Episode 176: The Assassination of President James A. Garfield

Craziest part of this story to me is that the Oneida community abandoned communal free love in 1879 and collectively decided to become a silverware company that still exists to this day. You can buy Oneida cutlery sets right now on Amazon - DEVONcheck out THE VANQUISHED PODCAST: https://www.youtube.com/@VanquishedPodcast check out our TOUR (new dates added!):April 29: New York Cityhttps://sonyhall.com/events/well-theres-your-problem/?id=18162April 30: Somerville Mass (SOLD OUT!)https://artsatthearmory.org/events/bill-blumenreich-presents-well-theres-your-problem-podcast-2/May 1: Somerville Mass (SOLD OUT!)https://thewilbur.com/armory/artist/wtyp/May 2: New York City (SOLD OUT!)https://www.ticketweb.com/event/well-theres-your-problem-sony-hall-tickets/13918973May 3: Washington DC (SOLD OUT!)https://www.unionstagepresents.com/shows/well-theres-your-problem-podcast/May 4: Philadelphia, PAhttps://concerts.livenation.com/well-theres-your-problem-podcast-philadelphia-pennsylvania-05-04-2025/event/0200615211C27E44 Our Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/wtyppod/ Send us stuff! our address:Well There's Your Podcasting CompanyPO Box 26929 Philadelphia, PA 19134DO NOT SEND US LETTER BOMBS thanks in advance in the commercial: Local Forecast - Elevator Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Justin Roczniak?

  Maybe it is. Okay, so it is recording, but it said failed to start recording, but it is recording.

• 0:05Liam McAnderson?

  It is recording.

• 0:06November Kelly?

  Hmm. Sometimes, sometimes Zencaster just wants attention. It's very relatable to me.

• 0:11Justin Roczniak?

  I think so.

• 0:12Liam McAnderson?

  I hear that.

• 0:14Justin Roczniak?

  I'm, I'm just, we're just gonna go under the assumption that it's working.

• 0:18Liam McAnderson?

  Alright.

• 0:18November Kelly?

  That's probably wise. And we've, we've got local recording, so it's literally fine.

• 0:23Justin Roczniak?

  It should be fine, unless it isn't, but hopefully it is.

• 0:26Liam McAnderson?

  Fuck you, dude.

• 0:27November Kelly?

  If we have another lost episode, then that's fine. We simply, we deal with it like adults and deploy our many, our many like emotional reasoning skills that we definitely have.

• 0:40Justin Roczniak?

  Yes.

• 0:40November Kelly?

  To sort of like contextualize it and work through it, you know?

• 0:43Liam McAnderson?

  I'm a literal social worker.

• 0:45Justin Roczniak?

  I'm not worried. I'm not worried about us. I'm worried about the audience.

• 0:49Liam McAnderson?

  Fuck them.

• 0:50Justin Roczniak?

  They're gonna come after us.

• 0:51November Kelly?

  Yeah, those guys don't, don't have a lot of like, uh, sort of like emotional.

• 0:55Liam McAnderson?

  Dollars about it?

• 0:57November Kelly?

  I, I hope they do. Please, please do. I was saying earlier before we started that like, this is remedial podcasting, right? We don't, even if we get a good grade in podcasting because of the release schedule, no, we don't. And we know that, we're aware of that.

• 1:12Liam McAnderson?

  Yeah, we know.

• 1:13Justin Roczniak?

  You know, I got through college turning in every third or fourth homework assignment, so.

• 1:17Liam McAnderson?

  Jesus Christ, yeah, you did.

• 1:23Liam McAnderson?

  I, uh, I, I do love that I, I tweeted, uh, just to, just to cause trouble today, uh, we know. And I had seen the Greek rail report, but I, I just left it open-ended and then somebody got mad, not mad, that's, I was like, well, did something happen or not? And I'm just like, yeah, man, like, have you seen the fucking shit out the window?

• 1:40November Kelly?

  Yeah, every day, every day of our lives, something happens.

• 1:44Justin Roczniak?

  I looked at that tweet and was very confused and started looking around.

• 1:48November Kelly?

  Yeah, I also thought that like a nine 11 had happened, so you, you got both of us.

• 1:53Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 1:54Liam McAnderson?

  Woo! Nine 12, baby.

• 1:59Liam McAnderson?

  Nine 11 and two. This time, uh, oh, Mohammed Attaboy.

• 2:05Liam McAnderson?

  All right, let's go.

• 2:07Justin Roczniak?

  Hello and welcome to Well, There's Your Problem. It's a podcast about engineering disasters with slides. I'm Justin Roczniak. I'm the person who's talking right now. My pronouns are he and him. Okay, go.

• 2:21November Kelly?

  I'm November Kelly. I'm the person who's talking now. My pronouns are she and her. Yay, Liam.

• 2:26Liam McAnderson?

  Yay, Liam. Hi, I'm Liam McAnderson. I'm the person talking right now. My pronouns are he and him. And we have not one, but two guests.

• 2:32Justin Roczniak?

  Two guests.

• 2:33Liam McAnderson?

  Introduce yourselves.

• 2:34Speaker 03

  Anders J. Lee here. Happy to be on the show. Honored, frankly. I am a co-host of Pod Save America as well as The Vanquished, which is about failed presidential candidates. So, super pumped to be talking about a, not quite failed, but close to. He failed in a sense.

• 2:54Justin Roczniak?

  At former purveyor of Russian disinformacia.

• 2:57Speaker 03

  That's correct, yes.

• 3:00Speaker 03

  I, yes, I was a Russian asset. I can actually say that. For two and a half years, I was on RT America Network. And after the Ukraine war, all of the content I made has been scrubbed from the internet.

• 3:12Justin Roczniak?

  Wow.

• 3:15Speaker 04

  Hi, I'm Freddie G. Yeah, the other host of The Vanquished podcast about presidential losers. Yeah, super happy to be here. You guys were on our pod for the prohibition episode. It's my favorite episode we've done.

• 3:26Justin Roczniak?

  That was a lot of fun, yeah. The prohibition party notably had nothing to do with enacting prohibition.

• 3:34Speaker 03

  They are the oldest third party in American history still going and have finally rebranded, as we discussed with Roz, they're now not for prohibition, but confusingly have not changed the name.

• 3:47November Kelly?

  Yeah. I think that the time is right for some entryism.

• 3:51Justin Roczniak?

  Right. Maybe prohibition is more generic now. They're just in favor of banning things in general.

• 3:56November Kelly?

  Oh, so they're like British liberals?

• 3:58Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, exactly. Point at the albatross and you say banned.

• 4:02Liam McAnderson?

  Goddamn nanny state.

• 4:05Speaker 04

  They're just like, oh, cigarettes probably shouldn't be advertised. That's their big thing now.

• 4:10Liam McAnderson?

  Oh, I mean, yeah, okay, I guess. Yeah, I, I, so my most, I don't know, what would you say?

• 4:19Liam McAnderson?

  Conservative, maybe?

• 4:20November Kelly?

  Repressive, authoritarian, blue stalking.

• 4:22Speaker 03

  Statist. Yeah, oppressive.

• 4:25November Kelly?

  Suppressive. That's not my most statist opinion. My most statist opinion would make you, would make you throw up.

• 4:33Liam McAnderson?

  Mine is just ban sports gambling unless you are physically within a casino.

• 4:39Justin Roczniak?

  What about an off track betting parlor run by the state full of cigarette smoke?

• 4:44Liam McAnderson?

  Actually, that's what that sounds like.

• 4:46Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 4:47Liam McAnderson?

  We did that. Operation Underworld. That's a thing we did.

• 4:52November Kelly?

  I was, I was gonna say nationalized the numbers game, but that's just a lottery. Like, again, they did that. They did this.

• 4:59Speaker 04

  I used to live near an OTB and it's the most depressing place ever to walk by.

• 5:04Liam McAnderson?

  There's one in South Philly where you're just like, oh, I could feel the desperation from here.

• 5:07November Kelly?

  Is this, are you describing a betting shop, the thing that is on every British high street times a billion as like a unique locus of despair?

• 5:16Justin Roczniak?

  But this is off track betting. It's specifically for horse races.

• 5:20November Kelly?

  Oh yeah. So betting shop. Right. Okay. So like, yeah, those are every third business still in like commercial areas of the UK. Buddy, tell me about it.

• 5:31Justin Roczniak?

  We have this wonderful new thing called skill games, which is like, it's, it's a slot machine.

• 5:37Speaker 04

  But it's not.

• 5:38Justin Roczniak?

  It's not technically gambling because after you pull the lever for the slots, you have the option to do like a word search puzzle and then it gives you your money back. But it's hard. So you need, yeah. So, you know, I, yeah, I, yeah, exactly.

• 5:58Justin Roczniak?

  So.

• 5:59November Kelly?

  Why are we looking at Jim Davis's iconic, uh, sort of lasagna-loving Mondays-hating feline Garfield?

• 6:07Justin Roczniak?

  What we see on the screen here is an orange cat with a pipe. His name is Garfield. Um, it's not supposed to look like that because cats cannot be president and should not smoke pipes.

• 6:23Liam McAnderson?

  Toby probably thinks he can be.

• 6:25Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, that's true. What we're actually going to talk about today, uh, is the assassination and subsequent treatment of President James A. Garfield.

• 6:37November Kelly?

  Oh, I see.

• 6:39Justin Roczniak?

  Yes.

• 6:40Speaker 03

  For the, for the record, I looked this up a couple of years ago. Garfield, the president was shot on a Monday.

• 6:48November Kelly?

  Any word on the lasagna connection?

• 6:53Speaker 03

  I don't know if we have, I don't know if there was enough Italians in the US yet to make that a dish here.

• 6:59November Kelly?

  Yeah, they had to wait for Giuseppe Zangara to shoot FDR before there was an Italian presidential.

• 7:04Speaker 03

  Exactly.

• 7:05November Kelly?

  Breaking barriers, you know?

• 7:07Speaker 04

  He probably did not like Italians.

• 7:11November Kelly?

  Garfield?

• 7:12Speaker 04

  He was probably anti-immigrant. This is around the time of the Chinese Exclusion Act. Yeah, he was probably like, oh, they shouldn't come here. No hyphenated Americans, only American dishes.

• 7:21Justin Roczniak?

  Ah, yeah.

• 7:22Liam McAnderson?

  Who could say no to lasagna?

• 7:24November Kelly?

  The spice of an average lasagna would kill this kind of white boy.

• 7:30Justin Roczniak?

  Do you think they had lasagna back then? Or is lasagna like another one of those traditional Italian foods that was invented in a hotel in Rome in 1960?

• 7:40November Kelly?

  By an American?

• 7:41Liam McAnderson?

  Yeah.

• 7:42November Kelly?

  Looking at you, tiramisu.

• 7:44Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 7:45Liam McAnderson?

  It traces, like, it traces all the way back to ancient Rome.

• 7:49November Kelly?

  Also, they say, but they say that about fucking everything. Ancient Romans were eating like dormice and like fucking, uh, like plants that no longer exist because they over like, uh, over harvested them.

• 8:06Justin Roczniak?

  And garam. Lots of garam.

• 8:09November Kelly?

  Yeah.

• 8:10Justin Roczniak?

  They would have had ketchup, but they didn't have tomatoes.

• 8:13Speaker 03

  This Garfield that we have on the screen here, I actually prefer this to the sort of mutated version that Jim Davis, I believe.

• 8:23November Kelly?

  Kind of Chibi Garfield.

• 8:25Speaker 03

  Yeah, he's wholesome, he's big, and it's almost like, he's so big, it's almost graphic. And I feel like the, uh, maybe some of the publishers were like, Jim, you gotta scale Garfield back. He's too fat. It's like offensive to some of our readers, and he came.

• 8:42November Kelly?

  This is, it's a lot more realistic. This is a realistically like ugly cat. It's the same, the same thing that they, they did where they changed The Simpsons. They hadn't like, you know, dialed in on the kind of art style that they wanted yet. In the first couple of seasons of that show, they look all like fucked up and sketchy.

• 8:59Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 8:59November Kelly?

  Same kind of vibe.

• 9:03November Kelly?

  Yeah.

• 9:04Speaker 04

  It kinda looks like Garfield's dad, like the dad who's on the, of the cat is on the show.

• 9:08November Kelly?

  Yeah, this is Garfield's like racist dad.

• 9:11Liam McAnderson?

  Garfield's racist.

• 9:15November Kelly?

  Like, no, no, I'm not gonna see my dad in the hospital. I don't care how sick he is. He's gonna say that shit about lasagna and Italians again.

• 9:23Liam McAnderson?

  Wow, so my dad.

• 9:26Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 9:29Liam McAnderson?

  I, I, yeah, my dad. Well, so, okay, so my great uncle was killed in the Battle of Anzio for, for a little context, and therefore my grandmother, her, his sister, uh, hated Italians. No matter how many times my dad put it out there, but that, by that point, the Italians had switched sides. It would have been Germans defending Anzio. She, she was just like, nope, hate Italians. And he's like, okay, I guess we hate Italians now.

• 9:54November Kelly?

  I, I, I, I love a kind of familial beef like that, you know?

• 9:58Liam McAnderson?

  It's not racism so much as it is just beef with one country.

• 10:01November Kelly?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, there's a ton of people. I like, like my, um, uh, my granddad used to like never ever drive in a German car because of, because of the war, right?

• 10:10Liam McAnderson?

  Understandable. I wish I would have done the same thing, but I bought a GTI.

• 10:16Justin Roczniak?

  Before we hate other countries, we have to start by hating

• 10:20November Kelly?

  Hating our own.

• 10:21Justin Roczniak?

  Our own country and ourselves by doing the goddamn news.

• 10:31Justin Roczniak?

  So.

• 10:32November Kelly?

  Uh, did pilots, pilots are not woke now, and as a result, every single American has been killed.

• 10:38Justin Roczniak?

  Donald Trump has saved us from DEI, and as a result, the planes are dropping out of the sky. Um, you may know that, um, you know, right, right after we released our two episodes ago, it was Air Florida Flight 90 that crashed, uh, going out of, um, uh, Washington National Airport. Um, a flight that very same day or the day after crashed into a helicopter on approach to Washington National Airport. So, um, you know, I, I, I.

• 11:08Justin Roczniak?

  I hope that something similar doesn't happen as a result of this episode.

• 11:12November Kelly?

  Oh, it would be terrible if it did.

• 11:14Justin Roczniak?

  That would be really bad, yeah.

• 11:15November Kelly?

  If we had the kind of like lathe ability, you know, I think we would be forced to use that very responsibly.

• 11:22Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, exactly. You know, this is, this is one of those incidents. This was American Airlines Flight 5342. I think it was operated by American Eagle, which is like, because they have like a agreement where-

• 11:35November Kelly?

  Clothing store?

• 11:37Liam McAnderson?

  No.

• 11:37Justin Roczniak?

  No.

• 11:38Liam McAnderson?

  My ass does look good in those jeans, I'll tell you that.

• 11:40Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 11:42Justin Roczniak?

  I forget what the, what the smaller airline is. They operate some of these guys.

• 11:46November Kelly?

  American Eagle, yeah. You know, maybe, maybe that's why it crashed is because they put, you know, a bunch of jeans guys in charge of it, yeah.

• 11:53Liam McAnderson?

  The jeans company in charge, yeah.

• 11:54Justin Roczniak?

  This was-

• 11:54Liam McAnderson?

  More CR fashion episode.

• 11:56November Kelly?

  That's why they call it JetBlue.

• 11:57Justin Roczniak?

  If you've lived around the Washington DC area, you know about the goddamn helicopters everywhere. It is kind of, I mean, obviously the investigation is not out yet. It is not so surprising that something like this happened.

• 12:13November Kelly?

  Well, for a while, they didn't release, the family didn't release the name of the, the pilot of the National Guard's Blackhawk that was in this collision because they thought that because she was a woman and because she was like queer, the like MAGA chuds would be all over them, which of course they were anyway.

• 12:32Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, anyway, yeah, there's no way to, no way to stop that now. Everything is because, you know, they put someone other than a white man in charge of any given thing.

• 12:40Liam McAnderson?

  Have you met Ross and I? We are the most incompetent two sons of bitches on the planet.

• 12:44Justin Roczniak?

  I was about to say-

• 12:45November Kelly?

  And then as if to make your point, every other plane in the US has crashed, so, you know.

• 12:51Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah. I was gonna say, they have, they have done some kind of mitigation here. I believe the particular route that the helicopter is to sort of dart in front of the plane, they don't use that anymore. This was, I think, a CRJ 900, which, you know, there's so many CRJ 900s that fly in and out of National. It's incredible. I had to actually, the first thing I did when I heard about this was, I had to go look- Hook up my old rowing coach because he uh, he flew a CRJ 900 in and out of national. I was like, damn, I hope it's not him. Uh, no, he has a podcast now called um, uh, passive income pilots.

• 13:32Justin Roczniak?

  And uh, is uh, is now um, a, a, a financial independence influencer as well as owns a bunch of self-storage units. Uh, so yeah, shout out Ryan Gibson, um, because you're a public figure. I suppose I can name you. Anyway. Did not die in this accident.

• 13:52November Kelly?

  The highest praise you can offer any pilot, did not die in an accident.

• 13:57Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, exactly. Um, the other thing, you know, there's one angle of this crash. I mean, okay, there were no survivors. This happened very recently, but this is this podcast, so I am going to make a joke about it. There was one angle where you could see the whole thing and it looked exactly like when Randy Johnson hit the bird.

• 14:19Liam McAnderson?

  Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh my God.

• 14:24Speaker 03

  They do use feathers. Da Vinci's designs were accurate in a sense.

• 14:28Justin Roczniak?

  Apparently, yeah.

• 14:30November Kelly?

  Crucial National Guard flight full of like feather pillows for the White House.

• 14:36Liam McAnderson?

  Stained with cheeto dust, of course.

• 14:39Speaker 03

  I always wondered.

• 14:40November Kelly?

  Big orange bird, like Sesame Street.

• 14:43Speaker 03

  I do have a question that I feel like someone here may be able to answer because I've always wondered this about flying because they always say way safer to fly in a plane than it is to drive a car, but how are those statistics? How do they reach them? Because you know, do they factor in the fact that there's like a tremendous amount more cars driving at any given time than planes in the sky?

• 15:05November Kelly?

  Uh, I, I think the way you look at it is this, right? If you hit a Black Hawk helicopter at like, you know, 700 feet uh, above the Potomac and then fall directly into the Potomac, for that, it's way safer to be in a plane than it is to be in a car.

• 15:22Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, I those statistics are always they're gonna be based on either distance or like hours or like, you know, and they're gonna be per capita and it's gonna be all this stuff. Now, factually, before this accident, there had not been a commercial airline accident in the United States for, I think.

• 15:39Liam McAnderson?

  Sixteen years, I think.

• 15:40Justin Roczniak?

  Sixteen years or something like that, much like the measles outbreak that we'll talk about in the next slide. You know, so it was perfectly safe for basically perfect record for a long time as opposed to car crashes where people, you know, just mutilate each other a hundred times every day. The only thing more dangerous than driving per mile, I believe, is bicycling.

• 16:04Liam McAnderson?

  Really? I'm screwed then.

• 16:06Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, cuz yeah, bicycles just get, you know, you get hit by a car, you die.

• 16:10November Kelly?

  You know, you know what is dangerous is, well, relatively dangerous is is general aviation, right? Like, commercial aviation is very, very safe, but if you decide you wanna fly the Cessna, you wanna, you know, get in the machine that kills doctors, then it's it's it's not as safe. And so a bunch of the news stories that have made people very like aware of this idea that there's a like a kind of statistical cluster of shit going wrong with planes. A lot of that's been general aviation and a lot of that just kind of happens.

• 16:40Liam McAnderson?

  Dentists, dentists and Cessnas, yeah.

• 16:42Justin Roczniak?

  Speaking of, speaking of general aviation, I mean, okay, this one felt, this one felt like it was a little close to home. A few days later.

• 16:50Liam McAnderson?

  Oh, yeah.

• 16:51Justin Roczniak?

  The the the the Learjet crashed, crashed onto Cotman Avenue, yeah.

• 16:57November Kelly?

  This was, this was the medevac flight as well, which was really adds like insult to injury, you know, like, cuz it was a kid as well, which is really like God's fucking sense of humor to be like, oh, don't worry, little girl, you'll be fine. We've got you the new organ and everything.

• 17:13Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, it's crashed immediately. I think they had just finished long-term treatment at Children's Hospital of Pennsylvania. Is it Children's Hospital of Philadelphia? I forget what.

• 17:24Liam McAnderson?

  Philadelphia, bud.

• 17:25Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, okay. Took off from Northeast Philly Airport. They were heading towards Tijuana.

• 17:31Liam McAnderson?

  With a refueling stop in Springfield, I think.

• 17:33Justin Roczniak?

  Yes, yes, and then lost control somehow. I don't think we know exactly what happened yet.

• 17:38Liam McAnderson?

  Twenty twenty-three Philly season, bud.

• 17:43Justin Roczniak?

  Plunged directly into Codman Avenue, right by Roosevelt Mall, uh, put a big crater in a pavement, set a bunch of row houses on fire. Um, I think killed at least one person on the ground. Uh, yeah, this one's pretty, pretty bad. I mean, that happened in a pretty populated area. Um, so again, I, I guess the, the DEI was keeping the plane in the air. Um, then just a couple of days ago, we had a near miss at Chicago Midway Airport.

• 18:12November Kelly?

  Oh, I saw this.

• 18:13Justin Roczniak?

  Where a, uh, another, uh, Learjet, um, crossed one more runway than it should have.

• 18:21November Kelly?

  Yeah, Jesus Christ.

• 18:22Justin Roczniak?

  Causing a Southwest Airlines flight to nearly land, but luckily the pilot spotted it and they managed to go around before like they engaged the speed brakes and the thrust reversers and crap.

• 18:37November Kelly?

  Yeah. God bless those woke Southwest pilots.

• 18:40Justin Roczniak?

  I was about to say, I was about to say, so there's apparently also unwoke Southwest pilots though, cause there was that, that guy singing God Bless America on the PA on a Southwest flight. That's probably the worst aviation.

• 18:52November Kelly?

  Fucking idiot to do that. You'll kill all of us, you know? You gotta, you gotta get the woke quotient back up there. You gotta get the like, uh, flight attendants doing gay shit with each other like I'm so excited. Otherwise you will land the plane upside out. Another thing that happened.

• 19:10Justin Roczniak?

  Oh, I forgot to put that one in. Yeah, that happened in Toronto.

• 19:13Speaker 03

  Do we know if that was, uh, an American's fault? I, I just assume so, but.

• 19:17November Kelly?

  I assume everything is.

• 19:18Justin Roczniak?

  I don't, I don't know. We don't know exactly what happened on that one either. Um, yeah.

• 19:22November Kelly?

  You can assume yes, though.

• 19:23Justin Roczniak?

  There's so much stuff that happened. I mean, everyone survived that one, which is, you know, pretty cool.

• 19:28November Kelly?

  Miraculous. They offered them a $30,000 settlement each, to which if that's you, if you're listening to this and you get offered a $30,000 settlement, I want you to like put a neck brace on, keep it on and for the next like four years and also laugh them out of court.

• 19:44Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 19:44November Kelly?

  Every offer. Like wait until you get into like seven figures.

• 19:48Liam McAnderson?

  Uh, we, there was a, a Qatar Airways flight. I was watching the news yesterday where passengers alleged that they were forced to sit next to a dead body for four hours.

• 19:57November Kelly?

  Oh yeah, I saw that.

• 19:58Justin Roczniak?

  That's not even uncommon.

• 20:00November Kelly?

  I sympathize with that. You die, they're gonna put you somewhere.

• 20:04Liam McAnderson?

  That was exactly what I said. But my wife pointed out like, oh, I'm just like, I fly for free now. Like, that's my fucking settlement. I fly for free now. And I'm like, yeah, how often are you going to cut her? It just doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.

• 20:14November Kelly?

  One of the couple, one of the couple who was sit, who was sat next to the dead body was like, uh, I, you know, nobody even asked me if I wanted like a seat change, even though there were empty seats. It's like, get up and move.

• 20:25Liam McAnderson?

  What are they gonna do?

• 20:28November Kelly?

  Yeah, you, you're sitting next to like a dead body. Like, why, why don't you take some initiative here? You know, because it's not going to.

• 20:36Justin Roczniak?

  Well, what you gotta do is you gotta descend to 10,000 feet, kick open one of the doors, burial at sea.

• 20:44November Kelly?

  To a stage you'll give up its dead.

• 20:48Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah. Yeah. Make, make sure it's the rear door and not the front door is burial and engine.

• 20:54November Kelly?

  DB Cooper.

• 20:59Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah. One of the things our new tracks, transportation secretary, Sean Duffy, said over a tweet was, uh, you know, pilots who do not, uh, who do not follow air traffic control instructions will have their pilot's license revoked. And it's like, dude.

• 21:15November Kelly?

  Already will be like, you can listen to the air traffic control of them giving him the number to call.

• 21:20Justin Roczniak?

  But that's also not how this is supposed to work. There's supposed to be an investigation and you're supposed to be able to not be threatened. So you can cooperate for, with this investigation so that these accidents can be prevented in the future. So if, you know, the secretary of transportation is issuing threats like this, this is going to ruin the entire process of investigation that surrounds airplane incidents, which is what has made them so safe for so long. Because this is not focused on punishment. This is focused on fixing the problem.

• 21:56November Kelly?

  But it doesn't matter though, because they fired half the FAA. So like, you know, there's gonna be one janitor left to investigate all of this stuff by themselves.

• 22:06Liam McAnderson?

  Oh, poor Mike. He never had, he never saw it coming.

• 22:08Justin Roczniak?

  They're gonna get the one guy who's running Britain to be the one guy who runs all of America as well. Yeah, it's good to see.

• 22:15Speaker 04

  I still blame Ray, oh, oh yeah, I still blame Reagan for, oh, sorry.

• 22:20Justin Roczniak?

  Hold on, you go first.

• 22:22Speaker 03

  Oh yeah, thank you, sorry. I still blame Reagan for firing the air traffic controllers in the 80s when they went on strike.

• 22:27Justin Roczniak?

  Yes.

• 22:28Liam McAnderson?

  Yes, you should.

• 22:29Justin Roczniak?

  Absolutely. You know, Pat go strike. The outcome of that was completely insane. I guess Sean Duffy is, you know, decided to, you know, run the airlines with the same philosophy as the railroads, which is, you know, if there's an accident, NTSB investigates, it gives some recommendations and they're like, nah, I don't give a shit, fire the engineer, move on. Or if the engineer's dead, problem solved.

• 22:54Speaker 03

  Great.

• 22:55Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah. So, yeah, um, air travel, folks, it's safer than ever.

• 23:04November Kelly?

  We found out what Pete Buttigieg was doing as Secretary of Transportation.

• 23:07Liam McAnderson?

  Getting them up there.

• 23:08November Kelly?

  Sure. Yeah, yeah.

• 23:11Justin Roczniak?

  Sort of juggling every plane constantly is personally doing air traffic control.

• 23:18November Kelly?

  Having kind of a difficult landing, I gotta call the Secretary of Transportation on the radio. Guiding them in like airplane.

• 23:25Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, he, uh, he had to use all the skills, uh, that he, uh, refined stealing the election in Iowa.

• 23:36Speaker 03

  He knows how to merge.

• 23:38Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 23:38November Kelly?

  I, I wasn't expecting, uh, like shooting dogs in Afghanistan to be like a sort of transferable skill that leads you to like, stop all the planes from landing upside down, but apparently.

• 23:51Speaker 03

  Yeah. I, I am concerned. I keep getting, uh, job recruitment texts now and I ignore them, but I assume it's for all of the people displaced by the anti-D E I hysteria. They're like looking for Anders Lee's to fill these jobs. Um, so I might be a, a pilot at some point, uh, which I'm not.

• 24:09Liam McAnderson?

  Oh yeah, me too. You start Tuesday, bud.

• 24:13Speaker 03

  We're not all competent. It's a stereotype.

• 24:16November Kelly?

  You got drafted into United Airlines.

• 24:19Justin Roczniak?

  It's one of those, one of those positive stereotypes. White guys are competent, like, uh, black guys are good at basketball.

• 24:27Liam McAnderson?

  Yeah, I, we're not competent, Roz.

• 24:29Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 24:29Liam McAnderson?

  I don't know if you know this about us, but we're not competent. And I, you and I have to be pilot and co-pilot tomorrow. So we gotta.

• 24:37November Kelly?

  Stop practicing your Chuck Yeager voice.

• 24:39Justin Roczniak?

  I watched a lot of mentor pilot videos, so I think I got this.

• 24:43Liam McAnderson?

  We're good. We're golden. We are not gonna D V Cooper this thing. Let's go.

• 24:48Justin Roczniak?

  Alright, well, that was one piece of a lot of news, but let's look at the other news.

• 24:56November Kelly?

  Yeah, we just kind of put all of the stuff that's happening.

• 24:59Liam McAnderson?

  Don't yell at us.

• 25:00Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, I'm calling this the bad news fire hose, because I refuse to do another. Yeah, I refuse to do another oops all news episode so close to the last one.

• 25:10November Kelly?

  Just picture like a, like a fire engine, like a pump, like rolling up to the scene and then hooking that hose directly to the sewage.

• 25:18Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 25:19November Kelly?

  And then they're just gonna like hose down the entire house in, in liquid shit.

• 25:24Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, like a, like a European farmer.

• 25:27Liam McAnderson?

  Yeah.

• 25:31Justin Roczniak?

  Um, okay, uh, what do we got? Department of Government Efficiency, the Doge.

• 25:35Liam McAnderson?

  Shut the fuck up!

• 25:37November Kelly?

  The, the, I wasn't expecting it to take only, uh, three months for the federal government to be, uh, just like wound up as a going concern.

• 25:46Justin Roczniak?

  Yes.

• 25:48November Kelly?

  You know what? How mad at it can I be?

• 25:50Liam McAnderson?

  We had a run. I wouldn't say good, but we had a run.

• 25:52Justin Roczniak?

  They got, uh, they got, they got everyone who's a probationary employee in the federal government, which is, you know, someone who's still in training or someone who's still.

• 26:01November Kelly?

  Just got promoted.

• 26:02Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, got promoted, you know, so anyone who is moving up, anyone who is, you know, maybe replacing an old guy. Uh, no, they cut those guys. So, you know, that's not happening. I think the one of the worst ones I saw, I mean, this just seemed like a small human thing, was like, oh yeah, I was the trainee locksmith at Yosemite National Park. Cause it's so big, they need a dedicated locksmith for the whole park. And they were like, uh, he finished his training and he was about to replace the old guy and there's like, nope, you're fired, you're out, you're done.

• 26:34November Kelly?

  Yeah, there's, there's, there's a whole bunch of, uh, like lawsuits about this, as you might imagine. I mean, my feeling is, right, obviously I'm, I'm not gonna mourn, uh, the kind of the federal government in a lot of ways, but for the fact that it affects, uh, a lot of my, my friends live in the US and also it turns out the US government does do a bunch of important stuff, mostly in, uh, in USAID, which is now dead.

• 26:58Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 26:58November Kelly?

  That's gone now, so.

• 26:59Liam McAnderson?

  Which is sinful, I think is the word you want.

• 27:02November Kelly?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 27:03Justin Roczniak?

  They also fired a bunch of people from Department of Energy, which, you know.

• 27:07Liam McAnderson?

  All the people who are safeguarding the nukes are just gone now.

• 27:11Justin Roczniak?

  They haven't quite had the Rick Perry realization where he gets appointed to Department of Energy and he's like, oh, oh, this department handles the nukes.

• 27:19November Kelly?

  Yeah, they give him the briefing that's like, you kind of have more power than like most heads of state right now. Yeah, no, because they haven't done that. Trump just did the first cabinet meeting, which had Musk at it, fucking hanging out like Grema worm tongue. So they, they don't, they don't know what they're doing other than like getting in charge of the agency, doing Ctrl F trans and then firing anyone. And like removing any program that comes up, which is, uh, you know, short sighted, let's say.

• 27:47Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah. Do you see today? They are cutting the hundreds of people from N O double A, the Oceanic inspectors. Oh, yeah, they're gonna have to, they're gonna have to shut down a weather channel.

• 27:59November Kelly?

  I've, I've had, I've had a bunch of friends who work for the federal government and are trans get fired off of that combination. There's, uh, this kind of like, uh, they're scrubbing all the like, uh, trans and queer people out of the intelligence community, which means you can't even get the like, you know, uh, the sort of, um, you know, the trans women who are willing to make the kind of like waterboarding architecture work anymore.

• 28:25Justin Roczniak?

  I was about to say, there's like, there's, there's gotta be, you know, it's, it's also all the, all the people with those, you're going into all these, you know, old systems that are run on like Cobol and 4tran and stuff like that. And it's like, you know, the only people who really know how those systems work at this point and can program those languages are either, you know, 75 and past retirement or, you know, they own five blajas.

• 28:52November Kelly?

  Both of them are fired as well.

• 28:54Justin Roczniak?

  Exactly, exactly.

• 28:57Justin Roczniak?

  Um, what else do we got? There's a measles outbreak in Texas, which has killed the kids.

• 29:03Liam McAnderson?

  Stupid, so fucking stupid that child was unvaxxed. Uh, the daycares-

• 29:07November Kelly?

  Vaccinate your kids while you still can.

• 29:09Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 29:10Liam McAnderson?

  Oh, they need to redact it, RFK Junior, like, yesterday.

• 29:14November Kelly?

  I think he might redact himself. Have you heard him?

• 29:17Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, the worm is, uh, the worm is progressing.

• 29:19Liam McAnderson?

  Real in there, yeah.

• 29:23Speaker 04

  Shocking that would happen in Texas.

• 29:25Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 29:26November Kelly?

  It was, it was like Texas Mennonites, apparently.

• 29:29Liam McAnderson?

  Yeah, they, you can get religious exemptions and parental exemptions in Texas very easily.

• 29:34Speaker 03

  Hmm. I will confess, I was, uh, unvaxxed for a little while, as, longer than I should have been as a, as a kid. Um, certain people in my family drew a connection between vaccines and autism and RFK's group, the Children's Defense Fund, had a, like, a bill in the Minnesota State Legislature at the time, and I got to be one of the quote-unquote autistic kids that they put in the front row to, like, take the Marisol out of vaccines.

• 30:02Liam McAnderson?

  Stop, stop, uh, keep going, but, uh, the recording just crashed.

• 30:05Justin Roczniak?

  Oh, God.

• 30:07Speaker 03

  Okay, I thought that was just something on my end. Okay.

• 30:10Speaker 04

  Yeah, me too.

• 30:11Liam McAnderson?

  Yeah, nope, just keep going, we're doing it with locals.

• 30:13Justin Roczniak?

  We'll do it with locals, yeah.

• 30:14Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 30:15Liam McAnderson?

  Okay, sure.

• 30:17Speaker 03

  Yes, uh, autism-

• 30:19November Kelly?

  I mean, as, I, I mean, I got a hundred percent vaccinated, a hundred percent autism, uh, no regrets, uh, trans as well, so, you know, really, I think that's the success story.

• 30:30Justin Roczniak?

  I think, I think it's just, uh, there's something else in the air causing the autism.

• 30:34November Kelly?

  Uh, possibly. Maybe it's the microplastics, maybe, I, I, I don't know what it is, but whatever it is, I've got it working for me, so I feel pretty good about this.

• 30:42Justin Roczniak?

  I think it's worked pretty, out pretty well for all of us, you know, I, I don't-

• 30:46Speaker 03

  I mean, more and more people are gonna become autistic, cause they keep changing the definition, so eventually we will reach one hundred percent and we'll, uh-

• 30:55Justin Roczniak?

  Start oppressing the neurotypicals.

• 30:58November Kelly?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 30:59Liam McAnderson?

  Ah, yes.

• 31:00November Kelly?

  Meanwhile, meanwhile, like, I feel like, uh, whether you have like a, like a good federal job, like you wanna make sure you, you know, the kids are educated or vaccinated or housed or whatever, or you have like an evil government job, it doesn't even matter, like, the rain falls on the, the just and the unjust alike, you know, and it's, uh, right now, it's just so self sabotaging in terms of, uh, not just like human suffering, but like, the things that even Trump guys profess to want, uh, and it doesn't matter, cuz they're just out for like raw sadness, you know?

• 31:33Liam McAnderson?

  They're all for blood, right?

• 31:34November Kelly?

  Yeah.

• 31:36Justin Roczniak?

  Um, what else is happening here? Uh, they are moving trans women to men's prisons and trans men to women's prisons?

• 31:44Liam McAnderson?

  Fuck, yeah.

• 31:44Justin Roczniak?

  Presumably to suffer just horrific abuse, you know? That's gonna be real, real bad. Um, you know, US prisons are pretty bad to start out with, but, uh, you know, some of the practices there are, oof, you know, I, it's...

• 32:00Liam McAnderson?

  Painlessly unjust, yeah.

• 32:01Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, exactly, exactly, and I don't think we can even, you know, very bad, um...

• 32:07Liam McAnderson?

  Yeah, well, we'll do an ep- we'll do an episode on, on the US prison system eventually, which I think will just be us screaming for four or five hours.

• 32:16Justin Roczniak?

  Um, USAID has been essentially eliminated, um, I know it's, a lot of it's CIA bullshit, but a lot of it's also good, um...

• 32:25November Kelly?

  Well, that's, that's the way in which it's effective CIA bullshit, is because you're like, uh, you know, it's genuinely very effective to get people to like the United States by...

• 32:35Liam McAnderson?

  Self-power's the thing that works, right?

• 32:36November Kelly?

  Doing things that help them and that they like, right?

• 32:39Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, all this stuff's gonna come back to bite us as well, you know, it's like, okay, well, we're not, we're not like preventing Ebola or AIDS in Africa, that shit's just gonna spread and get us eventually.

• 32:50November Kelly?

  Um, yeah.

• 32:51Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, I think so. We, we're steering directly into the iceberg.

• 32:56Liam McAnderson?

  Uh, I will say, I made a joke to my doctor, uh, a couple of years ago when I was first seeing her, uh, and, uh, she was like, "Oh, we had the flu vaccine," and I was like, "Oh, I'm, I'm religiously opposed to vaccines," and she stared at me for like, a good fifteen to twenty seconds, and goes, "Are you?" Like, "No," and I was like, "No, no, no, no, ma'am." Light me up, baby. I'm very afraid. Light me up.

• 33:19Justin Roczniak?

  Oh, hold on. This is a technical thing. Um, if Andrew stopped the recording briefly, we should do a second sync point. We didn't do the first sync point. Yeah, that was, that was moronical shit. Devin's gonna kill us.

• 33:34Liam McAnderson?

  Yeah, sorry, Devin.

• 33:35November Kelly?

  Hi, Devin.

• 33:36Liam McAnderson?

  Hi, Dad. We love you.

• 33:39Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, all right, all right. We're gonna do a three, two, one mark, okay? Three, two, one.

• 33:45November Kelly?

  Just clap when you hear mark.

• 33:46Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, mark.

• 33:48Liam McAnderson?

  Good note.

• 33:49November Kelly?

  Okay, good, fine.

• 33:50Justin Roczniak?

  We did it. My God.

• 33:52Liam McAnderson?

  We are so fucking stupid.

• 33:52Justin Roczniak?

  We're so good at podcasting.

• 33:54Liam McAnderson?

  So fucking stupid. This is why they're setting us for remedial podcasting.

• 33:58November Kelly?

  Yeah, yeah. So, so, so the good news is, in only three years' time, there's gonna be, uh, House and Senate elections, which, uh, I assume will happen and be, you know, you'll be able to, like, vote freely in those.

• 34:12Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 34:12November Kelly?

  For, uh, for, you know, your sort of like blue wave of Democrats who are gonna get in and absolutely wield power. Yeah, uh-huh.

• 34:22Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 34:23Liam McAnderson?

  You sound confident there, Nova.

• 34:25Justin Roczniak?

  The Democrat strategy.

• 34:26November Kelly?

  You're never gonna get to fucking vote again in your life, dude.

• 34:29Justin Roczniak?

  I, I think it may, maybe on like a ballot proposition, you know, to like, for exactly where the, uh, concentration camps will be located.

• 34:38Liam McAnderson?

  There was, I, I did have something cool happen to me at work today where we had someone from a, a local church, uh, Lutheran church that, that gives us money, come in and the woman noticed, uh, from, from the church, she noticed that we have all gender restaurants. Uh, and she goes, she points to the sign and goes, "That's fucking right." And I was like, "Thank you, but like, you're eighty years old. Like, you should not be cursing like this that passionately. I am a little offended by your choice of words."

• 35:05November Kelly?

  You gotta, she's right, though. You gotta try and like cling to whatever little signs of wokeness you can.

• 35:10Liam McAnderson?

  Oh, yeah, I'm doing it. I'm doing, I'm a social worker, baby. I'm as woke as it gets.

• 35:16Justin Roczniak?

  So yeah, the explicit, the explicit strategy of the Democrats right now seems to be to do nothing.

• 35:22Liam McAnderson?

  Shit, shit all over the place.

• 35:24Justin Roczniak?

  See if you can wait it out, see if the administration implodes on its own. I mean, I think it will implode, but I think the essential functions of government implode first and we wind up in a sort of Mad Max situation. And like, I, I don't have enough, you know, S and M gear to, to live in that world.

• 35:42Liam McAnderson?

  I don't like that you said that.

• 35:45November Kelly?

  I do, but that leads us to our next item, which is.

• 35:49Liam McAnderson?

  Christ on sale.

• 35:51November Kelly?

  I, I, I have to enter the blasted wastelands of the former United States for the tour that's coming up, right? I gotta do that. And fucking, uh, little Marco, Marco Rubio, Secretary of State, in a, in a drive to try and ban trans athletes from the Olympics, has instituted this provision.

• 36:14Justin Roczniak?

  May have instituted, the language is unclear.

• 36:17November Kelly?

  We don't know, yeah.

• 36:18Liam McAnderson?

  The, the, it may just. Fucking timeline.

• 36:21November Kelly?

  It may just apply to like all visas at all, that if you apply for one and you're trans and you're like socially transitioned in any way, that's fraud and you're banned from the United States forever. Thus fucking the tour into a cocked hat.

• 36:35Justin Roczniak?

  I was about to say, that's a big issue.

• 36:37Liam McAnderson?

  Extremely on brand.

• 36:39November Kelly?

  I'm, I'm talking to the, to our immigration lawyers about it now, uh, for all the good that'll do, because I'm not sure that they even have a like direct answer either.

• 36:49Justin Roczniak?

  No one knows what the hell is going on. Yeah. I mean, I.

• 36:51November Kelly?

  No, no. And I, it may well be that, you know, I, I get to pay, or the podcast gets to pay the federal government literally like about $6,000 in fees that's going to go to like Elon Musk's fucking grouper children or whatever.

• 37:06Justin Roczniak?

  Jesus Christ.

• 37:07November Kelly?

  Yeah, like we, we pay them the fees. I go to like a sort of like a consular, like interview in London or in Edinburgh where they go trans and I get banned from the entire country. It may well be that I, I get to the airport and they just fucking like arrest me and deport me. I don't know.

• 37:24Justin Roczniak?

  We have, we have the lawyers.

• 37:27November Kelly?

  They simply wave you through, which would be the funniest. Yeah, we have the money.

• 37:30Justin Roczniak?

  We have the lawyers, we have the money, we don't have the third thing.

• 37:33November Kelly?

  Yeah, yeah, the two, the two parts of the Warren's even triad, yeah.

• 37:38Justin Roczniak?

  Exactly. Um, you know, but I don't wanna, I don't wanna resort to the third part of the triad yet.

• 37:44November Kelly?

  But I will.

• 37:47Speaker 04

  It is crazy that Elon only has male children. Like, he's not, he hates diversity so much, all his children have to be the same gender.

• 37:55November Kelly?

  And even that didn't work.

• 37:56Justin Roczniak?

  That's the, that's the end goal of these guys is that you're gonna, you're gonna wind up with everyone becoming Elon and then they're all gonna have male children and the whole generation is gonna grow up and they're gonna be like, oh, fuck, what did we, what did our parents do? Shit.

• 38:10Speaker 04

  It's a drop in the.

• 38:10Justin Roczniak?

  And then there's not another generation.

• 38:13Speaker 04

  It's a drop in the bucket, but if all the kids are male, then we're gonna lower the birth rate.

• 38:17Justin Roczniak?

  Yes, to zero.

• 38:21November Kelly?

  Good. But it, it didn't even work, though. He's got a transdorser that he's like a strange tron, so, you know. We're fucking idiot.

• 38:30Speaker 03

  Is there a way you can use curse here, sorry, circure to maybe negotiate some kind of a settlement for your fee situation?

• 38:39November Kelly?

  That guy loves British trans women. Yeah, he'll, he'll, uh, yeah, I think he's an ally.

• 38:46Speaker 03

  You're an entrepreneur, traveling, you know, engaging in trade with the US, the way it's supposed to be, yeah.

• 38:52Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, the special relationship, you know?

• 38:56November Kelly?

  We shall see.

• 38:57Justin Roczniak?

  You're not in the EU, the hated EU.

• 39:01Justin Roczniak?

  Um, what else? They're trying to do a Bitcoin reserve. I don't understand how this works.

• 39:06Speaker 03

  How? What?

• 39:07Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, they wanna exchange a bunch of gold certificates for Bitcoin. I read an article by what's his name, it was just on Trash Future, who explained how this worked and my brain imploded.

• 39:20Justin Roczniak?

  I just couldn't understand what was going on. I know a little bit about finance, but not that much.

• 39:26November Kelly?

  It's basically just a bribe for like Bitcoin guys is all it is.

• 39:31Speaker 04

  They're gonna replace the gold in Fort Knox with Bitcoin.

• 39:34Justin Roczniak?

  Yes.

• 39:35November Kelly?

  They're going to Fort Knox to see if Boric Goldfinger has stolen all of it.

• 39:40Justin Roczniak?

  No, it's all irradiated. Maybe they'll just, you know, get radiation poisoning in there and.

• 39:45Liam McAnderson?

  One hopes, baby.

• 39:47Justin Roczniak?

  Uh, what else? Um, they're doing some kind of thing right now where they're ordering all government agencies to do a reduction in force to the point where they would be operating as if there was a government shutdown. So they want to do a permanent government shutdown.

• 40:03Liam McAnderson?

  The judge just blocked the mass firings, what that word.

• 40:06Justin Roczniak?

  Wow, that's good. That's good. Um, Steve Bannon did a Nazi salute at some conference.

• 40:13Liam McAnderson?

  CPAC, I think.

• 40:14Justin Roczniak?

  CPAC.

• 40:14November Kelly?

  Yeah, all of them are like open Nazis now because they feel like they have to hide it. Um, which means we were right that like that vindicates us and anybody who was in the comments being like, ah, I don't know if I think the rhetoric might be a little strong. No, no, no, they're all Nazis. They're literally all Nazis. You're a fucking idiot.

• 40:32Liam McAnderson?

  And eventually we will get to the point where they, God willing, follow their leader.

• 40:36Justin Roczniak?

  They're inviting the January 6th prison choir to the Kennedy Center.

• 40:40Liam McAnderson?

  That's not real, is it?

• 40:42Justin Roczniak?

  No, that's completely real.

• 40:45Speaker 03

  What?

• 40:46Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 40:47Speaker 03

  What were they learning in there?

• 40:50Justin Roczniak?

  Music.

• 40:50Liam McAnderson?

  Where the circle be unbroken 400 times.

• 40:56Liam McAnderson?

  Great fucking song, just not by those guys.

• 40:59Justin Roczniak?

  The, uh, United States has pressured Romania to release Andrew Tate.

• 41:04Liam McAnderson?

  What?

• 41:05November Kelly?

  It's, uh, uh, uh, between this and the like prison stuff, it's a pro rape administration.

• 41:11Justin Roczniak?

  They love, they, they love raping, you know, uh, what is like.

• 41:15Liam McAnderson?

  Love to be a social worker, working with survivors of domestic violence in this political climate. It feels great.

• 41:20Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah. Rape, murder, arson and rape.

• 41:24Liam McAnderson?

  I like arson and murder. I don't like the other tale.

• 41:26Speaker 03

  Yeah, I really still don't get the, I mean, yeah, I've, you know, stopped trying to make sense of the Trump administration, but I really don't see the angle for giving amnesty and safe passage to Andrew Tate. Like, are there enough-

• 41:41Liam McAnderson?

  More like Andrew Taint.

• 41:42November Kelly?

  It's literally like said something nice about Trump one time.

• 41:46Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:47November Kelly?

  That's all it is. It's just like personal loyalty.

• 41:50Speaker 03

  And now he's gonna be like the Secretary of State in Florida.

• 41:52Justin Roczniak?

  Nice. Yeah. Well, he's way less transphobic than anyone in this administration. That's the funny thing.

• 41:58Speaker 03

  I mean, have you seen the Hulk Hogan, Megan Fox video?

• 42:03November Kelly?

  Jesus Christ, no.

• 42:05Justin Roczniak?

  I have not seen that, no.

• 42:07Speaker 03

  Andrew Tate is saying to his followers, he's like, would you have sex with, this is his words, Hulk Hogan with a pussy or Megan Fox with a cock?

• 42:16November Kelly?

  Oh, I do remember this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, I like to support like moderate liberalizing influences within the Trump administration like Andrew Tate.

• 42:31Justin Roczniak?

  The Trump administration is going after congestion pricing in New York City.

• 42:36Liam McAnderson?

  Oh, they're not gonna have it. They're not gonna have it.

• 42:38November Kelly?

  Just to like trigger the libs effectively.

• 42:40Justin Roczniak?

  Exactly. I don't think that, the New York State is currently arguing that, well, you know, if, if they wanna end congestion pricing, they have to do another National Environmental Policy Act study, which will take another decade. So, let's see if that works.

• 43:00Liam McAnderson?

  I like that. I do really like that. Just like, yeah, we're just gonna, we're just gonna rub the clock on this one, boys.

• 43:05Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah. They're also trying to fuck with California high-speed rail and don't seem to have done it very well.

• 43:13Justin Roczniak?

  In sort of the normal, the normal sort of awful news that has continued to happening, I think Union Pacific derailed two freight trains at pretty high speeds in Nebraska on the same day. Again, that's normal.

• 43:25Liam McAnderson?

  Shocked by that.

• 43:25Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah. And Trump is using the CNO desk.

• 43:29Liam McAnderson?

  What?

• 43:30Justin Roczniak?

  Because, because Elon Musk's kid wiped a booger on the Resolute desk. He swapped it out for the CNO desk. I discussed this on our recent episode of Worst of All Possible Worlds. If you want more details and learn about the Van Swerengen brothers and why this is the incest desk.

• 43:51November Kelly?

  Interesting.

• 43:52Justin Roczniak?

  Yes.

• 43:52Speaker 03

  What, what does C N O stand for?

• 43:54Justin Roczniak?

  Chesapeake and Ohio.

• 43:56Speaker 03

  Oh, okay.

• 43:57Justin Roczniak?

  This was owned by, uh, the, this, this desk was built when the Van Swerengens, who are the brothers who built Cleveland, um, owned the Chesapeake and Ohio. And, uh, they had a few desks built and through a series of owners, they wound up in the White House. This was the favorite desk of, uh, George H W Bush. And the other thing about the Van Swerengens was, uh, they lived together in one room in a 55 room mansion, uh, their entire lives, they were never seen in public individually, always together. Um, they shared a bed, um, and, uh, they're buried together in the same cemetery under one headstone that just reads brothers.

• 44:39November Kelly?

  Unholy.

• 44:40Liam McAnderson?

  Family is weird, man.

• 44:42Justin Roczniak?

  Oh, and their names were, uh, Oris Paxton Van Swerengen and Mantis James Van Swerengen.

• 44:49November Kelly?

  The things that desk sees.

• 44:51Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, exactly, exactly. Well, from the way it's constructed.

• 44:54Speaker 03

  Were they twins?

• 44:56Justin Roczniak?

  Uh, no, I think they were a little bit apart in age. I think.

• 45:00November Kelly?

  Just Trump hitting his little Diet Coke button, which is back by the way. I'm looking at a photo of, okay, a photo, a couple of days ago from, from him in the Oval Office and the, the Diet Coke button is back. Him pushing the Diet Coke button is resting on a surface that has seen the, the unseemly love between brother and brother.

• 45:18Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 45:20Justin Roczniak?

  So, yeah, that's, that's, that's all I got for the bad news fire hose. Um, let's look at some good news. The Birds won.

• 45:31November Kelly?

  Finally, a reason to live.

• 45:33Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 45:37November Kelly?

  I, I, I watched this live at like three in the morning. I had a great time. Uh, and yeah, it was, it was perfect. Everything about it was perfect apart from the fact that the Chiefs, uh, put points on the board. But aside from that, like, you know, the Kendrick Lamar was there. He did, he did the song, uh, about how, about how Drake is a pedophile. Um, the, other than that, there was, there was some football. It went very well. Um, yeah. Great. Fantastic.

• 46:06Justin Roczniak?

  Whole city came out.

• 46:07November Kelly?

  Never kill yourself.

• 46:08Speaker 03

  I think Steve Spagnola, the Chiefs defensive coordinator, did such a bad job that Italians are now no longer going to be considered white again.

• 46:19Liam McAnderson?

  Have I got news for you.

• 46:23Speaker 03

  He's gonna be, yeah, lumped in in the anti-woke backlash.

• 46:28Justin Roczniak?

  Hiring Italians is DEI now. Diversity, equality, and Italians.

• 46:35November Kelly?

  The Eagles refused to go to the White House, so they are woke.

• 46:38Justin Roczniak?

  Maybe, yeah, that's still up in the air.

• 46:42November Kelly?

  Well, I mean, listen, like, of the, like, Eagles, say, offensive line, right, it's like, four MAGA guys, minimum. But that's just, that's just what it is.

• 46:52Justin Roczniak?

  That's the reverse of the Phillies.

• 46:55Liam McAnderson?

  The more racist your O-line is, the better they're gonna protect their black quarterback. We all know that.

• 47:03Liam McAnderson?

  You don't get mad at me, the comments. I want a big fat Coca-Cola.

• 47:07November Kelly?

  That shape who isn't racist. It just, I, I, I don't mean to do, like, phrenology about it, but they just don't.

• 47:13Liam McAnderson?

  You could do phrenology of Lane Johnson, it's fine, he'll understand.

• 47:17Speaker 03

  I bet they're gonna, it's just gonna be Cooper DeJean who shows up.

• 47:20Liam McAnderson?

  Yeah, and maybe, uh, Tannehill.

• 47:23November Kelly?

  I mean, if you think about Cooper DeJean's having a fantastic few weeks, because like, okay, yeah, obviously, like, pick six, win the Super Bowl on your birthday, sure. But also all the Trump stuff, right? Like, so not only is he winning personally, he's also winning politically.

• 47:38Justin Roczniak?

  That's a good point, yeah. Although a lot of these Trump guys, they, they, well, he's probably not paying attention to the news. He's just seeing the libs being triggered, so, yeah, I don't know. You know, I don't, I know that, like, a lot of business guys are starting to get a little bit antsy about Trump, you know, it's like, ah, shit, what do we do?

• 47:57Liam McAnderson?

  Do, do the business plot, but wokely.

• 48:00Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 48:01November Kelly?

  The woke business plot.

• 48:03Speaker 03

  The woke business bloody.

• 48:05November Kelly?

  We gotta find the US Marine Corps a wokest general.

• 48:10Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, hope that be Smedley Butler.

• 48:14Liam McAnderson?

  Dig them up, boys. Dig them up, boys. Die in Philadelphia. Dig them up.

• 48:20November Kelly?

  Still top of the leaderboard for wokest marine.

• 48:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:25Speaker 03

  I was gonna say, they don't need, uh, they don't want things to collapse until they get their tax cut.

• 48:29November Kelly?

  Hmm. Although I feel like you could get your tax cut under anyone and it wouldn't be as weird as this.

• 48:35Justin Roczniak?

  That's true. That's true. I don't think they're gonna cut taxes.

• 48:38November Kelly?

  Hmm. Get Jamie Vance in the conference room from Network. There's like, listen, you cut taxes or we'll do to you what we did to Trump.

• 48:48Speaker 03

  All the, well, with all these tariffs, they won't need taxes, is the working theory, anyway.

• 48:54Justin Roczniak?

  If they can ever get them implemented. They keep delaying them again and again. It's like, come on, come on coward, hit me. Come on.

• 49:01November Kelly?

  Real, real trade war has never been tried.

• 49:04Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 49:05Liam McAnderson?

  Find out, buddy.

• 49:07Justin Roczniak?

  And, and in more somber news.

• 49:13Liam McAnderson?

  Jarring shift in tone.

• 49:14Justin Roczniak?

  Jarring shift in tone. Unfortunately, our, our, our fourth and most beloved host, uh, Milkshake the Cat, uh, has passed away. He managed to make it until sort of just after the Eagles parade. And, uh, well, all his organs fell apart like a Blues Brothers car. Yeah, that's true. I, I mean, it was, uh, it was really sudden. I was, you know, very sad. I mean, obviously, you know, his, uh, you know, we see his state funeral here.

• 49:44Justin Roczniak?

  But, uh, yeah, I mean, he was a very good cat. Uh, everyone, you know, loved him. He loved everyone. Um, you know, I learned a whole bunch of stuff about him. You know, I had no idea he was a foster reject for so long because I guess people just didn't like his face.

• 49:59Liam McAnderson?

  Oh, I loved his little face.

• 50:00Speaker 03

  Aww.

• 50:00Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah. Well, if you look at the one photo where he looks really mean, uh, that's what most, mostly he looks like all the time.

• 50:10Justin Roczniak?

  But yeah, he is unfortunately no longer with us.

• 50:14Liam McAnderson?

  Sorry for your loss, Roz.

• 50:15Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, it's uh.

• 50:16November Kelly?

  Yeah.

• 50:17Speaker 03

  Likewise, condolences.

• 50:19Justin Roczniak?

  But uh, you know, his spirit lives on in the podcast and he is beloved by thousands across the world.

• 50:26Liam McAnderson?

  And also eating Roz's shirts and sometimes his beard.

• 50:29Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, that's true. He would, he did like to do that. He did like to do that, too. I would go right up to my dad, who was the only person in the family who doesn't like cats and just sit on him. It's great.

• 50:40Liam McAnderson?

  Yeah, how's that feel, Dan?

• 50:46Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, so this is uh, an unfortunate thing uh, which has happened, uh, but that is what it is, I suppose.

• 50:55November Kelly?

  Hmm, and, and, and loving memory. We'll flash up some like, some sad music, do it like an academy in memoriam.

• 51:01Justin Roczniak?

  In the arms of the angels, scratching at the wings. Blowing feathers off, yelling and screeching.

• 51:19Liam McAnderson?

  That was haunting. I liked that.

• 51:20Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 51:23Justin Roczniak?

  Alright, that was the goddamn news.

• 51:28Justin Roczniak?

  I apologize to our guests. You do know the podcast is usually pretty long, right?

• 51:33Speaker 03

  Yes, uh.

• 51:34Justin Roczniak?

  Okay.

• 51:35Speaker 03

  Totally, but I may need to um, uh, make sure my disk has enough space, so we may need to stop at some point, but it shouldn't take long.

• 51:45Justin Roczniak?

  Okay, I mean, hopefully we'll only be here for another hour or so. We're gonna see how fast we can get through this. It's not too many slides on this one. Uh, our next one, our next thing, we have to do announcements uh, for the announcements, announcements, announcements, the northeast corridor. Um, as we mentioned before, hopefully we don't get dinged by the Visa stuff. We have all the paperwork and the money in, so that, that is proceeding. We have seats available still at the first New York show and at the Fillmore in Philly.

• 52:23Liam McAnderson?

  Everything else is sold out.

• 52:24Justin Roczniak?

  Everything else is sold out. So links to that will be in the description.

• 52:29November Kelly?

  I'm gonna be so fucking pissed if Marco fucking Rubio stops me from coming to this.

• 52:33Justin Roczniak?

  Well, yeah, we're gonna wind up in a Supreme Court amicus brief.

• 52:39November Kelly?

  United States versus, well, there's your problem.

• 52:42Justin Roczniak?

  Exactly, exactly.

• 52:43Liam McAnderson?

  My parents are retired lawyers. Let's do this. Not that kind of law. Don't care. Let's go.

• 52:52Justin Roczniak?

  You're gonna go and go and go and fight Justice Roberts.

• 52:56Liam McAnderson?

  My dad could win, dude. Old Man Anderson versus Justice Roberts. Old Man Anderson clears in a landslide.

• 53:04Justin Roczniak?

  All right, those are the announcements. Let's finally get into the subject.

• 53:08Liam McAnderson?

  All right, we are an hour in. Let's do this.

• 53:11November Kelly?

  Jesus.

• 53:12Justin Roczniak?

  That's the fire hose right there.

• 53:14November Kelly?

  It's been a lot of news.

• 53:16Justin Roczniak?

  All right, all right. Some background here. Let's talk about the Republican Party and Reconstruction. Okay, so right now, it's the Republican Party that's the bad guys and the Democratic Party that are also the bad guys, but a little bit better.

• 53:30Liam McAnderson?

  Like, like, like, half a percent, maybe, yeah.

• 53:33Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah. It used to be the Republicans were the good guys and the Democrats were the bad guys.

• 53:40November Kelly?

  If you don't know that, there used to be a real gotcha for the dumbest Republican pundits, like a couple of years ago. It's a bit like, it's interesting, because here I found this quote from this 19th century Democrat that's pro-slavery.

• 53:54Liam McAnderson?

  Yeah, it's like, it's like, you know how, oh, the Democrats, you know, Republicans flee to the States. The same thing as pointing out the Yankees have 26 championship.

• 54:03Justin Roczniak?

  Oh, thank you.

• 54:05Speaker 03

  And if you want to go back to Lincoln-style Republicanism, that would be great. You want to go back to the Republican president corresponding with Marx, although today, that would, those would be some weird letters, but by all means, adopt radical.

• 54:18Liam McAnderson?

  Karl Marx, I pray, I yearn for your spirit, signed Donald J. Trump.

• 54:24Justin Roczniak?

  This great guy, he's got a rich friend. His name is Marx. His friend is Engels.

• 54:29November Kelly?

  Auto-science, folks.

• 54:31Liam McAnderson?

  Engels, can you send me more money? Stop.

• 54:36Justin Roczniak?

  Okay, we did this thing. It was called the Civil War. It was over slavery, right? We won it. Uh, we had to rub it in the South's faces to maintain power. We did a thing called Reconstruction, right? This is supposed to be a pretty wide-ranging thing.

• 54:48Liam McAnderson?

  We bring the Jubilee, you dickheads.

• 54:51Justin Roczniak?

  You know, you, you, you've wrecked the South. Now you do military occupation. Theoretically, you do land redistribution. You disenfranchise the most powerful people.

• 55:02November Kelly?

  Yeah, it's a good idea. It's like, you, you, you sit in the occupied South with a military governor and you make sure they don't try any shit. And you don't take any guff from these swine.

• 55:14Justin Roczniak?

  And, uh, you know, you do really strict supervision of elections and so on and so forth. And, you know, hey, uh, you're the occupying military power who won. You know, it better be your guy who wins the election. That's all I'm saying.

• 55:26November Kelly?

  It's, it's, it's gonna be like this again after Civil War II. And this time, we're not gonna fuck it up. It's as simple as that.

• 55:33Justin Roczniak?

  Ah, now they're gonna put, they're gonna put fucking Hillary Clinton in this military governor.

• 55:40November Kelly?

  She's electable if you vote for her at gunpoint.

• 55:46Liam McAnderson?

  Oh, yeah, uh, you gotta do the opposite of ending slavery, hill dog.

• 55:51Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 55:53Justin Roczniak?

  So, you know, uh...

• 55:55Liam McAnderson?

  Some of the comments is gonna get real mad at me for that joke, and I don't care.

• 55:59Justin Roczniak?

  A man shot Abraham Lincoln.

• 56:02Liam McAnderson?

  Boo!

• 56:03Justin Roczniak?

  At a theater.

• 56:03Liam McAnderson?

  I'm booing John Wilkes Booth.

• 56:05November Kelly?

  He, he, he, he shot it, he shot Lincoln with the most hated gun in America.

• 56:10Justin Roczniak?

  Yes, and, and, uh, the next guy, Andrew Johnson, he walks back a lot of the stuff that was supposed to happen to finally strangle and put down the slave power. Right? Nevertheless, there was still enough Reconstruction happening for there to be this sort of vibrant Southern Republican Party that was, you know, this biracial coalition aligned against...

• 56:35November Kelly?

  Yeah, it's crazy how if you, if you look at like, you know, uh, say, you know, Congressman from Tennessee, right? How it's like, oh, they had the, the first black one in like 1870, and then again in like 2020.

• 56:50Justin Roczniak?

  Exactly, yeah.

• 56:53Justin Roczniak?

  You know, this there aligned against the planter elite, which still exists. Unfortunately, you know, there's still military occupation to prevent some fuckery. It works pretty good. While it lasted, it was not as aggressive as it should have been. You know, they should have like, I don't know, hanged Nathan Bedford Forrest, for example.

• 57:11Liam McAnderson?

  Yeah.

• 57:12Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 57:13Liam McAnderson?

  Yeah.

• 57:13November Kelly?

  Yes.

• 57:13Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 57:14Liam McAnderson?

  The penalty for treason, the penalty for treason is death, death, no north, no south, the Union forever. And then also we hang Nathan Bedford Forrest. Jeb Stuart Jubal early and just all those motherfuckers. They should have swung from ropes. You know, I'm right. I don't know if we can say that. I mean, they're dead now.

• 57:32November Kelly?

  I think we can. I think we can say, listen, they should have executed every Confederate officer above the rank of like captain. And then if any of the others opened their mouths about anything, they should have executed them too.

• 57:43Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, it probably would have been better off. We will talk about maybe the one exception later, but you know, in aggregate, though.

• 57:52Speaker 04

  One good thing is Jeb Stuart died during the war. And I know this because when you drive around Virginia or wherever, you see like, oh, Jeb Stuart death site or whatever. And then I looked it up.

• 58:02Justin Roczniak?

  Then it's like, I used to, when I was in high school, we would row occasionally against Jeb Stuart High School.

• 58:09Liam McAnderson?

  I hope that place burns to the ground with everybody in it, man.

• 58:11Justin Roczniak?

  I think they renamed it.

• 58:12Liam McAnderson?

  Okay, maybe never mind.

• 58:14Justin Roczniak?

  But now, but now it, they might rename it back because we're done with woke.

• 58:19November Kelly?

  Military bases.

• 58:21Liam McAnderson?

  We live in the dumbest fucking timeline.

• 58:24Speaker 04

  Part of why the South lost in Gettysburg is Jeb Stuart showed up late and Lee didn't know what the hell to do.

• 58:30Liam McAnderson?

  Literally, yeah. Jeb Stuart, Jeb Stuart's conduct north of the Masons.

• 58:35Justin Roczniak?

  Fashionably.

• 58:37November Kelly?

  Sorry. Sorry. I've been trying to mute myself while I'm coughing.

• 58:40Liam McAnderson?

  Yeah, he shows up to, was it Hitler Jubal Earl? Yeah, Stuart's ride of the Gettysburg campaign. I was thinking of you. Never mind. It's fine.

• 58:46November Kelly?

  All these guys fucking sucked shit as generals, by the way. All of them jerk each other off after the end of the war about like, not just the lost cause, but their own fucking general shit.

• 58:58Justin Roczniak?

  Oh, absolutely. Yeah. You know, you have, people are still like, well, you need to go read Mosby's memoirs, you know, they're so good. And I don't think so.

• 59:08Justin Roczniak?

  So yeah, Reconstruction worked pretty good while it lasted. Sometimes, uh, Southern Democrats still won elections in the South. Unfortunately, they also had urban northern counterparts who helped them out in Congress, right? Uh, which leads to sort of steady gain in power for Southern Democrats over a long period of time. So, you know, uh, let's jump forward to a few presidents, too. The corrupt bargain and Rutherford Hayes.

• 59:37Liam McAnderson?

  And not even the first corrupt bargain, uh, the election of 1824. Yeah, Andrew Jackson and John Quincy Adams.

• 59:43Justin Roczniak?

  So in, in 1876, it was widely expected that Ulysses S. Grant would run for a third term.

• 59:50November Kelly?

  America's most powerful never did.

• 59:52Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 59:55Liam McAnderson?

  My favorite thing about Grant is, uh, his, uh, election slogan was "Vote as you shot."

• 1:00:04Liam McAnderson?

  Which like, what are you supposed to do with that, right?

• 1:00:09Justin Roczniak?

  So, Grant actually, you know, he declined to run again. This leads to sort of a power vacuum within the party. There's two factions in the Republicans. You have the radicals and you have the moderates, right?

• 1:00:23November Kelly?

  Oh, I think I know who my favorites are.

• 1:00:27Justin Roczniak?

  The radicals wanted Reconstruction to continue and in fact, to be more thorough, uh, you know, you know, to, uh, right the historical wrongs, so on and so forth. I mean, there was a range of political beliefs within there. Some of them were like, straight up socialists. Some of them are like, more like, "Okay, I'm a, I'm a business guy, but I fucking hate the South," right? And then you have, then you have, you know, moderates who were cowards.

• 1:00:54Liam McAnderson?

  Hey!

• 1:00:55November Kelly?

  I- i- i- important to note that the whole, like, you know, unison brotherhood, draw a line under it thing is like, at this point, hooey, right? It's like, a line being pushed by the people who are like, "Just let us go back to rigging the elections the way we want."

• 1:01:11Justin Roczniak?

  Exactly. I, I am, I'm really upset seeing black people at the polls. I'm very upset.

• 1:01:17Liam McAnderson?

  Yeah, 18, 1880, Susan Collins is very concerned.

• 1:01:21Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:23Justin Roczniak?

  So, at this point, Grant would have been like, uh, the preferred candidate of the radicals, but you know, the whole party probably would have coalesced around him. So at the convention, since he declined to run, Ohio Governor Rutherford Hayes was elected as a candidate, right? He was a moderate, but he did explicitly support suffrage for black men so long as he didn't have to do anything to make it happen.

• 1:01:49Speaker 03

  Sounds familiar.

• 1:01:53Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah. So, the election came down to Hayes and New York Governor and Democrat Samuel J. Tilden, right? And Hayes pulled off something that has since been a tradition in the GOP, right? He lost the popular vote but won the Electoral College.

• 1:02:12Liam McAnderson?

  They love fucking doing it, man.

• 1:02:13Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:14Speaker 03

  And it's, I wonder if, because it's always been a Republican, like, what if it was the more conservative candidate who lost the popular vote, or the more liberal one who lost the popular vote, but won the election? I wonder if that would be what it takes to actually switch it? That's what I've been rooting for in every election that I've been alive, like, for Mitt Romney to win the popular vote but lose Electoral College, but it like, never happens.

• 1:02:41Justin Roczniak?

  That never seems to happen that way.

• 1:02:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's like, the only way we're gonna get rid of it.

• 1:02:45Justin Roczniak?

  The Republicans seem to be better at electioneering.

• 1:02:47Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:02:48Speaker 04

  We needed John Kerry to win Ohio, and then it could've happened.

• 1:02:52Justin Roczniak?

  But, in this election, there's a number of disputed ballots. Twenty total in Florida, Louisiana, Electoral College ballots, I mean. In Florida, Louisiana, Oregon, and South Carolina. These would throw the election to Tilden if even one of them came up Democratic. And the Congress is in disarray. They try all kinds of chicanery to throw the election one way or another. And the inauguration deadline starts, you know, rapidly approaching with no winner declared, right? So, the real power in the United States steps in to mediate. It's down here, Thomas Scott of the Pennsylvania Railroad.

• 1:03:37November Kelly?

  The real president, the fourth and most important branch of government?

• 1:03:43Justin Roczniak?

  The Pennsylvania Railroad, yeah.

• 1:03:44Liam McAnderson?

  Yes.

• 1:03:45Justin Roczniak?

  At this point, I believe the railroad had a larger budget than the United States government.

• 1:03:50November Kelly?

  Wow.

• 1:03:51Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:54Justin Roczniak?

  So, there is, and some historians dispute that this happened, but supposedly there was a secret meeting at James Wormley's hotel, which was the first black-owned upscale hotel in the United States. It's up here. It was in Washington DC. I believe there's a, the first Union Trust building is here now. I don't remember the street address. Um, you know, and, um, you know, a deal was brokered with Southern Democrats and moderate Republicans and dozens, dozens of business leaders in the North and South. Um, so you're going to, number one, you're gonna end Reconstruction and withdraw all Union troops from the South.

• 1:04:36Justin Roczniak?

  Number two, you're gonna appoint at least one Southern Democrat to Hayes Cabinet. Number three, the government's going to approve the extension and subsequent land grants for Tom Scott's Texas and Pacific Railroad as far as San Diego. Number four, you're gonna pass legislation to aid industrialization in the South. Number five, the South gets to be racist again.

• 1:05:02November Kelly?

  So much for woke business, Jesus Christ.

• 1:05:05Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah. So, um, now, most of this happened, but the construction of the TNP Pacific Extension did not. They did not really work on industrialization either. Um, but on March the 2nd, uh, Southern Democrats relented and Rutherford Hayes was declared the winner and was inaugurated only three days later. They really ran out the clock on this.

• 1:05:32November Kelly?

  It's a beautiful piece of like, uh, liberal decision, uh, sort of bargaining, right? It's like, you get everything you want in exchange, my dumbest and like, least backboneed guy gets to be president.

• 1:05:45Justin Roczniak?

  Exactly.

• 1:05:47Speaker 03

  You know, I was thinking about, so like around this time, all of these Civil War generals, they all have beards and photography is still a fairly new innovation. So these, they aren't getting photographed that often. They're not in that, you know, not that many eyeballs on these different pictures of these guys. You could easily just swap them out for each other.

• 1:06:08Liam McAnderson?

  Oh, yeah. This is the president. That Futurama bit, it's my, my competitor, Jack Johnson and me, John Jackson, right? They, they, don't let their identical appearances of, uh, fool you.

• 1:06:21Justin Roczniak?

  There's a, yeah, there's a number of these guys that look very, very similar.

• 1:06:26Liam McAnderson?

  Roz kinda looks like, uh, Rutherford B. Hayes, but more handsome.

• 1:06:28Justin Roczniak?

  I, I, well, my beard's not that long at the moment.

• 1:06:32Liam McAnderson?

  No, but I like you with a long beard. I think you're very handsome.

• 1:06:34Speaker 04

  That was, that was the Democrats' mistake. They keep running guys without beards.

• 1:06:37Liam McAnderson?

  They got, run me, run me. I'll be 35 in a couple of years. Let's go, baby. Liam for president. How bad could it be? 2032, baby.

• 1:06:46Justin Roczniak?

  The next, the next Democrat.

• 1:06:47November Kelly?

  Really grim part is if they shoot Trump with the counter gun, J D Vance is gonna be the first bearded president since, since Rutherford B. Hayes.

• 1:06:57Speaker 04

  It's a Benjamin Harrison.

• 1:06:58November Kelly?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:59Speaker 04

  Fuck. Sorry.

• 1:07:00Justin Roczniak?

  I think, I think Rover Cleveland is like one of the first presidents without a beard. At least in a long time at this point.

• 1:07:08Speaker 04

  So the Tash.

• 1:07:10Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah. So, um, anyway, uh, you know, Hayes is, you know, inaugurated. Um, he, he winds down Reconstruction, but pretty slowly. He does slow walk it a bit. Um, you know, but that does kill, you know, support for Republicans in the South. The South becomes, you know, the solid South. It's all Southern Democrats, right? And it explodes the radical factions of the Republicans, because they were a lot less relevant, you know? The, the, the, the project had been canceled. The South was rising again, right? Um, you know, this is his, like, political legacy is mostly ending Reconstruction and then, you know, some boring stuff.

• 1:07:53Justin Roczniak?

  Like opposing bimetallism, meritocratic civil service reform. He ran a dry White House. He was the first-

• 1:08:02November Kelly?

  That was worth it, wasn't it?

• 1:08:04Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah. He was the first president to visit California. And of course, he crushed the rail red strike of 1877 with federal troops. Um, he did not run for a second term, so.

• 1:08:15November Kelly?

  Again, wa- worth trading it all for.

• 1:08:18Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 1:08:19November Kelly?

  This, for this pillar of strength, for this tower that was the guy who opposed bimetallism?

• 1:08:28Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:30Justin Roczniak?

  That was, that was, no, no, civil service reform, come on. That's, oh, God.

• 1:08:36Speaker 04

  The elites loved the-

• 1:08:37November Kelly?

  Do nothing civil service jobs gave us the novel Moby Dick, okay?

• 1:08:42Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:44Speaker 04

  The elites loved the gold standard. Even JP Morgan's gonna bail America out under Cleveland to keep the gold standard. Yeah, it just worked really well for them, kept their debts as valuable as they were.

• 1:08:57Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, it's, it's, you know, I, there were no men for this moment, I think is a big issue.

• 1:09:05November Kelly?

  Hmm.

• 1:09:07Justin Roczniak?

  So, let's talk about this Garfield fellow.

• 1:09:10Liam McAnderson?

  See, this would have been a good, a good bit to just throw in, uh, Garfield the cat, like, superimposed on Garfield's face.

• 1:09:18Justin Roczniak?

  So, he was born November 19th, 1831, in Moreland Hills, Ohio. He was educated at Hiram College, which was then called the Western Reserve Eclectic Institute.

• 1:09:30November Kelly?

  What a name. Same place that, same place that educated Wes Anderson.

• 1:09:35Justin Roczniak?

  Then later, he went to Williams College, which is where he learned about abolitionism and began considering a career in politics.

• 1:09:44November Kelly?

  Now, they don't teach you that good things can be good at the fucking eclectic institute.

• 1:09:47Speaker 03

  No, they just teach you a lot of random crap.

• 1:09:50Liam McAnderson?

  Yeah. You're gonna learn juggling and most of everything. Dickhead.

• 1:09:56Speaker 03

  He was, I just learned today, Garfield's father was an amateur wrestler at the time. Seems very eclectic in a sense for the 19th century, but he-

• 1:10:06November Kelly?

  I'm back from eclectic school. I've just seen my dad's suplex my neighbor.

• 1:10:14Speaker 04

  Lincoln did that too, so he's truly a Lincoln Republican.

• 1:10:17Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:10:18Justin Roczniak?

  Garfield was very highly educated. He actually, um, he devised an original proof for the Pythagorean theorem.

• 1:10:27Liam McAnderson?

  Wow.

• 1:10:28Speaker 03

  Wow, I've never heard it pronounced that way. That's, uh, I like it, but yeah, big math brain.

• 1:10:33Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, he has a big brain in general.

• 1:10:36Speaker 04

  Can I have a little anecdote from his college? Uh, so he was poor. He had to be janitor at first. Uh, and then he works his way all the way up where he's president of an even better college. So he started as janitor. He did a math proof. He really is Goodwill Hunting as far as presidents go.

• 1:10:50Justin Roczniak?

  Oh yeah, he, he is salt of the earth, you know, he is, uh, came from literally nothing, dirt farmers, you know, he's, uh, you know, he, he is, he's the American dream right here.

• 1:11:02November Kelly?

  Goodwill Hunting, except Goodwill Hunting's dad is busy like arm barring people.

• 1:11:09Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, so he, he went back to Ohio and yeah, he did the whole janitor thing. He started, eventually became, you know, president of Western Reserve Eclectic Institute, which I think at some point became Harum University. I don't know exactly when. Um, he was, he was admitted to the bar. Um, you know, he did not practice as a lawyer for very long because he was elected to the state senate in 1861.

• 1:11:35November Kelly?

  So definitely one of these like young, like a young Turk, like people are looking at this guy like this is gonna be the guy. He's like on the way up.

• 1:11:43Speaker 03

  We elected our town's best professor to the state senate.

• 1:11:48November Kelly?

  He's the smartest guy. Why would we want anyone else?

• 1:11:52Speaker 03

  Exactly, exactly.

• 1:11:53November Kelly?

  He knows how many sides a triangle has.

• 1:11:56Liam McAnderson?

  And can prove it originally.

• 1:11:58Speaker 03

  Yeah, exactly. He didn't actually develop that proof until he was in congress, I think.

• 1:12:04November Kelly?

  We're gonna send him to congress to figure out how many sides a triangle has.

• 1:12:10Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:12:12Justin Roczniak?

  So, the thing is, the war intervened, right? By August of 1861, after rapidly consuming all the knowledge he could about war, he was commissioned as a Colonel in the 42nd Ohio Infantry.

• 1:12:26November Kelly?

  In fairness, you could consume all the knowledge there was about war in about an afternoon.

• 1:12:31Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:31November Kelly?

  Just kind of like, read a couple of pretty thick books.

• 1:12:34Justin Roczniak?

  It took you longer to find the books.

• 1:12:38Speaker 04

  You just say Napoleon a lot. If you talked about Napoleon and concentrating your forces, people thought you did what you were doing.

• 1:12:43Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, exactly. So, the 42nd, the problem with the 42nd Ohio Infantry is that it didn't exist, right? He had to create it from scratch, right? And he did so by recruiting essentially all of Harum College in the surrounding town of Harum.

• 1:13:01Justin Roczniak?

  The 42nd was tasked by Brigadier General Don Carlos Buell.

• 1:13:08November Kelly?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:13:09Liam McAnderson?

  What a day.

• 1:13:10Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, to go kick the Confederates out of eastern Kentucky, right? He did so very effectively, winning the Battle of Middle Creek by deceiving the Confederates into thinking the Union outnumbered them and forcing a retreat. And was subsequently promoted to Brigadier General.

• 1:13:29Speaker 04

  Damn.

• 1:13:29Liam McAnderson?

  Okay.

• 1:13:31Speaker 03

  It must have been good to be a bachelor in Harum, Ohio, I imagine.

• 1:13:37November Kelly?

  This guy invented, like, thinking, as far as all of these guys are concerned. So, like...

• 1:13:44November Kelly?

  He's like, "Ohio and Socrates."

• 1:13:46Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, he is the most educated man, like, outside of, I don't know, Cincinnati, or Columbus, or Cleveland.

• 1:13:55Speaker 03

  He's invented several soda syrups.

• 1:13:56Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:00Justin Roczniak?

  So, in the Union Army, there's two predominant philosophies about what the war was about. Was this a struggle to hold the country together, in which there would be compromises made, um, you know, to keep everyone working together? Or is this a holy war to end slavery?

• 1:14:17Liam McAnderson?

  Holy war, baby.

• 1:14:19Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:14:20Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, Garfield believed the latter.

• 1:14:22Liam McAnderson?

  Yeah!

• 1:14:23Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:14:26Justin Roczniak?

  So after.

• 1:14:27Speaker 03

  Yeah, young Garfield was quite based. He thought Lincoln was too weak, not ballsy enough on abolishing slavery.

• 1:14:36Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, it's, it was, it was definitely like that this, this guy is pretty radical in his youth, right? One of the things he did is after he drove most of the Confederate forces out of eastern Kentucky, he came to this realization. You know, okay, you know, we forced out most of the people. Some people are still holding out. None of the people here own slaves. It's eastern Kentucky. There's no big cotton plantation possible in like Whitesburg. Right? You know, which is roughly where this campaign is happening. So, you know, he, he issues this sort of general amnesty to any Confederate soldier who just wit the fuck home. Which actually worked really good.

• 1:15:19Liam McAnderson?

  Yeah. Don't take arms up against the Union and don't kill your black neighbors.

• 1:15:24November Kelly?

  Guy in Ohio is here to ask you, what are you, what are you doing here?

• 1:15:27Justin Roczniak?

  Why are you here? Just go home.

• 1:15:34November Kelly?

  Holy shit, I hate this.

• 1:15:37Speaker 03

  It was like Carl Winslow would yell, go home, go home, go home at Urkel. It was kind of that, that kind of defense.

• 1:15:44Justin Roczniak?

  The few people who did not heed this, this warning were dealt with that a brief skirmish at Pound Gap. Which is adjacent to the town of Pound.

• 1:15:59Speaker 03

  I've heard of Mind the Gap.

• 1:16:01Justin Roczniak?

  No.

• 1:16:01Liam McAnderson?

  Pound the Gap.

• 1:16:03Justin Roczniak?

  Pound Gap, yeah.

• 1:16:04November Kelly?

  This is a, this is a real pincer movement between go home and if you don't, we'll kill you.

• 1:16:08Liam McAnderson?

  Kill you.

• 1:16:08Justin Roczniak?

  Which is, yeah. Go to Pound Town.

• 1:16:12Liam McAnderson?

  Pound Town at the end of a musket is not a place you want to be.

• 1:16:15November Kelly?

  Hey. Federal pound me in the Gap battle.

• 1:16:19Justin Roczniak?

  Hey, I've been to Pound Gap. So was Liam.

• 1:16:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, buddy, we have.

• 1:16:22Justin Roczniak?

  That's when we went to go visit the Trillbillies.

• 1:16:26Justin Roczniak?

  So, having liberated eastern Kentucky, the 42nd joined up with the 20th Brigade. Uh, the 20th Brigade of the Army of the Ohio, which wound up stuck at Battle of Shiloh. Where the Confederates shot at Garfield all day and missed every time.

• 1:16:44Liam McAnderson?

  He eats shit nerds.

• 1:16:45Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:47Speaker 03

  And those bullets were-

• 1:16:48Speaker 04

  I guess he's hard to hit.

• 1:16:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, I mean, maybe they some got stuck in his beard, but I the wind. The wind in those days, the, yeah, I would think the, those ball bearings were flying all over the place.

• 1:16:59November Kelly?

  No, not so easy when you don't have like an industrial capacity, is it, fellas?

• 1:17:04Justin Roczniak?

  So, after the battle, James Garfield got sick with jaundice, right?

• 1:17:12November Kelly?

  Get, get shot, like, shot at and missed 20 times and then hit with jaundice instead?

• 1:17:19Justin Roczniak?

  And he winds up, he winds up, uh, bedridden and then after that, he works a lot of desk jobs. Um, you know, and plans his return to politics. He won a seat in Congress from Ohio in 1862 while he was still serving in the army. And as a radical Republican, he was unsure of whether to continue to serve in the army or take his seat until President Lincoln told him, "Look, we got too many generals and not enough congressmen."

• 1:17:51November Kelly?

  Does he still think Lincoln's a pussy at this point? Because that's really funny if he does.

• 1:17:56Justin Roczniak?

  He actually does continue to criticize Lincoln in Congress.

• 1:18:02November Kelly?

  I will let you change the course of my life, bitch.

• 1:18:07Justin Roczniak?

  Um, in Congress, uh, during the war, he supported confiscation of Confederate lands, stripping Confederates of Rights, abolition, reconstruction, and, most controversially, abolishing the system of commutation, where draftees could pay to get out of service, right?

• 1:18:26November Kelly?

  No, you're all going to pound Gap with me.

• 1:18:28Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, we're all going to pound town.

• 1:18:34Justin Roczniak?

  So, you know, this is during the war, you know, and one of the reasons why the, uh, the anti-commutation bill never gets passed is that, you know, Lincoln just figures out how to end the war, you know, so that never happens.

• 1:18:47Speaker 03

  Sherman, yeah, that's true, that's true.

• 1:18:51Justin Roczniak?

  And then after the war ends, he begins this unfortunate, long, slow decline into moderation.

• 1:19:01November Kelly?

  Many, many such cases never meet your heroes.

• 1:19:05Justin Roczniak?

  Exactly. Eventually, he falls so low as to oppose the Enforcement Act of 1871, which was intended to curb the power of the Ku Klux Klan, right?

• 1:19:15Liam McAnderson?

  You're a dickhead.

• 1:19:16Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, exactly. He supported Hayes in 1876.

• 1:19:20November Kelly?

  Pointy hoods. He's just a very pro-triangle man.

• 1:19:23Justin Roczniak?

  Well, he, he, he was concerned about executive overreach.

• 1:19:27Liam McAnderson?

  No, he wasn't.

• 1:19:31Justin Roczniak?

  He supported Rutherford Hayes in 1876. He wanted to retire from politics and practice law, but he stayed on for another term because he was popular in his seat. He thought he could galvanize the presidential vote in Ohio. He was elected to the Senate in 1880 and had yet to take office when, you know, there was a presidential election happening at the same time, right?

• 1:19:54November Kelly?

  I really did like putting a bunch of flags on stuff.

• 1:19:58Justin Roczniak?

  Oh, yeah, yeah. They, they, they had, they had, um, I mean, you think that they're doing flag code violations now? Half of, I think half of these things don't even have the right number of stars.

• 1:20:10November Kelly?

  I'm enjoying the ones kind of like wrapped around the bust of, I assume, like Washington or some shit like that. And so, hadn't lost the novelty yet at the time, I guess.

• 1:20:19Speaker 04

  It was harder back then because they would change the number of states so often.

• 1:20:23Speaker 03

  Real quick, is it okay if we take like a five-minute break? I just have to, my, um, space is running out of my disk.

• 1:20:31Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:20:34Justin Roczniak?

  Folks, we are back from a brief break. We may have lost Anders. We may not have, um, let's.

• 1:20:39Liam McAnderson?

  We don't know. No, but you're here? I, I, I am here. Okay, I just hadn't heard you in a while. I wasn't trying to be rude.

• 1:20:44Justin Roczniak?

  Anyway, um, we left on a cliffhanger. Uh, we got to talk about the election of, the election of 1880. Um, so, the Republican Party was divided on Hayes' performance, but had devolved into two much more boring factions, right? They weren't, they weren't the radicals and the moderates. They were now the stalwarts and the half-breeds.

• 1:21:09November Kelly?

  Fucking shadow of Mordor, arse.

• 1:21:11Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah. The stalwarts largely derived from the ranks of the former radicals. While the half breeds consisted mainly of former moderates, there was still some crossover. Ostensibly, the question of civil rights for African Americans in the South was still on the table. But the real split here was the question of civil service reform.

• 1:21:35Liam McAnderson?

  Oh, yes. Fuck me up.

• 1:21:37November Kelly?

  Never reform the civil service, patronage jobs only forever.

• 1:21:41Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:21:44Speaker 04

  This isn't the kind of thing you'd kill anybody over, though.

• 1:21:46Liam McAnderson?

  Oh, oh, I'm glad you asked.

• 1:21:52November Kelly?

  Feeling, feeling like I could be ambassador to France if I sit in this waiting room long enough.

• 1:21:57Liam McAnderson?

  Thank you, thank you, Freddy foreshadowing. Oh, yes, I finally got to use the joke.

• 1:22:04Justin Roczniak?

  So cronies and henchmen are important in a political system that capital G gets things done, right?

• 1:22:14Liam McAnderson?

  Sure.

• 1:22:14Justin Roczniak?

  Which is why the stalwarts wanted to return to the spoils system. The half breeds wanted a government that couldn't do anything and thus supported expanding civil service reform.

• 1:22:27November Kelly?

  Yeah, they wanted meritocracy apart from in the, you know, racism department.

• 1:22:31Justin Roczniak?

  I just, exactly, yeah.

• 1:22:34Justin Roczniak?

  In the 1880 convention, the stalwarts supported nominating former president Ulysses S. Grant for what would be his third term.

• 1:22:44November Kelly?

  Isn't Grant like 900 years old at this point and dying of like throat cancer?

• 1:22:49Justin Roczniak?

  He was also on a European tour, but he did cut it short to come back and campaign.

• 1:22:56Liam McAnderson?

  Oh, my God.

• 1:22:58Justin Roczniak?

  The half breeds were divided between John Sherman, who was a senator from Ohio, and James G. Blaine, who will be a recurring character. He was a senator from Maine.

• 1:23:10Liam McAnderson?

  Blaine, Blaine, James G. Blaine, continental liar from the state of Maine.

• 1:23:14Justin Roczniak?

  Yes, he was involved in, uh, what, um, T-Pod, no, Credit Mobley.

• 1:23:20Liam McAnderson?

  Credit Mobley.

• 1:23:21Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, if anyone remembers that from your history class, because I don't remember.

• 1:23:25Speaker 04

  Garfield, Garfield was involved in that a little bit, uh, too. Yeah, it's a big problem. If you're going to be for Maine, not a very, uh, good state to win from in the corner of the country. You don't want to also have your name rhyme with Maine. That's a real bad song.

• 1:23:38Justin Roczniak?

  No, that's gonna be, that's gonna be an issue later on.

• 1:23:43Justin Roczniak?

  So this convention is a fucking mess, right? No one candidate had anything close to the amount of votes required to secure the nomination. Grant came the closest at 304 out of 379. Uh, Blaine trailed pretty closely. Uh, there was one ballot, there was a second ballot, there was a third ballot. After day one, they had done 18 votes and made no progress, right?

• 1:24:12Justin Roczniak?

  Day two went similar, similarly until seemingly out of nowhere, votes began to shift to this new guy named James Garfield.

• 1:24:22November Kelly?

  Same thing that happens with like papal conclaves where everybody just wants to go home and is bored, so they just kind of pick somebody.

• 1:24:29Justin Roczniak?

  It's like, ah, let's give this guy a shot.

• 1:24:31Liam McAnderson?

  Recording as of this moment, Pope Francis is still alive, but I, I, I do hope that if he shuffles from this mortal coil, they pick the cool Filipino guy.

• 1:24:39Justin Roczniak?

  Oh yeah, they, they keep, they keep, uh, they keep trying to, uh, what's it called? Um, say Pope Francis is gonna die imminently and it's like, ah, he's got kidney failure. Well, you know, it's easy to replace those. Um, and he is the only father, so.

• 1:24:54November Kelly?

  He's, he's, he's old. There's a ton of stuff that, you know, that sounds alarming, but it's just like normal old guy in hospital stuff.

• 1:25:01Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, exactly, exactly. He's gonna live another like 15 years.

• 1:25:05November Kelly?

  You're next to God's ears.

• 1:25:06Liam McAnderson?

  Yeah, I, I, listen, I, I made my deal with God to the Eagles and win the Super Bowl. I'm now making my second deal with God so that, uh, we get Brad a long time.

• 1:25:15Justin Roczniak?

  Yep. So there were some backroom deals. On vote 36, the representative from Ohio and Senator-elect from Ohio, James Garfield.

• 1:25:26Liam McAnderson?

  JD Vance.

• 1:25:27Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, was nominated as the candidate with 399 votes.

• 1:25:33November Kelly?

  The human equivalent of throwing the Xbox controller.

• 1:25:36Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:42Liam McAnderson?

  I really liked that one.

• 1:25:45Liam McAnderson?

  Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I'll elect this guy. Alright, your mom's a whore. Alright, let's do this.

• 1:25:53Justin Roczniak?

  So a load of slurs coming over Xbox Live, you know?

• 1:25:58Speaker 04

  Garfield didn't even want to do it either. Like, at first they try to nominate him and he's like, "Well, can you nominate me without my consent?" And they're like, "You're out of order. We're doing what we want."

• 1:26:07Justin Roczniak?

  We do what we want, yeah. He didn't have a speech planned. He didn't have anything. Just like, "Yeah, yeah, give it to this guy. He seems pretty good."

• 1:26:16Justin Roczniak?

  Apparently, he just went back to his hotel room and cried.

• 1:26:20November Kelly?

  Relatable. That's relatable.

• 1:26:23Justin Roczniak?

  Chester A. Arthur, who was a firm stalwart, was nominated to the vice presidency.

• 1:26:30Justin Roczniak?

  This winds up being, you know, a balanced ticket. Everyone's happy, or at least no one's especially mad at it, right?

• 1:26:38Justin Roczniak?

  In the general election, it is pretty obvious that Hayes's policies have completely thrown the South to the Democrats. You know, he's thoroughly abandoned black voters and it goes, you know, the South goes solid Democrat, but the North is solid Republican. And in the popular vote, it's about 50.01% to 49.99% for the Republicans. I think the difference is 2,000 votes out of 9 million. So in a landslide, Garfield wins the Electoral College with 214 to Winfield Scott Hancock's 155 votes.

• 1:27:18November Kelly?

  Let's fucking go.

• 1:27:19Justin Roczniak?

  I love democracy.

• 1:27:22Speaker 04

  One thing is that it was a little bit closer, just that New York State is the swing state, and it's only 21,000 votes there. And it is helpful that Garfield is working with the New York machine, who's on board with him and willing to do little shenanigans.

• 1:27:36Liam McAnderson?

  When you said New York machine, I assume you're talking about Tammany Hall, right?

• 1:27:39November Kelly?

  Oh yeah, absolutely, Tammany Hall. Being a swing state.

• 1:27:42Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah. You may not have to imagine for too much longer.

• 1:27:46November Kelly?

  Oh, yes, exactly.

• 1:27:52Liam McAnderson?

  This is, this is a good one.

• 1:27:53November Kelly?

  It's, it's time to look at a photograph of a normal man together.

• 1:27:58Justin Roczniak?

  The world's most normal man.

• 1:28:01Liam McAnderson?

  Oh my god!

• 1:28:03November Kelly?

  Awarded most normal looking boy, four years in like sequence.

• 1:28:09Speaker 04

  He was in like a free love sex commune and no one would have sex with him.

• 1:28:13November Kelly?

  Yeah, they used to call him Charles J. Get Out.

• 1:28:16Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 1:28:17November Kelly?

  Man who literally could not get laid in a cult. This is, it's Charles J. Gatto and I'm doing the like hand flourish.

• 1:28:26Justin Roczniak?

  Charles Julius Gatto was born September 8th, 1941.

• 1:28:32Liam McAnderson?

  The Delia has said it.

• 1:28:34Justin Roczniak?

  Illinois.

• 1:28:35November Kelly?

  Highly, highly recommend two sources about Charles J. Gatto. Sarah Vowell's book Assassination Vacation and the Sondheim musical Assassins, in which he has one of my favorite songs.

• 1:28:48Justin Roczniak?

  So, our boy, Charles Gatto inherited a sum of money from, I believe, his uncle and he wanted to use it to attend the University of Michigan to become a lawyer. And he failed the entrance exam.

• 1:29:04Liam McAnderson?

  Oh.

• 1:29:04Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 1:29:05Liam McAnderson?

  Well, who amongst us, you know?

• 1:29:06Justin Roczniak?

  That's gone poorly. So, he moved to Oneida, New York to join the weird utopian sex cult.

• 1:29:14Liam McAnderson?

  Oh, those guys are freaks, yeah!

• 1:29:18Justin Roczniak?

  The Oneida community rejected him, calling him Charles Get Out.

• 1:29:23November Kelly?

  Yeah, a bunch of the women thought that he had really creepy vibes. For some reason, not entirely clear looking at him.

• 1:29:29Liam McAnderson?

  He wants, he wants world's most normal boy!

• 1:29:34November Kelly?

  This guy appears in your room and is just like creepily breathing at you.

• 1:29:38Justin Roczniak?

  I'm, I'm, look, I'm, I'm a part of a sex cult, but I have standards.

• 1:29:47Justin Roczniak?

  He moved to Hoboken, New Jersey to start a newspaper based on the Oneida community's principles, right, which failed instantly, right?

• 1:30:00November Kelly?

  Takes them doing to have a newspaper fail instantly as well.

• 1:30:04Justin Roczniak?

  He moved back to Oneida. He was rejected again by everyone in the community. And he sued their leader, John Humphrey Noyes, for unpaid work he did while as a member of the cult.

• 1:30:18November Kelly?

  It's a cult, of course you're gonna, okay.

• 1:30:20Liam McAnderson?

  Yeah, alright.

• 1:30:21Justin Roczniak?

  That lawsuit was unsuccessful, and I believe his dad wrote a personal letter to John Humphrey Noyes, saying, "Sorry, my son's an idiot. I apologize."

• 1:30:32Speaker 04

  Jesus.

• 1:30:33Justin Roczniak?

  You never wanted, yeah, dad.

• 1:30:35November Kelly?

  You're embarrassing me in front of the cult.

• 1:30:41Justin Roczniak?

  This, this is a man.

• 1:30:43Speaker 04

  Oh, sorry. They, yeah, they do say, like, the dad's like, "Oh, yeah, I would institutionalize him, but I can't afford to." So, uh, some universal healthcare, yeah.

• 1:30:53Speaker 04

  If they had universal healthcare, this whole thing might have been prevented.

• 1:30:57Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, exactly. Um, this is a man with a reverse Midas touch, right? Everything he touched turned to shit.

• 1:31:05Justin Roczniak?

  He moved to Chicago. He got a clerkship, right? He was admitted to the bar. He argued one sec case. His client was-

• 1:31:12November Kelly?

  This is a big break, Gato. This is it. This is, you just gotta lock in. You just gotta lock in.

• 1:31:17Justin Roczniak?

  A cousin Vinny type situation, except he argued one case, his client was convicted, he failed.

• 1:31:27Justin Roczniak?

  So he started doing bill collecting, but while he was collecting the bills for his clients, he forgot to pay the clients afterwards, the money that he had collected.

• 1:31:38Justin Roczniak?

  So he fled his creditors and debt collectors for New York City. Cause that, you could just do that back then, right? And he decided to get into politics as a Democrat.

• 1:31:50November Kelly?

  This repulsively unlovable, deeply weird specimen decided to, like, escape from his army of creditors through the democratic party? I mean, I'm sure that's never gonna be remembered. Don't worry about that.

• 1:32:04Justin Roczniak?

  Now, nevertheless, owing to the political climate, he wound up supporting Republicans. Uh, all the Republicans he supported were losers like Horace Greeley.

• 1:32:14Liam McAnderson?

  A newspaper guy?

• 1:32:16Justin Roczniak?

  Um, I think so.

• 1:32:18Speaker 04

  He then loses to Grant in Grant's second run and he dies before the Electoral College. Uh, so they don't really know what to do with his electors.

• 1:32:27Liam McAnderson?

  Uh, sure.

• 1:32:31Justin Roczniak?

  He also become, begins to become delusional, right? After delivering one speech.

• 1:32:35November Kelly?

  Of course he does. He's a Democrat.

• 1:32:38Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah. He became convinced.

• 1:32:40Liam McAnderson?

  He's electable if you can vote, if you will.

• 1:32:44Justin Roczniak?

  He became convinced.

• 1:32:45November Kelly?

  He started like uttering strange, strange visions of madness like Hillary whips and Nene. She's a hashtag go gone wild and everyone looking at it was like, what the fuck is this?

• 1:32:55Justin Roczniak?

  I have to vote for the dread abuela. Photoshopping your face onto.

• 1:33:00November Kelly?

  Rocking back and forth, just like gotta have high, high hopes for a living.

• 1:33:06Justin Roczniak?

  He has, has a bunch of posters with the candidate's face photoshopped onto, uh, Game of Thrones lady.

• 1:33:16Liam McAnderson?

  What did you call it? The dragon sex show?

• 1:33:18Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, that, that's, uh, yeah, I think I was something like that. I forgot what I, I just called it the dragon show.

• 1:33:26Liam McAnderson?

  You're amazing, man.

• 1:33:27Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 1:33:27November Kelly?

  Like the gorilla channel.

• 1:33:28Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 1:33:31Justin Roczniak?

  Which is regal, by the way. So anyway, um, uh, Gitcho, uh, he, he, he, after delivering one speech, he became convinced that he would be appointed ambassador to Chile.

• 1:33:46November Kelly?

  I mean.

• 1:33:47Liam McAnderson?

  Sure.

• 1:33:47November Kelly?

  You kind of could be in the sense that like, these were all patronage jobs and ambassador wasn't nearly as important as it used to be, particularly to like a small country. It was kind of just like, like honorary consul shit. You can kind of like, it's, it's like the guy who's in like most like sensical American who lives in Chile. That's the ambassador now, I guess.

• 1:34:11Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, you see, he's the one man.

• 1:34:15Justin Roczniak?

  He wrote and published a religious book called The Truth, which was largely plagiarized from John Humphrey Noya's. And he started wandering.

• 1:34:24November Kelly?

  Plagiarize your cult ideas.

• 1:34:26Justin Roczniak?

  He started wandering from town to town preaching. By 1880, he was in Boston, where he was involved in the collision of the SS Stonington and the SS Narragansett.

• 1:34:38Liam McAnderson?

  What do you mean he was involved? Are you gonna elaborate on that?

• 1:34:41Justin Roczniak?

  He was on the Stonington.

• 1:34:43Liam McAnderson?

  Oh, alright. I thought he just piloted it directly, like 9/11, but with boats.

• 1:34:47Justin Roczniak?

  No, he doesn't have enough skill to pilot a boat, let alone into a moving target.

• 1:34:54Liam McAnderson?

  I think you're just dunking on this dead guy.

• 1:34:59Justin Roczniak?

  The Narragansett caught fire and sank with a large loss of life. Giteau was on the Stonington and believed his life was spared for some higher divine purpose.

• 1:35:10November Kelly?

  Become ambassador to Chile.

• 1:35:12Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah. So he returned to politics. He wrote a speech supporting Grant for the 1880 convention, which he delivered twice, apparently very badly. It was then printed and circulated among the delegates. But by the time it was printed and circulated, Garfield had secured the nomination. So the printed copies had Grant scratched out and Garfield inserted instead.

• 1:35:37Liam McAnderson?

  Oh, that's tough, that's tough, man.

• 1:35:41Justin Roczniak?

  Now, he was a delusional crank, obviously, but he also identified as a stalwart, right?

• 1:35:47November Kelly?

  He was on the side of the angels. He was our delusional crank.

• 1:35:51Justin Roczniak?

  Exactly, exactly.

• 1:35:52November Kelly?

  This guy in your DSA chapter.

• 1:35:53Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 1:35:55Justin Roczniak?

  He believed he had secured Garfield's win in the 1880 general election and thus lined up for his well-deserved patronage job. To his horror, civil service reform had occurred. He was clearly unqualified for the position he knew in his heart was his to have. The consulship to Vienna. Or maybe Paris.

• 1:36:17Liam McAnderson?

  Sure.

• 1:36:18Justin Roczniak?

  So he traveled to Washington DC.

• 1:36:20Liam McAnderson?

  Oh boy.

• 1:36:21Justin Roczniak?

  To plead his case. And just starts tailing the president and also Secretary of State James G. Blaine.

• 1:36:29Liam McAnderson?

  Don't, don't.

• 1:36:31November Kelly?

  Well, of course, I could just go to his house because everyone knows where it is. It's like the White House.

• 1:36:37Justin Roczniak?

  Well, the location and daily agenda of the president were printed in several local newspapers.

• 1:36:43November Kelly?

  Oh, God. The assassination daily.

• 1:36:47Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 1:36:50Justin Roczniak?

  So he starts to begin showing up unannounced at official events. He started sending the president and the secretary of state letters on hotel stationery. Because by this time, he can't afford anything. He's penniless. He's in boarding houses, running between boarding houses because he can't pay for boarding. Um, he would try and just happen to run into them on the street and ask, hey, can I get that consulship yet?

• 1:37:18November Kelly?

  Trying to do a meet cute with James G. Blaine.

• 1:37:21Liam McAnderson?

  How's this going for you?

• 1:37:24Justin Roczniak?

  Till eventually Blaine finally snapped at him, "Never talk about the consulship to me again. Fuck you." He didn't say fuck you. They didn't swear back then.

• 1:37:32Liam McAnderson?

  No, they just, lot of slurs.

• 1:37:35Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 1:37:37Liam McAnderson?

  Slurs we can't even dream up. We've lost the technology.

• 1:37:40November Kelly?

  It's true. It's true. Because we, we, we swear so much more now. Lost the impact, you know?

• 1:37:46Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, everyone's on boats more, so they start swearing more.

• 1:37:50November Kelly?

  If you, if you commit to never swearing in your life, then it's gonna hit so much harder when you just like haul off and call a guy an Irishman.

• 1:37:58Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, that's a good point. That's a good point.

• 1:38:03Justin Roczniak?

  So now, he's mad.

• 1:38:06Liam McAnderson?

  And he has a gun.

• 1:38:07November Kelly?

  You, you have angered the normalist boy.

• 1:38:10Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 1:38:11November Kelly?

  Normalist boy status angered.

• 1:38:15Justin Roczniak?

  Right, so James Garfield, he's kind of a compromised candidate as such.

• 1:38:20November Kelly?

  Stop putting flags on things, you maniacs.

• 1:38:23Justin Roczniak?

  I want to see like booths like this come back for inaugurations. You know, let me get the, let me get the big shield. Let me get whatever the hell this is. Big eagle.

• 1:38:34November Kelly?

  Like flower antennas?

• 1:38:36Liam McAnderson?

  Oh, it looks like Bioshock Infinite in this bitch, yeah.

• 1:38:38Justin Roczniak?

  Someone spent, you know, 400 hours carving this. They're gonna use it for 20 minutes.

• 1:38:45November Kelly?

  Bioshock Infinite was such a fucking missed opportunity. Sorry, sorry, go ahead, go ahead.

• 1:38:52Justin Roczniak?

  Garfield's a compromised candidate as such. The administration got off to kind of a rocky start, right? The leader of the stalwarts was Roscoe Conkling, right?

• 1:39:01November Kelly?

  Don't make a name like that anymore. Fantastic.

• 1:39:04Justin Roczniak?

  And he feuded with Garfield over cabinet appointments, specifically the half-breed James Blaine as Secretary of State.

• 1:39:12November Kelly?

  Oh, good. It's like the name of his like political faction, but that's so insulting.

• 1:39:20Justin Roczniak?

  Appointments below the cabinet were a mix of the sort of meritocratic, civil service type guys and straight up old fashioned patronage, right?

• 1:39:33Justin Roczniak?

  And so Garfield doesn't accomplish very much in his first four months, right? He does some more civil service reform, but it's kind of minor. He nominates Stanley Matthews to the Supreme Court.

• 1:39:49Justin Roczniak?

  He made some moves to break the solid South by trying to entangle the Republicans' party's patronage network with the new readjuster party in Virginia that was run by a Confederate general turned Rainbow Coalition leader Billy Mahone, who was talked about previously on this podcast. The only Confederate general who kind of made amends afterwards.

• 1:40:19Liam McAnderson?

  Alright, we'll take it.

• 1:40:20Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 1:40:21Liam McAnderson?

  Take what we can get here, folks.

• 1:40:23Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, and then, well, it, it, the readjuster party did a lot more than pretty much any faction of the Republicans at this point in time.

• 1:40:35Justin Roczniak?

  And he did some boring stuff with the Navy and preparing to build the Panama Canal and stuff like that. I think, you know, with, if you're trying to make inroads with the readjuster party, you know, maybe something really great could have happened with a few more years, but circumstances intervened here.

• 1:40:53November Kelly?

  In, in the form of the normalist boy.

• 1:40:55Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 1:40:56Liam McAnderson?

  Yes.

• 1:40:56Justin Roczniak?

  So, um, here we go. Washington DC is disgusting in the summer.

• 1:41:02November Kelly?

  Great place to do a live show in, uh, May.

• 1:41:06Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 1:41:08Justin Roczniak?

  I'd be fine in May. Early May, you'll be good.

• 1:41:11Liam McAnderson?

  Yeah, otherwise you're, you're sweating through everything, no.

• 1:41:14Justin Roczniak?

  Oh yeah, we were doing in the summer, I would say, uh, you gotta get a, some kind of portable air conditioner.

• 1:41:19Liam McAnderson?

  Yeah.

• 1:41:20Justin Roczniak?

  You know, for the, well, the venue is pretty far from the metro. Oh God. Um, so.

• 1:41:26Liam McAnderson?

  I'd book it. Actually, I did literally book it.

• 1:41:27November Kelly?

  Maybe, maybe, maybe little Marco Rubio is saving my life here.

• 1:41:33Justin Roczniak?

  Before air conditioning, everyone who could leave in the summer, left.

• 1:41:39November Kelly?

  Yeah, it used to be, it still is in Paris, actually. Uh, just like summer, everybody leaves the capital, cause it's gross.

• 1:41:46Justin Roczniak?

  Yes. James Garfield, the President of the United States, was no exception.

• 1:41:52November Kelly?

  Uh, please tell me the US has a summer capital.

• 1:41:55Justin Roczniak?

  Uh, yeah, it's called Mar-a-Lago.

• 1:41:57Liam McAnderson?

  No. Boo, tomato, tomato.

• 1:42:00Justin Roczniak?

  So, he planned to travel north to Williams College in Massachu- Massachusetts, right? To deliver a speech and then take a well-deserved summer vacation. Now, in Washington DC at the time, there were two train stations. If you're going north or going south, you went to the Baltimore and Potomac Station at, um, Sixth Street. And if you were going west, you went to the Baltimore and Ohio Station at New Jersey Avenue.

• 1:42:32Justin Roczniak?

  President's going north, so he heads for the Baltimore and Potomac Station to catch whatever the Baltimore and Potomac's equivalent of the Acela was.

• 1:42:41November Kelly?

  New Cellar?

• 1:42:42Justin Roczniak?

  Well, yeah, no, it's the same tracks. Uh, the tunnel through Baltimore is the same tunnel. So, yeah, I guess so.

• 1:42:51November Kelly?

  The proto Acela.

• 1:42:53Justin Roczniak?

  The proto Acela, yeah. Well, I think he's going to New Jersey to change trains. He's gonna get a ferry across New York Harbor, and he's gonna get on the New York, New Haven and Hartford, and he's gonna have to take that up to Boston.

• 1:43:05November Kelly?

  Such a pain in the ass. You're thinking about that journey, and you're like, Jesus Christ, someone shoot me in the back, please?

• 1:43:10Justin Roczniak?

  This is way, way...

• 1:43:15Justin Roczniak?

  Well, the BNP Tunnel had just opened, and um, they had just finished the bridge over the Susquehanna, so this was... They had actually just recently shaved two days off this journey, so...

• 1:43:26November Kelly?

  Oh my god.

• 1:43:28Liam McAnderson?

  Much like the train that never ends, it's the podcast that never ends.

• 1:43:31Justin Roczniak?

  Yes.

• 1:43:33Liam McAnderson?

  How you doing there, Nova?

• 1:43:34November Kelly?

  I'm surviving, I'm good.

• 1:43:37November Kelly?

  I'm gonna have to write the next No Gods, No Mess in about, uh, ten hours, but like, other than that, it's all good.

• 1:43:44Justin Roczniak?

  Now, Gatto has seen the schedule in the newspaper, of course, he's been plotting, right? He's been selected by...

• 1:43:51Liam McAnderson?

  Called by God.

• 1:43:52Justin Roczniak?

  Selected by Providence, divinely inspired, to shoot the President and raise stalwart Chester A. Arthur to the presidency.

• 1:44:00Liam McAnderson?

  Yeah, who could blame him? I get it.

• 1:44:02Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah. And bring back the adored spoils system.

• 1:44:07November Kelly?

  Yeah, and then once they, once they let me out of jail for this whole shooting the President misunderstanding, they're gonna make me Ambassador to France.

• 1:44:14Justin Roczniak?

  Yes. He borrowed money from a relative, he bought a fancy revolver, it's like a British bulldog.

• 1:44:21November Kelly?

  He specifically looked for a revolver with nicer grips because he thought it would look nicer in a museum.

• 1:44:26Justin Roczniak?

  Oh, yes.

• 1:44:27November Kelly?

  And it's not on public display, so another L for Charles Gatto.

• 1:44:32Liam McAnderson?

  Brutal.

• 1:44:34Justin Roczniak?

  He wrote cryptic letters to Garfield.

• 1:44:37Liam McAnderson?

  Never one cryptic letters.

• 1:44:39Justin Roczniak?

  To, you know, change his policies and Garfield ignored them. He wrote to William Cus- to Cumza Sherman.

• 1:44:47Liam McAnderson?

  Oh no.

• 1:44:47Justin Roczniak?

  Begging for protection from the angry mob that would surely arrive after he shot the president, which was also ignored.

• 1:44:55Liam McAnderson?

  Yeah.

• 1:44:57Justin Roczniak?

  He went to the Washington DC jail to ask for a tour of the facility so he could get to know it before he was in prison. They told him to come back later.

• 1:45:09Liam McAnderson?

  Ah.

• 1:45:10Justin Roczniak?

  Which he did.

• 1:45:13Justin Roczniak?

  He spent a full month tailing the president everywhere he went, almost worked up the gall to shoot him once.

• 1:45:19Liam McAnderson?

  Just kill this guy dude.

• 1:45:21Justin Roczniak?

  Well, Garfield's wife Lucretia was there and he didn't want to upset her.

• 1:45:26Liam McAnderson?

  No, just.

• 1:45:27November Kelly?

  Two, two, two things. Two things. Thing, thing one, how do you think she's gonna feel if you shoot her, if you shoot him when she's not there? Probably fucking great. Thing two, Lucretia, insane name on like an Anglo woman.

• 1:45:42Justin Roczniak?

  Incredible name, yeah.

• 1:45:44November Kelly?

  We had a. Nobody, nobody cisgender is moving like that.

• 1:45:47Justin Roczniak?

  I've never, I've never met a Lucretia before.

• 1:45:50Speaker 04

  And then you call her like Crete as a nickname and that's not that sweet of a nickname.

• 1:45:57November Kelly?

  Like, like the island?

• 1:46:00Speaker 04

  I did think of that, yeah.

• 1:46:01Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 1:46:02November Kelly?

  Cool.

• 1:46:02Speaker 04

  It's almost like calling her creep though.

• 1:46:04November Kelly?

  Yeah, I've never, you need, if you've never met a woman named Lucretia before, there will be a she, they at one of the live shows, I promise.

• 1:46:10Liam McAnderson?

  Yeah, I, uh, we had a cat named Lucretia Borja, yes, named after the Duchess.

• 1:46:15November Kelly?

  Oh yeah.

• 1:46:16Liam McAnderson?

  And she hid under the bed, uh, except when it was time to eat and then she would stick a paw out and sort of bat the food towards her. She was amazing. I miss that cat.

• 1:46:24November Kelly?

  What should I name my, my, my 19th century daughter? How about after this famous poisoner?

• 1:46:30Liam McAnderson?

  Yeah. It goes, it goes. They don't name like they used to. A Lucretia Mott portrait on Wikipedia is not flattering.

• 1:46:37Justin Roczniak?

  Lucretia Garfield?

• 1:46:39Liam McAnderson?

  Lucretia Mott, my fault.

• 1:46:40Justin Roczniak?

  Okay, okay.

• 1:46:42Liam McAnderson?

  Look at this haunted visage, god damn.

• 1:46:46Justin Roczniak?

  On July 2nd, in the morning, Garfield and Secretary of State Blaine arrived at the Baltimore and Potomac Station.

• 1:46:56Justin Roczniak?

  Gittio arrived too, and he told his cab driver, "I don't need a ride back because I'm going to be arrested and going to jail instead."

• 1:47:06November Kelly?

  Cab driver visibly not giving a shit.

• 1:47:10Liam McAnderson?

  Pulling out a bottle of like what I can only describe as corn liquor.

• 1:47:14Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah. You know, the president's in there, right? Oh, guess what I'm gonna do?

• 1:47:21Justin Roczniak?

  Garfield and Blaine entered the station through the ladies waiting room, which I was very confused about. But apparently, the B Street entrance, which is the main entrance to the station, just goes through the ladies wa- waiting room.

• 1:47:38Justin Roczniak?

  B Street would be Constitution Avenue now. This station was, uh, where the, uh, National Gallery of Art is now. So they start, they're walking towards the main waiting room.

• 1:47:51November Kelly?

  No security or nothing, just these two guys.

• 1:47:55Justin Roczniak?

  There's just some attendants in the ladies waiting room. I think Gittio was like concealed behind a curtain or something. He came out behind the curtain. He walked towards the president and shot him and missed.

• 1:48:12Liam McAnderson?

  You fucking.

• 1:48:14Justin Roczniak?

  The president.

• 1:48:15Liam McAnderson?

  Guys, like, come on, man. I get it's like 1880 and like the pistols aren't that good, but like, come on, dude. You've had, just run up and stab him in the back. Just run up and just, I know it looks like I'm jerking off, but I'm not. I'm trying to stab the president.

• 1:48:27Justin Roczniak?

  He had considered stabbing the president.

• 1:48:31Liam McAnderson?

  What? Yeah. Yeah. You stabbed the president.

• 1:48:34November Kelly?

  Very Julius Caesar. Was able to pull off this assassination with a box of scraps allegedly.

• 1:48:41Justin Roczniak?

  He admired the president enough that he thought, given the president's stature, if he stabbed the president, the president would immediately whip around and punch him in the face so hard he would die instantly.

• 1:48:56November Kelly?

  Like, normal style old man. He's not like, doing Krav Maga.

• 1:49:05November Kelly?

  It's like, no, no, no, if I, if I stab, I'm not, he specialized in like melee fighting. He's gonna like whip around, he's gonna do pen chucks, a lot combos on all my fucking load bearing joints.

• 1:49:17Justin Roczniak?

  Gonna do a Mortal Kombat fatality on me.

• 1:49:21November Kelly?

  Mortal Kombat! Yeah.

• 1:49:26November Kelly?

  What, do you think I'm stupid? Of course I know that a president can't be killed with like a mortal blade.

• 1:49:34November Kelly?

  It's why it's never happened still. You gotta shoot him, but they're not like...

• 1:49:40November Kelly?

  They've got a damage resistance.

• 1:49:43Justin Roczniak?

  The president was startled and turned slightly, and Gito shot him again. This time, he hit the president square in the back. The president fell down and exclaimed, "My god, what is this?"

• 1:49:58November Kelly?

  Not a great line, all things considered. Should've done the pen chucks a lot.

• 1:50:03November Kelly?

  You know, but what can you do?

• 1:50:05Justin Roczniak?

  Blaine was in shock. There in the same room was Secretary of War, Robert Todd Lincoln, who was completely flabbergasted, "My god, it's happened again."

• 1:50:16November Kelly?

  Oh, come on, man!

• 1:50:18Justin Roczniak?

  He would also go on to be present at the McKinley assassination.

• 1:50:23November Kelly?

  Just real bad luck around Robert Todd Lincoln.

• 1:50:26Justin Roczniak?

  He started refusing invitations to presidential events.

• 1:50:31November Kelly?

  I guess if he accepts it, it means he doesn't like you, you know?

• 1:50:35Speaker 04

  So after, after all the assassinations, he retires and he becomes a railroad CEO. He takes over the Pullman Company.

• 1:50:46Justin Roczniak?

  Hi, it's Justin. Uh, so this is a commercial for the podcast that you're already listening to. Uh, people are annoyed by these, so let me get to the point. We have this thing called Patreon, right? The deal is, you give us two bucks a month, and we give you an extra episode once a month. Uh, sometimes it's a little inconsistent, but you know, it's two bucks, you get what you pay for. Um, it also gets you our full back catalog of bonus episodes, so you can learn about exciting topics like guns, pickup trucks, or pickup trucks with guns on them.

• 1:51:21Justin Roczniak?

  The money we raise through Patreon goes to making sure that the only ad you hear on this podcast is this one. Anyway, that's something to consider if you have two bucks to spare each month. Join at patreon.com/ W T Y P pod. Do it if you want, or don't. It's your decision and we respect that. Back to the show.

• 1:51:52Speaker 03

  Somehow Anders Lee returned.

• 1:51:55Speaker 03

  Three, two, one, mark. All right. All right, let me bring you up to speed. We've just assassinated the president.

• 1:52:06November Kelly?

  The president has just been shot.

• 1:52:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:52:07November Kelly?

  The president's been shot, Anders.

• 1:52:11Speaker 03

  I don't like that, not this one.

• 1:52:12November Kelly?

  Turn on the ticket safe, any channel.

• 1:52:15Speaker 03

  This is, this is, he is, I think, my favorite president, I will say. Garfield, for a while it was Roosevelt, like a lot of people. And then I switched to Harrison, William Henry Harrison, not because I like him, but because I thought he maybe did the least damage because he was only present for like a month. And then I found out about Garfield and he's a great president because he died, you know, a little after Harrison did, but he leaves a lot of improbable, improbable counterfactuals for like, this is the guy who would have restarted Reconstruction, which is probably not true, but it is something to like, tell myself, you know?

• 1:52:57November Kelly?

  America's co-past president.

• 1:52:59Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, we talked a bit about, you know, contact, getting in contact with Billy Mahone and seeing if we could, you know, readjust or use the readjuster party as part of the Republican spoil system, which that coalition is sort of, you know, the one you would want if you were like, okay, we're gonna, we're gonna kick Reconstruction back into gear. But yeah, his, his time was cut short, unfortunately.

• 1:53:26Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm, yeah.

• 1:53:27Justin Roczniak?

  So, anyway, you know, Gieto expected to be arrested immediately, but he still panicked.

• 1:53:34November Kelly?

  Like, obviously the, the Secret Service is gonna attack me. What do you mean they don't do that?

• 1:53:38Justin Roczniak?

  That's for counterfeiting.

• 1:53:43Justin Roczniak?

  And he still, he still panics. He runs away for the cab and he runs right into a police officer. And he was immediately arrested.

• 1:53:51November Kelly?

  I just, one baffled cop versus again, Earth's weirdest boy.

• 1:53:56Justin Roczniak?

  I was about to say, he ju- he just assassinated the president next to the other guy who recognized him. So I don't know if...

• 1:54:05November Kelly?

  He's also been writing letters to him, following around. I guess, between this and Kennedy, it is crazy how if you're a beat cop, run into the guy who just assassinated the president is on the list of things that can happen to you.

• 1:54:17Liam McAnderson?

  Yeah.

• 1:54:19Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 1:54:19Speaker 04

  And they said, Kearney, uh, he forgot to take the gun away. He was so shocked.

• 1:54:23Justin Roczniak?

  Yes.

• 1:54:25November Kelly?

  It's like, you're under arrest. You keep this for a second and I'll, I'll go and get back.

• 1:54:28Liam McAnderson?

  Hold on one second.

• 1:54:31Speaker 04

  And Gato was like, no, you need this. You're gonna have to put it in a museum for me.

• 1:54:38Justin Roczniak?

  So anyway, unlikely he would have gotten away clean. We'll talk more about what happened to him later.

• 1:54:44Justin Roczniak?

  So, alright, the president's been shot. We gotta call a doctor.

• 1:54:50November Kelly?

  We do.

• 1:54:50Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 1:54:51November Kelly?

  I, I see this cool engraving here. Oh my God, they blinded this child.

• 1:54:59November Kelly?

  Colonel Sam, this is that?

• 1:55:01Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:55:04Justin Roczniak?

  Alright, so the station attendants immediately assisted the stricken president, right? Uh, Blaine called for a mattress to be brought. The president was hauled upstairs to a bed on the second floor of the BNP station.

• 1:55:18November Kelly?

  Things you wanna do with a gunshot wound, right? You wanna move that person as much as possible in like the least coordinated way you can.

• 1:55:26Justin Roczniak?

  Yes, exactly. Um, to, to, uh, I assume it's like the, the, the station master's apartment in there. That's why there's a bed up there.

• 1:55:36November Kelly?

  Uh, just, just throw the president anywhere.

• 1:55:38Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, exactly. After the arrival of the surgeons, they all decided the president could be moved back to the White House. Then the real treatment could begin. It's hard to know exactly how severe the wound was. You know, it's a large bullet, but a small hole. And the doctors are about to do a lot of stuff.

• 1:55:59November Kelly?

  It's a 442 revolver, like a 442 Webley, which is, uh, yowch, you know, big bullet.

• 1:56:09Speaker 03

  Why was the hole so small? Is just his skin was that tough and dexterous?

• 1:56:13Justin Roczniak?

  It's small compared to how big it's going to be.

• 1:56:17Speaker 03

  Oh, okay.

• 1:56:18Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 1:56:18Speaker 03

  Gotcha. So it's funny how, I mean, sorry, like, Lincoln gets assassinated, you know, 20 years or so earlier, and they just figure, eh, that's never gonna happen again. President doesn't need security.

• 1:56:32November Kelly?

  Uh, it was, it was, it was that one specific, like, Civil War beef after that. Who would want to kill a guy as inoffensive as, as, as Andrew Garfield?

• 1:56:41Justin Roczniak?

  Look, I mean, you know, this, this continues for a long time. I mean, Nixon goes and hangs out with the protesters, you know, uh, Bill Clinton goes out on jogs and just randomly changes his route and pisses off the Secret Service. If you're president, you can just go places. They can't stop you. Um, it's just the few that choose to do so.

• 1:57:04Speaker 04

  Yeah, they said it would be like trying to prevent a lightning strike.

• 1:57:06Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 1:57:08Speaker 04

  I, I sort of like it better. I like the idea that it's just a regular person and it's not this weird entity who lives in this fortress.

• 1:57:13Justin Roczniak?

  The president's just like a regular guy, you know, who walks around town and sometimes you see him. You know, that sounds like a lot better. At least, you know, if you live in DC.

• 1:57:21November Kelly?

  Two separate people have, like, come perilously close to killing Trump just by showing up where they know he's gonna be with a rifle?

• 1:57:29Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, I, yeah.

• 1:57:31Speaker 03

  It's so amazing to me that Barack Obama is not that bad.

• 1:57:34November Kelly?

  Yeah, for real.

• 1:57:35Speaker 03

  It's just like the, the quality of assassins in the US was just slacking in the 2010s. Like, what, what was going on? You had, you know, probably thousands, if not a million people who wanted to kill him. They just couldn't get their shit together.

• 1:57:49Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, I mean, you, you have to be in the right place at the right time. I mean, two, uh, both a president and vice president have visited the block my house is on, so I, I mean, you know, they, they're not that thorough. I didn't get, like, interviewed by the Secret Service, but...

• 1:58:04November Kelly?

  Not yet, bud.

• 1:58:05Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 1:58:06Speaker 04

  It's weird because they had them a lit-

• 1:58:08November Kelly?

  First time printing out an entire podcast, you know?

• 1:58:11Justin Roczniak?

  Oh my god. You imagine a judge reading this transcript? That'd be bad.

• 1:58:19Justin Roczniak?

  I'm not-

• 1:58:19November Kelly?

  Luckily, it's a transcript. It's already banned from entering the US.

• 1:58:22Justin Roczniak?

  Oh my god.

• 1:58:26November Kelly?

  We'll see.

• 1:58:28Justin Roczniak?

  So we have to talk about Dr. Dr. Willard Bliss.

• 1:58:33November Kelly?

  But.

• 1:58:34Justin Roczniak?

  Oh, yes.

• 1:58:35Speaker 03

  The Doctor Bliss. It's quite a name for such an incompetent man.

• 1:58:40Justin Roczniak?

  His first name was Doctor, and he was a doctor.

• 1:58:46Justin Roczniak?

  He studied at Cleveland Medical College. He moved to Washington DC. He was expelled from the DC Medical Society in 1853 for hawking a bunch of bullshit herbal remedies. I mean, for them to say it was bullshit in 1853, they had to really be bullshit.

• 1:59:04November Kelly?

  Yeah, mostly arsenic.

• 1:59:07Justin Roczniak?

  His reputation was restored due to his medical work during the war, and he became superintendent of the Armory Square Hospital. He was readmitted to the Medical Society, then got into homeopathy.

• 1:59:21November Kelly?

  Seems like a mistake. Real lesson there, never give somebody a second chance.

• 1:59:26Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah. Well, worse still, and what really pissed off the Medical Society is that he wanted to desegregate the Medical Society.

• 1:59:35November Kelly?

  All right, so is that all bad?

• 1:59:36Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 1:59:37November Kelly?

  He's like, listen, I, I, I believe in like a rational, scientific career, and I think people of any race can practice homeopathy.

• 1:59:45Justin Roczniak?

  Yes.

• 1:59:47Speaker 03

  Well, he was very forward thinking, you know, he thought he understood race as a construct, um, but he, to a fault, because he also thought germs were not real and a construct. Um, to, to be fair to homeopaths, though, the guy who, one of his critics, who ended up being right, which we'll get to, also had trained in, in homeopathy, so it was like a more of a, uh, the accepted thing.

• 2:00:09November Kelly?

  Thinking, thinking that germs are a social construct is, is, to be honest, that one friend who's too woke.

• 2:00:14Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, that's.

• 2:00:17Justin Roczniak?

  Sometimes you gotta do political science, you know, I mean, let's look at like, like senkoism, you know?

• 2:00:23November Kelly?

  Yeah.

• 2:00:25Justin Roczniak?

  So this idea, right, oh, hold on. Nevertheless, um, the good Dr. Doctor and Garfield had been acquaintances their entire lives. So when the call went out for doctors, and he's two doctors, you gotta remember, and surgeons, he managed to be one of the first on the scene and quickly got himself put in charge, right? This idea of antiseptic medicine, right? Sterilization of an equipment to reduce infection, so on and so forth. This was around at the time. In fact, I think at this point, it was widely practiced in Europe. But Dr. Doctor, having been burned by the Society for Homöpathy, wanted nothing to do with it.

• 2:01:09Justin Roczniak?

  Plus, there was more pressing matters at hand. They gotta get that bullet out, right? So he went to work with his bare, unwashed hands, probing around the wound.

• 2:01:19November Kelly?

  Just stick it up. Don't finger fuck the president.

• 2:01:23Liam McAnderson?

  Yeah.

• 2:01:29Speaker 03

  Man, I wonder how clean his daily routine was. I'm hoping he just like lived in a bathtub full of these soap bubbles and didn't do anything nasty.

• 2:01:40November Kelly?

  No, he was walking around on like horse shit infested streets.

• 2:01:43Speaker 03

  Yeah. It's a miracle that he lived as long as he did with this practice.

• 2:01:49November Kelly?

  It's cool that the guy's wearing a lab coat. I don't know why he's got a red handkerchief hanging out of the left pocket, but you know.

• 2:01:57Justin Roczniak?

  So he got pretty aggressive with searching for the bullet, right? While the fully conscious president, he was, they gave him a lot of morphine, he's still moaning in pain. Dr. Dr. Bliss was convinced if he could just dig a little deeper, he could find the damn thing. He was clear.

• 2:02:14November Kelly?

  He was moaning too, as I was a doctor, three knuckles deep in my fucking back. Yeah, that too. Had a different, different conception of back shots back then.

• 2:02:23Justin Roczniak?

  This is a new, uh, new, new version of blowing your back out.

• 2:02:29Justin Roczniak?

  It was clear enough to the other physicians that this is not producing results, but only one person spoke up, that was Dr. Charles Purvis, who was the only black doctor in attendance. He was like, what the fuck are you doing, man? And, uh, yeah, his complaints were ignored. How dare you speak up?

• 2:02:48November Kelly?

  It's it's it's cool. The guy ignoring him and killing the president is not racist.

• 2:02:52Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 2:02:53November Kelly?

  I'm not ignoring you because of that. I'm ignoring you because I'm bad as hell at my job.

• 2:02:58Justin Roczniak?

  I'm not racist. I'm just an asshole.

• 2:03:05Justin Roczniak?

  So they return him to the White House against all odds. The president starts recovering fairly quickly. Right? He's he's able to sit up. He's in good spirits, right? You know, this doesn't stop doctor doctor from coming in, reopening the wound, searching for the bullet every day for several days.

• 2:03:28November Kelly?

  Somewhere. So I guess we gotta.

• 2:03:30Justin Roczniak?

  We gotta get it out. I mean, it's clearly at some point it's gonna do something bad. I don't understand this. There's something about like blood poisoning or something.

• 2:03:39Liam McAnderson?

  Yeah. Oh, boy.

• 2:03:41Speaker 03

  Well, I have. I have read that there are many occasions when it's actually the smarter move to just leave the bullet in there.

• 2:03:48Justin Roczniak?

  Yes.

• 2:03:49Speaker 03

  And like, treat the wound, let it hang out, become a part of your fucking biology. Um, you know, you can say you're have steel in your blood. Uh, and yeah, if you just treat the wound, you can like it. Taking it out can actually cause damage.

• 2:04:04November Kelly?

  One of the worries at this point is the idea that it's gonna like carry clothing and stuff into the body. And that's gonna like cause infection, but I had apparently that's really like hit and miss. The the other thing about this is the cause like, um, expanding bullets, like, you know, like hollow point bullets aren't really a thing yet. So it's just in one piece, pretty much. It's like one piece of metal that's just hanging out.

• 2:04:27Justin Roczniak?

  It's just a hunk, uh, just a hunk of metal. Yeah.

• 2:04:30Speaker 03

  It also seems like an old timey treatment from that era to just like shoot a ball of, you know, steel into somebody's pelvis and that that is also gonna cure like lymphoma or something is what they thought.

• 2:04:43Justin Roczniak?

  So anyway, he's still probing for the bullet each day, making the president miserable. He kicked out all the other doctors, including, I believe, the president's personal physician. Keeps doing all these surgeries alone with only the assistance of the cabinet members' wives as nurses.

• 2:05:04November Kelly?

  No training, just like qualifications, woman.

• 2:05:08Speaker 03

  Woman.

• 2:05:08Justin Roczniak?

  You're a woman, you can be a nurse.

• 2:05:11Liam McAnderson?

  Lawrence Nightingale did it in a role.

• 2:05:12Speaker 03

  Is this the, is this what Trump has been undoing? The, the mass DEI, uh, you know, deterministic female nurses?

• 2:05:22Speaker 04

  Cheryl Heinz is gonna have to like perform surgery soon.

• 2:05:27Justin Roczniak?

  It's gonna be an issue in the first Trump administration when the, you know, you get Elaine Chao in, you know, I mean.

• 2:05:37Justin Roczniak?

  So on the scene in just a few days as a stroke of luck was one Alexander Graham Bell, right? Who had recently devised a contraption known as a metal detector, which had proven effective on several patients for just this purpose, locating the bullet, right?

• 2:05:56Liam McAnderson?

  Right.

• 2:05:57Justin Roczniak?

  He was admitted to see the president, but Dr. Dr. Bliss was very adamant about the location of the bullet. So he only allowed Alexander Graham Bell to use the device in the location where he thought the bullet was.

• 2:06:15Justin Roczniak?

  So.

• 2:06:15November Kelly?

  Which it wasn't.

• 2:06:16Justin Roczniak?

  It was not there.

• 2:06:18November Kelly?

  Of course.

• 2:06:19Justin Roczniak?

  The machine did not detect the bullet in the place where the bullet was not.

• 2:06:27Speaker 03

  But turns out there's eight other bullets just in your body.

• 2:06:32November Kelly?

  Recreationally shot, like a bunch of times they thought they'd missed him in Shiloh.

• 2:06:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, exactly.

• 2:06:37November Kelly?

  He's just been tangling those, like, whatever, man.

• 2:06:41Speaker 03

  Just a flesh wound.

• 2:06:46Justin Roczniak?

  When the machine was recalibrated, it made a weird inconclusive sound where Dr. Dr. Bliss thought the bullet was. And he was even more convinced, we gotta keep looking over there.

• 2:06:58November Kelly?

  Yeah. He, he, he tanked all of the Confederate bullets because he, it was the first time he was shot by someone who wasn't racist. That was the only time he deemed to pay any attention. All the other times, like, I respond to that. That's beneath me.

• 2:07:12Speaker 03

  Sorry, blocked and reported.

• 2:07:19Justin Roczniak?

  So he reopened the wound. He dug deeper into the president. His condition-

• 2:07:25November Kelly?

  Leave this man's wound channels alone.

• 2:07:28Justin Roczniak?

  His condition began to worsen. He started to be unable to keep food down, even liquids. Which leads us to feeding per rectum as illustrated in the case of the late President Garfield and others.

• 2:07:43November Kelly?

  And others. When I said he was flagging fisting top, I was joking.

• 2:07:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:07:49Liam McAnderson?

  I don't like that. I don't like any of those words and that order, any order. I don't like fisting top. I just, no, that's not for Leo.

• 2:07:56Justin Roczniak?

  This, this is an actual paper published by, you will see here, the man himself.

• 2:08:02November Kelly?

  Beef extract.

• 2:08:04Liam McAnderson?

  What? Oh, Jesus. Yeah, let me, oh, no.

• 2:08:08Justin Roczniak?

  I'm just gonna read from this for a bit here. Dr. Dr. Bliss, right? He loved shoving things up people's butts. And here was the most powerful man in the country, under his care, so it was time to shove things up his butt, right?

• 2:08:26Speaker 03

  Which, to be fair, I, when I first read about this case, I was led to believe, I was given the impression that the, he was putting these things up his butt, steak, fudge, etc., for the richness, just like the, the food itself would just help-

• 2:08:43Liam McAnderson?

  What?

• 2:08:43Speaker 03

  You, uh, yeah, it would just help you heal, just the, the, like, the concentration of fudge.

• 2:08:50Liam McAnderson?

  But we eat with our butts, not with our mouths. Also, I'm not racist.

• 2:08:53Speaker 03

  Yeah. I mean, to be fair to him, it was though because, uh, Garfield couldn't keep food down. So that was like how they, he felt they had to do it. I thought it was just, they were sticking it up. Yeah, I thought he were just doing it for like, crossing their fingers that that was gonna work, yeah.

• 2:09:09Liam McAnderson?

  No, I mean, listen, if, if it comes to it, you know what? No, I'm not gonna say what I was gonna say. I, it's too parasocial already.

• 2:09:16Justin Roczniak?

  Case six, the late President Garfield was some of the time entirely and all of the time very largely sustained by rectal feeding from the 14th of August until his death on September 19th, 1881.

• 2:09:27Liam McAnderson?

  Thirty-five days of butt feeding is too much butt feeding.

• 2:09:31Justin Roczniak?

  The value of this method of supplying a vast and grave disease has never been more strikingly shown. Is he a pirate? Than in this instance. Because in all probability, uh, oh, in waste, excuse me, I copied this from the PDF. Never a patient more closely observed by his medical attendants because the quantity and quality of the rectal diet were most carefully regulated, both as to mode and time of administration. During the progressive stage of inflammation of the parietal gland, eight days, this mode of sustenance was entirely relied upon he being unable to take any food by the mouth and stomach and only very small quantities of cracked ice and water, which were frequently

• 2:10:16Justin Roczniak?

  rejected.

• 2:10:18November Kelly?

  Something I remember hearing about, really about this, was that this was all very, very widely publicized at the time.

• 2:10:24Liam McAnderson?

  Oh, poor Garfield.

• 2:10:25November Kelly?

  People were like, following this at home, like in the newspaper, like, hey, honey, the, the, the president just got like eight ounces of beef stew shot up his asshole this morning.

• 2:10:36Liam McAnderson?

  What might call it the super bowel, actually.

• 2:10:38Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah. The accompanying formula for the preparation of beef extract will be substituted for receipts nine and 14 on diet for hospitals, so on, so forth. Beef extract directions, infuse a third of a pound of fresh beef finely minced in 14 ounces of cold, soft water, to which a few drops of muriatic acid and a little salt from 10 to 18 grains have been added. After digesting from an hour to an hour and a quarter, strain it through a sieve and wash the residue with five ounces of cold water.

• 2:11:13Liam McAnderson?

  Oh, so you can wash this shit?

• 2:11:15Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah. Pressing it to remove all soluble matter, the mixed liquid will contain the whole of the soluble constituents of the meat.

• 2:11:24Liam McAnderson?

  Oh, my God.

• 2:11:26Justin Roczniak?

  And it may be drank cold or slightly warm, the temperature should... Drank by your butt.

• 2:11:31November Kelly?

  Mm-hmm.

• 2:11:32Speaker 04

  [laughing]

• 2:11:35Justin Roczniak?

  Temperature should not be raised above a hundred degrees Fahrenheit as at the temperature of a hundred and eighteen degrees Fahrenheit, a considerable portion of the albumen, a very important constituent, will be coagulated.

• 2:11:48Liam McAnderson?

  And it is as it goes. Alright, yeah, roll tide.

• 2:11:51Speaker 03

  You can miss mixing some booze, at least get me drunk while you do it.

• 2:11:55Justin Roczniak?

  Hold on a second. Two ounces of beef extract.

• 2:11:58Liam McAnderson?

  I'm butt chugging, let's do this, baby.

• 2:12:00Justin Roczniak?

  Two drams of beef peptidoids and five drams of whiskey were given with scrupulous regularity every four hours, day and night.

• 2:12:10Liam McAnderson?

  No, we're not doing this four hours.

• 2:12:11November Kelly?

  You're waking him up every four hours to be like, it's time for your beef injection.

• 2:12:18Speaker 03

  Beef and whiskey injection.

• 2:12:22Liam McAnderson?

  In your ass, which like, alright, I can almost kind of deal with the whiskey in my ass, but like, beef, what do you even call that? Beef tartar will say, like, that's not, I don't want that in my butt, please.

• 2:12:34Justin Roczniak?

  Right, you're.

• 2:12:35Speaker 03

  At least add some, throw some CBD gummies in there to like, chill out a bit. And it's before poppers were invented.

• 2:12:43Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 2:12:44Liam McAnderson?

  Oh, God.

• 2:12:45November Kelly?

  He went, he went to the Lord with a lot of things, but one of them was a dilated asshole.

• 2:12:53Justin Roczniak?

  For the first five or six days, the yolk of an egg was added to the injections, but in the judgment of the surgeons, this was the cause of annoying and offensive flatulence.

• 2:13:04Liam McAnderson?

  Yeah, you're shoving an egg up his ass, what, what are you?

• 2:13:09Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, the symptom was promptly relieved by discontinuing the egg and temporarily adding a dram of willow charcoal to the enema. Charcoal tablets.

• 2:13:20November Kelly?

  I'm not, I'm noting also that they gave opium in order to, uh, like, partly, uh, as an additional nerve stimulant and anodyne, so painkiller, but also to secure retention. So like, they, they shoot the beef into him and then they give him some opium to like, tighten the hole.

• 2:13:42Liam McAnderson?

  You're pulling, you're pulling one of those book back, book bags, you know, one of those.

• 2:13:48Liam McAnderson?

  Jesus.

• 2:13:51Liam McAnderson?

  Indignity of death comes for us all, man.

• 2:13:56Justin Roczniak?

  I, you know, I, I, I, I am convinced, um, just by the insane cruelty of this man's death, he must have been destined to save us because this country deserves nothing but pain and misery.

• 2:14:14Speaker 04

  Yeah, I was gonna say, he's, he's finally successful. He was just some congressman, uh, hadn't, hadn't been doing, really going anywhere. He becomes president, he kind of defeats Conkling with the, uh, the patronage stuff. Uh, and then basically God is like, you cannot be successful, very much like George Costanza.

• 2:14:30Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 2:14:30November Kelly?

  Yeah. Curse of beef asshole upon you.

• 2:14:34Justin Roczniak?

  Not only do you have to die, it has to be miserable and humiliating the whole time.

• 2:14:40November Kelly?

  Oh, and by the way, all of your coworkers' wives are nursing you. So they're, they're, they're also witness to you getting the like, fucking, we have us shot up your ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's, that's, that's like your, uh, your secretary of state's wife, like, helping you there. So, you know, just really enjoy that feeling, fucking marinating that.

• 2:15:02Liam McAnderson?

  Literally, much like the beef were shoving up your ass.

• 2:15:07Liam McAnderson?

  I like that as we've gone on.

• 2:15:08November Kelly?

  Loudly to your work colleague's wife, yeah, we had to take the egg yolk out of there because he was farting too bad.

• 2:15:20November Kelly?

  I'm a doctor, by the way.

• 2:15:24Justin Roczniak?

  I'm two doctors.

• 2:15:26Liam McAnderson?

  Not racist in Portland, like.

• 2:15:30November Kelly?

  It's like, oh, thank God that nice not racist doctor told me about the president's fart.

• 2:15:35Justin Roczniak?

  Hold on, not racist, two doctors.

• 2:15:41Liam McAnderson?

  I, I love that as we've gone on as a podcast, we've gone from like engineering disasters. Cause someone sent me an email once, I was like, you guys don't really cover like disasters in the traditional sense anymore. And I was like, no, we do societal ones and stuff like that. Sometimes we just do 25 minutes about butt injections, not injections, I guess, just.

• 2:15:59November Kelly?

  I, I think, I think the key rule is.

• 2:16:03November Kelly?

  We, we do what we want is the thing, and this is, I don't know if I can say that this is what I want, but I can say it's very funny.

• 2:16:10Liam McAnderson?

  I don't want, I don't want the beef up my ass, please. Just let me go with dignity, man.

• 2:16:15Justin Roczniak?

  Let's avoid this. I mean, this, if this happened again, and I don't say, I'm not saying I want this to happen, but if the president was shot now.

• 2:16:22Liam McAnderson?

  Trump with a Coke up his ass?

• 2:16:25Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 2:16:25Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, I mean, you would think in the modern era that wouldn't happen, but look at his fucking head of Health and Human Services.

• 2:16:32Liam McAnderson?

  Oh, they are, they are putting the Diet Coke enema up that man's ass.

• 2:16:36Justin Roczniak?

  They're putting the, they're putting the worm, they're putting the worm.

• 2:16:40Liam McAnderson?

  The boneless Big Mac is going in there in one piece.

• 2:16:45Justin Roczniak?

  It's just a special sauce.

• 2:16:47Speaker 04

  There's gonna be dead animals.

• 2:16:48Justin Roczniak?

  Pumping him full of, pumping him full of Thousand Island dressing.

• 2:16:53Liam McAnderson?

  Literally dead ass.

• 2:16:54November Kelly?

  Why is President Trump in hospital with like an IV drip of like Sriracha?

• 2:17:00Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 2:17:01Speaker 04

  In RFK, I'd be like getting roadkill.

• 2:17:03Liam McAnderson?

  Do you think, do you think he's ever had Sriracha?

• 2:17:06November Kelly?

  No, it would kill him outright. Like, one drop of Sriracha would kill his ass.

• 2:17:10Justin Roczniak?

  He's more of a, you know, I know he likes the, the, the, the flay of fish a lot, so maybe it'd be tartar sauce.

• 2:17:17Liam McAnderson?

  Tartar sauce and Diet Coke soup up this man's ass.

• 2:17:21Justin Roczniak?

  Oh my god. There was a strong desire.

• 2:17:25Liam McAnderson?

  We're gonna have to slap a Nazi for work on this one.

• 2:17:27Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah. There was a strong desire on the part of the physicians to discontinue the use of the stimulants, but on each occasion, when the attempt was made, the pulse became more frequent and feeble, so that we were forced to resume their use. Later in history, the case after the removal.

• 2:17:43Liam McAnderson?

  Physician is doing a lot of work here, by the way.

• 2:17:46Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, no, the other physicians were like, stop butt feeding him, man.

• 2:17:52Justin Roczniak?

  And he was like, no.

• 2:17:55Liam McAnderson?

  I'm drunk now, baby.

• 2:17:57November Kelly?

  I'm the only one here who's two doctors, and I'm the one mincing up this beef.

• 2:18:02Justin Roczniak?

  I'm sorry, I'm, I'm two doctors and you're only three doctors. We don't even have chloram here.

• 2:18:08Liam McAnderson?

  Hook up the butt pipe.

• 2:18:12Liam McAnderson?

  I would love to know what my wife thinks of me screaming, hook up the butt pipe.

• 2:18:17November Kelly?

  This is, this is, this is up there with the fucking, um, uh, Japan Airlines for me.

• 2:18:26Liam McAnderson?

  I, I, I think the phrase hook up the butt pipe is gonna enter my, my lexicon.

• 2:18:33Speaker 03

  I wonder whose job that was.

• 2:18:34November Kelly?

  Oh, oh, like, probably like the Secretary of War's wife.

• 2:18:39Speaker 03

  Yeah, he has to like place the, uh, pipe in his.

• 2:18:44November Kelly?

  Robert Todd Lincoln, just like, man, I'm feeling pretty traumatized by this assassination. And then his wife comes home, is like, buddy, you're telling me, I'm having to, I'm having to like hook up this man's arse.

• 2:18:56Liam McAnderson?

  Please, please stop hooking up the butt pipe.

• 2:18:59Justin Roczniak?

  We'll talk about this in the next slide, but I will point out this paragraph here. The quantities carefully measured were prepared at the dispensary of the Surgeon General of the United States of America by Assistant Apothecary WF Cruiser. You know, in accordance with the following formula, after the removal, after the removal of the president to Alberon, Mrs. Garfield herself prepared it.

• 2:19:24Liam McAnderson?

  Oh, come on.

• 2:19:27November Kelly?

  That's a real stage of intimacy to be broaching with your wife in your like dying days to be like, hey, you know, you can try butt stuff.

• 2:19:34Liam McAnderson?

  It's like, we're going out like kings, man. We're going out like dead ass fucking kings, baby.

• 2:19:41Justin Roczniak?

  Poor Lucretia.

• 2:19:44Liam McAnderson?

  Pour it off a crease.

• 2:19:46Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, yeah. Pour a real drink, not the solution.

• 2:19:51November Kelly?

  It's like, how, how, how did the, how did this normal style man die? Well, he was getting a lot of stuff shot up his ass by a woman named Lucretia.

• 2:19:59Justin Roczniak?

  Well, no, Dr. Doctor still did the actual shooting up the ass part.

• 2:20:03Liam McAnderson?

  I bet he did. He seemed to like it.

• 2:20:05Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 2:20:07Liam McAnderson?

  Okay.

• 2:20:07Justin Roczniak?

  So it's still really fucking hot in Washington DC, right?

• 2:20:11Liam McAnderson?

  Oh no, it's hot beef and whiskey up my ass?

• 2:20:14Justin Roczniak?

  Yes.

• 2:20:16November Kelly?

  In summer?

• 2:20:17Justin Roczniak?

  In summer in DC, there's this sort of the, the, um, a bunch of military engineers actually managed to improvise a sort of shitty late Victorian air conditioner, which was like,

• 2:20:31November Kelly?

  All right.

• 2:20:32Justin Roczniak?

  I assume a steam powered fan that blew air over a block of ice.

• 2:20:38November Kelly?

  Jesus.

• 2:20:40Speaker 03

  Yeah. See the heat in DC in August, the fucking pea soup month. It really exposes the class structure of the region because the, the, the rich go to Maine. The middle class goes to Delaware and then anyone who's below that just finds a meat.

• 2:20:56Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 2:20:58Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, it's, it's an unpleasant place to be.

• 2:21:00Liam McAnderson?

  It's where the butt meat is kept. One time I was cleaning the kitchen with rods. Uh, and I said, do we have bleach? And he handed me a bottle of bleach and then a bottle of ammonia. And I said, I keep them next to each other in case we need a quick way out. And I think at some point I would, I would rather just drink the butt bleach and have it be over with.

• 2:21:17Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:21:19Justin Roczniak?

  The president was still ailing. Doctor doctor was still fumbling around in his back to find the bullet in a place where the bullet wasn't. By July 23rd, he had this massive abscess, which was oozing pus. They drained it.

• 2:21:33November Kelly?

  Surely at some point you does, you run out of back in that area and you look elsewhere like.

• 2:21:38Liam McAnderson?

  Wow. I mean, you're fisting a crater at this point.

• 2:21:41November Kelly?

  Yeah.

• 2:21:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, it was, it was a very large wound at this point.

• 2:21:46November Kelly?

  Oh my god.

• 2:21:47Speaker 03

  It was much larger than when it had started.

• 2:21:49November Kelly?

  Oh my god.

• 2:21:50Justin Roczniak?

  He, now, when they drained the abscess, he started to improve, right? The president even took a brief cabinet meeting, but he continued to grow more and more feeble. Right? He had a hundred and four degree fever. His weight had gone from 210 pounds to 130.

• 2:22:10November Kelly?

  Jesus. He only made it this long because of the like vogue for fat guys that they had to be like.

• 2:22:17Liam McAnderson?

  Bring it back.

• 2:22:18November Kelly?

  Like they were kind of right when they were like, oh, this president's strong as an ox. He only eats beef and he's like 250 pounds, you know? That's my president.

• 2:22:29Speaker 03

  I wonder who's running the show at this point, because Chester Arthur, I mean, vice presidents at this point are pretty inconsequential anyway, but he's really not, you know, he didn't want to have the job. So like, who's, who's running the country? He was only taking one cabinet meeting. I mean, I guess presidents didn't do much.

• 2:22:46Liam McAnderson?

  Doctor, doctor, Bud stuff. Yeah, probably.

• 2:22:49Speaker 04

  So yeah, they would take the summers off. They also had a thing in the whole 1800s. The Congress really didn't meet the president's first year. So they would basically have a year of just doing not much. At one point, like Andrew Jackson, they just get involved in a petty, a thing called the petty code of, and they're just fighting about the cabinet's wives. Yeah. So like, they really, it's not that important of a time, luckily. But yeah, they don't solve it. And then later, Woodrow Wilson's wife is gonna have to run the country when he's sick.

• 2:23:14Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah. And it was traditional for a long time, until the 1950s, you just didn't do government in the summer. There was no government in the summer. It's too hot.

• 2:23:23November Kelly?

  Yeah, exactly. America was only like a sort of full year round nation with air conditioning.

• 2:23:28Justin Roczniak?

  There, there is, there is an old saying in the DC area that, you know, America started to decline when they air conditioned the Capitol.

• 2:23:36Liam McAnderson?

  I, I, one of the things I love about you is you'll just pull out random facts about DC. I guess you're from there, but it just makes me so happy.

• 2:23:45Justin Roczniak?

  Oh, yeah. I, I've been, I've, I lived in, well, I lived in Northern Virginia, but I was frequently in the horrible helicopter city.

• 2:23:52Speaker 03

  Yeah. It's, I, I lived in, yeah, Arlington, as I call it till I was 12. And you have, it's, you get used to just yelling at the, the, the presidential helicopter. It's like six or seven times a day. It's different fucking naval, or it's like the motorcades.

• 2:24:10Liam McAnderson?

  Oh, the motorcade. I used to live, I've said this, next to a, a hospital with a helipad that was a medevac. And I just dreamed ever since I was a little boy of having a fucking stinger missile that I could just shoot down the fucking medevac. It's like, come on, man. You could, like, they're dead. All right. Just let it go.

• 2:24:30Liam McAnderson?

  Alright, what's next? We're President Butt Stuff. We're Acting President Butt Stuff, sorry.

• 2:24:34Justin Roczniak?

  What had started as a three-inch bullet hole was now a monstrous 20-inch gash.

• 2:24:40November Kelly?

  What?

• 2:24:41Speaker 03

  Oh my god.

• 2:24:41Justin Roczniak?

  Leaking pus, clearly infected. The president was bedridden, he was septic, he was all kinds of crap, right? By September, the heat still hadn't given out, they decided, alright, we gotta move the president north.

• 2:24:57Liam McAnderson?

  To Maine, I hope.

• 2:24:59Justin Roczniak?

  To Long Branch, New Jersey.

• 2:25:01Liam McAnderson?

  What a cruel place to die.

• 2:25:02Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah. A special railroad car was repaired to move him to Long Branch, New Jersey, technically the, um, unincorporated community of Elboron, that's where the really, really expensive houses are up there. To a place called Franklin Cottage, and that's Franklin spelled in the worst way I've seen.

• 2:25:28November Kelly?

  PH?

• 2:25:28Liam McAnderson?

  Spelled like Mormon eldest daughter.

• 2:25:31Justin Roczniak?

  Franklin, but-

• 2:25:32November Kelly?

  F-R-A-N-C-K-L-Y-M, Franklin.

• 2:25:37Justin Roczniak?

  This was a mansion by the sea owned by industrialist Charles Gilbert Franklin, who earned his money the old-fashioned way by inheriting it from his grandfather, Samuel Cunard.

• 2:25:51November Kelly?

  I mean, that is pretty old-fashioned, hard to argue with.

• 2:25:54Justin Roczniak?

  They chartered a special train, and they even built a temporary branch line to the mansion to drop the president off at the door.

• 2:26:04November Kelly?

  That's cool.

• 2:26:04Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 2:26:05Speaker 03

  At the door.

• 2:26:08Justin Roczniak?

  So now, when he suffered horrible invasive medical procedures-

• 2:26:12Liam McAnderson?

  These aren't even medical procedures, this is fetish stuff, man.

• 2:26:15November Kelly?

  Yeah.

• 2:26:18Speaker 03

  Yeah, you would, you would think most doctors would look at, you know, we have a bullet hole, and it's becoming a gash, maybe we should rethink, because the object is to make the hole smaller and have it heal and not just have it be your entire body as just one gaping wound.

• 2:26:34November Kelly?

  They call it internal medicine because it's supposed to stay inside of you, right?

• 2:26:38Justin Roczniak?

  Yes.

• 2:26:41Liam McAnderson?

  Acting President Butt Stuff, not your friend.

• 2:26:43Justin Roczniak?

  Ah, he's doing Butt Stuff and Back Stuff.

• 2:26:46Liam McAnderson?

  Oh, I don't like Butt and Back Stuff.

• 2:26:47Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 2:26:48Liam McAnderson?

  One or the other, man.

• 2:26:50Justin Roczniak?

  At this point, the president can't even sit up. He's still being fed rectally.

• 2:26:55Liam McAnderson?

  So indignant.

• 2:26:55Justin Roczniak?

  He begins to suffer from pneumonia and hypertension.

• 2:26:59Liam McAnderson?

  Just shoot him!

• 2:27:00Justin Roczniak?

  He's got sepsis.

• 2:27:02November Kelly?

  Well, that was the problem.

• 2:27:03Justin Roczniak?

  On September 18th, he complained of a great pain in his chest. And he couldn't even lift a glass of water. At 10:15 that evening, he asked his chief of staff, General David Swaim, for a glass of water. Then he had another enormous attack of pain in his chest. He cried out, "Oh Swaim, can't you stop this?" And he fell unconscious. Swaim immediately called for Doctor Doctor.

• 2:27:29Liam McAnderson?

  Why?

• 2:27:31November Kelly?

  Bring the crash cart, which is just a big stew pot and a long hose.

• 2:27:36Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah. And presumably, yeah, after some more rectal feeding attempts, he was unable to revive the president.

• 2:27:45November Kelly?

  They're shooting up stuff they don't even know what it is. They've got some Zabaleon in there. It's wild.

• 2:27:52Justin Roczniak?

  He was pronounced dead at 10:30 that evening.

• 2:27:55Liam McAnderson?

  Thank God.

• 2:27:58Justin Roczniak?

  Chester A. Arthur took the oath of office the following day.

• 2:28:01Liam McAnderson?

  Dude, if you kept me alive for 35 days with butt stuff. Yeah, exactly.

• 2:28:06Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 2:28:08November Kelly?

  You mean this crazy person who is going to functionally kill me with like beef animas?

• 2:28:15Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah. And he's going to split my back apart with his bare hands.

• 2:28:20Liam McAnderson?

  I don't.

• 2:28:21Justin Roczniak?

  Over the course of several months.

• 2:28:23Liam McAnderson?

  I don't like that one of our presidents died due to butt chucking.

• 2:28:27Speaker 03

  They are known for having illegible handwriting. And that's just like an accepted thing. Where with doctor's notes are very important. We should be demanding that they get better penmanship.

• 2:28:40November Kelly?

  What are you writing in there? Are you writing some shit about how you want to fist fuck my back, you sick freak?

• 2:28:48Liam McAnderson?

  I gotta tell you, president died from butt chucking. Butt chucking is such an indignant way to go.

• 2:28:54Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:28:57Justin Roczniak?

  He could have been a great president.

• 2:28:59Liam McAnderson?

  Alas. I remember I tweeted once because I was doing, I was writing Katrina, I promise it's coming. And I was just like, talking about the indignity of death from the book One Dead Natick, go read it. And the OnlyFans bot showed up and I was just like, come on, man, let this, let this poor, poor guy who died alone in his attic have a little piece of the afterlife.

• 2:29:19Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah. Well.

• 2:29:21November Kelly?

  You know, you know who else had a, had a very public death?

• 2:29:25Justin Roczniak?

  Yes.

• 2:29:25November Kelly?

  Well, a guy who thought he might have been Jesus.

• 2:29:28Justin Roczniak?

  Yes. What happens to get out?

• 2:29:32November Kelly?

  He is going to the lordy. He is so glad.

• 2:29:37Justin Roczniak?

  After his arrest, he was taken to the jail by one Lieutenant Eckloff. And only once he was at the police station did they remember to disarm him, right?

• 2:29:46Liam McAnderson?

  You fucking idiot.

• 2:29:48November Kelly?

  Meanwhile, his assassination is working in slow motion.

• 2:29:52Justin Roczniak?

  A man named Mr. McElfrish asked what political party he belonged to, and the reply was, "I am the stalwart of the stalwarts. I have shot, I have shot Garfield to make..."

• 2:30:05Liam McAnderson?

  I have shot Garfield!

• 2:30:09Justin Roczniak?

  Oh, that's not good. That's not good. Damn. Got poo.

• 2:30:14Speaker 03

  These feces, it seeps into our brains and our...

• 2:30:17November Kelly?

  I've shot Garfield.

• 2:30:18Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah. "I have, I have, I have shot Garfield to make Arthur president. What are you?"

• 2:30:27Speaker 03

  He's like a, he's like a grindset guy now. The guy's gotta be getting these patronage jobs. You have to be capping the president. And be completely public and transparent about it, too. That's how you get ahead.

• 2:30:41November Kelly?

  Money mindset. I bet this guy's not even ambassador to shit.

• 2:30:45Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 2:30:47Justin Roczniak?

  Now, Guecho is informed, you know, I'm a detective. And Guecho said, "All right, give me a room in the third story and I will arrange with General Sherman to make you chief of police."

• 2:31:02November Kelly?

  How's this going for him? Listen, you gotta start working on the patronage stuff from day one.

• 2:31:09Justin Roczniak?

  Exactly, exactly. And this was sort of generally what he thought was gonna happen. It's like, damn, I'm gonna get all those patronage jobs now. I'm gonna be able to distribute them, right? We brought back the spoil system, boys.

• 2:31:23Liam McAnderson?

  It's good to have dreams, boys.

• 2:31:25Speaker 03

  Is that, is it kind of the logic of like when you go to prison, you beat up the biggest guy?

• 2:31:31November Kelly?

  He's the biggest guy in the United States.

• 2:31:33Justin Roczniak?

  The president of the United States.

• 2:31:36November Kelly?

  He took prison planet very literally.

• 2:31:39Justin Roczniak?

  But since Guecho hadn't immediately killed the president, they charged him with attempted murder, but he was finally indicted on regular murder, October 14th, right?

• 2:31:51November Kelly?

  He finally got over the line. Really, he doesn't deserve the credit for that. That was all doctors.

• 2:31:58Speaker 03

  Doctor buttchug, yeah. And that is a defense Guecho made in court.

• 2:32:04Justin Roczniak?

  I think a pretty good one.

• 2:32:05November Kelly?

  Yeah.

• 2:32:06Speaker 03

  Cause there were people saying to Bliss, like, "Stop, like, do, you know, wash things. Don't do it this way." And he was... Yeah, and he was a very stubborn man, as was Garfield. He was, he felt a loyalty to Dr. Buttchug, for whatever reason, and they dug their own grave.

• 2:32:27November Kelly?

  I think when you're like, you're up to the elbow and the president kind of like puppeteering him like Sesame Street. That's, that's like a new intervening act.

• 2:32:37Liam McAnderson?

  Tell the President of the United States, "I'm gonna make you a slutty little curvin'. It's not how you wanna go out."

• 2:32:43Justin Roczniak?

  That's sunk cost fallacy in the sense that the doctor's fist has sunk into your back.

• 2:32:49November Kelly?

  Yeah.

• 2:32:51Speaker 04

  I think Bliss had done, like been in charge of something in the Civil War, like taking care of soldiers. But like famously in the Civil War, two thirds of the soldiers died of disease. So they weren't doing a great job back then either.

• 2:33:02Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, I, I mean, this guy was in charge of a whole hospital and presumably he was doing the same treatment on like thousands of nineteen year olds.

• 2:33:13November Kelly?

  The limiting factor would be he's only got two arms.

• 2:33:16Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, that's a good point.

• 2:33:18November Kelly?

  And there's only twenty-four hours in a day, so assuming you like-

• 2:33:22Liam McAnderson?

  They call me forty-eight pizzer baby.

• 2:33:24Justin Roczniak?

  Oh shit, this guy-

• 2:33:25November Kelly?

  Just straddling two beds, arm in each patient.

• 2:33:31Justin Roczniak?

  Don't let that guy heal naturally. Stick your fist in there right now.

• 2:33:37Liam McAnderson?

  Fuck me.

• 2:33:38Speaker 04

  Thank God he wasn't good at delegating.

• 2:33:40Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 2:33:45Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, he was, he was really good because he was the only one who didn't really do anything at the hospital.

• 2:33:52Justin Roczniak?

  He could only operate on a couple of patients.

• 2:33:55Liam McAnderson?

  It's hard when you're trying to make human ventriloquist dummies, you know?

• 2:34:00Justin Roczniak?

  We have the, we have the highest survival rate in the entire North because we don't really do anything.

• 2:34:06Liam McAnderson?

  Cause we don't, we don't, we try not to backfist our patients, yes.

• 2:34:12Justin Roczniak?

  So here we are, we're at the trial of the century, right? He pleads not guilty by reason of temporary insanity.

• 2:34:20Liam McAnderson?

  That's fair, that's fair.

• 2:34:23Justin Roczniak?

  Well, when the expert witnesses were brought in by the defense, uh, this was amended to permanent insanity.

• 2:34:30Liam McAnderson?

  Good enough.

• 2:34:32Justin Roczniak?

  You know, the, uh, the, that, this was clearly very mentally disturbed man, but the court wasn't having it.

• 2:34:40Speaker 03

  I think he deserves his own designation, like Gato.

• 2:34:45Liam McAnderson?

  You've heard of sickle mode, now get ready for assassinating the president with some help from backfist doctor.

• 2:34:51November Kelly?

  Yeah.

• 2:34:52Justin Roczniak?

  There's lots, lots of antics at this trial, right? Gatto, you know, he swore and insulted at the, of the judge. He testified in the form of epic poems. He traded notes asking for legal advice from the audience.

• 2:35:10November Kelly?

  Oh, you get your money's worth in the public gallery for this. You're sitting in the front row, you get handed a note by the defense, Charles Gatto, that just says, what do I do?

• 2:35:22November Kelly?

  It's like, oh, I'm so fucked. What do I do?

• 2:35:25Justin Roczniak?

  As we've mentioned, probably the best argument was that he hadn't killed Garfield that his doctors did. Which is again, true, but beside the point, in a case of first degree murder. Throughout all of it, he was sure he would be exonerated, right? He started making plans for a lecture tour and then a presidential run himself. He had no idea how unpopular he was. Everyone hated him. People were like spitting at him when he was being brought up and down the street and, you know, the police carriage. You know, he was, uh, people were screaming at him. People were giving him, you know, rude gestures, so on and so forth. He thought he was doing great.

• 2:36:11Justin Roczniak?

  And, uh, you know, he, it turns out there's only so much self-affirmation can do. Because he was found guilty on January 25th, 1882 and sentenced to hang.

• 2:36:25November Kelly?

  So the power of positive thinking only gets you that far.

• 2:36:27Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 2:36:29Speaker 04

  He had written his own autobiography from jail and he included in it that he wanted to find a young Christian lady under 30. So he was, he was ready.

• 2:36:37Justin Roczniak?

  Yes.

• 2:36:38Liam McAnderson?

  And it's good to have dreams, my guy.

• 2:36:41Justin Roczniak?

  I think, I think worse than, worse than writing it, he dictated it to a New York herald, uh, journalist.

• 2:36:48Liam McAnderson?

  Being that sore son of a bitch, having to listen to that shit being dictated.

• 2:36:53Speaker 04

  Also, two people in the public almost shot at him, like attempted to shoot him.

• 2:36:57Justin Roczniak?

  Yes.

• 2:36:59November Kelly?

  And the whole time bullets are bouncing off the paddy wagon. He's like, I'm winning them over.

• 2:37:03Speaker 04

  I think I'm down.

• 2:37:05November Kelly?

  Son of a bitch, I think we've got this.

• 2:37:07Justin Roczniak?

  Wow, they're, they're throwing rice like it's a wedding. They're just really big grains.

• 2:37:14Justin Roczniak?

  He was still throwing tantrums all the way to the gallows. He started demanding a pardon from Chester A. Arthur because.

• 2:37:21November Kelly?

  Uh, watch out, he might shoot him.

• 2:37:23Justin Roczniak?

  Listen, I've increased your salary. Come on.

• 2:37:29Justin Roczniak?

  And he was writing more terrible poetry.

• 2:37:32Liam McAnderson?

  Oh, God. I used to do that in high school. I've been scrubbed from the earth, thank God.

• 2:37:36Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah. He was hanged on June 30th, 1882.

• 2:37:41Liam McAnderson?

  Finally.

• 2:37:42Justin Roczniak?

  He danced up the steps. He waved at the spectators.

• 2:37:46November Kelly?

  This is beautifully staged in the Sondheim musical Assassins. Uh, there's not really good video of it, but you can see somebody snuck in a, uh, like, um, sort of like camcorder to the, like, original Broadway, uh, sort of like cast with Neil Patrick Harris. And yeah, it's really, really good.

• 2:38:03Justin Roczniak?

  He shakes the hand of the executioner and he takes a moment to read to the crown of the crowd, the last of his truly awful poems. I am going to the lordy.

• 2:38:17November Kelly?

  I am going to the lordy. I am so glad.

• 2:38:21Justin Roczniak?

  He believes he's finally unified the Republican Party and saved the country.

• 2:38:26Liam McAnderson?

  Sure.

• 2:38:26Justin Roczniak?

  And he dies thinking that.

• 2:38:29Liam McAnderson?

  Yeah. That's good to have, man.

• 2:38:31November Kelly?

  He was played by, uh, Dennis O'Hare in, in the Broadway version. It's really good.

• 2:38:36Speaker 04

  He had asked to have, uh, an orchestra there so he could sing the poem. Uh, they do agree to, they let him as he finishes the poem and he drops the paper and that's when they hang him. So they let him kind of stage manage his own hanging, which is kind of fun.

• 2:38:49November Kelly?

  Hell, yeah. That's kind of funny, yeah. Live and die a theater kid.

• 2:38:56Justin Roczniak?

  I don't know, uh, you know, based on his performance at, uh, the sex cult. I mean, theater kids, you know, they get laid a little bit more than that. Come on.

• 2:39:07Speaker 03

  More than poets. Hmm, that's a good point. What was his, roses are red, violets are blue, you get shot in the pelvis.

• 2:39:15Liam McAnderson?

  And what do you do?

• 2:39:16Speaker 03

  You eat where you poo. Yeah.

• 2:39:18Liam McAnderson?

  Also butt fisting.

• 2:39:20Justin Roczniak?

  Yes. Chester A. Arthur ironically finally does away with the beloved spoil system. He kills it entirely. It's gone.

• 2:39:28November Kelly?

  You, you can still get a sort of like ambassadorship or a consulship based on just like donating a lot to the presidential candidate who wins. So, and that was really the ingredient he was missing.

• 2:39:40Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, I, I think after this, everyone has to look at the spoil system and say, um, uh, if it's gonna get one of these guys going crazy, we may have to, we may have to dump this one, guys. I, I think we, I don't think we can do this anymore. Cause Arthur was a stalwart. He was very in favor of the spoil system and he's like, yeah, um, yeah, we're gonna have to get rid of this.

• 2:40:06Speaker 03

  It is funny to me that he, in a way, Guttow was somewhat ideologically driven, but for the spoil system, like kind of the opposite of Luigi, instead of like trying to do away with this flawed, corrupt system. It's like, no, it needs to work on my behalf and this is a good for humanity.

• 2:40:27Speaker 04

  There was thought that, that there was a, there was a thought that Arthur and Conkling, they were just gonna like rob the entire country. Basically, that they were gonna be what Musk and Trump are now. And people were worried, but then Arthur finds a conscience.

• 2:40:40Justin Roczniak?

  Yes. But I mean, the thing here is, it's like the assassination sort of, it weakens the Republican Party. I mean, um, Garfield is highly respected for the remainder of the term and then sort of forgotten about. Chester A. Arthur's health starts failing him towards the end of the term. He's like, I'm not doing so great. Uh, my presidency has not been super popular. He tries to sort of continue some of James Garfield's policies, notably trying to distribute.

• 2:41:15Justin Roczniak?

  Patronage in Virginia through the readjuster party. But he just doesn't have him have it in him to like really follow through here. Um, you know, he does not seek the nomination for a second term. He has not unified the party because he's still, you know, he's got that stalwart on him. And a lot of the party has moved a different way. So they put up James G. Blaine in 1884. Um, and Blaine loses to Grover Cleveland, who proceeds to destroy what little remained of Southern Republicanism. And the fledgling readjuster party in Virginia. And all of a sudden we got-

• 2:41:55November Kelly?

  Bearded presidents and from then on, you know, after that, the deluge.

• 2:41:59Justin Roczniak?

  Exactly. We, well, that's when we get poll taxes and literary test, literacy tests. And segregation, all this stuff comes in really quickly. That was like the final. The, the end, end of reconstruction was, uh, because of one mustachioed- One weird guy. Yeah.

• 2:42:19November Kelly?

  Hmm.

• 2:42:20Justin Roczniak?

  Um, could have had something great and we didn't. That's gone very poorly.

• 2:42:24Liam McAnderson?

  It's gone poorly.

• 2:42:26November Kelly?

  I really enjoyed this one. Let's do more presidential assassinations. As a subject for the podcast to discuss.

• 2:42:37November Kelly?

  Caught myself in the middle of saying it.

• 2:42:41Speaker 03

  It's funny. They are disasters if they either they succeed or they fail and both are disasters in a sense. You know?

• 2:42:48Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 2:42:50Liam McAnderson?

  Isn't it like three thirty of your time, Nova?

• 2:42:52November Kelly?

  Yes, it is.

• 2:42:53Justin Roczniak?

  What, what have we learned?

• 2:42:55November Kelly?

  Get, get, get, get a real doctor.

• 2:42:58Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah. Yeah. I would say, I would say if, if, if your friend is a doctor who's not very good.

• 2:43:04November Kelly?

  Get another doctor.

• 2:43:05Justin Roczniak?

  Let's, let's, let's, you know, a general rule with professional services. Don't hire your good friend.

• 2:43:14November Kelly?

  No, because then you're going to be put in a situation where you like, you're no, you know, they're fucking it up. They're like fist deep in your back and you've got to be like, no, this is great, probably.

• 2:43:25Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 2:43:25November Kelly?

  I mean, I'm not a doctor, you're a doctor. So like, I'm just gonna just let you do whatever.

• 2:43:31Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 2:43:33Speaker 03

  I do think this probably helped medicine in the long run, like they learned from this. This did help germ theory become more accepted because it was kind of a fringe thing at first.

• 2:43:45Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah, I mean, it had been widely accepted in Europe at this point, but in America, eh, no. Not, not really, you know, it's, it's very, this, this is, this is one of the worst ways I think anyone has died ever. This is like up there with like the, the, the guy who got stuck upside down in the cave. I mean, you know.

• 2:44:08November Kelly?

  It's, it's one of the worst ways someone with like every other physical comfort could die like. They died with a lot of like money and resources and like a lot of fucking really nice pillows, I assume.

• 2:44:22Justin Roczniak?

  Yeah.

• 2:44:22November Kelly?

  But also in agony and getting like, um, kind of like beef Wellington shoved directly into his duodenum.

• 2:44:30Justin Roczniak?

  More of a, a liquidy South where steak.

• 2:44:36Justin Roczniak?

  We have a segment on this podcast called Safety Third, if anyone wants to go through it today. I don't know, it's a little late. All right, we'll skip it and we'll do this next episode. Our next episode will be Odd Chernobyl. Uh, does anyone have any, uh, commercials before we go?

• 2:44:52Speaker 03

  Yes, uh, I am at Anders Lee here on social media, also on the Pod Damn America Podcast is the name of the podcast that I'm on with Jake Flores. Check that out. Uh, we just moved to YouTube. Um, we're also doing, you know, regular, um, podcast feed, Patreon and The Vanquished, which I do with Fred. Uh, you can find that on YouTube as well. We record everything, um, with video. Some of it is in, in person. We've got a lot of great apps there about with, with yourselves on the prohibition party. Marco Rubio, Michael DeCock is Jesse Jackson, whole lot of folks, uh, so check that out. Uh, it's called The Vanquished.

• 2:45:32Justin Roczniak?

  Exciting. I, I, I like the Vanquish Podcast is a good one. Again, Liam and I have been on there. Um, I have to plug, uh, the worst of all possible worlds. I was on there just recently. I went up to New York City and everything to go record with them. By the way, I love going up to New York City to record podcasts. None of you people come to Philadelphia, so I have to go up there. Um, so, you know, uh, we recorded an episode on the film Falling Down. It's a film about being an engineer who's pissed off. It's great. And then you walk home in a straight line. Uh, go listen to that one.

• 2:46:05Liam McAnderson?

  No Vaddy commercials?

• 2:46:07November Kelly?

  Nope. Uh, well, no gods, no mayors.com. It's a podcast about mayors. It's a good time.

• 2:46:11Liam McAnderson?

  10,000 losses. All right, we're done.

• 2:46:13November Kelly?

  What is the president if not a mayor of the United States of America?

• 2:46:19Liam McAnderson?

  Everybody hit stop on your recordings.