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Transcript Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:00 Speaker 00 I run my own business and my wife stays at home and she's been a stay at home mom all the whole time. There's things that don't get done at the house and she gets upset about that. When she says something's not being done, I take it personally and I end up snapping at her.
0:14 Dr. John Delony? Is your wife somebody who complains at you a lot?
0:25 Dr. John Delony? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, coming to you live from Nashville, Tennessee, taking your calls on your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your marriage, your kids, whatever you've got going on. By the way, we're not live, Kelly. I don't know why you always say that. I'm talking to folks live, but y'all are hearing this not live. There you go. I think it just makes me feel cool. And that's depressing that that makes me feel cool. There should be so many other things that make me feel cool, but we are live, even though we're not. So let's go out to Dallas, Texas and talk to Glenn. What's up Glenn?
1:05 Speaker 00 How's it going?
1:06 Dr. John Delony? I'm doing all right, brother. How are you?
1:08 Speaker 00 I'm doing good.
1:09 Dr. John Delony? Excellent. What's up?
1:11 Speaker 00 Um, I think the, the basic of my question, and I'm sure you're gonna dig in, but I guess first off, I want to appreciate and say I really thank you for all that you do. But two years ago, I had the, the meeting and turned the, turned the lights off. I actually returned the lights on, you say, but I actually had to turn the lights off because all the kids were in bed. But I had that conversation and with my wife and we're kind of rebuilt, rebuilding things and spent the last two years kind of looking over myself and trying to figure out what's, what are the things that are going on that I'm not even kind
1:48 Speaker 00 of aware of and why. And one of those things is being so defensive. And I can't seem to break the, the cycle, I guess. And so as much as, you know, I, I work, I run my own business and my wife stays at home and she's been a stay at home mom for, you know, I think she's worked two or three months of her, of our 16 year marriage. And so she's been a stay at home all the whole time. And I, at times it's like, there's things that don't get done at the house and she gets.
2:27 Speaker 00 Upset about that where like she likes a clean house and things and I get home and then we got baseball and softball and all the kids sports and stuff and it's um I think it just when she says something is not being done, I take it personally and I end up snapping at her and it's just I don't know it's not like I'm aggressive towards her it's just I can feel myself going why are you getting mad at me and I don't know how to break that cycle um because on the on the back end she's supportive and she'll make my lunches and I mean she so this serves me in so many other ways.
3:04 Dr. John Delony? Man.
3:05 Speaker 00 So I don't know what all you need to know there.
3:08 Dr. John Delony? I well, I guess first and foremost dude, I want to celebrate you to the ends of the earth, man. Men are not taught to be reflective and to look in the mirror and say what am I contributing to this? And getting to the bottom, right, distilling everything down to um here's what I'm contributing to the problem here. It takes a level of emotional maturity that just quite frankly is not modeled at the highest levels of our country, is not modeled in our neighborhoods and especially not modeled in online.
3:51 Dr. John Delony? And so dude, I just want to celebrate you, brother. I don't I don't talk to a lot of men who say I'm struggling with contempt, I'm struggling with defensiveness, like these four horsemen, you know, that the Gottmans talk about. So shout out dude, I would hug you if you were here, I'm proud of you, okay? So let's take, actually, you know what, I want to take a weird track, okay? We're gonna we're gonna get to you, but let's call a spade a spade, okay? Is your wife somebody who complains at you a lot?
4:32 Speaker 00 I want to say I feel like it. That's um.
4:40 Speaker 00 That's the way I feel a lot of times. I feel like I don't do enough around the house.
4:46 Dr. John Delony? You feel like you don't, or you feel like you do a ton and it's an ever moving finish line?
4:53 Speaker 00 A little bit of both because like I feel like I do a lot. I mean, I obviously I provide for the family's income. And the last couple of years, we can get into the details, but it's been pretty stressful and starting a business and stuff. But um, and so it's um. There's like, I do a lot. I mean, I work a lot. I provide a lot. I've been doing it for, you know, 20 years and it. So I think sometimes I'm like, okay, well, I don't, I do a lot outside the house, but how much do I actually do in the house? Um, but I could, what I guess I feel like I could, when I do do the dishes or the floors or whatever, and it might be appreciative in the moment.
5:35 Speaker 00 But then the next day, it's like, if I don't do it again, then I'm not doing enough. Like then that's when it's like, well. I just, so it's kind of a both, I think.
5:45 Dr. John Delony? Okay, that's, that's awesome because when it's a both, um. There's some pretty clear strategies for how to, how to navigate that. And here's the reason I started with her. Um, I do know men and women who look in the mirror and eventually turn themselves into doormats. Because they have a spouse who never, ever, ever bothers to get to know them, bothers to see them, bothers to celebrate them. And just challenge, challenge, challenge, challenge, challenge.
6:18 Dr. John Delony? And so part of seeing a spouse is knowing they're different than me. Clean to them is not clean to me.
6:30 Speaker 00 A hundred percent.
6:31 Dr. John Delony? Right?
6:32 Speaker 00 Hundred percent right there.
6:33 Dr. John Delony? And so seeing each other is a, and by the way, you seeing her is different, right? Like, I think things are fine right now. And no, and then the next level is I'm gonna get to know her. Teach me about what a clean kitchen means to you.
6:50 Dr. John Delony? Tell me about, I'm running home from work. I drop everything, grab the shin guards and the cleats and the kids and we're out the door. How in that transaction, all you can see is my bag on the table and the backpacks on the table. How is that all you see? Teach me about that. And vice versa, her getting to know you, what is so hard about taking 17 more steps and putting this bag in our bedroom? Right? So, but you see how that's not judgmental. We're just being curious. That's what, that's what getting to know somebody is, is just curiosity. And then celebrating each other all the time.
7:31 Dr. John Delony? Like little notes, I see what you did here. And she might say, where me and my wife ran into trouble is, we were both trying to celebrate each other a lot, but we were celebrating each other in ways that we like to be celebrated. My wife would love for all of her meals to just be made. For me, that, that like, I can just live off silly things, right? So what she would do is she would make meals for me. And what I really wanted was a hug. What I really wanted was her to say, I see how hard you worked and I'm super grateful for you. I'm proud of you. Right? And so it took us getting to that next level of known is, what are some ways you feel loved?
8:16 Dr. John Delony? And what are some ways I feel loved? And even if it's uncomfortable for us, we're going to do those things, right? And then if you see and know and celebrate somebody, that gives you permission for that challenge because now I know we're on the same team. Right? And so like a good coach, coach knows, hey, we all want to win this game. And so if you hold your elbow up a little higher when you swing, you're going to hit the ball more and we're all going to, we're all going to benefit from it, right? So we're on the same team there. And so.
8:45 Dr. John Delony? Let me ask you, built into the word defensive is defense. When your wife says, hey, you're not helping out around here. Or you let you track mud in or whatever. What are you playing defense against? When your body rises up to protect you. What is it playing defense against shame, embarrassment, or anger or frustration? Like, what are you playing defense against?
9:14 Speaker 00 I guess, I mean, some of the things that we've talked about is, I mean, I don't feel, I don't feel good enough for her.
9:20 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
9:21 Speaker 00 Um, I, there is some shame and stuff there. I mean, I've had a, um, I've had trouble with porn since I was probably 10, 11 years old. And that's one of the things that came out two years ago that was a big deal because she thought I had stopped and I hadn't. And, um, I mean, you know, two years ago in July is when we had the conversation and I haven't, I haven't touched it since. Um, but it's still like, there's still this, I mean, there's a, there's more detailed things in the background that, you know, we may not have time for. But I think it comes down to just not feeling good enough. And then the fear of her leaving in a sense.
10:02 Dr. John Delony? Has she threatened to leave?
10:05 Speaker 00 Uh, maybe one time in 16 years.
10:08 Dr. John Delony? Okay. Did anybody leave you when you were a kid?
10:14 Speaker 00 I mean, not physically, but thinking through a lot of it. I mean, my parents were there physically, but I don't know if they were there, you know, for us in a sense.
10:28 Speaker 00 Definitely not mentally, um, or emotionally, I should say.
10:33 Speaker 00 We were just taught not to have emotions, so I didn't.
10:36 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A very Texas male of us, right?
10:40 Speaker 00 Yeah.
10:41 Dr. John Delony? What, uh,
10:44 Dr. John Delony? which parent were you responsible for making sure they didn't get mad?
10:48 Speaker 00 Uh, my dad.
10:49 Dr. John Delony? Okay. So is there kind of a, uh,
10:55 Dr. John Delony? I call it a shadow team, right? Like where mom would look at you and be like, hey, you need to do this, this and this, or dad's gonna get mad.
11:02 Speaker 00 Yeah, for the most part.
11:04 Dr. John Delony? Okay. You know this, but I want to say it out loud. It is never a child's job to make sure their parents are not emotionally reactive.
11:16 Speaker 00 Right.
11:17 Dr. John Delony? That's the adult's job. And you hiding out in your own skin, which is what pornography is, which is what alcohol is, which is what online gambling is. It is, I'm trying to feel alive and keep the outward shield in place. I feel dead in my own skin. Because here's what I see. You did an amazing thing by sitting down with your wife, saying, I'm going to be honest and open. No more secrets. I want to rebuild this thing from the floor up. It sounds like she said she was in. And you immediately went to, how do I perform as a building guy, right? As a construction guy?
12:00 Dr. John Delony? Instead of the layer beneath that, which is, I don't want to sing and dance and perform in my own house.
12:07 Speaker 00 Right.
12:08 Dr. John Delony? Right? Because all of that gets so exhausting. And what you've done for yourself is noble, like, no more pornography. But you haven't refilled that space with any sort of other aliveness, right? You and your wife haven't decided, let's build a secret world where we both feel so alive inside this thing. What would that be for you? And what would that be for me? And how can I spend my whole life giving that to you and you giving that to me? Instead, it has been, hey, what do you want this house to look like, wife? And she paints the picture. It's not co-created, it's created. And you're spending your life not measuring up. You get what I'm saying? Does that make sense? I'm trying to bring it down. I don't want to speak in the clouds here.
12:48 Speaker 00 No, I think that's, no, I understand.
12:53 Speaker 00 Yeah, I don't know what to say now.
12:55 Dr. John Delony? Okay, well, I, I, here's a path forward. Number one, I'm gonna give you and your wife a year of the Together app for free, okay?
13:03 Speaker 00 Okay.
13:03 Dr. John Delony? And it's tiny little actions to teach each other about seeing and knowing and celebrating each other. All right.
13:11 Speaker 00 So, I mean, one of the, one thing that, like, I thought about doing that in the past, and I tried to get her to go to couples counseling. Um, I've done my own counseling over the last year, and she's gone it like a couple of times, but it's just not something that she thinks is beneficial and doesn't want to spend the money on.
13:31 Dr. John Delony? Mm-hmm.
13:32 Speaker 00 Um, and so I'm afraid that if we do the Together app stuff, like, if she's looking at it, it's gonna look too much, um, planned, or, or, um, kind of fake, I guess, in a sense. Like, she, the, the thing that always comes in my head that you say is that she's got this image, or, or like this movie in her mind that she wants me to do, but I don't know the script to it.
14:00 Dr. John Delony? Yes.
14:01 Speaker 00 And if I don't play it out exactly, then it's just a big ordeal, and...
14:07 Dr. John Delony? And I'm gonna tell you, um, I, I, I don't want, I haven't, I'm not talking to her, so I hate to talk like this, but that sounds like somebody who's living in contempt.
14:19 Dr. John Delony? And contempt is the worst of the four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse, and here's why. That person thinks that they, the way they see the world is right, and anyone who doesn't see the world like them, especially their spouse, is less than, is grosser than, is less whatever than. And nobody in a marriage can read minds, which is why a roadmap is so important. Clarity is so important, and that's very un-Hollywood.
14:54 Dr. John Delony? Right, getting together once a week and saying, "How can I love you this week? Here's what's on the calendar this week." So let me paint you, again, I don't want to make this about me, but here's what me and my wife did, and we've learned it the hard way. I wrote one book. Whew, that was tough in our house. I wrote a second book on not being anxious, and man, that was revealing. This third book that I'm just about to finish, we sat down a year ago and said, "Okay, we're about to enter into a wild season. What's this gonna look like? How can I love you in this season? How can you love me? How can we put relational deposits in now that we're gonna need to withdraw from when things get really busy?"
15:39 Dr. John Delony? And so for y'all, you're starting a new business. That comes with long hours, that comes with a lot of, even when you're at home, you're still in your head. That comes with navigating personnel, and navigating supply chain stuff, and navigating gas prices, it's all that stuff, right? And so a spouse who's on your team says, "I'm gonna pick up the slack in this season because we've planned for it." Because it can't be 50/50 in this season. So it's gonna be 80/20, and I'm gonna carry extra load here. And he's gonna be really tired, and I'm gonna be really tired. And then as this business gets off the ground, and we're gonna, we're gonna talk every week,
16:23 Dr. John Delony? every month, and every year, and say, "Where are we?" And then she's gonna say, "I've been carrying, carrying extra water for two years now. You need to hire somebody new." Or, "What's the path forward here?" Right? And so, but that's y'all planning, not just to rebuild your marriage, but planning on the seasons inside of your marriage. And if she looks at you and says, "I'm not doing that," then that's revealing y'all have a bigger challenge in your marriage. You hear what I'm saying?
16:57 Speaker 00 Yeah, I think that's, that's the fear.
17:01 Dr. John Delony? Okay. The longer you try to perform your way around this fear, the worse it's gonna get.
17:10 Dr. John Delony? The only path through it is through it.
17:16 Dr. John Delony? And so can I give you a script that I want you to use with her?
17:20 Speaker 00 Yeah.
17:21 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
17:23 Dr. John Delony? Here's the problem.
17:27 Dr. John Delony? I feel like I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't know how I can win. And the story I'm making up, this is number two, the story I'm making up is
17:39 Dr. John Delony? there's not a thing I can do to where you will be happy.
17:45 Dr. John Delony? Number three, that makes me feel lost. Makes me feel less than, it makes me feel like I'm never gonna be the man that you want.
17:54 Dr. John Delony? Number four, I'm gonna ask you for a roadmap, a weekly list of things I can do and check off here.
18:04 Dr. John Delony? And then she might look at you and say, no, you should know already.
18:08 Speaker 00 Yeah.
18:09 Dr. John Delony? Or I'm not giving you that list, or I don't even know. Right? And if that's the response, then y'all have bigger issues. If the response is, oh, my gosh, no, the story is this.
18:27 Dr. John Delony? I'm so sorry you feel like that. I'll be glad to, let's navigate this thing together. Right? You get what I'm saying?
18:33 Speaker 00 Yeah.
18:34 Dr. John Delony? Or the story I'm making up is if I miss the dishes on the wrong day at the wrong time, you're gonna leave me.
18:43 Dr. John Delony? And that makes me feel always on edge and always scared.
18:50 Dr. John Delony? Right?
18:51 Speaker 00 Yeah.
18:51 Dr. John Delony? But you worrying about that all the time is not bringing y'all closer together. It's keeping y'all further apart and it's making you wanna dance more and be more armored up. And that's a recipe for collapse.
19:02 Dr. John Delony? It sounds like your wife is also struggling with who she is in her own skin, and she's wanting you to fix that. And that will always be a moving target because she just is working on trying not to feel a certain way, and it's your job to make sure she doesn't feel that way. And she has to take ownership of her feelings and her emotions and her next right action. And that's really hard with her not on the phone. So, thank you so much for the call, brother. Hang on the line, we'll get you hooked up with the resources. When we come back, a woman asks how to handle inheritance when her child's religious beliefs no longer align with her and her husband's. We'll be right back.
19:41 Dr. John Delony? When a family loses someone they depend on, the weight they carry isn't only the grief of the loss, it's also the real-life pressure of bills, the mortgage, groceries, all of these big decisions and all of these big needs that keep on coming as the world keeps spinning, even though you're broken-hearted. And I know thinking about scary things like who will take care of my family if something ever happened to me, that's not a fun thing to think about, but there is 100% chance that you will die someday, so we've got to plan for it. That's what term life insurance is. It's a clear plan for taking care of those who depend on you if the worst thing ever happens. I trust Zander Insurance. Xander makes buying term life insurance simple.
20:26 Dr. John Delony? And because they're an independent broker, they work for you and not the insurance companies. Xander shops across top companies to find the right policy at a price that fits your life. By the way, I recommend getting coverage that's 10 to 12 times your annual income. So if something happens to you, your family can have some peace in all of the heartbreak. Term life insurance is a way of saying I love you when you can no longer say it yourself. Go to xander.com or call 1-800-356-4282 to get term life insurance the right way. That's Xander with a Z, xander.com.
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22:18 Dr. John Delony? All right, let's go to Las Vegas, Nevada and talk to Jill. What's up Jill?
22:23 Speaker 02 In a bit of a pickle.
22:25 Dr. John Delony? I love pickles.
22:31 Speaker 02 We developed a trust way back in 1999 and
22:36 Dr. John Delony? Who's we?
22:37 Speaker 02 We have yet to amend it. My husband.
22:40 Dr. John Delony? Okay, all right, you and your husband developed a trust, okay.
22:43 Speaker 02 Okay, in 1999 and obviously a lot has changed. Our children are older and we have to amend it. However, our son has married into a marriage and he's all in on this.
23:01 Speaker 02 New faith that we can't put our arms around.
23:07 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
23:08 Speaker 02 And my husband is adamant about he gets nothing. And I am of the, I'm gonna start crying here.
23:15 Dr. John Delony? Wow.
23:16 Speaker 02 I'm of the, we still have a wonderful relationship with him. We love him. He is a blessing from God. And I don't know, we're gonna be gone. So I guess what doesn't matter, but he doesn't feel like he can, he wants our hard earned dollars to be supporting a faith that we really don't believe in.
23:43 Dr. John Delony? Wow.
23:46 Dr. John Delony? Whew.
23:49 Dr. John Delony? How can I help?
23:51 Speaker 02 I don't know. I thought maybe you'd have some good ideas.
23:56 Dr. John Delony? Well, I mean, I think your husband's wrong, but he didn't, he's not on the phone.
24:01 Dr. John Delony? Or let me say, here's the deal. It's y'all's money. Y'all can do whatever you want to with your money.
24:07 Speaker 02 Right.
24:10 Dr. John Delony? I have a visceral response in my chest. When
24:17 Dr. John Delony? people want to use, want to wield power to get other people to believe what they want to believe, which is different than do what I want them to do. You get what I'm saying?
24:31 Speaker 02 Yeah.
24:31 Dr. John Delony? And so when I take, by the way, I take calls all the time on this, on The Ramsey Show that I also co-host and in my private life.
24:42 Dr. John Delony? If somebody is gonna leave an inheritance to somebody who is really struggling with addiction,
24:48 Dr. John Delony? I always tell them not to because that money will kill them.
24:52 Speaker 02 Right.
24:52 Dr. John Delony? Right? It'll destroy.
24:53 Speaker 02 Right.
24:54 Dr. John Delony? If you want to leave that money in a trust for rehab, for support, I'm all about that.
25:03 Speaker 02 Right.
25:04 Dr. John Delony? But when somebody.
25:05 Speaker 02 Different.
25:06 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, that's right. And so, and if somebody is living a life that you don't agree with and you don't want to support, it's your money. You can do what you want to with it.
25:19 Speaker 02 Right.
25:20 Dr. John Delony? What is your?
25:25 Dr. John Delony? You say you have a wonderful relationship with your son. It sounds like your husband does not have a good relationship with his son.
25:33 Speaker 02 Um, he does.
25:35 Dr. John Delony? It's a very conditional relationship.
25:37 Speaker 02 It's had its struggles over the years, but um, now everything's great.
25:41 Dr. John Delony? It's not. It's still very conditional.
25:44 Speaker 02 Yeah.
25:45 Dr. John Delony? And that's not a good relationship. That is a transactional relationship. You do this and then I'll do that.
25:52 Speaker 02 Right.
25:53 Dr. John Delony? And that is different than you can always come home. You get what I'm saying?
25:57 Speaker 02 Right. Right. I mean, we pray about it every day.
26:01 Dr. John Delony? Sure.
26:03 Dr. John Delony? What, what, what faith are you and what faith has your son moved on to?
26:09 Speaker 02 Um, we are Catholic.
26:10 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
26:11 Speaker 02 Christian, um, and our son is now Islam.
26:15 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
26:20 Dr. John Delony? Well, here's the thing. I don't, I don't have any, I can't tell you what to do.
26:27 Dr. John Delony? You know what I mean?
26:28 Speaker 02 Right.
26:29 Dr. John Delony? Other than I would want to look at the character of my son, the father he is, the husband he is.
26:35 Speaker 02 Exactly. That's how I feel. He's a great dad.
26:38 Dr. John Delony? And the citizen he is.
26:40 Speaker 02 Great guy.
26:43 Dr. John Delony? And, and I might, I might say, hey, this isn't what I would, the path I would have chosen for you. Um, I believe something different than you.
26:51 Speaker 02 Right.
26:52 Dr. John Delony? I want to, I mean, that's, I mean, again. Um.
27:00 Dr. John Delony? I don't want money to hurt my kid. And at the same time, I'll honor your husband's faith beliefs. If he thinks giving money to him is going to further entrench and hurt him, then your husband's got a, I mean, it's y'all's money, by the way. You get an equal vote here, but.
27:18 Speaker 02 Right.
27:19 Dr. John Delony? Um. He's, he's going to follow his conscience, right?
27:25 Speaker 02 Yeah, I mean.
27:28 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's a struggle, but I mean, we'll get through it, but um, we did meet with an attorney and she had some good ideas as well.
27:38 Dr. John Delony? What were her ideas?
27:40 Speaker 02 Um, maybe a generation skip, but I don't think that solves it because...
27:46 Dr. John Delony? And those kids are gonna be raised Muslim, right?
27:49 Speaker 02 Correct.
27:50 Dr. John Delony? Yeah.
27:52 Speaker 02 Um...
27:52 Dr. John Delony? And a generation skip would, in my opinion, would not be values-based, it would be punishment-based.
28:00 Speaker 02 Hmm.
28:01 Dr. John Delony? Right?
28:01 Speaker 02 Yeah.
28:02 Dr. John Delony? Because if your husband's values are truly, "I will not support a Muslim family," mine or anybody else's, God, just saying that makes my skin crawl, but here we go. Like, I refuse to, then hold to that value. But if he says, "No, no, no, I want to take care of my grandkids,
28:25 Dr. John Delony? um, so I'm just gonna punish my son," that's a whole other level, right?
28:31 Speaker 02 Right.
28:35 Speaker 02 I don't know if he feels like it's punishing or, um,
28:40 Speaker 02 he just feels strongly about our faith.
28:45 Dr. John Delony? As he should, as I feel about mine.
28:48 Speaker 02 Right, and supporting a faith he totally doesn't get.
28:55 Dr. John Delony? Sure.
28:58 Speaker 02 So I'm, yeah. It's a pickle.
29:02 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, I, again, everybody's different on it. Um, I'm gonna look at the character of my son,
29:14 Dr. John Delony? character of my daughter,
29:17 Dr. John Delony? and their path forward, right?
29:20 Speaker 02 Right.
29:20 Dr. John Delony? Um,
29:24 Dr. John Delony? do you have other children?
29:26 Speaker 02 Yes, a daughter.
29:27 Dr. John Delony? A daughter. Um, how much are we talking here in this trust?
29:33 Speaker 02 I mean, I think it's pretty substantial, about nine mil.
29:38 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, that's, that's, that's a big, that's a big boy trust. Yeah.
29:45 Dr. John Delony? And so the other thing I would tell you is,
29:49 Dr. John Delony? I can't count the number of families I've sat with where one kid gets left out and the other kid gets everything.
29:57 Dr. John Delony? And the only thing that ensures is, is that I'm going to destroy my siblings' relationship with each other after we're gone too.
30:05 Speaker 02 Mm hmm. Yeah.
30:08 Speaker 02 That, yeah, we don't want them to be bickering.
30:12 Dr. John Delony? Right. Or I'm going to put my daughter in a position. Yeah, I'm going to put my daughter in a position to either, when y'all die, go ahead and move half of this over to brother. Or, and then violate my parents' wishes, right? Put her in an impossible situation.
30:28 Speaker 02 Exactly. And we wanted to make her trustee.
30:32 Speaker 02 But maybe that's not a great idea either.
30:43 Dr. John Delony? Yeah. You're right. You've got a pickle. Let me tell you this. I think the biggest pickle is between you and your husband, not the money.
30:52 Speaker 02 Right.
30:53 Dr. John Delony? Because you feel pretty strongly one way, don't you?
30:56 Speaker 02 Yeah.
30:59 Speaker 02 Yeah.
31:01 Dr. John Delony? Do you feel like your voice can be heard at the table?
31:04 Speaker 02 Yeah. Yeah, and he was amenable to some of the ideas.
31:11 Speaker 02 I mean, he's a great guy and he, he's just convicted, I guess. I don't know.
31:21 Speaker 02 And here's another thing that really bothers them is they don't believe in interest. Like, they don't believe in paying interest or receiving interest. So he's thinking, well, where's this money going to go?
31:34 Dr. John Delony? Has he sat down with his son?
31:37 Speaker 02 No, we probably need to.
31:39 Dr. John Delony? So of all of the big issues here, issue number one is if you're gonna make a stand based on principle and value, you better like you better have the courage to sit down and look at the person that you're taking the stand against and explain yourself.
32:03 Speaker 02 Yeah.
32:04 Dr. John Delony? That's courage, that's bravery, that's the that's the relational cost of taking a stand.
32:12 Speaker 02 Okay.
32:13 Dr. John Delony? And so if he has a lived problem to the tune of $4.5 million, to the tune of his relationship with his son, he needs to have the courage to sit down across the table from a grown man with with the wife with kids and lay it out.
32:36 Dr. John Delony? That's that's integrity.
32:38 Speaker 02 Right.
32:41 Speaker 02 Right.
32:43 Speaker 02 And that's probably what we need to do. Yep.
32:46 Dr. John Delony? I don't like the idea of your son bringing his family around and everybody playing like everything's okay.
32:54 Dr. John Delony? When it's not.
32:57 Speaker 02 Right. I mean, we've had our debates.
33:00 Dr. John Delony? Sure. Every family has debates. Me and my parents, God almighty, we have so many debates.
33:06 Speaker 02 Right. And he, our son, was really getting, um, not angry.
33:18 Speaker 02 I don't know what the word is, but even his wife told him, hey, settle down.
33:25 Speaker 02 I mean, we tried to talk about our faiths and we'd debate about it and he, you know, he was, wow. And now he's totally calmed down and he's. We don't even really talk about it much anymore.
33:39 Dr. John Delony? Sure.
33:39 Speaker 02 He knows where we're coming from and we know where he's coming from.
33:43 Dr. John Delony? Sure. And, and, and, and let's, let's parse it out. Whenever you switch faiths and you know it's going to cost you relationally, you have to make a choice to vigorously defend this decision.
33:55 Speaker 02 Mm hmm.
33:55 Dr. John Delony? Right? And so anytime somebody walks away from the faith, I expect there to be a blast radius to that.
34:03 Speaker 02 Mm hmm.
34:04 Dr. John Delony? Right? There has to be something that fills that emotional vacuum because I'm making a huge decision that may cost me my relationship, so I'm going to defend it vigorously, right? And as, as parents, our job is to stand firm emotionally, like, do, do, do, do, do, do, we love you. We love you.
34:20 Speaker 02 Right.
34:21 Dr. John Delony? Right? The challenge in your home is your husband's making an equally vigorous defense of his faith.
34:30 Speaker 02 Right.
34:30 Dr. John Delony? And he's just not saying anything.
34:34 Dr. John Delony? He's just making his moves under the table.
34:36 Speaker 02 Right.
34:37 Dr. John Delony? And so he's, your son may be getting angry, getting vigorous, like getting like, I'm debating loud. Your husband's like, all right, that's cool. I'm just going to move 4.5 million dollars away.
34:50 Dr. John Delony? That's a vigorous defense too. That's just, he's doing it silently.
34:54 Speaker 02 Right.
34:55 Dr. John Delony? And at least I would high five your son for having the courage to do it in your living room. Right?
34:59 Speaker 02 Right. Well, it was actually over a phone, but.
35:01 Dr. John Delony? Over the phone, right? Which is the stupidest way to have debates over anything.
35:06 Speaker 02 Or emails or whatever.
35:08 Dr. John Delony? Especially emails. Emails are the worst. Emails and texts, no chance. Um, phone calls are super lame in person because you see the living, breathing person there. And few debates
35:25 Dr. John Delony? like turn into personal attacks when somebody's like, hey, pass the, pass the asparagus, please. Right? Like it has a way of, which is why for your particular faith, I think the table, the metaphor is so important. Cause you, everybody's eating, everybody's looking at each other in the eye. You can see each other's eye crinkles and you can see each other's hair. You can see the grandkids right there. Like it has a way of breathing 360 degree life into a debate. That's why I just don't engage in online debates. They're just fruitless. They're two dimensional. They're not real. And so.
35:59 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, y'all got a pickle. The challenge I would put before your husband is he better be a person of integrity and have the courage to sit down in front of his son and say, it's my money, which it is, and I'm making this decision, period.
36:12 Dr. John Delony? And here's what I'm choosing to do with my, me and your mom's money.
36:18 Dr. John Delony? And you can sit by your husband and say, we're both in this together. You can look at, and say, I reject this. And if my husband passes away, I'm going to change it the day he passes away. You can decide these things. Y'all can decide these things. And you can look your husband as a matter of integrity, look your husband in the eye and say, if you die before me, I'm changing this trust.
36:39 Dr. John Delony? Y'all get to decide all those things, but it's going to be messy. I'll just ask that y'all hold your convictions tightly and do it with integrity. And that means not waiting till y'all both pass away and leaving your daughter to deal with the aftermath, or leaving your son staring up into the sky, asking a bunch of questions. Dad, why didn't you have the courage to talk to me?
37:02 Dr. John Delony? Yeesh, I can't help much on this one, other than y'all need to head straight through this thing one, straight through this thing together. When we come back, a woman asks how she can ask for more boundaries at home when family staying over is exhausting her. We'll be right back.
37:19 Dr. John Delony? Everything, and I mean everything, feels like it's off the rails. I've spent my entire career working in chaotic, wild situations behind closed doors, and I've never seen anything like what's going on in our world today. I want to challenge you to stop consuming all of the news, all of the chaos, all of the stress, even all of the sports scores, and spiritually ground yourself in the morning, in the evening, before you launch out into any madness. One of the ways I keep myself spiritually grounded in my faith is by using the Hallow app almost every single morning. Hallow is the number one Christian prayer meditation app in the world. The app has everything from scripture readings, to music,
38:01 Dr. John Delony? meditations, lecture series, stories, and more. It's worth checking out. You can try Hallow for free for three months at hallow.com/deloney and take back your sanity, especially before everyone else tries to take it from you. That's three months for free at hallow.com/deloney.
38:22 Dr. John Delony? All right, let's go to Omaha, Nebraska and talk to Lynn. Hey Lynn, what's up?
38:28 Speaker 03 Hi John.
38:29 Dr. John Delony? How we doing?
38:30 Speaker 03 Good, how are you?
38:32 Dr. John Delony? Doing alright, what's up?
38:35 Speaker 03 So, my question is, over the years, my husband and I have opened our home to people kinda going through different hard seasons in their life, um, if that's friends, if that's family, uh, but now we have uh, a handful of young children and just really starting to feel stretched thin and just kinda torn between helping others and being fully present with our own family and just from a faith-based perspective, we're just wondering, like, how can we set healthy boundaries without feeling like we're turning people away?
39:11 Dr. John Delony? What you're asking is, how do I do the next right thing for each other and for our family and not have a certain feeling about it?
39:20 Speaker 03 Yeah.
39:21 Dr. John Delony? And I wanna tell you, there's no such thing as that.
39:25 Dr. John Delony? And so, the question here is not, how do I do a thing to avoid a uncomfortable feeling? And it is to pick the next right action and feel those feelings and then go do the next right thing.
39:39 Dr. John Delony? Because here's the thing, you're gonna have uncomfortable feelings if you have a bunch of little kids and you have struggling people
39:48 Dr. John Delony? in your house too.
39:50 Speaker 03 Mm-hmm.
39:50 Dr. John Delony? And you're gonna have uncomfortable feelings if, for a season, you and your husband say, "Hey, we gotta refill our pitcher, we have a ton going on." And so, we used to be able to do these things and we're in a place right now where we can't do those things, or we can't do them as much, and that might make you feel a certain way. But either way, you're gonna have hard feelings, and so my challenge to y'all would be, what hard feelings do we want to have in the middle of our spirits, in the middle of our chest, and then what's the next right thing we need to do for us right now?
40:23 Speaker 03 Yeah, because I'm just afraid of like with um people like staying over um that the focus becomes on the person that's staying and then um our children like don't get the attention that they feel like they want or like say um they're needing mom or dad to put them down for the night and somebody's deep in a conversation and they can't uh be there for them where the other parent would have to like step in and go do that but it's just like them wanting mom and dad and maybe mom and dad aren't like fully available.
41:00 Dr. John Delony? Well, and I would put that back on mom and dad.
41:02 Speaker 03 Yeah.
41:04 Dr. John Delony? I've got a rotating cast of characters that come to my house and often for folks who are struggling, it's important for them to see I have a list of priorities. And priority one is my wife, priority two is my kids, priority three is you, my guest here in my house.
41:25 Speaker 03 Gotcha.
41:26 Dr. John Delony? Right? And so even
41:29 Speaker 03 Yeah.
41:30 Dr. John Delony? Like the the example you just gave me there, stopping somebody in the middle of a conversation and saying, hey, we're deep in it, but I need 15 minutes to go take care of my kids.
41:39 Speaker 03 Yeah.
41:40 Dr. John Delony? And somebody that doesn't honor that, or if you think this conversation is so important that 15 minute break will destroy yada, yada, yada, you you're taking on way too much responsibility for somebody else.
41:53 Speaker 03 I understand.
41:55 Dr. John Delony? Does that make sense? And so
41:58 Speaker 03 Yeah.
41:59 Dr. John Delony? Really, it's, uh, tell me if I'm wrong here, is the deeper question. Uh, let me see if I can phrase this the right way. Tell me where you're just exhausted.
42:15 Speaker 03 Uh, it's just exhausting when uh we currently have like one young adult that's currently full time living in the house and
42:30 Speaker 03 Therefore, we have their, you know, emotions and moods that they go through and then they have their questions that they ask and whatnot and eventually they're planning to like move away. But, uh, then we also have a family member that's been staying with us on a weekend and they are advancing age and we're working on their health getting better. But with young children, I am just getting to the point of exhaustion with that one because I'm like constantly picking up, trying to make sure that nothing's in the way so this person doesn't trip or fall over in our house and it's just like, I feel like my brain is
43:11 Speaker 03 trying to tend to somebody who's in our house, but then also tending to my children that are just being children. They're, they're into everything. They're running around, they're having fun and also trying to maintain them.
43:24 Dr. John Delony? Right. How old are your kids?
43:26 Speaker 03 Uh, they are all under the age of five.
43:30 Dr. John Delony? How many?
43:31 Speaker 03 The youngest being, um, I have four.
43:33 Dr. John Delony? Oh, good God almighty.
43:35 Speaker 03 The youngest is about a month old and I'm going crazy there.
43:39 Dr. John Delony? Yes, yes. Um, tell me about this adult that's staying full-time with y'all.
43:43 Speaker 03 Uh, she's currently like in undergrad school and, um, she has been living with us, uh, out of a personal choice and we're glad to have her, but she's had her own like struggles, uh, and we've always been there as like second parents for her and sometimes, you know, with them being young, it's like they think they know it all and trying to be there isn't a guide for them. It, it, we can get into some really deep conversations.
44:30 Dr. John Delony? Can I ask you a hard question?
44:33 Speaker 03 Yeah.
44:34 Dr. John Delony? Is she staying with y'all because she desperately needs this? Or is she staying with y'all because y'all need it?
44:44 Speaker 03 Kind of a bit of both, I would say.
44:46 Dr. John Delony? So, this is a hard thing to say to somebody with such a caring heart, okay?
44:52 Dr. John Delony? For you and your husband.
44:56 Dr. John Delony? But it can be really easy for people with big hearts to begin to use people who are struggling to make themselves feel better.
45:06 Dr. John Delony? Or as a distraction from the chaos and boredom and madhouse-ness that it is having five kids under, I mean, four kids under the age of five.
45:18 Speaker 03 I mean, I don't feel like we're using.
45:21 Dr. John Delony? I know you don't feel like that way. I'm just saying.
45:25 Dr. John Delony? Let me tell you this, I want to free you to be able to sit down and say, hey, the semester's coming to an end. Come July 1, you're gonna have to find another place to live.
45:38 Speaker 03 Yeah.
45:39 Dr. John Delony? And we'll still be here for you. You can come by on the weekends and do laundry. But we're caring for an elderly family member. And we've got four kids under the age of five. Our house has gotten too chaotic and our time is getting split.
45:51 Speaker 03 Mm-hmm.
45:58 Dr. John Delony? What scares you about saying that? Or what makes you uncomfortable about saying that?
46:09 Speaker 03 That I'm feeling like we don't care about her.
46:12 Dr. John Delony? I don't think anything...
46:16 Dr. John Delony? They would have to choose to see that, to make up a story about y'all. Because everything up until now and beyond, caring for somebody doesn't mean I bury myself and my children for you to be satisfied.
46:33 Dr. John Delony? Caring is saying, here's the capacity I have. In fact, here's the overflow of the capacity I have. And in this season, this is what I've got.
46:42 Speaker 03 Yeah.
46:42 Dr. John Delony? But caring doesn't mean doing everything for somebody else all the time, forever.
46:49 Speaker 03 Yeah. And I know that they have to grow up and be responsible for themselves and everything, too. It's just been kind of the nurturing isn't trying to help as in like, understanding this is a real world and how do you take it on?
47:07 Dr. John Delony? And that's, that's where, I'll meet you for coffee once a week.
47:12 Speaker 03 Yeah.
47:12 Dr. John Delony? You can come on the weekends and do laundry.
47:16 Dr. John Delony? But we have a thousand kids. I need, I need some space back. Right? And how old is this, how is this young adult?
47:24 Speaker 03 Uh, 21.
47:25 Dr. John Delony? Okay, I wouldn't, yeah, she needs to go get her own place. But I also would not expect her to fully understand.
47:37 Dr. John Delony? And so part of being in a mentor relationship is dealing with emotional immaturity of the people you're mentoring. That's part of it.
47:44 Speaker 03 Mm-hmm.
47:44 Dr. John Delony? Not making sure they're always happy with you. That's not mentoring. That's people pleasing.
47:54 Speaker 03 Yeah.
47:56 Dr. John Delony? Or, as my buddy, Will Goddard, I just, I think I just told this on another show, but my buddy Will Goddard, he's one of the greatest restaurateurs in the world. And he told me that he always, used to tell his staff, the first thing y'all do before,
48:13 Dr. John Delony? people coming to eat at this restaurant come in the door, is y'all have to go back to the kitchen and fill your pitcher up. So you can spend the rest of the evening serving.
48:22 Speaker 03 Yeah.
48:23 Dr. John Delony? And otherwise, you're no good to the people who are at the restaurant because you don't have any water in your pitcher. It's empty.
48:33 Dr. John Delony? And so for y'all this season,
48:37 Dr. John Delony? you need four or five years of
48:42 Dr. John Delony? getting your kids raised up, right? And I love my kids seeing people come stay at our house. I love them knowing dad stepping out, mom stepping out to go sit with somebody who's hurting. But they can never know that that's at the expense of them and it never is. It can't be because I have to get my priorities right.
49:01 Speaker 03 Yeah.
49:07 Speaker 03 Because that is like my biggest concern like moving forward since they're so young. But I just don't want them to feel like they flip through the cracks or we're not putting enough attention into them as they are growing up. Because I mean, our oldest is growing in personality and that's where I just don't want them to lose their spark or lose who they should be because we're not investing like we should be into them.
49:38 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, I wouldn't worry about that too much because they're watching mom and dad be people of service.
49:44 Dr. John Delony? And so I, I don't, I wouldn't worry about that.
49:49 Dr. John Delony? I guess my biggest worry, if you were going to allow this 21 year old to stay, that 21 year old needs some major responsibilities around the house. That 21 year old needs to pay rent. That 21 year old needs to help pick up around the house with the kids.
50:02 Speaker 03 Yeah.
50:03 Dr. John Delony? Like that 21 year old needs to be out playing with the five and four year old and that 21 year old needs to be babysitting once a week. So you and your husband can get out and have a date.
50:12 Speaker 03 That would be nice.
50:14 Dr. John Delony? No, but hold on, you're, you're acting like this is all happening to you.
50:21 Dr. John Delony? And I want you to take full ownership. You started the call, I wrote it down. We allow them to move in.
50:29 Dr. John Delony? So you and your husband have made this set of choices, which means, this is what's awesome. I hope this is empowering. Y'all can make different choices.
50:38 Speaker 03 Yeah.
50:39 Dr. John Delony? Ta-da, that's awesome.
50:42 Dr. John Delony? But you're, you're trapped in a cage and the lock is on the inside.
50:46 Speaker 03 Yeah.
50:50 Dr. John Delony? And most people don't realize how scary it is to step outside of the cage we've built for ourselves.
51:01 Speaker 03 Yeah, that makes sense.
51:04 Dr. John Delony? Let me say it in an easier way. You're a pretty great woman and your husband's a pretty great guy. And if you tell this 21-year-old, "It's time for you to go get your own place.
51:16 Dr. John Delony? Here's how we can invest in you further," but we have a jillion kids here right now and we're caring for an elderly family member, we're at capacity.
51:26 Dr. John Delony? Anything other than, "Y'all have been the most amazing people ever. I'm so grateful for y'all," anything other than that is on her. Y'all have gone above and above and above and above and beyond. Right? But I want you and your husband to sit down and not feel like you're trapped.
51:46 Dr. John Delony? Because ultimately, I don't want y'all using this 21-year-old as a way to either avoid dealing with the reality of four kids under five. I don't want you to use this other adult as a way to make yourself feel like y'all are good people.
52:01 Dr. John Delony? And if you're really invested in mentoring a 21-year-old, then we're gonna help you go apartment shopping. We're gonna help you build a bridge back to your parents if possible. We're gonna help you get your first job. Not we're not gonna help you get your first job, that's your job, but we're gonna help you go shopping for your work clothes or whatever. But it's time to let 21-year-old bird fly.
52:25 Dr. John Delony? And if you're gonna stay, you're gonna have a bunch of responsibilities. You're gonna be a live-in nanny, because we got a lot of help that we need around here, because this place is a zoo! So, thanks for the call, and I'm really grateful. You're a good, good person. But I want you and your husband to be honest about what do we need to do to refill our pitcher. Not tonight, but in this next season. And your season's gonna be several years long. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back.
52:52 Dr. John Delony? This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Summer is here and everything changes this time of year. The kids are out of school, routines go out the window, you're traveling more, and you're probably sleeping less. And if you're not careful, you can end up running on fumes. I know, I'm already there. If you don't slow down and take care of yourself, all that stress doesn't just disappear. It shows up in your body, in your work, in your relationships, in your patients. It shows up everywhere and you find yourself not talking to anyone and just going inside yourself. And this is why I'm a big fan of BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that matches you with a licensed therapist based on your goals and preferences.
53:35 Dr. John Delony? All of their therapists follow a strict code of conduct and you can message your therapist and schedule sessions right in the app. If it's not the right fit, you can switch anytime at no extra cost. You don't have to carry everything by yourself this summer. Go to betterhelp.com/deloney to get 10% off. That's betterhelp, H E L P, dot com slash deloney.
54:00 Dr. John Delony? All right, Kelly, got a cool update. What is it?
54:03 Speaker 04 So we had a guy that was on the show a couple of months ago that wanted to know about, well, he had decided to step away from like politics and news and all that and how it was kind of ruining his life and he'd even lost a friendship over it. And he wondered if that was the right idea. And so he sent in a, an update. So I wanted to read it.
54:20 Dr. John Delony? It'd be so funny if he was like, "I'm so lost, I hate you." I mean, rad.
54:25 Speaker 04 No, it was, it's great. So, "Over the past couple of months, I've been meeting with a therapist for BetterHelp and it's helped him mentally. I realized that most of my problems were caused by alcohol abuse, anxiety, anger, et cetera. It's been something I've struggled to kick, to deal with for years and I've not been able to kick it. I'm happy to say that I've gone almost a month with practically nothing to drink. I've had one drink on two occasions with my family and immediately regretted it and I think I'm to the point now of saying I'm officially done. My wife said that I've been significantly happier and much more enjoyable to be around since making these changes. And she said I didn't sound like an idiot when I called in."
55:00 Speaker 04 Also, when it comes to my friend of 25 years that stopped talking to me due to politics, well, I decided to write him a letter, an old-school handwritten letter. Dr. John didn't tell me to, but I've heard him give the advice a million times, so I figure I would try it. I simply said how I hate that we stopped talking because of politics, that I missed having him as a friend, and that how I never have and never will have anyone who cares, that I wouldn't care who anybody votes for. He reached out and we are on speaking terms again. A massive thank you to John and a massive thank you to everyone who helps make the show possible, even Kelly.
55:33 Dr. John Delony? God, you always add that at the end of every call.
55:35 Speaker 04 I know, but this one was a little less like, "Hey, Kelly's great." It was just like, "Yeah, even Kelly as well." So, figured it was fair.
55:42 Dr. John Delony? Hey dude, what's that guy's name?
55:44 Speaker 04 Justin.
55:45 Dr. John Delony? Justin. Justin, you're doing the work, man, I'm proud of you. And to his friend who got the letter and reached back out, good on you, brother. Like, that's how relationships mend, that's how this culture's gonna mend, is people saying, "I messed up, I still love you, I hope you'll love me back." And especially men picking up the phone and saying, "Yeah, I'm still here." Awesome. Love you guys, bye.
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