Pod Insights Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard Armchair Anonymous: Stealing III About this episode Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us about a time they stole something.
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Transcript 10,089 words · 8 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:00 Dax Shepard? Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Buck Rogers and I'm joined by Gene Lightyear and today is stealing part three. Tell us about a time you stole something. People are stealing stuff.
0:14 Speaker 01 They're out there stealing, especially you.
0:16 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
0:17 Speaker 01 You've done it once or twice.
0:17 Dax Shepard? A little bit more, but still not a ton.
0:20 Speaker 01 Okay.
0:20 Dax Shepard? Okay.
0:21 Speaker 01 It wasn't a pattern?
0:22 Dax Shepard? No, I had friends that were much worse.
0:24 Speaker 01 Okay.
0:24 Dax Shepard? I'll just say that.
0:25 Speaker 01 Okay.
0:26 Dax Shepard? And I had friends that were better. You.
0:27 Speaker 01 Thank you.
0:28 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
0:28 Speaker 01 I stole once.
0:30 Dax Shepard? Cookies.
0:30 Speaker 01 Yeah.
0:31 Dax Shepard? Please enjoy stealing part three. We get support from Quince.
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0:45 Dax Shepard? I'm fully there. The second it dips below 70, I'm like, this is my season. Give me the layers. Give me the boots. Give me a reason to wear something other than a t-shirt. And honestly, that's why I love Quince because fall is when your wardrobe actually has to show up and everything at Quince is 50 to 80% less than similar brands. We're talking 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters, starting at $60.
1:08 Speaker 01 $60. $60 for cashmere that you'd expect from a luxury brand without the luxury price tag. It's amazing. Gets me every time. It really shouldn't be real, but it is because they go straight to the factories. They skip the middlemen and they just hand you the savings. The stuff isn't trendy. It's the kind of pieces you grab over and over because they work every time.
1:26 Dax Shepard? The 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters for me are it. When I look at Steve McQueen, this man owned a couple of sweaters he wore all the time and he looks iconic.
1:35 Speaker 01 It's a uniform.
1:36 Dax Shepard? Mm-hmm.
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1:54 Dax Shepard? Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know. It was armchair expert. It's the best way to support the show. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. We've talked before about Rob building our website on Squarespace, and I bring it up again because it's a perfect example of what they do well. Rob had all the pieces, the content, the vision, the ideas, but he needed something to actually take all that and make it public facing. And Squarespace was that bridge. Maybe you're in the same spot. You've been developing something, a business, a skill set, a body of work, and it's been private.
2:39 Dax Shepard? It's been yours, but at some point you're ready to put it out there and that transition from private to public can feel like a huge leap. Squarespace makes it feel like a step. Beautiful templates, built in SEO, email campaigns, scheduling, analytics, everything you need to go from I've been working on this to here it is, come find me. All in one place, no code, no stitching together a bunch of different tools. So if you've been sitting on something and waiting for the right moment, this might be it. Head to Squarespace.com slash DAX for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code DAX to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.
3:40 Dax Shepard? Hey Dax, hey Monica.
3:41 Speaker 01 Hi.
3:41 Dax Shepard? Can you hear us?
3:42 Speaker 02 I can. How are you?
3:43 Dax Shepard? Wonderful. Where are you, John?
3:46 Speaker 02 Currently, I'm actually in a fishing slash skiing cabin in southern Vermont.
3:52 Speaker 01 Ooh.
3:53 Dax Shepard? Oh, boy. I just read that's one of the safest places in the country, Vermont. Do you feel safe there, John?
3:58 Speaker 02 I do. We are in the middle of absolutely nowhere.
4:01 Speaker 01 Oh, wow.
4:02 Dax Shepard? And is this a cabin you own or you've rented or you're a guest of?
4:05 Speaker 02 This is actually a yearly fishing trip and this is year number 36.
4:09 Speaker 01 Whoa, that's so cool.
4:11 Dax Shepard? With friends or family?
4:13 Speaker 02 Friends and family. It's made it through COVID and wars and you name it.
4:17 Speaker 01 I love that.
4:18 Dax Shepard? That's such an enviable tradition. Yeah, that's beautiful.
4:21 Speaker 02 Shout out to my friends who helped me set up this spot.
4:24 Dax Shepard? And what kind of fish are we getting? Is there one we're after in particular?
4:28 Speaker 02 Trout.
4:29 Dax Shepard? Trout.
4:29 Speaker 01 Oh.
4:30 Dax Shepard? And you eat them or you just catch them?
4:32 Speaker 02 Personally, I have a shellfish allergy. I don't eat fish. I don't partake in that part of it, but it's good just to be here.
4:38 Dax Shepard? Yeah. When buddies have tried to talk me into fishing, I'm like, let's start with the fact that I do not want to eat a fish, period. I don't care how well you cook it. And then also, they're slimy. I'm not dying to touch one. And then the bait also gross generally.
4:51 Speaker 02 For me, in general, it's not great, but we go along with the, uh, with the theme of the weekend.
4:56 Dax Shepard? Okay. So wow, already shocked because you have such a trustworthy face, but you're a fucking thief, John. You're a terrible thief.
5:03 Speaker 02 Yes.
5:03 Speaker 01 You're a bad, bad person, John.
5:05 Speaker 02 Not my proudest moments, but I have stolen.
5:08 Dax Shepard? Sure, I have to.
5:09 Speaker 01 Me too. We've all stolen.
5:11 Dax Shepard? Rob, have you stolen? Yeah, probably. Yeah.
5:13 Speaker 01 Probably.
5:14 Dax Shepard? Isn't it? It's like kind of universal. Makes you realize a lot of shit's getting stolen, right? Okay, set the stage for us.
5:21 Speaker 02 I actually grew up in one of the burrows in New York City. So this happens in one of the five burrows. I'm going to leave that out. We'll try and keep this somewhat anonymous. So this is the summer of a little bit hazy, 1999, maybe 2000, not quite 21, maybe a year out of high school. Little bit of a different time. All of us had fake IDs. We were able to go to bars. So we, one night, just decided to go out and have a few drinks, got a little creative. You know how those nights can go. We go about our business. We have a good time. We did the right thing. We walked. Now, these are city blocks. We're probably 10, maybe 15 blocks from my house. So we decide to walk home. Now, fast forward to the next night, we were having
6:02 Speaker 02 a party at my house. So we thought it would be great to have a party favor, just to kind of share with the group. So on the way, another friend of ours' house, very old school Italian family. So grandparents off the boat. I don't know if that's actually a thing off the boat, but that's what we say.
6:17 Dax Shepard? Sure.
6:18 Speaker 01 Yeah.
6:18 Speaker 02 Now, if you can picture, they had in their front yard, a, for lack of a better way of saying it, a concrete donkey. So this is decorative.
6:27 Dax Shepard? For people who have not been to some of the burrows in New York, this is kind of standard fare for the Italians, right? They like a nice lawn statue.
6:34 Speaker 01 Really?
6:35 Speaker 02 If it's made of concrete, we can see lions' heads. You Can see donkeys.
6:39 Speaker 01 Wow.
6:40 Speaker 02 It is a thing.
6:41 Dax Shepard? I went this Christmas, my brother and I went to one of these neighborhoods. I think it was deep in Brooklyn, but it was like, it's known for every house is so decorated. And we were walking along there, aside from the incredible light decorations. It was like, again, a ton of lawn statues. You can't help but notice.
6:57 Speaker 02 So we thought it'd be a good idea to transplant one of these statues from my friend's house to my house. Just a joke for the party the next day.
7:06 Dax Shepard? And he wasn't with you in your group of guys that were at the bar, right?
7:10 Speaker 02 No, there were just a couple of us at the bar. So we thought it'd be a nice surprise for him the next day. A little bit fuzzy on the details, but it was buried. They are quite heavy.
7:21 Speaker 02 I've looked them up. They're probably in the realm of a hundred to 125 pounds.
7:24 Dax Shepard? Okay.
7:25 Speaker 02 This one had been there for quite some time, so it was a bit in the ground. So we must've had to have done a little bit of work just to get it up. We bring the donkey back to my house. We think we go through the kitchen upstairs to the bedrooms and off to bed. Next morning, bright and early, I wake up to what I can only describe now is just blood curdling screams coming from the kitchen in my house.
7:48 Dax Shepard? Oh.
7:49 Speaker 02 I'm awoken by this. I come out of the bedroom, I look downstairs and just a murder scene. Blood and dirt and handprints and drag marks all over the wall. The floors are covered in mud.
8:01 Speaker 01 Oh, my God.
8:03 Speaker 02 So it turns out the donkey was buried a bit more than we had remembered. It was on top of another concrete block, probably a good eight to 12 inches into the ground. We, of course, coming from a bar, had no tools in us, so we used our hands. We used whatever we could find to dig it out. Those were the remnants of us thinking we just gently went off to bed. It's just an absolute mess everywhere.
8:26 Dax Shepard? You guys are bleeding profusely and didn't realize it.
8:29 Speaker 02 Hands were cut, arms were cut.
8:31 Dax Shepard? Well, you probably just carrying it home too. You probably scuffed up some shit.
8:34 Speaker 02 We couldn't get the wagon that was attached to the donkey out. But on the back of the donkey were two metal handles that the wagon attached to. That's what we brought it home with. Just raking open our legs, just cuts and dirt everywhere.
8:49 Speaker 02 So a little bit of a different time. I was underage at the time. My parents were okay with hosting parties at the house as long as everyone kind of dropped their keys in a bowl. No one was driving, you know, was kind of the city. So no real need for that. My parents did allow us to go ahead with the party we were having on night number two.
9:07 Dax Shepard? Okay. So it was mom, the one screaming like what the fuck happened to my kitchen?
9:12 Speaker 02 Mom was upset. It looked as though we dragged a dead body through the house. Now the donkey was tucked out back, but we were a little worse for the wear. So we cleaned the house, parties starting as planned on night number two, maybe about an hour in, we hear a car just screeching down the street. We could hear it from the backyard. We come up front just to see what's going on. The brother of the friend that we had borrowed the donkey from comes out of a gigantic Cadillac, baseball bat in hand.
9:45 Dax Shepard? Oh, yeah. So New York. I love this.
9:47 Speaker 02 So to set the stage, you know, none of these rumors are ever confirmed, but he was rumored to be an enforcer for the New York mafia.
9:56 Dax Shepard? Okay, great. Perfect.
9:58 Speaker 02 Perfect scenario. You know exactly what you want.
10:00 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
10:02 Speaker 02 He comes out yelling and screaming. My grandparents are heartbroken. These bastard kids took this from the front yard. We meant to keep it a secret, but we told everyone who was there. And this is a little bit before cell phones, but word got around. So he knew what was going on. We, of course, come out, we're playing done. My mother hears this now, having gone through the horror scene earlier, hasn't quite put two and two together. She comes out, starts yelling at him. They're going back and forth. Finally, you know, something along the lines was said of get your animal son off of my property or animal brother or whatever it was.
10:37 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
10:37 Speaker 02 So to give you an idea, you know, my mother is kind of the definition of New York grit for her to stand up to this person that doesn't really know what's going on.
10:45 Dax Shepard? Wielding a baseball bat.
10:46 Speaker 02 Yeah, just an idea of the type of person that she can be. She had received a Christmas card a few years prior to this from someone that she had deemed wronged her. Who knows what it was? Still unknown to this day. She thought the best course of action was to take that Christmas card, tear it up into about 100 pieces, gently put it back in an envelope, address it. Also put a return address, which was her house and mail it back to the person.
11:10 Speaker 01 Right. Okay.
11:11 Dax Shepard? All right.
11:12 Speaker 01 Sending a signal.
11:12 Dax Shepard? She can hold a grudge.
11:14 Speaker 02 She can hold a grudge and she's seen some stuff. So yelling is going on, close to becoming physical. Finally, the brother leaves. We play completely dumb about the donkey. My mother turns around and sees my friend and I, the one from the night before who were there, and she kind of puts it together and says, so is this what that mess was last night? Did you steal a goddamn donkey? And I was like, maybe. And she's like, from the New York mafia.
11:40 Speaker 02 Everything after that kind of just died down. I'd like to say, you know, our plan was to give it to my friend that day, back to his family. Didn't happen. That donkey has made a move with me five, six, seven times over the last 30 years.
11:52 Dax Shepard? Oh, it was never returned?
11:54 Speaker 02 It was never returned.
11:55 Speaker 01 Cause were you afraid to return it? Cause then you're just copying up.
11:59 Dax Shepard? Copying too?
12:00 Speaker 02 Quite a bit, yes.
12:01 Dax Shepard? Had the buddy not attended the party and seen the donkey?
12:04 Speaker 02 The donkey was tucked.
12:05 Dax Shepard? Oh, it was hidden.
12:06 Speaker 02 I would not be surprised if he listens to this. The secret might be out. I did send a picture of the donkey.
12:11 Dax Shepard? We haven't looked yet.
12:12 Speaker 01 Oh.
12:13 Dax Shepard? Oh, it's a donkable. It's very cute.
12:16 Speaker 02 So I will say I have taken care of the donkey over the years. It's had quite a few paint jobs and been moved around.
12:22 Speaker 01 I would want to steal this too.
12:24 Dax Shepard? I'd want to steal it. Presumably the grandparents have passed. That was 27 years ago.
12:28 Speaker 02 Probably.
12:29 Dax Shepard? But does the family still live in that same family house?
12:32 Speaker 02 So the house is still in the family.
12:34 Speaker 01 Oh.
12:34 Speaker 02 The friend that we took it from, I believe at this point, has taken over the house and lives in the house.
12:39 Speaker 01 Oh, my God.
12:40 Speaker 02 Now, if you had to go back and see if there's just a lonely wagon sitting in the yard, I don't know if they've replaced the donkey.
12:45 Dax Shepard? I could see a real beautiful ceremonial returning of the donkey in like a mending of fences, all's good, that ends well situation.
12:55 Speaker 01 We don't get involved and then the mafia comes for us. I'm worried.
12:59 Dax Shepard? Guy to roll up now, 30 years older, slowly gets out of the car, slowly gets the baseball bat.
13:05 Speaker 02 Just kind of holds his back as he gets out. If I didn't have sciatica, you guys would be in trouble.
13:11 Dax Shepard? This makes me kind of wish I grew up there. It feels like a very fun childhood.
13:15 Speaker 02 It was great, you know, until we started stealing from homes.
13:18 Dax Shepard? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What line of work did you end up in?
13:21 Speaker 02 I'm actually in finance. I work in university finances.
13:24 Dax Shepard? Yeah, finance, that's an option. You got like four things I'm gonna guess if you're from there. It's like you're a cop.
13:28 Speaker 02 Firefighter is gonna be on that list.
13:30 Dax Shepard? Firefighter, cop, criminal, finance.
13:34 Speaker 02 That's really it. My wife and I joke, we have a son who's either going to be the president of the United States or in jail.
13:38 Speaker 01 Oh, sometimes you can do both.
13:41 Speaker 02 Very true, Mike. I wanted to give a quick shout out to my wife, Liz. She is actually the reason why I'm listening to you guys.
13:47 Speaker 01 Thank you, Liz.
13:48 Dax Shepard? Yeah, thanks, Liz. That makes me so happy. I like when couples listen. I mean, I like when anyone listens, but I really do think it's sweet when couples share. Anything you can share, especially if you're married forever. Okay, you guys find something you both like. You're like, okay, this is going to buy us a little more time.
14:01 Speaker 02 Absolutely. Buy a time and just relax and listen.
14:05 Dax Shepard? Well, lovely meeting you, John. Thank you so much for taking time out of your fun fishing trip to talk to us.
14:09 Speaker 02 Yeah, you guys as well. This has been great. Thank you.
14:11 Dax Shepard? All right. Take care. Catch a big trout. Throw it back in the water. Don't eat it.
14:16 Speaker 01 You can get a newspaper out and you can hold it like Dax does.
14:20 Dax Shepard? Yeah, that was a pike. Not that it matters, but it was a pike. And I thought it was so big. It was 22 inches long. Then I found out that's not a very big pike.
14:29 Speaker 01 You thought it was so big.
14:30 Dax Shepard? I thought I said a world record. Yeah, I'd never seen a fish that big.
14:34 Speaker 01 It looks big in the picture.
14:35 Dax Shepard? The stealing problem reminds me, of course, several stealing situations.
14:38 Speaker 01 You've stolen a lot.
14:39 Dax Shepard? But sometimes these situations just presented themselves. So one time we were flying home. I was with my cousin. He was two years older than me. We were flying home from a car show. And I was like, oh, hey, before we split up, will you buy Aaron and I a couple cases of beer? And there was a liquor store by the airport. He's like, yeah, of course. So we get in the car and we go to this liquor store that we had been to before. And as we walk in, like, the door is wide open. And we go inside and we're hearing an alarm, but it's not an obnoxious alarm. It sounds more like, like a freezer door was open or something. And there are lights on, but they're not the normal lights. I mean, all in reflection. It was kind of like the security lights came. Like, maybe if you lost power or something, those kind of lights were on.
15:20 Speaker 01 Okay.
15:21 Dax Shepard? And we're looking around and all of a sudden it occurs to us, oh, God, someone has broken into this liquor store. There's nobody here. It's closed and someone broke in.
15:31 Dax Shepard? And we're like, oh gosh, let's get out of here. And then I was like, oh, fuck. Let's grab a couple cases of beer. So yeah, I grabbed a couple cases of beer and I did grab about five or six packs of cigarettes.
15:41 Speaker 01 And did you see anyone like murdered behind the counter?
15:43 Dax Shepard? No, I killed to know what had been stolen before we got there, that the people were gone. Or maybe they saw us come in and they hid. I don't know. But we definitely did make off with some cases of beer and some cigarettes. Yeah, but it just felt like one of these opportunities not to be missed.
15:57 Speaker 01 Yeah, I mean, I understand that's a little bit of a pickle.
16:00 Dax Shepard? I didn't go there to steal.
16:01 Speaker 01 But you did go to get underage.
16:03 Dax Shepard? Yeah, that's fine. I think everyone would agree. That's fine. Madison.
16:09 Speaker 03 Can you hear me?
16:10 Dax Shepard? Yes, we can. Can you hear us?
16:12 Speaker 03 Oh, my gosh, yes. I just landed in the Philippines. I'm on my honeymoon.
16:18 Dax Shepard? Oh, my gosh, congratulations.
16:21 Speaker 01 That's incredible.
16:22 Dax Shepard? You get to have sex for the first time tonight.
16:24 Speaker 03 Well, it's actually the end of my honeymoon. We're starting our leg back to California. I live in San Diego, so our flight was delayed. It's like 3:50 in the morning here.
16:35 Speaker 01 Oh, Jesus.
16:36 Speaker 03 I was like, be able to get on the call.
16:39 Dax Shepard? Where all did you guys go?
16:40 Speaker 03 We flew into Manila and then went immediately to Sargao, which is this kind of surf vibe. So cool island hopping. And then we went to El Nido and then we went and finished in Coran. Really random, but we've been gone for like almost three weeks.
16:55 Speaker 01 Wow.
16:56 Dax Shepard? These are all towns in the Philippines?
16:58 Speaker 03 Different islands.
16:59 Dax Shepard? Okay, I've never been. Is it wonderful?
17:01 Speaker 03 It is pretty wonderful. It's pretty wild. We were looking for a place that like we would never go again. Cause we do Europe sometimes and we're like, where's somewhere that's gonna feel like so far crazy. And I definitely accomplished that. We definitely have had some crazy things going.
17:18 Speaker 01 Wow, you'll have to write back for honeymoon.
17:20 Dax Shepard? Yeah, yeah, crazy honeymoon.
17:22 Speaker 03 Five days ago, I got this crazy thing called jungle rash and it's on my butt. The whole like sex thing. It was so bad. I had to go to the hospital.
17:34 Speaker 01 Oh, my God.
17:35 Speaker 03 Yeah, it was like crazy. So bad, like boiling rash.
17:40 Dax Shepard? Oh.
17:41 Speaker 03 So, yeah, I'm a little tired.
17:43 Dax Shepard? Well, good. We'll probably get the most revealing version of the story in your delirium.
17:56 Dax Shepard? This episode is supported by Helix.
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18:10 Dax Shepard? That's the dream. You just described one of my ideal fall nights.
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19:08 Dax Shepard? Go to helixsleep.com/armchair for 20% off site wide. That's helixsleep.com/armchair for 20% off site wide. Helixsleep.com/armchair. We get support from our sponsor, Lily. For adults with obesity or with excess weight and weight-related medical problems, it's time to find out about Foundo or for Glee Ron. Foundo is a once daily prescription GLP-1 medicine used with a reduced calorie diet and increased physical activity to help adults with obesity or some adults with overweight who also have weight-related medical problems to lose excess body weight and keep the weight off.
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21:52 Dax Shepard? All right, set the stage for us. You're a thief.
21:54 Speaker 03 Yeah, I'm a thief. Monica, I just want to say, don't judge me going into this story. I am totally grown up now.
22:03 Speaker 01 I stole two in the first grade.
22:05 Dax Shepard? You've changed your ways.
22:06 Speaker 01 So no judgment.
22:07 Speaker 03 This story takes place when I graduated high school a few weeks after.
22:12 Dax Shepard? What city? In San Diego?
22:13 Speaker 03 No, so I grew up in Vermont, which does kind of have a little to do with the story being like... Why you might think Coles was a place that I would frequent or do anything like this? So there wasn't much to do. I was seventeen. I had just graduated high school and I was with my best friend. I'm gonna keep her anonymous today. We're gonna call her Abigail. I called her to let her know I'd be on this and she preferred. I didn't use her name. We were actually in this place called White River Junction. I'm from like a really small town in rural Vermont. And we were in a bigger kind of city area for a diversion class. I don't know if you're familiar with that, but like if you get caught drinking as a minor,
22:58 Speaker 03 I can choose to go to diversion class so that it's like wiped off my record.
23:03 Dax Shepard? Okay, great.
23:04 Speaker 03 So I was already there for that.
23:05 Dax Shepard? Yeah, great. I'm getting a vibe. I'm getting a vibe. We would have hung out in high school. Continue.
23:10 Speaker 03 Yeah. So me and my friend had gotten caught drinking and we were there for diversion. I had diversion early in the morning. She had a class hours later. And I think we were just feeling like, fuck it, let's just like go ham.
23:26 Speaker 03 We did sometimes frequent the local CVS and like pocket a couple of things here and there. Like it wasn't something crazy. But I think both of us at that day were like, let's go to Coles.
23:38 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah.
23:39 Dax Shepard? Let's take it down.
23:40 Speaker 03 There's not many stores in the area. There was like a pet store and not even a Target. And I think Coles, we were less security, less risk, cheap stuff. Let's just go ham.
23:52 Dax Shepard? Ocean's Eleven. Let's take it down.
23:54 Speaker 03 Yeah. So both of us grabbed carts, individual carts, and we weren't even like thinking, I'm putting everything in my cart.
24:02 Dax Shepard? Stuff you don't even want.
24:03 Speaker 03 Right. Because it needs to be stuff that I am gonna take and also stuff that I am just putting in my cart to kind of trick everyone in the dressing room.
24:12 Dax Shepard? Yeah, yeah.
24:13 Speaker 03 The things that I'm like, we're taking, it's like jewelry, shirts, camis, bras, hats, that I was like, I don't even need this shit, but we were just feeling like, let's just do it. I don't even know how much stuff was in my cart and. Vice versa, but we both kind of went into the dressing room and how you do it is you put stuff on in the dressing room. I had probably like five layers of camis on and jewelry on. Same with her and both of us were like, where are you putting the tags? Like you take the tags off the garments and I'm like shoving them under the mirror and like up in the wall. There's enough stuff in our cart that we're like, oh yeah, we don't want these things. I have a big purse.
24:54 Speaker 03 My purse is like chucked full of shit and I don't know if you guys have ever stolen much, but the adrenaline is pumping as we're leaving this Kohl's.
25:03 Dax Shepard? Oh, yeah.
25:04 Speaker 03 What we didn't notice, I'm honestly like getting a little anxious, don't you think? What we didn't notice when we were going on a rampage was that it was stock day at Kohl's. So there was a lot of people in the aisles taking stock of what was in the store, counting inventory. So there was like a lot of workers that day that I just don't think we were tracking that were very aware of, I think, our movements.
25:31 Speaker 01 Oh, boy.
25:32 Speaker 03 And we didn't know what they were doing, but what they were doing was seeing essentially how much shit had been stolen over however long. And so there we are, layers on layers of clothes on, the two of us, shit stuck in my bag, thinking that we just got away with the world's greatest heist and we're just walking out, la da da. And you know, we walk out of the doors and no alarms go off, huge sigh of relief. And then all of a sudden, these two guys come walking up to us very quickly and they're like, you need to come with us.
26:07 Speaker 01 Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
26:09 Speaker 03 And I just like look at my friend and meanwhile, I just have to remind you, we are seventeen years old. Like we got accepted to college. I am freaking out. They tell us to come with them, get back in the store right now. They know that we've been taking stuff. They walk us to the back room, all the way in the back of the store. And Miguel is just starting to get a little hysterical. I'm starting to not be able to like communicate too well with her.
26:34 Dax Shepard? Getting caught is an overwhelming experience for the nervous system.
26:37 Speaker 03 Yeah. And I think we were handling it much differently, which we'll also get into a little bit. But so they take us into the back and I'm like silent at this point. I'm not saying anything until they catch me in the act. And they pretty much get us back there and they're like, empty your bags right now. We've been watching you. We know that you've been taking all this stuff. Empty your bags. I want to see everything. So there we go. We're emptying our bags. They also didn't know at this point that we had physical stuff on ourselves. Abigail and I look at each other and we're just like, we gotta tell them we have stuff on.
27:10 Dax Shepard? Okay, you're at that point.
27:12 Speaker 03 He's just rolling his eyes, like looking at his security guard. They're like, are you fucking kidding me? And they walk us with a female worker to the dressing room and wait for us as we're unclothing ourselves and taking everything that we've taken off and handing it to them over the dressing room. We go back to the back room. They have everything in front of them. Abigail is hysterically crying at this point. And I'm looking at her and I'm like, pull yourself together.
27:40 Dax Shepard? You're disappointed. You picked the wrong crime partner.
27:43 Speaker 03 Yeah. She's pleading with them. Please don't do it. We're going to college. Please don't call anyone. I'll call my mom. I'll pay for everything. And he's like, we're calling the police. You guys have stolen over $800 worth of merchandise.
27:59 Dax Shepard? That's almost impossible to do at Kohl's. Yeah, it's really impressive.
28:02 Speaker 01 Especially with Kohl's cash.
28:04 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
28:05 Speaker 01 Ding ding ding.
28:06 Speaker 03 They're like, this is a felony offense. We're calling the police. Which if you don't know, anything over $500 is a felony offense. I'm just asking them if there's anything that we can do. They are not having any of it. Police are on their way. They're like, we already rang the police when we picked you up outside. Absolutely not. So we're just kind of waiting in silence until the police show up. The police show up. There's four officers that come crammed into this back room with us. I'm just paralyzed with fear. They essentially were like, you're coming down to the station, like you're under arrest.
28:37 Speaker 01 Oh.
28:38 Speaker 03 They take both of our bags, our little purses, each one of us in handcuffs. They walk us out the store. In the middle of Vermont, I know a lot of people in the area. And this room that we were in was all the way in the back of the store. So there we are, handcuffed individually with the police officers, holding our bags in one hand and holding the back of us in the other and just walking us through the entire store. People are looking. At us, kids are pointing at us.
29:10 Dax Shepard? Yeah, it's very exciting.
29:11 Speaker 03 So mortified. And there's two cop cars and they want to separate us. So they put Abigail in the cop car and they put me in a cop car, shoved my head down the whole nine yards. I get in the cop car with him and there's like a 10 minute drive to the police station. And at this point, I start crying. Can you just tell me, am I gonna be okay? Am I going to jail?
29:33 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
29:34 Speaker 01 Yeah, so scary.
29:36 Dax Shepard? I'm supposed to go to college.
29:38 Speaker 03 I had a scholarship and I just was getting out of diversion. I'm like, Mom, it's gonna be so disappointing. And he's like, yeah, you're going to jail. This is a felony. So we get to the jails and we are in jail. There is a cell, we're in there with one other woman who seems to be on crack. So we got fingerprinted, mug shots, all that stuff. And I think our bail was something like a hundred and fifty dollars.
30:05 Dax Shepard? Not a lot.
30:06 Speaker 03 We didn't have to call our parents. I think that we waited a certain amount of time. I paid the bail and we were able to go. And she kind of thought the same thing, like she had not called her mom. And I remember we finally got out. It had been like maybe four hours. I called my mom. And my brother was a pot dealer and like he'd gotten kind of in trouble with the law. So it was not the most horrifying news, but she was very disappointed. It was just horrible.
30:35 Speaker 01 Yeah.
30:36 Speaker 03 Long story short, we did have to go to court and we ended up getting a class A misdemeanor, which is just below a felony offense. We had to go present ourselves in front of a judge. A hundred people are in this courtroom awaiting their moment with the judge to plead not guilty or guilty. Our parents didn't go with us. We didn't know like what to do. And I thought this was gonna be on my record. If I said not guilty, no one's advising us what to do. And so we go up to him. He's like reading the case in front of everyone. He's like, hmm, shoplifting, calls.
31:09 Speaker 03 Eight hundred dollars? Jesus Christ, ladies. You have nothing better to do? He's like, how do you plead? We plead guilty because obviously we're caught red handed. And he's like, I'm gonna stop you right there before you do something stupid. Don't plead guilty or else you're gonna go to jail.
31:27 Speaker 01 What?
31:28 Dax Shepard? Really?
31:29 Speaker 03 He's like, take the not guilty plea because what just happened in the state of Vermont was that those diversion classes that we were just taking for drinking, you can now take them for shoplifting.
31:39 Speaker 01 Oh my god.
31:40 Speaker 03 Like one week before this.
31:42 Speaker 01 Why would not guilty be?
31:44 Dax Shepard? Cause maybe then they're gonna offer a plea to have to avoid having a court case over this. If I plead not guilty, then the state's gotta present a case and prosecute you in front of a jury. And the state's gonna go, we are not spending all this manpower on prosecuting these two shoplifters. So then they would come back and offer a plea like, okay, if you copped a misdemeanor, you'll be guilty, there'll be no trial, maybe?
32:08 Speaker 03 Yeah, that's kind of what it was sounding like. So I remember I got fifteen hundred dollars for my high school graduation and I had to spend every last dime of it on that diversion class.
32:19 Dax Shepard? Oh, it's pricey.
32:20 Speaker 03 Yeah, very pricey. And so, yeah, that ultimately is the story of how I'm never allowed in a Kohl's for the rest of my life.
32:30 Speaker 01 Are you really? Are you banned from Kohl's?
32:32 Speaker 03 I'm banned, yes.
32:34 Speaker 01 Wow, sorry, you can't use Kohl's cash?
32:37 Dax Shepard? What if you put a ton of effort into getting that sponge from your Kohl's record? Cause you were a minor and you're like, I do want the right to shop at Kohl's still.
32:44 Speaker 01 I'd love to go to Kohl's.
32:45 Dax Shepard? And then they could put you in a commercial, like this woman fought to shop here.
32:48 Speaker 01 Oh, wow.
32:49 Dax Shepard? It would be a full circle for everyone.
32:51 Speaker 03 I'll give them a call.
32:52 Speaker 01 Did you get to go to college?
32:54 Speaker 03 I did, yeah. Everything was wiped from my record with the diversion class. It was a wake up call, for sure. I never stole again.
33:01 Dax Shepard? Oh, that's good, that's good.
33:02 Speaker 01 Sometimes we gotta hit rock bottom.
33:04 Dax Shepard? Yeah, yeah. Madison, we're so grateful that you took time out of your honeymoon and your jungle bot to find wifi in a toilet and tell us the story.
33:13 Speaker 03 I know, I can't believe of all time, like this is how I have to see you guys. Can I just give a quick shout? My Armcherry besties. I have an Armcherry shirt too that I'm not wearing. My friend Emily got it for me and it's a really great station.
33:27 Dax Shepard? Oh, it's a good one.
33:29 Speaker 03 Anytime anyone's like station, we'll do a really great station.
33:32 Dax Shepard? Really great station.
33:33 Speaker 03 My girlfriends Emily and Laura, love them and we're Armcherry group. So we always debrief the episodes and I love you guys so much. This is so surreal.
33:42 Speaker 01 That's so nice.
33:44 Dax Shepard? Well, shout out to them and so nice meeting you, Madison. I hope you get home safely.
33:47 Speaker 03 Thank you. Nice to meet you guys.
33:49 Dax Shepard? Take care.
33:51 Speaker 01 Hello.
33:52 Speaker 05 Hello.
33:53 Dax Shepard? Occasionally we have an Armcherry with a headset like yours and I always love it because it makes me think we're either gaming together or I've called AT&T.
34:01 Speaker 05 I do feel like I'm gonna do some telemarketing after this.
34:04 Dax Shepard? You should. And where are you, Rachel?
34:06 Speaker 05 I am in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
34:07 Dax Shepard? Oh, lovely. What a lovely city Milwaukee is.
34:11 Speaker 01 You don't expect a lot of stealing there.
34:14 Dax Shepard? Well, Laverne and Shirley were rascals. They were there in Milwaukee. I guarantee there's an episode where they steal something and they did all the hijinks.
34:20 Speaker 05 Well, this does not take place in Milwaukee.
34:23 Dax Shepard? Okay, tell us where it takes place.
34:24 Speaker 05 December 2008, my then boyfriend and I went on his work trip to Cancun, Mexico. This was such an exciting time for me. I was in my late twenties. This was a new relationship. We had been dating for about five months or so. This was our first big trip together. This was my first time going to Mexico. At this time in my life, I was living with more of a scarcity mentality. I had undergrad and graduate school, student debt. And so this was just like a dream come true for me.
34:58 Dax Shepard? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A reprieve.
34:59 Speaker 05 Definitely. A week before we leave for Cancun, it's my birthday and my boyfriend gifts me a gift card to the spa at the hotel where we're going to be staying. We're in Cancun, trip's going great and it's spa day. So boyfriend goes to his meetings and I head to the spa for my I have a lovely massage experience and after the fact, they lead me to this relaxation lounge. Like it's a nice, quiet room where you can sit and just chill after your service and enjoy some zen.
35:33 Dax Shepard? Maybe have a tea?
35:34 Speaker 05 Exactly. So this is where the story is going down.
35:38 Dax Shepard? Oh, wonderful.
35:38 Speaker 05 The refreshments in this room were out of this world. My 28-year-old self was just thrilled. So we had the cucumber infused water and the lovely teas and these platters of the most decadent tropical fruits. And the piece de resistance, guys, was this large bowl of the biggest cashews you have ever seen.
36:05 Speaker 01 Oh, how big are we talking?
36:08 Speaker 05 Hoarder-sized. These puppies, they were amazing. The salt to nut ratio was incredible. They were crunchy, but yet creamy at the same time.
36:17 Dax Shepard? I want them.
36:18 Speaker 05 And I couldn't believe that I could just help myself to as many of these cashews as I wanted. I enjoy these refreshments. Now it's time to go to lunch. My boyfriend gets a lunch break, so we meet for lunch. He's asking me about my morning, telling him how lovely my spa experience was. And then I tell him about the world's most amazing cashew nuts. He's excited that I've enjoyed my day and he is happy that I'm having a good time. But he's not understanding how amazing these nuts are.
36:46 Dax Shepard? You're frustrated. You're like, you don't understand what we're talking about.
36:49 Speaker 05 Exactly. So this is now when I hatch the plan to smuggle some nuts out of the spa. So I can prove to him how amazing these really are.
37:15 Speaker 05 So because I had had a spa service that morning, I had privileges to use the spa for the rest of the day. I decide I'm going to try out the plunge pools. I had never done that before. I thought that sounded like that would be a nice experience. So I put on my bikini top and bottom, some regular old flip flops, and then like a swimsuit cover up. A v-neck, short dress. I'm ready to go. I grab a cinch sack, you know, those like nylon bags that you like cinch closed at the top? They're kind of flimsy. Go to the plunge pools again, have a lovely time. I'm now done with that and it's time to go back to this relaxation lounge, AKA Cashew Paradise.
37:59 Speaker 05 And I'm in the locker room and I'm realizing I did not bring a change of clothes with me. I'm in my wet bathing suit. I'm gonna take it off, no big deal. I can just throw my cover up back over myself and you know, I got my flip flops and I throw the swimsuit in the bottom of my cinch sack. Go back to Cashew Paradise, help myself to a nice glass of cucumber infused water and I'm scoping out the crowd, waiting for all the guests to leave the room so I can start this nuts muggling mission. But I'm realizing, oh shoot, now my wet swimsuit is at the bottom of this bag. I can't have nuts just willy nilly in the bottom of this bag, mixing with my wet swimsuit.
38:39 Dax Shepard? Rachel, I don't want to sound critical, but this is a terribly laid out heist. I just want you to know, you don't have clothes, you put wetness in the bag, you plan to take the luda. I mean, this is a terrible plan.
38:51 Speaker 01 You didn't think this through.
38:52 Speaker 05 I agree. I've got to now have Plan B. Next to the infused waters are these fancy looking plastic cups. So I start filling up the cups and I'm strategically placing them in this cinch sack like pyramid style.
39:07 Speaker 01 Oh my god, how many? How many?
39:10 Dax Shepard? It's like a bad plan on top of a bad plan. There's no way these are staying upright when you carry the bag. How many of these glasses have you filled up? How many are in the bag?
39:20 Speaker 05 I'm gonna say like five or six.
39:22 Speaker 01 Oh my god, okay. You took all of them.
39:24 Speaker 05 There was an excess. I'm carefully putting the straps of the cinch sack over my shoulders. I decide I'm gonna help myself to one last glass of cucumber water. But there's a detail I forgot to mention. This spa was so gorgeous. Like when you walk into the spa, it's this beautiful white tiled lobby reception area. There's gorgeous flower bouquets everywhere. There's this huge Cinderella style staircase that takes you up to the second floor, where all the services and amenities take place.
40:02 Speaker 05 So I walk out of the relaxation lounge and now I just have to traverse the stairs down and exit the spa. I can see the doors. It's just me and the staircase and then I'm home free. So I'm walking very carefully. Try not to be suspicious. I start my descent and I don't know what the heck happens, but all of a sudden my water goes flying. I start tumbling down the stairs. The cinch sack is flying open. Nuts are going everywhere. And when I finally realized what has happened, I am laying on my back on the
40:45 Speaker 05 middle of this lobby floor in a pool of cucumber water and cashew confetti, totally naked because my cover up has now come up over my neck and shoulders.
40:57 Speaker 01 I bet honestly, it's because your equilibrium was thrown off because of all the nuts on your back.
41:03 Dax Shepard? You think that's what it was?
41:04 Speaker 01 That's what happened.
41:05 Dax Shepard? Now, we call this, Rachel, in comedy filmmaking, this is called a set piece. So we've set up all these different situations, you know, the wet bathing suit, the nuts, all of it's culminating perfectly at the same time. And you've executed a real life comedic set piece. And clearly everyone in the spa is worried that a guest of the hotel's fallen down a flight of stairs, right? So they're probably panicking and running over to you.
41:29 Speaker 05 The reception staff, they literally just stood there staring. I was thankful for it because I did not want to have any sort of conversation. I jumped up as fast as I could and just bolted.
41:43 Dax Shepard? Oh, you ran out of there.
41:45 Speaker 05 High tailed it.
41:45 Speaker 01 In the movie version, the staff starts running down the stairs to help and they all start falling on the cashews.
41:52 Dax Shepard? Cashews all over the ground. Yeah, right.
41:54 Speaker 01 Tripping on the cashews.
41:55 Dax Shepard? That's how you get away is everyone's like, whoa.
42:00 Dax Shepard? Did you still have the cinch sack and were you able to return to your room and have some to present to your boyfriend? Was it a successful caper at the end of the day?
42:09 Speaker 01 That's a great question.
42:10 Speaker 05 That boyfriend is now my husband and I asked him about this.
42:15 Speaker 06 And he does remember that there were a few cashews left in the bag.
42:21 Dax Shepard? I have to say, Rachel, I say this with so much love in my heart. This does sound like the story of an eight year old.
42:27 Speaker 01 It's a little bit Mr. Magoo.
42:28 Dax Shepard? Right. It's like, this is like, if you let an eight year old go to a spa by herself, all the weird dumb things she would get into.
42:34 Speaker 01 Look, spas are exciting. Ooh, we should do spa.
42:37 Dax Shepard? I think we have, but let's do it again. I think that's how it started.
42:40 Speaker 01 That was massage, but lots going on in the spa, clearly.
42:43 Dax Shepard? Well, congratulations on landing this bow. Did you tell him you had fallen and all that? Or did you keep that secret?
42:51 Speaker 06 Oh, yeah, because I was so sore and I started to bruise.
42:56 Dax Shepard? Really undid all of the relaxation. Well, you're really tight. Yeah, I fell down the staircase here yesterday.
43:02 Speaker 01 Oh, my God.
43:03 Dax Shepard? Well, that's delightful that you ended up together. Not a meet cute, but it is adjacent.
43:07 Speaker 06 And we have two amazing children, Gillian and Jonah. They're awesome. So it all worked out.
43:14 Dax Shepard? Lovely. Well, that's a very cute story, Rachel. We love it.
43:17 Speaker 01 Thanks for sharing it.
43:17 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
43:18 Speaker 06 Thank you for having me. This was such a trip.
43:20 Dax Shepard? Okay, thanks, Rachel. Bye.
43:24 Speaker 01 Oh, there you are.
43:26 Dax Shepard? How are you?
43:27 Speaker 03 How are you?
43:28 Dax Shepard? Good. What kind of name should we select for you?
43:31 Speaker 03 Whatever you feel will be the best.
43:34 Dax Shepard? Okay, I'm going with Lindsay.
43:36 Speaker 01 Okay, great.
43:37 Dax Shepard? Do you cosign?
43:38 Speaker 01 I do. I like that.
43:39 Dax Shepard? Lindsay, do you have a fun accent that I'm detecting?
43:42 Speaker 03 I sure do. I'm from Melbourne, Australia.
43:44 Dax Shepard? Oh, everybody's favorite place, Melbourne, Australia.
43:48 Speaker 03 Can't go wrong.
43:49 Dax Shepard? Are you liking the influx? You would agree that the world has fallen in love with Melbourne in a way that's kind of new, right? You must have an uptick in tourism.
43:57 Speaker 03 Yes, we do, but Melbourne's a very multicultural city, so there's a lot of diversity, which is really lovely, great coffee and great fashion.
44:05 Speaker 01 Ooh, yeah, I love that. Lindsay, do you have a stuffy nailed to the wall?
44:10 Dax Shepard? Oh, she's holding one.
44:12 Speaker 01 You're also holding one, but do you have one also nailed to the wall?
44:15 Speaker 03 Yeah, this is my little cubby that my oldest boy has put together for me, and he knows that these are my favorites.
44:21 Speaker 01 Oh, my God.
44:22 Speaker 03 This is from an Australian artist called CJ Hendry, and she- Paints, but she makes these little limited edition juju's.
44:29 Speaker 01 Oh my god, cute.
44:29 Dax Shepard? You call them juju's?
44:31 Speaker 03 They're called juju's after her mom.
44:33 Speaker 01 I have to say sorry, but they're way cuter than those ones with the teeth.
44:38 Speaker 03 Labubus.
44:38 Speaker 01 Yeah, labubus.
44:40 Speaker 03 Yes.
44:42 Speaker 01 And fruncles or whatever that other one is or something. Anyway.
44:47 Dax Shepard? Okay, so you have a stealing story. Before you tell us yours, we just did kind of a poll. We have figured that all of us have stolen. Almost every kid in the States steals at some point. Would you say that's the same in Australia?
45:00 Speaker 03 Yes. And also, which is part of the story, where I'm from in the west of Melbourne, it's kind of notoriously, you're either dodgy, so you steal things, or you know somebody that is.
45:13 Dax Shepard? Okay, so tell us your stealing story.
45:15 Speaker 03 Just a little bit of a backstory. It was thirty years ago when I was twenty. So I was working two jobs at the time. So one job was in a retail store with a few people, particularly one guy that we will call Tom, who was a very flamboyant, older gay gentleman. So he was probably in his fifties at that point. And in my other job, I worked in a restaurant. So it was all hospitality. You'd work all week. You'd shut the restaurant. You'd go out and you'd party all weekend. And I would come to work on a Monday and always have stories of all the mischief that we got up to. And they really loved hearing those stories.
45:49 Dax Shepard? Retail's very boring compared to restaurant world.
45:52 Speaker 03 Correct. And also I was in the west, so we were always getting up to some sort of mischief. So this guy at the retail store, he knew that if there was someone who knew someone that was dodgy, it would be me. So one day I went into work there with him and he said to me, "Do you happen to know anybody that could help me do an insurance job on my car?"
46:12 Dax Shepard? Oh, wonderful.
46:13 Speaker 01 Meaning wait, I need more information.
46:15 Dax Shepard? He's either gonna report it stolen or someone's gonna torch it and then he's gonna collect the insurance money.
46:19 Speaker 01 Oh, got it.
46:20 Dax Shepard? I'm assuming it's the same there here?
46:22 Speaker 03 Correct. And I was like, sure.
46:25 Dax Shepard? Absolutely. This won't be too hard.
46:27 Speaker 03 So I went back to my restaurant job, spoke to my boss at the time there, who was always up for something naughty and always up for something that could give him some extra cash.
46:36 Speaker 05 And I said, hey, do you know anywhere we could potentially dump a car? And he was like, yeah. So back to the retail job and I said, hey, we're on. How much are you going to pay us? And he said, I'll give you a thousand dollars.
46:47 Speaker 01 Oh, wow.
46:48 Dax Shepard? Beautiful.
46:49 Speaker 01 Okay, great. So I'm sorry, real quick. So this is to like lose the car so the car was stolen.
46:53 Dax Shepard? He'll report it stolen, but really he gave them the keys and they drove off to the middle of the desert and dumped it.
46:58 Speaker 01 Copy, okay.
46:59 Speaker 05 We organized it for that night. He left the key under the mat of the car. My friend drove us there, so there was three of us in the car. We picked up his car and we drive off with his car. Oh, everything's going well. But then I started to panic thinking, oh, my God, I've stolen a car. And I'm like, we're gonna get arrested. Like, I've done some stuff, but nothing that's gonna actually break the law. So I said, I'm like, oh, my God. He's like, don't worry about it. No one knows that the car's stolen, but we need to make it look like the car's been stolen. So he starts driving up the footpath. He's smashing into signs.
47:29 Speaker 01 Oh.
47:30 Speaker 05 Breaking off mirrors.
47:32 Dax Shepard? I can't say I agree with his logic. There's no reason that we need to hit a lot of stuff just because we stole. No, you're trying to keep a low profile, probably.
47:38 Speaker 01 I don't get this, okay.
47:39 Dax Shepard? But that was his choice.
47:40 Speaker 05 It was fun, though. It was like driving your life dodgem car.
47:43 Dax Shepard? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
47:45 Speaker 05 So anyway, he had this spot that he knew of that was fenced off. And what I know now was this is where people came to dump stolen cars. So the police or the council had fenced off this block and they'd put a big rise of dirt. So to get a car over this mound of dirt, you had to really like.
48:04 Dax Shepard? Oh, jeez, launch it.
48:05 Speaker 05 There was a break in the fence, so up we went and we were over. And I was like, oh, this was relatively easy. And we were just hooting around in there doing some burnout.
48:12 Speaker 01 Oh, my gosh.
48:15 Speaker 05 And he's like, okay, time to let the car go. So it had an edge, sort of Thelma and Louise style, that we were to drive or push this car over the edge. And below was just a creek, like a river. So he puts a rock on the accelerator and boom, the car flies over the top of the cliff and down. And we hear bang.
48:34 Speaker 01 Oh, my God.
48:36 Dax Shepard? Good, you guys did a thorough job.
48:37 Speaker 01 Yeah.
48:38 Dax Shepard? You didn't like park it in the next town.
48:40 Speaker 05 No, it was gone. So we drove off, perfect crime. I get to work the next day. He comes in about an hour late and he's like, oh, my God, my car's been stolen. And he was really hamming up. It was a real production. We don't say anything to each other. We get to the end of the day. He hands me a thousand dollars cash and we never speak of this again. It is done.
48:58 Dax Shepard? Yeah, perfect.
48:59 Speaker 05 So I worked there for about another six months and then I ended up leaving and I didn't stay in contact.
49:04 Speaker 03 With anybody, it was like, okay, that part of my life's over. Cut to about 10 years later, I run into him in the street. And we're having a chat, how you been? Who do you know? What's been going on? And as I sort of went to walk away from him, he said, oh, I got investigated about that car being stolen by the police and the insurance company.
49:22 Dax Shepard? Oh, no.
49:23 Speaker 01 Oh, my god.
49:24 Speaker 03 He said, well, about two years after it happened, they were looking to redevelop the area. And they did a sonar scan on the water. And they found there were cars underneath the waterline.
49:36 Dax Shepard? Sure.
49:36 Speaker 03 I sent you a photo.
49:38 Dax Shepard? Oh, my goodness. Victoria Police have started dragging over a hundred and twenty cars out of the
49:44 Speaker 01 Oh, my god.
49:45 Dax Shepard? Maribyrnong River.
49:47 Speaker 03 Maribyrnong.
49:48 Dax Shepard? Oh, my god, this car that's being hoisted out is so colorful with some kind of barnacles. It might have been a toxic river. See how beautiful that is?
49:58 Speaker 03 He says to me, they've dragged me in because the insurance companies and the police were working together to try and work out why there were all these cars there. But he didn't tell anybody in his life that he had done this. He and I were really the only two people that knew. His husband got dragged in, they were questioned for about eight hours, back and forth, we know you did this, we know you did this. He said, but don't worry, I didn't mention your name. We've gotten away with it. I denied. We're all good. And I was like, okay, cool. And as I went to a car, I was like, okay, see you later. And I said, oh, hang on. Why would they have assumed that you were the one that had stolen the car? And he said, oh, you left the key in the ignition.
50:32 Dax Shepard? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
50:34 Speaker 03 So note to self, if you're gonna steal a car from someone, take the car out of the ignition before you push it over.
50:39 Speaker 01 Walk me through that.
50:40 Dax Shepard? Well, because if a car was stolen, how did the thief get the car key?
50:43 Speaker 01 Oh, unless you left it.
50:45 Dax Shepard? You're not legally responsible if you were to leave your keys in the car. You're not going to jail because someone stole it. Well, I know in L A, since the keyless fob has come around, people totally leave their fobs in the car.
50:58 Speaker 01 Oh, all the time, they do, yeah.
51:00 Speaker 03 But also now thieves have got a special thing that they can unlock your car without the fob.
51:05 Speaker 01 So they just walk up to it and they can unlock it and your car's gone.
51:08 Dax Shepard? That was a plot point in 2012's mega hit Hit and Run. I used that technology.
51:13 Speaker 01 Ahead of your time.
51:15 Dax Shepard? Always thinking like a criminal.
51:18 Speaker 01 It's the way to be.
51:19 Dax Shepard? Well, Lindsay, I really wish I grew up in Western Melbourne. I think I would have fit in just perfectly.
51:24 Speaker 01 I feel like you would have. Now, I've got my oldest boy here who wants to say hi.
51:28 Dax Shepard? Of course, yes. How old is he?
51:30 Speaker 01 He's 10. Hello.
51:32 Dax Shepard? Lovely. What an impressive head of hair.
51:34 Speaker 01 It's great, isn't it? He listens with me. We love the unauthorized evacuation stories. Of course.
51:40 Dax Shepard? Yeah, it's our favorite too. Well, it's so lovely meeting you. We love when there's Aussies that listen to the show. It's so flattering.
51:46 Speaker 01 You're a hit down here.
51:46 Dax Shepard? Oh, wonderful. All right. Well, lovely meeting you, Lindsay.
51:50 Speaker 01 Thank you.
51:51 Dax Shepard? All right. Thanks so much.
51:54 Speaker 01 Right, well, stealing.
51:55 Dax Shepard? You cheat a steal?
51:57 Speaker 01 No, my stealing days, they were short-lived.
52:00 Dax Shepard? Okay, I love you.
52:01 Speaker 01 Love you.
52:03 Speaker 07 Do you want to sing a tune or something? I'm going to sing a song.
52:05 Dax Shepard? Oh, okay, great. We don't have a singing song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the fly, a rhyme dish. On the fly, a rhyme dish. Enjoy.
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