The SECRET to Finding Your Purpose EP 1451

The Summit of Greatness is back! Buy your tickets today – summitofgreatness.comBozoma Saint John shares her personal journey of navigating and growing from the loss of her husband, providing powerful insights into loving someone with terminal cancer. You can expect to gain valuable insights on prioritizing their lives and finding satisfaction in everyday experiences. Jay Shetty highlights the significance of aligning our actions with our values and using our talents to make a positive impact on the world. He explores the idea that purpose is not necessarily found outside of ourselves, but rather within us, waiting to be discovered and cultivated. Lisa Bilyeu delves into the significance of embracing failure and learning from setbacks as integral parts of the purpose-seeking journey. With her authentic storytelling and practical advice, Lisa Bilyeu inspires and empowers listeners to embark on a purpose-driven path, living a life of fulfillment and impact. Emmanuel Acho emphasizes the importance of stepping outside the boxes that society has built around us and constantly evolving into the best version of ourselves. Ultimately, greatness is defined as becoming our best selves and continually striving for personal growth and self-improvement. In this episode you will learn,How to prioritize your life. Why you should seek satisfaction in your everyday life. Why so many of us don’t feel worthy of love, and how to change that limiting mindset. How to increase your inner confidence. How to confront and overcome failure. For more information go to www.lewishowes.com/1451Bozoma’s full episode: https://link.chtbl.com/1397-guestJay’s full episode: https://link.chtbl.com/1417-guestLisa’s full episode: https://link.chtbl.com/1265-guestEmmanuel’s full episode: https://link.chtbl.com/1265-guest Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Lewis Howes?

  Calling all conscious achievers who are seeking more community and connection. I've got an invitation for you. Join me at this year's Summit of Greatness this September 7th through 9th in my hometown of Columbus, Ohio to unleash your true greatness. This is the one time a year that I gather the greatness community together in person for a powerful transformative weekend. People come from all over the world and you can expect to hear from inspiring speakers like Inky Johnson, Josprey Singh, Vanessa Van Edwards, Jen Sanchero, and many more. You'll also be able to dance your heart out to live music, get your body moving with group workouts, and connect with others at our evening socials.

• 0:44Lewis Howes?

  So if you're ready to learn, heal, and grow alongside other incredible individuals in the greatness community, then you can learn more at lewishouse.com/summit2023. Make sure to grab your ticket, invite your friends, and I'll see you there.

• 1:01Speaker 01

  You should be satisfied. You should wake up feeling satisfied with your life. It doesn't mean that you don't want the next thing. Of course you want the next thing. If life were to end today, would you want to have lived an unsatisfied life?

• 1:13Lewis Howes?

  Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

• 1:37Lewis Howes?

  Welcome to this special masterclass. We've brought some of the top experts in the world to help you unlock the power of your life through this specific theme today. It's going to be powerful, so let's go ahead and dive in.

• 1:54Lewis Howes?

  What are your thoughts on the idea of never be satisfied?

• 1:57Speaker 01

  You know what, I understand why somebody would say that. You know, like, you should always be hungry. Like, you should always be chasing, that's a good motivator, you know, to get the next thing, so that you wake up and you wanna go get it. But that's a terrible way to live. It's like, completely, I vehemently disagree with the concept that you should never be satisfied. You know, it's like, you should, you should be satisfied. You should be satisfied. You should wake up feeling satisfied with your life. It doesn't mean that you don't want the next thing. Of course you want the next thing. But like, if, if life were to end today, would you want to have lived an unsatisfied life? Would you want, like, like, I think, I really do think of Peter at that, at those last days.

• 2:43Speaker 01

  You know, and think about all the things that he was unsatisfied about. I don't want that for myself. I don't want that for you. I don't think any of us should live that way. So be satisfied. You know, and that doesn't mean lesser than.

• 2:59Lewis Howes?

  Be satisfied even if you're just starting out as an assistant getting coffee? If you're the CEO, if you're anywhere in between, if you're in an off-season?

• 3:06Speaker 01

  Yes. Be satisfied. Be satisfied with like, how wonderful you have it. You know, even the least of us, even the people who are like, you know, in this terrible place, like I said, like, we can be satisfied. Like, the day after Peter died,

• 3:27Speaker 01

  actually, no. It was, it was a few days later because we were having his funeral. He died on December 11th, 2013. It was four days before his 44th birthday. And so on his 44th birthday, December 15th, we had his funeral and made it a party. And I was sitting there and, you know, kind of in a haze, but then also, you know, that moment of clarity, where I'm looking around the room and like, his fraternity brothers are drinking beers and they're sharing stories about him and, you know, my daughter's like, sleeping on my mom's lap and I've got my sisters like, in the corner, trying to busy themselves, you know, like, getting out plates of food and whatnot and see people connecting. And it was the oddest thought.

• 4:10Speaker 01

  You know, I looked around and I was just like, wow, like... This is a good, this is a good group of people. You know, this is a, this is a great place to be, to have this. And so I was satisfied in that moment. The most terrible thing had happened in my life. But I was looking around and feeling very satisfied with who I had around me. And that, I think, is what I would like for all of us to consider. That even when things are bad and going wrong, you can still be satisfied. You can still feel like, ah, this is, this is it, and it is okay. Yeah, it's okay.

• 4:53Lewis Howes?

  I'm a big fan of the, the title of the book, The Urgent Life.

• 4:58Lewis Howes?

  And when I saw this, I was just thinking to myself, yes, right away, because we have like similar,

• 5:05Lewis Howes?

  completely different experiences, but similar feelings probably from experiences we've had. So my father went, got in an accident. He had a traumatic brain injury and was in a coma for three months when I was 21. And I remember he, we didn't know if he was gonna live or die, but he eventually woke up after three months. And he was a completely different person. Like he was physically alive, but emotionally and mentally kind of gone. Took him a while to like learn how to talk again. He wasn't able to work anymore. He had amnesia, so when I'd see him, like, who, what's your name again? It was just a different type of relationship, right?

• 5:45Lewis Howes?

  I had to learn to love my father for who he was and start to grieve the man that he once was before, right? And I remember thinking, he was in his early 50s when this happened. He had worked so hard for 30 years to, as a life insurance salesman, where he finally was starting to make money, where he could like travel and have some freedom in his life. And he was starting to feel like he was happy for the first time, fully happy. And then this accident happened. And I remember being really angry at life that my dad didn't get to go live the rest of his life the way he wanted to. And I felt like I had so much urgency to go pursue everything I wanted. Like from that moment on.

• 6:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:28Lewis Howes?

  I was like, I'm not gonna let any fear or insecurity hold me back. It might still be there, but I'm at least gonna take the actions on my goals, my dreams, and live urgently because what if this happens to me? What if I get in a car accident tomorrow?

• 6:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:42Lewis Howes?

  And something like that happens to me, I'd be sad that I didn't at least go try. And this, you know, again, completely different experience you had, but it created a feeling of urgency in your life with your ex-husband, right? With your husband?

• 6:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:56Lewis Howes?

  And, um, which was almost ten years ago?

• 6:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:00Lewis Howes?

  Is that right?

• 7:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, ten years, this December.

• 7:02Lewis Howes?

  And can you explain the story about what had happened with your husband around wanting to get divorced and then

• 7:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:09Lewis Howes?

  cancer situation? And how this, how being in a very dark, sad, challenging time, sad time,

• 7:19Lewis Howes?

  wanted you to create urgency at the same time?

• 7:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:21Lewis Howes?

  And, and living to your best self?

• 7:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:24Lewis Howes?

  During sadness? Can you explain a little bit about that?

• 7:26Speaker 01

  Oh, well, first of all, I, um, I really appreciate what you just said and shared about your dad, you know? Because, um, I feel that for all of us who are living this life on this like hurdling rock that we call home, um, we don't always have to have had the same experience

• 7:44Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 7:45Speaker 01

  to understand essentially the concept of what I'm talking about.

• 7:48Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 7:49Speaker 01

  You know, this need for urgency. And it's not necessarily about the rush through life, it's about the intention.

• 7:56Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 7:57Speaker 01

  You know, knowing like you said, like, you know, I wanna do these things because what if? So then you're intentional about saying, okay, I wanna live a big life, or I wanna go do this thing that I'm dreaming of, or I wanna push a little harder because like what if, right? And the same thing for me in that like I don't think of the end of life in this morbid way where I'm just like, oh, today might be my last day. I don't think of it in a morbid way. It's very inspiring to me, actually. It makes me wanna get up and go do the thing. You know, and again, it's not about a rush, it's like I wanna, I wanna make the best use of my time that I have. I don't know how long it is, but I wanna make the best use of it. And I'm also conscious of the fact that I won't do everything.

• 8:37Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 8:38Speaker 01

  And so that means that I have to be very intentional about the things I choose to do. You know?

• 8:43Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 8:43Speaker 01

  Because if you walk around thinking like, oh, I have the time, I'll just do everything at some point. Then maybe you don't get to do anything at all. So I'm intentional in knowing that like, oh, okay, I might not get a chance to complete everything. So what's the most important thing? And then I want to do those things. And so at the time in December of 2013, when Peter passed away, we were, we were there. You know, where, you know, your, the, the stories are true. You're sitting at the deathbed. And you're talking about all the things you wish you'd done.

• 9:15Lewis Howes?

  Is that what he was saying?

• 9:16Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. We talked about so much. The things he wanted to do, his hopes and dreams, what he wants for Leil, our daughter. Like what he wanted for her in the future. You know, all of those things. And I was sitting there listening and thinking and crying and making promises and all of the things. And knowing that I need to change the way I live. You know, he wouldn't, he wouldn't have a chance to do it over. So I need to do it. You know? And it was such a dark time also because we were already going through so much on top of being at death's door. You know, that like our marriage had fallen apart.

• 9:59Speaker 01

  We had been separated for a couple of years already. Through so much, gosh, additional traumas that happened to us. Misunderstandings, anger. You know, that we couldn't overcome with just love. You know?

• 10:15Lewis Howes?

  Unmet expectations, everything, yeah.

• 10:17Speaker 01

  Oh, man. You think love conquers everything and no, it does not.

• 10:21Lewis Howes?

  Love is not enough.

• 10:21Speaker 01

  Love is not enough. You know, love is not enough. And it, it was all of that turmoil

• 10:29Speaker 01

  that led us to that moment where I am sitting, holding his hand. At his breath gets shallower and shallower. You know, and, and thinking about all the things I would have done differently. If I had a shot to do it again. You know? It's not necessarily that like, oh, I wish life had turned out differently. It's just that I wish I had.

• 10:54Speaker 01

  Been motivated differently.

• 10:56Lewis Howes?

  What were you motivated by before then?

• 10:58Speaker 01

  Oh, man. I think at that time, I was motivated by

• 11:04Speaker 01

  just my own need for my own life. You know, not really focus on anybody else's. And that's, that sounds very selfish, but that's where I was. You know, it was, it was not, I was a mother and a wife. I was so only focused on myself.

• 11:22Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 11:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:23Lewis Howes?

  At that time?

• 11:24Speaker 01

  Yeah. I mean, it's like, you know, there was so much that had happened on my path to motherhood. And it's another one of the things that like, you know, now I talk about so openly because we also paint motherhood like it's supposed to be like this great, amazing thing that like, oh, you get pregnant and all of a sudden it's like, oh, all this love shows up from nowhere and you're just like encapsulated by this person. It's like, no, that, that actually doesn't happen all of the time. You know?

• 11:50Lewis Howes?

  Moments of that might happen.

• 11:51Speaker 01

  Moments of that might happen.

• 11:52Lewis Howes?

  Majority of the time is probably like cleaning diapers and feeding and pumping and all the things a mom's up to do.

• 11:57Speaker 01

  And sitting there and being like, oh, hell, I made a mistake. This, this is not what I wanted in my life, you know? And struggling with that. And there were so many times where I thought about that. You know, it's like, wow, like, you know, is, is, is this life what I actually wanted? And so then at that moment in December of 2013, I was like, oh no, I have to make the life that I want. I have to make it. I have to be an active participant.

• 12:23Lewis Howes?

  What was the biggest lesson during that time you feel like you learned

• 12:28Lewis Howes?

  about his regrets or about him not doing the things that he wanted to do? What opened up for you during that time? That shifted, if, if anything did shift for you in that?

• 12:40Speaker 01

  This might sound funny, but I think logic is what surprised me most. The logic of things. The writing down. It's like, almost like the writing down of the plan. Things that make sense. Cause you're like, oh, I'm gonna do this, these things and I'm logically gonna take these steps in order to get to that thing, right? And all of his regrets. Everything that he wanted to do that he didn't get a chance to do was based on the logic of the steps to get to that thing that he never got to.

• 13:07Lewis Howes?

  Like just scheduling it in the calendar or like booking the trip.

• 13:10Speaker 01

  Making the to-do list and then yeah. And then it's like, oh, I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna do that and then all based on logic. Life is not made of logic. Life is magic. It's the accidental encounters. It's the things that you can't explain. The feeling that you get in your belly that makes you feel alive and glittery. Or it makes you super sad or you don't wanna get out of bed and the sky just looks gray. And then maybe one thing happens, you're like, oh, okay, I can do it. You know, that's, that's life. And being open to that is actually what gives you the experiences. So therefore, when perhaps you don't accomplish everything that was on your plan, you still feel really happy about the things that you did do. Cause it was also magical.

• 13:50Speaker 01

  You know, and I'm not talking about like these big firework things. I'm talking about the little stuff too. You know, the new person that you meet on the way to somewhere. You know, or like the like meal that you had that you didn't think was gonna be delicious, that you just really savored.

• 14:08Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 14:08Speaker 01

  I was like, it was just magically amazing, you know? And just being appreciative of those moments. So again, it's like the life is not just about like the big, big, big stuff. It's not the headlines. You know, so to me, it's like logic is what I then threw out the window.

• 14:25Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 14:26Speaker 01

  It's like, oh, I'm not gonna live a logical life. I'm gonna live a magical life. The kind that is open to all of the things I can't explain. You know, that like the writing down of the list and the making the steps.

• 14:39Speaker 01

  You know, and I'm not saying that you walk around just like, huh, da-da-da-da, whatever happens today is what happens, you know, like, look, we all gotta be responsible adults, okay? But the truth of the matter is that like, how many of our plans have been stopped because of logic? The things that you said like, ah, well, shoot, I can't do that because of this reason, that reason, and that reason. And sometimes it's other people's logic that actually stops you from doing the things you wanna do. And so I wanna stop that. I've been active in being like, every time I approach a new ambition, or a new idea, or like, oh, I wanna take a trip here, and that logic starts to come in. I'm like, girl, where's that magic? You better just step out and let the magic find you.

• 15:18Lewis Howes?

  Ooh, yeah.

• 15:19Speaker 01

  You know, and not stop yourself because the math is mathing.

• 15:23Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 15:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:24Lewis Howes?

  It doesn't make sense logically.

• 15:26Speaker 01

  Nah, it doesn't make sense logically.

• 15:27Lewis Howes?

  Allow wonder and synchronicity to enter your life.

• 15:30Speaker 01

  Yes, to happen. Because I can't tell you how many things have happened in my life that don't make sense.

• 15:36Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 15:37Speaker 01

  The fact that I've had the career I've had doesn't make sense. It's not logical. There's no stat. Even when you look at things like, oh, you know how many black women CMOs have had jobs, you know, for like Fortune 50 companies? There's no math. There's no data point.

• 15:54Lewis Howes?

  No one.

• 15:54Speaker 01

  Because it doesn't exist.

• 15:55Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 15:56Speaker 01

  But I exist. So can you explain that? Can I? So opening yourself up to like these things is what actually creates your destiny to like run the way that it should, you know? I'll give you one example. When Peter died in December of 2013, I was at PepsiCo. I'd been there for 10 years.

• 16:17Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 16:18Speaker 01

  It was a great job. You know, I'd done many iterations of things, and at that time, I was the head of music and entertainment marketing. And so I had been part of the team that did a deal with the NFL for the Super Bowl halftime show. I put Beyonce on that stage. Like, it was like, you know, it was huge. Having a great, exciting career. And then Peter died. And I looked around and I was like, man, I, you know. I think I want to do more things, you know? Am I going to sit here for another ten years in New York City like doing this? Or have I had enough of this? And as I formulated that thought, I went to, uh, I think it was NBA All-Star or something like that. And I met somebody that I knew very, you know, lightly,

• 17:04Speaker 01

  um, who told me that Jimmy Ivy and Dr. Dre had started their company Beats Music off of the back of Beats by Dre. And that they were looking for a head of marketing. Would I be interested? And the job was in L.A. My husband had been dead maybe two months. I had a four-year-old child that I was trying to figure out how to raise by myself. You know, like, all these things. And so logic would tell you that, no, sit your [BLEEP] down. You know what I mean? Like, sit waste your life. Figure out how to be a widow and a single mom and the main breadwinner. Like, figure that stuff out. Calm down. Get some therapy. You know, just like, sit and be quiet for a second. Grieve. Let a year go by and then figure out what you want to do.

• 17:46Speaker 01

  But instead, I was like, hmm, it really doesn't make any sense for me to leave Pepsi, a long-established company,

• 17:55Speaker 01

  and go to Beats Music where it's barely a company.

• 17:59Lewis Howes?

  Some new thing, yeah.

• 18:00Speaker 01

  I didn't know what music streaming was. I had no idea what [BLEEP] that was. No idea. And, but, I came and came to L.A. and took a meeting with Jimmy and he was talking about stuff that I had no idea about. And when I resigned from PepsiCo to take the job, everybody told me it was a bad idea. It was when I tell you there was not one person who supported it. Not even my mother.

• 18:24Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 18:25Speaker 01

  No one. Everybody thought I'd lost my mind. People thought I was acting out of grief. Maybe I was. You know, but the magic was that that opportunity opened up the next ten years of my life.

• 18:37Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 18:38Speaker 01

  It was the magic, the spark that I needed.

• 18:43Lewis Howes?

  Where do you see yourself growing to the next level?

• 18:46Jay Shetty?

  I think that when I started this journey in my life of trying to make wisdom go viral and to share ideas and help people train their mind for peace and purpose every day, there was a certain speed and pace that allowed me to figure out what I needed to do every 12 months. And now I feel like I'm moving away from thinking about the next 12 months to thinking about the next 12 years and thinking about the next 20 years and thinking about the next 30 years. And so I feel like I'm at an evolution and growth in my own life where a change of pace will be what I'm looking for. Because I found that up until now, I felt like I had to do lots of little things all the time

• 19:30Jay Shetty?

  to be able to establish what I'm doing today. And now I realize it's actually going to take fewer bigger things that you can only get to if you've done this step before. But now I realize that that's what it's going to take and so...

• 19:43Lewis Howes?

  And what about the, you know, you've been studying this for the last few years and teaching deeper insights on love, practicing it, writing about it, speaking about it on stage, in podcasts, things like that. Where do you see yourself growing in love with friends, family, your marriage, and with yourself moving forward after this work?

• 20:09Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, so what I found was, as I was doing this work, I realized that often the blocks to love are not because you don't have the deep intention to love people, but it's that you are putting yourself under so much stress and pressure that you're too agitated and irritated to be present and actually share love. So I saw this study that talked about how you think you don't wake up early the next morning even though you wanted to because you're bad at waking up early. But the truth is, it's because you're actually experiencing stress. And when you're experiencing stress, you can't implement a new habit. And so reducing stress allows you to be the person you want to be.

• 20:51Jay Shetty?

  If you think about, when you say something you don't want to say... It's because you're irritated.

• 20:57Lewis Howes?

  Reactive.

• 20:58Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, when you do something you don't wanna do, it's because you're stressed. When you react to someone in a way that you don't think is yourself, it's because you're agitated. So we act in unloving ways because we are putting ourselves under stress, irritation, agitation, or pressure. And so for me, what I've realized, that if I wanna be my best loving self and be present with each and every person and be conscious of that energy, I have to learn to not put myself under so much stress that I can't be present.

• 21:31Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 21:31Jay Shetty?

  So that's been a big lesson of love, that you can't love while you're putting yourself under stress or pressure in any way.

• 21:39Lewis Howes?

  And it goes back to your kind of theme about peace and purpose every day. I don't think you can fully give your authentic heart without being peace.

• 21:48Jay Shetty?

  Yes.

• 21:49Lewis Howes?

  Without being in a state of peace, and I understand life happens and stresses happen, but creating a baseline going back to peace so you can be present.

• 21:57Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 21:58Lewis Howes?

  When we're not in peace, when we're stressed, you're in scarcity mode, you're in fight or flight, you're not present with your friends or family, your loved ones, or just acquaintances, you're reactive.

• 22:08Jay Shetty?

  Totally.

• 22:09Lewis Howes?

  People don't feel loved when you're not present.

• 22:12Jay Shetty?

  Yes, exactly.

• 22:13Lewis Howes?

  When you're not looking at them in the eyes, or just listening to them and being in a good state of being when you're around them.

• 22:19Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, the other one that came to mind when you said that as you're speaking is, Russell Barkley said that the people who need the most love ask for it in the most unloving ways. And

• 22:34Lewis Howes?

  So true.

• 22:35Jay Shetty?

  The commitment I've made to myself is, I no longer want to ask for love in unloving ways. I no longer want to be snappy to feel loved. I no longer want to be demanding to experience love. I no longer want to make someone else feel a passive-aggressive comment to feel love. I want to communicate about the type of love I need in an open and honest way, rather than trying to hope that someone else is gonna figure it out because I'm sending subliminal messages, or I'm being distant, or I'm avoiding them. And so that was something deeply that I learned was that We just constantly keep asking, even the people that love us the most,

• 23:19Jay Shetty?

  we keep requesting and demanding love in the most unloving ways.

• 23:23Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 23:24Jay Shetty?

  And if we can free ourselves of that, you can actually make a relationship really special and beautiful. And so we have to let go of that.

• 23:30Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. People who've come on, who have done great things, and done it over a short period of time, or gotten notoriety, or gotten, you know, well-known or different things, or had a big exit when they didn't have money. Essentially, five years ago, you weren't, you weren't on the map. You didn't have a big audience, you didn't have a lot of money, you didn't have the New York Times Bestsellers, you didn't have all these things. I'm curious, before all that started, on a scale of one to 10, the, the peace and self-love scale, let's call it, 10 being you had total peace and love for yourself and love for the people around you, and you were present all the time, one being you hated yourself.

• 24:13Lewis Howes?

  Where were you before we met? And then where are you today after success?

• 24:21Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, that's a great question. I'd have to say that I was probably at a seven or eight before, to be honest. Because even though my work's been noticed publicly in the last five years or six years, there was a whole 10 to 11 years before that where I literally did this for whoever showed up.

• 24:48Lewis Howes?

  Five people.

• 24:49Jay Shetty?

  Literally, so like when I was 18, and of course in my first book, I tell the story of how I met monks. I would have, I had a society at university called Think Out Loud. And what it was, was a community where I would put out flyers and posters myself, and whoever wanted to come from my university would attend. And it was called Think Out Loud, I would dissect a movie based on philosophy, psychology and spirituality. So I would take a movie like Inception and I would break it down. I'd take a movie like Notebook and break it down. I'd take a movie like The Butterfly Effect, Good Will Hunting. Like I'd take these incredible movies and I'd do these sessions, they'd be absolutely free.

• 25:31Jay Shetty?

  And I did it for the first year and five to 10 people came. Second year, maybe 25 people came. Third year, there were sometimes where 100 people were in the room. And I was just doing it because I loved it. Then I became a monk. When I came back, I did the same thing in the corporate world. I had a event in London called Conscious Living. It was on a Friday night. Literally five to 10 people would show up once a month. But it would make me so happy to spend hours with them afterwards. I would literally do a session. I'd serve everyone food because we'd always sit down to break bread. And then we'd sit down for two, three hours and I would just answer people's questions and sit with them. And I didn't have any followers. I didn't have any platforms. I didn't have any audience, but I loved it.

• 26:11Jay Shetty?

  And so I was already living the dream, in my opinion, because I was getting to do what I love on top of having a day job. And to me, that felt realistic. When I look at my happiness enjoyed now.

• 26:24Lewis Howes?

  Scale of one to 10 and like the, yeah.

• 26:26Jay Shetty?

  I'd say, to be honest, there's days when it's a nine and there's days when it's a five.

• 26:33Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 26:34Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, it it oscillates and it's because.

• 26:36Lewis Howes?

  Why is that?

• 26:37Jay Shetty?

  Well, I think it's because I've taken on so much more now to think about, to be in charge of, to lead. You have other people that you're responsible for. You have teams of all of these people that rely on you to do what you do best and take care of them and connect and they're trying to help you out and build with you. And so the responsibility scale level is so much higher now. And so it's not that I don't feel peaceful in my purpose, but it's that you do deal with daily stress, daily challenges, daily pressure in a way that I didn't before because it was just about me.

• 27:12Lewis Howes?

  This is so fascinating because pretty much everyone asked says something similar.

• 27:16Jay Shetty?

  No way.

• 27:17Lewis Howes?

  Where this, like, they were peaceful, they loved them, they had more confidence before. It's not saying, you know, more confidence, but on the scale of like inner peace and self-love and fulfillment, it was like almost less on every scale. Because of the weight, the pressure, the, man, just so much more going on and needing to navigate.

• 27:38Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 27:39Lewis Howes?

  A lot more going on in life as opposed to more of a simple peaceful life.

• 27:43Jay Shetty?

  But one thing I've understood though with that point is that the reason why that that translates is that discomfort is where you grow.

• 27:50Lewis Howes?

  That's it.

• 27:51Jay Shetty?

  And that's what I realized.

• 27:52Lewis Howes?

  Can't stay comfortable.

• 27:53Jay Shetty?

  You can't and so I find that a lot of my life today, I often say to people like I think seventy-five percent of my working week is in my discomfort zone. And so I really crave comfort in my relationships, I crave comfort on my weekends.

• 28:06Lewis Howes?

  Peace at home, relax.

• 28:07Jay Shetty?

  Exactly, yeah, great relationships with you of course and we have a good group of friends and I have good relationship with my wife and like, so I rely on my personal relationships to have some comfort and some stability as I take on discomfort in my service and purpose. And so I think that makes sense and so I think you also just get better at understanding what growth looks like and what you need. I think if I just sat and lived that life forever, I don't think it would have stabilized. I don't think I would have stayed at a seven or an eight. That would have probably come down as well.

• 28:38Lewis Howes?

  True.

• 28:39Jay Shetty?

  But for different reasons. And so the reason that now it comes down are actually positive, healthy reasons or can be managed in a healthy way.

• 28:45Lewis Howes?

  Yes. If you have something inside of you, an idea inside of you, a seed, and bringing it to life as to a business can be the same thing as bringing a child into life. It's an idea, a seed, a thought that you want to create. So it's a creation either way.

• 29:03Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah, yes, and look, I'm all for biology, I think that's very powerful, but there are those moments, right, those intuitions, like when you have a baby, there's like the woman's intuition, like we're giving so many things in order to be able to protect the baby. And yet with business, like I have learned to start to listen to my intuition just the same. It's like, I think intuition has to be trained. I don't think it's just like, oh, you've got intuition, it's fine, you're amazing, you know everything. It's like, no, no, we learn intuition as we get older. That look, that one time, that one person gave me a look and did bad, your body remembers.

• 29:35Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, of course.

• 29:36Lisa Bilyeu?

  So.

• 29:37Lewis Howes?

  What would you say is the biggest insecurity or fear you still are faced with today?

• 29:41Lisa Bilyeu?

  Really starting anything new, I mean, that's never, you know, even writing this book, it's like, I don't know how to write a book, and even getting interviewed, right, it's like, I don't know how to be interviewed about about a book. So it's not so much insecurity now in the sense of it, I don't feel petrified, but like, I know I'm not equipped.

• 30:00Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 30:01Lisa Bilyeu?

  And so, is that an insecurity? Sure, but it's a valid insecurity, because I've never done a book before. So anytime I fear that, like, what that fear of like, oh, you're about to enter a space that you don't know, I just reassure myself, it's like, oh, it's day one, it's day one. Give yourself the grace to know, anything you try is day one. We do it at college, right, but you did it at practice, like, the first time you picked up a football, you weren't thinking that you were gonna be the best quarterback in the world.

• 30:30Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 30:30Lisa Bilyeu?

  Right? It's like, oh, I've got to learn how to fricking throw the ball.

• 30:32Lewis Howes?

  Uh huh.

• 30:33Lisa Bilyeu?

  So that's what I do, just day one, anytime I feel the fear over anything new, Lewis, anything, I have these mantras, I have these tactics, I have these tools, everything I put in the book, it's like, okay, Lisa, you've got radical confidence, and radical confidence means even with the fear, you're gonna move forward, but you need to practice, you have to go in with a mindset that you're going to learn, and have a game plan, and then, when you fall on your face, get back up, like, that is my superpower. I wish I could be amazing at things, but I'm not, so I remind myself, my superpower is, I'm the person that gets back up.

• 31:07Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 31:07Lisa Bilyeu?

  And that's encouraging.

• 31:08Lewis Howes?

  That's beautiful. And what about around money?

• 31:13Lewis Howes?

  How has your mindset shifted? Do you feel like you have have have created more confidence? Or more self-love, or more belief in yourself, as the money started to come for both you and Tom in your life, where where you really didn't have a lot beforehand, you had some, you were working, or he was working, but it wasn't like the amount of wealth that you guys created with Quest, Impact Theory and everything you guys have built together. How did the accumulation of wealth change your beliefs about yourself?

• 31:43Lisa Bilyeu?

  Oh, that's such a good question. That's such a good question, Lewis. Okay.

• 31:47Lewis Howes?

  You went from an apartment, I'm assuming, to a house, to a bigger house, to, you know, numbering your bank account going way up, to being able to buy things now, lots of great things.

• 31:58Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah.

• 31:58Lewis Howes?

  How did that shift?

• 31:59Lisa Bilyeu?

  So, I really thought, when we're successful, when we're rich, I'm gonna feel like it, everything's gonna be okay. Because you look at successful, wealthy people, and you're like, you, at least for me, it can't be for other people. I admire them. Oh my god, look at that watch. Like, look at that thing, right? Like, oh my god. Yeah, I'm gonna feel great when I have it. So because you think that about that person, you think that's how you're gonna feel when you get there. So, I'm gonna take you back. Quest is announced as a billion dollar company, but we all know, until you actually make any sales.

• 32:32Lewis Howes?

  You don't make any money.

• 32:32Lisa Bilyeu?

  At least you don't make any money.

• 32:33Lewis Howes?

  You just get your salary and some bonuses, yeah.

• 32:35Lisa Bilyeu?

  Tom and I were still sharing the same Ford Focus with a hole in the exhaust when Quest was announced as a billion dollar company. So everyone thinks you're wealthy, but we literally had, you know, Tom's salary and that was it. So, we go to sell this very small portion of Quest. And so, thi- these things take months and months.

• 32:54Lewis Howes?

  Right, right. How much did you guys, what was the percentage?

• 32:56Lisa Bilyeu?

  I think it was like nine percent at the beginning.

• 32:58Lewis Howes?

  That you guys had total?

• 33:00Lisa Bilyeu?

  No, we sold. So, yeah. So there's three business partners, Tom and then the other.

• 33:04Lewis Howes?

  They split it three ways.

• 33:05Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yes, exactly. So we split like nine percent or something, like eleven percent. I can't remember how much. This was a while ago. And so it's a small percent, so you're still taking massive ownership over it, but it was still a hell of a lot of money.

• 33:15Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely.

• 33:16Lisa Bilyeu?

  So, now that sort of thing takes months and months and months. So we didn't wanna talk about it. We didn't tell anybody that we were trying to sell a bit, because you never know what's gonna happen. So one day, we hear rumors that today is gonna be the day.

• 33:27Lewis Howes?

  That the money comes in?

• 33:28Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yes.

• 33:29Lewis Howes?

  Like, there's a wire transfer of this much money?

• 33:31Lisa Bilyeu?

  Our Ford Focus is still sitting in the drive.

• 33:34Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 33:35Lisa Bilyeu?

  And we hear these rumors from our finances that the money's about to come in. So we're working in our makeshift garage gym. And in between reps, Tom's like, alright babe, refresh, refresh. No, nothing yet. So we're like, go and do this. Refresh, refresh. And literally, one button, refresh. Boom, your life changes.

• 33:53Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 33:54Lisa Bilyeu?

  And in that moment, I was like, oh my god! And so we hugged, we took a couple of selfies, and then what did we do, Lewis? We got back up and went back to work.

• 34:02Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 34:03Lisa Bilyeu?

  And in that moment, because the first of all, I was like, babe, where are you going? Yeah, we're gonna sell it. He goes, we've gotta get back to work. Our li- our mission isn't done.

• 34:09Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 34:09Lisa Bilyeu?

  And I was like, you're right. And in that moment, it was such a beautiful realization. Because we had had a miss- so we were chasing money. We said, stop chasing money. Now let's chase something that's actually predicated on passion, desire and value add. That was question nutrition. So we flipped our mindsets. We stopped chasing money. And in the effort of stop chasing money, it led to us creating money. But because of, we'd already developed a mission, we'd already developed our why. We knew why we were getting out of bed every day. That didn't change just because our bank account did. Now, look, I'm not gonna pretend, it was amazing.

• 34:46Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 34:46Lisa Bilyeu?

  Right? Four, we didn't tell anybody and about two days later or something, we went shopping.

• 34:51Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 34:51Lisa Bilyeu?

  And it was like.

• 34:52Lewis Howes?

  Get whatever you want, yes.

• 34:53Lisa Bilyeu?

  So it was like, yeah, that's amazing. I'm never gonna bo- BS anyone. It was a dream come true. It was wonderful. But it didn't change how I felt about myself.

• 35:01Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 35:01Lisa Bilyeu?

  It didn't change my mission.

• 35:03Lewis Howes?

  Did you believe you were deserving and worthy of the money?

• 35:06Lisa Bilyeu?

  I don't really think like that. I don't really know what that means because when it says deserving, there were people out there that have harder life than I do. That work harder to provide for their family than I do. So it's hard for me to say deserve. We worked freaking hard for it. We sacrificed. So do I think that it was, you know, well placed, maybe? Sure. You know, it's hard for me to kind of answer that. It really did become a, when you get what you think you want, when you go to bed at night, how do you feel about yourself? And it was the same. It was just in more expensive bed sheets.

• 35:41Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 35:41Lisa Bilyeu?

  You know, and.

• 35:42Lewis Howes?

  With nicer car.

• 35:42Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah. The negative voice is still there. The person saying that you're not good is still there. The imposter syndrome is still there. It's just in a nicer house.

• 35:53Lewis Howes?

  So you still felt like an imposter?

• 35:55Lisa Bilyeu?

  Oh my god, of course. Yeah.

• 35:57Lewis Howes?

  What was the imposter?

• 35:59Lisa Bilyeu?

  I still felt like I was helping my husband out.

• 36:01Lewis Howes?

  Hmm. What year was this?

• 36:03Lisa Bilyeu?

  Two thousand fifteen?

• 36:05Lewis Howes?

  Okay, so that's seven years ago.

• 36:06Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah, so.

• 36:07Lewis Howes?

  So what was the voice in your head at that time? When this massive number hits the bank account? What is that imposter voice saying to you?

• 36:16Lisa Bilyeu?

  Even though at this point I had, you know, I was um, had forty employees underneath me, ten thousand square foot. Literally went from shipping bars in my, on my living room floor to that. And then person's, imposter syndrome was, is that my husband and his business partners and the money. And I was a good help.

• 36:33Lewis Howes?

  So that's what you were saying yourself.

• 36:35Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah. And so even that like took work and you know, internal work and you know, like the value, what value do you bring to the table? Just because your name is on that piece of paper as like, you know, a founder, because those three were. It's like you've brought, you know, to really coach myself through, but you've sacrificed, you've given every hour of every day. Literally, I was working twelve, thirteen hours a day. Um, so to really believe in myself that I had earned that was very hard, but it was important for me to do. Um, and then the idea of in the grind, when things are hard and you're asking, what the hell are we doing this all for? Like, why? Tom and I would drive around Beverly Hills in our crappy car and we would like point out all the houses we would buy.

• 37:18Lisa Bilyeu?

  And we were like, I like this style. No, no, no, I like this style. And then eventually the money comes to our account and we actually can buy the house that we're like, the roads that we're touring. So it's like the biggest dream come true. And in that moment, it was like, I wanted a waterfall. So I'm a nineties chick. I love hip hop and I love nineties. And so I was like, always joking, but really serious. I was like, babe, I want to do like our own version of a nineties hip hop music video. I want a waterfall. I want Don Perignon bottle. Like, I want to pour it down me in a sexy outfit. I want you to film me. Like, that was the dream. I have to emotionally tie to a dream. It can't just be like a house. It has to be like the feeling of getting the house.

• 37:59Lisa Bilyeu?

  So I'd had this vision. We finally get the house. It finally has a fricking waterfall, dude. We get the keys. We got a bottle of Don Perignon. Tom's got a photo. He's taking photo of me. I'm taking a swig of the champagne. And that was the moment my health and my gut felt like it's, you know, obviously I've had health issues. That was the moment.

• 38:21Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 38:21Lisa Bilyeu?

  That same moment that we were celebrating the biggest achievement of our lives.

• 38:25Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 38:26Lisa Bilyeu?

  It's so cliche.

• 38:28Lewis Howes?

  Why was that the moment, do you think?

• 38:29Lisa Bilyeu?

  So I think I'd had fifteen years of gut issues. I was ignoring them, ignoring them, ignoring them. I was priding myself on the grind. I wasn't priding myself on the self-care. So for years and years, I was getting sicker and sicker because I wasn't replenishing my gut. I had a very unhealthy relationship with food. So I wasn't having fat. I wasn't eating carbs. I thought I had to be skinny as possible. So all this unhealthy relationship, I was getting sick because I was working a lot. I wasn't replenishing. And so I was getting a lot of antibiotics. Hmm. And so for like years and years and years, I was taking three to four, five times a year antibiotics. Um. And I really think it got to the point where I'd pushed myself into the ground and the bubbly and the alcohol. I think it was just that moment. Wow.

• 39:15Lisa Bilyeu?

  And I think, and it literally, from them, it felt like it erupted. I didn't tell Tom because of course I'm trying to be strong. Sure. So I'm like, babe, I'll be back in a second. I run to the bathroom. And I literally cannot get, I'm like, what the hell is happening to me? My gut is in like so such disarray. But my husband's so excited for, so of course, of course, what do I tell myself? Just push through it. Right. Don't tell him, push through it, it's a celebration. And I was like, all right, if I just get straight into the swimming pool, then I'll be able to hide my pain. Oh, man. So I get out, I'm like trying to pretend, I'm like rushing into the swimming pool and just the water pressure was too unbearable. And that's when I'm like, babe, I don't know what's wrong. From, that was six years ago. Six years ago.

• 39:58Lisa Bilyeu?

  I'm still on my journey of healing my gut, just to give perspective to everybody. For a whole year, I couldn't eat more than like four or five ingredients. It was like beef, salt, coconut oil and chicken. I was twenty pounds lighter than I am now. Wow. My hair was falling out, my nails were brittle. And you wanna talk about my relationship with my husband? I started feeling like I wasn't sexy. I could barely hug him, learn any intimacy. You've got to understand what that does to a woman's emotions. How I felt about myself.

• 40:32Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 40:32Lisa Bilyeu?

  Tom was so supportive.

• 40:33Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 40:34Lisa Bilyeu?

  But I felt like I wasn't bringing, you know, um, beauty to our relationship. That was me. That wasn't him. Sex was out the window.

• 40:42Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 40:43Lisa Bilyeu?

  And it was like, I couldn't even stand up five minutes at a time. And on the outside, we had like, just literally were celebrating. Quest being a billion dollar company and one of the most um fastest growing nutrition companies in the world. And here I am, I can't even eat. I pretended I didn't tell anybody.

• 41:02Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 41:03Lisa Bilyeu?

  For months, I didn't tell anyone. So sorry, I know that was a long story, but really going back to your point of. I remember the day that my success changed. And that was the most beautiful lesson that I, like, if I can look back, right, like, we think it was Tony Robbins that I use all the time. How can I make the most horrific thing be the best thing that's ever happened to me?

• 41:23Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 41:23Lisa Bilyeu?

  In that moment.

• 41:24Lewis Howes?

  Giving it meaning, yeah.

• 41:25Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah. And in that moment I was tested. And it was like, you can't, I mean, like I said, I'm still struggling six years later. And but how can that moment be the best thing that's ever happened to me? Number one, I took ownership. I did it to my gut. I was the one that had a bad relationship with food. I was the one that was taking the antibiotics.

• 41:47Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 41:47Lisa Bilyeu?

  And for so long I was like, it's the doctor's fault. It's the expert's fault. It's that person's fault. Taking ownership over my health changed everything, not just for my health, but in the way that I see business, in the way that I see my relationship. Now, every time something goes wrong, the very first thing I ask myself is, how can I take ownership of this? How was this my own doing? So that changed my whole health, that changed my business. Every time now something goes wrong in the business. Whether it's an employee that has royally screwed up, I literally, before I say anything, it's like, what's my ownership in this?

• 42:19Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah. I know that feeling.

• 42:20Lisa Bilyeu?

  And so that just changed everything. And then it also changed my idea of success. It really did. And so when I got, thank God, like, I don't know how I would think about success if that hadn't happened to me. I don't know how I would think about money if that didn't happen to me.

• 42:35Lewis Howes?

  How do you think about it now?

• 42:36Lisa Bilyeu?

  I don't give a shit. Like, I love it, of course. It allows me to create content, right? It allows me to impact people. It allows me to do all the things I do every day. If ever I was coming to conflict with my relationship, I wouldn't think twice about it. If ever I was coming to conflict of me feeling good about myself, I wouldn't think about it. Like, that's what I mean by it doesn't dictate who I am and how I show up every day. It's an amazing facilitator, amazing. And I'm such an advocate for wealth creation. I never, I think it's BS, like, no, no, it can do beautiful things. It really can. So I'm not gonna BS anyone. But money in and of itself is like a superpower. You can use it for good or you can use it for evil. It's your choice.

• 43:18Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 43:19Lisa Bilyeu?

  And so for me, it's like, it can be, it's so beautiful because I'm able to create beautiful things out of it. But it doesn't have a reflection of how I feel about myself, who I am and how I show up every day. And I don't know if it would have. It may have done that if my gut didn't fall apart.

• 43:35Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 43:38Lewis Howes?

  What has been the biggest struggle then for you mentally and emotionally in the last couple of years?

• 43:43Emmanuel Acho?

  The biggest struggle is trying to ascend to the mountaintop. And the reason I say that, bro, is.

• 43:52Lewis Howes?

  To get to the mountaintop?

• 43:53Emmanuel Acho?

  Yes.

• 43:54Lewis Howes?

  What is the mountaintop?

• 43:57Emmanuel Acho?

  I think the mountaintop is different for everyone.

• 43:59Lewis Howes?

  Is that a goal?

• 44:00Emmanuel Acho?

  For me, the mountaintop is checking boxes.

• 44:04Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 44:04Emmanuel Acho?

  Right? Like, it's checking boxes.

• 44:06Lewis Howes?

  Give me an example.

• 44:07Emmanuel Acho?

  An example. Okay, great. Now I host my own show on sports. Speech for yourself. Check. Okay, great. Now I partnered with Oprah on a book. Oh, another book. Oh, a third book.

• 44:16Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 44:17Emmanuel Acho?

  Check. Okay, but the book has to best sell. Check. It's just like, it's just trying to ascend, trying to do, uh, and not being dejected when you don't.

• 44:31Emmanuel Acho?

  And then, bro, I also think trying to figure out our place on this earth.

• 44:36Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 44:36Emmanuel Acho?

  I think we're all trying to do that. When we remove the masks and the makeup, figuratively speaking, of our life, we're all trying to figure out what value am I providing to the people I'm interacting with? What value am I providing to society? Where is my place in life?

• 44:55Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 44:56Emmanuel Acho?

  And I've been constantly, my biggest struggle the last couple of years, is trying to really figure that out. And now that it appears I've figured that out, trying to sustain

• 45:08Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 45:09Emmanuel Acho?

  the heat, excuse me, and the hate that comes with that.

• 45:12Lewis Howes?

  The heat and the hate.

• 45:13Emmanuel Acho?

  Uh-huh.

• 45:13Lewis Howes?

  Because I don't think people understand that once you have audience and attention, there will be heat and hate.

• 45:18Emmanuel Acho?

  Mm-hmm.

• 45:19Lewis Howes?

  No matter how pure your intentions are, no matter how kind you try to be, there'll be hate.

• 45:24Emmanuel Acho?

  You know what I've realized, man, and my co-host Marcellus Wiley says this, criticism is the cost of praise.

• 45:30Lewis Howes?

  It is.

• 45:31Emmanuel Acho?

  We don't realize that enough. Like, recently, for those watching sports news, Naomi Osaka, number one tennis player in the world just a couple of years ago, she tried to stop a tennis match because somebody said, "You suck." Somebody yelled, "You suck," and she went to the judge and was like, and went to the umpire and was like, "Yo, can we stop the match? Like, can we get them kicked out?"

• 45:50Lewis Howes?

  Is this recently?

• 45:51Emmanuel Acho?

  Recently.

• 45:51Lewis Howes?

  I didn't see this.

• 45:52Emmanuel Acho?

  It's two days ago.

• 45:52Lewis Howes?

  Wow. She tried to stop the match and say, "Kick that person out."

• 45:56Emmanuel Acho?

  Correct. And at the end of the post-game presser, tears came into her eyes for different reasons. And I was just like, criticism is the cost of praise.

• 46:04Lewis Howes?

  If you don't want criticism, don't play the game.

• 46:07Emmanuel Acho?

  You just, you, it's like you don't have a choice.

• 46:10Lewis Howes?

  Don't play, don't show up.

• 46:11Emmanuel Acho?

  You can't play if you don't want criticism.

• 46:13Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 46:13Emmanuel Acho?

  It's not even like you were advising, don't, it's like, yo, criticism comes with it.

• 46:17Lewis Howes?

  Here's the, here's the funny thing, not to cut you off, is that you're gonna be criticized at the top or criticized for doing nothing.

• 46:24Emmanuel Acho?

  Mm-hmm.

• 46:25Lewis Howes?

  So why don't you do something you enjoy? Because if you're sitting on the couch and you have all this potential, but you don't do something, the people closest to you are gonna say, "What are you doing?"

• 46:33Emmanuel Acho?

  Yeah.

• 46:33Lewis Howes?

  This person has so much poten-, I, give me their potential.

• 46:35Emmanuel Acho?

  Yeah.

• 46:36Lewis Howes?

  I could do something great with this, but they're just sitting on their couch depressed.

• 46:39Emmanuel Acho?

  Yeah.

• 46:40Lewis Howes?

  Worried about people's thoughts or opinions.

• 46:41Emmanuel Acho?

  Mm-hmm.

• 46:42Lewis Howes?

  There's a price either way.

• 46:44Emmanuel Acho?

  You gotta pay it either way.

• 46:45Lewis Howes?

  You gotta pay it either way. Maybe it's greater price as you're climbing and dealing with the more attention, but there's a price either way.

• 46:53Emmanuel Acho?

  You know what else, man? And I've realized this too, and it's hit me in the face. You can't call for attention and hang up.

• 47:02Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, so look at me. Oh, but always say nice things about me.

• 47:05Emmanuel Acho?

  You can't, you can't. And whether we intentionally call for attention or we don't, you can't call for attention and hang up, like the boy who cried wolf, like us in our friend groups. Like a child in a house cries and cries. Mother asks, what's wrong? Father asks, what's wrong? Nothing. And what are you crying for? You can't call for attention and hang up. And so I think there's just a lot of of learning and discovering that I'm doing on this journey.

• 47:33Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. The emotional regulation is funny. I was just interviewing a neuroscientist slash brain surgeon. He's an expert in both areas. So he studies the brain and the mind, right? The thoughts. And after this two hour conversation, the whole thing came down to the number one skill to have is the ability to emotionally regulate your feelings and how thoughts, the brain and the mind are connected to feelings. And the ability to emotionally regulate them. Not saying that you're not going to have wide range of emotions, but the ability to regulate under pressure, under stress. So that you can get into flow, that you can get back to your

• 48:15Lewis Howes?

  your mission, your vision and not be in chaos mode. You know, you can defend yourself rationally, essentially, in times of chaos. And he said, that's kind of what it comes down to. If I could teach a skill, it'd be the skill of emotional regulation. And I think the farther we try to strive to unlock our potential.

• 48:36Lewis Howes?

  The more we need to learn that because the more people are going to be coming at us, it sounds like.

• 48:40Emmanuel Acho?

  Yeah, yeah. One, I think that's a phenomenal thought. I think it was Michael Jordan's trainer. Who said, emotions are dangerous, but controlled anger or it's like a controlled aggression is like the most.

• 48:52Lewis Howes?

  Dangerous of all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that Tim Grover? Yeah, he's great.

• 48:56Emmanuel Acho?

  It's like the most dangerous of all.

• 48:58Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, because being emotional and reacting, you're gonna foul out. You're gonna do something stupid.

• 49:02Emmanuel Acho?

  Correct.

• 49:03Lewis Howes?

  Which I did many times in multiple sports. And then you learn the lesson, oh, my emotional reaction gets me on the bench. Or hurts my team.

• 49:13Emmanuel Acho?

  And you know what's interesting? We're talking sports, but this is a life.

• 49:16Lewis Howes?

  Life, man. Yeah, it's life.

• 49:17Emmanuel Acho?

  Because while you can say foul out literally, figuratively speaking. If you're at the grocery store and then you get upset and then you get emotional and then you get into it with the cashier emotionally fouling out. If you're talking to a friend and then you get into it with your friend and then you say something you shouldn't have emotionally fouling out, relationship oriented. If you're talking to somebody and you're dating and then you get into it. So we're talking a sports conversation, but it is the controlling of your mind. But to me, bro. Everything starts with the mind. Both our greatest limitations and our greatest accomplishments. To me, it's all up here.

• 49:52Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely. Well, what has been the biggest, you talked about living a life without failure or fear of failure.

• 49:58Emmanuel Acho?

  Living a life without failure.

• 49:59Lewis Howes?

  What is the biggest fear for you in the last couple of years then? And now that you've, let's call it broken through, right? You were already really successful. I mean, you're NFL player and had a career in sports TV and all these things. But broken through to a different level.

• 50:17Lewis Howes?

  What is now the greatest fear?

• 50:18Emmanuel Acho?

  Ooh, that's why I like talking to you.

• 50:22Emmanuel Acho?

  I like talking to you.

• 50:26Emmanuel Acho?

  My biggest fear is becoming complacent. My biggest fear is not realizing I'm living inside of a box that is around me. My biggest fear is not realizing, hey, there's a door you haven't yet opened. And what you think is a world is actually just a locker that you are inside of. One of my greatest, one of my favorite scenes of any movie. It's the end of Men in Black. I believe it's Men in Black one. And at the end of the movie, they open up a locker and they open up the locker and they realize there's an entire another world out there. They thought they were living in their world, but there's such a bigger world out there.

• 51:04Emmanuel Acho?

  Greatest fear is not pushing beyond a boundary. Cause I don't even realize the boundary is set. Cause I didn't set it because somebody else set it. And I've been living inside of somebody else's box or somebody else's boundary. The reason we don't achieve our highest highs, bro, isn't because we're not skilled. It isn't because we're not talented. It isn't even necessarily because we don't want it. It's because we don't realize how high we could achieve. Right. I think that's the biggest limiting reactant, realizing our highs. One of my favorite stories, if not my favorite story, story of Roger Bannister. Four minute mile. Four minute mile. For those that aren't familiar, Roger Bannister.

• 51:45Emmanuel Acho?

  Scientists believed it was physically impossible, impossible to run a mile in under four minutes. Quick history lesson for everybody. It's my favorite story. Scientists believe it's physically impossible to run a mile in under four minutes. May 5th, 1952, it had never been done in 2000 years, but by May 6th, Roger Bannister, Oxford, England, runs a mile, three minutes, 59 seconds. Within two years, 10 people ran a mile in under four minutes. Now, the world record for the mile, three minutes, 43 seconds and roughly 1800 people have done so. Why? Because one man, Roger Bannister, removed the barriers that other people set around him. One man said, you know what?

• 52:29Emmanuel Acho?

  I'm not gonna subscribe to that barrier. One man said, I'm not gonna subscribe to goals. One man said, I'm not gonna subscribe to that. And he broke the dam open for everybody. And after that dam was broken for everybody, the whole rest of the running world proceeded to run through it. So my biggest fear, bro, is living inside of a box that somebody else set before me. So if you don't have goals to break or reach.

• 52:59Lewis Howes?

  What are you reaching for? Like, what's beyond a barrier that you're not trying to accomplish?

• 53:05Emmanuel Acho?

  For me, I'm reaching for movement.

• 53:07Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 53:08Emmanuel Acho?

  That's all it is. I'm reaching for progress. I'm moving forward. I'm moving forward.

• 53:11Lewis Howes?

  So it's not reaching an end goal?

• 53:13Emmanuel Acho?

  No, it's moving. It's moving forward, man. Like, you, you're gonna do another episode tomorrow, and hopefully it's better than the day, and then the next tomorrow, and hopefully it's better than that day, and then you're just gonna keep moving. Like, let's not get so bogged down by, "But I didn't get this," or "But I got that." Just keep moving forward. When you go to a beach and you end up standing in the ocean, eventually after about five minutes, you'll look back and be like, "Yo, I drifted way far away." And you just drifted further than you ever thought. That's where I'm at now. Let's keep moving forward.

• 53:49Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 53:50Emmanuel Acho?

  We get so caught up in, "I want to be married by 26, and I wanna have two kids, and I wanna have bought my first home by 29, and by 35, I wanna be done having kids, and I wanna have four kids, two boys, two girls, preferably twins, cuz that would be easiest." Bump all that.

• 54:09Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 54:10Emmanuel Acho?

  Forget all that goal setting. Goals lead to failure. I want to live the most impactful and significant life I can possibly live. And if I happen to live that life with somebody else, great. And if I don't, great. And at 35, I want to see where I am, and at 30, I want to see where I am, and I want to just continue to move forward and make progress as a human being. But at the end of the day, bro, the reason we have these goals isn't even because of us. It's because of other people. This blew my mind. This blew my mind. And you're a sports guy, so this may as well, this might blow yours as well. This truly blew my mind. We often debate LeBron James, Michael Jordan, greatest basketball player of all time. Who do you say, sir?

• 54:53Lewis Howes?

  I mean, I'm from Ohio, so I go for LeBron.

• 54:56Emmanuel Acho?

  Go for LeBron.

• 54:56Lewis Howes?

  I just saw LeBron last night at two plays, so.

• 54:58Emmanuel Acho?

  So, right?

• 54:59Lewis Howes?

  I mean, he's still playing at what, he's at 30?

• 55:01Emmanuel Acho?

  At the highest level. He's 37 years old, ballin'.

• 55:03Lewis Howes?

  He just had 10,000 rebounds, 10,000 points, and 10,000 assists.

• 55:07Emmanuel Acho?

  Beast. Let me blow this Michael Jordan-LeBron James debate open for a second.

• 55:12Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 55:12Emmanuel Acho?

  For those that claim Jordan's the greatest basketball player ever, they claim it primarily for this reason. He went to six NBA championships.

• 55:20Lewis Howes?

  And he won six.

• 55:20Emmanuel Acho?

  And he won six. But outside of those six NBA championships, Jordan never went back to an NBA Finals. He won six times, and he won all six times. LeBron, on the other hand, has gone 10 times, and he's only won four.

• 55:35Lewis Howes?

  It's more like, he's more like Tom Brady, you know?

• 55:37Emmanuel Acho?

  Gone 10, won four, Jordan went six, won six times. Okay, great. Now, let's talk about the same exact sport, basketball. Let's talk about the same exact result. First place and or second place, Jordan and LeBron. But now, let's talk about a different measuring system, a different metric system, the Olympic Games. In the Olympic Games, Michael Jordan would have six golds, no silvers. LeBron would have four golds and six silvers. On an Olympic scale, four golds and six silvers is abundantly and clearly greater than six golds, than six golds. But in the NBA scale, six golds is better.

• 56:13Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 56:13Emmanuel Acho?

  So the question simply comes down to, whose metric system are you using?

• 56:17Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 56:17Emmanuel Acho?

  And the problem is, we let other people's metric systems dictate the happiness in our life. Because in the NBA, you finish in second, you leave the court crying and weeping, devastated. The Olympic Games, you finish in second. To a degree, you're elated, depending on what country.

• 56:32Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 56:33Emmanuel Acho?

  Why? Because somebody else dictated how we should feel about a certain situation, based upon their metric system, not even our own.

• 56:41Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely.

• 56:42Emmanuel Acho?

  And I'm just done subscribing to other people's metric systems.

• 56:45Lewis Howes?

  I go to the, I go to the Olympics, that's an accomplishment. I go to the Olympics and get a bronze, I'm like, a medal, you know?

• 56:51Emmanuel Acho?

  I'm one of the three best in the world in what I do.

• 56:53Lewis Howes?

  Exactly.

• 56:54Emmanuel Acho?

  But in the NBA, you get third. In the NFL, you finish in third. In the MLB, you finish in third or fourth. You're like, you're petrified, you're destroyed. And I've realized, bro, we just subscribe to other people's metric systems. And we let it dictate our happiness.

• 57:09Lewis Howes?

  Now, tell me, okay, I love this approach. I love the philosophy and the mindset. But for someone watching or listening, it's like, okay, but I really want to accomplish some goals to feel like I'm accomplishing something because I wanted to build my, because it's always built my confidence when I do accomplish. But I hear you say, but if you don't accomplish this, it's going to hurt your self-esteem. So how do we? If someone's like, I want to write a book this year.

• 57:31Emmanuel Acho?

  Right.

• 57:32Lewis Howes?

  Do I set a goal to write a book? Or is it a journey of writing the book? Do I create micro goals on a weekly basis and have accountability? You know, there's gonna be deadlines. Or, uh, you know, how do we think about the process of like completing a project? Launching something we want to launch, doing our artwork, creating our music, whatever it might be. How do we then set these things and make them happen?

• 57:56Emmanuel Acho?

  Right. So I got my master's in sports psychology and I dedicated my final thesis paper, if you will, for my master's degree to this concept. I elaborate and expound on this concept in a logical, but I will give you a snippet. Because I studied goals so long, I understand there is a use for goals. When you are talking about the micro in order to accomplish something, there is a use for goals in a relay race, the stick in Olympic sport of track and field. It does not matter how fast we run if we do not get the baton around. So the micro goal needs to be to get the baton around. When I say don't set goals, have an objective with no limitations, I'm talking about a larger principle of life.

• 58:37Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 58:38Emmanuel Acho?

  When you're talking about macro things such as, hey, I just want to write a book. Right? When the macro of writing a book, sure. So I want to finish a chapter on Monday and I want to finish my, I want to write a chapter every week, every Monday. If you have a employer who's like, hey, we need this done by this date. Well, within that stance, there is a means to set a goal. You talked about talking to the neuroscientist. You mentioned this pivotal word, flow. In order to achieve flow, flow is simply when you no longer conscious of time in the midst of a task. In order to achieve flow, you need automatic feedback, autonomous feedback. In order to get that feedback, you need to set goals.

• 59:17Emmanuel Acho?

  So there are principles, objectives in life within micro constructs where goals have value. I'm talking about the macro look of life where goals will do more damage than they will success. Or at least goals will just be a limiting reactive.

• 59:36Lewis Howes?

  Got you.

• 59:36Emmanuel Acho?

  Because I always think. What if Roger Bannister wasn't just trying to break the four minute mile? How much faster could he have gone? You never know. He went, he went three fifty nine point eight. He broke it barely. There's literally two tenths of a second was the difference. How much faster could he have gone? Maybe no faster. But maybe. If my goal, Louis, was to write a book, I would have wrote a book. I wouldn't have wrote the second one. And I might not have written the third one. So that's where I'm thinking, like, bigger picture. I just want to see people be the best version of themselves.

• 1:00:10Lewis Howes?

  So how do we, I mean, people are going to fail, but you're saying to reframe failure or to not even look at failure as an option? Because if you don't set the goal, you can't fail in that sense.

• 1:00:21Emmanuel Acho?

  Bingo. I, I, I thought about this the other time. I don't, I don't think people fail. What I say is this, and I thought about this. I didn't fail, I fell. And as long as I get up, I win.

• 1:00:33Lewis Howes?

  Ooh, yeah. Like a child. A child falls hundreds and thousands of times and they never think to themselves, maybe this walking thing isn't for me.

• 1:00:41Emmanuel Acho?

  To do.

• 1:00:42Lewis Howes?

  They fail, they fall and they get up.

• 1:00:44Emmanuel Acho?

  We didn't fail. We fell. As long as you get up, you win. The winning isn't getting up. So many people think they failed. They didn't fail.

• 1:00:53Lewis Howes?

  They stopped.

• 1:00:54Emmanuel Acho?

  You stopped. You didn't fail. You just failed, fell.

• 1:00:57Lewis Howes?

  And you just never got up.

• 1:00:58Emmanuel Acho?

  That's it. A relationship didn't work. You didn't fail at that relationship. And then in the, you didn't fail in that relationship. Job, you got fired. You didn't fail. You fell. Get up. You'll look back. You win as long as you get up. So when people keep talking about failure, I don't subscribe to that, but I don't subscribe to goals. Because ultimately, to fail is to put a period where a comma belongs. I ain't doing that no more, big dog.

• 1:01:25Lewis Howes?

  Or dot, dot, dot.

• 1:01:26Emmanuel Acho?

  Exactly.

• 1:01:27Lewis Howes?

  To be continued.

• 1:01:28Emmanuel Acho?

  I ain't putting periods where commas belong anymore. And then we do that too often in our life. It's like, ah, this relationship ended, period. No, this relationship ended. I found somebody who was more suitable for me, who I am more suitable for. And I now ended up significantly happier than I was.

• 1:01:43Lewis Howes?

  That's a good way to look at it. You know, looking at, I mean, I feel like it took me a long time to learn how to walk in relationships. I was just falling and wobbling all over the place. You know, I just needed some coordination sooner. But it took me a while to be able to look back and learn the lesson. And I feel like I'm in a much more stable place. You know, I have coordination with my body now in relationships in terms of walking. Uh, and some people learn faster in certain areas of life. But it's, it's not about giving up on love, giving up on your career, your, your books, or your, your message, your art.

• 1:02:17Emmanuel Acho?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:17Lewis Howes?

  It's about learning. A, a friend of mine posted this video, his name is Devin Rodriguez. He got big on TikTok. I think he's got like 30 million followers in the last two years. He started drawing people on subways in New York City. And he would just see them, he would draw them and he'd hand them a sketch and people would blown away. He did a video recently where he, he started learning in 2010 how to draw. And he posted a, a photo from 2010 to 2020, every year, his, his work. And it was ugly, the first five years. I mean, it was, you'd throw it away. It was so bad, right? It was like a five-year-old sketch. It was like something I would do right now. It's about how I draw. But now it looks like you take a photo of someone and he can draw it perfectly.

• 1:03:02Lewis Howes?

  But it took him 10 years to master the skill. He didn't fail the first five years, seven years. He fell forward by kept improving. I think it's a beautiful lesson you're talking about. Don't, don't think of it as failure, think of it as falling.

• 1:03:14Emmanuel Acho?

  Bro, and so many people in our life, even our loved ones, want to tell us that we failed. And we begin to believe them.

• 1:03:23Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:23Emmanuel Acho?

  And that's the problem. We've all committed to believing the lie that we have failed in life. We failed in our school, we failed in our relationships, we failed in our jobs. We haven't actually failed. But if you believe and listen to a lie long enough, you will be convinced that it's the truth.

• 1:03:45Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:46Emmanuel Acho?

  And what I now practice is detangling so many of the lies that we've been told over time. Deconstructing so many of the thoughts that we've believed over time. Because it's those thoughts and it's those lies that bog us down.

• 1:04:02Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:02Emmanuel Acho?

  And bro. This also blew my mind. The Mona Lisa. I went to Paris last summer. I went to Paris, went to the Louvre. And bro, you been to Louvre? I think I went to the outside. I didn't go inside. Yeah, yeah. So I'm in the, I'm in, I'm in the Louvre and there's art everywhere. There's art on the ceiling, there's freaking art on the walls, art on the left side. There's art everywhere. As I'm walking through this, you know, hundreds of acres seemingly, I see a huge, long line. For the Mona Lisa. I don't know yet, though. I don't know. So I'm like, what in the heck is this line for? There's art everywhere, y'all. Why y'all standing in the line to see a piece of art? Just look left. I turn a corner, huge line for the Mona Lisa. I was like, I ain't waiting in the line, so I'm gonna just walk by and see. I look at it.

• 1:04:47Emmanuel Acho?

  It's nice. It's nice. It's a painting. It's a painting. Painted somewhere from 1503 to 1518, I believe, historians suggest. You realize if the Mona Lisa were painted today, might go to garage sale for $20. Yeah, maybe. Maybe, but why? Because the Mona Lisa back then depicted a pale woman with thin lips and a large forehead. And that was the depiction of beauty back then. Depiction of beauty in 2022. Sun-kissed, uh, skin. You know, thin waist. Nice build. But why, bro, do we subscribe to a definition of beauty that somebody else set? Cause you can never catch it. The definition of beauty in the 1500s vastly different than the definition of beauty now.

• 1:05:31Emmanuel Acho?

  What was beautiful then, we don't value now. What we value now, we don't value then, but either way, we didn't even set it back to. Why do we let such insignificant people have significance in our lives? And man, I'm just like, what all are we believing? Yes. That we just don't need to.

• 1:05:49Lewis Howes?

  I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on Social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you, if no one has told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy and you matter.

• 1:06:33Lewis Howes?

  And now it's time to go out there and do something great.

• 1:06:39Lewis Howes?

  You.