Pod Insights The Dr. John Delony Show I’m Not Attracted to My Overweight Husband About this episode 🔥 Microhabits for a better marriage. Download the Together app.
On today’s episode, we hear about:
- A wife wanting to tell her husband that his recent weight gain is a turnoff
- A soon-to-be mom who is scared she won’t be a good parent
- A woman wondering how to support her husband’s upcoming job change
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Transcript Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:05 Speaker 00 I've always been a health freak. I've been going to the gym for several years. How do I gothly tell my husband that his weight gain is starting to become a turnoff?
0:19 Dr. John Delony? Ooh. Ah.
0:30 Dr. John Delony? Hey, what's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad that you're here, taking your calls from all over the planet on whatever's going on in your life. The last two decades, I've sat with people who the wheels have fallen off in their life, trying to figure out what's the next right move. Your mental and emotional health, your kids, your marriage, your dating life, whatever you've got going on. My promise is I'll sit with you and we'll figure out what's the next right move for you. Let's go out to Tulsa, Oklahoma and talk to Nicole. Hey Nicole, what's up?
1:02 Speaker 00 Hi, Dr. John. How are you?
1:04 Dr. John Delony? I'm doing great. How are you?
1:06 Speaker 00 I'm good. Thanks for taking my call.
1:08 Dr. John Delony? Of course. What's going on?
1:10 Speaker 00 Um, my question is, how do I gothly tell my husband that his weight gain is starting to become a turnoff?
1:20 Dr. John Delony? Ooh.
1:21 Speaker 00 My personality is to be a bull.
1:24 Dr. John Delony? Ah. Ah.
1:30 Dr. John Delony? Tell me more.
1:32 Speaker 00 So, we had a baby last April and I've always been a health freak. Um, I've been going to the gym for several years. Uh, when we got together, he was heavier, but it wasn't really an issue for me. Um, and then here recently, our daughter actually just turned one on Sunday. Um, I've just been noticing probably about the last six months that I just feel like he's started gaining weight more noticeably and I feel like the...
2:11 Speaker 00 Eating habits have increased, um, and it's just, it bothers me.
2:17 Dr. John Delony? What is, what do you, when you said the eating habits have increased, what does that mean?
2:22 Speaker 00 Um, I can't keep snacks in the house or we go through them with, before the end of the week.
2:31 Speaker 00 Um, lunch, uh, he likes to make his sandwiches at work, um, and I'm basically buying a whole tube of Miracle Whip and a whole box of sliced cheese almost every week to every other week.
2:50 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
2:52 Dr. John Delony? So while you may be not attracted to his weight gain, right, purely aesthetically, right?
3:01 Speaker 00 Yes.
3:03 Dr. John Delony? I hear you say you're becoming not attracted or less attracted to him as a person.
3:12 Dr. John Delony? Or let me, I, I don't want to read too much into what you said, but he's beginning to gross you out in who he is. Is that right? Or is that too much?
3:23 Speaker 00 Um, I'd say maybe a little bit, maybe the self-control aspect is becoming an act.
3:35 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
3:37 Dr. John Delony? Where else is, are you discovering there's a distance between you?
3:43 Speaker 00 Um.
3:46 Speaker 00 Our faith.
3:48 Dr. John Delony? Tell me more about that.
3:51 Speaker 00 Uh.
3:54 Speaker 00 We.
3:58 Speaker 00 I am, uh, growing, we both grew up in Christian households, um, and he went to the same church since the moment he was born, um, and I kind of followed him into that when we got together and were dating, but I just felt like I wasn't spiritually growing. It wasn't really my religion. So I spread off and went to the church that I kind of grew up in, um, and the same religion. And he actually followed me there, which was a huge step, but I'm trying to pour into that community and kind of start becoming more faithful. And I'm doing defotions and worshiping and actively talking about the Lord and he just doesn't care.
4:40 Speaker 00 He won't active, be active in any of that stuff with me. And I've asked him
4:46 Speaker 00 about it. And he just like, no, I'm good.
4:50 Dr. John Delony? What else?
4:55 Speaker 00 Um.
4:57 Dr. John Delony? If you had to pinpoint some places where y'all have grown apart.
5:04 Speaker 00 He's.
5:08 Speaker 00 He doesn't show any emotion.
5:12 Dr. John Delony? Can he?
5:15 Speaker 00 I've asked.
5:17 Dr. John Delony? I, I know you've asked in your words.
5:20 Speaker 00 I don't know.
5:20 Dr. John Delony? But if your actions are a language, is he allowed to show emotion? Is he allowed to show frustration, disappointment, sadness? Is he allowed to just be low?
5:31 Dr. John Delony? Or is the way you do things, the way things need to be done, whether it's fitness and in which you call yourself a freak? Is it fitness? Is it sexuality? Is it what we eat and how we eat and where we worship and how much we do it and how much we talk about it?
5:49 Speaker 00 No.
5:51 Dr. John Delony? Has he just learned, all right, I'm out?
5:58 Dr. John Delony? And I'm, I'm not, I'm not making accusations. I'm just asking.
6:01 Speaker 00 Yeah.
6:04 Speaker 00 Uh.
6:05 Dr. John Delony? Because the way you're communicating, the way you're talking about him is very much the way a mom talks about her son that she's frustrated with.
6:13 Speaker 00 Okay.
6:13 Dr. John Delony? And that may be because he acts like a kid.
6:18 Dr. John Delony? And it may be that he's trying to find pockets of safety and he's eating his feelings right now. Cause that's the only place for them to go is shoved down. Cause I live in her house and worship at her church and raise our kid the way she wants it to be done. And ultimately my home is a failure factory.
6:43 Dr. John Delony? Does that sound right? Or is it my way off?
6:45 Speaker 00 Yeah. No. Very accurate.
6:48 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
6:53 Dr. John Delony? So the...
6:59 Dr. John Delony? You won't like my answer, if that helps, okay? There's not a gentle way to tell somebody you're not attracted to them anymore, okay? There is an honest way, and a helpful way, and there's hurtful ways to do that.
7:14 Speaker 00 Yeah.
7:14 Dr. John Delony? But to me, the bigger conversation here is, how long have you all been married before you had a kid?
7:20 Speaker 00 Oh, we got pregnant two months after we were married.
7:24 Dr. John Delony? Okay, so, and your kid's about to turn one, you said?
7:28 Speaker 00 She just turned one, yes.
7:29 Dr. John Delony? Okay, so how much of this is you are opening your eyes to, this is your life now, and you don't like it?
7:40 Speaker 00 I...
7:42 Speaker 00 I feel like I love my life.
7:44 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
7:45 Speaker 00 And I love being a mom.
7:46 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
7:48 Speaker 00 I'm nervous that...
7:51 Speaker 00 It's just settling.
7:54 Dr. John Delony? And what does that mean?
8:02 Speaker 00 I just, I don't...
8:06 Speaker 00 Sorry, I'm trying to gather my thoughts.
8:09 Speaker 00 His family is all very obese, and I just don't want that to be us.
8:17 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
8:21 Speaker 00 And I'm nervous that he'll be like his dad and check out, and not want to play with our kids.
8:29 Speaker 00 Because his dad sits on the couch and drinks a Diet Coke for water and eats Cheetos all night.
8:38 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
8:42 Dr. John Delony? And I can tell you,
8:45 Dr. John Delony? your husband feels every nook and cranny of the laser beam that is your judgment on his every move.
8:54 Dr. John Delony? And if you truly value him, and you value y'all's marriage, and you value your kid growing up in a stable home...
9:07 Dr. John Delony? Then turning the laser of judgment off.
9:12 Dr. John Delony? And turning on what I would call like the gentle dome light of I see and know that there's a different person in my home that I'm going to co-create a life with.
9:25 Dr. John Delony? Because right now, you're only seeing your world. And he is impacting your world negatively. And what you're not recognizing is that it's his world too.
9:40 Dr. John Delony? And man, there is an important, multiple important conversations to be had around. I'm worried about your health. I'm worried about your involvement here at home. And there's also a really important conversation to be said for, we're a year into this thing. And I've made your home really inhospitable, and I'm sorry. Because it's been about my way, my thing, I'm right, I'm this, I'm that. And I'm so, so sorry.
10:14 Dr. John Delony? Or let me give you another example. This morning, just today, this is fresh, right? I got into a, as heated of a discussion with my son as I've had in maybe years. About him leaving his clothes everywhere. He gets home from school, home from track, and he undoes his, he opens up his backpack, and there's just stuff everywhere. Okay? So we got into it this morning.
10:44 Dr. John Delony? And I don't know what it was about this particular morning. I'm working on a big project right now, and I have a room above my garage where I go write, and it's got all my hunting gear and all my guitars and all my stuff in there. I walked up the small half staircase into that room. And I just saw it for what it was. It's a crazy, disturbing mess. I have piles of clothes everywhere. I've got guitars laying all over the place. I haven't cleaned up after the last hunting season. I just got, like, I'm writing a book. I got books everywhere, papers everywhere. It's a mess. And I felt so ashamed, so much so that I wrote my son a long note that said,
11:27 Dr. John Delony? "I'm a hypocrite and I'm sorry. I've been challenging you on your cleanliness and your, you know, your like routines and here I am living like this. I'm sorry."
11:41 Dr. John Delony? And my solution with my son this morning was, "I have to make some changes around here and I want to invite you in to be a part of some of those changes."
11:53 Dr. John Delony? And that's the only path forward right now because I was not being a person of integrity because I was blaming him for stuff that I was participating in. And so you can't blame your husband for not sharing emotions if you're not a person you can share emotions with. You can't blame your husband for eating his feelings if that's the only place for him to go. And you can't blame him for coming from an obese family, but you can talk to him about, "Hey, I also have problems with my body. I just go the other way with it."
12:25 Dr. John Delony? And what does health look like for us? And what does togetherness look like for us? And what does connectivity with our kid look like? You get what I'm saying?
12:35 Speaker 00 Yeah.
12:37 Dr. John Delony? And part of that conversation will be, "I'm losing attraction to you and I'm going to own that." But if you, yeah, if you just come and drop that grenade on him,
12:47 Dr. John Delony? there's nowhere for that blast to go except inside his soul and spirit.
12:51 Speaker 00 Right.
12:52 Dr. John Delony? If it's a part of a larger context which says, "Hey, I've brought some really big challenges to this thing and I realize I've been pretty laser focused in what's my life look like and what is this is different and I didn't expect to get pregnant and now I've got this and I've got this," instead of, "Hey, we've got this and we get to decide what this looks like."
13:13 Speaker 00 Yeah.
13:14 Dr. John Delony? How does that resonate? Would that resonate as BS? Does that resonate as like, no, it makes-
13:17 Speaker 00 No.
13:17 Dr. John Delony? I feel it?
13:18 Speaker 00 That I'm impressed. Yeah, that's...
13:23 Speaker 00 I just didn't, um...
13:27 Speaker 00 I'm not trying to say like, oh, this is my fault, which it is probably my fault, but I just didn't see it that way, but it all is very accurate.
13:36 Dr. John Delony? Let's take fault off the table right now, okay? Because if we want to go down fault, it's his fault that he puts that food in his mouth, right? It is. That's a choice he makes every bite. And it's a fault that you judge him through a lens of his parents and through your lens of embarrassment. And I want to be seen with a guy that looks like this out and like, we can go down the fault thing. It's not helpful. Because fault ends up becoming, we're scorekeeping and I'm winning or I'm losing. Let's take fault off the table for a bit. And let's take, this is gonna sound so cheesy. I'm rolling my eyes at myself as I say this, but let's take co-creation.
14:22 Dr. John Delony? We've co-created a marriage in our first year where we were just surviving. And you survived by barking orders. And he survived by eating his feelings.
14:36 Dr. John Delony? Period. What if, and I know I just made that way simple. There's way more complexity to that. I know that. What if we co-created a world where we both feel healthy and happy and at peace?
14:53 Dr. John Delony? What does that look like? What do we want the house to feel like when we both walk in? What is sharing responsibilities and roles and new identities now? What does that look like? What does that feel like?
15:05 Dr. John Delony? What is a pattern that when he hears you ordering him around as though he's a seven-year-old kid, that he has a way to say, "Can you try that again?" Or "Could you say that in a different way?" And you don't go to war with him and you're like, "Yes, yes, because I'm going to change this pattern over time." You hear what I'm saying?
15:27 Speaker 00 Yeah, I do.
15:30 Dr. John Delony? But this isn't about, "I'm just going to take all the fault and woe is me." That's not what I'm saying. This is saying, "I'm going to go first and we've both tried to survive this first year and we did, we survived, we're still married, our kid's healthy, I love being a mom, awesome." I want us to knock down the tower that was our old marriage because it got built kind of wonky just out of the gate because we needed a lean-to shelter to live in during this first year, and let's build the thing we actually want. The one where we both have peace, when we both have laughter, where we have fitness, we take care of ourselves, we're good stewards of our bodies, where you can put your fears on the table and not say, "You're being like your dad," because that's never a good thing
16:15 Dr. John Delony? to say, "But hey, I'm worried about..." "I love you enough to tell you I'm concerned about your health. I want you to be here for her high school graduation." "I want her to have some hilarious memories of her dad rolling around on the floor with her, not sitting on a couch drinking a Diet Coke." And then being able to say, "Okay, what do you see in me? Where's my blind spots?" And the only way this works is if one of you goes first and you called, so I'm going to challenge you to go first, is to put on the table and say, "I'm sorry, I messed this up out of the gate. I was doing the best I could with what I had and now I'm asking,
16:59 Dr. John Delony? not for a do-over, but can we rebuild something new and amazing?" Let's start from there. Thanks for the call, sister. Your bravery is impressive and your ability to be reflective really quick is impressive as well. Thank you so, so, so much for the call. We come back, a woman asks how to face her fear of becoming a mom now that she is pregnant.
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20:18 Dr. John Delony? All right, let's go to Portland, Oregon and talk to Annie. Hey, Annie, what's up?
20:21 Speaker 02 Thanks. So I just have a quick question for you. How can I overcome and face my fears and anxieties about motherhood so that I can be a resilient and peaceful mom? And I'm currently 11 weeks and five days pregnant with our first kid.
20:38 Dr. John Delony? Oh, so you're you're right there, huh? Have you announced to your friends and family yet? Are you holding tight for a few more days?
20:44 Speaker 02 I know I did. I kind of regretted it. I should have probably waited, but I was just too excited. So, yeah, I told everyone.
20:53 Dr. John Delony? Hey, can I tell you, congratulations?
20:55 Speaker 02 Thank you. Yeah.
20:56 Dr. John Delony? Is that cool? Tell me your your relationship status.
21:00 Speaker 02 Oh, I'm married. Yeah, we've been married for four years.
21:03 Dr. John Delony? Okay, you like him?
21:04 Speaker 02 Oh, man. Yeah, he's amazing.
21:06 Dr. John Delony? Okay. All right. So whenever somebody tells me they have a fear about something, or they have anxiety about something, I always want to know as detailed as you could get. Okay, because fears and anxieties tend to be really, um, did you see Stranger Things?
21:27 Speaker 02 I can't.
21:29 Dr. John Delony? Okay, you don't like scary movies. Okay, so, okay, so it can be really shadowy, and kind of like ethereal. It's hard to wrap your head around, and it's hard to point a finger to it. And so one of the ways to disempower fear and anxieties is to be really specific about them.
21:48 Speaker 02 Okay.
21:49 Dr. John Delony? So what is it about being a mom? And I want to get to the place you want to be. What is it about this side of motherhood that makes you concerned that you're not going to be a peaceful mother?
22:03 Speaker 02 Yeah, um, I'm really scared that I'm not gonna be able to handle the responsibilities, the emotional, physical, mental taxation that women go through when they have a baby.
22:19 Dr. John Delony? Where does that, where does that fear originate? Have you failed yourself a number of times? Or is this part of the, the American mother guilt complex?
22:31 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah. I think it's probably both, but yeah, I have failed. I haven't failed myself, but there's been moments in my life that, that I've went through some pretty significant pain because of choices I've made.
22:48 Dr. John Delony? Tell me about that.
22:49 Speaker 02 Um, uh, yeah, so I guess when, um...
22:56 Dr. John Delony? Let me tell you this. I know this is, A, only tell me what you're comfortable telling, okay?
23:02 Speaker 02 Sure.
23:02 Dr. John Delony? And B, and be as vague as you feel like you need to be, okay?
23:06 Speaker 02 Okay.
23:06 Dr. John Delony? And B, I'm not just fishing, I'm actually going somewhere with this, okay?
23:09 Speaker 02 Yeah, no, I believe you.
23:11 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
23:11 Speaker 02 I just don't wanna give you too many details and waste your time, you know?
23:16 Dr. John Delony? Oh, you're not wasting my time. I'm honored that you're on the phone with me.
23:19 Speaker 02 Thanks. Um, okay, so, um, when I was really young, I made the choice to run away with a guy I barely knew, and that turned out to be a really horrible decision.
23:32 Dr. John Delony? Okay. How old were you?
23:34 Speaker 02 I had just turned eighteen.
23:36 Dr. John Delony? Okay. How old was he?
23:38 Speaker 02 Um, he was forty.
23:41 Dr. John Delony? Okay. And how long until you uncoupled from that?
23:46 Speaker 02 Last year.
23:48 Dr. John Delony? Oh, last year.
23:50 Speaker 02 Oh, wait, I'm sorry. What do you mean by that question?
23:53 Dr. John Delony? How, how long until y'all broke up and you found yourself kind of in the wasteland of being twenty-two or twenty-three or twenty-five?
23:59 Speaker 02 Oh, sure.
24:00 Dr. John Delony? Looking around?
24:01 Speaker 02 Um, no, it's actually a really cool story because it was two days later, I was in a different state than the state I grew up in, and I just had a crazy encounter with God.
24:11 Dr. John Delony? Okay, so it was two days later and you had a spiritual awakening?
24:14 Speaker 02 Yeah, it was crazy. God just totally saved me from it.
24:19 Dr. John Delony? And so you, you went home right after that?
24:21 Speaker 02 No, I stayed with my brother for a couple of months, and then I went back to my hometown.
24:28 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
24:30 Dr. John Delony? What was reentry into your hometown like?
24:35 Speaker 02 Yeah, it was really hard. And I went back to live with my parents again. And you know, they did the best that they could, but everything just picked up like normal. And I never really had time to process what had happened. And that eventually, I just, you know, I really just pushed things down and shoved them deep down inside. And then eventually that led me to like my next really big emotional breakdown of I was in the middle of nursing school a year and a half ago. And I had a bunch of triggers occur to me and had never dealt with panic and
25:19 Speaker 02 anxiety before. And I just totally lost it. And my body just started screaming at me.
25:25 Dr. John Delony? Yeah. How old are you now?
25:27 Speaker 02 I'm 29. Yeah.
25:28 Dr. John Delony? 29, okay.
25:34 Dr. John Delony? Tell me how your mom loved you, supported you, cared for you, walked alongside you.
25:43 Speaker 02 Um, I wasn't expecting that question. Sorry.
25:47 Dr. John Delony? Oh, you're okay.
25:49 Speaker 02 She showed me how to work really hard.
25:55 Dr. John Delony? That's the most compassionate, politically correct answer of all time. That was awesome.
26:02 Speaker 02 Yeah, I don't, I don't.
26:04 Dr. John Delony? I'm not asking you to bad mouth your mom, but I'm asking you to, if you were to objectively back out of the situation, and I know that's an almost impossible thing to do, right?
26:13 Speaker 02 Yeah.
26:14 Dr. John Delony? But if you were to imagine yourself watching your mother
26:21 Dr. John Delony? walk alongside you, if she did at all.
26:26 Speaker 02 Yeah.
26:27 Dr. John Delony? What would that look like?
26:33 Speaker 02 She, uh...
26:37 Dr. John Delony? Say it one more time?
26:38 Speaker 02 Oh, I'm sorry. I just, um, I'm having a hard time. She, she didn't.
26:44 Dr. John Delony? Okay. Okay. Just sit on that for a second.
26:49 Dr. John Delony? She did.
26:53 Speaker 02 Yeah, and I guess I just, I'm looking for a roadmap of how I can be better for my kid.
26:59 Dr. John Delony? There you go. How'd your dad walk alongside you?
27:05 Speaker 02 Yeah, my dad, um, I, he had a really severe and undiagnosed at the time PTSD and major depressive disorder and, uh...
27:15 Dr. John Delony? All right, tho- those are clinical terms. Tell me about the lived experience of nine-year-old you, a fourteen-year-old you, a seventeen-year-old you.
27:26 Speaker 02 Um...
27:27 Dr. John Delony? Anger, rage, volume?
27:30 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, like the only emotion I've, I ever saw was anger.
27:35 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
27:35 Speaker 02 And he wasn't abusive or anything like that, but he, um, just couldn't be there for me in the way that I needed.
27:43 Dr. John Delony? Okay, so, let me say this as clearly as I can, okay? Abuse does not require intent.
27:52 Dr. John Delony? And by the way, this is not to blow up your parents in any way. This is to give context to your body right now, okay?
27:58 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
27:59 Dr. John Delony? Abuse doesn't require intent.
28:03 Dr. John Delony? I can be abusive without meaning to be, okay? The second thing is, is trauma can happen as, as a thing that happens to you? Or a thing that should have happened to you that didn't?
28:18 Speaker 02 Hmm.
28:19 Dr. John Delony? Okay? And we often look back at our past and we're like, "Well, they didn't do this and they didn't do that."
28:27 Dr. John Delony? And we're, and we're thinking of physical abuse or sexual abuse. They never, like, "I never had to go to the hospital because they hit me so hard," or whatever.
28:36 Dr. John Delony? But we fail to look at the other side, which is,
28:40 Dr. John Delony? at eighteen, I found a father figure
28:44 Dr. John Delony? who at least cared enough to look me in the eyes.
28:51 Speaker 02 Yeah.
28:52 Dr. John Delony? Somebody finally told me I was beautiful.
28:58 Dr. John Delony? Right?
28:59 Speaker 02 Right.
29:03 Dr. John Delony? And so, when you, when you, when I said, "What are some ways you failed yourself?" Can you do me a huge favor?
29:10 Speaker 02 Yeah.
29:11 Dr. John Delony? Can you let 18-year-old you off the hook, finally?
29:15 Speaker 02 How do I do that?
29:17 Dr. John Delony? I want you to write her a letter tonight.
29:23 Dr. John Delony? And I want you to forgive her for being 18.
29:28 Dr. John Delony? And I want you to forgive her for trying to run away from a household where she felt completely alone and in charge of the adults' emotions in her home.
29:39 Speaker 02 Yeah.
29:40 Dr. John Delony? Forgive that poor girl.
29:47 Dr. John Delony? Because she's haunting you right now, and she's just trying to tell you, "Dude, I just tried to survive. I was trying to survive."
29:59 Speaker 02 Okay, I can do that.
30:01 Dr. John Delony? And here, here's what I'm, here's what I want to do, like to circle back and answer your full question. The first thing I want you to do is to be honest about what, consider, like, you may have heard me say this before, but consider you've got a backpack on, full of cinder blocks.
30:18 Dr. John Delony? How many of these cinder blocks? I don't have to work through them all, but how many of these cinder blocks can I at least acknowledge? How much weight am I carrying into this new season of my life?
30:33 Dr. John Delony? You have a lived experience of a mom
30:37 Dr. John Delony? who was at you, not with you.
30:42 Speaker 02 Yeah.
30:42 Dr. John Delony? Let's just, let's acknowledge that's in our backpack. It's heavy.
30:46 Speaker 02 Yeah, for sure.
30:47 Dr. John Delony? And let's stop blaming 29-year-old ourself for being tired, for having panic attacks, for we're in nursing school and we have to do something that's life or death, and we have that voice of our mom saying, "You screwed up. You didn't do this. I can't believe you didn't..." Like, let's give ourselves some grace.
31:07 Speaker 02 And I just write myself a letter?
31:12 Dr. John Delony? That's so great. We're gonna, we're gonna write 18-year-old self that letter. That's a different one. Okay?
31:18 Speaker 02 Okay.
31:18 Dr. John Delony? We're gonna write mom and dad a letter saying,
31:22 Dr. John Delony? "Here's what I'm grateful for.
31:25 Dr. John Delony? Here's what I'm real-- and, and this is part of, uh, what one therapist told me once, "We're gonna blame fairly."
31:31 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
31:32 Dr. John Delony? You know what I got, Mom? I got an incredible work ethic. You know what I got, Dad? I got an insanely compassionate
31:39 Dr. John Delony? way of helping people. It makes me an amazing nurse.
31:45 Dr. John Delony? Because I've been taking care of people since I was five.
31:50 Dr. John Delony? The next section is, "I should've never had to take care of you, because I was a kid."
31:55 Speaker 02 Yeah.
31:58 Dr. John Delony? And Mom, I know you were trying to survive inside your own marriage with a husband who was, had a whole bunch of untreated mental health issues,
32:05 Dr. John Delony? but it wasn't my job to carry that weight for you.
32:10 Speaker 02 Yeah.
32:12 Dr. John Delony? And then here's the important part of that last, the last part of that letter. The important part. "Here's who I'm gonna be now."
32:20 Dr. John Delony? And when we say things like, "I just wanna be a peaceful mom", that becomes a finish line of a race that never ends. Because you don't have a lived experience of what peace even feels like.
32:33 Dr. John Delony? And so, here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna put some really specific things down on paper. And I would advise you, the way you swooned over your husband, gross! But it sounds like he's a, he's, he is gonna walk alongside you as you transform your family tree. Is that fair?
32:53 Speaker 02 Oh yeah, for sure.
32:54 Dr. John Delony? Okay. So what if we co-created some things together?
33:01 Dr. John Delony? I want my daughter to know
33:06 Dr. John Delony? that no matter what, I'm in charge. And no matter what, I'll sit with her through her big feelings, or his big feelings. I want my son to know, no matter what,
33:19 Dr. John Delony? Mama loves him till the end of time.
33:21 Speaker 02 Yeah.
33:25 Dr. John Delony? And then as we go along and you find yourself getting impatient, we're gonna, we're gonna feel that and we're gonna get the help we need along the way.
33:36 Dr. John Delony? So let me say this, your fear, your anxiety, it's right. You're not crazy.
33:43 Speaker 02 Yeah.
33:44 Dr. John Delony? And the path through it is directly through it.
33:48 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
33:49 Dr. John Delony? Right? And the, the path through it is as clear as possible. And this is gonna sound nutty, as short of time horizons as possible.
34:00 Speaker 02 What does that mean?
34:02 Dr. John Delony? That means you have a picture of wanting to treat your son or daughter a certain way when they turn 18. That's two decades from now.
34:11 Speaker 02 Yeah.
34:12 Dr. John Delony? Let's do week three.
34:17 Speaker 02 Okay.
34:18 Dr. John Delony? Right? Your fear is right and your fear is good. And I'm like overwhelmed with how proud of you I am.
34:29 Dr. John Delony? The challenge you have before you is you're doing a lot of work to get well. You're doing a lot of work to be, to build a great marriage. And you're doing it with all these old cinder blocks still in your backpack.
34:41 Speaker 02 Yeah, I have to set them down.
34:43 Dr. John Delony? Yeah.
34:45 Dr. John Delony? And writing a letter is a start. That's not gonna be like some magic cure.
34:48 Speaker 02 Right.
34:49 Dr. John Delony? But it will slowly begin to distance yourself from that person that was just surviving.
34:55 Dr. John Delony? I've had to go back and write myself multiple letters in multiple years. Cause once I cleared 18 year old me, then all of a sudden 16 year old me popped up. And then 13 year old me, I've had to go back and let different versions of childhood me off the hook. Cause they were still fighting my daily battles as an adult. It's not their job.
35:15 Speaker 02 Yeah.
35:20 Speaker 02 Okay, I can do that.
35:22 Dr. John Delony? Game on.
35:23 Speaker 02 Game on.
35:24 Dr. John Delony? How do you face the fear of becoming a mom? Walk straight through it like you've done several other times. I'm so, dude, I'm so freaking proud of you and your husband, both of you. It's awesome. Right track, right track. Hey, it's been a high, high honor that, that I got to talk to you today. Thank you so, so much for the call. We come back, a woman asks how to support her husband through a big career change. It is fishing season and turkey season and my son and I are still using our Montana Knife Company knives all the time. Why? Because Montana Knife Company's rule. They're designed, tested, and built right here in the United States by real hunters,
36:06 Dr. John Delony? by real fishermen and women, and by great chefs. We get back home, my whole family, my wife, my son, even my daughter now, is using Montana Knife Company knives in the kitchen to prepare all the amazing food we catch. Why? Their knives are the best. They're razor sharp right out of the box. They're tough enough to be used every day. They're just amazing. But here's what really sells me. Montana Knife Company stands behind their work for life. When your knives need sharpening or if anything ever happens to need to be repaired, you just send them to Montana Knife Company and they'll take care of the rest. These are the kind of knives that your grandkids will fight over someday. Your wife will love them, you'll love them, your kids will use them.
36:50 Dr. John Delony? Listen, if you're looking for knives that are built to work and built to last, go to montanaknifecompany.com and see what's available right now. They're amazing. That's montanaknifecompany.com. All right, we're back. Hey, two seconds here. First, hit the subscribe button so associate producer Alex will stop waving that sign in front of my face and so your neighbors will get the help they need and...
37:18 Dr. John Delony? Go download the Together app. It's incredible. It is crushing right now. It's in the Apple App Store. Is that what they call it? The kids call it these days?
37:27 Speaker 03 The kids do call it these days. You can also go to the show notes below the description and
37:32 Dr. John Delony? Click on it.
37:33 Speaker 03 Click on that. That'd be great.
37:34 Dr. John Delony? Click on it in the show notes. Did you know I don't think I've ever looked at a show note in my life? I would not know.
37:39 Speaker 03 That doesn't shock me at all.
37:40 Dr. John Delony? I wouldn't know where to find a show note.
37:43 Speaker 03 You couldn't find a show note with a flashlight and a spotlight?
37:46 Dr. John Delony? And what's funny is I would look for it with a flashlight. Ah geez. Alright, let's go out to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and talk to Sarah with an H. What's up Sarah?
37:58 Speaker 04 Hello?
37:59 Dr. John Delony? What's going on? Thanks for hopping on here. How we doing?
38:02 Speaker 04 I'm pretty good. I'm very awkward, so I apologize in advance.
38:06 Dr. John Delony? Oh Sarah, there is no one more awkward on this call than me. I assure you, I assure you. We can be awkward together. It's good.
38:15 Speaker 04 Okay.
38:16 Dr. John Delony? So what's up?
38:17 Speaker 04 Um, so my husband is fairly certain, um, he's going, he's about to make a very large career change or job change. Um, I am hoping to look for ways to best support him in this change.
38:38 Dr. John Delony? So tell me about the change.
38:41 Speaker 04 Um, he is looking to, um, begin work with two family members, um, on like a, a business that they have.
38:57 Speaker 04 Yeah, so that's the
38:58 Dr. John Delony? Okay, let me, let me back out of this question. Um, are you in support of this career change or you do not like this career change?
39:07 Speaker 04 Um, I'm nervous about it.
39:08 Dr. John Delony? Tell me why you're nervous.
39:11 Speaker 04 Um, it'll be less money. Um, he recently just got an increase in pay where he is right now. Um, and it's kind of like half of that pay. Like I think it'll be doable, like we can do it, we'll be okay, but
39:31 Dr. John Delony? Why is he making this change?
39:32 Speaker 04 It's nice to actually, um, he's just doing the job of a lot of people at the moment and it's really stressful. Um,
39:40 Dr. John Delony? He's about to go to work with two family members. He's gonna be doing 50 jobs at once.
39:46 Speaker 04 He doesn't see it that way.
39:53 Dr. John Delony? It is a tall order for a spouse to be supportive of a husband. Again, this may make me unpopular to say it this bluntly, but hey, honey, I want to bring home half the income because I'm tired of working so hard.
40:11 Speaker 04 I feel that because I also don't want him miserable because then when he gets home, he is in a miserable mood. He has gotten better. He's the one that showed me your podcast and he'll be listening to this and laughing at how awkward I am.
40:28 Dr. John Delony? You're not being, you're not awkward at all. I, I guess I want to call out, I, I don't see a lot of successful job transitions, especially huge ones, where someone isn't going towards something, but they're running away from something.
40:44 Speaker 04 Right.
40:45 Dr. John Delony? And
40:45 Speaker 04 And where he's at now is trying to fix, like they're trying to hire someone else to lessen his load at work. But even like thinking about, you know, having to train that person for the next however long is a lot for him to process and like think about, kind of.
41:04 Dr. John Delony? Have you all sat down and made a real, honest budget with, hey, we're about to bring home half the income we've had?
41:13 Speaker 04 Um, well, the, the income is new, like his increase in income is new. Um, so it'd kind of be where we've been at. Um, but it's nice to like not have to worry so much about money. Like right now, we're at a spot where we can, you know, think about putting it toward the mortgage and because we're on baby steps four, five and six. Um, or, you know, having extra money to put aside and do things. Um, so that it's, it's kind of nice to have that little cushion, I guess.
41:47 Dr. John Delony? You keep minimizing what you're saying. Like it's kind of nice. It's, it's about half, like it's kind of half. I want you to begin to take full ownership of the feelings inside your chest.
42:02 Speaker 04 Besides just nervous?
42:04 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, because nervous is amorphous.
42:08 Speaker 04 Right.
42:09 Dr. John Delony? Like, I can be fully prepared Thursday night. I'm going out of town to do a headlining bit at a comedy club I've never been into, never walked into. I will be nervous.
42:22 Dr. John Delony? I speak to audiences all over the United States, all over the place. Big audiences, small audiences, all over. I have a full hour and probably 30 minutes of an act I can do.
42:37 Dr. John Delony? I'm fully prepared.
42:39 Speaker 04 Right.
42:39 Dr. John Delony? And I'll still be nervous. Nervous is just a physiological reaction. It's good, because that means there's a risk involved, right? That's cool. That's not...
42:48 Speaker 04 And I am hesitant.
42:50 Dr. John Delony? What you're feeling, yeah. Tell me more, you're hesitant. Tell me more of the feelings besides nervous.
42:57 Speaker 04 I've heard you talk a lot about like business with family members, and that was another part that I was hesitant about.
43:05 Dr. John Delony? Do you trust, would you let your family members, these particular family members, keep your kids?
43:14 Speaker 04 They're not like dangerous, I think.
43:16 Dr. John Delony? That's not what I said.
43:17 Speaker 04 Like our, you know...
43:18 Dr. John Delony? Would you want your kids around them a lot?
43:21 Speaker 04 Yeah.
43:22 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
43:22 Speaker 04 At least one of them.
43:24 Dr. John Delony? Okay, okay, so here's the thing.
43:26 Speaker 04 One of them, for sure.
43:27 Dr. John Delony? Y'all are creating a world, you're tilling the soil for a field of resentment.
43:38 Dr. John Delony? Because you'll have a lot of unspoken things going on.
43:43 Dr. John Delony? And so, when I left my 20-year career as a senior leader at universities to become a podcaster and a YouTuber, for God's sakes,
43:58 Dr. John Delony? my wife was very nervous about that. I'll go further to say she was uncomfortable with it.
44:05 Speaker 04 Mm hmm.
44:06 Dr. John Delony? And so we walked through, our finances changed pretty dramatically, especially early on. Now they've changed completely the other way. But early on, there was a path here of nerve of, of, I'm uncomfortable with this. I'm uncomfortable with this. And most of her discomfort was, John, you're an introvert. John, I see you when people say, I hate you or you're an idiot and it melts you. And you're walking into an ecosystem where that's where a lot of people are going to throw grenades at you.
44:34 Speaker 04 Right.
44:34 Dr. John Delony? Right? And she knows I like to take time with people and I'm overly compassionate. And the ecosystem that I live in rewards really quick, sensational points that lack nuance. Right? Like all that stuff. She was like, you're walking into a new room where I'm uncomfortable for you.
44:55 Dr. John Delony? And we had to sit down and be pragmatic about a budget.
45:00 Dr. John Delony? And we had to find a place to live because I lived in university house. Like we had all these very practical things to sit down and discuss. And it didn't make the conversations easy, but it did give us a plan.
45:13 Speaker 04 Right.
45:13 Dr. John Delony? Right? And so what you're doing with a plan, Arthur Brooks talks about this so well. You're taking away the uncertainty. There's still a risk. This whole thing could fall, but I'm going to take uncertainty off the table.
45:25 Dr. John Delony? And so as much as I possibly can, uncertainty will make you crazy. Risk is exciting, but risk shouldn't end you.
45:35 Speaker 04 Right.
45:36 Dr. John Delony? And so if you're honestly, if you, in your guts, if you think to your husband, I'm afraid you're going to take this job and in four months, you're going to realize you went with you and you're going to come home grumpy for that job, just at half the salary.
45:50 Speaker 04 Yeah.
45:50 Dr. John Delony? Or you think you're going to go work less? You're not. And if this business works, y'all are going to all be working way more.
45:57 Speaker 04 Right.
45:58 Dr. John Delony? And is there
45:59 Speaker 04 Yes, and it's kind of not, um, not as big at the moment. Um, but I also pose like, what if they go bankrupt? But that's the part that excites my husband because he is looking to go in and like, help them make it better, which we were at the marriage retreat, um, and the career one, the job one, I asked him, like, what, what are you hoping to do? Who are you hoping to help? Um, and he said, like, that's, that's the part that excites him is having, being able to help people.
46:36 Dr. John Delony? Okay. Is his family members that he's gonna go work for and with, are they gonna allow him to come in and transform their business?
46:44 Speaker 04 I'm sorry, what was that?
46:46 Dr. John Delony? His family members that he's coming to join forces with, are they gonna allow him to walk in and transform the business?
46:53 Speaker 04 Um, I'm not positive. He said, it sounds like one, you know, one definitely is all for, you know, being able to change and stuff. The second one, I'm just not sure, you know?
47:06 Dr. John Delony? Okay. I want you to be able to, like, let me say it this way, in a healthy marriage, a one where you see and know him and you celebrate him regularly, he knows he's loved. Then I want you to say, I wanna have a, I wanna put a bunch of challenges on the table. My fears about you making this transition and I want to work through them, are you in?
47:27 Speaker 04 Okay.
47:28 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
47:30 Dr. John Delony? And I want you to be able to get all of your questions and concerns answered. And some of those are gonna be very tactical. Are we willing to postpone paying our house off? Are we willing to postpone funding the kids' college fund because you're tired at work?
47:49 Speaker 04 Right.
47:50 Dr. John Delony? Right?
47:51 Speaker 04 Yeah.
47:51 Dr. John Delony? Am I going to struggle with respecting you because you're working, you think you work too much and that makes you in a bad mood? Or are you in an abusive work situation? Where they're just taking advantage of you and beating you over the head with a stick? And I want you to get out, I don't care what it costs us.
48:10 Speaker 04 Right.
48:10 Dr. John Delony? And I've had a-
48:10 Speaker 04 He does love his boss.
48:12 Dr. John Delony? I had a situation like that with my wife where she's like, I don't care what it's gonna cost us, get out of that place you're working. I've had that too. She was going to, she was going to defend me the other way.
48:21 Speaker 04 Right.
48:22 Dr. John Delony? But I want you, here's the thing, I want you to be clear about what your concerns and fears are, and I want you to set up a conversation with him where y'all can work through those.
48:30 Speaker 04 Okay.
48:32 Dr. John Delony? Cause either y'all will get clarity on what does success look like in this job? How long are we gonna tolerate making half the money?
48:41 Dr. John Delony? Is there, is this job gonna grow us somewhere? Are we gonna aim for someplace? Or are we resettling our entire life, which by the way, isn't bad either. We are resettling our entire life because we're gonna shift our priorities now. We're gonna consciously become a Corolla family.
48:58 Dr. John Delony? And we are consciously going to be renters, are consciously gonna live in a very small house and have our mortgage out because we value peace in these other parts of our life. If that is, great, that's amazing. But I want everybody on the same page with that. Because if you still wanna live a Tahoe life and he is making a shift to a Corolla life, y'all are gonna go to war together. You're gonna resent each other.
49:18 Speaker 04 Right.
49:20 Dr. John Delony? And if he comes up, the first day he comes home and complains about something,
49:26 Dr. John Delony? you're gonna, man, you're gonna come unglued. Because that's the reason we took half the income, because you said, right? You're gonna, it's gonna be you said and I told you and we never, it's gonna end up in that wild, um, keeping score type language. You get what I'm saying?
49:44 Speaker 04 Right.
49:47 Dr. John Delony? And so let's put all of this stuff on the table because you what you've also told me is he loves his boss.
49:52 Speaker 04 Yeah.
49:52 Dr. John Delony? They're about to hire somebody and it's gonna suck for a season while he has to train them, but man, it could clear up the whole deck for everybody.
49:59 Speaker 04 Right.
50:00 Dr. John Delony? Right?
50:02 Dr. John Delony? Versus he's gonna come in, he's got one person he really trusts, one person's a wild card, he's gonna make half the money, hope it works out. Right, maybe. And so it's just putting all that on the table. That doesn't mean don't do it. I just want both of y'all clear as to what we're doing. And the best way you can support him through this is by being honest and open. And then when you agree to something, when y'all spit shake and shake hands and high five and say, okay, till death do us part, we're in on staying. And here's what needs to change around our home, here's what needs to change around our life, or we're gonna make this big shift together.
50:36 Dr. John Delony? I'm not gonna throw this in your face if it doesn't work. I'm gonna say, no, no, I was fully in on this too, and we're gonna make a run at it this way. And then we're gonna have markers along the way that say, hey, it's time for us to get out of this race and go find something else.
50:49 Speaker 04 Okay.
50:50 Dr. John Delony? We're just looking for clarity.
50:55 Dr. John Delony? And clarity requires often radical honesty.
51:03 Dr. John Delony? Does that make you nervous?
51:06 Speaker 04 A little bit.
51:06 Dr. John Delony? Okay. Cause he can't hear it or because he's gonna throw it in your face or what? Why does that make you nervous?
51:13 Speaker 04 Um, I'm just not very good with confront, you know, confrontational talks or like any kind of talks like that. My brain kinda just shuts down.
51:22 Dr. John Delony? Okay. Um, my challenge to you is, is to write it down.
51:27 Speaker 04 Okay.
51:28 Dr. John Delony? I do the same. I get all jumbled up when I get emotional about something. So I've learned over the years, I write it all down.
51:36 Speaker 04 Okay.
51:42 Dr. John Delony? And can I challenge you with one more thing?
51:45 Speaker 04 Mm-hmm.
51:45 Dr. John Delony? You started this call by saying how awkward you are. You're not awkward at all. Zero.
51:51 Speaker 04 Wow.
51:51 Dr. John Delony? You've talked about, you've, you've mentioned several ways in which you're quote unquote deficient.
51:58 Dr. John Delony? I haven't experienced that one little bit.
52:01 Speaker 04 Well, that's good.
52:02 Dr. John Delony? And so I want you to change some of your internal language towards, I'm a ride or die spouse.
52:11 Dr. John Delony? I'm a supportive wife and I'm also, I love my husband enough to challenge him before he makes a mistake. Or so that I can be fully both feet in the boat and we're both going to row like crazy towards this new direction.
52:24 Speaker 04 Okay.
52:25 Dr. John Delony? Okay. But that is not you walking around with your head down like, I'm awkward, I'm weird, I get jumbled up. It is, yeah, I say the wrong thing sometimes, big deal, I get overwhelmed, cool, I wrote it down. We're heading in, I'm, I'm right here, I'm right next to you. You and me versus the world, homie.
52:42 Dr. John Delony? You get what I'm saying?
52:44 Speaker 04 Yeah.
52:48 Dr. John Delony? Is this helpful at all? I don't feel like I was helpful one bit.
52:52 Speaker 04 Um, yeah, yeah, that was helpful.
52:55 Dr. John Delony? Are you going to do any of what I said? Probably not.
52:57 Speaker 04 Yeah. I was just anxious to write things down.
53:02 Dr. John Delony? All right, good. Let, how about this? Let me know how this conversation goes and if your husband wants to be on the show, I'd love to talk to him about it.
53:11 Dr. John Delony? I always want somebody on a big career change to go towards something, not away from something, unless they just have to. Because it's super abusive, because it is unmanageable, because it is taking advantage of you, taking your soul from you.
53:27 Dr. John Delony? But sometimes working a lot is the season we're in. Sometimes working two or three people's jobs is the season we're in because we have a family to support and it is what it is. And we have to be honest with our spouse about, okay, this is something we can't change right this season. Or we're not willing to change this season, or we're not going to change this season. So what can we create here at home?
53:51 Dr. John Delony? So that I walk in and we both smile because I'm home. Thanks for call, sister. We'll be right back.
53:59 Dr. John Delony? Finally, winter is over and spring is here. And that means it's time to rotate the old closet. The Poncho flannels and denims are going to the back of the closet. And the Poncho originals and ultralights are moving forward. That's right. No matter what time of year it is, I'm still wearing my Poncho shirts. I've been wearing them for years. Why? Because they rule. They're the best. The original is that go anywhere performance shirt. It's lightweight, it's breathable, it's quick drying, and it's built for every part of your life. And the ultralight has that same great fit with an even lighter feel. That's why they call it the ultralight. And when it's hot like it gets here in Tennessee, how light a shirt is matters.
54:43 Dr. John Delony? Poncho shirts also have great stretch. They move with you, not against you. They're light, they're soft, and somehow, I don't know how they pulled this off, they're super, super durable and tough. And they look sharp enough to even wear to dinner, and they're comfortable enough to wear all day. If warmer weather has you ready to reshuffle your closet, I want you to go to ponchooutdoors.com/deloney and check out all of their styles. Get $10 off your first purchase, just sign up with your email. That's ponchooutdoors.com/deloney.
55:18 Dr. John Delony? Kelly rocking the super, super, super deep V again. What's up? All right, something cool happened. What is it?
55:23 Speaker 03 Yes, so this is from Levi.
55:25 Dr. John Delony? I like how you don't even respond anymore.
55:28 Dr. John Delony? You know contempt is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. And eye rolling is a key feature of contempt.
55:37 Speaker 03 Well, I'll let you read into that what you wish.
55:42 Dr. John Delony? Behavior is a language, Kelly. All right, go ahead.
55:44 Speaker 03 Yes, it is. All right. Levi in Lynchburg writes, "I was at the Valentine's Weekend Money and Marriage Getaway in 2025. I told everyone about how I betrayed my wife, my family, but specifically my wife by having an affair. I was struggling with trying to figure out how to be a good man again for her and for our son. You and the other personalities and everyone else at the getaway was very supportive and encouraged me to just keep doing the next right thing. As of today, my 30th birthday, I am 607 days sober and want to thank you and Rachel and everyone else for their continued part in my healing and in my family. From the deepest, deepest part of my heart on behalf of my family, thank you."
56:29 Dr. John Delony? Dude, that's awesome. Shout out to our brother here for staying sober and for rebuilding his marriage one brick at a time. That's awesome. Well played, my man. Love you guys. Hey, thanks for listening. See you next time on the Dr. John Deloney Show.
Previous My Wife Had an Affair While I Was in Recovery Next My Husband Has Zero Interest in Sex Page updated October 30, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated