Pod Insights The Dr. John Delony Show My Irrational Fear of Spending Money Is Ruining Our Marriage About this episode 🔥 Microhabits for a better marriage. Download the Together app.
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A husband wondering how to love his wife well
A wife struggling to tell her husband that their marriage is over
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Transcript Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:05 Speaker 00 We're in the best position we've ever been in financially. It's all stemming from childhood, maybe, and just this irrational fear of things. But I can't stop thinking about going broke or losing a job, you know, all these different things.
0:20 Dr. John Delony? I want to press on your words irrational fear.
0:30 Dr. John Delony? What up, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, taking your calls on your life. Real people with real challenges. If you want to be on this show, click the link in the show notes and Kelly will get you on. Let's go out to Cleveland, Ohio and talk to Balakay. Hey Blake, what's up, man?
0:50 Speaker 00 Hey, Dr. John, how you doing?
0:51 Dr. John Delony? I'm good, brother. How are you?
0:53 Speaker 00 Pretty good, thanks.
0:54 Dr. John Delony? What's up?
0:55 Speaker 00 Appreciate you taking my call. I'm really looking for some insight and guidance about how I can overcome this crippling fear of spending money. It seems to really be taking a toll on my marriage a little bit.
1:08 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, man. Tell me about it.
1:10 Speaker 00 So my wife and I have been married just over a year, about a year and a half. And, uh, we're both, we're both 34.
1:18 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
1:19 Speaker 00 And we're in the best position we've ever been in financially. I mean, we've been together, you know, for quite a long time. So, and it's just, it's one of those things where I just feel like it's all stemming from childhood, maybe, and just this irrational fear of things. But I'm, we're saving so much money. We have a lot of savings. We're in a healthy position financially, yet I can't stop thinking about going broke or losing a job, you know, all these different things.
1:47 Dr. John Delony? Dude, been there, homie. Um, I want to press on your words irrational fear. Tell me how money was growing up.
1:58 Speaker 00 Constant, a constant argument in the home. I mean, I, I, I'm the youngest of, of five boys and we, everybody, all of us were, were involved in adult problems.
2:09 Dr. John Delony? Hmm.
2:10 Speaker 00 So, you know, there was a lot of just craziness and, and a lot of, uh, fear of, you know, we're gonna lose the house. My dad, you know, almost lost his job several times because of drunk driving. We just never had enough money to pay the bill. I mean, I, I take that back. We did when I was real young. Everything was great. And then it was ripped away.
2:32 Dr. John Delony? Yeah.
2:33 Speaker 00 So it was like, I knew what security felt like at a young age and then all of a sudden I didn't.
2:37 Dr. John Delony? Yeah. Um, how long have you been with your new wife?
2:42 Speaker 00 We've been together, um, seven years.
2:45 Dr. John Delony? Seven years? Did your lived experience at home, especially with such an abrupt transition, going from a pretty safe place to a pretty chaotic place, um, did that play into how long it took you to decide, I'm gonna go all in on you?
3:02 Dr. John Delony? Sometimes kids who grow up in pretty chaotic home environments, who then meet somebody, um, even somebody that over time they consider safe and somebody they want to spend the rest of their life with, um, the idea of putting both feet in one boat,
3:20 Dr. John Delony? till death do us part, you and me, ride or die, is not a scary proposition in like, like scary movie kind of scary, but like in your nervous system, unwise, unsafe, unsmart, exposed.
3:35 Speaker 00 Hmm.
3:35 Dr. John Delony? Is that, is that part of the reason why it took seven years to, to formalize this? Or maybe not?
3:42 Speaker 00 It is. I mean, no, that's definitely a, definitely part of it.
3:45 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
3:46 Speaker 00 Yeah, I would say there was a combination of different things. I, I needed to do some growing up. I needed to do certain things and, and whatnot, but it, it is a little bit of that, letting go of that control and,
3:55 Dr. John Delony? Yeah.
3:56 Speaker 00 you know?
3:57 Dr. John Delony? So the scariest part for you is that the peace you're seeking is on the other side of control?
4:07 Dr. John Delony? And also, there's a chance on the other side of control, you get hurt.
4:14 Speaker 00 Okay.
4:15 Dr. John Delony? And so I can't guarantee you that it's going to work out on the other side of letting go. The other side of full trust.
4:23 Dr. John Delony? What I can guarantee you is you'll suffocate your relationship, yourself, and those around you. If you keep your hands closed so tightly on this side of control.
4:35 Dr. John Delony? I'll challenge you, I don't believe that what you're experiencing when it comes to saving money is irrational. It's burned into your nervous system. It's a lived experience. It's right for you.
4:47 Speaker 00 Hmm.
4:48 Dr. John Delony? Okay. And so what I, and the reason I'm telling you that is, is part of healing here is going to be choosing to stop going to war with your body.
4:57 Dr. John Delony? If you think the feelings you have and the emotions you have are wrong, irrational, stupid, misguided, then you have to fight yourself before you do the next right thing.
5:09 Speaker 00 Hmm.
5:10 Dr. John Delony? If you can make the turn, and this, and I wish there was a more sophisticated word than this, a more like psychologically attuned word. If you'll practice what I'm about to say, it'll change your life. And that is this, literally taking your hand. I used to do it with a fist. I used to do it with a whole hand and now I can just do it. And you might see me on a stage someday doing this. I just take my forefinger and I, I scratch the inside of my thumbnail. That's often me feeling a thing and showing my body, I felt that. Thanks for trying to take care of me. I'm going to go do this now because I'm driving.
5:54 Dr. John Delony? And when you put yourself in that position where your body knows I'm driving, that's the path to healing. Autonomy, right? Agency is the nerd word for it. When your body knows you're driving, it can begin to release some of these automatic nervous system triggers from your past.
6:13 Speaker 00 Hmm.
6:13 Dr. John Delony? And here's what this looks like in real time.
6:17 Dr. John Delony? Can we go through some numbers real quick?
6:19 Speaker 00 Yeah.
6:20 Dr. John Delony? What are you and your wife, what's your household income for a year?
6:24 Speaker 00 Um, about 200.
6:26 Dr. John Delony? Okay. Um, who do y'all owe money to?
6:32 Speaker 00 We just had, we have a very modest mortgage and we have her car payment that, I mean, we can pay off, but yeah, that's a whole different story. Her work pays for it, so it's a whole different thing. But yeah, that's it.
6:43 Dr. John Delony? How much you have in, like in an emergency fund or just cash, liquid?
6:48 Speaker 00 Like 80.
6:49 Dr. John Delony? Okay. Um, how much do you owe left on your mortgage?
6:54 Speaker 00 Like, about 1, 190.
6:57 Dr. John Delony? Okay. Um, how secure is your job?
7:04 Speaker 00 As of lately, it's felt a little bit insecure, but it's never, never had, I've been at this particular company for 12 years, so it's never felt that way. And it's, it's honestly kind of a job where it's, it's, I feel underemployed. My wife tells me a lot, like, you should probably go get something that more equates your earning potential, but it, it's probably one of those things where I've stayed here because of its security.
7:29 Dr. John Delony? Yeah.
7:30 Speaker 00 Um, I did leave for like a year and a half to take an outside sales position that I ended up, like, getting let go of because the company was really struggling. So I took that leap of faith to leave this comfort and it backfired. So now I'm back at the place I was at and now it's feeling a little unstable again, but.
7:53 Dr. John Delony? So can I, can I challenge you on something?
7:55 Speaker 00 Yeah.
7:56 Dr. John Delony? If you grew up in a chaotic, unsafe, um, unpredictable is probably a better word, um, home environment?
8:04 Dr. John Delony? You, you said you're the youngest of, of five brothers?
8:07 Speaker 00 Yep.
8:08 Dr. John Delony? The youngest of an alcoholic son, I mean, alcoholic father?
8:12 Speaker 00 And yeah, both, both parents.
8:14 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
8:20 Dr. John Delony? Any sort of setback will be felt as I told you so.
8:26 Dr. John Delony? I want to suggest that you didn't get an I told you so. You got a hell yeah. And here's what I mean. Everything in your body orients towards is there a safe place? And for you, safe means predictable.
8:42 Dr. John Delony? And you chose to step out of predictability for something that might happen. And like I just said, on the other side of control, something great could happen. You could have had an outside sales and it could have exploded. You could have had your home and paid cash for your neighbor's home. And on the other side of control, it doesn't always work out.
9:05 Dr. John Delony? But when you grow up the way you did, every decision you make is judged not on strength and not on risk and not on the next right move. It's simply judged by, did you inconvenience or bother somebody else?
9:24 Dr. John Delony? Right?
9:26 Dr. John Delony? And so I would suggest you should be really, really proud of yourself for taking that step.
9:34 Dr. John Delony? And you learned, oh man, whenever I take this step again one day and take a risk, take a step through the tension and go to the other side of control. I've got cash in the bank. I've got a wife who's a good, who makes a great salary. We are going to take a risk, but not uncertain. We're not going to be homeless and we're not going to lose food. And also I have some more information now, some more wisdom. So I know better questions to ask about the stability of where I might try to step into.
10:08 Dr. John Delony? And the cool thing about getting married, especially if you marry a ride or die, somebody who's not against you, but on your team, y'all two versus the world, is she's able to see things and experience things that you don't see.
10:22 Dr. John Delony? And that can be the beauty of things.
10:25 Speaker 00 Mm hmm.
10:25 Dr. John Delony? Now, there's some wives that will nag their husbands, you need to make more money because they want a bigger Tahoe or whatever. Doesn't sound like her at all. It sounds like she's saying, dude, I see so much more potential in you than you see in yourself.
10:35 Speaker 00 Yes, 100%.
10:36 Dr. John Delony? And that means you married well, brother. That's awesome.
10:39 Speaker 00 For sure.
10:40 Dr. John Delony? So here's the path with money. Um, everybody has a different risk profile, okay? For me, I'm, I'm, uh, pathological, meaning, um, I can't sleep well. Like, I literally have tracked my sleep. My sleep is less when I owe people money. It's a constant threat to my nervous system. Just is. So my wife and I have lived in smaller houses. We've, we've driven crummier cars over the years because she loves me more than she loves shiny toys. And I have committed that when we hit certain thresholds and milestones, when we have
11:19 Dr. John Delony? this much savings, we have this much in retirement, when we have paid this big thing off, we're gonna go on whatever vacations you want to go on. We're gonna spend, like, I want you to spend almost indiscriminately, like, we budget our money, but like, I want you to spend whatever you want on fill in the blank. And so what I've had to do is say, are you with me? And I had to do the work of identifying, this is where I feel most exposed.
11:47 Dr. John Delony? And then on the back end of that saying, okay, I'm going to practice, this sounds stupid for everybody listening to this who's really, um, struggling financially right now.
11:58 Dr. John Delony? But I'm gonna practice spending money. I'm gonna budget money that with one intention, that is practicing letting it go, practicing seeing how joyful my wife is because we went to dinner together, feeling that, and then walking through it and saying, hmm, let's go do this. Let's go do, you plan the vacation. Where do you want to go? Let's go.
12:19 Speaker 00 Mm hmm.
12:20 Dr. John Delony? We're gonna intentionally put three date nights on the calendar, and two of them are gonna be at nicer restaurants than Chili's.
12:28 Dr. John Delony? Right. Right. We'll have one Taco Bell night because everybody needs a Taco Bell night, but we're gonna have two of them that are pretty nice places. Yeah. I'm gonna practice feeling that feeling and then going to do the next right thing.
12:40 Dr. John Delony? Yeah. Does that make sense? Absolutely does, yeah. I wish it was more complex than that, but my promise is if you will practice this over time, your body will reorient your nervous system, your threat detection system.
12:56 Dr. John Delony? Mm-hmm. To one that is, oh, this guy's driving, he's in control.
13:01 Dr. John Delony? Yeah. And especially if you give your wife a signal of some sort, a hand sign, a certain hug, like whatever, that lets her know, hey, I'm pretty anxious right now, or I'm nervous today, or I'm nervous this month. And she already has a roadmap for how she can love you in those moments. Dude, y'all are way, way ahead most. Mm-hmm. Otherwise, you'll end up fighting a fight about spending and saving, and that's not the real fight. The real fight is, am I safe? Yeah. You get what I'm saying? I do. Can I tell you, brother, I'm real, real proud of you. Oh, thanks, man.
13:44 Dr. John Delony? And if you haven't already, survivor's guilt is coming too. Mm-hmm. Are you already there? Pretty much. Because some of your brothers didn't make it like you did, did they? Really only one, to be honest. Okay, yeah. So, as the survivor's guilt builds and the feelings of guilt that you have, which I don't really think they're guilt, but it's just an easy word to put on them. As those feelings build, consider this. I want to put myself in the best situation with my marriage, with my mental and emotional health, and my finances, so that if the day comes I need to help somebody that I care about, I'm in a position to do so.
14:28 Dr. John Delony? Right. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's like me switching from, I want to work out so I can get a six pack and I can get ripped to making the switch to, I want to exercise every day. So I feel my best so I can show up and be the best husband and coworker and dad I can be. And that shift changed everything for me. You get what I'm saying?
14:48 Speaker 00 Oh yeah, totally.
14:49 Dr. John Delony? I'm gonna say no to all my brother's text messages and requests for money and hey, hey man, oh, it must be no, I'm gonna say no to those things so that when one of them needs some money down the road, needs some support or help down the road, I got you.
15:02 Speaker 00 Yeah.
15:06 Dr. John Delony? And this is just part of changing your family tree, brother.
15:11 Speaker 00 Mm hmm.
15:12 Dr. John Delony? For you, it might be that you and your wife work like bananas over the next 24 months to pay your house off. And everyone's gonna say, I can't believe you're paying it down with the interest rate. They don't get a vote, dude. I call it my sleep tax.
15:28 Dr. John Delony? Right? Like, and, and maybe that's not for you, maybe that's just for me, maybe that's for somebody else, but like, what is it gonna take for you to say, okay, the risk profile is low enough for me to be able to breathe? And now we're going to lean into this. Cause you're saving money, right?
15:43 Speaker 00 Oh yeah, like crazy. I mean, but and things we have spent good money on, they've always had like some kind of return. Like, oh, I'll spend this big boat load of money, but it's gonna be on finishing the basement because there's a return.
15:56 Dr. John Delony? Ah, yeah.
15:57 Speaker 00 It's never just, oh yeah, let's go blow money on a cool vacation because there's no return except for just.
16:04 Dr. John Delony? Joy.
16:04 Speaker 00 But I, I want that.
16:06 Dr. John Delony? Joy, life will live. I'll tell you, man, what my buddy who's one of my best friends on planet is a banker. He, I remember, like, I mean, I was just ranting and raving about the ROI on this particular house I bought and I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna keep it and blah, blah, blah, and flip it and move it here. And I remember he stopped me and he said, dude, get your wife a home. And I realized then I didn't know how to do that.
16:31 Speaker 00 Mm hmm.
16:31 Dr. John Delony? Right? Like, not everything needs to ROI in the short term or on a spreadsheet. There's different types of ROI. Purpose, passion, meaning, laughter, fun. And if you've never experienced those, or worse, if you've experienced those and gotten hit over the head because of them, you're just gonna have to practice your way into them, my brother.
16:54 Dr. John Delony? I want you and your wife to have this conversation. I want you all to go to dinner and I want you to ask her this one question. How do you want the house to feel every time I walk in? If y'all decide to have kids, how do we want the house to feel? When all of us are in the house together? I want it to feel warm, I want it to feel laughter, I want you to be happy I'm home, all those things. And I want you to be honest, here's what I want to feel when I walk in the house. And I want you all to reverse engineer, what must be true? What actions are going to get you and your body towards these places of peace? But man, you are doing so, so good, dude. It's awesome. Thanks for the call, homie.
17:36 Dr. John Delony? Practice, practice intentionality and more practice. This is changing your family tree, my man. We come back, a man asks how to help his wife feel loved and supported after giving birth. All right, let's talk about love and not the, "I wrote you every day for a year" kind of love, not that kind of nonsense love. I'm talking about a love that moves you to take care of the people closest to you with action. I'm talking about term life from Zander Insurance. If you have anyone depending on you, spouses, kids, or anyone, you need term life insurance. My wife and I trust Xander for term life insurance.
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19:10 Dr. John Delony? All right, we're back. Hey, please, please take two seconds, hit the subscribe button. And help put this show up in more people's feeds so more people can get access to these amazing brave conversations that folks have. Let's go out to Dayton, Ohio and talk to Connor. Hey Connor, what's up, man?
19:31 Speaker 02 I'm doing good. How are you?
19:32 Dr. John Delony? I'm good, brother. What's going on, man?
19:35 Speaker 02 So I was just wondering how I make my wife feel loved after she's given birth?
19:43 Dr. John Delony? I'm probably the wrong guy to ask on that one, dude. Have you asked her?
19:48 Speaker 02 Yeah, we've had conversations about it, but you know, I just wanted to hear from an expert, I guess.
19:54 Dr. John Delony? Well, the expert on what your wife needs to feel loved is your wife. Um, tell me how the conversations have gone.
20:02 Speaker 02 So sometimes she'll just be in like a moment of doubt and she'll, you know, look at me and ask if I regret marrying her or regret having our son and I understand that at some capacity, if she even has thoughts like that, then I've, I've failed. And um, I, I truly, I love my wife and I want her to feel loved and I want her to be loved. And I don't know, it just, it just makes me sad that she feels like that.
20:34 Dr. John Delony? Yeah.
20:34 Speaker 02 So I've talked to her, I've asked her.
20:37 Dr. John Delony? How, how soon after? How long ago was your baby born?
20:43 Speaker 02 Two months.
20:44 Dr. John Delony? Okay, so she's still very much in a postpartum timeframe. Okay.
20:48 Speaker 02 Correct.
20:49 Dr. John Delony? And so
20:52 Dr. John Delony? I would say one of the hardest challenges, like people talk about, I don't want to, I don't know how to wash bottles or what, you can learn all that stuff. The hardest part is staying present and staying sturdy.
21:07 Dr. John Delony? And choosing to hear certain things and not take them personally.
21:12 Dr. John Delony? Cause that kind of statement, do you still love me? Are you still glad you married me? Is a bid for, think of somebody with a blindfold on in the dark, reaching out, saying, are you still there? It's not an accusation.
21:27 Dr. John Delony? Or it's not an indictment. You know what I'm saying? Yes. And dude, I, I failed at this miserably. I took every word my wife said personally. I took every rejection from my two, three, four, six, seven month old kid personally. I remember sobbing dude. I remember being like banging on my car dashboard. What kind of loser father can't soothe their four month old son, five month old son?
21:55 Dr. John Delony? And it took me, it took me a long time to realize, oh, that was not about me at all. Had nothing to do with me.
22:02 Dr. John Delony? And if I could go back, I would hug myself and say, bro, just stay present. Stay here. It's not about you. And so here's a roadmap for you. Okay.
22:12 Dr. John Delony? Is she seeing somebody?
22:15 Dr. John Delony? Like a therapist? Or has she been honest with her OBGYN about?
22:21 Dr. John Delony? How she's kind of landing the plane, coming back to, postpartum, man, it's tough. It's, everybody experiences it different. And it can be a scary place. And if your wife knows, oh, I also have to manage my husband's emotions too. Often she'll stop talking because she doesn't want to hurt you. And that stop talking, that, that, that action of stop talking, man, it just becomes, it becomes really internalized. And so sometimes people get counselors, sometimes people like are real open and honest with their OBGYN, with their aftercare doctor, just to say like, hey, here's what I'm experiencing. And man, there's so many cool opportunities, treatments, medications in certain cases. There's so many different things to help land that plane.
23:07 Dr. John Delony? You know what I'm saying? Right. Yeah. Um, so I'd highly, highly, highly recommend that she talk to her doctor if she's struggling. Okay? If it's just a random this or that, what I would, not a random, that's not a dismissive, but um, if, if she's not struggling, if she's not wrestling with postpartum, if, if she's just like, her body's not where she wants it to be, her, she's doubting her skills as a new mother, which many, many, many, many people do. If, if she's going through that and she's just like literally reaching out in the dark saying, are you still here? Are you still here?
23:41 Dr. John Delony? A great avenue is to not look at this as the rest of your life, but to come up with a weekly touch point that is when everybody's good, or as good as you can be with a two month old that just, that just blew up your entire lives, right? Um, and say, hey, well, you're not feeling great. What's, what's a couple of ways I can love you well?
24:05 Dr. John Delony? Right. When you're really down, what's a way I can love you?
24:13 Dr. John Delony? Okay. I have a couple of guys that I hang out with, that I talk to. You never have to worry about my emotional well-being right now. I'm sturdy as an oak.
24:24 Dr. John Delony? And I'm going to trust you that if I need to take something personally, you will say, I want you to take this one personally. Right? And you're giving each other roadmaps and you're not saying this is going to be the way it is forever because it's just not, man. This too shall pass, but it's going to be this way for seven days. And then next week, we're going to check in on Sunday nights or Monday morning or whatever, and we're going to do this again. What about this week? What about next week? And if she tells you, hey dude, you're not helping enough around here, and you can say, okay, can you help me? Like, I'm trying my best. I know it shouldn't be your job, but I just need help. What else needs to be done around here? I don't know how to sterilize bottles. I've never changed a diaper or whatever. And you choose not to take that personally as you're some kind of failure as a father, but instead you choose to say, I'm going to be one of those dads that steps in the gap, in, in the gap.
25:08 Dr. John Delony? And not only steps in the gap, but picks this house up from the foundation up. All men can wash dishes. All men can change diapers. All men can come home exhausted from work and take the baby because their wife is, is crumbling under the weight. That, that's just what good spouses and good partners do.
25:24 Dr. John Delony? Right? Right.
25:27 Dr. John Delony? And I'm just, I'm imploring you to not take the shift and change as she doesn't love you as much anymore, she's doubting your relationship now, you're a failed father. Man, this stuff, it's all so new. It's just about doing what's the next right thing. And she's gonna be the best guide for how you can love her well when she's struggling, when she's up, when she's down, whatever. Like in that situation you just gave me, um, when my wife was two months postpartum, the greatest gift I could have given her in that moment is to say nothing and just go hug her, just go hold her. Because that wasn't an information question, it was a nervous system question.
26:15 Speaker 02 Right.
26:16 Dr. John Delony? You get what I'm saying?
26:18 Speaker 02 Yeah, makes sense.
26:21 Dr. John Delony? Are you scared? You nervous? Tell me what you're feeling.
26:30 Speaker 02 It's a lot. You know, I, I feel like I don't do enough for her and I try to, I'm not as present as I should be with a baby, I'm willing to admit that, but...
26:41 Dr. John Delony? I want you to lock your phone away.
26:46 Dr. John Delony? And you're gonna feel incompetent, and you're gonna feel bored, and you're gonna feel like you're wasting your time. And I'm telling you right now, these are magic, magic moments if you'll lean into them, through the boredom, through the frustration, through the I can't make him stop crying, through the I don't know what to do. Otherwise, you're gonna spend your time in a shame spiral where I'm not helping like I should, and you're gonna pick up your phone to alleviate that, and then your kid's gonna start crying, you're gonna hand him back to her, while she just needs five minutes in the shower by herself, 20 minutes in the shower alone, please God, and you're gonna hand her the baby back, and you go back to your phone, and back to your phone. Put your phone away, and force yourself into that discomfort. Okay?
27:30 Speaker 02 Right.
27:30 Dr. John Delony? Is that fair?
27:32 Speaker 02 Yeah.
27:33 Dr. John Delony? Have you ever been a dad before?
27:35 Speaker 02 No.
27:36 Dr. John Delony? Have you ever been married to someone who just had a two, a, a, a two month old? Had their body explode and had a two month old?
27:44 Speaker 02 Yes.
27:46 Dr. John Delony? You've been married to somebody before?
27:49 Speaker 02 Oh, I thought you meant like this marriage.
27:51 Dr. John Delony? No, no, no.
27:51 Speaker 02 This is my first marriage.
27:52 Dr. John Delony? Okay, so will you do me a huge favor?
27:55 Speaker 02 Yeah.
27:55 Dr. John Delony? Give, cut yourself some, some slack, man. Give yourself some grace.
28:01 Dr. John Delony? Okay?
28:02 Speaker 02 I try.
28:03 Dr. John Delony? I know.
28:05 Dr. John Delony? Most men, and I'm looking at myself here, didn't even know enough to ask, how can I love you? What tasks need to be done?
28:16 Dr. John Delony? Maybe call two or three of your buddies and say, hey, what's 10 things I can do? Or call your buddies' wives that you're still close to. Call them and say, hey, I need 10 things that I need. I'm gonna walk in the door every day after work and my phone's gonna be away and I'm gonna knock these things out. Um, and by the way, you're gonna wash the clothes. You're gonna be like, dude, I'm gonna do all the laundry. And you're gonna wash them with the wrong soap or whatever. And she, your wife's gonna say, I can't believe you washed the wrong soap. You're gonna have to choose not to take that personally and say, cool, learn something else. Onto the next. You get what I'm saying? It's about showing up and just showing up and just showing up.
28:47 Speaker 02 Right.
28:48 Dr. John Delony? And it's so, it's so hard, man. It's so hard.
28:54 Speaker 02 Okay.
28:55 Dr. John Delony? But the best, the best person to tell you how you can love her is her.
29:02 Dr. John Delony? And I promise it, all the men listening, if your wife knows, I can't fully let myself be seen and known because my husband's gonna take it personal and he's gonna go into a, a temper tantrum or a shame spiral, whatever, they're gonna stop telling you. They're gonna stop letting themselves be seen and known. And when that happens, man, now y'all got real problems. And so. I'm gonna have a group of guys that I complain with. I'm gonna have a group of guys that I ask questions to. I'm gonna have a group of my buddies' wives who can help me like, "Hey, what are 10 things I need to be doing right now? Right now." And I'm gonna knock them out. I'm gonna be so tired, but she is too. We're both tired. And I'm gonna keep grinding and grinding and grinding. And me and my wife are gonna have at least one touch point a week. How can I love you this week? And your baby, your marriage, your wife,
29:47 Dr. John Delony? it will change that quickly in this season. It'll level out in several months and it will level out in several years. But right now, it's changing minute by minute. So, hey, I'm gonna hook you up, dude. I'm gonna send you and your wife the Together app for a year for free. Okay, so hang on the line, homie. I'm gonna hook you up. And it is just a small daily action back towards each other. One of them is to write a note of support and love for your spouse. I sat down at my desk this morning. I'm working on a writing project. I sat down. My wife had written the note and said it right there, dude. And it was, I can't tell you how awesome it was. Because me and my wife use the app too. So, I'm gonna send it to you. And it's just a daily action, a small bid back to each other.
30:31 Dr. John Delony? And as we're finding out from folks who are using this app all over the country, it makes all the difference. And so, hang on the line. We're gonna hook you up for it. If you're interested in the Together app, go to the App Store and download it. It's awesome. It's super inexpensive for you and your spouse. Super inexpensive. We did that intentionally. And Android folks, we're on the way. We'll be right back.
30:55 Dr. John Delony? Every day on my show, I talk about boundaries. And listen, boundaries are not about being mean and boundaries are not about cutting everybody off. Boundaries are about being safe. And most of us do not have boundaries when it comes to sharing our data online. In fact, most of us don't even know that we are sharing it. We're actually not sharing it. It's being taken from us. And this is why I use and recommend Delete Me. If someone can get online and find your home address, your phone number, pictures of your relatives, where your kids go to school, this should not just be a part of modern life. This is your private life being sold in public. You would never let strangers walk through your house and start flipping through your photo albums, going through your phone and reading your mail. But that's what's happening online.
31:41 Dr. John Delony? Data brokers buy and sell your personal information to people you don't want having it. That's their whole business model. You, you're the product. Delete Me goes to these sites, removes your information and checks month after month to keep it gone. Delete Me handles it, saving you tons of time and tons of hassles. Protect your digital boundaries. Go to joindelete.me/deloney for 20% off an annual plan. That's joindelete.me/deloney.
32:11 Dr. John Delony? All right, let's go to H-Town and talk to Lynn. What's up Lynn?
32:17 Speaker 03 Hello?
32:17 Dr. John Delony? What's up?
32:19 Speaker 03 Uh, well, uh, they told me to keep it short and to the point, so here's my question.
32:24 Dr. John Delony? Go for it. What you got?
32:26 Speaker 03 Um, 50-year-old female, been with my husband 31 years, married 26, and, um, he's been an alcoholic, a high, high-functioning alcoholic the whole time. And he finally decided, after many years of me and my children begging him, whatever, we finally gave up and he can do his own thing. Um, then he decided he was gonna go to rehab. So I took him to rehab and the whole way down there, he was, you know, "I just want us to get back together" or "reconnect. I just want you to love me" and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And that's
33:06 Speaker 03 not been the deal I've been living for ever. And I kinda have moved on, whether he's aware of it or not.
33:16 Dr. John Delony? What does that mean? What does that mean? Are you seeing somebody else?
33:19 Speaker 03 Absolutely not. That is the last thing.
33:23 Dr. John Delony? I'm done with men.
33:25 Speaker 03 I just, I'm, I don't need one.
33:29 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
33:30 Speaker 03 Um, so I have really lost, you know, lost respect for him a long time ago.
33:36 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
33:38 Speaker 03 Um, and, uh, he's welcome to come home. He's welcome to be back in the house. He's welcome to be, um, you know, there and everything. But my question to you, I guess, is, is it mean of me just to try to stay the status quo and stay the platonic marriage that we've had for the last however long? Or should I, is it mean to expect that because I know he's gonna wanna expect something different when he gets back? Or do I just, you know, go ahead and give him a divorce? So if he wants to move on, he can.
34:15 Dr. John Delony? I mean, it sounds like you've already left him.
34:19 Speaker 03 Years ago.
34:20 Dr. John Delony? Yeah.
34:20 Speaker 03 It's only brand-new information to him.
34:26 Dr. John Delony? But he was sick.
34:28 Speaker 03 He what?
34:29 Dr. John Delony? He was sick.
34:32 Speaker 03 Uh, yeah, but there was a lot of, uh, in the meantime, I mean, like I said, he's high-functioning, was able to keep his job, go to work every day and do, um, but, uh, years of, you know, him knowing he has a drinking problem and children asking him when they were as little as five and six to not drink and do, and me being 100% responsible, being the main breadwinner, um, provider for our children, uh, everything. And I get that
35:11 Speaker 03 he was sick, but, and this may make me sound bad, after a while, you know, you don't care that they're sick.
35:22 Speaker 03 And so...
35:24 Dr. John Delony? So, so, yes, to answer the question, for him to come home, and for him to come home to somebody who, you don't just not like him, um, you despise him. You despise what he's put you...
35:40 Speaker 03 I really...
35:41 Dr. John Delony? You, you, you don't...
35:42 Speaker 03 I don't.
35:43 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, it, it, you're, it's worse, let me say it's worse than despise.
35:46 Speaker 03 I'm apathetic.
35:47 Dr. John Delony? That's it. You don't even care.
35:49 Speaker 03 No, I don't.
35:50 Dr. John Delony? Yeah.
35:51 Speaker 03 I'm completely apathetic.
35:52 Dr. John Delony? Yeah.
35:53 Speaker 03 My children have really suffered. Um, my son had a drug overdose a year ago, and, uh, I, I have been begging for help with our son since he was little, and I was turned into the villain by him with our son, and I had to go pick up our son and carry him out of the house, literally carry him like a baby, 21-years-old, and go to the emergency room to save his life, and my husband showed up for 20 minutes.
36:23 Speaker 03 And I stayed in the hospital with them for three days and got him fifty one fifty to take care of him. And this is how my life has been with him. I have to take care of everything. And now that he wants to take care of his problem, now I'm supposed to flip the switch and be like, okay.
36:41 Dr. John Delony? No, not at all. I don't think that's what anyone is asking. I think you're mad that he's going to get help.
36:51 Speaker 03 Well, yeah, because now it's costing me money again.
36:55 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, listen, listen, Lynn, Lynn, Lynn, Lynn, your marriage has been over forever.
37:00 Speaker 03 Yes.
37:01 Dr. John Delony? Why won't you just like, what you, what you're not owning here is that you have chosen every minute of this too.
37:10 Speaker 03 Uh huh. Yes, I purposely did. When I had talked to my daughter when she was fourteen, I had taken her out for a girl's day and I was gonna say, hey, you know, because I knew she would be the one to take it hard. And I approached divorcing her father and she lost it.
37:31 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, I know, I know, but you outsourced your emotional, the next right thing, your emotional maturity onto a fourteen year old girl. That was not fair.
37:38 Speaker 03 Yes. No, it wasn't. I look back at that and I know a hundred percent, but I knew that if she could be okay with it, I could do it and we could move on and have a better life. And she melted down and I said, okay, that is not something you will ever have to worry about. Don't worry about that.
37:54 Dr. John Delony? Okay, hold on, whoa, whoa, whoa, do not, Lynn, do not put this on her.
37:58 Speaker 03 No, I'm not. What I'm saying is I would have left a long, long time ago.
38:05 Dr. John Delony? Okay, but hold on, but you didn't. And here we are.
38:08 Speaker 03 No, yes.
38:09 Dr. John Delony? Here we are.
38:11 Speaker 03 So here I am, a lot of years later.
38:13 Dr. John Delony? You feel like you have burned your life to the ground.
38:16 Speaker 03 Yep.
38:17 Dr. John Delony? And you feel like he kept putting kindling on the fire.
38:21 Speaker 03 Yes.
38:21 Dr. John Delony? So until you get over your anger with, with yourself.
38:27 Dr. John Delony? Until you take ownership of, "I stayed in the passenger seat on this roller coaster. I could've got out at any time."
38:36 Speaker 03 Uh huh.
38:37 Dr. John Delony? But I chose to stay here. I chose to stay here.
38:41 Speaker 03 Yep. Yes, I did.
38:43 Dr. John Delony? And until you take co-responsibility for the world you all co-created. Now, if he was on the phone, 100%, he should've been there for his family, should've been there for his kids, should've done his drinking a long time ago.
38:54 Speaker 03 Yeah.
38:55 Dr. John Delony? And he didn't.
38:56 Speaker 03 No, I was, I have my equal fair share.
38:59 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
38:59 Speaker 03 I was hard on my kids, I was everything else, so, no, they're 100%. I have been that way. Uh, not...
39:10 Dr. John Delony? Okay, but, but, listen. If he was a stranger.
39:13 Speaker 03 Uh huh.
39:15 Dr. John Delony? Just somebody you worked with. You would treat him with more grace and gratitude than you're treating him right now. If he was a homeless person on the side of the road in downtown Houston, and you talked to him for two minutes, and they're like, "Hey, I just got out of recovery. I blew my whole family up, and I decided, like, I gotta be, I want more for their life, I want more for my life." You would high-five him. But the fact that...
39:41 Speaker 03 Well, that's what I'm saying.
39:42 Dr. John Delony? The fact that you're mad that he's going to get help.
39:45 Speaker 03 No, I'm not. I, I'm, I'm, I'm mad that it's too little, too late.
39:51 Dr. John Delony? If that's the way you want to see it, then, yes, it's cruel for you to welcome him back home and say, "I'm still gonna remain cut off. I'm not gonna listen to your, um, to you walk through your guilt, and your pain, and your shame, and regret. I will not be here for you. I haven't been here for you for years, you weren't here for me." Yes, that's cruel.
40:14 Speaker 03 Okay. That's what I need to know.
40:20 Speaker 03 I mean, I do not wish him ill will. I do not wish anything bad for him at all.
40:25 Dr. John Delony? I don't, I don't believe you. I think you, I, I.
40:28 Speaker 03 I really don't. I really would love for him to have a wonderful life. I think we both cheated each other. I really do. I think he could have had a much better existence than I could have, and we both messed up by.
40:42 Dr. John Delony? And so is blowing it up, is ending it?
40:46 Dr. John Delony? Is that the best shot?
40:48 Speaker 03 I don't, okay, this sounds terrible. I don't have one ounce of respect for him.
40:54 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
40:56 Speaker 03 Not one ounce. He, there's nothing that he provides our family that I need.
41:07 Speaker 03 And I think he should work on his relationship with his kids and not worry about me.
41:15 Dr. John Delony? Okay, like you're, you've been divorced from him for a long, long, long time.
41:20 Speaker 03 Long time.
41:21 Dr. John Delony? And your, your feeling of superiority over him is, yeah, it's gonna be a tough shadow for him to heal out from underneath. Cause you think you're so much better than him.
41:33 Speaker 03 I will not disagree because of the stuff that's gone on.
41:36 Dr. John Delony? Okay, yeah.
41:39 Speaker 03 I know that, I know it's awful.
41:40 Dr. John Delony? No, no, no, you're being honest. I, I wanna, I wanna honor you for being honest, for telling the truth.
41:45 Speaker 03 Yeah, I, I think, I don't think that morally I'm a better person. I'm just.
41:53 Dr. John Delony? I think you do. I mean, I, I mean, you showed up for your kids and he didn't. I would make a moral snap judgment on somebody in that situation.
42:00 Speaker 03 Yeah, and that's just many times. And that's what he said to me the other day when he called from rehab and said, you know, I called our daughter and she was just like, whatever. And she's very apathetic as well. My son is kind of like, well, just do what you gotta do. And everybody, and he's like, he can't understand why we're all not like jumping for joy, patting them on the back. And it's like, we've been begging you for years.
42:29 Speaker 03 And so now that you were the one uncomfortable, now that you were the one struggling physically, and that's the only reason you chose to go, that's the reason you went. Not because of us, not because of your kids, not because of anything else, because you were physically struggling.
42:47 Dr. John Delony? And the animosity baked into the stories you've made up about why he does what he does?
42:54 Speaker 03 What do you mean?
42:56 Dr. John Delony? Um.
43:01 Dr. John Delony? I guess having spent my whole career sitting with folks struggling with addiction, losing everything.
43:10 Dr. John Delony? Man, I've gotten mad and I've gotten pissed off and I made some commitments to myself. I've got an addictive personality. I'm a pretty boring hang these days.
43:18 Speaker 03 Yeah.
43:19 Dr. John Delony? Because I've seen what it does on the other side.
43:21 Speaker 03 Yeah.
43:21 Dr. John Delony? But man, if I, I just, I have nothing but heartbreaking compassion for folks in the throes of addiction.
43:32 Speaker 03 Yes.
43:32 Dr. John Delony? And?
43:32 Speaker 03 I have helped all my family members.
43:35 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
43:35 Speaker 03 All of them. And I've helped him the exact same way I've helped them.
43:41 Dr. John Delony? But, but right now, but listen to me, you're addicted to anger and you're addicted to righteousness and you're addicted to rage. And I'm telling you-
43:47 Speaker 03 What I'm addicted to is the last three weeks have been the best three weeks I've had in a long time.
43:53 Dr. John Delony? Great, you've had peace.
43:55 Speaker 03 Yes. I'm not mad.
43:59 Speaker 03 I'm just, don't, I'm, I'm too far past to go back to try to have a romantic relationship with him.
44:07 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
44:09 Speaker 03 And so, you know-
44:11 Dr. John Delony? Then I think, I think the fair thing, not the fair, we're, we're not even gonna talk about fair. I think a compassionate thing would do, to do, would be to let him know while he's surrounded by care and support.
44:23 Speaker 03 Okay.
44:25 Speaker 03 Okay.
44:27 Dr. John Delony? Because at least he could hear that news face to face from you and then have a team of rehab specialists and sobriety specialist and hopefully mental and um medical care.
44:42 Speaker 03 Mm-hmm.
44:42 Dr. John Delony? Mental support and medical care around him.
44:44 Speaker 03 Yeah.
44:44 Dr. John Delony? While he metabolizes that. And by the way, part of treatment-
44:48 Speaker 03 Because I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt him.
44:50 Dr. John Delony? Yeah.
44:50 Speaker 03 And I don't want his life to be bad. I really don't. I, I know you think I do. I, I promise you, I don't. I would love for him to go have a happy life. If he found somebody else and was thrilled and tickled, I would be tickled for him.
45:09 Speaker 03 I, I don't have, uh, I don't hate him. I don't anything. I really do wish the best for him. As long as it doesn't include me doing more work for him, like I've always been doing.
45:25 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
45:28 Speaker 03 I'm, I'm burnt out.
45:29 Dr. John Delony? Yeah. I hear it.
45:33 Dr. John Delony? And, and I, I don't, I don't blame you for being burnt out. I don't blame you for being exhausted. I don't blame you for being mad.
45:44 Speaker 03 So the best thing for me to do would be to tell him before he comes home?
45:48 Dr. John Delony? I, I can't, I can't tell you what the next right move is for you. This is too messy and it-
45:53 Speaker 03 Okay.
45:54 Dr. John Delony? And you're too mad. You're too angry. I, I can tell you-
45:58 Speaker 03 I promise I'm not mad. I promise I'm not mad.
46:02 Dr. John Delony? I, I-
46:02 Speaker 03 I am-
46:04 Dr. John Delony? I can only tell you the most compassionate thing.
46:07 Speaker 03 Okay.
46:08 Dr. John Delony? By the way, I assure you, if that rehab program is worth its salt, is an inpatient program- How long has he gone for? Thirty days, sixty days?
46:18 Speaker 03 Uh, forty-five.
46:19 Dr. John Delony? Forty-five. I promise you, there'll be more self-loathing going on in there than you can possibly wrap your head around.
46:25 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah. And I don't want to add to it. I swear to God, I don't.
46:28 Dr. John Delony? It's, it's not about adding to it. It's not about adding to it.
46:32 Speaker 03 Okay.
46:33 Dr. John Delony? Okay? It's not about that.
46:36 Dr. John Delony? He will have to learn, there are some things when it comes to making amends, I have to make amends to somebody.
46:44 Speaker 03 Uh huh.
46:44 Dr. John Delony? And I can't, I can't own how they choose to respond to it. And that might come with a ton of grief and heartache.
46:52 Speaker 03 Okay.
46:52 Dr. John Delony? Guilt, shame, all that. What I'm telling you is the most compassionate thing for somebody as fragile as his situation is, would be to give him hard news while he's supported by care. And honestly, the most compassionate thing you could do would be to call his head person, the person in charge, the social worker in charge of his care.
47:12 Speaker 03 Okay.
47:14 Dr. John Delony? And say, this is the decision I have made. I'm choosing this. When's the best time?
47:21 Speaker 03 Okay.
47:22 Dr. John Delony? And you will not be the first person to have called the rehab facility to say, I'm filing.
47:27 Speaker 03 Okay, yeah. Okay. That's what I wanted to know is, is it bad just to let him come back and stay status quo the way we've been for 15 years?
47:41 Dr. John Delony? It will be impossible.
47:43 Speaker 03 Okay.
47:44 Dr. John Delony? He'll try to plug, he'll try to connect, which is what human beings do. And you will be shut off. And he'll go right back to either the old addictive behaviors that covered up a home and a life and a, and a self that he couldn't connect to.
48:00 Speaker 03 Uh huh.
48:02 Dr. John Delony? Or he'll find new ones.
48:05 Speaker 03 Okay. Well, that is exactly what I wanted to know. That, that is. Uh, because like I said, if he can get sober and stay sober, there's nothing better in the world for my children, nothing. And so if, if I would be, you know, coming back, doing the same old, same old, and that would throw him back into bad behavior, that's not going to help my children. Cause I, they're finally old enough. They're 22 and 25. They're, they know. They're now adults. They can deal with it if parents aren't together.
48:50 Dr. John Delony? I hate that it ends this way for y'all.
48:55 Speaker 03 Well, I tell you what, it...
49:00 Speaker 03 We should have never got married, but I did get my children out of it. So I'm thrilled with that.
49:06 Speaker 03 I'm not shocked that it's ending this way.
49:13 Speaker 03 So that was my question is, no, and you answered it. Don't come home to status quo because that's...
49:21 Dr. John Delony? It's dishonest. Well, it's dishonest.
49:23 Speaker 03 Yeah.
49:24 Dr. John Delony? It's cruel.
49:24 Speaker 03 Okay.
49:25 Dr. John Delony? Yeah. So, yeah, I wish you guys the best in what you're doing.
49:32 Dr. John Delony? We'll be right back.
49:35 Dr. John Delony? Hey, let's talk about Helix. For years, I thought that sleep was for losers, for weak people. I just thought you had to push and push and push and snap into a slim jim and just keep ignoring sleep. And of course, I crashed. It's nonsense. When you're exhausted, when you haven't slept well, everything feels heavier, harder and more complex. Deep sleep is critical to your brain health, to your body's health, and to controlling wild emotional responses. If you've got big feelings like me, one of the greatest things you can do for yourself is get good sleep. And when I finally started taking my sleep seriously, everything changed for me. And one of the big things that helped my sleep was switching to a Helix mattress.
50:20 Dr. John Delony? I've had mine for a couple of years now, and I track my sleep. Helix has made a huge difference in my deep sleep and especially in my REM sleep. Helix can also make a difference for you. Go online and take their sleep quiz. It takes like two minutes and they're going to match you with the perfect mattress just for how you actually sleep. It ships straight to your door, you get a 120 night sleep trial, and it's backed by a limited lifetime warranty. Go to helixsleep.com/deloney and get 20% off site wide during their spring savings event. That's helixsleep.com/deloney for 20% off. And be sure to tell them that you heard about their amazing mattresses right here on the Dr. John Deloney Show. With Helix, better sleep starts right now.
51:05 Dr. John Delony? All right, we're back. All right, Kelly.
51:08 Speaker 04 Yes.
51:08 Dr. John Delony? Talk about that last call. What do you think?
51:12 Speaker 04 I think she's just done.
51:13 Dr. John Delony? Oh.
51:14 Speaker 04 And I clearly.
51:15 Dr. John Delony? She made that clear, yeah.
51:16 Speaker 04 Yeah, but I don't necessarily see that she wants him to hurt him or anything like that. I think she's past that because there comes a point when when you're angry and you want to hurt somebody, there's still there's still a passion there of some sort. She has passed that point because she has lived in 25 years. Yes, that she co-created 100% and I think she took she took responsibility for that.
51:37 Dr. John Delony? Yeah.
51:38 Speaker 04 But it's to the point now where it's like there comes a point when it's too little too late, when you've gotten to a point you can't get past anymore, that she's just done.
51:49 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, no, I I 100% understand and agree with that.
51:59 Dr. John Delony? What I what I don't what I struggle with is folks who A, and which we talked about in the call, she asked her 14 year olds permission. I think that's never it's a no go that I have a hard choice to make. I'm gonna put on my kid.
52:23 Dr. John Delony? The call shifted, I felt shipped over time from I can't believe he's doing this now. Who does he think he is after all these years of going through all this? Now he's gonna go get well and healed and okay. And and maybe there's a tension there between I'm anger now angry now why now? And also, when we have hard decisions to make, she looped all the way back to we shouldn't have even gotten married. Well, now we're into some revisionist history. We're going all the way back, right? And at the same time, yeah, there's just a cruelty to I got so mad this many years ago that I decided I'm just gonna plant my plant my flag in the ground.
53:07 Dr. John Delony? My kids are gonna base in this, he's gonna base in this, I'm gonna base in this, and I'm gonna get matter and matter and matter and matter. And to the point of yeah, burning off the endings of all of my emotions and feelings to where I feel nothing, except now I feel peace because he's out of the house, which I have no doubt, no doubt about that, right? And so I guess what I hate is I hate that it took getting here.
53:34 Speaker 04 Yeah, I definitely agree. And, you know, I also understand the.
53:41 Speaker 04 You keep thinking it'll change and you keep thinking it'll change.
53:44 Dr. John Delony? And you look up and 20 years have gone by. I get that.
53:46 Speaker 04 Right, and the kids are, you know, growing up and you're just trying to function and get through and on a daily basis. And she probably spent a lot of time getting between him and the kids and trying to make everything better.
54:01 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, it's been a mess for forever.
54:02 Speaker 04 Yeah, and then like you said, you look up and it's been 20 years and then it's like, now that I'm to this point, now you're getting help? It doesn't make it right, but I can see her feelings of like, seriously?
54:11 Dr. John Delony? Yeah.
54:12 Speaker 04 Now? And the fact that I, you know, it kind of sounded like, based on reading her email, that does he feel like, well, I'm getting help now, so everything will be better? And it's like...
54:22 Dr. John Delony? Well, that's what people think day two and day three, right? And then they get into it. Hopefully, it's a good facility and a good team around him, but you get into it and you realize, oh, no, no, no, everything is different now. And everything is revealed, right? They slowly peel the cataract of the wake of hurt and pain and damage you've caused, all those that loved you and that you loved. And that's a heavy, overwhelming thing. I mean, that's extraordinary. I just got a lot of compassion for people that carry that. And I have a ton of compassion for people who are trying to love people in the throes of addiction. It's a nightmare. It's a nightmare.
55:02 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, it's just messy. Not every call in the show has a happy ending. It's a tough one. It's a tough one. And on those moments when you don't know what to do, or you're burnt out, or you're fried, or you're angry, or whatever, or you're just done, that's the moments when I think we have to be intentional about choosing compassion, choosing kindness, and choosing dignity, even if other people haven't shown it. And I'm gonna do the most gracious, I'm gonna do the next hard, hard thing that I know is gonna hurt you, but I'm gonna do it in the most gracious, compassionate way I can. And I'm not gonna do another 20 years of choosing this life with someone I don't have any feelings for and blame you for. So, yeah, it's a tough one. Tough, tough, tough one.
55:47 Dr. John Delony? Good call. Good pick, Kelly. Way to bring up a room.
55:52 Dr. John Delony? Next show, Kelly's gonna set me on fire just to see what it feels like. Love you guys. Bye.
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