3 Ways You’re Weakening Your Message Without Knowing It

Join me on Supercast for ad-free episodes, bonus content, and AMAs: https://jefferson.supercast.com/ There are three mistakes I see people make in conversations every single day—and they’re quietly destroying relationships without you realizing it. In this episode, I break down why using absolutes like “always” and “never” instantly derails communication, how overexplaining weakens your message, and why the first seven seconds of any conversation matter more than everything that follows. If you want to be heard, respected, and taken seriously, this is where you start. Order The Next Conversation Workbook: https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/workbook Thank you to our sponsors: Cozy Earth. Upgrade Your Every Day. Get 20% off at cozyearth.com/jefferson or use code JEFFERSON at check out. Butcher Box: $20 off your first box and free shipping at https://butcherbox.com/jefferson Mill. Try risk-free for 90 days and get $75 off at https://www.mill.com/jefferson and use code JEFFERSON at checkout. BetterHelp. Click https://betterhelp.com/jeffersonfisher for a discount on your first month of therapy. Order my book, The Next Conversation, or listen to the full audiobook today. Like what you hear? Don’t forget to subscribe and leave a 5-star review! Suggest a topic or ask a question for me to answer on the show! Want a FREE communication tip each week? Click here to join my newsletter. Join My School of Communication Watch my podcast on YouTube Follow me on Instagram Follow me on TikTok Follow me on LinkedIn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jefferson Fisher?

  Before we get into it, quick note, I just launched a premium version of the podcast on Supercast. If you want ad-free episodes, bonus content, and AMAs where I answer your questions directly, it's all there. If you'd like to support the show and get access to all of that, I want you to go to jefferson.supercast.com, or you can check the link in the description below to join. All right, let's get into it. The top three mistakes that I see communicators make are, one, they use absolutes, the always and the never's. Two, they over explain their words. And three, they find a way to not take control of the first seven seconds of the conversation. Without those seven seconds, everything else does not fall into place. This is the Jefferson Fisher Podcast. You

• 0:43Jefferson Fisher?

  know what it is if you're listening, and this is good content for you. If you would, just please press the subscribe button. It means a lot to me, my family, and tells wherever you're listening that this is good content. I want to get right into it. So, number one, if you don't want to make this mistake, it's very simple, but it's also very hard. Absolutes. You know what it's like when you're in conversation with people? Or let's, better yet, in an argument with somebody, probably somebody you're very close with, I might be married to, might be in a relationship with, and they use this word out here, always. Usually, there's something that comes right before it, and

• 1:22Jefferson Fisher?

  it's the word you. They say, you always, you never. They're generally not positive statements. If I had to guess, the only time you hear those is in some kind of negative conversation, meaning the other person's usually using these words with a downward, mad, angry, frustrated, disappointed expression on their face. You never listen to me. You always say this. You never care. And it should just send sirens off in your brain. That is one of the number one mistakes that I see communicators make if they're trying to actually have productive, efficient, successful communication.

• 2:01Jefferson Fisher?

  Is they use the absolutes, the extremes. When in reality, we both know that's not true. And, and, and really, the other person knows it's not true. They know it too. It just feels better to say it, right? It feels better to use the absolutes. Let me, let's play it out for a second. Let's say you and I are in a conversation and, and I'm in an argument with you and I say, it is just like, you always say this, you, every time you come in, you always say, you never do anything that I ask, you never pick up around here, you never do this, you never, you always want to be the first to do. Those words, those absolutes, they, they create a lot of friction in the conversation

• 2:46Jefferson Fisher?

  because the conversation is no longer about the issue. It is now about the accuracy. It's no longer about the thing you were first originally talking about, that, what's beneath it all. Instead, it's now about the accuracy of somebody's statement. That's what happens to your brain. When the other person sighed, when you use the absolutes, what happens to the other person is they start to go, that's not accurate. That's not accurate. I don't always do that. I don't never do this. And they start to try and pick and poke and look at the accuracy. Okay, well, let's look at the timeline. When's the last time that I said that? Or when's the last time I did that? And it becomes a timeline game.

• 3:29Jefferson Fisher?

  It becomes who's more accurate, whose memory is better, who is the, the, kind of the referee of the argument. And accuracy calls, when somebody blows the whistle on accuracy, say, that's not accurate. I don't always do that. I don't never do that. It's, it's now a second argument. So if you have a straight line of A to B, and you and I are talking and I just used the word never, you never, you know, it happens, we split, right? It's the multiverse. We have two different timelines happening because now that second one only cares about accuracy, meaning you're having an argument about whether you always or never did the thing.

• 4:14Jefferson Fisher?

  And so when I say accuracy, it's about. Is, are they saying something that is correct? And as soon as the other person goes, no, actually, I don't always do that. It, it stings because you're like, I don't want to talk about this. I want to talk about the issue itself. And that's where you get caught up. So what's, Jefferson, what's the, the point here? The point here is that you don't use them. And I know that sounds easier said than done, but it happens all the time. It happens in, in my relationships. It happens in my family's relationships and my friends' relationships. It happens among all of us. What I'm saying is it will happen. The key here is quick to fix it. So what are some ways that we can do that instead?

• 4:58Jefferson Fisher?

  If you catch yourself using that? One is if you catch yourself saying always and never, be the bigger person and grab it back. If you say always, catch it and go, actually, not always, a lot of the time, some of the time, most of the time, right? Catch it. So I mean, if you say it out loud of, listen, you never stop yourself and you hear it and go, actually, it's not never, it's a lot, feels like a lot to me. Right? If you can catch it and grab it, that's an easy win. You now don't have to have that, that second multiverse argument about accuracy. Number two, a quick way is to say, when you, I feel. It's a framework that works in a lot of different circumstances.

• 5:41Jefferson Fisher?

  You've heard me on this podcast talk about it and it's a, it's a framework that works a lot of the time. It's when you, I feel saying, when you do this, I feel that. When you X, I feel Y. When you speak to me in that tone, I feel like you're disappointed in me and I'm doing something wrong. When you leave the food on the counter, I feel like you're asking me to take care of it and you're being passive aggressive or whatever it is. When you, I feel, it's a very easy way of putting that in there because at the end of the day, these always and never statements.

• 6:21Jefferson Fisher?

  They're really just a self-expression of what's going on inside you, right? Of what's happening inside, because in your body, it feels like it's always, or it's never, in these absolutes. And it's way clear for your body to go, I feel it right now, so this is what it must be all of the time. And so when my body says, never, it feels like never. So what's another way, a third way we can take care of this is think of it as a headline. Think of it as a headline, meaning I'm going to say upfront, I'm going to say upfront, I'm going to tell you something, it's not always, I feel like it's a lot of the time. And then give the statement. You see, I kind of use the headline to, to give you a preview

• 7:03Jefferson Fisher?

  of what I'm about to say. And let me try it again. We could do a different way.

• 7:09Jefferson Fisher?

  I want to tell you something that's important to me, and I'm not saying that it's never, but I am saying that I feel like sometimes it's hardly at all. Then give what you need to say. So it's, it's going, it's, it's like combining the window I feel with a catch back is saying, I'm going to go ahead and tell you right now, I'm going to use the word never, but I know it's not, I know it's not never. I'm just telling you it feels like it is. Right? Can, can you relate to me on that aspect of that? Can, am I, are you safe enough for me to say, I, it feels like it's never, even though I know that it's not? My brain tells me,

• 7:51Jefferson Fisher?

  my body tells me, my emotions tell me that this is always happening, but my brain knows objectively, it's not always happening. Before we keep going, this episode is sponsored by Cozy Earth, and also, in many ways, my mom. My mom, I gave her some Cozy Earth pajamas, right? They are very soft, they're made of bamboo, and very, very light. And my mom's never been like a big PJ person. I think she's just been a mu mu person, you know what I mean? Like it's just a big, huge t-shirt, you know, for most of my life, until she found these Cozy Earth pajamas. And every time she sees me, she's somehow mentioned the Cozy Earth PJs.

• 8:34Jefferson Fisher?

  Jefferson, you got any more of those Cozy Earth PJs? And I have to tell you, if you have a mother in your life, because I know Mother's Day is coming up and you need some time to make sure that it gets there, you can't ask for any better. Let me tell you, from one son to another daughter or son out there, Cozy Earth PJs, that's, this is your answer. If you've been looking for it, you can go to cozyearth.com/jefferson, use the code Jefferson and get up to 20% off. It's light, they, they, she loves them. They're full bodied where it's like they come to her, you know, to her wrist and the whole pants. And I just, I get so tickled over the fact that I've

• 9:19Jefferson Fisher?

  never bought her pajamas before, but I don't know if I'll ever buy her anything else ever again. I think she's just wants a whole supply, just a whole wardrobe of Cozy Earth PJs. So from me to you, you're not going to regret it. CozyEarth.com/jefferson, use the code Jefferson and get up to 20% off. And now let's get back to the episode. All right. I think we've covered all the absolutes. There's a range, right? From always to most of the time, to some of the time, to often, to never. It is something that easily slips up a communicator because, right? They no longer hear about the issue and now it becomes about accuracy and a recollection of events. And people have to get out their,

• 10:03Jefferson Fisher?

  their logbook and go, remember, I did this this time and it does not serve you. All right? So don't be doing the absolutes. Number two, over explaining. You and I have talked about this many times and I will say it again. I like to use the three sentence rule, meaning if I can't say it in three sentences, I'm going to try to find a different way to work that. Now you might go, Jefferson, this whole episode's longer than the three sentences. What are you doing? Yeah, I know. There's some context that happens in this. If I need to write an email or a text, or I'm trying to say something assertively, I'm going to try to apply that framework. It does not apply to casual conversations with friends

• 10:43Jefferson Fisher?

  or to a podcast or to certain things that are going to require that level of professionalism or, you know, a little different threshold of a conversation that you need to have. And again, it's just a guide that's going to keep you from over explaining because what happens? The more words you use, the less people are going to likely do what you want them to do. The more words you have to use to say no, the more it kind of sounds like you're wanting them to push you to a yes. Especially with boundaries, the more you try to explain your boundary, the other person starts to hear it not as a no, but as a negotiation for them to go, oh, well, if I took this off your plate and took this off your plate, would you be willing to do it then?

• 11:28Jefferson Fisher?

  And see, it feels weird because now they've kind of changed the paradigm and now you feel like you, you got caught in some way, you kind of have to acquiesce, right? Because you took too long, used too many sentences, gave too much context to explain what you need to say. What I tell every one of my clients when I prepare them for a deposition is that answer the question only. And if they have more questions, it is on them to ask. It's a muscle, right? It's a learned skill. So don't think that all of a sudden you have to be in deposition and cross-examination mode anytime anybody talks to you. That's not my point. What I'm saying is when it comes to communicating boundaries in particular, or really anything,

• 12:10Jefferson Fisher?

  the more words that you use, usually the weaker the point becomes because it's confusing. People get lost, people grab on to one sentence and start to use their message. Let's say you used an absolute for goodness sake, I mean, that would be terrible. They all of a sudden, in the middle of your monologue, somebody grabs on to an always and that's all they think about. That's all they hear about. Or, I mean, how many times have you been in a conversation with somebody? And all of a sudden you're thinking, man, I wonder what like, what's for lunch today? And you just have thoughts, distracted thoughts that are normal and are going to happen. And it's, there's a natural part of this. So how do you eliminate that as a communicator?

• 12:55Jefferson Fisher?

  Cut down on the excessive words, the excessive words. I know people that.

• 13:04Jefferson Fisher?

  They're just looking for a captive audience, really. And sometimes I give them one because I might be the only person they've seen and or got to talk to in a few days. And so they just need to kind of get it all out. And that's okay, too. But for the most part, when it comes to effectively communicating, the more words you use, the harder it is to communicate a clear and certainly a consistent message. Number three, this is the one I want to give you the most on. It's about controlling the first seven seconds. And this is not some scientific study. So I don't think I have some lab where we've ran all these tests. It's not. It's just the school of Jefferson, just of my experience saying, hey,

• 13:46Jefferson Fisher?

  in about seven seconds, I can tell, you can tell where the conversation is going long before it gets there. In the first seven seconds, nobody's really listening to your words. They're listening for what you do, meaning your signals. Are you somebody who sounds upset? I'm not listening to your words. I'm listening to the tone of it. I'm listening to the music of it. It happens a lot related to music. In music, we do the same thing. It is usually the first three seconds of just the music, or five seconds or seven seconds of the music that grabs our attention. It goes, okay, I want to listen to this.

• 14:27Jefferson Fisher?

  This is something that resonates with me long before the lyrics show up. It's kind of the same way. If I'm approaching you as somebody who's very kind of, I'm looking like I'm negative. I'm looking like I'm intense. I'm looking like maybe I'm passive or maybe I'm really shy. You're reading all of that in seconds, right? If you can hear the tone of my voice, do I sound serious or not? Do I sound playful or not? Do I sound happy or not? I'm listening for all the signals long before the words ever come out. I know. When Sierra walks into a room, if she's in a good mood or not, right? And she knows the same for me. I know with my kids.

• 15:10Jefferson Fisher?

  They walk in, I can know immediately if something is wrong. You might know that. I know that with my siblings, right? I know that with my parents, people that are closest with me. I can tell when something is off and they don't have to say anything. Before we keep going, I want to tell you about ButcherBox. ButcherBox delivers over 100 premium protein options straight to your door, including 100% grass-fed beef, free-range organic chicken, crate-free pork, and wild-caught seafood. For over a decade, ButcherBox has led the industry with meat and seafood that's antibiotic-free, hormone-free, and independently verified. It's the clean, trustworthy protein you want to be eating, especially at the start of a new year. Every product meets the same rigorous standards, whether you're cooking a filet mignon or popping chicken nuggets into the air fryer. Shout out to all the parents out there.

• 15:54Jefferson Fisher?

  It's all quality across the board. What I like most is knowing that I've got great options ready to go. We use the grass-fed beef and chicken all the time. I think I made some of my co-made hamburger helper. I used ButcherBox. It was great. And it takes all the guesswork out of the busy weeknights. As a certified B Corp, ButcherBox is committed to doing the right thing, from how the animals are raised to how their team supports workers and reduce environmental impact. Plus, every box ships free always, and members get access to recipe inspo, tips, and exclusive deals that make every meal easier, healthier, and more enjoyable. As an exclusive offer, new listeners can get their choice between organic ground beef, chicken breast, or ground turkey in every box for a whole year. Plus $20 off when you go to butcherbox.com/jefferson.

• 16:39Jefferson Fisher?

  That's right, your choice of organic ground beef, chicken breast, or ground turkey in every box for an entire year. Plus $20 off. Can't beat that. And free shipping always. That's butcherbox.com/jefferson. Don't forget to use our link so they know we sent you. That'd be pretty cool. Before we get going, I want to take a moment to tell you about meal. Now, listen, this product has changed the game. In our kitchen, and I mean that wholeheartedly. I didn't think it was going to be that big of a deal. Holy smokes, was I wrong. I don't think there is hardly a dinner that my son or daughter do not mention the meal. What is the meal? It is the odorless, effortless, and fully automated food recycler that handles the cleanup after dinner is over. What does that mean?

• 17:22Jefferson Fisher?

  So like, when you have your plate, after stuff that you didn't want to finish eating, you have these little bits and scraps, you just take it and scrape it right into the meal. Potato peels, avocado pits, chicken bones, even dairy. You can just put it all in there. So think of it, if you would throw it outside or put it down a disposal, it can go right into your meal. And I thought, at first, I was like, I don't know, this, it can be messy and stinky. I haven't smelled a thing. All right. Our kitchen just feels cleaner. There's no leaky trash bags. There's no fruit flies. It doesn't smell whatsoever. So the meal app is what shows you how much food you're keeping of. The app's really nice. The packaging is great.

• 18:07Jefferson Fisher?

  Hands down, product. And it's just easy to stick with and it looks great in our kitchen. Try meal risk free for 90 days and get $75 off at meal.com/jefferson. Use code Jefferson at checkout. That's $75 off at meal.com/jefferson and use the code Jefferson. And now, let's keep going. One of the biggest mistakes that I see that communicators make is not taking the first seven seconds of a conversation seriously. Because in those first seven seconds, usually less, it could be two seconds. Nobody's listening to the words. They're listening to you. They're listening to your, your mood. They're listening to your tone. They're listening to your facial expressions. They're, they're listening to how your posture is when you walk into the door.

• 18:49Jefferson Fisher?

  They're listening to all those things long before the words ever come out of your mouth. So if you want to be an excellent communicator, it is making sure that you treat those first seven seconds like they are liquid gold. Because if something falls apart, and it's oftentimes that it does, you get the chance to say, I need to say that differently. I want to redo. I need to reset this conversation. If you feel that it starts to go off the rail, immediately, I need to say that differently and restart those seven seconds. All right. Because if you're not in the right mindset, if you're not in the right. Yeah, I don't think another word for it. If you're not in the right mindset, neither will they.

• 19:30Jefferson Fisher?

  Because conversations generally don't go south in the middle. So if we have a beginning and an end, conversations typically don't start to lose control in the middle. It's at the very beginning. Meaning at the very beginning, it set it up to have a hard conversation. If I'm in an argument, let's say, and let's say it's me who gets frustrated. I'm going to get frustrated really quickly, right out of the gate. And you know what? That's going to color the whole rest of the conversation for me. And I'm going to have to be doing the mental work to try and dig myself out of that.

• 20:04Jefferson Fisher?

  You know, that mindset. Same for somebody else. If they're trying to deliver something to you and you're not being receptive of it. The good communicators say, I can tell that this is not going where we need it to go. I'm going to restart it. Or let's push it for another time. So to me, the first seven seconds of a conversation is sort of like the tail wagging the dog. I know if those first seven seconds aren't going well, it is rare that the rest of the conversation will somehow turn by itself naturally and improve.

• 20:40Jefferson Fisher?

  What I typically like to do, and what I'm going to encourage you to do, is reset it. So how do you, how do you do that? If you find that the first seven seconds are not going well, the good communicators will reset it. They'll say phrases like, I need to redo. I need to restart this. It's not asking. You could ask if you wanted. Can I have a, can I try that again? Somebody's going to say, yeah, of course. They don't ever say no, but yeah, of course. Or what I like to do is say, can I say that differently? I need to say that, I need to say this differently. And I restart it because most likely if I'm asking that, the other person's lost. They're like, yeah, please restart it differently because I didn't, I didn't prepare. I didn't do the, the mental gymnastics

• 21:23Jefferson Fisher?

  of making sure that I'm in the right mindset before we go into this conversation because that's, that's normal and what happens. Three quick, easy tools to improve your communication. Number one, we talked about absolutes, the always and the never's, and how those quickly tank the conversation to start talking about accuracy rather than the true heart of the issue. Two, we talked about the excessive words, how Whether you like it or not, the more words you start to use, the weaker your message becomes. And the more the other person hears, it's an invitation for them to try and problem solve what you said and fix it, rather than actually stick to your boundary. And number three, we talked about the value of the first seven seconds

• 22:08Jefferson Fisher?

  of a conversation, because nobody's listening to the words not near as much as how they're listening to you. And if you're actually ready for it, so how you show up in conversation, how you show that you're controlled, how you slow down your words, how you make sure you have the right tone, how you make sure you're approaching the conversation as something that you can actually lean into, rather than pushing them and making sure that you're in some kind of defensive posture. That's not going to be anywhere that's going to want to get you to where you're wanting to go in the conversation. So how can you make sure that you preserve, treasure, value, prioritize the first seven seconds? That's going to make sure that you become a better communicator.

• 22:52Jefferson Fisher?

  So let's avoid those three mistakes. And I think my voice is actually starting to go out. So this is perfect timing. As always, you can try that and follow me.