My Husband Doesn’t Prioritize Our Family

🔥 Microhabits for a Better Marriage. Download the Together app. On today’s episode, we hear about: A wife whose husband doesn’t prioritize their family A man wondering if his past will ruin his new relationship A woman grappling with her daughter’s boundary Next Steps: ❤️ Get away with your spouse today! 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Working knives for working people—Go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  He coaches a lot of baseball. He is pretty persistent that he's going to keep that same schedule even when our child arrives.

• 0:08Dr. John Delony?

  Does he get paid for this coaching?

• 0:10Speaker 00

  Um, he does. However, he keeps that money.

• 0:14Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so tell me more about that.

• 0:24Dr. John Delony?

  Woo, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show coming in hot. Hope you guys are doing great wherever you happen to be listening, whether you're here in the States, if you're somewhere across the oceans, we're glad you are with us talking about your mental and emotional health, your kids, your marriages, your relationships, whatever you've got going on in your life. I'd love to have you on the show. Click the link in the show notes and it will send you to the form and that form goes right to the magistrate, Ms. Kelly herself. Let's roll out to New Orleans, Louisiana, talk to Christina. What's up Christina?

• 1:03Speaker 00

  Hi, good morning.

• 1:05Dr. John Delony?

  Good morning. What's up?

• 1:06Speaker 00

  Just wanted a little advice about commitments and marriage as far as commitments of each spouse, over commitments and how to kind of prioritize different things.

• 1:22Dr. John Delony?

  All right, I'm just gonna take a wild guess. Are you married to a guy?

• 1:29Speaker 00

  Yes, I am.

• 1:31Dr. John Delony?

  What's he doing?

• 1:31Speaker 00

  Um, so he-

• 1:33Dr. John Delony?

  Not committing, right?

• 1:35Speaker 00

  No, he's, yes, he's committed to our marriage, yes, of course, but he is overcommitted in other areas of his life. Um, he coaches a lot of baseball, does lessons, a lot of things on the side. Um, we are expecting our first child in October, so I just want us to know how to navigate that because he is pretty-

• 2:05Speaker 00

  Persistent that he's gonna keep that same schedule even when our child arrives.

• 2:10Dr. John Delony?

  So, one of my favorite things I've discovered over the last few years is somebody says, hey, I want to work on my communication in my marriage. And what they're really saying is, how do I get my spouse to do what I want him to do? So, you're like, I just wanna get some tips on commitment in marriage. And really, it sounds like you want your husband to be plugged in with you and this new baby that's coming.

• 2:40Speaker 00

  Well, yes, absolutely.

• 2:41Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 2:43Speaker 00

  I know he loves doing this, so I still want him to be able to do it in some aspects. I just don't think he realizes how hard it's gonna be.

• 2:54Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So, I wanna reverse engineer this question, okay? And it's gonna sound accusatory, and it is not. I'm just going on a fact-finding mission, okay?

• 3:06Dr. John Delony?

  So, tell me about, like, take the coaching stuff off the table for a second.

• 3:15Dr. John Delony?

  Is your husband a good man?

• 3:17Speaker 00

  Yes, absolutely.

• 3:18Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Does he love you?

• 3:20Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 3:21Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 3:22Speaker 00

  100%.

• 3:22Dr. John Delony?

  Like, in a gross way?

• 3:24Speaker 00

  Uh, sometimes.

• 3:25Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, perfect. Okay, good, good, good.

• 3:30Dr. John Delony?

  Does he work full-time also, in addition to these coaching things? Okay, what does he do for a living? Give me a ballpark.

• 3:35Speaker 00

  Um, he works in sales.

• 3:37Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, excellent. Dude, that's, I have a hypothesis here, and that was a, that was a good data point along towards my hunch here.

• 3:49Dr. John Delony?

  Does he get paid for this coaching? Does he, like, work in side hustles to increase the, the finance, like, your family finances?

• 3:57Speaker 00

  Um, he does, however, he keeps that money.

• 4:03Speaker 00

  He, he gets paid for some of the baseball things, but he keeps that money.

• 4:08Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so, tell me more about that.

• 4:12Speaker 00

  Um, lessons, and then one school coaching job he has, they did pay him for that. So, he keeps that money. Some of it, he reinvests back into the coaching aspects.

• 4:30Speaker 00

  Like if he needs gloves, that's, um, uniforms, things like that.

• 4:35Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 4:37Dr. John Delony?

  Do y'all share a checking account?

• 4:39Speaker 00

  We do.

• 4:40Dr. John Delony?

  But he has his own separate side account?

• 4:43Speaker 00

  Um, no, he just, he basically gets paid, uh, via like Venmo cash app, things like that for these services.

• 4:52Dr. John Delony?

  And does all that dump into the one family checking account?

• 4:55Speaker 00

  No.

• 4:57Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so he doesn't technically have a separate checking account at a bank, but he just has a big surplus on his own Venmo, right?

• 5:06Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, um. So I want to start there.

• 5:11Dr. John Delony?

  With this sense that we have this joint world together. We have this secret world we've created. It's just me and him. We're kind of gross inside of it and it's awesome. And he has this other world that's just his.

• 5:27Dr. John Delony?

  And

• 5:30Dr. John Delony?

  be honest about, I'm not a part of that world and I'm uncomfortable with there being a separate, like, secret world that he has that's just his. You get what I'm saying?

• 5:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, I understand.

• 5:41Dr. John Delony?

  Um.

• 5:45Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me some ways you celebrate him on a regular basis. Like if he was on the phone with me and I said, hey, give me three or four ways that you know your wife stops the presses and tells you how grateful she is for you, how proud of you she is, how much she loves you. What would he say?

• 6:05Speaker 00

  I am good about sending him loving messages during the day.

• 6:09Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, I love it.

• 6:12Speaker 00

  I'll pick him up little things like if I am in the store, I'll grab him like a little sweet treat and bring it home for the day. Um. Be like, hey, I brought, like, yesterday I brought him home some chocolate.

• 6:26Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 6:27Speaker 00

  Um.

• 6:27Dr. John Delony?

  Do you like it when he picks up little treats for you?

• 6:30Speaker 00

  Absolutely.

• 6:31Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Have y'all ever had the conversation about what are some ways you feel loved?

• 6:39Speaker 00

  We have, but probably not practiced them.

• 6:44Dr. John Delony?

  Ah, okay. So I remember when my wife and I were deciding whether we're going to stay married or not. One of the, I'll call it a temper tantrum, but it wasn't that. It was just like a, like a lot of stuff that I'd buried so deep, kind of all came out. And one of the things I remember, not pounding the table in a dramatic fashion like Dwight giving his speech, but like, I remember like saying, like, I just want you to say you're proud of me.

• 7:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:11Dr. John Delony?

  And my wife was like, you know that I'm proud of you. Like, look at this home I keep up for all of us. And I'm also working part-time, like, and I said, I just want you to say it. And I felt humiliated saying that out loud. I felt embarrassed, like I would need that, right? But that was me being honest. And what I found is many times couples celebrate each other like they like to be celebrated. And it doesn't have the same effect that they think it does, right? And that may not be the case in your house, but I think that's worth a conversation. And here's where I'm getting at. You got a guy who works in sales that has a real-time daily scorecard about how he's doing or not doing.

• 7:57Dr. John Delony?

  More sales equals more money equals I'm winning, right? Coaching, like having a side business, athletes that go do well, like all those things come with, no pun intended, an actual scorecard. And for a husband, I hear this over and over and over across the country, and I've lived this.

• 8:19Dr. John Delony?

  People tend to lean towards where they're celebrated.

• 8:25Dr. John Delony?

  And if parents are saying, man, you have changed my son's life, or kids are suddenly throwing faster or getting more hits, and it feels like I'm winning over here, and then I come home and I don't feel like I'm winning here, so the best thing I'm gonna do for the family. I remember getting to a place personally where I thought the greatest gift I could give my wife and my young son was to not be around. And that was a complete, like, completely not true, but it was a story that I eventually made up in my own head about myself. Right? And so that may not be the case at all in your home. But I want you to be reflective on this. When my husband walks through the door, does he know he's winning here?

• 9:10Dr. John Delony?

  And does he know what an important role he plays here? Okay, the marriage y'all had is officially over. It doesn't exist anymore.

• 9:21Dr. John Delony?

  And you're gonna have a new marriage for about 10 months, and then you're gonna get a completely new marriage again. And so what I always recommend in these moments is when you find out you're pregnant, marriage as you knew it is over. Now you got a new marriage for a season, and then you're about to get a new marriage because you're about to have a kid. And everything y'all knew is different now. Having that conversation upfront, clearing the deck and saying, hey, we get to build what this new marriage looks like. What do you want it to look like? What do I want it to look like? How do we want our home to feel? Let's reverse engineer and build that thing together. Otherwise, if you don't start at the root, if you don't start the foundation of your

• 10:02Dr. John Delony?

  old marriage, what happens is it gets into what I call these proxy wars, which is you're never here. Well, you're always doing this, and all you want to do is this, and you're always, you see what I'm saying? And it becomes a game of whack a mole. And at the core, everybody starts to slowly drift further and further apart from each other. You become co-managers, right?

• 10:23Speaker 00

  And I feel like that part of that whack a mole going on now.

• 10:26Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 10:27Speaker 00

  He's never, never here.

• 10:29Dr. John Delony?

  Gotcha. And so what is, what does a conversation look like when you all, when you sit down and say, hey, I wish you were home more?

• 10:36Dr. John Delony?

  Or are you sure you're coaching again? Or he says, yeah, I've got, I've got two private lessons tonight, and he sees you go, ugh. Like, tell me about that, those interactions.

• 10:45Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's the exact interaction.

• 10:48Dr. John Delony?

  All right, tell me about it.

• 10:52Speaker 00

  I, he, he has tournaments on the weekends too. So most weekends, he is never home as well. So it's hard. I feel like I'm alone a lot. I can't plan anything. I'm just kind of by myself. I can, I go to things here and there, but I don't really exactly want to spend every day, all day on my weekends at the baseball field. I work some weekends also, so I'm not able to go. But the conversations usually don't go very well.

• 11:22Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 11:25Dr. John Delony?

  And my guess is you say you were gone last weekend and he said you were working and you're like, well, that's not what I meant. Actually, right?

• 11:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:33Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Have you ever started a conversation with, I miss you?

• 11:39Speaker 00

  Absolutely.

• 11:40Dr. John Delony?

  How does he respond to that?

• 11:43Speaker 00

  Um, he misses me too. And he never, he says he never wants to not come home to me. He's excited when he gets to come home to me. At least he's, you know, home, he's home now. Let's make the best of it. But by that point, I'm usually tired or frustrated or, you know, it's late.

• 12:00Dr. John Delony?

  Right. Gets home and he's like, alright sexy time. And you're like, nope.

• 12:05Speaker 00

  I'm like, it's 10 o'clock. I'm going to bed.

• 12:07Dr. John Delony?

  Which he feels like, oh, she doesn't even want me here. And then he gets a Venmo for $250 and then he gets a request for, hey, do you have room for another private lesson? He says yes. And the dance continues, right?

• 12:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, correct.

• 12:20Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So I'm going to give you a quick framework that I've adapted from Terry Reel and others. Okay. And this is what I've found to be not only the only path, but like a pretty sure path. It may not end how you want it to end, but it will put everything on the table. You ready?

• 12:37Speaker 00

  Okay, I'm ready.

• 12:38Dr. John Delony?

  All right. So we're going to set apart, set aside a half day.

• 12:44Dr. John Delony?

  Like a Saturday morning, a Sunday morning, skip church. I don't know if y'all go to church, but skip church, like whatever. But we're gonna, and maybe it's a, um, an evening, but we're gonna plan. Okay?

• 12:56Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 12:57Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to start with this conversation.

• 13:02Dr. John Delony?

  The last year, you've, I have seen you take on a lot of clients and you get really excited about baseball. However, you want to say that, but do it in the least accusatory way. All we're doing is stating facts. Okay?

• 13:15Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 13:16Dr. John Delony?

  And if, when you say, state facts, if he withdraws from you, preface the conversation with, I need to say some big things that are in my, in the middle of my chest, in my spirit, in my heart, and I need you to stay present with me. Most men will say, awesome, I'm here. Okay?

• 13:33Dr. John Delony?

  And then say, the story I'm making up is...

• 13:38Dr. John Delony?

  You would rather be playing baseball than hang out with me. The story I'm making up is these baseball players, these other families are more important than me in this new family that's growing inside my belly. And then after you say the stories you're making up, follow that with, "That makes me feel sad, that makes me feel lonely, that makes me feel all by myself."

• 14:03Dr. John Delony?

  And then the third, the fourth thing I want you to say is, "Here's what I want to be true."

• 14:10Dr. John Delony?

  And when you start with, "Here's the stories I'm making up", then what you're doing is you're inviting him to counteract that story, to confirm that story, but you're not starting with, "You're never here, you're always doing coaching, we never hang out, and when we do hang out, all you want to do is make out", like, you see what I'm saying? Those are ways you can push him away. Those are accusations, he's gonna wallop and defend himself versus, "Here's what I'm making up about what's going on in our home right now." And even go one step further, the story I'm making up is, "I'm gonna be stuck here with a newborn, all by myself, where you're out taking care of everybody else's kids in the community."

• 14:48Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 14:50Dr. John Delony?

  If you introduce it as, "I'm making these stories up, and here's how I feel about these things", if he's any type of man at all,

• 14:59Dr. John Delony?

  he'll lean forward and say, "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry."

• 15:05Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 15:05Dr. John Delony?

  Right? "That story's not true", or, "That story actually is true", and if it is true, then we gotta deal with it, right? We gotta put that on the table.

• 15:18Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 15:19Dr. John Delony?

  But it's a way to kind of stop doing all the proxy war stuff, and to put, "Here's what I'm feeling inside my spirit, right here, at the core, and these are stories I'm making up." And he might come back and say, "The story I'm making up is, I don't make enough money in my sales job, and you want a bunch of fancy stuff, and so I've gotta do all this extra work." Or, "The story I'm making up is, you don't celebrate me, you don't really want me here, and when I am here, you're too tired, or too this, or you just wanna watch TV, and I wanna go out and do some fun", like, so he's gonna make up stories, and he's gonna put those on the table back, right?

• 15:50Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 15:51Dr. John Delony?

  And all of those stories are gonna be hard to hear, but it's a way to get to the actual root of what's happening, especially when you say, "Here's what I would like to be different now."

• 16:06Dr. John Delony?

  Now, you went real quiet on me. Are you nervous to have that conversation? Or is it not gonna go well? Or tell me what you're feeling.

• 16:12Speaker 00

  No, I'm not nervous. I'm just taking it all in.

• 16:14Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 16:15Speaker 00

  It's very good advice and a great conversation that needs to happen.

• 16:19Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. I'm gonna give you one more thing. Okay? And this is an additional thing that I've learned over the years, sitting with countless couples. I want you to say, "If nothing changes, here's what I'm going to do next."

• 16:40Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 16:41Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? And that can be really scary to say out loud. The story I'm making up is, "I'm gonna have this newborn. You're gonna be gone every Saturday and every Sunday like you are right now. That makes me feel scared. That makes me feel alone. That makes me sad for our kid, because I think you're pretty amazing. I would like it if we all come first and baseball gets reduced dramatically in our home. But if you're gone every Saturday and Sunday, I'm gonna start planning trips with just me and the baby.

• 17:18Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 17:18Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna spend weekends with my parents, because I don't wanna be alone all the time. I'd rather be with you." But you and him sitting down saying, "We get to build whatever world we want. Our old marriage is over. We're gonna have a building regardless. And I don't want it to just be a lean-to kind of concoction of our old marriage and resentment and annoyances. Let's clear this whole foundation. And the pillars of this new thing are gonna be, do we see each other? Are we constantly getting to know each other? Do we celebrate the bloody hell out of each other? And we challenge each other when appropriate? Right? And do we do this every day?

• 18:03Dr. John Delony?

  Do we do it every week? Do we do it every month? And we do it once a year? We just redesign our whole marriage every year? What does that look like?

• 18:12Dr. John Delony?

  And my guess is both of y'all are gonna have some stories y'all have both made up about each other and about your marriage that are gonna be painful to hear. And that's part of getting to the next step, which is we are ride or die. We got a kid coming. This is our marriage. Let's rebuild the thing we want. We can build whatever marriage we want. And then we'll go get it. And it might mean he's gotta just take a season where he's not coaching. So be it. You're way more important than that. And your new kid is, and your marriage is way more important than somebody else's kid throwing the baseball real fast. And if you know it brings him joy and love, like dude, go do private coaching for a while. Like in the evenings when I'm just cashed out asleep, yeah, go do that.

• 18:55Dr. John Delony?

  It's like my wife, like dude, I go to bed at, she goes to bed at nine o'clock, John, go to the comedy club, tell jokes. I don't even think you're funny, right? But go do that stuff. That's part of negotiating and navigating, building an amazing marriage together. Thanks for the call, sister. We come back, a man asks how to share his past struggles with his new girlfriend without letting his shame define their future. I use Montana Knife Company knives all the time. I use them when I'm fishing, when I'm hunting, and then when I get home from all my outdoor adventures, my whole family uses Montana Knife Company knives in the kitchen for meals, for cooking. And here's a confession, as a Texan, this is a source of shame for me, but my wife destroys

• 19:40Dr. John Delony?

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• 20:23Dr. John Delony?

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• 20:38Dr. John Delony?

  All right, look, I went into a local corner store the other day just to buy a few things. And at the checkout in this local corner store, they wanted my address and my phone number and my email address. They might as well have wanted my fingerprints and my social security number too. I just wanted some paper plates and some cups and like a toothbrush and they wanted my soul. Listen, every time you give out your cell number, your email address, or you buy something online, data brokers are grabbing all of your information and they are selling it to the highest bidder. Companies are taking your personal information and they're selling it to the highest bidder, leaving you vulnerable to spam and scams. And this is a big part of why I use and recommend Delete Me. Your

• 21:22Dr. John Delony?

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• 22:06Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's grab a lager and sit by Harvard and go to Boston and talk to Matt Damon. What's up, Matt?

• 22:13Speaker 02

  What's going on, Dr. John?

• 22:15Dr. John Delony?

  How we doing, brother?

• 22:17Speaker 02

  Oh, way better than I ever imagined I could be.

• 22:19Dr. John Delony?

  Me too, man. Are you running a scam called a podcast too? It's the best.

• 22:24Speaker 02

  No, no, just got a successful career really young and doing really well.

• 22:28Dr. John Delony?

  That's awesome. I do not have a successful career. Kelly is driving us right to the bottom of the ocean, but it's still fun. Still fun. So what's up, man?

• 22:37Speaker 02

  Um, I guess, so I went through, I've had a tough life, I suppose, and I've made a lot of mistakes along the way.

• 22:45Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about it. Tell me about it.

• 22:49Speaker 02

  I guess the bullet points, I mean, growing up, I had a lot of dysfunctional family. Parents died when I was young, adopted by my grandparents who were dysfunctional, some abuse, and watched a lot of family just fall apart. And so I've never seen successful relationships really up close. And I guess on my path to success here, I was kind of doing it on my own and just figuring it out and succeeding in a lot of ways, but still struggling on the relationship front. Left home when I was like eighteen and went out on my own, which, which helped a lot. But I got into a good relationship when I was like twenty-one and it was good for a

• 23:33Speaker 02

  year and a half, but we ended up getting engaged and then moved in together. And I ended up sleeping with someone else when I was like blackout drunk. And I've changed everything since. It's been like a year and a half since that, that time. And like, it wasn't, it was just a, I, I did it, woke up, knew I had to tell her and, and confronted it head on and tried to fix everything, but she didn't want any, well, she acted like she did for, for like a year and dragged it on, but she wanted revenge and she got it. But, so now that's all behind me and I'm trying to move forward.

• 24:14Dr. John Delony?

  Are y'all still together or y'all broke up?

• 24:17Speaker 02

  We broke up.

• 24:18Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 24:19Speaker 02

  We were trying to fix it for like a year, like, so all that happened in like October of twenty-four. And then, um, August or September last year, I found out, I guess, the truth of everything she had been doing for that year while I was trying to fix everything. And she was just looking for revenge and she got it. So I'm trying to recover from that.

• 24:42Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 24:43Speaker 02

  And I ended up finding Jesus and committing myself to God and I, I haven't touched alcohol since October of twenty twenty-four.

• 24:49Dr. John Delony?

  Congratulations, man.

• 24:50Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 24:51Dr. John Delony?

  So bring me, bring me to today. How can I help you today?

• 24:55Speaker 02

  So today, um,

• 24:59Speaker 02

  I still have all that backstory and I guess baggage and I'm just, I've met a new girl. And we've only gone on a couple of dates. Um, but I guess just in general, how to face it going forward, whether she's the one or it's someone else. I don't know how to address all of that. I don't know if I have to tell her everything about, you know, how I cheated and whatnot, or I guess just how to, yeah, because I'm definitely terrified. So I've come to become a Christian. Jesus Christ has saved me. And I'm heavily involved in the church and everything. And she was a pastor's kid and she is amazing.

• 25:40Speaker 02

  Um, hasn't lived half the life I have. And I'm just terrified that if I share this stuff with her, she's not going to want anything to do with me.

• 25:50Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, if um, someone is unwilling or unable to love all that you are, then they're not the right person for you. And I don't think that you say, hi, my name is Matt and guess what I, what's the worst things I ever did? That's not how you meet people, right?

• 26:11Speaker 02

  Right.

• 26:11Dr. John Delony?

  But if you go on dates with somebody and y'all like each other and you start getting more close, like more intimate, and I'm not talking about sleeping together, I'm talking about like getting to know each other at a deep level, you can be honest about your past. And by the way, none, zero of your childhood is your fault. Zero.

• 26:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:37Dr. John Delony?

  None of the abuse you endured is your fault.

• 26:41Speaker 02

  Took me a while to figure that out.

• 26:42Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but that's not your baggage to carry.

• 26:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:46Dr. John Delony?

  And I know that's easy, I know that's easy to say, right? That's, that's not what healing is, right? But it's like-

• 26:52Speaker 02

  It's my responsibility to, to deal with it and move forward now.

• 26:54Dr. John Delony?

  That's right. It's your responsibility to set it down.

• 26:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:58Dr. John Delony?

  And when you were 21 years old, you did dumb things. You did things that violated your core values. You know who's done that? Everybody. Maybe not to the extent you did, but everybody has things about themselves that they look back at their 21, 22, 23 year old self and they're like, whoa. Or in my case, their 30 year old self, their 35 year old, like we all, like that's going to be the story of our lives.

• 27:27Dr. John Delony?

  Which is, everybody needs redemption all the time.

• 27:34Dr. John Delony?

  But what I don't want you to start doing now is to start thinking, "There's parts of me I have to hide," because you've been playing that shell game your whole freaking life.

• 27:49Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 27:50Speaker 02

  I'm usually pretty upfront about sharing stuff. A lot of the way I've overcome everything I've been through is just being upfront about that stuff and sharing myself as openly as possible so people can criticize it or, you know, adjust where I'm going.

• 28:11Dr. John Delony?

  Or, or, or, or, you put it all out there so that they'll leave before it gets too close and too hard.

• 28:21Speaker 02

  Yeah, that sounds more like it.

• 28:23Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. "I'm gonna dump every, all the trash on the table the first time I meet you or the second time I meet you, and you're gonna be caught off guard by the smell of that trash. You're gonna leave and I'll be like, 'See, they, they left.'"

• 28:37Dr. John Delony?

  You wanna push other people away, right? Before they have a chance to love you deeply. And, your parents passed away, those who came to take care of you abused you. Like, that, that, your, your strategy for survival makes perfect sense. And if you've listened to my show ever, you've heard me say this, but the things that kept you safe as a kid are gonna really negatively impact your adult relationships.

• 29:08Speaker 02

  Yeah. How do I, how do I balance, because I don't want this to come out like, a month or two down the line and she finds out and goes, "Oh, if I knew that, I never would've had anything to do with you."

• 29:23Dr. John Delony?

  That's the definition of anxiety, is predicting a potential future adverse outcome, dragging it into the present and trying to solve it now.

• 29:38Dr. John Delony?

  Because just as equally true is she finds the stuff about you and has gotten to know you, and she's blown away by the transformations you've made in your life.

• 29:54Dr. John Delony?

  Right? That's equally true.

• 29:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:57Dr. John Delony?

  And so if you have a sense in your spirit that I'm being deceitful,

• 30:05Dr. John Delony?

  then let her know, dude, I come from a really messy background and I've made some dumb mistakes in my young life.

• 30:15Dr. John Delony?

  And if you ever want to hear about them, I'm an open book.

• 30:23Speaker 02

  So what if, what if I share it all and she accepts me because I had?

• 30:29Dr. John Delony?

  That's your worst fear, brother.

• 30:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:34Dr. John Delony?

  What if she loves all of me?

• 30:40Dr. John Delony?

  My abusive past, my mistakes, my infidelity, my previous engagement?

• 30:49Dr. John Delony?

  What if she loves me anyway?

• 30:53Dr. John Delony?

  Because you know what she's doing then? She's calling your new faith bluff.

• 30:58Dr. John Delony?

  Do you really believe you're loved by the God of the universe? Really?

• 31:04Speaker 02

  Is that rhetorical or are you asking?

• 31:05Dr. John Delony?

  No, it's rhetorical.

• 31:08Dr. John Delony?

  But I'll ask you, do you really believe that?

• 31:11Speaker 02

  I do.

• 31:12Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 31:14Dr. John Delony?

  Then if you're a person of faith, you say you're a Christian, if you're a Christian and you want to, that's the hill you're going to die on from now until the rest of your life.

• 31:26Dr. John Delony?

  And you believe you're anchored in and loved there?

• 31:33Dr. John Delony?

  I'm not going to squash myself for any person.

• 31:37Dr. John Delony?

  Because I'm worth being loved all the way. She's not going to love the things you did. You don't love the things you did, but you love the man you're becoming.

• 31:50Speaker 02

  How do I?

• 31:51Dr. John Delony?

  How do I? Practice.

• 31:54Speaker 02

  Just practice?

• 31:54Dr. John Delony?

  Practice. You've never done this before. Cut yourself some slack and give yourself some grace. You've never seen a functioning adult relationship in your life.

• 32:06Dr. John Delony?

  More importantly, you've never felt what a safe, loving adult relationship feels like.

• 32:20Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 32:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, I had a glimpse of it and then I-

• 32:26Dr. John Delony?

  You didn't, you didn't, because the person that would seek a year-long revenge, you dodged her like the Matrix, brother.

• 32:38Dr. John Delony?

  Because, maybe you don't sleep around and you'll end up getting married,

• 32:44Dr. John Delony?

  and you're gone too long on a weekend fishing trip.

• 32:49Dr. John Delony?

  She's gonna get her revenge.

• 32:52Dr. John Delony?

  Right? You see what I'm saying?

• 32:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:56Dr. John Delony?

  That's a spirit within somebody.

• 33:01Dr. John Delony?

  Because in every relationship, people are gonna hurt each other. That's the nature of trying to take two strangers and create a new life together, a new world, that's just ours. Right? People hurt each other. And even if she had said, your original fiance had said, "I can't be with somebody who's gonna get blackout drunk and sleep with somebody else."

• 33:25Dr. John Delony?

  She could have shown up and treated you with dignity and respect in a moment when you don't feel you deserved it. She could have shown up and been the best version of herself in a really ugly situation. In a painful, ugly situation.

• 33:42Dr. John Delony?

  And instead, she chose to bleed you out for a year.

• 33:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 33:48Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 33:52Dr. John Delony?

  And so, own your part of that, but don't own the whole thing, because the whole thing's not yours to hold.

• 34:00Dr. John Delony?

  And what I'm hearing is, a 21-year-old man who screwed up in a major way, you've taken ownership of that,

• 34:08Dr. John Delony?

  and now we're gonna move on. I'm gonna set that down, I'm not that man anymore.

• 34:17Dr. John Delony?

  And I met somebody new and I like her. She's cool, she's funny, she's pretty, whatever you want to say.

• 34:24Dr. John Delony?

  And I am not going to do my best to push her away first, just in case she's going to push me away later.

• 34:33Dr. John Delony?

  I'm going to believe this new faith. I've, I, I, I say, I announce to the world that I believe in, that I'm worth being loved, all of me. I'm going to keep becoming the best version of myself.

• 34:49Dr. John Delony?

  And if you sit down and you tell her, hey, I've got a wild past and I'm a new man. And I'm really glad to be meeting with you, but I want you to know I'm an open book. If you ever have questions, I will answer them. Full 100% truth.

• 35:03Dr. John Delony?

  Then what you're saying is there's a door inside of me. If you want to go in there, I'll walk you through it. But you're not going to grab her by the arm and drag her through that door and show her a bunch of stuff she may not want to see.

• 35:15Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 35:16Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 35:17Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:18Dr. John Delony?

  And if she chooses to walk in that door and she looks around and says, I don't like what I see in here. That'll be heartbreaking, that'll be sad, but that'll be her choice that she made.

• 35:28Dr. John Delony?

  And so the more you tell yourself a story is this is so big, this is so much, it's so much, it's so much, the heavier you're going to make every interaction.

• 35:40Dr. John Delony?

  And instead of looking at this new person who lights you up, who's fun to be around, all that stuff. Is she the one? Is she the one? Is she the one? Man, you're putting so much existential pressure on yourself. It's unnecessary. Ask yourself this. Is she my friend?

• 35:56Dr. John Delony?

  Do I like seeing her? Do I like getting to know her?

• 36:00Dr. John Delony?

  Does she like getting to know me?

• 36:04Dr. John Delony?

  Because when it all comes down, man, the marriages that make it long term, they're just great friends.

• 36:15Speaker 02

  It's that simple, huh?

• 36:17Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, and that hard, right?

• 36:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 36:20Dr. John Delony?

  But yeah.

• 36:23Dr. John Delony?

  Are we great friends?

• 36:26Dr. John Delony?

  And sometimes, she's gonna have to look past all your hairs that you left in the sink, and you missing when you tried to pee in the middle of the night, and a pile of towels on the floor. She's gonna have to look past that and be like, "That's my friend. He's gross, but that's my friend." And then sometimes, you're gonna have to look past the mistakes you've made, her judgments about you, or whatever. I'm just making stuff up, but you're gonna have to look past that and be like, "She's my friend."

• 36:57Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying?

• 36:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, I appreciate making it an invitation to open the door. That advice, I think, will help a lot.

• 37:06Dr. John Delony?

  And listen, when you let that, when you open, I mean, when you offer that invitation,

• 37:13Dr. John Delony?

  this is gonna sound crazy, when you open that invitation, then move on. Don't just stand there at the door waiting for her to come in.

• 37:23Dr. John Delony?

  "Thanks for the call, brother." Dude, for whatever it's worth, man, I'm proud of the man you're becoming. I'm proud of 20-year-old you for surviving. I'm proud of 21-year-old you for making a huge mistake, and then waking up the next morning and taking full ownership of it. I'm proud of you for trying to navigate really gnarly waters the following year, trying to make love work, because you've got no picture of what love looks like. I'm proud of you for finding faith, giving yourself completely over to your faith, and I'm proud of you for having the courage to say, "I just met somebody new. I don't want to be as fully transparent as I can, but I'm not gonna weaponize transparency this time, because I'm worth being loved."

• 38:09Dr. John Delony?

  I'm proud of you, brother. Make the next right move.

• 38:15Dr. John Delony?

  When we come back, a woman asks how to support her daughter's boundaries without hurting her marriage. We'll be right back.

• 38:23Dr. John Delony?

  All right, I want to talk to you about a brand new partner on the Dr. John Deloney Show, Capstone Wellness. I've spent the vast majority of my career working with teenagers and young adults and their families. I know from personal experience that finding help and the right care for teenagers and young adults can be a nightmare. If you're a parent and your teenage or young adult son is age 14 to 28, and they're struggling with trauma, addiction, mental health challenges, or destructive behaviors, and you're running out of options, I want you to consider residential treatment care. Capstone Treatment Center is a residential treatment program for young men. In this live-in therapeutic setting, your son can fully step away from the chaos of the world for a few months, and they can step into a

• 39:07Dr. John Delony?

  structured environment with trained licensed clinicians who strictly follow a code of ethics. This is daily intensive work that has the power to transform lives. And listen, I know folks at Capstone, it is a Christ-centered company, but they care for all types of people in all walks of life with all sorts of value systems. If somebody close to me had a son who needed this level of help, or if my son needed this level of help, Capstone would be my first call. Residential treatment is a very serious investment in time, energy, and money, because the level of care here is completely different than anything you've seen before. Financial aid and other support is available. Go to capstonewellness.com/deloney

• 39:50Dr. John Delony?

  to learn more. That's capstonewellness.com/deloney.

• 39:57Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go out to New York City and talk to Ray. What's up, Ray?

• 40:02Speaker 00

  Hey, how are you, Dr. John?

• 40:04Dr. John Delony?

  I'm doing great. How about you?

• 40:06Speaker 00

  I'm doing okay. I'm doing all right. It's a little surreal talking to you.

• 40:09Dr. John Delony?

  It's surreal talking to you.

• 40:11Speaker 00

  I go to bed with you every night in my AirPods.

• 40:13Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, that's going to give you wild dreams, sister.

• 40:17Speaker 00

  It does. It does.

• 40:19Dr. John Delony?

  So what's up?

• 40:21Speaker 00

  All right, so, um, I know, like, every story is an onion, so I want to try to do this properly, but I'm on my second marriage. I have four older kids, and my husband, sadly, he lost his only son about seven years ago.

• 40:40Speaker 00

  So we've all been grieving that, obviously, and, you know, he's not the same person he was prior.

• 40:46Dr. John Delony?

  How long have you all been married?

• 40:49Speaker 00

  We're married six years, we're together about fourteen years, but my kids, you know, have grown up with him. My kids are now in their twenties. My oldest is in her thirties.

• 40:58Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 40:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, so, and everyone, you know, gets along, loves each other, but over the last few years, his drinking has gotten to be an issue.

• 41:09Speaker 00

  And, you know, I've tried to talk to him, tried to have conversations about him because he gets aggressive verbally with people, not physically, but more like, "Have another drink, have another drink," like he doesn't let up. So it becomes, you know, the goal of the night is to get everybody falling down.

• 41:29Speaker 00

  So recently, my daughter brought to me her concerns because they're having a destination wedding this weekend, and without even, you know, missing a beat, I said, "Well, then he shouldn't be there," because I feel like I've tried over the last few holidays, parties, gatherings, to reel him in and control it, and I can't. And I don't want her special day ruined. And now he's in a place of feeling obviously rejected and heartbroken, and I understand. But I'm kind of caught in the middle and questioning if we'll even survive this.

• 42:08Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Thank you for being honest and brave.

• 42:15Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 42:16Dr. John Delony?

  For real. Um, my goal on this call is to free you from feeling like you're in the middle, okay?

• 42:23Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 42:27Dr. John Delony?

  Because the way you just outlined the story for me, I don't see you in the middle at all, but I can a hundred percent understand how it feels like you're in the middle, okay?

• 42:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 42:37Dr. John Delony?

  You did a pretty extraordinary thing.

• 42:42Dr. John Delony?

  And what you did is you fell on a grenade on behalf of your daughter.

• 42:48Dr. John Delony?

  And that's noble and right and good. I'm proud of you for that.

• 42:52Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 42:53Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, and you did another thing, which is noble and good, is you waited through

• 43:00Dr. John Delony?

  14 years with an escalation over the last six years

• 43:07Dr. John Delony?

  of a problem that's become increasingly bigger problem.

• 43:12Dr. John Delony?

  It's attached to your husband's spirit and you waited in and you looked him in the eye and you said, here's how this is gonna go.

• 43:19Dr. John Delony?

  And that takes untold amounts of courage and I'm proud of you for that.

• 43:24Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 43:25Speaker 00

  I appreciate that. Thank you.

• 43:26Dr. John Delony?

  Now here's, I want to free you, okay?

• 43:30Dr. John Delony?

  It's not your responsibility and not only is it not your responsibility, you can't, okay? You can't carry his feelings and emotions right now.

• 43:42Dr. John Delony?

  Those are not yours to carry. Those are his.

• 43:45Dr. John Delony?

  You did the next right thing.

• 43:50Dr. John Delony?

  And he gets to feel however he wants to feel.

• 43:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 43:58Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? And so consciously reminding yourself, I can't carry his feelings and emotions. And you might have been carrying them for the better part of a decade and a half, but you can't carry them. They're not yours to carry.

• 44:11Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 44:13Dr. John Delony?

  And his

• 44:16Dr. John Delony?

  actions, this is one of the consequences.

• 44:21Speaker 00

  Right.

• 44:22Dr. John Delony?

  And so the consequences are his. And you're married to him, so they by proxy become yours, right? You're gonna have a hard choice to make, which is, am I gonna get on a plane without him? And fly down and support my daughter? My hope, my aunt, my hope, the answer is yes. And also, that decision might have a consequence because he might not be there when you get back.

• 44:41Speaker 00

  Right.

• 44:42Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 44:45Speaker 00

  Yeah, and one part of me, I'm so excited to go down with my kids and my fam- my whole family and celebrate, and I'm so excited for this time in her life, but then I'm heartbroken that I'm gonna be alone.

• 44:56Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. Both of those things are true.

• 44:59Speaker 00

  And he won't, he's gonna be missing it, yeah.

• 45:00Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. And, can I, I'm with you 100%, okay? I'm on your team. Can I say something hard?

• 45:07Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 45:08Dr. John Delony?

  Part of the consequence of you postponing this conversation for three, four, five, six years is that it all's happening right now.

• 45:18Speaker 00

  Right.

• 45:19Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so you've got a consequence here, because you've known this is a challenge for a while, and it's, I don't wanna, I don't wanna wade into it, I don't wanna wade into it, I don't wanna wade into it, and then your daughter made a call, and God bless you for saying, she made the right call, I'm standing up right now. That's awesome. But that delay, I think the old saying goes, conflict deferred is conflict amplified, right?

• 45:44Speaker 00

  Right.

• 45:45Dr. John Delony?

  And so here we are, like, what could've been an explosive conversation four years ago is now a bomb.

• 45:50Speaker 00

  Right.

• 45:51Dr. John Delony?

  Right? But here we are, and so, yeah, it's gonna be a both and. I'm gonna be so excited for my daughter, and, do you like this knucklehead she's marrying?

• 46:01Speaker 00

  I do, I love him.

• 46:03Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome, that's, that's so great, right? So I'm gonna go celebrate this, and I'm gonna go back to my hotel room, or my cabana room, or wherever y'all are doing this destination wedding, and I'm also gonna be really sad that I'm all by myself.

• 46:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 46:18Dr. John Delony?

  Both are true.

• 46:20Speaker 00

  Right.

• 46:21Dr. John Delony?

  And if you try to make one more true than the other, you're gonna kill a part of your spirit doing that.

• 46:26Speaker 00

  Yeah. That's what prompted this reach out.

• 46:30Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 46:31Speaker 00

  I was, yeah. Um, yeah.

• 46:35Dr. John Delony?

  Is, in your husband's, um, shame, and in his heartbreak, and in his sadness, has this been a wake-up call for him? I need to go get help? Or has it driven him further to the bottom of a bottle?

• 46:47Speaker 00

  I was hoping that it was me.

• 46:48Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 46:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, I was hoping, because I told him about six weeks ago, and I was really hoping he'd come down, because we don't live together right now.

• 46:56Dr. John Delony?

  How come?

• 46:57Speaker 00

  I moved in with my daughter and her hu- and her fiance about six months ago.

• 47:04Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about that.

• 47:07Speaker 00

  It had been a couple of years of just like financial things happening and like you say, nothing happens in a vacuum, you know, this disconnection, lack of responsibility, and just always looking for the next excuse to party. And I hated being away from my kids. We moved about three hours away from my kids and I missed being with them. So they invited me to move back and, um, and we still see each other. We still are, you know, love each other, but I've been trying to focus on rebuilding myself. And I have had a lot of hard conversations with him about how I can't do this anymore

• 47:52Speaker 00

  and I'm not happy the way things are. I've even asked, sent some links for the BetterHelp app and, and he hasn't done any of them.

• 48:04Dr. John Delony?

  So is there a reality here as this, as your daughter's wedding and the, um, like, has, has this been like the, the event that pulls the curtain back that your marriage as you knew it is over?

• 48:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think so.

• 48:18Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So let's live in that reality.

• 48:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, right.

• 48:25Speaker 00

  And I was really hoping he would take this as a, his wake up to, I can't miss it and I'll do whatever, but the truth is, it, it's not what's important to him right now.

• 48:37Dr. John Delony?

  Well, it wasn't important when you moved out six months ago.

• 48:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's true.

• 48:42Dr. John Delony?

  And it wasn't important a year ago when you said, hey, I'm not doing well.

• 48:46Speaker 00

  Right.

• 48:46Dr. John Delony?

  And by the way, this isn't about you feeling happy. I'm not happy in this relationship. You're not safe in that relationship.

• 48:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 48:55Dr. John Delony?

  You're financially very insecure in that relationship.

• 48:58Speaker 00

  Right.

• 48:58Dr. John Delony?

  You're isolated and lonely in that relation, right? You get what I'm saying?

• 49:01Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 49:04Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 49:06Dr. John Delony?

  And so for you, it sounds like there's some soul searching that has to happen, which is the marriage we had is over and it's been over for a long time.

• 49:18Dr. John Delony?

  And if you go back and you're honest, it was actually like, there was a period at the end of the sentence of your marriage when you moved out.

• 49:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 49:27Dr. John Delony?

  And now the question is, can y'all sit across the table from each other and say, are we gonna, are we gonna rebuild something? And if we are, here's what must be true. And him be enough of a grown up, which is tough when you're struggling with something, when you're dealing, talking to somebody who's in the throes of an addiction. It's impossible, there is no connection when you're talking to someone who's in addiction. There's just communication, right?

• 49:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 49:50Dr. John Delony?

  But here's what must be true. And BetterHelp is, he needs inpatient therapy right now.

• 49:59Dr. John Delony?

  He needs inpatient treatment, not even inpatient therapy. That's gonna be part of it, but.

• 50:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 50:04Dr. John Delony?

  And he gets to make that choice.

• 50:12Speaker 00

  And I have to let him.

• 50:14Dr. John Delony?

  You have to say, here's what I'm going to do next. And you've done that along the way, but it sounds like this curtain was revealed and the emperor didn't have any clothes on. The marriage was exposed for what it is.

• 50:25Speaker 00

  Right.

• 50:25Dr. John Delony?

  Over.

• 50:28Dr. John Delony?

  And the question is, are you gonna formalize its overness? Right, that's, I know that's not a word, but I'm gonna formalize the separation.

• 50:36Dr. John Delony?

  And you're gonna have to go through the shame and the guilt of, I don't wanna get divorced again. I remember all that, like, all that mess. Or are we gonna sit down across from each other like adults and say? Not that, not that formalizing a separation is not like adults also, but we're gonna sit across from each other and you're gonna say, here's what must be true. I'm gonna stop hoping that you're just gonna quote unquote, get the message. If you wanna rebuild our marriage from the ground up, it's gonna start with a 60-day inpatient treatment program. Or maybe you're done, maybe you're just done and you need to be honest with him about that.

• 51:14Dr. John Delony?

  And then you need to be about finding an apartment, wherever you live, next to your kids or, you know, I mean, like, go, going about, this is gonna be the rest of my life.

• 51:28Dr. John Delony?

  And I can't.

• 51:28Speaker 00

  Everyone misses him from, I feel like we all have that, the memories of him prior to.

• 51:35Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, of course, yeah.

• 51:36Speaker 00

  You know, and we're like, we miss that guy.

• 51:38Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 51:39Speaker 00

  Because that guy, you know, showed up for us and loved us, and my kids were younger when they met him. I've been waiting for that guy to show back up.

• 51:47Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 51:50Dr. John Delony?

  And one thing is universal, there's very much a before and after, after somebody loses a child.

• 51:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 52:00Dr. John Delony?

  Very much.

• 52:05Speaker 00

  And I don't even try to pretend to understand.

• 52:07Dr. John Delony?

  Sure. But you were there too, I mean, you were there too, you were eight, you had a relationship for eight years with this young kid.

• 52:13Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

• 52:15Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I mean?

• 52:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, it was devastating, yeah.

• 52:25Dr. John Delony?

  But I can't make the call for you, your daughter can't make, nobody around you can make the call for you, and it's right and good to really grieve who your husband used to be.

• 52:37Dr. John Delony?

  And it's right and good to grieve the loss of his son. And it's also right and good to say,

• 52:46Dr. John Delony?

  you're not well, and I'm not safe in this relationship anymore. All those things can be true.

• 52:56Dr. John Delony?

  Right? That's just choosing reality there.

• 52:58Speaker 00

  Right, right.

• 53:00Dr. John Delony?

  Reality's the worst, most of the time, most of the time, not most of the time, often, it's the worst.

• 53:08Dr. John Delony?

  So I'll tell you, man, you've made some bold, brave moves, and I want to honor your vulnerability in calling and in choosing the next right step for you. But now you're at a precipice, and I think you got to make a bigger call, and maybe you make the call after the wedding. Maybe you make the call, or you write down some things that must be true, and you hand them to him, and you give him a roadmap and say, I'm gonna go on this trip, when I come back, if you want to rebuild our marriage here, so it must be true, or if you're just done, give him the honor and dignity of saying, I'm putting a period at the end of this sentence, and I'm gonna file.

• 53:47Dr. John Delony?

  But show up as the person you want to most be. And that's the person who tells the truth. That's the person who makes the next right hard call. And that's the person who treats everybody with dignity and respect, regardless of whether the world thinks they quote unquote deserve it or not.

• 54:05Dr. John Delony?

  So I'm proud of you for keeping yourself safe. I'm proud of you for picking the next right thing. I'm proud of you for having hard conversations. And I'm proud of you for making the tough, tough calls that are right here in front of you moving forward.

• 54:18Dr. John Delony?

  You call anytime, Ray, and I'll have you on. And if he wants to call, I'll be happy to talk to him as well.

• 54:24Dr. John Delony?

  Thanks for the call. I'm really grateful for you. We'll be right back.

• 54:29Dr. John Delony?

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• 55:12Dr. John Delony?

  It meets you where you are, and it helps you anchor your faith into a practice with daily reflections, scripture, music, special series, most importantly, peace. You can try Hallow for free for 90 days at hallow.com/deloney. That's hallow.com/deloney for three months for free.

• 55:32Dr. John Delony?

  All right, Kelly, something cool happened. What is it?

• 55:35Speaker 03

  Yes, I really like this one, and I think you will too. This is from Rachel in one of your favorite cities in the world.

• 55:42Dr. John Delony?

  Des Moines?

• 55:42Speaker 03

  No, San Antonio. I was being legit, like one of your favorite cities.

• 55:46Dr. John Delony?

  I can't tell if you're telling the truth or not.

• 55:49Speaker 03

  And she writes, "So I just wanted to say that I am married to a mechanic from Arkansas. You've often talked about asking your wife for a syllabus, or asking your spouse for a syllabus. We aren't nerds, no offense, so instead I asked him to make me a mixtape."

• 56:06Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, gosh.

• 56:09Speaker 03

  Isn't this amazing? He made her a mixtape that describes who he is and where he is in his life. She said, "By the second song, I was in tears. You've changed our life so much. We aren't great with the words, but I'm so grateful for all that you do."

• 56:24Dr. John Delony?

  That's what's up.

• 56:25Speaker 03

  That is so cool. I love everything about that. Can you imagine how cool that would be to sit down? He made her a whole Spotify playlist, and just to sit down and be like, "Who am I right now? What describes me?" I mean, what a cool idea.

• 56:38Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, it's the best. We gotta... Spotify playlists are fine. We gotta bring back the mixtape, because that took a lot of effort.

• 56:48Speaker 03

  I mean, what would take more effort now would be actually finding a tape player.

• 56:54Dr. John Delony?

  That's what I mean. If somebody rolls up on it with a, like a live mixtape, marry them immediately, or like, just forgive whatever nonsense they've done. If you've been a terrible person, mixtape.

• 57:09Speaker 03

  Don't you remember sitting in front of it, ready to hold, you know, to press play and record at the same time?

• 57:15Dr. John Delony?

  At the same time, yes.

• 57:16Speaker 03

  And then hoping you missed the DJ talking over your song.

• 57:19Dr. John Delony?

  Oh my gosh, yeah. And then like having to like, you get all the songs, but you gotta put them in the right order. So you gotta go back and dub over. So good.

• 57:26Speaker 03

  And then writing on the tape all the songs.

• 57:28Dr. John Delony?

  Last night I was thinking of this. I had a, there was a girl in 7th grade that I thought was cute in the lunchroom. And I had a buddy who worked in the school office, like as a teacher's aide or something. I asked him to go through the card catalog. And if you don't know what that is, if you're young, they used to print off parts of the internet and just put it in a box called a card catalog and get her information. He got me her number. At lunch, I mouthed across the cafeteria when we made eye contact and I mouthed her at like the her, her phone number. And I did like the numbers with my hands, like two, eight, one, right?

• 58:11Dr. John Delony?

  Cause we were in Houston. She was like, I'm in. It was awesome. If I did that same thing now, jail, instant jail.

• 58:22Speaker 03

  Oh yeah. Like if, if my son or if your son did that at school, we would get a call.

• 58:26Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, that your kid is now in prison.

• 58:28Speaker 03

  For stalking or whatever. And they would be suspended.

• 58:31Dr. John Delony?

  Yes. Yes.

• 58:33Speaker 03

  I mean, for goodness sakes, when my kid was in the fifth, was in kindergarten, he got suspended for two days for playing finger guns, pew pew, in the, in the playground with another kid as a five-year-old. So that would totally get you in trouble.

• 58:49Dr. John Delony?

  I used to, I used to leave class early to make it across campus because I knew my wife was gonna, that she was my girlfriend at the time, would be walking from one of her classes to another class just to see her and be like, hey, what's up? And she'd be like, oh, hey. And then I'd keep walking, stalking. I would be in jail. I'd be in jail.

• 59:10Speaker 03

  I mean, the fact that the police's "Every Breath You Take" was such a huge song. That song is creepy as hell.

• 59:15Dr. John Delony?

  That is Dirty Bird.

• 59:17Speaker 03

  That song is so stalky, but at the time, we didn't think that.

• 59:20Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, he's watching every move I make.

• 59:23Speaker 03

  Every breath I take. How romantic. We thought it was romantic.

• 59:28Dr. John Delony?

  Now it's like, hey, don't talk to me, just, just.

• 59:30Speaker 03

  Like text me or DM me.

• 59:32Dr. John Delony?

  Shoot me a snap.

• 59:33Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 59:33Dr. John Delony?

  The kids use snap anymore. That's probably an old person thing now.

• 59:36Speaker 03

  Uh, not as much. They're still DM. But more importantly, Rachel.

• 59:41Dr. John Delony?

  Mixtape.

• 59:42Speaker 03

  Rachel.

• 59:43Dr. John Delony?

  Mixtape.

• 59:44Speaker 03

  This is amazing. She's my hero.

• 59:46Dr. John Delony?

  And her husband's my hero. I'm just thinking of an awesome mechanic in Arkansas and he's like, what's a syllabus? I know. I'm gonna make a playlist. Yes, yes, and yes, and yes. We need to bring back that OG romance.

• 1:00:01Dr. John Delony?

  Minus the stalky stuff.

• 1:00:04Dr. John Delony?

  If somebody looks at you and says, "I'm watching every breath you take." For real, run. For real, run.

• 1:00:09Speaker 03

  After you call the cops.

• 1:00:10Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, call the cops and run. But if they hand you a mixtape, oh yeah.