I Can’t Stop Obsessing Over My Husband’s Ex

🔥⁠ Microhabits for a better marriage. Download the Together app.⁠ On today’s episode, we hear about: A woman who’s paranoid about her husband’s ex A wife who’s feeling uncomfortable with her husband seeing her naked A mom who’s wondering if she should let her child go to sleepovers Next Steps: 🎉 Enter the⁠ Ramsey Cash Giveaway⁠ for a chance at $500 weekly prizes and a $10,000 grand prize! Daily entries increase chances of winning. ❤️⁠ Get away with your spouse today!⁠ 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or⁠ send us a message⁠. 📚⁠ Building a Non-Anxious Life⁠ 📝⁠ Anxiety Test⁠ 📚⁠ Own Your Past, Change Your Future⁠ ❓⁠ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards⁠ 💭⁠ John’s Free Guided Meditation⁠ 🤘🏼⁠ The Dr. John Delony Show Merch⁠ Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of⁠ BetterHelp⁠. Go to⁠ Capstone Wellness⁠ to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at⁠ Cozy Earth⁠. Get 20% off when you join⁠ DeleteMe⁠. Visit⁠ Hallow⁠ for a 90-day free trial. Visit⁠ Helix Sleep⁠ for special offers! Working knives for working people—go to⁠ Montana Knife Company⁠ to see what’s available now! Explore⁠ Poncho Outdoors⁠! Head to⁠ Shady Rays⁠ and use code DELONY for 40% off two or more polarized sunglasses. Get 25% off your order at⁠ Thorne⁠. Visit⁠ Zander Insurance⁠ or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️⁠ The Ramsey Show⁠ 💸⁠ The Ramsey Show Highlights⁠ 🍸⁠ Smart Money Happy Hour⁠ 💰⁠ George Kamel⁠ 🪑⁠ Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman⁠ 📈⁠ EntreLeadership⁠ ⁠Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Dr. John Delony?

  This is an ad for BetterHelp. If you've ever said, "I'm not in a crisis. I don't need therapy." I want you to reconsider. The time to take care of your mental health is before things fall apart. Talking to someone can help. Get started at betterhelp.com/daloni and save 10%.

• 0:22Speaker 01

  I cannot stop obsessing about my husband's ex-wife. I am just constantly thinking about what their relationship was like, comparing myself to her, worried about whether she's gonna come back around and...

• 0:36Dr. John Delony?

  Do they still communicate? Are they still talking?

• 0:39Speaker 01

  Well...

• 0:45Dr. John Delony?

  What up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Thanks for joining us, talking about your mental health and your emotional health and your kids and your marriage. Everything you've got going on in your life. Pull up a seat and we'll figure out what's the next right move. If you want to be on this show, I'd love to have you click the link in the show notes. And if you don't know what show notes are, send Kelly a letter via mail. I will leave her address at the end of the show, her personal home address.

• 1:15Speaker 02

  Preferably maybe like smoke signals, carrier pigeon?

• 1:18Dr. John Delony?

  Nope, letter. She actually, I heard you bought the unit in the trailer park next to you, which is awesome. Now you have like an extra like lot, which is cool.

• 1:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's for like a office space.

• 1:33Dr. John Delony?

  Just an outdoor office space under a tarp. You keep working hard, Kelly, you're gonna get there. I'm proud of you.

• 1:40Speaker 02

  Well, if you keep working hard, I have a better chance of getting there.

• 1:43Dr. John Delony?

  That's probably fair. And on that front, not looking great, not looking great. We are slowly ticking back down to our original 17 listeners. And all right, let's go to Salt Lake City and talk to Olivia. Hey, Olivia, what's up?

• 1:58Speaker 01

  Hey, how's it going?

• 1:59Dr. John Delony?

  Doing all right, how are you?

• 2:01Speaker 01

  I'm good, I'm good.

• 2:04Dr. John Delony?

  So what's going on?

• 2:05Speaker 01

  Um, yeah, I was just calling because I, for some reason, cannot stop obsessing about my ex hu- my husband's ex-wife and their relationship.

• 2:18Dr. John Delony?

  Uh, tell me about it.

• 2:21Speaker 01

  Um, I am just constantly thinking about what their relationship was like and her and, you know, comparing myself to her, um, worried about whether she's gonna come back around and all of that, so it's, it's kind of embarrassing, but...

• 2:41Dr. John Delony?

  Hey, listen, set that stuff down. None of this is embarrassing. None of it, okay? You're good. You're not crazy.

• 2:49Speaker 01

  (laughing)

• 2:50Dr. John Delony?

  Um, uh...

• 2:54Dr. John Delony?

  How long have you been married?

• 2:57Speaker 01

  So, we got married, um, a year and a half ago, or almost two years ago.

• 3:02Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 3:03Speaker 01

  We've been together for four years altogether.

• 3:10Dr. John Delony?

  Does your husband and his ex have kids together?

• 3:13Speaker 01

  No. Part of the reason why I feel so crazy, you know, like I don't even-

• 3:19Dr. John Delony?

  Do they still communicate? Are they still talking?

• 3:22Speaker 01

  Well, they aren't anymore. Um, when we first started dating, they're- they were friends, he told me, and I thought, that's okay, you know? Nowadays, people have-

• 3:34Dr. John Delony?

  Nope, not okay, but keep going. Keep going.

• 3:37Speaker 01

  (laughing) Oh, you know. Um, and then I got a little insecure when we were having our first Christmas together, and I snooped on his phone, and I found, um, a text message exchange from them where he said that he was getting her a Christmas present, and he said, they exchanged "I love yous", and so that was obviously shocking, and was kind of our big first fight, and we resolved it, but I feel like ever since then, I've just kind of been nervous that she's gonna come back around and cause problems.

• 4:15Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. So, they got divorced six years ago?

• 4:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, uh-huh.

• 4:21Dr. John Delony?

  Um...

• 4:29Dr. John Delony?

  Something tells me you're quick to look in the mirror and blame yourself for things in your life. Am I right on that?

• 4:37Speaker 01

  Probably.

• 4:38Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Um, would you classify yourself as a people pleaser? You don't like it when people are mad at you. You don't like it when people don't like you?

• 4:46Speaker 01

  For sure. Yeah, absolutely.

• 4:48Dr. John Delony?

  So anytime I'm talking to somebody who struggles with people pleasing,

• 4:55Dr. John Delony?

  I want to always hit the other side of the scale just to see if there's anything there. Okay? And so,

• 5:05Dr. John Delony?

  if your husband of two years and your romantic partner of almost six years is still talking with his ex-wife that he has no kids with, there's no reason to continue this relationship. They got divorced. And then he said, "With to you till death do us part." Right?

• 5:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:24Dr. John Delony?

  There's no reason to have any continued contact at all. None.

• 5:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:28Dr. John Delony?

  And so you're not crazy.

• 5:32Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 5:33Dr. John Delony?

  Um,

• 5:35Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to test your gut with me. Your gut feeling. Does he hide things from you?

• 5:42Speaker 01

  No.

• 5:43Dr. John Delony?

  Does he flip his phone over when you walk in? Does he delete things? Are y'all aligned like on money? Are you aligned on like your future together?

• 5:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's the thing is like our relationship's great. We, he never hides anything. He tells me all the time, like, "You're welcome to look at my phone." He hasn't changed his passcode or anything. I have all of his passwords to everything. Like financially, we're aligned. That's why it's so ridiculous to me that I'm still so obsessed about it because like there's no proof.

• 6:12Dr. John Delony?

  Sure.

• 6:12Speaker 01

  It's just my, my mind can't stop. I don't know.

• 6:17Dr. John Delony?

  Have you struggled with anxiety in the past?

• 6:20Speaker 01

  No, not really. I mean, there's moments in my life where I have something big going on where I have a little anxiety about it.

• 6:26Dr. John Delony?

  Well, of course. That's good. That's healthy, right?

• 6:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:28Dr. John Delony?

  It's good for us.

• 6:29Speaker 01

  I feel like part of the, part of the problem is that I knew her before, I knew both of them before they got married. And so that's kind of part of the comparison is like, I wish I didn't know her at all and it wasn't, you know, the thing.

• 6:45Dr. John Delony?

  Sure. Um.

• 6:48Dr. John Delony?

  This may be a dangerous track to take.

• 6:52Dr. John Delony?

  But, give me some places that you, the stories you've told yourself, you tell yourself, right? Give me some places where you don't believe you measure up to her.

• 7:02Dr. John Delony?

  I'll get really crass and direct. Is she prettier than you, do you think?

• 7:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, and she's more successful. I feel like, maybe they had a better sex life, maybe. You know, I'm like, always asking them questions like, "Did you guys ever go here?" Or, "Did you..." You know, I'm asking them like, specific questions about their sex. And it's just, it's too much, you know, like, everything.

• 7:25Dr. John Delony?

  What is it about you that you don't think measures up?

• 7:31Speaker 01

  I don't know.

• 7:32Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, you know, you know, because it haunts you. I want to get it out of your body and I want you to say it out loud. And take her off the table for a minute. Where do you think you're letting him down?

• 7:48Speaker 01

  I, I just maybe have never felt like I deserved somebody as good as him. And, so every, I feel like I'm failing him in every way.

• 8:00Dr. John Delony?

  So, who taught you that you weren't worthy of guys like him?

• 8:06Speaker 01

  Well, I don't know if I, I've thought about this before. I don't know if I've been taught in it, or just... I don't know. I feel like my parents did a great job of raising us, but, um, I have had a terrible ex-husband and a terrible baby daddy. And all my exes were not great. So now I finally hit the jackpot, you know, and that's...

• 8:28Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me, tell me what not great means. Tell me what not great means. Did they cheat on you?

• 8:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, my, my, the father of my son cheated on me when I was pregnant. And then, my ex-husband was an alcoholic.

• 8:42Speaker 01

  It was borderline domestic abuse situation. And then, um, other guys that I dated were just not good enough. They treated me okay, but just...

• 8:55Dr. John Delony?

  How did your, how did your mom celebrate you as a kid?

• 9:02Speaker 01

  Um.

• 9:03Dr. John Delony?

  Like, when did, when did she look at you and say, "My God, I'm glad you're my daughter."

• 9:10Speaker 01

  I feel like they did a good job of praising us, but I'm a twin and I feel like I was always being compared to my twin sister and she, we really didn't have much growing up and she was better at sports and that was what they focused on because they knew they couldn't afford to send us to college without sports scholarships and so she got, my sister got a lot of the attention and I just kind of got put on the back burner.

• 9:36Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Had your dad tell you that he was so grateful that he got you as his daughter?

• 9:46Speaker 01

  Oh, he was amazing. He always praised us and told us how wonderful we were.

• 9:51Dr. John Delony?

  I didn't say us. I didn't say y'all. I said you.

• 9:54Speaker 01

  Yeah. Um, I don't remember specifics, but I feel like he did a good job.

• 10:02Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So, let me say this. Your parents probably did the best job they could. A great job.

• 10:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:13Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? And, as an adult, how old are you?

• 10:18Speaker 01

  Thirty-two.

• 10:18Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. They don't need you to defend them anymore.

• 10:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:23Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Um, the, your husband sounds pretty amazing, like he's a great guy?

• 10:32Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 10:32Dr. John Delony?

  And he's not perfect.

• 10:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:36Dr. John Delony?

  And so you're creating these pictures of these other people that aren't real.

• 10:43Dr. John Delony?

  And you're burying some truths about them.

• 10:47Dr. John Delony?

  Like, just, just go with me on the track you just painted me. From a little girl, you had a twin sister who looked just like you, who slept in the same room as you, but she was faster.

• 11:02Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 11:03Dr. John Delony?

  And you knew then, oh, there's a hierarchy here.

• 11:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:09Dr. John Delony?

  And then you meet men who treated you like crap. And as a people pleaser, you did everything you could to try to love them the way they wanted to be loved.

• 11:18Speaker 01

  Mm hmm.

• 11:19Dr. John Delony?

  And they still drank, they still cheated on you, they still scared you to death for your physical safety.

• 11:25Speaker 01

  Mm hmm.

• 11:26Dr. John Delony?

  Then you met a new guy. You married him.

• 11:32Dr. John Delony?

  And you're looking at old Facebook photos of his ex.

• 11:38Dr. John Delony?

  And you're lining up next to her like you're next to your twin sister again, watching her get the snow cone after the big soccer game.

• 11:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly.

• 11:49Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, and so, um.

• 11:53Dr. John Delony?

  What I'm trying to do is I want you to solve for reality here. The reality is these folks were good, they weren't the best ever of all time, perfect. And you're not perfect either. But this guy that you love, he picked you.

• 12:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:08Dr. John Delony?

  And did he not untangle himself from his ex the way I would have hoped he would? Yeah, of course.

• 12:14Speaker 01

  Mm hmm.

• 12:15Dr. John Delony?

  Right? Early on in my marriage, I was guilty of that too. I was still friends with all my old exes, right?

• 12:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:22Dr. John Delony?

  I didn't, I mean, I was an idiot, right?

• 12:25Speaker 01

  Mm hmm.

• 12:26Dr. John Delony?

  So. The challenge you have before you is twofold. Number one, you have to decide that you're worth this guy's love. There's not a thing he can do to prove it to you.

• 12:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:38Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And you have to prove, you have to decide, I was not worth what those other men did to me.

• 12:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:47Dr. John Delony?

  And the, the, the hard part is this is not an intellectual exercise as much as it's a spiritual exercise and a body exercise. I gotta do different things.

• 12:59Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? And that leads to number two.

• 13:03Dr. John Delony?

  If you will make a concerted effort, and you're gonna hate that I'm saying this, over the next year or two.

• 13:10Speaker 01

  Mm hmm.

• 13:11Dr. John Delony?

  To every time that woman pops in your head.

• 13:17Dr. John Delony?

  And you start up a story. You say out loud, "Nope, not doing it."

• 13:24Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 13:25Dr. John Delony?

  And

• 13:26Speaker 01

  I can hear that.

• 13:27Dr. John Delony?

  And immediately replace it with a positive story about you that's true, not one that you've made up.

• 13:35Dr. John Delony?

  Right? Because maybe she's a size two and you're a size eight. So you're not going to say, "I'm thin and be..." like, maybe, I don't know, maybe. But you're going to make up a story. I mean, you're going to tell yourself a story that's true.

• 13:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, okay.

• 13:48Dr. John Delony?

  And we're going to let our default setting over the next year shift to

• 13:55Dr. John Delony?

  "I'm worth being in this house. I'm worth being this guy. This guy picked me and I picked him."

• 14:00Dr. John Delony?

  And here's another exercise you can do. I don't know if it would, if it's too soon for you right now, but I think it would be worthy of trying.

• 14:08Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 14:08Dr. John Delony?

  You're going to think I'm nuts.

• 14:11Dr. John Delony?

  Print off a picture of her from Facebook and put it in a frame.

• 14:16Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 14:17Dr. John Delony?

  And, or put it in your back pocket.

• 14:21Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 14:21Dr. John Delony?

  And every time you're about to go on a date, every time you're waiting for him to come home, every time you think, "Oh, tonight, he's going to get lucky. I'm going to get lucky."

• 14:33Dr. John Delony?

  And you start to feel anxious. I want you to pull out that picture and look at it and say, "You know what? I'm going to ruin tonight for you."

• 14:40Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 14:41Dr. John Delony?

  "I'm going to invite you into our house to ruin tonight for us."

• 14:46Dr. John Delony?

  And, and, right, and, um, this is, it's an exercise I, I, I picked up from Terry Real, who, when somebody's mother is over invasive, right? And they're always lecturing. He said, "Take a picture of your mom and right before you're about to yell at your wife, pull that picture out and say, 'Mom, I'm going to, I'm going to berate my wife for you. This one's for you.'" And it's, it'll stop it almost immediately.

• 15:11Dr. John Delony?

  But here's what I want you to wrap your head around. You can practice taking control of not the feeling and not the, the lightning bolt. Because you have lightning bolts of them in bed together.

• 15:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:26Dr. John Delony?

  Right? You can't stop that lightning bolt that happens. What you can stop is going down the rabbit hole, the fantasy replaying an imaginary movie in your mind.

• 15:40Dr. John Delony?

  You can choose to not focus on that.

• 15:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:45Dr. John Delony?

  And over time, those lightning bolts will get less and less and less.

• 15:51Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 15:52Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so you don't have to watch the movie when you see the commercial.

• 16:01Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 16:03Dr. John Delony?

  You hear what I'm saying? And this is, it's gonna take practice and it's gonna take work.

• 16:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:08Dr. John Delony?

  Have you gained anything insightful by being extra inquisitive about your husband's sex life with his ex?

• 16:21Speaker 01

  No, absolutely not.

• 16:22Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, then, then it's like me picking up a, like a calculus four textbook. Me reading that will do me no good.

• 16:32Speaker 01

  Right, yeah.

• 16:33Dr. John Delony?

  So, decide, was, no, it's not silly, it's, it's protective, right?

• 16:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:39Dr. John Delony?

  Because you still blame yourself for some of the things that happened with your exes. And it's madness.

• 16:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:45Dr. John Delony?

  That's the silly part. But your body's trying to protect you from that ever happening again. So what do I gotta do? What do I gotta do? What positions do I gotta be? What size do I have to be? Do I look good enough? Do I make good enough money? Like, your body's just trying to protect you.

• 16:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:58Dr. John Delony?

  And so your body's not being silly. It's not broken. It's just trying to protect you because it's been on this road before.

• 17:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:03Dr. John Delony?

  And you have to teach your body through action.

• 17:07Speaker 01

  That it's safe.

• 17:08Dr. John Delony?

  I'm driving now, I'm, I'm, I'm okay. Yeah, I wasn't safe then, I'm safe now.

• 17:13Speaker 01

  Okay, makes sense.

• 17:15Dr. John Delony?

  Um, does your husband want to dig into your sexual history?

• 17:19Speaker 01

  No.

• 17:19Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 17:20Speaker 01

  He can, but I'm very open about stuff, but yeah, he's not, it's not reciprocated usually.

• 17:26Dr. John Delony?

  Probably because he's like, yeah, I'm good. I, I mean, what, what, what, what good is that going to do us moving forward?

• 17:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly. And I asked him the other day, like, do you ever think about my exes? And he's like, no. Of course not.

• 17:39Dr. John Delony?

  By the way, he does, and it was, I mean. He does, but

• 17:44Speaker 01

  Not the same extent that I do.

• 17:46Dr. John Delony?

  But, but my guess is the lightning bolt pops in and he's like, yeah, nope. Right?

• 17:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:52Dr. John Delony?

  And, and

• 17:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:53Dr. John Delony?

  It, but it comes down to a choice of this woman doesn't get a seat at my table.

• 17:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:58Dr. John Delony?

  In my home with my new husband.

• 18:01Speaker 01

  Right, yeah.

• 18:02Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to stop going to war with your body. It's just trying to protect you. It's been do, it's been fighting this fight your whole life.

• 18:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:10Dr. John Delony?

  It's just trying to help out. The more you fight your body, the more it's gonna be like, she's, she doesn't get it. Sound the alarms louder, right?

• 18:17Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 18:18Dr. John Delony?

  But by giving your body a seat at the table, being like, ah, I got you. You're trying to protect me. I'm good. I love him and he loves me.

• 18:25Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm. Yeah.

• 18:26Dr. John Delony?

  He picked me and I picked him. And you can tell him, if you ever text her again, I'm gonna kill you in your sleep. Right?

• 18:34Speaker 01

  Yeah. Oh, he knows.

• 18:36Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome. So, yeah, I, I, I think you're... I'm trying to put myself in your seat. I think I would be anxious too. I think I'd be uncomfortable too. I think I want to know, do I measure up? I mean, I, I think I would be in the exact same spot a year and a half or two and a half years in. And I have to, I would have to look in the mirror and say, all this is doing is dragging down the building project that is our marriage moving forward. And I'm not going to carry old baggage and I'm not going to go sift through the dumpster of his old baggage and try to find new things to carry into our future. I'm not gonna do that. And it just takes intentionality and practice and taking capture of your thoughts.

• 19:20Dr. John Delony?

  And if you need to print out a picture of her and be like, you know what? I'm inviting you to destroy our evening. You'll, you'll crumple the paper up and throw it away. I mean, you'll be like, um, you don't get a seat here. This is my house. This is our house and you're not welcome. It's just gonna take some practice. Thank you so much for the call. Um, it was a brave call that you made and I'm really glad that you were here. We come back, a woman asks how to figure out why she doesn't want her husband to see her naked. We'll be right back.

• 19:52Dr. John Delony?

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• 21:09Dr. John Delony?

  All right, Grand Rapids, Michigan. Let's talk to Crystal with a K. What's up, Crystal?

• 21:15Speaker 03

  Yo, how's it going?

• 21:16Dr. John Delony?

  Dude, we are rocking on to the break of dawn. How about you?

• 21:20Speaker 03

  Oh, about the same. Waiting for the weather to warm up, so yeah.

• 21:24Dr. John Delony?

  It's a thousand degrees in Nashville, so. Actually, it was nice today. It was hot yesterday, but doing great.

• 21:29Speaker 03

  Pretty jealous.

• 21:29Dr. John Delony?

  So what's up?

• 21:31Speaker 03

  Well, I wrote in because I have an issue that I have not heard you talk about before, and I am uncomfortable, and I don't want my husband to see me naked. I've been trying to figure out why, because it wasn't always this way, and I think I need a different perspective.

• 21:56Dr. John Delony?

  Well, I'm glad you're here. So...

• 22:02Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me more about it.

• 22:04Speaker 03

  Um, it's really difficult. I don't want to like, talk too bad about him, but it's been rough.

• 22:12Dr. John Delony?

  Just tell me the truth. That's it.

• 22:14Speaker 03

  He sucks in a lot of ways.

• 22:16Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, alright. Tell me about that.

• 22:19Speaker 03

  Um, well, I've been triangulated against with his sister. Um, I was, during some of our not getting along times, I was told I'm not a part of his family. Uh, he's hoping that we would move back to that. And that was jaw dropping because I, I assumed I was.

• 22:39Dr. John Delony?

  Who told you you weren't part of the family?

• 22:42Speaker 03

  He did.

• 22:44Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Why'd he tell you that?

• 22:48Speaker 03

  He wasn't happy with, I guess, where our relationship was at the moment. Um.

• 22:52Dr. John Delony?

  You're married.

• 22:54Speaker 03

  I know.

• 22:55Dr. John Delony?

  You're a part of his family.

• 22:57Speaker 03

  I've never been gaslit before until I met him.

• 23:01Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, hold on. You're using so many counselor-y internet words.

• 23:04Speaker 03

  I'm sorry.

• 23:05Dr. John Delony?

  Triangulation and gaslight and impede, like, just talk to me like I'm 14. Like, what?

• 23:12Speaker 03

  Um, he doesn't listen to me. I'll be talking and he won't hear anything I say. Um, he doesn't take things that I say as, um, like knowledge. For example, we were planting seeds. And I've had many successful gardens and, um, I was just giving him some insight about the peppers. And, um, when to start them. I, I honestly don't think he was listening to me at all because then about a week later, he watched some YouTube videos and he started basically reciting the exact same information I told him. But it came from somebody else. I have asked him about that and he said that, yeah, he does do that.

• 23:54Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 23:54Speaker 03

  And, um, he's trying to not to. Just like, I asked him, um, this one, I think. Oh, there's so many. So, I guess one of the things was, um,

• 24:07Speaker 03

  We were working on trying to get back together and just talking about our marriage. And I, I just, you know, things like socks on the floor. He's not overly messy, but um, they, they don't really bother me that much. Cause I know he works hard and I said something to that effect. I said, I, it doesn't bother me, you know? That's fine. I said, I'm pretty easy to please. And his comment was, no, you're not, cause I can't seem to do anything right.

• 24:34Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, okay, let me stop right there.

• 24:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 24:36Dr. John Delony?

  You've told me several things that would validate what he said.

• 24:41Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 24:43Dr. John Delony?

  And so if, if you're being honest, just with yourself, like if I'm sitting here holding up a mirror,

• 24:51Dr. John Delony?

  is he, are, are you hard to please? That doesn't make you a bad person.

• 24:55Speaker 03

  No.

• 24:57Dr. John Delony?

  So why, why would he say that other than he's just a complete jerk and he's trying to rub your nose in it?

• 25:02Speaker 03

  That's exactly why, because he does a game and I have, I called him out recently on this.

• 25:07Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 25:08Speaker 03

  I got triggered by something he said about my daughter's boyfriend. And I got up and I just said, I feel like I'm in a really hard place here. I'm gonna go, uh, take a little drive and take the recycling back. So he got up and he, um, he said, no, he got all mad. He's very hot-headed and, um, he's like, I'll leave, I'll leave. And I said, listen, I'm gonna leave, I need a few minutes. So I did and I came back and I just, I just called him out on it. I asked him, I said, did you do that because you wanted me to beg you to stay so that, and we're flipping it around and I'm chasing you now? Cause this has been a pattern for many years. And he said, yeah.

• 25:50Speaker 03

  I, so I know he's trying, but, um, I don't know, it's.

• 25:57Speaker 03

  It's tough. I don't get any recognition for things. And I think this, the most recent one is we just took a trip to Florida and um, I don't know, I, I'm forty five. I'm in perimenopause. I've gained some weight. I'm still, I know I still look good, but I was complimenting someone else's proportions and um, I'm like, you know, that she looks good and I wish I had that. And um, I had nothing. So anytime I ever talk about things that are below surface level, which I try not to do very much because he's never responsive, but I'm trying so hard to open up and feel comfortable in that area again. And he said

• 26:42Speaker 03

  nothing. So I asked him about it this morning and he's like, I just didn't know what to say.

• 26:49Dr. John Delony?

  But, but as a, as a guy who's married to a woman in perimenopause?

• 26:55Speaker 03

  I'm sure.

• 26:56Dr. John Delony?

  Uh, you get what I'm saying? Like, um, here's, here's a couple of things. Number one, I trust you that he's a jerk to you.

• 27:06Speaker 03

  Yeah, thanks.

• 27:07Dr. John Delony?

  Um, and I also want to challenge you, like, mind reading is not real. And you telling him, hey, when I say this, I, I want you to say this. That doesn't make it any less sexy. That doesn't make it any less loving. It gives him a clear path for how he can love you.

• 27:31Speaker 03

  I have done that many times.

• 27:33Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. And if he chooses not to take that path.

• 27:37Speaker 03

  Right.

• 27:38Dr. John Delony?

  Then you can tell him, hey, the story I'm choosing to make up is, I gave you a path and you don't want to take it because you want to hurt me. And that makes me feel small and it makes me feel sad.

• 27:51Dr. John Delony?

  But you instantly make up a story as to why he didn't do what, right? What you think you were very clear in telling him?

• 27:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 27:58Dr. John Delony?

  By the way, Stan Tacton is one of the godfathers of relational research. And he says, two things are true. Um, people think they're great communicators and most people are terrible communicators. And it's like, oh, that's, that's helpful, right? And so if I know going in, I think I'm being, here's a good example. I was in a, um, I'm in the final edits of a book I'm writing. And the, the guy who's over publishing, it was pretty funny. He had, he had a big paragraph and he had highlighted a big chunk of it. And he said, I know that you know, you think you were clear here. You were very not. And I was like, what are you talking about? The, the pathological socialization of young boys is super clear.

• 28:43Dr. John Delony?

  And he started laughing, he goes, not to me, it's not. All right. So it, it, it all to say is if I know I'm, um, think I'm being a good communicator, but I'm probably struggling with it, then it's going to give me some compassion and I'm not going to be afraid to go again, right? Over and over again. All that to say is, um, here's what I'm hearing, and I'm trying to say this as compassion as I can. I want to be on your side here, okay? Cause you, you, you, you came in.

• 29:11Speaker 03

  Rip the bandaid off.

• 29:14Dr. John Delony?

  I feel like you're chasing a feeling that should come from the inside out. And you are desperately wanting it to come from the outside in.

• 29:28Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 29:29Dr. John Delony?

  And every time, I, I, I bet he's not the only relationship where you've got challenges. Is that fair? Or tell me I'm wrong.

• 29:37Speaker 03

  Uh, you're wrong.

• 29:39Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. He's the only one?

• 29:42Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 29:42Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So for whatever reason, it's, it's gotten sideways. The, the fact that you used to like him to see you naked and now you don't? I would listen to your body and ask, do I not feel safe with him anymore?

• 30:00Dr. John Delony?

  Does he not say the things I wish he said?

• 30:04Dr. John Delony?

  Or is, am I suddenly feeling less than because I'm in perimenopause and I've gained some weight and I know I still look good, but now the, the old stories are starting to spin up in my head again?

• 30:17Dr. John Delony?

  It's like, get, ask yourself, when you feel insecure about him seeing you, what's your body trying to protect you from in that moment?

• 30:26Speaker 03

  Right. I did write down how it makes me feel.

• 30:32Dr. John Delony?

  But let's get past, let's get past the feeling for, just for a second. That's important data, but I want you to, this is a more clinical question.

• 30:40Dr. John Delony?

  Or a more fact finding question. What is your body trying to protect you from? Like, the feeling is your body's attempt to protect you. What is that feeling protecting you from?

• 30:54Speaker 03

  I'm afraid it's from getting hurt because I definitely know I've thrown up other walls with him lately too. And I have told him that.

• 31:04Dr. John Delony?

  And, and what is the hurt you're afraid of experiencing?

• 31:13Speaker 03

  I'm not really sure. I mean, it's tough because I've been left before, so I don't even think it's that. I think it might just be, he has a little bit of a porn problem, which we've discussed. And I thought maybe that has something to do with it, which it might.

• 31:33Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 31:34Speaker 03

  Um, there's a lot.

• 31:38Speaker 03

  So that's the part I've been, I've been spending a lot of time trying to figure this out.

• 31:43Dr. John Delony?

  But, but he's got pornography problem, which may, and this is always shocking to wives, may or may not be about you at all.

• 31:53Speaker 03

  I don't think it's about me. He has a lot of other addictions too.

• 31:56Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So it could be that your body is saying, hey, this guy's not safe for 500 different reasons.

• 32:04Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 32:05Dr. John Delony?

  It could be, I am letting stories creep into my mind that I don't like.

• 32:13Dr. John Delony?

  And by the way, pornography like devastates relationships. I hear it all the time. Okay?

• 32:19Speaker 03

  It does.

• 32:19Dr. John Delony?

  I know that.

• 32:22Dr. John Delony?

  But own the stories about the pornography that you're telling yourself.

• 32:29Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying?

• 32:31Speaker 03

  I think so. I tried to read Dopamine Nation, but I definitely got triggered and then I got mad and decided I'm done trying to

• 32:39Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, hold on, hold on.

• 32:40Speaker 03

  Fine, doubt about him.

• 32:41Dr. John Delony?

  But hold on, but you're finding out about yourself. A trigger is a doorway.

• 32:47Dr. John Delony?

  It's not something to be avoided.

• 32:50Dr. John Delony?

  A trigger just says your body is overwhelmed with something. And it's a path to healing.

• 33:00Dr. John Delony?

  Very few of us can go deal with quote unquote, "triggers" on our own. We gotta go see a counselor. We gotta go talk to a professional, myself included. But if you keep avoiding triggers, here's the damning part about that. Your body gets what it wants, which is to avoid that thing and it reinforces the trigger and makes it more volatile and louder.

• 33:23Dr. John Delony?

  And so if I feel triggered when somebody says something that's offensive,

• 33:28Dr. John Delony?

  the work is A,

• 33:32Dr. John Delony?

  what is it about that person's words that just sent my body into a total panic and felt like I need to protect myself? I don't want to give that guy that kind of power over my body.

• 33:45Dr. John Delony?

  And then B, maybe I don't want to hang out with that guy anymore.

• 33:50Dr. John Delony?

  My rule of thumb for folks that I work with and for myself is I get two triggers.

• 33:56Dr. John Delony?

  I get to be triggered twice on a thing. The first one catches me way off guard. The second one confirms it. And then I'm gonna go on an exploration.

• 34:05Dr. John Delony?

  What is it about this thing? That quote unquote is triggering me? Otherwise, your world will get smaller and smaller and smaller because your body will think it's keeping you safer and safer and safer. You get what, is what I'm saying makes sense?

• 34:19Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah. Yeah, 100%.

• 34:22Dr. John Delony?

  And so when I have something that triggers me, I literally write it down. And of course, I got 10 years ahead of you on this deal, but I'm like, alright, game on.

• 34:32Dr. John Delony?

  What is so scary about that thing that my body just reacted as though somebody ran through the front door with a hatchet coming right at me?

• 34:41Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 34:42Dr. John Delony?

  It triggers a doorway.

• 34:48Speaker 03

  Okay, so I'll probably have to go talk to somebody since I can't seem to figure it out myself.

• 34:53Dr. John Delony?

  I, I, it's exactly what I do.

• 34:57Dr. John Delony?

  But, but here's the thing. When I go talk to somebody, I say, "My body responds to this thing as though it's a life or death emergency. I need a neutral third party on here and I need a path through it. I'm not gonna go spend five sessions talking about the trigger over and over and over and over again."

• 35:20Dr. John Delony?

  Get what I'm saying?

• 35:22Speaker 03

  I do. That's a tall order.

• 35:24Dr. John Delony?

  It is.

• 35:25Speaker 03

  There's lacking of good therapists around here, so...

• 35:28Dr. John Delony?

  I totally get that. Totally get that.

• 35:32Dr. John Delony?

  And I'll, I'll connect you with my friends at BetterHelp for three months for free and that'll be on us and we'll get you hooked up here. Here, the bigger picture is, I can't, I can't peel it all apart. It sounds like y'all just are in this big mess and he may be a total scumbag jerk. He may be up in arms. It may be a mixture of both. Your body may be 100% right. This guy's struggling with addictions of all kinds. This guy is a gaslighter. This guy is narcissistic. This guy is an ass. Like, I'm not safe here. And in your most vulnerable moment, standing before somebody with no clothes on, your body is sounding every alarm you got.

• 36:15Dr. John Delony?

  Or it might be the stories are getting so loud about, "I'm not, my body's not what it used to be. He's probably gonna leave me like the other guys did. When I was 12, somebody told me I looked, didn't look good in this shirt." Like, who knows the, the combination?

• 36:31Dr. John Delony?

  But if your body gets triggered at the thought or the experience of doing anything, in your case, standing in front of your husband naked.

• 36:43Dr. John Delony?

  That's a path for exploration. What is it about this situation that my body shuts down? What is it about this situation that my body says, "Run, get out of here now"? A homework assignment for you would be to write out three or four of your triggers. Three or four things that when somebody says it, when he does it, your body's like, "I gotta get out of here." And take those things, you can use, my friends at BetterHelp, you can go find a counselor in your local area and say, "My body responds and shut down, fight or flight, when these things happen, and I want to explore why." Because I want to be able to stand firm in my own skin. That doesn't mean he ever has to see you naked again.

• 37:25Dr. John Delony?

  Doesn't mean he can ever talk negatively about you or your daughter again. But I want to be rooted in my own skin, in my own body, so that my body doesn't take off and try to fight for me.

• 37:38Dr. John Delony?

  And I don't know why. Thank you so much for the call, sister. I'm glad you called. Hang on the line here, we'll get you hooked up. When we come back, a woman asks how to talk to her daughter and explain why she can't attend sleepovers. When a family loses someone they depend on, the weight they carry is not only the grief of the loss, it's also the pressure of bills, the mortgage, groceries, putting gas in the car, the weight of the big decisions as the world outside keeps on spinning. And I know thinking about scary things like, "Who's gonna take care of your family if something ever happened to you?" is not fun. But there's 100% chance that you're gonna die someday. So you've got to plan for it. And that's what term life insurance is.

• 38:21Dr. John Delony?

  It's a clear plan for taking care of those who depend on you if the worst thing ever happens. I trust Zander Insurance. Xander makes buying term life simple. And because they're an independent broker, they work for you, not the insurance companies. They shop across top companies to find the right policy at a price that fits your life. By the way, I recommend getting coverage that's 10 to 12 times your income, so if something happens to you, your family can have peace. Term life insurance is a way of saying, "I love you," when you can no longer say it yourself. Go to xander.com or call 1-800-356-4282 to get term life insurance the right way. That's Xander with a Z, xander.com.

• 39:06Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go to Boise, Idaho and talk to Kay. Hey Kay, what's up?

• 39:11Speaker 04

  Hi, how are you?

• 39:13Dr. John Delony?

  I'm doing all right. Running a scam called a podcast. It's awesome. What are you doing?

• 39:18Speaker 04

  It's a great podcast. I am waiting to be on your podcast, I guess.

• 39:22Dr. John Delony?

  Heyo, you're here. That's awesome. Glad you're here. What's up?

• 39:25Speaker 04

  Yeah, well, so we just moved to Boise from Nebraska. It's our second cross-country move in like, I don't know, less, I think, six years. So, but in Nebraska, we had a great community, like awesome community, and I, we were homeschooled in Nebraska. And I think that's sort of important. So I knew a lot of the people that she knew. And she went for sleepovers with a few people that I had picked out. And I was like, open to that idea because I knew their parents and knew their environment. But here it's just different.

• 40:01Dr. John Delony?

  Sure.

• 40:01Speaker 04

  They go to a charter school here and a lot, and we're not as plugged into our church yet. And we just haven't found like our people, you know what I mean?

• 40:12Dr. John Delony?

  Yep.

• 40:12Speaker 04

  And so this sleepover situation is different. Well, she has this friend that she goes to school with. And I like her parents. I've met, I've met her mom and her stepmom. And this is just like one situation. She's asked me a few times why she can't do this. But I don't really know these people. And so she's gone to stay late a couple of days. And that's just, she's not having it, right? She just doesn't

• 40:40Dr. John Delony?

  How old is she?

• 40:41Speaker 04

  Get why it, she's 10.

• 40:42Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 40:44Speaker 04

  And so she doesn't get why it's different now than it used to be. And as much as I try and explain that to her, I just, I don't know how I'm not getting through to her. I'm not like angry about it. In her parent, she tells me that her friend's parents even have like the same rule. I have to know her parents for a year before you go over. So what I don't understand is how to explain to her and get her to like really hear me. I just want her to hear my heart. Like, I just want you. I just want to know the situation you're in before I give somebody full access to you without traumatizing her because I don't need to tell her everything that can go wrong in the world. You know what I mean?

• 41:25Dr. John Delony?

  Totally.

• 41:25Speaker 04

  Are sleepovers even a thing that people do anymore?

• 41:28Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, yeah, all the time, all the time.

• 41:30Speaker 04

  Uh, yeah, I don't think they're inherently unsafe. I think

• 41:34Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, I do.

• 41:34Speaker 04

  They can be.

• 41:35Dr. John Delony?

  I do, yeah.

• 41:36Speaker 04

  You think sleepovers are inherently unsafe?

• 41:39Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, some of the craziest nights of my life were sleepovers, yes. Like, and yeah, here's the deal. Um, here's, again, the universe, there's been a series of the last, like, month or two where callers are dealing with something that I deal with in my house. I have a 10-year-old daughter. We literally just had this conversation.

• 42:00Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 42:01Dr. John Delony?

  And so I'm gonna talk to you as a nerd, but also as a guy who's dealing with this same thing.

• 42:08Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 42:08Dr. John Delony?

  I cannot expect my daughter to understand things. She's 10. She's 10. I can't expect her to hear me. She's 10.

• 42:20Dr. John Delony?

  What I can offer her is, I know you're sad, and I know you're disappointed, and I know you have huge feelings about this, and I can handle you being mad at me and not liking me.

• 42:35Dr. John Delony?

  That won't change how much I love you.

• 42:39Speaker 04

  I've actually said that to her.

• 42:40Dr. John Delony?

  That's it.

• 42:41Speaker 04

  And she gets angrier.

• 42:42Dr. John Delony?

  Good. Like, she's 10. She's 10.

• 42:48Dr. John Delony?

  Uh, she, and she's getting angry because she's not getting her way. She's getting angry because she's trying to make connections in a new place. She's a raw, exposed, untethered 10-year-old. And I say untethered, she's tethered to you guys, but she's untethered to friend community.

• 43:03Speaker 04

  Right.

• 43:04Dr. John Delony?

  She wants to fit in, she wants to be like everybody else. That's, every bit of that is normal. And it's a parent's job to keep her, keep them safe. And parents get to decide what is safe for them.

• 43:15Speaker 04

  Right.

• 43:16Dr. John Delony?

  And so you're, you're playing a, uh, my daughter went to a, um, a public school. We moved her to a new school. We moved houses. We moved about 45 minutes away. We're in the same city, but 45 minutes away from the, from the old house. And the school situation she's in now is unbelievable how awesome it is.

• 43:39Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 43:39Dr. John Delony?

  And for the first 18 months, all she talked about was, I can't wait till I move out so I can go back.

• 43:46Dr. John Delony?

  And I know objectively, in no way was that correct.

• 43:51Dr. John Delony?

  But that was her feelings.

• 43:54Dr. John Delony?

  And so I was able to say, yeah, man, when you're 18, you're, you're able to do a lot of stuff.

• 44:01Dr. John Delony?

  And now she would set the house on fire if I took her out of the school she's in now. Right? And so part of, part of being a parent is just weathering these storms. It's uncomfortable and stinks. But letting your kid know, I still love you and have to like you. And I'm going to keep doing my job, which is to keep you safe. And, and by the way, it's going to happen next year when everybody gets a phone and she doesn't have one.

• 44:23Speaker 04

  Right.

• 44:23Dr. John Delony?

  It's going to happen the year after that, when everybody starts dating and at 14 and you say no. And I'm just making stuff up here, right? But this is going to be forever.

• 44:32Speaker 04

  You're not making stuff up.

• 44:33Dr. John Delony?

  Right. It's going to be forever. And so teaching her now, I can weather you not liking me. I can weather your angry. Totally get that you're angry. Of course you want to go spend the night with your friends. It's awesome.

• 44:46Speaker 04

  I, I want to, I want her to have fun. And that's what I keep telling her. Uh, I'll let you can go and I'll pick you up at 10:30.

• 44:53Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, perfect.

• 44:53Speaker 04

  Like I'll pick you up at 10:30, 11 o'clock. Like go spend all day with your friends. That's plenty. Sleep in your own bed.

• 44:59Dr. John Delony?

  Yep. And, and be confident in your answer.

• 45:04Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 45:04Dr. John Delony?

  And, and I'll say it this way, and I don't think you are, but I'll just say it for everybody listening. Don't outsource your sense of relationship or self-worth on whether a 10-year-old likes you or not.

• 45:16Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 45:17Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 45:17Speaker 04

  Oh my gosh.

• 45:20Dr. John Delony?

  You're a good mom. You're setting boundaries for your kid. You're a good mom. You're keeping your kids safe. And for whatever it's worth, I am pathological about sleepovers.

• 45:32Speaker 04

  I am too, actually.

• 45:34Dr. John Delony?

  It's all good.

• 45:35Speaker 04

  Like, I, I am.

• 45:36Dr. John Delony?

  And here's the thing. Here's the thing you, you can tell your, your daughter at 10, and I don't think this is too much.

• 45:45Dr. John Delony?

  You can say, "I trust your friend, and I trust your friend's parents.

• 45:51Dr. John Delony?

  But I don't know what friend her brother or her sister's gonna bring over.

• 45:59Dr. John Delony?

  I don't know what might, you might actually see, accidentally see on TV.

• 46:03Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 46:04Dr. John Delony?

  And that's my job. And she's 10, she's gonna be like, "It's nothing. It will never..." I, I, I hear that. I know it's disappointing.

• 46:13Dr. John Delony?

  But this just is. And then she gets to weather it. And in the morning, you're down there with eggs and pancakes. "Good morning."

• 46:21Dr. John Delony?

  And we're back at it. And 10-year-olds can say awful, wild things.

• 46:26Speaker 04

  Oh, they can.

• 46:27Dr. John Delony?

  And then it's my job as a parent to show up the next morning, having wiped the slate clean. If my wife says awful, mean things to me and then goes to bed the next morning, we're gonna talk about it. 10-year-old, I'm mostly gonna wipe the slate clean. They're 10.

• 46:40Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 46:41Dr. John Delony?

  And they're gonna find out, "You, you, you can't, you can hurt my feelings. You can. But I get to choose how I respond." And by the way, it doesn't mean that your kid has, gets to run roughshod and say mean things.

• 46:55Speaker 04

  Right.

• 46:56Dr. John Delony?

  And there are times when I've told both my kids,

• 47:00Dr. John Delony?

  "You're allowed to be angry. You're allowed to be really upset with me. You can't say that. That's disrespectful. And we are respectful even if we're angry."

• 47:10Speaker 04

  Right.

• 47:10Dr. John Delony?

  And if you choose to say that, then you're making this choice about consequences.

• 47:20Speaker 04

  I wish parenting was easier.

• 47:21Dr. John Delony?

  It's not. It's the worst. It's the worst thing. It's the best worst thing ever.

• 47:25Speaker 04

  It is the best and is so hard.

• 47:27Dr. John Delony?

  It's hard. Yeah. But, but being liked is not the measure of a good parent.

• 47:34Speaker 04

  That's true.

• 47:36Dr. John Delony?

  Being sturdy, as, as Becky Kennedy says, is the measure. Can I stand firm?

• 47:43Dr. John Delony?

  And let you know, despite your big feelings, I'm always gonna be right here. And I'm gonna do my one job and that's to keep you safe.

• 47:51Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 47:51Dr. John Delony?

  And you're not gonna agree with me and I'm completely okay with that. Totally okay with that.

• 47:58Speaker 04

  Because I know I'm making the right choice.

• 48:00Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. And if I'm not making the right choice, I'll say I'm sorry.

• 48:03Speaker 04

  That's true.

• 48:03Dr. John Delony?

  We'll shake it off. We'll move on. I'm not afraid to say I'm sorry either. I say it to my kids all the time.

• 48:12Dr. John Delony?

  Mess that one up.

• 48:17Dr. John Delony?

  It is hard, though.

• 48:19Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 48:20Dr. John Delony?

  Is your husband with you on this?

• 48:23Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah. We, we were on the same page. I just, I was hoping for more language because I just, I don't think I have it at the moment.

• 48:33Dr. John Delony?

  I think you do.

• 48:36Dr. John Delony?

  I think it's, I think it's weathering the, the emotional hurricane that is a 10-year-old.

• 48:44Dr. John Delony?

  You know? Is she your oldest?

• 48:46Speaker 04

  No, she's my youngest.

• 48:47Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, your youngest.

• 48:48Speaker 04

  The oldest, they sort of understand.

• 48:51Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 48:51Speaker 04

  And they sort of accept it. It's just her. She's just having the hardest time.

• 48:56Dr. John Delony?

  How old are your older kids?

• 48:58Speaker 04

  Seventeen and 12.

• 49:00Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so this is especially hard and I'm going through this. I have a 16-year-old and a 10-year-old. I got a 10-year-old who's watching her brother drive. He can go wherever he wants. He's driving himself to school stuff. He's going, driving himself to games. And she feels trapped.

• 49:17Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 49:18Dr. John Delony?

  And a 10-year-old is gonna say the words, "It's not fair," over and over. And, because it's not.

• 49:24Speaker 04

  Yeah. I think trapped is a good word.

• 49:26Dr. John Delony?

  And if a parent says, "Life's not fair," then the parent should punch himself in the eyeball for saying that, right? But we all say it. But like, like...

• 49:36Dr. John Delony?

  The only way I've seen every kid is different. The way I have seen things, the extra burden of energy that has fallen on me that I didn't anticipate is a sense of, I grew up in a house where my dad would say, I said no because I said it.

• 49:55Speaker 04

  Right.

• 49:56Dr. John Delony?

  Right? I want her to say, and he did his best to explain it, but there was a sense of, I'm the dad, I kind of get to do what I want here.

• 50:03Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm.

• 50:05Dr. John Delony?

  I want my daughter to know, here's why I'm making this decision, and I don't expect you to understand it, and it's okay if you're mad at me, and I'll still be here, and here's the extra energy expenditure. Can I put my stupid phone down or forego the episode I wanted to watch and we go do something?

• 50:23Dr. John Delony?

  Can I invite those friends over to my house and just let them have a wild time?

• 50:30Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 50:31Dr. John Delony?

  Can I turn all the lights off and get flashlights and play hide and seek with mom and dad? You know what I mean? Like, can I get involved in this thing and backfill some of that sense of, I'm just stuck here by myself?

• 50:43Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 50:44Dr. John Delony?

  We're not, my 16-year-old, I'll never be as cool as his friends. I get that. 10-year-old, I still think you're cool.

• 50:52Speaker 04

  She does.

• 50:53Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 50:54Speaker 04

  Most of the time, unless I'm telling her no.

• 50:56Dr. John Delony?

  There you go. That's right. That's right. And that's the job. That's the job, that's the job, that's the job. And I'll tell you, it sounds like you and your husband are doing really great work. It's awesome. And it's hard.

• 51:15Dr. John Delony?

  Youngest kids are often scrambling for ownership of something.

• 51:20Dr. John Delony?

  And so, maybe there's some opportunities for you to say, this is off the table. Do you want to go with me to a movie? Or do you want to go with me to get ice cream? You get to pick. Neither. Okay. I'd love to go get ice cream with you or go to a movie with you. I'm gonna be downstairs, you come tell me. Because I'd love to do it.

• 51:40Dr. John Delony?

  And then the next day, if your daughter says no, be like, man, I wanted to go to a movie and get ice cream with you.

• 51:49Dr. John Delony?

  Eventually they'll say, movie? And then we're gonna go have a movie. And we're either gonna pay $108 for a box of Milk Duds, or we're gonna go to the gas station and sneak 'em in. But we're, we're, I'm gonna give opportunities for ownership on little things for a 10-year-old. So they can begin to feel the ground underneath their feet. I've got some little bits of autonomy in my life. But you and your husband, it's like you're doing a great job. Not a fan of sleepovers.

• 52:19Dr. John Delony?

  My wife and I are pathological about the few, if any, that we allow. And pretty militant about it. Just the risk and reward isn't worth it, especially when you feel safe enough to let your kids stay till 10, or like, dude, come home and get some sleep. It's, it's all good. It's all good. Thanks for the call, sister. We'll be right back.

• 52:42Dr. John Delony?

  This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Listen, millions of people are experiencing mental and emotional distress right now. I'm talking about our friends, our neighbors, I'm talking about you, I'm talking about me. We're communicating with everyone all over the place with our phones, with our laptops, but we're not connecting with anyone. We're more anxious, lonely, and overwhelmed than ever. Listen, talking to someone can help. I have seen a therapist, and having a good therapist makes a huge difference. My wife has seen a therapist, my friends and family, I recommend that they see a therapist. It's important when you need someone to talk to. And for you, this is where BetterHelp comes in. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that matches you with a licensed therapist

• 53:26Dr. John Delony?

  based on your goals and preferences. Their therapists are fully licensed in the United States, and they follow a strict code of conduct. You can message your therapist and schedule sessions right in the platform. If it's not the right fit, you can switch anytime at no additional cost. You're worth it. Talk to someone. Go to betterhelp.com/deloney to get 10% off. That's betterhelp, H E L P, dot com slash deloney.

• 53:53Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we're back. All right, Kelly, listen, this is awesome. Okay, so I cannot, I can't stop watching chiropractic videos on Instagram. That's basically the only reason I turn it on anymore is it's

• 54:09Speaker 02

  Why? Why?

• 54:10Dr. John Delony?

  I don't know. I, A, I have a love affair with the chiropractor's office. And I go probably twice a year. I used to go all the time. I go about twice a year when I get all bunched up and they just are like, so what's going? And it's the best. It's the best. And but on Instagram, they have, they put these microphones on their necks and on their backs. And they've, I'm sure they juice the sound like crazy. But anyway,

• 54:38Dr. John Delony?

  just a minute ago, um, I was, had the video on and somebody walked behind me and all they could hear was

• 54:46Speaker 02

  Somebody being our sweet Emily down here.

• 54:48Dr. John Delony?

  I didn't want to throw her under the bus, but

• 54:50Speaker 02

  No, that's not her under the bus. You're under the bus.

• 54:52Dr. John Delony?

  But from behind, from like, she was standing behind me and I'm just watching this video and all, all the, the audio is, ooh, lean in, get close. Yeah, just like that. Okay. And then she's like, that's it.

• 55:10Dr. John Delony?

  And Emily was like, not gonna say anything. Not, I just happened to be like, I love these chiropractor videos. And she was like, oh, thank God.

• 55:19Dr. John Delony?

  So good, dude. I love them. I love them.

• 55:22Speaker 02

  I think on that note, we just end the show.

• 55:24Dr. John Delony?

  Everybody, A, get off social media unless you're following me, only me. And if you're on, just put in some chiropractic videos. It'll make your whole life better. Love you guys. Bye.