My Husband Doesn’t Make Enough Money

🔥 ⁠Microhabits for a better marriage. Download the Together app. On today’s episode, we hear about: A wife whose husband isn’t pulling his weight financially A man feeling like a failure after bankruptcy A couple wondering if their dark humor will traumatize their kids Next Steps: ❤️ Get away with your spouse today! 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  The story that I have is that he doesn't have the confidence to go out and do better for himself.

• 0:06Dr. John Delony?

  But he's doing just fine for himself. He likes his life. You don't like that he doesn't, he's not going out to give you the life you want.

• 0:13Speaker 00

  Well, and not just that I want, but the life we agreed that we wanted together.

• 0:23Dr. John Delony?

  What up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show coming to you live from Nashville, Tennessee. Real calls from real human beings going through it, wherever they happen to find themselves, with their mental and emotional health, their relationships, their marriages, whatever you've got going on. That's what this show's about. I'm gonna pull up a seat and we're gonna figure out what's the next right move. If you want to be on the show, click the link in the show notes and it will send you to the form. You fill it out and go to Kelly and she will decide whether you get on or not. Yeah, I'd love to have you on the show, so click the link in the show notes. Let's go out to Lexington, Kentucky and talk to Jody. Hey, Jody, what's up?

• 1:03Speaker 00

  Hi, Dr. John.

• 1:05Dr. John Delony?

  How are you?

• 1:06Speaker 00

  I'm well. How are you?

• 1:08Dr. John Delony?

  I'm doing great. What's going on?

• 1:10Speaker 00

  Uh, well, thanks for taking my call. It's an honor to talk to you.

• 1:14Dr. John Delony?

  You too.

• 1:15Speaker 00

  Thanks. Um, I'm calling because I, I just kind of wanted your input, um, to see how I deal with, um, some resentment that I have toward my husband, um, as the breadwinner, or I guess sort of higher income earner in our family. Um, and that's not really the place where I wanted to be. Um, so just kind of wanted to get your, your thoughts because it kind of keeps, I think I'm past it and then it creeps up again. And this resentment's kind of an undercurrent for me.

• 1:48Dr. John Delony?

  So let's move the breadwinner status to the side. Where are, or where have you? Uh, do, do an exercise with me. So close your eyes.

• 2:03Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 2:04Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. And I want you to imagine your husband standing in front of you, about 10 or 15 feet away.

• 2:11Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 2:12Dr. John Delony?

  Did you ever see Stranger Things?

• 2:14Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 2:15Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. I want you to imagine he's in that black water.

• 2:18Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 2:19Dr. John Delony?

  And he's just standing there. What about that man that's standing in front of you do you no longer respect?

• 2:32Speaker 00

  Um.

• 2:37Speaker 00

  Gosh, that's a good question and how to put it into words.

• 2:40Dr. John Delony?

  Just, just don't try to, don't try to sanitize it or censor yourself. Just start vomiting it out. What about that guy do you no longer respect?

• 2:49Speaker 00

  Not being the provider that, um, you know, I needed or desired, I guess.

• 2:57Dr. John Delony?

  Underneath that, underneath that.

• 3:00Speaker 00

  Um, oh gosh, um, I guess just not having the confidence to do better for himself and for our family.

• 3:10Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, keep going.

• 3:12Speaker 00

  Um, not being the leader that I would like to have in a husband.

• 3:20Dr. John Delony?

  What is, give me a definition of leader.

• 3:22Speaker 00

  Um, you know.

• 3:23Dr. John Delony?

  I hear that a lot from women and if, and it's often a moving finish line. What does a leader mean to you?

• 3:31Speaker 00

  The person that you can depend on to take care of things, you know, like, I guess that's basically what it is.

• 3:40Dr. John Delony?

  Where is he not dependable?

• 3:44Speaker 00

  Um.

• 3:48Speaker 00

  Well, I got, you know, the biggest part of it for me is just not being the one to earn enough so that I can stay home with our, you know, kids. That's kind of what I always wanted and we had talked about before we got married. Um, and then it just kind of never happened.

• 4:12Dr. John Delony?

  Is he not earning enough for you to stay at home with the kids because he's lazy?

• 4:19Speaker 00

  No, no, I think it's.

• 4:22Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so hold on, don't, don't start answering it. I'm, I'm trying to pull it apart, okay? And I know it's kind of uncomfortable.

• 4:27Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 4:28Dr. John Delony?

  I don't want you to protect him and I don't want you to protect yourself right now. I just want you to answer first, first blush, okay?

• 4:34Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 4:35Dr. John Delony?

  Is he not making enough because he's not capable of it?

• 4:39Speaker 00

  No.

• 4:41Dr. John Delony?

  Why, what story have you made up as to why he's not making enough money for you to stay home?

• 4:49Speaker 00

  Um.

• 4:53Speaker 00

  I think the story that I have is that he doesn't have the confidence to go out and do better for himself.

• 5:02Dr. John Delony?

  But he's doing just fine for himself. He likes his life.

• 5:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:07Dr. John Delony?

  He doesn't like that his wife doesn't like him. So go beneath that. You don't like that he doesn't, he's not going out to give you the life you want.

• 5:18Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 5:20Dr. John Delony?

  And what story do you make up about him? That he won't go out and give you the life that you want?

• 5:27Speaker 00

  Right. Well, and not just that I want, but I feel like the life we agreed that we wanted together.

• 5:36Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so one of the reasons you've lost respect is he didn't, he's not keeping his word.

• 5:41Speaker 00

  Right.

• 5:41Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 5:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:44Dr. John Delony?

  And you see how? A conversation about he's not making enough money, so I'm, I'm out here having to pay the bills.

• 5:52Dr. John Delony?

  That can become a really significant proxy war too. I don't respect you because you're not dependable and you didn't tell me the truth.

• 6:01Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 6:02Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And those are the real issues here.

• 6:08Speaker 00

  Yeah. Um, I mean, he started as the higher income earner and, um, but then it sort of flip flopped.

• 6:20Speaker 00

  You know? So. Um. I felt like I had to, I had to earn more.

• 6:28Dr. John Delony?

  How come? Why?

• 6:31Speaker 00

  Because, you know, we had, we had bills and things to pay and, um, um, he lost his job a few years ago and when he got a new one, it was a significant pay cut. Um. And so then at the time I thought, well, you know, there were, there was a promotion available at work and I applied for it and, and got it and, you know? I don't necessarily love what I do and I think that's probably part of it too, is I don't love my job. And, but I feel like I have to, um, to, I had to sort of earn more so that we could,

• 7:14Speaker 00

  you know, pay the bills and, um, since he.

• 7:19Speaker 00

  Took that pay cut.

• 7:21Dr. John Delony?

  Is this job that you have to keep the roof over your head and keep the lights on? Or is it to keep your vacations and your new cars?

• 7:33Speaker 00

  We don't have new cars. I mean, we're, we're pretty close to being out of debt, actually. Um, and no, I, you know, um, we could probably do better about budgeting, but it's not, I mean, I'm not, I don't have a big fancy life or anything that I'm trying to keep up.

• 7:51Speaker 00

  So.

• 7:52Dr. John Delony?

  So, and again, it's gonna sound like I'm coming at you. I'm not. I'm, I'm trying to peel this thing apart.

• 7:57Speaker 00

  Okay. Okay. Yeah, no, that's what I want.

• 7:59Dr. John Delony?

  When I hear a man who has quote unquote, "lost confidence," so especially a married man, losing your job is like, um, especially for a guy, for anybody, but for a guy, um, the body registers that as a death.

• 8:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:16Dr. John Delony?

  It's a psychological trauma. Okay?

• 8:18Speaker 00

  And it definitely did for him. I mean, I saw it. Yeah.

• 8:23Dr. John Delony?

  Where in your relationship with him has he seen you instill confidence into him?

• 8:35Speaker 00

  Well, and I, you know, we've, we've done marriage counseling and I know that I, I can be very critical and I can, um, certainly have high expectations. And so I've, I've tried to be more encouraging, um, you know, and thank him for things that he does. And I guess, you know, part of it too is I, I, I love him and I don't, you know, I, I want to respect him more and I, and I want to help him

• 9:06Speaker 00

  be more confident. Um, but other than just telling you, I, you know, I believe in you, I don't know, you know, how to help him with that. Um.

• 9:16Dr. John Delony?

  It, it's, it's often not in the big things.

• 9:21Dr. John Delony?

  It's often in the minute by minute, day by day things.

• 9:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:26Dr. John Delony?

  And I know men have a reputation for being obtuse and for being aloof and not paying attention, but every man I know knows when their wife doesn't like them.

• 9:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:41Dr. John Delony?

  And every man I know knows when his wife's disappointed in the life they have.

• 9:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:47Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 9:49Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 9:52Dr. John Delony?

  And so.

• 9:52Speaker 00

  And I think, yeah, I think that's part of it, but I don't know how to do better, how to fix me, I guess.

• 9:59Dr. John Delony?

  Well, it's, I don't know that you need to go back to, I don't know that you're broken. I don't know that you're like a car engine that needs to go to the shop to get fixed.

• 10:08Speaker 00

  I might be.

• 10:08Dr. John Delony?

  But, no, I don't think so, but I pervasive, I hear men say this one line, "I live in a failure factory."

• 10:18Speaker 00

  Mm hmm. Yeah. And I know he kind of feels like that, you know, he said, "I just can't do anything right." And so I, I, I've tried to get away from, you know, voicing, like I said, I mean, just in general, I can be a critical person. And so I've tried to kind of work on that, um, you know, but, and he'll say, "Well, I would like to, you know, I want to get a new job," or, "I, you know, I plan to get a new job by this time," and then that time comes and no new job, you know, so I don't know how to, I don't know how to help, you know, but then at the same time, not feel this resentment that keeps kind of creeping up. I'll think I'm kind of past it and then it pops up again.

• 11:03Dr. John Delony?

  So, the definition of resentment that I live by is the perceived or reality, the perceived or true sense that there is no more hope.

• 11:22Dr. John Delony?

  Are you out of hope here?

• 11:24Speaker 00

  No, no, I wouldn't say no.

• 11:27Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 11:31Dr. John Delony?

  Have y'all had what I call, and if you listen to the show for two episodes or more, I bring it up and because I'm constantly beating this drum, but a what I would call a swipe the deck conversation? And not ask the question, when do I get to stay home? Or I wanted this life because he might be saying, I like what I do. Where does he work right now?

• 11:52Speaker 00

  Um, he works for like a specialty food brand, uh, doing like supervising people. And I, I think he likes it fine. I don't think he loves it, you know, when he, he talks about wanting a different, um, position.

• 12:08Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 12:08Speaker 00

  But I think it was definitely kind of a sigh of relief from what he was doing, you know, before.

• 12:13Dr. John Delony?

  Sure.

• 12:14Speaker 00

  So.

• 12:15Dr. John Delony?

  And if you've probably heard me say this, but

• 12:20Dr. John Delony?

  if a spouse isn't their spouse's biggest cheerleader, they will naturally go towards the place where they are, or somebody is.

• 12:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:27Dr. John Delony?

  And if going to this work that you think is beneath him, that doesn't pay him enough. But if that's supervising these folks, if they appreciate his leadership and the business is doing fine,

• 12:39Dr. John Delony?

  that will become his safe place.

• 12:44Dr. John Delony?

  And what I really want couples to invest in is this idea of creating a secret world that they live inside. They build it, they maintain it, they rebuild it. But it's their secret world where they are each other's biggest cheerleaders. And from that anchor point, people can go do anything.

• 13:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, no, that would be awesome.

• 13:05Dr. John Delony?

  But that means getting what I call a swipe the table conversation. Clean everything off, all the junk about you don't make enough money and I want to be doing this and you don't ever, all that crap off the table and starting over with, hey, in five years, we're going to have this exact same life, just with less because of inflation. What kind of world do we want to build together?

• 13:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:28Dr. John Delony?

  And what do we want our secret world to look like? And if you go first, if you know reflectively not being a martyr and not telling dishonest truth, like dishonest, dishonest truth, that's not a thing, not lying, but saying, I'm too critical and I'm sorry. I recognize I've put you in a position where you can never win.

• 13:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:50Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm sorry. Like you going first.

• 13:55Dr. John Delony?

  And then saying, what kind of world do we want to create together? And more importantly, how do we want this house to feel?

• 14:01Speaker 00

  Mm hmm.

• 14:02Dr. John Delony?

  And then you start reverse engineering that. Okay, then we need this many dollars to make this come true.

• 14:10Dr. John Delony?

  Are there any jobs in this, where we live that pay this many dollars?

• 14:16Dr. John Delony?

  Right? It makes it really practical, but most people come from the proxy word and try to get to meaning and you can't because you get stuck at all these, all these external things. But you clearing the deck, y'all, both y'all together and saying, we get, we are the authors of our marriage. We get to decide what this thing looks like, feels like, and it's ours. What do we want this thing to feel like? And if you honestly, part of that conversation, it's not all roses and, and, you know, perfume, like you have to be able to say,

• 14:48Dr. John Delony?

  we made a deal.

• 14:53Dr. John Delony?

  And you're not living up to the deal that you, the promise that you made. If you've changed your mind, then speak freely here.

• 15:00Speaker 00

  Mm hmm.

• 15:03Dr. John Delony?

  But the agreement you and I made was when we started having kids, I was gonna stay at home. And that's still a value of mine. Is that not a value of yours?

• 15:11Dr. John Delony?

  So what do you want your life to look like? Paint me a picture of what, if you could snap your fingers, you walk, you walk in the front door or you're staying at home, so he walks in the front door. How do you want that house to feel? Paint me a picture of that.

• 15:27Speaker 00

  Um, you know, I mean, have our kids playing and, um, you know, a home-cooked meal and just joy and laughter. Um,

• 15:42Speaker 00

  yeah, I mean, pretty simple, nothing, nothing crazy.

• 15:46Dr. John Delony?

  Well, there's nothing crazy there, but sometimes there's a lot of dragon-filled moats to cross, getting to, "I want to be happy when he walks in the door."

• 15:58Speaker 00

  And I usually am happy when he gets home. Um, I work from home, so I'm by myself a lot.

• 16:05Dr. John Delony?

  There we go.

• 16:08Dr. John Delony?

  Do you have friends?

• 16:10Speaker 00

  I do, yeah.

• 16:11Dr. John Delony?

  That you hang out with at least once a week?

• 16:14Speaker 00

  No.

• 16:14Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, then they're not friends.

• 16:19Dr. John Delony?

  They're check-in buddies, they're acquaintances.

• 16:22Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 16:25Speaker 00

  Well, I guess, you know, for me, like, when I get done, which I've, we just, we just had our second, and so I've been on leave, um, with the baby and, um, you know, I just want to spend as much time with my kids as I can, so it's probably partly my fault that I don't have, you know, those, uh, times with friends. Um, you know, because I'm not working, I feel, I want to be with my kids.

• 16:55Dr. John Delony?

  I know, you almost said it, you feel what?

• 16:59Speaker 00

  Um, guilty?

• 17:00Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 17:03Dr. John Delony?

  I feel guilty for having my own joy, for filling my own pitcher up.

• 17:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:08Dr. John Delony?

  For having my own people that I can just roll my eyes with and make crash jokes with and, like, I feel guilty. And I love the fact that you just had a second kid, and here's why. Y'all have a brand-new marriage.

• 17:22Dr. John Delony?

  The marriage you had is over for better and for worse. Now you get to build a new one.

• 17:29Dr. John Delony?

  And y'all get to decide what this thing looks like. And there's something powerful about going to breakfast together. And I hate that this falls on you, but it probably does. Get a babysitter for half a, half a Saturday morning. Feel the guilt and then realize, nope, we're building something amazing for the kids. So they're going to be fine. Call grandma, call a neighbor, call somebody. And you and him go out and say, hey, we have a brand new marriage. In our old marriage, I was critical. I didn't like myself. I didn't like my stay at home, work from home job, or I got two kids. I don't, I didn't like that world I created. You've told me. You don't like the job you go to, it's fine, but it doesn't pay the bill, all that. And we made some agreements about what we value.

• 18:13Dr. John Delony?

  What is our new marriage going to look like? And we get to build this sucker from the floor up. Here's the thing, you're gonna have a tower. That's the analogy I use for marriage. You're gonna have a building. One's just gonna present itself for you and that sucker is going to be wobbly and ugly. And it's going to be haunted with ghosts from your past. Or y'all can build a new one together. And it can look like whatever y'all freaking want it to, which is pretty empowering and awesome.

• 18:41Dr. John Delony?

  Thank you for the call. If you don't think you're out of hope. Then it's going to start with a long conversation and I want you to go first. I want you to use I statements. And call him on the carpet for the things y'all agreed on that he's not living up to. And then together y'all create a roadmap, a blueprint, if you will, to build this new marriage. Thanks for the call, sister. I'm grateful that you called.

• 19:02Dr. John Delony?

  When we come back, a man asks how to move forward after filing for bankruptcy and feeling like a failure. We'll be right back.

• 19:10Dr. John Delony?

  This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Summer is here and everything changes this time of year. The kids are out of school, routines go out the window, you're traveling more and you're probably sleeping less. And if you're not careful, you can end up running on fumes. I know I'm already there. If you don't slow down and take care of yourself. All that stress doesn't just disappear. It shows up in your body, in your work, in your relationships, in your patients. It shows up everywhere and you find yourself not talking to anyone and just going inside yourself. And this is why I'm a big fan of BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that matches you with a licensed therapist based on your goals and preferences.

• 19:53Dr. John Delony?

  All of their therapists follow a strict code of conduct and you can message your therapist and schedule sessions right in the app. If it's not the right fit, you can switch anytime at no extra cost. You don't have to carry everything by yourself this summer. Go to betterhelp.com/deloney to get 10% off. That's betterhelp, H E L P, dot com, slash, deloney.

• 20:18Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go out to Chicago and talk to Ben. Hey Ben, what's up dude?

• 20:24Speaker 02

  How much, how about you?

• 20:26Dr. John Delony?

  Doing good, brother. What's going on with you?

• 20:29Speaker 02

  So, my question for you today is, how can I move through this bankruptcy that I'm currently going through? And not feel like a total failure and gain back some self-respect and my dignity?

• 20:51Dr. John Delony?

  Thanks for the call, man. So, tell me about this bankruptcy. You're not all the way through it. Why'd you file bankruptcy?

• 21:00Speaker 02

  I lost my career about three years ago.

• 21:07Speaker 02

  I tried like hell to find another job in that area. I was in tech and I applied to probably over 500 jobs, out of state, in-state, whatever I could do. And I could just never actually get to that.

• 21:31Speaker 02

  That next job, I would have some interviews. Um, nothing really moved forward. I tried all the odd end jobs I could do. Um, credit card bills, um, started stacking up as I had to, uh, start putting monthly expenses on those. Um, I was using my car for ride shares, so I needed my car. Um, just stupid decisions that led to debt piling on debt. And it just got unmanageable and, uh, it finally came to a head late last fall.

• 22:15Speaker 02

  And, uh, I decided at the beginning of this year to just throw in the towel. I was, I was, uh, just fighting.

• 22:30Dr. John Delony?

  How much debt was it?

• 22:33Speaker 02

  Uh, it was around eighty thousand with everything in.

• 22:42Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. If it's not too late, I won't beg you, but I would plead with you to stop the proceedings because I think you can dig yourself out. The nightmare of the next seven years. Um, you'll be, you can be out of debt before then.

• 23:07Speaker 02

  So I'm doing a chapter thirteen.

• 23:10Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 23:10Speaker 02

  Ancrepsy and, uh, my lawyer, lawyer was telling me that we would be setting up a three-year payment plan based off of my income. So after three years, whoever's left on the debt would, uh, get erased.

• 23:31Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but I think you can beat it. That's not why you're calling. Um, but the, the echoes of this thing will go on long after three years.

• 23:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:53Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. So take me back to this idea of a tech job. And were you pretty good at your job?

• 24:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, I like to think so.

• 24:05Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Did you make a good income?

• 24:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, I was making over a hundred thousand a year.

• 24:11Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, okay.

• 24:12Speaker 02

  So when that went away, it was quite a bit of a shock.

• 24:17Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 24:18Speaker 02

  And, uh, yeah.

• 24:20Dr. John Delony?

  But the way you described it to me, the words I wrote down was you didn't just lose a job. You lost your spirit, you lost your soul, you lost your identity.

• 24:32Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:33Dr. John Delony?

  Cause you're a guy that told himself and others, I'm a tech guy. I work in the tech industry. This is who I am.

• 24:40Dr. John Delony?

  Even the way you said, I lost my career instead of I lost my job.

• 24:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:45Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 24:47Dr. John Delony?

  And if you anchor into a place of employment or a field of employment as this is who I am, that's always a fragile anchoring. Cause as we're all seeing, like we told, we, you know, the world told you guys, I don't know. How old are you?

• 25:05Speaker 02

  I'm thirty.

• 25:07Dr. John Delony?

  Say that again?

• 25:08Speaker 02

  I'm thirty.

• 25:09Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Yeah. You were a part of that generation. They told you for 20 years, go, go into, go into tech, go into coding, go into tech, go into coding. And then all you guys created a system that is going to take away all y'all's jobs, right?

• 25:22Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:23Dr. John Delony?

  And so

• 25:26Dr. John Delony?

  if your identity is anchored into that thing, instead of here's, and here's the alternative. My identity is I provide value to a customer. My identity is I help people do X, Y, or Z air conditioning. I'm a teacher. I'm a professor. I'm do concrete. Like I am a a white collar executive and my job is to make sure my leaders are all okay. So they can go do their jobs and take care of their people. All right. If, if you're anchored into, I help others, you can help others anywhere, all over the place. What I'm, what I'm asking you is, is if you step back 30,000 feet and say, okay, I used to do tech. That's a thing I used to do. It's not a guy I used to be.

• 26:10Dr. John Delony?

  And you start asking yourself bigger questions like, can I go manage a grocery store or a chain? Can I go be a teacher?

• 26:18Dr. John Delony?

  Could I be an AI IT teacher at a local high school and make a hundred grand as a part of the teachers union in Chicago?

• 26:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, so um, I actually just landed a, I, I landed an apprenticeship in a welding union down here. Um, so, um, I'm not making great money right now, but by the time I'm out of my apprenticeship, I'll be making around sixty to seventy dollars an hour, plus all of my benefits, like pension and healthcare on top of that.

• 27:00Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so you'll be crushing it.

• 27:02Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 27:03Dr. John Delony?

  How long's your apprenticeship?

• 27:05Speaker 02

  It's a five-year apprenticeship.

• 27:16Dr. John Delony?

  That's a long time.

• 27:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 27:25Dr. John Delony?

  Do you have five years to float around at thirty-five thousand dollars a year?

• 27:31Speaker 02

  Well, I'm making more than that right now. Um, I think right now, I mean, we're working a lot of overtime because we're really busy. We have a lot of work for at least the next ten years, so it's a lot of job security.

• 27:49Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. How much you making right now annually?

• 27:54Speaker 02

  Uh, well, I just started this, uh, this past month, but, um, my weekly checks are around fifteen hundred.

• 28:03Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 28:05Dr. John Delony?

  Where are you living right now?

• 28:08Speaker 02

  In a small apartment.

• 28:10Dr. John Delony?

  Are you married?

• 28:12Speaker 02

  No, that was another reason why I was asking you about the self-respect and dignity. Because the biggest thing I want for myself and the whole world is to, uh, find a meaningful relationship and, uh, have a family of my own one day. And right now, that just doesn't even seem like it's in the cards.

• 28:37Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. Here's the thing, self-respect and confidence is not a thing you can think yourself into. It's a thing you have to act your way into, practice. And that means for a while, you're gonna have to do, take the next right step when your body is screaming for you not to.

• 28:57Dr. John Delony?

  That means you're gonna have to get up and go to the gym when you're exhausted.

• 29:03Dr. John Delony?

  Even if you're just gonna do 20 minutes in there.

• 29:07Dr. John Delony?

  That means you're not gonna get on a stupid dating app. You're gonna go to a local whatever.

• 29:15Dr. John Delony?

  You're gonna tell all your buddies to tell their wives and girlfriends, if they have a friend, you're on the prowl. Don't say on the prowl. That makes you sound like a creeper, but you know what I mean?

• 29:25Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:28Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna head back to church. I'm gonna join a softball league. Maybe the union's got a team, but I'm gonna start taking steps that feel incredibly difficult to take, even though I don't feel like them. Cause my feelings are huge right now, cause my feelings want me to turtle up, stay in this one bedroom apartment and not come out. Cause when I come out, I get hurt. I get rejected. I get let go. All that.

• 29:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:57Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm going to begin to become a man that I trust. And right now, you've lost trust in yourself.

• 30:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:06Dr. John Delony?

  And the only way you establish trust in yourself is remember this line, doing the next right thing. Especially when I don't feel like it.

• 30:20Dr. John Delony?

  You are not a failure because you're going into welding now.

• 30:30Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 30:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, I don't feel like a failure going into welding. I actually really like it.

• 30:40Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome.

• 30:42Dr. John Delony?

  I'm proud of you for doing this. It's gonna be a slog for five years, but I'm proud of you. And by the way, being a part of a Chicago Welders Union, they're gonna instill in you, this is your new identity.

• 30:58Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to fight that.

• 31:04Dr. John Delony?

  None of us, myself included, none of us are the thing we go to work and do.

• 31:10Dr. John Delony?

  That's a thing we do. That's not who we are.

• 31:17Speaker 02

  So how?

• 31:20Speaker 02

  How can I put other things into my life that?

• 31:26Speaker 02

  I can call my, my identity.

• 31:31Dr. John Delony?

  Who do you want to be?

• 31:34Speaker 02

  That's what I struggle with.

• 31:36Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, let me ask it another way. Who do you want to help?

• 31:41Dr. John Delony?

  When you worked in tech, who did you help?

• 31:50Speaker 02

  It's a hard question to answer.

• 31:52Dr. John Delony?

  Exactly. As a welder, who are you gonna help?

• 31:57Speaker 02

  The big data center. CEOs, I guess, because that's a lot of hard work.

• 32:04Dr. John Delony?

  It's a pretty hollow way to look at it.

• 32:09Dr. John Delony?

  Maybe you're gonna help fix the education system in the United States.

• 32:15Dr. John Delony?

  Maybe you're gonna help the local tax base in Illinois.

• 32:22Dr. John Delony?

  Maybe you're gonna help create thousands of new jobs.

• 32:28Dr. John Delony?

  Maybe you're gonna make sure people have a safe building to walk into and out of.

• 32:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:35Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 32:37Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 32:40Dr. John Delony?

  I make my boss a lot of money. I could put that pair of glasses on. Who am I helping? My boss get rich? I could. Or I can wear the pair of glasses and say, you know what I do every day? I help hurting people. That's what I do.

• 32:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:56Dr. John Delony?

  And by the way, I do that, I do that off the clock, too.

• 33:02Dr. John Delony?

  I get to decide who I'm gonna be.

• 33:12Dr. John Delony?

  But all that depends on the pair of glasses you choose to put on every morning when you wake up.

• 33:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, I appreciate that outlook.

• 33:24Dr. John Delony?

  Are you a person of faith?

• 33:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, very much so.

• 33:28Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Then if nothing else, every day I'm gonna walk, open my eyes, I'm gonna go to work as though I'm working for God.

• 33:39Dr. John Delony?

  Unto the Lord, as Scripture says.

• 33:46Dr. John Delony?

  Which means I'm gonna bring excellence. I'm gonna go to bed the night before so I can show up with excellence. I'm gonna take care of my body so I can show up with excellence.

• 33:55Dr. John Delony?

  Cause I'm working for something bigger than me.

• 33:58Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 34:05Dr. John Delony?

  And you're probably in a season where journaling this stuff and writing it down is gonna be really helpful. Get out of your body, because you're getting weighed down like you're under a weighted blanket with all the stories in your head, man.

• 34:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, it feels a little bit more than a weighted blanket right now.

• 34:23Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, like you're under a slab of concrete, yeah.

• 34:27Speaker 02

  I feel like Patrick Star under his uh, boulder.

• 34:34Dr. John Delony?

  I get that.

• 34:37Dr. John Delony?

  Then this afternoon, go over to local Walgreens and get a $2 journal.

• 34:46Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 34:47Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to write out all the, like, I feel the following. I feel like, I feel like, I feel like. And then underneath that, I want you to spend a moment writing, here's what is true. And more importantly, here's what I'm gonna do next. I'm gonna go for a walk around the neighborhood, I'm gonna put some books or a brick in a backpack and go rucking around my neighborhood.

• 35:12Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna go down to the apartment gym with their weird little pulley machines and I'm gonna get in 20 minutes of something.

• 35:22Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna start going to the, whatever, the singles gatherings at my local congregation, or whatever.

• 35:32Dr. John Delony?

  I'm again taking action.

• 35:36Dr. John Delony?

  And if you can contract your expenses down enough, I want you to be honest about,

• 35:42Dr. John Delony?

  of that $80,000 I owe,

• 35:46Dr. John Delony?

  what's the smallest credit card?

• 35:49Dr. John Delony?

  Could I save up in 30 days and get that one paid off? Forget all the others, can I get that one paid off?

• 35:59Dr. John Delony?

  And then in 60 days, can I get the next smallest one paid off? I don't care about interest rate, I don't care about amount, I'm gonna go smallest one first.

• 36:09Dr. John Delony?

  And you'll know, I mean, you can just, I mean, you can do that on paper. Right? Hang on the line here, I'm gonna hook you up with the EveryDollar app for a year. Before you go through with this bankruptcy, I want you to do the math on it. And one more thing, I'm gonna hook you up with a financial coach, I work here at Ramsey Solutions, I'm gonna hook you up with a, with a free coaching session with a financial coach. And it's free, and they're gonna be on your side, and so they're not gonna try to push you into anything, whatever, but I want you to sit down and walk through your actual, real numbers. What do I owe and to whom?

• 36:44Dr. John Delony?

  And is there a possibility, given what I make right now, right? I'm bringing home 6,000 bucks a month.

• 36:51Dr. John Delony?

  And it's, looks like it's only gonna escalate over time, given my expenses. Could I knock this out in two years or three years? And if you can, call off the bankruptcy, dude.

• 37:05Dr. John Delony?

  Call off the bankruptcy.

• 37:09Dr. John Delony?

  And as a guy who paid off six figures in debt, I get it. I know how crushing that sense of being a failure feels like.

• 37:17Dr. John Delony?

  But I believe in you, brother. Clay, call me anytime on your journey, hang on the line here, we'll hook you up. I'll also give you Building An Anxious Life. It's a book I wrote about creating a life I wanna live that's not filled with anxiety and the feeling of failure. I'll send you that for free too, brother, I'm on your team. Thanks for the call, man. When we come back, a woman asks how to talk about her and her husband's jobs in a realistic but respectful way around their kid. I can't wait for this call.

• 37:46Dr. John Delony?

  All right, it all started with the Cozy Earth towels. I love them. And then I got a Cozy Earth comforter, and then I got the big blanket. I'm even wearing Cozy Earth socks right now. I have Cozy Earth in every nook and cranny of my house. I even recently got a pair of their Everywhere Pants. I wasn't looking for another pair of pants, but I got them, and like all other Cozy Earth gear, they're incredible. And of course, my bed, all the beds in my house have Cozy Earth sheets on them. Why? They're not normal sheets. They're amazing. They're made from viscose, from bamboo. And you know what? I don't even know what that means. But I do know that these sheets are soft and breathable and somehow they keep you cool without freezing you out.

• 38:31Dr. John Delony?

  And you don't get too hot, especially during the summer. Cozy Earth Sheets help me and my family sleep better. They're so comfortable. And here's the deal. Cozy Earth gives you a 100-night sleep trial on all bedding and a 10-year warranty on everything else. So there's no risk. Try Cozy Earth for yourself. Go to cozylearth.com/Deloney and use code DELONY and you'll save up to 20% off your entire order. That's cozylearth.com/Deloney. Use code DELONY. And if you get a post-purchase survey, tell Cozy Earth you heard about their amazing gear right here on the Dr. John Deloney Show.

• 39:09Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go to San Francisco, California and talk to Marie. Hey, Marie, what's up?

• 39:15Speaker 03

  Hey, what's up? Good morning.

• 39:17Dr. John Delony?

  Good morning to you. How we doing?

• 39:19Speaker 03

  Good.

• 39:20Dr. John Delony?

  So what's up?

• 39:21Speaker 03

  All right. So I'll be brief. My husband and I both work in emergency medicine. I'm an ER nurse and he's a firefighter paramedic.

• 39:32Dr. John Delony?

  Hold on, stop, stop, stop. Can I just celebrate you for a second?

• 39:37Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 39:38Dr. John Delony?

  Those jobs are real, real hard.

• 39:41Speaker 03

  Well, yeah.

• 39:43Dr. John Delony?

  Well, let's just do some insider jokes. Your job's real hard. Your husband only works two days a week, right? So.

• 39:50Speaker 03

  And he gets to lounge in the chairs during the day.

• 39:53Dr. John Delony?

  I know, that's my firefighter joke. All the firefighters, listen, I'm on your team.

• 39:56Speaker 03

  We love you.

• 39:57Dr. John Delony?

  But I grew up in the house of a policeman, so that's just kind of insider jokes. All right, so both of you all have real tough jobs. He gets to spend a lot of time in a recliner, but so be it. So.

• 40:07Speaker 03

  So be it.

• 40:07Dr. John Delony?

  All right. So how can I help? I love, love, love my firefighter friends, so. All right, so what's going on?

• 40:15Speaker 03

  We love what we do. It's a huge reason we chose a career because we genuinely care about people and love them. But we have developed a pretty dark sense of humor that could be crass. I think it's a coping mechanism.

• 40:30Dr. John Delony?

  100% it is.

• 40:32Speaker 03

  Yeah, around coworkers and each other, it feels very normal, but around family, it's so cold.

• 40:40Speaker 03

  Unempathetic, it doesn't seem to land well, so.

• 40:44Dr. John Delony?

  Do you know my background?

• 40:48Speaker 03

  Briefly, I know you were in a like a crisis.

• 40:51Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 40:51Speaker 03

  The finder hotline?

• 40:53Dr. John Delony?

  No, I wasn't a hotline. I like I ran patrol with crisis team with with police officers.

• 40:57Speaker 03

  Oh, my.

• 40:57Dr. John Delony?

  I would show up with emergency rooms and with firefighters when they weren't lounging around. But my I grew up in the home of a homicide detective and a SWAT hostage negotiator. So when you say dark humor, just know that Kelly edits this show a lot.

• 41:15Dr. John Delony?

  A lot.

• 41:16Speaker 03

  Because they don't all land well.

• 41:18Dr. John Delony?

  The hard I don't know if I can say this. I'm going to say this. Kelly's not here. So Alex is here. He they may edit this out, but I'll tell you that and hopefully they'll leave it in because we're grownups here. Right, Alex? But if I'm honest,

• 41:35Dr. John Delony?

  the top three hardest times I've ever laughed. One time was at an Adam Sandler movie in the theater. One time was with my buddy Trevor and Todd and Craig. And the number one hardest I've ever laughed was cleaning up a scene that included dead people with another officer. And it was so gruesome

• 42:02Dr. John Delony?

  that it started with a tiny little like smirk that led to a joke that led to I laughed so hard. I I was the closest I've ever come to vomiting from laughing. And I remember looking at him being like, dude, if we're being recorded right now, they're going to put us in an institution. And that made him laugh even harder. Anyway, like I so and and again, to anyone not in that world, like that sounds like I'm insane, right? But you have to do that or otherwise you are going to go insane, right? So every first responder I know has a sense of humor that should not be recorded. Let's just say that.

• 42:42Speaker 03

  Yes, I'm smiling very hard because I feel seen.

• 42:47Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, that's my number one hardest I've ever laughed. I think this is the first time I've ever said this out loud. It was and and I would tell you off air, the scene we were cleaning up was so bad.

• 42:56Speaker 03

  Um, yeah.

• 42:57Dr. John Delony?

  And but anyway, I just got the giggles and I couldn't stop and then it just compounded and then phew, that was it.

• 43:05Speaker 03

  And your buddies are with you and they're in the same traumatic scene, but yeah, it's it's what comes of it.

• 43:10Dr. John Delony?

  I have a picture in my head of an officer with his head on a sink. Because he couldn't prop himself up. He was laughing so hard. He was holding something. Anyway, yeah, been there, been there, been there. Okay. So what's your question? I'm trying to make this all about me and it's not about me. So sorry about that.

• 43:26Speaker 03

  No, I I thank you for the camaraderie. It's nice to hear.

• 43:30Dr. John Delony?

  All right. So go for it.

• 43:31Speaker 03

  Now that we're becoming, we have a one year old and hopefully to be more kids, but now that we're becoming parents, we want to be intentional about how we talk about our jobs around our kids when they grow up. We don't want to hide reality or pretend that hard things don't exist, um, crazy things don't exist, but we also don't want them to grow up being desensitized or cynical or thinking people's pain is something to joke about.

• 43:55Dr. John Delony?

  Yep.

• 43:56Speaker 03

  Um, so how do we balance honesty plus the realities of our job while teaching empathy, respect, emotional health?

• 44:04Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, it's awesome. So, um, man, that's such a good question. I'll just tell you a couple of things that have made a big difference in my life. Okay. And I don't have a ton of like literature or data on this. I'm just going to tell you I spent, I mean, I grew up in the home of first responder. I ran with first responders and that was, I mean, I I meet with a lot of those guys, uh, men and women behind closed doors still to this day. So here here's a couple of big rock things. Number one, your kids are going to watch you way more than they listen to you.

• 44:40Dr. John Delony?

  And so them seeing in real time, mom goes to the gym.

• 44:47Dr. John Delony?

  Mom and dad are always hugging each other. They're always looking each other in the eyes. They're always laughing with each other. They're popping each other with towels. They're smacking each other on the butt like my mom and dad are gross for each other.

• 45:00Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And by the way, that's number one on the greatest gift you can give your parents can give their kids is to recklessly love their spouse, their other parent.

• 45:10Speaker 03

  My husband said that the other day.

• 45:12Dr. John Delony?

  That's awesome. That's number one. Like of all the, can I put them in these schools? Can I make, put them on this athletic team? Number one is recklessly love their other parent.

• 45:25Dr. John Delony?

  Um, and so you and your husband decide, um, and here's a language I've started using. Y'all create a secret world that does not include your jobs, does not include your kids. It includes whatever y'all want it to include though. But it's just y'all.

• 45:39Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 45:40Dr. John Delony?

  And then we decide if we're going to talk about work. We decide if we're going to let kids like, um, even peer into this thing. But this is our secret world. Our jokes, our laughter, our little like sexual nod, like all this is ours, right? What we want our home to feel like, look like, where we want to live, all that stuff. It's ours. Nobody else gets a vote in that. And so putting that time in, again, will give your kids an emotional anchor. And here's what that looks like for my kids. You will not know shame until you make an inappropriate joke and your 14 year old looks at you with no laughter and says, Dad, when are you going to grow up? Right? My kid did that to me.

• 46:25Dr. John Delony?

  And listen, I was, I laughed so hard when he did that, he still didn't laugh. But here's what that taught me. A, he has grown up in a house where he's allowed to call out his dad.

• 46:40Dr. John Delony?

  He is in a house where he feels safe enough that that's okay, respectfully. He is in a house where he has developed his own moral compass because he had a true moral compass to be anchored into, in, in him, in his, in his mom. And three, um, he knows his dad's a good guy, but his dad just thinks that certain things are funny that most other people don't.

• 47:05Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And I'll also tell you, I, I made a big mistake in coming, I, I realized very early that I would melt my wife with stories of what had happened at work.

• 47:19Dr. John Delony?

  And then I hit the pendulum too hard and I started telling her nothing.

• 47:25Dr. John Delony?

  And then what I realized is I started keeping secrets. And I started telling other people what was going on and I found myself moving closer to them than to her. And that's not good either.

• 47:39Dr. John Delony?

  And so we had to develop some sort of code where she would say like, was last night a rough night? And I'd say, yeah. And she knew, oh, when he's had a rough night, when he had to go tell mom and dad, hey, your kid is dead in the next room over here. Right? And you've been in those rooms when moms are fall to the ground and dads are hitting things like you've been in there. Right?

• 47:59Dr. John Delony?

  She didn't have to know all the gory details, but she knew when, when, when John says he's had a rough night, she leans in. She comes in for a hug and doesn't let go. Oh, damn, I'm gonna, I'm gonna get choked up now. She will sit by me and put her arm, her hand on my arm and not, and not, not let go.

• 48:18Dr. John Delony?

  Cause we've talked about it before, right? And, and I know, hey, I need to call my supervisor when I see a gnarly one. I just need to say it to somebody, right? But it's, it's developing those things and your kids are gonna absorb that.

• 48:30Speaker 03

  Right?

• 48:31Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 48:33Dr. John Delony?

  And so those are the big rock things.

• 48:37Dr. John Delony?

  And I don't think y'all, because it, it similarly, like if you were on shift, right? And y'all saw something crazy. And you, you as a group of nurses, like, were doing what you had to do to survive that scene, right? And one of y'all is outside smoking and y'all are standing with them and one of y'all makes a joke and you all get the giggles and then y'all just start dying laughing, right? I know this about you. If you walked back inside and saw an arrogant prick doctor make a comment about that patient, you'd get angry, right?

• 49:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:12Dr. John Delony?

  Because that, that statement would be at them.

• 49:17Dr. John Delony?

  Not, you get what I'm saying?

• 49:19Speaker 03

  I do.

• 49:20Dr. John Delony?

  And so you, I don't think your, your fear about saying the wrong thing or making the wrong joke in front of your kids, that's a real fear. You won't do that because that's not who you are.

• 49:30Speaker 03

  It's not coming from a place of malice.

• 49:32Dr. John Delony?

  That's right. It's not coming out of place of at, it's coming out of place of survival.

• 49:36Speaker 03

  Hmm. Yeah. That's a good point.

• 49:40Dr. John Delony?

  You, you, you won't do that. In fact, your kids, because of your, you and your husband's professions, your kids will see the world, um,

• 49:52Dr. John Delony?

  they will walk through life with their eyes wide open to hurting people, and we need more people like that.

• 49:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:01Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's true, we do.

• 50:02Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, I've talked so much in this call, and I'm so sorry. You talk back now. I feel like I'm just running my mouth.

• 50:07Speaker 03

  No, no, no, that was, that was, it was really wonderful. I do appreciate it. Um, yeah, I think, I think, hmm, my, it just, my concern came from, we were having a, a family gathering, and my husband and I were just going, we were just ricocheting off each other, and, you know, building on a story that, that soon happens, um, because he brings patients to my hospital. And we were just going back and forth on it, and I remember the looks on my family's faces when I looked over, and they were like,

• 50:40Speaker 03

  ah, they just looked at us like we were these awful people. And I remember my sister specifically saying, "I would never say that about somebody." And then, yeah, that made us just chuck each other, like, "Oh, God."

• 50:52Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, but does she, does she work in your profession?

• 50:56Speaker 03

  No, and that's, that's my dad is also a, no, my dad's also a paramedic firefighter, and he came around the corner, and he was like, "Hey, I get it." Um, and, yeah, yeah, he, he gave us a little bit of comfort in it, but you're right, it's, it's just, it's a, it's a situation that you just can't explain to other people unless they live it, you know?

• 51:19Dr. John Delony?

  And I'll tell you, my dad, the former homicide detective, there's been many a times he starts telling a story. At the dinner table.

• 51:25Speaker 03

  Go too far.

• 51:26Dr. John Delony?

  And with my kids and we're like, Dad, stop, stop. Right. And he's like, oh, so sorry. Right?

• 51:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 51:31Dr. John Delony?

  Um, and he's not trying, he's just speak like, that's just how I grew up. Right? And so.

• 51:37Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 51:37Dr. John Delony?

  I don't want my kids, they're, at the time, they're six, right? They don't need to hear about that assault, like, they don't need to hear that. And he's, he's just not even making a joke. He's just telling a fact, hey, this happened yesterday.

• 51:48Speaker 03

  Telling the story. Yeah.

• 51:49Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. And like, no, there's a six year old. He's, oh, okay. Right? And so some of that will be you and your husband being self-aware, right? And you know as well as I do, it's kinda awesome to juice up a crowd sometimes.

• 52:03Speaker 03

  They love the story.

• 52:04Dr. John Delony?

  They do love the stories and it's, I mean, sometimes that can be fun, but usually it's like, nah, it's good.

• 52:13Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah. You gotta be careful how you take it.

• 52:15Dr. John Delony?

  That's right.

• 52:15Speaker 03

  But, but no, that, that was a, I, I appreciate the point of kids will watch your, your actions and behaviors more than your words.

• 52:23Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 52:24Speaker 03

  That's great.

• 52:25Dr. John Delony?

  Now, they will pick up swear words and say them back to you. As my daughter was singing, Tom Petty came on the other day on the way home from church. And my family's always changing the words to songs. And I hear my 10 year old daughter in the backseat of my truck on the way home from church of all places, singing, and I'm free, free ballin'. And she kept singing it over and over. And I looked at my wife, I was like, you gotta tell her what that means. And she's like, you tell her. I was like, I'm gonna tell her, you tell her. And she, my daughter caught us and she's like, what, what, what got, and so we had to explain it. And it's anyway, they'll pick up your words and say them, and say them back to you. They for sure will. So, um, but it's, it's a, let me say this, you're super on the right track.

• 53:09Dr. John Delony?

  The, the fact that you're even wondering about this is great. And there is tons of discretion with little kids. They do not need to know those stories at all. Um, in fact, many of the stories my kids don't, don't, don't have any idea what, what dad used to do. Like, he, they know I used to show up at the house in a patrol car or something, but they have no idea what dad used to do. And that's good. As my son's getting older, he's asking more questions and I'm telling him a little bit more here and there, but, um, but you're in the right place. And having a dark sense of humor is part of being a first responder, showing up in, with people, um, in their worst, worst, worst, almost unimaginable moments. That's the way we stay sane.

• 53:52Dr. John Delony?

  And I know it's fun to melt family, but it's probably not a good idea. So all I'd say is y'all are doing great. I would love for you and your husband to get together, spend a half day together. Y'all have a one-year-old now. The marriage y'all had, over. It doesn't exist anymore. So getting together and saying, okay, we have a brand-new marriage because we have a one-year-old now. We've never been married with a one-year-old. What do we want our marriage to look like? Because we get to choose. And y'all construct that sucker. How do we want this to look? And how are we gonna love each other recklessly till death do us part? Thank you so much for the call, sister. We'll be right back.

• 54:29Dr. John Delony?

  All right, look, I went into a local corner store the other day to just buy a few things. And at checkout, they wanted my address, my phone number. They might as well have taken a picture of me and got my social security number. I just wanted some paper plates and some cups, and they wanted my soul. Listen, every time you give out your cell number, your email address to some business, or you buy something online, data brokers are looking to grab your information and sell it to the highest bidder, leaving you vulnerable to spam and scams. This is a big part of why I use and recommend Delete Me. Your phone number, your home address, your family's personal information, all of this is just floating around online, sitting on data broker websites

• 55:14Dr. John Delony?

  that you have never heard of. Delete Me finds your personal information, and they remove it for you. Not just once, they keep monitoring for your information, and they clean it up month after month. This helps you close the gap between what you think is private and what actually is. You cannot build a peaceful life if parts of your life are being bought and sold in the shadows online without your permission. Go to joindelete.me/deloney and get 20% off an annual plan. That's joindelete.me/deloney.

• 55:49Dr. John Delony?

  All right, Alex, something cool happened. By the way, the second show in a row, Kelly's not here. Still hungover. She went on a bender.

• 55:56Speaker 04

  Yup.

• 55:59Dr. John Delony?

  Golly, dude. She's not gonna fire you, Alex. Alex is so scared for his job. I'm telling you guys, Kelly is ruthless.

• 56:06Speaker 04

  She's scary.

• 56:07Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, I told, right? Everywhere I travel, all over the country, people are like, Kelly's the best. She's so wonderful. She's not mean at all.

• 56:15Speaker 04

  She's a tyrant.

• 56:16Dr. John Delony?

  Look.

• 56:17Speaker 04

  An old tyrant.

• 56:18Dr. John Delony?

  Thank you. Thank you. And by the way, she controls final edit, so she's gonna edit all this out. Or she'll write her own cool crap that happened and be like, Dear John, your team's amazing, like she always does. But, all right, go ahead, Alex.

• 56:31Speaker 04

  So this is less of a cool crap that happened and more of a cool crap that could happen. So.

• 56:37Dr. John Delony?

  Here you go with the Dungeons and Dragons story.

• 56:39Speaker 04

  Well, yeah. Anyways, Jennifer said, I feel like your next move is to open up a breakfast place called Clearing the Deck, where the booths are set up like a comfy meeting place to have breakfast, but there is at least one trained therapist on staff at a time in case something emotional blows up. You could have the paper and pen in front of them as well as tissues if things get hard. I'm happy to help with logistics for a small cut of the profits. Love your show.

• 57:07Dr. John Delony?

  A breakfast place. Ship it. Do y'all even, do people y'alls age even eat breakfast?

• 57:14Speaker 04

  Not me.

• 57:15Dr. John Delony?

  I don't know any kid under the age of 40 that eats breakfast. Killer, do you have breakfast?

• 57:22Speaker 05

  Uh, no, not really. Sometimes I'll have a protein shake in the mornings if I'm feeling up for it. Yeah.

• 57:28Dr. John Delony?

  So, okay, I'm doing this. I'll open a breakfast restaurant. What does she wanna call it? Clearing the Deck? All right, I gotta change the name so she won't sue me.

• 57:37Dr. John Delony?

  Um, we could have a covered wagon parking for our geriatric folks who wanna come meet Kelly. And we could have a thing in the corner where Kelly's making her own butter like she does. That would be awesome.

• 57:49Speaker 04

  So she's Amish now, too?

• 57:53Dr. John Delony?

  She just does things the old fashioned way. Like they used to do it when she was a little girl. Before we had all this new fangled stuff like electricity and running water and stuff like that. All right, that's awesome. I love that idea. What was her name?

• 58:09Speaker 04

  Jennifer.

• 58:09Dr. John Delony?

  Jennifer, I don't share profits, but that was a good idea. Thanks for the suggestion. Love you guys. Bye.