to be and how quick is it realistically?

• 44:49Speaker 03

  I hate when someone's trying to game the app. So if someone matches with me and they go, let's skip the small talk and go on a date. I don't want to date that person. That's my.

• 44:59Jay Shetty?

  Because?

• 45:00Speaker 03

  Because I don't want to waste my time out. We're on a dating app because that gets you the first few conversations that make you excited for the day.

• 45:10Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 45:11Speaker 03

  You're trying to skip that. Right, it's a verifying process. But when people say that, I'm like, what's the catch here? This was so easy for you to go out. How much time? How much do you value your day? You don't value your day? Why would I want to go out with you? But the problem is someone always is going to come in and go, well, I hate pen pals.

• 45:29Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 45:30Speaker 03

  But that's not a good answer. That's the, the answer's nuanced and gray. If you're texting for six days before a plan is made, yeah, that's a lot, that's too long for me.

• 45:41Jay Shetty?

  Too long for you, right.

• 45:42Speaker 03

  For me, but like, I don't know what someone needs to feel safe. I don't know what someone needs to feel excited. You should feel safe and excited. That's, that's the two rules I would give to someone to go on a first date. Do you feel safe? Are you excited?

• 45:57Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, and so however long that takes.

• 45:58Speaker 03

  How, how long does that take? That's, that's, that's not up to me to say.

• 46:02Jay Shetty?

  That person saw you and felt safe and excited in that moment.

• 46:05Speaker 03

  Or they wanted to screw me over and steal my, you know, my identity.

• 46:09Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, you may feel safe and excited, but not you.

• 46:11Speaker 02

  Can you pay for my oil change? We've gotten that.

• 46:13Speaker 03

  We've gotten that, you know.

• 46:16Speaker 02

  We've gotten messages where, you know, the, the guy says, I'm so excited to, you know, I had such a great time. I'd love to go out again. And then the woman replies, me too. Uh, would you mind paying for my oil change?

• 46:26Speaker 03

  Right. You're gonna meet crazies, you know, like this is, this is what happens. You put yourself out there. You gotta play in traffic. You don't wanna get hit. And sometimes you get hit by a weirdo.

• 46:34Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 46:35Speaker 03

  You know, so.

• 46:36Speaker 02

  But that's a good story, you know, you've lived.

• 46:38Jay Shetty?

  Right, exactly.

• 46:39Speaker 03

  It's a great story to tell.

• 46:40Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, it's a great story to tell.

• 46:42Speaker 03

  Dating, the idea of like, when should you, how should you, we are not here to say. Like I, I think that if anyone's trying to tell you their four rules for dating, or, you know, you should never this. I think they're trying to sell a book. You know, we did this to make light and have fun about a subject that dating for some people, it's, they're killing it everywhere else. And this is the hardest thing in their life. That's crazy. And I, when I first started talking about dating, like as a guy, I didn't realize the gravity of it for some people. For me, it was always fun. And I mean, that should tell every woman out there, like every guy is like, they just think it's fun. They don't think it's the most, like it's as serious as maybe you're coming at it. This isn't every conversation they're having. This isn't podcasts they're listening to.

• 47:26Speaker 03

  So again, like when I first started doing this, you go, oh, this is like hilarious. Like, oh, let me hear your dating problems. And then you start meeting people and you're like, oh shit, like this is like real stuff.

• 47:37Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 47:38Speaker 03

  You know, like it is, they're doing great in their career, their friends, their family, and then they're like. What's going on here? How is this happening?

• 47:47Jay Shetty?

  Yeah. Jordana, how are you feeling about Jared's dating life?

• 47:50Speaker 02

  How am I feeling?

• 47:51Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 47:52Speaker 03

  What's my problem?

• 47:53Jay Shetty?

  No, no, maybe not a problem.

• 47:55Speaker 02

  Jared, I mean, like a lot of the men out there that we talked about earlier, like, has a lot of options. And sometimes I think that's almost like a lot of the issue with today's dating world is that, yeah, especially for men who aren't, you know,

• 48:08Jay Shetty?

  Successful man.

• 48:09Speaker 02

  Right, successful, high value, high value man.

• 48:12Speaker 03

  No, no, don't say that.

• 48:13Speaker 02

  No, I'm joking, but like, I'm not, but.

• 48:16Speaker 03

  I'd like to be doing better. Please follow me on Instagram. I'd like to be doing better, yeah.

• 48:20Speaker 02

  No, I think, I mean, I think people don't want to talk about this because it feels icky and it feels unfair, but I think that women are, a lot of the times, they're constrained by, one, societal norms that they should be, there are more pressure to settle down earlier, and two, biological realities, is that, in that the older you are as a woman, the harder it is to have children. And so I think that there's, there is a freedom that men have where they're not constantly thinking about dating against that, that timeframe. And again, it feels like an icky conversation. It feels like something that shouldn't be true, but it is true. So I think that men do have more options, and in a lot of ways, especially if you're like, doing well in your career and you're, and you're in a city like New York, let's say. And so I think that sometimes you can be a little paralyzed by choice.

• 49:04Speaker 03

  And men will end things before the next step. You know, men will go, this is okay, but I don't know if I want to go through the work. Like, I'll say, men, me, I'll speak for myself. I have ended things before the next step because I'm like, is this the next place of, like, am I ready for this next phase of life? It's not about the relationship, it's about, do I want to do the work? Do I want the responsibility? And I have a lot of envy and high regard for people in serious relationships. Like, that takes a lot of confidence. It takes a lot of, like, stress and work that I have gone against. I've said, well, I'm going to put my life into, you know, stand-up and comedy and, you know, my work, which is an easy excuse for me.

• 49:49Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 49:49Speaker 03

  I also, it's my avoidance of, like, this next thing of life, that first few months of dating, you can be, you're all potential.

• 49:59Jay Shetty?

  Hmm.

• 49:59Speaker 03

  You know, you get past that, you're living in the reality of who you are. And like, I think that's what a lot of men deal with, is like, I'd rather be potential than the reality.

• 50:10Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 50:11Speaker 03

  And deal with the reality.

• 50:11Speaker 02

  Is it the reality or isn't then then commitment?

• 50:14Speaker 03

  Commitment is reality. I like commitment like I I I think it's commitment to like the broader thing. Like to me, when I think of like the next step in a relationship, I'm like, it's everything. It's house, it's family, it's kids, you know, like it gets way farther ahead than maybe women think we're thinking.

• 50:32Jay Shetty?

  I hear you on that. Like that resonates with me. It's one of the reasons why we haven't had kids yet.

• 50:36Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 50:36Jay Shetty?

  Was because I was excited to be with my wife to get married.

• 50:40Speaker 02

  Right.

• 50:41Jay Shetty?

  But my career took over and then my wife's career took over and that was. So it's weird how you can have that at different phases.

• 50:48Speaker 03

  Right.

• 50:48Jay Shetty?

  So I can relate to what you're saying.

• 50:50Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:50Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 50:50Jay Shetty?

  On the children level where like I want to have kids for sure.

• 50:53Speaker 03

  Mm hmm.

• 50:54Jay Shetty?

  But I mean, we've been together now for 12 years and married for nine. And for me, the focus was I'm getting to build and I'm doing what I love. And I don't want to end up feeling like I'm not paying attention to this young, beautiful child that I brought into the world.

• 51:08Speaker 03

  Right.

• 51:08Jay Shetty?

  And I'll and I'll do it when I can. And I feel like that's a very feels like a very masculine trait. And so you're you're feeling the same. I can like the way you're talking, I'm like, I can relate to everything you're saying. It's just I'm married.

• 51:20Speaker 03

  Right.

• 51:20Jay Shetty?

  That's the only I've taken on that commitment. I feel good about that one.

• 51:23Speaker 03

  And we're around the same age.

• 51:25Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 51:25Speaker 03

  I think like there's good and bad to everything, as we said before.

• 51:27Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 51:28Speaker 03

  Like our parents like that may have gotten married young. You go, well, I would never do that for me. And they had kids young and then we kind of were given the ability to like push those things off.

• 51:39Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 51:40Speaker 03

  And again, there's positive to that. You get to build your career, but then you get to get so precious with your life.

• 51:46Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 51:46Speaker 03

  That you're like almost you become too picky, too choosy, too.

• 51:51Jay Shetty?

  Totally.

• 51:51Speaker 03

  Too precious with doing, walking forward. And what a lot of men will do, like women will break up after they've tried again and again.

• 52:02Jay Shetty?

  Mm hmm. Yeah.

• 52:02Speaker 03

  Men will break up before the next step. And that's why a lot of men have the one that got away. I don't you don't hear from women with the one that got away a lot. You hear from men, oh, I could have been married to her. I could have been married to her. We I I've said that about many people I've dated. And that's why it's like, you know, it's funny when you see these TikToks are so angry and so the negativity I talked about in the beginning. It's not as personal as it looks, the way they're talking about it, even though it's personal to them. Like, I know from the male side, it's never been that someone's not worth it, or not enough, or not, you know, someone that I could have been with. It was always my own. I was thinking, you know, I, there's a, Tony Kornheiser's a writer,

• 52:44Speaker 03

  I've heard him say this line, "The key of me." We all live in the key of me. You know, when you write a story, you write it about yourself. So it's like, I think what a lot of men are going through is the key of me, and it's not as personal to the women that are feeling like, okay, I have so much choice, or that... Right. He thought he could do better. He thought he could do better. It's all, that is always fraudulent to me.

• 53:02Jay Shetty?

  I've never heard it that well articulated. That's really interesting to hear.

• 53:06Speaker 03

  Some say I'm a well-articulated person. My mom says that all the time.

• 53:10Jay Shetty?

  No, I mean that. I mean that. I don't think I've heard it put that way before, and I can resonate with it so strongly at different ways in my life.

• 53:17Speaker 03

  Right. I think, right, it's a very...

• 53:19Jay Shetty?

  It's an ideology that I get.

• 53:20Speaker 03

  Yeah. And it's for all levels of life. I mean, you talk about kids, you know?

• 53:24Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It's, I think that's just a man's mind is like, yeah, if you talk to me about kids at 30, I would have been so scared.

• 53:32Speaker 03

  Right.

• 53:33Jay Shetty?

  Like, I would have just been like, oh my god, I don't think I could be a dad, right? Like, that's how I genuinely felt. Whereas now, I'm 37, and it's like, I think about kids a lot. That's just a shift that I've been through, in my own mind, you know, where, at one point, if you asked me, I'd have been like, ah, I'd be fine without them. And now, it's like, it's a part of something that I want. And it's such a, whether it's age, maturity, biology, finances, I don't know, but there is a sense of that feeling of, yeah, it's not really about the other person. I've always known my wife would be make a amazing mom. That's like, not even the conversation.

• 54:06Speaker 03

  Well, we get so many emails that are like, "He ended it, and I wasn't looking to marry, get married." That's always the response. Women write, "It's not like I said I wanted to get married." And it's like, it's really, you know, kind of like demeaning towards the men they're dating, because a lot of women don't think that men have the emotional intelligence to like, think that far ahead.

• 54:31Jay Shetty?

  Before we dive into the next moment, let's hear from our sponsors. This episode is brought to you by Vinted. Value can be found anywhere, even in the clothes sitting untouched in our closets. That's where Vinted comes in. Vinted is a secondhand marketplace app where you can sell clothes you no longer want and get more value out of them. Whether you're running out of space, moving, or simply updating your wardrobe. Listing items is a quick and simple process, and once something sells, Vinted creates a prepaid shipping label for you. And the best part, there are no seller fees, so you keep what you earn. It's a simple way to clear out your closet, be less wasteful, and maybe make some extra money along the way. Give your clothes a second life with Vinted.

• 55:16Jay Shetty?

  Download the Vinted app for free to start selling with no seller fees, so you keep every dollar you earn. This episode is brought to you by Orange Theory Fitness. One of the best investments you can make is in your own strength. The choices you make today can help shape how you feel for years to come. Orange Theory Fitness provides a one-hour workout to build strength, burn fat, and build muscle, with an expert coach guiding you every step of the way. Head to orangetheory.com/onpurpose to learn more and get your first class free. Orange Theory Fitness, helping people live longer, more vibrant lives. Terms and conditions apply. See webpage in studio for details. This episode is brought to you by Whole Foods Market.

• 55:58Jay Shetty?

  If you're talking about quality food, you can't forget Whole Foods Market, who've been holding themselves to the highest standards since they opened in 1980. That means you'll see thousands of organic products across their stores, from the produce department to the aisles. It also means you'll never see certain ingredients. They've banned artificial sweeteners and colors, high fructose corn syrup and more, so you can shop with peace of mind. Shop Whole Foods Market in-store or online.

• 56:29Jay Shetty?

  And back to our episode.

• 56:31Speaker 02

  I don't know if it's demeaning. I think women are like, why don't you just give this a chance?

• 56:35Speaker 03

  Right.

• 56:35Speaker 02

  Why don't we see where it can go? And we don't have to get like,

• 56:38Speaker 03

  more pressure.

• 56:38Speaker 02

  Yes. Why don't we like, if a woman who's dating a man for three months, and he'll break up before they're like in a relationship. And I think there's this frustration of like, I'm not asking you to marry me, right? To commit to forever right now, but why can't you keep dating me? Or like really, really fully commit?

• 56:55Speaker 03

  I guess it's demeaning to both sides. He's thinking way far ahead.

• 57:00Speaker 02

  Right.

• 57:00Speaker 03

  Way farther ahead than she would even imagine. And he's also not trusting her to be able to be told that like he's ending it. You know, I,

• 57:10Speaker 02

  That she'll be okay if they date for three years and then don't get married.

• 57:13Speaker 03

  Right.

• 57:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 57:14Speaker 03

  And I, so it goes both ways.

• 57:16Jay Shetty?

  Giving each other enough credit, basically.

• 57:17Speaker 03

  Right.

• 57:17Speaker 02

  Right.

• 57:18Jay Shetty?

  We're not giving each other enough credit that, oh wait, he's actually thinking 25 years from now.

• 57:23Speaker 03

  Right.

• 57:23Jay Shetty?

  And we're not trusting that she's confident enough.

• 57:26Speaker 03

  To like, to handle a break.

• 57:27Jay Shetty?

  To handle a breakup in five years.

• 57:29Speaker 03

  Again, both sides of that equation, I feel bad for. Like if someone got dumped after five years and never got married, thought they were, I'd be like, yeah, that sucks.

• 57:36Speaker 02

  Right. But she, but women have agency too. And I think you see a lot of those stories and you don't get the other side, which is also that like, yeah, if you're dating someone for five years and you've been looking to get married and they, and, and they're not married, you can leave also at any time.

• 57:50Speaker 03

  Right.

• 57:51Speaker 02

  And that's the credit you're not giving the woman.

• 57:52Speaker 03

  Right.

• 57:53Speaker 02

  Of that, like, if you're not giving her what she wants, she can leave.

• 57:55Speaker 03

  Right. Yeah. Fair. Yeah.

• 57:58Jay Shetty?

  It's so, it's so interesting, right? Like what, what you're both doing, which I really appreciate is it's almost like if we were able to verbalize this stuff, for the person that we're talking to.

• 58:06Speaker 03

  Right.

• 58:07Speaker 02

  Much harder.

• 58:07Jay Shetty?

  It's so much harder, but it would transform everything because you'd actually be able to hear someone's heart. Like you'd, you'd actually be able to hear it and go, wow, I didn't realize you were even looking at it from that really thoughtful perspective.

• 58:18Speaker 03

  I always have so much joy when a couple says they listen to our podcast together. Because I, what you're saying is so true. This is all easy for us to say from the sidelines. It is so easy for us to say. This is simple. Oh, I can give advice on everyone else's relationship. I know exactly what I should do when I'm in it. I'm like, I'm a bumbling idiot. But when I hear a couple listens to our podcast together, I'm like, we're talking for them. Like, it's almost easier to listen than it is to like, put these into words. And I'm like, man, they must be doing okay. Like, not to give ourselves too much credit, but I, I don't even think it's.

• 58:55Speaker 02

  Well, they're having these conversations.

• 58:56Speaker 03

  Right.

• 58:57Speaker 02

  And kind of like what we said before, it's like, I do think when women break up with men, they're like, please change, please change, please change, and then they don't change. And then finally they break up with them. And I think a lot of men are, are maybe more than women afraid to have a lot of these conversations. And so are kind of just like secretly thinking about like, if they should leave. And then women always feel like they're blindsided.

• 59:15Jay Shetty?

  That's true. That's true. Yeah. Men are thinking about it for six months before they do anything.

• 59:19Speaker 02

  Yes. And the woman is like, what do you mean?

• 59:20Jay Shetty?

  Yeah. And you've done all that thinking.

• 59:22Speaker 02

  Right. Because any woman that breaks up with it, with her boyfriend will tell you, and I kept asking him not to stop getting drunk. And I kept asking him to stop doing this and this and this, and he just wouldn't change. And I really wanted it to work. And you just don't really hear that from men.

• 59:36Speaker 03

  No, no, no, no, no. It just wasn't working. And, and no one ever asked me after a break of what, what happened.

• 59:42Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 59:42Speaker 03

  No one's ever.

• 59:43Jay Shetty?

  Right.

• 59:44Speaker 03

  Joanna does. But generally, like my male friends are, they're just like, high fiving me on the way to a dating app.

• 59:50Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 59:51Speaker 03

  You know, like, and if I had to explain what happened, it would just sound like I just gave up.

• 59:55Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 59:55Speaker 03

  You know, like, which isn't, you know, something I'm proud of, you know? But it's not something I ever have to really deal with.

• 1:00:02Jay Shetty?

  So would you say you're not looking for a long-term committed loving relationship?

• 1:00:07Speaker 03

  No, I am. That's crazy.

• 1:00:10Jay Shetty?

  Wait, now you're confusing me.

• 1:00:11Speaker 03

  Well, no, I, I am, but I'm, you know, I'm afraid of it being.

• 1:00:15Jay Shetty?

  What are you afraid about?

• 1:00:16Speaker 03

  If I was to be really honest about it, I'm afraid of making my choices someone else's problem.

• 1:00:22Speaker 02

  Or are you afraid of making the wrong choice?

• 1:00:24Speaker 03

  Right.

• 1:00:24Speaker 02

  Also.

• 1:00:25Speaker 03

  And then you make the wrong, well, you make the wrong choice with the wrong person.

• 1:00:28Speaker 02

  Right.

• 1:00:29Speaker 03

  But I do think I know my taste enough at this point to know who I get along with. And again, like, I think a lot of guys, I'm not a soulmate guy.

• 1:00:37Speaker 02

  I'm not a soulmate.

• 1:00:38Speaker 03

  Either. Like, I don't think, I just think you can make it work with like, a lot of people.

• 1:00:42Jay Shetty?

  I agree with that.

• 1:00:43Speaker 03

  Um, and, but they all are very similar types. You know, similar type of personality and, and thinking and worldview, those types of things. But I, I do think, you know, I blame stand-up and doing comedy, you know, and the career I chose. But that's not, you know, that's not a really good reason. But I do think the fear of like.

• 1:01:04Speaker 03

  You are someone else has like I if I fail, I fail on my own like that's really easy for me like I can sit at home and bury myself in it. I I give a lot of credit to like you're married and you're starting a business or you're doing things and you got kids that you gotta like talk to and they go, what happened? You know, the kids asked what happened? Are you kidding me? I I can't even imagine. What happened with the big deal? You know, we didn't get it. Like, what do you say to a kid? I don't know. It's scary.

• 1:01:33Speaker 02

  And I think I think you you mentioned something a lot that a lot of men feel, but maybe don't articulate is that it is much more like their ability to commit is a lot more tied to how secure they feel financially, how secure they feel in their careers. I don't think I think it's I'm obviously women care about their careers and how they're doing financially. But I don't think I think most women will say I can date in any phase of my career trajectory. I don't need to be established in order to get married. I don't need to be established in order to to have children. I think men are much more like I cannot fully go there unless I feel like I could take care of a family.

• 1:02:05Speaker 03

  Right. And if we go back to that high value, douchey conversation, like what makes a guy high value is like career established, safe.

• 1:02:12Speaker 02

  Providing.

• 1:02:13Speaker 03

  Providing, you know, like and doing okay. I think that's why we talk about dating as vulnerably and as honestly.

• 1:02:20Jay Shetty?

  That's what this is right now. It feels good.

• 1:02:22Speaker 03

  Yeah. And I think people listening, like when we talk about dating is like, I like when I hear people just say, oh, good. Like, I'm not sitting here alone.

• 1:02:30Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:02:31Speaker 03

  Dealing with that. But like, no, a long term relationship, yeah, I'm looking for that. But I'm also like I feel a little delusional even saying that. I was in Australia. I just did shows in Australia and I went to the Great Barrier Reef. I did like the snorkeling at the I'm not a snorkeler. I don't know. I was just like I they were like, do you want to go snorkeling at the Great Barrier Reef? And I'm like, how am I gonna say no to that? Like, I'm no, I'd like to sit at the hotel and sit on my phone. Like, I can't. I have to do this. This is someone's bucket list item. So I took a boat like an hour away and we got to the reef and I started snorkeling and the mask kept coming off my face and I was like miserable. Then they give you all this like lube. And they say, put it on your face. So now I got all this vaseline. They give you all the vaseline.

• 1:03:13Speaker 03

  And then put it on the face and I finally get the thing on and I start looking at the fish. And I remember thinking like 10 minutes into this. I'm going, is this it? This is the Great Barrier Reef? And then I'm like thinking, but I'm by myself and I'm like looking at this reef and I'm like. Shouldn't I see a shark or some turtle eat something, you know, like I, and then we got back on the boat and I was just sitting alone on the boat and I'm like, man, I guess this is why people have relationships, like.

• 1:03:36Speaker 02

  Someone to go to the Great Barrier Reef.

• 1:03:38Speaker 03

  And say how horrible it was.

• 1:03:42Speaker 03

  And go, man, that sucked, right? Like, you just wanna go, oh, my God, like, and I, again, I'm sure someone gets a lot of value from seeing the Great Barrier Reef, but like, you know, again, like, this is old school shit. I'm not saying, I'm saying anything that Dr. Seuss didn't say, you know, like, it's who you spend the time with and who you get to complain about with. And I think I, like, I remember after that trip to Australia, I was like, I'm not, I think I told you, I was like, I'm not going.

• 1:04:06Speaker 02

  Never going to the Great Barrier Reef alone again.

• 1:04:08Speaker 03

  Right, right. I just remember being on that boat, just being like, what the hell am I? I was like, do people like this? Do?

• 1:04:14Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:15Speaker 03

  I don't know. I think people liked that they went with a partner and they were like, that sucked, right?

• 1:04:20Jay Shetty?

  That's how I felt watching Superman last week. I'm trying, I'm trying to get all my friends to go watch it to just figure out whether I'm mad or not. It was the worst movie I've ever seen in my.

• 1:04:28Speaker 03

  You hated it?

• 1:04:29Jay Shetty?

  I hated it. It was so bad.

• 1:04:30Speaker 03

  Oh, that's.

• 1:04:31Jay Shetty?

  But it's that feeling of, I didn't go with my wife. I went with a couple of friends and they hated it too. But then the ratings are through the roof.

• 1:04:37Speaker 03

  Right.

• 1:04:37Jay Shetty?

  And everyone else, I haven't, I don't know anyone. So when you go watch it, tell me.

• 1:04:40Speaker 03

  I saw it.

• 1:04:41Jay Shetty?

  What did you think?

• 1:04:42Speaker 03

  I liked it.

• 1:04:42Speaker 02

  Oh, you saw it in 3D?

• 1:04:44Speaker 03

  I saw it in 3D, yeah, yeah. I didn't like 3D. I thought 3D was a waste of money.

• 1:04:48Jay Shetty?

  I didn't get any of the comedy. I wasn't laughing.

• 1:04:50Speaker 03

  No.

• 1:04:51Jay Shetty?

  I didn't find the dog cute. Like, I didn't get it.

• 1:04:53Speaker 03

  The dog got annoying.

• 1:04:54Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I just didn't get it.

• 1:04:55Speaker 03

  I thought the dog got annoying.

• 1:04:56Jay Shetty?

  I didn't get it. I didn't get the film.

• 1:04:57Speaker 03

  Are you a Superman fan?

• 1:04:59Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I love Superman.

• 1:05:00Speaker 03

  You do?

• 1:05:00Jay Shetty?

  But like, I love the TV version with, um.

• 1:05:02Speaker 03

  Do you like Smallville?

• 1:05:04Jay Shetty?

  No, not.

• 1:05:05Speaker 03

  Smallville is a pretty good show.

• 1:05:06Jay Shetty?

  No, not Smallville. The, um, I, I felt that way. It's, it's, it's interesting. Jordan, I wanted to ask you that with, kind of like the opposite end of what we're talking about with Jared. Like, how long have you been married now?

• 1:05:15Speaker 02

  Almost four years.

• 1:05:16Jay Shetty?

  Okay, okay, yeah, fine. And what have you, like, you've been building a business.

• 1:05:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:05:20Jay Shetty?

  The business was fairly established at that point, I imagine. But like, what's that been like for you where almost all the things Jared's afraid of?

• 1:05:28Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:05:28Jay Shetty?

  Are things you've been doing? What's that like in reality?

• 1:05:32Speaker 02

  I think in reality, it's like so much less scary than you think it is. I think the hardest part is like. Especially for you is like, is the feeling of like finality and commitment and like, this is it, I'm making a choice. But I think nothing makes you feel like an adult more than like really making a choice.

• 1:05:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:05:49Speaker 02

  And I think being married is making that choice every day and saying, you know, I'm gonna look at the positive aspects of what's going on here every day. It doesn't mean like constantly being positive or never sharing something that's bothering you. But I think like sort of what you were saying is like, the magic of marriage is not necessarily all the good stuff that you're sharing together, but being able to like, go through life and experience all the lows and all the highs. And then you really have like this full intertwined experience with someone and they help you grow. They help you, you know, if they're the right person for you, they're help, they're supporting you. And I think then for me, what was unique about meeting my husband as opposed to anyone else I ever dated is I just felt like this full, I felt so safe and so secure that I could build my career and I could go

• 1:06:32Speaker 02

  out there and I could like not be folk, hyper focusing on finding the right person because I felt like I had someone who was supportive and who wanted the best for me and that I could be fully myself with and like self actualize. And I think that you would have that totally too. And of course, someone to make fun of the barrier reef with. And that, you know, yeah, to make, to like also go through.

• 1:06:51Speaker 03

  Mid barrier reef, as I call it.

• 1:06:53Speaker 02

  Yeah. Or to go through like the negative experiences or something horrible happens to you and you have someone who's seen that and they're also then when things are good, they also, they can appreciate that with you much more.

• 1:07:03Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. It was really cool though, because we started this podcast when Jordana was single and also just started dating her now husband. So it was funny to like when in the beginning of this show, like how cool it was to like, it's funny when we first started, like, you know, Jordana asking me questions that are like, so you could tell like, this is kind of about my dating. Like I, I'm on a third date, you know, like, like, what would you say to someone going on a third date with someone they kind of like and they think is a good guy? You know, like.

• 1:07:32Jay Shetty?

  He listened to the podcast at that time.

• 1:07:34Speaker 02

  I think he did, yeah.

• 1:07:35Speaker 03

  That's funny.

• 1:07:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:07:36Speaker 03

  That is the weird, you have a dating podcast and you're like, the weird part is you're more honest on a podcast than you are, than you can be with the people in your life. Like as, that might sound bad, but like, you come on here, we're, we're talking, we're, we're chit chatting. And that's the beauty of a podcast. You get to like, put in a headphone and just sit and be a fly on the wall. And yeah, there's like-

• 1:07:57Speaker 02

  That was a great part of, you know, being early dating and having you, I would basically like, you could be like his mouthpiece almost for any fights we got into or anything. And you'd explain the side and I would get it more because you do have like that very unique ability to sort of verbalize what men are thinking or how they're thinking about things that sometimes you just don't come at things the same way. And that's really the source of most conflict in relationships is just having a totally different framework for how you see the world or how you would see a specific instance. And a lot of the times, men and women are thinking about things really differently.

• 1:08:27Speaker 03

  Right. And that's kind of been like the frustrating part about like the internet's evolution over the last like seven years of us doing this podcast is like, there aren't a lot of male voices, straight male voices in this space. I'm not trying to like pat myself on the back, but like I'm, when I come on this podcast, I am, I'm telling you exactly how I feel. And it sounds really icky, as I said before, but like, this is it. Like, I'm not apologizing for it. I'm just telling you, and like, the podcast's been great because, you know, Jordana's never been like, well, that's just you. You're gross. You know, like, like I am gross, but I am speaking, I'm within, I'm not a hundred percent away from your boyfriend.

• 1:09:10Speaker 03

  I'm 10% away at a max. Most of us are 10% away from each other. So when we talk about stuff like, and you see on the internet, like there's no male voice to get back to the horrific stories you hear about dating from the female side. And it's because a lot of the male side of this isn't really morally great.

• 1:09:30Speaker 02

  Well, it doesn't feel whole, quite as wholesome as the intentions for women on dating.

• 1:09:34Speaker 03

  The intentions for women on dating apps is I want to find the love of my life and hold hands when we're buried together dead. And nothing can be better than that. I I just like to like, how do you, you know, that doesn't sound great on the internet and you will find a million voices shouting you down. I'm here to be casual and just have a fun time. And maybe if I meet someone great. Like, we have so many people that ask about, and this is like, they'll ask about what men write, or people write, what they write as what they're looking for. And it'll be like, I'm looking for a long term relationship. I'm looking for a short term, but open to long. Before that option even exists, I would always say, men are looking for short term option for long.

• 1:10:17Speaker 03

  That's what all men are looking for. The dream of this person waltzing into my life and making me not want anyone else. That's the Disney princess to us. So, you know, when we get asked, like, oh, what, they wrote that they're looking for a long term relationship, but they ended it with me. It's like, yeah, that is bullshit. Stop looking at what people, you know what they're looking for. The only thing you should trust on a dating app is I only want short term. Because that's them being honest. Every guy on there is open to long term, but, you know, open to short, but hoping for long. And they believe it. So you're not going to win that battle. Hey, but you said you had long term relationship written there. Oh, you're right. I guess we should be together now. That's never gonna happen. Yeah. And that doesn't sound great.

• 1:11:02Jay Shetty?

  No, of course not.

• 1:11:03Speaker 03

  That, yeah, I would make out with a bunch of chicks before I met the love of my life. That doesn't sound great, but that's how most men are going about this.

• 1:11:09Jay Shetty?

  It's it's really interesting when we think about it, even from my, if we're 10% away.

• 1:11:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:11:14Jay Shetty?

  My perspective has been so transformed, and I hear this from men who are married and have kids, and so who are one step ahead of me in that journey. And even for me, getting married was the best decision I ever made because it actually gave me more time, energy, and space to do all the things I loved. Because as a young man, all I did was chase women and spend loads of time, money and energy on finding the right girl.

• 1:11:40Speaker 03

  Right.

• 1:11:40Jay Shetty?

  And all of a sudden, I got all that time back. So when you realize how much

• 1:11:44Speaker 02

  Very efficient.

• 1:11:44Jay Shetty?

  Back.

• 1:11:45Speaker 03

  I have a buddy who's like all of a sudden into baking and I'm like, when did this happen? He's like, I got a wife.

• 1:11:50Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:50Speaker 03

  I like to bake.

• 1:11:51Jay Shetty?

  It's like, I'm like a better version of myself and every, and I was, I remember speaking to like a lot of successful men and they were all like the best, if you look through history, the most successful and happy successful men, I'm not just talking about financially, just men who are happy and successful, it was because they were committed to one woman because they had so much time and energy to

• 1:12:10Speaker 02

  Right.

• 1:12:10Jay Shetty?

  build, do, be and be accepted.

• 1:12:12Speaker 03

  I don't doubt that.

• 1:12:13Jay Shetty?

  No, no, I'm not, I'm not preaching to you.

• 1:12:14Speaker 03

  No, but I, no, no, no, I know you're not.

• 1:12:16Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:16Speaker 03

  Because I've heard you talk about your wife on our podcast and you can tell like this is a partnership. You guys are aiming for the same thing. You seem on the same page, just the way you talk about your relationship. And when you see that and feel that you go, yeah, of course, that's the better option than single. But then you sit here and you go, man, I, I, I haven't really had that.

• 1:12:40Jay Shetty?

  And that's the right answer because you're right. It's not just anyone.

• 1:12:43Speaker 03

  Right.

• 1:12:43Jay Shetty?

  It's the person that's mutually working on it with you as well. And it's your point too, you could, I could have been with a lot of different people.

• 1:12:49Speaker 03

  Right.

• 1:12:49Jay Shetty?

  I think I could have married a bunch of other people that I dated, but it wouldn't have worked because either I would have lost enthusiasm and energy or they would have.

• 1:12:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:12:58Jay Shetty?

  Whereas the only reason why this one's working is because both people are willing to put in that energy and that work and that time in a way that I don't think I would have had for anyone else. Like a, you know, and that's, that's, that's the part that you're waiting for and that's important.

• 1:13:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:13:12Jay Shetty?

  For sure. So I want to go to the final five before we do some segments with you. These questions have to be answered in one word to one sentence maximum, but I'm going to change it for you guys.

• 1:13:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, no, I, I'm.

• 1:13:22Jay Shetty?

  I'm going to change it for you guys because I don't want to do that, but we're going to be, we're going to be quick with it.

• 1:13:27Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 1:13:28Jay Shetty?

  We're going to be quick with it.

• 1:13:29Speaker 02

  Lightning round.

• 1:13:29Jay Shetty?

  So I'm going to give you a little bit of scenarios. So you've been on a few great dates, but you've, you're always the one initiating. At what point does that stop being their style and start being a sign they're not prioritizing you?

• 1:13:44Speaker 02

  As soon as you're turned off by that.

• 1:13:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:13:46Speaker 02

  I think, you know.

• 1:13:47Speaker 03

  I, this is my, this is my answer to try this. If you're in a position, you're always making the plan and it doesn't, you're turned off by it. First of all, establish I'm turned off. I don't like that I keep making the plan. That's okay to admit. It's okay to say you're turned off.

• 1:14:01Speaker 02

  If you don't like making the plan, if you don't mind making the plan, that's also okay.

• 1:14:05Speaker 03

  Right, both are okay. Um, but if you want the person you're texting with to make the plan and it would make you feel good, send this text. You ready? Hey, I'm really busy today. Would love to see you again. Make a plan and I'm in.

• 1:14:20Jay Shetty?

  Nice, I like that.

• 1:14:21Speaker 03

  There's no other answer to that than a plan. If there's other answers, they're not really looking to go out and hopefully you're turned off by that.

• 1:14:29Speaker 02

  Right, or they're not someone who makes plans and they're not for you.

• 1:14:32Speaker 03

  Right.

• 1:14:32Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, well said. I like great answers. That was very succinct, both of you. That was good. All right, you matched on a dating app. You've had a great conversation, but they haven't responded in two days. How long do you wait before moving on?

• 1:14:44Speaker 03

  Feeling it is the answer. So like, that person felt it. I haven't heard from them in two days. Okay, what are you gonna do about it? Hey, checking in, would love to go out. Make a plan and I'm in.

• 1:14:56Speaker 02

  Right.

• 1:14:57Speaker 03

  Make a plan. Positive and direction will get you everything you want in life. And my, with dating, if you're honest, you will feel dishonesty very quickly. Be positive. Hey, I've loved chit chatting with you. It's been a couple of days. I'm around next week. Make a plan and I'm in.

• 1:15:17Speaker 02

  Make a plan and I'm in will set you free.

• 1:15:19Speaker 03

  It will truly.

• 1:15:20Jay Shetty?

  That's the one.

• 1:15:21Speaker 03

  Such simple advice.

• 1:15:22Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:23Speaker 03

  But I only give advice that would work on me. What would work on me? If someone I was texting with, but I was just getting the dopamine hit from their texts and I didn't want to go out with them, if they were like, hey, make a plan, I'm in. Time for me to go. Let me put on my hat. I'll be out the door.

• 1:15:37Speaker 02

  Yeah, and if that doesn't work, if make a plan and I'm in doesn't work, you've saved your own time. You've saved your own mental energy even thinking about it because you've thrown the ball in their court and now you can move on.

• 1:15:47Speaker 03

  Right.

• 1:15:48Jay Shetty?

  Great. How do I navigate jealousy of friends' relationships and milestones when I feel stuck or behind?

• 1:15:55Speaker 03

  Remember that your friends are all liars and they're way more unhappy than you think they are.

• 1:16:00Speaker 02

  No.

• 1:16:02Speaker 03

  They suck. How about that? No, I.

• 1:16:06Speaker 03

  Your friends and the jealousy probably comes from a place of you assuming. I think if you went out for lunch with a friend that you'd feel jealous of, you'd feel really different after that lunch. I kind of tend to believe that. I call it that guy mode. FTG mode, where you're like, someone will be like, hey, have you met my friend Tim? And I'm like FTG right away. And then you meet them and you go, oh, they're a nice person and they're pretty cool. And so I think if you're feeling jealousy towards your friends and their relationships, go for lunch with them. I think that would be like a purposeful move.

• 1:16:37Speaker 02

  I have a slightly different take.

• 1:16:39Jay Shetty?

  Go ahead, Jordan.

• 1:16:40Speaker 02

  I think one, I think that feeling of jealousy is really like, that's a secondary emotion for what you're really feeling. And maybe what you're really feeling is like a loneliness thing. And I think it's okay to feel that. I think that tells you, that's actually great because it gives you direction. Now you know what you want. So many people have no idea what they want. So I think that's great. I think have lunch with your friends, not to see how miserable they are, or maybe that's, maybe they are, maybe they're miserable, or maybe they have a great relationship and you can say, what was it about this person that made them different? You can get inspired by them. I think you can change, like we go back to the beginning of the episode. You can change your attitude. You can feel like more excited and kind of get like a tip from them. I think it's okay to feel jealous. People are so afraid to say, I feel jealous.

• 1:17:23Speaker 02

  And I don't know why it feels like a very icky emotion, but I think it's okay to feel jealous. Like jealousy is like, I know what I want. I want that. Now I can like really work to figure out how to get it.

• 1:17:35Jay Shetty?

  All right. Good answers so far. That's, all right, this one. This person's not overly impressive to me, but they're loyal and kind. Do I stay or do I go?

• 1:17:46Speaker 03

  I just always think of these things, would I want that person saying that about me at our wedding? And I wouldn't want to be with that person. I don't want to be with someone who pities me, someone who doesn't think. And again, if you're thinking they're not overly impressive, then you're probably very caught up on what other people think of your partner. And that's probably more of a message to you than it is to how they should be. So maybe you have to go and kind of like work that out and why are you thinking that way about your partner? And you should, I would, I would want them to end it with me. I'd be like, I don't want to be thought of like a dog. Oil. That's what you, that's how you talk about the dog.

• 1:18:27Speaker 02

  Right. I mean, I do agree. I think that like you, I would, I would ask myself, what does overly impressive mean to me? And what is that adding to my life? And then, I mean, like, again, I think I, part of dating, especially as you get older, is like figuring out what actually matters. And some people call that settling. And I think other people call that prioritizing what's actually important. So I think I would dig deeper into overly impressive, what that means to me, why I'm so interested in it, and what I think that's going to bring to a partnership.

• 1:18:57Jay Shetty?

  Yeah. Well said. All right. Fifth and final question. We ask this to every guest who's ever been on the show, but I'm going to apply it to dating and relationships. If you could create one dating law that everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be?

• 1:19:10Speaker 03

  Every time you say you're confused about something, exchange the word confused for turned off. So I'm confused they haven't text me back. I'm turned off that they haven't text me back.

• 1:19:25Jay Shetty?

  That's a great answer.

• 1:19:26Speaker 03

  And being turned off doesn't mean it's over. It's something to communicate to the person you're dating. And that's an easy text to send from outside. It's not easy to say on the inside, but to say to someone, hey, I'm a little turned off that you haven't text me back since our date. And that's all you have to say because, again, I only give advice that works on me. Anytime a woman has told me they've been turned off by me, it has motivated me.

• 1:19:54Jay Shetty?

  To impress them.

• 1:19:55Speaker 03

  It motivated me to like, do either end it or be better.

• 1:20:01Jay Shetty?

  Yeah. Motivated you to some action.

• 1:20:02Speaker 02

  Make a move.

• 1:20:03Speaker 03

  To action, make a move. So, so anytime someone says they're confused about something, I've noticed that that's just their way of not telling us that they're turned off.

• 1:20:10Jay Shetty?

  Nice.

• 1:20:11Speaker 03

  So take confused, switch it with turned off, and then communicate that.

• 1:20:15Jay Shetty?

  Great advice. Jared and I finished this off.

• 1:20:17Speaker 02

  I think my mistake I used to make in dating, especially before starting this podcast, is wanting to be the person that someone likes and so set, like not stating your own needs in an effort to get the widest reach of people who are interested in you. But what I've learned is that when you express your needs, you save your own time and you find the better match for you sooner because your needs are your needs. There's no such thing as a wrong need or a right need. It's what works for you. And the sooner you ask or express your need, the sooner you find out if someone's going to meet it and the more time you save on your own.

• 1:20:48Jay Shetty?

  Nice stuff. Jared and Jared, you guys are the best. Great advice, great insight. Anyone who's been listening and watching, make sure you subscribe to You Up if you haven't already. Make sure you cut this into all your clips for TikTok, for Instagram. Tag all three of us. I love seeing the stuff that resonates with you, the stuff that turned you off, the stuff that brought you to life, the things that you're practicing. I want to know who's doing the challenge with Jared.

• 1:21:10Speaker 03

  It's helpful and it'll make you feel, you'll feel refreshed very quickly. I will say that.

• 1:21:16Speaker 02

  You could, you could do the challenge in a relationship. You're just, you know, put your, you're being more, I'm being more social.

• 1:21:23Jay Shetty?

  Okay, all right.

• 1:21:24Speaker 02

  I like the dinner one, yeah.

• 1:21:26Speaker 03

  Make a plan with a couple. It really does.

• 1:21:29Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, it changes it.

• 1:21:30Speaker 03

  It changes things.

• 1:21:31Speaker 02

  Get off your, this challenge is get off your phone.

• 1:21:33Speaker 03

  It's a little bit. When I'm with someone else, I'm off my phone.

• 1:21:37Jay Shetty?

  Jared, Jared, you're the best. I hope you come back soon.

• 1:21:40Speaker 03

  Thank you so much.

• 1:21:40Jay Shetty?

  You guys are awesome. I really hope you'll come back again. We've got a lot more to talk about next time, but I would have kept you here for another hour if I could have. So I'm so grateful. Thank you so much. You guys are awesome.

• 1:21:50Speaker 03

  You're the best, man. We really appreciate it.

• 1:21:51Speaker 02

  This was so great. Thank you so much for having us.

• 1:21:53Jay Shetty?

  If you loved this episode, you're going to love my conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your ex and find true love in your relationships.

• 1:22:03Speaker 05

  People should be compassionate to themselves, but extend that compassion to your future self. Because truly extending your compassion to your future self is doing something that gives him or her a shot at a happy and a peaceful life.

• 1:22:17Speaker 04

  Mr. President, my company told me of the explosion on our rig on October 2nd. Causing massive water displacement and triggering a tsunami.

• 1:22:24Jay Shetty?

  They all keep the blame on me.

• 1:22:26Speaker 04

  Tom Cruise is. Digger got us into this mess and Digger's gonna dig us up. From the director of Birdman and The Revenant.

• 1:22:33Speaker 03

  What would happen if I stopped going? You're stalled, you're freezing there. That's what.

• 1:22:38Speaker 04

  With great power comes great deniability.

• 1:22:41Speaker 03

  I'm not the first daddy.

• 1:22:42Speaker 04

  Digger. See the trailer online. Only appears October 2nd. Rated R. Under 17. Not a middle without parent.