78: Broski Report Wrapped: 2024

This week on The Broski Report, we celebrate the year with some of the best moments from 2024! Happy New Year, Broski Nation! 👕 Get your merch here: https://broski.shop/ Follow The Broski Report: https://www.linktr.ee/broskireporthttps://www.tiktok.com/@broskireport https://instagram.com/broskireport Follow Brittany: https://www.tiktok.com/@brittany_broski https://www.tiktok.com/@brittanybroski https://instagram.com/brittany_broski https://youtube.com/brittany_broski Follow Royal Court: https://www.youtube.com/@royalcourt https://www.tiktok.com/@bbroyalcourt https://www.instagram.com/royalcourt https://www.twitter.com/bbroyalcourt Reproductive Resources: https://aidaccess.org https://plancpills.org https://Ineedana.com https://ineedana.com https://www.reprolegalhelpline.org/ https://heyjane.com LGBTQ+ Resources: https://Translifeline.org https://translifeline.org https://Glaad.org https://glaad.org https://Pflag.org https://pflag.org https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ Climate Resources: https://Oceanconservancy.org https://oceanconservancy.org https://Climateemergencyfund.org https://climateemergencyfund.org Some helpful credible resources/links to help Free Palestine: Palestinian Children’s Relief Fund - https://www.pcrf.net/ UNICEF - https://www.unicefusa.org/stories/helping-gazas-children-cope-trauma Doctors Without Borders - https://donate.doctorswithoutborders.org/secure/give-monthly-double-your-impact-search-onetime-reverse-mobile?ms=ADD2301U3U49&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=BRAND. DWB_CKMSF-BRAND. DWB-GS-GS-ALL-DWBBrand. E-BO-ALL-RSA-RSARefresh.1-MONTHLY&gclid=Cj0KCQjw6PGxBhCVARIsAIumnWZpQAMikxPIRiPMfAjYsJZ-eHiRQV2pw7tu2Jlo6YL8Gk_uaTSwH0MaAtFGEALw_wc https://donate.doctorswithoutborders.org/secure/give-monthly-double-your-impact-search-onetime-reverse-mobile?ms=ADD2301U3U49&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=BRAND. DWB_CKMSF-BRAND. DWB-GS-GS-ALL-DWBBrand. E-BO-ALL-RSA-RSARefresh.1-MONTHLY&gclid=Cj0KCQjw6PGxBhCVARIsAIumnWZpQAMikxPIRiPMfAjYsJZ-eHiRQV2pw7tu2Jlo6YL8Gk_uaTSwH0MaAtFGEALw_wc World Central Kitchen - https://wck.org/ World Health Organization - https://www.who.int/ Headcount - https://www.headcount.org/ IG ACCOUNTS TO FOLLOW: @eye.on.palestine @aljazeeraenglish @palestinianyouthmovement @byplestia @motaz_azaiza @impact #brittanybroski, #broski, #broskination, #broskireport, #holiday, #newyear

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Cash flow crunch? OnDeck's small business line of credit gives your business immediate access to funds up to $200,000 right when you need it. Cover seasonal dips, manage payroll, restock inventory, or tackle unexpected expenses without missing a beat. With flexible draws, transparent pricing, and control over repayment, get funded quickly and confidently. Apply today at ondeck.com. Funds could be available as soon as tomorrow. Depending on certain loan attributes, your business loan may be issued by OnDeck or Celtic Bank. OnDeck does not lend in North Dakota. All loans and amounts subject to lender approval.

• 0:36Speaker 01

  Direct from the Broski Nation headquarters in Los Angeles, California, this is The Broski Report with your host, Brittany Broski.

• 0:45Brittany Broski?

  God save our precious queen. Long live her majesty. God save the supreme leader. Hey, one, two, three, eyes on me. Thank you. Silent Coyote, this is Power Hour with Brittany Broski on The Broski Report. Tonight at 10, experts claim lymphatic drainage is the key to a youthful glow. We have an expert here, Dr. Broski, tonight to teach us a bit about it. More at 10. Someone was accepted into Shiz University, but our nepotism claims at hand. More to come tonight.

• 1:31Brittany Broski?

  So, we're letting the children, the youth of tomorrow, play this game? We're fucked. We're letting that purple Enderman guy who killed the kids and was in the rabbit suit eat their gonna play this game and go on to vote for American Future? Fuck me, dude. I'm also gonna tell you right now, what am I sipping on? We're sipping, listen to that. Yeah. I will not be- Crazy this time. You will not make me crazy. When you start to think, hmm, maybe men are

• 2:03Brittany Broski?

  extremely loud incorrect buzzer. Introducing the guillotine into the Broski nation, sort of military industrial complex as a form of punishment and torture that is accepted by the government. Government being me, okay? We are now going to implement, first of all, "Bokutume Monkoro" by Celine Dion gets played as you're being, your, your peanuts is being jorked and chopped by the guillotine, okay? It's actually gonna be a law change. When your peanuts is getting jorked, do you moan?

• 2:49Brittany Broski?

  He makes me really laugh, like genuinely laugh. Oh, what the fuck? Oh, god!

• 3:01Brittany Broski?

  That is so nasty. That is so wretched and vile. See, what the hell is this? Do mermaids exist? Scientists begin tests on a 300-year-old what? Mummified body to uncover the mystery. That's what I'm talking about. Oh, look at her. She's gorgeous. And she's in a skim strapless bra.

• 3:27Brittany Broski?

  Oh, look at her. She is beautiful. She's in a skims. Oh, my god, Kamala, you did not tell me you were passing through here. What are you doing? You are crazy! Well, no, I can't talk. No, I would love to hear. No, no. No, don't stop the car. Okay, stop the car. Wait, no, I'm headed to Santa Monica. Yeah, I'm doing, you know, bro. Yes, yes. And her part, yes. So that actually comes out tomorrow. I'm the first episode. Oh, Kamala, you are too sweet. KK, we like to call her KK. KKH. Kamala Kardashian, if you will, we like to call her that too. I said, Kamala, you are so sweet. No, please, I have to go. I really can't stay another minute. I've got to hit the road. Yeah, y'all were blocking traffic. Y'all are crazy over there. Okay. Besitos.

• 4:13Brittany Broski?

  Bye, KK. Can we be serious for one minute? I need everyone at their battle stations. I need people in the Situation Room. I need people manning the fucking forts. You are not on program.

• 4:28Brittany Broski?

  ID please, sir. Bam, zap, wabow. Lickety sea smoke.

• 4:42Brittany Broski?

  I could have slayed as a brain-dead housewife. I would have worn one of those little, the, the, the big, uh, butt dresses. And I would have had one of those fancy little fascinator hats. And I would have had just mercury lead in my mouth, just oozing, drooling all over my chest, okay? And I would have been wed off to some fat ugly man, but he would have been rich. And I would have gossiped with my girls. I would have ate sweets. Just sweet as sugar. The Coca-Cola had cocaine in it, dude. I would have been living high and mighty. Take me back. Take me back to 1893. I really would have slayed. Like, it really would have been a moment. Would I have smelled like puss? Yeah.

• 5:26Brittany Broski?

  Would I have smelled like puss? Well, yeah. What's wrong? Hold on. Wait, what's wrong? Everyone smelled like puss. No, come back. Where are you going? Wait, where are you going? Oh, it's me. I smell like puss? Oh, sorry. Stop talking. Shut the fuck up. Execution by horses. Tying each of the victim's limbs to a different horse and then driving the horses in four different directions. You know that that ASMR was crazy. Damn. King Edward had some crazy ASMR.

• 5:57Brittany Broski?

  Sorry. Execution by hanging. Hanging the victim, disemboweling them while they're still alive? And then beheading and dismembering them. Oh! Oh! Right. Oh, holy fu- oh, Jesus Christ! Quarter? Oh! Oh! Quarter, oh! Literally means cutting the person's body into four parts, or quarters. Ah! Oh! Right. I'm done yelling, that's annoying. Fall in line, soldier! How fucking hard is it to pick up WhatsApp and double-tap a message? Shut up!

• 6:40Brittany Broski?

  Would you look Sylvia Plast in the eye and tell her to not be depressed? It's not always about you! It's not about you all the time! Is that okay? It's not about you, holy fuck! Zooby zooby zo- I'm cleaning my ass crack. Zooby zooby zo- dandruff in under my nails. Zooby zooby zo- oh, a new and grown hair. Zooby zooby zo- Ew! There's a big fly that just flew- that wasn't a fly, that was like a moth! Did you see that in the video? That was a huge bug! Ew, it's on the desk! What do I do?

• 7:30Brittany Broski?

  Okay.

• 7:32Brittany Broski?

  Alright. There's been a murder. The first murder of the Broski Report. We come to you live tonight to report the sudden and gruesome murder of a bug that flew towards my face and now its carcass is forever gonna be on that desk, cuz I'm not gonna clean that up. I do not miss corporate America, but the tea we would get sometimes, girl. I miss having coworkers. I will say that. My coworkers are not- we were like this. Damn! We were like this, because that's trauma bonding, bitch. Say "uh" one more time. Like, can you speak? Speak normal. Speak like an educated adult. When you "uh", can I "uh", like, when you "uh"?

• 8:16Brittany Broski?

  Easter is when the bunny, everyone knows the bunny, of course, the Christ bunny, knocked on the tomb three times. Okay, he said, he said, knock, knock, knock. Jesus opened the door and he said, we're not doing Girl Scout cookies right now. Okay, I'm not interested in buying them. It's Girl Scout cookie season. Please, like, I'm trying to rest. We're doing the, you know, like, three days of eternal rest. And then he became the Messiah. Okay. Now, when the bunny knocked on the tombstone door, that is when the peeps came out. Okay. Jesus kind of rolled the tomb away. He, he rolled the big rock. The peeps came out. Okay. And then when Jesus was like, please don't bother me.

• 8:57Brittany Broski?

  Like, seriously, I said, leave the DoorDash in front of the tombstone. Okay. I can't do like hand to hand contact right now. Like, I'm doing strictly no contact. Like, it's a whole thing. Okay. It's a whole process between me and my heavenly father. But also, I'm the heavenly father. Okay. Now, this is Jesus talking. And so the bunny was there with the DoorDash and the peeps ran out and he was like, well, what the fuck am I supposed to? And so Jesus slammed the dome, the tomb shut. And the bunny was like, oh, my God, what am I supposed to do with all these chocolate eggs? Okay, the peeps are on the floor. He scoops them up and he goes, this is something. Okay, this is something that we can work with here. What if, and then, of course, he starts, he's kind of like looking up at the sun.

• 9:41Brittany Broski?

  Maybe he goes to sit down on like a log stump and, and he's holding the peeps, he's holding the little chickens. And he's like, what if these old fuckers were made of marshmallow? And then everyone around him was like, what is a marshmallow? He's like, yeah, marshmallow. Marshmallow. Isn't marshmallow made up of like horse bones?

• 10:02Brittany Broski?

  If you rendered the perfect human face, like through AI, I know I'm just about really close to that, guys. Seriously, it is me. I'm a real human. I have flaws.

• 10:13Brittany Broski?

  It's hard to think of one right now, but I will get back to you on that. We will loop back, sort of circle back, bumping this up in the inbox. No pressure, absolutely no pressure, but I do need this addressed by EOD, end of day. Okay? Make the voices stop. Make the voices stop. Make the voices stop. Room reveal. Is he 60? Maybe. Doesn't matter. That will not stop me. I don't care. Oh, my God. Tumblr rotted my brain in ways that I'm still trying to figure out.

• 10:41Speaker 00

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• 11:10Speaker 03

  At Humana, our Medicare Advantage plans are easy to understand and easy on your wallet, like offering more benefits than you'd get from original Medicare alone and including dental, vision, and hearing coverage in every plan. And the best part is every plan has a $0 or low monthly plan premium, which makes it easier to save, too. So this Medicare planning season, plan well with Humana. Learn more at gethumana.com. Humana is a Medicare Advantage, HMO, and PPO organization with a Medicare contract. Enrollment in any Humana plan depends on contract renewal.

• 11:40Brittany Broski?

  The last 100 pages? My asshole was clenched. I was, oh! I was, oh! If I was casting a live-action movie about my life, it would be Nicolas Cage to play me. He'd be in drag. Robert Gru, also known as The Bald Terror. That's what they call me as well. Oh, my God. Of course, painter. If I was a painter way back when, I would have painted that. Look at the way that that moves. The Red Bull kicked in, I just realized.

• 12:10Brittany Broski?

  Me like, "Look at the way the light hits this Amazon Roman packaging. I really understand painters. I could have painted." Hey, the Red Bull just kicked in. Here's what's going on. I'm talking about the Hubble Telescope, okay? And I've got a question because you obviously have spent an excessive amount of time in the air. You probably know some things about the atmosphere and how it works. The telescope is on a, it's on the space station about 300 miles above Earth's surface. My question is, if there was a mushroom cloud, if there was an atomic bomb, if there was like a nuclear explosion, how far up do those usually go and could you see it from the telescope?

• 12:55Brittany Broski?

  And would something like that affect the technology of the telescope?

• 13:02Speaker 04

  Well, that's several questions.

• 13:05Brittany Broski?

  What are we talking about?

• 13:09Brittany Broski?

  I say this all the time. I don't know how to like something normal. I don't know how to do that. Yeah, I have a screenshot of your parents' home address. What am I, I'm supposed to not? I'm supposed to not know everything about you, dude? I'm supposed to not Google your fucking grandma's name? Oh, found your grandfather's obituary. Lust, check. Gluttony, check. Greed, check. Sloth, check. Wrath, yeah, wrath, check. Uh, envy, hmm, yeah, check. Pride, check. We're seven for seven, team. All right, what'd you guys get on the seven deadly sins test? Did you guys pass? You have to have five or above to still be allowed in Broski Nation. Broski Nation.

• 13:51Brittany Broski?

  At some point, I'm going to relocate outside of a popular Air Force base. And I am going to, yahoo, yahoo, in my little Marilyn Monroe white dress no-undies.

• 14:08Brittany Broski?

  No undies, okay? No undies, maybe some Spanx. Maybe some 3XL Spanx underneath, but no undies. And I'm gonna "yoo-hoo!" right outside where they like check your ID. And I'm gonna say, "Vas boys! Vas young servicemen, I'm just a German go." And they'll be like, "Ma'am, you have got to..." There are like military vehicles coming through here. You need to get out of the way. Also, why don't you have underwear on? Why are you barefoot? Okay? "Yoo-hoo!" My handkerchief is shit stained. "Yoo-hoo!" They're like, "Ma'am, you've got..." "You are in the way! Please." I'm dodging in between those little like the arms that come down to block the...

• 14:52Brittany Broski?

  They'll have the arm come down. They'll check your military ID, then they'll let you on. "Yoo-hoo!" I jump it. I'm running. I go straight for the barracks. I go straight for the dorms, okay? "Yoo-hoo, young gentleman! Does anybody want me? I'm just a little German go." They tackle me to the ground. My skirt comes up. "No, no, my Spanx! My tan Spanx! No, no, don't let me go back." And then a young gentleman comes out of the barracks. "Stop! Stop, that's my wife." She escaped. Are you... Oh shit, they're outside. Yeah, hello?

• 15:37Brittany Broski?

  Uh huh. Oh shit, they're outside. Yep, they have guns. Uh huh, and ammo? Oh, there's a bomb. Oh, and anthrax, okay. Oh, so they're mad.

• 15:53Brittany Broski?

  Okay, yeah. No, and I'll see you for dinner tonight, too. Okay, could you just like disarm the bomb? Okay, love you. Why don't you hang up? Okay, love you, bye. Sorry, that was Sam Hartman. That's what Remy's whispering in my ear. "Kill them, kill them." Kill them, burn them! And I say, "Shh, Remy, please." Who was Merriam Webster? Just how I've always thought that it's fucked up that there's a King James version of the Bible. Who was James? There's a Jimmy? There's a Mr. Beast version of the Bible? The Mr. Beast Bible? No, bro! Some of them are like, "They're fine to play with outside the package, just be careful, don't eat it."

• 16:38Brittany Broski?

  "Okay, what about if I put it in my mouth? I'm not eating it, I'm just sucking on it a little bit." "It's a waffle, what do you mean you don't want me to suck on it? Grow up." What sort of, of, of, um, meat, uh, what sort of vegetables would this dragon be ingesting after a long day of patrolling, flying around, you know, raising their young? Well, probably something like, because you know they can't swim! So what was on the land? People! They was eating people! Very interesting. And do we have any sort of understanding or theory, leading theory, that these dragons were ever tamed by people? Hell no!

• 17:22Brittany Broski?

  Hell no! They would've eaten you like a damn Sunday roast! Get that shit on the barbecue, flint, iron in the mouth, poison sap dripping down their s- Okay.

• 17:38Brittany Broski?

  I turned 27 this year. Y'all, y'all, can you bow your heads in prayer with me really quick? Dear Heavenly Father, I want to thank you for gathering all of us together with our eyes shut and heads bowed in prayer. I'd like to thank you for freeing me of the shackles of this Irishman. Lord, I thank you for looking over me, keeping your hand on my shoulder when it comes to the Irish. The Irish are devil people. They're devilish folk. They are not to be trusted. Lord, I thank you for keeping your hand on me, over me, watching me. You led me out of the darkness and into the light. Amen. Church, amen.

• 18:17Brittany Broski?

  Lord, I thank you so much for guiding me, guiding me away from the island of Ireland. I was so close. I was so... Now I'm just doing Trump. I was so close, so close. Okay.

• 18:30Speaker 00

  Cash Flow Crunch? OnDeck's small business line of credit gives your business immediate access to funds up to $200,000 right when you need it. Cover seasonal dips, manage payroll, restock inventory, or tackle unexpected expenses without missing a beat. With flexible draws, transparent pricing, and control over repayment, get funded quickly and confidently. Apply today at ondeck.com. Funds could be available as soon as tomorrow. Depending on certain loan attributes, your business loan may be issued by OnDeck or Celtic Bank. OnDeck does not lend in North Dakota. All loans and amounts subject to lender approval.

• 19:01Speaker 03

  At Humana, our Medicare Advantage plans are easy to understand and easy on your wallet, like offering more benefits than you'd get from an original Medicare loan, and including dental, vision, and hearing coverage in every plan. And the best part is, every plan has a $0 or low monthly plan premium, which makes it easier to save, too. So this Medicare planning season, plan well with Humana. Learn more at gethumana.com. Humana is a Medicare Advantage HMO and PPO organization with a Medicare contract. Enrollment in any Humana plan depends on contract renewal.

• 19:31Speaker 00

  Cash Flow Crunch? OnDeck's small business line of credit gives your business immediate access to funds up to $200,000 right when you need it. Cover seasonal dips, manage payroll, restock inventory, or tackle unexpected expenses without missing a beat. With flexible draws, transparent pricing, and control over repayment, get funded quickly and confidently. Apply today at ondeck.com. Funds could be available as soon as tomorrow. Depending on certain loan attributes, your business loan may be issued by OnDeck or Celtic Bank. OnDeck does not lend in North Dakota. All loans and amounts subject to lender approval.

• 20:02Speaker 03

  At Humana, our Medicare Advantage plans are easy to understand and easy on your wallet, like offering more benefits than you'd get from an original Medicare loan, and including dental, vision, and hearing coverage in every plan. And the best part is, every plan has a $0 or low monthly plan premium, which makes it easier to save, too. So this Medicare planning season, plan well with Humana. Learn more at gethumana.com. Humana is a Medicare Advantage HMO and PPO organization with a Medicare contract. Enrollment in any Humana plan depends on contract renewal.

• 20:32Brittany Broski?

  One, two, three, eyes on me. If you can hear me, clap twice. If you can hear me clap three times. If you can hear me sing. Bebe Aldrizzi. Bebe Aldrizzi.

• 20:47Brittany Broski?

  Did you do it? Okay. I am clinically delusional. I am clinically crazy. I think that we've sort of established that point. Okay, okay, fucking relax, calm down. Stanley Tucci, this is my formal invitation for you to come to my house.

• 21:02Brittany Broski?

  Come to my kitchen, watch me cook hamburger helper, watch me cook the simplest of meals. And I want to sit down and I want to watch you eat it. I'm gonna cook it, I'm gonna plate it just right. I'm gonna grab it with the tongs and like, you know, how they do it, and then I'm gonna garnish it with a fucking leaf of basil. And I'm gonna scoot it across the table to you on one of those rich people plates that's ceramic with the little lip on the end. Where it looks almost like a bowl, but it's a plate. I'm gonna scoot it across the table to you. I'm gonna flip my chef's towel on my shoulder and I'm gonna sit here and make eye contact with you as you eat it. And I, and I'm not gonna tell him that it's hamburger helper. I'm gonna say, here we have a lovely pasta dish. This is a pasta dish made with free range organic turkey.

• 21:47Brittany Broski?

  Turkey meat that I have so beautifully and lovingly chopped with my own hands, chopped minced with garlic, basil. Right, some various herbs.

• 21:59Brittany Broski?

  Throwing this into a pot together with a sort of cream base, cream base with a little bit of natural cheese. Whip that up, bring it to a boiling point, let it simmer, let it solidify. I've taken this and I've plated it on a beautiful, uh, signature Italian ceramic plate. Uh, and, and here, it is still warmed, we've warmed the plate in the oven for you. Please be careful in touching it. Here is a, a fork, uh, please let us know how you enjoy it. And I want him to sit there and I want his ass to lie and be like, mm.

• 22:32Brittany Broski?

  A free range organic turkey, you said, mm. Wow, no, I can taste it, I can taste it, yeah, mhm. Oh, that is just delicious. You said this is, this is a, a family recipe? Yes, yes, it is a family recipe. Yes, it is. Thank you. Good night, we're all cooking pigs' feet and onions in there, shit. Good night, Linda, were you cooking a turd in there? Put that fucking lid back on. I didn't know we were making turd stew, Linda. Put that shit back on there. The whole, open the window. This whole fucking kitchen smells like dog shit. That was actually like exhibit A of intrusive thought winning. Come on, we were supposed to leave 15 minutes ago. Get your ass in that car. We've got to go.

• 23:15Brittany Broski?

  We don't have time to stop at Kane's anymore. I told you if you want to stop at Kane's, we got to leave 15 minutes early. That line is damn long. Get in the, well, we don't have time. Oh, I don't give a shit that you're hungry. Hopefully they have Reese's Pieces at the town hall. Lord knows you took your sweet time. La, la, la, la, la, la. I love Timothy Chalamet.

• 23:40Speaker 05

  By the way, by the way, I massive respect. And I'll stay on a knee the whole time.

• 23:47Brittany Broski?

  I appreciate you.

• 23:48Speaker 05

  I don't want to assert anything, anything at all.

• 23:51Brittany Broski?

  Can you say one time for me, hail Supreme Leader?

• 23:55Speaker 05

  Hail Supreme Leader Broski. We are honored by your presence. Please leave us under the Christmas tree lots of presents. Hail Supreme Leader Broski. Hail Supreme Leader Broski. Hail Supreme Leader Broski. Hail Supreme Leader Broski. Thank you so much for the, for allowing me to have that Nutri Grain bar when I got here.

• 24:13Brittany Broski?

  You're so welcome. I won't even charge you for it.

• 24:15Speaker 05

  May I get up?

• 24:16Brittany Broski?

  You can get up. And you know what's a catch 22 that makes me want to kill myself? Men don't like funny women, okay? Because men hate women. Because men like men. Like I said, I'm feeling dirty. Uh, I smell like BO and my hair is a little greasy. So just sort of, sort of walk with me there, okay? Christ would walk next to you and carry you when it gets too tough. I need y'all to carry me, okay? Y'all are Christ in this situation. Bible study begins now. Bu, bu, bu, bu, Broski Nation Bible study. Broski Nation Bible study. Santa's involvement in Christmas Day. As we all know, he was there. He was in the manger. He was, um, he had the little elves in the manger. They were sort of running the guest list.

• 24:58Brittany Broski?

  So when the wise men and the donkeys, the asses, if you will, were all in that manger after they were at the Holiday Inn and Joseph and Mary were like, "Please, look at my wife. She's like about to pop." And the Holiday Inn employee was like, "Okay, sir, can I see some ID?" Like, and he was like, "I don't have an ID." And they were like, "Well, have you stayed with us before?" And, you know, Mary was like, "Oh, I've been here before." And Joseph was like, "Really? When were you here?" And she was like, "Oh, about nine months ago." And the receptionist is like, right, the Holiday Inn, Jerusalem, Bethlehem, receptionist was like, "I see what's going on here." Joseph's like, "Mary, I've never put my card down here. I've never even been to this Holiday Inn. I've never even been here on vacation. What the fuck were you doing here?"

• 25:40Brittany Broski?

  And Mary was like, "I, uh, it was a work trip, you know, exactly nine months ago." And of course, she was about to pop that night. "My testicles and my balls are hanging out the bottom of my toga. I'm not fighting in the fighting pits. I am preaching on a marble stone staircase, okay?" When was the last time you played? Have you played with your friends? Have you played, like, I was about to say, played with yourself? Don't, don't do that. Well, I mean, do, just don't do it around me. "There's mold growing in my fucking frontal cortex." And there's this fun little charm on it. Guys, you can put it on your carry-ons. You can put it to go. You can, uh, I don't know, hang it over your bed like a baby cradle and play with it like a cat toy. There's so many things that you could do.

• 26:25Brittany Broski?

  Get out of the pool! That's literally Mother Nature to us. And we're like, "I wanna go four miles underwater." And then we do it, then we come up and we're, "Oh, she's fucking, there's nitrogen in my blood, there's nitrogen under my skin, there's bubbles under my skin." Mother Nature's like, "Told you. I told you to get out of the water, you ass."

• 26:46Brittany Broski?

  "What I say."

• 26:49Brittany Broski?

  "I'll give you a reason to cry." That's what Mother Nature said. She said, "Quit crying, I'll give you a reason to cry." And then she spanked me. She, she hit me on my breeches. Sorry, was that a screenshot of my home on Zillow? And you go, "What's up?" No, no, it was like a, it was like a funny Capco edit of like, "Oh, it's like, you wanna go on a date?" No, no, no, yeah, I got that. It was funny. I just, um, was that a picture of my, my, I mean, it's not even my house, it's my parents' house. Was my parents' house on there? No, no, I know my finger must've slipped. I'm house hunting right now? Yeah, I'm house hunting right now. I must've accidentally included it. Yeah.

• 27:26Brittany Broski?

  Okay, right, right. No, and I knew you were moving, but I just saw, you know, like, I grew up in that house, so I would recognize it. I'm just kind of wondering like, why it was in the edit. You know, just asking. And then that is when I block him. Okay? You're asking too many fucking questions. What are you, the police? What are you, the fucking police? Get out of my asshole. We had this whole back and forth about like, first date ideas. I tie you to the railroad tracks and leave you there. And then he was like, that's a good one. First date idea. Um, I, what did he say? I buy a gun and I shoot you. And I said, oh, first date idea, we get in sensory deprivation tanks and drown each other. And he was like, oh, that's good, that's good.

• 28:10Brittany Broski?

  Imagine having direct access to me, bitch. If I wasn't me and I was a young gentleman with a peener, and I could talk to a woman like me, imagine not responding. Imagine being like, oh, she texted me, I'll get to it later.

• 28:32Brittany Broski?

  I cannot imagine that. Oh, my sweet lord. I do think as an adult, like, an oral chew toy would be really, really nice. Why don't babies get to have all the fun? Babies get to gum the shit out of those, those teething toys. I want to teethe. What if I'm teething?

• 28:52Brittany Broski?

  Don't look at her, she's teething.

• 28:56Brittany Broski?

  I hate getting dinner with Brittany, she teethes before she eats.

• 29:03Brittany Broski?

  Teething is a treatment for, for Benjy disorder.

• 29:08Brittany Broski?

  Oh, I gotta chew on my microplastics.

• 29:11Brittany Broski?

  Dude, teething? Teething as a 26-year-old, sorry, sorry, I'm teething. No, it's okay, it's okay. Not a lot of people understand it. Yes, it's part of my condition. What's your condition? Um, my gums? What's wrong with your gums? Well, I just have to chew on stuff sometimes. Why? Cause it, cause it feels good. Damn. Shit. What else you want to know? My bra size? Now we're down a fucking rabbit hole. Bear with me, I'll get out of this in a second. The frontal lobe, alright, the forebrain, the foreskin of the brain.

• 29:54Brittany Broski?

  And I do wonder, because Noel talked about this on the TMG podcast, if the human brain is actually the consistency of whipped butter, warm whipped butter, what would it taste like if it were to be, I don't know, salted, seasoned with a little lemon pepper and smeared on a piece of toast? The frontal lobe, the brain foreskin, is for personality and emotions, higher thinking skills like problem solving and controlling movement. The temporal lobe, sitting right under that, sort of like the taint ball sack

• 30:31Brittany Broski?

  lobe, helps process your hearing and other senses and helps with language and reading. So the ball sack helps you read. The parietal lobe, that's going to be the sort of crown, okay? The crown tip of the forebrain penis.

• 30:47Brittany Broski?

  Oh, y'all shit.

• 30:51Brittany Broski?

  It's hot as fuck under this dragon mask. Fuck.

• 30:57Brittany Broski?

  Shut up. Oh, Napoleon. Wow. He would have loved that chalky taste of Tums. Have y'all seen that freaky ass kinky letter that he sent to Josephine, his woman? Where he said, "I return in three days. Do not wash."

• 31:15Brittany Broski?

  That's crazy. He wanted that thing stinking.

• 31:24Brittany Broski?

  Like, shut up.

• 31:27Brittany Broski?

  Shut up. That's ridiculous.

• 31:35Brittany Broski?

  Napoleon, letter to Josephine, babe.

• 31:41Brittany Broski?

  Oh my god, please don't wash, we'll arrive in three days. That is crazy! Even historians do agree that Napoleon didn't mean that Josephine shouldn't do the laundry. Freaky ass motherfucker.

• 31:57Brittany Broski?

  He liked it stinky.

• 32:00Brittany Broski?

  Devil man! Or actually, that's a real man. My sister had a baby, and I took it over after she passed away, and the baby lost all its legs and arms, and now it's just a stump. But I take care of it with my wife, and it's growing, and it's fairly happy. And it's difficult because I'm working a second shift at the factory to put food on the table, but all the love I see in that little guy's face, it just makes it worth it in the end. True story!

• 32:32Brittany Broski?

  Broski Nation is expanding into space. Yes! Thank you. Thank you, guys. This has been years... Seriously, guys, stop. Thank you so much. You know, a lot of Broski Nation members are very, very educated, and some of you are not, and that's okay, because that's what this podcast is for, I'm here to help, okay? Let's consult the oracle, Google. And I remember we had to write our own little macabre poems, and my teacher gave me a B. Okay? You don't know you're dealing with an actual published Wattpad author, bitch.

• 33:07Brittany Broski?

  That's like giving Ulysses a fucking C+. That's like telling Mary Shelley, "Hmm, Frankenstein's okay." You're crazy! I wrote Allure, the Vampire Harry Styles fanfiction, the much-loved, number-one-selling on Wattpad, Harry Styles Vampire Fanfiction Allure, and you're gonna look at me and give me a B? That's like spitting in the face of Christ.

• 33:37Speaker 06

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• 34:07Speaker 03

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• 34:38Brittany Broski?

  You motherfucker! You know, sometimes I zoom out of what I'm doing, and I realize, the people who comment, "I don't like her, she's annoying," I get it.

• 34:50Brittany Broski?

  Where is Santa allowed to fly, uh, what air zones? Okay, like, is he allowed in certain airspaces, like above Canada, above the United States? Will we shoot him down? And does he have security clearance to sort of be over the DC area? A lot of things don't really make sense. Santa tracker, Nord Santa tracker? What, do we have a microchip, dude? Do we have a fucking satellite on him? I have so many questions, okay? Oh my God, I didn't even tell you. So my plan is to move in next to a... Oh, yeah, this movie, hold on, go back. It is so fucking hard, living in my brain for 30 minutes. Imagine trying to speak for an hour straight? What the fuck am I talking about? I had that moment about 36 different times throughout filming one of these.

• 35:35Brittany Broski?

  What the fuck am I talking about? What the fuck was I talking about?

• 35:46Brittany Broski?

  But I know every rock and tree and creature has a life, has a spirit, has a name. My very educated mother just serviced. Okay, now see, they fucking changed this bullshit because they, they are rewriting history in front of us, sheeple. Wake up, sheeple. They said Pluto's not a planet. They rewrote history. The moon and the sun are like having a domestic spat. I really don't know what's going on. You astrology bitches, you have got to explain it to me because the, it's mercury retrograde, but that shit happens like 17 times a year. I don't know. I don't know about mercury. Okay. Mercury has to do some really intensive therapy and I don't just mean therapy.

• 36:28Brittany Broski?

  I mean, like cognitive behavioral therapy. We gotta get mercury like in PT. Okay. We gotta get mercury in one of those pools where old people are like in pools. Man, some really intensive mental and physical therapy is needed because what the fuck is going on? I went to the pretty girl convention and you were not invited.

• 36:51Brittany Broski?

  I went to the pretty girl convention and you got denied access, bro. They did not let me in at the door. They said I didn't have the right credentials at the door. Please can you text your manager to let us in, bro? Please. I had a ticket and they took it. Back to Red Bull. God damn, can I fucking read? Shit. Like, stay focused. God damn. Like, I'm, I know y'all are pissed off as the viewers. I'm fucking annoyed. Can you, I've got like 18,000 tabs open. I'm fucking tweaking. I'm playing with my stem toy over here. I'm like, oh, the Red Bull can, the Red Bull can. Shut the fuck up. What am I, well, I don't even know what we're gonna talk about today. God damn.

• 37:31Brittany Broski?

  And so I was talking to all Team Green talent, which of course you and Mitchell and all the rest of the Team Green cast. And at the beginning, they had me and Tiffy sort of banter back and forth, just, you know, ah, some rivalry, like, yeah, team, my team's better than yours. Nah. And the meantime, we start kissing, that sort of thing. And in it, I said something like, well, we have the largest dragon. Okay. Cause his name, and I said his, I said, and his name is Vagar. Well, girl, they posted that clip, okay? And the Game of Thrones dorks came for me.

• 38:10Brittany Broski?

  Because Vagar is a woman, okay? And because of course, the biggest, baddest, scariest dragon in the land is a woman. In the moment, I got nervous and I said "he", okay? I had misgendered Vagar to the general populace. And I'd like to come on camera and apologize for doing that, because I did not mean to do that. Okay? And from the bottom of my heart, I did not mean to misgender Vagar. Okay? I'm not seeing any lip action. I wasn't checking out the genitalia on the CGI dragon. And for that, can't apologize enough. Okay? So, all that being said, I checked the comments under that video. And people were like, telling me to kill myself.

• 38:58Brittany Broski?

  Because I misgendered Vagar.

• 39:02Brittany Broski?

  Dork! You know what I mean? Like, I love this shit so much, but like, dork! Sometimes you just gotta say that. You just gotta call people online "dorks". And that's okay. Again, I apologize, I apologize, I've misgendered the dragon. But you're a freaking dork for pointing it out, okay? I'm normal. And anyone who says otherwise is a fucking liar and a hater.

• 39:38Brittany Broski?

  Can I fucking talk? Jesus Christ!

• 39:45Brittany Broski?

  Fucking reboot! Put it in right, shut the fuck up! Come on, one more time, I'll flash that badge, I'mma flash this badge. Don't look at it too deep. Badge, don't look at it too closely, okay? You wanna know something? We did a production of Annie in middle school. I didn't even get cast. I applied. I didn't even get cast. I got cut. Like, everyone was in it. I got cut. Fuck you bitches. And in high school theater, I did Spamalot. I did The Addams Family. They always made me cross-dress. Or dress up as some old woman. We did Bus Stop for a one-act play. The fucking director made me be an old woman. In The Addams Family, I was the grandmother. In Spamalot, I was a knight. I was actually four different knights.

• 40:29Brittany Broski?

  I had the most costume changes of anyone in the fucking play because they had me play four different men. Girl. Are you not entertained? Halt!

• 40:44Brittany Broski?

  Stop right there!

• 40:48Brittany Broski?

  Those who stand before me, prepare to die. Right? This feels so natural in my hand. Now, let one more Irishman fuck on me. Nuke! Nukes! Bomb them! Bomb them! Keep bombing them! Bomb them again!

• 41:25Brittany Broski?

  Your hands are so dainty and frail. Please, put down the mug. You don't have to wash it. And I say, guys. Guys, let me do this. I've always thought I have my father's hands. Because guess what I do? These are the hands of a blue-collar man. Okay? My hands look like this, so hers can look like this. But it's just that chicken foot with the painted nails. It's a chicken foot with three talons and a red painted nail. My hands look like my father's, so hers can look like that. And I'm going to show up in a nun costume and levitate above the crowd. I'm going to show up and be performing exorcisms for free.

• 42:06Brittany Broski?

  We go to the premiere and we do the carpet and it's just one roaming photographer on the carpet because they're waiting for the principal talent to get there. They don't give a fuck about influencers because why would you? I don't either. Do you know what I mean? But I was invited and I was like, I'll be my mom. And so we went and it was really fun. And we walked the carpet. It was just one guy by the fucking camera. He said, here, what's the name? And my publicist was like, Brittany Broski. And he goes, okay. Takes one, count them, one photo. Thank you.

• 42:40Brittany Broski?

  That was so funny. I was like, oh, thank you so much. Sir, thank you. No, thank you. Because I've been on some carpets where it's, baby, over here, over here, over here. You know what I mean? Like House of the Dragon, that sort of thing. It's like, because you're the host and you're important. But for some of these carpets, it's like, what's your fucking name? All right, move on. Next, like moving cattle. They were tagging cattle carpet. I was heifer number four. Oh, my God, I'm like shaking, I'm tweaking right now. I had like four cups of coffee.

• 43:12Brittany Broski?

  Hey, guys, today I'm going to get my hemorrhoid cream from CVS. These men, these men are wrapped around my finger. They want me so bad. I saw a comment on the post that I put up on Instagram that was like, oh, my God, they all wanted you so bad. I was like, it's like swatting away flies. It's like swatting away flies. Guys, stop, I'm working.

• 43:35Brittany Broski?

  Guys, seriously, I'm working right now. If you could just like keep the flirty, keep the flirty-ness to a bare minimum, okay? To a skeletal minimum. My brain is just an empty, my skull has cobwebs inside of it and it's just this small, little gooey, like shriveled brain. It's like, huh, huh, because of all the red 40. It's dyed red completely. It's completely red. My brain is red and shriveled like a raisin. And it's got mosquito bites on it. I am not usually, I'm about to lie. I was about to say, I'm not one to objectify men. Hey, yeah, the fuck I am. Hey, that's this entire podcast. Look, me, I'm not one to objectify men, okay? Hey, I'm lying. I looked at this man and I said, this must be what it feels like when it's.

• 44:24Brittany Broski?

  This must be what it feels like when a teenage boy like opens a Playboy magazine for the first time. Like opens it and does boing boing boing boing like their jaw hits the floor and like their tongue rolls out onto the floor like across the carpet. That's how I felt dude. Like me drifting across the room with hard eyes and my tongue on the floor like towards a pie on the windowsill. That's how I felt. I looked at this fart art and had just about fell out. And so that's this video that uh someone recorded from the Q and A. She uploaded it and I I saw it and I was like, that is so, because you know when I'm answering the questions, I don't think about what do I look like?

• 45:06Brittany Broski?

  And I watched this video and I saw my own reaction. I was like, yeah, that's accurate. Yeah, and I'd do it again. That's real. They just don't see.

• 45:16Brittany Broski?

  They don't see. Yes, they don't know what I know. They don't know what I've discovered. That the mermaids are very real and not only are they real, but they speak to me. Yes, they speak to me. Whenever I'm in a body of water, I hear the whisper across the waves. They speak to me. I know they're real because they're in my mind and everything in my mind is real. Y'all are dorks. Y'all are freaking dweebs. Y'all are dorks. And I love it. And I went on this date and I went to a guy's house and I was like, can I go to the bathroom? Where's your bathroom? He was like, yeah, sure, it's in there. And I was like, thanks. He was making me a drink in the living room and I went in the bathroom.

• 45:56Brittany Broski?

  He had one of those like college dorm shower curtains that was too short for the shower. Uh, no liner, so it's like molded, moldy toilet, beard hairs all over the sink, toothpaste splash on the mirror, no soap, uh, pubes on the sink as well and no towel and no hot water. And I go, I gotta get the fuck out of here. So I literally like, I hover peed, ran my hands to the water and I go, I gotta go actually. And he was like, what the fuck? What do you mean? And I literally was like, it was nice to meet you. Bye. And I walked out. And he like walked out and followed me to my car and he was like, do you still? I was like, no, I just forgot I had to be somewhere. It was really nice to meet you.

• 46:38Brittany Broski?

  Because at a certain point, what the fuck are you? Have some cell phone. Stand up. Stand up bitch. I had, I looked at myself in the mirror and said, stand up.

• 46:51Brittany Broski?

  You just hover peed at a man's house because you didn't want to get his pubes on the back of your thighs.

• 47:01Brittany Broski?

  Oh, if I was a man and I didn't have to give a shit about, imagine how free, oh god, how free they must feel. Be like, "Yeah, I got this hot bitch in my place. Yeah, you need the bathroom?" When she's in the bathroom like, "Whee, whee, whee, whee!" Oh god! She's having a full-blown identity crisis in the bathroom because she's at your place, because she agreed to come over. That was literally me. That's happened to me twice. I was like, "Oh god." And I always fall for it too, because a- at least after college, like, at that point in my life, I was like, "I'm just looking for a conversation that isn't gonna make me want to die." And so, any witty man who could hold a semblance of a conversation with me, I was like, "He's the one."

• 47:44Brittany Broski?

  And so, he'd be like, "You didn't come back to my..." "Yeah, let's go back to your place." "Oh, there's roaches on the floor." "I have to go! I have to go! Oh my god!" "The clock struck midnight. I have to go." "Midnight? The clock struck midnight."

• 48:01Brittany Broski?

  "I'm thinking the clock struck midnight." So, that's happened to me a few times, and it will never happen to me again. Ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, zhou! Bam! Zap! I'll be honest, I didn't finish the Bible. It's on my DNF. It's on my do-not-finish. Okay? Did not finish the Bible. Lost interest. No enemies to lovers, okay? Adam and Eve, never make up. If the camera zoomed into my head really quick and like, did one of those, where it blasted through all my arteries and shit, you would see cogs spinning, and you'd see little like, like, people working on a railroad in my mind. Like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!" The shit's on fire, and like, they're, they're revolting and like, tearing down monuments. Like, that's all going on in my brain. Alimony and child support, bitch. What about our children?

• 48:47Brittany Broski?

  What about young Seamus? What about young Seamus O'Flanagan? You're not thinking about our boys! You're not thinking about our boy. I marry an Irishman and start speaking in an Irish accent. Not how it works. You're not thinking about our boy. Seamus O'Flanagan. His father used to work the field. Penelope's better than me because I, I would have been like, Colin, get the fuck away from me. May I enter for dance? No bitch, that's my husband. Go, where is the Hubble Space Telescope? This is just me Googling. Where is the Hubble? Have y'all ever been to see it? It's actually in space.

• 49:29Brittany Broski?

  Okay, so if you've been to see the Hubble Space Telescope, let's talk after because what are you doing up in space? God, that's my Cassian, literally.

• 49:44Brittany Broski?

  God. Oh God, I'm knocking shit over. I start, when I start to get, oh, that bead of sweat drips down my back and I start just, I lose control of my hands, my phalanges, my appendages. They go off to the manger, the squad pulls up, the wise men, all of the, the asses and the horses and the king's men. I, I honestly don't know if Jack and Jill made it that night. And I don't think that Rumplestiltskin was alive at the time. So I'm just trying to remember everyone who was in the manger at the time. Um, of course, of course, we know that the wise men brought Frankenstein and merp.

• 50:23Brittany Broski?

  Of course, we know that, um, the wise men brought Frankenstein and merp.

• 50:29Brittany Broski?

  Okay, the, the wise men showed up with some gifts, with some baby shower gifts for the inevitable birth of baby Jesus, of course. Tender and mild Dunkin' Honey BBQ. They showed up and they were like, we brought you a nice dip tea candle. Um, it's Frankenstein scented. And we brought you some merp gifts. They went to Spencer's beforehand, the gag shop. They went to Hot Topic and Spencer's. They got Jesus some truck nuts. Thank God, Jesus.

• 50:59Brittany Broski?

  They got Jesus, um, one of those glasses that looks like, uh, it looks like the 3D movie glasses, but it's got the little train, chain that dangles down and it's got a mustache on it. Merp. Now, the worst drink I ever had in my life, that is going to be Everclear and Gatorade. And I went to a frat party at A and M and they said, punch. Punch? Everclear? Everclear is like rubbing alcohol, worse. Everclear is like jet fuel. That shit is lighter fluid. And you mixed it in a big, dirty Gatorade cooler with Gatorade. And there's flies floating on top? And you're talking about punch? Yeah, I had three cups.

• 51:43Brittany Broski?

  And yeah, it's the drunkest I've ever been to date. That shit was awful. Awful, cuz I didn't know how much you're supposed to drink. I was 19, that was the first time I was drinking. I didn't drink in high school. Okay, and you couldn't go to the bars. And so, when a scary white man says, "Here's a free drink." Hey, guess what? I had three. Never again in my fucking life. We all have to learn. We all have to learn and trust and believe I learned my lesson. I will never, ever clear. Oh my god, I'm gonna fucking gag thinking about it. Anyway. That was, I was so drunk, I was in front of the toilet that night talking about, "Mommy." I called my mom and left her a voice message and called her mommy. That's how fucking bad it was. Mommy, help me mommy.

• 52:28Brittany Broski?

  That's insane. I can vote. Mommy. Oh god. The drunker I get, the more my accent comes out, apparently. But also, that was in between me mocking him. Of course, I have to mock British people when I'm around them. So, no, I'm talking like this. I'm not gonna have a fucking green tea shot, darling. Darling, hello, mate. We're free more. We're free more green tea shots, thank you. So, I'm yelling at the bartender, I'm yelling at him, I'm yelling at this guy. I'm like, "Oh, you fucking more." "Olé, olé, olé, olé." Stupid. I'm talking to him, I'm flirting with him all night. This dude, okay? I don't even remember his fucking name. I wish I did. I'm flirting with him all night.

• 53:12Brittany Broski?

  We're at the bar, he's like touching my knee. He's like, he's, he's into it. He wa- he wants a piece of the broski.

• 53:23Brittany Broski?

  He wanted a piece of the boski, okay? He wanted a bite of boski. And guess what? The diner was open that night. I want to have witty banter and then maybe meet up and then maybe we ghost each other. Okay? That's what I want. Maybe, look, looking for an adventure partner?

• 53:43Brittany Broski?

  Adventure? What are you, fucking Robin Hood?

• 53:49Brittany Broski?

  Oh, thank God I fired my therapist. She is not gonna be watching all this. Okay, back to the Goonies big monster.

• 53:57Brittany Broski?

  I start calling in literally every two days. I'm like, oh, my grandma's sick. Oh, I had food poisoning. Oh, my car broke down. It was something new every day. I was trying to get creative. And then my manager would be like,

• 54:12Brittany Broski?

  "Two more of these and you're fired." And I'm like, "Oh, I'm gonna be fired?"

• 54:17Brittany Broski?

  "Oh, I'll go work at Outback Steakhouse, bitch, and I'll make more money there. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. I hate you."

• 54:25Brittany Broski?

  "You're gonna get fired." "Oh, good." "Please, Donald Trump, if you can hear me, please fire me. Please fire me." "Can't drink alcohol, but I can fight for my country." "Ladies and gentlemen, God bless America. God bless our troops. And gentlemen, start your engines." That was me on base.

• 54:59Speaker 06

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• 55:44Speaker 06

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• 56:29Speaker 06

  YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.