Take Control of Your Mindset: Master Your Mental Habits for a Happier Life

In this episode, you’re learning a simple but powerful way to take control of your mindset. You need to get serious about your mindset. The way you think and talk to yourself has serious consequences. Your thoughts become your beliefs. Your beliefs turn into actions. Your actions become habits. And your habits determine who you are and what you achieve in life, or not. That’s why you need a Mindset Reset. Imagine if your thoughts were positive, empowering, clear, and encouraging. Imagine if your beliefs inspired the best in you. If you’re tired of listening to a voice that beats you down, fills you with doubt, and argues against your goals and dreams, it’s time to change your thinking. Today, you’ll learn how to do it for yourself and start programming a more positive, empowering, and confident mindset. So pull up a seat as I coach two people through the process. I’m so confident you’re going to be fired up after listening to this episode that I have a free gift to help you take your current mindset to the next level. I have a brand new, free, 3-part training called "Take Control with Mel Robbins." It will provide you with the coaching, structure, and support you need to hit reset, take control, and level up your life. It features 3 brand-new training videos, two hours of research-backed curriculum taught by me, and a 21-page workbook. Plus you’ll be with hundreds of thousands of other students taking the course for free around the world. All at zero cost to you. Why? Because you deserve it, and it’s my way of thanking you for being here with me. You’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain. Why not take advantage of this opportunity? I’ll see you in the course! Xo Mel In this episode, you will learn: 5:00: What does your default critical soundtrack sound like in your mind? 7:30: Here’s the mantra I want you to start your day with. 9:45: This is one of my easiest and favorite tools for dealing with a critical voice. 16:00: This is the #1 hit playlist I want you to put on repeat. 17:30: Drop this word if you want to improve your relationship with others. 22:30: Work on the most important relationship of all first. 24:15: What if your critics are the voices of your boss, partner, and friends? 26:25: This trauma response is very common when you live in a state of anxiety. 30:15: Here’s why telling yourself that you love yourself doesn’t work for you. 32:00: Yes, your boss may be a douche, but you don’t have to let that ruin you. 35:00: Don’t leave today without taking away this message. Disclaimer

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Mel Robbins?

  This episode is brought to you by SoFi, the everything app for smarter money. Let me ask you something. Is your money working for you? Or is it just sitting there? A lot of us work hard, get paid, and then leave our paycheck in checking. That's an easy habit to change. With SoFi Checking and Savings, you can earn up to 3.8% savings APY for up to six months with no account fees and a cash bonus of up to $400 when you sign up with eligible direct deposit. Terms apply. It takes just minutes to open an account from your phone, and you can organize your savings into vaults for the goals you're working toward. Go to sofi.com/mel to get started. SoFi, get your money right. SoFi Checking and Savings is offered

• 0:45Mel Robbins?

  through SoFi Bank, N.A., member FDIC. To me, self-expression is all about showing the world what's on the inside. That's why I want you to discover Pandora Talsman, a new collection designed to help you express every side of who you are. Featuring meaningful zodiac symbols and personalized jewelry pieces, each design tells a story that's uniquely yours. Pandora Talsman, a new language of self-expression, because every version of you deserves to be seen. Shop new styles in store or online at pandora.net. This podcast is brought to you by Expedia. If you haven't booked your next trip yet, now is the time. Whether you're going to fly across the country or maybe you just want to explore

• 1:29Mel Robbins?

  a cool beach town this summer, Expedia makes it easy. Flights, hotels, vacation rentals, cars, activities, everything you need in one place. That means no jumping between sites, no hassle. And when you bundle, you can save up to 30% with everything you need in one app. Sign in to save, savings vary. Expedia, the one place you go to go places. Hey, it's your friend Mel Robbins, and today we're talking mindset reset on the Mel Robbins Podcast. Let's go.

• 2:01Mel Robbins?

  I'm really excited for today's show because mindset reset is one of my favorite topics. In fact, for years, I taught a course online that I created called Mindset Reset, all about the science of reprogramming the default soundtrack in your mind. More than half a million people have taken that online course. I'm really proud of it. And today, I'm going to bring some of the teaching right to this podcast as I coach two listeners who are struggling with their mindset. If you're brand new to the podcast, I'm Mel Robbins. Welcome. I am one of the world's leading experts on behavior change, motivation, and habits. I'm also a New York Times bestselling author.

• 2:46Mel Robbins?

  If you've been listening to the podcast for a while, I just want to take a minute before we jump into these live coaching sessions to thank you. I always say this is our podcast, and I mean it. I couldn't be doing this without you, without you listening, without you sharing, without you submitting topics, sending me videos in the DMs. You are a critical part of the success of this podcast. And I always envisioned that this would just be like, you know, taking a walk with a friend. But you have taken this to an entirely different level. And so, from the bottom of my heart, I want to say, thank you. You are a force for good in people's lives around the world. Thank you for sharing this show. Thank you for listening.

• 3:30Mel Robbins?

  Thank you for making our podcast a life-changing, zero-cost resource for people. And today's going to be no different. Today, we're going to do something really cool. You're going to listen in on two live, raw, real coaching sessions. These are coaching sessions with listeners just like you who are struggling with the critical voice in their head. The first coaching session is with a woman named Poppy, who grew up with very, very critical parents. And what's happened is, since her parents were so critical when she was little, she is now incredibly critical of herself, and she's sick of it. She wants to evict that jerk in her head.

• 4:12Mel Robbins?

  Then, we're going to move on to a second listener who is realizing, by listening to this podcast, that she has been surrounded by narcissists her entire life. And they have beaten her up to a point where she believes everything is her fault. And we're going to talk about the steps she needs to take in order to evict that jerk in her head and program in a positive new soundtrack, one that is all her own, that is empowering. So that's what we're doing today. I invite you to pull up a seat. You are going to laugh, you're going to feel seen, you're going to feel empowered, you're going to leave with tactical tools and a step-by-step process for giving yourself a mindset reset.

• 4:55Mel Robbins?

  So let's get into it with our first coaching session with Poppy, who wrote to me asking for advice on how to change her mindset and get her parents' critical voices out of her head once and for all. Hi, Poppy.

• 5:09Speaker 01

  Hi, Mel.

• 5:11Mel Robbins?

  How can I help you?

• 5:12Speaker 01

  So like, how does one turn off that voice that's, you know, been programmed into our head, telling us that, you know, our needs, our emotions don't matter and we must cater to theirs? How do you turn that off?

• 5:27Mel Robbins?

  Okay, it's an excellent question. And you don't turn it off, you have to lay a new soundtrack.

• 5:36Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 5:37Mel Robbins?

  If you think about the default mindset, almost like a playlist that runs in the background, that it's almost hard to make it go silent, it's much easier to put a new playlist in there.

• 5:51Speaker 01

  Correct.

• 5:52Mel Robbins?

  And so there are two tricks I'm going to give you. Well, before I get into the tricks, I just want to acknowledge something. Great job recognizing that the default thinking doesn't serve you in your life now. So the fact that you recognize, wow, I have this way of thinking that I don't want in my life, and I'm going to do something about it. So that's enormous and it's amazing. Can you tell me, what does this default soundtrack sound like? What does it say to you?

• 6:35Speaker 01

  So it says that, you know, whenever I put myself first and don't put, you know, other people first, I'm selfish. Or if I want to do something for myself, it's never gonna succeed.

• 6:53Mel Robbins?

  Did somebody tell you that?

• 6:56Speaker 01

  Yes, my parents, actually.

• 6:59Mel Robbins?

  All right. So, thank you for admitting that. And the reason why your parents told you that is because their parents probably told them that. And so, they probably thought that they were protecting you. And instead, they sentenced you to a way of thinking that makes you feel terrible.

• 7:27Speaker 01

  Right.

• 7:28Mel Robbins?

  And so, when you can recognize who the programming comes from, it also helps, because then you can separate yourself from that voice. Because it's not your voice, it's your parents' voice. And you have a chance to break this chain. You have the chance to be the one that this playlist dies with.

• 7:54Speaker 01

  Right.

• 7:55Mel Robbins?

  You have the chance to create a whole new way of thinking and talking to yourself, and that's incredible. The first thing that you said is that you have a belief, because somebody programmed this into your mind that runs on default, that putting yourself first is selfish, correct?

• 8:14Speaker 01

  Right.

• 8:14Mel Robbins?

  How does that impact your life?

• 8:18Speaker 01

  Um, I get burnout, basically.

• 8:25Mel Robbins?

  If you could program a different belief, what would the belief be?

• 8:32Speaker 01

  That, you know, um, um, but what it basically, it's okay for me to take care of myself. It's okay for me to have emotions. It's okay for me to just be me. Yeah.

• 8:48Mel Robbins?

  Oh, I love this. Your whole life's about to change. Because not only is it okay, I deserve to feel how I feel.

• 8:58Speaker 01

  Right.

• 8:59Mel Robbins?

  The main mantra I want you to have is, I deserve to be happy. Does this make me happy? I deserve to feel happy. Does this make me happy? What would change in your life if you started to tell yourself over and over every single morning when you start your day, I deserve to be happy today? What would change if you believed that happiness was something you deserved?

• 9:24Speaker 01

  Wow, um, I think that my day to day would be a lot better. Basically, I would actually, you know, get to cross off all the lists that I put down on my to do list. I would have self-confidence. I would be able to go out and have a great day with friends. I noticed that I hold myself back a lot because of what's been programmed in my head. And I'm done with that, you know?

• 9:54Mel Robbins?

  Well, I'm glad you recognize it. That's a huge step. Most of us sleepwalk through life and don't even realize that we have been trained as little kids to make everybody around us happy. And that it's your job to make people happy. It's your job to keep people satisfied. It's your job to make sure nobody's disappointed with you. And part of the problem is, is that underneath what your story is, which is it's selfish to put myself first, you have an uglier story. And the uglier story, which I recognize because I had this one too, is people will be mad at me if I put myself first. There will be consequences if I do what's good for me.

• 10:37Mel Robbins?

  And so that's what you're really wrestling with, is that you've connected taking care of yourself with somebody pulling their love away.

• 10:50Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 10:51Mel Robbins?

  And that's why you're scared to put yourself first. This goes way deeper. And so you're doing fantastic on behalf of all of us by recognizing that your own thinking is holding yourself back. And I can, I can tell you're just sick of it. And so here's what you have to start to do. Number one, I want you to name the voice.

• 11:17Speaker 01

  Name it?

• 11:18Mel Robbins?

  Yeah, give it a name.

• 11:21Speaker 01

  Uh.

• 11:24Mel Robbins?

  Sally Sue, Jaco, Raoul, Michael. We gotta name this thing.

• 11:29Speaker 01

  Oh, boy. Um. Vicky, I guess.

• 11:33Mel Robbins?

  Vicky, okay. So when this default programming comes up, you're going to talk back to Vicky. Okay? And literally, you can even physically, when you feel yourself holding yourself back, that's the signal that this is default programming. You're gonna turn toward Vicky. Let me, like, literally, I want you to, like, turn your body. And you're gonna look as if Vicky's there, and you're gonna be like, shut up, Vicky.

• 12:06Speaker 01

  Right.

• 12:07Mel Robbins?

  Now, I wanna hear you do it.

• 12:10Speaker 01

  Shut up, Vicky.

• 12:13Mel Robbins?

  Yeah, but if you, uh, don't make your boss happy, nobody's gonna love you.

• 12:21Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 12:23Mel Robbins?

  Tell her, shut up.

• 12:25Speaker 01

  Shut up?

• 12:29Mel Robbins?

  If you, uh, don't do exactly what your parents want, they're gonna be disappointed.

• 12:35Speaker 01

  Shut up?

• 12:37Mel Robbins?

  Say it louder. I don't believe you.

• 12:39Speaker 01

  Shut up?

• 12:40Mel Robbins?

  Say her name.

• 12:43Speaker 01

  Shut up, Vicky.

• 12:47Mel Robbins?

  You don't want to believe this shit Vicky's saying, right? Nope. What do you want to believe? In myself. Yeah. Your parents want you to be happy. They don't know how to make you happy. So they're just telling you what their parents told them. I'm not saying it's right. I'm just saying, this is what people do. You are now an adult. You're not to blame for the crap, the malarkey, the garbage, the gunk, the generational trauma shit that your parents put in your brain. You're responsible, now that you're an adult, for reprogramming this. And so whenever your mind tells you something that you don't want to think, shut up, Vicky.

• 13:28Mel Robbins?

  I believe that if I'm happy, my parents are going to think they won the lottery. I don't believe that. I believe that if I put myself first, I'm going to do better at work. Shut up, Vicky. What the hell? You're not paying my rent. Shut up, Vicky. You're not going to the party. I'm not taking you with you. There's no plus one on this invitation. Shut up, Vicky. By distancing yourself and talking back to it, it loses its power over you. And what also starts to happen is the filter in your brain, the RAS. It's now noticing, oh, you actually care about empowering yourself. And you're going to see more and more reasons to put yourself first. But it really does start with,

• 14:12Mel Robbins?

  you got to delete that song. Shut up, Vicky, shut up, Vicky, shut up, Vicky, on the playlist in your mind from the past. And you've got to insert the new programming you want to run on default, which is, I deserve to be happy. My parents are proud of me, uh, for being me. Nobody's disappointed in me, and if they are, I'm an adult, I can frickin' handle it. And I got to start taking care of myself because I deserve that. Those are your beliefs, period. And whenever you start to feel like, here you go, holding yourself back, shut up, Vicky. Shut up, Vicky. And you'll notice, the more you do this and you take ownership for programming your mind, the less Vicky's going to show up.

• 14:58Mel Robbins?

  Okay. I mean it. Right. I really mean it. If you believed in yourself, what's one change you would make that would improve your life?

• 15:10Speaker 01

  I would be less intense, I would say.

• 15:13Mel Robbins?

  Why are you intense?

• 15:15Speaker 01

  Because, um, well, just a little story where you're like, I'm an immigrant and so are my parents. And they are very tough on me. They're very toxic because of, you know, culture. And they feel the need to raise me a certain way. But in terms of, you know, living in America, what they're doing to me is very toxic and abusive. So I'm just like always living on the edge, basically.

• 15:45Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 15:46Speaker 01

  And if I could just, you know, embrace myself, I think I would be a more relaxed person.

• 15:53Mel Robbins?

  Yes. So are you open to some coaching?

• 15:56Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 15:57Mel Robbins?

  Great. Let's do that when we come back.

• 16:08Mel Robbins?

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• 16:53Mel Robbins?

  Use promo code MEL for 15% off your next order at Nordic.com and discover the power of omega three with Nordic Naturals. Supplements are not evaluated by the FDA and are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent diseases. Have you noticed that these days, there's a holiday for everything? So Ali went ahead and declared August National Dog

• 17:18Mel Robbins?

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• 17:59Mel Robbins?

  your welcome kit when you subscribe today. It's super easy and risk-free with their obsession guarantee. That's O-L-L-I-E.com/Mel and enter code MEL to get 70% off your first box. Ollie, feed the obsession. To me, self-expression is all about showing the world what's on the inside. That's why I want you to discover Pandora Talsman, a new collection designed to help you express every side of who you are. Featuring meaningful zodiac symbols and personalized jewelry pieces, each design tells a story that's uniquely yours. Pandora Talsman, a new language of self-expression, because every version of you deserves to be seen. Shop new styles

• 18:42Mel Robbins?

  in store or online at Pandora.net. This podcast is brought to you by Expedia. If you haven't booked your next trip yet, now is the time. Whether you're going to fly across the country, or maybe you just want to explore a cool beach town this summer, Expedia makes it easy. Flights, hotels, vacation rentals, cars, activities, everything you need in one place. That means no jumping between sites, no hassle, and when you bundle, you can save up to 30% with everything you need in one app. Sign in to save. Savings vary. Expedia, the one place you go to go places.

• 19:22Mel Robbins?

  Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins, and today on the podcast, I'm teaching you and two listeners how to give yourself a mindset reset, which you now know is the process where you intentionally identify the negative soundtrack from your past that's been playing in your head since childhood, and making a decision to override it with a positive, new soundtrack for your adult life. Why? Because you deserve this. You need to have a positive soundtrack, because your thoughts, when you repeat them, they become your beliefs, and your beliefs, they become your actions, and your actions turn into your habits, and your habits define who

• 20:03Mel Robbins?

  you are. And that's why it's critical to change your thoughts, because of what they ultimately trigger. Now, Poppy, who you've been listening to, has a very harsh, critical soundtrack that's been playing in her mind from her tough immigrant parents, and it's been wearing her down since she was a little girl. Now that she's an adult, it's her job to delete that old toxic soundtrack, get rid of that critical voice, and lay down a new soundtrack, something that she wants to listen to, something that empowers her. Because when you change your thoughts, you start to change everything. And Poppy, when

• 20:44Mel Robbins?

  you do that, you're going to relax. And the reason why you feel so intense, and so stressed, and so on edge, is because your parents and your childhood, it trained you to believe that at any moment, something could go wrong. And that's your lived experience. That is real. That happened. And that is what happened during your childhood. And it will also help you if you can lose the word "toxic." Like, unless your parents are abusing you, and

• 21:24Mel Robbins?

  I don't know that they are or they're not, but if you lose the word "toxic," and you amplify a little compassion, and you say, "Hmm."

• 21:37Mel Robbins?

  I'm not saying what my parents are doing is right. I'm not saying that they didn't cause issues for me emotionally and mentally and psychologically, but they did the best that they could. And I bet it was kind of hard to immigrate here. And I bet it was really hard for them. And I bet the stakes did feel high. And they felt like outsiders. And they felt like they couldn't mess up. And I bet they took all of that stress that was their lived experience and out of fear and love, they aimed it at you.

• 22:10Speaker 01

  Right.

• 22:11Mel Robbins?

  And the reason why I want you to drop the word toxic is because I see this word thrown all over the internet. And it's a very divisive word, particularly if you want to improve your relationship with the people who are engaged in behavior that feels toxic. And so I think your parents probably did the best they could with their experiences in life and with the situation that they were in. And that if they truly understood what it was like for you as a child, they'd be mortified and horrified and they'd feel terrible. Is that a fair assessment?

• 22:58Speaker 01

  I guess, for some parts.

• 23:00Mel Robbins?

  Okay. So I don't want to have you have to go in through your whole family history, but if there's, you know, abuse and that kind of stuff, then yeah, that is toxic. And you do need boundaries and you'll figure that out with your therapist. But when it comes to not adding more pressure on yourself, adding a little compassion so that it doesn't feel so personal and accepting the fact that this was a form of like emotional abuse for you that stressed you the hell out. You have this toxic stress in your body. You feel on edge all the time. You can change this.

• 23:39Mel Robbins?

  And you can also change this and change the dynamic with your parents. And the way that you change the dynamics with your parents is by taking responsibility for how you show up for yourself. There's always kind of two people in a relationship. When you change, the energy that you bring into that relationship is going to change, and they're going to have no choice but to change in reaction to it. That's how this creates a major ripple effect. Because it has held you hostage for far too long, and you have the chance to not only heal yourself, but to heal this pattern that's been passed down through your family.

• 24:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:21Mel Robbins?

  What are you thinking?

• 24:24Speaker 01

  Um, so far, right now, we're not really on speaking terms. Yes, they have abused me physically, emotionally, mentally. It's bad, yeah.

• 24:36Mel Robbins?

  Okay. And you said in your note to me when you reached out that you are currently seeking professional help.

• 24:43Speaker 01

  Um, yeah.

• 24:45Mel Robbins?

  Okay. Since you're not on speaking terms and you're seeking therapeutic help, let's first say this. I am proud of you for getting the help that you need. And I am proud of you for drawing boundaries that put you first. And drawing boundaries that put you first is an example of you believing that you're worthy and that you deserve to be happy. And that's amazing. Absolutely amazing. And when you continue to start to evict

• 25:26Mel Robbins?

  the bully that's in your head by naming that bully and talking back to that bully, you will start to hear and reclaim the most powerful voice on the planet, your own.

• 25:41Mel Robbins?

  Period. And you don't need to worry about your parents.

• 25:48Mel Robbins?

  The time will come, if it ever comes, when you will feel strong enough, confident enough, secure enough and safe enough to reconnect with them if that's what you choose to do. And if you choose to never do that, that's okay too.

• 26:10Mel Robbins?

  Because you deserve to be happy.

• 26:15Mel Robbins?

  You do.

• 26:17Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 26:20Mel Robbins?

  What did you get from this conversation?

• 26:23Speaker 01

  Oh, basically to have more compassion for others as well as myself.

• 26:31Mel Robbins?

  Yes, because part of learning to accept yourself is being compassionate. Compassion for self is super important. You don't have to excuse what somebody did. But when you seek to kind of understand what was going on, both for yourself, for other people, when you bring compassion to it, that's where you open the door to true power for yourself and where you take control and responsibility for what happens in your life moving forward. You get to decide what happens next. And when you start to change the way that you speak to yourself, again, your whole mindset's going to change.

• 27:16Mel Robbins?

  And that will be what empowers you to create a new relationship, if that's what you decide to do in the future. But what you're doing right now is you're actually working on the most important relationship on the planet, and that's the one you have with yourself.

• 27:33Speaker 01

  Right.

• 27:35Mel Robbins?

  Awesome.

• 27:36Speaker 01

  Thank you so much, Mel.

• 27:38Mel Robbins?

  I'm really proud of you.

• 27:39Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 27:40Mel Robbins?

  And thank you for telling me what you told me because you actually saying, "Wait a minute, I can hear what you're saying, but there was physical abuse here, Mel." That's you putting yourself first. That's another example of how strong you are. Thank you. You're welcome. I love you, Mel. I love you too. You're awesome, Poppy. And next up, you're going to hear from a fellow podcast listener who's been impacted by the negativity of narcissism. And she's sick of it. And we're going to talk about what steps she can take and what steps you can take too, when we come back.

• 28:23Mel Robbins?

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• 29:03Mel Robbins?

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• 29:48Mel Robbins?

  Now, this is backed by tens of thousands of studies. And yet, over 80% of Americans are not getting enough omega-3s from food alone. That's why I want to tell you about Nordic Naturals. This is not your typical fish oil. They use high-quality, sustainably sourced ingredients. They test everything for purity and freshness. And get this, it actually tastes good. No gross, ugh, aftertaste. And the worst, no fishy burps. I hate those. That's why Nordic Naturals is the number one selling omega-3 brand. Use promo code MEL for 15% off your next order at Nordic.com

• 30:31Mel Robbins?

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• 31:13Mel Robbins?

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• 31:39Mel Robbins?

  Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins. Today, you and I are talking about a mindset reset, which is when you identify the negative default programming that's been in your mind since childhood. You know, that critical voice constantly chirping away in the background. You're never good enough. Oh, you didn't get that right. You look fat today. Once you identify that negative default programming, you can erase that bully. You can evict that bully. And more importantly, you can program a new.

• 32:09Mel Robbins?

  Positive mindset soundtrack voice in its place. Well, Diane wrote in because she's realizing that she's been surrounded by narcissists her entire life and they've beaten her up to a point where she believes everything is her fault. And even though her narcissistic ex-husband is in the rearview mirror, his voice is still in her head. Hi Diane.

• 32:36Speaker 02

  Hi. My question comes more of what about when this kind of programming and voices are from spouses, friends, employers, you know, and they're just basically building on what your parents or other people have said.

• 32:51Mel Robbins?

  Great question. So the question is, what if you've got programming from childhood that now is basically being reinforced by colleagues, bosses, spouses, friend group, blobbity blobbity blob.

• 33:11Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 33:12Mel Robbins?

  What is the kind of default negative thing that you say to yourself?

• 33:17Speaker 02

  It's definitely not good enough and who the heck do you think you are?

• 33:21Mel Robbins?

  Ooh, the who the heck do you think you are? That has a real bite to it.

• 33:25Speaker 02

  Yes it does.

• 33:27Mel Robbins?

  Yeah, it does. So, um, I don't know why I'm going to ask you this, but I'm going to ask you this. Were either of your parents on the narcissism personality disorder by chance?

• 33:41Speaker 02

  Well, I'm pretty close. I would say yes, one of them for sure.

• 33:48Mel Robbins?

  And the reason why I say that is because the who do you think you are has a very hostile nature to it. So I would imagine, and again, I'm just guessing, just guessing here, that there was a level of either hostility or fighting or outbursts or eruptions that were very chaotic for you when you were a little kid, happening with the adults in your house.

• 34:19Speaker 02

  I've blocked out a lot. I remember more of my adulthood where my ex was a narcissist.

• 34:26Mel Robbins?

  Okay.

• 34:27Speaker 02

  You know, definitely.

• 34:28Mel Robbins?

  Yep, okay. So, I am not surprised that you blocked a lot of childhood out. Because what happens is that when you're in a situation that is extremely stressful as a young kid, because the adults around you can't be trusted, or they're erratic, or whatever the situation may be, you live in a state of fight or flight, and the alarm system in your body's going off. And when you are on edge, and the alarm system in your nervous system is going off, because you don't feel safe around the adults in the house,

• 35:10Mel Robbins?

  it impairs the cognitive functioning in your brain. This comes from research out of UCLA. Dr. Judith Willis has studied extensively how nervous system dysregulation impacts the brain's ability to function. And so if you're busy managing this toxic stress in your body as a kid, your brain's not actually present to make memories. And so, super normal to not have a lot of memories, by the way. I do not have a lot of memories from my childhood, from high school, from college, from law school, because I was in a constant state of anxiety. Never present in the room to make memories there.

• 35:52Mel Robbins?

  And what I want to tell you first is the good news. So, the good news is, even though you have been the victim of being with a narcissist, and you have had a childhood that was fraught with all kinds of stuff, you can change your brain.

• 36:13Mel Robbins?

  You can learn how to calm your nervous system, and you can absolutely change the programming in your mind. And I want you to relate to the programming in your mind as if it was deliberately put there. Because even though a narcissist, or somebody with a narcissistic personality, is not deliberately doing this to you, they are so incapable of empathy, they're not even considering you and me. We're objects. They're just doing what they're doing, but we get damaged in the way that we think about ourselves when you're around somebody like that.

• 36:56Mel Robbins?

  Because you think you're the problem. You think that if there was something different about you, then everything would be okay. And lots of people with a narcissistic personality issue, they actually tell you that you're the problem. And so, this was a deliberate programming in your mind, at the hands of other adults. Now, the good news is, you're an adult, and you can take deliberate steps to reprogram your mind. And I'm going straight for, like, boom, in the face on this, because I want you to realize that you gotta get deliberate about this.

• 37:39Mel Robbins?

  That somebody else trained you to think this way. And it is a level of being deliberate, as if I said, "You're gonna move to Russia, and you gotta speak fluent Russian." I realize you've spoken...how old are you? 65. You've spoken English for 65 years. Okay. But for the rest of your life, we're gonna speak Russian. We're gonna speak Swahili. We're gonna speak a different language. And you can learn a different language. And learning to shut off the abusive voice in your head, and teaching yourself, through

• 38:23Mel Robbins?

  thought substitution, a different language, is what you're going to have to do. So that's number one. Number two...

• 38:37Mel Robbins?

  You're not gonna overnight be able to look in your mirror like, "I love myself." It doesn't work that way, because you've had a lifetime of people telling you otherwise. And your brain will reject any mantra that you choose that you have actively tried to disprove. And so, we gotta pick something for you that you believe in the truth of it. And what I believe that everybody deserves is, I think you can say, "I deserve to be happy." Or, "I'm a good person who's trying her best, and I deserve to be happy." "I'm a kind person who deserves respect."

• 39:19Mel Robbins?

  "I am doing the best I can, and that's good enough." Like, there are these mantras that kick the narcissist, "You're not good enough, who do you think you are?" thing out of your head. And you can say something back that's like, "Hey, I'm a kind person, doing the best I can, and that's good enough." And that is enough of a rebuke. And it's believable enough, even when you're beaten down, that as you repeat it, and repeat it, and repeat it, and repeat it to yourself, because you're gonna have to, you will start to believe it. And one final thing that I wanted to say to you is that, you know how you said that the program started with my parents, and then it was an ex, and then it was colleagues,

• 40:04Mel Robbins?

  and then it was a boss? That may be true. But we've also got to start to do the work of catching the filter in your brain. So, yes, your boss may be an erratic douche, who calls out the things that are negative, or is always in a grouchy mood. But that doesn't mean anything about you.

• 40:29Mel Robbins?

  This is where your filter and the programming in your mind scans the world and reads your boss's crappy mood as having to do with you. Because the narcissists in your life made you feel like everything was your fault. For all you know, your boss's wife is having an affair, he's going through a tumultuous divorce, he's dealing with irritable bowel syndrome, which is why he's always grouchy, and he's a really sad sack guy who can't get his shit together because he has childhood trauma, none of which has to do with you. But your programming in your mind makes you think everything's your fault. And that's also the part of the work that you're gonna need to do. You gotta reprogram the words you say.

• 41:14Mel Robbins?

  "Hey, I'm a kind person, I'm doing the best I can, that's good enough." Or, "I deserve to be happy, especially after these assholes that were in my life." You can put a little sauce in there, like, you know, you can tell I like a little spicy mantra, like something that, you know, because if you don't quite believe it, if it doesn't loosen you up a little bit, that's not the right thing to say. Because most mantras are bullshit, because people pick things like, "I love myself," and then they spend the day going, "You look like shit, you're screwed that," like, no, you don't love yourself. "I need to give myself a break. I'm doing the best I can. Now, there's a mantra I can get behind, because I believe that." And so, pick something believable, put a little edge or fun into

• 41:54Mel Robbins?

  it, because it shakes the mood down a little bit. And then, go to work on this filter that you have of making everything is your fault, because it's freaking not. Your stupid parents and your dumb ex-husband, all of whom were mentally challenged with narcissistic personalities, made you think that horseshit. You're not to blame for that, but you have a responsibility to change the way you talk to yourself, and to basically go, "Not everything's about me. Thank God." I love that you're laughing now. You seem lighter. What did you get out of this?

• 42:29Speaker 02

  I love, the one thing, it's "Not everything's about me, period. It's not, it's not mine, not always, not all of it," you know, and really retraining the brain, really working through, catching those filters. You know, and it's gonna have to be one step at a time.

• 42:46Mel Robbins?

  That's it. And, and here's the thing, give yourself a fucking break. Seriously.

• 42:53Mel Robbins?

  Give yourself a break. Like have a little bit of compassion for you. Wow, I got out of a marriage with a raging narcissist. I'm pretty awesome.

• 43:04Speaker 02

  Yes, I am.

• 43:05Mel Robbins?

  Yes, you are.

• 43:07Speaker 02

  Yes, I am.

• 43:07Mel Robbins?

  Give yourself more credit. Let me hear you say your new mantra.

• 43:13Speaker 02

  Well, quit taking myself so seriously. I'm not getting out of this thing alive.

• 43:18Mel Robbins?

  That's true. This ends the same. And how about adding, I might as well enjoy the rest of the ride.

• 43:24Speaker 02

  There we go. I may as well enjoy the rest of the ride.

• 43:27Mel Robbins?

  The first 65 kicked my ass, so let's have some fun the next 65.

• 43:31Speaker 02

  And they did. Oh, my Lord.

• 43:33Mel Robbins?

  Yeah, but you're here laughing about it. That's more than most can say.

• 43:39Mel Robbins?

  And so I do believe the best days of your life are on the road ahead.

• 43:50Mel Robbins?

  I believe that.

• 43:53Speaker 02

  Thank you. I'm believing it too. I'm getting there.

• 43:58Mel Robbins?

  Awesome. Well, you know, I'm here. I'll be kicking your ass forward the whole way.

• 44:03Speaker 02

  Good.

• 44:03Mel Robbins?

  Let's go. All right, go get them.

• 44:13Mel Robbins?

  If you were listening to that and you felt it deep in your body somewhere,

• 44:25Mel Robbins?

  I want you to know that when you have the revelation that the voice that you've listened to for years, the voice that's held you back, that made you feel like shit, that it's actually not even yours?

• 44:45Mel Robbins?

  That can make your heart seize for a minute. It's kind of one of those like, "Wait, what?"

• 44:52Mel Robbins?

  And then when I add on top of it, that you're not to blame for the crap that somebody programmed into your head. You were just a little person with three pounds of macaroni that was trying to absorb everything around it. And our brains love patterns, and it picks up on patterns of speaking. And

• 45:15Mel Robbins?

  that's what your brain did.

• 45:18Mel Robbins?

  And so if you're having this revelation, holy shit. I've thought that everything's my fault for my entire life because somebody made me believe it was, and then I held on to that belief.

• 45:33Mel Robbins?

  Don't freak out. This is great news because so many people spend their entire lives not even realizing that it's possible to change the way you think. It is possible to put a new playlist in your mind. It is possible to filter the world completely differently and to make your brain work for you. Now, are you gonna have positive thoughts all day long? No. Are you gonna be like, you know,

• 46:06Mel Robbins?

  a thousand percent confident? No. But can you stop torturing yourself? Yes. Can you start encouraging yourself? You better believe you can. Can you separate what your narcissistic piece of shit ex-spouse said to you from what you actually believe about yourself? That you want to believe about yourself? Yeah, you can. Can you do it overnight? No. You're gonna have to work at this, just like the people in your past worked over time at saying things to you that beat you down.

• 46:49Mel Robbins?

  This stuff takes hold over time. But the good news is, your brain is super responsive. And when you combine what you're learning about resetting your mind with

• 47:03Mel Robbins?

  Healing your nervous system and the science of making and sticking to new habits, all of which you are absolutely smart enough and capable enough to apply to your life because your friend Mel Robbins, I am not going to make this scientific. I'm going to give you the science so that you know this stuff works and you can count on it and trust it, but I make this stuff so dead simple that literally your kids and I can do it. And so you can do everything that you are learning on the Mel Robbins podcast. You can change your mind. You can kick the bully out of your head. You can program in new thoughts. You can actively work to change the reticular activity system in your brain, that network

• 47:48Mel Robbins?

  of neurons that filters the world. You can take better care of your brain and taking care of your physical brain will also help the thoughts in your mind. You can develop new healthy habits and you can do this. You can make it easier and you can heal your nervous system, which is the trifecta of transformation. We hit the habits, the mindset and the nervous system? Holy shit, you're like the Terminator of transformation. You could do anything. I believe that. I just have way too much evidence. And if you're cynical about that, take a look at who taught you to be cynical?

• 48:31Mel Robbins?

  Just because life hasn't worked out for you the way that you wanted to up until this point, who fucking says it's not going to work out for you and the best days aren't ahead? I'll tell you who says, you do. You decide whether or not you're going to continue to let all this crap you're not responsible for to hold you back, or you're going to take responsibility for what happens next. Heal your nervous system. Change your mind. You can do that and you don't have to spend a dollar to do it. Make new habits, habits that actually help you get what you want, what you deserve. You can do that and you do not have to spend money to do it.

• 49:11Mel Robbins?

  And one more thing, you can go beyond just listening and you can truly start doing. And I want to help. I've created a brand new free training program called Take Control with Mel Robbins. I do this every single spring as a gift to all of my followers around the world and the folks on our newsletter list and to now you, our beloved podcast family. This is a three-part free video training and you can access it from melrobbins.com/takecontrol or there's a link right in the show notes. It has a very detailed and amazing workbook that our team put together.

• 49:52Mel Robbins?

  And in the free training, I am going to hold your hand and I am going to be your teacher and I am going to walk you through exercises that are backed by science that will help you take everything you just learned in these coaching sessions and apply it to your own life, to that voice in your head and to the changes that you want to make. That's what we're going to do in part one. In part two, oh my gosh, I'm going to show you the coolest thing because I brought all these amazing visual examples that will help you see how you process and think. And once you understand whether you're what I call a box stepper or a box jumper, you're

• 50:33Mel Robbins?

  now going to have the self-awareness to know how to identify what habits and what changes you could make in order to support you taking control. And then finally, training number three, it just brings it all home and it helps you get super inspired and ready for action. So how do you get you this free training? Just go to melrobbins.com/takecontrol. You can also go to the show notes where absolutely every resource that we mention in these coaching sessions in today's episode are. And I do this because I believe in you and I know change is hard. But if you are jumping in with me as your coach and a quarter of a million people around

• 51:14Mel Robbins?

  the world who are also part of this amazing, brand-new training program that we've just launched, you're more likely to make it stick and I so want that for you. That's why I'm here. I'm here to help you do these things. I'm here because I know it's possible. I'm here because I'm trying to save you the headache of living with these negative thoughts, as I have for 40-plus years. I'm trying to save you just the discomfort and agitation and the horrible feeling of living with a dysregulated nervous system, as I have done for over 45 years. And I am absolutely right here beside you, trying to make some new habits, using this

• 51:58Mel Robbins?

  simple science. And so, we got each other's back in this one. But I want you to know, change is possible. It's not only possible, you will make it happen. You just have to start to do the work. All right. I love you. I believe in you and your ability to take all these coaching sessions and apply them to your life right now. And I can't wait to hear what you got out of this episode. Talk to you in a few days.

• 52:48Mel Robbins?

  Oh, one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional.

• 53:14Mel Robbins?

  This episode is brought to you by SoFi, the everything app for smarter money. Let me ask you something. Is your money working for you? Or is it just sitting there? A lot of us work hard, get paid, and then leave our paycheck in checking. That's an easy habit to change. With SoFi Checking and Savings, you can earn up to 3.8% savings APY for up to $6,000 With no account fees and a cash bonus of up to $400 when you sign up with eligible direct deposit. Terms apply. It takes just minutes to open an account from your phone and you can organize your savings into vaults for the goals you're working toward. Go to sofi.com/mal to get started. SoFi, get your money right.

• 53:58Mel Robbins?

  SoFi Checking and Savings is offered through SoFi Bank, N A, Member FDIC. Nearly 50 years after Stephen King's Carrie became a cultural phenomenon, Mike Flanagan is reimagining the iconic story for a new generation. Now, the new series honors the legacy of the original Carrie, but it's asking the question, are we watching the origin of a hero, a villain, or something far more complicated? And in this modern social media age, Carrie's new story resonates more than ever. You don't want to miss it. Carrie is now streaming on Prime Video.