How To Stop People Pleasing

This week, Alex breaks down why we take criticism so personally, and how to stop letting other people’s opinions dictate how we feel about ourselves. She explores how to tell the difference between constructive feedback and someone else’s projected insecurities, and why people-pleasing can slowly ruin your sense of identity. Finally, Alex dives into how to handle family drama at the holidays, what to do if your friend is a pathological liar, and when it’s the right time to break up with your therapist. Enjoy!

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Alex Cooper?

  Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Southern New Hampshire University. Daddy gang, let's get real, okay? We like to make our own rules. Southern New Hampshire University gets it. They let you learn what you want with over 200 career-focused programs, where you want with 100% online courses, and how you want with no set class times. Basically, you get to call the shots from day one. Visit SNHU.edu/callherdaddy to learn more. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Ross. Fall is about finding pieces you love, making them your own and creating looks and spaces just right for the season. Whether you're updating a small apartment or a spacious home, drawn to timeless neutrals or bold seasonal touches,

• 0:45Alex Cooper?

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• 1:30Alex Cooper?

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• 2:10Alex Cooper?

  Hello Daddy Gang, welcome back to another Sunday Session with Your Father. I am so excited for this episode today because I have finally finished reading the book that I have been talking about, The Courage to Be Disliked, and I have so many thoughts that I am ready to dig into with you guys. So first of all, how did I even find this book? Um, one night at 2:00 AM, my brain was doing what a lot of brains do, which is of course during the day, I'm just going about my life. And then all of a sudden, I lay down and I hit the pillow and I'm like, oh my God, what is my career goals? And what am I doing with my life? And am I being a good daughter and sister and wife? And all of this, and I'm like, oh my God.

• 2:54Alex Cooper?

  And so then I was like, I need a book that's going to put me to bed. So I thought that this book, because it's like a very, very like intellectually stimulating book, would hopefully be like more educational and let me go to bed. I ended up reading seven chapters and I could not put this book down. And then it got to 5:00 AM and Matt woke up and he was like, what are you still doing up? I'm like, baby, I've never gone to bed because I became obsessed. When I went into this book thinking, oh, it'll be fun. I'll learn like The Courage to Be Disliked and social media and this will help me. And it's so much deeper than that. I thought, what if I just start highlighting and I start taking notes on the book? And then I can distill it down to you guys because you know, we're all busy

• 3:37Alex Cooper?

  and maybe you guys don't have time to read this book, but I'm going to make you feel like you did. So let's get into it. So when I think about being disliked, it's definitely a concept I feel like a lot of us avoid engaging with. I mean, just on its surface, it's obviously painful to think about the people who don't like you, right? But at the same time, I think our society has become more and more vocal about when we dislike something. And we sort of live in this echo chamber.

• 4:09Alex Cooper?

  Of feedback right now, whether it's online reviews or hate comments, or even just posting an Instagram story. We've all kind of become vulnerable to external critiques. And if you think about it, like, how many times have each and every one of us posted an Instagram, overthought it, checked how many likes it has, or not enough likes, or we've deleted it and we've reposted it because we're like, oh my God, maybe it will do better at this time? And like analyzing who's liking it and like, why didn't this person like it? What does that mean? Do they not like me anymore? And like, we get so in our heads about something that seriously, no one else is really thinking about. Right? Like, even let's say if you live in the most private life ever,

• 4:52Alex Cooper?

  the fear of being negatively perceived by others affects all of us on some level or another. Yes, the extreme is social media, but like, for the most part, you can be at the grocery store, you can be at your job, and it's still affecting you even if you're a non-online person. And so, maybe you have found yourself ruminating for days, let's say, right? Over a friend who you made a joke to, and they found it more hurtful rather than funny. And obviously, your intention was like to be funny. But now you're like sitting at Christmas dinner, and your grandma's like, sweetie, pass the fucking peas! And you can't even hear her because all you're thinking about is the comment that you made to that friend,

• 5:35Alex Cooper?

  and how it was misperceived, and how they now think you're a bitch, and all these things. And so, it can be a lot, because it's like you can, you, you are perceived, and then you're perceiving how they're perceiving you, and that's just life, right? I also want to be clear, criticism is not always a bad thing. Like, when everyone on the internet yelled at me to stop bleaching the shit out of my fucking hair, and just go like, "A little darker, Alex, just tone it down by like a little", that actually was really helpful. And so like, "Thank you, guys." Or like when I had eyebrow blind list, like, those are things that I need to know. But in all seriousness, what reading this book and thinking about being disliked has shown me is that we really need to learn what criticism is ours to take on versus what

• 6:20Alex Cooper?

  is actually just someone else's shit that they're projecting onto us. And so, yes, some feedback is helpful and it's important, but a lot of it, I have found, is an external projection of someone else's insecurities. Because the truth is, like, no one actually gives a fuck that much about you to actually give you constructive criticism half the fucking time. You know what I mean? No one's actually being like, "God, I want Deborah to fucking win today. I'm gonna give Deborah a grade A good advice that's gonna get her to that next level." No, people are fucking selfish and they don't really give a fuck and they're not thinking about how you're gonna succeed in life because everyone's worried about themselves. And so, half the time, if not all the time, a lot of this is projection, right? So I found an article from The Atlantic, because obviously it's book club, you guys.

• 7:04Alex Cooper?

  So I want to read a section from it, and it is called "How to Take and Give Criticism Well" by Arthur C. Brooks. "We all love to criticize. Unfortunately, we also hate being criticized. Fortunately, though, each of us can change how we give and take criticism. Criticism is intrinsically hard to accept because of the ways our brains process it. When someone says, 'Your work isn't good enough,' your natural first thought may be, 'They must not like me,' rather than, 'What can I do to improve it?' When we receive criticism, we take it personal in two ways. First, we may naturally analyze the critic rather than the criticism. Second, we tend to consider the criticism a judgment of our

• 7:46Alex Cooper?

  inherent abilities rather than our objective performance. The solution is to set up an internal affirmation such as, 'I don't care what this feedback says about the person giving it, and I choose not to see it as a personal attack on me. I will assess it on its face about the matter at hand, nothing more, nothing less.' This won't save your feelings entirely, but it's a helpful approach, one that moves the focus from emotional to analysis. That enables you to judge the information on its merits, or lack thereof, as you would if it were about someone else. Once you depersonalize criticism in this way, you can start to see it for what it is."

• 8:28Alex Cooper?

  Okay, when I read that, I was like, I need to read that again and again and again. And I can also link the article for you guys. The concept of depersonalizing criticism, I think, is really, really important. And I genuinely believe Daddy Gang, like, if we are all able to implement this more into our lives, it is going to change our lives. So say you're getting negative feedback from someone. How does the way that you receive that feedback change if you were to have those exact same words said to you by your best friend? Or your mom? Or your partner instead? Like, every single person, if they said the same thing, you're gonna feel differently about it, right? Because you have different relationships to these people, you have different history with these people,

• 9:12Alex Cooper?

  you have different projections of these people. And so the way that we take feedback depends on our perception of the person dispensing it. But that shouldn't necessarily be the case always. And again, I know this is all so much harder said than done, but I feel like when we become cognizant of these things, like, I've already started doing it since reading this book where I'm like, oh, my God, wait, I was taking that too personally. That person was literally not, that wasn't meant to be personal. And so it's like, just to start to train our brains, right? Like, we need to learn to take the person out of the note and separate our interpersonal dynamic with that person from the actual critique that they are giving us. Let me give you an example, okay? Back when I was working at my magazine job in my early twenties,

• 9:56Alex Cooper?

  I had a boss pull me into her office and give me a note along the lines of, "You're not working fast enough and you need to be more focused." Little did she know, I was like, literally writing YouTube ideas. And she's like, "How many ads have you sold for the magazine, Alex?" And I'm like, "On my way, girl, never sold one." Um, so she was right, actually, she was completely right. There was no projection there, 100%. I was working slow, if anything, I wasn't working at all. Okay, babe, I was doing fucking jack shit, okay? I was on my way out. Um, I was just like there for the free heat and the free snacks and a little bit of the paycheck. It wasn't much, but it would do. But at that time in my life, you guys, even though if I'm, like, if I looked inward, I could have been like, "That's the honest truth." I wasn't able to take that note on its face. I completely spiraled.

• 10:41Alex Cooper?

  I started stressing about how my boss must hate me or think I'm lazy. And I crashed out worrying that I was about to get fired, which I absolutely should have. But I probably honestly went out that night and took like 20 fucking tequila shots to try to make myself better, feel better. And I was like so awkward the next day when I saw her and I was avoiding eye contact and I was like in my fucking head.

• 11:02Alex Cooper?

  And I let that one comment completely destroy how I felt about myself in that moment. The one thing I didn't do was actually just like hear the note and be like, you lazy piece of shit. Like, yeah, you, she's right, Alex, you aren't doing your job. You're taking nudes in the bathroom. You're literally taking nudes in the bathroom. You haven't sold anything, babe. Like, lock in. But instead, I just started to overanalyze everything. And so now I will share that I am on the other side and I'm running my own company. And so I think about my boss at that point and like, she had no idea what was going on in my life. She didn't even know I was writing YouTube ideas. She was just like, hey, you're not doing this. We need this better. Bye. And then she probably never thought about me again. Now, as a boss myself, I have a totally different perspective.

• 11:44Alex Cooper?

  And I kind of want to share this with you guys because now having been an employee and now being a boss, I want to acknowledge, I know it can be really stressful to hear something that you need to improve on at work. That is your livelihood, that is your career, and we're trying our best, right? But I want you guys to hear it from me when I say, trust me, it is usually not a personal attack when your boss gives you feedback. So if you're the girl crying in the bathroom for hours after one constructive comment, like me, from your boss, I see you and I just want to acknowledge you, but I'm basically saying, we gotta talk. Because what I've learned from my experience is your boss wouldn't give you feedback if they didn't think you were capable of taking it.

• 12:29Alex Cooper?

  And so in my opinion, as a boss, and there may be people with differing opinions, but in actuality, getting a note from your boss means that they believe in you and they think you're able to actually make changes. Like Matt and I have talked about this, there are people that we are constantly pushing at our company because we can feel, it's like, oh, my God, they just need a little bit more of this and they're going to fucking thrive and they could take over that division or whatever it be. And then there are some people, if I'm honest, where you're kind of like, they're at that max capacity and there's no point to try to give them that feedback because I know they can't do that thing. You know what I mean? And it's like, so feedback a lot of the times is good, you guys. Now, obviously, I want to acknowledge, if you have a boss that is just like constantly moving the goalpost and doesn't know what they want and They're constantly coming at you being like, well, you didn't do this and this.

• 13:15Alex Cooper?

  Yes, that's not helpful. And then that is probably on them. But most of the time, your boss is actually just making a comment just to help you and they, they didn't know if you were having a bad week. They don't know what's going on in your life when they're giving you this note and this constructive criticism. And they aren't sitting there actively trying to make your day worse. They're like, okay, Cassandra didn't hear her numbers this week. She's just gonna go over and tell her. Meanwhile, you're like, my boyfriend broke up with me and now my fucking boss hates me. And it's like, no, he was just like giving you the update. And so I think in a normal work environment, trying to understand, it's like, they don't hate you. And they don't think you're the worst person to ever exist.

• 13:56Alex Cooper?

  They're not thinking about you other than you are an employee and this is what I need you to do, period. So that's a perfect example where it's really recognizing like feedback isn't personal a lot of the times. It's just a necessary part of every job, right? Now, that's work. But let's say that your boyfriend gives you the note that he,

• 14:18Alex Cooper?

  like, he didn't feel like you were there for him when he recently had a shitty day, okay? And taking something like that so personally and spiraling about all of the ways that you're not a perfect girlfriend, that isn't productive to actually fixing the one thing that he needed from you in that moment, right? So take yourself out of it. How would you judge that information if it were about someone else, right? Like, this is, this is always thinking it from a third POV. It's like, imagine your best friend having this convo with her partner. What would you say to her as advice, right? You'd be like, wait, it doesn't even seem that bad. So now flip it on the other side. How can you apply that mindset to yourself? If you know you're always gonna give your friend that advice of like, babe, he just wanted you there from, he loves you.

• 15:03Alex Cooper?

  It's not that deep. How do we apply that to ourselves? As I was reading this article, I recognized that deconstructive criticism is almost always based on someone else's insecurities, right? So these are comments that are truly just intended to undermine you or to hurt you. So right now, we're talking about, there's either deconstructive criticism, which is like, yes, this is a piece of shit asshole that's trying to fuck with you. Or there's actually like constructive criticism where it's like, guys, stop taking it personal. This is just a note that you needed to be given. I feel like a good example of this is, we all have.

• 15:42Alex Cooper?

  We all have that one beloved friend, right? The one who says, just like a little backhanded compliment, like, oh, my God, you're so brave to post that picture. Holy shit. Wait, Candace, that's like crazy. I'm so proud of you. And you're like, what? Or they're like, oh, my God, I could never spend that much time putting on makeup every single day. Like, you're so dedicated. And you're like, and you want to be like, okay, well, you're busted. And so it's like, yes, we've had that friend that just says little things that make you feel like shit about yourself and you don't understand why are they doing this? And then as you grow up, you're like, oh, I know why they're doing it. Cause it has nothing to do with you. It's all about them. Right?

• 16:24Alex Cooper?

  What's really going on with deconstructive, mean criticism is it is just a representation of someone else's personal shit. This person needs to be purposefully hurtful to feel better about themselves. And their inability to restrain themselves from making these, just like asshole dig comments about other people. It's not your problem. I also think something that I've been getting better at is like, if you met me in high school and someone said something rude to me or to my friend, I would snap back immediately. Now, as I've gotten older, when someone says something like that of like, oh, my God, you like the makeup, blah, blah, yeah, you wear so much makeup. When I was younger, I would have been like, oh, my God, well, you're a dumb, ugly cunt.

• 17:09Alex Cooper?

  So do you want to borrow some? Now, and I, I think I've said this on another episode, most of the time, my answer is always, and this is shout out to my father. He always used to say this, say this, whenever someone says something, you can feel they're trying to put you down. I'm always just like, what's your point? They're like, oh, well, it's just like crazy. Like, I would never do that much makeup. No, for sure. What's your point?

• 17:35Alex Cooper?

  Is your point to make me feel, you know what I mean? It's like, where are they gonna go with that? And I think it's like, that's where if you turn it on them, when they, and again, if you ask a boss that, "Oh, you're not doing your job. What's your point?" "I want you to hit your Q4 goals, Alex." And I want you to, do you see the difference? It's like when there actually can be a "What's your point?" And there's an actual fucking understandable answer after the "What's the point?" That is constructive criticism. When it happens with deconstructive criticism? Deconstructive criticism equals, AKA, "You're dealing with a fucking asshole, bro." And that ain't your shit to fucking carry. And I think a lot of times it's hard to discern, like, "Ooh, should I take this personally or not?" Because we're all dealing with our own shit, right?

• 18:18Alex Cooper?

  And so it's hard not to personalize everything because we're all living our own worlds. So when someone does say something about you with your makeup, imagine if you were having a bad skin day. You're gonna take it personally and think that she was actually kinda making a jab about your skin and all these things. It's really not about that usually, right? And but you personalize it because you're not feeling XYZ. And so the more that you can do self-work, it does actually become so much easier to depersonalize these things and be like, "Yeah, I don't know, man. I don't know what your point of that comment is, but like, I'm gonna go eat a sandwich." Like, literally don't care. And then it kinda leaves them also holding the bag. There's nothing better, and I'm sure Daddy Gang, you've had it, where you're, someone is being rude at a lunch or whatever, and when there's that one person that kinda has the balls to be like,

• 19:03Alex Cooper?

  "That's like a really weird thing to say." Or, or the best is like, "We, sorry, what did you say? Can you repeat that?" And then they say it again, you're like, "Wait, no, sorry, I, sorry, I..." Everyone's being so loud, "What did you say again?" And then when someone says something rude and you ask them to repeat it three times, they start to get so insecure. And so it's like, yes, it's nice in those moments when it's, you can call it out for what it is, but it's rare. Because especially as women, we're like, "I don't wanna be called a bitch, so just like, take the rude, rude comment and just like, keep it fucking moving." We know on the surface that these comments aren't actually about us. Like, especially when you have hindsight, right? Hindsight's always 20/20. You get home, you're laying in bed, you're able to process it. But yet, these criticisms can still feel extremely personal to us,

• 19:47Alex Cooper?

  but that's because they are bringing something up for us that we still need to work on within ourselves. I think when I started on the internet, I...

• 19:59Alex Cooper?

  It's almost weird. It's like when I first started the internet, I didn't really care what anyone was saying about me because I was just like get clicks, get views, like build my career. And then as I started to become a little bit more established with Call Her Daddy, I definitely started to read the comments and be like, oh, maybe I should change that about my, you know, makeup or my hair or my outfits or my this or my that. And then I went through a period of time where I just kind of felt like this like floating bubble where I would just do whatever anyone was kind of saying about me on the internet because I felt so unsure of who I was because of how much commentary there was about who I am. And I was like, I don't think that's true, but maybe it is true. And it's like, it was such a mindfuck. And I had imposter syndrome and all these things. But now I

• 20:43Alex Cooper?

  think I don't allow those comments to get to me anymore just because I've, one, I've dealt with it for too long, but also I've done the work on myself where I'm like, no, no, no, I know exactly when I read a comment. If I'm like, yeah, you're right. I shouldn't have done that. I was a fucking asshole in that moment. Or, oh, no, that's not true. But it just takes knowing yourself more. And it's still a journey with me. I don't like, I'm not 100% there, but I can feel the difference. But it comes as you just continue to work on yourself.

• 21:26Alex Cooper?

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• 22:08Alex Cooper?

  My Mochi. And when you give me that plus a good chocolate, I'm gonna have that in my freezer. Every single night, I'm gonna pop one in. I am obsessed. I love it so much. Taste the joy with every bite of My Mochi ice cream. Look for the green and brown box of My Mochi Dubai Chocolate Ice Cream in the freezer aisle of your local grocery store. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Southern New Hampshire University. Daddy gang, let's get real, okay? We like to make our own rules. Southern New Hampshire University gets it. They let you learn what you want with over 200 career-focused programs, where you want with 100% online courses, and how you want with no set class times.

• 22:50Alex Cooper?

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• 23:32Alex Cooper?

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• 24:11Alex Cooper?

  As humans, when we want validation and we don't receive it,

• 24:17Alex Cooper?

  it can mess with the way that we value ourselves. Whether you get passed over for a promotion, or you aren't added to the group chat, or even sometimes as small as like not getting hit on when you're out at the bar, but your friend does. Like, we start to measure our own value by other people's reaction of us. And if we can learn to be okay with our lives regardless of the external responses that we're getting, can you imagine how much fucking better our life would be? I mean, we'd be free, especially as women. Because we're always constantly saying like, "Oh, how do I look? And what do I wear? And what's my weight looking like?" And it's like, how do you feel? Who gives a fuck what anyone else thinks, right? And I'm not saying that you need to like, right now, today,

• 25:02Alex Cooper?

  fully love yourself and be totally okay with who you are no matter what. Like, that's not even like, I get it, it's not 100% possible. But this isn't actually even fully about internal confidence, right? It's about slowly building your way to it by changing how you choose to engage with the people around you. Like, half the battle is like, "Yeah, no, no, babe, we have so much work to do within ourselves. Don't even get it fucking twisted." But the first step could be like, "Let's just block out the fucking noise of all these other fucking freaks around us." Step one, got it? Okay, because we all have way too much shit to deal with within ourselves, right? So like, dealing with other people's perceptions of us and their judgments? I can't even fucking take it. I don't want to even hear it. And of course, it's nice to hear when someone has nice things to say about you. I think that's also where it gets confusing, right?

• 25:47Alex Cooper?

  Like, "Oh my God," and if someone's giving you compliments and all these things. It's like, I think something we also need to keep in mind is if we live our lives, and this is what I felt like so much of the book was about that really struck me. It's like, if we live our lives in hopes of avoiding criticism or pushback or critiques, and we're so fueled by people's positive perceptions of us. That's how you become a chronic people pleaser. That's how you lose yourself. That's how you don't have an identity. If you're sitting here and you're like, Alex, this is me. Like, I am 100% a people pleaser. Like, please, what the actual F can I do about this? This is me to my core. I am here today to tell you that I've got you, okay?

• 26:32Alex Cooper?

  Reading this book has really opened my eyes to the idea that trying to avoid being disliked is really the same thing as changing your identity for someone else. If you are constantly like, okay, and then to please this person, oh, my God, that person's gonna think this of me, so I'm gonna fix my posture, and I'm gonna say the thing that I know is gonna get them. It's like, babe, where did you go? What do you want to do? Do you actually want to do that? Or were you just doing it to please them? Because then it will gain you some social equity, because then they'll invite you to the party, and then you're at the party, you're not even having fun, because they don't even know who the real you is, because you haven't been able to be honest with yourself. You're not even acting like yourself anymore. And all of a sudden, you're just like this fucking floundering fish that's like, I appease these people, and this, blah, blah, blah. And then you get home at night, and you're fucking emotionally drained, and then you

• 27:16Alex Cooper?

  start to become resentful of everyone around you. But it's like, but who's doing this? You. You have the ability to stop it. And so I want to finish the, this little rant on the courage to be disliked with some of my favorite quotes that I highlighted as I was reading the book. And I just want everyone to really lock in. If you're not driving, just close your eyes and listen to these statements and try to really sink them in and take them in, okay?

• 27:48Alex Cooper?

  "You are afraid of being negated by other people. You're afraid of being treated disparagingly, being refused, and sustaining deep mental wounds. But do other people actually look at you so much? Are they really watching you around the clock and lying in wait for the perfect moment to attack? It seems rather unlikely." So this book...

• 28:13Alex Cooper?

  The way, so basically, the entire book is set up where it is a philosopher having a dialogue with a young adult. And the young adult is skeptical of, wait, the courage to be disliked, like, I want people to like me, I don't want people to dislike me. And the philosopher is essentially saying, no, no, no one wants to be disliked, but to relinquish the feeling of I have to be loved and I have to be liked, then you can just sit in your truth and enjoy your fucking life. And if people don't like you, it rolls off your fucking back and it's okay. And so I love this quote because it's kind of such a good point. It's like, guys, we're in our heads about how much other people are fucking thinking about us. We're all, in some capacity, a little narcissistic because, again, we're living on our own bodies, we're living in our own world.

• 28:58Alex Cooper?

  So actually, ask yourself the next time someone gives you constructive criticism, or even deconstructive, is it that deep? Or are you making it seem that deep? Do you think this person actually was sleeping all night dreaming about this moment? They could be like, Bob, the work hasn't been up to, to top tier lately. And you're like, oh, they literally hate me. And they're like, no, Bob, maybe the work has just not been up to top tier. And then once you get up to top tier, they're gonna be like, yo, Bob, great work! Like, it's that simple. It really has nothing to do with your personality. Next quote that I highlighted, wishing so hard to be recognized will lead to a life of following expectations held by other people who want you to be a certain kind of person.

• 29:41Alex Cooper?

  In other words, you throw away who you really are and you live other people's lives. Again, I know I kind of hit on this, but like, as I read this book and I read chapter after chapter, it started to dawn on me. And, you know, this is a thing for me, because I have like more of a public life, and it also can relate to anyone that doesn't, but for me, just to share, like, I think for so long, whenever I saw a narrative on social media about myself, I had such a hard time, like, separating myself from it. Because when you see people misunderstanding you, you're like, well, you know, that's not true, like, I want to fix that. If they're misunderstanding me, it's because whether they saw something and it stuck with them and they don't want to understand me, or whatever it be, that's okay.

• 30:26Alex Cooper?

  But I can't now lose sleep over that. That's not my problem. What other people think about me is not my problem, nor is it should be yours, right? Okay, next one.

• 30:37Alex Cooper?

  It is true that there is no person who wishes to be disliked. But look at it this way. What should one do to not be disliked by everyone and anyone? There is only one answer. It is to constantly gauge other people's feelings while swearing loyalty to all of them. That is fucking exhausting to everyone listening to me right now. What this person is basically saying is if you are constantly trying to appease everyone around you, you then have no identity and you lose yourself and you are no one to yourself. And so would you rather spend your entire life appeasing everyone in front of you? Or live a life of freedom?

• 31:17Alex Cooper?

  Because I genuinely believe to have the courage to be disliked, not that you want to be disliked, but to have the courage to have not everyone love you. That is true freedom. That's when you find yourself in your life being like, huh? Oh, my God. I have the people that understand me and love me and the people that don't, that's okay. But I'm good no matter what. And you see these people, right? You see these people at work, you see these people in your friendships, the people that are so hell bent on no, listen to me, this is who I am and this is, and you're like, oh, my God, chill, chill. No one really fucking cares. No one really fucking cares about anyone truly other than themselves. So to exhaust yourself trying to prove all these things to other people,

• 32:02Alex Cooper?

  babe, they're paying attention for fucking two seconds and then they're going back to their own fucking life. So who's really winning in that? You appease these people, but they're not actually paying attention to you. And so then you're home at night and you're like, okay, so now Marty likes me and, um, you know, Chris likes me and Cassandra likes me and fucking Frenny is now like more liking to me and blah, blah, blah. And I'm like.

• 32:25Alex Cooper?

  And you were fake as fuck all day, you're exhausted. Let it fucking go. Another one. We're almost done. When one does that, for the time being, one will have succeeded in not being disliked by anyone. How incredible most people online would probably think, right? What a concept. But at this point, there is a great contradiction looming. If one is living in such a way as to satisfy other people's expectations, and one is entrusting one's own life to others, that is a way of living in which one is lying to oneself. Freedom is being disliked by other people. It is proof that you are living in accordance

• 33:06Alex Cooper?

  with your own principles, not other people's opinions and other people's principles. There's a cost incurred when one wants to exercise this freedom, and the cost for freedom in interpersonal relationships is that one is disliked by other people. And you guys, I'm in this era of my life, that's fucking okay. I am more than okay if someone dislikes me because they don't know me, or they are, you know, determined to misunderstanding me, or they don't like me because my hair is this color, or, you know, I have a certain, you know, way I talk, or my mannerisms, or my husband, or whatever the fuck it is that they want to do. If someone doesn't like me, that's their own fucking prerogative.

• 33:48Alex Cooper?

  And it's really fucking freeing to be like, I don't care. It doesn't mean you're being a bitch to all the women listening, because I know our first reaction is like, wait, oh my god, everyone's gonna think I'm like, a fucking horrible person. No. No, because the more women that start to act like this, I genuinely believe it'll be a domino effect, ladies, where it's like, all of a sudden, if more women are bold and direct, no, I don't like that. Thank you so much. I don't, I don't need that. Thank you. No, I'm good. Thank you. Um, no, I don't personally like that. I'm gonna do without it. Like, if you can actually just say how you're feeling, again, not being rude, but being direct, instead of adding all these fucking flowery languages as a woman that we feel like we need to do,

• 34:33Alex Cooper?

  because, oh my god, what if I hurt someone's... Guys, we're gonna live a way fucking better life. And so, I think the courage to being disliked, ultimately what it does, is it gives you the ability to stop taking things so personally, while also exploring the parts of yourself that you actually want to work on, without it being under anyone else's vision, or wants, or needs of you. And it's kind of so fucking freeing. If you bend too much to other people's ideas of how you should be, then how much of your identity is just gonna be molded to what other people think? And that's why I talk a lot about this with the creators at the Unwell Network, where I'm like, guys, I've been doing this for a while, so I'm now able to step away from it, but I can see when young creators are like, but they said this, this, this. It's like, who are you anymore?

• 35:18Alex Cooper?

  And that's why you see the difference in creators at the very beginning of their career to then when they hit that like, okay, now people are paying attention. When they start, no one's paying attention, so no one has anything to fucking say about it. Right? They can be themselves 100% because they're just hoping anyone will watch. And then when some people start watching and actually giving criticism to who they are as a human being, all of a sudden, they start to placate to the audience. They start to be like, okay, wait, I am gonna dress the way that they're telling me, or I am gonna fix this. And all of a sudden, you're a fucking puppet. And then everyone says you're not relatable and you're not genuine anymore. But it's like, yes, because you were listening to all these people and their commentary. Turn it the fuck off. I always say to creators, and I've done this about myself sometimes, go back and watch some of the first videos you ever uploaded to the internet. Scary as fucking hell.

• 36:03Alex Cooper?

  Scary as fucking hell. But go look. Same thing to people who aren't online. Do you have pictures from Facebook or Instagram, how you used to post all the time? Or do you have friend groups that you felt like you used to do things with, but now maybe you're in a more judgmental friend group? Get out of it. Get out of it and just do what the fuck you want. Life is really fucking short. Like, I'm sure all of us know someone that passed away this year, whether old or young, whatever it is. Life is so fucking short. And I know that's corny to say, but it's literally our reality. We don't know how much time we have here. And imagine if your whole life you spend it fucking trying to appease other people and you never actually learn who you are, because all of yourself is given to all other people and it's built around what all other people want of you.

• 36:44Alex Cooper?

  Engaging with the world around you from a place of authenticity is actually, sure, may lead to some people not liking you. That's okay. Them disliking you has no real effect on your life. If you don't let it. If you don't need their validation because you have your own validation, bitch, you're fucking good. I hope this can be almost like a 2026 goal of all of us, daddy gang, of like, we are not going to fucking live to appease other people and we are going to live for ourselves this year. And at least that's what I'm going to do. And I hope that this could be at all inspiring for anyone that needed this. And again, I know I'm obviously in one profession and I hope you guys feel that like I'm, I understand we're all in different

• 37:25Alex Cooper?

  life phases and places and we all have different careers and we're all, maybe some people are single, listening to this and relationships, whatever it be. I understand that, but there is such a commonality between we are all so fucking exhausted by trying to please all the people around us. And what if we just fucking stop?

• 37:49Alex Cooper?

  What if we just didn't do that this year? Let me know if this was helpful. Um, and I'm going to start reading my next book. I don't know what it's going to be yet. Um, I started reading this book from the 1950s that is all about feminism and I'm, it's a, it's a, it's a about a thousand and 700 pages. So I'll probably finish that by 2027. And that may be a little too heavy right now, but maybe we'll get into that one day. Um, yeah, but for now I love you all and I hope that was helpful. So let's do a little pivot. We gotta do a little pivot because now let's apply this to your actual life, daddy gang. Let's go to fucking French, bitches. Questions of the motherfucking week.

• 38:48Alex Cooper?

  Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Airbnb. Okay, I am well into my third trimester now, so I haven't really been able to travel because I need to stay close to my doctor. But spending all this time at home has made me start thinking about all the places that I want to go once the baby is here. I have literally been sitting on my couch with the TV on scrolling through Airbnb and planning trips. I am nowhere ready to take yet, but suddenly my vacation priorities, I will say, are completely different. Like, does the house have enough bedrooms? Is there a big kitchen? Does the furniture look baby safe? Or is every table covered in, you know, sharp corners? And obviously, we need an extra room for my mom, who has already made it very clear

• 39:33Alex Cooper?

  that she will not be leaving my side. She's like, I got you. I'm the babysitter, okay? And now that it is October, I'm picturing cooler weather, cozy sweaters, oh my God, maybe a little cottage where we can escape for a little weekend. That's what I love about booking a home on Airbnb. Whether you're traveling with family, friends, or your partner, everyone has space to relax while still being together. Even if you're traveling for a concert or game, you have one place where everyone can get together and convene after. Before the holiday season gets busy, treat yourself to one more fall getaway and check out Airbnb while you're planning it. This is a paid ad by BetterHelp. So anytime that I am finding myself having a habit that

• 40:17Alex Cooper?

  I just cannot kick, I'm like, okay, I need to talk about this in therapy. Listen, guys, everyone has habits, mindsets, or patterns that don't serve them. But recognizing what they are and learning how to let them go can be so important. It's literally the first step towards creating meaningful change. And therapy with BetterHelp, one of the leading online therapy platforms, can be a space to explore where those patterns come from and develop healthier habits and mindsets for a more fulfilling life. With over 30,000 therapists worldwide, BetterHelp has served millions of people globally. BetterHelp makes it easier to fit therapy into your routine with flexible ways to connect that work for different schedules and lifestyles. Plus, BetterHelp therapists have at least three years and 1,000 hours.

• 41:01Alex Cooper?

  On hand experience and hold all required education, training and certifications. You can meet with a range of professionals from marriage and family therapists to social workers and counselors. So Daddy Gang, if you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com/daddy. That's better H E L P dot com slash daddy. All right, question one. Hey Alex, I listened to your episode on handling the holidays and I need advice. My hopefully future in-laws insisted that my boyfriend and I spend Christmas with them. I wanted to ask if I could bring my mom since she's recently divorced and has lost several family members around this time of year.

• 41:45Alex Cooper?

  The holidays are really hard for her. My boyfriend offered to ask for me because his parents can be complicated. They politely declined, saying it wasn't personal, but they just don't feel comfortable and would rather meet her another time. I'm really hurt and now don't know how to move forward with his family. How should I handle this? Okay, this is, in my opinion, beyond inappropriate. I 100% understand that when it comes to holidays, there's so many politics involved with like new family and mother-in-laws and extended family and all this is so confusing. But the fact that it is your mother, that's it. You're not asking for your aunts, your uncles.

• 42:26Alex Cooper?

  Even, even if it's like, I don't even, I wouldn't even say if even if it was your mom and your dad, that's still okay. It's like, it's your one immediate family member that is alone on the holidays. I, my advice is I would then politely go back and decline going to Christmas with them. Leaving your mom alone on the holidays, right? As she was going through a divorce, like I just, again, do what you want, but I kind of would politely decline. And I think your mom really needs you right now, obviously. And going through this divorce, losing family members during the holidays, this is one of the hardest times of year. I think it's also just like a really. Eye opening for you and you should now kind of reflect and look at the rest of your

• 43:10Alex Cooper?

  interactions with these type of people because I don't know what type of person would deny someone on a major holiday like this. Listen, I understand if it was your boyfriend's mom's birthday party. Let's start there. Your boyfriend's mom's birthday party and you asked if your mom could come and she was like, I'm literally only doing my immediate family. Like, I'm so sorry. Still kind of weird because it's your literal mom, but like maybe because it's like her terms, whatever. It's fucking Christmas. We're spreading cheer up in this bitch, motherfucker, and you can't allow this poor divorced woman to just slide in. She's probably gonna be like meek and sad and lonely and she's gonna sit there and just eat a lamb chop and she's gonna be like sitting there drinking gin. Like, the fuck? She just wants to like be around people

• 43:53Alex Cooper?

  and like here's some fucking Christmas carols. And these people are the Grinch being like, no, this is a very like intimate whatever. Okay, well, if it's that intimate, maybe you shouldn't even be going, right? Because you don't have a ring on your finger yet, so peace the fuck out. Dude, holiday shit with families, like I just, oh, God bless and good night. Question number two. Hi Daddy, how do you deal with a friend who is a total pathological liar? Um, alright. One of my best friends from college has been making up stories about guys and quote boyfriends for the last two years. We're four years out of school and she still comes up with these wild detail stories about men no one has ever met. I know she's, she'd react, I know she'd

• 44:36Alex Cooper?

  react badly if I confronted her and honestly, she probably needs therapy, but she constantly calls and messages me with updates and I don't have time to listen to stories that aren't even real. What do I do?

• 44:48Alex Cooper?

  Okay, wait. There's a couple things. Number one, my like initial reaction is like, I get you're just out of college. Oh, I'm like, wait, hold on to this friend because there's something like so funny with it when you get to your 30s and a lot of your friends are like getting married and having kids. Like, I would love for a friend like this right now. Make up the stories all you want. Give me the fucking psychotic tea and I'll just listen to your problem. The only thing I will say is I don't do phone calls. Send me a voice message. That's what you need to say. Babe, I need to hear the tea on Gerard. Like, I can't even, wait, oh my God, this like, he's like a Russian oligarch, like dead. Tell me more. Oh my God, wait, like, tell me more. Just voice note it to me. I think you could start telling her to voice note you because you can either

• 45:32Alex Cooper?

  listen or not listen, but then sometimes as you're like cooking dinner that night, honestly, it could be a funny story time to like, listen to your fucking psychotic friend. She's like, "So then we traveled through the candy cane forest." And then you're like, "No way, no way." Like, "You fucking crazy bitch." Like, it's kind of like a podcast episode that you get to listen to and like, just pretend. Um, I get it though, if you're like, "Babe, like, I don't have fucking time for this and you're gonna tell me again." Like, "Okay, so then I met up with the Backstreet Boys, and then I met the Backstreet Boys' best friends, and then me and Justin Timberlake were having sex." And then I'm like, "What is happening?" Like, that could get a little tiresome because you're like, "It's not story time." Um, I think you can just be supportive and you can just start to like, maybe not take the calls as much, to be honest.

• 46:14Alex Cooper?

  I think when it comes to friends like this, it's one thing if she's lying about you. She's just kind of living in her own world. And also, what if the stories are true? Maybe you've never met the men, but like, maybe she's got this secret life. And you're just privy to these dope stories. I don't know. As long as she's not talking about you, I think like, if she ever continues and you've caught, catch her in a lie, is it really, I don't know. It just seems like some of these are, they're, none of these are nefarious. Like, they're kind of like, whatever. But I get it, as you're out of dinner and it's like the fifth night in a row and she's like, "So, Christoph took me to Italy last night." You're like, "Babe, we were literally in the Lower East Side last night. How the fuck were you in Italy?" And she's like, "Oh, right. Christoph took me to the Upper East Side last night."

• 46:59Alex Cooper?

  And you're like, "Okay, this ain't fucking tracking, Deb." I get it, can be confusing. Um, but I don't really think it's like that intense. If it's not hurting you, let her fucking have her moment, okay? Okay, next question. "Hi Daddy, I need help. One of my closest friends has a boyfriend who constantly flirts with me." I, like, men?

• 47:22Alex Cooper?

  At this point, I'm like, I hope no men listen to this podcast because you all disgust me, except for my lovely husband. Hi, Matt. Um, okay. At first, I brushed it off as his personality, but it's gotten weird. He compliments my outfits in a way that feels... ...dot, dot, dot, pointed. He sends me memes on Instagram at like 1 a.m. Oh, my God. And last weekend, at a group hang, he made a joke about how if he met me first, things would be different. I've never encouraged it, but it's making me uncomfortable. And now I feel awkward around her. Do I tell her? Do I distance myself? Am I overreacting? I don't want to blow up their relationship, but it's getting messy. Um, okay. So your natural first reaction as a human being

• 48:06Alex Cooper?

  would be like, you have to tell your friend. But in my old age, in my old age, I've realized that a lot of times when people have relationships like this, they know. They know. They doggone know. Sweetie, she knows Bert's in and around you. And because you're not the only one he's in and around, okay? And so Stephanie's like, looking the other way when Bert's fucking feeling up Auntie's fucking leg at Thanksgiving this, this year. Because he's, she's kind of just like, it's all right. That's my Bert. And she kind of dissociates and she kind of pretends that Bert's not finger banging everyone under the table because she's just going through her fucking shit.

• 48:51Alex Cooper?

  Okay. So my first reaction is, if you asked me in college, I'd be like, you need to fucking sit her down and tell her. If you asked me now, I'd be like, you're probably closer to losing a friend if you bring this up. The only way you could bring this up, in my opinion, is if you do it in a way that's like, hey, like, I just wanted to, like, be honest with you. Like, Bert messages me sometimes at 1:00, and I know you guys are obviously always together. So I just wanted to check, like, are those memes from you or for him? Because obviously, it's from him, like... I don't like is I feel like that's like we're not on we're not that close like I feel like he's like or unless you think like what I just want to check with you Stephanie and kind of give it to her to be like

• 49:35Alex Cooper?

  oh no Bertie's just obsessed with memes he's a meme addict like Bert just loves to get people riled up in the DMs he sends everyone those memes and then you're like okay like what about the hand on the thigh and she's like no Bert does that to everyone even my mom so like you kind of have to gauge I think in a very very lightweight to your friend that feels non-threatening and you're not attacking her be like wait oh my god Bert's always DMing me DMs like are you the one sending those or is that Bert and if and if she's like wait what are you talking about you can be like oh my god wait Stephanie I like I figured you knew cuz it's I but I oh my god like dude I'm I I don't want like like tell me what to do and I'll do it like what do you want me to do?

• 50:19Alex Cooper?

  If she looks at you and looks at all like there's 1% of like I don't trust you there's a little bit of venom or like hey no no shut the fuck up then you fucking drop it. Now that's on one hand with your relationship pivot now to I think you said uncomfortable about three times in that statement. This is where friendship gets really fucking weird because I think as we get older people hold on to relationships and they're in unhealthy relationships and and then sometimes it can affect you as you're the friend right? If you're feeling uncomfortable because this guy is making inappropriate comments to you about your body and your outfits and all of this I think you do have the right to say to him hey Bert

• 51:01Alex Cooper?

  I don't want you to continue to comment on what I'm wearing what I look like I am uncomfortable and can you please stop messaging me? I don't I you are Stephanie's boyfriend this is crossing a boundary in my opinion and I don't want to be a part of this. You're putting me in a very uncomfortable situation. That's fair for you to say I just want you to know that a lot of times when boyfriends are doing that type of shit he's gonna be like oh fuck and he's gonna run to Stephanie and he's gonna spin it and tell her something different and you're gonna now somehow become the bad guy. I'm not saying that's always the case it's just I've I've I don't know I mean girls you can write in but I've had way too many fucking situations where there's a creepy boyfriend. Most of the time the girlfriend fucking knows you guys and so.

• 51:47Alex Cooper?

  A lot of times that means you have to distance yourself from this person. Because somehow if you're, somehow if you're the bad guy, it's like, how did I become the bad guy in this situation? It's not your fucking fault.

• 52:15Alex Cooper?

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• 53:00Alex Cooper?

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• 53:17Alex Cooper?

  Okay, next question. "Hi Daddy, I need advice. I've been seeing my therapist for about three years now, and I've grown and learned so much from her, but ultimately, I feel like I'm hitting a wall. There are some long stretches of silence in our sessions, and I find myself running out of things to address with her. Even when I have something going on I want to talk through, I feel like we don't just vibe the way that we used to. Do I need to break up with my therapist?" Okay, part of the therapy process, in my opinion... Is changing therapists at some point in your life, listen, there may be people listening that beautifully have had the same therapist for 17 fucking years and you've never been stronger. Love that for you. There are some people that get to the three year mark and they're like, okay, I feel like I did all the work here and now I need to move on to each their own. But I think it's really natural. And I think sometimes it

• 54:02Alex Cooper?

  just feels really horrible to break up with a therapist because you're like, wait, this person knows so much about me and I kind of don't want to start over with a new therapist, but I'm also feeling like we're kind of stagnant. My advice to you is, in a beautiful way, this is how you know that it's probably time to move on. You need to be pushed in a way that she used to push you and you guys have kind of, all the work has been done here. I have broken up with a therapist before and my advice is, you are so lovely and you say, hey, I wanted to come to you and thank you because so much of my life, you have helped and you have changed and I'm finding myself in a beautiful way, having grown so much as a person since I met you. And I think now I've kind of, I'm entering

• 54:44Alex Cooper?

  this next chapter of my life where I think I'm ready to try like, a new therapy and a new experience and a new person to kind of, yet again, push me outside of my comfort zone and like, go on another journey. And I think that's so beautiful. And if it is a professional therapist, they will be like, I am so fucking happy for you, Amy. Keep in touch. I'm always here if you ever need me. Boom, done, moving on. I love you all. And I hope that this was somewhat inspirational and I hope you guys took something from this. And I hope you guys are liking these Sunday session style episodes that we can kind of learn something as our brains fucking rot on the internet, then come to call her

• 55:24Alex Cooper?

  daddy on Sunday sessions and learn a thing or two. I will not see you guys this Wednesday, sadly, because it's going to be Christmas Eve and I will be off for Christmas Eve, but I hope you guys have the best Christmas, if you celebrate Christmas, and the best New Year. And I will see you in 2026, daddy gang. I love you so much. Goodbye.

• 56:10Alex Cooper?

  Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Ross. Fall is about finding pieces you love, making them your own and creating looks and spaces just right for the season. Whether you're updating a small apartment or a spacious home, drawn to timeless neutrals or bold seasonal touches, Ross makes it easy to imagine what's next and bring your fall vision to life. Ross makes fashion accessible to all with up to 20 to 60% off other retailers' prices on the brands you love. Find your nearest Ross at rossstores.com. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Pandora Jewelry. I love to accessorize my outfits with jewelry, obviously, and I feel like all the time depending

• 56:53Alex Cooper?

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• 57:51Alex Cooper?

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