My Husband Has Zero Interest in Sex

🔥 Microhabits for a better marriage. Download the Together app. On today’s episode, we hear about: - A wife struggling with her husband’s lack of sexual desire - A dad wondering why he resents his young son - A man trying to decide if he should propose to his girlfriend Next Steps: ❤️ Get away with your spouse today! 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: · Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. · Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. · Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. · Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. · Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! · Working knives for working people—Go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! · Explore Poncho Outdoors! · Head to Shady Rays and use code DELONY for 40% off two or more polarized sunglasses. · Get 25% off your order at Thorne. · Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  I was very open and honest about wanting a fun enthusiastic sex life. I was really vulnerable and honestly, I was explicit. And he promised that we could try anything, that he would be into it. And then we got married and all the handcuffs were taken off and none were put on.

• 0:29Dr. John Delony?

  What up? What up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking live calls from real people from all over the world, talking about your mental, emotional health, your marriages, your relationships, your kids, all of it, whatever you got going on in your life. If you want to be on the show, click the link in the show notes so that Kelly can feel importante. I don't super know what a show notes are, but I know that everything's there. All the stuff is there.

• 1:00Speaker 02

  I'm so proud of you. I didn't even have to remind you to say it and you did. So proud of you.

• 1:05Dr. John Delony?

  Well, you got a tattoo on your throat that says, "In the show notes."

• 1:11Dr. John Delony?

  She is trying to get AI on her side. So she is changing her tattoo game up considerably. Let's go out to Philadelphia and talk to Sarah with an H. What's up, Sarah?

• 1:24Speaker 00

  Hi, how are you?

• 1:25Dr. John Delony?

  I'm doing good. How are you?

• 1:27Speaker 00

  I'm all right.

• 1:28Dr. John Delony?

  All right. Yikes. So what's going on?

• 1:33Speaker 00

  I've been married to my husband for almost 12 years. He is kind, he's faithful, he's good to me in many ways. But I do not feel desired by him. I haven't really for our whole relationship. I don't believe in divorce. We're committed to staying married. But my love for him is being drowned out by resentment. I deeply resent that he stole any chance I had to not just experience like an uninhibited sex life, but the chance to feel wanted, even in the most basic ways. And I don't know how to accept a lifetime of not being desired by the one person who's supposed to want me.

• 2:15Dr. John Delony?

  Exhale for me.

• 2:18Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 2:20Dr. John Delony?

  Have you ever said that all out loud like that?

• 2:23Speaker 00

  Um, yeah, I practiced this little spiel for like 15 times last night, um, to time it, but then the guy said I wasn't supposed to read a script, so I sort of had to edit it down. Sorry.

• 2:32Dr. John Delony?

  Well, I, I, no, no, I'm, I'm wondering if, is that the first time you said that all out loud to another person?

• 2:39Speaker 00

  Um, I mean, my husband and I have talked very openly about it.

• 2:42Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. What, what does, what does desire mean to you?

• 2:48Speaker 00

  Um, that he, like, when he looks at me or thinks about me, he thinks, I want to jump her bones.

• 2:54Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 2:55Speaker 00

  I want to do things, I want to try things, I want to experience things.

• 2:59Dr. John Delony?

  So, so desire for you is, is sexual, it's in the bedroom?

• 3:03Speaker 00

  Yes, yes.

• 3:03Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Or on the kitchen table, wherever, on the couch, like, wherever.

• 3:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:13Dr. John Delony?

  So backing out of, like, we'll get to, we'll get to talking about sex, you're okay, but let's back out for a second.

• 3:19Speaker 00

  Sure.

• 3:19Dr. John Delony?

  Where else do you not feel desired?

• 3:24Speaker 00

  Um, it's mostly physical.

• 3:27Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 3:28Speaker 00

  He does a really good job of appreciating my personality, um, how hard I work, all the effort that I put into everything. He, he loves and respects me, he is very kind, um, very gentle, very, just like, he's a, he's a really good person, he's a really good guy. Um, I, and we've talked a lot about this, and he, I think he just does not feel that desire. I don't, I don't think it's me personally, I think it's, no matter who he was married to, it wouldn't, he just doesn't have the, like, even, we were, we were virgins when we got married, um, and even when we were dating, um, this was an issue, we, we attributed it to...

• 4:12Speaker 00

  Fear of pushing purity boundaries. And he like, he told me, once we're married, you know, I'm not going to be able to keep my hands off of you. I just don't want to push the line. I don't want to cross anything that we're not supposed to. It's like, so I chalked up his not wanting to make out to wanting to be a good Christian. And, you know, I loved that at the time. But I was very open and honest about wanting a fun, enthusiastic sex life. I was really vulnerable. And I honestly, I was explicit. And he promised that we could try anything, that he would be into it. And then we got married and all the handcuffs were taken off and none were put on.

• 4:49Dr. John Delony?

  Um, so.

• 4:53Dr. John Delony?

  Uh, trying to find a good place to start.

• 4:59Speaker 00

  Sure. Yeah, no, it's, it's, it's not a normal problem. All the, all the Christian marriage books have a chapter about the other way around. But nobody knows how to deal with this.

• 5:05Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna be, I, I, most of the Christian marriage books are about as useful as used toilet paper. So.

• 5:14Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 5:15Dr. John Delony?

  So let's put those aside.

• 5:23Dr. John Delony?

  My, my biggest concern here is you have said, I want this and I value this.

• 5:32Dr. John Delony?

  And he has looked at you and said, no.

• 5:36Speaker 00

  Yep. He said, I'm really sorry. I, I know that, that this is what you wanted. I know I promised you that I would do these things with you and give you these things. I just, I don't want to. I don't, I don't.

• 5:49Dr. John Delony?

  So how, how do you hold that intention with? Okay. And so let me say it like this. Um, and I'm always careful when I say this because it gets weaponized in really awful ways. Okay. So I want to say this upfront. If you are, it usually gets weaponized in the reverse. So if you're a man who's listening to this and you choose to weaponize this, I don't support that. In fact, I condemn that. I think it's wrong. Okay. But there's two different types of desire.

• 6:22Dr. John Delony?

  One is spontaneous, it happens, it sounds like you. I will do it anywhere, anytime. Oh my gosh, he looked at me? How about right now, right? And there's responsive desire. Once this train gets cooking, I don't feel like it. In fact, I rarely feel like it, but I'm never sad that I did it.

• 6:41Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 6:41Dr. John Delony?

  In fact, it feels good while it's happening. It's awesome.

• 6:44Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 6:45Dr. John Delony?

  It just-

• 6:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, he experienced, I'm sorry.

• 6:47Dr. John Delony?

  Go ahead. Is that him?

• 6:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, yes, sometimes.

• 6:52Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 6:53Speaker 00

  So, this isn't about like frequency of sex. We have sex a couple of times a month. I initiate. Most of the time, it's kind of not in the mood, maybe later. Sometimes, he gets into it and it's fine. Those times are always, always the same, but they're fine. But a lot of times-

• 7:09Dr. John Delony?

  Always the same, what does that mean? Same positions, same routine?

• 7:12Speaker 00

  Yes. Same, same, yeah. But a lot of times, it's like obligation sex, which honestly, it's worse than just being straight up shut down.

• 7:23Dr. John Delony?

  I agree, I agree.

• 7:24Speaker 00

  It feels humiliating and I just want it over.

• 7:26Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, yeah, I agree, I agree. And so, I guess my question for him, is I would ask for anybody on the other side of this is, just because you don't feel like it initially, why has he not explored why I don't feel like it?

• 7:45Speaker 00

  So about five years ago, after a lot of pushing, we went to marriage counseling because, you know, is he gay? Is he, does he have sexual trauma? Like, let's get to the bottom of this. Because we had already done the like, physical, go to your doctor, get tested for stuff. And after a year of marriage counseling, he could not remember any kind of sexual trauma. He out and out does not think it's any kind of attraction to men or anything. We really got nowhere. The counselor recommended that we ended up separating. So we separated for a couple of months. And then we stopped going to counseling because I didn't want to be separated.

• 8:24Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So you've boxed yourself into a pretty, pretty harsh predicament, right?

• 8:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, and the other, the other part of this is, um, I sometimes wonder if I'm in the wrong, if the roles are reversed and, you know, husband is asking his wife for something that she's not comfortable with, um, you know, everyone agrees that that guy's violating boundaries. So, you know, I'm spiral sometimes is like, for example, like oral sex. I love giving it. He has no problem receiving it. He promised he would try oral sex with me, but in 12 years of marriage, he's never once attempted it. And he knows how much it hurts because I bring it up almost every time we talk about this. Um,

• 9:02Dr. John Delony?

  What's his reason for not doing this? Think it's gross? Is he uncomfortable that he's think it's wrong?

• 9:07Speaker 00

  He does not think it's wrong. He told me he doesn't want to do it because he thinks he'll throw up. And that's really hard. It's really hard to hear. Um, because it's not just about you have the act and the fact that I'm never gonna get to experience it, but knowing that my husband is like, is repulsed by something that intimate is shattering. And it's not me. It's not me specifically. He's assured me of that. Like, he's told me, like, I am attracted to your body. It's not, it's not you specifically. It's any, any vagina would gross him out. Like, he's never seen me. He's never seen me in the light.

• 9:52Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, I guess the best I can do right now is sit here with you. That sucks. It's heartbreaking.

• 9:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, thanks.

• 10:00Dr. John Delony?

  Um, and I have some very unhelpful, un-

• 10:09Dr. John Delony?

  unremarkable

• 10:14Dr. John Delony?

  wisdom to pass along to you, but it's not gonna take this pain away.

• 10:17Speaker 00

  Darn. I'll take it anyway.

• 10:29Dr. John Delony?

  There's a lot here.

• 10:39Dr. John Delony?

  I'm tempted to say, and I want to tell you that my temptation is wrong, but I want to call it out for anybody who's listening to this, okay? I'm tempted to say, what if we believed him?

• 10:52Speaker 00

  Oh, I do, I believe him.

• 10:54Dr. John Delony?

  No, hold on, hold on.

• 10:55Speaker 00

  I believe it.

• 10:56Dr. John Delony?

  I think there's something else. This one's hard for me because I only have one side of it, okay?

• 11:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:04Dr. John Delony?

  And there is a... It's overrepresented in the media, but it is a physiological thing. There is those that... They're classified as asexual.

• 11:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:18Dr. John Delony?

  The switch is off. And I have... And they have no interest in turning it back on. Or they have no interest in being interested in how pleasurable I can make my spouse's life.

• 11:36Speaker 00

  Yep. And I don't know how to forgive him for marrying me anyway, when I knew and he knew that I was not going to be content with that.

• 11:48Speaker 00

  Because how do you not know that about yourself? And maybe that's wrong of me.

• 11:53Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. I mean, and that's where I'm going to get to my unhelpful, like, it's not going to make you feel better, wisdom here.

• 12:01Dr. John Delony?

  I would be very careful about the stories you're making up about him.

• 12:06Dr. John Delony?

  And why he did what he did.

• 12:09Dr. John Delony?

  Why he's doing what he's doing.

• 12:13Dr. John Delony?

  Because the stories you're making up about what he... Why he's doing what he's doing is causing as much, if not more, pain than what's actually happening in reality. And they're not getting you any closer to what you want, which is to be desired by your spouse.

• 12:32Dr. John Delony?

  And y'all have done the things that I would have recommended like go get hormone checks and medical checks, checkups, and go sit with a therapist and go try to unpack some of this stuff because statistically speaking, it is outside of the norm.

• 12:45Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 12:47Dr. John Delony?

  And coming up with reasons that he somehow tricked you, somehow lied to you, somehow created this, like, that's a lot of, that's coming from inside of you, not inside of him, unless he's looked at you and said, "Yeah, I kinda knew this. I just thought it wouldn't bother you that much."

• 13:03Speaker 00

  No.

• 13:03Dr. John Delony?

  If he did do that, that's some significant deception, right?

• 13:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, no, it's not that.

• 13:09Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so.

• 13:15Speaker 00

  I just don't know how to feel anything other than resentment and anger at this point, and so I think that's probably just an easy way to direct my anger.

• 13:23Dr. John Delony?

  There you go. That's a really powerful statement you just made.

• 13:32Dr. John Delony?

  There's not an easy remedy for, "My husband says he's gonna throw up."

• 13:38Dr. John Delony?

  There's no remedy for, there's no easy remedy for, "My husband has refused to look at my naked body for 12 years, period."

• 13:48Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna be really honest with you and tell you, I've never heard that.

• 13:53Dr. John Delony?

  And I've talked to thousands of different people.

• 13:58Dr. John Delony?

  Because that's not a...

• 14:04Dr. John Delony?

  That is an, "I'm going out of my way to make sure you don't feel loved."

• 14:14Dr. John Delony?

  Do you get what I'm saying?

• 14:16Dr. John Delony?

  And I get how this gets all tangled up into, "She won't do this particular act."

• 14:23Dr. John Delony?

  And I would tell some guys, "Dude, get over yourself. Move on with your life. Y'all have a healthy sex life. Y'all have a bunch of stuff," and you're focusing on this one thing she won't do. I don't hear that in your situation at all, okay?

• 14:37Dr. John Delony?

  Because I do get calls, mostly from men, or have conversations behind closed doors with mostly men who are like, "Man, she does this and this, but she won't do this one thing," and that's this, like, the glasses they wear is just the one thing she won't do. And it's a refusal to honor discomfort on a particular thing.

• 14:57Dr. John Delony?

  This is different.

• 14:59Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 15:00Dr. John Delony?

  This is a wholesale rejection of you.

• 15:08Dr. John Delony?

  And this is hard to hold this tension.

• 15:13Dr. John Delony?

  I can't sit here without having talked to him and say that the rejection of you is somehow malicious or evil or mean.

• 15:25Speaker 00

  I don't think that it is. I think he just doesn't want to. Like, he doesn't want to see me because he thinks it's gross. He doesn't want to.

• 15:35Dr. John Delony?

  But the fact that he hasn't been curious, like, let's figure this out together. I think this is gonna be gross. Well, let's find out. You know what I'm saying?

• 15:44Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 15:46Dr. John Delony?

  That, to me, is the gap.

• 15:53Speaker 00

  I don't know. I don't know where to go.

• 15:57Dr. John Delony?

  So, the unhelpful wisdom I have for you is this: You've boxed yourself in with, in this, in this world, which is, "I will not leave,

• 16:10Dr. John Delony?

  and I really, really want this part of my life," which nobody on earth would blame you for, for wanting to be desired by your spouse. Okay?

• 16:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:24Dr. John Delony?

  Um, and so, the only path in this box that you've made

• 16:32Dr. John Delony?

  is to decide, "I'm going to let go of resentment," because it's solving no problems for me. It's just setting fire to the small cage I've put myself in.

• 16:45Speaker 00

  I don't know how.

• 16:46Dr. John Delony?

  I know.

• 16:49Dr. John Delony?

  I don't, I, I, I can walk you through it, but I couldn't do it in a, in a 15-minute phone call.

• 16:54Speaker 00

  No, sure.

• 16:55Dr. John Delony?

  I can sit here with you.

• 17:10Dr. John Delony?

  Because your pain and your hurt is very, very real. The rejection is very, very real.

• 17:18Speaker 00

  Thanks.

• 17:20Dr. John Delony?

  You're not crazy.

• 17:22Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 17:22Dr. John Delony?

  Being told that you're disgusting is... I can't wrap my head around feeling like that.

• 17:29Dr. John Delony?

  So if physical, sexual intimacy is off the table in your marriage, you have two choices: you can stay... You have three choices: you can stay and be miserable and be angry all the time.

• 17:42Speaker 00

  That's what's happening now.

• 17:44Dr. John Delony?

  B, you can leave, and you've said, "I'm not gonna do that."

• 17:47Speaker 00

  Nope.

• 17:49Dr. John Delony?

  Or C, "I'm gonna stay, and I'm gonna find out what play and eros and eroticism and joy and laughter looks like in this set of circumstances that I have found myself."

• 18:06Speaker 00

  Okay, how do I do that?

• 18:08Dr. John Delony?

  You gotta sit down with a therapist and walk through that. It's gonna take time.

• 18:12Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 18:16Dr. John Delony?

  And going in the front end with a therapist and saying, "I'm not leaving my husband, and everyone tells me to leave him. I'm not going to, period.

• 18:24Dr. John Delony?

  I wanna learn how to grieve well,

• 18:27Dr. John Delony?

  and I wanna learn how to be compassionate at the same time."

• 18:31Dr. John Delony?

  Because here's the thing: I'm hearing from your voice that you don't believe him.

• 18:38Speaker 00

  Um, I think I've just felt so much resentment for so long that I have had to direct it somewhere. And I've known about myself for, you know, since I was a teenager, that this is who I am. And it's something about myself that I really like. I like that I feel this way and that I knew I was gonna want to have this as part of my life. And I spent most of my teenage years and young adult years looking forward to sharing that with my husband. And when I got married, being like, "Guess what?"

• 19:14Speaker 00

  And so the fact that this, like, piece of myself that I really like about myself is the thing that causes all the pain.

• 19:21Dr. John Delony?

  But it's not, though. It's deeper than that.

• 19:27Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying? Like, you had this picture of what you thought your marriage was gonna be, and that picture's different. Now, you've heard my show, that happens all the time. People who find out they're not gonna have kids, and they had a picture in their head of 10 kids. And people who have lost, and people who... Like, that happens all the time. And it's painful, and it's the worst, and it happens to every married person in some shape, form, or fashion. They had a picture of what they thought things were gonna look like, and it's different.

• 19:54Dr. John Delony?

  But this is different than that, underneath it all. If, in your bones, you don't believe him, then the rejection is an active... He is actively rejecting you.

• 20:09Dr. John Delony?

  I am choosing

• 20:14Dr. John Delony?

  my whatever over your...

• 20:19Dr. John Delony?

  Any... like, being with you.

• 20:23Dr. John Delony?

  Or, if you dig all the way down and you realize, "Oh, my gosh, I believe him." Because he's amazing in every other way.

• 20:34Dr. John Delony?

  Then there is the, "I'm gonna grieve it like crazy."

• 20:41Dr. John Delony?

  And that energy I have, that expression, that power that's inside of me, where else is that gonna be channeled? How am I gonna make meaning and purpose of this?

• 20:53Dr. John Delony?

  So, so, so, so much here.

• 20:57Dr. John Delony?

  And, sorry, I couldn't just, yeah, wave a magic wand on this one. And, sorry, I don't have a good lived experience here. I haven't had this conversation before. This one's out of my depths.

• 21:09Dr. John Delony?

  But I would sit down with a therapist and say, "I'm not leaving him. I need some path forward, because I do think he's a great man who is incapable of giving me this part of my life. And I'm not gonna leave him. So, I'm gonna grieve it.

• 21:26Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm gonna realize that my cage is locked from the inside, and I'm gonna step out of it. Or, I'm gonna really get down into my bones and realize, "I think he's doing this to me."

• 21:40Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm gonna act accordingly there, because then it's an act of fidelity. It's an act of... or an act of infidelity.

• 21:49Dr. John Delony?

  Somebody's willfully withholding and willfully not doing the work they can do to become whole themselves so that we can build something amazing. And this whole thing gets so messy and it's so abused and it's so hard to talk about in a tiny little sliver like this. But I'm really, really grateful for your call. Thank you so, so much, Sarah. Sorry I wasn't much help on this one. We come back, a man asks how to overcome resentment toward his oldest child. Every single day of my life, I talk to people who are anxious and overwhelmed. And one of the things that can send people straight into panic mode is identity theft. When your identity gets stolen, it's not just a financial problem. It is a financial problem, but it's not just a financial problem.

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• 25:12Dr. John Delony?

  Go get started being healthy. All right, Brooklyn, New York, let's talk to Nick. What's up, Nick?

• 25:19Speaker 03

  Hey, hey, John, thanks for having me.

• 25:22Dr. John Delony?

  You got it, brother. What's up?

• 25:24Speaker 03

  I'm Major. Thanks for having me. I'm a massive fan. I wanted to get into the question, you know, that really brought this. So I've just been seeing a lot recently, especially, I mean, it's been going on, I would say, a while, but as I'm doing more thinking, you know, I'm just getting to a point where I'm getting very frustrated at my oldest son, and I could compare it to my second son that I have. My oldest son is almost three, and I think that I lack, there's a part of me that just lacks patience and kindness towards him, and thinking and thinking through it.

• 26:02Speaker 03

  I think that there's a part of me that hasn't like let go of the fact that I'm a parent and I'm not single anymore and I have responsibilities. And I think there's a resentment in me somewhere that I can't seem to let go. And I think that triggers a lot of anger and frustration and impatience. And comparing it to my second child, I don't feel or get angry or frustrated or lose my patience with my second child almost never compared to my first child. My first child's almost three, my second child's a year and four months.

• 26:35Dr. John Delony?

  So what is it about this three year old that sets you off, man?

• 26:40Speaker 03

  Literally everything, everything, I mean, it's.

• 26:44Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, three year olds will do that, you know why? Cause they're three, but, but I guess, how old are you?

• 26:51Speaker 03

  I am 26.

• 26:52Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so as a 26 year old man, why is, why are your feelings subject to the whims of a three year old?

• 27:04Speaker 03

  Cause that's my whole world right now.

• 27:07Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about that.

• 27:09Speaker 03

  Besides, outside of work, I'm coming home and it's to my wife and kids. And when I wake up, I'm waking up at six o'clock to a cranky kid. When I come home, I'm coming to a cranky kid or not, I don't know what I'm coming into. And yes, his tantrums, for example, are not going to set my mood per se. Um, but it's more that, yes, three year olds aren't supposed to listen, but he could listen and he knows how to listen. And when he looks at me and doesn't listen to me and just laughs, I just get very frustrated. I'm very angry.

• 27:43Speaker 03

  Not something that I'm proud of.

• 27:44Dr. John Delony?

  No, I'm, I'm, I'm, I am, I am balancing. So he, hear me say this, I'm just gonna be as open as I can. I'm balancing my complete and utter understanding of where you're at.

• 27:58Speaker 03

  Sure.

• 27:58Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 28:00Dr. John Delony?

  With also my, I am proud of you for being honest.

• 28:08Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm balancing those two things with my, I wanna like grab your head and shake you. Right?

• 28:17Speaker 03

  That's how my wife is sometimes also.

• 28:19Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 28:19Speaker 03

  She's a massive fan.

• 28:21Dr. John Delony?

  Well, good. So, on your behalf, sorry if she bombarded you with clips from my show like, "You need to do like this," right?

• 28:28Speaker 03

  Yes, we go on, we go on road trips and she's like, "We're gonna listen to John Valoni now."

• 28:32Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, I'm sorry. Um, the, the, uh...

• 28:43Speaker 03

  I know from a logical perspective...

• 28:46Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, this has nothing to do with logic.

• 28:47Speaker 03

  It makes no sense.

• 28:47Dr. John Delony?

  Let, let's, no, it makes perfect sense. Um, I guess my, my question for you is, what do you think you're missing out on?

• 28:59Speaker 03

  I think I don't know what I'm missing out on.

• 29:01Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, I'll, I'll tell you right now exactly what you're missing out on, okay?

• 29:05Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 29:06Dr. John Delony?

  You're missing out on the amazing, extraordinary adventure of a father and his son.

• 29:18Dr. John Delony?

  You're not missing out on drinks at the bar. You're not missing out on shenanigans with your buddies.

• 29:27Dr. John Delony?

  You think, y, y, y, you like to think that's when life was free and that's when life was good.

• 29:35Dr. John Delony?

  But that, that's, that's playing at, uh, as Jimmy Carr says, that's playing at the low stakes table. That's playing the penny slots and thinking you're having fun.

• 29:47Dr. John Delony?

  And then you moved up to the big kid slots. You moved up, you, you got off the slots and you moved up to the big kid blackjack table and now you're in a real game.

• 29:57Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying?

• 29:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 30:01Dr. John Delony?

  And i, i, in a weird way, it's like, I hear you saying like, "You don't deserve this."

• 30:11Dr. John Delony?

  Like, how dare a three-year-old disrespect me? And I'm like, "Bro, he's three." You're putting adult responsibilities and adult ways of seeing the world on a basically a raw nerve.

• 30:29Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying?

• 30:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 30:34Speaker 03

  And it's hard for me.

• 30:37Dr. John Delony?

  I know, but I think it's... Tell me if I'm wrong. Is it frustrating you because it's reflecting to you how powerless you actually are to the world you're in now?

• 30:46Speaker 03

  Definitely, there's a... Yes, definitely. I am not willing to admit. Or, I mean, consciously, I'm able to admit it, but subconsciously, there's a blockage that's not allowing this to happen.

• 30:57Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, that blockage is called ego, and it's gonna destroy your family unless you go to war against it right now.

• 31:04Speaker 03

  Right.

• 31:05Dr. John Delony?

  Because you're not less of a man when your three-year-old talks back to you.

• 31:11Dr. John Delony?

  You're not missing out on an extra 30 minutes of sleep when your six-year-old... I mean, your three-year-old comes waddling into your room, cranky, and wants to get in bed with you.

• 31:20Dr. John Delony?

  You're winning everything.

• 31:27Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying?

• 31:29Speaker 03

  Right.

• 31:33Speaker 03

  So, in playing this big-boy game, you know, let's say this big-boy game of poker.

• 31:39Dr. John Delony?

  Uh huh.

• 31:41Speaker 03

  You know, I wake up every day, and I'm like, "Okay, I'm gonna be the best father I could possibly be today." And I literally wake up every single morning, and I try to think of how the day was yesterday, where I could improve. And I really think about it as much as I can, and I'm trying to make improvements. And then, just one small thing just, like, tips my scales. I don't know how to restart my day.

• 32:03Dr. John Delony?

  I've got you.

• 32:05Speaker 03

  And I don't know how to just get over it.

• 32:05Dr. John Delony?

  I've got you. Okay, you ready? You're gonna be a great father in the rearview mirror.

• 32:15Dr. John Delony?

  The line, "He was a great father," will be something that your boys say at your funeral.

• 32:23Dr. John Delony?

  If you make that your goal every morning, you have launched out, like, that's like saying, "I'm gonna go bench press 500 pounds this morning."

• 32:33Dr. John Delony?

  You're setting yourself up to fail.

• 32:36Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 32:37Dr. John Delony?

  Wake up with way, way more actionable habits and goals.

• 32:45Dr. John Delony?

  Like this.

• 32:48Dr. John Delony?

  "I'm gonna go love well today."

• 32:53Dr. John Delony?

  "I'm gonna go be silly with my three-year-old boy today."

• 32:59Dr. John Delony?

  "I'm not gonna try to give him lessons of discipline and correction." He's three. By the way, he's taking his cues of emotional volatility from his dad. He's just mirroring it back to you. Which is what makes it so frustrating.

• 33:21Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying?

• 33:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 33:23Dr. John Delony?

  Like waking up every day like, "I'm gonna be the best dad in the world." Dude, no, no man can live up to that.

• 33:30Dr. John Delony?

  And here's why. That's a moving finish line. You can never reach that finish line. Because you always could have made more money, sent him to a better school, been more supportive, shown up at more things. Like, that is, that's what's got our culture into the mess it's in right now.

• 33:44Dr. John Delony?

  Is you're turning being a father into some sort of, um, stage performance.

• 33:53Speaker 03

  Right.

• 33:56Dr. John Delony?

  Be with-

• 33:57Speaker 03

  I guess it does feel like I'm failing the stage performance.

• 33:59Dr. John Delony?

  That's it. And you are, because it's an impossible, it's never meant to be on a stage.

• 34:09Dr. John Delony?

  A father, your kid, your kids are gonna watch you and your son is gonna absorb the tension in your home. And if he feels dad is pissed off at his job, pissed off that he, I'm getting a sense, was this, was, he a planned pregnancy or no?

• 34:28Speaker 03

  That's a little complicated. Um, no, it was, it was planned, yes, because wasn't really proper birth control in place. And when during my engagement, I didn't really have the, as you, I mean, I told you when 26, I was young, um, and I didn't really have the words to communicate in a normal and safe, proper tone that I'm not ready to have kids. So we basically, yeah, it's just a result of, um, not using proper protection.

• 34:57Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. For all that is holy, do not make that kid carry the weight of that.

• 35:04Speaker 03

  Correct.

• 35:06Dr. John Delony?

  This isn't his fault. He's not here, he didn't choose to be here. You did.

• 35:09Speaker 03

  Correct.

• 35:12Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so we're gonna honor the bloody hell out of this kid. And I'm gonna seek one connection point in the morning. I am going to seek to be the calm presence in my home. I'm gonna make peace with my job, but I'm working like crazy, cuz then I got two kids and I live in Brooklyn, we don't have any money. And when a kid, when a kid feels peace in their home, they have a chance for their nervous system to be at peace.

• 35:48Speaker 03

  Correct. It's kind of like I'm waiting for the next thing to happen.

• 35:55Dr. John Delony?

  What's, what next thing?

• 35:57Speaker 03

  Just the next tantrum, the next, the next, just whatever comes and whatever's gonna come out of my three-year-old's mouth, just waiting for the next thing, what's gonna happen now?

• 36:12Dr. John Delony?

  Do you realize that the whole, your whole house is spinning on the top that is your three-year-old? He can't carry the weight.

• 36:24Dr. John Delony?

  He's three.

• 36:27Dr. John Delony?

  Like if his dad is so reactive that he's waiting to see what he does or says next, he can't possibly win that engagement. And here's what will happen. He'll learn quickly that it's his job to make sure dad's not in a bad mood.

• 36:42Dr. John Delony?

  And he'll either bury himself trying to make you happy,

• 36:47Dr. John Delony?

  or he'll go to war with you so he can finally be seen in any shape, form, or fashion he can be seen in.

• 36:55Speaker 03

  Correct, and I see those two extremes.

• 36:57Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 36:59Dr. John Delony?

  We're gonna take all that weight off his bar right now. He's three, man. He's too early to be in the weight room.

• 37:07Dr. John Delony?

  When he throws a temper tantrum, we're gonna get down on eye level with him and we're gonna say, "Hey bud, I'm right here.

• 37:15Dr. John Delony?

  As soon as you're done, I'm ready to play with the ball. I'll be in the other room with the ball."

• 37:22Dr. John Delony?

  And you can walk to the other room and flex your muscles and be like, right? But he's not gonna see that.

• 37:30Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm gonna begin practicing not outsourcing my feelings to the performance of a three-year-old.

• 37:38Dr. John Delony?

  Here's the thing. It's having compassion with yourself in your instant response.

• 37:45Dr. John Delony?

  And then do the next right thing, which often is, I'm gonna back up for a second.

• 37:51Dr. John Delony?

  If you put this down on paper and read it to your wife, face to face, looking her in the eye when you can,

• 37:59Dr. John Delony?

  and say, "I wanna practice humility. I wanna practice letting my ego go. I wanna practice letting this anger go.

• 38:09Dr. John Delony?

  I need to learn some new skills. Will you be my eye in the sky when I can't see?"

• 38:16Dr. John Delony?

  After she picks her jaw up off the floor, my gut tells me she's gonna hug you big and say, "Yes, I'm with you."

• 38:23Dr. John Delony?

  Is that fair?

• 38:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:27Dr. John Delony?

  Can I just tell you, man, there's a lot of dads who cash out and you're not one of them, and I'm proud of you.

• 38:32Speaker 03

  Appreciate it, brother.

• 38:34Dr. John Delony?

  Like, for real. Not just talking, I'm for real.

• 38:38Speaker 03

  Thank you, appreciate it.

• 38:39Dr. John Delony?

  And if you're able to get control of your anger now and get control of your need to inflict power over instead of be with your son, my God, dude, you're setting up a lifelong relationship with your oldest boy that's going to be transformative for you, for him, and for your entire family tree.

• 39:02Dr. John Delony?

  But that starts with you inside your own chest, not with the actions of a three-year-old.

• 39:08Dr. John Delony?

  This is about emotional maturity and strength that comes in the form of humility and exhale and not outsourcing feelings to a kid. I'm proud of you, brother. Call me anytime, man. I'll walk with you on this one. This is, this right here, brothers, how family trees change. We come back, a man asks if he needs to match his girlfriend's sex drive and how to handle the pressure to commit.

• 39:35Dr. John Delony?

  All right, true story. I was going to lunch with my producer Kelly and she got into my truck and she was expecting to hear some kind of punk rock music and she was surprised to hear a gentle voice reading Jesus's famous Sermon on the Mount. I looked at her and said, "Yeah, I don't just advertise for Hallow, I actually use it." Hallow is the number one Christian prayer meditation app in the world for a reason, and it's become one of the most important things I do to start every day. It helps me anchor myself in prayer, helps me slow down and prioritize what matters most to me before the world swallows up all of my time and all of my attention. Hallow gives you space to breathe, reflect, and pray. It's guided, it's simple, and it meets you where you are to

• 40:17Dr. John Delony?

  help you anchor your faith, practice with daily reflections, scripture, music, special series, and most importantly, peace. You can try Hallow for free for three months only through my link. Go to hallow.com/deloney and sign up for three months for free today. That's hallow.com/deloney for three months for free. All right, let's go out to New York, New York and talk to James. What's up, James?

• 40:44Speaker 04

  Hey, how's it going, John?

• 40:46Dr. John Delony?

  I'm good, brother. What's up, man?

• 40:48Speaker 04

  Hey, so basically, my girlfriend, she put basically an ultimatum saying she gave me till June 1st to tell me that I plan to marry her, otherwise she doesn't want to waste her time, basically.

• 41:04Dr. John Delony?

  How old are you?

• 41:06Speaker 04

  I'm 30, she's 32.

• 41:08Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 41:10Dr. John Delony?

  Do you want to marry her?

• 41:13Speaker 04

  God, I wish I could have a confident answer. I told her I'm on that path and I want to get there, but...

• 41:22Dr. John Delony?

  You're 30. You're 30. How long have you all been together?

• 41:25Speaker 04

  Two years.

• 41:26Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, you know.

• 41:29Speaker 04

  I wish I did.

• 41:30Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, then not knowing, is that an answer too?

• 41:35Speaker 04

  Yeah, that's what I told her and like I respected her for giving me that timeframe. Like, you know, that's fair. I don't want to waste your time either and I love her and I really, I could see a life with her, but I feel like we're still growing our relationship and...

• 41:50Dr. John Delony?

  You're gonna grow your... Dude, I've been married for 23 and a half years. My relationship's growing minute by minute still.

• 41:57Speaker 04

  I guess that is, yeah.

• 41:59Dr. John Delony?

  Like, what are you afraid of? Take sex off the table for a second. Where are y'all not aligned?

• 42:06Speaker 04

  Yeah, I've thought about that. I'm afraid that our values might not align in terms of... She wants to move out of the city in three years. I don't. I'm... I have a big side hustle, passion of music production. I want to be able to focus on that and do that a lot. And being out of the city, I feel like I wouldn't be able to do that as much. Um, her first priority is I want to start a family. I want to have kids. I want to live in the suburbs. There's that.

• 42:36Dr. John Delony?

  Do you want to have kids?

• 42:38Speaker 04

  I do.

• 42:41Dr. John Delony?

  So, this is gonna sound crazy, and I was much younger than you, okay? At 21, I was 21 and my wife was 20, she was my girlfriend at the time, we broke up. And here was my reasoning. If all of my dreams come true, and all of her dreams come true, we'll end up on opposite sides of the planet, literally.

• 43:02Speaker 04

  Right.

• 43:04Dr. John Delony?

  What I did not have a capacity for was how silly and ridiculous my dreams were in comparison to how great a connected and amazing marriage and kids and that whole other thing was.

• 43:17Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 43:19Dr. John Delony?

  And I'll tell you this, in a million billion years, I would not have been able to communicate to my 21-year-old self, or even my 30-year-old self, "Hang on, brother, the thing you think you want is coming, but it's gonna come later than you think it's going to." And now I travel the country and speak and do comedy and laugh and play music, I do all of it. I have the time of my life now, and it's a thousand times better because I'm anchored with somebody doing life together. But, here's the thing.

• 43:52Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 43:56Dr. John Delony?

  If that's not where you are right now, that's okay. Let her go.

• 44:05Dr. John Delony?

  Because what you want is all of it.

• 44:12Speaker 04

  Yeah, that's where I'm conflicted, I'm like, if I'm not at that point yet where I'm ready to quote-unquote "settle down," like, what if I get there in two years and I regret leaving her because that would've worked out? Like, I feel like there's a lot of pressure there, I just feel like it's too soon for me to be able to confidently know, like, "Yeah, I want to spend the rest of my life with her and like, this is the path I want to take in my life."

• 44:44Speaker 04

  And I totally get the, having a partner to be that wind under your sails as you, you know, reach for your goals, and she's very supportive, and I really love her for that.

• 45:03Speaker 04

  We're not without our squabbles and fights and, you know, I feel like we fight more than the average couple and I'm like, is this, you know, gonna get better? Is this worth, you know, if it stays like this, is this worth it for the rest of my life? A lot of questions like that.

• 45:24Dr. John Delony?

  And here's the thing I'm hearing under all of your of your concerns and questions is what I think is one of the most damaging phrases in the English language. This is just gonna be the way this is. And what you're leaving out is you and her get to co-create whatever world y'all want.

• 45:48Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 45:51Dr. John Delony?

  And if she has said, I am not interested in co-creating a world with you, I'm interested in marrying somebody who wants to live in my world, I will tell you, y'all should not get married.

• 46:02Speaker 04

  No, she's not said that.

• 46:06Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, if you're saying that, I want to marry you, but I want you to live in my world, in this town with my side hustles, with my passions, my dreams, I would tell her, don't marry this guy.

• 46:23Speaker 04

  Right. Well, it's just gonna be compromise on both sides and...

• 46:31Dr. John Delony?

  Well, compromise is a great, wonderful, beautiful thing. Negotiation is a great important thing. Coercion is not. Nagging is not. Dishonesty is not.

• 46:43Speaker 04

  Yeah, I guess I'm afraid of like, letting my dreams die.

• 46:50Dr. John Delony?

  So, so walk with me. How do your dreams die?

• 46:54Speaker 04

  I don't get to do what I do as frequently. I don't get to be around...

• 47:01Dr. John Delony?

  What is it that you do?

• 47:02Speaker 04

  Music production, so producing, mixing, recording.

• 47:05Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so you live in the burbs, you can't go to town, and people won't come out to see you?

• 47:09Speaker 04

  I mean, I could, it was gonna be a lot harder.

• 47:12Dr. John Delony?

  What does that mean?

• 47:13Speaker 04

  And it can take a lot more time, I'm not gonna be able to easily bring clients to my place like I do now, going to shows, I'm not in the mecca of it all.

• 47:28Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 47:34Dr. John Delony?

  So I'm being provocative here, okay? So let her go.

• 47:41Speaker 04

  Yeah, right. I'm like,

• 47:47Speaker 04

  if I let her go, am I going to

• 47:50Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, you will.

• 47:51Speaker 04

  try so hard to find someone better and like, better, that's, that's totally relative and up and everyone's gonna have.

• 47:59Dr. John Delony?

  I know, I get that. I know, I know, I know. I know what you mean. I know what you meant.

• 48:03Speaker 04

  Yeah, but like.

• 48:05Dr. John Delony?

  More compatible.

• 48:06Speaker 04

  A thing that comes to my mind a lot is like, she's not a creative, doesn't have that creative drive, doesn't have like, you know, any like big passions that she worked towards. Like she has hobbies, but like not like something she's working towards, right?

• 48:19Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but you, you've never seen creativity in action till you've seen somebody who says, I want to be a full-time mother.

• 48:27Dr. John Delony?

  That doesn't come with beats and it doesn't come with clients.

• 48:32Speaker 04

  She would be a great mother.

• 48:35Dr. John Delony?

  That's what I'm saying. Like it's, it's, I'm not going to judge the word creativity in just this vein as an artist.

• 48:42Dr. John Delony?

  Cause I know some incredibly creative plumbers and some incredibly creative mothers and some incredibly creative coaches, right?

• 48:50Speaker 04

  That's a good way to look at it.

• 48:53Dr. John Delony?

  And I am maniacally creative all over the place. My wife is creative in ways that are awesome. You know why? Our bills get paid. Right? Like she makes sure our lights stay on. It was a shock to me that they wanted to get paid every month for water, right?

• 49:18Dr. John Delony?

  And so what some people see for, if you're a creative, they see a going all in on a relationship and putting the relationship ahead of my creativity. Like, the most important thing to me on planet Earth is this marriage.

• 49:32Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 49:33Dr. John Delony?

  What they often miss is that it's not a ball and chain. It is a secure anchor point to now I can jump off even higher heights because I'm connected to something bigger than myself.

• 49:50Speaker 04

  Yeah, and that is hard for me to fathom, but I keep hearing that.

• 49:54Dr. John Delony?

  I know, but listen, that goes in the other way. There are people who get connected and that person is a ball and chain. You're gonna live in my world now. You're giving up this stupid music stuff because you got kids.

• 50:07Speaker 04

  Right.

• 50:08Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 50:10Dr. John Delony?

  And so I don't know that, I can't tell you the difference for you. I don't know her, I don't know you, I don't know y'all's dynamic, I don't know any of that kind of stuff.

• 50:20Dr. John Delony?

  I don't know if you're scared to commit, or man, you've had two years and you know, I love this person and just because I love her doesn't mean she's my forever person.

• 50:30Speaker 04

  God, yeah, there's so much there. I don't think she's a ball and chain person. We've worked a lot through that. Maybe at first she was pretty rigid of like, this is what I want our relationship to look like, but lots of trials and tribulations. And a part of me is like, is life supposed to be this much like, hard work? Yes, I know, but like, all these fights and all these like...

• 50:53Dr. John Delony?

  What do you fight about? What do y'all fight about?

• 50:56Speaker 04

  I feel like I'm the typical dismissive avoidant, she's the gangster's attachment, and I like, my space means I have my autonomy and she wants, you know, to be able to spend this much time together and do things in the way that she thinks is right. Like, we should do this amount of time in this way, and...

• 51:22Speaker 04

  When, and she tends to like shut down and get very emotional if I disagree with her on something and we've had a lot of work with that and it has gotten better. Like, you know, a year ago, I would be like, this is, this is too much, but it's gone on the up trajectory, but it's still, it's like, almost every week, we're having one of these, these kind of, these arguments.

• 51:56Dr. John Delony?

  So, here's the only way I've seen long-term relationships be really successful, okay? It is so counterintuitive and so counter-cultural and the internet will light me up for saying what I'm about to say, okay? It is a race to see who can out-serve the other.

• 52:19Speaker 04

  Out-serve the other.

• 52:21Dr. John Delony?

  And I would, in my world, I would want my wife traveling with me to every show, being on the front row of every live event. I would want that.

• 52:35Dr. John Delony?

  And that's an extraordinary amount of pressure because on the front row of every show, everybody looks to my wife to see if she's laughing, is she engaged, does she think this is funny? And suddenly, she's on a secondary spotlight that she never asked for.

• 52:48Dr. John Delony?

  And so, I am racing to serve her in every way possible. Which is, I'm always gonna say, "I would love you to be there," and I am not gonna take personally, even though I feel it, when she says, "I'm gonna sit this one out," or "The kids need to do this," or "I need to be home for this." Awesome. Because I honor and respect that. And, on the other side, she puts on the calendar, "I'm gonna go to this one," and I'm gonna sit through and wade through my discomfort, because I know how much it means to him.

• 53:22Dr. John Delony?

  And it's a dance forever. And the moment we start saying, "Well, what about me, and what about me, and what about me?" Is the moment we start keeping score, and that's the moment this thing starts to fall apart.

• 53:36Dr. John Delony?

  And if you're not there, that's okay. But choose reality here.

• 53:46Dr. John Delony?

  What does that mean in brass tacks for you? Can you say out loud, "Here's what I want. I want to see you as often as I can. But Monday, Wednesday, and Friday are my music nights."

• 54:03Dr. John Delony?

  And can she hear that? Not as rejection, but as my boyfriend is going to come home so fulfilled creatively and so whole that when I have him, it's going to be laser focused.

• 54:17Speaker 04

  Yeah, we have a lot of discussions about that. And that's gotten better, too. She gives me the time, so if I need to work on my music stuff. And I make sure when I'm done that I spend whatever the free time of the night I have with her.

• 54:35Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, is that time life-giving? Is it fulfilling? Does it make you feel whole and able to go tackle the next day even greater? Or is it on a task list of things you need to do along with laundry and everything else?

• 54:50Speaker 04

  It's nice. It's comforting. She is a great comfort to me.

• 54:59Speaker 04

  That's where the sex thing comes in, where I'm like, "I don't have the energy to do that after this, a night like this."

• 55:06Dr. John Delony?

  And so, what is... Sex is a part of it, okay? But I think there's a much bigger picture here, which is, am I creating a world? Or will I be interested in creating a world?

• 55:19Dr. John Delony?

  Where she and your marriage come first?

• 55:24Dr. John Delony?

  And for her, where you and your marriage come first?

• 55:32Dr. John Delony?

  And we can put all the things, sex drive differences, where we want to live differences, how many kids we want to have. We can navigate those things all through this one singular lens, which is our marriage wins.

• 55:47Dr. John Delony?

  And that means some of us are going to grieve things that we wanted it to be, and it's not going to be that way. But the marriage is more important than that.

• 55:55Dr. John Delony?

  And I don't get the sense that y'all are there yet.

• 55:59Dr. John Delony?

  I'll tell you this, you're going to make a hit record. It's going to happen.

• 56:05Dr. John Delony?

  You're gonna make a hit record and it's gonna go big.

• 56:10Dr. John Delony?

  Ask yourself when you're holding this hit record.

• 56:14Dr. John Delony?

  You wanna celebrate with your boys, you wanna celebrate with her?

• 56:18Dr. John Delony?

  That's the question you'd ask yourself.

• 56:22Dr. John Delony?

  Cause if your first thought is, "She's gonna be my first call",

• 56:27Dr. John Delony?

  then the record doesn't matter so much, because you found your person.

• 56:32Dr. John Delony?

  If it's, "I got this hit record and I'm going out with the boys. Tonight, we're gonna burn this town down. I'll call her tomorrow", that's a good question. I mean, that's a good answer for you.

• 56:42Dr. John Delony?

  None of this is easy, brother. But let's think in steps, not in feelings. We'll be right back.

• 56:50Dr. John Delony?

  This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Financial stress does not just damage our bank accounts. It can also damage our mental and emotional health, and it can really take a toll on our relationships. Money worries cause anxiety and they're one of the leading sources of conflict for couples. My wife and I struggled with money stress for years and it definitely had a negative impact on our relationship. Therapy can help even with money. Therapy is not about financial advice, but it is about helping you build healthier ways of coping with money stress and giving you strategies to communicate about money without always going to war. I want you to check out my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that matches you with a licensed therapist based on your goals and your preferences.

• 57:34Dr. John Delony?

  BetterHelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and they are fully licensed in the United States. You can message your therapist and schedule sessions right in the platform. And if the first therapist isn't the right fit, you can switch at any time for no additional cost. When life feels overwhelming, therapy can help. Visit betterhelp.com/daloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H E L P, dot com slash dalloney.

• 58:01Dr. John Delony?

  All right, Kelly, something cool happened. What is it?

• 58:03Speaker 02

  All right, this is from Adam in Springfield, Virginia. And he writes, "On January 31st, my wife and I got our first pregnancy test positive after trying for almost a year. About 10 days later, on February 9th and 10th, my wife was experiencing bleeding and stomach pains. And it was confirmed by our doctor that she had miscarried. I've been watching your show for several months and your advice really helped me navigate this with her. We are buying a memorial box and will write letters to our angel. We have a healing journey ahead of us, but your advice, I think, puts us on the right track. Thank you."

• 58:35Dr. John Delony?

  It's awesome. I hate that they're going through that together. Been through that, man. That's the worst. And good for you for heading into the healing. It's awesome. Thank you for that note, brother. And my thoughts are with you and your wife. Love you guys. Bye.