759 The Power of Guidance with Alanis Morissette

UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU CAME FROM. The way you were raised still has effects on you today. It’s not that you should blame your parents. They did the best they could. But you should be aware of how your current actions reflect the truths you learned growing up. Growing up, my parents were raising four kids and working multiple jobs. I always felt invisible. I know that a lot of what motivates me today stems from those feelings of not being seen. For this Five Minute Friday, I revisited a conversation I had with Alanis Morissette where we talked about the stages of development and how they mold us into the people we are today. Alanis Morissette is a singer, songwriter, multi-instrumentalist, record producer, and actress. Her album Jagged Little Pill has sold more than 33 million copies globally. She’s also an avid supporter of female empowerment as well as physical and spiritual wellness. Learn about Alanis’ upbringing and how it made her into the person she is today on Episode 759. In This Episode You Will Learn: Why Alanis was an overachiever growing up (2:00) How parenting was different 40 years ago (3:00) The stages of development and how significant it is if they are missed (3:30) How inaccurate mirroring from parents can make you not trust yourself (5:00) Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Lewis Howes?

  This is Five Minute Friday.

• 0:11Lewis Howes?

  Welcome everyone to a very special edition of the School of Greatness Podcast. I'm so excited for our guest today. I had a pleasure of sitting down and connecting with the one and only Alanis Morissette. And for those that don't know who Alanis is, let me just share a little bit about her. Since 1995, Alanis has been one of the most influential singer-songwriter musicians in contemporary music. She's earned seven Grammy Awards with an additional 14 nominations, a Golden Globe nomination, and sales of over 60 million albums worldwide. In 2015, Alanis was inducted into the Canadian Music Hall of Fame. And outside of entertainment, she's an avid supporter of female empowerment as well as spiritual, psychological, and physical wellness.

• 1:00Lewis Howes?

  Why do you think you were pursuing the overachievement in your teens?

• 1:05Speaker 01

  Well, it was one way to be loved. If I was moderate, or if I was even quote-unquote "less than average," I would be even more invisible than I was. So for me, it was about being seen. And I could tell there were certain things that were on people's radars. "Oh, my talent. Oh, my brain. Oh, my poise," or whatever. The top 10 things, fill in the blank, were the things that got the attention that I was so starving for.

• 1:29Lewis Howes?

  Why were you starving for? Were your parents not seeing you?

• 1:33Speaker 01

  In some ways, yeah.

• 1:34Lewis Howes?

  We're like brother and sister. I felt the same. I was the youngest of four.

• 1:38Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:38Lewis Howes?

  And I never felt seen, or acknowledged, or getting the love that I wanted because my parents were just working multiple jobs, trying to take care of... It was like they were crazy. Because there was four kids running around the house.

• 1:48Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:49Lewis Howes?

  So there's nothing to blame them.

• 1:50Speaker 01

  And we're not even taken into consideration all the other internal stuff that's going on for them.

• 1:54Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, and they were fighting constantly and not happy because they got married when they were 18. Because they were pregnant.

• 1:59Speaker 01

  Whatever they were up to.

• 2:00Lewis Howes?

  And they weren't living their dreams. So it's like they had their resentments.

• 2:03Speaker 01

  And the consciousness level was different then. It wasn't a thing to do that, to make sure that the stages of development are...

• 2:10Lewis Howes?

  Exactly.

• 2:10Speaker 01

  The boxes are checked. And that wasn't even a conversation. It's almost barely one now.

• 2:15Lewis Howes?

  Just starting, yes.

• 2:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's starting.

• 2:17Lewis Howes?

  And so you felt like they were never fully seeing you, or just loving you, or acknowledging you as the child you were?

• 2:23Speaker 01

  Well, they were doing the best they could. And I definitely felt loved. There were just so many aspects of my humanity that were just missed in the crossfire, you know?

• 2:32Lewis Howes?

  That's what I say. I felt loved. Like, my dad always tucked me in and told me he loved me, but I didn't like...

• 2:36Speaker 01

  It's the specificity of the mirroring. So the stages of development, crassly quickly, is the touch and the holding.

• 2:43Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 2:44Speaker 01

  I grew up in the, you know, I was born in the seventies. So wasn't, you know, this is a time feminism also. Context is huge to take into consideration around this. So my mom went back to work right away. My twin brother and I were born. I asked, you know, I was basically wondering about the touch, eye contact thing. There are certain key things that happen during that stage where ideally, we want the skin-on-skin eye contact thing.

• 3:04Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 3:05Speaker 01

  Or breastfeeding, if mom could do it or not, you know, like just being able to have that stage of development considered. Then the exploration stage. Am I bonded and attached enough to move out into the world? Or is there no one there and moving out into the world is scary? Or is moving out into the world the only option I have? Then the third one is identity, the mirroring. And not just mirroring two or three things. They call that concave mirroring, where if they just go, "I'm gonna mirror that you're a great athlete, and that you're handsome, and that you're, and that you like cars." What about the six billion other aspects of you?

• 3:38Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 3:38Speaker 01

  Alright, so the mirroring that can be inaccurate, or straight-up mirroring that's not accurate, like walking in the house and you go, "I'm freezing," and your parent goes, "No, you're not. Sit down for dinner."

• 3:48Lewis Howes?

  You're fine.

• 3:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, you're like, your eyes are crossing. "But I do feel cold, but maybe I don't, and maybe I'm wrong, and maybe my impulses are wrong, and if my impulses are wrong, I'm wrong."

• 3:57Lewis Howes?

  And I can't trust myself, and I can't trust anyone at all.

• 3:59Speaker 01

  Yes. And then the fourth one is competence. Can I do it? So then some parents on the continuum do the hyper, "Not only can you do it, you're gonna be the next president! You're gonna be number one, you're gonna win every award," and you're just like, "Oh, Jesus, the pressure." Because the best thing is its own, for me anyways, it's its own violence, right? Then the other end of the continuum, which is, "You're good for nothing, you can't, you'll never do this." You know, smirking when you have a dream, all that stuff. So that's a very crass version of the first four. So I just think of how complicated it is to even sometimes understand it, let alone to have parents apply it, let alone to have them apply it when they're freaked out and they're wounded and they're in a context where they don't have enough energy.

• 4:39Lewis Howes?

  And know when to apply it.

• 4:40Speaker 01

  How do we?

• 4:41Lewis Howes?

  It's like, how do you know what they actually need at once?

• 4:43Speaker 01

  The art of parenting and doing it well enough and not thinking that as a parent you have to be perfect. So, there's all that.

• 5:04Lewis Howes?

  Hey guys, if you enjoyed this inspirational clip from a past episode of the show, then you'll love the free book I'm giving away right now. It's called The Millionaire Morning. It includes some of my best tips for starting off your day with a millionaire mindset. Get your free copy at themillionairemorning.com and just pay shipping. Again, check it out right now, themillionairemorning.com.