Why Do I Compulsively Lie to My Wife About Money?

🔥 Microhabits for a better marriage. Download the Together app. On today’s episode, we hear about: A husband who compulsively lies to his wife about money A couple trying to navigate in-law relationships A man wondering how to co-parent with his difficult ex Next Steps: ❤️ Get away with your spouse today! 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Why do I compulsively lie to my wife around money? I made the money. Uh, she was a stay-at-home mom. She's already got a hard enough time. Um, you know, kids, postpartum depression. She doesn't need this stress. It's my job, so I'll fix it.

• 0:14Dr. John Delony?

  If you wanted her to not worry about it, you would've just got a second and a third job.

• 0:25Dr. John Delony?

  What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Delone Show. So glad you're with us, talking about your mental and emotional health, your kids, your marriages, your dating relationships, whatever you've got going on. Thanks for being with us. Let's roll out to Denver, Colorado, and talk to Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike. What's up, Mike?

• 0:47Speaker 00

  Hey, what's up, doc?

• 0:48Dr. John Delony?

  How we doing, homie?

• 0:50Speaker 00

  Not too bad. How are you?

• 0:51Dr. John Delony?

  I'm good, brother. What's up with you?

• 0:53Speaker 00

  Good. I, you know, longtime listener, first-time caller.

• 0:57Dr. John Delony?

  Nice. Dude, I don't get enough of those. I wish I got that more often. That's awesome.

• 1:02Speaker 00

  I got you.

• 1:02Dr. John Delony?

  So what's up?

• 1:04Speaker 00

  So, I got a question for you, and the immediate answer is probably kinda obvious, and that's something that me and my wife have kinda, um, dealt with. So I was wondering if we could kinda get to the question behind the question.

• 1:19Dr. John Delony?

  Let's do it. Give me the, give me the first question.

• 1:22Speaker 00

  Yeah. So it's how or why? Why do I compulsively lie to my wife around money? Is, is kinda the headline.

• 1:32Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 1:33Speaker 00

  Um, and then the story is several... My wife and I have been married for nine years here in a week. Um, we got four kids. Um, our youngest was just born right after Thanksgiving. Um, so several years ago, soon after, we bought our first house and started having kids. Um...

• 1:56Speaker 00

  Two things kinda got away from us and that was money and mental health. Um, and the way money had always kinda worked with us is I, I made the money. Uh, she was a stay at home mom and I kinda just would, she, she wouldn't really like look at the money much. I would just kinda keep her informed and when money got tight, I didn't wanna have those conversations. So I kinda just breezed over it and said, we're good, we're good, we're good.

• 2:25Dr. John Delony?

  Why, why didn't you wanna have those conversations?

• 2:28Speaker 00

  Um, I didn't want her to know that we didn't have as much money as I told her that we did.

• 2:35Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about that.

• 2:38Speaker 00

  Um.

• 2:39Dr. John Delony?

  And by the way, I, I, I'm, I'm trying to be a little more demonstrative to the people listening.

• 2:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:44Dr. John Delony?

  Um, whenever somebody says that they're struggling with being honest, it's really easy to fall into a script, right? And so I'm intentionally interrupting that script to try to, to get to the bottom of the bottom. Okay? So.

• 2:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, I got you.

• 2:57Dr. John Delony?

  You're looking at a, at a wife who's pregnant, who has a toddler and you're afraid to tell her how much money, what your real money situation is.

• 3:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:06Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about that.

• 3:08Speaker 00

  Um, I guess like there were, there were two things that, you know, kinda went through my mind with those was I was like, um, you know, she's already got hard enough time, um, you know, kids, postpartum depression. She doesn't need this stress. It's my job, so I'll fix it. Um, and then the other one was, you know, a, a bit of pride. I grew up with a bunch of brothers. We're very competitive in a lot of things and, um, you know, always trying to outperform and make sure she had anything that she wanted. Um.

• 3:46Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Can I call you out? Is it cool? Like you know, we're on the same team, right?

• 3:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:51Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. If you wanted her to not worry about it, you would've just got a second and a third job. So that part of that story, oh, you did do that?

• 4:00Speaker 00

  Oh, I, I, yeah, I, I was working all the time.

• 4:03Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So the next thing, tell me about your brothers.

• 4:08Speaker 00

  Um, I remember I, I have a, my, my parents didn't have cable, so I, I have ten siblings.

• 4:15Dr. John Delony?

  Ten siblings?

• 4:17Speaker 00

  Yes, sir.

• 4:18Dr. John Delony?

  Dude, I'm telling you, we need to cancel cable in this country. Just turn the internet off. We'll fix the population issue like in a month. Golly, ten kids.

• 4:27Speaker 00

  I'm number, I'm number seven in that lineup. There were, uh, three girls and the rest were all boys.

• 4:34Dr. John Delony?

  How were you seen?

• 4:37Speaker 00

  How was what?

• 4:37Dr. John Delony?

  How were you seen? What was your role among those ten?

• 4:42Speaker 00

  Um, not big. Um, yeah, and when I was nine, um, we, we moved from California to Colorado and my two oldest brothers, um, were killed in a car accident.

• 4:59Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. What were their names?

• 5:03Speaker 00

  Um, Gene and James.

• 5:08Dr. John Delony?

  In your memories of them, are they pretty awesome?

• 5:13Speaker 00

  Um, James was, yeah. Uh, they were, they were both pretty cool. Yeah.

• 5:19Dr. John Delony?

  How old were you when they died?

• 5:22Speaker 00

  Um, it was a month before my tenth birthday.

• 5:28Dr. John Delony?

  Dude, I'm sorry, man.

• 5:34Dr. John Delony?

  So, bring me to now. You have four kids. How, how old's the oldest?

• 5:40Speaker 00

  Seven.

• 5:41Dr. John Delony?

  Seven. So you got seven. You got four kids, seven and under. That means your house is chaos, huh?

• 5:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:48Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Are you still lying to your wife?

• 5:51Speaker 00

  No. So, um, let's see. A, a few years ago, um, lives had kind of come to a head. Um, I was not able to outwork our spending, you know, and, um, and so I, I came clean and it really, it, you know, it blew my marriage up quite a bit. We had to, I, I went to my sister and my brother-in-law and we, um, I had to get a loan from them to catch up. We did, you know, together. Um, got a loan from them to catch up on our mortgage and a bunch of bills.

• 6:26Dr. John Delony?

  How bad was it?

• 6:26Speaker 00

  They put us on. Um, I was about, it was about thirty-five thousand dollars. Uh, we were three months behind on the mortgage. Um,

• 6:37Speaker 00

  And we were about, when we totaled up all of our debt, we had, we were about, we had no money in the bank and thirty-five grand uh in different loans that we had to pay back pretty quick. Um, so he

• 6:51Dr. John Delony?

  Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Wha- what were you, what were you buying? That you missed your mortgage three months?

• 6:59Speaker 00

  Um, I just, this was also during COVID, um, where you didn't necessarily have to pay your mortgage for a long time and they wouldn't come looking. So I was, I was, I was, I was running scared.

• 7:12Dr. John Delony?

  I know, but what were you buying, dude? What were you buying?

• 7:16Speaker 00

  So this is really embarrassing, but when my sister and brother-in-law pulled our bank statements,

• 7:22Dr. John Delony?

  Hold on, hold on, hold on. I want you to tell me what you were buying. You take ownership. What were y'all buying?

• 7:28Speaker 00

  Yeah. Like twenty-five hundred bucks a month eating out.

• 7:33Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 7:34Speaker 00

  Um, Instagram shop, Amazon, um,

• 7:39Dr. John Delony?

  So y'all just like pissed it away? It was just crap?

• 7:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, like a ridiculous amount in subscriptions that we weren't keeping track of. It was, it was, it was embarrassing. Yeah, it was horrible.

• 7:51Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So eventually the bank wants their money and you had to go

• 7:58Dr. John Delony?

  beg, borrow, and steal from your, from your family members. You know, got it squared up. That was a few years ago. Bring me to now and ask, and tell me how I can help you right now.

• 8:06Speaker 00

  Yeah. Sorry. I know it's twisted.

• 8:08Dr. John Delony?

  No, it's not twisted. It's just, it's just, it feels like a diversion from what the real issue is right now.

• 8:14Speaker 00

  Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I'm, I'm guessing I'm trying to give context. Um, so we, we got them paid back. We're squared away. We're, we're doing better. We have our fourth kid, um, and my wife tells me, hey, as I go into postpartum, I would like to step back from managing the money for a few months. You got it. And I said, yes. And Business got slow and started getting behind again and I like immediately, you know, because we weren't doing the money together anymore, immediately started saying, oh yeah, like, you know, I, I got that covered and everything and we started slipping behind

• 8:55Speaker 00

  again. And, um, it was only for a couple of months. I kinda came to, I, I realized what I was doing. Um, and so I, I came to her again. I came clean and we, you know, kinda went through everything again, pulled credit, all, all the stuff. So, you know, nothing's hitting, hidden. But I, I, I guess what I'm, what I'm wondering is why, why is it my go-to move to tell her, to not want to tell her bad news about money specifically?

• 9:32Dr. John Delony?

  You tell me.

• 9:32Speaker 00

  Cause I-

• 9:33Dr. John Delony?

  I don't know. You tell me.

• 9:34Speaker 00

  (laugh)

• 9:35Dr. John Delony?

  Well, like, what, what do you, what do you, um, let me, let me ask you this question. Where else are you dishonest in your life?

• 9:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:46Dr. John Delony?

  It, it, it, it would be a psychological improbability of the highest statistical order for this to be the only place where you fudge.

• 9:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:56Dr. John Delony?

  Where, where else are you not honest? Retelling old high school stories with your, with some of your customers, business stuff, like romanticizing old things. Do you have a pornography addiction? Do you, you like have a substance abuse that you don't talk about? Like where else are you not fully yourself?

• 10:14Speaker 00

  Yeah. And that's something we've dug into too. And I-

• 10:19Dr. John Delony?

  Stop saying we. Stop saying we. I'm asking you. You.

• 10:22Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 10:22Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. I want you to take the, like, you're really good at saying, there's this problem and then you run under and ask a whole bunch of people to hold the bar with you. I just want you to hold this weight bar for a second, okay? And feel it.

• 10:33Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 10:34Dr. John Delony?

  All right?

• 10:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:35Dr. John Delony?

  Where else are you not fully yourself? Where else do you, um, head showing up as yourself, just being your full self and you're not honest with people? Where else do you lie?

• 10:45Speaker 00

  Yeah. Um, I have a really hard time just telling a story how it happened.

• 10:53Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 10:54Speaker 00

  I, I embellish excessively.

• 10:56Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 10:58Dr. John Delony?

  To who? Everybody?

• 11:01Speaker 00

  Everybody.

• 11:01Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 11:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:03Dr. John Delony?

  And, in, in... This, this has a therapeutic purpose. Where in this story today have you fudged a little bit?

• 11:17Speaker 00

  I don't see anywhere that I did.

• 11:19Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. All right, I'll trust it.

• 11:21Speaker 00

  I've been trying really hard to kind of weigh my words and make sure, you know, I'm showing up honestly.

• 11:26Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. My guess is...

• 11:30Dr. John Delony?

  And, and dude, there can be a thousand reasons retroactively that we could dig into over the course of three or four months, and it probably has some usefulness to it. But here's the important thing. You don't like who you see in the mirror, for whatever reason.

• 11:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:48Dr. John Delony?

  And you don't like the jet blast that is other people fully seeing you.

• 11:56Dr. John Delony?

  And your whole life is you trying to dodge shadows, and bro, that is so exhausting for you and the people around you.

• 12:06Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 12:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:08Dr. John Delony?

  And to kick you while you're down, your kids are absorbing every bit of this. And they're at this story, and they hear you retell it to somebody else, and that's how they're learning to filter truth and reality.

• 12:25Dr. John Delony?

  Fair?

• 12:26Speaker 00

  Yeah. Fair.

• 12:27Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. This... The healing here starts in two places. One,

• 12:34Dr. John Delony?

  commit to

• 12:37Dr. John Delony?

  not always telling the truth, because that's a given. Commit to saying, "I need to start over with this story."

• 12:47Dr. John Delony?

  And have one or two or three people that know that you're trying to work on this, your wife included, especially her, and ask for grace in those moments.

• 12:59Dr. John Delony?

  But you have to practice feeling I'm starting to tell a story that's not fully true.

• 13:07Dr. John Delony?

  And it has a, it has a consequence in your body. You never feel that consequence because you're so slippery and able to move and maneuver out until the whole thing crashes down on you.

• 13:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:19Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 13:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:23Dr. John Delony?

  The second thing is, is you have to do some spiritual practice to look in the mirror and put your fist in your chest and say, "I love this guy."

• 13:32Dr. John Delony?

  "This guy's worth being a dad. This guy's worth being married to."

• 13:37Dr. John Delony?

  Because if you don't believe that, you're always gonna hide.

• 13:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:45Dr. John Delony?

  What is it you don't like about you?

• 13:47Speaker 00

  Believe it or not.

• 13:48Dr. John Delony?

  Why?

• 13:50Speaker 00

  Um.

• 13:55Speaker 00

  That's...

• 13:58Speaker 00

  That's probably been a constant, uh...

• 14:02Speaker 00

  I don't remember a time where I did like myself.

• 14:05Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 14:08Dr. John Delony?

  That, my brother, is the statement you make when you walk into a counselor's office for the first time.

• 14:23Dr. John Delony?

  And you will heal your family line doing that.

• 14:36Dr. John Delony?

  Are you in?

• 14:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's...

• 14:43Speaker 00

  I've actually done one-on-one therapy twice, so that's, um... I do believe I am the first person in my family to do that outside of my life.

• 14:53Dr. John Delony?

  You've gone to two sessions or you've gone to two different series? Okay.

• 14:57Speaker 00

  No, I've gone, uh, two, two sessions.

• 14:59Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. And you probably did your gymnastics dance in there and it was all fine and good. I want you to go in there and be honest.

• 15:08Speaker 00

  She, it was a therapist who we've seen as a marriage counselor before, but I've never done much talking and she, she called me out on the gymnastics pretty quick.

• 15:19Dr. John Delony?

  Good, good. And can I ask another question here that's hard for you to say?

• 15:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:27Dr. John Delony?

  Is your wife somebody who allows you to be honest with her?

• 15:30Speaker 00

  She is, yeah.

• 15:33Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Cause sometimes I know people who hedge the truth because they're married to somebody who will weaponize it. Doesn't make it right, but it'll weaponize it.

• 15:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. She's, it's, that's not her.

• 15:46Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. How old is that little baby you're holding right now?

• 15:49Speaker 00

  Uh, that's my three-year-old you hear in the car seat behind me.

• 15:54Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, hold on.

• 15:55Speaker 00

  My baby's five months old.

• 15:57Dr. John Delony?

  That three-year-old needs a dad who believes in himself. That three-year-old needs a dad who loves himself enough to take care of himself so that he can be a sturdy anchor for the rest of that family.

• 16:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:11Dr. John Delony?

  Fair?

• 16:12Speaker 00

  Fair.

• 16:13Dr. John Delony?

  And you're worth being loved when your business is down and you're worth being loved when your business is good and you're worth being loved when you have to sit down with your wife and say, I messed up again, let me retell the story. And you're worth being loved when you are five months sober from lying to anybody at any, at any place. But I, I just gotta tell you, brother, you're worth telling the truth. Okay?

• 16:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:36Dr. John Delony?

  And you're worth being seen for all that you are. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Your wife has to see you and she has to know you. And by the way, giving her a path that she can celebrate you, super helpful, man. It's one of the pillars of marriage. And like, like an alcoholic, um, somebody struggles with alcohol, it's tempting after two, three, four years to be like, dude, I'm good now, I can have a drink. You can't. So the next time she says, hey, will you just take the money for a while, say, no, we do this together. We're gonna do this together. I might make the first draft of a budget or I might make the first draft of here's

• 17:21Dr. John Delony?

  what our bills are this month, but we're gonna do this together.

• 17:26Dr. John Delony?

  Because I'm not, I'm not gonna have one more drink. I can do this by myself. And that's just you loving you well so that you can show up and love everybody else. I've gotta be in service to myself so that I'm anchored enough that people can anchor into. And you're worth it. But make that call today and sit down with a counselor and say, "I have real bad self-talk and I haven't liked myself for years. And it's time for me to turn the page on that story. I gotta write something new." Thanks for the call, homie. When we come back, a woman asks how to help her husband build a better relationship with her parents. All right, I'm super jazzed to tell you about a brand-new sponsor, Capstone Wellness.

• 18:08Dr. John Delony?

  I've spent a vast majority of my career working with teenagers and young adults and their families. And I know from personal experience that finding help and care for your teenager or young adult is a nightmare. If you're a parent or your teenage or young adult son, age 14 to 28, is struggling with trauma, addiction, mental health challenges, or destructive behaviors, and you're running out of options, I want you to consider residential treatment care. Capstone Treatment Center is a residential treatment program for young men. In this live-in therapeutic setting, your son can fully step away from the chaos of the world for a few months or longer and into a structured environment with trained licensed clinicians.

• 18:49Dr. John Delony?

  This is daily intensive work that has the power to transform your son's life and your family's life. And listen, I know folks at Capstone. It is Christ-centered, but they care for all types of people in all walks of life. If somebody close to me had a son who needed this level of care, or if my son needed this level of care, Capstone would be my first call. Residential treatment is a very serious investment in money, time, and energy, because the level of care is completely different. Financial aid and other support is available. Go to capstonewellness.com/deloney to learn more. That's capstonewellness.com/deloney.

• 19:32Dr. John Delony?

  All right, good folks, Father's Day is coming up. And I want to tell everyone who's thinking about what they're gonna buy for the men in their life, listen, men are always hitting me up for Poncho shirts. I've been wearing Poncho shirts for years for one reason, they are the best. The original Poncho shirt is that go anywhere performance shirt. It's super lightweight, it's breathable, it's quick drying, and it's built for real life. And the ultralight has the same great fit with, get this, an even lighter feel. When it's hot outside like it is in Tennessee, that matters. Poncho shirts have stretch, they move with you, and even though they're light and soft, they are wicked tough. And here's the deal, they look sharp enough to wear to dinner, but they're comfortable

• 20:17Dr. John Delony?

  enough to wear all day. Just this weekend, my family went out for an after church lunch with my family. I was wearing a Poncho shirt, and then I wore that same shirt out in the kayaks out on the lake. Poncho shirts are the best. Go to ponchooutdoors.com/daloni and check out all their styles. This Father's Day, Poncho has their big daddy deal. Buy two shirts and get two free gifts like hats or tees for free. Keep one and send the other to one of the men in your life. He will love it. Ponchooutdoors.com/daloni for two free gifts when you buy two shirts.

• 20:58Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we're back. We have a couple on the line. Let's go out to May 1st. Hey, May, what's up?

• 21:04Speaker 02

  Hi, John.

• 21:06Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome, it's great to have you. Let me bring Richard on here. Hey, Richard, what's up, dude?

• 21:11Speaker 00

  Hey, I'm doing good, how are you?

• 21:13Dr. John Delony?

  All right, so we got May and Richard in Salt Lake City, Utah. Are y'all in the same house? Y'all in different locations?

• 21:19Speaker 02

  We're in different locations now.

• 21:21Dr. John Delony?

  All right, good, so y'all can't, so May can't hit you, Richard, that's good. Okay, so, what's going on? Uh, who wrote in?

• 21:30Speaker 02

  I did.

• 21:30Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, May, you go first.

• 21:33Speaker 02

  All right, so my question is, how can I help my husband build a better relationship with my parents? And then I'll give him context if you want it.

• 21:40Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I'd for sure do. This is a great, this is a great question. We get so many of this questions, so I'm glad y'all are here.

• 21:47Speaker 02

  Alright, so we started dating three years ago as teenagers, but lived in different states at the time. During the first few months we were together, my dad was deployed to Germany. This was my mom to run the house by herself, so she was always pretty stressed during that time. My husband was working full-time that summer, so most of our time together was with his family instead of mine. These circumstances made it difficult for my parents and husband to get to know each other and start building a relationship. Fast forward to now, we've been married for seven months and live in Utah where he grew up. Visiting my family makes both of us anxious, but especially my husband. It seems like he hides within himself and isn't his normal, often self when we are with my parents. And he describes it as feeling like he has to put on a performance for them.

• 22:33Speaker 02

  This makes visiting my family feel difficult, as I don't like seeing him not feel safe there, but I also really miss my family and feel like I'm losing a connection with them. We want visiting my family to be something fun to look forward to, but we don't really know where to start.

• 22:48Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 22:50Dr. John Delony?

  How, how old are you guys?

• 22:53Speaker 02

  Twenty.

• 22:53Dr. John Delony?

  Twenty.

• 22:57Dr. John Delony?

  Um.

• 23:01Dr. John Delony?

  Ah, okay, Richard, what do you, tell me, brother, what, like, what's it like showing up to your in-law's house?

• 23:08Speaker 00

  Um, it's, I don't know, it's weird. I think part of the problem is I've tried to develop a relationship with them, doing things like just texting them and doing things like that. And they just don't do relationships that way. And so it's made it hard for me to figure out how to build a connection with them. Um, and obviously, we started dating a few years ago. Um, and so we were both teenagers, driving to each other's houses, which was a few hours away. So it just made that hard too. Um, so I've tried a little bit, I definitely could have tried a lot better.

• 23:51Speaker 00

  I'm not trying to say I'm in the right here, but.

• 23:55Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, let me, let me just, let me just jump in here, okay?

• 23:57Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 23:58Dr. John Delony?

  Um.

• 24:02Dr. John Delony?

  I would just tell you both, it's all gonna be okay.

• 24:08Dr. John Delony?

  All right? Like, a 20-year-old rolling into an active-duty military father's home.

• 24:18Dr. John Delony?

  I don't know nobody say this, "Bro, you should be performing some." "You should be on your super-best behavior, tuck your shirt in, comb your hair, actually wear deodorant every day." Um, like, there should be some performance to that, May. Like, he needs to, like, that's just part of being a good, brand-new son-in-law, especially at the age of 20. If y'all were 32, and y'all just got married, and Richard's got his career cooking, and he owns a home and all that, totally different. But, in the eyes of your parents, he can feel them look at him as though he's barely not a teenager, because that's what he is, barely not a teenager.

• 25:00Dr. John Delony?

  And he is looking at them as though they're 1,000 years old. How old are your parents, by the way?

• 25:07Speaker 02

  My parents are in their early 50s.

• 25:08Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, to a 20-year-old, that, they might as well be a million years old. Right? It's like me hanging out with Kelly. It feels so, she feels so much older than me, right? And so, like, some of that, May, I want you to take the pressure off of yourself, and especially off of Richard.

• 25:28Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 25:29Dr. John Delony?

  And it's just gonna be awkward for a while, and that's the way it's supposed to go.

• 25:36Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let me put it this way. If a 20-year-old is married to my daughter, and he rolls into my house, being his full bro self, I'm gonna have a problem with him. I want him to come over and be on his best behavior. You know what I mean? And that doesn't mean he's not being authentic, that means he's being respectful and kind. So, what am I missing here, May?

• 25:59Speaker 02

  Um, I don't know. I think Richard is very, he's already very respectful and clean when he's totally himself with me at home.

• 26:08Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome.

• 26:09Speaker 02

  Like, I don't think that's the issue. It's, I think part of it is they, my parents and Richard build relationships very differently. My parents want to build memories and they want to go on adventures and go kayaking and horseback riding and all these things. Um, but Richard likes building relationships through communication and I'm wondering if there's something I can do to help like bridge that gap.

• 26:35Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, tell Richard we're going kayaking. Suck it up.

• 26:39Dr. John Delony?

  And, and, and Richard, like, I, I wouldn't even attempt to build a pseudo-relationship via text message with my new in-laws.

• 26:49Dr. John Delony?

  Um, it, it's, I was gonna say something awful. They build, I'll say it, they, they build relationships the right way, like in person, doing things together. Um, not like teenagers do, which is like texting each other back and forth. And y'all might get there eventually. Um, but I, I, I mean, yeah, if, if, if they're not gonna sit down and have deep conversations, that's not really how they roll, then you have a choice. Do I not want to be in a relationship with them? Or if they say, hey, we're all going horseback riding, you're like, alright, giddy up, I'm going, right? You, you get to pick. And I would tell you, as a guy that married into this family, say yes to adventures. That's actually one of my core, like, me

• 27:34Dr. John Delony?

  and my wife and our family, it's one of our core Deloney family values that we have on the wall at our house. Say yes to adventures. Put yourself in situations that you wouldn't normally other do with other people and let yourself, and if you fall off and break your arm, alright, probably, I'm not gonna do that anymore, right? And if you, but you might end up having a blast. You get what I'm saying?

• 27:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:57Dr. John Delony?

  Um, I, I think it's a tall order to ask your in-laws, like, hey, guys, can we not do things that y'all think are fun and family bonding? And instead, can we just like sit in a circle and, and chit chat or play truth or dare? I don't, I don't know. Um, but, May, did you grow up going on adventures? Or is your dad back from the military and he's just trying to make up for lost time?

• 28:20Speaker 02

  No, I grew up doing it. My dad was in the reserve and so I never moved as a kid.

• 28:25Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 28:26Speaker 02

  And we grew up on a farm in the middle of nowhere and so our backyard was the adventure.

• 28:31Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Do you lament those times or are you so happy to not be a part of that anymore? Or do you miss that sometimes?

• 28:40Speaker 02

  Um, there's things I miss, but there's a lot that my husband and I do now together that, you know, are similar and we've tried new things together. There's definitely things I miss, but I mean, I can always go home and do them with my parents.

• 28:55Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Richard, are you scared to go out and do wild things with them?

• 29:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'd be down.

• 29:01Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. I would, um,

• 29:07Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, unless you feel wildly unsafe and not unsafe in the like uncomfortable, because that's life. That's good. But in the, no, like I think I'm gonna fall off and break my neck, right? Um, I'll just tell you this.

• 29:22Dr. John Delony?

  My father-in-law was a professional rodeo guy who then moved to the pro bass circuit. And one of my favorite stories is the very first time I ever went home when I was dating my wife to his home in, in central west Texas. I said, hey, let's go fishing. And I was thinking we're gonna sit on the side of a bank and throw catfish lines. He's a pro bass fisherman. He took us out and it was snowing and there was snow like floating on the water. And that dude caught fish. You know what I caught? Hypothermia. And then for years he was like, hey, let's go, let's go hunting. And I was like, ah, I'm in grad school. I'm super smart and fancy. And he's like, let's go, I wanna take you out, I wanna take you out.

• 30:04Dr. John Delony?

  When I finally started saying yes to some of those adventures in my 30s, dude, it changed my entire life for the better. And so, um, all that to say is, man, if you have two in-laws that wanna be around you two, and they wanna love you, and they wanna go on adventures, as much as you can, say yes. And that's the place to find connection, even if the connection like ends up being not great. Um, you'll be connected over that wasn't that great, right? But I guess, I guess I'm, I feel like I'm missing something big here, or it's really a pretty simple response, and that is, y'all got married super young, they're still gonna try to think, they're still trying to parse apart,

• 30:47Dr. John Delony?

  um, it's just, she's barely not a teenager, but she's married now, so, like, and that's just, they're gonna need some time to, to unhook that responsibility they feel for you, May. Um, but otherwise, am I missing something big?

• 31:07Speaker 02

  Um, I'm not sure. I, I think this is more so Richard's part to tell.

• 31:15Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, yeah, Richard, am I missing something big? Um, like, does he secretly pull you aside, like, in the dark and be like, "I'm gonna kill you, boy"? Like, this, like, what am I missing?

• 31:27Speaker 00

  I, I don't know that you're missing too much. I've had weird interactions with them before.

• 31:36Dr. John Delony?

  Be, be, be open. Like, wha- what do you mean? Like, be direct. What does weird interaction mean?

• 31:41Speaker 00

  Like, very uncommon, but it was things like, um, we asked them to help us co-sign on a car. Uh, we wanted to get an electric car, and when it was both me and May on the phone talking to them, they were like fully on board, and then the next day, they called just me personally, and kind of gave me a good, solid talking to about why that wasn't a bad idea, and what I needed to do instead. Um, which, not to say they didn't have good advice, not all of it was pertinent to where I was at and what I was doing, but...

• 32:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, I don't know. I feel like is that what I'm trying to say?

• 32:23Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, totally. And here's the thing. You get to make up whatever story you want about that interaction. Interaction number one could be that they are trying their best to watch their teenage daughter marry a guy that they barely know. Who also is very different than how they have lived their life.

• 32:48Dr. John Delony?

  And how they quote unquote raised their daughter. And so when you called and said, hey, will you co-sign a loan? They're like, yeah. And then they thought about it overnight and they're like, no, the quickest way to break up a family is to enter into a financial agreement on a depreciating asset. By the way, we live on a farm. We don't drive electric vehicle, right? All that stuff. And so they called you back the next day and said, hey, this isn't a good idea. If you want to do this, here's a deal, whatever. And they talked to you, like maybe their culture, like they talked to you as the man of the house. Hey, you're a big enough boy to marry my daughter. Here's the deal. I'm gonna call you. You get to make up whatever story you want about that, which is they're mean and uncomfortable and deceitful and they went behind her back. Or,

• 33:30Dr. John Delony?

  I caught them off guard. They said yes, and then they thought and they wanted to be a little bit more wise and it might have been uncomfortable, but they're trying to do the best they can for me and for us. You get to carry whichever one of those stories you want. One of those stories is going to bring you closer together and one of those stories is going to keep you apart. You know what I'm saying?

• 33:48Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yeah, that's fair.

• 33:52Dr. John Delony?

  And if they're, if they're, I mean, part of me respects them. I mean, it's, they're May's parents, so I think May should have been on the phone on that call, right? But part of me also respects them like, hey, man, you, you're big enough boy to marry my daughter, then I'm gonna call you one on one and we're gonna have, we're gonna have a man to man talk or we're gonna have, we're gonna talk to you directly. Part of me kind of honors that. I, I like that they're treating you that way. And allowing you to grow into the role that you looked them in the eye and said, you were big enough to, to fill. And also, it's not 1920, so she should have been on the phone too. But alas, it happened as it happened. I, I just know this. I know that me and my in-laws had very different grow up cultures. I grew up in the burbs outside of a big city.

• 34:35Dr. John Delony?

  My in-laws grew up on acreage out in, in central west Texas. The more I have said yes to adventures with them,

• 34:46Dr. John Delony?

  the deeper and richer my relationship with them has become and just the more tons of fun I've had in life. And my goodness, man, what a blast. And by the way, it's been in reverse.

• 35:03Dr. John Delony?

  Now my wife takes my father-in-law on these cool adventures. My, my wife took her mom to New York and they went and had a blast. I mean, like it works in reverse too, but it started with me going first. And so I would tell you, man, make up as few stories as possible about your in-laws, recognize how hard it is, what they're doing. They're trying to love this new guy who drove several hours away when he's a teenager and married my daughter. And they're trying, man, and say yes to as many adventures as you can and make up as few stories about them as possible. And if they get abusive, respond to it, step up, man. And I just don't see that with them here. So feel your feelings, man, and then say yes to adventures whenever you possibly can. And

• 35:47Dr. John Delony?

  for whatever it's worth, I'm on team mom and dad when it comes to, don't ever ask a parents to co-sign on anything because it turns them into your banker too. And that just divides up relationships faster than many things. So thanks for the call, guys. Uh, good luck to your, to you and your marriage. Hang on the line. I'm gonna send you the together app. Get your marriage started off right. We'll get y'all plugged in and get y'all leaning back towards each other with an activity or two every single day from here on out. When we come back, a man asks how to be the best father to his daughter during divorce.

• 36:27Dr. John Delony?

  I have found myself reaching for one knife almost every single day of my life. It's a Montana Knife Company knife and I reach for it because it's good out in the woods. It's good out on the lake. It's good in my kitchen. It's good when I'm just carving up some fruit for my kids. Montana Knife Company makes the best knives on the planet, period. I bought a bunch of these knives over the years, long before they ever partnered with my show, and I use them all the time. Again, whether I'm hunting, fishing, my whole family uses them in the kitchen. I've even started buying them for gifts for friends and family because they are awesome. Montana Knife Company doesn't just make knives, they make tools

• 37:08Dr. John Delony?

  that people actually use every single day. And Montana Knife Company just built a brand new facility out in Montana, and they manufacture everything in-house, right here in the United States of America. When you pick up one of their knives, you will see and feel the difference. You're not just looking for something that's gonna sit in a drawer and get old and dull. Montana Knife Companies will be around forever. If you want knives that you will use every day of your life, and that your grandkids will fight over someday because the quality is that good, check out Montana Knife Company. Go to MontanaKnifeCompany.com and see what's in stock right now. That's MontanaKnifeCompany.com.

• 37:49Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go right back to Salt Lake City, Utah, dude. This is the show of the Utes and talk to Action Jackson. What's up, Jackson?

• 37:58Speaker 00

  Hey, I'm doing okay. How about you?

• 38:00Dr. John Delony?

  I'm good, brother. What's up with you, man?

• 38:03Speaker 00

  Hey, so I wanted to get some advice and ask you. Right now, I'm currently going through a very messy divorce.

• 38:10Dr. John Delony?

  Uh-oh.

• 38:11Speaker 00

  And I was wondering how I can be the best person of integrity and the best dad to my 10-month-old daughter.

• 38:20Dr. John Delony?

  Golly. How long have you been married?

• 38:25Speaker 00

  Been married for about two and a half years.

• 38:26Dr. John Delony?

  Ooh, that didn't last long. What happened?

• 38:29Speaker 00

  Um, it was, um, it was a pretty unfortunate marriage. It just, she just was very, um, controlling, and, um, there was actually a lot of emotional abuse going on in the home, and, um, that's kind of why I've been struggling is because still right now, even though we're separated and we're trying to, or, I don't know how much she's even willing to co-parent with me right now, but, um, it's just, it still seems like there is, um, just abusive comments and control still ongoing, and I'm trying to navigate that while taking care

• 39:10Speaker 00

  of my daughter and starting a new job, and it just feels very, very overwhelming.

• 39:17Dr. John Delony?

  So you're using big like therapeutic counselor-y words. Describe to me what abusive comments and controlling comments and overwhelm. Describe to me, like, show me, give me some real life examples of those things.

• 39:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, so, I mean, probably the best example I can give is like when we were married.

• 39:41Speaker 00

  When we were married, she didn't, she wouldn't let me basically spend time with my friends and family. She would say that they're bad for me and when I spend time with them, I turn to a different person.

• 39:53Dr. John Delony?

  Was she right?

• 39:53Speaker 00

  And, no, I generally don't think so. No, I, yeah. And I've seen this with multiple people in her life too, with her friends and the way she treats her own parents as well. She's, she's not diagnosed with any, like, she does, she, for me, I've seen some maybe narcissistic traits or maybe something.

• 40:19Dr. John Delony?

  Let's don't do that. Let's don't do that. Let's don't start doing that. She can just be a jerk, right? Let's just say the way she acts makes me uncomfortable.

• 40:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:28Dr. John Delony?

  So it's a far cry.

• 40:32Dr. John Delony?

  It's a far cry, someone who's annoying or a brat or even a gaslighter. Somebody who makes up like, you're different when you're around them and you're like, no, I'm really not. And I've gotten multiple perspectives from multiple people. They're like, no, you're the exact same guy. That's different than she's abusive.

• 40:53Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 40:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:54Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me how she's abusive.

• 40:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, well, she would constantly tell me that I'm a terrible husband and I'm a terrible dad. And basically, she would, during our marriage, she probably used divorce if she didn't get what she wants, you know, 20 plus times throughout those years. And so for the longest time, I kind of would bend to what she said because I wanted to keep the family together. And, you know, after trying to...

• 41:26Speaker 00

  You know, I, I listen to your show a lot and I hear like build a new marriage and I, and we've done that multiple times where I just come to you and say, hey, this is not working out. Like I want to keep the family together. How can I make you happy? I want to feel loved and wanted as well. And it just, it, maybe that would last for a couple of months until divorce would get brought up again. And so it eventually got to the point where I'm like, hey, you're saying you're not happy. I'm not happy. And then we've been separated. And um, it's, and during this whole separation process, she hasn't let me um, take care of the baby at all. She basically said that the minimum time legally that you can, that

• 42:08Speaker 00

  a parent can see their kid is three hours, three days a week. And that's all that she would give me. And I would beg for more every single day. And she would just say, no, you're not a good dad. You don't deserve to do that. The only way that you can spend more time with your daughter is if you get a court order. And so um, a couple of weeks ago, we went to a hearing and we got temporary orders so that now, um, you know, the commissioner found it that I was a good dad and that we could have her 50 50. Cause that's what I was wanting, but she wanted to have a hundred percent sole custody of her. Um, and so right now, um, we're only a couple of weeks into that. And um, even kind of the commissioner

• 42:53Speaker 00

  saw that she would send, you know, like 50 texts a day um, to me about things to either make me feel bad or, or stuff like that. And so she even ordered that she could only send one text a day while we have, while we have um, our daughter. And um, basically um, right now she's still sending me multiple texts a day saying things. Even um, I'm trying to be a good person. And on Mother's Day, I even, even through all of these craziness and how that she's intentionally trying to hurt me, I got her a Mother's Day gift. And um, just the other day after that, she responded and said that she, I should never

• 43:37Speaker 00

  do that. And I was, and I'm not, I'm not treating this how I should. And then even her mom sent an audio to me yesterday, just saying a bunch of terrible things about how, how I was a terrible husband and that I don't deserve to.

• 43:51Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, okay. Let me, let me interrupt this track. Let me interrupt this track.

• 43:56Dr. John Delony?

  So you have like a duffel bag with a rattlesnake in it.

• 44:03Dr. John Delony?

  And for two and a half years, you you try to be married to this rattlesnake. And every time you reached in that bag, it bit you.

• 44:11Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. And that rattlesnake happens to believe that the world revolves around them.

• 44:19Dr. John Delony?

  And that there is and will never be any accountability to anything other than whatever I want, whenever I want it.

• 44:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:27Dr. John Delony?

  And that rattlesnake ran full bore into the court system.

• 44:32Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 44:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:34Dr. John Delony?

  And so I'll ask you, brother, stop putting your hand back in the bag.

• 44:41Dr. John Delony?

  Don't be surprised when you get 50 texts.

• 44:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:45Dr. John Delony?

  You've gotten that for three years now. Don't be surprised when the tree that the apple fell from also ends up in that bag and tries to bite you too.

• 44:55Speaker 00

  Mm hmm.

• 44:55Dr. John Delony?

  And go take the text messages because it's a violation of the court order. And send them back to the judge.

• 45:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:06Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And just forward that stuff to your attorney.

• 45:10Dr. John Delony?

  And so the greatest gift you can give your daughter, A, is to don't give up fighting for her and giving her the safest possible place.

• 45:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:20Dr. John Delony?

  And her biological mother is far from safe.

• 45:24Speaker 00

  Mm hmm.

• 45:25Dr. John Delony?

  And so we're going to follow the court order. And if she violates it, we're not going to get dramatic about it. We're not going to feel overwhelmed about it. We're just going to do the next right thing.

• 45:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:36Dr. John Delony?

  And I hate to say this, but she was right. You can help your daughter.

• 45:43Dr. John Delony?

  Not a 10 month old, but next year, when she's a year and 10 months old, you can help her get her mom a Mother's Day present.

• 45:53Dr. John Delony?

  But I wouldn't get her a Mother's Day present right now.

• 45:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:57Dr. John Delony?

  I have friends that are in very, very cordial divorces where they both act like adults. And they send each other a Father's Day text or whatever, or a gift card, like that's part of it. You're not in that situation.

• 46:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 46:13Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so I guess I guess what I'm I'm asking you is to rise above the madness. That this woman keeps wanting to drag you into.

• 46:24Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 46:25Dr. John Delony?

  And for your daughter, um, I wish I had something better to tell you, but you are in a 24 and a half year project.

• 46:37Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. And what you're looking for is I want 25 year old daughter to see in her rearview mirror, what a, what a respectful, honorable man her father is.

• 46:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 46:51Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. And let's say the judge sticks with 50 50. Your wife seems to be on a trajectory where I don't see that happening, but it could, she could, right? I know courts are very reluctant to pull children away from their mothers, um, especially daughters away from their mothers. But if this behavior continues to spiral out, who knows, right? She continues to violate court orders because this is a woman who doesn't seem to have had any consequence ever in her life. But here she is. Um, your daughter's going to get 50% of the noise coming into her ears from her.

• 47:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:28Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And she's going to get a cell phone at age, I'm making stuff up. Who knows? But she's going to get a cell phone at age four and she's going to see crazy movies at age five and she's going to have boyfriends parading in and out of that, like, right? So your job will be, I will protect my daughter to the best of my ability.

• 47:44Dr. John Delony?

  And when she's in my presence, I won't be swayed by a, an elementary school kid or a toddler or a high school kid's emotional whims and what they quote unquote want. I'm going to do what's right by them. And that means I'm going to have to wade into their anger and their frustration and all that stuff. It's going to be part of it.

• 48:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 48:04Dr. John Delony?

  And this is hard. I will never, ever, ever talk bad about her mom.

• 48:11Dr. John Delony?

  Because her mom is 50% her. And if there's something wrong with mom, that means there's something wrong with your daughter and we don't need her knowing that.

• 48:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's, that's kinda where I feel where it's hard where when I get a bunch of text messages or when she's, when she's um, you know, being mean to me, but I have, I have my daughter with me. It's during my time. I find it hard where I have to bottle it in because I know that I'm, I don't want to, to talk bad about her mom in front of her. I like even at 10 months old, they're sponges and they can absorb that.

• 48:46Dr. John Delony?

  I know, but listen, this is just, this is just adult emotional maturity. Feeling a big thing and then doing the next right thing.

• 48:54Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 48:54Dr. John Delony?

  That's just, that's adult emotional maturity. That's what that is. I feel huge. I feel pissed off. I feel angry. I feel, and here's a way to circumvent that. When y'all haven't agreed upon pickup time, put your phone away.

• 49:08Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 49:09Dr. John Delony?

  You've got such a limited time with your daughter anyway. Get off your phone, man.

• 49:12Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 49:13Dr. John Delony?

  And when it's 30 minutes before y'all are supposed to do the drop off or the exchange, then check your phone.

• 49:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 49:21Dr. John Delony?

  Right? But like, don't let her, don't let her bomb and nuke the limited time you have with your daughter anyway.

• 49:28Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 49:28Dr. John Delony?

  Is that fair?

• 49:30Speaker 00

  That is fair.

• 49:30Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, there's, there's no reason for, for y'all to be communicating with each other, is there?

• 49:35Speaker 00

  Um, not other than, not other than her.

• 49:37Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. And if she misses drop off or if she changes drop off, then that goes to your attorney, who then sends it on to the judge.

• 49:47Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 49:49Dr. John Delony?

  And you need to have a psychology for a world where you're the primary caregiver of this little girl.

• 49:54Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 49:56Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And that might mean that you're gonna buy different things because you're gonna stockpile cash. Cause you might need to be paying for childcare fully on your own in the next few years.

• 50:09Dr. John Delony?

  You might need to have a, somebody come by and clean the house once a week or once every two weeks in the next few years.

• 50:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 50:17Dr. John Delony?

  Right? So that means I'm gonna keep this same old car. I'm not gonna buy a new one. That means I'm gonna only have one subscription. Or that means me and my daughter are gonna spend a ton of time at the neighborhood park outside playing together because it's free.

• 50:30Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 50:30Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 50:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 50:32Dr. John Delony?

  And by the way, all those things benefit your mind, your body, your spirit and your kids.

• 50:37Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 50:38Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna get a $15 Zepco fishing pole. I mean, she's 10 months old. She's too young to do anything other than just go bop, bop, right? But it is what it is.

• 50:45Speaker 00

  Um.

• 50:47Dr. John Delony?

  And she's gonna want her mom because she's 10 months old.

• 50:50Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 50:51Dr. John Delony?

  And that's gonna be hard when she screams at night wanting her mom and you're gonna be sitting in that aftermath, right?

• 50:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:00Dr. John Delony?

  None of this is gonna be easy, let me just tell you that.

• 51:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:05Dr. John Delony?

  The most common thing I hear from parents when I talk to them four years from where you are now, and I say, "How did you make that?"

• 51:15Dr. John Delony?

  Their answer is almost universal, "I didn't have a choice, I just, I just did.

• 51:21Speaker 00

  Did the best I could with what I had."

• 51:23Dr. John Delony?

  Do you have parent support, are your, are your parents supportive of you?

• 51:26Speaker 00

  They are.

• 51:27Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome. Do you have some guy friends in your life that when she's with her mom, you can go spend time with them?

• 51:34Speaker 00

  Um, because I kind of have been distant from them during our marriage, I do need to reconnect with them.

• 51:39Dr. John Delony?

  Today, today, today, today. Okay? And I want you to set up a, every Monday night at your house.

• 51:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:47Dr. John Delony?

  And this is crazy for me to say, "I don't care if you play video games together, I don't care if you, I don't care what y'all do. Go to comedy club, go bowling, go hit, hit batting cages, I don't care, but every Monday night, get a group of guys together and you'll go do a thing."

• 52:00Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 52:01Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? Your soul needs that. Your mental and emotional well-being needs that.

• 52:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 52:08Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? So the big principles here, do the best you can and not talk bad about mom. There will come a season when you have to tell the truth, and that's different than talking bad, okay?

• 52:20Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 52:20Dr. John Delony?

  Mom said she sent you 50 texts, why didn't you respond to them? "Your mom sends me lots and lots of texts, and some are nice and some are not nice, and so I only pick up my phone right before it's time for me to drop you off."

• 52:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 52:33Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? Or, "Yeah, your mom sends a lot of texts, and that's it."

• 52:41Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 52:42Dr. John Delony?

  And then in middle school, "Mom gives me a phone, why don't you give me a phone?" Every parent does things differently, but in my house, we don't have any phones, we just have to talk to real people. Right? "I hate being here." Well, I get that, and I'll sit here with you, but I'm, I love you and I'm glad you're here.

• 53:00Dr. John Delony?

  All of that will be hard and miserable.

• 53:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 53:03Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 53:06Dr. John Delony?

  And it will still be the next right move.

• 53:09Dr. John Delony?

  So, good on you, brother. Like, I appreciate you wanting to do this right and to love your daughter well. Focused, laser beam time when you have her. And never running mom down and making sure she's in a safe place. And if mom is increasingly unstable and increasingly unsafe, then it's your job to use the system the best of your ability. To make sure everybody knows she's violating court orders. She's not putting my daughter in a safe place when she starts parading other boys through that house, like, other men through that house. Like, I'm gonna really go out of my way to make sure my daughter's safe to the best of my abilities. And when that daughter's in my care, me and I am gonna love her to the moon and back. Thanks for calling, brother.

• 53:54Dr. John Delony?

  We'll be right back. I love, love, love my Helix mattress. And I tell everybody about them. And everyone who comes over to my house and sleeps on the guest room Helix mattress, they all wanna know, "What is that mattress? And where do I get one?" My whole family sleeps on Helix. Why? Because they're amazing. They're the best. Helix does not just build one generic mattress for every human on the planet. They build mattresses for you and how you sleep. If you're a side sleeper, a back sleeper, a hot sleeper, they have a mattress just for you. I want you to get online and take the Helix Sleep Quiz. It takes like two minutes and Helix will match you with the perfect right mattress for you and the way you sleep. No guesswork.

• 54:39Dr. John Delony?

  This is one of those small decisions that can help improve your sleep dramatically and help improve how you show up for everyone around you every single day. Go to helixsleep.com/deloney and get 20% off site-wide during their Summer Savings Event. That's 20% off at helixsleep.com/deloney. And this discount is only for my audience. With Helix, better sleep starts right now.

• 55:06Dr. John Delony?

  All right, Kelly.

• 55:09Dr. John Delony?

  I'm glad to see you show up in your flowerty plant shirt.

• 55:14Dr. John Delony?

  It feels very foresty, and I like that.

• 55:17Speaker 03

  Foresty?

• 55:18Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, flowery. If you're in a forest of flowers.

• 55:23Dr. John Delony?

  I'm trying to be positive.

• 55:25Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 55:27Dr. John Delony?

  Hey, but you did some yard work this weekend, huh?

• 55:29Speaker 03

  I did.

• 55:29Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah?

• 55:30Speaker 03

  And everything hurts right now.

• 55:32Dr. John Delony?

  I know. Movement's the worst, huh?

• 55:34Speaker 03

  Well, and I mean, I work out three days a week, but there's just certain moves you don't, you know, make all the time when you're doing yard work.

• 55:41Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but your geriatric sit and be fit, like, is that a workout?

• 55:45Speaker 03

  You can kiss my...

• 55:46Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, what is it?

• 55:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, let's move on to, "Am I the problem?"

• 55:51Dr. John Delony?

  "Am I the problem?"

• 55:52Speaker 03

  Yes, 100%.

• 55:53Dr. John Delony?

  Go for it.

• 55:53Speaker 03

  All right, so I do want to preface this with, we're recording this the Tuesday after Mother's Day.

• 55:58Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 55:59Speaker 03

  Okay, so people won't hear this until June, but when we're recording this, we've just had Mother's Day a couple of days ago.

• 56:04Dr. John Delony?

  I cannot wait for what this is.

• 56:06Speaker 03

  So this is from Victoria in Vancouver, and she writes, "Yesterday, Mother's Day, my husband helped the kids make breakfast and coffee for me and did a couple of chores around the house that I asked him to do. However, he did not wish me a happy Mother's Day or acknowledge all that I do for the kids and for the family. At one point, I heard him say to the kids, quote, 'She's your mom, not mine,' a sentiment that I hear from his mom as she doesn't acknowledge me on Mother's Day either. Do I have the right to be upset, or am I the problem?" I have thoughts, but I'll let you go first.

• 56:40Dr. John Delony?

  I think it's probably best for all of the internets if you go first. What do you think?

• 56:49Speaker 03

  If I ever heard my husband say, "She's your mother and not mine..."

• 56:56Dr. John Delony?

  You would put all of that murder podcast

• 56:58Speaker 03

  To use.

• 56:58Dr. John Delony?

  training you've used, you've picked up.

• 57:00Speaker 03

  To use. That is so disrespectful and so immature.

• 57:11Speaker 03

  And it pisses me off to no end. It is right up there with, "I'm babysitting my kids."

• 57:20Speaker 03

  It just lights me up. Go ahead.

• 57:29Dr. John Delony?

  Hey everybody. Thanks for joining us on today's show.

• 57:34Dr. John Delony?

  I'm team husband on this one.

• 57:38Dr. John Delony?

  I'm totally kidding. I'm not. I'm just trying to be honest.

• 57:40Speaker 03

  I was about to use those skills on you.

• 57:42Dr. John Delony?

  I was trying to be honest in it. No, your husband's an idiot. So there's just that. Here's the thing. He's like this in a billion other ways. And so I guess.

• 57:55Dr. John Delony?

  I guess what I would say is this. Yes, your husband's a moron and it's dumb. Husbands who are have wives and they've got kids like that should be an Olympic style celebration of what I think is the greatest, the greatest role on the planet is being a mom. And so, yes, what he said is stupid. The way he acts is childish and moronic. And, and he does this about 50 other things in your home. So you showing up on this particular day expecting it to be different is you setting yourself up to fail. So either have that conversation, are you coming back? Bring it back.

• 58:37Speaker 03

  No, I just want to say, one thing I want to point out is she says that his mother says the same thing. And so she doesn't like wish her a happy Mother's Day. So he comes by this honestly.

• 58:46Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, but that I would say she needs to give him a roadmap.

• 58:49Speaker 03

  Exactly.

• 58:50Dr. John Delony?

  And say, when you do this, A, you suck. I'm just kidding. Don't do that. That's not a good roadmap. Say that at the end, but like, here's what I would like on Mother's Day. I would like you to say four or five or six nice things in front of the kids to me. And you can know in your spirit, I should not be having to tell you this, but this is the way your mom rolls and so be it. Here's what I would like on Mother's Day. And if he doesn't do that, then he's not only like clueless moron, but he's not a good person.

• 59:18Speaker 03

  And she needs to do the same thing on Father's Day.

• 59:21Dr. John Delony?

  Correct. Lead the way. Lead the way. But don't lead the way out of like with some projected ROI. I'm going to do this so that I can get this back. Don't do that. Just be clear about what you want in your home. And it's very hard to be clear about what you want in your home when you're married to an idiot. But so be it. I just have little like little patience for people like this, but alas, for like men like this. But also I'm increasingly getting little patience for people who.

• 59:56Dr. John Delony?

  Want something to be so different and it's the same every time and they it's like they keep putting their like that last caller keep putting their hand back in the bag with a rattlesnake in it and they're like can you believe he bit me and it's like it's the 50th time you've been bit at some point you put your hand back in the bag. You gotta have some culpability there, right?

• 1:00:16Speaker 03

  I agree. She needs to say something and then if he doesn't do it then he's bigger ass than I thought.

• 1:00:22Dr. John Delony?

  Both cheeks. Love you guys. Bye.