Is My Husband Cheating With Other Men?

Read Unreasonable Hospitality by Will Guidara Read The Comfort Crisis by Michael Easter 🔥 Microhabits for a Better Marriage. Download the Together app. On today’s episode, we hear about: A woman who discovered her husband has a secret A man struggling with the anxiety of homeownership A father worrying that he’s sabotaging his son’s future Next Steps: ❤️ Get away with your spouse today! 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Working knives for working people—Go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  I discovered some secret Reddit activity involving sexual conversations with men. We're in a repair process now, then we're doing all these things together. It, it feels weird to like feel so good. Sorry.

• 0:17Dr. John Delony?

  But you know, it's not real.

• 0:23Dr. John Delony?

  What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Delony Show. I'm so glad you're here. Wherever you're listening to the show, all over the planet, I'm grateful that you're with us. Sitting down with hurting people, trying to figure out what's the next right move in their lives. If you want to be on the show, click the link in the show notes. And if you don't know what a show note is like me, ask somebody about 10 to 20 years younger than you, and they will help you figure it out. Or you can ask someone 60 to 70 years older than you, like Kelly, and she could probably help you figure it out too. All right, let's go out to Tampa, Florida and talk to Becky. What's up, Becky?

• 1:04Speaker 00

  Hi, Dr. John. Thanks for taking my call today.

• 1:07Dr. John Delony?

  Of course. What's going on?

• 1:09Speaker 00

  Well, um, just to give you a little bit of a backstory here, my husband and I have been together for 23 years. Since I was 18 years old, we have three young kids. About two and a half years ago, he started severely struggling with depression, chronic PTSD, anxiety. During that time, he started exercising. He lost about 100 pounds.

• 1:33Dr. John Delony?

  Wow.

• 1:34Speaker 00

  And then, yeah, I know, but then a few months ago, I discovered some secret Reddit activity involving sexual conversations with men. And I had no idea. Like that came as a complete shock. Okay. He denied it. He denied that those posts were him, said somebody must have hacked into his account. He minimized it for weeks, even when I was completely falling apart and begging for honesty. However, we did start to rebuild. I thought even though I don't truly believe him, you know, as long as he doesn't do anything like that again, maybe I, I can move on. I'm not gonna throw away our family.

• 2:17Speaker 00

  Um, and it was actually really good for a few weeks. Like we were really more connected than we'd ever been before. It was, it was weird. Um, and then I discovered that he'd also been using the Grindr app.

• 2:30Dr. John Delony?

  Uh oh.

• 2:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. At least, at least once during that rebuilding period that was like maybe four or five weeks. Um, there were, and I looked at the history of the messages, most of it, which occurred longer ago than during that rebuilding period that we were going through, but there were explicit messages, exchanged photos and videos, plans to meet, and even an address given on a day that he said he went to the gym. Um, of course I confronted him about that. I pretty much thought our relationship was over. At that point in time, I removed the key, our house keys from his, from his key ring. Um, but he denied any physical encounters. Um,

• 3:18Speaker 00

  begged me to stay and work on it, promised, you know, that it was just messages, said that he did it as a way to escape his mental health things that was going on and just try to become a different person than what he was in real life. And he's not sexually attracted to men. And it didn't mean anything. He never actually met up with people. Part of the game he was playing was, I guess, ghosting these men. So he claims, um, but he's lied to me. Now more than once. So my question is, um, yeah, and, and again, we're in a repair process now and it's actually again,

• 4:02Speaker 00

  like weirdly really good. Like he's more focused on me and the kids and we're doing all these things together. It's, it feels weird to like feel so good.

• 4:16Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, you're okay. Take a breath. Take a breath. But you know, it's not real.

• 4:23Speaker 00

  I just wanna know if it's possible to rebuild.

• 4:27Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 4:28Speaker 00

  Even if I don't feel like I have the full truth, because I don't, I, I don't wanna leave. I don't want to break our family.

• 4:39Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 4:43Dr. John Delony?

  Take a big, deep breath and hold it for a second, okay? Take a, hold it, like, take a big, deep breath and hold it. And then count it down for three, two, and then exhale all the way out.

• 4:59Dr. John Delony?

  I'm sorry you're going through this.

• 5:02Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 5:05Dr. John Delony?

  So, to answer a question you did not ask me, can you rebuild? Yes. To answer your question that you did ask me, can you rebuild with only part of the truth? No, you can't.

• 5:19Dr. John Delony?

  You will always feel crazy.

• 5:22Speaker 00

  I feel like I, um, I feel like I'm a, like a P I. And I'm trying to uncover what actually happened. And I'm looking up passwords and I'm contacting the gym to see when he checked in. I don't wanna live my life like that.

• 5:39Dr. John Delony?

  Correct, and you shouldn't have to.

• 5:43Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so, whether you stay, whether you go, whether your marriage makes it moving forward, I want you to hear me directly. You did not blow this up, he did.

• 5:56Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 5:59Dr. John Delony?

  Whether you wanna be a part of excavating on the site of your former home and rebuild a new home on that land? Great. But you didn't blow this up, he did. You're trying to hold on to, like, the tornadoes over your house and it just blew your house down and you're hanging on to the umbrella over the back patio furniture right now. Just let go for a second, okay?

• 6:23Dr. John Delony?

  You're not crazy.

• 6:27Dr. John Delony?

  And the thing I like, um, the thing I want to focus in here on here is what you're feeling, which is, I can't trust him. He's not telling me the truth. Okay?

• 6:40Speaker 00

  I want to, but I don't.

• 6:41Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. And I want you to trust that intuition. You've known him for a long, long, long time, since you were a teenager.

• 6:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, and this behavior is like completely out of left field.

• 6:54Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. His dishonesty, has he fudged the, you know, has he, you know, lied a little bit here and there over the years? Or is this just the whole thing a blindside?

• 7:03Speaker 00

  The whole thing is a blindside. He's generally always been a really good person. We've always had a good relationship. You know, it's been struggling the last couple of years with his mental health. And I've taken on a lot more of the home and responsibility with the kids, thinking that, you know, would help him relieve his burden. But then to find out he was doing this behind my back while I'm drowning more, trying to take care of home and life and paying the bills and kids' doctor's appointments.

• 7:38Dr. John Delony?

  Sure.

• 7:38Speaker 00

  That is very hurtful.

• 7:40Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. So

• 7:44Dr. John Delony?

  there is, I've, I've heard this numerous times, there is truth to

• 7:50Dr. John Delony?

  whether it's with gay relationships, whether it's with three, whether it's just things that are out of the norm for somebody. What used to, for all of human history, been a flash in a person's mind, or even a place that a rabbit hole they went down in their own head, now can take place online. So it might be true that he's been fantasizing about a thing just to feel alive and to feel like, wow, and to feel like, who knows? Or maybe he's bisexual. Maybe. Who knows?

• 8:26Speaker 00

  And that, that part is not...

• 8:28Dr. John Delony?

  I, I, I can actually hear that. And you're like, that is, that doesn't seem to bother you as much as the dishonesty and the

• 8:34Speaker 00

  Correct.

• 8:34Dr. John Delony?

  the safety, right? Like if he's

• 8:36Speaker 00

  Right.

• 8:37Dr. John Delony?

  hooking up men or women, it puts you in an incredibly unsafe situation.

• 8:41Speaker 00

  I did go get STD tests and they were all negative.

• 8:44Dr. John Delony?

  Great. Wonderful. Um, and that, that's a wise thing for anybody who finds out their spouse is cheating on them. The second thing here is, um, I would love to know about these pictures and videos. Is he sending explicit videos of him masturbating? Is he sending videos of him dancing? Like, what did you see on these videos?

• 9:06Speaker 00

  Uh, genital pictures back and forth.

• 9:09Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 9:09Speaker 00

  And videos.

• 9:10Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 9:12Dr. John Delony?

  In my book, in my world, that exceeds, I'm just playing fantasy. That's participation, okay? And so, right, wrong?

• 9:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, I don't understand.

• 9:23Dr. John Delony?

  Go ahead.

• 9:23Speaker 00

  Sorry, go ahead. I was just gonna say, I don't understand why someone would do that if they're not getting any sexual gratification.

• 9:30Dr. John Delony?

  Right, right. And, and again, every, sexuality is such a mess with people and what they're into and what excites them and what makes them feel alive. All the, that's just such a chaotic, specific thing for every individual person. But the way in my head, and this is, I don't have any science behind this. This is just me sitting with couple after couple after couple after couple. I have kind of layers or levels, which is

• 10:00Dr. John Delony?

  thinking about somebody that if I thought these thoughts out loud, it would devastate my spouse. To engaging in what I'll call an emotional affair, right? To sending photos and sending, um, videos back and forth explicit, and then to actually meeting up. And so, this, I, I, I want you to hear me say, this is a really big deal.

• 10:25Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? Or take the, take the, take the other men off.

• 10:32Dr. John Delony?

  If this was a woman and they were sending videos back and forth, nude videos and photos back and forth, there'd be no doubt in your mind, right? And because this seems out of character for him, just because it's other men, it feels like there's a crack in, like, a way to navigate through that and say, "No, no, no, this is just me being ridiculous" and like experimenting and what, but if you replace the man with a woman, there'd be no question, right?

• 11:01Speaker 00

  Right. The only thing, I don't even know if comfort is the right word, but, like, he doesn't personally know these people. No names were even exchanged, no face pictures or anything like that.

• 11:14Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, and here's the thing, it might protect you emotionally that it's not your sister or your brother or your cousin, but the recklessness with which that activity's happening with strangers,

• 11:29Dr. John Delony?

  to me, is an escalation of activity. It is making this a, almost more compulsory interaction, right? It's not just he's falling for somebody and somebody else makes him feel alive, or there's some, what does he do for a living?

• 11:49Speaker 00

  Paramedics.

• 11:49Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, there's, I got friends and I've run the streets with paramedics before. Paramedics, firefighters, cops, there is an, there's an extra layer of intimacy because you're doing really wild stuff together. And so if this was a paramedic coworker of his, you'd still have the same infidelity issue, you'd still have the same,

• 12:14Dr. John Delony?

  what am I trying to say, like, the same heartbreak, the same dishonesty you'd be dealing with. But in my mind, I get that because there's been an established relationship. Y'all are there at 2:00 a.m.

• 12:25Dr. John Delony?

  with people screaming and yelling and you're saving lives, right? There's an extra intimacy built into those things. This has a recklessness to it.

• 12:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:34Dr. John Delony?

  That is concerning, okay?

• 12:39Dr. John Delony?

  Big picture, there is no path forward for you two if you can't exhale and say, "I trust him now."

• 12:48Speaker 00

  We do have couples therapy coming up.

• 12:52Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, and again, couples therapy doesn't have a great track record statistically speaking. The path forward for you will be to go in very explicit and maybe you tell him on the front end, we're gonna have a neutral third party. My expectation is you come fully, fully clean. And he doesn't have to know, I'm not saying play games with him, but he doesn't have to know, he knows you've been looking and you've been digging. Say, my expectation is you come fully clean. I've called the gym, I've checked our bank account records, I've, whatever, looked at your GPS. My expectation is you come fully clean.

• 13:35Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 13:38Speaker 00

  Um, because this has another, he would be admitting something more than just cheating. It would be an admission of a different sexual identity.

• 13:50Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but it sounds like you're with him. It sounds like you love him as a person. You loved him when he was 100 pounds up, you've loved him through his depression, you've loved him on his journey back, like, and if that's the case, he's, regardless of sexual identity, he committed to you, right? And so that, the commitment he made there, if he wants to break that commitment, then that's his, that's his decision to make and you and those kids will be left in the aftermath of that decision. But he made a commitment to you.

• 14:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:27Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And, I mean, the conversations with identity are so fraught with electricity and rage and anger and...

• 14:38Dr. John Delony?

  That's different than, there's an identity piece to this. There is a just sense, like a, like a, I'm seeking somewhat reckless adventure. Man, woman, like, I don't care. Right? And so, before we get to all these identity layers and before you start projecting out 10 years down the road, I want you to come back to the present, which is, I don't believe I can trust the man I'm sharing a home with.

• 15:05Dr. John Delony?

  And when we started to rebuild, this was still going on.

• 15:10Speaker 00

  Right.

• 15:10Dr. John Delony?

  Right? So, even if you sit down in front of this therapist, with him, and he says, "I'm looking you dead in the eye." My wife of, what, 20 years, 18 years? Is that what you said?

• 15:22Speaker 00

  We've been together 23 years.

• 15:24Dr. John Delony?

  23 years, almost a quarter century. "Yes, I sent these videos. Yes, I sent these pictures. Yes, I was being reckless. And, yes, there's now pictures and videos of me nude on the internet forever, that have been saved and screenshot by other strangers who I don't know, and I don't know what they're gonna do with it." Right? "Yes, that happened, but I never, ever physically cheated on you. And I'm sorry, and I was wrong." Right? If he does that, then the next step for you is gonna be to decide, A, do I wanna give him a path back? And I would recommend the path back be, you go to a flip phone, brother.

• 16:03Dr. John Delony?

  Because I'm not gonna play PI detective. I can't live my life like that. I got three other kids.

• 16:09Dr. John Delony?

  Um, and you get really specific about what path he would have to walk to reestablish trust with you over time. And being really sweet to you, being really kind, doing the dishes, that's not what we're looking for here. That's part of it. That's, that's a standard for every husband should have for their wife, period. My gosh, right?

• 16:27Speaker 00

  Right.

• 16:29Dr. John Delony?

  The path is gonna be, "I don't trust you on electronics."

• 16:34Dr. John Delony?

  Because while we were rebuilding, you had another account that you didn't tell me about. You watched me sob my eyes out in our living room, and you said everything was fine, and you had another account, and you were still sending messages to people.

• 16:48Speaker 00

  Um, it didn't take me very much to find it. I just had never looked at his phone before I trusted him. But as soon as I, it, it took me five minutes to find everything.

• 16:58Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 17:01Dr. John Delony?

  And I'll also

• 17:02Speaker 00

  He wasn't hiding it very well.

• 17:03Dr. John Delony?

  Well, and sometimes people don't think to hide it. Sometimes after 23 and a half years, it doesn't occur to him that you would look at his phone. I will say, there is major shifts in personalities when people lose, go through a major life transformation like he's gone through.

• 17:18Speaker 00

  With the weight or the

• 17:21Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 17:22Speaker 00

  Mental health or both?

• 17:23Dr. John Delony?

  Both. Both. And so, him suddenly opening his eyes and he's 100 pounds lighter and he has, not only the weight is gone, but his confidence is different.

• 17:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, I don't think he would have done this if he was 100 pounds heavier.

• 17:41Dr. John Delony?

  Maybe, maybe not. But, but again, if he's coming into his own and he's been, you know, part of the way he's coped with having to hide part of himself over the last 23 years, or 25 years, or 40 years, who knows? Has been food, has been chronically running around trying to help other people. Who knows? The reality is, where you have to get to is, I believe you're walking a path. But you have to hear me say, you did not blow your family up. And this realization, this clarity should make you mad? Make you real, real angry? Anger's right.

• 18:21Dr. John Delony?

  And what you have to do is to commit to being the person you want to be as you show up and deal with what's the next right move. I hate that you're going through this, sister. Hate it. You call me back anytime. If he wants to call back, I'd love to talk to him too. But nothing gets rebuilt without trust. Nothing. We come back, a man asks how to overcome his anxiety and fear about his home issues and repairs as a brand-new homeowner. Oh God almighty, I've been there. We'll be right back.

• 18:58Dr. John Delony?

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• 19:42Dr. John Delony?

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• 20:05Dr. John Delony?

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• 20:50Dr. John Delony?

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• 21:28Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's roll out to Dallas, Texas and talk to Daniel. Hey, Daniel, what's up, brother?

• 21:33Speaker 02

  What's up, Dr. Deloney? How you doing?

• 21:35Dr. John Delony?

  I'm good, my man. How are you?

• 21:37Speaker 02

  I'm doing fine. I'm doing fine right now. It was pretty hot out here, but we're surviving.

• 21:41Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, yes, yes, yes. Texas is grinding this, this year, man. It's gonna be a hot summer.

• 21:46Speaker 02

  For sure, for sure.

• 21:47Dr. John Delony?

  So what's up?

• 21:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, man. First of all, I want to thank y'all for taking my phone call. I'mma just get straight to the point. Honestly, I'm a recent homeowner about like a year and a half, like about a year and a half going on to two years. And honestly, man, I just feel like every time something like a little thing turns, my head turns to a big thing. For example, like I hear the door squeak, I think the worst. I hear the dishwasher's draining slowly, I think the worst. Like my mind just goes everywhere, goes from zero to 100 real quick. And I just want to overcome that anxiety that I have. So like I just, the smallest thing, I turn it into a big deal, right? So I mean, every little thing, I just look at it, well, what's the possibility, what's the root cause?

• 22:32Speaker 02

  And then when I dive deeper, I just feel like I just go into a rabbit hole, you know, just trying to find an explanation, trying to, trying to see what's the, what's the root cause of it. And then, yeah, I just, I just want to overcome my fear of just being a homeowner and then just, you know, just, it doesn't help that it's also expensive being a homeowner, a homeowner. So I just want to see what advice can you give me just to overcome those fear and anxiety that I have?

• 22:56Dr. John Delony?

  My man, do you know my story?

• 23:00Speaker 02

  I do not.

• 23:02Dr. John Delony?

  So I'm gonna, at the end of this call, hang on the line, I'm gonna send you a copy of the book I wrote, Building a Non-Anxious Life, okay? And I'mma send you the audiobook too, because I know reading's not for everybody, but it's got the audiobook too. That book opens up with me crawling around in my backyard on all fours, looking for cracks in my foundation.

• 23:24Speaker 02

  I'm the same way, the same way, doctor.

• 23:27Dr. John Delony?

  Every time there was a hairline, just a normal settling crack around a doorway, I would call two or three contractors to come over and they would look at the house and they'd be like, dude, this house is great. And I'd, and you know what my thought was? Here I am, I can't fix nothing, dude. And here's like a professional contractor and I'm like, oh, he didn't get it. He didn't, he didn't know. And I'd get another one, and I'd get another one. And so here's the thing, my guess is... If you were to sell this house and just go back to renting, your mind would move to something else.

• 24:04Dr. John Delony?

  Another problem that has little tiny, like, where do you work right now?

• 24:09Speaker 02

  I'm sorry?

• 24:10Dr. John Delony?

  Where do you work?

• 24:11Speaker 02

  Oh, I work in the restaurant industry.

• 24:14Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 24:15Speaker 02

  Yeah, food and retail.

• 24:16Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so my guess is, if you haven't before, you would, I don't want to put something in your mind, so you'll do it after this call, but that you're always got your head on a swivel. You're watching to see how your supervisor is thinking about you. You're making, like, you probably keep an eye on the people you're taking care of out in the lobby, right, who's serving food. It's living this always on edge. Your body is always scanning 24/7 screaming at you, here's another thing, here's another thing. So here's why I'm telling you all this. I want you to exhale and consider the fact that your body is right.

• 24:56Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 24:57Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 24:58Dr. John Delony?

  What if it's right? Not that your house has fallen down. But what if it's right that you are in a pretty precarious financial situation?

• 25:09Dr. John Delony?

  That if you needed a new refrigerator and a new dishwasher, you'd be in a mess.

• 25:16Dr. John Delony?

  Or if your AC in Dallas, Texas went out, you don't have the money to replace it.

• 25:22Speaker 02

  Right.

• 25:23Dr. John Delony?

  If that's the case, then your body's actually right. It's trying to get your attention that you or in your family are in an unsafe situation. So, we don't want to get rid of that alarm system. All anxiety is, is a fire alarm, dude. And most of the time, we run around with a hammer trying to break all of the smoke detectors, or we climb up and try to take the batteries out of the smoke detectors, when the real problem is there's a fire going on. Okay? So-

• 25:53Dr. John Delony?

  The challenge for you is to back out of your body's response to this crack, this little squeaky noise, this little weird sound in the dishwasher, and ask yourself, here's a, here's, and I distill all the way down into six choices. It's taken all the neuroscience, all the nerd stuff, all the way down to six things.

• 26:16Dr. John Delony?

  Number one is, what's reality? What's the status of my financial situation? Did I run out and buy a house? Are you married right now?

• 26:23Speaker 02

  Yes, I am.

• 26:24Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, you got kids?

• 26:26Speaker 02

  Um, on the way.

• 26:27Dr. John Delony?

  See, man, so your body's working perfectly. You should be nervous, that you gotta, you should be anxious. You got a kid coming in, right? It's like, if you're doing squats, that, somebody just threw two more 45 plates on each side. That bar got heavy, right?

• 26:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, sure.

• 26:42Dr. John Delony?

  And so, instead of beating up your body or trying to avoid it, be like, okay, this thing just got real heavy, so I gotta do what I gotta do, that I can start lifting this weight. And so, choosing reality here is, what is the true, honest to God state of your marriage? What is the true, honest to God state of your financial situation? What is the true situation of your work?

• 27:06Dr. John Delony?

  Is there a chance you're gonna get laid off the next nine months? Or is there a chance you're gonna get laid off the next year? Or are things pretty stable there? Right, so we're gonna go, and we're gonna choose reality. The next thing is, do you have any male friends in your life that are ride or die bros, that you could call in the middle of the night to help you out?

• 27:25Speaker 02

  Um, at the moment, I'm working on it, I'm working on it.

• 27:28Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, hey, dude, no shade. This is just me going through the list, okay? Here's the thing, if your body knows you have no other men to call,

• 27:38Dr. John Delony?

  it would be failing you if it let you sleep all night.

• 27:42Dr. John Delony?

  Because it knows you're all you got.

• 27:46Dr. John Delony?

  If, if, if your body knows you've got no body and no money in the, in the bank, it would be screa-, it would, it would be not doing its job if it wasn't screaming at you all the time, "You're not safe, you're not safe, you're not safe." And it's gonna attach to weird stuff, like cracks on a door, or squeaks, but it's, it's trying to get your attention that we're not okay.

• 28:07Dr. John Delony?

  All right, what's the state of your health?

• 28:11Speaker 02

  Right now, I say pretty normal. I mean, I feel pretty healthy. I go to the gym. I wouldn't say often, but at least two times out of the week, I try to.

• 28:18Dr. John Delony?

  Good.

• 28:19Speaker 02

  Try to go to a run with my wife and so forth.

• 28:21Dr. John Delony?

  What's the state of your, um, of your, uh, what's the state of your, uh, sleep?

• 28:27Speaker 02

  Uh, honestly, not, not, not that great. Honestly, I probably get like six hours of sleep and that's kind of pushing it.

• 28:33Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 28:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, I wouldn't say that great, to be honest.

• 28:37Dr. John Delony?

  All right. So here's, I want you to, to make a commitment. Okay. The restaurant work that you do, are you working late into the night?

• 28:46Speaker 02

  Um, yes, yes, like around eleven. Usually eleven, I get off.

• 28:50Dr. John Delony?

  All right. Here's, I want you to try something for 30 days. Will you make a commitment to me and everybody listening?

• 28:55Speaker 02

  Yes, sir.

• 28:56Dr. John Delony?

  When you get off of work, I want you to check your phone just for text messages and whatnot. Absolutely no sports scores, no news, nothing.

• 29:07Dr. John Delony?

  Check to make sure your friends and family are okay, your wife's okay. And then I want you to turn that phone completely off and don't turn it back on until you wake up the next morning at nine o'clock in the morning.

• 29:18Speaker 02

  Yes, sir.

• 29:18Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So here's what I want you to, I want you to begin developing a practice where you sleep seven hours a night.

• 29:26Dr. John Delony?

  And it's going to take you about two months to land that plane. It's hard. Okay?

• 29:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, for sure.

• 29:33Dr. John Delony?

  But your brain is going to get all kind of cattywampus if you're not sleeping.

• 29:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 29:41Dr. John Delony?

  All right.

• 29:42Speaker 02

  And just, I'm, I'm sorry to interrupt, but just to, just to add, my, my wife, she, she, she sees me, she sees me go crazy sometimes. So she, she tells me, like, when things are calm or things are, are, are pretty stable, she just feels like I can't relax.

• 29:57Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 29:58Speaker 02

  Like, go, go, go, go. Like, every little thing, I just try to find out. I make it to a big deal. So.

• 30:03Dr. John Delony?

  That's right, that's right.

• 30:03Speaker 02

  That's one thing I, I try to, I try to make myself self-aware, but yeah, like I said, and I noticed that as well. Like, I'm a type of individual that I, I really can't relax. Like, I always have to do something, whether it be working, um, doing house chores or.

• 30:18Dr. John Delony?

  How, how did you grow up? Mom, mom and dad in the house?

• 30:23Speaker 02

  Yes, yes, opening more now. Well, I would say opening more like on the go as well.

• 30:27Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 30:27Speaker 02

  Almost working 24/7 and everything. So that might be a factor of, of, you know, just my, my lifestyle. But yeah, I just feel like growing up, my parents were just on the go, go, go as well.

• 30:37Dr. John Delony?

  So here, it's gonna sound nutty, but there might be a season when you look at her and you say, "I need to get three months of an emergency fund in the bank."

• 30:50Dr. John Delony?

  "Because our family's not safe."

• 30:53Speaker 02

  Right.

• 30:53Dr. John Delony?

  "And so we're gonna not go out to eat. We're not gonna do crazy things. We wanted to go on a trip before the baby was born. We're not gonna do that either. "We're gonna stack cash and I'm gonna work extra shifts at the restaurant. I'm gonna go get another shift at another restaurant. "And I'm gonna get us, but I want you and her to talk about a dollar amount. Okay? "And I'm gonna send you the EveryDollar app, um, and it's gonna help y'all create a budget together."

• 31:16Speaker 02

  Okay, okay.

• 31:17Dr. John Delony?

  What anxiety lo- doesn't love is facts.

• 31:24Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 31:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:26Dr. John Delony?

  When you have, like, when you say, "We have, I'm gonna grind it out until we get 15 grand in the bank, 10 grand in the bank. "And then on the other end of that, my commitment to you is,

• 31:40Dr. John Delony?

  "when I get home at 11 o'clock, um, well, she might already be in bed, especially if she's got a newborn, right?

• 31:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, for sure.

• 31:47Dr. John Delony?

  "But, um, we're gonna commit to a long, slow breakfast together in the morning. "No phones, no TV, no electronics, just us."

• 31:58Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 31:59Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you, this is gonna sound crazy, but I want you to begin to practice. This is practice, this is skill you don't have. It doesn't mean you're a bad guy. In fact, you're a great guy. You care about your wife, you care about this new baby, you care about making sure your family's safe, you care about you being safe, right? I want you to practice exhaling and relaxing. Here's how you do that. I've, I, I carried a journal around with me for years and all I did was write down the crazy fears I was having.

• 32:29Dr. John Delony?

  What if the restaurant goes under? What if the, the price of beef keeps going up? And people quit buying our burgers and our steaks and our enchiladas and it goes away, right? I would write down all those crazy fears. Cause you know what? Here's the deal. You can't do anything about any of that stuff. All you could do is show up at the restaurant, the best version of yourself and do the best job you can serving people who come to you and say, um, I want a great meal.

• 32:52Dr. John Delony?

  Right? But writing those things down and getting them out of your head is huge. Bro, I carried around a thing with me for years. I have one in my bag right this second. I have a bag right below my desk in the studio that I still write down stuff. But I'll tell you, after doing this for years, I have very few of those things now.

• 33:12Speaker 02

  Right, right. Okay. So yeah, that's very helpful. You just jot in the, just jot in the fears down and then just jot in what I can control and just the facts.

• 33:19Dr. John Delony?

  Right. But here's what I do though. I write them down and then I give them a day.

• 33:25Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 33:25Dr. John Delony?

  Cause when I write them down, I'm still pretty hot on it. My emotions are still running pretty hot.

• 33:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 33:29Dr. John Delony?

  A day later, I can look at that fear I wrote down and I can say, hey, is this real?

• 33:35Dr. John Delony?

  Is my house really falling apart because the door squeak? No. Can I go get a $4 can of WD-40 and fix that? Yeah, I can do that.

• 33:46Dr. John Delony?

  And the next thing is, can I control any of this? It might be that the fear is real. The beef prices this year are nuts. Right?

• 33:55Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 33:55Dr. John Delony?

  That's true.

• 33:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 33:56Dr. John Delony?

  People are buying fewer burgers and steaks out at restaurants. That's true. Nothing we can do about it. So you're gonna ask yourself, can I control any of that? No. Can I make it rain more in Texas? No. Okay, cool. What can I control here? Man, I better make my restaurant experience the best opportunity for somebody to get away from their home for a night and have a great time.

• 34:17Dr. John Delony?

  That's all you can control there, right?

• 34:20Speaker 02

  Yeah, for sure.

• 34:21Dr. John Delony?

  And, but again, all of this dude, like hear me say this over and over. You're a good man.

• 34:28Speaker 02

  I try to be

• 34:29Dr. John Delony?

  No, I know you are. I know you are. And there are seasons when we grind it out. I just finished a grinding out season that was about a year long. And me and my wife planned for it six months before it started. And we both knew it, but once that finish line hit, that finish line hit, right?

• 34:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 34:46Dr. John Delony?

  And so dude, you are on the right path. Hang on the line. I'm gonna hook you up with that book. And we're gonna keep this thing going. And also, I'm gonna send you the Together app for you and your wife. You got a new baby coming. So I'm gonna send you two apps. One is the budgeting app, EveryDollar app. Okay, it's awesome. You and your wife use this thing. This is choosing reality. What is our true financial situation? Okay. And the second one is the Together app, which is gonna give you a thing you can do towards your wife every morning. And if she wants in on it, she can do it too, a thing to you. And then you're all gonna ask each other things like, what does, like, what is a way she can love you well? When you're starting to spin up a little bit. Just telling you, why don't you relax? That ain't gonna help.

• 35:31Dr. John Delony?

  Sometimes it's just, I'm gonna hold your hand and we're gonna watch one episode of a TV show. We're gonna go for a walk together. Right? And you ask her, how can I, how can I love you? When I get home at 11 o'clock, I'll do, I'll do a chore or two around the house. And I'll make sure I'm doing my part here at the house too. Cause we're about to have a baby and I never saw my dad do that kind of stuff, but I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be a different dad than he was. He did the best he could with the tools he had, but I'm gonna be a different kind of dad. That's awesome, man. It's awesome. But it'll give you all language to talk with each other about it. But you're on the right path, my man. Do not try to avoid anxiety. Go right through the middle of it. Go right to where the smoke is coming from and see if you can find the fire.

• 36:15Dr. John Delony?

  And if you're worried about your house, get a contractor over there to look at it. List your concerns and they're gonna tell you, yeah, this is an issue, not an issue, not an issue. And this one issue, you can wait five years before you fix it. Or this needs to be fixed right away. And now you have a real thing that you can go attack.

• 36:33Dr. John Delony?

  But brother, I'm glad to have gotten the chance to talk to you. You're a good man, dude. You're gonna be a great, great dad. We come back. A man asks how to raise a confident son when he struggles with his own self-confidence. Great question. We'll be right back.

• 36:49Dr. John Delony?

  Alright, so I went into this local corner store the other day and I just wanted to buy a few things. And when I went to checkout, here's what they asked me for. They asked me for my address, my phone number, they wanted a picture, they wanted the names of my kids and my family, my social security number. Alright, I went too far. They didn't ask for all that stuff, but listen, I just wanted some paper plates and some cups and they wanted my soul. And this doesn't just happen at the corner store, it's happening every time we buy anything. Listen, every time you give out your cell number, your email address, or you buy something online, data brokers are grabbing your information and they're selling it to the highest bidder, leaving you vulnerable to spam and scams. This is a big part of why I use and recommend Delete Me.

• 37:34Dr. John Delony?

  Your phone number, your home address, your family's personal information and more are just floating around online, sitting on data broker sites that you've never even heard of. Delete Me finds your personal information online and they remove it for you, not just once. They keep monitoring for it and cleaning it up month after month. You can close the gap between what you think is private and what actually is, because you cannot build a peaceful life if parts of your life are being sold online without your permission. Go to joindelete.me/deloney and get 20% off an annual plan. That's joindelete.me/deloney.

• 38:15Dr. John Delony?

  Alright, let's go out to Phoenix, Arizona where it's extra hot and talk to Steven. What's up Steven?

• 38:22Speaker 03

  Hey, that's Dan. Thanks for taking my call. Uh, my question is, how can I raise a confident son when I don't have confidence in myself? And I have some like backstory.

• 38:31Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I'd love to hear it. What's going on?

• 38:34Speaker 03

  Um, and I wrote it down. It's pretty short, but this, that's how I do it, so.

• 38:39Dr. John Delony?

  As a guy struggling with confidence, I applaud you writing it down. Good for you, man.

• 38:44Speaker 03

  Okay. Um, thank you. Uh, so along with attributes I value like a strong work ethic and protecting the people in my life, I was raised to hate my body, to chase love through my efforts, and to know that nothing I do is good enough. My wife has a chronic illness and my son has level two autism. Caring for them is great for that part of me that needs to serve, but I don't know how to feel loved without working for it, and I don't want that for my son. I always try to encourage my son's hard work, but follow up with the fact that I would love him even if he couldn't do any of the amazing things he can do. But I'm so worried that he's gonna grow up with all of my issues. I'm afraid he's gonna turn out like me. How do I raise him to love himself and be a better man than me?

• 39:25Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, man.

• 39:32Dr. John Delony?

  Man, that's a lot you're carrying, brother.

• 39:38Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:41Dr. John Delony?

  And I just gotta say,

• 39:45Dr. John Delony?

  it's a, it's a high honor that I get to talk to you.

• 39:52Dr. John Delony?

  You're a good dad, and you're a good husband, you're a good man.

• 39:57Speaker 03

  I don't feel that way.

• 39:58Dr. John Delony?

  I know. Feelings don't tell us the truth sometimes. A lot of the time.

• 40:04Speaker 03

  Yeah, I, I can recognize that, like mentally and logically, but then-

• 40:09Dr. John Delony?

  I know, I know.

• 40:10Speaker 03

  As far as how I live it out.

• 40:11Dr. John Delony?

  I know.

• 40:13Dr. John Delony?

  What are ways you, um, deal with, like, the things that you don't tell anybody about? Um, what are ways you deal with looking in the mirror and hating the guy that you see?

• 40:27Dr. John Delony?

  Alcohol, pornography, like, what are ways you deal with it? Or do you just squash it all?

• 40:33Speaker 03

  Um, I, I, I would say that it's, I'm not struggling with it right now, but emotionally, eating is definitely something-

• 40:42Dr. John Delony?

  Yep.

• 40:43Speaker 03

  That, uh, that I've dealt with. Um, I've had, I've had some alcohol and pornography stuff in the past, but that's kind of years behind me. Um, um, but, um, yeah, I, eating feels good.

• 40:56Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 40:57Speaker 03

  And so, I'll do that.

• 40:58Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 41:01Dr. John Delony?

  Man.

• 41:03Dr. John Delony?

  So the thing I want to ask you is, what is it about you, forget the fact how you were raised, people put stories in your mind, I get that. What is it about you? When you look in the mirror, what is it about you that you don't like?

• 41:23Speaker 03

  Um.

• 41:25Speaker 03

  I feel like I'm always, I think, letting myself down, like.

• 41:30Dr. John Delony?

  Be specific, how are you letting Steven down?

• 41:36Speaker 03

  Um. I mean, just even day to day, like I, I don't,

• 41:42Speaker 03

  like, do all the things that I, you know, expect to do or want myself to do and it, I feel like it's always just because of my own, like, inability to follow through or shortcomings or, you know, all, I don't know, I.

• 41:58Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, but do you hear the, the vagueness?

• 42:04Dr. John Delony?

  Be specific for me.

• 42:08Dr. John Delony?

  What are some ways you've let down Steven this past week?

• 42:16Dr. John Delony?

  When you, when you said I need to do some things, and then you didn't do them?

• 42:24Speaker 03

  Uh, I mean, I've, I have projects that, like just personal projects that I've wanted to work on, like, I'm really good at starting things and never finishing them.

• 42:35Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 42:35Speaker 03

  Um, and so like there's, you know, specific things, um, that I've, you know, had goals to attain, you know, um, this week that, like I haven't even worked on, like I, I did make it to the gym this morning. Um, you know, first day of the week, but I did that, so that was good. But, um,

• 42:57Speaker 03

  I, uh, I don't know, I just

• 43:01Speaker 03

  don't complete what I kind of set up for myself.

• 43:06Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So I want you to catch your language, how you shifted, okay?

• 43:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:12Dr. John Delony?

  Everything feels like you're under one of those anxiety blankets. You know those blankets that are like 10 or 20 or 30 pounds?

• 43:18Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 43:18Dr. John Delony?

  They're just heavy and they're all over you. When you start getting specific, you immediately switch to, "I let myself down. I don't do what I need to do." And when I pressed you a few times, you said, "Well, there's some things I want to do."

• 43:40Dr. John Delony?

  And what I hear is, "You're a guy that's got some stuff you want to do, and I'm gonna make some stuff up, right? You got a car you want to rehab. You have a yard you want to do some landscaping in, or whatever. And you have a wife that needs extra love and care. You have a son that takes extra responsibility.

• 44:00Dr. John Delony?

  And you put the things that you want on the back burner to make sure your family is okay."

• 44:09Dr. John Delony?

  That, my brother, makes you a good man.

• 44:14Speaker 03

  I just feel like that another man would be doing better.

• 44:21Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, I want to tell you, your feelings are wrong.

• 44:27Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? Because your whole life, what you felt didn't matter.

• 44:35Dr. John Delony?

  And so I want you to let it seep into your body that your temperature gauge, that is your feelings, has been distorted over time by how you grew up, by the stories you were told about you. You don't look right, you don't do right. You're asked, like, who you are isn't enough.

• 45:00Dr. John Delony?

  Right? So your feelings are a temperature gauge.

• 45:05Dr. John Delony?

  And so I want you to exhale and say, "Man, my folks growing up, they messed up my temperature gauge."

• 45:14Dr. John Delony?

  And you see how that's a mechanical thing? It's not a character thing.

• 45:21Dr. John Delony?

  It's not a moral thing.

• 45:25Dr. John Delony?

  On top of that, you made sure everybody was okay, and then you got your butt in the gym this morning.

• 45:30Dr. John Delony?

  That's a huge freaking win, because I'll tell you, most men, if I look at the data, would not have gone this morning.

• 45:40Dr. John Delony?

  They would have been angry at their wives for not feeling well. They would have been frustrated at the cosmos, at God, because their kid has autism, and they would have been buried by all that.

• 45:51Dr. John Delony?

  And instead, you did what you needed to do,

• 45:55Dr. John Delony?

  and then you went and took care of yourself. You went and filled your pitcher up so that you can spend the rest of your day serving.

• 46:02Dr. John Delony?

  It's a good man.

• 46:07Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 46:11Dr. John Delony?

  You don't have to believe me, but I'm right. I'm right on this one, okay?

• 46:19Dr. John Delony?

  And you probably have spent your whole life that when somebody challenges you on your self-image, you immediately dump them into a bucket of, well, they're lying, or they're crazy, or they're dumb.

• 46:32Dr. John Delony?

  I'm a little bit crazy, but I'm not dumb, and I tell the truth. Okay?

• 46:40Dr. John Delony?

  Is there any chance you have a mirror around you right now?

• 46:45Speaker 03

  Um, a small one. I'm sitting in my car in the garage, so I got my rearview mirror.

• 46:50Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, I want you to tilt the rearview mirror down so you can look in it.

• 46:54Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 46:55Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to put your fist in the middle of your chest.

• 47:00Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to look in that mirror and say these words out loud. "I love this guy."

• 47:10Speaker 03

  "I love this guy."

• 47:14Dr. John Delony?

  Say it again.

• 47:20Speaker 03

  I love this guy.

• 47:21Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 47:24Dr. John Delony?

  My guess is you've never said those words out loud to yourself before, have you?

• 47:29Speaker 03

  I said the opposite.

• 47:30Dr. John Delony?

  That's right.

• 47:33Dr. John Delony?

  So you cannot do one thing about the stories you were told growing up, zero.

• 47:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 47:41Dr. John Delony?

  You can't do anything about the stories that were put into your body. The only thing you can do, those, those stories have a period at the end of their sentences. The only thing you can do is begin to write a new story. And you cannot build something new inside yourself based on hate.

• 48:06Dr. John Delony?

  Or to put it in the words of my buddy Sal DiStefano, if you go to the gym every day because you hate the way you look and you think you're gross, and this is what you get, you're always going to struggle up and down with disordered eating, with self-loathing, with shame and all that.

• 48:24Dr. John Delony?

  If you open your eyes and you say, "I get an hour today to go fill up my pitcher so I can spend the rest of the day serving this wife of mine and this kid of mine",

• 48:36Dr. John Delony?

  you're going to go to the gym for the rest of your life.

• 48:41Dr. John Delony?

  If you walk by the mirror and you look at yourself and you don't think you have abs enough or look right or whatever, and you say, "You're disgusting, you're gross", and then you go out and try to love your wife recklessly, try to give your son what you didn't get growing up, it's always going to be from a place of deficit.

• 49:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:02Dr. John Delony?

  Right? Here's, I want you to hear me say,

• 49:08Dr. John Delony?

  this is literally practice because you've never done it before.

• 49:15Dr. John Delony?

  My, my counselor, my therapist, she had me practice this in the mirror with my shirt off, with my fist in my chest, looking at myself, saying the words, "I love this guy." And it sounds narcissistic and it sounds self-serving, but what it did was I began to exhale and say, "I'm a good guy.

• 49:35Dr. John Delony?

  I'm not a bad man. My son didn't strike out when he got me as a dad. My wife didn't marry somebody, she, she would have been better off, she'd married somebody else."

• 49:47Dr. John Delony?

  Just the right guy for the people in my life.

• 49:52Dr. John Delony?

  And then I'm gonna ask myself, what are the things I need to go do today?

• 50:00Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 50:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:03Dr. John Delony?

  And you probably have some projects you probably should start thinking through before you start them.

• 50:10Dr. John Delony?

  Right? Fair. Me too. That doesn't make us bad men.

• 50:16Dr. John Delony?

  That makes, what does my wife call it? "Overly optimistic about time and ability." Right?

• 50:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:27Dr. John Delony?

  Sure, I'll get the house re-roofed in a weekend. I won't. So I'm gonna have to call somebody. You get what I'm saying?

• 50:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:37Dr. John Delony?

  So here's the thing, you can't fake it with your son.

• 50:42Dr. John Delony?

  Your son's gonna watch you.

• 50:46Dr. John Delony?

  Your son's gonna listen to you.

• 50:51Dr. John Delony?

  He's gonna absorb you. And that should terrify you a bit.

• 50:57Dr. John Delony?

  And hopefully that lights a fire under you. To not run from the man you are.

• 51:03Dr. John Delony?

  But from the inside out, believe, "I'm just the right man for this little boy at this time in this place."

• 51:13Dr. John Delony?

  And you wanna give him confidence, here's how we do it. Practice saying the words "I was wrong."

• 51:21Dr. John Delony?

  Bring him along to every possible thing you can. And with a kid with autism, depending on where he falls, that might be more difficult sometimes than others, right?

• 51:31Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 51:32Dr. John Delony?

  Take him to breakfast once a week. Keep showing up and keep showing up. Love his mother.

• 51:40Dr. John Delony?

  Exhaustively.

• 51:48Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying?

• 51:50Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 51:52Dr. John Delony?

  What do you do for a living?

• 51:55Speaker 03

  Uh, my wife and I run an online business.

• 51:59Dr. John Delony?

  How's it going?

• 52:02Speaker 03

  Um, it's going pretty good.

• 52:04Dr. John Delony?

  What does that mean?

• 52:07Speaker 03

  Um, we were, we were actually trying to, trying to sell it recently, but, um, the, some things fell through with it on the, on the buyer's end. And so we're just trying to, kind of get back into the swing of it and, yeah, but.

• 52:20Dr. John Delony?

  Is it ti- is it time to go get a new job?

• 52:24Speaker 03

  Um, no, I mean financially, we're, we're doing very well.

• 52:28Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 52:30Speaker 03

  It, um, that's not a concern right now.

• 52:33Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 52:37Dr. John Delony?

  I'm going to send you a copy of my book, Building a Non-Anxious Life also. Okay. I want you to read it cover to cover.

• 52:45Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 52:45Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. I'm also, I'm going to challenge you right when we get off the phone, I want you to get online and I want you to buy my buddy, Michael Easter's book, The Comfort Crisis.

• 52:57Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. And I'll link to it in the show notes also for anyone else. It's a, it's a, it's a masterpiece, but here's the challenge. You're not going to become self-confident by thinking your way into it. You're going to have to do a bunch of little bitty things that build up over time. Confidence is earned at, I mean, at the cellular level from the inside out.

• 53:22Dr. John Delony?

  So you need, you gotta fix something? I'll, I'll tell you this, the day I called somebody to come out and repair, um,

• 53:30Dr. John Delony?

  my, I have a big zero turn mower because I got acres and acres to mow. And it was going to cost a jillion dollars for someone to come out. So I just got frustrated, I hung up the phone and I got online on Amazon and I ordered all the parts myself.

• 53:45Dr. John Delony?

  And I can't fix anything. And I got my 14 year old out, maybe he was 15 at the time. And we got a YouTube video out and together it took us four hours to do it.

• 53:57Dr. John Delony?

  But when dude, when I turned that key and it sputtered to life,

• 54:03Dr. John Delony?

  watching him jump up and down and cheer and him seeing me yelling over the mower with my fist raised in the air, we did it.

• 54:12Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 54:12Dr. John Delony?

  Confidence.

• 54:16Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 54:17Dr. John Delony?

  Confidence. You get what I'm saying?

• 54:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 54:21Dr. John Delony?

  Little bitty things.

• 54:25Dr. John Delony?

  He'll tell that story at my funeral. He will not tell the fact that dad got number one books at my funeral.

• 54:32Dr. John Delony?

  He'll tell the story, we were trying to fix a mower together and my dad was a goofball.

• 54:42Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying?

• 54:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 54:45Dr. John Delony?

  But all that starts with my buddy Steven looking in the mirror with his fist in his chest saying, I love this guy. I'm worth being loved and I'm a good man.

• 54:56Dr. John Delony?

  And then I'm gonna go do, regardless of my feelings, I'm gonna go do the next right thing.

• 55:03Dr. John Delony?

  It's an honor to get to talk to you, brother. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back.

• 55:08Dr. John Delony?

  This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Summer is here and everything changes this time of year. The kids are out of school, routines go out the window, you're traveling more and you're probably sleeping less. And if you're not careful, you can end up running on fumes. If you don't slow down and take care of yourself, all that stress does not just disappear, it shows up in your body, in your work, in your attitude, in your relationships, in your patience. It shows up everywhere. And if you've recently been in therapy and seeking help, it's important to keep finding ways to get the help you need, especially when your routines are all blown up. And this is why I'm a big fan of BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that

• 55:50Dr. John Delony?

  matches you with a licensed therapist based on your goals and preferences. All of BetterHelp's therapists follow a strict code of conduct and you can message your therapist and schedule sessions right in the app. If it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. Keep getting the help you need. Go to betterhelp.com/deloney to get 10% off. That's BetterHelp, H E L P dot com slash Deloney.

• 56:17Dr. John Delony?

  All right, Kelly, am I the problem?

• 56:20Speaker 04

  All right, so this is from Matt in Racine, Wisconsin. And he asks, he says, "I started golfing with my son two years ago."

• 56:28Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, you're the problem. Stop golfing.

• 56:30Speaker 04

  That wasn't the question.

• 56:30Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 56:32Speaker 04

  "He is 16 and a sophomore and plays on the high school golf team now. He doesn't want me to come to any of his matches. I love going to my kids' sporting events, so this was really hard for me. I told him I would just come to one this year and he could pick which one. He assures me that it's not because of anything I do. I've asked if there's anything I could do differently, and he says no. He says it's just annoying when parents come. Am I the problem for not honoring his requests?"

• 56:56Dr. John Delony?

  Ooh.

• 57:01Dr. John Delony?

  Ah, that was tough.

• 57:06Dr. John Delony?

  I could tell you in my house, and again, my son's 16.

• 57:13Dr. John Delony?

  I would have set up a long time ago, "I'm coming." And so...

• 57:20Dr. John Delony?

  Ah, that's tough.

• 57:33Dr. John Delony?

  Here's the thing. I think there's something bigger going on.

• 57:36Speaker 04

  Me too.

• 57:40Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, there's something bigger going on, whether it's the coaching, whether it's the shame, whether like he's not as good as you, or you throw temper. I don't know what the thing is, but by and large, kids want their parents around when they know their parents are safe places to be around. And so, or safe people to be around. And so, I don't know why.

• 58:06Dr. John Delony?

  My gut tells me, I'm just saying, if it was me, I'm going. I'm going.

• 58:14Dr. John Delony?

  But I would want to get to the bottom of why your kid doesn't want you around. Um, and if your kid is looking at you saying it's annoying when parents are around, I want you to hear that as it's annoying when you're around and I want you to dig into what, what's going on. And placing the burden of what's going on on a 16 year old is a weight they can't carry. So it's you choosing to be reflective. Am I always complaining? Am I always coaching? Am I over coaching? Am I always nitpicking his swing? There's this or fix your hair or why? Am I that parent or is, am I really just totally supportive and great? And, um, I mean, I have such an opposite experience this morning. I, I went to my, my son and his team made the state meet as a sophomore. I was so proud of him.

• 58:57Dr. John Delony?

  I went to that meet. I was like a nerd in hog heaven because I, I love, love high school and college track meets with all my guts. And I like timing everybody. I like cheering them on. I'm such a nerd. My wife is like, you get two track times to tell me because she doesn't know any of them. And I'm obsessed with splits and times. And that was last week. And this week my son was like, dad, this year I want to get this time. And I'm like, you want to work with me over the summer? This morning he got up at six and we got after it this morning. So like, I have such an opposite experience. I don't even have a psychology for this. But if a kid, a teenager is saying, I don't want you around. That means something bigger is in the ecosystem. What do you think?

• 59:41Speaker 04

  Um,

• 59:42Dr. John Delony?

  This is so hard for me to even wrap my head around.

• 59:44Speaker 04

  I think I would either talk to the coach or ask some of the other parents like, do you go? Find out. I mean, is it something that like literally nobody else shows up and you're the only one? And then barring that, or yeah, you know, talk to the coach and hey, is there like, do you have, do you not want parents there? What's going on? And then if it's, if other parents are saying, no, I go up to everyone, then you know, you've got an issue.

• 1:00:07Dr. John Delony?

  Or, or maybe, yeah, and maybe coaches said, told the students, I don't want your parents here. They're driving me crazy. And maybe that's it.

• 1:00:13Speaker 04

  Yeah, that's why I would start with some of the other parents and the coach.

• 1:00:16Dr. John Delony?

  That's wise. That's wise. That's wise. I mean, I'm.

• 1:00:20Dr. John Delony?

  On my son's team, one of the coaches had a kid who was also on the team. And the kid is literally like US class, like an absolute incredible runner. And when he crossed the finish line and won by 1,000th of a second, state meet. I heard his coach, who's also his mom, she cheered and I smiled from here. I'm getting goosebumps again because that cheer was not a coach. That cheer was a mom and it was so awesome because we were all cheering. Anyway, most of the time if kids know they're loved and safe and they're rallied around, they want their parents there. And I'm going to always go to the mirror on that one, but I think you're wise, Kelly.

• 1:01:05Dr. John Delony?

  Check with the coach. If the coach has said, no, I don't want any parents here. And if that's the case, then I would honor that. That's a tough one, man. You stumped me, Kelly. Love you guys. Bye.