Our Marriage Was Better When I Was Drunk

🔥 Microhabits for a Better Marriage. Download the Together app. On today’s episode, we hear about: A man realizing he has nothing in common with his wife A husband whose wife is tired of sex A mom trying not to crush her daughter’s dream Next Steps: Enter the Ramsey May Cash Giveaway! $500 weekly prizes and a $10,000 Grand Prize. Daily entries increase chances of winning. ❤️ Get away with your spouse today! 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Working knives for working people—Go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Head to Shady Rays and use code DELONY for 40% off two or more polarized sunglasses. Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Dr. John Delony?

  This is an ad for BetterHelp. If you've ever said, "I'm not in a crisis. I don't need therapy." I want you to reconsider. The time to take care of your mental health is before things fall apart. Talking to someone can help. Get started at betterhelp.com/deloney and save 10%.

• 0:22Speaker 01

  I've been sober almost three years. The person that I am now probably would have never been friends or even been involved in this relationship at all. And I feel like I'm kind of now living a life that somebody else created. We're just very disinterested in each other.

• 0:36Dr. John Delony?

  If you want out of this relationship, I want you to own that.

• 0:46Dr. John Delony?

  What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking your calls from Nashville, Tennessee. I'm in Nashville. You're not. Well, maybe you are. I don't know where you are. But however you ended up here, I'm glad you're here, sitting with hurting people, trying to figure out what's the next right move in their relationships with their mental and emotional health, with their kids, whatever they've got going on in your life. If you want to be on this show, I would love to have you. Click the link in the show notes and we will get you on. Let's go out to Atlanta, Georgia and talk to Tyler. Hey Tyler, what's up?

• 1:18Speaker 01

  Hey, hey, John. My question is, how do I navigate my marriage after becoming or getting sober and realizing that my wife and I don't really have any sort of friendship or anything in common since I've become sober?

• 1:33Dr. John Delony?

  How long have you been sober?

• 1:35Speaker 01

  I've been sober almost three years.

• 1:37Dr. John Delony?

  Dude, congratulations, man.

• 1:38Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 1:39Dr. John Delony?

  That's awesome. So how long have you been married?

• 1:43Speaker 01

  I've been married since 2020. So we've been married almost six years.

• 1:47Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Is your wife sober too?

• 1:51Speaker 01

  She is, yes.

• 1:56Dr. John Delony?

  So, tell me about, we don't have anything in common. I get that we're not friends anymore, and that that happens a lot in marriages, especially when people are changing and growing, and when life gets bananas. Do you all have kids?

• 2:09Speaker 01

  We have a two-year-old son.

• 2:12Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so, very common, like, we become co-managers of our house, and we're not friends anymore. But tell me about this fear you have, that you all have nothing in common.

• 2:22Speaker 01

  Just meaning values and interests of, you know, things that she likes to do versus things I like to do, or things that I'm passionate about, or things that she's passionate about.

• 2:32Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 2:33Speaker 01

  It just seems as though, I know people are different, and you're not gonna share everything all the time, but it's like, if I look back now, the person that I am now probably would have never been friends, or even been involved in this relationship at all. And I feel like I'm kind of now living a life that somebody else created, some of these other decisions, and I'm just, just we don't, don't get along. It's not, nothing, no animosity or anything between us, we're just very disinterested in each other, and our relationship is the way it kind of feels.

• 3:05Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So, a couple of things, okay? First thing is, I have high hopes for your relationship. Everything you just said to me is, is something I hear on a regular basis, okay? So I don't want you to think you're somehow broken, or whatever. If you want out of this relationship, I want you to own that.

• 3:28Speaker 01

  Right.

• 3:30Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? What I don't want you to do is to sit here, and to blame former you. I want you to own where you are now, and say, "I get to choose what happens next, and I hope that she'll choose it with me." Okay? My wife and I have almost zero common interests, when it comes to hobbies, things we're passionate about, almost zero.

• 3:58Dr. John Delony?

  What keeps us excited about getting to know each other regularly is I am passionate about how passionate she is about things, not about the things she's passionate about. You get what I'm saying?

• 4:08Speaker 01

  Sure, yeah.

• 4:09Dr. John Delony?

  And I've had to do the terrifying scary work of not trying to make her carry all of the weight of passion and feelings and I'm into something, so you need to be into something, right? You get what I'm saying?

• 4:27Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 4:28Dr. John Delony?

  That also is me and I've had to really grieve, I would like nothing more than for my wife to be on the front row every time I'm speaking at a live event or doing a comedy show or something. That's not who she is and it makes me sad, it really does. And she does show up to things that matter to me, she will. And, but not on a regular basis, it's not her thing. But she's really excited about how excited I am about things and that's a choice.

• 4:51Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 4:52Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying?

• 4:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:54Dr. John Delony?

  And so what I don't want you to do is to start trying to retroactively live your life like I never would have made these, that's wasted energy on, that's helps you avoid, oh, I get to create what happens next.

• 5:07Speaker 01

  So it's almost like a, you know, call it what it is, if you don't want it, then just say that's what it is. Don't try to blame this other version of you would have done differently. It's like, if you don't want it, then don't, but that's the decision, it's not the, it's not possible because of, you know, what you used or you should have done, kind of thing.

• 5:25Dr. John Delony?

  Correct.

• 5:26Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 5:27Dr. John Delony?

  And I'll say this boldly, both of y'all can sit at a table and say, let's choose friendship, let's choose to like each other, let's choose to see each other and to really get to re-know each other, because we're different people, we have a different marriage. And by the way, a lot of this, I'm guessing, comes from you have a two-year-old in the house. Your whole marriage is different now, your sex life is different, your finances are different, what you all think is important is different. And so, all friendships have a constantly evolving, oh, you're into this now too, that's kind of cool, or that's dumb, but we're still gonna go get nachos together and hang out. It is putting that level of intentionality on this. It's not being led around by feelings.

• 6:08Dr. John Delony?

  Led around by feelings is what you got you in your mess in the first place with, right? Not being sober. So it is saying, I'm gonna intentionally go after this. Here's a weird question for you, when's the last time? Singularly or over time that you intentionally did a thing or things for her.

• 6:35Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm not talking about laundry. I'm not, I'm talking about she rolled over and her coffee, just the way she likes it, was sitting right there on her nightstand.

• 6:46Speaker 01

  Uh, probably years, years.

• 6:48Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. And to be fair, when's the last time the two-year-old went down and she came down and gave you that look like she used to give you back before y'all had kids? And she's like, oh, this is-

• 7:00Speaker 01

  Probably, yeah, probably the same time.

• 7:02Dr. John Delony?

  Is this happening, right? And so often these things get really big and existential. I've made a big mistake. I, this marriage is over.

• 7:11Dr. John Delony?

  And really the path back becomes, starts very small. I'm gonna do things because this is my wife. I'm gonna do things as the mother of my child. And I'm gonna begin acting in ways so that I can show up in this marriage how I want to show up. And I'm gonna be open and honest with her about what I want. And hopefully we can, we can build this thing back and make it stronger, more awesome than it was.

• 7:36Speaker 01

  That makes sense.

• 7:37Dr. John Delony?

  But, but if you, if you don't like her and you're choosing to not do the things that would allow you to be in love with her, um, then own that.

• 7:48Speaker 01

  Right.

• 7:49Dr. John Delony?

  Does that make sense?

• 7:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's to, yeah, don't want to make a decision blaming somebody else. It's my decision. I can make it work if I want to. If you don't, then don't. But don't try to blame somebody else for that.

• 8:00Dr. John Delony?

  Well, and, and let me say this. You can't make the marriage work by yourself.

• 8:05Speaker 01

  Sure, sure, yeah.

• 8:06Dr. John Delony?

  But you can become the best version of you so that you can go inside this little exclusive club that y'all have created with a membership of two and be the best version of yourself and give that thing a shot.

• 8:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, that makes sense.

• 8:21Dr. John Delony?

  So, tell me what you want that you're not, that she's not showing up for you? Or places where she's not showing up?

• 8:29Speaker 01

  I would, I'd probably just the, I guess, the thing everybody wants, just the appreciative of everything that you do, the acting like they want to be, she wants to be your friend, you know, acting like the things that you do do matter, or that, you know, just the the general niceties, I guess, of being appreciated, I think.

• 8:48Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, it's basic kindness, right?

• 8:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:51Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 8:53Speaker 01

  Which, to be fair, I probably haven't been as kind, you know, to her. I think we both probably do the same thing, and it's that thing that, you know, one person isn't filled, and it's hard to fill the other person, and then you just kind of self-destruct on each other, because neither one of you is getting what you, either one of you feel like you need. So, it's just kind of hard to figure out how do you get out of that when both of you feel empty?

• 9:14Dr. John Delony?

  And the word you've used over and over, and it's not a bad thing, it's just, it's, I want to call attention to it, is feel, feel, feel. And what I want, what I want more adults to do in our culture, and in our homes, and for each other, is to feel something really big, and then go do the next right thing. That's emotional regulation. I feel like hitting you, and I'm not. I feel like you're not being, celebrating me as much as I want to be celebrated. I'm gonna go make you a cup of coffee, just for you.

• 9:54Dr. John Delony?

  I don't feel like you've noticed me a lot. I'm gonna make sure I leave a note on your bed, on your pillow, before I leave for work, so that you know that I notice how hard you're working. You get what I'm saying?

• 10:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 10:07Dr. John Delony?

  Where I've seen, somebody said this, "Consider this. The marriage y'all had is over. It's over." And that's not a bad thing. You'll, hopefully, if you do marriage right, you'll have 15 or 20 new marriages over the course of your lifetime. The question is, do y'all want to build a new one? And if you do, I'll, I think I've said this on the show, I've never, I'll never forget this moment, when I sat across from the table, my wife and I were deciding, all right, we're calling it. We don't like each other, we're not friends.

• 10:39Dr. John Delony?

  And one of us said, I think it was her that said, well, we built a crappy marriage. I guess we could build an awesome one.

• 10:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:46Dr. John Delony?

  And then it was like, okay, well, it must be true. And like you said, like, I need you to say you're proud of me. I need you to say thank you. Well, I need you to show up here. I need you to put your stupid phone down. I need you just to be kind, right? It becomes these very basic, low level, human, just interaction things that you and I both would give to strangers, would give to people in AA meetings, we'd give the grocery store clerk. But for some reason, we stopped doing it for our spouse.

• 11:11Speaker 01

  So would it be fair or a good decision then to straight up have that conversation? Hey, listen, what we, what we've had is dead. And if we want something, we're gonna have to start building something new. Is that a fair?

• 11:23Dr. John Delony?

  I wouldn't use, I wouldn't use the word dead. But I don't know another path forward than what you just said.

• 11:30Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 11:32Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, I can walk you through how I've seen it be done, done successfully, both in my house and in countless other homes.

• 11:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, I think we're, we're at that point where it's like, we have to have that conversation of we have to do something now.

• 11:46Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 11:46Speaker 01

  Um, so I just, what, what, what I wanna, but I wanna make sure I handle it with grace and, and care. I don't wanna.

• 11:53Dr. John Delony?

  Does she feel that urgency or is it building on your end?

• 11:57Speaker 01

  Just her, her personality type is very low key.

• 12:00Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 12:00Speaker 01

  And so I don't, I don't know how much she feels. She's just kind of very go with the flow. And so I, I don't know if it's building to the same level. Probably not. It's, it's probably a little bit stronger with me.

• 12:10Dr. John Delony?

  I think somebody has to sit down, and you've heard me say this on the show, stop the music and turn the lights on. The dance has to stop. I'm not gonna be nice to her because she's never nice to me. Well, I'm just gonna keep going with the flow and being low key because he criticizes everything I do and I don't do anything right enough for him. I'm trying to keep his kid alive and whatever. And you just get in that dance, right?

• 12:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:29Dr. John Delony?

  And so somebody has to stop the dance and look at each other. And I'll put the onus on you because you called.

• 12:37Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 12:38Dr. John Delony?

  Like, you're my wife and I love you. And we have a two-year-old now. I'm sober now. The marriage we had is over. It doesn't exist anymore. We're different people.

• 12:51Dr. John Delony?

  And I miss you as my friend. And you're never gonna be into the things I'm into. I'm never gonna be into the things you're into, and that's awesome. But I want us to be friends. What are three or four things I can do to love you well today? I don't know, I don't know. I'm gonna start picking stuff. So tell me, right? And I wanna give you a few things that I want, things that you can love me well on. And you may have heard me give this framework. It originally comes from Terry Real. I've expanded a little bit, but look at her and say, I've made up some stories about you. I've made up stories like you don't care, you don't see me, you don't celebrate me, you don't even know who I am anymore.

• 13:33Dr. John Delony?

  I've made up stories that all you care about as a kid, all you care about is your hobbies or whatever. All you care about is your phone. And based on those stories I've made up about you, I feel small. I feel less than. I feel like you don't care about me. And when you say it like that, you're inviting her in to challenge those stories and say, like, man, are these stories wrong or are they right? What stories have you made up about me? And when you start saying it that way, you see what I'm saying? Like, that's different than like, our marriage is dead, you've been... If that happens, we're at World War III. This is an invitation. And if y'all get to the end of that conversation, you realize, and she says, I'm not interested

• 14:17Dr. John Delony?

  in being married anymore, then y'all can have that conversation. But man, I've got high, high hopes for you guys. If y'all can sit down and say, I'm gonna be all in on this deal. Can you give me a path? I wanna see you, and I wanna know you, and I wanna celebrate you, and man, I want you to get to know me again, and I want you to celebrate me again, and we'll challenge each other when necessary.

• 14:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's incredibly helpful.

• 14:40Dr. John Delony?

  Does that make sense?

• 14:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, it does. Yeah, for sure.

• 14:44Dr. John Delony?

  This is a, this is a big existential question. Do you wanna be married?

• 14:50Speaker 01

  I think so.

• 14:51Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. That's okay. That's okay. It's not a, that's not a bad answer. It's an honest answer, and I honor that. It's good.

• 15:01Dr. John Delony?

  What scares you about having this conversation?

• 15:06Speaker 01

  Uh, I think we've done some counseling together before and I don't know if she'll be able to communicate what she's hearing or feeling. I mean, just like any couple, you know, it's always, communication's always the most important part. Um, but I think maybe sometimes I over communicate and I don't get any feedback. And so my, I guess my fear would be I'm just not going to get the honest, the honesty or the, the feedback on it or it'll just be a, a one-sided conversation with tears and she just shakes her head and just agrees with whatever I say without giving any feedback or pushback or anything. And then it's just kind of feels like, well, I just put everything out there and you can't, you can't respond to anything.

• 15:51Dr. John Delony?

  So if you and I are being totally honest, I mean, if you're being totally honest with me, um, are you someone who receives feedback well from her?

• 16:01Speaker 01

  I think so, yeah.

• 16:02Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Are you, are you a safe place for her to respond to is what I'm, is the, the big question?

• 16:09Speaker 01

  I hope to be, and if I'm not, I would, I would like to know that, but as far as I know, I am.

• 16:15Dr. John Delony?

  So I think a beautiful place for you to start is with what you just said about your fears. But own, own that fear. I think I over explain things and I talk a lot and I sound all articulate. And I think I come over you like, like a wave in the ocean. I'm sorry.

• 16:35Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna, I just want to listen. I miss my friend. And I can't keep going in our marriage like this. I don't think you want to keep going in our marriage like this. And so I want to reset the dynamic. And if, if she looks at you and says, today's not a good day, like, that's a lot of information to take in. I need 24 hours. That's how my wife responds, by the way. Like, when I sit down with something big, I now know, she just takes 24, 48 hours to, to circle back.

• 17:02Speaker 01

  Sure. Which is fair, because this has been on my mind for who knows how long. And I've had this conversation that's, that's, she's going to feel blindsided. I understand.

• 17:08Dr. John Delony?

  Sure. And, and

• 17:12Dr. John Delony?

  The more you can use I statements, the better. I've brought this, I think I'm this way, the story I made up about myself is that I'm a lot. And the story I've made up about you is you're just, you don't want to respond to these things, or you can't respond to these things. Take a day, take two days. Write them down and send me the letter, or read me the letter.

• 17:36Dr. John Delony?

  And so being able to communicate to her in a language she can hear and absorb and then give back to you, man, what a blessing that is. I wanted to tell you, I'm proud of you for making the call.

• 17:47Speaker 01

  Thank you, man. Thanks for taking my call. It's been incredibly helpful. I really appreciate it.

• 17:50Dr. John Delony?

  And you're not, not, not crazy. Okay?

• 17:54Speaker 01

  All right. Appreciate it, sir.

• 17:55Dr. John Delony?

  Cool. All right, brother. Let me know how the conversation goes.

• 17:57Speaker 01

  All right. Will do, sir.

• 17:58Dr. John Delony?

  All right, man. Thank you so much. We come back, a man asks how to respond after his wife told him she could go the rest of her life without sex.

• 18:09Dr. John Delony?

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• 19:14Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we gotta talk about something that nobody likes to talk about. We love talking about our relationships and our boundaries and our mental and emotional health. That's why this show exists. But nobody, including me, likes to talk about what's going on in our digital lives. And I'm not just talking about the websites you go to and your bank accounts online and all that stuff. I'm talking about who has your digital life. And it's not just you. Big data brokers buy and steal your information and they sell it to the highest bidder behind your back without your permission. This is why I use and recommend Delete Me. Your phone number, your home address, your family's information, where your kids go

• 19:55Dr. John Delony?

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• 20:38Dr. John Delony?

  That's joindelete.me/deloney. All right, let's go to Raleigh, North Carolina and talk to Jamie. Hey Jamie, what's up?

• 20:47Speaker 01

  Man, I'm just doing this thing called life. How are you doing?

• 20:51Dr. John Delony?

  Same, same. So what's up, dude?

• 20:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, so I just wanted to talk to you really quick about something that's kind of been on my mind recently. Not too long ago, my wife mentioned that she could go the rest of her life, basically, without being sexually intimate. And I was just calling in to see how I should posture myself moving forward, knowing this information.

• 21:21Dr. John Delony?

  What about what she said made you take it personally?

• 21:27Speaker 02

  Um.

• 21:28Dr. John Delony?

  As though you're not good, like you're not good in bed, you're like, you're not good at this thing.

• 21:33Speaker 02

  Well, I don't necessarily think it was that, um, mainly because to my knowledge and what she told me that I've, I'm her only one.

• 21:43Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 21:44Speaker 02

  Um, so it was more or less just like a misunderstanding of how could you not want this? You know, especially with the age that we are.

• 21:56Dr. John Delony?

  How old are you?

• 21:58Speaker 02

  Uh, we are in our mid and late twenties.

• 22:00Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, okay. Um, does she have a history of sexual abuse?

• 22:06Speaker 02

  Um, she did have, uh, some incidents with a, uh, family member when she was younger.

• 22:15Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, those aren't incidents, those are life altering.

• 22:20Speaker 02

  Right, yeah.

• 22:22Dr. John Delony?

  Was she abused by a family member?

• 22:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, it was, uh, yeah.

• 22:27Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, okay. Um, let's honor those for the shapeshifter events that that is. Okay? It's not an incident, it's a, I was going left in my life and not going right.

• 22:45Speaker 02

  Right, yeah.

• 22:46Dr. John Delony?

  Um, do y'all, how, how is your sex life now?

• 22:52Speaker 02

  Well, um, when I originally submitted it, uh, we, we, well, I kinda took it upon myself to get your Together app. Um, and have been slowly working on micro habits to move, uh, towards, you know, deeper intimacy outside of sex and things like that.

• 23:12Dr. John Delony?

  Dude, shout out, good on you. Forget the app part, but good on you for seeing sex being outside the bedroom. Like a contact, that's amazing, good for you.

• 23:21Speaker 02

  Yeah, thank you. Um, and we've just, uh,

• 23:26Speaker 02

  I listen to your show a lot and I always hear you say like putting it on the calendar. Um, so just trying to meet each other's needs and obviously not being pushy about it or anything. Just trying to make it like a once or maybe even twice a month type of deal. Um, where she knows in advance that, you know, it's coming up and I'm always, you know, checking in to see, um, how she's feeling, you know, a couple of days prior or, you know, how she's feeling that day. And if, you know, I can tell that the, the fillings are, you know, the, um, you know, because she's in school full time as well. So it's, it's kind of like one of those things.

• 24:10Speaker 02

  If, if I know she's busy, then, you know, I'll just, I'll, we'll reschedule it or, you know, to the next day or day after, whatever it may be.

• 24:17Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Um.

• 24:22Dr. John Delony?

  So, uh, before we get to this, the actual sex part, I want her to go see a trauma therapist because I want her to be free.

• 24:35Dr. John Delony?

  And potentially it will have a dramatic impact on your sexual relationship.

• 24:42Dr. John Delony?

  Sex can become a intimacy builder. It can become a place of stress relief, of fun, of play. But my guess is right now for her, um, sex is a five alarm fire right in the middle of her chest.

• 24:59Dr. John Delony?

  And so once or twice a week, she loves you enough to grit her teeth and walk through that fire for you. You get what I'm saying?

• 25:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:09Dr. John Delony?

  And I don't want her gritting her teeth. I don't want her gritting her teeth through life.

• 25:14Speaker 02

  Right. Did I say once or twice a week? I meant once or twice a month.

• 25:17Dr. John Delony?

  Uh, yeah, you said, you said that. I said it wrong. Yeah. Once or twice a month.

• 25:20Speaker 02

  Okay, okay.

• 25:21Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, yeah. Um.

• 25:25Dr. John Delony?

  And so right now it's about sexual frequency. Right now you're a guy in your twenties and you're like, dude, I got married. I thought we were going to be partying all the time and the thought of it shuts her body down, right?

• 25:41Dr. John Delony?

  Is that fair?

• 25:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, and I mean, even when I bring it up, it's like I can feel an automatic shift in the environment and everything, yeah.

• 25:50Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So, I want her to go see somebody, and she's gotta wanna do this. And if you present it to her as, "I wanna have more sex, so you need to go do this thing", that's not gonna work. It is, "I want you to go do this thing because I want you to have peace inside of your own body, inside of your own skin."

• 26:14Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying? She has shut off a part of herself out of self-preservation.

• 26:20Speaker 02

  That makes sense.

• 26:22Dr. John Delony?

  And, man, you sound like such an honorable young man, and it's pretty awesome. Because I've also talked to guys in your shoes that accuse, blame, get all puffed up and big, and drag their wives through hell. And you're not that guy, and it's honorable. I appreciate you being a good man and trying to love her well.

• 26:46Speaker 02

  Thank you, sir.

• 26:47Dr. John Delony?

  And can I also say this? It's not wrong to want to have sex with your wife all the time. You're not a creepy, bad guy, okay? That doesn't make you weird either, or broken.

• 27:00Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? So I don't want you to go through life with your head down, like, "I just wanna have sex with my wife all the time." That doesn't make you... That makes you awesome, okay?

• 27:08Speaker 02

  Thank you, I appreciate that.

• 27:10Dr. John Delony?

  Well, like, hold your head up, man. Like, um, it's... Let's take sex off the table because it's so personal, and it's so... Everyone's experiences in their past, and in their present, and in their... Like, everything gets to be a... It's a dynamic, and that dynamic is so hard to deal with. Let's get something... I'm gonna give a ridiculous example, okay? Just go with me on this.

• 27:35Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 27:35Dr. John Delony?

  You love playing basketball.

• 27:39Dr. John Delony?

  And a long time ago, somebody hurt her really bad.

• 27:45Dr. John Delony?

  On a basketball court and she's like, dude, I'm never going out there again.

• 27:50Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so you pegging her with a basketball or whatever like, or like, let's play, let's play. It's so fun. For her, it's not, right?

• 27:59Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:00Dr. John Delony?

  The challenge I want to lay before you is the more like sex in our culture has been, it's because of pornography. It's because of social media. It's because of just, it's in the air. It's everywhere and it's everywhere, but nobody talks about it in a, in a deep and thoughtful way. And so everybody's trying to make it up on the fly here and sex has become such, so performance driven.

• 28:28Dr. John Delony?

  That when somebody says, I don't want this, we just shut. I mean, it, it, it's a bomb inside of our chest, right? Because it's like, am I not doing it good enough? If I did it well enough, wouldn't you want this? Right?

• 28:41Speaker 02

  Right.

• 28:41Dr. John Delony?

  And so I want you to work hard on not personalizing it. You can't, you, you won't be able to stop that feeling of, are you serious? I'm not, I, I did good last time. That feeling will come. It's what you do next with that, with, with the next right action. Okay. That's just, that's called emotional maturity. I feel this thing, I'm gonna go do this next thing. Right?

• 29:04Dr. John Delony?

  Are there things y'all have, and I'm gonna get kind of specific here. So tell me if you don't want to answer these questions. Are there things y'all do together? Sexually? That she says, I liked that or I didn't like that. Or is the whole, the whole engagement uncomfortable for her?

• 29:23Speaker 02

  Well, to be honest with you, Dr. John, I have voiced my, uh, desire to hear what she enjoys. And, um, honestly, the other day she mentioned that she's been going, you know, 20 plus years trying to figure out her body and what she enjoys.

• 29:44Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 29:45Speaker 02

  Um, yeah, so it seems almost like an ongoing battle to try and figure out like, what, what is good for her? Cause I mean, you know, as a guy, it's almost like, you know, almost anything is good.

• 29:58Dr. John Delony?

  Exactly. Yes, exactly. Um, and good, good, I mean, gosh, dude, I'd high five her if she was sitting here like, good for her for being curious about. What do I like? What do I think feels good? What does sound, you know, whatever? I want you to reframe it not as a battle, but as an adventure. Y'all can go on together if she'll have you.

• 30:20Speaker 02

  Right.

• 30:20Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And that means you being willing to get going and stop. That means you being willing to like get all geared up for something. And then one or two seconds in, she's like, no, no, no, no, no, right? And it's you being super kind and gentle and compassionate.

• 30:40Dr. John Delony?

  And her having some courage, right? I mean, having like being brave, like I'm gonna, I'm not gonna be ashamed of my body. I'm not gonna be ashamed of my past. And that will come through the trauma healing.

• 30:53Dr. John Delony?

  Anybody who's experienced childhood sexual abuse. I mean, I just can't recommend it enough because of the freedom on the other side of that. And what happens here is like, what happened to her as a kid? Happened. There's a period. You can't undo that.

• 31:07Speaker 02

  Right.

• 31:08Dr. John Delony?

  But your body, you can learn over time that you're and sometimes quicker than you think. Sometimes it takes a while, but sometimes it's much quicker than you think. That your body can remember that, but it doesn't go back and try to keep you safe in the present.

• 31:24Dr. John Delony?

  You retain, you regain this thing called agency, autonomy. I'm driving now.

• 31:31Dr. John Delony?

  And it jet, your whole body goes, phew.

• 31:34Dr. John Delony?

  Now we can start exploring. What do we like? What do we not like? What sounds fun? What do you want to have it? What kind, what do you want to try it? That kind of stuff, right?

• 31:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:43Dr. John Delony?

  And even if you, if you on your scheduled times, once or twice a month, like,

• 31:51Dr. John Delony?

  if y'all can have this conversation with a smile on your face, it's an exploratory conversation, right? It's an adventure. It's not a battle. But a, let's put three things on, on this night. We'll try them.

• 32:03Dr. John Delony?

  You, you put three things down. Or if the stress building of this thing coming up is too much, ask her if she's into not anticipating it. It may be in your household for a season. Putting on the calendar actually creates more anxiety. It's this looming thing that happens.

• 32:24Dr. John Delony?

  Right? Maybe it's being just swept off her feet and taken is something that she loves. Who knows?

• 32:32Dr. John Delony?

  But it's

• 32:33Speaker 02

  Definitely something to try.

• 32:34Dr. John Delony?

  It's it's working through it together. You get what I'm saying? But man, you're an honorable man and it's good to talk to you.

• 32:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's been a pleasure, John.

• 32:42Dr. John Delony?

  I've got, I've got, I'm gonna say this, I said this to the last caller, I'll say it to you, I've got high hopes for you guys.

• 32:49Speaker 02

  Thank you, sir.

• 32:50Dr. John Delony?

  And you're not a bad husband. If you get frustrated, you're not a bad husband. If you wish it was 15 times the amount in this season, like, none of that stuff makes you a bad guy, okay?

• 33:00Speaker 02

  Thank you, I appreciate it.

• 33:01Dr. John Delony?

  Adding your shame on top of what's happening will only make, it's not gonna be helpful. It's not, it's not real. You're a good man, dude.

• 33:07Speaker 02

  Thank you, sir.

• 33:08Dr. John Delony?

  Cool.

• 33:10Speaker 02

  Cool.

• 33:10Dr. John Delony?

  Alright, my brother. Appreciate the call, dude. And if she wants to call me, I'd love to talk to her. She may not know that you called and so, but if she does-

• 33:17Speaker 02

  She doesn't, yeah.

• 33:18Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Dude, I'd be honored to talk to her too, talk to you both, and, but I can't recommend enough her going to see somebody, maybe for the first time, but walking in the door and saying, "Not, I want to have more sex than my husband. I want to finally be free from what this family member did to me when I was a kid, and I want to regain agency of my own body." And then we'll go from there. And she may never have the libido you have, or it may come back in wild fashion. Who knows? Who knows?

• 33:53Dr. John Delony?

  But let's start with healing first. And dude, God bless you for being a 20 something year old guy and seeing that sex begins outside of the bedroom. You're on it, my brother. Appreciate you. It's been an honor talking to you. We come back, a woman asks how to support her daughter's dance goals while restoring balance in the family.

• 34:14Dr. John Delony?

  This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and according to the National Institute of Mental Health, more than one in five US adults experiences mental illness every year. And this number does not include all the other millions of people who are struggling with mental and emotional challenges of all types. Nearly half of the folks experiencing mental illness never get any help. And listen, these aren't just statistics. These are our friends, our neighbors, our family members. These numbers are you and me, and we're living in this nonstop, noise-filled world full of screens and comparisons and constant notifications, and our bodies are always on high alert. We're all more connected than ever, yet we're more anxious, lonely, and

• 34:56Dr. John Delony?

  overwhelmed. This stress shows up everywhere in our relationships and our health. Listen, we were never meant to carry all of this alone, and talking to someone can help. I recommend BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that matches you with a licensed therapist based on your goals and preferences. Their therapists are fully licensed in the United States and they follow a strict code of conduct. You can message your therapist and schedule sessions right in the platform. If it's not the right fit, you can switch anytime at no additional cost. Talk to someone. Go to betterhelp.com/daloni to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P, dot com slash daloni.

• 35:37Dr. John Delony?

  All right, St. Louis, Missouri. Let's talk to Julie. Hey Julie, what's up?

• 35:42Speaker 03

  Hi, Dr. John. Thanks so much for taking my call. I appreciate it.

• 35:45Dr. John Delony?

  Of course. Thank you. What's going on?

• 35:47Speaker 03

  Um, well, I have a daughter who has, for the last four or five years, been convinced she wants to be a professional dancer. So she's not wavered, and I want to support that.

• 36:00Dr. John Delony?

  How old is she?

• 36:01Speaker 03

  She's 12. She'll be 13 next month.

• 36:05Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 36:07Speaker 03

  Um, but it's gotten to the point where it's, it's kind of almost taking up all the oxygen in the room in terms of extracurriculars. I have one other daughter as well, and um, you know, I, with my, with my dance daughter, my ballerina, um, she thinks that her goals are most important, and I understand that passion and that drive, but I'm having a really hard time just kind of, well, seeking balance for myself and for my other daughter as well.

• 36:41Dr. John Delony?

  How direct can I be with you?

• 36:43Speaker 03

  Very.

• 36:44Dr. John Delony?

  Are you sure?

• 36:46Speaker 03

  Yes, I want to say, I want to just interject really quick and say that I've gained a lot of insight from your calls over the years, so I, whatever you need to say, please say.

• 36:55Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 36:55Speaker 03

  I am, I am open to seeing the light.

• 36:58Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, um, if we were, if, if we were just having, like, hanging out, having dinner, talking, I would, I would take a lot longer to get where I'm getting, but because of the compressed nature of these calls, I'm just gonna jump right in, cool?

• 37:11Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 37:11Dr. John Delony?

  All right. The single greatest gift you could give your about-to-be teenage daughter is not only the words, but the lived experience that she does not drive this house. You do.

• 37:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:31Dr. John Delony?

  And she will grab every square inch of the rope that's given to her, and I want you to see that as her frantically trying to hang on, not trying to take advantage.

• 37:44Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 37:46Dr. John Delony?

  She's grasping for control because she's a, she's a, she's a kid, she's a teenager, that's what they do.

• 37:52Speaker 03

  Right.

• 37:53Dr. John Delony?

  And they will take every bit of rope that the adults let go of.

• 37:57Speaker 03

  So, yeah.

• 38:01Dr. John Delony?

  So, he, he, here's how, here's how, here's the, some direct language. I have one job, and that's to keep you safe.

• 38:08Speaker 03

  Right.

• 38:10Dr. John Delony?

  I have a second jo, or, I have two, I've got, you got 50 jobs as a parent, I'm just trying to be over dramatic here, right?

• 38:16Speaker 03

  That's okay.

• 38:17Dr. John Delony?

  One of my big jobs is to keep you safe. And safety is online, safety is, you know, stranger danger, all that, but safety is also, you gotta take a break, because you're 12.

• 38:29Speaker 03

  Right.

• 38:29Dr. John Delony?

  Safety is you're gonna go to sleep. Safety is, I would not be doing my job as a parent if you did not have a lived experience of also putting other people's needs first.

• 38:40Speaker 03

  Okay, that's good.

• 38:42Dr. John Delony?

  And especially now, after four or five years of kind of getting ruled a roost, you're gonna have a war on your hands.

• 38:51Speaker 03

  I am, yeah.

• 38:52Dr. John Delony?

  And here's what's important. Every feeling she has is okay, but not every response she has is okay.

• 38:59Speaker 03

  Right.

• 38:59Dr. John Delony?

  You look her in the eyes and say, "I can handle you being mad, I can handle you not liking me, I love you too much."

• 39:05Dr. John Delony?

  But if you meet her volume with your volume, if you just let her get away with cursing or swearing or slamming doors or whatever, then again, she's learning, oh, I run this place.

• 39:15Speaker 03

  Right.

• 39:16Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so, expect, I always say, conflict deferred is conflict amplified. This is going to be a high amplification.

• 39:26Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 39:27Dr. John Delony?

  But luckily, she's not a preteen young woman who's also, her body's changing faster than, right?

• 39:33Speaker 03

  Right.

• 39:34Dr. John Delony?

  Than the weather in Texas, and so, you'll have that going for you.

• 39:37Speaker 03

  Right.

• 39:38Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 39:39Speaker 03

  And I'm in perimenopause, so we're getting hit from all angles.

• 39:42Dr. John Delony?

  Sweet. So it's like, it's like a, ah, man. Kelly and I were just joking off air about that.

• 39:49Speaker 03

  I have been putting off really asserting, I think on some level, I knew what you were going to say, and I have been putting it off.

• 40:00Dr. John Delony?

  Why are you scared of her?

• 40:02Speaker 03

  I'm afraid, well, so, her dad and I are divorced, and there's a lot of layers to that, too, that we don't have to get into, but I am afraid that I'm going to be the convenient villain, and that it's going to kind of spiral out of control for me. So, I feel like I've honestly been kind of walking on eggshells, to some degree.

• 40:29Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, I need you to know, that is, that is unspooling her nervous system.

• 40:34Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah. I didn't think of it that way.

• 40:39Dr. John Delony?

  When did y'all get divorced?

• 40:43Speaker 03

  About eight years ago.

• 40:46Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 40:46Speaker 03

  It's been a while.

• 40:47Dr. John Delony?

  Been a minute, but she was, she was a toddler?

• 40:49Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:51Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 40:52Speaker 03

  She adjusted better than my older one. My older one took a little bit longer, but I also have, like, a lot of that mom guilt, and I'm afraid, I'm not enough, I'm not doing enough, or I'm doing too much, and a lot of that is my own, probably, anxiety.

• 41:09Dr. John Delony?

  A hundred percent of it is yours.

• 41:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:12Dr. John Delony?

  Zero of it is theirs. They just respond to the adults in their life.

• 41:17Dr. John Delony?

  Do you, do you, and I know that's a mean way to put that really, really abrupt.

• 41:21Speaker 03

  No, I appreciate the directness. It's true. I see it.

• 41:25Dr. John Delony?

  How do you and your ex co-parent?

• 41:28Speaker 03

  Um, we are amicable, but I am, I am the utility parent. So everything falls to me. All the appointments, all the school, all that. I don't have a whole lot of time to have fun with the kids. And actually, to that point, my daughter did have a foot injury, um, the last month or so. So she hasn't been going to dance and we've actually started to communicate a lot better. So I see that there obvious, there's an obvious need for us to have one-on-one time to connect and to not constantly be driving to the next thing.

• 42:02Dr. John Delony?

  Yes. Yes.

• 42:04Speaker 03

  I just don't know how, now that she's getting back into dance, I feel like it's gonna spin away from me again.

• 42:09Dr. John Delony?

  So I don't want you to say things like, hasn't this been great? And we've gotten to do, I want you to use the word "I."

• 42:19Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 42:19Dr. John Delony?

  "I realized I'm missing my relationship with my daughter."

• 42:23Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 42:24Dr. John Delony?

  "I realized that I've been allowing you to run this house with your schedule, and I'm not gonna put that on you anymore. I'm sorry for doing that."

• 42:33Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 42:34Dr. John Delony?

  "I am going to put some boundaries around dance. I want you to be a great dancer, and I see how much you love it, and that's amazing. But my job is to help you grow up and be the best adult version of yourself you can be, and that means you gotta have friends. That means you gotta have rest. That means you gotta have play."

• 42:57Speaker 03

  Wow. Thank you for helping me find my own words.

• 43:00Dr. John Delony?

  Does that make sense?

• 43:01Speaker 03

  Yes, I needed that.

• 43:03Dr. John Delony?

  But the, all of it, every bit of this has to be "I." I'm the adult in this room.

• 43:08Speaker 03

  Right.

• 43:09Dr. John Delony?

  And I can handle your mad. I can handle your anger. Where this will get sideways is if she goes to your husband, who then funds everything.

• 43:18Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:18Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And he's gonna, "I'll drive you then. Fine. Forget your mom. She's always ruining everything." If, if he's that kinda guy, call that out.

• 43:25Speaker 03

  A little bit.

• 43:25Dr. John Delony?

  Call it out. Your dad's gonna say a bunch of mean stuff about me, and you can choose to believe it or not.

• 43:32Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 43:33Dr. John Delony?

  But never doubt that I love you more than life itself. And loving you is not giving you every single thing you want. You're 12. I'm the parent.

• 43:45Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 43:45Dr. John Delony?

  This could be a nightmare.

• 43:48Speaker 03

  It is. I'm not looking forward to it. But I also am looking forward to it because I feel like I have some tools. I, the hardest part was figuring out what way to attack it because I am very cautious about how I communicate with them and I try to model emotional intelligence and, but this is a place where I think I've been so emotionally unspooled, to use your words, that I didn't really know how to get to it.

• 44:16Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, let me give you, can I say something scary?

• 44:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:20Dr. John Delony?

  I'm just gonna, I'm gonna make you more anxious than before you got on this call. I'm sorry.

• 44:23Speaker 03

  It's okay. I don't think you could, but it's okay.

• 44:27Dr. John Delony?

  When a kid, a kid can feel in their body when adults are being careful around them.

• 44:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:36Dr. John Delony?

  And what that sends to a child is, "I'm not lovable enough as I am."

• 44:42Speaker 03

  No.

• 44:44Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 44:44Speaker 03

  That's what I don't want.

• 44:46Dr. John Delony?

  I know, I know. And that's why, I told you, you're gonna be more anxious when you get off this call or not. I, that's why, looking at your daughter and saying, "I love every bit of you. And I love how passionate you are about this thing. It's so cool. I've never been this passionate about anything, except for you two. So imagine how much you love Danz. I love you and your sister a million times more than that. I love every bit of you, all of it. And I've been holding back a little bit because I didn't want to make you mad. And I realize that's not good."

• 45:17Speaker 03

  Right.

• 45:18Dr. John Delony?

  It's not me doing my job as your mom. You're allowed to be mad. And I love you anyway. You're not allowed to say mean things and slam the door and break stuff, throw things. But you're allowed to be mad. I get mad. You're allowed to be sad and frustrated and pissed off at me. That's okay. But I want, I, I, I want my kids to know, I'm not going, I'm not gonna not have some, a conversation with you or challenge you on something because I'm scared of your reaction.

• 45:49Dr. John Delony?

  Or there's

• 45:50Speaker 03

  I have been doing that.

• 45:51Dr. John Delony?

  There's parts of

• 45:51Speaker 03

  That I need to stop.

• 45:52Dr. John Delony?

  Or there's parts of you that I think are gonna come out and I'm afraid of those.

• 45:55Speaker 03

  Right.

• 45:56Dr. John Delony?

  Because what I'm telling my kids is there's a part of you I don't love. Here's a, I'll tell you, here's a great example happened in my house. My daughter is emotionally volatile like her dad. Right? I'm a big dramatic mess. And my son is a walking Xanax. I don't, I don't know how he came out of our genetic concoction. It's unbelievable. It's unbelievable. Like, like, man, you know what? The house just exploded. Can I get, can I get Dr. Pepper? That's my son. Right? And it's awesome. Well, we were playing a game. We were playing, we play this game out in the country called three on three baseball. It's every man for himself and it's hilarious. Well, but we peg each other with a tennis ball.

• 46:39Dr. John Delony?

  The other day, my daughter was running and my son went, I mean, he gently threw it, but dude, sure enough, he drilled it right in the back of the head. And she grabs her head and she starts crying. Fair. She got hit in the head with a ball, but she turned to just go after him.

• 47:00Speaker 03

  Right.

• 47:01Dr. John Delony?

  And I yelled out, I was way across the field and I said, no, no ma'am, stop. Well, that caused a further explosion. You don't let me be sad. You always get mad when I cry. You always get mad when I'm in pain. And so our follow-up conversation, once the smoke cleared, because I'm not good in those conversations and she's not, you can't, there's no hearing going on. There's just trying to defeat each other, right?

• 47:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 47:26Dr. John Delony?

  I had to tell her, you are allowed to cry any minute of any second of any time in this house. Your tears are always welcome here. I will always be a source of comfort for you if you get hurt, always. But you can't be mean or hurtful.

• 47:48Dr. John Delony?

  Because you're uncomfortable because you just got hit with a tennis ball.

• 47:52Dr. John Delony?

  And that's the part, that's the thing. Your, every feeling you have is okay in this house. But not every action is okay.

• 47:59Speaker 03

  Right.

• 48:00Dr. John Delony?

  And I still don't think she fully got that.

• 48:04Dr. John Delony?

  And it's going to be an ongoing conversation we have, but I'm not going to battle her. I'm the dad. I win. I've already won. Right?

• 48:10Speaker 03

  Right.

• 48:10Dr. John Delony?

  I'm not going to go to war with my, with my 10 year old, but I will engage it every time.

• 48:16Dr. John Delony?

  Cause her brother didn't, now if her brother meant to do that, I would have gone flying over there. All right. If he meant to like hurt her, then now him and I are going to have a problem. That's not who he is. He'd never do that. And she knows that. And so what I'm trying to teach her is, man, be mad, be hurt, be all those things. That's life. But don't just go looking for somebody to cut down and swing, because that's politics these days, right?

• 48:37Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:38Dr. John Delony?

  And I, I, I want us to be more emotionally mature than that. And it just takes time.

• 48:48Dr. John Delony?

  So I'll just tell you, best, best of luck to you, Julie.

• 48:53Speaker 03

  Thank you. I, I actually feel pretty hopeful.

• 48:57Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, you should, you should be super hopeful. You'll have to wade through it, but you'll be super hopeful. And you're going to have to wade through the blame.

• 49:02Speaker 03

  I have a roadmap.

• 49:02Dr. John Delony?

  You've ruined my life. You're taking this, my dream away from me. All, you have to wade through all that. And I would recommend having one or two things that you can replace. If you're going to pull something off. What are some things she can do in the house?

• 49:18Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 49:20Dr. John Delony?

  You're going to be responsible. I'm going to pay you, but you're responsible for cooking two nights a week.

• 49:25Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 49:25Dr. John Delony?

  You're responsible. Give her some, some things that she can have agency of in her home.

• 49:31Speaker 03

  Got it.

• 49:31Dr. John Delony?

  Like, cause tell her, you play an important role here and you're an essential part of this house. And I'm tired of the dance teacher getting the best version of you.

• 49:42Speaker 03

  Deep down, she wants to be a contributor.

• 49:44Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, she does. She was with more than anything else. And often the-

• 49:48Speaker 03

  And that's probably part of what's causing her to feel a bit adrift in terms of-

• 49:52Dr. John Delony?

  Well, if the only place, if the only place she gets celebrated is at dance.

• 49:57Speaker 03

  Right.

• 49:58Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 49:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:59Dr. John Delony?

  There's the old marriage saying, if you're not your wife or husband's biggest cheerleader, something or someone else will be.

• 50:05Speaker 03

  Right.

• 50:05Dr. John Delony?

  The same goes with your kids. If, if they don't feel-

• 50:09Speaker 03

  That makes so much sense.

• 50:10Dr. John Delony?

  They don't feel safe enough to drop all their baggage in their home. They'll find a place where they can drop it.

• 50:19Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 50:21Speaker 03

  Drop in two spoons. Thank you.

• 50:23Dr. John Delony?

  You're awesome.

• 50:24Speaker 03

  I feel, I feel, I feel a lot of clarity, actually, over this. And I feel like you gave me a roadmap. So I feel better. I just need to actually implement it fearlessly. Everything's gonna be okay.

• 50:39Dr. John Delony?

  Well, let me say this, it won't be.

• 50:42Speaker 03

  In the end, it will, right?

• 50:44Dr. John Delony?

  I always tell folks, when you get, when you, if you have young kids and you get divorced, or if you have teenagers and you get divorced, we're immediately gonna fast forward to our relationship when our kid is 25.

• 50:58Dr. John Delony?

  That's when the clarity begins to, oh.

• 51:00Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 51:01Dr. John Delony?

  My mom was all alone. Oh, my dad was fighting mom the whole way.

• 51:05Speaker 03

  Right, okay.

• 51:07Dr. John Delony?

  Dad made mom do all of this crap while he just got to be the fun guy? But that kind of clarity doesn't come until the frontal lobe develops. And that's 25.

• 51:17Speaker 03

  Right. And I've been walking through this afraid that I'm gonna lose them, to be honest. There's been some level of me that's just afraid that I'll lose them. Which is another thing entirely, but I'm, I can't operate that way. I see it.

• 51:32Dr. John Delony?

  Well, it becomes accidentally self-reinforcing.

• 51:37Speaker 03

  Right.

• 51:37Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna, I'm gonna give them whatever they want. I'm gonna walk on eggshells. I'm not gonna have any boundaries. I'm gonna burn myself at the stake so that they can have everything. And when all they really, really deeply want is safety and security and being seen and known and loved by their parents.

• 51:54Speaker 03

  Right.

• 51:55Dr. John Delony?

  And then they find those things other places. And home becomes electric, because mom doesn't even like me. Not all of me. And you see how it happens? Your biggest fear comes true.

• 52:07Speaker 03

  Right. I do see it, yeah.

• 52:09Dr. John Delony?

  Dude, can I just tell you? I'm, I'm proud of you for turning the lights on. It's awesome.

• 52:14Speaker 03

  Thank you for helping me too. Thank you.

• 52:16Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, heck yeah, it is my job. And, and, and hey, you're gonna follow this map? And there's gonna be moments when you find that, like, you're like, oh, I'm out in the woods. I missed a turn somewhere. Call me back.

• 52:25Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 52:26Dr. John Delony?

  Call me back.

• 52:26Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 52:27Dr. John Delony?

  And if you and her ever wanna call, I'll be the bad guy.

• 52:31Speaker 03

  Oh, that would be cool. She would love it.

• 52:33Dr. John Delony?

  I don't take kids under 18, but I will if they're, if they're parents on, I'll talk to them. That'd be fun.

• 52:37Speaker 03

  Okay. Okay.

• 52:39Dr. John Delony?

  That'd be rad. All right. Hey, thank you so much for calling and um, best of luck to you waiting into this firestorm. You're gonna get burned, there's gonna be scars. Um, but we're playing a long, long game with this one. Parents take back your homes. That's the greatest gift you can give your kids. We'll be right back.

• 52:59Dr. John Delony?

  It's the springtime and my life is chaos with my family, with work, with everything. So I've not been out in the woods or out fishing lately, but that's not stopping me from using my Montana Knife Company knives every day. I used two of their knives this morning making breakfast for my family. I've bought a ton of Montana Knife Company knives over the years, long before they ever partnered with me on this show, and I use them all the time. Hunting, fishing, in the kitchen, wherever. And when I need a go-to gift for a great friend, or someone who's invited me out, somebody who's getting married, or celebrating something really important, I bring Montana Knife Company knives. They're amazing gifts, too. They're not just knives,

• 53:42Dr. John Delony?

  they're something that they will actually use. Montana Knife Company just built this incredible new facility in, ta-da, Montana, and they manufacture everything in-house. These knives are so well crafted, made in the USA, and you're gonna pass them on to your grandkids someday. I want you to go to montanaknifecompany.com right now and see what's in stock. That's montanaknifecompany.com.

• 54:08Dr. John Delony?

  All right, Kelly, something cool happened. What is it?

• 54:11Speaker 04

  All right, so this is from Erin in Springdale, Arkansas.

• 54:16Dr. John Delony?

  Erin E. or A- Aaron?

• 54:18Speaker 04

  Uh, E.

• 54:19Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 54:19Speaker 04

  This is a mom.

• 54:20Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 54:20Speaker 04

  And she writes, "I'm a single mom of three boys, 11, 9, and 5. I'm an avid listener, and I've learned so much. Every night, I hold each of my boys' faces in my hands and tell them how lucky I am to be their mom and how much I love them. Once a week, I get a sitter for a couple of hours and take one of them for a one-on-one time."

• 54:38Dr. John Delony?

  Ah, so cool.

• 54:39Speaker 04

  "We rotate whose turn it is weekly because sitters are expensive." It didn't take long to realize that it's not about the things that I can give them. It's about the time that they want. While I still question myself daily, or hourly, I wonder and wonder if I'm doing this whole mom thing right. I get small wins that remind me that I am. One day while we were out, my five-year-old looked at me and said, "Mom, I'm so lucky to be your son." And in that moment, every doubt, mess, and unanswered "What's for dinner?" question was worth it. I felt so loved. Now, wish me luck for puberty.

• 55:11Dr. John Delony?

  Nope, you gotta go through that one without luck. You just gotta wade through it. Dude, that's, that's awesome right there. That intentionality comes at the expense of the new show that's out. That intentionality comes at the expense of sleep, of whatever else. But that intentionality, that's life. That's the good stuff right there, man. That's it. That's it. Good for you. Good for you. And Kelly, I'll be intentional with you.

• 55:36Speaker 04

  Intentionally what?

• 55:40Dr. John Delony?

  All right, love you guys. Y'all have a good one. Bye.