#162 - Sarah Sherman

Sarah Sherman returns to the pod to discuss her new special SARAH SQUIRM: LIVE + IN THE FLESH (HBO Max), how she would have gotten better promo if she dressed up as Sarah Normal, really wanting to crap and puke on SNL, turning down the high school quarterback, being a really bad lifeguard, wondering what it’s like to have nuts, and much more. Sarah and Stav help callers including a woman whose husband won’t let her invite her brother to housesit because his feet smell really bad, and a woman whose former teacher DM’d her asking to hang out. Watch Sarah Sherman’s new special SARAH SQUIRM: LIVE + IN THE FLESH on HBO Max: https://www.hbomax.com/movies/sarah-squirm-live-in-the-flesh/5d79e162-5a0a-4177-9021-79bac1836b07 See Sarah Sherman live and follow her on social media: https://www.sarahsquirm.com/ https://www.instagram.com/sarahsquirm/ https://twitter.com/SarahSquirm Thank you to our sponsors! Visible.com - promo code SWITCH26 ☎️ Want to be a part of the show? Call 904-800-STAV and leave a voicemail to get advice! 🎟️ See Stavvy live on the Dreamboat Tour 🛥️💕!!! https://stavvy.biz/ for tickets ‼️ Bonus episodes every week! Unlock exclusive, Patreon-only episodes at https://www.patreon.com/stavvysworld

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:31Speaker 01

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• 1:01Stavros Halkias?

  Welcome, everybody, to Stavie's World. 904-800-Stav. Call in, we'll solve all your problems. Look who's back on the couch, everybody.

• 1:11Speaker 03

  Miss me?

• 1:13Stavros Halkias?

  Look who's back on the couch. And she was doing other press, so she looks halfway presentable today.

• 1:19Speaker 03

  From the neck up.

• 1:20Stavros Halkias?

  From the neck up, glammed up.

• 1:23Speaker 03

  Glammed up, eyelashes burning into my eyes.

• 1:25Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, how's it feel? Is this strange for you?

• 1:28Speaker 03

  I'm one day.

• 1:28Stavros Halkias?

  How much makeup have you had on?

• 1:30Speaker 03

  I've had...

• 1:30Stavros Halkias?

  How many hours have you had this on?

• 1:32Speaker 03

  Um, I've had it on since 8:00 a.m. And you could just take a shovel and scrape off four inches of concealer. One day, one day.

• 1:42Stavros Halkias?

  Yes.

• 1:42Speaker 03

  You have to do this for a full day. Lashes, lips. I'll give you 40 bucks.

• 1:49Stavros Halkias?

  40 bucks to do it?

• 1:50Speaker 03

  Yep, contacts.

• 1:51Stavros Halkias?

  Contacts? Are you wearing contacts?

• 1:52Speaker 03

  I'm wearing contacts, because the eyes of the windows do that.

• 1:55Stavros Halkias?

  Of course, of course.

• 1:57Speaker 03

  Soul, of course.

• 1:58Stavros Halkias?

  I do like the purple eyeshadow.

• 1:59Speaker 03

  Isn't that nice?

• 2:00Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 2:03Stavros Halkias?

  Looking the only place that there isn't a camera. What a pro.

• 2:08Speaker 03

  Well, there's so much space in your new Epstein's mansion.

• 2:11Stavros Halkias?

  That's right, that's right.

• 2:12Speaker 03

  Can they see?

• 2:13Stavros Halkias?

  No, no one has any idea.

• 2:15Speaker 03

  It's crazy.

• 2:16Stavros Halkias?

  We are in the, in the headquarters, the Manhattan headquarters of, uh, the temporary headquarters of Stavi's World, uh, at, in the middle of NYU. We, we've rented a studio at NYU. Of course, we're in the middle of the campus right now.

• 2:30Speaker 03

  And it looks like a big refrigerator.

• 2:32Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 2:33Speaker 03

  It's if a house was a refrigerator, and it's a house.

• 2:37Stavros Halkias?

  It's pretty much a house in apartment form, yeah.

• 2:39Speaker 03

  It's.

• 2:40Stavros Halkias?

  It's big.

• 2:40Speaker 03

  Do you feel safe?

• 2:42Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, what do you mean?

• 2:43Speaker 03

  Like spiritually safe?

• 2:45Stavros Halkias?

  Spiritually safe? That's a good question. No, not really. There's something sinister going on here.

• 2:50Speaker 03

  You did say it feels evil. There's nothing on the wall.

• 2:53Stavros Halkias?

  Well, I've sublet it and it's furnished, so I can't put my own, and the.

• 2:57Speaker 03

  No, but that's what I'm saying. The person who lives here doesn't.

• 3:00Stavros Halkias?

  The vibes are not great. It's a cool space.

• 3:03Speaker 03

  Right.

• 3:04Stavros Halkias?

  And it's a cool neighborhood that I'd never lived in. Um, but I did learn like, I don't want this. This is too much for me. I'm gonna get a smaller place, although.

• 3:12Speaker 03

  Oh my God, you're so humble, Stav.

• 3:14Stavros Halkias?

  Well, the idea, what I would love to do is throw a big ass party here. On the way out, I will throw a party.

• 3:18Speaker 03

  I need to go to a, I haven't been to a party where I was just, I was having fun in a long time.

• 3:23Stavros Halkias?

  Lot of, lot of work after parties?

• 3:26Speaker 03

  I'm at, thank you for saying that. I'm at work.

• 3:29Stavros Halkias?

  That can't be that fun.

• 3:30Speaker 03

  No, and I'm like tweaking off a Celsius that I drank at like 11 PM before the show. And then I like, I had a martini and a half a couple of weekends ago, like fully blacked out, was acting crazy.

• 3:45Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, have you embarrassed yourself in front of like a famous person to a degree? Anything that come, does anything come to mind? Anything in particular?

• 3:52Speaker 03

  Just on Saturday, I ran up, I saw, I was full blown sober, just like tired as hell and like on Celsius. I saw the dare and I went.

• 4:03Stavros Halkias?

  Nice.

• 4:07Speaker 03

  Terrible.

• 4:08Stavros Halkias?

  That's pretty good.

• 4:09Speaker 03

  And then, and then his friend goes, "Good job on the show tonight." I, oh, no, "You did good on the show tonight." And I go, "No, I didn't."

• 4:17Speaker 03

  It's like, I can't tell. I'm at a point in my life where I don't know if I'm charming anymore.

• 4:22Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, interesting.

• 4:23Speaker 03

  You know what I mean?

• 4:23Stavros Halkias?

  You're having a real crisis.

• 4:24Speaker 03

  I am.

• 4:25Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 4:26Speaker 03

  And then, and then I said to, and then I was kind of on an apology tour because I was really stressed out at work. And like a producer asked me to cut just one joke from a thing. Wasn't that funny? When you cut time out of your sketches, it's good because then your friends have time to get their sketches on the show. Everybody eats, you know, no problem.

• 4:42Stavros Halkias?

  Very egalitarian of you.

• 4:43Speaker 03

  No, I'm a saint, I'm an angel.

• 4:44Stavros Halkias?

  You're so good.

• 4:45Speaker 03

  I'm a saint, I'm an angel.

• 4:45Stavros Halkias?

  You cut one fart out of your diarrhea sketch?

• 4:49Speaker 03

  I cut just one R out of diarrhea.

• 4:51Stavros Halkias?

  Are they gonna let you do like some kind of diarrhea? Like, you know, remember back in the day, one of my favorite sketches as a kid was the throwing up out of the hand?

• 4:58Speaker 03

  Awesome. I've tried to do that.

• 5:00Stavros Halkias?

  That's gotta come back.

• 5:01Speaker 03

  We even made a, a vomit. Because why they do it with the hand is because when you tape like a vomit tube to your face, the force of the liquid vomit like usually like pries the hose off. It's hard to keep the hose on your face.

• 5:16Stavros Halkias?

  I had, I did a movie where somebody had one of those in their, like in their mouth. And it was fucking crazy.

• 5:22Speaker 03

  It's awesome.

• 5:23Stavros Halkias?

  Their fucking head flew around like he was having a hard time.

• 5:26Speaker 03

  Because of the force!

• 5:26Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, it was like, it was a lot. And he didn't have control of it, that we were fucking with him. It was pretty fun, actually. The director was a fun, a fun, a fun little rascal. He was just fucking with him and it was pretty, pretty fun.

• 5:36Speaker 03

  And that director was Begonia.

• 5:38Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, it was, it was an un, yeah, it was a cut scene. There's a lot of like, uh, throat, yeah. Lanthimos loves the hand in the, in the wrist fucking throat. I bet he would love that, actually.

• 5:49Speaker 03

  It's awesome. We, like, it's the vomit hoses are hard. So like, uh, Louis, special effects.

• 5:56Stavros Halkias?

  Shout out to Louis. He actually did scan me for Begonia.

• 5:59Speaker 03

  That's true!

• 5:59Stavros Halkias?

  So me and Louis has looked at my, he's scanned my whole body.

• 6:03Speaker 03

  He has that on a computer.

• 6:04Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, he has my body on a computer somewhere. I kind of want it. I want to make an action figure of myself.

• 6:10Speaker 03

  He will make it for you.

• 6:11Stavros Halkias?

  Cool.

• 6:11Speaker 03

  He, I have so many of my little heads that he's printed in.

• 6:14Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, I saw that in his workshop. You're like the, you're like the number one person in there.

• 6:19Speaker 03

  Well.

• 6:19Stavros Halkias?

  Pretty good for somebody who's barely in the sketches.

• 6:24Speaker 03

  Oh, you haven't tuned in this season? Neither of you have tuned in this season? I'm woman number three in a blonde wig and bangs going, "Hey! You're acting bizarre."

• 6:35Stavros Halkias?

  Well, they lost to, you guys lost to normal women.

• 6:38Speaker 03

  We did.

• 6:39Stavros Halkias?

  And that did push you even further into pretending to be a normal woman territory.

• 6:43Speaker 03

  It is.

• 6:44Stavros Halkias?

  Heidi Gardner, who's gonna do that? You know what I mean? And the answer is not you, but somebody's taking her spot. And so you have to be a background normal woman.

• 6:54Speaker 03

  Lauren always says, like, cause I'm always going, like, someone's doing something weird now, I'm going.

• 6:59Speaker 03

  And he's like, you're gonna catch flies in that mouth. And I'm like, I'm legitimately disturbed. Nikki Glaser and Tommy Brennan are doing a sketch where they're siblings.

• 7:10Stavros Halkias?

  They have a lot of sexual chemistry.

• 7:12Speaker 03

  And so I'm going.

• 7:14Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, you're playing it natural. That's how anyone would react in real life.

• 7:19Speaker 03

  I try to really get in there and go like, huh. I'm really present in the sketches. Sometimes I'm fully like 10 seconds late on a line, cause I'm watching too hard.

• 7:30Stavros Halkias?

  Cause you're so in.

• 7:30Speaker 03

  I'm going like.

• 7:31Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 7:32Speaker 03

  They're siblings, this is crazy.

• 7:34Stavros Halkias?

  These siblings shouldn't be about the fuck. What the hell is this?

• 7:38Speaker 03

  I actually, I got a wig. I was gonna come in here full Sarah Normal.

• 7:43Stavros Halkias?

  Oh my god, that would have been incredible.

• 7:45Speaker 03

  I know.

• 7:46Stavros Halkias?

  That would have been incredible.

• 7:47Speaker 03

  I got a blonde wig and I had a whole, yeah.

• 7:51Stavros Halkias?

  What would you have worn, not this fucking clown outfit?

• 7:53Speaker 03

  It was Von Dutch tank top and a mini skirt with fishnets and a blonde wig. I should have just done it.

• 8:01Stavros Halkias?

  That would have like short circuited my brain to actually see you.

• 8:05Speaker 03

  You do have to come to SNL.

• 8:07Stavros Halkias?

  I did, yeah, yeah. Well, I did fucking, I wanted to come. I fucked up, cause I was just up late as fuck one Saturday, to the point where I'm never up that late. And I was like, it was like.

• 8:16Speaker 03

  It's the only thing to do in New York. What else are you gonna do? Oh.

• 8:19Stavros Halkias?

  And I fucking, I was like, and I went to a party and I was, and I was wired, cause I never do anything like social.

• 8:25Speaker 03

  Right.

• 8:25Stavros Halkias?

  And I was like, ah, and I didn't go to bed till like four.

• 8:28Speaker 03

  You could have just easily rolled up.

• 8:31Stavros Halkias?

  I'm such a fucking idiot.

• 8:32Speaker 03

  Just come, this is the move for the listeners out. Just come sit in my dressing room. It gets to be 150 degrees in there. You'll be in there with like two of my cousins and someone I don't even know.

• 8:44Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, I don't want that. I don't want that experience.

• 8:45Speaker 03

  It'll be great.

• 8:46Stavros Halkias?

  I want someone.

• 8:47Speaker 03

  But then you get the experience of then I come into the dressing room in Sarah Normal drag. And you like, and then everybody goes like, whoa. And then, and then I go, sorry, gotta go to work. And then you watch the monitor and it's me on stage going.

• 8:59Stavros Halkias?

  You'd be like, huh?

• 9:01Speaker 03

  What?

• 9:02Stavros Halkias?

  Well, what I'm saying is, what if you pitched the hose gag, but it's shitting?

• 9:08Speaker 03

  Out of my mouth. I reversed. I switched. Shit comes out of my mouth and puke comes out of my ass. Yes. It's called Goose69.

• 9:18Stavros Halkias?

  I've never seen it come out of anybody's ass. That's how you could be the, you could move the art form forward.

• 9:23Speaker 03

  Well, me and Mikey Day wrote something and I'm not gonna spoil it, cause maybe it'll, no, it got cut, cause it didn't get a single lap. But, we were like animatronics that were puking.

• 9:35Stavros Halkias?

  I love it.

• 9:35Speaker 03

  And then Louis built us a vomit rig that like hooks in your ear like a Bluetooth. So that like, it wouldn't, so it was really like in place.

• 9:44Stavros Halkias?

  Nice.

• 9:45Speaker 03

  So yeah, we're doing like huge technological developments in the vomit rig field and nobody's buying.

• 9:50Stavros Halkias?

  All I'm saying is if you don't do a vomit rig before you leave, it will be a wasted tenure on SNL.

• 9:56Speaker 03

  Well, obviously I've written it 800 times. That's it. I write four sketches a week. And they're exactly what you think. They're what you think. They're what you can imagine. They don't make it past the finish line.

• 10:10Stavros Halkias?

  Of course.

• 10:11Speaker 03

  Of course.

• 10:11Stavros Halkias?

  We'll get there.

• 10:12Speaker 03

  We'll get there.

• 10:13Stavros Halkias?

  One of these times.

• 10:14Speaker 03

  Well, when you host.

• 10:15Stavros Halkias?

  That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll bring you back. You'll have been fired by then.

• 10:20Speaker 03

  Right.

• 10:20Stavros Halkias?

  You know?

• 10:21Speaker 03

  For coming on this podcast and talking about how I look beautiful in a wig. Damn, I should've, I should've just done it.

• 10:27Stavros Halkias?

  That would've been awesome.

• 10:28Speaker 03

  I was like, there was something to, I had a busy day today.

• 10:31Stavros Halkias?

  Of course. A lot of press for, we should say, Sarah Squirm, live in the flesh, out, probably by now, when you're listening to it.

• 10:41Speaker 03

  Well, but not, I told you about my new, the new anxiety that I invented about it.

• 10:46Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, give it, yeah.

• 10:47Speaker 03

  It's that I'm worried that when it gets uploaded to the HBO, what if it gets blurry?

• 10:55Stavros Halkias?

  I mean, that's one of the stupidest things I've ever heard.

• 10:57Speaker 03

  But it's like, I all, of course, of course.

• 11:00Stavros Halkias?

  That it's gonna get blurry?

• 11:01Speaker 03

  Well, I'm just, I'm always like inventing a new, a terrible thing that's happening. So that, I was worried that it was gonna get blurry. What was the other thing I invented? Oh, well, this is an interesting, but I, well, this is, well, this is, okay. Well, now ogres are like onions. This is a lot of layers. I, I, the day of the taping.

• 11:24Stavros Halkias?

  Ogres are like onions.

• 11:27Stavros Halkias?

  Okay, we'll get back to that. It's a classic Long Island saying.

• 11:33Speaker 03

  Right, you guys know what I'm talking about. Everyone knows exactly what I'm talking about. I'm coming across as completely.

• 11:38Stavros Halkias?

  I understand the layers.

• 11:39Speaker 03

  Right.

• 11:40Stavros Halkias?

  And the ogre, I guess, is your worry, is that what it is?

• 11:42Speaker 03

  That's like the, from Shrek, he's like, ogres are like onions. I mean, for you to pick up on it would be odd.

• 11:49Stavros Halkias?

  I don't remember that, and I am a Shrek fan.

• 11:51Speaker 03

  My mouth is talking, like, my mouth is over here and my mind is over here.

• 11:54Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 11:55Speaker 03

  I, the day of the special, I was convinced I had a new COVID-39.

• 12:01Stavros Halkias?

  Variant, yeah, yeah.

• 12:02Speaker 03

  So I wasn't testing positive for anything, and I have a fever, I just wa, I, I said, I'm saying, so I got an IV that morning.

• 12:08Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, I know, I'm the IV king.

• 12:10Speaker 03

  But I don't think they're good.

• 12:12Stavros Halkias?

  They are.

• 12:13Speaker 03

  But why? But why is that better than drinking a vitamin? Why?

• 12:17Stavros Halkias?

  Um, I don't know if it even is better, I just think I have always felt better after doing them.

• 12:22Speaker 03

  I don't, but I'm, I'm.

• 12:24Stavros Halkias?

  You just hydrated.

• 12:25Speaker 03

  Right, but then it's like some anti-vax, like cowboy nurse coming to your house and doing it out of a dirty lunchbox?

• 12:31Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, that can happen sometimes.

• 12:33Speaker 03

  It's cra, but that's what they are, oh, are you going to the place or they coming to your?

• 12:36Stavros Halkias?

  Sometimes I go to the place, sometimes they come.

• 12:37Speaker 03

  Cause I usually get it, like, it's like, an emergency, the show's that night, and they need to come to my house.

• 12:43Stavros Halkias?

  Of course, you're freaking out.

• 12:44Speaker 03

  I'm freaking out, they, they're giving me in, like, in, intent, the vibe, it is anti-vax.

• 12:52Stavros Halkias?

  A little bit, I guess.

• 12:54Speaker 03

  And it's like.

• 12:55Stavros Halkias?

  Cause they're like, vitamins will heal you.

• 12:57Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 12:57Stavros Halkias?

  Vitamins.

• 12:58Speaker 03

  And I'm not working at the hospital anymore, I prefer sort of a private practice.

• 13:02Stavros Halkias?

  Yes, yes, yes, you'll get two, you'll get like the most competent nurse you've ever seen in your life trying to make an extra dollar, or you'll get someone who's like, medical, medical care has gone crazy.

• 13:12Speaker 03

  Right.

• 13:13Stavros Halkias?

  You know, this is so much better, I got into some, you know, I got into some scraps over at the ER, cause I, you know, it's just, just someone with a real backstory, or like, uh, you know, like, a, a lady who's been working in shock trauma forever, and to her, this is like a vacation. Giving rich people IVs that are mostly a placebo effect.

• 13:33Speaker 03

  Right.

• 13:33Stavros Halkias?

  Is basically like, oh, it was either this or try and put a baby's limbs back on to its body.

• 13:39Speaker 03

  Have you ever asked like a former like ER doctor or ambulance or EMT? Have you ever asked any of these people about their worst? Every time I meet someone like this, I'm always like, what's the worst thing you've ever seen? And it is always the worst thing you've ever heard. And then you're like, is it bad that I asked?

• 13:57Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, well, you like that kind of shit. That's, you're a fetishist.

• 14:00Speaker 03

  I'm quite disturbed by it, which is what intrigues me. I wanna know, yeah.

• 14:05Stavros Halkias?

  You do like gross shit. The special will have plenty of gross shit, folks.

• 14:09Speaker 03

  I kind of want you guys to do like a live unboxing of it right now. Like you just watching the opening package and then you, and then just going like this.

• 14:16Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, you're like, oh, what the fuck?

• 14:19Speaker 03

  Oh, that's interesting.

• 14:20Stavros Halkias?

  Holy crap.

• 14:21Speaker 03

  I think you might like the first two minutes.

• 14:23Stavros Halkias?

  I think I, well, I will like the special.

• 14:25Speaker 03

  I think you'll like the first, the first two minutes have something quite interesting that you might enjoy.

• 14:30Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, are there tits in it?

• 14:32Speaker 03

  There's a lot of tits in the special. Mine.

• 14:39Speaker 03

  But, nah, I'm not. I got an email after the special came out that was like, from HBO, that was like, were any of your real genitals shown? And I got to be like, those are not mine.

• 14:55Stavros Halkias?

  Not dangly enough.

• 14:57Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 15:00Speaker 03

  Those are not my real genitals, but there are genitals. Does that kind of, that's kind of, that's, that's quite interesting, isn't it?

• 15:06Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, I mean, we've, I do think there's a weird thing where you're not allowed to show real genitals, but you can show fake ones.

• 15:10Speaker 03

  Right.

• 15:11Stavros Halkias?

  Which is, again, we've talked about it, nauseam about let's start a cult. They wouldn't let me show my real balls. I'm still mad to this day.

• 15:17Speaker 03

  Wait, why?

• 15:18Stavros Halkias?

  Cause those were little not, I don't know, because you can't, you can't show real balls.

• 15:22Speaker 03

  But on what? Like on, on the streaming?

• 15:24Stavros Halkias?

  I don't even fucking, I guess, I don't know. Cause we're rated, we're, it's an unrated movie. We never got fucking rated. We made point one million dollars at the box office. It's not like, it's not like it was like a.

• 15:36Speaker 03

  By the way, for a second, I went, point one, oh.

• 15:40Stavros Halkias?

  I think it was a little more than that, but not much, folks. But yeah, I don't know. I guess because they wanted to sell it to a streamer, but it's like, well, then let me shoot it with my real balls and then swap them out. Have a Hulu cut.

• 15:53Speaker 03

  Right.

• 15:53Stavros Halkias?

  And have the director's cut.

• 15:55Speaker 03

  Oh, it's on Hulu!

• 15:55Stavros Halkias?

  It's on Hulu.

• 15:56Speaker 03

  Yeah, you can't have nuts on Hulu. Everybody knows that.

• 15:59Stavros Halkias?

  Why not?

• 16:00Speaker 03

  I feel like you-

• 16:00Stavros Halkias?

  I guess now it's Disney, you're right.

• 16:02Speaker 03

  And just like, I do-

• 16:04Stavros Halkias?

  Kinds of Kindness was on Hulu, which is hilarious.

• 16:06Speaker 03

  Is there nuts and balls in that?

• 16:08Stavros Halkias?

  Have you seen it? It's good.

• 16:08Speaker 03

  No.

• 16:09Stavros Halkias?

  You'd like it. And there's some wild shit in there.

• 16:11Speaker 03

  Oh, okay.

• 16:12Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 16:13Speaker 03

  I'm having a good time. But I got an IV the day of the special. And then when we were color correcting it, you know, we're like bumping the saturation up, whatever.

• 16:23Stavros Halkias?

  Let's make this jizz whiter.

• 16:25Speaker 03

  Well, this was the problem. When you saturate- I would, when you saturate things too much, the whites become yellow. So this became an interesting balancing act, which you'll see in the special.

• 16:38Speaker 03

  It was funny. It would be like, the labia, I feel like we're losing the labia in this. It's a lot of cutting around that, yeah, right.

• 16:48Stavros Halkias?

  That's fun.

• 16:49Speaker 03

  It was fun. But I got an IV that day and because of the color correction, we made all the reds really pop. And you can just see like a red oozing IV port for the whole special.

• 17:00Stavros Halkias?

  That's fucking hilarious. You didn't throw a little makeup on it?

• 17:03Speaker 03

  I just didn't. No one could. The halfway through my second show, I'm like, I'm on stage, I'm talking, I'm shaking my ass.

• 17:13Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 17:14Speaker 03

  All the lights break.

• 17:16Stavros Halkias?

  That happened at JP's, but we did it-

• 17:17Speaker 03

  Really?

• 17:18Stavros Halkias?

  We produced JP's special at the Bell House. The exact same thing happened to us. They kept going on and off.

• 17:23Speaker 04

  Did you do yours at the Bell House?

• 17:24Speaker 03

  That's what happened!

• 17:24Stavros Halkias?

  Are you fucking kidding me?

• 17:26Speaker 04

  Oh my god.

• 17:26Stavros Halkias?

  That happened again?

• 17:28Speaker 03

  Wait, when was this?

• 17:29Stavros Halkias?

  This was, I mean, last year.

• 17:31Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, no, that exactly happened. And I'm on stage going like-

• 17:34Stavros Halkias?

  That's crazy.

• 17:35Speaker 03

  And they had to pull me off for 20 minutes in the middle of like the special.

• 17:38Stavros Halkias?

  You know what's funny? That we were like, we just kept powering through it, but I wish we had stopped.

• 17:42Speaker 04

  We should have done that because-

• 17:43Speaker 03

  Why? Because you couldn't use the-

• 17:45Stavros Halkias?

  We could use it, but he was also crushing. It was the same thing where the second show's better. Every, JP was fucking destroying. And the special came out great, don't get me wrong. But we had to cut, and some of the jokes just, we got lucky with the timing, but some of them, it was like, it just fucking fucked up the back half of his second show.

• 18:02Speaker 04

  JP's a pro, but he went on for like 40 minutes like that and the lights were switching off like every six minutes or something.

• 18:09Stavros Halkias?

  That's insane that that happened again.

• 18:11Speaker 03

  It was, I went, I don't think, I'm not a Diva Deluxe, but I went.

• 18:16Stavros Halkias?

  No, I mean, that's insane.

• 18:17Speaker 03

  It was great. And also, we had to stop because.

• 18:19Stavros Halkias?

  That never hap- we do shows at the Bell House all the time. That's never happened once. The two specials that we've been involved with, that both happened.

• 18:27Speaker 04

  You know what's the worst part? After it was done, they like switched the lights on and off and that fixed it.

• 18:32Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 18:32Speaker 04

  And then it stopped doing that for like, the rest of the night while we were in there. It was fucked.

• 18:37Speaker 03

  Can they, maybe it's just like too much, cause, cause mine had, I have like crazy shit. So there's like carnival lights and like, I was like, oh, we're like overpowering the system.

• 18:49Stavros Halkias?

  You got fucked.

• 18:49Speaker 03

  You know, I, at the end of the day, ultimately, it was kinda good for me because Pepsi, Pepsi burp. Gimme reverb.

• 18:59Stavros Halkias?

  Mark that out.

• 19:02Speaker 03

  Hey, can you get that? They, the, the, the, um, um, um, because I'm like running around and like screaming and hyperventilating and sweating. I actually got to catch my breath.

• 19:13Stavros Halkias?

  Hmm.

• 19:15Speaker 03

  Cause they had a.

• 19:15Stavros Halkias?

  You seem like a more dynamic performer.

• 19:17Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:18Stavros Halkias?

  You seem like James Brown when you come back.

• 19:20Speaker 03

  I come back and all of a sudden it's like, well, I'm not James Brown. They wipe me off. I'm less sweaty.

• 19:24Stavros Halkias?

  True, true, true.

• 19:25Speaker 03

  But my, my director kept, all my jokes are like, I'm fucking ugly. I'm sweaty. I stink. And my director was like, I think we have to hose you down in the middle of the show because you're dry as a bone. And you're stunning, by the way. I know.

• 19:39Stavros Halkias?

  They should have missed you down.

• 19:40Speaker 03

  I know.

• 19:41Stavros Halkias?

  It's alright, this is the next one.

• 19:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, the next one.

• 19:43Stavros Halkias?

  Next one.

• 19:44Speaker 03

  Did you take a break after your special?

• 19:47Stavros Halkias?

  Not really. No, in fact, I really didn't too mu- like, the second one I did right after, we took a, I took a much longer break between, I'm currently working on the third one, um, and it, that's a, that's a longer, that was a much longer process. I mean, what, the, the last one came out when? Last summer? Was it? No, it was December. Oh, yeah. December 6th or some shit. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, December 6th, was that last year? Yeah. That was, it was just a year ago, damn.

• 20:14Speaker 03

  That's crazy.

• 20:15Stavros Halkias?

  That is kinda crazy.

• 20:16Speaker 03

  Take a break.

• 20:18Stavros Halkias?

  I thought I, I did, I know, that was, that was two years ago.

• 20:20Speaker 03

  Well, you did take a break, didn't you?

• 20:22Stavros Halkias?

  Kind of, I took like five months off. Wasn't it? No, I think it was two years ago.

• 20:26Speaker 03

  Cause since, since I did the show, I have not, um, I have no, ah, that's not true. I've mostly taken a break. I have no dates on the calendar.

• 20:34Stavros Halkias?

  But you're on fucking, you're on SNL. You have a job.

• 20:38Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's true.

• 20:40Speaker 03

  What?

• 20:40Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 20:41Speaker 03

  You're acting crazy.

• 20:43Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, you're fucking working for the man, dude. NBC Universal.

• 20:46Speaker 03

  It's kinda nice. Someone tells me where to go and what to do. Y'all jealous. You know who tells you where to go and what to do?

• 20:53Stavros Halkias?

  That's right. And he loves it. He's like, we're doing two podcasts tonight at 6:00 PM. I'm like, hey, Eldis, um, I know you plan getting dinner with your wife, who's only in town this week, but I kinda wanna do a podcast and immediately get high and I figure, what, are we gonna get high like friends? No, we're gonna record that and make that a podcast too. Uh, everything okay, little buddy? Let's do it.

• 21:16Speaker 03

  Oh, you guys are getting hot.

• 21:17Stavros Halkias?

  This episode is brought to you by Visible. The smartest upgrade this season isn't a new phone, it's a better wireless plan. Switch to Visible, the ultimate wireless hack. You get unlimited 5G data and unlimited hotspot powered by Verizon. We have Visible here at Stobby Baby Enterprises. We love it. We just got a new assistant. She loves it. She's taking all our sushi orders. They're going through the Visible network, brought to you by Verizon. It's fast, it's reliable, it's so sick. They sponsor the Stobies World hotline, as you know, and make it possible for us to help all our callers out. Oh my God, they're the best. Switch today at visible.com. The Visible plan starts at $25 a month, or get the Premium Visible Plus Pro Plan and save $10 on your first month with promo code STOV.

• 22:02Stavros Halkias?

  Terms apply.

• 22:03Speaker 05

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• 22:33Speaker 03

  Should I break my weed sobriety?

• 22:34Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, you wanna, you wanna, you wanna stay?

• 22:36Speaker 03

  It's tonight.

• 22:37Stavros Halkias?

  You wanna stay and do a podcast that'll come out before this one?

• 22:42Speaker 03

  And why would that be? Now, why would that come out before this?

• 22:46Stavros Halkias?

  It's a Patreon exclusive, Kush, Kushmas Brothers. It's already happened. Everyone's had a great time. Sarah was on it or she wasn't.

• 22:53Speaker 03

  Right.

• 22:54Stavros Halkias?

  We're not sure. Maybe she makes a quick appearance.

• 22:57Speaker 03

  Right.

• 22:58Stavros Halkias?

  It is fun. I don't know. Were you, were you, you were, were you ever a weed guy?

• 23:03Speaker 03

  I was a weed guy in college. I had a bomb.

• 23:06Stavros Halkias?

  Hell, yeah. What kind of bomb? Was it like a crazy one?

• 23:08Speaker 03

  It was like a crazy, like fat, short, thick bomb.

• 23:13Stavros Halkias?

  Love that.

• 23:13Speaker 03

  And I, and then it just, you just reached, I just experienced ego death on weed and I was like, weed is the hardest drug known to man and I will never do it again.

• 23:22Stavros Halkias?

  Mmm.

• 23:23Speaker 03

  And I haven't, I haven't smoked weed since I got crossfaded and watched Rap World before its release.

• 23:32Stavros Halkias?

  That's a time to do it.

• 23:33Speaker 03

  And I was like, and Jack was showing us a cut of Rap World and I was like...

• 23:38Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, that's a great thing to be stoned for, too.

• 23:41Speaker 03

  But I don't come back from weed.

• 23:43Stavros Halkias?

  What do you mean?

• 23:44Speaker 03

  I'm just, it, it...

• 23:45Stavros Halkias?

  You're just done?

• 23:46Speaker 03

  I'm just, I'm Googling heart attack. It's just, it's not good.

• 23:50Stavros Halkias?

  So you weren't, as a kid, though, you weren't, you never smoked weed, like, when you were, like, on Long Island?

• 23:55Speaker 03

  Not real, no, not really, no.

• 23:58Stavros Halkias?

  What were you doing? Did you ever act out? Did you ever act a fool?

• 24:02Speaker 03

  Um, I would, I was a head lifeguard.

• 24:09Stavros Halkias?

  Wow, okay, hell, yeah.

• 24:11Speaker 03

  I was a head lifeguard for five years.

• 24:14Stavros Halkias?

  Did you swim competitively in school?

• 24:15Speaker 03

  I, a little bit, yeah.

• 24:17Stavros Halkias?

  Just to save people's lives?

• 24:18Speaker 03

  And, well, when I was 16, my dad's like, you're getting your working papers. I don't care what it is. So then I just ended up being a lifeguard and it was like all the popular girls and the football players and the volunteer firefighters.

• 24:30Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, interesting.

• 24:31Speaker 03

  And...

• 24:32Stavros Halkias?

  Were there any lifeguard romances for you? Come on, dish.

• 24:38Speaker 03

  So like, I did like a little partying in high school because it was like all the hot life guards were doing it.

• 24:42Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, I'm one of them.

• 24:44Speaker 03

  Yeah, what's good?

• 24:45Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, this is pre this haircut.

• 24:47Speaker 03

  This is, no, I was.

• 24:49Stavros Halkias?

  You're rocking this hair, really?

• 24:50Speaker 03

  Not this haircut, but the rest is.

• 24:52Stavros Halkias?

  Something to throw people off?

• 24:53Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 24:54Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 24:54Speaker 03

  I was still throwing people, bitches off the scent.

• 24:56Stavros Halkias?

  You're trying to fucking, yeah, I got you.

• 24:58Speaker 03

  Yeah, I was still, you know, I'm wearing.

• 25:02Stavros Halkias?

  You're unique. You got, you're letting people know you're different. You're like, I'm not gonna let you get to know me. I'm gonna make it obvious by sight that I'm different.

• 25:10Speaker 03

  Dress like Grandma Yenta from The Nanny.

• 25:15Speaker 03

  Even though I'm 17 years old and you're gonna like it.

• 25:20Stavros Halkias?

  The nanny, what a show, what a show.

• 25:21Speaker 03

  I mean.

• 25:22Stavros Halkias?

  Fran Drescher that.

• 25:24Speaker 03

  I mean, that's the most stunning woman to ever live.

• 25:25Stavros Halkias?

  Insane.

• 25:26Speaker 03

  That's the most stunning woman to ever live.

• 25:27Stavros Halkias?

  It's like her, it's like she's the Jewish version of Marisa Tomei.

• 25:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 25:31Stavros Halkias?

  The Italian version and it was like.

• 25:33Speaker 03

  But Jews and Italians, parallelogram is on a square, you know.

• 25:36Stavros Halkias?

  Sure, sure, sure.

• 25:37Speaker 03

  It's kind of the same thing.

• 25:38Stavros Halkias?

  Italians would be pissed to hear that, but you're right.

• 25:41Speaker 03

  You guys like, we have the same female arm hair.

• 25:44Stavros Halkias?

  Hmm, interesting. That is true. I mean, Greeks, Greeks and Italians, there's a closer line there as well. I think you're picking up on the tri-state sort of like that, that type of Jewish girl is very similar to, it's really just being from Jersey or Long Island. It's really what you're talking, is having dark, being a brunette from Jersey on Long, or Long Island is what you're talking about, but we digress. You're dressing like the nanny or the nanny's mom, who was a great character.

• 26:13Speaker 03

  Yeah, exactly. And she was basically like the Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys of the nanny.

• 26:18Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they had the gay butler and the uptight girlfriend of the, of the guy.

• 26:26Speaker 03

  This is why you're a queer icon.

• 26:29Stavros Halkias?

  I love that show.

• 26:30Speaker 03

  It's legit funny.

• 26:31Stavros Halkias?

  It's legitimately very funny. It holds up fully.

• 26:34Speaker 03

  She's, again, the most stunning woman I've ever seen.

• 26:36Stavros Halkias?

  She's so hot, too.

• 26:37Speaker 03

  She's wearing full head to toe neon Moschino. Every episode, she's wearing Todd Oldham. She looks fucking amazing. Best episode, Lamb Chop makes an appearance.

• 26:44Stavros Halkias?

  I was a big Lamb Chop guy. I was a big, I know, I know, yeah, it's, I loved Lamb Chop. Until that whole Hanukkah episode.

• 26:52Speaker 03

  You love Jewish women. You do.

• 26:54Stavros Halkias?

  I do, yeah, yeah.

• 26:55Speaker 03

  Sherri Lewis, Jewish woman.

• 26:57Stavros Halkias?

  I like, well, I do, I mean, look, Jew, Jew, comedy Jewish people.

• 27:02Speaker 03

  Right.

• 27:03Stavros Halkias?

  It's just like, of course.

• 27:04Speaker 03

  Right.

• 27:04Stavros Halkias?

  I'm all in there. And there is, there is something too, that what you said earlier about the like, like the dark haired, loud mouthed, Greek women are sort of like that too. So it's like, I, I get, I got right into that. And there was something, and I went to, I went to Baltimore City Public Schools, and so the only like, white kids were like, it was like mostly Jewish, Jewish kids.

• 27:27Speaker 03

  So like, not even white, right, guys?

• 27:29Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 27:30Speaker 03

  Right, guys?

• 27:31Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're working on that. We're working on not, you guys not being white anymore. It's about halfway. It's loading.

• 27:41Speaker 03

  I got something too, right, guys?

• 27:43Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, you especially. I look at you, I'm like, that's not a white person. Fucking dressed in clown pants.

• 27:50Speaker 03

  You know, and I, I was like, if I show up in a blonde wig and a tank top.

• 27:56Stavros Halkias?

  You would have crushed it. I would respect you. I'd be like.

• 27:58Speaker 03

  There wouldn't even be a conversation about what I look like. You would be like, love the special, uh, watch the whole screening.

• 28:08Stavros Halkias?

  You guys have got to check the special out. I mean, this is some of the funniest stuff I've ever seen.

• 28:15Speaker 03

  Sam, I real, I fucked up. I was like, ah, it's a whole thing.

• 28:19Stavros Halkias?

  Next time you have to, you have to have, your next appearance has to be Sarah Normal.

• 28:23Speaker 03

  If I showed up to this like, white. Freezing cold apartment in the middle of Manhattan.

• 28:28Stavros Halkias?

  It gets a little hot under the lights.

• 28:29Speaker 03

  In a blonde wig and a little skirt. It would, that's, that, I would have felt like I'm in a porno. This is porn, this is porn set. This is porn lights.

• 28:38Stavros Halkias?

  It is.

• 28:38Speaker 03

  Porn couch.

• 28:39Stavros Halkias?

  Mm-hmm. This is- Me and Eldis definitely don't have a, he doesn't look like the guy behind the camera. I don't look like, I don't look like the producer slash on-camera talent. Alright, we're doing Ron Jeremy, but his dick is small. You know the problem with Ron Jeremy? That dick is just too unapproachable.

• 28:55Speaker 03

  It's a bug.

• 28:55Stavros Halkias?

  Most guys check out, but they want him to be fat. They want him to look exactly like him, but with a dick that's a third the size.

• 29:02Speaker 03

  You know, Ron Jeremy, at least he showed his fucking nuts on TV.

• 29:05Stavros Halkias?

  That's true.

• 29:06Speaker 03

  What's your damage, dude?

• 29:07Stavros Halkias?

  I'm, I try, again, I tried to show my nuts. I tried.

• 29:11Speaker 03

  Right.

• 29:12Stavros Halkias?

  And I actually tried, like, to the point where people were like,

• 29:14Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 29:15Stavros Halkias?

  Like, I was gonna, like, I didn't, I didn't care if it was a closed set. I was like, I don't fucking care. Everybody can look at my nuts.

• 29:20Speaker 03

  Oh my god, no, this is the breakfast scene. This is the breakfast scene.

• 29:23Stavros Halkias?

  And I was like, I was, pretty, like, I did realize, like, oh, doing a movie is having a job and it's kinda like being in an office. Cause I had the prosthetic nuts and I was just going up to, like, the DP and be like, "Hey dude, check this out." And he's like, "Ah!" Like, he hated it. And I was like, "Uh, uptight."

• 29:42Speaker 03

  Right, there's an HR department.

• 29:43Stavros Halkias?

  I'm going like the hair and makeup ladies. I'm like, "Check out these fucking nuts, gals." And they're loving it, but, cause they're cool.

• 29:50Speaker 03

  Right, right.

• 29:51Stavros Halkias?

  But yeah, there were people, the, the sound guy didn't like it. Wait, they weren't, by the end-

• 29:55Speaker 03

  Well, you made the mic your nuts.

• 29:57Stavros Halkias?

  I made, I was like, "Can you write down the seam? Can you hide, can you hide the mic right in the seam? My balls will envelop it."

• 30:06Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, that's right. You need to do more seam work.

• 30:09Speaker 03

  Seam work.

• 30:10Stavros Halkias?

  Nut seam work, you know what I mean?

• 30:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 30:13Stavros Halkias?

  That's something I, that's like what I'm writing, that's me writing for you is like a gag about, somebody's like balls, like, the balls like turning inside out from the seam.

• 30:22Speaker 03

  I've done that.

• 30:23Stavros Halkias?

  Okay, will I take it back?

• 30:24Speaker 03

  And I used, uh, chicken skin.

• 30:26Stavros Halkias?

  Great minds. That's a great call.

• 30:28Speaker 03

  And I slashed open the nutsack and the balls were eyeballs.

• 30:31Stavros Halkias?

  I actually, you know what? I've seen that.

• 30:37Speaker 03

  You know, I think about testicular torsion every day of my life.

• 30:39Stavros Halkias?

  Wow.

• 30:40Speaker 03

  I have phantom balls. Cause you know, you just, do you ever just like think about what it would be like to just have big, huge tits?

• 30:49Stavros Halkias?

  Um, not really.

• 30:50Speaker 03

  I think about, I just can't imagine that you would be-

• 30:55Stavros Halkias?

  I wanna, I wanna, I, I don't wanna be attracted to myself.

• 30:59Speaker 03

  Right.

• 30:59Stavros Halkias?

  You know what I mean? If I had big juicy tits on my body, that would piss me off.

• 31:03Speaker 03

  You'd never leave the porn mansion.

• 31:03Stavros Halkias?

  No, it would just be weird. I wouldn't like that at all.

• 31:06Speaker 03

  I just can't imagine sitting down and there's nuts there.

• 31:09Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah. I, I do envy how aerodynamic women sitting, how aerodynamic women sitting down is. There's never, yeah, not worried. I've sat on my nuts. It's horrible. You know?

• 31:21Speaker 03

  Like if you were to just like plop down.

• 31:24Stavros Halkias?

  And I'm also worried like-

• 31:25Speaker 03

  Would your nut, where are your nuts when you do that?

• 31:27Stavros Halkias?

  It's possible that your nuts could be, if you're not wearing the right underwear, they could, you could sit on your balls. Uh, Mr. Belfedir, the, famously-

• 31:35Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 31:35Stavros Halkias?

  Sat on his own balls so hard, they had to delay production for like three days. They shut down production.

• 31:41Speaker 03

  Uh huh.

• 31:41Stavros Halkias?

  Um, and I, I also envy women never have like, cause presenting your dick is also a nerve wracking moment. If your dick's not looking, you know what I mean? Like you, you don't wanna pull out a soft ass, little ass dick.

• 31:53Speaker 03

  That stinks.

• 31:54Stavros Halkias?

  Bringing it out, I'm always a little, you know, for the first time, you wanna be fluffed up. Women don't, women don't have that.

• 32:00Speaker 03

  I don't have amazing boobs.

• 32:02Stavros Halkias?

  Sure, sure, sure.

• 32:03Speaker 03

  Hey.

• 32:04Stavros Halkias?

  It's not the same though. We're talking, it's not the same. Cause everyone, everyone at least like, it's like, everything is kinda outwardly, the dick is a big surprise that matters, right? Whereas like everyone, by the time you're about to fuck a lady, you've kind of, you've thought about it quite a bit. You know what I mean?

• 32:22Speaker 03

  And it's not gonna be a curve ball in a way that it could be.

• 32:25Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, like you, exactly, exactly.

• 32:27Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 32:28Stavros Halkias?

  So, but you know, whatever. That's-

• 32:30Speaker 03

  But I don't have penis envy or anything like that. I just have ball. I'm ball curious.

• 32:38Stavros Halkias?

  They are fun.

• 32:38Speaker 03

  I'm just curious.

• 32:40Stavros Halkias?

  In terms of genitals and sexual organs, they are the goofiest.

• 32:43Speaker 03

  Right.

• 32:44Stavros Halkias?

  Almost the most innocent ones.

• 32:46Speaker 03

  Right.

• 32:47Stavros Halkias?

  Balls are actually pretty funny and getting kicked in the ball, like as a kid, like you'll mention your balls.

• 32:54Speaker 03

  Right.

• 32:54Stavros Halkias?

  As like a little kid in a way that you would never like, like no one's talking about like getting kicked in the dick or pussy as a kid. But they're talking about getting kicked in the balls.

• 33:02Speaker 03

  Right.

• 33:02Stavros Halkias?

  Like that's something that's ever present, I think. And you don't necessarily need to involve them in sex.

• 33:08Speaker 03

  Right.

• 33:09Stavros Halkias?

  So they can just be innocent bystanders to the whole thing.

• 33:12Speaker 03

  They're almost, they're almost like, it shouldn't be the Achilles heel, it should be the Achilles ball.

• 33:17Stavros Halkias?

  The Achilles ball.

• 33:18Speaker 03

  Because they're more, they are.

• 33:19Stavros Halkias?

  That is the most vulnerable. Achilles should have been on all fours and his sacks should have been swinging low. And fucking, they should have fucking hit it just like that.

• 33:29Speaker 03

  And see, now I'm thinking about the torsion. That could just happen.

• 33:32Stavros Halkias?

  Your nuts gets, uh.

• 33:34Speaker 03

  They swap.

• 33:34Stavros Halkias?

  A good friend, a good friend of the podcast has had his ball, when as a little kid, had his balls all turned up.

• 33:41Speaker 03

  And I, did you, I have phantom pain. I know exactly what it feels like.

• 33:46Stavros Halkias?

  You think you know what it feels like? I don't think you do.

• 33:49Speaker 03

  I felt it. I ju, did you see that? I felt it.

• 33:52Stavros Halkias?

  I don't, the ball.

• 33:52Speaker 03

  I'm such an empath. I really am. I really am. I just know what it feels like.

• 33:57Stavros Halkias?

  Sure, sure.

• 33:59Speaker 03

  It's a shooting pain that goes up like through, like I feel, I felt.

• 34:03Stavros Halkias?

  Shooting is right.

• 34:04Speaker 03

  Like an electric blue jolt.

• 34:07Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, there's a jolt to it, but there's also a numbness that lasts too long, you know? It's ball pain really is the weirdest, there's gotta be an equivalent. I don't know what it is, but.

• 34:18Speaker 04

  When you have some ball pain, there's like a kind of consistent feeling of like you need to adjust your underwear and you just can't. And that makes you like feel a little crazy. You know what I'm talking about?

• 34:29Stavros Halkias?

  Not really. That's the craziest thing to do.

• 34:31Speaker 03

  But you can have ball, just ball pain, like, oh, my balls hurt.

• 34:35Stavros Halkias?

  Not really. It's either really intense or, you know.

• 34:38Speaker 03

  And they get sticky.

• 34:40Stavros Halkias?

  They do, they can get sticky, sure, in the, in the heat. They elongate, you know, if it's hot. That's what I'm saying. The Trojan War, it was probably hot out there.

• 34:49Speaker 03

  Right.

• 34:49Stavros Halkias?

  Achilles worked up, worked up a sweat. His nuts are probably hanging low.

• 34:53Speaker 03

  Right.

• 34:53Stavros Halkias?

  And the older you get, that is a funny aspect too. Old guys' balls hanging low as hell.

• 34:59Speaker 03

  What do you need them for?

• 35:01Stavros Halkias?

  You can't cut your nuts off, but we could figure out ways to, why not nutsack rejuvenation? You know?

• 35:07Speaker 03

  Oh, on the skin.

• 35:08Stavros Halkias?

  Why not the way like people's fucking get their, get a facelift, get a nut lift?

• 35:12Speaker 03

  Can you wear just a sack hammock?

• 35:15Speaker 04

  Great question. You probably could.

• 35:18Speaker 03

  Do they make sack hammocks?

• 35:20Stavros Halkias?

  Sharks, what we have for you today.

• 35:23Speaker 03

  And for that reason, I'm in.

• 35:26Stavros Halkias?

  A bidding war.

• 35:27Speaker 03

  They have to have invented this.

• 35:29Stavros Halkias?

  I think I have seen something, if your, if your nuts are injured, you can kind of have like a, look that up, Eldis, like a nut sling. You had some ball issues. You had one giant homunculus nut for a while.

• 35:42Speaker 04

  Yeah, it was pretty fucked up. I had a, I had a UTI that turned into like a ball nightmare.

• 35:47Stavros Halkias?

  Listeners know, Eldis, you know, we don't have to.

• 35:49Speaker 03

  Sarah, Sarah is an active listener, who is, you know?

• 35:52Speaker 04

  Basically, I got like epididymitis, which made my left nutsack like big as a lemon, like crazy swollen. Like I was really scared.

• 36:01Stavros Halkias?

  It enveloped his dick.

• 36:01Speaker 04

  Yeah. It like, it like got so big, it pushed like my, my dick skin up and like my dick just disappeared within me.

• 36:10Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, it got so big, it made his dick disappear. So it was at least four centimeters big. Fuck you.

• 36:16Speaker 04

  It was fucked up. Fuck you.

• 36:18Speaker 03

  Ooh, how, what's epididymitis?

• 36:21Stavros Halkias?

  It doesn't matter.

• 36:22Speaker 04

  I don't even know exactly.

• 36:23Stavros Halkias?

  Some kind of, some kind of ball infection from a yeast infection.

• 36:26Speaker 04

  Thankfully, I passed, I passed, you know, it passed, but maybe that's what I'm.

• 36:30Stavros Halkias?

  How are your nuts? Let's do a little check in. Are your nuts normal, you think?

• 36:32Speaker 03

  Did you have to wear a skirt for a week?

• 36:34Speaker 04

  I still.

• 36:35Stavros Halkias?

  He wore a kilt. He pretended to be Scottish.

• 36:37Speaker 04

  I could weirdly like walk through it. It wasn't that intrusive when I was walking, but.

• 36:41Speaker 03

  The size of a lemon.

• 36:42Speaker 04

  It was, it got like crazy, like scary huge.

• 36:45Speaker 03

  You were ball pregnant.

• 36:46Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 36:46Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, his nut was out of control.

• 36:49Speaker 04

  Yeah, it was fucked up.

• 36:50Stavros Halkias?

  He was podcasting through it though, a real true, again, he knows where his bread is buttered. He wasn't as.

• 36:56Speaker 03

  Mr. Stavi, I'm sorry, I'm late. Do you need any twisted tea, Stavi?

• 37:04Speaker 04

  Will I put a hemorrhoid pillow down on the fucking producer's chair?

• 37:10Stavros Halkias?

  Riff, Eldis, I don't care if your nuts hurt. Riff right now.

• 37:16Stavros Halkias?

  Interesting, yeah, so you have not MVP, well, maybe one day, you should get some like, I should have kept the prosthetics and given them to you to wear.

• 37:23Speaker 03

  I've made balls of my own.

• 37:25Stavros Halkias?

  Okay, so you've know, you know.

• 37:26Speaker 03

  But I've never, it's not the same.

• 37:29Stavros Halkias?

  I get you, sure, it's not.

• 37:30Speaker 03

  Just curious.

• 37:31Stavros Halkias?

  Now, going back to, you know, let's get back to being a lifeguard, you know, maybe you saw some balls in one of these, in one of those bikini briefs, maybe you were.

• 37:40Speaker 03

  I, lifeguard, lifeguard party, lifeguard, so cool, all the athletes, whatever, whatever. The quarterback of the football team.

• 37:50Stavros Halkias?

  Wow.

• 37:51Speaker 03

  Asked me out.

• 37:52Stavros Halkias?

  Wow.

• 37:53Speaker 03

  And I said, no, no, no.

• 37:56Stavros Halkias?

  Wow.

• 37:57Speaker 03

  And then everybody's like, Sarah, you're not gonna do better than that. Just go out with him, it's just, and I was like, I don't know, I'm not into him.

• 38:07Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 38:08Speaker 03

  No disrespect, he was bald at 16, no disrespect.

• 38:11Stavros Halkias?

  Why are you looking at me when you say that? I don't understand what you mean.

• 38:15Speaker 03

  No disrespect, he was bald, and he was no disrespect, he was short, no one's short here. And it just, we weren't really vibing.

• 38:23Stavros Halkias?

  The quarterback was bald and short?

• 38:25Speaker 03

  Jewish team on Long Island.

• 38:27Stavros Halkias?

  That's insane.

• 38:28Speaker 03

  It's a Long Island football team, it's a Jewish Long Island football team. You would think there's a Jewish Adonis on Long Island.

• 38:36Stavros Halkias?

  I don't know, maybe, who knows?

• 38:37Speaker 03

  But I just, I don't, I literally was like, oh, like, he's a jock, like, I'm an artist.

• 38:45Stavros Halkias?

  I got my eye on the stage manager of the fucking, of the, of the theater department, that was you.

• 38:51Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:51Stavros Halkias?

  You're like, I don't want this guy.

• 38:53Speaker 03

  I was, I was like.

• 38:54Stavros Halkias?

  I want the guy who's helping do quick changes for.

• 38:56Speaker 03

  Yeah, I, I, well, I had my eyes on the English teacher.

• 39:02Stavros Halkias?

  Hell yeah, was he a young English teacher?

• 39:05Speaker 03

  He had a red and white beard and he would smoke a pipe in his car in the parking lot. And he would wear Snoopy ties to, and then, um, uh, me and my best friend Emily would watch him smoke his pipe in his car and be like, God, that must be what like professors are like.

• 39:28Speaker 03

  So he, uh,

• 39:29Stavros Halkias?

  Wow, no vice?

• 39:30Speaker 03

  I've held on to the fact that the quarterback asked me out in high school.

• 39:34Stavros Halkias?

  But also, he's five, six and bald.

• 39:37Speaker 03

  I know, but I got to hang my hat on that. For, I'm still hanging my hat on it.

• 39:41Stavros Halkias?

  But you didn't even so much as jerk his little dick off or anything?

• 39:45Speaker 03

  No, because again, he was a jock. I wasn't gonna jerk off a jock.

• 39:51Speaker 03

  I was really like that.

• 39:52Stavros Halkias?

  I believe you. I totally believe you.

• 39:54Speaker 03

  I was like, I was Raka, he was a jock.

• 39:57Stavros Halkias?

  Right, right. She, yeah, he was a skater boy.

• 39:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, exactly.

• 40:00Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, you said, see you later.

• 40:02Speaker 03

  I wonder like, yeah, I've thought about it so much.

• 40:06Stavros Halkias?

  About this particular guy?

• 40:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:08Stavros Halkias?

  This, this is a sliding doors moment in your life?

• 40:10Speaker 03

  I've just-

• 40:10Stavros Halkias?

  If you get fingered by the, by a bald 16 year old, how does your life change?

• 40:15Speaker 03

  Would it have just been different?

• 40:16Speaker 04

  I'm, I'm imagining Sarah saying no when he asked her out and then the end of the night at that party is like the end of Carrie. You're just like covered in pig's blood and that's where Sarah's worm was born.

• 40:29Speaker 03

  He makes the fucking fire hose spray me with diarrhea.

• 40:37Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah. Do you think it'd be different? You think you would be like teaching theater? And he'd have like in a small accounting firm on Long Island?

• 40:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:44Stavros Halkias?

  You think you would just, cause it's true. You could just channel this into dressing like the nanny.

• 40:49Speaker 03

  Right.

• 40:50Stavros Halkias?

  There is a Long Island version of you that's a, a housewife.

• 40:55Speaker 03

  I've never in my, I swear, I swear to God, never-

• 41:01Speaker 03

  In my life, has that idea even crossed my mind?

• 41:05Stavros Halkias?

  But it doesn't, I didn't, I didn't think about it until now, but it's like, that is sort of like that loud dressing.

• 41:11Speaker 03

  Yes, that entirely informed where she would talk about on the show how she would shop at Filene's basement. I, so I would make my aunt go to Filene's basement. She wore a head to toe Moschino, so it's like, that was the one designer I knew about.

• 41:25Stavros Halkias?

  Sure.

• 41:26Speaker 03

  I would, I would, I would do, I'd do anything for her. I'd fucking anything. She ate wasabi on the show. I tried wasabi at the sushi place. That was my girl.

• 41:36Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 41:37Speaker 03

  That's a put, and put some fucking respect on her name. Sag President, former Sag President.

• 41:42Stavros Halkias?

  Negotiated the new deal.

• 41:43Speaker 03

  Exactly.

• 41:45Stavros Halkias?

  Now we got Rudy, now we got fucking Sean, whatever his name, uh.

• 41:49Speaker 03

  You should run for Sag President.

• 41:51Stavros Halkias?

  Me? I've been in one movie, I've been in, what, yeah, two, one real movie. And it's, I started calling it a real movie.

• 41:58Speaker 03

  Another one that's coming out.

• 41:58Stavros Halkias?

  And another, I guess three movies. I guess I was in an HBO movie, four movies.

• 42:02Speaker 03

  HBO movie.

• 42:03Stavros Halkias?

  I'm an HBO streamer. I was, I did one scene where I'm the weird guy on the bus for a rom com between like 22 year olds.

• 42:11Speaker 03

  Put some respect on this thing. Put some fucking respect on this thing.

• 42:14Stavros Halkias?

  Shout out to Sweethearts.

• 42:15Speaker 03

  Oh!

• 42:16Stavros Halkias?

  Caleb here and plays a college freshman in that.

• 42:21Stavros Halkias?

  It's him, Kieran and Shipka and Nico, I forget Nico's last name, but two 24 year olds and Caleb.

• 42:29Speaker 03

  If at any time, an audition comes across my desk, and they do, and please keep sending them. Please, I'll do full frontal, I don't care. Much to stop's dismay. I'll do full frontal, I'll do full backel, I'll do anal, I'll do anything. Anytime an audition comes that's like, whatever, 30s, I'm like, can we not?

• 42:52Stavros Halkias?

  What's this about?

• 42:53Speaker 03

  What's this about?

• 42:54Stavros Halkias?

  I can play 28.

• 42:58Speaker 03

  I bet, I, oh, there, I, my agent called our agent.

• 43:03Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, okay.

• 43:05Speaker 03

  And I, there was a movie that I've been.

• 43:07Stavros Halkias?

  Remind me to get a new agent.

• 43:10Speaker 03

  There's a movie.

• 43:10Stavros Halkias?

  They're clearly not working for people.

• 43:14Speaker 03

  There's a movie I really wanna be. Movie I really wanna be in. He's like, yeah, the director's telling me there's no parts for you. And I'm like, what do you mean? He's like, well, it takes place in a high school. I go, I'll do a high schooler. And he was like, oh, you mean, I'm like, yeah, I can do it.

• 43:32Stavros Halkias?

  You thought you were gonna play a student or like a teacher?

• 43:36Speaker 03

  I wanna be in the movie so badly that I was like, put me in, coach, for a high schooler. And he had to legit, he had to be like, oh.

• 43:45Stavros Halkias?

  Come on. Look, I know my job is to lie to you.

• 43:48Speaker 03

  Right.

• 43:49Stavros Halkias?

  But you're stretching that.

• 43:50Speaker 03

  Right.

• 43:51Stavros Halkias?

  I'm an immor, my whole job is immoral and it's about, uh, uh, lying to my clients and pretending I think hi- higher of them when really they're just a means to 10% of a check and I don't really care.

• 44:03Speaker 03

  And the whole agency is somehow, what, the money, we don't know, the, listen, bleep, cut this out.

• 44:12Stavros Halkias?

  No, this is gonna stay in. But the, but, but even, you are stretching even my ability to make, to pump you up delusionally.

• 44:19Speaker 03

  I feel like I could.

• 44:21Stavros Halkias?

  You think you can play a high school student?

• 44:24Speaker 03

  Hear me out, hear me out, hear me out. Hear me out. There, hear me out. Some teenagers today vape a lot.

• 44:35Stavros Halkias?

  Okay.

• 44:35Speaker 03

  So I think.

• 44:37Stavros Halkias?

  Right.

• 44:38Speaker 03

  That vaping causes early onset skin aging.

• 44:43Stavros Halkias?

  Like if a kid grew up in a smoke stack or something and vaped all the time, you could maybe play her.

• 44:50Speaker 03

  Right.

• 44:50Stavros Halkias?

  Right, right, right, right.

• 44:52Speaker 03

  Maybe she's a chimney sweep.

• 44:54Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, she's a chimney sweep and aged her prematurely and everyone's like, oh, look, there's fucked up face Sarah.

• 45:00Speaker 03

  Right, exactly.

• 45:01Stavros Halkias?

  The dumb bitch who's 16 but looks so fucked up. Yeah, you could play that.

• 45:05Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:05Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 45:06Speaker 03

  Like, I mean, Serena the Teenage Witch, she was like 30.

• 45:10Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, I guess.

• 45:11Speaker 03

  And the cameras were blurry, which brings me to, right, like my special.

• 45:15Stavros Halkias?

  Your fear, your fear of the blur. Oh, it all comes back.

• 45:18Speaker 03

  Well, TV used to be blurry. That was just-

• 45:22Stavros Halkias?

  Everything wasn't high def.

• 45:23Speaker 03

  Right, and I think we don't need to see, porn studio, these don't need to be so-

• 45:30Stavros Halkias?

  I agree, sometimes-

• 45:30Speaker 03

  We don't need to be seeing all that.

• 45:32Stavros Halkias?

  I agree, yeah.

• 45:33Speaker 03

  And if the cameras were less porn cameras, then I could be playing 16, my role, you know what I'm saying?

• 45:41Speaker 03

  Hey, that's what it used to be. TV was blurry, you could get it, Buffy was, well Buffy was young, but-

• 45:46Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 45:47Speaker 03

  Right.

• 45:47Stavros Halkias?

  When I think Buffy, when I think, when I think Sarah Michelle Gellar while playing Buffy-

• 45:53Speaker 03

  Right.

• 45:53Stavros Halkias?

  I'm like, who, which one of my friends reminds me the most of her? Sarah Sherman.

• 45:58Speaker 03

  I just could use, I could use the Irishman filter.

• 46:04Speaker 03

  That's right. I could smooth-

• 46:06Stavros Halkias?

  I mean, you did, you've already gone through this, though. You played a rabbi.

• 46:10Speaker 03

  And it said, I'm not kidding, it said on the thing, Rabbi 30s. And I went, do we have to rub it in?

• 46:17Stavros Halkias?

  And to be fair, though, when I saw that, I was like, huh, that's weird.

• 46:21Speaker 03

  That I was-

• 46:22Stavros Halkias?

  For a second, I thought that.

• 46:23Speaker 03

  Because I was so young.

• 46:24Stavros Halkias?

  But then I was like, oh, no, of course.

• 46:26Speaker 03

  But because I was-

• 46:27Stavros Halkias?

  But listen, knee jerk, I was like, Sarah's playing a rabbi? She's too young. And then, but then my senses caught up to me and I was like, wait, no. Of course she's not. That's like, that's also what I'm going through. I'm like, I'll never play a young person on camera. I just played, I just played a guy who was like, a few years older than Jesse Plemons. Jesse is a year older than me. You know what I mean? I'll, I'll always, I will never, I'll play like dads, I'll play fucked up old guys.

• 46:53Speaker 03

  Right.

• 46:54Stavros Halkias?

  You know, and that's fine. That's our lives.

• 46:57Speaker 03

  I'm a comedian, okay? First, above all else, at the end of the day, God's honest truth, I am on this planet to attempt to extract laughter. Attempt. It's not always gonna happen, but I'm gonna attempt.

• 47:13Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 47:14Speaker 03

  Do I just get a, do I just get a lower facelift?

• 47:18Stavros Halkias?

  No, you look great. Stop, stop fishing.

• 47:22Speaker 03

  But no, no, no, no, no, this is not, I'm saying, I'm talking brass tacks here. You're a hustler, you're in grindset mindset.

• 47:28Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 47:29Speaker 03

  I'm just saying, if I, if, if acting bag is maybe wanna try to do some acting bag-

• 47:35Stavros Halkias?

  Right.

• 47:35Speaker 03

  I'm just, I'm just talking business.

• 47:38Stavros Halkias?

  No, no, no, no.

• 47:39Speaker 03

  Right.

• 47:40Stavros Halkias?

  First of all, I wouldn't start with a facelift.

• 47:45Stavros Halkias?

  I got a couple of ideas we can start with.

• 47:47Speaker 03

  I've seen some facelifts and I go.

• 47:48Stavros Halkias?

  No, shut the fuck up.

• 47:50Speaker 03

  That, I go, but that.

• 47:52Stavros Halkias?

  You're so stupid, it's crazy. The fact that you think that's what's holding you back is a fucking thing. You think you're gonna get hot vixen roles if you get a facelift?

• 48:03Speaker 03

  That's not even it. I just wanna play a high schooler in a.

• 48:08Stavros Halkias?

  No, you're never gonna play, you can play a high school fucking assistant principal.

• 48:12Speaker 03

  Right.

• 48:13Stavros Halkias?

  You know, you could do that.

• 48:14Speaker 03

  But stay for longer.

• 48:16Stavros Halkias?

  You don't need a facelift, dummy.

• 48:17Speaker 03

  But I'm gonna, when the cameras stop rolling, I'll tell you guys the movie and then you'll be like, get a facelift tomorrow.

• 48:25Stavros Halkias?

  First of all, you're just not gonna be in the movie. So let's just.

• 48:28Speaker 03

  I'm not, I'm not above begging.

• 48:31Stavros Halkias?

  I know.

• 48:31Speaker 03

  If I see a director of a movie on the street, I'd be like, hey, I'm free.

• 48:36Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 48:36Speaker 03

  I don't care.

• 48:38Stavros Halkias?

  Whatever the movie is.

• 48:39Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:39Stavros Halkias?

  The facelift doesn't get you in the movie. I promise you that.

• 48:43Speaker 03

  True.

• 48:43Stavros Halkias?

  You're going up there, it's fucking botched, you do it real fast.

• 48:46Speaker 03

  That, if I got botched, it would be amazing.

• 48:48Stavros Halkias?

  You would love that.

• 48:49Speaker 03

  I would.

• 48:50Stavros Halkias?

  You would love to get botched, plastic surgery.

• 48:52Speaker 03

  I tried to get like nipples on my ass and I got, my butt's green now, can't sit down.

• 48:57Stavros Halkias?

  No, no, no, you're too, you're not, you shouldn't get surgery, that's stupid. I am curious though.

• 49:03Speaker 03

  But you, you're a turncoat because you got a tooth.

• 49:07Stavros Halkias?

  Tooth, I think it's a little different.

• 49:09Speaker 03

  No, everyone.

• 49:11Stavros Halkias?

  Than a facelift at fucking thirty, whatever, however old you are.

• 49:14Speaker 03

  Yeah. But you all, you, all of us said, bro, you, all your day ones, all your ride or dies said, it's working.

• 49:24Stavros Halkias?

  I loved having no tooth. I loved it, I really did. But it did get to a point where I was like, alright, I guess I'll have a tooth.

• 49:31Speaker 03

  Is this the one that's chipped?

• 49:32Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 49:33Speaker 03

  It's.

• 49:34Stavros Halkias?

  The fake one is chipped. I didn't fix it.

• 49:36Speaker 03

  What are you doing to that tooth that it just came?

• 49:38Stavros Halkias?

  I don't know, I woke up one day and it was chipped. I swear to God, I chipped it in my sleep. I remember looking in the mirror and being like, what the fuck?

• 49:44Speaker 03

  What are you doing to that one tooth?

• 49:48Stavros Halkias?

  I think I was grinding.

• 49:49Speaker 03

  I grind my teeth so hard that I have bone growths inside of my mouth, under my tongue.

• 49:53Stavros Halkias?

  I believe that.

• 49:54Speaker 03

  From grinding and clenching. Do you clench all day?

• 49:58Stavros Halkias?

  I'm better about it, I think I was really stressed at the time.

• 50:00Speaker 03

  Right. It's lips together, teeth apart.

• 50:04Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, really?

• 50:05Speaker 03

  All day I clench my teeth so hard.

• 50:07Stavros Halkias?

  Interesting.

• 50:08Speaker 03

  I've ground mine down.

• 50:09Stavros Halkias?

  You look stupid as fuck doing that, Eldis.

• 50:14Stavros Halkias?

  Well, I am still curious about lifeguard Sarah, though. I'm curious about Sarah on...

• 50:19Speaker 03

  I am...

• 50:20Stavros Halkias?

  Who, so, did you ever, okay, you fetishized the teacher.

• 50:23Speaker 03

  Right.

• 50:24Stavros Halkias?

  Did you ever, like, do the classic move of dating some, some fucking guy like 10 years older than you or something?

• 50:29Speaker 03

  No.

• 50:30Stavros Halkias?

  You never did?

• 50:31Speaker 03

  I like went, in high school, I went on a couple of dates with a guy who was 30.

• 50:35Stavros Halkias?

  In high school?

• 50:36Speaker 03

  In high school.

• 50:37Stavros Halkias?

  That's not what I asked.

• 50:41Stavros Halkias?

  What the fuck?

• 50:41Speaker 03

  And he...

• 50:42Stavros Halkias?

  How did this happen?

• 50:44Speaker 03

  Um, cuz...

• 50:46Stavros Halkias?

  The internet, I'm guessing?

• 50:48Speaker 03

  No, no.

• 50:48Stavros Halkias?

  How did you meet a 30-year-old and you were in high school?

• 50:52Speaker 03

  He was like friends with my friends, like maybe he wasn't 30.

• 50:57Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, he's like, either way.

• 50:59Speaker 03

  He felt, he felt 30 and he took me out to bubble tea and his wallet was his cigarette case and he goes to pay, he opens his cigarettes and he goes to pay for the bubble tea and he was like, can you spot me?

• 51:09Stavros Halkias?

  No! Oh my god!

• 51:12Speaker 03

  And then, ever, I never dated older dudes after that cuz I was like, I found out young that they were losers.

• 51:19Stavros Halkias?

  Right.

• 51:20Speaker 03

  I was like...

• 51:21Stavros Halkias?

  Let me tell you something, anyone who's not in high school, who's trying to date a girl in high school, is a piece of shit.

• 51:26Speaker 03

  Right, but I, we, girls usually don't find that out until they're older.

• 51:32Stavros Halkias?

  But I feel like if you're dating someone, I think you find that out in col-, like, college is the first time that's acceptable.

• 51:40Speaker 03

  Right.

• 51:41Stavros Halkias?

  And it's, it still can be weird. High school, he is a criminal.

• 51:45Speaker 03

  Right.

• 51:45Stavros Halkias?

  Like, that guy 100% has committed statutory rape.

• 51:48Speaker 03

  Right.

• 51:49Stavros Halkias?

  You know, like, fully 100%.

• 51:50Speaker 03

  Or did he just have amazing taste?

• 51:55Stavros Halkias?

  No.

• 51:56Speaker 03

  Head lifeguard? I was the head lifeguard.

• 51:59Stavros Halkias?

  Head lifeguard, you're rejecting the, you're like, I can't fucking date the, the high school quarterback.

• 52:05Speaker 03

  I'm a fucking artist.

• 52:06Stavros Halkias?

  I gotta, I gotta date the fucking manager at fucking Bennigan's.

• 52:10Speaker 03

  I don't even know, I don't think he had a job.

• 52:13Stavros Halkias?

  Where, so he was just, he was a guy who hung, who partied with high schoolers and you knew him socially?

• 52:18Speaker 03

  He had gone to our high school.

• 52:20Stavros Halkias?

  And he still kept tabs on the underclassmen?

• 52:25Speaker 03

  There, I can't even like tell you the truth because it's like, I can't deal with your ridicule.

• 52:30Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, you, you have to, come on.

• 52:32Speaker 03

  Of course I was on my high school improv team.

• 52:37Stavros Halkias?

  Ah, ah, you knew him through, he was an alumnus of your high school improv team?

• 52:44Speaker 03

  I don't even know if he was an alumnus, or he was just like a-

• 52:48Stavros Halkias?

  He was a fan? Oh my fucking god, you dated a pedophile improv fan?

• 52:59Stavros Halkias?

  That's fucking incredible. But that's awesome, cuz you did, you like, just went on it, you literally courted him and you're like, not for me. Which is funny.

• 53:08Speaker 03

  I said, something's amiss.

• 53:09Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, good for you.

• 53:10Speaker 03

  I said, something's amiss here, and then I was a-

• 53:13Stavros Halkias?

  He's just checking out the shows, some 24 year old, let's not say he's not 30, that's, 24 is still crazy.

• 53:20Speaker 03

  We were doing the shows at like, a local hotspot, the basement of the public library.

• 53:28Stavros Halkias?

  He's getting dropped off by his mom.

• 53:30Speaker 03

  He was so cool.

• 53:31Stavros Halkias?

  She wore his mom-

• 53:32Speaker 03

  He had a beard.

• 53:32Stavros Halkias?

  Wow, the beard, did he smoke a pipe? But he smoked cigarettes.

• 53:37Speaker 03

  He did smoke cigarettes.

• 53:39Stavros Halkias?

  You wanted bearded and tobacco user as a child, that's what, that's what you were jacking off to.

• 53:44Speaker 03

  I was like, cuz I was Raka, I was Raka chick.

• 53:47Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 53:48Speaker 03

  And then I was a lifeguard, and growing up on Long Island, pretty much everyone's good at swimming, cuz you're on an island, you just get like, kinda tossed in with your baby.

• 53:57Stavros Halkias?

  That's true, everyone who I've just met had just good at, John Gabris also was a lifeguard. He's the man.

• 54:04Speaker 03

  We are very similar, he and I, from what I hear.

• 54:07Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, you don't know Gabris?

• 54:09Speaker 03

  I've done his Long Island podcast.

• 54:11Stavros Halkias?

  Hell yeah.

• 54:12Speaker 03

  He had a Long Island character podcast.

• 54:14Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, Gino Lombardo.

• 54:15Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 54:17Stavros Halkias?

  I mean, Gabris is fucking hilarious.

• 54:19Speaker 03

  He's awes- awesome. I, you never-

• 54:23Stavros Halkias?

  Uh, Stavvy's World fans have just enjoyed the Stab- uh, Christmas special. Oh fuck, maybe we shouldn't give it away if this comes out before.

• 54:31Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 54:31Stavros Halkias?

  Well-

• 54:32Speaker 03

  You have a Christmas special?

• 54:33Stavros Halkias?

  We'll tell you about it afterwards, Gabris is involved.

• 54:35Speaker 03

  Thanks for the invite.

• 54:36Stavros Halkias?

  Or, or we've told you, or we told you a week after, we don't know.

• 54:41Speaker 03

  Who's the best guest you guys have?

• 54:43Stavros Halkias?

  Ooh, not you. Let's start right there.

• 54:47Speaker 03

  I always check in after my, my episode comes out. I go, did they like you? He goes, no.

• 54:51Stavros Halkias?

  No, you are, they do like you dumbass.

• 54:54Speaker 03

  Yeah, but we're like the best guests.

• 54:56Stavros Halkias?

  You're in the top tier, I would say. You've been, you've been on it a bunch.

• 55:01Stavros Halkias?

  I don't know. We've had a ton, every, we, all the episodes are pretty good. We've, we've had some heaters. I mean, we love the Are You Garbage Guys, Caleb, Soder.

• 55:09Speaker 03

  Caleb.

• 55:10Speaker 04

  Blake Griffin was awesome.

• 55:12Stavros Halkias?

  Blake was awesome.

• 55:12Speaker 04

  He was like ready to riff more than like.

• 55:14Stavros Halkias?

  Blake's the man. Blake's funny as shit. He's great on TV too. He's on Amazon this season.

• 55:18Speaker 03

  I had a long day of press.

• 55:20Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, Blake was, I gotta say Blake is a lot, was a lot funnier than you're being on this fucking episode.

• 55:25Speaker 03

  I'm here, watch my HBO special. I don't care. Lose my number. Don't come visit me at work. I don't care.

• 55:32Stavros Halkias?

  Sydney's a classic.

• 55:33Speaker 03

  Sydney? Oh.

• 55:34Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, anyway.

• 55:35Speaker 03

  So I was a lifeguard, but on Long Island, you don't have to like, you never, I never really had to save anyone. Cause everyone was pretty good at swimming. Like kids would just go like face down in the kiddie pool and you're just like pulling them off by the back of their shirt. Um, and then one day I was, stop me if you've heard this before, because this is, I'm having a memory of telling this story.

• 55:55Stavros Halkias?

  Telling it on this podcast?

• 55:56Speaker 03

  No, just telling it.

• 55:58Stavros Halkias?

  Go ahead, who cares?

• 55:59Speaker 03

  So there was a, a girl, fully clothed, this big maybe.

• 56:05Stavros Halkias?

  Mm-hmm, a child.

• 56:06Speaker 03

  A child. And she made eye contact. I'm on the, I, I was, um, watching the diving board area, the deep end.

• 56:18Speaker 03

  So pretty cool.

• 56:19Stavros Halkias?

  It's where they put the big guns.

• 56:20Speaker 03

  Yes, so fucking.

• 56:22Stavros Halkias?

  And you were in the classic red one piece.

• 56:24Speaker 03

  I'm in the classic red one piece. With the little bandana, Sandlot style, had my little, you know? And she makes like eye contact with me and she's moving very slowly and she's not blinking and she's just staring at me. And I was like entranced by this child. And she had me totally hypnotized. And then she starts walking like in slow motion, like to full clothed and I'm, she was wearing socks and shoes. And slow motion while making eye contact with me, walks. Off the diving board, does not

• 56:57Stavros Halkias?

  In clothes.

• 56:58Speaker 03

  In clothes and shoes, does not hop into the water. Slow motion walks off the diving board as if the diving board continued through space.

• 57:07Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, interesting.

• 57:09Speaker 03

  But she, it was all slow motion and she was

• 57:11Stavros Halkias?

  Kind of like, she's almost miming or clowning or something.

• 57:13Speaker 03

  Yes, she was one of the sexy LA clowns.

• 57:16Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, Charlie Chaplin style.

• 57:18Speaker 03

  And she was making eye contact with me and I was like so bewitched by this. And she goes in the water.

• 57:24Stavros Halkias?

  She outfitted you?

• 57:25Speaker 03

  Slow motion and then she just starts going like this.

• 57:29Stavros Halkias?

  Under the water?

• 57:30Speaker 03

  No, like, uh, like

• 57:31Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, gets up.

• 57:32Speaker 03

  Like, and then goes like this and I was like so like entranced. And so I just start waving back. And then immediately another live crowd is like, "Shut up!"

• 57:45Stavros Halkias?

  She's signaling for help. You're like, "Hey buddy, that was cool."

• 57:49Speaker 03

  Who runs the water? Yeah, because you don't make noise when you're drowning.

• 57:52Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, really?

• 57:53Speaker 03

  Because all of your reserves and air are for breathing. So you never make noise if you're actually drowning.

• 57:59Stavros Halkias?

  Why did she do that? Did you talk to her afterwards?

• 58:02Speaker 03

  The child?

• 58:03Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 58:03Speaker 03

  She was

• 58:04Stavros Halkias?

  Like, how old are we talking? Like, five?

• 58:06Speaker 03

  This bit, like, you, I, I don't even

• 58:09Stavros Halkias?

  A little kid who didn't understand what she was doing, basically.

• 58:11Speaker 03

  I'm, that's like my one, uh, my one experience of like, maybe that was a ghost or like a skinwalker.

• 58:19Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 58:20Speaker 03

  It was so

• 58:21Stavros Halkias?

  Something bizarre.

• 58:22Speaker 03

  Something

• 58:22Stavros Halkias?

  Overtook this child.

• 58:23Speaker 03

  But, and that was my one chance to save someone in five years.

• 58:26Stavros Halkias?

  And you didn't do it?

• 58:27Speaker 03

  And I didn't do it.

• 58:28Stavros Halkias?

  Somebody else jumped in?

• 58:29Speaker 03

  Somebody else jumped in and saved her.

• 58:30Stavros Halkias?

  That's insane.

• 58:31Speaker 03

  Because I was bewitched. I was like, "Hello." She, or she was like on a, like a death, she had a death drive. And she was emanating, like, she was like, "Don't save me." And I was like, "Okay."

• 58:44Stavros Halkias?

  I'll respect your wishes, spirit. You want to go back, you want to go see your husband from your last life?

• 58:49Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 58:50Stavros Halkias?

  Sometimes kids are connected to some weird shit.

• 58:53Speaker 03

  When they're born and they can like speak Chinese or something?

• 58:55Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, I just think babies loving old people to me is a little bit like One's on the way out, one just came in. I, I, the older I get, the more I believe in some weird shit like that.

• 59:05Speaker 03

  Well, but then all

• 59:06Stavros Halkias?

  Because babies and old people are like friends. In a way they're like.

• 59:10Speaker 03

  And BBC ghosts. They're always like, ah.

• 59:13Stavros Halkias?

  I agree. I think that she goes to. Or some shit. They're, they got, they got access to something.

• 59:20Speaker 03

  Eee, and then what do we do? We send them to school.

• 59:23Stavros Halkias?

  Right.

• 59:24Speaker 03

  We say, we beat the imagination right out of them.

• 59:27Stavros Halkias?

  Yep.

• 59:28Speaker 03

  Did you, have you seen ghosts?

• 59:30Stavros Halkias?

  No. Have you?

• 59:32Speaker 03

  I took a picture in Salem, Massachusetts.

• 59:36Stavros Halkias?

  Whoa, yeah, that you definitely saw one there. I mean, shut up. Salem, you had a ghost experience, you fucking idiot? Wow.

• 59:45Speaker 03

  I was like.

• 59:47Stavros Halkias?

  Was it flying on a broom?

• 59:49Speaker 03

  Thirteen. I was like thirteen. I took a picture of a house on my little cam, on my little like whatever camera.

• 59:55Stavros Halkias?

  Film or digital?

• 59:57Speaker 03

  Uh, digital. And I'm like, ooh, spooky house. Looked at the picture and I saw a smear.

• 1:00:02Stavros Halkias?

  Whoa.

• 1:00:04Speaker 03

  And I remember being like.

• 1:00:06Stavros Halkias?

  Your fucking hundred twenty dollar Canon definitely caught spirits.

• 1:00:10Speaker 03

  Forty dollar Target Canon.

• 1:00:14Speaker 03

  I remember just being like, I possess something mystical in my camera. So dramatic.

• 1:00:21Stavros Halkias?

  I'm too good for the, yeah, I'm too good for the, the jocks my age. I'm, I'm in touch with the spirit realm. I have to date a forty year old English teacher.

• 1:00:33Speaker 03

  Brag of the century, quarterback turned him down.

• 1:00:35Stavros Halkias?

  Turned him down.

• 1:00:36Speaker 03

  Did the head cheerleader ask you out, bitch? I don't think so. Fuck you. Fuck you.

• 1:00:40Stavros Halkias?

  No, no. No, we really got nothing going high school wise.

• 1:00:46Speaker 03

  Not, class clown?

• 1:00:48Stavros Halkias?

  Uh, yeah, I was, people liked me, of course, but I just, I was too nervous to talk to a girl, like to talk to a girl.

• 1:00:54Speaker 03

  Uh, the, when I was head lifeguard, I was in love with this one head lifeguard, Andrew Brash. Look it up, Andrew.

• 1:01:02Stavros Halkias?

  Andrew, you blew it.

• 1:01:04Speaker 03

  You blew it.

• 1:01:04Stavros Halkias?

  You blew it, Andrew.

• 1:01:06Speaker 03

  He drove me home one day in his convertible. And yeah.

• 1:01:10Stavros Halkias?

  In high school? The guy you were in love with drove you home in the convertible? You must have thought you were in fucking Clue's.

• 1:01:16Speaker 03

  Yeah. And I was like, "Hi." Get off the black leather seat. Swamp ass and pussy puddle. So big. And I just fucked closed the door. Wow, God. And we both, and I'm like, God, and I just, yeah. I can now never forget.

• 1:01:34Stavros Halkias?

  You don't think he, you think he was interested? And you blew it, or you just?

• 1:01:38Speaker 03

  No, I.

• 1:01:39Stavros Halkias?

  He was just giving you a ride home and?

• 1:01:40Speaker 03

  He was just giving me a ride home. I was so nervous that I sweat so much. That there was a full Rorschach test on the seat. It was just like a full, like, Slimer ectoplasm. Sweat, my ass sweat so fucking hard.

• 1:01:59Stavros Halkias?

  He's like, "How is the pussy print bigger than the ass print?"

• 1:02:04Stavros Halkias?

  How is that physically possible?

• 1:02:05Speaker 03

  Did a moose take a shower and step in my car? Damn.

• 1:02:12Stavros Halkias?

  Uh, well, look, channel some of these. This is good. Maybe we have, maybe we have some questions about, uh, you know, making yourself, I don't know, attractive to the opposite sex. Uh, some things about youth, you know? Sarah's very in touch with, she's basically a high schooler.

• 1:02:28Speaker 03

  Right.

• 1:02:29Stavros Halkias?

  Uh, and so we're gonna take some calls. Of course, the special is out on HBO. Sarah Squirm, Live in the Flesh.

• 1:02:38Speaker 03

  You know, and this will be interesting to see if this podcast moves the needle at all. We'll find out, like, what kind of cultural relevancy and impact this podcast really has. And if it doesn't move the needle at all, I'll, I'll never come back. You'll never hear from me.

• 1:02:55Stavros Halkias?

  Here's what I want you to do, folks. Cancel your HBO Max subscriptions and tell them it was because of Live in the Flesh.

• 1:03:04Speaker 03

  And again, no genitals were actually shown.

• 1:03:06Stavros Halkias?

  No real pussies or dicks were shown.

• 1:03:08Speaker 03

  No dicks.

• 1:03:09Stavros Halkias?

  No dicks at all?

• 1:03:10Speaker 03

  No.

• 1:03:11Stavros Halkias?

  Wow, what the hell?

• 1:03:12Speaker 03

  Of course not.

• 1:03:13Stavros Halkias?

  Come on, dude. Oh shit.

• 1:03:16Stavros Halkias?

  Why, why is this playing? I just looked at, sorry, I was looking at a picture of my nephew and-

• 1:03:21Speaker 03

  I left.

• 1:03:23Stavros Halkias?

  I mean, he's the man. What's going on, Eldo?

• 1:03:29Stavros Halkias?

  A little more room in case he wants to do crowd work on the fucking podcast some more? He wants to do act outs again?

• 1:03:35Speaker 03

  No, no.

• 1:03:35Stavros Halkias?

  I mean, he's, he's so fucking-

• 1:03:37Speaker 03

  Oh, oh.

• 1:03:39Stavros Halkias?

  He's so fucking cute.

• 1:03:40Speaker 03

  I love when they put them in the little suit.

• 1:03:42Stavros Halkias?

  Ah, yeah, they got, he's, he's dripped the fuck out.

• 1:03:44Speaker 03

  How old is that?

• 1:03:45Stavros Halkias?

  He is, um, ten or eleven months. Yeah.

• 1:03:51Speaker 03

  Oh, he's not even one.

• 1:03:52Stavros Halkias?

  He's not even one. He's not even one.

• 1:03:55Speaker 03

  I want to hold a fucking baby so fucking badly.

• 1:03:57Stavros Halkias?

  He's the man. It's, it's fucking awesome. The uncle mode, awesome.

• 1:04:02Speaker 03

  How often do you go there?

• 1:04:03Stavros Halkias?

  Um, I've, I would check in, like, I've probably seen him, like, I don't know, every, every couple of months, maybe?

• 1:04:11Speaker 03

  There in Baltimore?

• 1:04:11Stavros Halkias?

  I'm gonna spend some time, yeah. I'm gonna spend some time in the, I would have gone and seen him more recently, but I'm, you know, the holidays, I'm gonna really put some hours in with the boy. I'm excited. He's the man. Uh, hopefully I'll see him a bunch this year.

• 1:04:25Speaker 03

  You smell his little head. Is there another one, or that's their only one?

• 1:04:29Stavros Halkias?

  Uh, that's my brother's kid and my, my best friend, she has two babies now.

• 1:04:33Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 1:04:34Stavros Halkias?

  And they're awesome. One of them, he's like, he's like, I guess, three probably? Is, is, is the little, is the number one stunner, is he three? Perhaps to be, right? I think so. But yeah, he's like a little guy. He has like, he loves fucking aquatic shit.

• 1:04:51Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 1:04:51Stavros Halkias?

  He'll talk to you about Finding Nemo for a long time.

• 1:04:53Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 1:04:54Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, it's really cute. Um, all right, Eldo, play us some calls.

• 1:05:04Stavros Halkias?

  I think that's coming from your computer.

• 1:05:07Stavros Halkias?

  Dumbass.

• 1:05:09Speaker 03

  Stop. And?

• 1:05:14Speaker 03

  And?

• 1:05:16Stavros Halkias?

  Come on, dummy.

• 1:05:21Stavros Halkias?

  Nice, he's unplugging something and plugging it back in. You know he has no idea if this will work or not, he's just desperate and hoping.

• 1:05:30Stavros Halkias?

  Let's see.

• 1:05:31Speaker 03

  You looked like a genius when you were doing that.

• 1:05:33Speaker 06

  Stop.

• 1:05:34Stavros Halkias?

  Wow.

• 1:05:36Speaker 06

  Hey, so.

• 1:05:37Stavros Halkias?

  Classic.

• 1:05:38Speaker 06

  Never called in before.

• 1:05:39Stavros Halkias?

  And I want to say, you unplugged two things, so you weren't really sure which one it was.

• 1:05:44Speaker 04

  I didn't just plug and unplug. I switched the plug order.

• 1:05:49Stavros Halkias?

  Wow.

• 1:05:50Speaker 04

  On the USBs.

• 1:05:50Stavros Halkias?

  Okay.

• 1:05:51Speaker 04

  I think that's happened before.

• 1:05:54Speaker 03

  And the speaker is, by the way, like a Bed Bath & Beyond shower speaker?

• 1:06:00Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, we're just getting started. This show barely makes any money.

• 1:06:03Speaker 03

  Right. I can see Central Park from here.

• 1:06:07Speaker 04

  It travels well.

• 1:06:10Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, we shouldn't have a travel one and one for this studio. Anyway, go ahead, Eldis.

• 1:06:16Speaker 05

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• 1:06:46Speaker 07

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• 1:07:15Speaker 06

  Stop. How's it going? Hey, so, uh, never called in before. Have kind of a unique situation. So, my wife's little cousin came into town and was visiting us for a week. And, uh, he's a young kid, twenty-four years old. Uh, we're both roughly about ten years older than him. And he goes on to tell me that he's dating this girl that's

• 1:07:45Stavros Halkias?

  Nice.

• 1:07:46Speaker 06

  A couple of years older than both of us. So she's in her mid to late thirties.

• 1:07:50Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, wow. Okay.

• 1:07:51Speaker 06

  And basically, he ends up getting a phone call a couple of days ago while he's at, while he's staying at our house visiting,

• 1:08:00Speaker 06

  from his girlfriend that he has not been dating that long, who's, you know, twelve, thirteen years older than him, that she is pregnant.

• 1:08:08Stavros Halkias?

  Ooh.

• 1:08:09Speaker 06

  And he promised me, uh, that I wouldn't tell anybody. And he's very much freaking out.

• 1:08:19Speaker 03

  You're telling her thousands of people.

• 1:08:19Speaker 06

  And I'm a father. I've got a four-year-old at home. And, uh, I don't really know how to help the kid. I just told him that I was going to be there for him. But wanted to see your take on this.

• 1:08:31Stavros Halkias?

  My take?

• 1:08:32Speaker 06

  Thanks. Have a good one, my friend.

• 1:08:34Stavros Halkias?

  How fast can you get the Planned Parenthood? That's my fucking take. You ki- I mean, is this lady gonna have the ki- she's gonna have a kid with a fucking twenty-four-year-old?

• 1:08:42Speaker 03

  Well, it's a geriatric pregnancy. She's probably like, this is the last, I don't know.

• 1:08:48Speaker 03

  I wouldn't know. I'm eighteen, so.

• 1:08:53Stavros Halkias?

  Um, fuck, dude. So I thought there was gonna be some resolution. He's just, how do I help this kid? I mean. Yeah, it sounds like they- Get him a fake passport. Get him to Ecuador.

• 1:09:08Speaker 03

  By the way, you're always like, Sarah, you're so sex negative.

• 1:09:11Stavros Halkias?

  Yes. This is what happens.

• 1:09:14Speaker 03

  Exactly.

• 1:09:15Stavros Halkias?

  You've never been, you've never been in danger of getting pregnant.

• 1:09:19Speaker 03

  My life.

• 1:09:21Stavros Halkias?

  You've had sex, it's been like, seven condoms have been worn?

• 1:09:25Speaker 03

  It's more likely that I will get to succular torsion than pregnant.

• 1:09:31Stavros Halkias?

  Um, uh, yeah, this is brutal stuff. This kid's so, so fucked. Um, okay, first of all, what do, what are they gonna do here? I guess she's gonna ha- I mean, we, I sup- my hunch is that they're gonna have the kid, right? Otherwise, what you do is tell him you'll pay for a fucking abortion. I mean, what are we talking about here? This is fucking insane. He just started dating her? And this is the problem, look. Dating someone older, you, they're the one who's supposed to know not to get fucking preg- like,

• 1:10:15Stavros Halkias?

  is he blasting inside this lady? This poor fucking kid. Lady is the cougar in the relationship, it's up to you. Are you trying to get knocked up by this kid? I guess she was.

• 1:10:26Speaker 03

  That's what I, that's what I'm thinking. Is she wants to be pregnant?

• 1:10:30Stavros Halkias?

  Fuck. I would say, I mean, look, if this, if, if, go ahead.

• 1:10:39Speaker 03

  I mean, what, maybe they've talked about it?

• 1:10:44Stavros Halkias?

  Look, it seems like, obviously, you know, uh, it's her call what she wants to do here. He can advocate for himself, but maybe he even wants to get, I don't fucking know. I'm get, I'm putting my coastal elitist, eighth godless views, uh, I don't see it as a baby, so sue me. It's fucking, it's a bunch of, it's a little g- it's like jizz plus the first month or so. You know what I mean? But anyway.

• 1:11:10Speaker 03

  When there's bones, it's like.

• 1:11:11Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, believe me. I'm the wrong guy for this conversation. People are gonna get pissed at me.

• 1:11:17Speaker 04

  He did say the kid is freaking out, so it's not like the kid is like, open, let it, let it come. Like, I think he's like, what the fuck am I gonna do?

• 1:11:24Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, well, step one is you have to have a conversation with, I mean, this is great that we're fucking releasing this. He probably called it a month ago, it's coming out in a month and a half. This kid's gonna be fu- he's gonna be hosting a baby shower by the time we fucking, this call comes out. Um, but, we will give advice in good faith. First things first, you gotta have the, so what's the plan? Conversation, that's number one. Uh, and if the plan is, you know? That we gotta, we gotta stop this, then you need to support that in any way, shape or form you possibly can. If the plan is, I'm keeping the fucking kid, I wanna have this kid.

• 1:12:07Stavros Halkias?

  Like, he's just kinda fucked here and uh, look at it like supporting him through any tragedy. I mean, it'd be, look, it'd be different if he'd be dating her for a while, but it's like, getting someone you just started dating pregnant and she's older than you. Not that that really matters, it's really just the how, that they're not in a serious, like, you wanna have a kid with somebody you barely fucking know?

• 1:12:34Speaker 03

  Wait, she's 34, he's 24, what is this?

• 1:12:37Speaker 04

  Probably more like 36, 37, based on the math, yeah.

• 1:12:40Speaker 03

  I wouldn't date a 24-year-old if I'm my age, which is much, much younger than 37.

• 1:12:48Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, I mean, that's insane. And it's like, even for her, it's like, lady, fuck this 24-year-old, get a couple, get some youthful dick up in ya, but you're gonna have a kid with him?

• 1:13:00Stavros Halkias?

  How do you support him? I don't know, you just kinda support him anyway, you can't, you gotta be there for him?

• 1:13:04Speaker 03

  Financially, he's gonna need it.

• 1:13:06Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, I mean, help him get a fucking job? I don't fucking know, dude, this is a tough one.

• 1:13:11Speaker 04

  It sounds like the caller's wife is not in the loop, I think you gotta...

• 1:13:13Speaker 03

  He sounds like he's on a walk.

• 1:13:16Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. He's far away, he can't, yeah, he can't have, he can't take this call in his, in his house. Yeah, I mean, the wife's, listen, he promised not to tell anybody, we're past that.

• 1:13:27Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:13:28Stavros Halkias?

  This is not, this is like, let's get all fucking hands on deck. I may have overcorrected by opening the window, it's getting cold even for me, I think.

• 1:13:36Speaker 04

  Should I close it?

• 1:13:37Stavros Halkias?

  Uh, probably. Are you cold? No, I'm like, everything hurts. Okay, I thought you were, then we can keep it.

• 1:13:46Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, first of all, this is an all hands on deck situation. This is not a keep a secret from your wife because her, her little cousin is embarrassed. He nutted in a fucking 37 year old he met, you know, at Girls, wherever the fuck he met her. I don't know. At his improv show, she was in the, she was in the audience.

• 1:14:05Stavros Halkias?

  You gotta get her in the mix. You gotta figure this out as a family. And yeah, depending, I think you have to calm him down so he can rationally go through this. And the order of operations is, what are we gonna do?

• 1:14:18Speaker 03

  You're gonna have to be a big grandparent.

• 1:14:21Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, and if, if the thing is we're keeping the kid, it's like, alright, well, get a job, start saving money. Also, he, you have to talk him through what he wants. He can say like, look, I've liked dating you, but this is crazy. I'm fucking 24. I don't want to be a dad. If we want to do this, we should, and then he has to decide, does he stay with her? Does he say, you know what? We can't be in a relationship. I'll obviously help financially, but it's like, hey, this is the rare time where it's like, we had, take him to court. What are you gonna fucking get? What is the child support gonna be? Fucking $18 a month? Fucking kid doesn't even, he's a college student or whatever the fuck he is, or he works somewhere. I don't know where he works, but that's the thing, dude. You just gotta walk him through it and just manage his, how bad he's freaking out because

• 1:15:07Stavros Halkias?

  if I was the, I was, I've had some scares, let's say. We never got, it never got crazy, but I remember in college, my college girlfriend thought she might be pregnant and I did not rise to the occasion. I was like, ah, ah, I was like, no, no, and I think at that moment, she was like, I can't, this is over. This relationship's over. Like, that's how he deals with crisis? I was, I literally was, I was wearing a hoodie and I was like, oh. I literally did that. I was like, oh no. It didn't end up, it was just whatever. She was just kinda paranoid. But I showed my true colors as a 21 year old who was not able to handle that situation. And he probably can't handle the situation, so you just need to

• 1:15:51Stavros Halkias?

  take his emotional blows so that he can now think as rationally as possible. Cause he's gonna need all his, all his wits about him to, to get this, to figure this out.

• 1:16:02Speaker 03

  My worst fear is that I'm pregnant. This is my recurring nightmare.

• 1:16:06Stavros Halkias?

  You never want kids. No.

• 1:16:08Speaker 03

  No. My recurring nightmare is I'm nine months pregnant and I'm like, how did this happen?

• 1:16:12Stavros Halkias?

  Even though that is kind of in, in a horror, in a body horror way. Pregnancy is the most body horror, natural thing possible.

• 1:16:19Speaker 03

  And then my body horror nightmare mind gives birth to the frozen ice baby with wires coming out of its head. Every time.

• 1:16:31Speaker 03

  How's that?

• 1:16:32Stavros Halkias?

  Interesting, interesting. Uh, and that's why you take a vow, you've taken a vow of celibacy.

• 1:16:36Speaker 03

  Exactly.

• 1:16:38Stavros Halkias?

  So yeah, I'm sorry, brother. That's all you can do is just fucking uh, be a sounding board, help him work his way through the order of operations. Uh, and yeah, get your, I mean, your wife needs to know about this. This is crazy. This is not like, this is not like, I smoked weed in your car. Can we get it detailed before she finds out? He might have a child. Dude, fuck. Yeah. That shows you how not prepared for having a kid he is. He's like, don't tell my, don't tell my big cousin. He's worried about getting in trouble. He should be worried about the life he's about to bring into this world. And how that's gonna impact, and you know what?

• 1:17:21Speaker 03

  Maybe he's gonna like it.

• 1:17:22Stavros Halkias?

  That, that's the thing. I, I was gonna say either way is fine. Like he'll be, because he has a kid. Sometimes I'm like, damn, if I would've fucking knocked somebody up in my twenties, I'd have a fucking 15 year old or some shit by now. I'd be done parenting. I would've done a bad job, but I'd be done. You know what I mean? Like, uh, we'd go to, we'd be watching, you know, we'd be going to 4DX movies together by now. I'd be babysitting on tour. Oh, yeah. I'd be in the green room. He would be our intern. He would be our intern. That would be awesome. Fuck.

• 1:17:54Speaker 03

  Oh shit.

• 1:17:56Stavros Halkias?

  Should I have a kid? So we can have an, so we can have free labor? Real, real immigrant shit. Have your fucking kid. So I can have an intern in 17 years?

• 1:18:05Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:06Speaker 03

  Rich men can do whatever they want.

• 1:18:09Stavros Halkias?

  I know, it actually is.

• 1:18:10Speaker 03

  You could have a kid, it wouldn't even affect you at all.

• 1:18:14Stavros Halkias?

  I know, I actually was thinking about, I remember when I was in my mid twenties, because my mom was like, when are you gonna get married? I was like, Liz, you want a kid, I can get you a kid. But you're gonna, I literally was like, do you want a raise? Like, I'll get you a kid, you got a raise? And she was like, no. She was like, no, I'll help with it. But yeah, sorry dude, I don't know. We've exhausted ourselves here. Uh, good luck. But yeah, it's basically, how does he handle it going forward? Is he prepared? He's probably not prepared to be a dad, if that's what's on the table. And does he really want to stay with this woman? And if not, figuring out what his life looks like, where he can kind of be a co-parent to a, you know, a cougar.

• 1:18:54Speaker 04

  Get him a Patreon subscription, he can call into a live show.

• 1:18:57Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, gift him a Patreon subscription, he can call in and get him to be a part of the Discord.

• 1:19:00Speaker 04

  We could help him sort it all out.

• 1:19:01Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah. Um, he could start pretending like he's mentally ill to her, like, you should be like, hello? Uh, oh, oh, I'm sorry, uh, Jack got out of his home. Oh no, did you? Uh, he can pretend to be sane for a little bit, but just convince this woman.

• 1:19:25Speaker 03

  For two and a half months or however long they've been dating.

• 1:19:26Stavros Halkias?

  He's got about two and a half months before the schizophrenia kicks in. Oh yes, we've just institutionalized him, yes, yes. Uh, well, I'm sorry you had to find out this way. Uh, glad you're not with his child, I mean, his jizz is rotten and the kid will come out, ree bee, you know? Whatever. You could do that, you could try and say he's mentally unstable, or that he has some kind of genetic, rare genetic disorder that will get passed down.

• 1:19:57Speaker 03

  Right.

• 1:19:58Stavros Halkias?

  You know, that's something you could lie to this lady about, but either deceit or supporting him through this, those are your two options. Next question, Eldis.

• 1:20:07Speaker 08

  Please, Davi, Eldis, and guests.

• 1:20:10Stavros Halkias?

  Thank you.

• 1:20:11Speaker 08

  So I have a smelly sibling.

• 1:20:15Stavros Halkias?

  Smelly sibling.

• 1:20:16Speaker 08

  They're forty years old.

• 1:20:17Stavros Halkias?

  Forty!

• 1:20:18Speaker 08

  And have developed... A bad habit a pretty long time ago of not caring about personal hygiene.

• 1:20:25Stavros Halkias?

  Good Christ.

• 1:20:26Speaker 08

  Um, or maybe not realizing that they smelled. They would take off their shoes in the house and you can smell their foot odor right away. Um, they kind of smell like body odor and incense.

• 1:20:37Stavros Halkias?

  Incense?

• 1:20:38Speaker 08

  So my husband and I are gonna go out of town for four days. And my sibling who lives about four hours away is gonna come help my parents. Who we just lived down the street from. To take care of our kids and our dog while we're gone.

• 1:20:53Speaker 03

  No, but gets in the.

• 1:20:54Speaker 08

  So I thought I'd offer up our house for my sibling to stay in. So it won't be too chaotic in my mom's tiny house and everyone can have their own bed. Um, my dad is a lot and so I just thought that my sibling would appreciate sleeping somewhere else. Um. They're super sweet. They've always offered to let us stay with them anytime we go visit over there. Um, they're very considerate and caring and giving and I just want to be that way to them. Even though I've always been pretty meticulous with my things and I'm like super clean and. Uh, kind of type A person.

• 1:21:36Speaker 08

  So I just talked to my husband about it and he says he doesn't want them to sleep over there because of the smell. And he doesn't want them to sleep in our bed. Or really anywhere in our house because it'll smell like my sibling when we get back. So my question is, do I tell them that they can stay at our house? But they have to like shower before bed or sleep in our son's room? Um, even though I feel cringy having rules. When we're not there. Um, or should I just not even mention it, knowing that they may have a hard time being over at my parents? All together for four days.

• 1:22:19Speaker 03

  This is nothing.

• 1:22:20Speaker 08

  Uh, alright, thank you.

• 1:22:22Speaker 03

  This has nothing to do with where this person is staying. You just have to tell their sibling that they stink.

• 1:22:27Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, I mean, what are we talking about? They smell so bad that your husband is saying, look. But here's the other thing, they're doing you a favor.

• 1:22:37Speaker 03

  Right.

• 1:22:37Stavros Halkias?

  Like, how bad does someone have to smell? Like, what's it really worth? You're getting childcare, you're getting somebody looking after your parents, it's like.

• 1:22:47Stavros Halkias?

  He can change the sheets, like, okay, I get it. Your, your non-binary gutter punk sibling is gonna have their fucking, uh, rescue golden retrievers that they never bathed with bandanas on, stomping around through your house. And you're like, I don't, they take their Doc Martens off and there's fucking green stink lines come, come on their fucking socks.

• 1:23:09Speaker 03

  Right. She said incense, but she, she said body odor and incense, but she didn't say anything else besides that.

• 1:23:14Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah. And so that's me, this is me, this is what I think is going on, right? Cause I know plenty, I have some pals that are this type of person, you know? We've seen them, you know? It's a, it's, it's, it's crazy.

• 1:23:28Speaker 03

  We could have been that in a, yeah, exactly.

• 1:23:30Stavros Halkias?

  We.

• 1:23:36Speaker 03

  Thank God for Julie. Thank God.

• 1:23:39Stavros Halkias?

  But yeah, I mean, I kind of agree with you where it's like, this is about telling your sibling to fucking bathe.

• 1:23:46Speaker 03

  It has nothing to do with it.

• 1:23:47Stavros Halkias?

  They're 40. They're fucking 40 years old.

• 1:23:50Speaker 03

  Also, if you're not gonna do it, if I was walking around all my life with spinach in my teeth and my fucking brother didn't tell me there was spinach in my teeth, that's my brother.

• 1:24:00Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, I know. This is crazy. And like, you gotta have, have you had this conversation? Have you never had this conversation?

• 1:24:08Speaker 03

  They have a disease.

• 1:24:11Stavros Halkias?

  Either way, I, I mean, look, I, I'm of the opinion that if someone is coming over to do childcare, to watch your, your kids, to watch your parents, you're not gonna let them stay at your fucking house. Or you, here's what you could do. You wanna know the, the, the Ki- King Solomon's way? Pretend you're getting your fucking house fumigated and get them a hotel. Like, if you're worried about, if you're worried about them, your parents being too much. Cause at the end of the day, now this would be different if they were begging you to crash or something. Then you could be like, look, my husband is fucking, you, and not even, don't even blame my husband, because you should feel this way too. This is crazy. If they were asking you for a favor, this would be different.

• 1:24:56Stavros Halkias?

  They are doing you a favor. So I think you do owe it to them to make their experience that you're, while they're doing you this favor, pretty good.

• 1:25:04Speaker 03

  Also, you owe it to them to have a stink intervention.

• 1:25:06Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, I agree.

• 1:25:07Speaker 03

  You owe this person, they stink, tell them.

• 1:25:10Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:25:11Speaker 03

  Oh, but I guess I'm operating like they don't know. Maybe they know.

• 1:25:15Stavros Halkias?

  If they know, that's a whole other also big problem.

• 1:25:20Speaker 03

  Right.

• 1:25:20Stavros Halkias?

  But it doesn't get them out of, it's like you can't fucking, like, you can't bring, like, okay, if somebody's coming over to my house and they just leave a bunch of garbage there, and it smells like garbage.

• 1:25:33Speaker 03

  Stop looking at me.

• 1:25:35Stavros Halkias?

  That's, you can't, I'd be like, that's fucked up, you can't do that, right? If, if the odor is coming from their fucking armpits or whatever, their feet, it doesn't matter where the odor comes from, you can't come to my house and make it smell like shit.

• 1:25:47Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:25:48Stavros Halkias?

  But, yeah, you have to, look, the coward's way out is get them a hotel or an Airbnb, make some excuse up about your house, whatever. The real, the, but you should talk to them about this. If not now, when? This is crazy. And, and like, what, like, why are you on eggshells around them about this? You know what I mean? It's like, like, that's the thing, like, there's something deeper here.

• 1:26:13Speaker 03

  Right.

• 1:26:14Stavros Halkias?

  Because you should be able to, like, my brothers come to my fucking house and smell like shit, I'd be like, fucking shower, or get the fuck out of my house. That's what I would say, I mean.

• 1:26:26Speaker 03

  Well, stinking bad is also like a sign of like, deep mental illness.

• 1:26:31Stavros Halkias?

  But also you trust them enough to fucking.

• 1:26:32Speaker 03

  Watch the kids.

• 1:26:33Stavros Halkias?

  Do this shit, so it's like, they're probably ju, look, I have had friends who don't fucking bathe that much. Or who are sort of like, who like live in a weird warehouse.

• 1:26:42Speaker 03

  Stop looking at me.

• 1:26:43Stavros Halkias?

  Not you anymore, you're fucking, they cleaned you up, they fucking deloused you at NBC. Thirty Rock is like a, a prison movie, they're like, spread your cheeks, they're putting fucking powder on you and fucking hosing you down with a fire hose. Put on this blonde wig when you talk to Lorne.

• 1:26:57Speaker 03

  Change your underwear.

• 1:26:58Stavros Halkias?

  Put on this erapostal sweater.

• 1:27:03Stavros Halkias?

  When you talk to the executives.

• 1:27:06Stavros Halkias?

  But yeah, you, you, that, those are your two. I think we gave you two good options. If you're a coward, get them a hotel or some shit, make an excuse. But at some point, you have to under, you have to reckon with why you won't tell your sibling they smell like fucking dog shit. And you should, you, you, I agree with you. You owe it to them to tell them, frankly. Next question, Eldon, Eldons.

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• 1:28:20Speaker 10

  Hi ladies, um, so I need a bit of advice. Um, I guess like Ari, do you think my old teacher from high school is like trying to fuck? Or is he just being friendly? Um, so this morning I was checking my Instagram DMs from this man who used to be my history teacher when I was in high school.

• 1:28:37Stavros Halkias?

  He's getting a little naughty down under.

• 1:28:41Stavros Halkias?

  How about, so how about I take a piss at your puso? Can I suck your pussy redo?

• 1:28:50Stavros Halkias?

  Uh, keep going.

• 1:28:51Speaker 10

  I was in high school. Uh, I also used to babysit his kids when I was like sixteen. Um, and that was like over ten years ago. I'm like twenty-five now. Um, and he's probably now in his late thirties slash early forties. So he recently got a divorce from his wife and I feel like he's going through some kind of midlife crisis. He moved countries and he happened to move to the country that I've moved to. Um, and then he'd messaged me this morning like, hey, do you still live in Inside City? I'm in town and I was wondering if you'd like to meet at my hotel? And now I'm wondering like why the fuck would he have to meet at a hotel?

• 1:29:24Stavros Halkias?

  Straight to the tail?

• 1:29:28Speaker 10

  I'm wondering like, why the fuck would he ask to meet at a hotel?

• 1:29:30Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 1:29:31Speaker 10

  So I've got like a triple threat of BPD bipolar and autism. And the autistic part of my brain is wondering if I'm misreading into the hotel thing. The normal part of my brain tells me, so I've got like a triple threat of BPD bipolar and autism. And the autistic part of my brain is wondering if I'm misreading into the hotel thing.

• 1:29:52Stavros Halkias?

  No.

• 1:29:53Speaker 10

  The normal part of my brain tells me that I think he's got like bad or like sexual intentions. But then the BPD part of my brain just like craves attention and male validation.

• 1:30:02Stavros Halkias?

  Of course.

• 1:30:02Speaker 10

  And I'm kind of like giggling and kicking my feet. So I guess my questions are, one, is there any scenario wherein he wants to like platonically meet at his hotel? Um, and two, would it be terrible of me to go?

• 1:30:14Stavros Halkias?

  Yes.

• 1:30:14Speaker 03

  Well, why?

• 1:30:16Stavros Halkias?

  It's not terrible.

• 1:30:17Speaker 03

  No.

• 1:30:18Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, Sarah's like, Sarah's dreaming of that fucking history teacher smoking a fucking smoke, making her pubes smell like hickory.

• 1:30:28Speaker 03

  That's a nice Snoopy tie you're wearing there. It would be a shame to see it on the floor.

• 1:30:34Speaker 03

  Why would she not go?

• 1:30:36Stavros Halkias?

  Um, okay, here's the thing, here you're at, basically, okay, let's, let's address what she's saying. One is.

• 1:30:44Speaker 03

  Hurt, her.

• 1:30:45Stavros Halkias?

  Is it innocent? No, absolutely not.

• 1:30:49Speaker 03

  But is it, is it grotesque because it's clear that when he was her teacher, he was horny for a teenager?

• 1:30:56Stavros Halkias?

  I think that's the problem. That's the problem is that.

• 1:30:59Speaker 03

  Right.

• 1:31:00Stavros Halkias?

  He saw her as a, she babysat his kids.

• 1:31:03Speaker 03

  Right.

• 1:31:05Stavros Halkias?

  And it's, and also, it's not like.

• 1:31:07Speaker 03

  She's a grown up now.

• 1:31:07Stavros Halkias?

  Here's the thing, it's not like they bumped into each other.

• 1:31:10Speaker 03

  Right.

• 1:31:10Stavros Halkias?

  And they got to know each other. He was like, apparently they've moved, he's like, I'm in this city, like.

• 1:31:17Stavros Halkias?

  If it was, if it was more of a meet cute, maybe. But there is something to.

• 1:31:22Speaker 03

  God, this is just so my fantasy.

• 1:31:25Stavros Halkias?

  Teacher and then fucking them later, does sound hot. I'm not, I'm not, don't get me wrong, I would love if like one of the teachers, I'm trying to think if there's a teacher.

• 1:31:36Stavros Halkias?

  Not rea- not, not, no, not, nobody really comes to mind. Who's the hottest teacher? Well, I could see, anyway, I could see a scenario where this would be awesome, right?

• 1:31:46Speaker 03

  Right.

• 1:31:47Stavros Halkias?

  But yeah, in terms of what you're, what you're in for, it's like, it's a very interesting tug of war between BPD and fucking autistic here.

• 1:31:58Stavros Halkias?

  But, look.

• 1:31:59Speaker 03

  Go ahead, girl, wild out.

• 1:32:02Stavros Halkias?

  It could be strange and messy is my only thing. You know what I mean?

• 1:32:05Speaker 03

  Right.

• 1:32:06Stavros Halkias?

  And listen, if you wanna get dick down and you're clear to this guy, you're like, this is it, I don't, I just, this is also a fantasy for me in a weird fucked up way.

• 1:32:14Speaker 03

  Right.

• 1:32:15Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, do you not get enough?

• 1:32:17Speaker 03

  I guess he is a pedophile. No, he's not.

• 1:32:21Stavros Halkias?

  Quite, it's just weird. I mean, he maybe, but did he wanna fuck her when she was 15? Probably, and that's not great.

• 1:32:29Speaker 03

  But he's not making the move until she's an adult.

• 1:32:32Stavros Halkias?

  And he's divorced?

• 1:32:35Speaker 03

  Maybe, maybe, maybe he's, she's like the one, because she was the ba- like, he doesn't know any women.

• 1:32:42Stavros Halkias?

  No, that's not what's going on here. What's going on here is this guy got divorced and immediately is like, who are the top 10 girls I taught that I wanna fuck? Hmm, who are, who are easily accessible to me and I can DM? And by the way, hotel is a wild move.

• 1:32:58Speaker 03

  Also, did he hunt her down to the city that she's in?

• 1:33:00Stavros Halkias?

  Who knows, right? We don't know. But also, it's like, he didn't ask you to get dinner, catch up, drinks.

• 1:33:07Speaker 03

  Probably like at a hotel restaurant.

• 1:33:09Stavros Halkias?

  Meet right at the hotel is a particu- it's a move. Maybe a little room service. Yeah, it's a move. Hey, I'm not knocking it, I can't say, I don't, it's not something in my personal arsenal. But I do think you're making your intentions very clear when you're like, let's meet at my hotel.

• 1:33:25Speaker 03

  I feel like we, I, our, when did she call about this? Cause I feel like this is like happening right now.

• 1:33:32Stavros Halkias?

  Doesn't matter.

• 1:33:35Stavros Halkias?

  Pretty recent?

• 1:33:35Speaker 04

  It doesn't matter.

• 1:33:36Stavros Halkias?

  Okay.

• 1:33:37Speaker 03

  But I feel like this is-

• 1:33:38Stavros Halkias?

  That's what he was fucking-

• 1:33:38Speaker 03

  I feel like this is like an imminent, like I wanna know-

• 1:33:42Stavros Halkias?

  What happens?

• 1:33:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:33:43Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, give us an update. I actually would like the update. But look, here's the thing.

• 1:33:47Speaker 03

  Cause I wanna know if you like, meet up with him and you're like, oh, he, oh yeah, this is, like you are a pedophile.

• 1:33:53Stavros Halkias?

  Well, that's, the thing about it that's fucking weird is, he taught her when she was 50 and she babysat his kids? Like, listen, if she went to the high school he taught at, and they randomly bumped into each other.

• 1:34:08Speaker 03

  No, he hunted her down.

• 1:34:09Stavros Halkias?

  It's still weird. I wouldn't, I wouldn't think that's, but, but also it's like, I see it from both sides. You're just talking about how you wanted to fuck your teacher.

• 1:34:15Speaker 03

  This was like, this is my ultimate fantasy.

• 1:34:17Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, I think it's a lot of, I think it's, I think it's plenty of people's ultimate fantasy in a weird way. Is, is that teacher they wanted to fuck as youths? But, it's, it's really up to you, you know? Do you wanna do this?

• 1:34:31Speaker 03

  What did she say? She's bipolar autistic?

• 1:34:33Stavros Halkias?

  And BPD, which is a hell of a cocktail. Quite the cocktail. I do, I bet it-

• 1:34:38Speaker 03

  She might be perfect.

• 1:34:39Stavros Halkias?

  I bet it goes crazy. I bet that pussy goes insano.

• 1:34:43Speaker 03

  Gay birds. Gay birds.

• 1:34:45Stavros Halkias?

  I mean, that's quite the trio right there. If you do go to the hotel, I bet he's gonna get some pretty good head. You have the precision of an autist with the insanity of a BPD girl and bipolar.

• 1:34:58Speaker 04

  I think that BPD quadrant in her brain is throbbing like crazy. It's glowing.

• 1:35:03Stavros Halkias?

  BPD plus autism might be the perfect thing, like, that craft's the best head of all time, if I had to guess. If I had to guess, it's possible.

• 1:35:10Speaker 03

  Right, you wouldn't know, you're a saint.

• 1:35:12Stavros Halkias?

  I wouldn't know, I don't think I would know. I mean, I assume some BPD, and not that I'm doing a psychological screening, but-

• 1:35:20Speaker 03

  You'd be checking IDs at the door of your green room next door.

• 1:35:26Stavros Halkias?

  Um, anyway, yeah, listen, he's definitely, definitely trying to fuck you. It's up to you if you want to or not. I would say it's probably cleaner not to. Because this is a strange, this is just a weird move to immediately after getting divorced, try and hunt, like, I don't know.

• 1:35:43Speaker 04

  I think she should. I could just hear it in her voice that she wants to.

• 1:35:47Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:35:48Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, we're not gonna, it's up, it's fully up to you.

• 1:35:51Speaker 04

  It's like, okay.

• 1:35:52Stavros Halkias?

  And if I was in this position, I probably would, if I had like a hot teacher who was like, milked the fuck up and hit me up.

• 1:35:58Speaker 03

  Oh my God, you wouldn't waste a second.

• 1:36:00Stavros Halkias?

  Of course not. So yeah, whatever, fuck it, I don't care. I don't care, fucking do it, whatever.

• 1:36:04Speaker 03

  What do I care?

• 1:36:07Stavros Halkias?

  You're right, I'm being sexist about female pedophiles. If there was some teacher that looked at fat 15 year old me, I was like, mm, mm, I need to fuck that little butterball. I need to suck that little ass dick that I can see through his gym shorts. Oh, the way he's sweaty after gym when he comes into my class and his whole gray shirt is drenched, except the nipples. That turns me on.

• 1:36:32Speaker 03

  Has anyone from your past, like, like a teacher reached out to you?

• 1:36:36Stavros Halkias?

  A teacher?

• 1:36:37Speaker 03

  Or like, has anyone slid?

• 1:36:40Stavros Halkias?

  I don't think I have anybody from my past, not that I can think of. That's a great question. I'm kind of offended now, you know, like, why isn't somebody, I'm up now. Why haven't you tried to suck me off?

• 1:36:51Speaker 03

  Like someone crazy sliding.

• 1:36:53Stavros Halkias?

  No, nothing like that. Uh, you must have.

• 1:36:57Speaker 03

  My God, of course.

• 1:37:00Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, just because women get treated that way.

• 1:37:02Speaker 03

  Of course.

• 1:37:03Stavros Halkias?

  Who, what type of person?

• 1:37:05Speaker 03

  I'm thinking of like, this was, I was older, but like, the GM of the barbecue restaurant I worked at, that fired me in front of everyone and humiliated me. At the same restaurant where the fucking head chef told me to wear red lipstick like a whore. And it's just this fucking.

• 1:37:26Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, you were, you were like in your twenties?

• 1:37:28Speaker 03

  I, mm, I was like a freshman in college, yeah.

• 1:37:31Stavros Halkias?

  And he hit you up recently?

• 1:37:32Speaker 03

  Oh, he slid.

• 1:37:33Stavros Halkias?

  That's an awesome move. For a guy who's probably still a GM.

• 1:37:37Speaker 03

  He's like a hundred. He's a hundred and he fired me in front of everyone like a dog in the dirt on Christmas morning.

• 1:37:46Stavros Halkias?

  On Christmas?

• 1:37:47Speaker 03

  No, but like, oh god.

• 1:37:50Stavros Halkias?

  Metaphorically speaking.

• 1:37:51Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:37:52Stavros Halkias?

  No, I mean, I think, now that I think about it, there's been, there was like, people that I went on like a date with.

• 1:37:58Speaker 03

  Right.

• 1:37:59Stavros Halkias?

  Who rejected me.

• 1:38:00Speaker 03

  Right.

• 1:38:01Stavros Halkias?

  Who have reslid.

• 1:38:02Speaker 03

  How's it going?

• 1:38:03Stavros Halkias?

  And I just have, I think, you know, one of them, I actually, I actually fucked up. I meant to DM her back.

• 1:38:11Speaker 03

  Tell her, tell her, he's about to, he's gonna DM you back.

• 1:38:14Stavros Halkias?

  Hey, hit me up again, that one girl I went on a date with, and I kinda blew it. I just, I remember, it was like the most cowardly, it could have been a turning point and like, it was, I just moved to New York and she was hot too. She was like, uh, she was, um, she was half Greek, which I like, cause it's like Greek enough.

• 1:38:31Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:38:31Stavros Halkias?

  But not fully Greek, you know what I mean? Like, I don't need the whole, you know? She was cool, I liked her, and I was just, and I think I actually did a pretty good job on the date. It was the first time I went out with like a hot woman in New York when I first moved here, and I was like, against all odds, I'm doing pretty well here. And I just bitched out on kissing her at the end of the night.

• 1:38:51Speaker 03

  Damn.

• 1:38:52Stavros Halkias?

  And it was, and like now a hundred percent, it was just, it's a home run.

• 1:38:55Speaker 03

  Sure.

• 1:38:56Stavros Halkias?

  And I just know the moment, and literally, I talked about it in therapy, and my therapist was like, why didn't you kiss her? And I was like, that's not what I'm fucking looking for, you piece of shit. He was like, oh, you fucking, literally, it was the most animated I've ever seen him. He was like, oh, are you serious? Why didn't you kiss? I was like, I don't know. And then I'm like pathetically.

• 1:39:15Speaker 03

  And I'm the one with the crazy therapist.

• 1:39:17Stavros Halkias?

  Well, you go to fucking therapy eight times a week. We didn't even, we didn't even get into it this time. That's well trod territory on Stavvy's World. Oh, but something to file away from, for our upcoming interview. Uh, yeah, we're taking this, this relationship to print, folks. Watch out for that, or, no, actually, it's our priority come out. It's probably, oh yeah, you've, you've already seen it in Interview Magazine. We did a great job. It's already happened.

• 1:39:42Speaker 03

  Couldn't get anyone else.

• 1:39:43Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, it's gonna be you guys, that's awesome. Yeah, it's gonna be us. Sabrina Carpenter said no. She asked every host this season. They all said no. Nikki was like, oh, I gotta write for the Golden Globes. I gotta get ready for it. Glenn Powell's like, he called you Veronica. He was like, I can't do it Veronica, sorry.

• 1:39:58Speaker 03

  Well, I showed everyone the screener. First everyone agreed. And then I showed them the screener and they went, oh my God, the craziest thing just happened.

• 1:40:07Speaker 03

  I, my basement flooded. Like, and I just can't even plug in. I don't have a computer charger, so I can't

• 1:40:16Stavros Halkias?

  I can't do it.

• 1:40:18Speaker 03

  Watch the, yeah. My phone exploded. It killed itself.

• 1:40:22Stavros Halkias?

  It's so funny that they're like, we have to do it over Zoom, but it's like, we're doing this right now. Like, we could do it. Anyway, who cares what fuck?

• 1:40:27Speaker 03

  Zoom, I'm not gonna Zoom with you.

• 1:40:29Stavros Halkias?

  That's what my, that's what an email said. We could do it whenever.

• 1:40:34Speaker 03

  Zooming with you. The indignity of Zooming with Sol. Jesus. Hi, welcome to my office.

• 1:40:40Stavros Halkias?

  Relax before you're really scraping the bottom of the barrel. What happens if I say no, motherfucker? You're begging Connor and Connor's like, I got a baby. I can't fucking do it.

• 1:40:48Speaker 03

  God, is it great?

• 1:41:00Stavros Halkias?

  Give us another one, LD.

• 1:41:03Speaker 11

  Hey, Stav. Hey, Eldis. Hello, guests.

• 1:41:06Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 1:41:07Speaker 11

  Basically, my problem is that I am a straight man, but every single person that I meet assumes that I am gay. And I would like them to stop thinking that. I think part of it is like presentation stuff. Like, I dress pretty well. Like, I take care of myself. I go to the gym and groom and like, I make sure I'm clean and smell nice and all that. And I'm all still like,

• 1:41:34Stavros Halkias?

  She's like a guy that appears gay but is straight. My dream.

• 1:41:40Speaker 03

  He dresses well.

• 1:41:41Stavros Halkias?

  A straight guy that appears gay and can't stand up for himself?

• 1:41:48Speaker 11

  No, nice and all that. And I'm also like, I feel like I'm pretty polite and like relatively mellow in my day to day interactions and I'm not trying to like fuck everything that moves all the time, which I think is also a part of it like. I, I don't know. Do you like, I have the gay voice or something? Like is that, are you picking that up?

• 1:42:10Stavros Halkias?

  No. A little bit.

• 1:42:12Speaker 11

  Anyway, I tried to alter things.

• 1:42:14Stavros Halkias?

  That's the problem. You're not a reliable, all your friends are the gayest guys of all time. They're cool. Right. But this guy seems like a midwestern gay guy. This guy seems like a gay guy who fucking shops at Target. He doesn't have, I'm not clocking gay boys. I'm telling you, he's got a little pinch. Okay. Keep going. Let's finish up.

• 1:42:33Speaker 11

  Anyway, I tried to alter things. I've, like I've, I tried to dress like more blue collar.

• 1:42:39Stavros Halkias?

  Blue collar. I'm butching it up.

• 1:42:45Stavros Halkias?

  I'm wearing overalls with no shirt underneath.

• 1:42:49Speaker 11

  Uh, I bought some Carhartt pants.

• 1:42:51Stavros Halkias?

  I knew it. I knew he was gonna say that. No, that's gay now, dude.

• 1:42:58Speaker 11

  And shit. And then all the gays started buying fucking Carhartt pants and wearing them.

• 1:43:04Stavros Halkias?

  Yep.

• 1:43:04Speaker 11

  Uh, so now I'm kinda, I just don't know what to do. Uh, basically I wanna know how I can look straighter while also not sacrificing any of like.

• 1:43:13Stavros Halkias?

  I need a visual aid. I know. I would love to look at him.

• 1:43:17Speaker 11

  Too much.

• 1:43:18Stavros Halkias?

  Can you call these people back? I feel like I just have the picture of this guy in my head. Straight George. We have a friend who has this to a T. He sounds a little gayer than this guy. He's got a big wet mouth. I think there's, he's got, you know, he's nice. He's kind. He smiles a lot. Um.

• 1:43:39Speaker 03

  I think he's like basically, he's stunning is what he's saying.

• 1:43:44Stavros Halkias?

  Probably, yeah.

• 1:43:45Speaker 03

  He probably is gorgeous.

• 1:43:47Stavros Halkias?

  He's probably good looking. I think like it's more that he's clean cut. He's polite, he's clean cut and he's not like horny.

• 1:43:53Speaker 03

  Maybe he combs his hair crazy or something.

• 1:43:57Stavros Halkias?

  I just think.

• 1:43:57Speaker 03

  West Hollywood gays like gel and comb their hair in a very specific way. Maybe he's doing a hair thing that he doesn't know is gay.

• 1:44:05Stavros Halkias?

  It's just some guys have this. Yeah. There's just no way around it.

• 1:44:08Speaker 03

  I think it means he's just like, he's stunning and no one could believe that he's straight. Because he's so perfect.

• 1:44:16Stavros Halkias?

  I don't think it's bad and our friend, Straight George, a lot of people think he's gay.

• 1:44:22Speaker 03

  Can I see a visual aid?

• 1:44:23Stavros Halkias?

  Straight George? Sure.

• 1:44:27Stavros Halkias?

  By the way, you have some text messages to attend to, Eldis? Oh shit.

• 1:44:32Speaker 03

  From me?

• 1:44:33Stavros Halkias?

  No.

• 1:44:35Stavros Halkias?

  But look, dude, this isn't bad.

• 1:44:39Speaker 03

  No, you're gorgeous. That's what it sounds like.

• 1:44:43Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, here he is. But yeah, it's like, how do you seem straighter? This motherfucker didn't even put pictures of himself. That's him. That's him with his girlfriend. That's his girlfriend.

• 1:44:56Speaker 04

  I think visually you don't see, you really have to hear Straight George's voice.

• 1:44:59Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, it is about, it is about.

• 1:45:01Speaker 04

  Cause I think, I think this guy's a different flavor where he's probably just like clean cut or something. He's just wearing like a, you know, he's probably fit, wearing like a button down shirt into some neat chinos. Some of those boring like.

• 1:45:14Stavros Halkias?

  Eldis is getting hard.

• 1:45:17Speaker 04

  Some of those like.

• 1:45:18Stavros Halkias?

  Eldis is describing his dream man.

• 1:45:20Speaker 04

  Just some of those like brown pleather shoes kind of thing with a white stripe on the bottom, the white soul or whatever. You know what I mean?

• 1:45:27Stavros Halkias?

  I don't think.

• 1:45:27Speaker 04

  That's what I'm seeing in this guy. It's like a type.

• 1:45:29Speaker 03

  Maybe he's really fit. That is often guys who are visibly very fit. I always think they're gay.

• 1:45:36Stavros Halkias?

  It's possible, but look, I just think, yes, gay guys are wearing Carhartt. Do you want to dress a little shittier? I guess if you want to. I don't think this is a bad thing, though.

• 1:45:46Speaker 03

  I think he's not telling us something that he like waxes his chest or something. I don't know.

• 1:45:50Stavros Halkias?

  He's looking at his chest, though, day to day.

• 1:45:53Speaker 03

  Maybe he's walking around in a Los Angeles apparel, deep V.

• 1:45:56Stavros Halkias?

  I'm walking around in a tank top. I'm a very, but I'm clearly a heterosexual man. That's a different thing. You go, you go a different, you, you turn, you go the other end of the spectrum of like, so straight, you could do the gay shit of all time.

• 1:46:10Speaker 03

  So straight at the Szechuan restaurant that he's got a strip down to his tank top because the chicken too spicy?

• 1:46:14Stavros Halkias?

  Too spicy, I'm sweating. And by the way, it's like, will I let a guy suck me off? I guess.

• 1:46:22Stavros Halkias?

  So how to appear more straight?

• 1:46:27Stavros Halkias?

  I don't know. I think this is good. I think you can, uh, use this to your advantage. I think like people, yeah, being a nice guy. Like, why is this a problem? I guess is my question. What's really negative here? I don't know. And is there a way to, uh, yeah, go, go get our, one of our?

• 1:46:47Speaker 03

  Food?

• 1:46:48Stavros Halkias?

  No. No.

• 1:46:50Speaker 03

  I'm starving.

• 1:46:51Stavros Halkias?

  Damn, sorry, bro. I don't know. I think like how to appear straighter? You could dress a little shittier. You could just get like fucking Levi's instead of Carhartt. You could just wear like t-shirts. But also you might just be a guy who seems gay and that's okay. Women are going to trust you more. Um, you know, will gay guys sit on you? Okay, maybe, but you could just tell them.

• 1:47:15Speaker 03

  That's a confidence booster.

• 1:47:16Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, that's a compliment. I just think this is your cross to bear and in terms of crosses, it ain't so bad.

• 1:47:24Stavros Halkias?

  I would say to appear straighter, just be sloppier. Just care less about what you look, maybe get some facial hair growth going that's not manicured.

• 1:47:33Speaker 03

  Isn't this a thing of like people who work out?

• 1:47:37Speaker 03

  To make their arms look better? You could just work out to not, not do that.

• 1:47:45Stavros Halkias?

  He like, listen, the guy who got it, we know he hasn't changed his workout regimen.

• 1:47:48Speaker 03

  No, but I work out all the time. You can't tell.

• 1:47:52Stavros Halkias?

  Do you?

• 1:47:52Speaker 03

  And that's because, yeah.

• 1:47:53Stavros Halkias?

  What do you do?

• 1:47:54Speaker 03

  Run as fast as I can. As fast as I can. Just so it all, it's all far behind me. It's all gone away. It's just me in the open road. But it's like, you can't tell because I'm not doing, like, he's doing like vanity exercises maybe?

• 1:48:12Stavros Halkias?

  Look, I don't know, but I just think he shouldn't have to change.

• 1:48:16Speaker 03

  You're like, don't change a hair on your chin chin chin. You're perfect.

• 1:48:18Stavros Halkias?

  How ripped he is to appear straighter. I would just say if you want to, if you, if this is a problem for you, dress sloppier.

• 1:48:26Speaker 04

  I think he should be himself because like, the, the thing is like, there are women out there too who are like attracted to, I don't know why I keep going on this clean cut thing, but.

• 1:48:35Speaker 03

  Yes, they are.

• 1:48:37Speaker 04

  Yeah, you could, you could bag a Sarah out there.

• 1:48:40Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, boy.

• 1:48:41Speaker 03

  I love you guys.

• 1:48:43Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, stop working out, get fetish it, uh, wear, wear like NFL team apparel only.

• 1:48:51Speaker 04

  Be the quarterback of your football team.

• 1:48:54Stavros Halkias?

  Dude, I don't know.

• 1:48:55Speaker 03

  What's so bad about looking gay, dude?

• 1:48:57Stavros Halkias?

  It's good. People want to look gay.

• 1:48:59Speaker 03

  Awesome. Everybody loves gay now. It's like the thing everybody loves.

• 1:49:04Speaker 04

  From his, from his message, I think like, okay, one thing you should change. It sounds like you are a pussy or you're worried about like being a pussy or something. He's like, I guess I'm pretty nice. It's like, you know, do you need some more? Is it a self-confidence thing or something?

• 1:49:21Stavros Halkias?

  Eldisula masculine, style masculinity.

• 1:49:23Speaker 04

  Exactly.

• 1:49:24Speaker 03

  You better pray everybody thinks you gay.

• 1:49:26Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, that's.

• 1:49:27Speaker 03

  If you want an ounce of respect in this universe, you better pray in your hands and fucking gay knees that everybody thinks you're gay.

• 1:49:35Stavros Halkias?

  I say stick with it.

• 1:49:36Speaker 03

  You could be so lucky.

• 1:49:38Stavros Halkias?

  I say stick with it. It's nice to be gay. Women will trust you more. Men will see you. And that's how you get them.

• 1:49:44Speaker 04

  You can manipulate them.

• 1:49:46Stavros Halkias?

  You can manipulate them. Um, all right, we gotta go.

• 1:49:49Speaker 03

  They're like texting.

• 1:49:50Stavros Halkias?

  The episode's over, fuck you.

• 1:49:53Speaker 03

  I left my phone in a different room.

• 1:49:55Stavros Halkias?

  Well, we have to do another episode. Do you want a quick to go update phone? No, it's over, the episode's over. Fuck Sarah, go watch your special on HBO.

• 1:50:03Speaker 03

  You have to watch it.

• 1:50:04Stavros Halkias?

  You do have to watch, and like I said, if you don't like it, unsubscribe and email them letting those specifically because of her special.

• 1:50:12Speaker 03

  If you like the special, take a screenshot of your favorite moment, send it to me. Explain why. I'll make a scrapbook. I will, I like it.

• 1:50:22Stavros Halkias?

  I believe you.

• 1:50:23Speaker 03

  Tell me, tell me what you like about it.

• 1:50:26Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 1:50:26Speaker 03

  Tell your friends what you like about it. Don't play the Greek music over it.

• 1:50:30Stavros Halkias?

  Play the Greek music, fade her out, it's over. Go watch the special, bye.

• 1:50:44Speaker 12

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• 1:50:59Speaker 13

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